The Angst of Hermione Granger

Katz Potter

Rating: PG13
Genres: Angst, Romance
Relationships: Harry & Hermione
Book: Harry & Hermione, Books 1 - 4
Published: 20/01/2003
Last Updated: 20/01/2003
Status: paused

Hermione, out of sheer depression and deprivation of love, attempts suicide. Does Harry save her? Does Harry love her? Read to find out! Rated PG-13 for cursing.

Chapters

1. The Attempt

2. The Rescue

3. The Kiss

1. The Attempt

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Chapter 1: The Attempt

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Hermione Granger sighed and set down her quill, finished. She had spent most of the night on this. She quickly made a copy of her document and then lay her wand on her bedside table, along with the locket Harry had given her for Christmas. She rolled up the two lengths of parchment and set them on her bedside table as well. Then she changed into her favorite dress, a sky blue and yellow striped one. She went to bed.

~~~The Next Morning~~~

Hermione woke up feeling gloomy. She knew what she was going to do. Now she just had to do it. She stood up and picked up the two rolls of parchment. Sighing, she brushed her hair out and and took a final look at the picture of Harry on her beside table. Slowly, she picked it up and kissed it.

"I love you Harry," she whispered, setting the picture down and walking out of the dorm.

As she walked through the Common Room, she purposely dropped one of the rolls of parchment on a table. Then she headed over to the portrait hole, walking past Harry and Ron without a glance.

"Hey, Herm, where're you going?" Harry asked.

"Nowhere. Just a walk," she replied casually.

"Can I come with?"

"No!" She snapped this unexpectedly, and immediately regretted her tone. "I need to be alone," she added quickly, fleeing. She walked through the silent halls down to the Entrance Hall, where she pinned up the second roll of parchment to the bulletin board. Then, just as she was about to walk out, someone spoke.

"Hello, Granger." She whipped around.

"What do you want, Malfoy?"

"I want to know why you're so dressed up today, Mudblood," Malfoy replied, sneering.

"Go shove it up your ass," Hermione replied, turning.

"Excuse me?"

"I said, go shove it up your damn ass!"

"Why, you little...." He started toward her, most likely to slap her or some other form of torture. She immediately ran outside. Surprisingly, he didn't follow her.

'Thank God', she thought as she ran to the edge of the forest. She began to walk slowly along it, heading for the lake.

###In the Common Room###

"What's with her?" Harry asked.

Ron shrugged. Suddenly, he noticed the roll of parchment on the table next to theirs. "Hey, what's this?" he asked, picking it up and opening it. He read it through, becoming paler and paler as he read on. Finally, he set it on the table and turned it towards Harry.

"You might want to read this, Harry." Harry picked it up and began to read:

To Whom It May Concern:

I guess you could call this the story of my life so far. I'm writing this for no actual purpose, so to speak. Except for one small reason that shall be revealed at the end of this letter.

I was born in York, England, on September 19, 1980. I had a happy childhood. I was a very avid reader, and had read all the books my parents had bought me at least twice before the age of ten.

At school, I was praised by my teachers and some of the older students as well. However, the students in my grade did not like me much because I always got the best grades and had the answer to any question the teacher asked. They always teased me about my bushy hair, which has tamed quite a bit since then. But at least once a week, I would come home crying because somebody had been teasing me. My parents did the best they could, but even they could not put a stop to the teasing.

Then I got my letter from Hogwarts. When I first read it, I could not believe my eyes. A witch! Me! Someone like me, who has been teased all her life, could think of no better way to get revenge on the teasers. I could curse them all to tiny bits. Then I remembered that revenge was not the right thing.

I got all my books and supplies within days of getting the letter. As usual, I read all my books immediately.

On the train, I met two boys, a dark haired one and a red haired one. I started babbling on about all the spells I had learned. Then I realized they were looking rather uncomfortable, so I cut off and hastily introduced myself. The dark haired boy introduced himself as Harry Potter. I immediately told him I had read all about him. The red haired boy introduced himself as Ron Weasley.

Little did I know that they would become my friends later on.

One night, I caught Harry and Ron sneaking out. I, of course, followed them to ensure they did not get into trouble. That ended up with me almost being eaten by a three headed dog named Fluffy. I did not speak to Ron or Harry from then on.

Then came Halloween. As we left Charms class that afternoon, I heard Ron call me a... something. I can't really remember, but I know it made me start crying. I rushed to the nearest bathroom. I was still in there when a gigantic mountain troll lumbered in and started thrashing about. I, of course, screamed. Then Harry and Ron came to my rescue. They battled the mountain troll courageously, but would have lost House points had it not been for me. From then on, we were friends.

I have always felt a love for Harry and Ron. It was the love that all best friends have for each other. But over the years, I have begun to feel something more for Harry, something deeper than the love of friendship. I didn't know what it was.

That is, until the beginning of June, 1997. It was then that I realized that the something more, something deeper was love. Real love. I realized what I loved him for, too. I loved him not for his scar and popularity, but for his caring, generosity, kindness, and that all too sweet look that he has when he's confused or feeling lost, like a little boy. I even love him for that stupid, headstrong stubbornness of his. Though he does rush into things without thinking it through first, he always got through it. Of course, usually I was there to save his bum when he couldn't.

