Penance
by RONIN10

Rating: PG13
Ship: Harry & Hermione
Canon: Books 1 - 5
Genre: Angst
Status: Complete
Length: 1,070 words in 1 chapter
Published: 2 Feb 2005
Last updated: 2 Feb 2005

This was the way she always came to him. His mind relaxed and empty, when he least expected it and he needed her most.
He sighed deeply, knowing it would be some time before he would see her again.

From the Unofficial Portkey Archive: https://portkey-archive.org/story/3740/

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1. Penance

Disclaimer: I wish I did, but I don't own Harry Potter. That belongs to J.K. Rowling, Scholastic, etc. This story is
purely for your entertainment and mine.

Penance

The morning sun slashed harshly through the bedroom curtains like a razor. Although it was late June and warm, this day
always presented a chill that would never leave his skin.

His body clung to the bed as he forced himself from the cocoon of sheets he had fashioned for himself during the night.
With an agonizing protest from the weak side of his brain, he pulled himself up out of bed, compelling his feet to carry
him to the bathroom. The chrome was cool against his skin as he turned on the water, but it took extreme temperatures
for any sensation to break through the walls imprisoning his mind.

Hot today; it's got to be damn near scalding today, he thought.

Dialing up the temperature until he was satisfied, he proceeded to untie the drawstring to his pajamas. He was so thin
these days that once the knot was undone, the elastic waistband did nothing to hold them on his hips. He ventured a
vague glance at the fogging mirror, mildly noting that his ribs were beginning to peek through beneath his skin. Some
small part of him was shocked that he didn't care.

He climbed into the shower and let the water sear his skin, forcing down the instinct to turn the water temperature back
down to a reasonable level. The flesh of his neck and back instantly reddened from the blistering water as he hung his
head under the shower nozzle.

The hot water seemed to wash away the melancholy and he was left feeling numb and vacant, with only the punishing heat
from the water to accompany his fractured mind. He placed his hands on either side of the showerhead and rolled his head
back to allow the water to flow directly onto his face. It felt as if the water were lacerating his cheeks as it flowed
past them and filled his ears. The splashing on the shower floor faded, leaving only the rush of the water in his ears.
As his skin slowly adjusted to the near scalding temperatures, he ceased to consider his breathing, forgot the pressure
on his feet, and allowed the rush of water in ears to ebb away.

He stood that way for a many moments as the steam from the shower filled the bathroom. It hung thick in the air like a
choking fog, but he experienced nothing of the world in those precious moments. His mind was empty, the heat of the
water and the misery of haunting memories forgotten. It was in this bleak state of nirvana that he first felt her. For
the first time in a year, he came alive again when her delicate fingers met his skin. His head lost its ability to
support itself and fell forward, allowing the water to rain down around his face. Sound and touch reentered his
consciousness and he was able to distantly observe the transition in his breath from a steady and rhythmic drone to deep
and uneven attempts to keep air in his lungs. He slid his eyelids back into his skull, watching the individual water
drops cascade from his head towards the tile floor before becoming fuzzy and nondescript as they descended beyond the
edges of his vision.

The skin of his lower back tingled with electricity under her fingertips. Slowly, her right hand began tracing the scars
on his back, the indicators of his most profound failure. He stood rooted to his spot under the water, helpless to move
under her softest touch. He let his eyes slip shut again when her left hand touched his side at the waist, wanting every
ounce of his attention focused on this rare moment. Her right hand abandoned the scars and crept up his back and over
his shoulder, coming to rest in the center of his chest. She slid her left hand around his side and across his waist,
grasping his opposite hip. Pulling her body into his, he was forced to stand upright. For a moment he lived again when
he felt her bare flesh push into his back as she embraced him, holding him tightly to herself.

They stayed that way for several moments, reveling in the comfort of each other's touch before she pressed a kiss into
his shoulder and he felt her touch melt away. A sense of panic flooded over him when he could no longer feel her skin
against his. He snapped open his eyes and he turned to face her, daring himself to believe that she would be there. As
had happened so many time before, she wasn't.

This was the way she always came to him. His mind relaxed and empty, when he least expected it and he needed her most.
He sighed deeply, knowing it would be some time before he would see her again. He sank to the floor of the shower and
exhaled a pained breath.

"I miss you too, Hermione," he whispered to the empty curtain of fog.

It would be some time before he would move again. He would lie there until the water ran cold as ice and he could no
longer contain the violent shaking. He knew today was a day for suffering. Today, he punished himself more than any
other day. Today was the day he should've died and so… he did his penance for not doing so, hoping to die a thousand
deaths over so that he could have prevented just one. Today was the day he failed to save Hermione.

A/N: This scene occurred to me many months ago while I was showering myself (keep your snarky comments to yourself). I
found myself in a melancholy mood for no apparent reason and felt some kind of strange numbness from the funk I was in
as I took a very hot shower. I saw water drops falling from my head and blurring at the periphery of my vision and the
rest of the story formed itself around that image. Originally, it was not meant to be a HP piece, just a scene to be
used in a TBD story at a later time, but I thought I'd tweak it a bit to fit on Portkey. I hope you liked it.
