Mixed in with updates on the state of his spots, worries about what his children will look like and reports on what he had for dinner, Ron's diary tells the story of his infatuation with Hermione. Will he ever notice what's going on under his nose, or respond to Luna's advances? Contains H/Hr and D/G
From the Unofficial Portkey Archive: https://portkey-archive.org/story/1978/
Disclaimer: I do not own nor do I claim to own the copyrights for the characters in this work of fiction.
The Secret Diary of Ron Weasley aged 16 & ½
Thursday January 1st
Got this diary from Hermione for Christmas. She got Harry a really cool Quidditch book but I reckon this is better. She obviously knows I’m the kind of bloke who has lots of deep thoughts I need to write down. I’ll try and write every day.
My New Year’s resolutions are:
High Point of Day: When Hermione and Harry got back from visiting Hagrid (which was weird because I was sure I saw him going into the Forbidden Forest earlier) I spotted that Hermione’s shirt had a button undone. I saw a bit of her bra! Hee hee…it must have been like that all day, although it’s funny I didn’t notice it before.
Low Point of Day: Just realised I’ve broken New Year’s resolution number 2.
Friday January 2nd
Going to have a party in the common room tonight – brilliant! Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs can come too, but no stinking Slytherins! Some of the seventh years have sneaked in some booze. As prefect I should probably say something, but am turning a blind eye. Maybe Hermione will get drunk and confess her true feelings for me!
Later
Had a couple of drinks for Dutch courage – pretended I was yawning and tried to put my arm round Hermione’s shoulders. She told me to bugger off and was quite huffy. Perhaps drink doesn’t agree with her. Writing her a poem though – will just jot down some ideas…
Even later
Blurry booze gisdustin’ think am gonna puke…
Saturday January 3rd
9.30am: Woke up on floor of toilet – someone had put a blanket on me. Bet it was Hermione. I think I might have been sick…
11.30am: Can remember some stuff now. Were all playing spin the bottle and Harry kept getting to snog Hermione. It’s so unfair! I only got Lavender once and then Neville, so I did a forfeit instead. Had to down a glass of fire whisky. Had to go to toilet and throw up after that. Loony Lovegood came in and helped me a bit – she must have got the blanket for me. Wish it had been Hermione, but Loony is ok I suppose. Bit mental though…
Low Point: Discovered that the poem I wrote last night wasn’t as good as I thought:
Hermione, Hermione
Will you spend some time with me
We can do the sixty-nine
I’ll be yours and you’ll be mine…
That’s as far as I got. I don’t think it sends quite the right message of romance.
High Point: I got some puke on Harry’s new Quidditch book – Ha! Ha! Said sorry, but am secretly pleased. That’ll teach him to kiss my bird.
Tuesday January 6th
First day of Quidditch practice. Harry had booked the pitch, but Slytherin team came along and said Snape gave permission for them to practice too.
Training was shambles. Malfoy kept chasing Ginny round the back of the Gryffindor stand – dunno why, Harry is our seeker, you’d think he’d be marking him. One time they didn’t come out for about five minutes and I was just going to go and have a look when Malfoy came round the corner. His hair was all ruffled up and his face was a bit red, so I hope Ginny didn’t hex him or she’ll get banned. Told Harry, but he just gave me a funny look. Will have a word with Ginny later.
High Point: Ginny really seemed to listen when I stressed that she shouldn’t antagonise Malfoy or hex him during matches. She said she’d try not to and offered to go and apologise to him. Thought this was going a bit far, but she was determined, even though it was quite late. Think she is starting to respect me more now I’m a prefect. Seems to have listened to me about boys too, because she doesn’t have a boyfriend just now. I’m sure she was wearing lipstick tonight, so will keep an eye on Dean Thomas in case he tries anything on.
Low Point: Hermione caught me staring at her chest. She said ‘My eyes are up here Ron,’ really loudly in the common room and everybody laughed - especially Harry, the git. Must remember New Year’s resolution number 2!!
Thursday January 8th
Bit worried about Pigwidgeon – think he’s ill. He brought me a letter from mum this morning, but then did a really big crap down the back of my robes. I think he felt bad though. I didn’t have time to change before double potions - could hear Malfoy sniggering behind me and complaining about the smell. (Smell was actually quite bad, but didn’t want to admit it to Malfoy.)
Snape sent me to sit by the window and took 15 points from Gryffindor for disrupting the class. Was bloody freezing, but the smell was better. Could see the fifth year Ravenclaws getting a flying lesson. Loony Luna did a loop the loop and her robes flew up – think I saw her knickers! Result…
Low Point: Saw Dean Thomas with his arm round Lavender today – hope Ginny didn’t see him. Might have to tell her though, as she definitely fancies someone. She keeps wearing lipstick and I’m sure she’s rolled her skirt up at the top to make it shorter. Mentioned this to her but she told me I was turning into Percy. Bloody cheek!
She seems to be having some kind of feud with Malfoy as well. Saw her talking to him again today. Hope he isn’t blackmailing her over the hexing thing.
High Point: Hermione borrowed Pigwidgeon to send a letter to Krum and Pig pooped all over it! She had to throw it in the fire. Ha! Think Pig may be affected by the cockroach clusters I gave him for Christmas – might throw the rest away.
Friday January 9th
Up before breakfast for Quidditch practice, double History of Magic, double Transfiguration, Prefect Duty at lunchtime, Herbology, double Charms, Quidditch practice again, dinner, homework, Prefect Duty, bed. Best years of your life my arse.
Saturday January 10th
Hogsmeade today! Went to The Three Broomsticks with Harry and Hermione. Was trying to play footsie under the table with Hermione (recommended as a seduction technique by Witch Weekly) but realised was doing it wrong when Harry kicked my ankle quite hard and told me to stop touching him. Hmmm, will read article again for further tips.
Saw Ginny going into the Hog’s Head with someone – not sure who as they had a hood on. Wonder what she’s up to? Hope she’s not with Zacharias Smith, that boy is a wart. Looked about his height though.
Saw Crabbe and Goyle too, but no Malfoy. Hope he has detention with Filch or something, the prat.
Lost Harry and Hermione for a while after I went into Zonko’s. Found them again about twenty minutes later – Hermione looked as though she’d been running; her hair was all on end and her face was quite pink. Harry’s hair was sticking up too, but nothing new there.
Start to wonder about our children. With Hermione’s bushy-ness and my ginger-ness, they have the potential to have really horrible hair. Suppose we could shave their heads – Fred and George make wigs now. Will worry about this later I think.
Think Loony Lovegood has a crush on me. She bought me a lollypop from Honeydukes – unfortunately it was a blood flavoured one, so I gave it to Hagrid for Fang. But it’s the thought that counts. Won’t do any harm for Hermione to see that other girls fancy me, either.
Sunday January 11th
Caught Harry conning Hermione into giving him a head massage. He put his head in her lap and said that his scar was hurting. I said if he wanted his scar to stop hurting, he should be formulating a plan to kill Lord Voldemort, not lying on a sofa moaning. Hermione gave me a telling off – she can be really bossy sometimes. I was only joking! Wish I’d thought of it first though. I mentioned that my lower back hurt after all the Quidditch practice I’d been doing, but Hermione said the best thing for back pain was going for a walk.
Had to go for a walk then so she wouldn’t know I was lying. Went to the Quidditch pitch.
Saw Ginny sneaking into the bottom of the Slytherin stand. Hope she isn’t doing something to sabotage it. Should probably have stopped her as I’m a prefect, but I don’t want her to call me Percy again. Saw Malfoy coming onto the Quidditch pitch as I was leaving. I said ‘Hello Malfoy!’ in a really loud voice so Ginny could hear me and have time to get away. Don’t know if she did, as I didn’t want to look back in case he suspected something. He just sneered at me as usual.
Monday January 12th
Bloody freezing today. Started snowing at lunchtime but Harry still made us do Quidditch practice tonight. On his head be it if my mum finds out about this. Ginny skived off anyway; she says she’s got a cold. I don’t know who she thinks she’s kidding. I told her that if her skirt covered more of her legs she might not be ill at all, but she just snorted at me and pranced off.
Hermione looked nice today – she was wearing one of Harry’s jumpers. She says she doesn’t have any really warm jumpers of her own. Thought about giving her one of my maroon ones, but what if she gave it back and it had boob marks in it? I wouldn’t be able to wear it anymore. Might ask mum to knit her one especially.
Tuesday January 13th
Harry and me got in a really big fight with Malfoy today – it was brilliant. He was winding us up about the Quidditch match on Saturday and we both lost it with him and tried to curse him at the same time. We got him with the fairy-tale curse; we turned him into a frog and he can’t turn back until someone kisses him! Ha!