I love him for his tender hugs, those soft kisses on the cheek and forehead when he thinks I'm asleep. I love him for the way that whenever I fall asleep in the Common Room reading a book, he'll always mark my place, carry me over to a couch, lay me down, and conjure up a pillow and blanket for me. I love him for his presence beside me on the Gryffindor balcony when I can't sleep, those random chocolate frogs, and the way I know I can count on him to be there for me and support me. I love him for the way his face lights up when he's happy, the way his eyes twinkle when he's up to no good, and the way he laughs, sweet yet rough, deep yet shallow.

I love him for his knowledge that he can count on me to be there for him, whenever, wherever. I love him for the way he has matured over the past three years, ever since Voldemort came back, but is still as mischievious as ever. I love him for the way he protects me and stands up for me whenever Malfoy insults me. And last, I love him for his good looks, the rugged face, the muscular torso... and the legs that could take him anywhere within twenty miles without getting tired. I love those deep, emerald green eyes of his, and his ever so unruly hair that sticks up in the back and is in terrible need of a trim.

But he doesn't love me. I have watched him closely to see if he feels the same way for me as I do for him. Sadly, all he feels is the love of friendship. I have tried to get something out of Ron, but he refuses to speak except to tease me about loving Harry.

I have suffered much angst and heartbreak because of this. But I refuse to take it any longer. I have suffered enough. Enough to make my decision. I am leaving. And so, I say my farewells.

Good-bye, Harry. Remember, I always did and always will love you with all my heart. You'll find the locket you gave me on my bedside table beside my wand.

Good-bye, Ron. You were a great friend, even if all we ever did was argue. I knew I could trust you.

Good-bye, Mum and Dad. You were the best parents anyone could ever have. I love you.

Good-bye, Mr. and Mrs. Weasley and family. I thank you for your hospitality. I always had a good time at the Burrow.

Good-bye, Professors. You will find all of my homework in my bag. I always loved Hogwarts and always will.

Good-bye, Malfoy. Even though you insulted me the whole time I knew you, this filthy little Mudblood knows that deep down inside, you're really a good guy.

Good-bye, Hogwarts students. I hope you enjoyed the company of your Head Girl while it lasted.

Good-bye, Sirius. May you keep on being the best godfather you can to Harry. I trust that you will keep him safe now that I am no longer around.

Good-bye, Remus. You were one of the best DADA teachers I have ever had. Keep Harry, Ron and Sirius out of trouble for me, will you?

Good-bye, Hagrid. You always were a true friend. Remember not to breed any more Blast-Ended Skrewts.

Good-bye, cruel world. I had some good times in my life, but they have all disappeared now that I love but am not loved. I shall miss all of your inhabitants, even Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle.

You shall find my body lying at the bottom of the lake, with many a broken bone from my fall into the water from the steep cliff on the side of the lake farthest from the castle. I pray that you give me a proper funeral and burial, with my wand and a copy of Hogwarts: A History lying in my coffin alongside me. I wish thay you bury me in my best dress robes, which are lying upon my bed. I pray that my flowers be lilies and roses and that you do not cry for me. I am only a bushy-haired, goody-goody Mudblood. And now, I close my letter with a final farewell and my name, written in a purple ink that I made myelf and cannot be found anywhere else in the world.

Farewell cruel world,

Hermione Elizabeth Granger

P.S. I wish my headstone to read as follows:

Here lies Hermione E. Granger,

Who died of a broken heart.

She loved but was not loved.

September 19, 1980 to March 19, 1998

Died at the age of seventeen and a half years old.

May her spirit rest in peace.

Harry set down the parchment, his head bowed. When he looked up, Ron saw his eyes shining with tears.

"We have to find her," he croaked. Ron rodded, and they raced out of the common room.

When they got to the Entance Hall, they found Malfoy standing in front of the bulletin board, his face paler than usual.

"Potter, you might want to read this," he told them, gesturing to it. Harry went over and began to read, before turning to Ron.

"It's the same thing she left in the common room," he said. "She must have made two copies." He turned to Malfoy. "Which way did she go?"

Malfoy looked at them, an annoying smirk on his face. "Why should I tell you where that filthy Mudblood went?" he asked mavolently. "It's none of my business, you're the one she loves."

Harry drew his wand out and pointed it at him. "Tell me where she went, or I'll hex you to pieces." His voice was dripping with venom.

"All right, all right. She went out by the lake, after she cussed at me."

Harry looked surprised. "Hermione? She cussed at you?" Malfoy nodded.

"Well, she probably had a good reason, you know he's a smarmy git," Ron said.

"But Hermione hardly ever cusses. Unlike you, Ron."

"Still...."

"Oh, shut up! I'm going after her."

"I'm coming with you."

"No you aren't. I'm going alone. She loves me, so I'm the one who should go after her."

Ron sighed. "All right. Good luck, mate. I'll go tell Dumbledore."

"There's no need, I'm already here," said a voice behind them.

"Professor! Hermione's attempting suicide!"

Dumbledore sighed. "I know. Harry, I want you to go after her and bring her to my office immediately. Do whatever you must to bring her back alive."

Harry nodded. "I'll do my best, Professor." He started off around the lake. Suddenly, he came to the cliff. There was Hermione, standing there.

