If one should fall

DreamWeaver

Rating: R
Genres: Angst, Romance
Relationships: Harry & Hermione
Book: Harry & Hermione, Books 1 - 5
Published: 09/03/2004
Last Updated: 23/08/2004
Status: in_progress

After summer, Harry and Hermione return to Hogwarts to face a darkness more powerful than ever. A very smutty darkfic full of fluffy angst. Please R&R. Many Pairings

Chapters

1. An idyllic summer

2. Ginny discovers

3. Confrontations

4. Reunions

5. Tragic endings

6. New Beginnings

7. Author

8. Author

1. An idyllic summer

DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything here, all credit goes to J. K. Rowling, who, incidently, is god. Song isn't mine either, it belongs to the Goo Goo Dolls, it's a killer song, you should check it out sometime.

Author Notes: Don't worry, the whole fic isn't a song fic, just the first chapter. The rest of the fic isn't as angsty as this first chapter either, so don't be turned away by the original angst. This is my first fic, so reviews would be greatly appreciated. Thanks all.

WARNING: A major portion of this fic deals with self-mutilation, most specifically, with cutting. Some of the details are rather graffic. If this bothers you, don't read, and please, if you are someone who has been through this in the past and feel that this may trigger an episode, don't read. There are plenty of other fics out there that are still just as dark and angsty that won't deal with this, may I recommend those and not this one.

Chapter 1

An idyllic summer ended at last. Hermione had spent the whole summer in Little Whinging with Harry. Her parents had moved there at the beginning of the summer in order to open their own practice.

And I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

They'd spent the whole summer hiking, swimming, talking, and towards the end, snogging. It was one of those unforgettable summers; one of those summers that made you forget the rest of the world existed.

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breath is you life
'Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

Yes, Harry could forget...until late at night, when the nightmares came. Harry didn't sleep anymore, and when he did, he was forced to watch his godfather die over and over and over again. He'd wake up screaming and numb. That was when he'd steal under the loose board in his room and pull out his blade. He'd watch the way it glinted in the moonlight, the cold metal sparkling with dark promises of pleasures unknown. That blade had become his friend, his comforter. In the terror of the night, he'd draw the blade across his arm, watching in fascination as a thin red line chased the blade across his inner arm. The physical pain blocked the emotional turmoil. He felt all the grief and sorrow drain out of him with each drop of blood that stained the sheets.

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

Come morning, Harry was Harry again. Only Hermione suspected the depths of his pain. Only Hermione saw the marks on his arms. They never spoke of it; it was an unspoken understanding. However, school was rapidly approaching, and what with her duties as Head Girl, and his duties as Quidditch Captain, she was afraid they were no longer going to be able to spend as much time together. Without her to keep him afloat, she feared he would drown in his sea of pain.

Summer was drawing to a close, and in a few hours, they would be leaving for King's Cross Station, where they would be leaving from Platform 9¾ to return to Hogwarts one final time. The night before, Harry had had one of his nightmares, but not like the one he'd had all summer. And when he awoke, he could have sworn his scare was aflame.

*********************************************************************************************************

"My time draws near," he heard a voice say.

"If I am to take my place of power, we must crush the boy. Destroy him; body, heart, mind, and soul. Strip him of his will to fight. Harry Potter must no longer care about anything, he must be so devastated that life itself will not matter."

"But master...how are we going to do that when his will is so strong," answered a second voice.

"The girl, you loathsome idiot, the girl. She is his weakness...she has his heart. The little mudblood blinds him to the rest of the world; she makes him careless. We use the girl to get to him. For him to suffer, the girl must, too."

And then he saw a vision, ever so briefly, of a man in a long black hooded cloak with a stark white mask. In his arms, he lovingly cradled a limp, lifeless Hermione Granger.

*********************************************************************************************************

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive

Harry awoke with a start, covered in a cool sweat, sheets twisted and tied around him. The blade slipped deeper that night than ever before.

"Just a little deeper," he thought, "if I'm dead, maybe they won't go after her."

"But she needs me; if I'm dead, so is she, because if I'm dead, Voldemort wins and the muggle born die."

