1. Dear Draco

A/N: This is a funny little idea I got last night. Enjoy! ;)

Summary: What would happen if Harry Potter characters were forced to collaborate on Hogwart’s very first advice column? Now it’s happened, and each Prefect is featured. What on earth will happen? Once more, how do Draco and Ginny end up getting involved? A different character giving advice every chapter!

Draco grumbled as he pulled a quill out of his pocket and began to write. What an idiotic idea, he thought and grunted. Another one of Dumbledore’s brilliant ideas. Savvy. Draco could at least comfort himself with the thought that no one would actually write in. Who would pull themselves down to such derogatory level?

A Weasley, he thought with a smirk. Too bad both were Prefects; only Prefects had to participate in this Merlin-foresaken advice column disaster.

Just his luck.

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The Hogwarts Advice Column

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Featured Columnist: Draco Malfoy

Education: Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry

Age: Seventeen

Idol: No one

Favourite Colour: Silver

Hobbies: Potion brewing, teasing Potter

Comments:

I am a Slytherin. I am blonde. I am intelligent. I am witty. I am good-looking. I am evil.

Mwahaha.

Beat that.

Oh, and don’t even try to argue with me. You know I’m better than you.

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Dear Draco,

I’ve always thought you were the cold-hearted type. Now that you’ve opened this advice column, my view on you has changed. I like boys that try to help. Are you single???

-Hopeless Romantic

Dear Hopeless Romantic,

With a name like that, it’s obvious no one could possibly love one of your sort. However, let me make this clear that I, Draco Malfoy did not have a say on this position. Whether I am single or not, depends on who you are, and if I personally accept you as a human being. You make your conclusion.

But with a name like Hopeless Romantic- well, let’s just say that’s exactly what you are:

Hopeless.

Good day,

Draco Malfoy

Dear Draco,

Why on earth does no one like me? I’m not so ugly, I’m very nice, intelligent, but yet everyone just seems to drift away from me. HELP!

-Lonely Lady

Dear Lonely Lady,

It’s obvious that no one likes you because you deserve it. You’re either: a Mudblood, a Gryffindor, or a friend of Potter’s. Or maybe you are ugly. That’s better than the before mentioned, isn’t it?

Good day,

Draco Malfoy

Dear Draco,

You’re so mean and ugly. Inside, I mean. Outside is a different story, but- oh that’s not the point. I don’t even NEED advice!

So there!

-Advice is For Wimps

Dear Advice is For Wimps,

Is it just me, or do I smell an idiot? Here’s some advice for you: look up ‘contradictory’ in the dictionary.

Good day,

Draco Malfoy

Dear Draco,

My boyfriend cheated on me. He slept with another girl, and that girl told everyone, and the rumour got around to me, and then to get back at him I slept with another boy, who I later found out had a gay relationship with my ex-boyfriend of three months ago! But that’s not the worst! My recent boyfriend (not the gay one) got another girl PREGNANT, except she told me that the day after she found out she was PREGNANT, her boyfriend PROPOSED to her, and now she’s marrying another boy, while she has my boyfriend’s baby. And now I found out I’m pregnant with the other gay boy’s baby, except that I found out he has an STD, and his mother was just diagnosed for post-traumatic stress syndrome, so I couldn’t possibly tell her that I’m pregnant, and now I’ve got an STD, a baby and a whole mess of a life to figure out. What do I DO?

-Tangled Mess

Dear Tangled Mess,

The answer is really quite simple. Just get a potion from Snape to turn the baby into an evil Dark Lord, then have the baby, and use it to kill off the other people that are causing the problem in the first place.

Simple, if you ask me.

Good day,

Draco Malfoy

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Have you got a question for Draco or any of our other characters? Leave them in a review and the character may or may not respond.

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2. Dear Draco, number 2

A/N: You’ll notice Draco is featured again this week. This is mainly because you all asked so many questions for him. Since there’s only a certain amount of space available for the Hogwarts Advice Column (not to mention the author (that talks in 3^rd person) does have a life…), you’ll notice that not all questions are answered. For those who asked questions to other characters, or even for those who did ask questions to Draco, be assured that your questions will indeed be answered by one of our future columnists, but not necessarily by Draco. But you need not fear, for there are some twists to this story (including more Draco appearances), and the characters may not necessarily play by the rules.

