Aeternus Caritas by Lisa Oceans Potter Rating: PG13 Genres: Drama, Romance Relationships: Harry & Hermione Book: Harry & Hermione, Books 1 - 5 Published: 29/01/2004 Last Updated: 29/01/2004 Status: Completed What would you do, when everything you love is taken away from you? Would you accept it or go after it? 1. Aeternus Caritas ------------------- **Disclaimer:** I don't own a thing and the lyric belongs to Nickelback 'Someday'. **Summary:** What would you do, when everything you love is taken away from you? Would you accept it or go after it? **Note:** Since today is my B-day, I decided to come here and give you this gift. Hope you like it! **Aeternus Caritas** I know this would be the end. I know it and, inexplicably, I'm happy. I'm happy because this means all the pain will stop, because this means the tears will stop...because this means I'll be with him, soon. I don't know if the tears that are still falling are from grief or from happiness. It's strange, but I feel like this is the opportunity not for the end, but for the beginning. A beginning full of love; love... my life has always been full of that, until the nightmare came true and I saw the person I always loved disappear between a pair of wooden doors. It had been then...when I noticed how pure my feeling was... I never had the chance to prove my words...to prove my feelings but, maybe, this is it. Maybe now I can show everything I feel. Maybe now, I can finally rest with the one I love. I can hear my friends a few yards from where I stand, calling for me...calling for me to get out but I can't...I can't move...this is my choice, this is the time I have to choose between a life full of darkness and a life full of love. I have made my choice, and my choice I will stick by. Closing my eyes, I picture what will end all the pain, before picturing my love and then, everything goes black. ~*~ Flashback ~*~ I was sitting close to my friends, praying for everything to be ok, when a soft noise made me look up to see an old friend. Albus Dumbledore, the wise Headmaster, whose beard and hair were as white as snow and his blue eyes were as sad as a rainy day. He was standing quietly in front of his ex-students. I didn't understood the reason for such sadness in his eyes...I couldn't understand why such feeling was raising at an incredible speed inside him, finally breaking in a single tear when his eyes fell on me. Then I understood, but it couldn't be. He had promised, he had promised everything would end up well and that, after everything was gone, we would be able to live our lives, together. That had been the real reason why I had agreed to go to that place...that had been the real reason why I had chosen to get away from the war...but now, everything didn't made sense. He wasn't there, he hadn't kept his promise. Then, his voice appeared in my mind, right after I had closed my eyes, to stop the tears from cascading down my cheeks. *'You know I may not return. But you also know that, even not being in flesh and bone, I'll always watch out for you. You know that, right? You know I'll forever love you and protect you.'* I knew it...Merlin, I knew it, but my heart didn't let me believe in those words...not after what I had seen. "I'm sorry..." an old voice started and I opened my eyes, to face the same old man. "No..." I whispered, shaking my head in utter disbelief. "No..." "I'm so sorry..." Dumbledore began, but I couldn't hear him. All I could heard was my heart cracking, all I could feel was my own tears falling down my cheeks...all I could do was notice how my soul was getting dark. "I wish could have done something, but I failed. I failed you and..." "No!" I yelled, getting up from my chair. All my friends were around me, crying softly, but their eyes were trained on me. I couldn't look at them...all I could see was a blur and all I could taste was my own tears. "I hate you!" I screamed at him. The hate was so much I could taste it in my mouth. "You let him go! You let him go and kill himself!" "I know that, but you also know it was his choice...He chose his destiny and he did it." "He did what you wanted him to do. What about him? You knew he would never say 'no'! You knew how he hated to be himself! You knew he would never come back, and you let us keep hoping he would! I hate you!" Just like I couldn't stop my tears from falling, I couldn't stop myself from running from that place...everything there smelled like him...every corner of that place had a memory from him...everything there had his touch... I had to get out of there. While I was running towards my car, I could heard my friends calling for me...I still could imagine them running towards me, with tears in their eyes, with pity looks on their faces... I couldn't wait for them and