Stupid Boys

Pittsy

Rating: PG
Genres: Romance, Humor
Relationships: Lily & James
Book: Lily & James, Books 1 - 5
Published: 18/03/2004
Last Updated: 29/08/2005
Status: in_progress

This is a story about a boy, the girl he didn't know he loved and the prat who made it all happen. A classic tale of true love, true hate and truly stupid boys.

Chapters

1. Spark

2. Only Brave Men...(Or Idiots)

3. Quicksand

4. The Evil That Men Do

5. Misguided Fool

6. Losing It

7. Trials and Tribulations

8. Poetic Licence

9. Life Without

10. Pudding Thoughts

11. Denial, Revisited

12. The Masterpiece

1. Spark

STUPID BOYS

CHAPTER 1: SPARK

"I win!" Lily grinned in triumph and considered making a victory lap around the common room, but decided that would have grievous implications on her health, as James would probably throttle her. He was such a bad loser. Of course, it didn’t help that she would rub his nose in his loss each time she won. And she always won.

James, meanwhile, was having considerably less happy thoughts. His brow was furrowed in concentration and he pursed his lips thoughtfully, as he studied the chess board. He knew she had won yet again, but he refused to give in so easily. There had to be a way to beat her, a loophole, something she’d missed...

As he came to the conclusion that he had lost for the sixth time in a row, he considered his options: he could become angry and storm off in a huff; demand a rematch and be crucified once more; or accuse her of cheating and get his own back. It was an easy choice.

"You cheated!"

Lily sniffed the air with feigned pomposity and jokingly raised her eyebrows at his dopey grin. "How dare you?! You are, my man, simply outmatched and you cannot admit that I am better than you!"

James lunged out of his seat at her, but she evaded his grasp with a giggle and was chased across the common room, scattering chairs and chess pieces. They dodged around furniture and hid behind people, oblivious to the withering glares they were receiving. James grabbed her around the waist and wrestled her to the floor, using the Art of Tickling to gain the advantage. When he decided that she had suffered enough (translation: when he decided that he didn’t have any energy left to pin her down and tickle her mercilessly anymore) he called a truce.

They sat, side by side, breathless yet still unable to control their hysterics each time they met each others eyes.

"Well, my good fellow-" Her chin went up in the air and she swallowed a giggle. "- you are a very very very bad loser!"

James cocked his head as if pondering her statement, a thoughtful look on his face. "But you have forgotten one very important thing, fair lady!" He broke into a grin. "You are a very very very bad winner!"

Lily giggled and hit him playfully. "What does that mean?"

He just smiled his dopey smile and shrugged at her. "How should I know?"

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"So what was all that about?"

"All what?"

Sirius paused in aiming his dirty socks into the sleeping Peter’s open mouth, and raised an eyebrow at his best friend. "You and Evans. What’s going on? You kiss her yet?"

That got his attention. James’ head shot up in surprise and he stared at Sirius as though he’d just suggested they dress in drag and do the cancan at the next school Ball. "What are you going on about? You know perfectly well that Evans is just a mate." He glanced at Sirius nonchalantly but nevertheless his friend could recognise the hope in James’ eyes as he said, "Why? She say anything about me?"

Sirius finally managed a perfect throw into Peter’s open goal and after a shout of "He shoots, he scores!" and a quick victory lap, he turned his attention back to James. "I just thought that if you didn’t make a move, I might," he said with a shrug and watched the reaction out of the corner of his eye. James went red and clenched his fists, a sure and obvious sign that one thing he didn’t want was Sirius going out with Lily.

"She wouldn’t go out with you! No way in Hell! You aren’t her type." James knew that he was clutching at straws but had no idea why. He didn’t care. Obviously. Of course, he should just let Sirius go for it, since he didn’t want her, but for some unknown reason he knew that he couldn’t let him go out with her. James had the horribly embarrassingly terrifying feeling that it would break his heart.

"What is her type, then?" Sirius, of course, had no intention at all of asking Lily out. It was just Stage One of The Plan. He liked to call it Operation: Get-James-To-Admit-To-Fancying-Lily-Then-Asking-Her-Out-Successfully-While-Simultaneously-Making-Sirius-Look-Fantastic. It had a nice ring to it.

Stage One was to make James jealous. Stage Two was to ruffle and goad him into admitting he liked the girl. Stage Three was to convince James that she like him back, therefore enabling him to have the guts to ask her out. Stage Four was to have a celebratory drink and cheer the happy bride and groom! However, life did not always go according to Sirius’ plans.

"Evans likes...God, I don’t know! But I know that YOU are not what she likes. She can’t." James pushed a hand through his hair and frowned into the fireplace as he thought out loud. "She needs someone who she can...laugh with. Laughter is always important. If you can’t laugh together once in a while, what’s the point in it?"

Sirius sat up straight, grinned and ticked off one finger. "Check. I am able to laugh. I am the King of Laughter, I am the Earl of Chuckling, the Duke of Giggling, the Count of Sniggering-"

James held up a hand. "Stop. I get the message."

"Good. I was running out of alternatives there." Sirius grinned.

James continued his list, now consciously trying to think up personality traits that Sirius didn’t possess. "She needs someone who’s secure, who can protect her and keep her safe. I mean, we all have the scars to prove that she can take care of herself, but I know she still wants to have someone to stand by her and treat her as an equal. Someone who wants to protect her."

"Check."

James raised an eyebrow, surprised at this response. "Check?"

Sirius smiled smugly. "Check. I can protect her. I’m a big, strong man, aren’t I?"

James frowned. He had the feeling that Sirius had missed the point he’d been trying to make about how she needed a partner to stand with, not a bodyguard. "She needs someone who’s romantic. You know, moonlight and roses, not just a quickie in the broom cupboard."

"Check."

"Right, if you say so. She also needs someone who’s clever enough to keep up with her. She’s quick, and if you aren’t smart enough, or mature enough to hold a conversation with her that doesn’t involve knickers, body fluids or how Snape looks like a girl, then she’ll crucify you." James knew that Sirius would never give up his favourite topics of conversation for a girl and grinned triumphantly.

"Check."

"What? You’re taking the piss now!" He was outraged that Sirius could ever claim that he was capable of carrying out an intelligent conversation with a girl when he blatantly couldn’t and they both knew it.

"I said ‘check’." Sirius was enjoying this now.

"Whatever. What I’m trying to tell you is that Evans needs something more than you and the rest of the idiots in this school can give her." James was desperate now without knowing why. All he did know was that even though Sirius was like a brother, he wasn’t right for Lily.

"What? What can’t I give her?" Sirius knew he was on the brink of completing Stage Two and smiled encouragingly.

James sighed and sat down on his bed with a resigned ‘thump’. "She needs love. She’s too special for anything less. She needs magic and passion and fire. She’s destined for something more than we know- I can tell. Lily is one of those people who have a spark and she deserves nothing less than that spark in a partner."

To James’ frustration and utter astonishment Sirius burst out laughing. No, not just laughing. He burst into loud guffaws and pointed at him, tears of mirth rolling down his cheeks.

Eventually, he calmed down when he realised that James was on the brink of punching him. "You are so funny! Sorry, mate, but you sound such a girl! You said ‘partner’!" Sirius collapsed into giggles once again.

James was still confounded. "What’s so hilarious?"

"Oh, Jamesy boy, you don’t even know! What’s so hilarious is that it’s so bloody obvious to all and sundry, yet you practically profess your love and still have no idea what you’ve said!" Sirius tried to keep a straight face as his best friend glared at him but failed dismally.

"I never said that I loved her! We’re not talking about me and Evans, anyway, we’re talking about you!" He had gone bright red with embarrassment, and he stuffed his hands in his pockets to stop himself from throttling Sirius for saying such mortifying things.

However, his friend simply slapped him on the back and grinned. "Ah, but we were talking about you and Evans. What was that you said?" Sirius scratched his head, sat next to James on his bed and ticked off his fingers, one by one. "You need to laugh together. Well, that one was confirmed this evening, I believe, when you and the lovely Lily were spotted rolling around on the floor cavorting and giggling." James opened his mouth to protest but Sirius held up a hand resolutely.

"Secondly, you said she needs an equal who understands her. The fact that you know that in the first place says it all. You’ve thought about it before. Don’t try and deny it because its so obvious!" James wasn’t about to deny it. He admitted that he had considered how good it’d feel if she picked him, of all people, to trust and keep her safe, but he never seriously entertained the idea.

"Thirdly, the romance factor. You may refuse to accept this, but the unfortunate ‘magic, passion, fire’ speech tells me that you have more romance in you that either of us would like to admit." James cringed and did try to deny that accusation but was silenced by a look from Sirius, who he knew must’ve been as uncomfortable as him with discussing such girly things as... ‘love’ and ‘passion’.

"Fourthly, the conversation thing. I know you don’t make a habit of it, but you do have enough restraint in you to be able to resist any fart jokes for the length of a little chat, for which you have my respect because I know how hard it is." They nodded at each other in agreement, both knowing how irresistible it was just to be normal disgusting boys all the time.

"Fifthly, and finally, we come to the ‘spark’ part. I’m not gonna get all emotional and girly or anything, but at the risk of sounding like a complete puff, you have a spark too. Me, I’m just destined to be the devilishly handsome sidekick." Sirius flashed a cocky grin. "But you are the main protagonist of this production. Understand? You are King Arthur. Robin Hood. Clark Kent. James Bond. Jesus Chr- nah, you’re not that good." When James began to laugh, he backtracked to his original message. "Maybe, I got a bit carried away there, but do you get the point?" Sirius stared straight at his friend, serious for once, hoping that he wouldn’t have to repeat himself because he’d actually forgotten the point he was trying to make.

"What?" Unfortunately, James was having a slow day and didn’t immediately grasp what he was going on about. "I’m simultaneously a historical figure, a legendary thief, a superhero, a spy, and the saviour of mankind?"

"God!" Sirius slapped his head in frustration.

"No, actually, according to you, I’m Jesus, not God."

Now Sirius realised that he had to be frank. "Look- you have it too. Lily is special, but so are you, mate. You belong together." He studied his bare feet in embarrassment, while James stared at him in astonishment.

"You know, Padfoot..." He slowly smiled. "Sometimes, you talk the biggest load of crap I’ve ever heard!"

As soon as Sirius met his friend’s eyes he began to laugh too, and punched him on the arm, in a brotherly way.

James continued to laugh and punched back. "I love you, mate."

In the midst of their giggles Sirius managed to reply, "I love you, too."

They simultaneously ceased laughing, jumped away, and eyed each other suspiciously. In purely male embarrassment, they both shrugged and grunted, "Yeah, whatever."

A minute or so later, when they had both marginally recovered from that mortifying moment and were going about their business getting ready for bed, Sirius gruffly asked, "You gonna tell her, then?"

James shrugged and replied roughly, as he climbed into bed, "Dunno. Probably. Maybe. Dunno."

"Oh. You know, man, I really do love you."

James did a double-take of a grinning Sirius and laughingly threw a pillow at him, the tension well and truly broken. "I know you do, you big puff, but I better not find you crawling into bed with me tonight!"

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2. Only Brave Men...(Or Idiots)

A/N: First of all I want to say thank you to my six reviewers (Diabla666, GreenEggsandHam, lex, MooMooAshley, patriotic angel, and annonymus). I have updated other stories on other websites but this is the first one I’ve put this story up on- let me know what you think as I may adjust bits that are not so good. Hope you enjoy!

STUPID BOYS

CHAPTER 2: Only Brave Men...(Or Idiots)

"Hiya, Evans."

"Black."

Sirius edged closer to where she was curled up reading a book and considered the best way to approach her about James. He knew he couldn’t use the same tactics he’d used with him- he doubted she’d be jealous if he told her he was thinking of asking James out. She was a tough one to crack so Sirius reckoned he had three options: ask her straight out if she liked him; hint that he liked her; or tease her about liking him until she confessed. He decided to go down the list.

He plonked himself down beside her and scratched his head. After all, with James it had been rather easy despite his initial protests since he’d known that if he went too far James would punch him and that would be that. But with Evans...she was female, that meant the unpredictable.

"Well..." he began, hesitantly. "So, what’s with you and James?"

"Huh?" She didn’t bother to look up and continued reading her book.

"Do you fancy him, or what?"

She, however, had a different reaction to James when he had been accused of fancying Lily and didn’t actually mumble and blush and deny it profusely. In fact, she didn’t even look up from her book as she snorted "He wishes!"

"What?" Sirius was dumbfounded. He had been prepared for outraged denial, uncontrollable laughter, anything but that. She didn’t seem bothered at all.

