My Juliet

DemonOfTheFall

Rating: PG13
Genres: Angst, Romance
Relationships: Harry & Hermione
Book: Harry & Hermione, Books 1 - 5
Published: 13/11/2003
Last Updated: 03/12/2003
Status: completed

A ficlet. Harry is in love with Hermione. She is in love with his best friend. A glimpse into the pain that can be caused by love and the hope that is always there, even in the bleakest of autumns. *Completed*

Chapters

1. Forlorn In Silence

2. A Dewdrop To Infinity

3. In An Autumn So Bleak

1. Forlorn In Silence

Forlorn In Silence - Harry

If you knew her, you would know exactly how I feel. You would know exactly why I spend my days behind a veil of normality and my nights lost in worlds of perfection that lie only behind my closed eyelids. You would know how I ache. You would know how much it hurts to love someone that you know will never love you back. You would know how heartbreaking it is to see your best friend hold the girl of your dreams in his arms. If you knew her, my Juliet, you would know exactly how I feel.

They look so happy together. They always do. Amidst my sorrow, they live on in eternal happiness. And should they not? Should I forsake our friendship, the bond that holds us together, because of feelings that I secret? Should I risk all of what has kept me reasonably sound because of a mere desire? It is an eternal paradox, that I should covet what pains me so. And shall I ever overcome it? That is only for time to decide.

Sometimes I feel so alone. So agonizingly alone. Left to myself inside a dream world created by my sanguine imagination; it is the only thing that keeps me from drowning in a surge of my own emotions. If it weren't for my dreams, those revoltingly beautiful windows into my subconscious mind, I would have nothing to retreat to. I would have no escape from my own thoughts.

Why do you insist on tormenting me so? Can you not see the pain I feel when you moisten your lips; lips meant for him? Can you not see the pain lashed down inside of me every time you put on the perfume that he loves? Your perfection kills me and it is an agonizingly slow death. But still you torment me, pretending not to see the adoration on my face. It is hard not to see the ache that lingers in my eyes every time I look at you. It is there now, as it always is.

My fallen star; I ache to hold you in my arms.

I wish I could tell you everything. I wish I could let everything go; every emotion, every feeling, every tear. I wish you could feel the same way I do. I wish I could tell you that you could never be anything less than the most beautiful creature, inside and out, that my tired eyes have ever gazed upon. I wish for a lot of things, but they never come to pass. Only at night are my prayers answered. Only behind my eyes can I see things as I so desperately want them to be.

Some times I feel like Romeo and you, you are my Juliet. Like him I yearn to be the glove that is granted permission to linger upon your glowing cheeks. O how happy a glove would I be! Even to rest there for a moment I would be content, for that moment would be filled with every emotion that has bottled up inside of my fading shell. I would treasure such a gift, for its meaning encompasses that which I could not put into terms. I am no poet and it would take one of great skill to capture your perfection in simple words.

O good Apothecary, where are you for me now? Where art thou for me in these darkest of times, when all of my hope seems lost? I thirst for your sweet potion to set me free.

The night is bleak and cold outside of my window. Winter has fallen upon the land, depriving it of the warmth it needs to sustain life. Thus the vast expanses are barren and desolate, an embodiment of what lies inside of me. I am forlorn in silence, as the long nights are. Idle in darkness I sit, while you wander amongst dreams. Will winter ever come to a close; is it as endless as it seems?

Unanswered questions left idle. As a forgotten book in the basement of a forgotten library, they are left to gather dust. Dust and age. Time has forgotten us as it is accustomed to doing; running on in rivers of grief, callous to the ones left behind. I am like a stone in the path of that atrocious river, and little by little I am worn away to nothingness. A single snowflake falls to the earth in a torrent of serenity. A lone flower in winter is how I will forever be. But still I wait.

An angel's embrace; you touched my soul in ways that transcend common words. I wait for you in hopelessness, but you are bound to another. I wait for you, my Juliet. I will wait for you as the sun rises. I will wait for you as the seasons change. I will wait for you as time runs its vile course. I will wait for you in my dreams, where you and I are always together.

If you knew her, you would know exactly how I feel. You would know exactly why I spend my days behind a veil of normality and my nights lost in worlds of perfection that lie only behind my closed eyelids. You would know how I ache. You would know how much it hurts to love someone that you know will never love you back. You would know how heartbreaking it is to see your best friend hold the girl of your dreams in his arms. If you knew her, my Juliet, you would know exactly how I feel.