High Point: Malfoy was back from the hospital wing by dinner time, but there’s a rumour going round that Madame Pomfrey had to kiss him! There’s also a rumour that Millicent Bulstrode was so distraught that she barged into the hospital wing crying her eyes out and slobbered all over him! Either way, Malfoy is looking very subdued.
Low Point: Ginny is really upset about something; she was crying on Hermione’s shoulder and saying something about Malfoy and Slytherin girls. Maybe she’s worried about the Quidditch match on Saturday, but tears seem to be a bit of an overreaction. She’s probably got her period – gross! I suggested this to Hermione, but she just rolled her eyes at me. You’d think she’d be impressed that I even thought about women’s problems.
For some reason Malfoy hasn’t sneaked on Harry and me for turning him into a frog. This must mean he’s plotting an even worse revenge.
Thursday January 15th
Bit worried about Harry. His scar seems to be hurting quite a lot and he’s been going to bed quite early. Hermione has been going with him. She says she sits by the bed and reads bits out of Hogwarts: a History to soothe him to sleep. She is so caring, but I hope she’s not doing too much. I offered to take over some nights, but apparently my voice is too noisy. His scar must be really painful because I can hear moaning coming from the dormitory sometimes.
I wish he’d tell Dumbledore.
Friday January 16th
Last Quidditch practice before the match against Slytherin tomorrow. Ginny was flying very aggressively and her eyes still looked puffy. Definitely PMS; apparently women want to kill people when they have that! Hopefully she’ll direct her killer instinct against the Slytherins tomorrow and not against Dean Thomas, because if she kills him I’ll never get back the Chudley Cannons quaffle I lent him.
Saturday January 17th
Match Day!
Gryffindor 230 – Slytherin 70! WE WON!
Ginny was terrifying! She knocked Adrian Pucey off his broom in the first ten minutes, and was battering the bludgers around as if she was Fred or George…Harry was brilliant as usual and I wasn’t too bad. Just as Harry caught the snitch, Ginny flew full speed into Malfoy and they both fell on the ground. They were kind of wrestling a bit and Malfoy got on top of Ginny and started whispering stuff in her ear. She wasn’t struggling much so I thought he might be cursing her and I ran over, but she was ok. In fact she looked a lot happier than she had for the past few days, so maybe knocking Malfoy off his broom cheered her up. I did hear her call him ‘Draco’ which was a bit weird but maybe she banged her head on the ground and got confused.
There was a celebration in the common room later and Luna came along with Padma Patil. Hermione wasn’t paying much attention to me, so I was quite happy when Luna put her hand on my knee a couple of times and called me ‘Ronald.’ She did start going on about crumple-horn snorkacks a bit, but I told her a couple of funny stories to distract her.
I looked over at Hermione a couple of times and caught her watching me. She smiled and gave a thumbs up sign – I hope she was just covering up a breaking heart.
Monday January 19th
Still snowing. I have three spots on my chin and one on my forehead. Hermione says it’s because I never eat any fruit or vegetables. I think it’s because I have lots of pent up frustrations and raging hormones. I might have to borrow Ginny’s ‘Gladrags Wizard Wear’ catalogue and have a look at the underwear section…
Borrowed it under the pretense that I’m going to get mum a hat for her birthday. The underwear section seems to have a lot of red and black lacy stuff circled – I wonder who else has been looking at it? Surely Ginny and Hermione wouldn’t want this kind of stuff? Some of it’s made out of leather! Feel a bit funny after looking at this, so give it back straight away. Think I’ll go for a cold shower.
Tuesday January 20th
Spots are even larger. Force myself to eat some Brussels Sprouts at lunchtime even though they taste like farts. Hermione told me to stop being a baby. Sometimes I don’t know why I want her to be my girlfriend. Thought about telling her that she wasn’t the boss of me, but then realised this was childish and undignified in a prefect. She isn’t the boss of me though.
Wednesday January 21st
Had big argument with Hermione today about S.P.E.W. Told her I wanted to let my membership lapse, as I needed the money to buy a razor. I definitely have enough hair on my face now to start shaving.
Hermione didn’t seem to agree and made quite a sarcastic comment about having to shave around my spots or I’d need a blood transfusion. I thought she’d be impressed that I was man enough to need to use a razor! I almost told her that Dobby’s been taking all the hats she leaves out for the house-elves anyway, but Harry’s face stopped me – I could see the panic in his eyes. I think he’s quite scared of her.
After putting up with a few more comments about not needing a razor for ‘two tiny strands of ginger hair’ I offered to use the razor to cut bits out of her own hair so she could get through doorways more easily. This did not go down well at all and I made a sharp exit to the Owlery. I didn’t know she’d be so touchy…
High Point: Pig seems to have recovered from the dodgy cockroach clusters. His perch in the Owlery smells an awful lot better at any rate.
Low Point: Hermione is still not speaking to me and we are using Harry as a go-between. I think he’s already fed up with this, as he didn’t want Hermione to read to him tonight and left her at the fireside, glowering at me. I didn’t ask her to check my potions homework like I normally would – so now I’m almost guaranteed a detention off Snape tomorrow for sloppy work. It really doesn’t pay to fall out with Hermione.
Thursday January 22nd
As predicted, Snape took great relish in giving me a detention. I have to clean out the bottoms of the six huge cauldrons he has at the front of the classroom without using magic. The fumes’ll most likely poison me before I’ve even finished one.
High Point: Hermione felt bad and offered to sneak down and help me later on. I told her not to be thick – it’s my own fault I’m rubbish at potions. At least she’s talking to me again; she gave me a really nice smile! Wonder if her and Harry will miss me tonight.
Low Point: All the cauldrons had about six inches of disgusting syrupy slime at the bottom of them, that smelled like old chicken fat. It’s all under my fingernails and in my hair, but when I tried to go to the prefects’ bathroom to clean up, Moaning Myrtle was hanging around. I didn’t want her perving on me, so I went back to the common room.
Just as I was opening the portrait hole I heard a kind of scuffling noise. Found Harry and Hermione sitting on the sofa – Hermione had her eyes closed and her head on his shoulder. Harry said he had come down to get a book and Hermione had been sleep walking and he was trying to wake her up. Bet she’s really embarrassed in the morning; she was only wearing a really skimpy nightdress. I had to go up to bed really quickly after that – her boobs looked great and I could feel things happening in my trousers…
Friday January 23rd
Was there ever such a torturous thing as double History of Magic? Even the cruciatus curse can’t be as bad as this. Harry and me spent the second hour creating a Super-Quidditch team with the best players from all over the world. We started to get a bit loud when I didn’t want Krum to be in it and Hermione tutted loudly at us. Don’t know if she was tutting about the noise or the Krum thing. Hope she doesn’t like him anymore.
Saturday tomorrow – thank all the gods in creation.
Saturday January 24th
Day of Doom
Now I know what Malfoy’s revenge was – to snog my sister!
Don’t know if I can write much more just now, am too traumatised. Can’t get the disgusting picture of Malfoy and Ginny joined at the lips out of my head! Am just going straight to bed.
Sunday January 25th
Still feel sick, but am more together now and can talk about what happened.
Went to Hogsmeade again yesterday. Me, Harry and Hermione decided to go to the Shrieking Shack for a look around, as we were pretty bored. Imagine my surprise to open the door and see the revolting sight of Malfoy practically on top of Ginny, snogging her face off! I think I gave a bit of a roar and pulled my wand out, but Hermione grabbed my arm and told me to calm down.
Ginny was very unruffled about the whole thing, I must say. At least Malfoy had the decency to look a bit ashamed of himself. She just said that she was sorry if I was annoyed, but she wasn’t going to stop seeing Draco and if I told mum and dad she would never speak to me again.
Then Harry asked her where she got off, telling us what to do, after she’d been the one sneaking around and telling lies. So Ginny said ‘Oh, you can talk Harry, what about…’ but shut up suddenly and looked at the floor. She must mean all the times me and Harry have done stuff without telling Dumbledore or mum and dad. But it’s hardly the same thing!
Managed not to ram my wand up Malfoy’s pointy nose and got out of there. I’ll never understand women.
Monday January 26th
Somehow the whole school knows about my sister and Malfoy. Ginny doesn’t seem to realise that she is a disgrace to the Weasley name and is acting like there’s nothing wrong. In fact, I keep hearing girls giggling in corners with her – they seem to think Malfoy’s good looking or something! He looks like a girl for crying out loud!
How can she go from the bat bogey hex to this though? At least Harry is on my side about this. Hermione just said that Malfoy had changed a lot since his dad went into Azkaban and we should trust Ginny’s judgement.
I have two words to say to that: ‘Tom’ and ‘Riddle’.
Tuesday January 27th
Still can’t believe Ginny. Also can’t believe she hasn’t had a howler from mum! Fred and George are going to make her life a misery this summer when they find out.