It was Sirius’ completely shell- shocked expression that finally cracked her; her eyes widening in surprise and her mouth curving into a broad grin. "What? You really think that I fancy Potter? You’re serious?"

Sirius jumped out of his skin as she roared with laughter, collecting annoyed glances from around the room. She gripped her stomach as though she was in terrible pain and she went stop sign red, tears rolling down her cheeks in mirth.

Relieved that he had eventually elicited some sort of response that he could deal with, Sirius still stumbled over his words as he tried in vain to calm her down. "Er… I think- well, to tell you the truth…WILL YOU STOP LAUGHING?!!!"

Lily finally managed to reign in her guffaws and put on her serious face. Sirius mistakenly thought that he now had her full attention, even if her eyes were still a little unfocused and every now and then she let out a random giggle.

"Well…"He gulped and forced himself to continue. Hysterical girls were seriously scary but he told himself that it was for the Greater Good- he just had to lay back and think of England. Metaphorically speaking. "I’m sorry, but I’m just worried about him." He looked at her with puppy dog eyes, hoping that she’d take him seriously and be won over.

She had ceased laughing uncontrollably but Sirius realised that she was still going to be a hard case to crack, as she raised a sceptical eyebrow.

"He looks fine to me." She glanced over to where James was giggling madly at Remus’ newly coloured bright orange hair, obviously not traumatised or upset in any way.

"Oh, but he covers it well. He’s dying inside." Sirius mentally cursed his friend for picking that moment to stop acting like a miserably git. James had been moping around all week since he’d been shown the error of his ways in the Evans department as he now knew what he had to do- ask her out. A daunting prospect. However, Sirius cheered when he realised what she’d said. "Do you mean okay- fine? Or fine- fine?" He winked.

Lily glared suspiciously at him. "Did Potty put you up to this? Or is this your own deranged creation?"

"My own deranged creation." He grinned proudly. "It’s just that James has been talking in his sleep lately. ‘Red…gorgeous…kiss…’ I thought it might be you, since you’re such a good friend and all."

Lily looked flustered, Sirius was pleased to notice. Flustered was good. That meant it effected her. Operation: Get-James-To-Admit-To-Fancying-Lily-Then-Ask-Her-Out-Successfully-While-Simultaneously-Making-Sirius-Look-Fantastic was in full swing.

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Tuesday 14th November

Earlier got v. v. mad. Kicked wall was so mad. Hurt like Hell.

Stupid boys again. Idiots.

Thought they could trick me but I’m too clever.

Was told Potter, who shall hereby be referred to as Stupid Boy #1, fancies me. HA! In itself, this would be v. unbelievable but was told said lie by Black, who shall hereby be referred to as Stupid Boy #2.

Do I look that thick? Must do.

Stupid Boy #2 was to get confession out of me (HA! WOULD NOT HAPPEN! NEVER SURRENDER!). Stupid Boys #1 and #2 would then play v. embarrassing prank. On me. Again. Hilarity ensues, I’m sure, for anyone who isn’t ME!

Hate Stupid Boys.

Must make list to feel better. Lists soothe. Lists calm. Lists relax. Lists bring about world domination. (MEMO TO SELF: Need new Obsession.)

WHY I HATE STUPID BOYS BY LILY EVANS

1.They are deeply stupid boys (and prank me when I’m PMS-ing. Do they not understand the wrath of the female?)

2.They are (damn them!) v. v. clever boys and beat me at nearly every damn subject. Did I mention that I hate stupid boys?

3.They are exceedingly immature (and find ‘arse’ a funny word. Morons.)

4.They are decidedly arrogant and assume (incorrectly!!) anything with a pulse finds then deeply attractive.

5.They are annoyingly attractive. (Why can’t boys I like be that nice-looking?)

6.They are mean (and insist on carrying out at least two surprise pranks a day on an unsuspecting student.)

7.They are mean to ME (and insist on carrying out at least two surprise pranks a day on an unsuspecting ME!!)

8.They are particularly obsessed with knickers, body fluids and Snape’s girly features. (What, are they in love with him or something?!)

9.They smell. (I’m running out of reasons now. This can’t be a good sign.)

10.They are nice, dammit! They are stupid, clever, immature, arrogant, attractive, mean, smelly, nice boys. I laugh, play, plot and prank with them. The Stupid Boys are my Stupid friends. I play stupid games, laugh at stupid things and pull stupid pranks.

Still. Mad. I’m meant to be one of them. Still they try to humiliate me. Stupid Boys. I hate them.

Lily.

P.S. I think I’m in love with Stupid Boy #1.

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A/N: I’ve just read this over again as I wrote it months ago and I suddenly realised that it isn’t as good as I remembered it being. It does get better as it goes along, but I must stress that it was always meant to be fluffy and stupid. Deeply stupid.

3. Quicksand

STUPID BOYS

CHAPTER 3: Quicksand

"Sirius, are you paying attention? I just said 'I won'. It's your cue to start wailing in defeat."

He tore his gaze away from where James was sidling up to Lily and finally took in the battlefield that was the chess board in front of him. "Did I lose already?"

Remus just grinned in triumph and replied "Set a new record, my friend. You must just have a natural talent for being crap at wizards' chess. I mean, I've never known someone to lose in three moves before."

Sirius frowned, now distracted from the scene that had begun to play out across the room. He was sure that Remus had cheated. In fact, he would be suspicious if he hadn't; any true Marauder would obviously cheat if the opportunity presented itself- how else would they win anything?

While Sirius was adamantly insisting that Remus was a big fat cheat, James was having troubles of his own. Evans.

"I swear, I'm not going to prank you! For crying out loud, will you stop being so bloody paranoid and talk to me!" James had decided, after what seemed like months of torturing himself about it, to tell Lily about what Sirius had pried out of him. However, she wasn't making it easy as she fervently accused him of just setting up a prank on her. When had she got so suspicious of his motives?

"You swear? You swear! I've heard you swear a million times about a million things that you never kept your promises about. Can you tell me what makes this time any different?" she challenged, and sat back in her armchair with a determined glint in her eyes.

"I not only swear, but I swear on my broomstick and my oh-so-admired natural charm and wit that I am not about to prank you," he said with a smile, a wink, and a helpful dash of the aforementioned charm and wit.

She sighed and looked at him with resignation. That was when he knew he'd won the first battle. He had no time, however, for even a quick cheer of triumph.

"You have five minutes."

James had just opened his mouth to speak when she raised a hand and interrupted him. "Before you start you should be warned-" She smiled menacingly, making James immediately wary. "If you do prank me then I'll take twenty points from Gryffindor and you'll be in detention faster than you can say 'Five hours cleaning Filch's lavatory.'"

He gulped, then eventually gathered his nerves together enough to begin. "Right…erm, well, really, what I wanted to say is, like, about you. And me…what I'm meaning to say is it's something I've been thinking about and I…just wanted to let you know," he finished, lamely.

He didn't know what to say. He liked to think he had the soul of a poet and right that second his articulacy and romantic spirit needed to produce some enchanting words to capture her heart. They got stage fright. They ran away like cowards from the pressure of the situation and went to hide under a table until all the drama was over and done with. Instead he had to manage with his mental constipation and talk about what he knew.

"It's like wizards' chess. Yeah, I'm like the knight and I've just taken your bishop…" At her blank look he decided to switch metaphors. "I know what it's like! In the Goblin Rebellion of 1612 that one Goblin Zrok Bigstalker was like me and you're that Mog Greatstink…" he trailed off as he realised that no girl would feel flattered at being compared to a Goblin and with what he wanted to tell her he was best off keeping on her good side. But still he had no idea what he should say. "Er… you know, we've been good friends for ages now and… something happened the other night to make me think- no, not really think- realise… It was Sirius who said-" He was just reaching the main point when she interrupted him.

"Sirius said?" she reiterated with a grimace and sat back in her armchair.

"Well, yeah, Sirius told me-"

"I can't believe you." Her voice was quiet but full of hurt and anger, which was, in James' experience, a lethal combination. He was dumbfounded- why was she acting this way before he'd said the potentially upsetting part?

"What are you going on about? I haven't finished-"

She stopped him with a glare. "I don't need to hear the rest. I know what this is all leading up to. Did you seriously think that I was that thick that I would fall for it?" she spat at him, obviously disgusted.

"But you don't know what I was going to say-" James was growing more desperate by the second. How in Hell could he tell the girl that he had a thing for her if she was adamantly insisting that she knew exactly what he was going to say and that he was horrible for saying it?

"I know exactly what you're going to say and you're horrible for saying it." She leaned forward and looked him in the eye with a wry, knowing smile. "'We've been friends for seven years and its been great but just recently I've wanted more. I wake up in the morning and all I see is you. You're the only one for me, blah, blah, blah.'"

James heart stopped in shock then shuddered to life again as he realised that she was not only right but she had articulated what he could not. God, he was pathetic.

"What did you expect me to say after hearing that? 'Oh, I love you too!' and then you and that prat would laugh yourselves silly!" she said bitterly and at his expression laughed derisively. "Don't look so shocked! You might have thought your plan was perfect but I'm not stupid- I know something's wrong when Sirius tries to have what he calls a 'serious conversation' with me. Priming me for the main event, or what?" She glanced over the where Sirius was avidly watching the scene unfold, shovelling chocolate frogs into his mouth and had the grace to go red when they both turned to glare at him.

"Padfoot has nothing to do with this." Almost, he silently added.

As she sneered disbelievingly James had an Epiphany. Well, not really an Epiphany, more of a moment of clarity. He saw her glaring threateningly at him and realised that he was letting her rant at him and wasn't attempting to protest, moan or even enrage her further. What was wrong with him? Okay, he was kinda in love with her but why should that change who he was? Normally, James wouldn't just cower at her explosion; he would face up to her. She didn't scare him. Much. He was normally courageous in these situations, whether Lily Evans was involved or not. He was a Gryffindor! He was supposed to be daring and brave! He had to be.

So he kissed her. Yes, he was an idiot, but he was also a Gryffindor and he had to do it if only for his Gryffindor pride. Or so he tried to tell himself. It couldn't possibly be because he wasn't only an idiot, he was an idiot in love. Of course not.

He quickly pulled her to him and covered her shocked lips with his. A warm tingling sensation rushed through his body at her touch, a heady mixture of adrenaline and pure lust, and he was sure she felt it too. After all, despite all her anger and apparent hostility towards him, to James' delight, she had melted into his arms. Who could resist?

Apparently, she could. She yanked away from him as suddenly as he had pounced and merely stared at him in utter and complete disbelief.

"I really do like you," James said simply. "A lot." He just hoped that she would sense his honesty and take him seriously for once. It was all her could do.

He didn't see her fist clenching at her side. Or even when she raised her arm and lowered her shoulder to steady herself. But he did see it as it came sailing towards his face.

He blinked and the next thing he knew he had tumbled backwards, knocking over an armchair, and was sprawled across the floor with a strange ache around his left eye. Lily loomed over him, a grimace on her face as she massaged her, now sore, knuckles. "I really do hate stupid boys. A lot."

Sirius, who had been watching the whole episode eagerly, saw the lightening punch that had floored James and jumped to his feet in delight (it had been a very dramatic new twist in his favourite real-life soap opera). In his excitement he knocked the chessboard flying into Remus' face, but he didn't care- finally, there was action on the Lily/James front. Rejoice, it's time for celebrations!

That was when he realised that, except for James' groans and mutterings, all had gone quiet in the common room. He slowly surveyed everyone until his gaze came to rest on his 'friend' Lupin. "YOU!!"

Remus had a look of 'deer-caught-in-headlights' about him. He was frozen to the spot, his hand still holding the extra chess pieces that had been hidden beneath the table before it had unexpectedly been upturned. Busted.

However, Sirius, unpredictable as ever, began a revised version of his victory dance. "I was right! I was right! I'm not a complete and total loser! Remus cheated!" he sang in pure exultation and skipped around the room happily until he tripped over something big and heavy and nearly broke his neck.

Everyone in the room was watching the kerfuffle and, disappointed as most were that Sirius hadn't actually broken his neck and ceased his godawful singing, they innocently turned back to what they were doing before Potter could maim them. Gossip was rife.

James grunted in pain at where Sirius had run into him and glared in a deadly threat. "Padfoot, you're a bloody prat!

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4. The Evil That Men Do

STUPID BOYS

CHAPTER 4: The Evil That Men Do

Thursday 16th November

Maim. Kill. Destroy. Maim. Kill. Destroy. Am eclectic mix of emotions right now: angry, angry, angry. No real thoughts at moment, simply three words. Three words that sum up my mind track: Potter. Must. Die.