King's Cross Station
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

They met at the station, and decided against waiting for Ron. They'd just meet up with him on the train. They settled into their usual compartment, Harry pulled Hermione down onto his lap, and they cuddled together on the window seat for a while. Harry reached down and titled her chin to meet his own. He gently pressed his lips to hers, only to find her respond with a passion and fervor that shocked him. He ran his tongue over her lips, silently pleading for access to the sweetness within. She parted her lips and their tongues began an intricate dance of pleasure. Harry drew back and nibbled on her bottom lip before blazing a trail of moist kisses down her jaw line and drifting down to a spot on her neck he knew she liked. His hands slipped up under her shirt to gently cup her breasts and worry her nipples between his thumb and index finger. She laid her head back to give him better access to her neck and let out a soft, sensual moan.

"WHAT THE HELL," bellowed Ron, who had just slipped into the compartment.

Both Harry and Hermione jumped guiltily away from one another, straightening their clothing and trying to explain to Ron.

"Wait, Ron...it's not," said Harry.

"Just let me explain," said Hermione.

"I. Don't. Care," snapped Ron, then he turned and stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind him.

"Not exactly the way I pictured him finding out," said Harry

2. Ginny discovers

Disclaimer: I own nothing, J.K. Rowling is god, please don't sue me.

WARNING: See first chapter PLEASE

Hermione broke down into great heaving sobs.

"Oh Harry! How are we ever going to make this work? There are other people now, it’s not just us anymore.”

“Shhh…baby, it’ll be okay. Ron was just surprised, that’s all. I know I would be if I were he. Not to mention that’s probably not the scene you want to walk in on even if you do know about a couple.”

“But he’s so angry now, you know how he gets when he’s angry about something.”

“It’s all going to work out, ‘Mione, I promise. Would you feel better if I went to talk to him?”

“Could you, please, Harry? I just need to know he’s okay.”

“It’s gonna be alright, love, I swear.”

He gave her a soft kiss on the lips and used his handkerchief to wipe away her tears. He rose to leave, and as he reached the door, Ginny stepped in.

“Oh, hi, Ginny,” he said.

“Hi guys! You wouldn’t happen to know what stick my dear brother has shoved up his arse, would you? I think he just gave a couple of first years a month’s worth of detention before we ever even left the platform.”

“Oh shit…’Mione, love, you up to explaining this to her while I go find Ron before he tries to expel someone?”

“Yeah, I think I can handle Ginny here. Go…you might want to find Ron before Malfoy does or we’re liable to be short a couple of prefects!”

Harry chuckled, relieved to see a smile on her face once again, and slipped out the door.

“So how was your summer, Ginny,” inquired Hermione.

“Pretty good, but I don’t think my summer explains why my brother is walking around ready to Avada someone, or why I feel like I’ve stepped into an alternate dimension. I haven’t, have I?”

“Nope, no alternate dimensions, although that might be easier for you to believe. Why don’t you take a seat?”

“Okay…”

“Now Ginny, you know I love you like a sister, and I would never do anything to hurt you…” began Hermione.

“But Harry and I are dating,” finished Ginny. “Finally, I was beginning to think you guys would never get your acts together.”

“Wait a minute, you knew,” Hermione exclaimed.

"It was obvious you guys were head over heels for one another, you were just to scared to admit it to yourselves, let alone anyone else.”

“So, you’re not upset about this?”

“Oh, Hermione, I got over my hero worship years ago; Harry’s a great guy, but dating him would be like dating Ron.”

“Ewwww…” they both said simultaneously.

“Speaking of Ron, you still haven’t explained why he’s on a war path. He didn’t take it that poorly, did he?”

“Well, we probably could have broken it to him a little more gently. Harry and I kind of forgot about where we were and things were getting a little carried away when Ron walked in.”

“Carried away? Oh…OH! Yeah…that would do it. You know, it’s not going to be easy for him to accept; he loves you. He has for years; he’s just been too scared to admit it. Then, last year, when Harry and you started showing obvious feelings for each other, he thought maybe Harry deserved just one ray of sunshine in his life with all he had on his shoulders. He thought your love might give him the strength he needed when the final battle came.”

“Oh my god, Ginny, I never knew. I just always had my nose buried in a book or something.”

