Blinding Fog

tearsofher

Rating: PG13
Genres: Romance
Relationships: Harry & Hermione
Book: Harry & Hermione, Books 1 - 4
Published: 16/03/2004
Last Updated: 17/03/2004
Status: in_progress

-one shot fic- She would be in that blinding fog forever, never reaching Harry. Never being able to tell him how she felt, that she loved him with all that was within her. And she could almost feel that crushing defeat that broke everything inside her..

Chapters

1. Blinding Fog

1. Blinding Fog

Blinding Fog

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one shot fic. I do hope you still review, though!

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Hermione stared up into the clear blue sky, inhaling the fresh air, and closing her eyes. She could feel a faint sense of peace spread inside her; just being alone, nothing but the quietness of the gentle breezes. She opened her eyes, and smiled slightly, although it did not reach her eyes. Her mind drifted off, again, to a certain midnight-black haired boy with the most capturing emerald eyes she had ever seen. She felt a rip of sadness cut through her once serene feeling, as she felt the smile fade. She continued staring out into the sky, her mind locked on the boy who had managed to capture her heart in his hands, not even having a slightest clue.

She had never told anyone; it wasn't something you brought up in a casual conversation, especially when it was something of serious matter, one that was nothing to be kid about. Not to mention she didn't really want to think of the kind of reactions it would invoke among her peers, or even her best friend. But somehow, which was sort of ridiculous, to her, she hoped that Harry would see it. See that she loved him deeper than anyone could love anyone in a lifetime. She hoped that he would somehow would see underneath that fake exterior that she tried to play along with-because they were just friends. And even if she would ever gather up the courage to say that she wanted to be much more than that, she couldn't.

It was against everything, if there were any set of rules for friends. He obviously didn't feel that way about her, which hurt her more than anything. Even if he sometimes would sit down by her, when she was reading all alone in the common room, and she'd catch him just watching her. Sure, for a moment, for a mere moment, she'd think that he'd at least have something in there for her, besides the mutual feelings friends should have for each other. But when she'd look up, he'd just smile and shake his head, chuckling, and she'd have curiosity churning up inside of her, but she'd never ask. He was just laughing at her. Laughing at her for being so stupid, for thinking for a second that he'd actually be in love with her.

And when she'd try to read his eyes when they'd catch each other's gaze sometimes, he'd look away abruptly, but not before she'd see that there was something in them. There was something that had flickered inside his deep green eyes, something that he hadn't wanted her to see. But, fool as she was, she could never figure out what it was, even with the many times she would watch him. She could never see what appeared in his eyes for that second when he looked at her, as if he had constructed some kind of barricade, or shield. It was as if she was some kind of blinding fog, that surrounded her, trapped her in, and no matter where she stepped, or the distance she walked forward or east, she didn't know where she was going. She didn't know where her destination was, only that it was where Harry was. But the thing was, she didn't know where Harry was; she couldn't see him. But she could feel him; she could feel that he was there, waiting for her, somehow. But she knew, in the end, she never got to him.

She would be in that blinding fog forever, never reaching Harry. Never being able to tell him how she felt, that she loved him with all that was within her. And she could almost feel that crushing defeat that broke everything inside her.. That sinking and crashing feeling when she thought of Harry never knowing that she loved him. She wanted him to know, she did. But the honest truth was, she didn't know how to tell him. She didn't want to tell him. She wished fervently that he would just, someday, somehow, see right through her, and know how she felt. Without her having to explain, without her breaking down in tears, trying to make him comprehend.

She just wanted him to know, that there was someone else in the world that would give and do anything for him.

But she just didn't know how to say it.

Of course, she had had her chances. There were times they were alone in the common room, the fire providing flickering hazy yellow light. She would sit there, reading-or just pretending to be- and him, just staring into the fireplace. She didn't know why he stayed with her, and why he chose to stay with her even after the others had gone up and went to bed. She didn't. But her hopes always persisted in her mind, that maybe he stayed because he might actually like being with her, in that way. But of course, that was just wishful thinking, as reality finally dawned on her that he probably only stayed because he couldn't sleep.. And he didn't want to stay in the dormitory, staring up in the ceiling while the other boys' snores filled the room. So they would just sit there, silent, with the sound of the crackles and sparks from the fireplace snapping once in a while. She remembered she would constantly look up from her book, and stare at him. His twinkling emerald eyes, his untamed jet black hair. He really was handsome, and he had always been, in her eyes.

