The Talk, Innuendo Side Style

Anazecria

Rating: PG13
Genres: Humor
Relationships: Harry & Hermione
Book: Harry & Hermione, Books 1 - 5
Published: 15/12/2003
Last Updated: 15/12/2003
Status: completed

At Portkey, I threatened to write this. Sandra dared me to. So here it is.

Chapters

1. untitled

1. untitled

With great trepidation, Harry entered Dumbledore’s office, still wondering why he was summoned here, and still having the feeling that whatever he was doing here, it was bound to be bad.

He looked around. Everything looked normal in here. The portraits were feigning sleep, everything in the glass cabinets was safely locked away, and Fawkes was sitting on his perch as always.

What was different, however, was that Dumbledore wasn’t here. Normally Harry would have supposed that he had to wait for him to arrive, except that there was someone else in the room. He couldn’t see who it was, the woman had her back to him, and was looking out the window at the Quidditch pitch. But Harry felt something very familiar about her, and when she turned around, he gasped.

‘You!’

She smiled at him.

‘Me,’ she answered.

‘I met you in a Drabble. You told me to call you Divine,’ Harry glared at her.

‘Indeed I did. I’m a friend of Dumbledore’s. He wanted me to have a word with you.’

Harry continued to glare at her. ‘I can’t believe someone like you would be friends with Dumbledore. And I’m not calling you Divine,’ he replied shortly.

‘Oh, I believe he mentioned me to you in another Drabble, but he’s knows me as Nielle, if you must insist on not calling me Divine,’ Nielle pouted.

‘You’re Nielle?’

‘Yes, well, my full name is Nielle’s Innuendo Side, but that’s a bit long-winded, and I am the dominant personality, so just Nielle is fine.’

‘Whatever,’ Harry muttered. Still glaring, he said ‘You’re the one who has a thing for sticking me in broom cupboards.’

Nielle’s eyes flickered.

‘I resent that! First off, you and Hermione started it! And second, I’m not the only one who wants to stick you in a broom cupboard! Third, one day, you might not mind so much! Speaking of which, that’s what I’m here for.’

‘Fine. Can we get this over with? I want to get the hell away from you as quickly as possible. What did Dumbledore want you to tell me?’

Nielle then proceeded to get haughty. ‘And Mrs Weasley said you were polite!’ She took a deep breath. ‘This is not my area normally, by the time I get to you, you’re supposed to already know this stuff. But apparently, anyone who would be appropriate to discuss this with you is either dead or just plain refuses to do it. I suggested Lupin should do this, but Jack’s convinced Lupin has no personal experience in this area, and I’m going to correct that this afternoon after I leave here. So Dumbledore has asked me to do this.’

‘What are you on about? Do you know something about Voldemort?’

Nielle sighed. ‘Harry, not everything is about Voldemort. For once this is something to do with a normal, if earth shattering experience.’

Harry might have had a distinct dislike for Nielle, but she did say Voldemort. Unfortunately this had caused Harry to momentarily let down his guard.

‘OK, so what is this experience?’

But Nielle just replied with another question.

‘Enjoy that Playwizard, Harry?’

Harry was not sure in which order he did these things, but his various reactions were to blush profusely, drop his jaw in shock, widen his eyes with incredulity, and to finally collapse in a heap in the chair opposite Nielle. How did she know about the Playwizard? He hadn’t even told Ron about it, and the effort that day to maintain control of himself in Potions afterwards was the most torturous experience of his life. Not to mention the looks Hermione had been giving him. Wait a minute, Nielle knew about the Playwizard.

‘You sent me the Playwizard?’ he hissed at her.

‘Judging by your initial reaction, you didn’t mind too much.’

‘It was disgusting,’ Harry lied.

‘So why didn’t you hand it in to a member of staff?’ Nielle asked.

‘I threw it away,’ Harry lied again.

‘Then how did it find its way under your mattress? Strange place to keep a dustbin, Harry,’ she countered.

Harry gaped at her. Then he blushed again.

‘I’m friends with some of the house-elves, too,’ she explained, chuckling. ‘Oh, Harry, you are gonna be redder than a tomato when I’m through with you!’

Harry cleared his throat and tugged at his collar, refusing to look at Nielle.

‘Dumbledore would never tell you to send me that … he just – he just wouldn’t,’ Harry tried to convince himself. Dumbledore had done some strange things, but to have someone send him a Playwizard? To say the idea disturbed Harry was an understatement.

‘Well, no, he didn’t exactly, but he is aware of how I do things. I sent that to you before we would speak hoping you’d get the idea and make this a whole lot easier for me. But you are more naïve than I expected.’

Harry’s brow furrowed. He looked up.

‘What idea?’

Nielle sighed. Then she smirked.

‘I’m here to explain to you how your wand works and how to use it, Harry,’ she said with some amusement.

‘I’ve been studying that in lessons for four years, I think I’m perfectly aware of how to use my wand,’ said a bewildered Harry.