Told Harry I wished that Ginny would just go out with him. He said that he just saw her as a friend, and I said sometimes friends can become more than that. I looked at Hermione when I said this, but she was staring at Harry for some reason. For someone so clever she’s really slow to take a hint…
Wednesday January 28th
Cannot BELIEVE what happened today. I got a howler from mum, for letting Ginny have a boyfriend!! It was dead embarrassing. At least Malfoy had to keep his big fat mouth shut for once, seeing this is all his fault. She said Ginny was entirely too young for a boyfriend, especially one that none of us like (that was the only good bit, Malfoy looked really insulted – ha ha!) and I had to sort it out right away. And I was supposed to be a PREFECT for heavens sake, couldn’t I see what was going on under my nose?
Easy for her to say! She might think Ginny’s a little innocent angel, but she’s really more like a miniature version of Fred or George.
Luna came up to me afterwards and said, ‘Don’t worry Ronald. I know it’s not your fault. Look, I made this for you.’ She gave me a butterbeer cap on a bit of string – I think I’m meant to wear it round my neck. It was kind of nice of her, but I mean, come on! Everyone’ll think I’m some kind of nutter if I wear it!
High Point: Roast beef and Yorkshire pudding for dinner – hurrah!
Low Point: Hermione made me have fruit salad for pudding. And then ate apple pie and custard right in front of me!
Thursday January 29th
Snow has melted but now there’s slush everywhere. Fell off my broom in Quidditch practice and skidded along the ground for about 40 feet. Hit my eye on a rock in the ground. Going to Madame Pomfrey now – hope she gives me an eye-patch like a pirate! Ahoy there me hearties!
Friday January 30th
No eye-patch, just a big black eye to go nicely with the spots and the stubble.
Dumbledore announced today that there’s going to be a valentine’s day feast, at a special request from a few staff and pupils. I’m pretty bloody sure it wasn’t Professor McGonagall – she looked disgusted by the idea. Lavender and her gang started giggling though, and so did those gruesome Slytherin girls. Hope it doesn’t mean we won’t get proper food! It might be all pink cakes and oysters and rubbish like that!
Still, it might be a good opportunity for me to get somewhere with Hermione. I might start on another poem…
Saturday January 31st
Rained all day. Still had Quidditch practice though.
I had a shave this afternoon in the Prefect’s bathroom. Seemed to go quite well, I only cut myself 8 times. I stopped the bleeding with bits of loo-roll.
Caught Harry enchanting a valentine’s card to sing – aha! Wouldn’t tell me who it was for. Hopefully he took my hint about Ginny and will try and get her away from Malfoy. Then everything would work out perfectly!
Roll on February….
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A/N: This was just a stupid thing I thought up the other day and wrote in an afternoon, after re-reading ‘The Secret Diary of Adrian Mole aged 13 & ¾’ by Sue Townsend. If you’ve never read that you should get it NOW! It’s vastly superior to this nonsense, and has loads of British slang in, so it’ll be good for your fan fics.
Anyway, let me know if you enjoyed it, and I’ll make a start on February!
Disclaimer: I do not own nor do I claim to own the copyrights for the characters in this work of fiction.
A/N: Thank you so much for all the reviews! I wasn’t expecting that many! In response to a few comments – yep, Ron really IS this immature! In fact, he’s based a little bit on a friend of mine, who is actually well into his twenties, but still has a snigger if he catches sight of a girls knickers or something! Sad but true.
I started this after reading the Adrian Mole books again recently, so yes it’s reminiscent of them, although obviously not the plot or characters. And I have read the Bridget Jones books, many, many times so some of that will probably creep in too. I’m actually Scottish, so hopefully you’re all understanding my slang – I’m trying to keep it as English as possible.
Sunday February 1st
Hermione says I don’t read enough. I pointed out I’d read every Chudley Cannon’s yearbook for the past ten years, but apparently that doesn’t count.
8.00pm: I’ve taken a book out of the library about Godric Gryffindor. Maybe I’ll start reading all this intellectual stuff and Hermione and me will have really deep and meaningful conversations all night and she’ll realise that I’m the only one who’ll she’ll ever be able to talk to about the things that matter…
8.30pm: This book is unbelievably boring.
8.45pm: Godric Gryffindor might say ‘He who lives by the wand dies by the wand,’ but he hasn’t used his wand once yet! YAAAAWN!
9.45pm: Have read fifteen-and-a-half pages of this muck.
10.00pm: Have hidden the sports pages of the Daily Prophet behind the book, so it looks like I’m still reading it.
10.15pm: Got found out. Dozed off and dropped the book, and the Daily Prophet fell out. Hermione’s not impressed. Will have to base our relationship on the fact that opposites attract I think.
Monday February 2nd
Charms was especially dull today. Still, gave me plenty thinking time.
Hermione walks towards me across the Quidditch Pitch, a sexy glint in her eye. She beckons me with a finger. ‘Ron…’ she says in a breathy voice, ‘you were wonderful.’
‘Just doing my job, Hermione. I did save every shot on goal, and scored eight goals from the other end of the pitch, but I’m not one to brag about it.’
‘I didn’t mean the game – I meant…last night. You’re a wonderful lover.’
‘You haven’t seen anything yet, baby.’
‘Oh Ron…kiss me! Take me to the common room and…
Colin Creevey just burst into the classroom to say that Professor McGonagall wants me to go and help with six first years who’ve bought my brothers’ skiving snackboxes and can’t stop puking. Just my bloody luck.
Tuesday February 3rd
We have a new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher! She’s called Madame Bones and she’s Susan’s aunt. She seems really cool – thank goodness we don’t have to put up with that portrait of Phineas Nigellus teaching us any more – he was rubbish.
Harry’s called a meeting of the DA tomorrow, cos his scar’s been hurting again and he thinks we need to be prepared.
High Point: I’m making real headway with my poem for Hermione. It’s quite romantic, with a hint of seduction:
Pretty girl with the bushy hair
I’d like to see your underwear
I love the way you suck your quill
It really does give me a thrill
After writing that, couldn’t carry on for a while as kept getting sexy pictures in my head…
Low Point: Can’t find anything that rhymes with ‘bouncing’.
Wednesday February 4th
Just finished the DA meeting.
I rolled my sleeves up tonight for the meeting, because apparently (according to Warlock magazine) chicks dig scars, and I’ve still got the marks of where that brain attacked me last year. And look at Harry with his scar!
Mind you, loads of birds seem to like Malfoy, and he doesn’t have a scar at all. Unless he’s got one on his...
ARGH! Why is my brain thinking these things? Sometimes I disgust myself…
Zacharias Smith was being a real dickhead tonight. He kept saying that we couldn’t trust Ginny because she’s consorting with Malfoy, and anyway, why were we having meetings anymore when we had a proper DADA teacher now? But Susan Bones said her aunt thought the DA was a great idea, so that shut him up. Ha!
Still, was a good excuse to have a go at Ginny about Malfoy anyway. She took a huge tantrum and gave the cushion I was sitting on spider’s legs, which was really uncalled for. Just proves that she is far too immature for a boyfriend, in my opinion. Unlike Hermione and me, who are at the perfect stage of maturity for a fulfilling relationship…
Just used a trip jinx on Zacharias when he was having a drink of water. It went all down the inside of his robes. Ha ha! I never get tired of that one…
Thursday February 5th
Prefect duty at lunchtime today.
Some of those Ravenclaw girls are really nasty. I caught them today in the corridor on the third floor levitating a picture of Luna’s mum just above her head, and laughing at her. I know that Luna usually wanders about in a dream, but she seemed really upset. I shouted at them a bit and took twenty points each off them – so they can stick that in their cauldron and boil it!
Luna looked like she was going to cry when I gave her back the picture – I felt dead sorry for her. She said ‘You’re a true knight Ronald, like Sir Cadogan but with more freckles.’
I think that was a compliment, but Sir Cadogan? Isn’t he completely mental? Still, feel quite pleased with myself. Hermione’s too good at looking after herself for me to do things like that for her.
Friday February 6th
Have got book out of library about knights. They seem pretty cool. I’m not all that keen on horses mind you. Some of the language is a bit old fashioned: ‘Thou art never to do outrageousity, nor murder…always to do ladies, damsels, and gentle women succour.’
Not sure what ‘damsels’ are. Think they’re a kind of fruit. As I suspected – completely mental.
Saturday February 7th
Might grow a beard like Sir Lancelot.
Sunday February 8th
Hermione says that the concept of knights in shining armour is inherently sexist and implies that women are incapable of taking care of themselves, but need to be rescued by some idiot on a horse with a big lance.
Harry and me managed to hold on until she’d left the room before we started laughing. ‘Big lance’ – hee hee!