“Draco, because your feature in the Hogwarts Advice Column was such a success last week, I’d like you to do us a favour and continue again this week. We still received many requests for your help,” said Dumbledore.

Draco tried to hide his frown. “All right. But who’ll be doing it next week?”

Dumbledore smiled. “Ginny Weasley.”

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The Hogwarts Advice Column

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Featured Columnist: Draco Malfoy

Comments from Last Week: Would all you insolate idiots stop pestering me to solve your worthless life’s problems? One of my brain cells spent on answering your questions are worth more than your family alone.

This is your final warning. My last week. So enjoy while you can.

Bwahaha.

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Dear Draco,

Being a Slytherin, blonde, intelligent, witty, good-looking and evil is very hot. Please meet me in the Astronomy Tower at Midnight. ^_~

-Sexy Slytherin-

Dear Pansy,

Refrain from bothering me with your pathetic advances and meaningless drabble. I am not and never shall be interested. But since you so politely asked, I’ll make sure your meeting is not cancelled. Expect Goyle fifteen minutes late. He tends to get lost on his way there.

Good day,

Draco Malfoy

Draco,

YOU LIKE GINNY! I know that you think that you think she's just a weasel or a mudblood lover, but in truth, you love her firey red PASSION! And you wish that passion was directed in your direction...admit it, go on and admit it!

-Anonymous

-This is an Automated Message from our Featured Columnist-

DRACO MALFOY HAS CHOSEN NOT TO RESPOND TO THIS QUESTION.

Dear Draco,

Lately I have had guys coming all around me asking me out. I havent gone out in a date for years and I'm kind of happy about bieng single. But sometime I do feel like that something is missing! But enough about me! Draco you are so hot! I love intelligent, witty, good looking, evil guys! Holla back if your interested!

Totally Confuse

Dear Totally Confuse(d?)

Bloody hell. This isn’t a dating service; it’s an advice column. . . Although I’m noticing the majority of Hogwarts students are unable to tell the difference. Of course, I completely understand your desire to be with me as opposed to with any other guy in Hogwarts. But I’m afraid I must decline. Never in my life shall I date a girl who writes to an advice column for a date. Despicable.

But if you’re still interested, I’d be willing to hook you up with Marcus Flint- I hear he’s a fantastic kisser.

Good day,

-Draco Malfoy

P.s. Malfoys do not “holla”.

Dear Draco,

I have a situation I guess you could say. There's this guy (of course it's always a guy isn't it?) and he really likes me, but for obvious reasons, I don't like him. I mean he's much too thick to speak in complete sentences, let alone string two words together. And he always seems to hanging around you. So how do I, someone who is enchanting, beautiful, and evil, get rid of him? (But maybe you're the wrong person to ask since he's always hanging around you.)

Enchantingly Evil

Dear Enchantingly Evil,

Feed him three-dozen cupcakes and meet me in the Slytherin locker rooms at eleven o’clock.

Marvelous day to you,

-Draco Malfoy

Dear Draco,

I am hopelessly love with Harry Potter, but I don't think he knows who I am! What should I do???

-Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Drown yourself.

Good day,

-Draco Malfoy

4. Dear Ginny

Ginny hummed happily to herself as she skipped down to the library. An advice columnist! Her! Of course, the majority of the submissions had been directed towards Draco, but that was surely because he had set such a negative tone to the readers- somehow, many females were attracted to this. Kudos to whoever could figure out why.

Sitting down at a table, Ginny pulled out her book bag and turned it upside down, letting all the letters pour down onto her lap. She sifted through the pile for a few moments until she found a letter addressed to her.

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The Hogwarts Advice Column

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Featured Columnist: Ginny Weasley

Education: Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry

Age: Sixteen

Idol: My dearest mother, who puts as much love into her cooking as she does into raising a family, which, as you can imagine, is highly beneficial to all of us.