~~~Hermione~~~

She closed her eyes and raised her arms, preparing to dive. And then....

2. The Rescue

(A/n: Am sorry if it offends you, but there is a Bible verse in here.)

Hold me now,

I'm six feet

From the edge

And I'm thinking

Maybe six feet

Ain't so far down

Creed, 'One Last Breath'

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She closed her eyes and raised her arms, preparing to jump. And then....

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And then she was seized from behind and pulled away from the cliff's edge. Her captor held her by the waist, and he had a hand clamped tightly over her mouth. She began to struggle. He chuckled.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you. Bit stupid, really." Hermione recognized that voice.

"Harry?" she asked, though the question was muffled.

"Yep. How'd you know?"

"Pull your hand off my face and I'll tell you," she replied. He did so, moving it to pin her arms to her side. She smiled, though he couldn't see her. "I know because I know your voice. Honestly, don't you notice?"

"Notice what?"

"How I've listened to you so much. So much, that, after a while, I know your voice from just one word."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Now, if you'd let me go, I'd like to die now." She began wiggling.

Harry snorted. "As if. I know you like life too much. Besides, you don't even love me. That letter and this fake attempt at suicide were just a desperate attempt for attention." Hermione tried to stifle a small sob, but couldn't.

She turned and looked up at him, tears flowing down her cheeks. "Who says I don't love you?" she asked softly. She scowled up at him, saying, "You don't know me, Harry Potter. You don't know me at all. I don't know what happened to you, but over the past week, you've been acting like an ass!"

He glared down at her, a frown on his face. "You've acted like an ass this week, too, Granger, if you don't remember. You snapped at nearly all the students who talked to you, you've talked back to the teachers, and you cussed at Draco Malfoy. So don't go putting all the blame on me."

Hermione was taken aback. Harry rarely ever called her Granger. Oh, he was pissed off now.... She sniffled.

"And don't start crying on me, either. That little excuse won't work. Nor will 'it's that time of the month.' You'd better straighten up your act right now."

"Just let me go, Harry. He is calling me. He wants me to leave this flock and join his."

