Regret
by artisticmaster

Rating: PG13
Ship: Draco & Ginny
Canon: Books 1 - 5
Genre: Angst, Romance
Status: Complete
Length: 0 words in 1 chapter
Published: 23 Sep 2005
Last updated: 10 Dec 2005

Draco Malfoy is facing the biggest decision of his life: join the Death Eaters, or join the light side? However, either
decision will lead to the loss of a loved one. D/G

From the Unofficial Portkey Archive: https://portkey-archive.org/story/5139/

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1. Regret

DISCLAIMER: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers
including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is
being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

Author's Notes: Hello everyone! Actually, this story is originally posted on Fictionalley, but I wanted to get it onto
Portkey as well, to see how it would be received among the authors that I admire so much.

This version of “Regret” is darker than the one that I put on Fictionalley—I had a chance to fine-tune it, you could
say. So please enjoy!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

June 16th

White and black.

Yin and Yang.

Light and Dark.

Good and Evil.

Everyone knows about the two sides of the world; either you're good or you're evil. But what happens to the people of
the Shadows? Do they remain undisturbed, or are they caught in the cross fires of war?

I am Draco Malfoy, and I am a being of the Shadows.

Contrary to popular belief, I am not `evil'. Despite the fact that I was raised with the intention of others to become
evil, I no longer am. I've become a Shadow-dweller. The Dark War is approaching rapidly, and I must make my decision
once and for all on which side of the battle I should fight with as an ally.

*****

Evil is, to put it simply, evil. However.... My family is well known in the Wizarding Circles as Death Eaters, so if I
become `good', I will have no choice but to betray them. I would never want to do that under normal circumstances, given
the situation, this is a War. Wars separate families, and mine will be no exception.

My father is by all accounts `evil'. He is contemptuous, insidious, devious, and powerful. To many of the general
population of wizards and witches, in that sense only, I am exactly like my father.

But that's not the only side to him at all. The other side of Father—the darker, unrelenting, and manipulative side—I
would rather not inherit.

He beats Mother all the time. He has never laid a hand on my own body because I am the only heir to the Malfoy line, but
he doesn't hesitate to unleash his uncontrollable rage on her.

When I infuriate him with my failings and disobedience, Mother is always the one who must suffer for my actions. I
quickly learned that if I continued to disobey my father, then Mother would be beaten.

So, out of my love for her, I bit my tongue and accepted whatever my father said towards me while my mouth filled with
my bile blood. But just because I stopped fighting back doesn't mean that he has stopped hurting Mother. She has just
been spared from being beaten so often.

Father also has a mistress of some sort. I have never seen her, and wasn't even aware that such a person exists, but
I've seen a letter that she has written to him. Other than that, there is no trace that he has been having an affair.

Mother must have her suspicions, but I surmise that she is too intimidated to voice them because of the consequences
that would eventually come to befall her. But it all makes sense: Father stays out late on most evenings, returns
drunker and happier than when he left, and ignores Mother the following day. He never talks about where he went for the
evening, and when asked, he gives a very vague, clipped answer.

Father was also determined to turn me into a `real' man, or at least his opinion of a real man, at any rate. He taught
me many things that he considered important if I were to serve the Dark Lord. First of all, I was to follow every
command without question; the Dark Lord never reveals the entirety of his plan, for fear of traitors and spies.

Secondly, I can never show my emotions. Emotions make you `weak', and if your enemies knew about, per say, your hot
temper, they would be able to use it to their advantage.

Third, I am not allowed to shed tears of any sort. To me, this would appear to actually be a sub-category to the second
rule, but the fact remains. It shows weakness; that's the last thing you need when you are a part of a war.

Lastly, you can never love another person. If you learn to love, then you have a weakness that everyone will know about;
they can use it to their advantage, and hold your loved one as hostage until you meet their demands.

After living with my father for over seventeen years, in these kinds of restrictions, it's a wonder that I haven't left
already.

Mother is a completely different kind of person. She puts me before herself, and the maternal desire to keep me safe has
kept her going despite Father's treatment towards her.

Mother is everything that Father isn't: kind, caring, warm, elegant, honest, beautiful, and soulful. I know that she
loves me more anything and anybody. She cared for me beyond belief. She has guarded me from the harshness of my father,
and has shown her strength to me on countless occasions.

She taught me about the simple pleasures in life, little things that we should be grateful for: sunlight, flowers, a
breeze, rain, and snow.... I'm struggling to not sound sentimental, but I'm grateful that even if Evil consumed the
world, at least they will be unable to take away those precious things.

Mother has also taught me how to keep me from being so attached to our wealth. Even though we are quite well off, she
has always preferred not to coddle me like most mothers; she firmly believes that it would teach me how to restrain
myself from making frivolous purchases, and to learn self-discipline.

Mother is the main reason why I am still considering the Dark side.... If I stay, at least then I can still protect her
from my father.

*****

True happiness and a life that offers me peace of mind is the reason why I'm considering joining the Light side of the
world. I could marry a simple woman who I truly love, and have children with her. It would be a pure utopia if I could
raise my children in a world filled with love and peace, instead of a world full of distrust and hate.