The Gods above must tire of my voice, for I spend every waking minute praying for a change. Praying for an end to this pain I feel inside. Wishing and hoping to the above that one day you would yearn for me as I yearn for you. That it would be my hand enclosed in yours as we walk. That it would be my bed that you long for in your most intimate of thoughts. That it would be my arms enfolding you as we sit alone, enjoying the warmth, comfort and safety that we provide each other. It is in these things that I place my hope, among an infinite amount of others.

If I could wish for anything; the land, the sea and the heavens above; it would be useless, for all I would want is you, my Juliet. That is who you are, and who you will forever be. For all of eternity and longer, you will always remain my Juliet.

Silent above, the stars shine. And they will be there still, until you are mine. Mine to covet and mine to hold. Mine to let my love enfold. How I long to feel your breath upon my face. How I long to savor your taste. How I long to explore the secrets of your being and to finally grasp what I have been so seeking.

I wish I could write the great book of life as I see fit. But I know I can't. Everything cannot be as I want it. I cannot have everything I so desire. And because of this, I cannot have you. But still I endure. And I shall do so, until it is my time to depart.

I still have my dreams and they are still as sweet as the smell of your hair upon your neck. I shall never lose these, for they are all I have right now. They are my reminder of what the future could hold. They are my reminder of what true happiness really is.

Everything I lay eyes upon reminds me of you. The rich, earthen brown of a newly planted garden reminds me of the beauty of your eyes. A gently falling leaf the auburn of your hair. The rays of a summer's sun on my neck the feel of your skin. A sky-painting sunset the crimson of your lips.

Maybe things will change. Maybe one morning the day's birth will truly hail the coming of a new dawn. Maybe the Gods above will finally smile down on me. Maybe I will be able to see my dreams come true through open eyes. Maybe things will change. But that is only for time to decide.

I love you with all of my being, and I will do so, forevermore. And no matter how things turn out, I will always be here for you, my Juliet.

I love you.

2. A Dewdrop To Infinity

A Dewdrop To Infinity - Hermione

For once in my life do I not know which path I should follow. Ever since I was old enough to think about my own future, I knew where it was I wanted to go and what it would take to get there. Always has it been so. When I was eleven, my Hogwarts letter came. Since then I knew that it was absolutely essential for me to know as much as possible about this wonderful new world I was being given access to. I knew I would have to work hard. I have worked hard. And I knew I would continue to do so. I knew so much then. I knew so much.

When I was eleven, my Hogwarts letter came. When I was eleven, my whole life changed.

Have you ever had the feeling that you are being buried alive, only to realize you are the one holding the shovel? I know I have. That is how I feel every day of my life. And every day the hole is but a little bit more full. Every minute is as a clump of dirt and every hour is just another shovel-full. The end is inevitable, that is if I choose to let it happen; if I choose to let myself be buried alive.

I am trying to find some peace of mind. Closure of any kind. Yet still it hides. Yet still it hides. But what am I to do? How am I to solve a problem that I do not know the answer to? It isn't like I can just open a book, or go to the library and do research. This is a problem such as I have never faced before; a problem that has no easy solution.

I am so confused. So completely and utterly confused. Torn between two sides, but which to choose? How can I make a decision this difficult without making the wrong choice? How can I listen to my heart if I have never heard its voice? I am not experienced in these things. I have never known love. If only I knew how much heartache it could bring.

What can I do to get myself through this pain in my heart? What can I do to get myself through this ache I have felt from the start?

Why does love have to be this way? Is love not what holds the world together? Is love not the most powerful force in the universe? Is it not these things? Has my heart been playing host to something other than this force? Have I been tricked? Is love a tender thing? I think not. It's too rough, too rude, too boisterous and it pricks like a thorn.

Still I am left with this unanswered enigma. It is an enigma so great but I should think about it by day and dream about it by night! But what am I do to? What am I to do? Do I love one and forget the other, or do I love neither and forget myself? So confused am I, that by night I cry, and by day I lie.

I lied when I said my heart didn't feel that way. But with things the way they are, what would you have me say? Would you have me forsake him for you? What would you have me do? I know you well enough to know the answers to these questions. I know you well enough to see inside your heart. It isn't hard to see the longing ache present in your emerald eyes. It is there now, as I look upon you yet again.