High Point: Malfoy and Ginny have fallen out! Heard her storming about the common room this morning. Couldn’t really hear what she was saying to Lavender, but was something like, ‘If he doesn’t know what he’s done wrong, then I don’t see why I should tell him…it’s not what he said…it’s the way he said it…’
Sounds like a win-win situation for me – if he doesn’t know what he’s done, he can’t apologise (not that I can imagine Malfoy apologising for anything anyway). Then Harry can come to the rescue!
Low Point: That complete slime-bucket Malfoy levitated a soppy love note through the common room window to Ginny! Unbelievable. I swear he makes me want to puke. Saw a bit of the note – it just said ‘we’re a pair of starcross’d lovers’ or some crap like that. What’s that supposed to mean? Hope it doesn’t mean they’re SHAGGING!
Hopefully Malfoy isn’t capable of shagging because of the disfiguring scar on his….NO! NO! Must stop brain from thinking these things!
Monday February 9th
Less than a week to go before Valentines Day, and my poem isn’t going well. Am considering asking Harry for help, though I won’t tell him who the card’s for. After all, he’s already finished his card for Ginny. I’m sure he can spare some ideas…
Later: Harry was pretty unhelpful really. He said I needed to be subtler and not mention underwear in the first verse. He obviously knows nothing about poetry! By mentioning underwear, I am of course referring via metaphor to her naked body! After all, if I only wanted to see her underwear, I could just go to the laundry. Actually, that might be an idea…
Even later: have decided to start from scratch. This one is turning out even better:
Come to me, my dark eyed beauty
Your eyelashes are black and sooty
I watch you as you stir your potions
You make me feel such sweet emotions
We are different, you and I
We don’t always see eye to eye
Maybe if I study hard
I’ll go up in your regard
Until then, remember this
Yours are the lips I’d like to kiss
Love, Ron.
Am a genius! I know valentine’s cards are supposed to be anonymous, but I’m not letting anyone else take credit for this.
Tuesday February 10th
Defence Against the Dark Arts was completely brilliant today! Madame Bones spent the whole time telling us stories of wizards she’s caught and put in Azkaban. She’s a scary lady. I can kind of imagine Hermione being like her when she’s that age. Don’t know how happy I am about that.
Mum is being a complete embarrassment. She’s obviously heard about the valentine’s feast and she’s sent me a revolting pink knitted bunny rabbit to give to ‘my sweetheart’. What the bloody hell am I going to do with that?
Later: Ha ha! Harry and me stuck one of Fred and George’s Whiz-Bangs up the rabbit’s arse and sent it out the window. Nearly landed on Mrs Norris – nice one! Will tell mum that Pig dropped it on the way to deliver it to me.
Wednesday February 11th
Lake completely froze over in the night so Harry and me went for a slide after lessons. Made up a game called BUSH where you take the biggest run up you can, slide across the lake, and launch yourself into a bush, shouting, of course ‘BUSH!’. Simple yet effective, I think.
Harry did a completely brilliant slide that went for about 50 metres, went head over heels into a rhododendron bush, and ripped the seat out of his trousers. Magic.
Thursday February 12th
Snape, the completely evil, slimy, greasy, smelly, big-nosed, dung brained GIT has given me Harry and Neville a ridiculous amount of homework, and says we have to get it done for tomorrow. Just because I burnt the bottom out of my cauldron and spilled a tiny bit of shrinking potion on the floor. Of course Snape went and stood in it and his shoes shrank so much that his toes burst out at the front. Then Harry caught the sleeve of his robe on the cauldron and sent the rest of the potion flying over Crabbe and Goyle (not sure exactly how much of that was an accident mind you –seizing the moment, more like). Poor old Neville just happened to be standing next to us when Snape started handing out punishments…
High Point: Crabbe and Goyle now have tiny shrunken heads! Never seen two humans look more like trolls in my life.
Low Point: We had set up a totally huge Wizarding Chess tournament and I was going to kick everyone’s arses! Now we’ve got to write a foot of parchment on how to chop up daisy roots.
Typical.
Friday February 13th
What a day! Have finished putting the final touches to my valentine’s poem. Managed to get Snape’s bloody homework done as well, just in time! Shoved it under his door with Harry’s and Neville’s.
Have hidden Hermione’s card in her shoe. Hermione my sweet, you have a wonderful surprise awaiting you! Sweet dreams….
Saturday February 14th
Valentines Day.
Cannot believe what happened today – think I’m going to jump off Gryffindor Tower.
It started this morning when I secretly watched Hermione open her card from me. Could see her reading the note inside. She looked really confused so thought I’d ask her what was going on – after all, sometimes poetry needs a bit of interpretation…
She said ‘I got this card, but they haven’t written anything in it – just put in a bit of parchment with some Potions homework on it!’
Could feel myself starting to panic. If the poem wasn’t there, then where was it? Ran up to the dorm to look for it. It was gone.
No, no, please no!
I’ve only gone and sent a love poem to Snape.
Immediate plan of action was to somehow break into Snape’s office and get the poem back. Surely not even he is sad enough to do all his marking on a Friday night?
Am starting to realise in complete horror that Snape could easily think the poem is talking about him. Lines keep coming back to me…
Dark eyed beauty…black and sooty…stir your potions…don’t always see eye to eye…maybe if I study hard…
PLEASE SOMEONE KILL ME NOW!
Snape is going to murder me for taking the piss out of him…
Raced down to his office, but couldn’t get in. Filch caught me just as I was about to do an Alohomora spell on the door. He says Snape is away till Thursday.
Went back to bed after that and pulled covers over head. I can’t go on.
Need to get a grip. Maybe can pretend I was under the imperious curse? I could blame Malfoy! Or…or could act like I’ve gone completely mad – although not sure exactly how I would do this. Have vague idea that it involves putting a pair of underpants on your head, two quills up your nose and saying ‘wooble’.
1pm: Right. I’m sure I didn’t hand in the poem to Snape. I probably just threw it away. There’s nothing to worry about.
3pm: WHY ME?
3.30pm: I’m doomed. DOOOOMED!
5pm: Harry just came in and asked why I missed Quidditch practice. Thought about trying the insane act on him, but doubt it would work. He said a valentine card had arrived for me at lunchtime. Could see that he had a quite few valentines himself! The sly dog. Opened the card, but didn’t seem to be from Hermione. It had a pop-up lion in it that roared and then said ‘Be my valentine’. The roaring lion reminds me of someone, but I can’t think who…
6pm: Time for the feast. The Great Hall was covered in pink stuff, like little cupids and floating hearts. A bit vomit-inducing to be honest. Most of the girls were in a state of giggly excitement, and even Hermione looked bright eyed and bushy haired. I couldn’t bring myself to make a move tonight though; I was too despondent about the poem fiasco.
Could see Ginny sitting with Malfoy beside the first years at the Slytherin table. Has she no shame? Weird to see Malfoy smiling like a human being instead of the usual sneer. Can’t understand how she can put up with his girly hair though.
Wound Harry up about the amount of valentine cards he had got. Hermione seemed to get really annoyed for some reason – maybe she’s fed up because she only got one card that had potions formulas in it instead of a romantic rhyme. She said that valentine’s day was a cynical commercial con that has nothing to do with real love and romance, which was all about spontaneity and nothing to do with floating pink hearts.
Harry said ‘I agree with you Hermione, you know I do. But I can’t help it if some silly little girls send me cards, can I?’ That seemed to calm her down. But talk about tetchy! It’s Harry’s problem if he got loads of cards, not hers.
Had grabbed a cupid and was trying to get it to fire an arrow into the back of Malfoy’s neck when I realised Harry and Hermione had disappeared. Lavender said they’d gone to decorate the common room for the party afterwards. She smirked at me a bit after she said that and rolled her eyes – she obviously doesn’t have much faith in their decorating abilities.
Saw Luna across the room, sitting by herself. Those cows from her year were sitting with their backs to her, but she didn’t seem too bothered. She gave me a little wave and smiled, which was nice. She must get quite lonely.
Dean Thomas interrupted at that point saying ‘I think we’ve given them long enough,’ and we all went upstairs.
Common room was strangely bare – Hermione probably wouldn’t let Harry put any decorations up after all, since she thinks valentine’s day is a load of codswallop. She seemed to have cheered up a bit though.
Went to bed quite early to ponder Operation: Get Poem off Snape.
Sunday February 15th
Have got enormous spot on side of nose – definitely caused by stress. Hermione will never know what I’ve been through for her!
Managed to get into Snape’s office this afternoon – no sign of the stupid bloody poem. Please let the house-elves have burnt it!
Too depressed to do anything tonight. Didn’t even get a thrill like I usually do when Hermione bent over to hitch her socks up. How can I think of sex when Snape is days away from murdering me?
How ironic that I did all this to get a shag, and now I’m going to die a virgin!
Monday February 16th
Might run away and go into hiding. Think am hairy enough to grow a goatee beard as disguise. Could live in the mountains and only come down once a week for a pint of ale in the village pub, and all the girls will be going ‘Ooh who’s that handsome bearded stranger, he must have a dark secret…’
No, no. It was a woman that got me into this mess in the first place! Must concentrate.
