The Pain That I Feel by PhoenixPrincess

Rating: PG
Genres: Angst, Romance
Relationships: Harry & Hermione
Book: Harry & Hermione, Books 1 - 5
Published: 23/12/2003
Last Updated: 03/08/2004
Status: In Progress

Not your typical love story. Hermione muses about Harry and her love for him.




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The Pain That I Feel

Not your typical love story.

A/N This was inspired by 2 things, Real life and the experiences that someone (she shall remain
nameless) is going through, and a summery that I read. It said and I quote "She can't
eat.. she can't sleep.. could it be love?" (Love's emotions by sunshinebelle at
portkey.org) Now before I get people to hate me I wanna say something. I did not read the story and
I have nothing against that author. They just gave me the inspiration for this. One last thing. I
realize that Hermione is a little OOC in this. That’s because I'm writing it more like it's
me saying it. Sorry. That’s my one flaw. It's hard for me to get into the characters heads.
Forgive me.

Disclaimer: All characters and spells you recognize are JK Rowlings. The plot is mine, and the
inspiration belongs to Sunshinebelle.

(This chapter in Hermione's point of view.)

Oh God I love his hair.

It's strange how I feel. We're the best of friends and sometime it's just so...hard to
be just that. Especially when he talks about his new muggle friends that happen to have a wizard
for a stepfather and can contact him by owl whenever. It just hurts sometimes. and what's worse
is that he knows.

He's known for ages now.

Since Ginny opened her big mouth.

Now I have to go around acting like it's all OK. That I don't care that he doesn't show
anything other than friendship to me. And then sometimes it seems like more. But then that's
gone and it's back to being same old Harry. Talking about Cindy and 'Apples'...who the
hell names their child 'Apples'?

ANYWAY...

Sometimes he's sweet, it's almost like we're flirting with each other. Playful banter
and such. I could just hug him and never let him go. Then it's like he realizes that he's
being that way and *pop* back to the same old same old.

Ron's not helping matters any.

During lunch he always makes smart ass comments. Once he told me that Harry wanted to take me to
Hogsmead. Of course I knew that wasn't true and I let it go. But when someone keeps on about
'you two should go out' or 'you'd be such a great couple' it gets to be too
much.

Sometimes I think that it's time for me to say something. I just wanna scream "I love you
dumb ass! Now is anything going to happen or can I move on?" but for once in my life I find
myself at a loss for words. It seems as if I would be tempting fate to do that.

Is so heartbreaking when he's depressed. He has that perpetual frown going on and it kinda
scares me sometimes. When he's like this no one can get to him but me. I've always wondered
why. Someone once told me that if he does this just keep it up and let him talk to me. And by God I
do. Once he even told me he was contemplating suicide. I told him that that was no way to solve
anything. And he said that it would solve one thing. The pain he had inside.

Well, he obviously doesn't know about the pain that I feel . The thinking that no one wants me.
I'd be good for no one. All I want is for him to give it a try. Just one little try is all
I'm asking for. Then if it doesn't work I won't make it hard for him. We'll go back
to the way we are now. Obviously if I can cope with this I can cope with having an ex as a best
friend.

What bothers me most is when I know that he knows I like him but he acts so oblivious to it that it
hurts me more then it would if he told me that he didn't feel that way.

For the longest time I denied that I was in love. This is not how it is in the books. I'm
supposed to lose the ability to talk when he walks into the room. I'm not supposed to look at
any other guy and think "Hottie!", I'm supposed to lose sleep over him and not be
able to eat at all. I should be breathless when he's near and cry when I see him with some
other girl even if I know that nothings going on.

That's not how I am at all.

I still make smart ass comments to him. I'll be the first to admit that the exchange student
from America is a total hot ass, I sleep and eat fine. I get angry when I see him with someone else
but I realize that that's life and I can't do anything about it.

Then I realized something...

This is what real love is like.

I laugh at his sometimes stupid jokes, I'm hear when he needs to talk even if it's about
his current girlfriend, and he makes me smile just being with him. I rather see him happy with
someone else then miserable with me. Ron once said something that rang really true. It was just
after Harry had one of his plans for his perfect life. Ron said, "In all honestly, kidding
aside, you guys would make a good couple because you, Hermione, are the only one that ever listens
to all that junk he says." Harry even said that was true, then went back to normal.

I don't know what will happen between me and Harry in the distant future. But I do know that no
matter if we're together or apart I'll be there for him in one way or another.

This is not a typical love story

because this is not a typical love

It's true love, unfailing and complete.

A/N. Sorry if it seems a little confusing but it's kinda supposed to be that way. That's
how she feels confused and trying to get all her thoughts going the same way. Their might be
another chapter but I'm not sure so don't really expect it.

PhoenixPrincess