Favourite Colour: Blue

Hobbies: Writing stories, going to Hogsmeade, reading daily writings on how to live your life

Comments:

Hello! I am here for you all, so please send in your questions and queries. I love giving advice!

- - - - - - -

Dear Ginny,

I am in my third year of Hogwarts. Last year I had no freinds what so ever. However this year, I have made so many freinds, it's driving me insane! Everyone makes me their best freind and expects me to make them my best freind. To make everyone happy, I said that everyone was my best freind. Only now, everyone seems to be competing against each other to see who is the "Bestest Best Freind". They won't leave me alone! I find myself making up fake excuses when someone wants to play or do stuff because practically everyone wants to be with me and I don't want to seem rude. But it's stressing me out. What should I do?

Signed,

Torn Apart By Friends

Dear Torn Apart By Friends,

Oh wow! What a dilemma. Unfortunately, I am sorry to say that you have brought this mess upon yourself. It is now your responsibility to figure out what to do on your own. The advice I can give you however-

is to brush your teeth. I always find that the world looks a little brighter after getting rid of all that plaque. Think of it as brushing your cares away-

“Luna, I am NOT putting that in the advice column!” Ginny glared at her friend who had just seated herself and pulled the letter away to begin responding to it.

“But it works! Honest. Just add a little toothpaste and-“

“Luna.” She fixed her eyes in a disapproving stare. Luna returned it.

“Well, did you actually have an answer to this problem?” Luna persisted.

“No, but-“

“Good. Now sign your name.”

Have a wonderful day, and remember: “always look on the bright side of life!”

-Ginny Weasley

- - - - - -

“Ginny,” her mother wrote, “I have heard of your newest responsibility as an advice columnist. I want you to know that your father and I are both extremely proud of you. It's not that we don't trust your good instinct, dear, but we'd feel a little more comfortable if our imput and family values were integrated into your advice. I've had Hermione send me some copies of a few letters you've received, and I have responded. Of course, feel free to expand on it as much as you wish. Oh, and Ginny darling, I know you probably don't approve of this, but Ron does. Don't you think you ought to please your brother once in a while?”

In other words, she would know if Ginny didn't use her advice, via Ron. Fantastic.

Dear Ginny,

I have a reputation for "playing" men and using them for sex. Recently I've met a man whom I want more than a good time with but he's frightened because of my rep. How do i make him see that I want more???

Lady Slytherin

Dear Lady Slytherin,

It's no surprise, don't all Slytherins tend to have that kind of reputation? But I guess, since you are writing to me, a supposedly low Gryffindor that you're not completely heartless. Okay, okay, all house prejudice aside-

I think what you really ought to do is knit him a nice sweater. Use his favourite colour, and you could even border the collar, hem and sleeves with nice little buttons. Wouldn't that be darling? Tell me if you need supplies.

Have a wonderful day, and remember: “turn that frown upside down!”

-Ginny Weasley

- - - - - - -

Ginny collected her remaining letters to answer and stuffed everything in the bag. She was making her way out the library when she encountered none other than Pansy Parkinson, the so-called Lady Slytherin herself (coincidence that they shared the same reputation?).

“Oh,” Pansy stopped, “hello,” she said frostily.

“Greetings,” said Ginny through gritted teeth.

Pansy raised an eyebrow at the girl and looked down her nose at her. “Rumour has it that you're taking up the advice column. Mind showing me the kind of feedback you've gotten?”

“Well, actually…” Ginny trailed off as Pansy made a grab for her bag.

“You know, I've always dreamt of being an advice columnist. I was wondering if you could… let me help you with a few of these letters?” Pansy sounded so honest and helpless that Ginny softened.

“Um…”

“Please, Ginny? I just broke up with my boyfriend and he broke my heart and I really need something to take my mind off it-“

“Oh, fine,” Ginny snapped and let Pansy keep the few letters she'd grabbed from her bookbag. “Just owl them to me before you send them in to Dumbledore, alright?”