Harry rolled his eyes. "And just who might this 'he' be?"

Hermione looked up at the sky. "Him." She began to recite from the Holy Book.

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart,

And lean not on your own understanding;

In all your ways acknowledge him,

And He shall direct your paths.

Proverbs 3:5,6. You see, Harry, the Lord is directing my path. He is directing it toward Heaven."

"God can shove that idea up his ass for all I care," Harry said fiercely.

(A/n: Please note that I am a God-fearing person. Harry, however, is not religious. I only made him say that because it seemed typical of him in this situation. So that's why I made him say it. I sincerely hope y'all don't take this as an insult. Thank you!)

Hermione gasped. "Harry!"

"Well, he can. You're coming back with me. Whether you like it or not."

"Well, I don't, and I'm not coming with you. I'm telling you, he wants me. He is calling. I have to go."

"Well if that's the way you put it," Harry said, putting an arm around her waist. "Then all I have to say is this: Desperate times call for desperate measures." He gestured to his shoulder. "Up you go!"

She glared. "You wouldn't."

"I would, and I am." And he picked her up and threw her over his shoulder.

"Put me down! This is undignified!"

"Well, jumping off a cliff isn't very dignified either, is it?"

She sighed. "No, it isn't. Now, put me down before I hurt you."

He began to chortle. "You? Hurt me? The mere idea is laughable."

She kicked him. "Ow."

"I told you I could hurt you. Put me down."

"Nope."

She sighed. "Fine, take me. But you must take me as I am."

And so, he took her. They walked for a while, Hermione thinking about what she'd done, and why she'd done it. Then all of the sudden, she spoke.

"Harry?"

"What?"

"I'm sorry."

He stopped dead. "What?"

"I'm sorry."

He put her down, holding her at arm's length by the shoulders. "Sorry for what?"

She sighed and looked down at the ground. "Everything. I'm sorry for trying to kill myself; sorry for writing that horribly long letter; sorry for making you go to the library whenever there was trouble; and most of all, sorry for-mmph!"

No one found out what she was sorry for most of all, for Harry had just kissed her.

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Whoo! Cliffie! It sounds a lot like part of a chapter of Lily Vance's 'A Game of Chance', but I like it anyway. Nancey (my friend) likes it, too. Sorry for re-naming this chapter (and making it so short), but I really wanted a cliffie, so I ended it with Harry kissing our dear heroine. So the next chapter will be called 'The Kiss.'

Have a great time!

~Katz

P.S. There's a hidden CD title in this chapter. Can you find it? Thousand points to whoever can find it. But, the points don't matter. :p

3. The Kiss

"Everything. I'm sorry for trying to kill myself; sorry for writing that horribly long letter; sorry for making you go to the library whenever there was trouble; and most of all, sorry for-mmph!"

No one found out what she was sorry for most of all, for Harry had just kissed her.

********************************************************************************

Hermione was cut off as Harry covered her mouth with his own. She let out a soft 'mmph' as he did so. As he kissed her, she wondered why he was. After two seconds, she threw caution to the winds and kissed him back. Her hands went up encircle his neck and muss his hair. His hands began to roam up and down her back. After a moment, she felt his tongue running along her lower lip. The temptation was too much, so she opened her mouth and her tongue greeted his. They kissed this way for a few moments before Harry apparently came to his senses and pulled away. Hermione looked at him, confused, panting for breath.

"Why did you do that?" she asked softly. He just looked down at his shoes and shook his head. "Harry, why did you kiss me?" she repeated.

"I don't know. It was an impulse."

"What do you mean, an impulse?"

"Well, you were talking, and all of the sudden, this little voice in my head said, 'kiss her', so I kissed you."

"Gee, and for a minute there I thought you loved me too," she murmured softly, looking down at the ground.

Harry was quiet. "Don't let it get you down," he said. "Come on, I have to pick you up again."

Hermione sighed. "All right." She stepped up to him, and he lifted her up and slung her over his shoulder.

"So you don't love me?" she asked.

"I didn't say that. I said I only kissed you because it was an impulse."

"Right. In other words, you only kissed me to shut me up, or cheer me up, but you don't actually love me."

"Are you being difficult on purpose?"