“He knew that. He counted on that. He couldn’t bare it if you knew. He’d never speak to me again if he knew I’d told you. I thought you should know though. Just take it easy on him; he’s doing his best.”

“I feel horrid for letting him find out that way!”

“Don’t, Hermione, give him a couple of days and he’ll calm down. There’s a big difference between accepting an idea and accepting an actual event.”

“If you say so…”

“So, Hermione…”

“So what?”

“Is Harry as good a snog as we thought he’d be?”

Hermione took her coat and threw it at Ginny, who caught it and proceeded to hold it for ransom until such time as Hermione gave her the answers she wanted.

“I’m not going to tell you that; that’s private.”

“He is, isn’t he?”

“Well…no. He’s even better. Oh my god, Ginny, you don’t even understand, he’s incredible.”

“Biased opinion, I’m sure.”

3. Confrontations

Disclaimers: I don't own it...please don't sue me. I don't have anything to give you anyways

Warnings and A/N: Please see first chapter.

"I don't envy you this one love," thought Harry as he left the compartment. "I don't care what you say, Ginny can be every bit as bad as Ron when you rub her the wrong way!" He chuckled in his mind at that thought, remembering the the rows Ron and Ginny had had over the years that her had ended up mediating. "Oh, there's the sweet cart...and no Ron; well, there goes that theory."

Of a sudden, a monnotion further down the train caught his eye. He saw the familiar red hair, which gave him a dead give away the he had found "his Wheezy" as Doby had so fondly referred to him.

"What the hell's your problem, Weasel? Why don't you just sod off?"

And he'd found Malfoy, too. He quickly ran to where the disturbance was coming from.

"Oh, look Weasel, Potty's come to save you!"

"Shut it, Malfoy," said Harry.

"Sod off, Harry! I don't need your help...why don't you go back to snogging your little girlfriend. I'm sure Hermione needs you much more than I do."

"Oh don't tell me...Potty and the Mudblood? Oh, that's rich..."

Instantly, Malfoy found himself slammed up against a wall; two wands pointed in his face.

"Take that back, Malfoy!"

"She's not a mudblood!"

It had come to light the preious summer that Hermione's biological background was not as she had been led to believe. When Hermione's grandparents heard of the way she was being treated at school, they decided to come clean. All four of Hermione's grandparents were pureblood Wizards. When their children were born as Squibs, they decided to leave the magical world and live as m uggles, and not tell their childrean about wizardry. The two families mey by coincidence, and dicided the children would be encouraged to marry so that maybe the wizarding bloodline could be continued. And sure enough...one of the brightest witches of modern times was created.

"Her parents are Squibs; her grandparents are pureblood Wizards!"

"Okay, okay, so the Mudblood's not a Mudblood, big deal, she's stillgot to be daft, she's still dating Potty here."

"Oh, just stuff it, Ferrett," said Ron, "at least she's getting some, which is more than I can say about you."

"Come on, Ron, he's not worth it. Let's just go before we hex him into oblivion and get into loads of trouble."

Ron glared at Harry, but turned around and stormed off. With a final glance at Malfoy, "Not hot," thought Harry, he turned and ran after Ron.

"Ron, wait up, please! I need to talk to you! I want to explain."

"You know, Harry, I really don't think I need an explanation, it was quite obvious what was going on."

"Okay, maybe not an explanation, but I want to discuss this."

"What, discuss what, Harry? The fact that I just walked in to find and the only girl I'ive ever loved practically shagging in the train compartment? Or that I taked second place to The Boy Who Lived again? Or how about the fact that my two best friends are now so absorbed in one another that they've completely forgotten about me? I made my decision a long time ago, and I'm going to stand by that decision no matter how hard it is. Just go back to Hermione, Harry, she needs you, you need her. I'll be fine, Harry, just let me be.

"Rond, why didn't you tell me any of these things? Hermione and I haven't forgotten about you, we love you, things don't have to change for you. We want you to feel comfortable around us."

"Give me time, let me adjust, we'll see after that."

"Okay, if you say so, Ron. I really wish you'd come back with me...Hermione is really upset, and I don't think any more first years need a month long introduction to Filch."

"I don't know..."

"I promise, no more shows, we'll keep our hands to ourselves."

