Only Love

Only Love

I didn’t think about it in the beginning. It didn’t cross my mind in the slightest that one day…something could happen between us.

We just were.

We were the untouchable couple, the type of relationship that everyone wanted to have. Everyone wants a perfect relationship where nobody fights, nobody argues, they don’t scowl, sneer or have any problems or complications.

In truth, that relationship doesn’t exist. That’s fairy tale crap made up by film companies who want to make money fast. Just add a happy ending onto a sad film and the cash magically appears.

In the real world, some relationships don’t work out, people don’t magically fall in love, you have to fight for what happiness you have and then…evil often wins. The bad outweighs the good and it tips the scales.

Life is hard.

I could still the picture the look on his face when I’d said it. I could pinpoint the moment I shattered his heart. He looked like he wanted to kill, like his world had just collapsed, but he just calmly got his coat and walked out.

That’s what hurt the most.

The fact that he didn’t stand there and argue with me over it, fight for me, try and win me back…he just left, like there was nothing more to say about it. It just was, and that was that.

That hurt. The coldness, the bitterness, all locked up inside of him wherever he is. I can’t imagine where he is at this hour. I’m stood where we would always be together, holding each other, looking out over the world from the roof of Hogwarts. It’s where we first said it, first declared it and it’s where I’m ending it.

Although, I doubt this is the end.

We both love each other but we were never in love. We both knew it, we both knew that it had to end because we were only kidding ourselves, trying to make it work when it had nothing to work on in the first place.

I don’t know what’d made me say yes. I don’t know how I’d ever managed to lie to his face like that, like I knew he’d believe me. And he did. He believed my lie.

I’d said it first. "I love you."

And then he had. "I love you too."

Our first kiss was in the Gryffindor common room, our first dance was at the Yule Ball in sixth year, the first time we made love was in seventh year, downstairs in the Head Girl’s bedroom. Even then we only did it to get it out of the way…all the awkwardness over and done with. There was no passion involved. The ‘love’ issue didn’t come until the day we left, stood on top of the castle roof together.

We convinced ourselves that there was something there that was never there in the first place. And I couldn’t keep lying to myself like that. I couldn’t marry him under false pretences.

@@@@@@@@@@

"Hermione! We can make this work if we both try!"

"No. Face it, it’s over. It never worked; it’ll never work. I won’t marry you when I feel like this!"

"So, that’s it? Four years, the best four years of my life thrown away because you never felt like telling me this sooner?"

"It’s not like that. We just need to accept this. It’s come to a natural end! Nothing you can say can change my mind."

@@@@@@@@@@@

I feel a tear slip down my cheek gracefully. If it was love, shouldn’t it make us stronger somehow? Shouldn’t it lift us up to places we’d never imagined we could go?

I’m crying now, letting everything out into the dark night lying in front of me. The irony being that I’d cried over my love for him in this very spot three years ago. Now I’m crying because I never really loved him. Ironic irony. It’s amazing how it slaps you in the face when you’re down.

"Hermione?"

It’s Harry, wonderful oblivious Harry…with his black hair, his emerald eyes and his hugs to make it all better.

"Are you alright?"

I try to hold composure, try to hold it all in but just by asking that, he opens a flood gate and it all comes pouring out. Within seconds I’m in his arms, my head against the soft drumming of his chest and my arms around his waist. He’s just holding me, knowing that comforting me goes a lot deeper than simple sentences or words he could string together. Poetic nonsense is useless.

But Harry knows that all he really needs to do is hold me, tell me I’ll get through it because I believe him. I believe him when he says he’s hurting, I believe him when he says he’d rather be in bed watching Saturday morning cartoons then sitting at the breakfast table with me and Ron arguing again. I believe him when he says that the only thing he can do is listen…

And I believe him when he says he loves me because he’s always believed in me.

"Shh," he soothes, rested his head against mine and stroking my hair in that special way only Harry can. "It’s okay. Everything’s going to be alright."

I bury my face into his shoulder a bit more, relishing in the ‘Harry’ smell. The smell of pine, freshly cut grass, thyme, cricket, Earl Gray tea, peaches, the Quidditch supply closet and LINX Africa all rolled into one Harry shaped bundle. Although, his shirt smells of dirt and I pull back a little before remembering that it’s his club Rugby shirt; clean but he could never get the smell of Diagon Fields out of it.

I stand crying in his arms for a while longer before my breathing settles and I feel like I manage a full sentence before breaking down into a big puddle of goo again. We both pull back and look at each other, his eyes so wide, full of painful memories from his childhood that he never managed to shake. This time I saw what was behind them, inside his centre.

He smiled and I smiled. A watery smile that I’m sure didn’t look all too attractive. He took my hand in his and laced our fingers together so we were joined.

His eyes shone for me, looking at me even though I didn’t want the world to see me.

"Brings back some memories," he said in an almost whisper, still smiling.

And it did. Stood in this spot three years ago when Harry came to comfort me. Our kiss, our stolen kiss, our little stolen moment of borrowed time. The night we’d thrown caution, rational thought and all manner of apprehension to the wind and just acted on basic, primal lust.

That was a moment that never progressed into anything. That moment stayed as just that.

But looking at him now, looking down from four inches above me, I can understand why we had to wait until now. It feels good that he remembered our stolen time together, it feels good to know that I remember it.

Now we have all the time in the world.

I laugh happily for the first time in a while and he laughs along with me, his smile brightening the darkest of days like it always has done.

"Harry," I begin, more tears beginning to fall but not because of a broken relationship…because I finally realised something I should’ve done all those years ago. "I’m sor…"

He shakes his head and presses a finger to my lips, stopping my apology from escaping my lips. "It’s only love."

We both smile, knowing finally that the both of us have realised it. Some later than others but we got there in the end. We’re here now, together, looking at each other and relishing that we both ‘know’. There’s been enough torment and broken hearts. We just need this now. It’s our time.

"Come on," he grins, pulling me towards the doorway. "You need a cup of tea."

"As long as it’s Earl Gray," I say, following him willingly.

Ron, I’m sorry. I’m sorry it worked out like this but you’ll realise it eventually. Nothing could really stop Harry from finally being there. He was there all the times that I needed you. I need him now and although I still need you, I need you for a different reason. You’re my friend, and always will be.

When you look back on this you’ll forgive me and you’ll see that this was the way it was supposed to end four years ago. This was how it was supposed to be.

The Knight in Shinning Armour, the happy ending, when we walk into the sunrise in the distance I’ll know that it was always meant to be Harry. He is my happy ending; he is my knight…my glowing snitch on a dark Quidditch field if you must.

Words can never change what you mean to me, what you meant to me for my adolescent life. You were my first love but not my final love, just as I’m not yours.

You’ll get it soon enough.