Tuesday February 17th
Professor Sprout took us for double potions today. I asked her if she had any homework to hand to us, but she said Professor Snape would give it back to us on Thursday. Can this torture get any worse?
Wednesday February 18th
Am in complete state of mental breakdown. Can’t take the impending doom any longer.
Low Point: Neville beat me at wizard chess today. In four moves.
Lower Point: Noticed that Hermione had another valentine’s card that she was carrying around in her bag. Think it was a musical one too, because I saw her reading it and smiling, and then slamming it shut quickly. Why didn’t I just do a musical one and leave it at that?
Thursday February 19th
Day of Reckoning
Couldn’t think of an excuse to get out of potions. Sat in the classroom feeling sick.
When Snape came in he didn’t even look at me. Maybe I just threw the poem away after all!
No such luck. Snape started handing back everyone’s homework from last week. Gave an especially nasty sneer when he handed mine back – was the bloody poem. He’d written ‘Weasley – see me after class’ in red ink right across it. He’s going to think I was taking the mickey out of him and give me detention for a year!
Later: Am in shock. Feel slightly hysterical and will have to lie down. Will write more tomorrow.
Can never go to potions again.
Friday February 20th
Yesterday was a nightmare I keep hoping I’ll wake up from.
After potions Snape called me over to his desk – was completely crapping myself.
‘Weasley,’ he said. ‘I know that adolescence can be a very confusing time for teenagers.’ I nodded but had no idea what he was going on about.
‘And I know how easy it is to develop crushes at this age. Especially on someone who is obviously intellectually superior to you.’ How does he know I fancy Hermione? Is it that obvious?
‘It’s not that I’m not flattered.’ WHAT?
‘But obviously, I am your teacher and you are my pupil, and that is the way things will stay.’ WHAT THINGS?
‘I suppose I should have noticed the signs of your crush – the clumsiness, the inability to answer a simple question…’
NO NO NO NO…Snape thinks I fancy him!
‘Lets just leave things at that, shall we? We’ll say no more about it.’ He looked up at me through his eyelashes.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Never, ever, even if I take my eyes out and boil them, will I be able to erase the image of Snape flirting with me, with his ‘black and sooty’ eyelashes!
Mumbled something or other and managed to get out of the classroom without falling over.
I’ll never feel clean again!
Saturday February 21st
Hermione made me go to Madame Pomfrey after I had six showers today. She thinks someone’s jinxed me into thinking I’m dirty all the time or something.
If only she knew!
High Point: There is a new nurse helping out in the hospital wing, and she’s got amazing knockers! She’s also got a very modern approach to medicine i.e. she thinks lots of hugs and nice little chats do as much good as medicine and resting. I’ve had my face crushed to her bosom three times so far, it’s fantastic. Had to wriggle away pretty sharpish though, as was getting a bit overheated, and this would have been tragically noticeable under the sheet.
Low Point: Madame Pomfrey has got a bit suspicious of me and has relegated Daisy (the new nurse) to refilling all the potion bottles. Never mind – there’s a possibility of a sponge bath tomorrow – fingers crossed!
Sunday February 22nd
Harry and Hermione came and visited me today, but not for very long. They seemed quite anxious to get away, and they kept stealing little glances at each other and smirking. They’re obviously planning something for me when I get out of the hospital wing! I’d better remember and act surprised.
Ginny came with Luna to visit me in the afternoon. Fought with Ginny almost straight away, as noticed she’s wearing some kind of tacky snake ring that Malfoy’s obviously given her. Asked her what she thought she looked like. She stormed off in a big drama queen huff and left me and Luna sitting there.
‘Ronald,’ she said solemnly. ‘Are you alright?’
‘I’ll be fine,’ I said. ‘What about you?’
‘You mean those girls in my class don’t you?’ she sighed. Then she told me that they didn’t really bother her that much, but it was a bit lonely not having anyone to talk to. ‘My dad’s always so busy you see. And I talk to my mother, but she doesn’t really talk back.’
Hmmmm – talks to dead mother. Not a good sign.
‘Ginny’s been a good friend to me, but now she has a boyfriend…’ I think I snarled a bit at this point, ‘…I don’t really see much of her. But I’m alright.’
Still, it must be horrible being left out of everything. Thank goodness I’ve got Harry and Hermione – I know they would never leave me out. It’s a shame really, because Luna seems nice enough. And quite pretty too, in an odd kind of way. Her hair was really shiny and I found myself wanting to touch it – not an effect Hermione’s hair often has on me, I’ll admit. I must have been a bit woozy from the potions Madame Pomfrey had been filling me with.
Unfortunately at that point she went off into some babble about Aquavirius Maggots and I think I dozed off.
Monday February 23rd
Back to sodding school.
Thought Hermione might have been more pleased to see me, but she was in a stinking mood. Think it’s because we’ve got to take the first years on a school trip to Magedelin’s Magical Menagerie and Harry gets to stay at Hogwarts and take it easy. He seems fed up too – maybe he’ll miss me at Quidditch training.
Tuesday February 24th
Nightmare. Accidentally vanished Harry’s glasses in Charms today. Was distracted by Hermione’s wand movements (was watching in case her chest wobbled) and pointed wand in wrong direction. Though Harry was going to cry when Professor Flitwick said it would take a couple of days to find them.
High Point: I know how to do a vanishing charm!
Low Point: Harry didn’t find the snitch at training today until it smacked him in the face.
Thursday February 26th
Hermione is being really helpful to Harry in his half-blind state. It’s nice to know she would do the same for me if I were struck blind.
Heard their voices coming from the dorm today. Hermione must have been helping Harry put his laundry away. He was saying ‘Oh Hermione, yes. Wait…not there, there. Yes! That’s it!’ It’s nice that Harry’s being so encouraging, but you’d think Hermione was the blind one! How difficult can it be to put something in Harry’s drawers?
Friday February 27th
McGonagall called all prefects into her study tonight about the school trip tomorrow. She says we are representing the school and must make sure we leave a good impression.
Surely allowing Malfoy and Pansy Parkinson to be prefects in the first place has mucked that up from the start? Kept mouth shut though, as McGonagall was in one of her scary ‘don’t-think-I-WON’T-take-points-from-my-own-house-if-you-push-me’ moods.
High Point: Harry’s glasses turned up today!
Low Point: Myrtle found them in her toilet and she’s refusing to give them back until Harry visits her personally. Brrrr.
Saturday February 28th
First Year’s School Trip
Don’t think Hogwarts students will ever be allowed within the gates of Magedelin’s Magical Menagerie again…
8.30am: Carriage arrives to pick us up. Driver’s name is Albert – looks a bit grumpy
8.45am: All pupils on carriage ready to go
8.47am: Stop to let Milly Middleton be sick
8.49am: Stop so I can go and get the camera Colin was lending me. Professor Sprout gives me filthy look
8.54am: Stop so Milly Middleton can be sick again
9.01am: Leave school gates.
9.13am: Have to return to school as have forgotten packed lunches. Driver says something unrepeatable that makes Professor Sprout go bright red and Professor Grubbly-Plank’s mouth go like a dog’s bum.
9.30am: On the road!
10.00am: Sound of Milly Middleton barfing into her hat kind of disgusting. Hermione looks a bit green. I, however, have stomach of steel.
10.10am: Stop to let me off to be sick.
10.20am: I mean why would that child’s parents give permission for her to go on a school trip if she can’t even sit in a stationary carriage without puking?
11.00am: Arrive at menagerie.
11.10am: Meet Hagrid at the entrance as was too big to fit in carriage with the rest of us. Takes us directly to the ‘endangered species’ section.
11.30am: Have an unconscious first year under each arm as Hagrid decided to introduce them to the delights of Fwoopers. Can see Hermione slowly reaching boiling point. She looks kind of sexy.
12.00pm: The packed lunches are really, really bad. I mean, liver sandwiches? Have a feeling Hagrid may have ordered them from the kitchens.
12.05pm: Milly Middleton sick again.
1.00pm: Have seen a chimaera, two bugbears, a tank of billywigs, a mackled malaclaw, have pulled one first year out of the hippocampus enclosure, two out of the red cap enclosure and have been bitten by a stinking dugbog.
1.30pm: Mrs Magedelin is complaining to Professor Sprout and Hagrid about the first years levitating ashwinders into the runespoor enclosure to make them fight, then betting on it. She wants us all to leave or she’s ‘calling the authorities’.
1.45pm: One of the Slytherin first years called Mrs Magedelin a ‘rotten old cow’ and stamped on her foot. Hermione tried to get Malfoy to do something about him, but he was laughing too hard to lift his wand.