"Maybe I'll come by later...not now though."

"Okay, mate, I'll see you later."

Harry headed back to the compartment thinking about the things Ron had said along the way.

"Oh great," he though, "another problem to deal with. Somehow, I get the feeling this isn't over by a long shot."

He got back to the compartment, only to find Hermione sound asleep, Ginny was no where to be found. He sighed, and settled in next to Hermione and gather her in his arms. She stirred lightly before resettling and drifting back to a peaceful sleep. He watched her for a long while, before drifting off gently to sleep himself.

4. Reunions

Disclaimer: I own nothing...please don't sue me.

WARNINGS: Please see first chapter .

~~Chapter 4: Reunions~~

A loud banging on the compartment door, followed by Ron yelling loudly, awaked both.

“I’m going to open the door now guys, you better be fully clothed. I’m stepping inside now.”

Both Harry and Hermione snickered as Ron walked in, one hand covering his eyes.

“I hope everyone’s decent in here, I’m going to uncover my eyes now.”

He slowly uncovered his eyes, warily peaking through his fingers, as if frightened of what he would see.

“Hey ‘Mione,” said Harry, “check out that huge spider over there!”

That did it; Ron was in motion in seconds.

“Spider! What spider? Where?”

Harry and Hermione broke down into gales of laughter.

“Chill, Ron, there’s no spider, I got you to uncover your eyes and look around though.”

Ron couldn’t help but smile at that. Hermione jumped up and threw her arms around Ron.

“Oh, Ron, I’m so sorry! Can you forgive us?”

“Consider it done, just please pay attention to your surroundings from now on, I really don’t want an encore performance.”

“Amen to that my friend,” said Harry, “hey Herm, you planning on letting go of him anytime soon, or should I be getting jealous?”

Hermione blushed and slowly pulled away from Ron. They spent the rest of the ride talking, and soon ambled on to the topic of the new DADA teacher.

“You mean you guys haven’t heard yet? I though you would have been the first to know, Harry,” said Ron, “You get the Daily Profit, don’t you Herm?”

“Well, yeah, but I really haven’t been concerned with reading it this summer,” she replied sheepishly.

“Honestly! You guys really need to quit trying to locate each other’s tonsils and join the real world for a while. Snape made a few ‘accidental’ modifications to the Wolfsbane potion and stumbled upon the cure for lycanthropy. Lupin’s back!”

A whole ocean of emotions flowed through Harry, threatening to drown him in them. With Sirius gone, Lupin was the closest thing he had to family, and now he was back. Harry couldn’t help but get the feeling that things were about to change drastically for him. When Sirius was in his life during his fifth year, he had taken on the role of father with Harry, which included disciplining Harry when he felt it necessary. Somehow, he knew Lupin would feel the same way.

“Earth to Harry, come in, Harry”

“Hmmm….?”

“You kinda spaced out on us there.”

“Oh, did I? I’m sorry, I was just thinking.”

“I’m surprised you haven’t gone bounding out of her to find him by now.”

“Well, it’s been a long while since I have seen him, and it could be kind of awkward. I’ll go see him later tonight.”

“Are you okay, Harry,” Hermione asked quietly, “you look a little pale there.”

“Yeah, Yeah, I’ve fine, just a bit of a shock. I’m sure I’ll be okay.”

“You know, we really should be getting dressed in our robes, we’ll be getting to the school soon.”

Hermione gathered her roves and turned to leave, but Harry grabbed her by the arm and turned her to face him.

“What, no goodbye kiss?”

“Oh, Harry, I’m not sure that’s such a good idea, I mean…”

“Hermione, Shut up!”

At this, Harry pressing his lips to hers effectively shut up Hermione. She tensed and started to resist, but soon she melted into his arms and allowed his tongue access to her mouth. Just as they both started to lose themselves in the kiss,

“Merlin, guys, give me a break, save it for her room tonight!”

Hermione giggled and scooted out of the room, narrowly missing a smack on the bum from Harry.

It wasn’t long before they arrived at the school and proceeded to the Great Hall for the Welcoming Feast.