One reason why I'm even considering this side is because of Mother's safety. At least if I manage to convince the Light
side that I'm not a spy, they'll be able to protect her with their lives. I've learned from experience that the Dark
Lord doesn't give a damn if you lose your loved ones at all; his only purpose is to accumulate utmost power over all.

The Light side believes in an utterly different philosophy. They try to save as many innocent lives as possible, and
that's one of the reasons that it's just so easy to leave and join them right now.

The other reason... is for Ginny Weasley. We've been secretly seeing each other in secret for over a year now; however,
we can't let anyone about our relationship, for if the Dark Lord found out, he would murder her.

Likewise, if we told her family the truth, then they would kill me from suspicions that I'm just using her for sex and
information.

It's actually quite amazing that we even made it this far in our relationship, considering how we used to treat each
other in the past. One night, we unknowingly snuck out to a costume party held by mutual friends, met, and fell in love
without even realizing each other's true identity.

Once a week, we would sneak out and meet. When we had finally reached the one-month mark of our relationship, we decided
to reveal our true identities.

At first, I was completely shocked, not to mention furious! Of all the women I could have met and fallen in love with,
it had to be a Weasley! But then something happened that changed my outlook on our relationship: she kissed me.

It was a light, chaste, unsure kiss. But the feel of her lips on mine evoked such a strong emotion of longing and desire
inside of me; before we both we could stop ourselves, we were inside the club, my hands running through her hair, her
hands feeling every curve of my body.

I don't remember how long we were there, but I remember that by the time that we stopped and left for Hogwarts, I felt a
surge of happiness and my spirits were lifted. I felt so good, so empowered, that I dumped Pansy in front of the entire
school in the Great Hall the very next day... and I did it for Ginny.

I can still recall Ginny's face vividly when I did that; her eyes were shining, and her lips were trembling slightly. I
can remember that it took all of my self-discipline to run over to her then and there and snog her in front of the
entire school.

But, Pansy's tear-filled eyes and her strangled sounding sob penetrated me, and I left with Crabbe and Goyle before I
got the chance to do something extremely drastic.

But then one day, she told me that her brother the boy Weasel was starting to get suspicious that she was seeing
someone, and until I decided once and for all what side that I would be a part of, she couldn't see me anymore.

I felt so broken and lost that I grabbed her and kissed her forcefully, passionately, longingly, hoping that it would
convince her that I loved her, that she came before anything else to me. But she pushed herself out of my arms and left
silently without a word.

I can still taste her lips on mine, smell her perfume in the air, and feel her thick, fiery red hair. But until I decide
what side I am going to be on, I'm going to have to use my memory of her to satisfy my need of her love.

June 18th

I have to make my decision, and fast.

Father discovered a photo of Ginny that she gave to me for my birthday in my room, and is highly—for lack of a better
word for it—vexed. No, that can't even describe how he's feeling. He's practically on the verge of explosion.

If it had not been for the writing on the back of the photo, I could have lied and said that I was tracking her, so that
she could lead us to the Headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix. But the writing on the back ruined my only excuse. It
read:

To Draco;

All my love, Ginny

I have to warn her, before it's too late. He has most likely already contacted his fellow Death Eaters, so the Dark Lord
will know for sure about this `scandal'. Who knows what he'll concoct to hurt Ginny?

I have to go see her immediately; it might be too late, but I would never forgive myself if there had been a chance that
I had given up on.

But if I go, Mother will be exposed; she could be taken instead.

What am I supposed to do?

Do I save my mother, my lifelong protector? Or do I save the love of my life?

*****

June 21st

It's too late.

I was too late to save her.

I had gone to warn Ginny at the Burrow, but despite the fact that the Weaslys thought I was going to kill them, Ginny
managed to reassure them all that I meant no harm. In less than five minutes, she explained our entire relationship, and
that she loved me with all of her heart.

They calmed a bit, but when I told them that I knew that the Death Eaters were coming for Ginny, they all went berserk.
They all immediately took their wands out and escorted her upstairs, where she quickly packed her belongings. Then, Ron
flooed her to the Headquarters. Since I had done everything that I had set out to do, I returned home.

I was too late.

The manor was eerily empty and haunting when I returned home. I ran through the entire house, searching for Mother, and
calling her name.

I was too late.

There was only one room left to check: her bedroom. My hand shaking, I tremblingly turned the gold handle...

I was too late.

Mother was there... but she was already... gone. The carpet that lay beneath her four-poster bed was tarnished, smeared,
and splotched with blood.

I was too late.

She was lying on the bed, her body tossed haphazardly. Her skin was a deathly white, and her lips had no trace of the
healthy pink they usually carried. I tried to stop myself from looking at her eyes, but they were open; her blue irises
showed that her last moments had been in torture and distress. Her robes were stained, moist, and still dripping with a
red substance that could only be blood.

I was too late.

By saving one person that I truly loved, I lost the other.

I was too late.

I'll never forgive myself. I should have taken her with me; I shouldn't have left her alone...

I was too late...