1.50pm: Hermione really attractive when she’s angry. Feel kind of turned on after watching her thump Malfoy and dangle horrible Slytherin first year by the ankle over a tank of doxies till he apologised.
2.00pm: All back in carriage. Alas, Hermione’s disciplinary measures came too late and we were asked to leave. Can’t find Albert the driver though.
2.10pm: Albert located in the adjoining pub.
2.15pm: Albert appears to be in a much happier mood. Has started a sing-a-long.
2.20pm: Albert’s choice of song ‘The hedgehog can never be buggered at all…’ has been deemed unsuitable by Professor Sprout. Professor Grubbly-Plank’s mouth is even more like dog’s bum.
2.45pm: Pansy Parkinson and Ernie Macmillan have both been sick – think this may be liver-related.
3.50pm: Back at Hogwarts. Professor Sprout looks on brink of nervous breakdown. Hermione’s lips are so thin with disapproval they are on verge of disappearing. Milly Middleton has just wolfed down a bag of chocolate frogs and looks very pleased with herself.
4.00pm: Lying down in dorm with cold flannel on head. Think will hand in prefect’s badge to Professor McGonagall in morning – never want to go through that again.
*******************************************************************
References: Ron’s plan of acting insane – this is Edmund Blackadder’s plan in the last episode of Blackadder Goes Forth. This is the scene:
(Edmund wears underpants on his head with two pencils up his nose)
Edmund: Right, Baldrick, this is an old trick I picked up in the Sudan. We tell HQ that I've gone insane, and I'll be invalided back to Blighty before you can say "Wooble" -- a poor gormless idiot.
Baldrick: But I'm a poor gormless idiot, sir, and I've never been invalided back to Blighty.
Edmund: Yes, Baldrick, but you never said "Wooble." Now, ask me some simple questions.
Baldrick: Right. What is your name?
Edmund: Wooble...
Baldrick: What is two plus two?
Edmund: Oh, wooble wooble.
Baldrick: Where do you live?
Edmund: London.
Baldrick: Eh?
Edmund: A small village on Mars, just outside the capital city, Wooble.
Albert’s song – ‘The hedgehog can never be buggered at all’ is of course Nanny Ogg’s favourite song from Terry Pratchett’s Discworld series. Some of the lyrics are as follows:
The spines on his back are too sharp for a man
They'll give you a pain in the worst place they can
The result I think you will find will appal:
The hedgehog can never be buggered at all!
A/N: Thank you so much for all the reviews. Sorry I’ve been so long in updating! Anyway, I’ve responded to a couple of points about the story in the ‘recommendations’ thread on the forum, if you’re interested.
Sunday March 1st
My Birthday!
Am now seventeen and a MAN!
Have received the following presents:
Can’t learn to apparate till the summer holidays though, as can’t practice at Hogwarts.
Was waiting all day for the surprise party from Harry and Hermione – after all, they were giving each other such funny looks when I was in the hospital wing – but it never happened. They must have realised I was on to them…
Monday March 2nd
Charm Her Knickers Off is proving highly educational. I have learnt the following:
Asked Seamus what he thought about point number two. He gave me a copy of The Vacillations of Fanny Adams that he pinched off his mum in the Christmas holidays. It’s absolutely filthy! Apparently women want to be slammed up against walls and have their bodices ripped by evil men in breeches and moustaches? Surely not…
Tuesday March 3rd
Have set up my butter beer brewery. Have followed the instructions almost exactly, but have added a few extras of my own. It’ll be ready in two weeks – Seamus pointed out that this is just in time for St Patrick’s Day! Perfect.
Thursday March 5th
Double potions was horrible today.
Was sitting as usual playing hangman with Harry as Snape droned on and on about essence of hellebore. Usually he gets his little pet Malfoy to help him with demonstrations, but today was me. ME!
Had to stand and stir the stupid cauldron while Snape chucked things in it. Sure he was standing needlessly close. Sure also that he was looking at my arse when I bent down to pick up some toad bowels he dropped (on purpose?).
Wonder if anyone else suspects anything? Have started to see double meanings in everything Snape says…
‘First we drop in the essence of Hellebore. Stir faster, Weasley. Faster boy!’ Blimey.
‘Then we grind up the beetle wings. Grind harder Weasley!’ Bloody hell.
‘You should submerge the jobberknowl feathers with a sharp, thrusting motion – we do not want these to float to the top, or dissolve. I said thrust!’ Oh god.
‘By now your potion should look black. Black and sooty…’ Argh! Shut up, shut UP!
‘You may return to your seat now Weasley.’
Was a nervous wreck by then, hands sweating, stomach churning. Snape was smirking at me in a horrible way. Have awful feeling he is toying with me…
Friday March 6th
Have begun trying to sweep my hair back from my forehead dramatically, like Lord Huntington in The Vacillations of Fanny Adams. It stays back for about half the day, but seems to want to stick straight up all the time after that! Dean has suggested using lard? Interesting idea.
Hermione tried to corner me today and said ‘Ron, there’s something I need to talk to you about.’ Just when I was planning my answer (I feel the same way my darling) Harry bloody well barged up to us and interrupted! Trust him not to realise that something was going on – he is really slow at picking up deep undercurrents of emotion. Considered turning my back on him and pushing Hermione into a wall Lord Huntington-style, but am a little too scared of her to do that, to be frank.
They went and had a quiet argument in the corner of the common room, but I couldn’t hear what they were saying, apart from the odd phrase:
‘…course he doesn’t suspect…’
‘I am NOT being a coward…’
‘…thick as mince…’
Huh. Harry obviously doesn’t want to ruin the dynamic of our little group by letting Hermione declare her feelings for me. I would always spare time from our passionate lovemaking to have a game of gobstones with Harry – he should know that. Imagine saying Hermione was thick as mince though! He’s either very brave or very stupid.
Saturday March 7th
Match Day – playing Hufflepuff!
That Zacharias Smith is almost as bad as Malfoy when it comes to bad temper. He was strop, strop, stropping around before the match, complaining that Lee Jordan is too biased as commentator and puts everyone off, and flapping his robes around. Who does he think he is – Lucius Malfoy? Didn’t help that every time he ponced up and down in front of the stands, loads of girls started sighing with longing. I even heard Ginny muttering to Vicky, ‘If it wasn’t for Draco, I’d definitely be interested…I have a thing for stroppy blondes!’ Is there no end to her bad taste?
Match ended up being a draw – don’t know what Harry was playing at! He wasn’t concentrating at all and caught the snitch when Hufflepuff had just scored a goal, because he was staring into the Gryffindor stand.
A note fell out of his Quidditch robes in the changing room – it just said ‘I’m wearing your Christmas present.’ Who could have sent him that? I mean, I know he gave Ginny a pair of socks for Christmas, but would that be enough to distract him from the match? Unless he has some kind of perverted foot fetish. Gross! No wonder he spends so long helping Hermione knit stuff for the house elves – he gets turned on by woolly SOCKS! What a weirdo.
Hermione was looking pretty hot today – in fact I’m almost sure she was wearing a lacy bra! Yum…
Sunday March 8th
Had a really dirty dream about some blonde girl. Why can’t this happen in real life – why?
I can’t go on with this frustration! This is not the way my seventeenth year is meant to be panning out!
I don’t want to be single, horny and desperate, average at Quidditch, freckly, skint, own a banjo I can’t play, with a sister who is out of control and going out with my arch-enemy!
What I want is to have a girlfriend (Hermione, preferably) who can’t get enough of me, I want to play Quidditch for England on weekends when I don’t have prefect duty, I want loads of money, a motorbike and a sister who listens to me. This is what I want! Why can’t I have it? Why?
Monday March 9th
Have tried lard on my hair today. It’s slicked back really well! I look very imposing and debonair. Might take my arms out of my robe and wear it as a cape. Need a riding crop too, but not entirely sure what that is?
Later: Care of Magical Creatures was a disaster. Disaster! So humiliating.
Lesson was Billywigs and their Wily Ways. Hagrid let go a big swarm of the mucky things and we were supposed to note their flight patterns and then catch them in a net…bloody things headed straight for me and got stuck in all the lard.
Low point: Harry came to my rescue and vanished the lot of them – but vanished my hair with them! Now am completely bald and look insane. Thought Malfoy was going to do himself an injury he was laughing so much. Have got a big hat with earflaps on, and Harry is looking up hair growing spells. Huh.
High point: Hermione and the other girls can’t seem to stop rubbing my bald head! They think it feels nice! If only my head wasn’t the only bit they wanted to rub.
Tuesday March 10th
Have begun learning to play my banjo. Seem to have a natural aptitude for it!
Later: Hermione says that if I play ‘The Lumberjack Song’ one more time, she’s going to start screaming and she doesn’t think she’ll be able to stop. Switched immediately to ‘my old man’s a dustman’ (bet she’s impressed by my repertoire).