I want to tell you everything. I desperately want to tell you that you are not alone in your thoughts. I dreadfully want to tell you to wait for me; to tell you that soon I shall be yours. I already am yours, but you do not know it yet. You are my friend, my confidant, and so much more. If it is such my luck that you should see the same in mine eyes, then so be it. I know then that you would wait for me. I pray to the gods above that it is so.

Your eyes are what drew me to you. They are but windows to your heart and there I saw all I needed to know. But why now, after I have sworn my love to another? I have made my promise in words, but in my heart it goes unfulfilled. I am his by name, but in name alone. But what's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet. Only for you does my heart long. You see us together and it kills you so. I know, for I see in upon your soul. It kills me too, to see you that way, but not for much longer, for my heart would turn gray.

I see you as my Romeo and I am your Juliet. It is written in the stars that we should be together, although I am not one to believe in such things. But in this instance it is my hearts that tells me so. And how could something that feels so right, be so wrong? Always have I been told to trust my instincts first and my instincts say that it is for you that I thirst. Of all the times I have been with him, never have I felt as I do when I just look into your eyes. A whole field of butterflies then decides to make games among my insides. I could drown in the placidness of them if you just gave me the chance, and it is my guess that you would such in the flutter of a heart.

Give me my Romeo and when he shall die, take him and cut him out in little stars. And he will make the face of heaven so fine that all the world will be in love with night and pay no worship to the garish sun. As my love burns through and through, you can be assured it burns for you.

I would do it now if it weren't for the smile that has taken residence upon his face. I love you both, as I have so come to realize, and that is the means to my end. I am still so confused. I will always love you both, no matter what becomes of the predicament at hand. But in my heart, in that one place that is reserved for but one person and one person alone, you shall always have the lone space. I would do it now if it weren't for the smile that has taken residence upon his face.

Like rivers of time, days pass on and on. A dewdrop to infinity, but the sun sets forever anon. A sigh to bring a feeling and unto you I forever grasp. Shackled lamentation evermore, as it has so been in the past.

It has begun to rain outside and the world weeps on my shoulders. It weeps for me and it weeps for you, but more so it weeps for him. But it can't rain all the time. The sky won't fall forever. And though the night seems long, his tears won't fall forever.

You are my Romeo and I am your Juliet. And no matter what happens from then to now, I will be here forever yet.

Some would say that it is too rash, to unadvised, to sudden, but not for the rush in my heart would I heed their warnings. It pains me to do so, but do so I must. It is my obligation to him and to us, that I find the courage inside of myself to end this dreadful charade. I do not know when it will come and I do not know what will become of it, but know this, sweet Romeo of mine: my promise be made, but my heart is thine.

3. In An Autumn So Bleak

In An Autumn So Bleak - Ron

O what a happy morning it is that I should wake so late. Open the hangings and let in the light. Arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon! So beautiful is the sight to my still weary eyes. The bright sun doth hang high in the morning sky, rivaled by naught but a band of clouds, however ominous they may be. It is a shame to see such beauty be marred by that which has gone overlooked.

A sigh escapes my lips and I am reminded of you. Everyday I count my blessings that I would be so lucky as to have gotten a happy chance to see Heaven up close, as that is what I see when I look upon your face. You may think me mad, but I speak the fair truth in all I say. I have loved you always and do continue to this very day.

I shall clothe myself quick and be out to find you. Why you did not wake me I know not, but find out I will. Where are you, my fair Hermione? Where can I find you this morning late? Follow the sound of your voice I say, and hear it I do, if but a little too far to grasp. And there you are I see, just as beautiful as you could ever be. You sit with he that knows us best and you are happy, as it is writ upon your face. It is amidst hallowed mirth that you notice my presence and turn to bid me good morning with a kiss so sweet. A hollow gesture it seems to me, but I let this ill feeling pass as quickly as it came to be.

And thus began a downward spiral to end all ends and that which has began to wither away at my insides. I pretend not to notice what is happening and you are none the wiser. But happen it does all the same.

A stolen look here, a confusing remark there. Everything that was once for me, save your touch alone, seems like it is no longer mine. Your eyes, those sweet brown pools that I so love to swim through, have since left me for him. Do you think I don't see it? Do you think I don't notice all the pieces, just now as they have begun to fit? I see it all and it terrifies me beyond reason.

It is a gradual thing to witness and it has taken much time. But witness it I do and more so with each passing day. Week by week and month by month we grow farther apart, yet you say nothing has changed all the same. I know the truth, but still I keep silent. I keep my silence and bide my time, praying for a change, praying for things to go back to the way they once were. For now I will let time run its course, but as I do so, the dying leaves once bright, begin to fall from the tree of happiness.