Breathe…must stop destroying furniture. Must leave poor desk alone to heal. Must say sorry to beaten up chair.

There…feel better now. Less angry. Well, not less angry, less violent. A little bit less. Still want to throttle him.

So, can you guess what Stupid Boys #1 and #2 did? Yes, I knew it, you knew it, it was so obvious even bloody Peter knew it! Still, I didn't believe it. Thought was just being dramatic. But noooooo!! I was right! As always.

I hate Potter so much. Makes my blood boil. Fists clench. Teeth grind. Heart pound, dammit! Can't explain that bit. Tried numerous times to exorcise it. Didn't work. You know the thing- when legs turn to jelly and head is swimming? I hate that too.

Urghh! Bloody Potter! Why kiss me? Why complicate it? Why mess with my head? Why make the feelings I tried to cram down the toilet regurgitate?

That was what it was like! An overflowing loo. Unpleasant and vile. But it wasn't. It was lovely and soft and sweet and intensely embarrassing that I have actually just written that. I take it back- it was v. horrid! Incredibly heinous. Awful. Hideous. Repulsive. Romanti- dammit!

What's happening to me? Food poisoning? An evil love potion? Am I trapped in Hell and being tortured by the most excruciating thing that ever could happen actually happening? I can only dream.

Lily

P.S. I got him, though. HA! I got him good.

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Gossip was rife. Sirius knew it and he loved it. It fit perfectly well into his plan. People would talk, Lily and James would hear rumours and, of course, become outraged. Perfect! The entertainment value of them both trying to threaten the whole school into silence was, he was sure, going to be unsurpassable.

Meanwhile, as the rumours and scandal spread like the plague, he would work on James. He knew that he should also talk to Lily, but, right at that moment, he felt she wouldn't be especially…receptive to what he had to say. James, however pissed off he was about Sirius' interfering, was a boy. He was stupid. Sirius knew James and knew that he would listen to him, even if his last advice had got him a black eye.

It was in the Library one rainy afternoon when James succumbed to Sirius' nagging. He had been unusually defiant against his friend's suggestions for almost a week, which was virtually unheard of. Sirius could only admire James for his resolution even though he had never been in any doubt that eventually he would get to him. He always did.

"Padfoot, leave me alone. I don't want any more 'advice' or so-called 'help' from you," James said in sheer frustration. He was determined to not let Sirius meddle anymore but it was bloody difficult! He pestered him 24 hours a day, every day and James had even resorted to hiding in the Library, a place where Sirius had never ventured before in his entire life and never would. But no, Sirius had even gone so far as to sacrifice his reputation and actually enter the scary room lined with (shudder) books.

"Mate, I don't know why you're so suspicious of me! I've done nothing but wisely advise you." Sirius held up his hands in an attempt at calming James, who had just begun to protest rather loudly, and was gathering angry 'sush!'s from Madam Pince. "Ok, ok, maybe I was a little bit to blame for what happened but I must say, in the long run, you'll thank me."

James had turned extremely quickly from mildly annoyed to intensely outraged in just a few seconds, which was reflected in the shade of red he'd turned. Right now, he was poison apple ruby rapidly amplifying into a scarlet fever crimson. Sirius was a little nervous. "A little bit to blame? A little bit! You were a LOT to blame, you bloody great inbred! It was ALL YOUR FAULT!!"

"I wouldn't go as far as that-" James' eyes bulged and Sirius gulped. He hadn't said much but maybe he had annoyed his friend a little too much for one day.

"YOU were the one who told me I was in love with her! YOU were the one who told me to ask her out! And YOU were the one who did a bloody victory dance when I got punched!" James banged stood and banged his fists on the table in anger. Why couldn't Sirius just leave things alone? Why couldn't he not be a demented git all the time?

Sirius was getting worried. Not about Prongs all that much, but about the homicidal glares they were receiving from Madam Pince. How could he steer James out of the Library without provoking him further and still avoid the wrath of the Pincer? "OK, Prongs, I admit that I was wrong. I'm truly sorry from the depths of my terrible, terrible soul. Will you please, great master of all that is worthy, forgive me, your humble servant?" he grovelled melodramatically, sinking to the floor in penance.

'Bingo!' Sirius thought when James blatantly failed at holding in laughter.

"God, Padfoot, I didn't know you were that sorry. Maybe I should have you do my Potions homework as punishment," he considered as Sirius got to his feet and began to push him towards the door.

"Yeah, right, I can do that if you want an essay consisting of 'Potions are magic soups that usually don't involve vegetables of any kind, the end.'"

James snorted. "Didn't you get detention for that?"

As they stepped into the cold and lonely corridor, away from the horrors of the Librarian and her horrible, musty, evil books, Sirius grinned and replied, "Yup. That was a special one. With that lovely I broke the 100 mark."

"You're slipping. Only 100?"

"Ah, but that was only on the second week of school." Sirius was relieved. They had finally relaxed back into their easy banter instead of the explosive arguments every ten seconds. Maybe, just maybe, James would listen to him now…

"Before you say anything- no. No, no and another bit fat NO!" James held up a hand to silence him and grinned. He knew him too well. They'd stopped arguing so Sirius would, naturally, try to pester him with rubbish 'guidance' again. It was so predictable! "I will not listen to you. Look where it got me last time!" Ad Sirius opened his mouth to deny it again James interrupted him once more. "Don't even think about saying you weren't to blame. I will strangle you."

"Sorry… but if you just let me say what I have to say then you can take it all in and take my advice or not- it's your choice. After all, you do want to get Evans, don't you?" James was quiet as they rounded the corner and entered the Great Hall for dinner. Sirius knew from the silence that he had got him.

James sighed in resignation. Why had he ever though he could refuse to listen to Sirius? He always got through, damn him! "Go on then. What are your pearls of wisdom, oh wise one?"

Sirius grinned and took his seat opposite James. "Ah, well, now you come to mention it…"

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5. Misguided Fool

A/N: I just want to thank everyone for their great reviews- I appreciate them all. I have actually written up to around chapter 9 of stupid Boys so I probably will update much more frequently from now on.

STUPID BOYS

CHAPTER 5: Misguided Fool

James swiftly folded another paper aeroplane and launched it in the direction of the front row. She had screwed up his first three notes but maybe this time…

No. Another parchment wasted.

'It was worth it for the cause, though,' James decided. He didn't care what it took, he was going to get her attention whether she liked it or not. He was going to make her talk to him again. Even if all she did was call him a few names, comparing him to a giant squid or a gnome or something, and kick him up the bum, she'd still be talking to him. He didn't think he could stand the silence anymore.

"Lily!" he whispered across to her, but still she ignored him. "Psst! Lily!"

He knew that she had heard him because she turned her head away, but not before he saw the flash of annoyance in her eyes and the flair of her nostrils.

Maybe, he was getting off lightly with the silence.

He couldn't quite understand. He was just doing what Sirius said would work. Actually, thinking about it might be the reason why it wasn't working. It was Sirius' advice, why should he expect anything less?

As Professor Binns droned on and on monotonously James sighed. How could he win Lily over? Obviously, telling her straight out hadn't worked. Paying attention to her, as Sirius had insisted would work, hadn't. But then again, James had translated 'pay attention' into 'pester'. It was the only way he knew.

The bell rang and the class filtered out into the corridor, joining the crowd heading to the Great Hall for lunch and James sidled up to Lily.

"Hey, Evans. How are you? Well, obviously, you look well, no, you look great." As she increased her speed to get away from him James had to run to keep up with her and smiled nervously as he attempted to get her to speak to him. "What are you doing Saturday? Going to Hogsmede? So am I. Maybe I could see you there…?"

His heart sunk when she simply turned to look him in the eyes for the first time and glared at him coldly, before joining her friends at the Gryffindor table.

That was it. She was never going to talk to him again. What had he done? He had been happy with their friendship. He had enjoyed her company. He had liked that she used to treat him just as one of her friends. But he couldn't escape the fact that he had wanted more. James knew that he would never have been satisfied with just being friends. He would've had to express his feelings sometime or another, and now it had happened, at least he had got a kiss out of it. Ok, he had got a black eyes in return that hurt like Hell but it had been worth it. Now he would die a happy man, having kissed Lily Evans, having felt the fireworks, the spark, the bloody marvellous feelings of a man in love.

James shook his head in wonder. When had he got so completely cheesy? Probably around the same time he had told Lily Evans that he had a thing for her. Anyway, he didn't care if he came across as cliché he just wanted her to forgive him. And now he knew he would never stop trying to win her over.

James sneaked a glance over at Lily as was his daily lunchtime routine and then began to file his plate with mash potatoes, all the while a plan forming in his mind. Sirius had said the five main things sure to work were: attention, serenading, complimenting, gifts and poetry. He decided to ditch his first attempt paying her attention (AKA stalking her) and go on to another method.

As a strategy involving a banjo-playing Sirius, a maracas shaking Remus and himself singing Elvis style outside her bedroom window began to take shape in his mind he wondered if he had gone insane. He was taking Sirius' advice? But it was, for once, good advice! It was sure to work!

Maybe he should've gone to Remus.

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Friday 1st December

Death? No, its too good for him. He deserves pain. Lots of pain. He needs to pay. What for? Pestering, serenading, annoying. Prank made me mad but I thought it was over. Finished. But, noooo! Bloody Potter, bloody annoying, bloody embarrassing, bloody, bloody, bloody Hell!!

Seriously homicidal at 3am. With the singing and singing and singing. Yes, combine broomsticks outside my window, Stupid Boys, banjos, maracas and an Elvis song sung v. badly and you've got the picture. Sweet, eh? Suicidal, more like. Was funny though when fell off broom. How is it my fault his head got in the way of my paperweight? Heard Potter refused treatment. Have no sympathy! Must like pain. Ah! That is why he follows me all day! Waiting for me to explode and cause him pain. Won't have long to wait.

Why carry on with prank? Do they hate me that much? Must do. Must know I…used to, once upon a time, a v. long time ago, in what feels like a Galaxy far, far away, kinda- like- stupid boy no.1. Not anymore though. Not now. Actually I never did really. Just friends. Friendly feelings. I didn't fantasise or dream or wish or hope…nope. Never did. Ever. Really.

Strangely confused. Hate him but I miss him. I miss my good friend. Now, all I've got is him, the stupid, annoying, Elvis-singing him. The Idiot Boy Wonder is here to stay and James is gone. I've lost him for good.

Lily.

P.S. Paper aeroplanes. How I hate them.

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He crouched beneath the dark table and breathed in a sigh of relief. Safe. For now. She was still hunting him and Sirius was way too stubborn and way too scared of her to surrender. His only option was to wait it out.

"BLACK!!"

Maybe, he should run. Yes, running sounded like a great idea. Sirius peered out from under the table cloth and, deciding the coast was clear, bolted, heading for the Boys Dormitory and the sanctuary it represented.

Inches from freedom, Sirius felt his stomach flip over with dread as a hand closed around his collar and yanked him off his feet. He was flat on his back and staring fearfully up into the enraged eyes of his future murderer. Evans.

Sirius, however, simply got to his feet gracefully and slowly brushed off his robes, all the while still feeling her gaze burning him. He looked up in surprise as if he was shocked to see her and smiled his ever-so-charming smile. "Ah! Evans, there you are! I know you can't resist stalking me, but, really, this little obsession has got to stop." He frowned pityingly at her and said "I'm flattered but I feel your passion for sadism is really going too far. What would James say?"

But Lily was not to be reeled in. Sirius felt rather cheated that his ever so well thought out speech had achieved nothing. Except to give her enough time to catch her breath and therefore allow her to continue her Sirius-bashing.

She stood with one foot tapping impatiently , and eyebrow raised in cynicism and fists clenching with anticipation. Sirius was deflated. Defeated. He would get pummelled and then James would do a victory dance. But it wouldn't be as effective as his- Sirius' had the power to be simultaneously attractive to girls and extremely macho. James just looked like a berk. At least Sirius had that to console himself with. A last happy thought before he died.

"What is wrong with you? Are you insane? Delusional? Or just incredibly thick? Masochistic?" Now Lily, thank God, looked rather…merciful. Sirius was baffled. The Queen of Pain was taking pity on someone? Taking pity on him? How could it be?

However, Lily wasn't done with him. She had put the fear of God into him, but, apparently, that wasn't enough. With a murderous look in her eyes she leaned forward and whispered to him in a deadly tone, "You dare to tell anyone about what you know, you die. You think about telling anyone and I'll cut off your fingers, one by one. Insinuate something? The ears go. Talk to me about him again? The nose." As if that wasn't enough, it was what she said next that would haunt his nightmares for many weeks to come. "You mention me and him in the same sentence and it'll be a fate worse that death for you." She smiled evilly. "Snip, snip goes all that lovely, luscious hair."