They sat through the standard announcements and sorting ceremonies, and Harry began to grow bored. He slid his hand under the table and placed it on Hermione’s knee. After a few moments, he slowly began to slide his hand up her leg, under her skirt. He chuckled inwardly at the shocked look on Hermione’s face. Her took his other hand and began to massage her neck and shoulders until he felt her relax. He knew Hermione loved the thrill of doing something when they had a high probability of getting caught.

His fingers drifted up and ghosted across the crotch of her panties. He began to toy with the edges of her panties, hesitant because they’d never been that far before.

He leaned over and whispered, “You okay, with this, love? I’ll stop if you want me to.” Her only response was to pull out her wand and whisper an incantation. Harry was shocked to find her panties had disappeared. He slipped his finger into her warm moist folds and smiled at the look of absolute rapture she was trying to hide. He gently slid one finger inside of her and began to slide it in and out. Just as he was beginning to slide in a second finger, Ron interrupted them.

“Guys! Aren’t you going to eat? Food’s here.”

They both laughed as Harry reluctantly withdrew his hand from its ministrations and gave Hermione a chaste kiss on the lips before digging in. Other than a few comments from the student’s, the rest of the feast went without event.

5. Tragic endings

Disclaimer: I own nothing, please don’t sue me, I don’t have anything to give anyways.

WARNINGS: In addition to the standard first chapter warnings, I would like to say that the end of this chapter depicts a rather graphically violent and disturbing scene, proceed with caution if blood and such makes you squeamish.

**Chapter Five-Tragic Endings**

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As soon as the welcoming feast was over, Harry walked Hermione to her new Head Girl dormitories. One of the biggest privileges of being Head Girl was private dormitories and common room, also not protected by gender wards, the theory being that the Head Boy and Girl were responsible enough not to need them. But it was also an unspoken tradition that when the Head Boy or Birl were involved in a serious relationship, a blind eye was turned to the comings and goings of their significant other, whom often ended up almost moving into the private dorms.

He kissed her goodnight and told her he would come back later, after he went to find Lupin. He went down to Lupin’s rooms and knocked quietly on the door. When Lupin opened the door and let Harry in, Harry looked at him for a moment before running into Lupin’s arms. As Lupin held him there, he felt the tears come for the first time. At first, he felt a lone tear or two fall, but it was as though a dam had broken and he was soon sobbing uncontrollably. Lupin picked him up and carried him over to an overstuffed arm chair where he cradled Harry and let him cry. Lupin muttered nonsense words of comfort to him while rubbing his back and his hair.

Slowly, much later, his sobs subsided and his breathing evened back out and he raised his face to look at Lupin.

“Hi, Lupin.”

“Hi, Harry. Feeling a little better now?”

“No, but I’m happy you’re here. I miss my family...you and Sirius and everyone else. I think that’s the first time I let go and cried since he died, I don’t know what happened. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to come down here and fall apart.”

“Shhh...it’s okay, don’t ever feel like you’re imposing by depending on me. I love you, and I plan on helping you just as Sirius did.”

“Are you...Are you going to, umm...” his voice faded off.

“Yes, Harry, now more than ever you need to feel like someone cares enough to set limits for you, and if and when you push those limits, I will discipline you. I will discipline you because I love you and I think that people have given you too many breaks, you need to learn that the rules apply to you the same as they do everyone else. But enough about that, I love you, and it’s late. You need to get to bed.”

“Night, Lupin.”

“Night, Harry, we’ll talk more this weekend.”

Harry left Lupin then, with very mixed feelings about Lupin being back. He didn’t want to think about it though; he wanted to find Hermione and go to sleep.

He reached her dorms, and gave the password to the giggling faeries in her portrait. He entered to find her sleeping on the couch. Apparently she had fallen asleep while waiting for him. He picked her up and carried her to her bed. He tucked her in and was startled by a voice from behind him. He turned to the fireplace to see Lupin’s head residing there.

“L-L-Lupin!”

“Relax, Harry, I’m not upset. We kind of figured you’d be staying here. We decided we trusted you enough to allow it. Your things are already in your chambers across the hall. Don’t make us regret this decision.”

With that, the head spun and was gone. Harry went across to his chambers and changed into pajamas. He then padded back across the hall and slid in and snuggled up next to Hermione.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“No...No...’Mione!”