take their pity. No, I had to get away from there and that was what I intended to do. *How the hell did we wind up like this* *Why weren't we able* *To see the signs that we missed* *And try to turn the tables* *I wish you'd unclench your fists* *And unpack your suitcase* *Lately there's been too much of this* *Dont think its too late* *Nothin's wrong* *just as long as* *you know that someday I will* Everything around me was a blur...everything around me was like death... Why should I keep living alone and in grief? This world didn't deserve a chance...I didn't wanted to give it a chance, just like I didn't wanted to give my life another chance. The world had killed the only person that had gave it hope...the world had killed the only person that loved everyone, despite of what people thought about him. Merlin...the world had killed the person that had had the worse life and never asked anything in return; nothing besides a family, friends...love. Why should I keep living, when I just lost the last person I had? The last person I loved more than my own life... This was hell...a hell full of shit, full of lies, promises never kept, of dreams that never turned real... My life had always been full of dreams...dreams, books made me have and wish for but, the only real dreams I ever had, had been taken away from me and I couldn't take it anymore. He had always been like an anchor for me, just like I knew I was one for him. It was because of him that I was always around books...it was for him, that I would always risk my life...it was for him that I lived. He didn't know, mostly because I never told him but now that rain was falling hard on the ground, I could remember well the last words and the last thing I did to him. I could still remember him, standing in front of me, with sad eyes and looking completely abandoned, though he knew I was there for him. I could still feel his smell while I hugged him, just like I could still feel his lips when I kissed him, after I said those three little words I had carried inside me for a long time. I could still remember the way he had looked; so surprised, so sad...so confused. In that same night, I thought I had made the worse mistake in my whole life but, when he told me he would come back, not only for his friends, but to the person he loved, I felt my soul scream in joy. The only mistake I made was not telling him sooner. I waited too late, and now I'm suffering the consequences. Life is unfair and it was unfair for me, at this moment, at this weak, god forsaken moment, life was nothing to me but a mere thought. He had been the one that made me agree to go to the muggle world, instead of going to the war. He had been the one that made me agreed about staying with my friends, while he risked his own life to save the world. But now...now that I know he would never fulfill his promise, I couldn't help but feel betrayed. However, as quickly as the signal turned red that feeling disappeared from inside me only to be replaced by anger. I couldn't help it. I hated everyone who had let him go, by himself, to face the one whom gave him nightmares since he was little, whom made him go through such pain impossible to put in words...I hated everyone who had stopped me from going to war, in the last second... Merlin, I hated everyone, including myself. When the signal turned green, I couldn't help but continue with my train of thoughts. I couldn't stop them from appearing in my mind. However, now, they came with painful memories and painful words that would, forever, make part of my being. I could still remember how he smiled. I could still remember how his eyes twinkled when he was happy. I could still remember the smile he gave me, seconds later after I said my last words to him. Those were painful memories...memories I wanted to forget, but, I couldn't...those were memories that would stay forever inside my heart and forever embedded in my soul. *Someday, somehow* *gonna make it all right but not right now* *I know you're wondering when* *(You're the only one who knows that)* *Someday, somehow* *gonna make it allright but not right now* *I know you're wondering when* *Well i hoped that since we're here anyway* *We could end up saying* *Things we've always needed to say* *So we could end up stringing* *Now the story's played out like this* *Just like a paperback novel* *Lets rewrite an ending that fits* *Instead of a hollywood horror* Maybe I was acting selfish; maybe I was acting like a complete bitch, but I didn't care. If someone came to me and asked what I wanted, I would say I wanted him. That's true; all I wanted was to be in his arms, celebrating the end of the war. Everyone around the wizarding world were celebrating the end of the war, except the one person who made