"NO!!" Sirius all but screamed, making a few people turn to see what all the fuss was about. He didn't care what they thought- he just wished he'd never even started Operation: Get-James-To-Admit-To-Fancying-Lily-Then-Asking-Her-Out-Successfully-While-Simultaneously-Making-Sirius-Look-Fantastic. He had just been trying to help out! Was it his fault that he just so happened to be casually walking past the girls dormitory when he noticed her diary was calling to him? Was is his fault that the lock had just fallen off? It might have been but still he didn't deserve threats over his hair. His HAIR!! He prided himself on his macho image but the hair was an essential ingrediant in his handsomeness! He wouldn't be gorgeous without it!

He pushed away from The Evil One and ran out of the common room in sheer terror. He couldn't go back to his dorm- she'd be in Gryffindor Tower, waiting for him. He had to hide. That's it! He'd hide!

And so Sirius The Stupid ran away to find the perfect place to hibernate for the Winter, while Lily leaned back in her armchair in satisfaction. Stupid Boys could be such big girls blouses.

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6. Losing It

STUPID BOYS

CHAPTER 6: Losing It

The poor bunnies. And lions, and tigers, and bears. All gutted. Oh, my. James could've wept for them. It broke his heart to know that he was the cause of the horrible deaths of so many. Even if they were only cuddly toys.

"Prongs, what are you sulking about?" At his mournful expression Remus sighed in exasperation. It must be the bunnies again. Lily had disposed of his gifts most…violently and James had not taken it too well. In fact, he'd insisted on rescuing their remains from a fate worse than death- the Girls dormitory- and giving them a proper burial.

"She killed some more. Why does she hate me? Why won't she swoon at my generous nature and devastating good looks? Why did she have to disembowel Snuffles? He was my favourite and she knew it! I even put a little bow around his neck…"

Remus watched as his friend pouted. What had happened to him? Not long ago he hadn't been this pathetic. He didn't sigh every time you mentioned Evans or anything remotely connected. He didn't insist on dragging them outside at one in the morning to bury the remnants of cuddly toys recently dispatched by Evans. He didn't daydream all the time.

It was just wrong. The Universe had gone insane. No, scratch that, James had gone insane. He should be laughing at Sirius moaning over girls. He should be taking the piss out of Snape all the time. He should be obsessing over Quidditch, not Lily Evans! But Remus was wise enough to know inevitably the change would be for the best- he'd get the real Prongs back sooner or later. Besides, since when has a Marauder resisted the temptation of Slytherin-annoying?

"Hey, Prongs, fancy turning Snape into a ballerina?"

To Remus' complete and utter shock and horror James shook his head

regretfully. "Sorry, mate, but I've got this poem to finish-"

"That's it!" James started at Remus' angry yell and whipped around to stare at his friend in shock. Moony never got mad, even when they had turned his hair green or when they had told Jenna Singleton that he fancied her when he hadn't. She'd followed him around for two weeks smiling at him, but, still, he never said a word. So why was he angry now?

"What's wrong with you?"

"What's wrong with me?! What's wrong with you? Are you on drugs? A love potion? What is it?" Remus stared at his fellow marauder whose befuddled expression gave him the look of a very stupid goldfish.

"Huh? Nothing's wrong."

Remus snorted. "Yeah, right Of course nothing's wrong. 'Cos you always write

poetry instead of hexing Snape! It's this Lily thing, isn't it?" He stopped pacing the room and scratched his head, now deep in thought. "It started last month…the black eye…serenading…making me play the tambourine…the poetry…why? Is it for a joke?"

James looked up angrily and said, "Of course it's not a joke. Why would I do that? I'm not that mean!"

"But Lily thinks you are." Now that he had calmed down a bit, Remus was analysing the situation. James asks Lily out, Lily accuses James of pranking her, Lily punches James, James pesters Lily, Sirius giggles a lot and talks about some stupid Operation he's conducting…

"YOU!!" Sirius had slammed the door open and was in mid-run when he froze at the angry shout. He was in complete shock when he saw an angry Remus march towards him. An angry Remus. Not a calm Remus, a thoughtful

Remus, or even a confused Remus, but an angry one? It must be a trick of

the light.

"Moony?"

"It's your fault he's like this!" Remus, uncharacteristically, fumed. "It's all your fault he's this weak, this soppy, this loved-up, this- this- PATHETIC!!"

"Hey!" The lovesick boy in question protested from where he sat on his bed, ignored by his friends.

"Shut up, it's none of your business. This is between me and Sirius," said Remus, rendering James speechless. Since when had his own love life not been any of his business?

"'All your fault'…hmmm…'All your fault'…Are you trying to insinuate something?" Sirius scratched his chin, thoughtfully.

Remus was ruffled. It didn't happen often but this time he was definitely ruffled. No, actually, he was more stinking mad than ruffled. He was so stinking mad that it took every ounce of self control he had to stop himself from strangling Sirius. It was the Moon's fault. It was, after all, 'that time of the month', but, then again, Sirius deserved it. Why shouldn't he die for turning James into a simpering wreck?

Sirius could see that the wolf in him was ready to maim, kill, destroy and was just starting to back away slowly when footsteps could be heard stomping up the stairs to their dorm. He spun around to come face to face with one pissed off Evans and gulped. This didn't bode well.

"Oh, hello, Sirius! Looking a little nervous, are we? It's not anything to do with the fact that you broke one of my rules? Am I right in saying that you told a Ravenclaw girl something that we agreed would result in your injury if you uttered a word about it?" She smiled sympathetically at him.

After all, she had to pity him- he was about to lose his hair.

"No…NO!! H-how did you find out? She promised she wouldn't say anything!" Sirius was now frantically trying to make his mind conjure up an ingenious plan to get him out of the situation in a way that would leave all his body parts- including hair- intact. Unfortunately, his brain had short-circuited the second she'd entered the room. Well, wouldn't yours if faced with the prospect of being scalped?

"She didn't say anything. Never forget, my soon to be bald friend, that I have my sources. I know what you do, when you do it, where you do it. I know who you talk to and what you say. I know what you think." She leaned forward and grinned wickedly. "I know everything."

Sirius stumbled backwards, trying to put as much distance between her and his hair as possible, and bumped into something. He spun, came face to face with a still fairly mad Remus, who was obviously just itching to cause him physical injury, and backed away again, slowly. He stopped dead and looked from one bestial grin to another. Trapped. How had this happened to him? He had simply been rushing to get his magic camera before Malfoy turned flesh-coloured again, when he had been accosted. He hadn't hurt anybody. He hadn't pranked anybody who wasn't Malfoy. Yet still he suffered!

Sirius sighed and did the only thing that a Stupid Boy under pressure could do- he ran.

Straight out the window.

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James ran a frustrated hand across his face and sighed. He was tired. So very tired. He had heard his friends gradually dissolve into snores and mumbled dreams, while he had been left in the land of the living, bored stupid. It had been the same for the past two weeks- tossing and turning, thinking of her. His love. His obsession.

How he hated her.

She was simultaneously the light of his life and the bane of his existence. If you had put him on the spot he wouldn't have been able to name five things he liked about her. However, what he could tell you was what he hated. She punched him, she ignored him, she threatened his best friend and she had even gutted little Snuffles! She was horrible and yet strangely appealing…

It was a comfort to James that Sirius also seemed to be completely screwed up by her, albeit only in the sense that he was scared witness of her, a fact that had been demonstrated just that afternoon. He had jumped out of the window to escape her wrath and was found clinging on to the ledge by his fingertips. Anything to protect his hair.

'What an idiot!' he thought, all the while smiling at his friends inability to deal with girls. James knew that he wasn't much better but at least he didn't jump out of windows anytime a girl threatened him with scissors.

It wasn't hair threats that scared James, though. If she attacked him with a pair of scissors he'd probably welcome it- after all, he was always in need of a free hair cut. No, for him his greatest fear was what she was going to say when she realised that he was serious about her. Would she cry? Would she laugh in his face? Punch him again? He was optimistically hoping for a smile and a kiss but it was, he thought cynically, more likely that she'd announced her undying love for Snape than for him.

Resigned to the fact that sleep wasn't going to come anytime soon, James grabbed his diary- no! NOT his diary! His journal, his manly and completely non-girly journal- grabbed his journal and quill and crept stealthily into the Common Room, careful not to wake anyone up. He sprawled across the sofa by the dwindling fire and thoughtfully surveyed the room, searching for some sort of inspiration, something to make his brain switch into romantic mode.

"Your hair is like the curtains in the Gryffindor Common Room- no, it doesn't exactly have a ring to it…your smile reminds me of a flobberworm- crap…eyes like a snitch, smile like a light switch…rubbish…once, twice, three times a lady- God, so cheesy…" It went on like that for an hour- pen poised, brain frozen. Eventually, James was reduced to stealing lines from bad songs and attempting to use them as his own. He decided to call it quits when he got as far as trying to adapt 'Little Donkey' to fit his purpose. He needed help. He was such a crap poet.

Actually, he was pretty crap at everything. Ok, ok, yes he did get good grades and all that, but he wasn't good at anything important. He wasn't as funny or good-looking as Sirius, he wasn't as laid-back or cool as Remus, he wasn't even as 'cute' as Peter. He was 'the other one'. At least, he thought so. How could she like him? He was nothing, she was everything. He grinned. For God's sake, she even turned him into a gibbering idiot and made Sirius almost voluntarily plunge to his death in an attempt to escape!

Thinking back over what had happened earlier that day and what had been said James groaned. Remus had been right- he was pathetic! He hadn’t seen it before but what he’d said had made James realise what a complete and utter buffoon he’d been- no, scratch that- what a complete and utter buffoon he’d been for listening to Sirius. Stalking her? Serenading her? Cuddly toys? Telling her his feelings in the first place? What had he been thinking? Since when did Sirius, of all people, know how to successfully pursue a girl? It was the equivalent of Peter giving him Transfiguration advice! Yes, James decided, Sirius would have a nice, restful sleep before he killed him in the morning.

James sighed in defeat and began to doodle. As well as drawing little sketches of Lily and the traditional L.E + J.P 4 EVA, he made a few lists to help him in his plight. Lists calm. Lists soothe. He hated bloody lists but in his desperation he figured it wouldn’t hurt to be a bit more organised. Besides, maybe Lily would be bowled over by his magnificent ability to compile lists! It could happen! God, he so needed a new obsession.

He spent the next half hour putting his weird and disjointed thoughts down onto parchment, among them lists titled ‘Why I Hate/Love Lily Evans by James Potter‘, ‘Thing Sirius Stupidly Says Will Make Her Like Me by James Potter‘ and ‘Ten Reasons Why I‘m An Idiot and She Could Never Like Me by James Potter‘.

James put down his quill and scratched his chin. He had the nasty feeling that if anyone found this dia- journal a) he would die of embarrassment; b) the reader would die from laughing so hard; and c) the whole school would know about it in less than five seconds.

He shivered and realised for the first time that all he was wearing was the bunny boxers he’d gone to bed in. Maybe he should go back to his dorm before someone found him and his embarrassing underwear.

He unfolded his limbs, yawning and stretching his tired body, then simply stood and silently watched the flickering flames of the fireplace. He was frozen to the spot, lost deep in his thoughts, when suddenly he caught a movement out of the corner of his eye. James spun on the spot and stared intently at the doors leading to each dormitory. He could have sworn he’d seen a flash of something- green…After a few seconds of glaring at the empty room he shook himself and made his way back to bed. He was losing it.

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A/N: Sorry its been a while but I’ve been busy and I’ve had personal stuff to deal with. You’ll be happy to know that I have got up to chapter 9 written and its just a case of typing them up. I’ll try to be quick but you know reviews always help…

7. Trials and Tribulations

STUPID BOYS

CHAPTER 7: TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS

Boredboredboredboredboredboredboredboredboredboredboredboredboredboredboredboredboredbored. So bored. Lily sighed and pulled back the slingshot to rest against her cheek. She had a fork full of peas and she wasn’t afraid to use it, but one very important factor was still to be resolved- who to splat? Sirius? Potter? Hmmm…Potter was being extremely annoying.

"Go out with me."

"No."

"Go out with me."

"No."

"Go out with me."

"No."

"Go out with me."

"No."