Harry snapped awake, briefly taking note that he hadn’t woken Hermione. The pain was back, the darker Harry had taken over. He walked to his room and pulled the blade out of his trunk. There was no reverence for the blade tonight, he just began slashing his arms, first one, then the other. He heard a little sob from behind him. It barely registered in his current state of mind.

“Harry, stop it, please! Let me help you, you don’t have to do this.”

“Hermione, go back to bed. This doesn’t concern you; you don’t understand.”

Hermione turned and left the room, going to her room. She sat and cried for a few moments, before grabbing a handful of Floo powder and called Lupin.

“Lupin, wake up! I need your help with Harry, it’s an emergency.”

Seconds later, Lupin stepped through the fireplace in Hermione’s room. Wordlessly, he followed her to Harry’s room. The sight he saw horrified him. There was blood all over, the blade had clattered to the floor and Harry was lying there, unconscious. The blade had slipped too deep.

6. New Beginnings

Disclaimer: You know what, surprise, surprise, they’re not mine!! And I’m completely wasting my afternoons writing this, cause I’m not getting paid for it either, so don’t sue me, please, I don’t have any money to give you anyways.

WARNINGS: Okay, no more referring you to the first chapter for the warnings, I just want to put it out there. THIS STORY CONTAINS CUTTING AND SUICIDE THEMES. Most scenes are very graphic and somewhat disturbing; if it’s not your thing, please don’t read. I’m getting tired of the reviews saying “that’s so sick” or “it’s a good story, but I really didn’t like the whole cutting thing” and then people giving me really low ratings because of it. It’s there, and it’s not pretty, you’ve been warned.

Author’s notes: I want to give a big thank you to all my reviewers. This is my first fic I wrote, and I’m really trying to make it something that people will want to read, you know. For those of you who expressed concerns about the cutting, it is here to stay, it’s a major theme in this story, and it probably will always remain just as graphic. Unfortunately (or fortunately, how ever you want to look at it), I write from experience, so it’s hard for me not to describe it the way I do. And after being through it myself in my past, and now working with so many others in the same situation, I just really see it as something that the OotP and post-OotP Harry has the characteristics for. But don’t worry, there’s going to be smut and romance abound as well, just as soon as I get it written. I’m not sure how long it’s going to be between updates, probably not really regular, I work full time and go to school full time, so I write when I feel the inspiration (usually at 3 a.m. the day of a big test or something). Thanks all, and Blessed Be.

***New Beginnings***

Hermione broke down. She was very close to hysterics. Meanwhile, Lupin felt all his instincts from the first war kick in. He grabbed on to Hermione and turned her around with her back to Harry. Holding her shoulders tightly in his hands, he spoke to her firmly, almost harshly.

“Hermione, look at me! Focus, now! This is not the time to panic. I need you to go back to your room and Floo Albus and Poppy, tell them just what you told me; that there’s been an emergency with Harry and that we need their assistance. Do Not tell them he is hurt, and you Must remain calm. We don’t know what has happened here, and we don’t know who’s monitoring the Floo network!”

Hermione was still frozen, even if she was no longer hysterical. She was going into shock.

“Hermione, go, NOW!” Lupin roared. At hearing Lupin’s voice so intense, she snapped into action. Within seconds, Albus and Poppy were in with Lupin and Harry. Poppy began to tend to Harry and immediately cast a stasis spell. It was then that she noticed his arms. Her rage became clearly evident in her face.

“Why was I not informed of this? This boy needed help; had I been told, he wouldn’t be like this now!”

“Hold on a moment, Poppy. Why weren’t you informed of what? I was unaware Harry had any physical ailments.”

“Not physical, mental. See these marks, these are self inflicted injuries, and they’ve been here for MONTHS! This poor child has been so lost in his grief that YOU, Albus, insisted we let him cope with on his own, that he has been hurting himself to attempt to deal with the pain.” Without waiting for a response, she began to levitate him to the hospital wing, with Lupin and Albus close behind.

“How extensive is the damage, Poppy?” inquired Albus.

“He’s lost a lot of blood, not to mention any of the muscle damage he may have caused to his arm.”

“Can he be salvaged?”