Nielle grinned and bit her lip. She appeared to be struggling not to laugh.

‘Your other wand, Harry,’ she raised an eyebrow at him.

‘Other wa—?’ Harry abruptly realised why she looked like she was trying not to laugh at him. His eyes widened.

‘OH!’ Harry shifted uncomfortably, again not looking at Nielle.

‘I take it you get my meaning now, or do I have to get out my diagrams and pointer?’ Nielle queried.

‘Er – no, I think I understand now, but do we really have to talk about this? I really don’t want to talk about this with you. I don’t even know you!’

‘Believe me, the feelings mutual. But there’s no one else willing to do this. On top of Dumbledore, Sandra also asked me to have a word with you about this. So, Harry, how much do you know, and what questions do you have?’

Harry remained silent. He was not going to talk about this with Nielle, he was not.

‘Very well, Harry. You might not want to discuss this with me, but can you really imagine Dumbledore talking to you about this?’

Nielle had never seen a human being’s face turn from red to green so fast. Harry was like a walking light show.

‘Believe it or not Harry, I’m not here to humiliate you. If I was, the owl that delivered your Playwizard would have delivered it in something a lot less discreet than brown paper, and I would have seen to it that you had a lifetime subscription. Also, Fred and George would be sitting here talking to you, not me. But I won’t deny that I am finding this amusing.

‘Alright then. I’m not going to beat around the bush, I know how you feel about Hermione Granger –’ Harry opened his mouth to speak, but Nielle held up her hand.

‘Don’t argue with me, it’ll make this much quicker. I have heard every argument you could throw at me. I won’t believe you. I know you have feelings for her, so I’m gonna confine this talk to just the one girl, and not girls in general. There are a few things you should know about women before you try to give Hermione a ride on your broomstick.’

Once again, Harry turned that already familiar red colour.

‘First things first, the differences between boys and girls …’

Nielle spoke for quite a long time. However she frequently stopped to enjoy all of Harry’s various expressions, and the rainbow of colours his face turned along the way. She was kind enough to provide a refilling glass of pumpkin juice for all the times his throat suddenly became dry and couldn’t help but be proud when some of her comments made him choke on his juice.

Nielle had also not failed to notice that the paintings had forgotten to feign sleep ever since Nielle had first mentioned the word Playwizard. At least they had kept quiet and not attempted to give Harry advice too. Their expressions mirrored Harry’s for the most part.

When she was finally finished, Harry thought that he had never heard so many euphemisms in his life. He also doubted whether he could look at anything in quite the same way again. Wands, broomsticks, even Hermione’s Broomstick Servicing Kit would probably have connotations that would send him straight into a cold shower.

Nielle grinned at him.

‘Any questions?’

‘Two. Will I ever recover from this conversation? And how can I repay Dumbledore for putting me through this?’

‘First question, probably not. But what fun would that be? I suspect tomorrow morning you’ll be able to meet everyone’s eyes again. Second question, I’ll leave you to work something out.’

‘Any other surprises for me?’

‘Just the one. What would a lesson be without reading materials?’ said Nielle, grinning.

Nielle seemed to have understood the way Harry was looking at her, and she added, ‘no, it isn’t another Playwizard. This is better than a Playwizard,’ she said as she handed Harry a book.

Harry looked at the cover, and raised his eyebrows.

‘Remedial Potions? This isn’t funny.’

‘I thought it was. I’m taking a leaf out of Snape’s book. It’s not actually a book on Potions. It has an enchantment on it very like that map of yours. Tap it with your wand and say “I solemnly swear, I’ll be very, very good”.’

Harry stared at her, took his wand out, tapped the book and said, “I solemnly swear, I’ll be very, very good”,’ not really sure he wanted to know what would happen.

When Harry looked down at the book, his eyes were popping out of his head.

‘Kama Sutra?’

‘Wizard edition. I’m sure you realise what that means. I’ve told you what your wand is for, this book will give you some advice on how to wield it. Though the best way to learn the subtle nuances of wand movements are best learned from experience, you don’t want to go in blind. When you’re done reading it, just say, “Satisfaction managed” and it will return to being a Potions book,’ she said this as if they were chatting over tea about the weather, not at all like she was preparing Harry for late-night encounters.

Harry quickly restored the book to a Potions textbook.

‘You know I’m not going to read this, right?’ Harry told her.

‘Just like you had no interest in the Playwizard,’ Nielle smirked at him.

Harry blushed yet again.

‘Harry you keep blushing like you have today Hermione will think you’ve run a fever. Actually that may be a good thing, Hermione would play nurse. Oh, come on Harry, don’t look at me like that, at the very least, reading that in History of Magic will certainly pass the time quicker.’

‘Anything else I should know?’

‘Just don’t rush into anything. If you have any more questions, I’m only an owl away.’

Harry got up to leave, carrying what looked like an innocent Potions book. But when he got to the door, he turned around. Nielle was surprised to see him smiling.

‘Nielle? About that lifetime subscription …’