*****

June 23d

Two days have passed since...that day happened.

It's still all a blur. I don't remember the details; it's as if my brain refuses to let me remember the pain... But I
want to remember. I want to remember the raw, fresh hurt that Voldemort has so suddenly, brutally, unrelentlessly laid
upon me.

Pain helps you grow as a person. I'm supposed to deal with this.

But I can't help but break whatever I'm holding and feel the rage when I think of Father, and of Voldemort.

I want to help channel my pain into something good. I want to use my pain, my rage, my hurt, and my agony into
destroying everyone who had destroyed my life.

Voldemort will pay.

I haven't seen anyone since this whole thing began. I just ran away. I knew that if I stayed at the manor, then Father
would eventually come and end up killing me as well. What would happen to Ginny if he killed me? I don't want her to go
though the same pain I had to go through.

Voldemort will pay.

There's only one path I can follow through now. I have to go to the Light side. I have to avenge my Mother's death. I
have to right all of my wrongs.... And I will make my Mother's sacrifice worthwhile. I will not let her sacrifice go in
vain.

Voldemort will pay.

*****

June 25th

I am now an official member of the Order of the Phoenix. It seems that Ginny told everyone about our relationship
already, so when I arrived, no one said anything. It was as if I was their ally all from the beginning.

That didn't last very though. When the meeting began, I was interrogated, bombarded with every question of doubt that
crossed their mind. I surprisingly had a lot of information for them; it seems that things that I once considered
trivial were actually extremely important.

I felt like someone of significance, and that I actually mattered in the scheme of things. I didn't have to work up to a
level of importance before someone actually cared what I had to say, like the Death Eaters did. I mattered from the
minute I walked through the doors of this Headquarters. Everything I said was considered, poked, looked at, and
inspected. I was a part of something, and that I was saving lives from what I knew.

Ginny looked so proud of me; I knew she felt proud that she had seen the good in me and had turned me into a force of
good before anyone else.

I'm so grateful to her. I can't tell her through words how much her love and confidence in me means to me. No one has
really actually cared for me, besides my mother.

I know that if Mother had known about Ginny from the very beginning, she would have welcomed her with open arms, despite
the fact that she was a Weasley.

One odd thing, though, is that no one knows about what happened to Mother. No one knows that she was brutally murdered,
or that that was the main reason why I decided to switch sides. No one knows.

Except for one Harry Potter.

How he knows, I have no idea. But for some reason, he knows.

After the meeting, he asked if he could talk to me for a minute. I assumed that he was still suspicious of my motives
for joining, so I complied, ready to retort to his comments. But when he turned around to talk to me, he said something
I didn't expect him to say.

"I'm sorry about your mother."

I looked at him in shock. He was looking at me carefully, as if he didn't know how I'd react. In fact, I really didn't
know how I'd react. He was the first person to say that, and the first person, other than the Death Eaters and myself,
who knew about my mother's death.

At that moment, I thought with a flicker of annoyance, Harry seemed to be channeling Dumbledore's `all-knowing' spirit.
When I didn't saw anything for some length of time, he said again.

"I'm sorry about your mother... Although I never knew my mother, I really do believe that I have a vague idea of what
you're going through." He waited for me to reply, but when I didn't say anything, he continued, "Even though it seems
like there's a big hole in your heart, just remember at least you had memories of her; how she smelled like, how she
felt, how her voice sounded, and how she cared for you. Some people don't even have that much." Then, he turned around
and left.

I had totally forgotten that he had experienced hurt as well; and he was right, I was lucky to at least have a few
memories of Mother. After all, he had none at all. I prayed, then and there, that Mother could somehow comfort Harry's
parents, and let him know that he's doing fine, and that he misses them terribly.

I don't know how long I stood at the window, staring out at the night sky, contemplating my decisions and memories. But
sometime past midnight, I heard someone approach. It turned out to be Ginny.

"Draco?" she whispered timidly.

I didn't move, and I could hear her move uneasily towards me, not sure how to approach me.

"Draco, are you all right?" she whispered again.

I looked at her deep, sensitive eyes—the ones that I had so long dreamed of seeing again—and I replied, my voice
choking, "No, I'm not."

She didn't hesitate and instinctively put her arms around me, a protective circle of good and strong love. She held me
tightly, whispering and I cried for the first time in thirteen years into her shoulder. When I finally stopped, her lips
were tenderly caressing my neck, sending tingles all over my body.

"Draco?" she asked simply.

"Yeah," I replied. I reached to brush her red hair out of her eyes, so that I could gaze into her spirited eyes. Her
eyes penetrated my soul, and she saw me for who I was, and she knew instantly that something terrible had happened.

"Your mother?" she said softly.

I didn't reply, but the answer was in my eyes. I saw the tears in her eyes threatening to fall.

"I'm so sorry Draco. I know how much she meant to you." she whispered.

I didn't say anything. I just felt her lips with my own, and kissed her with all the love I felt for her, now that she
was the only person I had left to live for. And I slowly began to understand that Ginny's love would heal me. That one
day, I can live a normal life again.

I would be fine.

~~~~