“Oh, I don't think that'll be necessary.” Pansy turned around and hid a mischievious grin. “Have a great evening, Ginny, dear.”

- - - - - - -

Dear Ginny,

I want to know how you refrain from jumping Draco in the hallway??? :D

-meg

Dearest meg,

Oh it's so difficult to hide this inner passion I have for the Prince of Slytherin House. It's almost unbearable to hold all these emotions inside of me. I write secret poems to him every night. You know, I found this torn-up picture of him on the Quidditch field in December, and I've taped it together and put a water-repellant charm on it. Then I stuck it to the inside of my shower. It's an amazing experience. I suggest you try it.

Delightfully yours,

Giny Wesly

- - - - - - - - -

“What?!!!” Ginny shrieked when a fuming Ron handed her this week's paper. She scanned the article one more time. “That skank Pansy! I never should've took all her “broken heart” business outside the library.”

“Oh, so now I suppose we're to believe that you passed on your position to Pansy just for the heck of it,” snapped Ron miserably.

“Ron, I didn't write this. That stupid Slytherin-“ Ginny's sentence was abruptly cut off as someone took a hold of her sweater and spun her around.

“Weasley,” said Draco Malfoy, a newspaper clutched in his hand, “we have to talk.”

A/N: I know it's been a while… I got several offers to take up this story (actually I think the total count was about 15. Goodness!) but I decided to go along with this on my own. If you are still even reading this, let me know what you think. I've added a bit more plot, I hope D/G readers (as well as the other ships) could be interested in this fic. Thanks if you've stuck with me.

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6. ch. 6

“Weasley, we have to talk.”

Ginny gulped nervously as Malfoy tightened his grip on her wrist. He pulled her along to an abandoned classroom and shoved her inside before closing the door and placing a locking charm on it. “Weasley, we have to talk,” he repeated.

She wrung her hands and looked down. “Look, Malfoy, it's really not what you think. You have to believe me. See, Pansy Parkinson, she's you know, the blonde one with a bit of an... unusual nose-“

“Weasley,” Draco snapped. “I bloody well know who bloody Pansy bloody Parkinson bloody well is!” The boy's usual pale complexion was beginning to resemble that of an overcooked eggplant.

“Um, ok, but look, Parkinson took some of my letters and responded to one! And, knowing my luck, it had to be…” Ginny sniffed and looked at the ceiling.

“This one?” Malfoy shoved the parchment towards her, where she spotted the question and answer:

Dear Ginny,

I want to know how you refrain from jumping Draco in the hallway??? :D

-meg

Dearest meg,

Delightfully yours,

Giny Wesly

“It wasn't me!” Ginny said weakly and handed him back the parchment.

“You didn't spell your own name right, but I expect that happens often.”

“Malfoy-“

“The whole school bloody well didn't have to know what you use to wank off to-“

“You bastard!”

Draco paused. “What did you just call me?”

“I called you a bastard. An insecure, bloody disgusting bastard! It's beyond me who would even touch you, let alone bed you!”

Malfoy had Ginny pinned against the wall so fast she couldn't remember having traveled from the desk she was seated on to her current position on the opposite end of the classroom.

“Malfoy, unhand me!”

“Do you bloody well know what this has done to my reputation? I am famous for having a fanclub of gorgeous, skinny, desirable females! And you-“ he said, tightening his grip on her neck, “do not fit ANY of the above!”

If Ginny suffered a blow to her ego, she didn't show it. “You complete idiot!” she yelled, sending a swift punch towards his nose. Malfoy clutched it in horror as blood seeped through his cupped hands.

“Weasley! Do you not realize that you have just harmed the most aesthetically pleasing facial feature to ever-“

He was cut off as Ginny made a move to kick him in the groin, but instead landed on top of him, knocking them to the floor at the exact moment that the door burst open to reveal McGonagall and Flitwick in the middle of a philosophical conversation.

“Be it resolved that during the Gregarian war of Phira in 1231- Malfoy! Weasley! What in Merlin's name-“ Minerva McGonagall made a step towards the mangled pair of students, both of which were bloody from Draco's nosebleed.