Later still: Dean Thomas started ending himself laughing when he saw me playing the banjo. He said with my bald head it was like something out of ‘Deliverance’. Dunno what he’s talking about, some Muggle nonsense no doubt.
Even later: Hermione explained that the ‘Deliverance’ thing meant I look like a half-wit. She thinks I should stop playing now. The woman has no music in her soul!
Midnight: Huh. Hermione just came storming down from the girl’s dorm, took my banjo off me, cracked me over the head with it and stormed back upstairs again. Philistine. Noticed she was wearing bed socks – I’d better warn her about Harry…
Wednesday March 11th
Have noticed that Luna is surprisingly clumsy for a girl. Was standing at the foot of a flight of stairs, stopping the first years from sliding down the banisters, when she slipped and practically fell on top of me! I caught her round the waist just before she fell over. She was very apologetic but it was ok – she’s tiny really, hardly weighs a thing! I said that to her and she went pink. Realised that I still had my hand on her waist and started to go pink myself. It’s so humiliating that I still blush at my age! Even the top of my head went red! Got a grip on myself (not literally!), lowered my brow Lord Huntington-style and swept off.
She had really nice perfume on though.
Friday March 13th
At last Harry has made a hair-restoring potion! Will try it after lunch.
Lunchtime: ARGH! Have grown really long ringlets all over my head! Cannot go to Herbology like this. Will try and give myself a haircut in the prefect’s bathroom.
Later: Was terrible trying to get to the bathroom. Not only did Justin Finch-Fletchley pat me on the bum (he claimed he thought I was Susan Bones from behind) but Snape saw me too! He gave me a very lingering look and flicked his own hair at me. EEEEEWWW!
Thankfully Luna appeared and offered to help. She says she cuts her dad’s hair all the time. Was a bit worried by this as have seen pictures of him in the Quibbler and he looks pretty mental, but that might just be the bulging eyes. Didn’t need to worry, as Luna seems to be a hair genius. Might even recommend her to Hermione if I’m feeling brave. Luna managed to make me look almost cool! Felt nice when she was running her fingers through it to even the ends up – very soothing. At one point she was facing me and I looked right at her and…no, shouldn’t be thinking things like that. She’s not Hermione!
Saturday March 14th
Hogsmeade day today. Felt pretty cool with my new hair cut. Unfortunately met the twins on a delivery to Zonko’s, who started calling me ‘Gilderoy’ and asking for my autograph. Maybe hair is a bit big on top?
Later: Just caught sight of myself in the window at Honeydukes. Definitely looking HOT today! Twins are speaking rubbish as usual. I am a red haired DYNAMO! Will walk through Hogsmeade and smirk at any girl who looks at me in a longing way.
Later still: Only attention I got was an idiotic old witch who was looking for the Leaky Cauldron. I stuck her on a train and she gave me a sweet with bits of tissue stuck to it. Bloody Malfoy shouted ‘Is that your new girlfriend Weasel? Didn’t know you were a granny banger!’ and all his evil minions ended themselves laughing. Didn’t deign to reply to his immaturity. Wish his balls would dry up and drop off though.
Sunday March 15th
Having a clothing crisis. Seem to have grown out of everything recently, and trousers flap above my ankles in a very un-cool way. Was contemplating the problem (turn all jeans into shorts? Ask mum for new trousers and risk getting knitted ones?) when Harry and Hermione barged into the dorm, giggling. Harry looked horrified to see me and went all red and speechless. Realised my woolly socks were clearly on show beneath my too-short jeans…why have I never realised his weird obsession before? He really needs to get a grip! Took my socks off immediately and threw them into the corner of the room, then said ‘Is that better Harry?’ He just gawped at me, as did Hermione (she should really watch out – her knee socks probably drive him insane) so I scarpered. The strain of being saviour of the wizarding world is obviously getting to the poor bloke.
Monday March 16th
Double history of magic is plumbing new depths of dreariness. I mean, do we really need to read the Chronicles of a Dwarf King who wrote down what he had for breakfast every day? (And it was always rocks. Sometimes with a little warm gravel.)
Hermione says those who forget the past are condemned to repeat it. I suppose that makes sense – if I don’t remember all this stuff, I’ll probably have to re-sit the exam!
Tuesday March 17th
St Patrick’s Day!
My home-brewed butter beer should now be ready! Hope that everyone appreciates the delicate flavourings and subtle aroma.
Seamus is very excited about the butter beer. We’re going to sample a bit before Charms this afternoon to see if it is ok for general consumption. Seamus says he has a high tolerance to alcohol, being Irish, and will be unaffected if have made beer too strong.
1.30pm: Have sampled the beer – think it’s alright, if a bit stronger than usual. Have had one glass each before Charms.
2pm: Professor Flitwick is very amusing today! Can’t stop giggling to self.
2.30pm: Have a bit of a headache now. Very sleepy too.
5pm: Going to have a little Irish Toast with the butter beer before dinner. No one but Seamus seems all that keen though.
6pm: Sod dinner! Butter beer is marvellous! Love Seamus – he’s my new best friend!
7.30pm: Never knew I was this witty and eloquent! Seamus finds me very amusing. Hermione keeps tutting and folding her arms. Don’t think we’re being that noisy. Think I’ll tell the farting joke again.
9.45pm: Have gone on expedition to find Room of Requirement! This is a brilliant idea from Seamus – after all, we really, really need some naked ladies and some snack foods…
10pm: Have found Room of Requirement! Me and Seamus concentrated really hard – hope he concentrated on naked ladies cos I concentrated on food…
10.05pm: Room of requirement bloody good fun – no ladies, though, Seamus got distracted. But plenty food and lots of fancy dress clothes! Seamus is a genius! Will impress Hermione by wearing something sophisticated and…. Ooooh! Lederhosen!
10.15pm: Me an’ Seamus look great. Am making sandwiches for everybody in Gryffindor – mmmm, starving! Seamus wants chocolate spread an’ cucumber. Blurry bread keeps falling off table…
11pm: Back in common room. Gryffindors are NO FUN! Won’t join in conga, or eat my sandwiches. Will just have fun by ourselves, then! Where’s my banjo?
11.30pm: ‘I love to go a-wandering, along the mountain traaack…’ Seamus knows loads of Austrian folk songs!
12 midnight: La, la, la! Oof. Have got braces* tangled in chair legs…
1am: Just going to rest my eyes for a minute. Wish Seamus would stop singing…
Wednesday March 18th
5am: WHERE THE HELL AM I? Oh god…
5.15am: What am I lying in? Urgh, have face in half-eaten prawn and pickled beetroot sandwich. Why did I think that was a good idea?
5.30am: Back in own bed. Will just close eyes for a minute.
9am: No, no, no! Am meant to be in Defence Against the Dark Arts! WHAT ON EARTH AM I WEARING?
9.10am: Found robes hanging from chandelier in common room. Wonder who put them there? Don’t want to know why I woke up wearing lederhosen and a fur coat. Must be someone’s idea of a joke. Have to get to the classroom…
10am: Just caught Seamus’ eye. Have had terrifying flashback to dancing on a table both wearing lederhosen and slapping our arses. Maybe this was a dream – can’t have really happened!
10.10am: Think I might have sung a bit, but not sure what…
10.15am: Harry is humming ‘Edelweiss’ under his breath and smirking.
11am: Just about to have double Care of Magical Creatures. Seamus looks worse than I do. He reckons that if he could just puke he would feel better. Harry suggested the ‘Millicent Bulstrode’ method, but don’t think my stomach can take it either…
11.30am: Harry and Dean just used the ‘Millicent Bulstrode’ method to great effect on Seamus.
‘Imagine kissing her,’ Harry starts off. ‘With her thick, slobbery lips, and her acne rubbing against your cheek…’ Seamus goes slightly green.
‘Yeah,’ added Dean, ‘and her moustache tickling you…’ Seamus goes even greener.
‘And her lovely breath from all the cockroach clusters she eats…’
‘And imagine if she undid her shirt, I bet she’s got a hairy chest…’ Harry adds with relish. Seamus retches slightly.
‘And her bra’s probably all grey and stained from all the food she spills down herself,’ Dean says.
‘And she smells like vinegar and cabbage, and she wants you to take her knickers off…’ That did it. Seamus ran off to the bogs and came back five minutes later, looking a million times better.
‘Bloody hell,’ he said. ‘Talk about projectile!’
Are all horrendously late for Care of Magical Creatures, but was worth it.
Low Point: Everyone in corridors is singing The Happy Wanderer: ‘Valderee, valderah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.’ Either that or telling me how nice my knees are. Bloody Seamus! This is all his fault.
High Point: Luna came to tell me that she’s very impressed that I wore lederhosen, as it’s a well-known fact (hmmm – fact?) that dancing in leather trousers keeps bad spirits away. She seemed overly interested in seeing the lederhosen I wore last night, but the house elves have taken them away to get the beetroot stains out.