And I find myself wondering why it is that you would drift away from me so. Why? Have I not fulfilled you? Have I not given you something you need? Have I not filled the space in your heart that you said was meant for me? Why? Did I do something wrong? Did I do something so right that I scared you away from me? No, that doesn't make any sense. I am so confused, but then I have been so for some time now. I still want to know the truth. Won't you just tell me why? Won't you just tell me why you are hurting me so?

But these days your words are barely reserved for me anymore. I can count the times my name rolls across your tongue, rather than lose count, as it oft was. It should not be this way. I should not have to stand back and watch all the puzzle pieces fall into place. I should not have to stand beside while my best friend walks by with my love on his arm and do nothing to stop it. Yet I do. I do nothing but sit in idle confusion, dumbfounded by the actions of those around me. I do nothing. I have done nothing. Then why, my love, do I have to suffer?

One more day, I pray, till this is done. But still my troubles rise with the morning sun. Angels weep for me through the morning's birth and the raven sings of his everlasting mirth. A final leaf falls from the tree, stripped bare by time. Dead limbs like bony fingers, reaching out to grasp what's mine. Autumn winds carry on as the sky turns to steel. A chill fills the air around and I all but forget to feel.

It's so cold now, yet even as the sun hangs high in the sky. It no longer holds any warmth for me. Not so long as you are with him, that which I can bear no longer to see. A great squall awaits offshore; limbs crumble like ash. False securities in reverence; rage does the tempest so lash. I don't know how much more I can take of this before I am no more. Little by little I fade to nothing without you. I need you by my side to be alive. And every second that I find you absent I am but buried a fraction deeper in the grave that you have dug for me.

Why did you have to do this me? Why did you both have to do this to me? What is it that I ever did to deserve pain like this? We were once so close and now could not be farther apart. Why? What did I do to deserve this pain? It seems that these violent delights have violent ends.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to see the girl, nay, the woman that you love look at your best friend in the same way that you remember her looking at you? They look so happy together, like we always used to. Amidst my sorrow, they live on in eternal bliss. Every time they kiss it is like a dagger to my already crumbled heart. It is an eternal paradox, that I should covet what pains me so.

But what can I do about it? What is one supposed to do when his friends fall in love? Is there a set of guidelines to abide by? Is there a certain etiquette to uphold? And if there be, why should I follow it? It is my heart that tells me to forgive, but it is the rest of me that screams to be heard; that cries “I will not forgive you for what you have done!”

I should have seen it coming. All of the ill-fated signs were there right from the start. The way you were always so comfortable around each other. Helping each other, praising each other. You hardly ever fought and when you did, it was almost always about me. Why didn't I see it coming?

The way he attacked a seven-foot tall cave troll when you were in trouble. The way he held your hand in the hospital ward when you were petrified. The way I saw him cry for you, even when he didn't think I could see. Whenever he was in trouble, you were always the first person by his side. Always thinking about him, always being there for him. Always. Why is it that I didn't see it before? The trouble that it would have saved me; the pain that I could have avoided. They save that it is better to have loved and lost than never have loved at all. I would like to see them try it.

Sometimes I feel so alone; so agonizingly alone. I'm so tired of being here; suppressed by all of my childish fears. And if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave, because your presence still lingers here in my heart, and it wont leave me alone. These wounds won't seem to heal. This pain is just too real. There's just too much that time cannot erase. Invisible to your eyes - I'm just a dull shade among these worthless lives. I am trapped in an endless autumn so bleak and nowhere can I find the solace that I seek.

Lost in this world of nothingness and I can't find my way out. Dark labyrinth of confusion - I am forever cloaked in doubt. Emptiness engulfs a world once bright. Essence of life gone and there is no end in sight. Flakes begin to fill the night gloom and the world is in bereavement. All life collapsed in upon itself. Lifeless soul masked as the skies wept. It is the end of all eternity for this weary spirit. I go now too - I can no longer endear it.

If you knew her, you would know exactly how I feel. You would know exactly why I spend my days behind a veil of normality and my nights lost in worlds of perfection that now exist only in my memories long forgotten. You would know how I ache. You would know how much it hurts to love someone that you know does not love you back. You would know how heartbreaking it is to see your best friend hold the girl of your dreams in his arms. If you knew her, you would know exactly how I feel.