“Now, now Minerva, I think a trip to visit Poppy is in order before any questions can be asked.”

“Yes, I, er, suppose. A levitation charm, please?”

- - - - - - - - - -

“Ah, Mr. Malfoy, Miss Weasley.” Dumbledore clucked his tongue at the two miserable teenagers seated in two seats facing his desk. “A broken arm, I see. Is it healing nicely after the trip to the Hospital Wing, Ginevra?”

Ginny turned to glare at Malfoy and mumbled a “yes, sir.”

Dumbledore turned to Draco. “And your nose, Draco? Stopped bleeding, I hope?”

Draco pursed his lips before responding. “Yessir.”

”Well, then. All medical inquiries aside, I am afraid that disciplinary action must be taken. You are both aware of the Hogwart's zero-tolerance policy for violence?”

“Yes, sir,” Ginny responded, rubbing her aching shoulder.

“Very well, then. I am sure you are both eager to return to your housemates, therefore I will make this short. This is your assignment for the next four months.” Dumbledore reached behind his bureau and pulled up a large duffel bag brimming with rolled parchment.

Both students groaned in unison.

- - - - - - - - -

The Hogwarts Advice Column

A Malfoy-Weasley Collaboration

Welcome to the newly designed Hogwarts Advice Column! Submissions are welcome, addressed to either Draco or Ginny. Please keep submissions anonymous, we are here to help you!

Sincerely,

Draco Malfoy “Of course, being blonde wasn't intentional, but the ladies love it…”

and

Ginny Weasley “Family matters.”

- - - - - - - -

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7. Dear Draco and Ginny

A/N: It has been ages since I last updated this fic, and I kind of got out of the fanfiction thing for a while, but if you guys are still interested in reading, I will continue to write. Remember to send in your questions! Oh, and this story probably won't go up to R. I'm not keen on writing sex scenes so if you are interested in that I apologize. Also, I'm a bit out of practice when it comes to fanfiction writing so please bear with me.

“Ouch!”

Scribble, scribble, pause. Draco Malfoy looked up from his parchment.

“Geeze, that hurts you know.”

Draco rolled his eyes and refilled his quill with ink.

“Ouch!”

Scribble, scribble, scribble. Page flip. Pause.

“Grr… ouch!”

Slamming his book down, Draco glared at the opposite side of the table in irritation. “Pansy, would you cut it out?”

“This plant from Herbology won't stop poking me.”

“It's not the plant,” Draco muttered.

Pansy looked up in surprise. “What?”

“I said, it's not the plant.” He looked meaningfully under the table.

“Weasley!” exclaimed Pansy in shock. “What the hell are you doing?”

Ginny, a slight pink tint to her cheek, crawled out from under the table and brushed herself off. She was holding a purple-inked quill. Pansy glared at her. “What the hell are you doing?” she repeated.

Ginny blushed further. She couldn't admit that making holes and purple ink marks on Pansy's robe and skirt was her small attempt at getting revenge for her nasty trick. She couldn't do much else with her broken arm.

Pansy looked down at her skirt. “Ech! Weasley! Draco, did you see what she did to my clothes?”

Draco looked up from his parchment. “Pathetic,” he said lazily. He didn't make it clear to what or whom he was referring to, thus Ginny was content that Draco insulted his housemate, and Pansy was satisfied with his comment on the little Weasley's stupid joke. Neither questioned the direction of the response.

“Well then,” Pansy said, “dinner is in an hour and I want to get changed out of these robes, which I'll have to burn thanks to your new Gryffindor friend.”

“We're not friends,” Draco and Ginny recited simultaneously.

Pansy gathered up her books and her plant and looked at them in disgust. “Two weeks together and already you even say the same things at the same time,” she huffed and walked off. Ginny sat in the now unoccupied seat across from Draco.

“Now that I've finally got rid of her, let's get these stupid letters out of the way so that I don't have to look at you for longer than necessary,” Draco said.

Ginny pulled the bag of letters up on the table and picked a few at random. She muttered something under her breath that sounded a bit like “stuck-up cow”, and Draco scowled.