‘Yes,’ she decided, ‘Potter definitely deserves to feel the wrath of the peas.’ Maybe it’d shut him up. Maybe it’d make him suddenly develop the mentality of someone over 5 years old. She could hope. Besides, even if it didn’t work it’d still be damn funny!

She took a deep breath, steadied her firing arm and concentrated on the aim. Lily was ready to go, ready to shoot when-

Shit.

Sirius had elbowed her hard in the ribs as he plonked himself into the seat next to her and her arm had been jolted suddenly. The catapult that had been so carefully directed at James had swiftly altered positions and in her surprise Lily let go.

She was strangely calm compared to how she usually dealt with these situations- with panic- and simply watched in a numbed state of shock as the peas shot over an oblivious James' shoulder, sailing for what seemed like forever, in a great arc across the Hall and hit a disgruntled-looking Professor right between the eyes.

Lily gulped down her alarm and quickly ducked her head as the victim scoured the room angrily for the culprit. She dispensed of the weapon responsible, picked up a spoon and hastily began to shovel pumpkin soup into her mouth at an alarming rate.

Then the panic arrived on the late train. Yes, it'd been held up a bit at 'Ignoring-It-Ville' and 'In-Shock-Town' but it had finally made it just in time to see McGonagall charge across the room.

As the formidable teacher neared them plans and ideas ran through Lily's mind, breaking the speed limit for coherent thought. Did McGonagall know it was her? Could she go back in time and change it? What about 'obliviate'? No. It was the simple plans that worked the best.

"Sirius, why don't you try the peas? Go on, they're really nice…In fact, have mine."

Ok, it was a bit mean to implicate the not guilty but Lily had decided that the best way to prove her innocence was to prove someone else's guilt. Come on, it wasn't as

though he didn't deserve it! Just that morning in Herbology he'd thrown a bucketful of dirt at Lily and found it hysterically funny. The boy was a moron! And he had read her diary.

The plan worked as the indignant Professor marched straight past her and up to Sirius who froze as she approached, a spoon full of peas half way to his mouth and a befuddled look on his face.

At that point in time Lily started to believe what Sirius had always said- she was evil. She must have been because she found it highly entertaining to see The Stupid One being dragged out of the Great Hall for a crime that for once he hadn't committed.

But she soon got bored again…

"Go out with me."

"No."

"Go out with me."

"No."

"Go out with me."

"No."

"Go out with me."

"No."

'Ah!' she suddenly remembered, her eyes lighting up and her mind jumped into action. 'I was going to pea Potter, wasn't I?' Finally she had something to do that didn't involve wondering how Dumbledore kept his hair so shiny!

She loaded up her spoon carefully and cast a suspicious glare over her shoulder- if she was caught this time she'd be done for. But the coast was clear so the mash potato sailed across the table with just a flick of her wrist.

James stopped mid-asking her out and stared in astonishment. After a moment he slowly wiped his splattered glasses to see her evil grin beaming at him. He was quick to grab a handful of ice cream and lob it across the table but she was quicker. She ducked and was just about to give a triumphant cheer when she heard the splat.

Potter was dead now.

The whole of the enemy house turned to glare at him as if they were one giant entity, under the command of the Slytherin who had been splattered- Malfoy. It seriously creeped Lily out and she decided that they must shared a brain between the lot of them- either that or they had a psychic link. Or they could be Borg drones and Malfoy was the Borg Queen! She was, however, distracted from her growing ever more ludicrous theories as a rain of pumpkin pastries descended on the Gryffindors.

Lily decided that maybe it hadn't been that fantastic an idea to start another food fight. Last time she'd got so close to being discovered McGonagall had actually been half way through giving her a detention and cursory lecture before she could think up a reason why all of it was Sirius' fault. That had been close, too close.

Lily dodged a lethal-looking banana that was aimed at her head and quickly dived under the table, thinking that that was probably the best time to make a hasty retreat. Yes, she was wimping out, but who wanted to stay and get drenched in pumpkin soup?

So she made her way on hands and knees under the table towards freedom from food and dreadful noise of her classmates, people she knew, had worked alongside, dropping like flies due to too many pumpkin pastries to the head. She had just jumped up, dusted herself down and began to creep away from the horrific war zone when she felt heavy hands land upon her shoulders and spin her around.

Potter grinned at her, infuriatingly. "Where do you think you're going? You started it, therefore I must finish it." That was when, to her horror, she noticed both the manic gleam in his eyes and the custard pie he had lifted from the table.

"You dare, moron, and I will personally make sure you burn in Hell you- you- you scruffy-looking scoundrel!" she fumed. Ok, she had started it but she couldn't take that from Potter lying down. Who would just allow some Stupid Boy to shove a pie in their face with no resistance whatsoever?

Once again James just laughed, not in the least perturbed by her warnings. Once upon a time he would've weed his pants at such a threat from her but over the years he'd had too many violent promises off her to believe anything she said anymore. "You didn't use to be angry at me all the time. What have I done?"

She almost screamed in his face. He didn't think he'd done anything wrong? What about, hmm, pranking her horribly? Or kissing her? Annoying her? God, he even bloody serenaded her! But she wouldn't give him the satisfaction of blowing up at him. "Excuse me, I am not angry. I am righteously indignant, thank you very much!" she said in a controlled voice, using all her will power. "And if you can't figure out what you've done you're stupider than you look. No…sorry, that would be pretty impossible, wouldn't it?" With that last cutting insult she began to turn away but was held back by a firm grip. "For God's sake! What is it now?"

"Go out with me?" He raised his eyebrows hopefully. It was worth a shot- after all, what could he lose? Knowing Evans, probably the ability to procreate but what the Hell… It actually looked like she wasn't going to either: a) hit him; b) ignore him; or c) hit him hard enough to knock him out. She was smiling and leaning in and he was dreaming and he wasn't and he couldn't believe it…

Lily moved closer to James, batted her eyelashes and utterly captivated him. She took the pie out of his hand, disarming him and he was oblivious as she lifted the large jug over his head. As soon as she tipped it, he jumped out of his spell and took upon the disappointed yet still slightly impressed look of a man who knew he'd been duped.

"Does that answer your question?" Now it was Lily's turn to grin as she watched the gravy drip off the end of his nose. She was quite disturbed to discover that being covered in gravy really did suit him. He looked all messy and annoyed and disappointed and cute- wait! Not cute! No, no, no, never cute. Oh God, she was doing it again. Arguing with herself over James Potter. So she decided to depart while he was still speechless. It was probably the best for everyone if they didn't escalate another one of their fights into something involving her fist and his face, and, lets face it, that was really easy when James was in such an annoying mood and Lily was bored. What a bad combination.

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She knew where she was going. They were all preoccupied with being pelted with pastries or getting shouted at or something so the coast would be clear. The boys dorm. It was the perfect time to search for incriminating evidence. Ok, it was wrong, but really who cares about 'personal privacy' anymore? Black had read her bloody diary! She had every right to rummage through his belongings!

Having convinced herself that it was all perfectly legitimate and in no way sneaky and underhanded, Lily opened the door leading to what would from that time on be referred to as Hell.

She wasn't surprised in the least to discover that it was such a stereotypical teenage boy's room. Posters to drool over, empty chocolate frog packets, bottles of Butterbeer, clothes scattered across the floor, rubbish piled up in a corner, none of the beds made, and Lily could've sworn that it looked (and smelled) like something green and fuzzy had crawled underneath one of the beds to die. In fact, it looked rather like the girls' dormitory, but they would never admit that- girls were meant to be tidy and clean and hygienic and that illusion would always be maintained.

Lily attacked the first pile of junk that she found gathered around one of the beds in hopes of finding some illegal ingredients or something that allowed them to carry out their pranks- maybe a secret map or an invisibility cloak…? However, she found nothing but school notes labelled 'Peter Pettigrew' and she so wasn't interested in him.

The next bed appeared to be Remus' so she left it as it was- he had helped her scare Sirius into stupidly jumping out of the window so he was on her good side at the moment. He didn't need incriminating.

The central bed was where something changed for her. The area surrounding it seemed (marginally) less gruesome than the rest of the room so Lily was immediately suspicious of it. What sort of weirdo boy actually tidied his room?

As she began to rifle through the cabinet beside the bed she was suddenly struck by a wave of guilt that washed through her. What the Hell was she doing rooting around in someone's drawers? How would she like it if someone searched her room? But then her conscience froze mid-guilty thought as she spotted it. It looked like a diary…

Interest piqued (what kind of boy kept a diary?) Lily decided to take a quick peek. It wouldn't hurt, would it? It was the Holy Grail of Holy Grails- she'd finally know what went on inside a boy's head! She wasn't sure she wanted to know but it was too good an opportunity to miss- if it was Sirius' she'd have ammunition to last her years!

So she sat on the soft bed and slowly, gingerly, opened the leather bound book, unknowingly holding her breath.

The first words that greeted her as she selected a page at random were 'Ten Reasons Why Lily Evans Is the Woman for Me' and she slammed it shut again, knowing exactly whose diary it was.

Did she really want to know how his twisted logic worked? She found the answer was 'yes' and opened it at the first page.

'The Trials and Tribulations of James Potter. The Dude with an Attitude.'

Oh dear. It would be a predictable and ever-so tedious insight into a stupid boy's mind. But Lily decided to treat it as a scientific experiment- exactly how idiotic could one boy be without realising his own stupidity? She had no doubt it would be a fascinating

study.

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A/N: Sorry for the wait but I've been at university for 2 months now and I have no internet in my room so I barely get to go on the net at all now. And I keep forgetting.

8. Poetic Licence

STUPID BOYS

CHAPTER 8: POETIC LICENCE

Monday 11th December

God, he makes me so mad! Why can't he just stay a stupid boy so I can ignore him? Instead, he had to be nice and funny and lovely and I hate him! I do, I definitely hate him. Well, not hate, maybe…dislike greatly?

Befuddled. Yep, I'm oh-so confused, yet again. Why? Three words: James Potter's Diary. Sorry- journal.

I really want to hate him but how can I? It's all about me. Every page. Page One- What I Love About Lily Evans. Page Two- Ten Reasons Why Lily Evans Is Perfect. Page Three- How Fantastic Lily Evans Was Today In Charms.

V. Obsessive. Completely shocking. Should be about boy things like…snot and pranks and sport NOT about me. Feel v. violated. I don't belong in a boy's thoughts!

What do I do? Carry on hating him? Or start liking him again? Ughh! It's so bloody flummoxing! Why do I get myself into these situations?

Lily.

P.S. Ok, I've discovered the boy I've liked for years really does like me back- but why do I keep blushing and giggling girlishly when I think of it? It's not natural!!!

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Here it goes.

James took a deep breath, calmed his quaking stomach and pushed through the throng of students on their way to class. Then he saw her. His light. His life. Yes, all these sickening things she was to him and more. Even though he knew she didn't, couldn't, feel the same way, he had to try. He was a Gryffindor. He would persevere. Ok, some would call it pestering and annoying relentlessly but he saw it simply as being steadfast and faithful to the woman he loved. Of course, he was slightly delusional.

"Lily, er, hi there. Erm, I-well- can I…speak to you?" he stuttered and instantly hated himself. He sounded completely moronic! What was wrong with him?!

But instead of glaring/ ignoring/ punching she simply stopped, looked straight at him and said, "You are speaking to me. What do you want?"

In his shock his jaw hit the ground and he stared at her blankly. What…? But- Why…? She was being nice to him! It was a miracle! Praise the Lord! Hallelujah! Well, maybe she wasn't actually being nice per say but she definitely wasn't being openly hostile! That was something, wasn't it?

"Are you just going to stand there gawking like an idiot all day or is there actually a reason that you're making me late for class?"

Ah! There was the pissed off Evans again. He'd gotten worried for a second there, thinking that maybe she'd been abducted by aliens and replaced with a Carbon copy that had freakishly supernatural powers to torture humans with the ability to turn any male within a radius of fifty yards to mush…Maybe he's had too much coffee that morning.

"I just wanted to give you this. I wrote it for you." He handed her a sepia-coloured piece of parchment that was embossed in fancy gold writing and felt immensely proud of himself. This was sure to make her fall for him!

He could've sworn he'd seen a small smile flitter across her face as she reached for it and sent him a curious glance but that was soon to be forgotten as she began to read the poem and stilled perfectly. At first he thought he'd stunned her with his romantic soul, but when her face drained and her eyes flickered up from the parchment to stare accusingly at him, his stomach flipped over. She didn't look like she'd fallen for his romantic gesture…

"Why? I can't believe you thought you needed to- Why did you need to?" she said quietly, her large eyes torturing him with their depth of feeling. What had he done to upset her?