Thursday March 19th
Feel better today.
Launched the remaining butter beer out into the lake in a barrel. Never, ever drinking again.
Friday March 20th
In deep trouble with McGonagall. She says the mer-people got hold of the barrel and had a really noisy party last night. Apparently they kept Snape up all night, and when he went down there to complain, the giant squid squirted ink all over him.
Think this may not go in my favour…
Saturday March 21st
Ginny told me today that she’s asked Malfoy to stay at Hogwarts over the Easter holiday so ‘we can get to know him better.’
I said ‘You mean he wants to spy on us so that he can tell You-Know-Who about it, and get even further up his arse than his dad was!’
She replied ‘Well, that is just ******* typical of you, you never give anyone a ******* chance you complete ******* ******!’
Think Ginny may have Tourette’s syndrome. Her language is quite outrageous. Also have horrible suspicion she has learnt most of it from me. Should never have let her come with me to that Chudley Cannon’s game in the holidays – my language tends to get a bit colourful. But the referee was a ******** ****.
Sunday March 22nd
Ginny apologised for her temper tantrum yesterday. She just wants us all to ‘get along.’ I told her we’d all get along fine if Malfoy was a) a decent human being b) less girly-haired c) amenable to me kicking him in the nuts whenever he annoyed me. This triggered another strop from my sweet tempered sister. Honestly, if I could just get Malfoy to overhear one of these mood swings she wouldn’t see him for dust!
Monday March 23rd
Divination today. Think Professor Trelawney has finally gone off her rocker. Claims she now has a spirit guide called ‘Tufty’ who is a giant squirrel and connects her to the world of the dead. He gave her a message from Lavender’s bunny rabbit Binky, who apparently said ‘I’m in my happy place now.’ Harry asked how a squirrel could understand a rabbit, but Trelawney ignored him. Glad Hermione wasn’t there, she would have hit the roof.
Tuesday March 24th
Luna has started coming round to the Gryffindor common room quite a lot and hanging around with Ginny – don’t think she’s getting on with the Ravenclaws any better. Turns out she’s a bit of a whiz at wizard chess, so we’ve had a couple of good games. I’ve beaten her so far, but she has a pretty bizarre technique…she says she just asks the chess pieces where they want to go. She says the white knight’s a bit of a coward, but the rest of them are not bad at all.
High point: Hermione saw me playing chess with Luna and rolled her eyes! Definitely jealous – although Luna was whispering to a bishop at the time.
Low Point: Luna calls the pawns ‘prawns’ and giggles every time she says it.
Wednesday March 25th
Think Pig has a crush on Hedwig – it’s really embarrassing. He flew in behind her today at breakfast and jumped on her back, just as she was delivering a letter to Harry. She started shrieking and flapping her wings, with Pig clinging on for dear life and trying to hump her. She sent the milk jug flying over Hermione. Hopefully he was just being playful.
Later: Hagrid says that Pig’s been trying to hump Hedwig and any other female owl for days! He has turned into a ‘flaming nuisance’. Hope this isn’t due to lack of proper role models (i.e. me). Might stop getting him to deliver me Warlock magazine – it has some very sexy pictures in it which might be addling his mind.
Low Point: Hagrid is making me help him build a special enclosure for Pig while he’s going through puberty (or as Hagrid says, ‘acting like a randy bugger’).
High Point: Group of fourth year girls got to see me swinging a hammer about and generally looking manly. Wish I hadn’t hammered my finger while they were watching, but managed to hold back almost all of the tears.
Thursday March 26th
Double potions was nightmare as usual. Snape doesn’t seem so friendly since the giant squid incident – he still has a strangely grey complexion.
‘It is a real pity…’ he sneered after I messed up my potion for the third time, ‘…that the rules have been changed for student punishment. These dungeons used to have a real purpose. I remember my potions master giving me a thorough spanking for forgetting to add essence of musk ox to my memory potion…’ then his eyes went all dreamy and a very disturbing smile crept over his face. Just as he muttered something that sounded like ‘can we use the manacles tonight sir?’ Malfoy said ‘Professor?’
He snapped back to reality, took ten points off me and sat for the rest of the lesson fingering a cane he keeps in the corner and throwing nasty glances in my direction.
I’m afraid. Very, very afraid.
Friday March 27th
Have to have that idiotic Malfoy sitting at our table for the Easter weekend. Mum has started siding with Ginny over this as well – typical. She sent him an Easter egg and started going on about ‘poor little fatherless mite’ in her letter. Calling Malfoy a ‘poor little mite’ is like calling a blast-ended skrewt ‘adorable’. He made a huge production of eating the egg really slowly in front of me as well and grinning, until I could have smacked him one right in the face.
Seemed to have a strange effect on a few of the girls though – especially when he started licking the chocolate off his fingers. They all started sighing and giggling to each other. They must be disgusted by his bad table manners as well…
Saturday March 28th
Ginny has obviously had some kind of talk with Malfoy which means he’s had to be on his best behaviour. Ha! This gave Harry and me ample opportunity to torment him at dinner.
Harry: That’s some interesting hair you’ve got there Malfoy.
Me: Yes, how do you get it to look like that?
Malfoy *preening*: Well, I…
Harry: I mean, it looks like feathers
Me: Little baby chicken feathers
Harry: Little baby girl-chicken feathers
Malfoy: mrurghmfl!
Me: Sorry?
Harry: What was that?
Malfoy: I SAID…
Ginny: SHUT UP
Ginny: All of you!
Ginny: I think it’s pretty!
Harry: *quietly* cheep cheep!
Me: cheep!
Sunday March 29th
Really nice weather today. Me, Harry and Hermione got permission to take a boat out on the lake. Malfoy and Ginny were out in one as well and were obviously getting Harry and me back by snogging disgustingly and holding hands and sharing their sandwiches in a pathetic lovey-dovey way. It makes my stomach HEAVE!
I accio’d one of their oars while they were mid-tonsil-tennis though! Ha! Hahahaha! That’ll teach them!
Later: Hermione made me row back out and give it to them. So unfair, it was quite cold by then and Harry and her got to keep warm under a blanket on the shore while they waited for me. They might have given the blanket to me, selfish gits. I was going to ask Hermione to tuck it in round my…dammit! Shouldn’t think about Hermione doing that while I’m writing, I’ve spilled ink down my trousers.
Monday March 30th
Am in a really good mood today! No divination as Trelawney had an emotional trauma and is resting – something about a black cat, the number thirteen, someone walking under a ladder and a pair of new shoes being put on a table. Dumbledore said something about ‘spontaneous implosion’.
Quidditch practice went really well too – think my new hair is more aerodynamic. Oh, the cleverness of me!
Tuesday March 31st
Can barely manage to write this. Came back from library late tonight and saw Harry and Hermione.
Together.
Feel like the picture has been branded onto my mind. Harry kissing MY Hermione, with his hands in her hair! She looked so pretty too, when he stopped kissing her for a moment – her cheeks pink and her eyes all half-closed and sexy. Then she saw me, and her face went grey.
Ginny came back to the common room at that precise moment. She realised what had happened straight away, and took me upstairs to bed.
Later: Can’t believe it. Hermione and Harry have been secretly going out for MONTHS. Ginny says they didn’t know how to tell me!
Feel like I’m King Arthur and Lancelot has taken my Guinevere.
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A/N: Sorry to end on such a sad note! Bless him. He’s still thinking about knights though, if you’ll notice, so maybe he’ll bounce back from this better than you think…
References:
*Bentley Drummle is a character from Dickens – Great Expectations. He marries Estella, but is pretty horrible to her, so probably wouldn’t know much about charming anyone’s knickers off.
*Braces – I think in the US you call braces ‘suspenders’ – would that be right? As in the things you hold your trousers (pants) up with? In the UK suspenders are what you hold your stockings up with. So if I had Ron wearing suspenders, the whole scenario would have been ever weirder. Ah well…
Lord Huntington is from The Tenant of Wildfell Hall by Anne Bronte, who is a terrible drunken cad, but pretty sexy by all accounts…
The Vacillations of Fanny Adams – title adapted from The Vacillations of Poppy Carew by Mary Wesley.
Billywigs and their Wily Ways – Billy Connolly did a sketch called ‘Tarantulas and their wily ways’ in his ‘Billy and Albert’ show. I can’t really go into this in too much detail (as this is a PG13!) but I think Ron would have appreciated it.
Lumberjack Song – Monty Python, obviously.
My Old Man’s a Dustman, he wears a dustman’s hat, – I have a feeling George Formby used to sing this. And explaining who George Formby is makes me feel tired, so you’ll just have to google him! It suffices to say that this is a fairly old British (cockney?) song, usually accompanied by a banjo.
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