"Maybe, maybe not. You can't tell from that angle."

"Hermione!"

"What?"

"You are being difficult!"

"Am I? I didn't notice."

Harry rolled his eyes, but Hermione didn't see him.

"All right, change of subject. Herm, you've been getting thinner over the year. Is it because of me, or is it because of Head Girl duties and N.E.W.T.s?"

Hermione sighed. "I thought you wouldn't notice. I've been getting thinner to--to make you like me."

"Oh, Hermione. I do like you. But I don't like it when you starve yourself."

"So you like me fat?"

"You weren't fat! You had a beautiful figure."

"So I suppose now you're going to make me eat something."

"You bet. As soon as we get to the castle, I'm marching you into the Great Hall and making you eat something."

"Well, the least you could do for my dignity is let me down before we go in and just hold my arm."

"I suppose I could do that."

"Thank you so much, Harry."

They talked this way until they reached the steps leading to the Entrance Hall. At this point, Harry set her down on his right, and took hold of her upper arm. They walked into the castle and into the Great Hall. Practically the whole school was there waiting for them, especially Ron. When they walked in, his grin went all the way to his ears.

"Look everybody," he called. "The Head Boy saved the Head Girl!" There were cheers all around. Hermione and Harry went scarlet.

"Turn him into a newt," Hermione muttered to Harry. "Please." Harry shook his head and led her over to the Gryffindor table, where they each grabbed a napkin and some sandwiches. Hermione took three, and Harry took seven. After seeing how many she had taken, he added two more to her stack. She glared at him. He raised his eyebrows. She sighed. "Okay, let's get out of here." Harry nodded and led her out of the Great Hall.

"I'm just going to hold your arm on the way to Dumbledore's office, okay? I don't want to have to carry you up all those stairs."

"It's perfectly fine with me," Hermione said, biting into a sandwich.

And so, they walked up to Dumbledore's office. Upon arriving in front of the gargoyle, Harry finished off his last sandwich and said, "Bright blue donkeys."

The gargoyle came to life and jumped aside. They walked up to the office and knocked on the door.

"Come in, Mr. Potter," called a voice. They entered. Dumbledore sat behind his desk, reading a long scroll of parchment. He looked up, setting the parchment down. "I see you saved her," he said with a smile. Harry nodded. "If I may have a word with Miss Granger alone?"

"Of course, Professor," Harry said, exiting the room.

"Have a seat, Hermione." Hermione sat down in one of the chairs. "Now, may I ask what prompted you to attempt suicide?"

"I'm in love with Harry, sir."

"And?"

"And he doesn't love me back. I was so distressed about it, it led me to suicide. I could not bear to live and watch him date other girls."

"Miss Granger, this is most unlike you."

Hermione smiled dreamily. "Sometimes love makes us do the craziest things."

"I've been thinking about making precautionary measures....” Dumbledore trailed off.

"Precautionary measures for what, sir?"

"To make sure you do not attempt what you just attempted again. From now on, you will be under Harry's eye 24/7. I will have the house elves move your bed and wardrobe into Harry's room. Your room will become sort of a sitting room. You will both share the same bathroom."

"Sir, don't you think this is a bit harsh?"

"Not at all, Miss Granger. Please tell Harry to come back in."

She did so, and waited while Dumbledore explained the new procedures to him. Then Dumbledore handed them each a watch, though they both were different. Hermione's was simply a timepiece. Harry's, however, was a timepiece and a monitor. If he pressed the little button on the side, words flashed across the screen: Hermione is sitting in Professor Dumbledore's office. She is feeling somewhat depressed, yet content.

"Harry, since you are now Hermione's 'personal bodyguard', you must know what she is doing at all times. The background color of the watch will tell you if she is in any danger. Blue means she is perfectly safe, green is a little trouble, yellow is normal, such as an encounter with Mr. Malfoy, orange is semi-dangerous, and red is lethal, or life-endangering."

Harry nodded. "So I just look at it, and then I can press the button to see what's wrong."

"Exactly. Now, if you'd like, you can leave, unless you'd like to talk more about this."

Hermione shook her head. "No thank you, sir." They rose.

"Have a nice rest of the day."

"Of course, sir," replied Harry. They left.

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