It was the disappointment in her expression as she screwed up the paper and threw it on the floor that tore at him. He was left feeling terrible for hurting her.

He was jogged out of his self-destructing reverie when a warm hand clapped him on the back and another ruffled his hair. "Mate! Why so glum? Evans hit you again?"

The cavalry had arrived in good spirits and James knew that his friends would make him feel better and help him devise the next method of seducing Lily. He shrugged at Sirius and covered up his confusion over Lily's reaction to his poem. "Surprisingly, no. She just…ran away."

"Well, you are pretty scary, you know. With the whole 'I worship at the altar of the Goddess Lily Evans' thing." Remus grinned at his friend. "Can't blame her for trying to get away A.S.A.P."

James' indignant frown lasted all of a ninth of a second before he gave up on trying to fool anyone and just nodded in agreement. He was acting mildly disturbing in his complete obsessiveness and utter adulation for the girl.

"Anyway, what was it this time? Another one of Padfoot's woefully rubbish seduction methods backfire as they always inevitably do?" Remus rolled his eyes as that provoked an incensed "Hey!" from the Master Plan Former himself.

"No, I just- gave her…" James rubbed the back of his neck uncomfortably. It was embarrassing enough to have given a girl a poem in the first place but to have her throw it back at him was excruciating and he wasn't sure he wanted to give Remus a years worth of jibing material.

Remus, however, hadn't got a clue, but was beginning to grow more and more suspicious due to Sirius biting his lip trying to hold in the inevitable hysterics, strange snorting noises creeping past his defences. "You gave her what? A leather whip? Your still beating heart? What?"

"Er…" James decided to confess before Sirius exploded as he was now doubled over taking short gasps. "That." He pointed to the screwed up piece of paper and cringed.

Puzzled, Remus picked it up unfurled it, and instantly realised what a huge nincompoop his friend was. Poetry?!! Ok, he could understand the logic behind it and it was a romantic gesture, but there was one glaringly obvious and extremely large flaw in the plan. However, he would get to that later. "Ok, poetry it is." He burst out laughing at his friend's patheticness then, after a compulsory storm of giggles and a mandatory round of death threats from an indignant James, Remus tried hard to focus on the task at hand- damage control. "Well, at least you didn't say you'd written it."

James went red and grinned nervously. "Er…"

There it was. The fatal flaw bigger than a giant's backside. "You didn't! You complete cretin! Do you even know what this poem is? Ok, just poetry I could've dealt with, but this…? I don't know. I mean, come on, man! How culturally retarded are you? 'I wander'd lonely as a cloud'- how did you not know? Of course, Evans is going to know it, its one of the most famous muggle poems and to be honest, I can't blame her for throwing it back at you!" Remus stormed, torn between anger and amusement. It was funny that James was such a nitwit.

James had by this time turned completely tomato coloured in embarrassment, but strangely enough he still had his shovel out and continued to dig himself into a deeper and deeper hole with every word he said. "Sirius told me to do it!" he finally blurted out in a rush. With that, the Guilty one grinned nervously and began to inch away from the accusing glares being slung at him.

"Ah! The Master Schemer himself!" Remus sighed, finally calm, then turned to James with a look of disappointment. "Prongs, you should have known better. Why did you listen to him? How many times has he got it wrong about girls? I mean, serenading? You? For God's sake, anyone who isn't deaf can tell that you are, without a doubt, the worst singer the Earth has ever seen-or should that be heard?"

James was rather insulted by the really quite unnecessary abuse on his ego. He thought he had a nice voice. It did seem to be able to shatter both glass and eardrums but that was just a little idiosyncrasy, wasn't it? Anyway, he decided to let that pass. After all, Remus was getting on to the good stuff- the non-Sirius influenced, sure-fire, guaranteed to work, Girl Advice.

"Now first we need to do some damage control…"

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A/N: Hope you enjoyed it- please review if you liked it (and even if you didn't)

9. Life Without

STUPID BOYS

CHAPTER 9: Life Without

Leave her alone. Leave her alone. Leave. Her. Alone. It sounded easy enough, but James was finding it just a trifle difficult. It was against everything that Sirius had instilled in him and he doubted he could ever get past being obsessive over her. In fact, he could just go and say 'hi', linger for a bit and pester her for a couple of hours…Maybe then she'd suddenly realise how much he liked her and jump into his arms!

'Not likely' the annoying little voice in his head remakred, sounding strangely enough like Moony.

James sighed with resignation. The voice was right, Moony was right- annoying her relentlessly was never ever going to work, however much he wanted it to. He'd have to try it the Remus way and leave her alone.

It was pure Hell.

Whenever he unconsciously began to crane his neck to get a good view of her in lessons he had to zap himself with his wand to make him snap out of it. Whenever he had seen her in the corridors Remus had to grab him, forcibly restrain him and drag him in the opposite direction. Whenever he began to daydream, which was unfortunately frequent, Sirius had taken it upon himself to slap him across the back of the head.

But it had worked.

After a few weeks or so James found the torture somewhat bearable and, to his surprise, he found that life without Lily was rather peaceful and calming for his nerves without having to concern himself with watching or pestering her all the time.

Even so, when his eyes were drawn to her, as they always inevitably were, he couldn't help but miss her telling him to bugger off. Even when they were friends sh had delighted in insulting him and he had delighted in the way her eyes lit up as she called him an irritating little flobberworm. Yes, it was peaceful, but life just wasn't- wasn't- interesting. She made it all interesting. She made his life special.

And so it was, after almost a month of being Evans deprived and despite Remus' hopes that time away from her would cure him of his obsession, James finally came to the conclusino that he was just as in love with her as ever.

He held the Quidditch magazine that he was 'reading' in front of him and, in what was his version of a secretive manner, watched her do her homework. She was beautiful; her bright hair was pulled up in a messy ponytail, revealing the creamy pale skin of her long neck and the soft, flickering light of the roaring fire played upon her features, giving her an unearthly glow as she bit her lip in concentration. Without meaning to or realising it, she heated his blood and made him go weak with desire that burned in his eyes. For once, he was in a serious mood and frowned as he stared at her, trying to understand what was going on. He felt strange. He felt as if something inside was screaming at him to do something, but he had no idea what.

But then she glanced up at him and his eyes caught hers and she blinked, startled at the intensity of his gaze but as she tore her eyes away back to her essay he noticed a soft blush creep up across her features.

He smiled faintly at that, knowing that soon, very soon, she would understand. She would understand that he was serious and he'd make her understand that, whether she wanted it or not, they were destined to be together.

That it, if she didn't throttle him first.

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Tuesday 6th January

What am I doing? Getting mad at Potter again. Why? Green hair? Love potion? More horrid kisses? No. He's not annoying me. I should be happy. I'm not. What's wrong with me? Insanity, most probably.

Feels weird. Not being watched. Its creepy not being watched. Yes, his stalking was annoying but now something's…missing. I liked that he liked but I didn't know that I liked it.

What am I saying?! I liked it? I didn't like it! I hated it, I loathed it, I didn't like it! I spent seven years bitching about it, of course I hated it!

He's definitely up to something. No seranader, no poetry, no Idiot Boy Wonder- he's almost normal. Its unnatural!

Its annoying me that he's not annoying me. Who can I yell at randommly? No excuse to accost Potter anymore. Miss yelling. Its good- clears mind, perks up the day. I'll have to shout at Black more even if it isn't as satisfying as shouting at James. Like screaming at Black, loved screaming at Potter. He fought back. Well, he used to. Now, he avoids me, won't even look at me so can't pick a fight.

Yesterday he looked- no, stared at me and I couldn't shout. Voice struck, blood rushed, heart stuttered. Couldn't help it! Was so not my fault! It was just… deprivation of him or something but…those eyes…God, it sends a shiver through me just thinking about that look. Passion, fire etc. Sweet Jesus, if he'd asked me to take his hand and run away with him to join a Circus I would have. God help me, I would've done anything. Any girl would at that look, right? We have daily proof from 'I LOVE JAMES POTTER' fanclub who swoon all the time. Bloody Hell, am I like them?!

Merlin. Suicide is preferable. Actually if silly- feelings- thing gets worse, suicide is an option. I don't want to die but all embarrassment would end. Scratch suicide, I could move to…Brazil! Yes, that's it! Ai carumba! Rio, here I come!

Lily.

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10. Pudding Thoughts

A/N: Sorry its been a while since I last updated but stupid me I tried to update then I realised that I hadn't actually typed it up. I could've sworn I had but I actually hadn't. Hope you like it anyway.

STUPID BOYS

CHAPTER 10: Pudding Thoughts

It was on one ordinary, completely routine Thursday that it all kicked off. James was oblivious to what was about to happen, to what was about to change his life and strolled down the corridor to dinner with Sirius, happy in his ignorance. It was a surprisingly nice day for England- the birds were chirping, it hadn't rained in three whole days and Snape's indignant yells could still be heard from the impenetrable box in the empty classroom they'd just imprisoned him in. Oh yes, life was good.

Until he heard the shriek. A normal person would've run for cover and tried to protect themselves from what was surely a banshee and was heading their way, hurtling down the corridor, but nothing could spoil his mood today. And he could have recognised that infuriated screech in the pits of Hell. He'd know her voice anywhere, whether she was screaming or whispering. So he simply smiled at the glowing vision of furious loveliness fuming in front of him and took in her presence before he had to go back to leaving her alone.

"What do you think you're playing at?"

He frowned. She had actually approached him. Never mind that she was severely pissed off with him, it was perhaps the first time she'd ever talked to him without him having to kick start the conversation. It was just another positive for the Official Best Day Ever™. "I'm walking to dinner," he answered stupidly since he was, after all, stupid.

She glared at him and threw a small piece of material at him with disgust. "What do you think this is?"

He blushed and, realising what the item was, tried to edge away slowly, as the unpleasant feeling that his day was about to get a Hell of a lot worse took root. "Erm…a hankie?"

"Nooo," she said slowly as if talking to a very dim child. "This is a thong. And you knew it was. Because you put it on my bloody bed!"

James was speechless. What?! But- How- But- He couldn't form a coherent thought so he said the first rather unfortunate thing that sprang to mind. "Its pretty."

"Pretty? PRETTY!!"

Maybe he'd said the wrong thing.

"It is not pretty! Flowers are pretty. Sunsets are pretty. Bloody LOCKHART is pretty, but this- this- piece of filth- is not!!"

Ooh, she was really getting steamed up now. He was quite enjoying it, actually. It took him back to the good old days when she hadn't insisted on ignoring him and had quite regularly given him a good walloping. Good times. But as much as he was enjoying her spectacular rampage he couldn't help wondering who had really given her the skimpy piece of material with 'I LOVE JAMES' printed all over it.

"Listen to me, Potter." Her voice was now quiet and deadly, catching the attention of most of the crowd as Lily Evans usually screamed threats, she never ever threatened quietly. James' head shot up in shock and numerous heads swung in their direction. She had the attention of the crowd now and what she said was heard loud and clear, ringing throughout the corridor. "I hate you. Truly, I do. You know, when you're old and pathetic and alone you'll realise that all you ever did was annoy and torture innocent people and you'll think of me and understand. You'll think of me and realise that’s why I hate you. And I always will. Because you'll never change from that stupid, irresponsible, arrogant bastard. I once considered you a friend but believe me when I say I'd rather kiss Snape than even look at you right now."

There was a deathly silence.

Lily stood stock still as what she just said so eloquently hit her. She hadn't meant one word of it- it was simply the release of all the frustration and anger that had been building in her- but she could tell by the look of hurt and horror in his eyes that James believed she meant every word of it. She'd ranted at him before but she'd never been so damn…cruel. She stared at him in utter dismay, unable to move, to say something, anything to take it all back. She was in shock and wave after wave of confusion struck her as she watched him try to deal with the humiliation of it all. He gave a half-hearted smile that she instantly recognised as being forced and ducked his head from the growing noise of the crowd.

They were laughing, of course they were laughing. James gritted his teethe and forced himself to hold in the tears that had sprung to his eyes, telling himself that he was a man and men didn't cry over girls. His pride would not allow him to cry. Not crying, however, didn’t prevent him from feeling possible the worst he had ever felt in his whole life. With her words and her icy glare she had plunged her hand into his chest, ripped out his still beating heart and stamped on it with four inch heels for good measure.

He would never have imagined that his heart could be so utterly smashed and completely glued back together in less than ten minutes.

Lily watched him, horrified at her own actions and saw the raw emotions that shimmered behind his expressive eyes. They shone with confusion, hurt and pain, making her feel like she was dying inside from the thought that it was her who had caused all that anguish.

