Torn

He was always mysterious. He was always forbidden. Maybe that’s why he was so desirable in the first place but I don’t know anymore. Ever since I was born I was taught to loath his kind, his family and now I find myself torn; torn between two sides. My heart beats in two places as one. I find myself facing a decision that I cannot bare to make; my family or him. I cannot live without the other nor do I want to. I should side with my family, I know, but heart will not let me. Every time I see him, every time I feel his presence, every time we touch my body is in an inferno of ice; my pulse triples and I struggle to catch my breath. It is something I want to experience all my life.
I’m not sure how it began nor am I sure how it will end for us. But I do know that since we have been together my life has changed. I can no longer go back to the way I was. People say that your first love changes you and I know that is true. There will be no other for me. There is no other I could picture at my side, and if I said I could then I would be lying. My heart aches each time I try to figure out this plight and I know I can no longer put it off. Each day this burden forces me to think horrible things that I cannot bare to say aloud. And as I pour myself out to you, the one who has been here all along, I find my decision no more clear than when I began. I feel- I feel as if in limbo. I am trapped in this place and do not dare to cross either way. Where is my Gryffindor courage? It seems to have deserted me along with everyone else.

There are not many people I trust and it hurt me when the one I trust most broke my confidence. Ron, the brother I’ve always loved dearly, my protector, my savior. I do not know if I can ever forgive him. I’m not sure why I even told him. It just seemed to happen and I could not stop myself. I pulled him aside and told him everything. When I finished his ears were read and I saw hate his eyes; something I had never seen before. His mouth was pursed in a thin line and his cheeks were red with rage. I was waiting for an explosion of words but they never came. Instead Ron struck me. Ron had never hit me, even as a child and I looked at him with tears in my eyes and saw no remorse in his clear blue eyes. As others stared on I ran up the stairs, shocked at what had just occurred.

In a sense this brings me back to the beginning; alone. Harry had Hermione, Ron had Luna, Dean had Seamus, it seamed to me everyone had someone else. When I found him I wasn’t looking for anyone but a something. I was looking for a book to draw my mind away from reality. I wanted to indulge myself in the perfect world that I wished I lived in. As I walked the musty stacks in the farthest corner of the library I caught a glimpse of his silver hair. I remember telling myself to leave but the command never made a connection with my feet. I remember a vicious comment, a maniacal sneer and turning my back. I remember a firm grip on my arm that left a bruise and strong arms shoving me against the wall. I remember lips, soft lips upon mine- I remember watching icy eyes thaw and hands with graceful, long fingers fumbling with robe buttons. I remember as cloth fell to the floor but never once do I remember trying to escape.

The first few times I felt guilty but then I reasoned with myself that I deserved this. I, Ginny Weasley, deserved someone who cared about me, who wanted to be with me. It was more than just, you know- I can’t even bare to write it now, but it was so much more than that. Sometimes we just talked for a while and I forgot who I was, who he was. It was there that I meet the real Draco. Not the stereotypical Slytherin leader, but Draco Malfoy, the boy- no, the man that I fell in love with. It was there that we shed secrets and told stories. The stories he told me were dark, and often made me cry. At first he hesitated to console me but like a ritual, every time the tears flowed from my eyes he was there. Never once did I ever see him cry, but many times I saw smiles, real smiles.

Do you see my plight? And now that I think back on it, it seems strange that no one noticed, but I guessed that everyone was so wrapped up in their own selves to care about me. He was the only one that cared. You see how it is with me? I can never catch a break. Always the last one, the one no one ever noticed and now when someone finally notices me I have to choose between them and my family.

I love my family dearly and that is what is so hard about this. Ron has told them all and I know I will get many letters in the morning. My mother is the only one that I think will understand. Not many know but she came from a rich, pureblood family and was betrothed to marry another but she fell in love with Dad and her family disowned her. I don’t know if I could bare never seeing my family again. My mother will understand... At least I hope she will. I must decide before the post is delivered; I do not think I could make the right decision after I’ve read their letters.

So here I sit with only the stars and moon for company. The night air is a chilly but it keeps me awake. I cannot sleep before I reach my final decision. The moon looks so lonely up in the sky and it reminds me of Draco. In those nights that we talked I could tell that he never had anyone, and now I feel a pang in my heart. All this time I’ve been thinking about me. Never once have I thought about Draco. Draco has never had anyone; no mother, no father, no friends, no one. Everyone he has ever known was just there. They were never really there for him. They were just props; props to give you the illusion of normalcy.

As the wind whips by, playing with my hair, I fell as if it has whispered to me the answer I have been looking for. Draco is as much a part of me as I am a part of him. We share a bond, a tie, that binds us together no matter what. It makes no difference what life we lead or how we lead it; the bond will always be there. Call me selfish but I want to be happy and in my heart I know the only way I can be happy is with him by my side.

I fully accept the consequences of my actions, whatever they may be. All I know is that I will forever be loved and I will love him in return.


Ginny