And she could still remember that sort of sinking, caving in feeling in the pit of her stomach, when she remembered that one day he would find another pretty witch that stole his heart.. Just as he had with hers. Then one day.. Getting married, and having a family. And she knew that she would still long for him, love him as much as she did before. She could feel a slight frown on her face when she thought of the possibility of her never being able to tell him how she felt.. She felt her eyes sting with tears, as she blinked them back furiously. It really did hurt, deep down inside, when she thought of him living on with his life, not knowing that she loved him.

She took a deep breath, as she wiped away the tears in her eyes. Her chest felt as if it were so full with suppressed emotions that were just bursting inside of her. But the thing was, she couldn't let it out. Not to anyone. Not yet.

Just then, as she sniffled, she heard the door open behind her. She turned, and saw Harry walking towards her, a faint smile on his face. He came up beside her, as she turned back to the sight.

“I was looking for you,” he said to her, softly. His deep green eyes were sparkling, underneath the transparent lens of his glasses. “I thought I might find you here.”

Hermione sighed, as she tried to compose herself, trying to conceal every emotion she had just let slip out.

“Yeah,” she said, her voice slightly wavering. Harry looked at her, trying to search her expression, as she didn't turn to look at him.

“Is everything alright, Hermione?” He asked, concern in his voice. She smiled faintly.

“Everything's fine, Harry.”

“You can tell me, you know.” Hermione sighed, closing her eyes as a breeze passed through again.

“It's nothing. Really, Harry. I'm fine.” He stared at her, watching her, trying to read her expression. He couldn't help but tell himself again how beautiful she always seemed to look.

He turned back to the scenery; clear blue sky.. The sun hiding where he couldn't see. Hermione opened her eyes, as she felt a warmth erupt and spread through her, the butterflies in her stomach returning. She took a moment to look at him, watch him, as his eyes stayed on the view, before returning her own gaze to it.

“It's amazing.. Sometimes I forget that this kind of peaceful silence exists,” he said quietly. She smiled, as Harry looked at her. Her brown eyes sparkled, as her hair was being blown gently by the wind. He felt a breath cease in his throat.

“I know what you mean. I agree.” She turned to him, still smiling. “We all need this kind of quietness once in a while.. Alone. A time to sort out all our thoughts and feelings, without any distractions.”

There was silence, before Harry spoke again. His voice was calm and quiet, watching her.

“Am I distracting you?”

She smiled. “Don't be silly, Harry.”

“Well.. What do you think about, when you're out here?”

“All sorts of things.. You know, the future after Hogwarts. And well.. What I would like to have in my future.”

“Like what?”

“Well.. Like, I'd like to have a good paying job that makes me happy,” she smiled. “And.. A boyfriend, maybe,” she blushed. “And in a few years.. Get married, and start a family.”

Harry stared at her. “Well.. Do you have anyone in mind?”

“What do you mean?” She asked, still not looking at him.

“I mean.. You know, a boy you have your eye on.”

She turned a deeper red, as she thought of what his reaction might be if she told him the truth.

“ I don't know.. Maybe not. Not right now.” Harry felt a slight disappointment deep inside of him, but he didn't let it show. “Oh,” he said quietly.

“What about you, Harry?” She said, turning to him. “Any lucky girl you have your eye on?”

Harry grinned at her. “Yes.”

Hermione raised her eyebrow, as she felt curiosity but sadness and disappointment well up inside her from his answer. She knew she shouldn't have asked; it wouldn't do her any good, except to worsen the tear on the corner of her heart.

“Do I know her?” She asked. His green eyes sparkled even more brightly, as he turned his gaze over to the view, before returning to her.

“I'd say you do.”

“Does she have a name?”

Harry's grin became wider, his heart beating wildly in his chest. This was it.. he was finally going to tell her.

“Yes. It's-“

Suddenly Ron stumbled into the balcony, and Harry halted his words, feeling his heart stop, frozen. Ron raised an eyebrow at both of them.

“Are you two coming back inside, or what?” He asked them. “Hermione, Lavender's asking for you, and Harry,” he gave Harry a triumphant smirk. “How about playing a game of Wizard's chess with me?”

Hermione looked at Ron, then at Harry, disappointed although she didn't show it. She smiled at him.

“Maybe later, Harry?” She said to him, and he nodded, before she left, disappearing behind the balcony door. Harry sighed, running a hand through his hair, staring after her. He mentally told himself to keep it together, and his heart to stop beating so fast. Ron sent a curious look over at him.

“You alright, mate?” He asked him, and Harry just merely nodded.