She forgot everything except the two of them, her only care to comfort him, to take away some of his pain somehow. She didn't care that they were in the middle of the corridor, that they had a crowd, that she'd just told him that she hated him. He was the only thing that mattered.

As she stepped up to him her eyes confused him with their suddenly soft expression and before he could turn away from what was surely going to be a slap in the face for added humiliation, she stopped him by putting a hand to his chest. He stared down at it, dumbfounded, then raised his eyes to hers, hoping to reduce some of his confusion, yet just finding more mysteries in the emerald pools.

She grabbed hold of his tie, yanking him down to her eye level and whispered, "I didn't mean it." Before he could respond to the surprise statement she catapulted his confusion further into the stratosphere by giving his tie another tug and fusing her lips to his.

Whilst the first kiss that he had stolen had been harsh and brief, this kiss was neither. James froze in astonishment as she grabbed him and his mind swam with confusion and sensation, before he gave in and pushed away every thought and kissed her back enthusiastically. She pulled him closer and let the years of secret longing and loving him pour into her kiss. All there was for her was Him. His lips against hers. His hair being clutched at by her hands, His skin beneath her fingers.

Breathless, she pulled away and stared at him dazedly. Ok, she had dreamed of kissing him for what felt like forever but she had never thought it would ever come true and he was certainly not supposed to find out that secretly she didn't hate him. It struck her suddenly that now there was nothing she could do to lessen the whole horror and embarrassment of laying her heart out for everyone to see. She couldn't take it back, she couldn't even delay it because so many people had witnessed it…

Oh God, all those people. She forced herself to ignore all the ogling voyeurs trying to reattach their jaws after seeing her snog the one boy she was meant to hate above all others. She kept her cool and lifted her chin in a dignified sort of way that completely belied the plethora of confused emotions that battled for supremacy inside her head and her heart. The crowd parted like the Red Sea as she strode through the throng, determined to get away from those gossiping people and all those loathsome felling as soon as possible.

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James was breathless. Stupefied. Mystified. Utterly amazed. He stared dazedly at the people surrounding him who looked rather amazed as well. He brought his fingertips to his lips, still in disbelief. Had he just been kissed by…? It must be a hallucination. It was just not possible that wonderful, beautiful, woman-of-his-dreams Lily Evans had exceeded all his expectations, dreams, hopes and fantasies with one simple action. She had kissed him. Him. On the lips. And meant it.

He could dance, he could sing, he could FLY!! Well, he could fly anyway but he could now fly without his broomstick, dammit!

An enormous grin spread across his face as he faced the reality- she liked him, she liked him, she liked him!

But, at that moment it didn't seem as though that was the case. James watched as she stalked away down the corridor and the smile gradually melted away. She was going to deny it. He just knew that she would. She'd say it was 'temporary lack of judgement' or 'an experiment on lower life forms' or just neglect to explain herself at all.

Well, not this time.

James gritted his teeth and followed her as the crowd started to chatter excitedly once more. This time what she had done was just too important for her to pass it off as a mental hiccup.

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Lily stormed into the Common room making as much noise as possible without creating a scene. She had acted in a calm and dignified manner before but now she couldn't suppress it. She stalked back and forth across the room, berating herself furiously, She knew she was acting deranged, muttering to herself, and was scaring some of the first years but she couldn't possible compose herself at a time such as this. She had just kissed- that boy.

It had been horrifying.

But very very nice.

She felt sick…

"Ok, Evans, you're stupid. You are officially an idiot. Damage control- a) kill all witnesses; b) kill all who know it happened; c) kill self to repent for horrific actions. Good plan! Mass homicide- always a great problem solver…" she trailed off as she realised the petrified looks she was getting from around the room. "Or not. Bad plan. Very bad plan. Anyway, why shouldn't I go around kissing random James Potter?" she challenged a scared second year who just edged away slowly from the clearly hysterical Head Girl. "Its not as though its something mad people do like talking to yourself which I am also doing…"

"I don't think you're mad."

She froze mid-stamp and damned her idiot self for allowing him to catch up and not retreating to the Girls Dorm immediately. She couldn't handle him at the moment, she could barely manage herself in her currently worrying mental state. She was emotional and pissed off and she just didn't want to have to ingeniously come up with some crap excuse that they both knew was a complete fabrication. She was too worked up to even snap at him civilly. "What do you want, cretin?" She snarled at him, practically breathing fire.

"Ooh, not too friendly I see." He smiled sweetly, infuriatingly.

She closed her eyes for a moment, suppressing the urge to slap him for his niceness and swung to face her tormentor. "Why can't you leave me in peace for once in your pathetic life, moron?" she ground out.

"Because-" Alarmingly, his smile seemed to grow brighter and brighter as if he knew something she didn't and Lily narrowed her eyes suspiciously at him. "Because you don't want me to."

"What?" She snapped, refusing to allow herself to blush the way her body desperately wanted to.

"You don't want me to stop. You like me pestering you. You like me watching you. You like me shouting at me. You like me. And-" As her jaw dropped and her eyes widened he shot her a triumphant smirk. "-You liked kissing me."

"What the-!!" Lily exploded and gradually got more muddled. "That's not- Its impossible! Of all the- the big headed, arrogant- can't stand- why would I- how dare you- tried not to- couldn't help- PUDDING!"

He raised an amused and slightly scared eyebrow. "Pudding?"

"YES!" She began to pace furiously up and down the room again, desperately trying to work out what was happening in her head- small explosions and realisations that went 'KERPOW!' and 'BANG!' "I have pudding thoughts! All- all- mushed up and squidgy and completely confusing. See- I thought one thing- then I thought another- and now I just- don't know." She stopped pacing and looked at him, defeat in her eyes. "James, am I going insane?"

He chose, wisely, to avoid any glib remarks that would just get him walloped again. "Of course not. You're just confused. Now the best thing you can do is get off to bed and rest yourself. You'll feel better in the morning," he promised, feeling oddly like his mother. "Have a good sleep and we'll talk in the morning."

"But its only 5 'o clock," she protested as he ushered her towards the girls staircase. "I refuse to be pushed off to bed like a naughty kid!"

"Do you seriously think you can hold a civilised conversation now after yelling at me and scaring off a dozen first years? Trust me, you're much better off going to bed and letting things blow over until morning. Go to bed, Lily," he said softly.

She frowned and, even though she was a little, eensy weensy bit tired, refused to do anything he told her to. He wasn't in control of her! "NO! I refuse to listen to anything you say. Leave me alone and STOP MOTHERING ME!"

He stepped back, hands held up in defeat.

"And, by the way-" She leaned forward menacingly. "-Tell anyone about our- ahem- encounter- and you will be dismembered." She span away from his innocent expression and marched through the portrait hole, even though she had a horrible feeling that for the first time the boys weren't the only ones being stupid.

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A/N: I love this chapter. Unfortunately I have no idea what will happen next. Any ideas?

11. Denial, Revisited

STUPID BOYS

CHAPTER 11: Denial, Revisited

At the age of 17 Sirius Black had a near death experience.

It was his own fault for breaking into the girls bedroom and trying to steal their underwear but he figured there was no way in Hell he would ever get caught. After all, he was Sirius Black, Master of Disguise and Trickery.

But even the Master of Disguise and Trickery nearly died from a heart attack the second she charged into the Girls Dorm and started pacing, apparently not noticing that there was a boy, one she threatened daily with decapitation at that, frozen in fear with his hand in her underwear drawer.

His heart began to beat again when he realised she hadn't noticed what he was doing and he quickly removed the offending hand and shoved it into his pocket along with the frilly knickers that he'd just gleefully encountered.

"Agrippa, give me strength! What is his problem?" she fumed.

Sirius started to back away slowly, not making any sudden movements that would jolt her into noticing and, consequently, dismembering him. Unfortunately, Sirius had the lack of foresight to tiptoe away backwards in the opposite direction of the door. Since he hadn't the gift of having eyes in the back of his head, he promptly backed straight into a fabric washing bag the size of a small country.

Lily whirled around at his squeal to find Sirius sprawled across the floor amidst a sea of lingerie, sporting a particularly frilly pair of knickers as a hat.

To his immense surprise and bewilderment, she completely ignored the fact that he was drowning in her undergarments and simply continued her raving.

"YOU! You tell me why!! Why does he prank me if he likes me? Why is he so impossible? Why does he confuse me so much? Surely, he's not that complicated!"

She paused and looked at him expectantly. She actually wanted him to reply, he realised with horror. He had no idea about these things! Why would anyone in their right mind ask him for love advice? Quidditch query? Pranking problem? Chess conundrum? He was your man, but romance? Merlin, he was about as well informed in that area as the Giant Squid. He decided to wing it. "Erm…grass that grows in our lifetime…expands during Winters…Wait! I've got it! Love leads to confusion, which leads to hate which leads to the, erm…dark side?" he finished, confusing himself even further.

She stared at him for a second, before ploughing on, as if he hadn't spoken. "But he's just so odd! I mean, obviously, I don't like him in any conceivable way but he just continues to…" she trailed off when she noticed his raised hand. "Yes?"

Sirius had been thinking hard since his last crash and burn and he knew that he'd now cracked it. He'd finally found something useful to say. "Can I ask you something? Obviously, you like him-" He ignored her indignant stutters. "-And he likes you. So what's the problem?"

Lily looked stumped, her mouth dropped open and her brow furrowed. "I- I just can't do it, ok?"

Sirius got to his feet and brushed himself off, basking in the knowledge that he'd been brilliant once again. "I don't see what the issue is. Just go up to him and say 'Sirius is brilliant. I love you. Let me have your babies!' Easy!"

"It's not as easy as that. Besides, I don't like him," she said, stubbornly folding her arms.

"Oh, stop it. It's growing tiresome," he said in an off-hand sort of way, enjoying being the sensible, clear-headed one for once in his life.

"Tiresome? TIRESOME? I'll show you tiresome…" She had just taken a threatening step towards him, fists clenched angrily when he froze her with an astonishingly stern look and an upraised hand.

"Stop it right now and sit down," he said sharply, even surprising himself. Suddenly, it was all clear to him. He had to sort it out. He had once forced James to admit to liking her and now he must do the same with her. It seemed to be his purpose in life to continuously sort out their problems even though he could barely control his own life. He was possibly the worse person in the whole world to be dishing out love advice- damn it, even bloody Voldemort would probably have been a better choice- but the one thing he did have was determination. By Merlin, he was going to make her see sense, and leave with a pair of those frilly knickers, even if it killed him!

"Right, lets go over the facts, shall we? He kissed you. You punched him. Correct?" he shot out his question with the precision of a military commander demanding an immediate response, as he paced the room.

"Yes," Lily replied involuntarily. It was obvious that she couldn't quite understand what was going on due to the fact that she kept pinching herself, checking that she wasn't actually dreaming.

"Why did you punch him?"

She gulped, and the shock of Sirius not acting like an idiot and actually taking charge of a situation made her blurt out, "Because he didn't mean it. It was just a prank to embarrass me."

Sirius paused and stared at her, pityingly. "Evans, that was no prank." As he saw her pale, he added in what he thought was a comforting afterthought, "But it was a good punch, though."

Lily had paled. "He- he meant it?"

"Yes, he did, my misguided cherry blossom." He ignored her expression and moved onto the next point. "Next were the notes he sent you. Around two hundred in total, as I recall. What was your response to these love tokens?"

She bowed her head and mumbled something unintelligible.

"What was that?" Sirius asked loudly.

"Ok, ok, I burnt them all…" She trailed off and averted her gaze.

"And?" he poked.

"I roasted marsh mellows over them, alright?" she snapped, then began to wave her arms to articulate her point. "I thought he was just being mean! I hated him for that."

Sirius grinned to himself as he recalled the next point in case, the one that happened to be his favourite. "Next- a classic. James composed a wonderfully beautiful song just for you and sung it for your pleasure, accompanied by a most accomplished backing band. And what did you do?"

Lily's face heated with remembered indignation and she stood up to face him. "Hey, he brought that on himself, you can't blame me-"

"Can't blame you? Who landed James in the Hospital Wing for a bloody WEEK?!" Sirius demanded, incredulously. "You threw a damn brick at him!!"

"It was not a brick, it was only a piece of stationary. Is it my fault that he exaggerates every little scratch-" Lily denied furiously, her voice getting louder and more vehement with each word.

"Stationary? Is that what you call a paperweight the size of a baby elephant?"

"I think it was well within my rights as a human being to shut him up! He was singing- badly and extremely loudly- at three in the morning on a school night accompanied by the worst backing band ever heard!!" she yelled and Sirius took an insulted step backwards. "And for your information, Potter did not compose 'Love Me Tender'."