“I just don’t know Albus, he’s a boy, not a weapon, he’s a living being, I just can’t say if I can pull him through or not.” She entered the hospital wing and immediately began her work. Lupin grabbed on to Dumbledore’s arm and stared him straight in the eye.

“If that boy dies, Albus…”

“War causes casualties, Remus. You know this, young Harry knows this, we just have to accept what comes.”

“Merlin help you, if that boy dies, I will rip you limb from limb with my bare hands, werewolf or not,” Lupin hissed, and turned to enter the hospital wing.

Albus turned, but instead of heading to the hospital wing, he returned to the head girl’s rooms to speak with Hermione. Upon entering, he found Hermione in the common room, just staring blankly into an empty fireplace. He sat down in a chair across from her, and studied her for a moment.’

“Have a lemon drop, my dear,” he said, nearly forcing one into her hand. It was common knowledge that Albus’ lemon drops were laced with a calming draught, but Hermione thought that maybe she could use a bit of a calming draught at this point.

“We have to talk, my dear,” began Albus. Hermione just kind of almost laughed. If that wasn’t the understatement of the century.

“How long?” asked Albus.

“How long, what? How long has he hated himself? How long has he wished he didn’t have to continue? How long has he wanted to DIE?” replied Hermione, her anger beginning to stumble through the fog of emotions she was surrounded in.

“Calm down. How long has he been hurting himself like this?”

“Oh, that. Well, I guess that depends on what you classify as hurting himself. He began at the beginning of the summer just scratching himself with his nails, barely even breaking the skin. But it got progressively worse, and by a month or so into the summer, I started to notice the real marks, the ones that left those scars.”

“So why didn’t you owl me? You know the Order moved you and your parents there so you could help watch him. All summer this has been happening, and I never heard a word. Surely you could see that this wasn’t right?”

“He’s lost everything he can put his faith in. You, Sirius, and when he started dating me, he felt he’d lost Ron, too. The boy had no one. You couldn’t expect me to tell you and let you come whisking in there, and take away his faith in the one person he still trusts, did you? He Trusts Me. I don’t care what else there is, I won’t take that from him, I won’t break his heart again.”

“I trusted you, Miss Granger. I trusted you enough to move you and your family this summer, I trusted you enough to allow Harry to stay with you in these rooms, even though he wasn’t Head Boy, I trusted you enough to watch over him, and TELL ME what was going on!”

“Just as Harry trusted you, you bastard? Harry trusted you to tell him what was going on in his life! He knew NOTHING before he came here and all he had was the information you fed him, and then you manipulated him to your whims and desires. You only told him what you felt it was necessary for him to know. Yeah, trust is a wonderful thing, SIR!”

“MISS GRANGER! No matter what your problems with me may be, now matter what my past indiscretions, I am still the Headmaster of this school, and you will treat me as such, with RESPECT,” roared Dumbledore, “I will see you in my office first thing tomorrow morning to discuss this matter further. Goodnight!” In a matter that reminded Hermione very much of Snape, he spun around and in a flurry of bellowing robes, he was gone, leaving her to wonder precisely what in the hell she had done.

7. Author

8. Author

Author’s Note: I would just like to say that this story has not been abandoned…it is being extensively reworked, and will probably be reposted in all its newfound glory here soon. I started this story almost two years ago, and to say it has matured with time would be an understatement. I am currently looking for a beta reader, not only to bat around ideas with, but to help kick me in the ass and get this story done. I want to mention a couple of things though…this story will remain with the same dark themes, possibly written even darker than before (I have a passion for all things dark and gloomy), and I also wanted to make a note to those who have said my Dumbledore was rather OOC…I feel that my Dumbledore probably is rather OOC for pre-OotP, but we have just begun to see Dumbledore’s manipulative side, as well as his temper. And we must remember here, this is Dumbledore’s third dark war…he has taken down Grindewald, and already faced Voldemort once in his lifetime, the man is bound to have become somewhat hardened and jaded to the casualties of war, as benevolent as he may seem, we must remember there is a side we are only beginning to see, a side that as much as we may not like it, we are finding he is somewhat reluctant, but willing, to sacrifice Harry for the greater good. That is where my Dumbledore comes from. I will hopefully be getting this reposted soon however, and thank you all who have reviewed and cheered me on.