it happen; the one person who deserved to have drinks with his friends and bid his past goodbye, and say hello to the wonderful future that lay ahead. It's ironic. Ironic, that everyone in this world gets to enjoy the good things to come, and the one person who had to endure heartache and pain and face the worst wizard of the century by himself, never gets to have any of that. He did sacrifice the most, he gave up his most precious gift to the world, his life, and I hated everyone for it. I hated the men and women, gathered around a fire, talking about the dark times being gone; I hated all the merry people sitting in pubs or restaurants, laughing and cutting up about the fall of the dark lord. I hated them all for celebrating while I sat here in grief because the world needed to be saved, and my true love, was the only one capable of doing that . All my friends were, I know it, and I hate them right now, too. How could they? How could they be happy when he is gone....he is gone...I say it and I feel so alone. The pain stabs me from inside and I hold my stomach to keep from retching. I am alone...I don't have anyone; since my parents' deaths, all I had was him but even he was taken away from me. Merlin, this hurts so much, it hurts so god damn much. I can barely breathe. Everything seems to be constricting my throat and it takes me a few seconds to catch my breath. Giving a deep sigh, I start thinking about my friends; all of them had found happiness. I was happy for them, since they were the best people I knew, but I couldn't help but envy them. Envy? No, that's not the real word; after all, all I really wanted was to be like them. To be able to be happy beside the one I love. And if he isn't coming back to me, I know in my heart I have to go to him. I have to be with him, no matter what. There was no such thing as life without him here to share it with me…no such thing. I knew people would be sad, but this was my choice. How would I do it? I really didn't have a clue. But I also knew people would get over the grief and be happy. I already could picture little Weasleys running around a house, just like I could picture little Malfoys. Despite the tears, I couldn't help but form a very small smile while picturing Ron and Malfoy still biting their heads off, while Ginny and Lavender laughed behind them. It has always been like this. But, just like that, my smile disappeared again; I knew that I was more than capable to leave this happiness behind, only to try and go see my love. Maybe that was my destiny. I still couldn't decide... *Nothin's wrong* *just as long as* *you know that someday I will* *Someday, somehow* *gonna make it allright but not right now* *I know you're wondering when* *(You're the only one who knows that)* *Someday, somehow* *gonna make it allright but not right now* *I know you're wondering when* *(You're the only one who knows that)* I stopped my car. My friends hadn't been following me or, at least, I couldn’t see them from the mirror. Sighing, I looked at the street while rain continued to hit the windows. Even the weather was crying for the lost...even the elements could understand the pain I was feeling. But, they were the only ones. I couldn't go and talk with anyone, because I knew I would only bring memories and pain so, I had to decide. I knew he had told me to keep living, even with him gone, but now, that everything was real, I couldn't help but ask myself if I could do it; if I could continue living without him at my side. Even without telling him my feelings, before that night, I had always dreamed about marrying him and having his children. I already had the names for them but, that had only been a dream. Now that everything was real and I had to face the facts, I couldn't help but doubt about myself...about my strength... All I wanted to do was get out of my car and scream...scream and ask to the heavens why he had been taken away from me...why we didn't had the chance to live with each other. But I couldn't; my body didn't respond, and I couldn't move a single finger. All I could do was feel my tears falling. Taking a deep breath, I leaned my head against the cold window besides me, and closed my eyes. Did I wanted to keep living without him? That was the only question in my mind, and I knew I had to answer it. I knew he wanted me to live, have a job and, if I had the chance, to marry but I didn't want to. He was the only one I wanted to marry; it was with him I wanted to create a family... I knew I would never love someone else, mainly because I doubted another guy could fill the space that was only for him. My love was only for him, and no one would stop it. Not even death. After I opened my eyes, I looked at the steering-wheel and then I heard yells coming from