Silence

spikesbitch

Rating: PG
Genres: Angst, Romance
Relationships: Harry & Hermione
Book: Harry & Hermione, Books 1 - 5
Published: 19/02/2004
Last Updated: 19/02/2004
Status: completed

There are times when words just aren't enough. These are the times for silence.

Chapters

1. Silence

1. Silence

Author’s Note: This is my favorite piece I’ve written. It just flowed. Its kinda dark but I love it.

This morning, it was just like all the others.

Nothing special.

Nevertheless I woke with a strange feeling of apprehension settling at the bottom of my stomach. I tried my hardest to shake that feeling, finally making mental lists of all the assignments and exams coming up. Nothing was happening soon which I hadn’t completed. In fact I was in for a slow few days.

I was set to relax.

Next I tried to push the feeling to the back of my mind, concentrating wholly on whatever I was doing, even if it was something as mundane as tying a shoelace.

It didn’t take long for me to realize that wasn’t going to work. The more I tried not to think about it, the more I thought about it.

I headed down to breakfast resigning myself to live with that annoying niggle* for at least the rest of the day. I pretty much ignored everyone when I slipped into a seat at the Gryffindor table, pulling my plate towards me. I didn’t even mumble a ‘good morning’ to my friends before burying my nose in a book. I didn’t need to look up to know that they were exchanging worried glances over my head.

That’s how it had been lately. I had retreated into myself, unwilling to talk to anyone, unwilling to share. Conversations with people were becoming less and less. There was only so much of people asking if you are okay that is handle able. After awhile it was slowly driving me insane.

The hush that quickly descended over the Great Hall was the first thing that got my attention. The second was everyone’s eyes darting from me to a point over my left shoulder.

I couldn’t help it. I had to look. Turning slowly, not sure what I would see, I don’t think I could have been more shocked. A small part of my brain registered my tumbler slipping slowly from my fingers and the soft tinkle of breaking glass that followed.

You were the last person I expected to see standing there. Looking like you had never left. Hands in your pocket: that was the only telling sign that you were nervous. I think I was the only one who could read your anxiousness. You had gotten so good at hiding your emotions.

I didn’t trust myself to speak. Not with all these people watching. I stand and move past you brushing your shoulder with mine as I go to find the door. The light contact sends a jolt of electricity through my body.

How can you still do that?

I leave you to greet my friends while I find an empty classroom to wait for you in. You will follow me when you’re finished.

I know that.

I need a couple of seconds to collect my thoughts before we talk and I know that if you don’t make a decent appearance now, a party would be organized with you as the guest of honor.

I know how much you would hate that.

So that’s how I ended up here. In a corner of a deserted classroom, knees pulled up to my chest as my mind rapidly runs through every scenario its creative enough to dream up.

I don’t look up as the door opens.

I know it’s you.

I stare at a random spot as you lean up against a desk across from me. I can feel the concern in your eyes. I don’t look at you. If I do I’ll be pulled towards those eyes. One second and I’d be drowning.

Emotions flood me. Gates I wasn’t prepared to have opened. I don’t know how to deal with them. There’s so much at stake. Of one thing I’m certain…

I can’t live without you.

That scares me. I’d always been an independent person. Never leaning on anyone, especially not a male. Then you came along.

“You okay?”

Two simple words.

For six months I’d been living in my own private hell never giving into the tears. You come back and with two simple words and six months of pent up emotion floods out. I bite my bottom lip trying to stop the tears. Now that they’ve started they are not going to stop just because I will them too.

You don’t hesitate.

Immediately you’re on the floor next to me. Pulling me into your arms letting me cry on your shoulder. You don’t need to know what’s wrong. You just need to know I’m upset. Comfort isn’t a burden for you. Not something you do because it’s expected.

I press myself into you; I don’t want to ever lose you again. Don’t know how I would handle it if I did. I’ve been slowly falling apart.

Finally my tears stop. I pull back from you. Silence descends. No words are needed at the moment. Silence is comfortable. Words lead to awkward explanations.

