If Only

1. If Only

If Only

There's a place off Ocean Avenue
Where I used to sit and talk with you
We were both 16 and it felt so right
Sleeping all day, staying up all night
Staying up all night

You were my succubus. I was crazy about you even before I knew it myself and recognized it for what it was because I was so blind. Maybe I didn't want to acknowledge it. I don't know. I know you remember when we used to go to that secret library we found. It was over stacked with books. Shelves upon shelves were filled with various books, both wizard and muggle related. During our free periods, you used to read those muggle fairy tales to me. I absolutely adored the one about that girl with the long hair. Rapunzal or some sort. It reminded me of you. You have long, flowing red hair that cascades down to the small of your back in waves. It looked like a waterfall just flowing down in ethereal curls. I don't remember what attracted me to you, but that was one of the physical properties that captivated me and kept me there.

There's a place on the corner of Cherry Street
We would walk on the beach in our bare feet
We were both 18 and it felt so right
Sleeping all day, staying up all night
Staying up all night

I remember the times when I would take you to our secret place. I was in my seventh year and you were in your sixth. You were just the joy that I needed and craved in my life at the moment. My mother had just passed away due to Lucius' harsh beatings and he was locked up in Azkaban. I didn't know how to deal with the anger, frustration and my life at that point. Then you swept in with all your red hair, freckled skin glory. We would walk along the smooth crevice of the lake, letting our feet wander a bit further than the edge would allow. You closed your eyes underneath the tree that shaded out the sunlight and smiled blissfully like an ignorant child. You really were no child by any means. You were quite developed, I must confess. You were beautiful, like an Egyptian Goddess. You were so utterly untouchable, unattainable. You were just so damn perfect. We would stay out all day on weekends and sneak out of the house during the weeknights. For some reason, every time you closed your eyes, I wanted to kiss you. I wanted to hold you and run my hands through your imaginable soft tresses and inhale the fresh fragrant that is you. I don't know why and it scared me. I wasn't in control anymore.

If I could find you now things would get better
We could leave this town and run forever
Let your waves crash down on me and take me away

I feel like I've lost you completely. Sometimes I think that's the case. You might as well be and I might as well have kicked you out and put you in that position in the first place. I was an enormous prat, I know. If I could take it all back, I would. But I can't reverse what has already been done. I can't unsay what I've said, undone what I've done. I'm a blithering fool if I didn't take you for who you were, who you are. You are an amazing person, Virginia Weasley. More than I deserve, really. Don't let anyone tell you any different. You complete me. I'm a moron. A sodding moron.

There's a piece of you that's here with me
It's everywhere I go, it's everything I see
When I sleep, I dream and it gets me by
I can make believe that you're here tonight
That you're here tonight

After our separation, I used to sleep alone in my inhabitable bed and dream of you. I used to wish that you were right there next to me, your soft flesh complimenting my hard skin. I could feel the contours of your skin while my semi-erect cock lay there comfortably between our bodies. Your lithe body was so warm next to my own. I never felt like that with anyone else but you and I don't intend it to. I can still feel you rub your legs against mine like a sleeping ritual and snuggle closer to me, leaving space non-existent. Not that I was complaining. I still have the ring you gave to me as a promise. A promise to be with me for as long as you could. It was a white-gold material with an engraving on the inside that read `Promise' so no one else could see. I never had anyone give me something so meaningful and so perfect while being a bit expensive. You saved up for quite a while and worked strenuously to get it for me and I'm grateful. No one ever did so much for me. I got scared. I turned away. I hate myself.

If I could find you now things would get better
We could leave this town and run forever
I know somewhere, somehow we'll be together
Let your waves crash down on me and take me away

I've lost you to this cold world. You're in the arms of someone else. Someone that I used to call a best friend. Blaise Zabini. You really know how to pick them, Gin. You always go for the Slytherin bad boys. Or men. Which ever it would be considered now. I was so livid at you both, but I have myself to blame for that mishap. I should've never introduced you two. Blaise was charming and suave, though not quite like I was. He was the ruthless and rogue, I was the sly and clever. It worked well. If I can recall, he had raven black hair, clear complexion, piercing blue eyes and pretty muscular. I didn't think it would've been like this. In the deepest recess of my mind, I dreamt that we would one day wed and have kids. Half a dozen maybe. Some would have red hair and other would have blonde. Some would have gray eyes and others would have chocolate brown. I would've been the happiest man on earth.

I remember the look in your eyes
When I told you that this was goodbye
You were begging me not tonight
Not here, not now
We're looking up at the same night sky
And keep pretending the sun will not rise
Be together for one more night
Somewhere, somehow

You're cognac eyes were filled to the brim with unshed tears. One traitorous one slipped out. I gently swiped it away for you. You slapped my hand as if it had burnt you off of your face. Your eyes expressed every emotion you were feeling. You felt anger, resentment and hatred toward me. I really couldn't blame you. You told me that you hated me; you absolutely despised me and never wanted to see me again. You stormed off in a huff, muttering about how you wasted three years on a pig like me and how you could never get them back. I never let those kind of words get me before, but when you said them, it pierced me in the heart, wrenching deeper, twisting itself around for it's own sadistic pleasure. I never felt so much pain before and my heart couldn't accommodate it. I was breaking.

If I could find you now things would get better
We could leave this town and run forever
I know somewhere, somehow we'll be together
Let your waves crash down on me and take me away

I just wished that I could take it all back. I didn't know what I had until I lost it. If only we could run away and live a secluded life away from everyone else. If only I didn't tell you that we couldn't work out because of my own insecurities. I lied and said I didn't love you because I was scared. Well, terrified is more like it. I never felt love before and it was foreign to me. I never felt such hate radiating from such a small body like yours and lived to feel so dreadful about it. If only I could change what happened between us. But I can't. I love you. Remember me in your mind even when you're with Zabini. I'll always haunt you. I miss you, Gin. I miss you.