nearby. In the mirror, I could see my friends running towards me, while others were still getting out of their cars. Dumbledore, despite of his age, was already running beside a red haired boy. I closed my eyes for a second, then shook my head and looked through the window at my side, only to see what destiny had prepared for me. *How the hell did we wind up like this* *Why weren't we able* *To see the signs that we missed* *And try to turn the tables* *Now the story's played out like this* *Just like a paperback novel* *Lets rewrite an ending that fits* *Instead of a hollywood horror* *Nothin's wrong* *just as long as* *you know that someday I will* A huge, black truck was coming right towards me and I couldn't move. It was like destiny had already chose for me and all I could do was accept it. I could heard my friends calling for me...calling for me to get out but I couldn't...I couldn't move...this was my choice and my choice only. Strangely, I didn't feel scared; I felt happy. It was hard to explain, but it was true. It's was like the truck was my salvation and my escape to go and see my love. I could see the other driver trying hard to stop the truck, but the rain made it slip through the tar and only my car could stop it. So, I didn't move. This was my choice and I was more than prepared. Closing my eyes, I pictured what would end all the pain, before picturing my love and then, everything went black. *~* End Of Flashback ~*~ *Someday, somehow* *gonna make it allright but not right now* *I know you're wondering when* *(You're the only one who knows that)* *Someday, somehow* *gonna make it allright but not right now* *I know you're wondering when* *(You're the only one who knows that)* *I know you're wondering when* *(You're the only one who knows that)* *I know you're wondering when* I feel like a feather. I don't feel a single pain on my body, but I feel like I'm flying. It's a strange but good feeling and, very slowly, I open my eyes and look around: everything around me is a blur, but I can see that I'm inside my crashed dark blue BMW, people are around me and the car and, with a quick blink, I see all my friends close to me. I'm feeling completely confused, because I notice Ron cursing pretty badly, Malfoy trying to calm a very shaken Ginny and Lavender sat on the ground, crying harder than I had ever seen her before. Dumbledore was there too, looking right at me. "I survived?" I asked but Dumbledore doesn’t answer me. Then I see a tear falling down his eyes and I get up. "Huh?" looking down, I see that I'm really up, in the middle of the car and then I raise my hands up. "What's happening?" I look to my friends and I notice how wet they are and that the rain is falling harder than before, but I also notice that, strangely, I'm not wet. "I'm dead?" I start walking towards Ron and put a hand over his shoulder, when he stops cursing only to cry for me and my love "Ron." I whisper. I have my doubts about the possibility for him to hear me, but it's then that Ron looks up: "Hermione?" he whispers, in a hoarse voice and I smile, when I understand what has happened to me. "Rest Ron," I whisper into his ear. "I'm fine." "Hermione...," Ron whispers, with tears still falling from his eyes. My heart is hurting pretty bad with the site in front of me, but I can't go back now. "Thank you, for everything you've done for me." "You're welcome," I reply, but it's then that I feel a strange presence. It was strange, but it was so familiar at the same time. I start looking around, but I can't see anyone, besides the huge crowd that was around the accident. I knew that the presence was behind the crowd, so I begin walking through it. Strangely I could go through everyone, but no one noticed me and then, just like when a strange breeze appears, taking my hair away from my eyes, I gasp when I see who's the strange presence. There he was, smiling and with his arms wide open, waiting for me to run towards him. I can't help but make a smile, before running towards his arms and hugging him as tightly as he was hugging me. "I missed you," I whisper, with tears falling down from my eyes. "I missed you, too," he whispers into my ear. I step back and look straight into his beautiful emerald-green eyes and smile. "I love you, and I'll never let you go. Did you hear me, Harry Potter?" He smiles. "I love you too," he replies. "And I'm not going to let you go either, Miss Hermione Granger." A smile grows on my face as I jump into his arms, before kissing him right on his lips. Now that I'm in Harry's arms, I'm sure I made the right choice. ~*~ **Fim** **A/N:** So, was it good? Bad? C'mon, don't let me here, dying for opinions. Will you pleeeease, review? Thank you very much, and thank you Jen for everything you've done for me.