With that Lily sent him a furious glare, stomped from the room and slammed the door behind her, leaving an extremely smug boy proudly congratulating himself on convincing her of her errors and managing to get away with-

"And put those knickers back where you found them, pervert!"

Dammit.

Friday 17th January

Dear Diary

What's wrong with me? Seriously. I must be deranged. Why can't our conversations go like this:

Me: Hello, I like you.

James: I like you too.

Me: Wonderful! My life is perfect happiness.

Instead, invariably it goes like this:

James: Hi, Li-

Me: If you haven't left my sight in five seconds I shall kill you in a most unpleasant manner.

James: But-

Me: Five. Four. Three.

James runs away down corridor.

I can't help it. I cannot be nice to him. Its physically and cosmically impossible. Pride just won't let me do it. Because he was right. I like him, always have. He wins. And since when did James Potter win against Lily Evans?

He really likes me. It wasn't a prank. Don't know what to do now. Be nicer to him? Can't do nice, even to my friends. But I'll try.

Or, an easier option- assassinate him. Then goodbye feelings, hello happiness!!!

New List of People to Murder/Dismember/Torture with Tweezers (Truly the Most Painful Muggle Invention Ever)

1. James Potter

2. Sirius Black

Shall have to work on expanding that list.

Lily.

P.S. Just thought- its really saying something when I forget to put Voldemort before The Stupid Boys.

A/N: Thanks for all the wonderful reviews (mostly from crazy people, but they're just kindred spirits so I don't mind). Sorry for the long wait but I had a spate of writers block, have been working full time for the past 2 months and have about 5 stories on the go…not that that’s an excuse. Anyway, hope you enjoyed this chapter- review please!! Hannibal is on the prowl…

12. The Masterpiece

Disclaimer: Nothing in any of this story is mine- all belongs to JKR and WB. Except custard. The custard's all mine, baby!

A/N: This is dedicated to Leila. My fanfic buddy and inspiration Nazi.

I'm sorry to say it but this is the last chapter of Stupid Boys…no, I am not abandoning it…I have FINISHED it!!!! This is the concluding chapter of my masterpiece. Behold…

STUPID BOYS

CHAPTER 12: The Masterpiece

"Custard?"

"Custard." Sirius was deadly serious.

A corner of James' mouth twitched but the rest of his face remained unamused as he glanced down at the bowl of thick, yellow liquid that was standing between them. "Please tell me you've sustained intense trauma to the head."

"Huh?"

James sighed and came to the conclusion that his best friend was, indeed, a moron. "Because that is the only other explanation I can come up with." At Sirius' mock-offended expression, James let out a bark of laughter and said, "Seriously, mate. You were trying to lecture me on the virtues of custard. Which would be fine, if you were talking about eating it."

Sirius was unfazed. He knew he was a genius, a virtuoso, an…innovator, if you will. He understood that not everyone would be able to grasp the pure brilliance that was his mind, but, really, he had expected more from James, supposed Marauder. "I'm ashamed. Heartily ashamed. I thought you of all people would understand…"

James scowled, clearly in no mood for his best mate's antics. He had been waiting for Lily to send him some sign that she had stopped hating him for over a week now and it was starting to drive him mad. He had thought that the kiss had been a bit of a give-away but it seemed that she'd wiped it from her memory completely. In fact, there was a direct correlation between the amount of times that she'd growled at him (and not in a good way), and the amount of times he's slapped Sirius on the head for being stupid. He feared that not being in Lily's favour was causing grievous mental damage to both of them.

"Sirius, shut up, please. I'm just not in the mood for-"

"It's her again, isn't it?" Sirius sighed loudly. He had done everything humanly possible and yet they remained steadfastly forlorn…well, if the Master of Disguise and Trickery couldn't get them together, who could? "God, James, if you like being miserable so much, just marry Moaning Myrtle. She'll probably be easier to handle than Evans and she already has her own place. Okay, the U-Bend isn't much to write home about but I'm sure if you add a rug here, a house plant there…" Sirius trailed off when he noticed that no one was paying him the slightest bit of attention.

"What is it?" Sirius craned his neck to follow James' gaze to where it had predictably rested further down the Gryffindor table, where a certain unhinged redhead was enjoying her evening meal. "Oh, just stop it, man. For Merlin's sake, pull yourself together!"

"Pull my what where?" James blinked at him.

"You're starting to get pathetic. Just give up on getting into her knickers- she's too unstable. Anyway, she'd probably try to exchange you for camels or something."

James frowned. "What have camels got to do with-"

"Speaking of knickers!" Sirius interrupted extremely loudly, and, catching most of the Hall's attention, pulled out a skimpy piece of underwear with an excited flourish. "I happened to come across a very- ahem- lovely pair, just the other day. I'd describe them as lacy, wouldn't you? Ooh, I do like a bit of lace to spice up the old unmentionables. Red lace, as well. You know, a lady wouldn't wear red lace just for herself- I wonder who else is enjoying them…"

From the corner of his eyes, Sirius saw Lily's neck snap around so quickly he was sure she'd got whiplash. To his great amusement, she flushed to the roots of her hair and started gripping the arm of the second year sat next to her so hard that they had started to cry.

James, on the other hand, was barely listening. Why should he care that Sirius had been stealing underwear again? Of course, it was slightly disturbing, but it wasn't interesting enough for him to tear his thoughts from-

"Guess who these belong to? Guess, guess, guess!!" Sirius waved them under his nose and James swatted them away, impatiently. He'd had enough of this for one day.

"Padfoot, I don't care about knickers-"

"But they're lacy!" Sirius burst out, excitedly. "How can you not be interested in red lacy knickers?"

"I'm just not. I prefer boxers, myself." James held back a smirk. It would definitely be sending the wrong message if he broke his forbidding demeanour now.

"You know," Sirius said, considering the undergarments he was spinning on his index finger. "Lacy knickers almost have the same amount of comedic potential as-"

"Custard?" said a deceptively innocent voice.

James' head snapped up and he instantly roared with laughter, along with most of the Great Hall. Standing there, smiling serenely and holding a now empty serving bowl, was none other than Lily Evans. One glance at Sirius' custard-streaked head was enough to send James soaring out of his bad mood and into guffaws so intense that he was sure that he was going to give himself a heart attack.

The thick, yellow sauce had smothered Sirius' head, dripping off his nose and into his open mouth. He licked his lips, slowly, and considered it, as if trying a fine wine then calmly remarked, "It's actually quite tasty. Want some?" He scraped a load off his nose and offered it, politely, to his neighbour.

Amidst his howling with laughter, James had a sudden thought that made him freeze mid-hoot. If Lily had poured custard on Sirius…and Sirius had been loudly extolling the virtues of someone's- "They're not-?"

He flushed and stared at the still smiling Lily, then at the knickers, then back again.

"Finally, he catches on," said Sirius, knowingly.

Suddenly, the unwanted image of Lily actually wearing said underwear and nothing else flashed across his mind, making him appear as though he was impersonating a stop sign. He averted his eyes from her face in embarrassment.

"Sirius," he hissed, leaning towards his so-called friend. "What are you doing with her underwear?"

"Can't say." Sirius shrugged, smiling.

James gulped and shot a furtive glance in Lily's direction to find her staring straight at him in a way that suggested that she knew exactly what he was thinking and that she was not very impressed with it at all.

"Hello, James," she said, appearing indecently normal. "Can I have a word?"

"What?" he asked blankly.

"Really, you can't just give me a few minutes?" she snapped.

"Erm…" She was going to shout at him, he knew it. She had somehow realised that he was having indecent thoughts, had, in all honesty, been having them for the past few years, and that he was really just a sad old pervert who needed locking up.

"Oh, for Merlin's sake! I hint and hint and still you act the idiot!" she suddenly exploded at him, her face combusting into fury, and she spun away from him to stalk out of the Great Hall. "I don't know why I even bother!"

He gaped after her for a few seconds before the wave of confusion swept past him and he was engulfed in another, just as powerful, emotion. "Now wait just a minute!" he bellowed after her, making her pause and glare at him. "What was that about?" She opened her mouth to send a sharp retort, but he cut her off with- "And don't give me the 'if you don't know then I'm not going to tell you' crap!"

"Well, you should know!!" she snarled, her hair flying out of its perfect ponytail as she whirled her hands through the air in frustration. "I've been trying to talk to you for days but you just make up excuses or run away. How old are you? Ten?"

"But you told me to leave you alone!" He strode right up to where she was fuming and glared down at her with more venom than he'd remembered feeling in a long time. "I was just doing what you asked!"

"Since when have you ever done anything I've told you to do? I've never known a boy as complicated! First you were just my friend-" She ticked it off on her index finger. "Then, you liked me, then you ignored me, then you liked me again, and now, you're back to being a complete moron and ignoring me all the time!"

"Me, complicated? HA! What about you?" He waggled an irate finger in her scowling face. "You-"

"I'm a girl; I'm allowed to be complicated," she snapped. "I reserve the right to change my mind whenever the Hell I want, and you can't complain because that just makes me more captivating."

"Is that right? Captivating?" He choked out a humourless laugh. Personally, he couldn't think of anything less captivating than the snarling banshee growling at him. "You-"

"Are you going to make a move or not?"

She had blind-sided him again.

"What?"

She stared at him, her brow furrowed in frustration. "Make. A. Move."

"Like-" His voice cracked in a not so manly way so he tried again, and squirmed as little as possible. "Like kiss you?"

"Yes."

"Now?" he whispered. Being so intent on arguing, neither Lily nor James had noticed that the entire Great Hall had become silent at the first yell of anger. Suddenly, he became acutely aware of the fact that every single person was now watching him intently. The pressure was way more than he could handle.

"It's right now or not at all," she said, looking him straight in the eyes, daring him to be brave enough. And everyone knew that it was physically impossible for James Potter to resist a dare.

So he did what a man had to do. He kissed her.

Sirius, of course, had been watching the entire exchange raptly and he especially was finding it hard to breathe in all the excitement. He had been sitting on the edge of his seat, rocking backwards and forwards maniacally, his head swivelling between his two little puppets, and when James finally stepped forward and acted like a man, he was the first to jump to his feet, cheering.

"YES!!!! I knew it! I knew it-"

"What did I miss, Padfoot? Why is everyone cheering? And why are you yellow?" Remus sat at the table, bemusedly looking up at his friend, who was currently jiggling around on the table, still covered in custard, with one foot stuck in a bowl of mashed potato, trying to do a victory dance.

"Moony!" Sirius jumped down and threw his arms around the bewildered Marauder. "I won! I won!"

"Won what?"

"Look at that, Moony!" Sirius pointed to the couple that was stood in the middle of the Great Hall, utterly wrapped up in each other, and Remus wondered how he could've missed them. "This is it, mate! My masterpiece, my Sistine Chapel, my Mona Lisa, my piece de resistance! That, my friend, is the work of a Master."

Sirius sat back in his chair completely satisfied that he had done a fantastic job, and that what was happening was a direct result of the workings of the Master of Disguise and Trickery. However, as he watched them steadily devour each other's faces, he had a sudden and rather unwelcome thought. The…urgh…kissing, the smooching, the hugging, the smiling, the giggling that he was witnessing now was not going to get any prettier. A rather Shakespearean realisation came to him in the few moments after his master plan had come together. He was now quite tragically doomed, by his own hands, to watch them do this disgusting act over and over and over and over and over and over…

"Moony."

"Yes, Padfoot?"

"Its actually rather nauseating. Make it stop. Please, Moony. I think I'm going to vomit."

THE END

A/N: I hope you've all enjoyed this story. Finally, I've finished it!! Please please please let me know what you think of this last chapter- I quite like it and it feels nice to actually finish something for once.

I want to apologize to faithful reviewers like Leah and Paddy_Foot_80 who have been repeatedly reviewing and telling me to hurry up. I’m truly sorry, and I hope that the fact that I’ve actually finished it makes you like me again. Sorry!!! I will go through all the reviews I’ve had and reply to every one!

Another thing to mention is that, my friend, Leila, (caed on ff.net) has helped me through this story and helped me come up with a lot of the especially silly ideas in it. As a result, she feels as attached to the characters as I am. So, she is writing a one-shot sequel, which focuses on Sirius and how Lily and James get him back for messing with their love lives. I'll post it as an additional chapter on this when she's finished it.

Also, I was considering doing a sort of sequel- ‘Silly Men’

I just want to say that I've had a lot of great reviews and lots of support for this story and I totally appreciate it all. Thank you all and goodnight!! *graciously/ pompously accepts roses*