The silence bores you before it does me.

“Goodbye meant goodnight,” I nod slowly, not fully understanding what you meant. You’d explain if you wanted to. “Goodbye meant I wouldn’t be coming back.”

The pieces fell into place. You’re sudden departure. Only telling one person the truth. Leaving a message for me.

Silence creeps up again. You don’t seem to be ready with an explanation of where you were. Strange how your most precious matter was fixing how you left.

I’ll never forget being told you had gone. They seemed so cold. Like they didn’t know it hurt me. No one offered comfort. At least not the kind I wanted. I was so shut off.

“It’s over.” Cryptic was your forte tonight. “I won.” You don’t seem happy at that thought.

The words come out with a bitter taste.

More puzzle pieces slam together. Six months of risking your life. Taking on the biggest threat human’s knew.

I have a new respect for you.

I stare at your hands still not ready to look at your face. I marvel at what you’ve done; barely seventeen, taking on a burden too large for a grown man.

“Do you despise me because I killed a man?” You catch me off guard.

I can’t look up. Ashamed I made you think that.

“No.” The word doesn’t seem to be enough. I know nothing else to describe it. It’s the truth.

“Then why won’t you look at me?”

My head immediately snaps up. Not from your words. More surprised that you noticed. It was a mistake to look up. I see your eyes just for a second and I just have to look. I look and I’m lost.

Six months have taken their toll on you. Your eyes see things beyond comprehension.

Beyond explanation.

Searching green depths. I see hidden horrors, anguish guilt and an almost inexplicable spark. Your hardships live in your eyes but hope sprinkles throughout them.

Guilt washes over me. I’ve been here denying myself to live when you’ve been denied a life all because of your birth date.

“Don’t.” You tell me.

You don’t want guilt, you don’t want pity, and you just want to move on.

Confusion lies in the way of moving on. I never expected you back. I had confidence in you. I prepared myself for reality. I expected you to return a shell of your self. Squashed by the things you’d seen and things you’d been forced to do.

Again you outstrip my expectations, coming back more or less whole. You’re eyes telling me you are very much the same person.

I don’t ask for the story, which will come when you are ready. You don’t want to be pushed just yet. You just need the contact.

“Solitudes a reason to die.” You quote calmly leaning back into the wall, avoiding my gaze.

I stare at you. You’ve never been one to look on the cynical side of things. You always looked at the facts calmly and then no matter how bad you worked through it.

“It’s one of the reasons I’m sitting here.” You are really confusing me now. You struggle to find words. “Every time I thought of giving in,” your Adam’s apple bobs as you swallow. “Every time I thought it… You were there. Not physically of course. But I just knew I couldn’t… not without seeing you again first… not while you were still here.”

I don’t know what to say. I feel a lone tear slip down my face. I don’t bother to wipe it. I just stare at you. You don’t look at me. You don’t want to see my reaction.

I’m confused. All my feelings for you have been jumbled for the last six months. Not sure if they were those of a best friend or something more. I hid from them, scared of their power. Suppressed them, not wanting to face them just to lose you completely.

I couldn’t handle that.

You just forced them to the top, raw and undiluted, their power causing pain. How come no one told me love was this painful and the pain so close to pleasure?

There it is.

I love you.

Too much to be healthy. This had the potential to ruin us both. There is so much at stake here. Why did you force me to decide? Procrastination was comfortable.

You pushed us to the point of no return. I stay scared I’ll walk out of here now and never haven another chance. I stay, and we get caught up in something neither of us has any control over.

I stare at your profile. I see the strain lines marring your features. You’re tired, beyond exhaustion.

I couldn’t do it.

I couldn’t be logical. It would hurt too much.

For both of us.

Silently I reach out and entwine my fingers in yours. You turn and look at me, slightly surprised and obviously relieved. We both lean back into the wall not speaking.

Words were inadequate.

* ‘Niggle’ - a niggle... that feeling you get that wont go away, it niggles at you. Like thorn in your side