“I'll go wait inside,” Ron said, leaving Harry alone on the balcony. He sighed, turning back to the view. He had missed another chance to tell her how he felt. Again. Maybe it just wasn't meant to be. Maybe he just wasn't supposed to tell her. Maybe she just wasn't supposed to know. He shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts.

That was nonsense. He had to tell her. She had to know how he felt about her, that he loved her. So much that it hurt. He turned to walk back inside, but not without giving one last glance at the clear blue sky.

He was going to tell her. He had to. Somehow.

He turned and walked back inside the common room.

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The next night, Harry came down into the common room, relieved that Hermione was yet again awake, and reading, accompanied by the fire. He sat beside her, as she raised her gaze above the book, and smiled at him.

“Hi Harry,” she said softly. “Couldn't sleep?”

He smiled at her. “Never can.” He knew it was because he wanted to come down here and spend a few more minutes with her, until he went to sleep. If he ever could, of course. Most nights he would lie awake, thinking about her, and how beautiful she always seemed to him. He didn't know if there was a reason he shouldn't fall in love with her, let alone one that prevented him from falling in love with her. She was prefect. Absolutely perfect and nothing less, in his eyes.

He had made up his mind the other night that he would tell her. Tonight. He would tell her that he loved her. If only he could sum up enough courage to do so. He had thought about how she would react, and of course, what she would say. But the honest truth was, he didn't know. Maybe she would remain cool, and collected. Maybe she would start crying and run away. Maybe she would be angry and never speak to him again.

Or maybe.. Maybe she would tell him that she loved him too. But he doubted it, since there wasn't a single sign that she returned his affections. Or maybe.. Maybe he just couldn't see it. Maybe it was there, but he just couldn't see it. Maybe, somewhere deep inside, she loved him too. He hoped terribly that whatever her reaction would be, that she would still speak to him after. He didn't know what he would do if she never wanted to see his face or utter a word to him ever again.

That would completely destroy him.

Hermione looked over at Harry, and became worried. He looked as if he was in deep thought, his eyebrows creased, like he was arguing with his conscience. She quietly marked her page, and set her book down.

“Harry,” she said, “is something wrong?”

Harry turned over to her, and smiled; every trace of worry or concern gone. “No.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, I'm fine, Hermione.” Hermione watched him some more, as he turned his gaze back to the fire, and remained unwavering. She sighed softly, as she turned to look at the thriving flames also. He was lying to her, she knew it. Only, she guessed he didn't know she could read him like a book. Questions were swarming in her mind, her thoughts buzzing, her nerves humming. Suddenly she noticed how close they seemed to be, and felt as if the room had suddenly gotten much warmer. Her heart started pounding, as she let her gaze stay on the licking flames of the fire.

“Harry.. Why do you come down here?” She asked, her voice faint. He turned to her.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean.. Why do you stay here with me, when everyone's gone up to bed?” She looked over at him, and smiled, but it didn't reach her eyes. “And, if you couldn't sleep, wouldn't it be better if you just stayed up in your dorm, lying in bed until you fell asleep?”

Harry turned away. “Do you want me to leave?”

“No, of course not,” she said. “I just.. I'm just curious, that's all.” There was silence, as she just waited for his reply. Her heart sank when it was clear he didn't intend of giving her one.

“You're not going to answer me,” she said sadly, almost inaudible. Harry pursed his lips together; his gaze on the fire still, and steady.

“Maybe.. Maybe I like spending time with you. Maybe I like being with you,” he said quietly. Hermione felt her skin suddenly tingle with buzzing warmth, her heart hammering and her breath caught in her throat from his answer. He suddenly turned to her, and smiled sincerely, making everything melt into an acidic fluid inside of her.

“I love you, Hermione. I always have, but these past years, it grew into something different. Something stronger, something more intense.” Hermione felt her world swirl around her, as Harry's eyes pierced through her very soul.

“I love you,” he repeated breathlessly. Hermione felt herself smile, as her vision became slightly blurry with tears.

“Oh, Harry,” she said. But before she could say more, he had wrapped his arms around her and kissed her. She felt herself give into his kiss deeply, as he kissed her passionately and intensely, holding her close. She felt as if a holy, white light had filled her, healing all her wounds, healing all her worries…

They pulled back slowly, as Harry smiled at her, looking so handsome, the firelight glowing around him.

“I love you too,” she whispered. “More than anything in the world.” He smiled, as he pulled her close again, leaning, as he brushed his lips against hers.

“Anything?” He asked her, grinning, as he prepared to give her another deep kiss.

“Anything.” And Harry kissed her once again, her mouth tasting so sweet and addicting.