“How's that broken arm, Weasley? Must find it hard to shower and complete your other activities with only one working limb.” Now it was Ginny's turn to scowl.

“At least I shower in the first place,” she retorted.

Draco smirked. “At this point Weasley, I'd actually rather you didn't, if you get my jist.”

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The Hogwarts Advice Column

A Weasley-Malfoy Collaboration

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Dear Malfoy and Weasley,

I'm in my sixth year here at Hogwarts, and I still have never had a boyfriend. I may not be the best looking person ever, or the smartest, but isn't there always someone out there? Or is it just me?

Oh-So-Lonely

Dear Oh-So-Lonely,

Don't worry, your time will come. Your time may be tomorrow, or two weeks from now, or even a month or a year, but rest assured that it will most certainly--

Or it may never come. But, there is always someone unattractive and stupid out there. Look in Gryffindor, I can think of two boys in particular who may match, or even more likely, surpass, your physical credentials for unattractiveness.

Good day,

Ginny Weasley

Draco Malfoy

Dear Draco,

What the hell do you think you are doing?! Your advice is useless. And, in case you haven't noticed, no one follows it. So tell Dumbledore to go put his head in the toilet and count to a million.

Selena Lupin

Dear Selena Lupin,

I sincerely hope that by the time you read this it will have occurred to you that I would very much enjoy telling Dumbledore to go put his head in the toilet and count to a million-

However, I'm sure there's a more efficient method of cleaning the school latrines. How about we stick your head down there and hope we don't have to count to a million before we feel the need to flush?

Good day,

Draco Malfoy

Ginny Weasley

Dear Malfoy
I have brown hair but my sister wants me to dye it black and my other sister would rather I dye it red. I haven't seen either of them in a long time and for some strange reason my hair is of large importance to them. Any suggestions?
sincerely
hair troubles

Dear Hair Troubles,

If you are not naturally blonde and are considering dyeing it red, I suggest you shave your hair off entirely.

Good day,

Draco Malfoy

Dear Ginny,
I have a temper problem, if some one makes me mad I just want to bash their head in. Can you please tell me how to control my temper?

Fire Red

Dear Fire Red,

I am really not the best person to ask for this as I have quite a temper myself. Working with Malfoy does require quite a bit of self-restraint however, so I suggest you do as I do: count to 3 and close your eyes and-

Hope he doesn't become any hotter.

Good day,

Definitely not Draco Malfoy and most certainly Ginny Weasley

Ginny yawned and stretched her arms above her head. “I'm beat, Malfoy. It's past midnight. I need to sleep.”

Draco spun his quill between his aching fingers. “Tired already? I do suppose you're not used to being up this late.”

Ginny grabbed her book bag and stooped down to pluck a few extra letters to add to the pile. “What's that supposed to mean?”

Draco smirked. “This is around the time most of us attractive people get laid…”

Ginny blushed and grabbed her sweater before making her way towards the door. “Hey Weasley!” he called.

She paused and turned around. “What?”

He waved a letter at her. “You forgot to answer this one.”

Ginny stifled another yawn. “You answer it. I'm going to bed.”

As he heard the door to the library close, Draco examined the letter. He clutched it tightly in his hand and then released it to smooth out the wrinkles. He took out a quill.

Hello Ginny.

How's life treating you? Anyways, Ginny, I think you are brilliant and sexy and Wonderful and....... Anyways, will you go out with me?
Sincerely,
A Slytherin who is most definitely not Blaise Zabini (But he secretly is. So whaddya say Ginny?)

Draco grabbed the last of the pile of letters to which he had responded, and placed the most recent one on top before gathering his things and walking towards the common room.

Blaise:

No.

Good Day,

Draco Malfoy

A/N: Whoever can come up with the funniest question will be chosen to respond to another question as a special guest character in the upcoming chapter. Will it be you?

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The Hogwarts Advice Column

1. Dear Draco

2. Dear Draco, number 2

3. Apologies

4. Dear Ginny

5. Important.

6. ch. 6

7. Dear Draco and Ginny