H/Hr Fics: A Parody

Jack Ryan

Rating: PG13
Genres: Humor
Relationships: Harry & Hermione
Book: Harry & Hermione, Books 1 - 6
Published: 29/03/2004
Last Updated: 02/08/2005
Status: in_progress

NEW CHAPTER UP! Some HBP riffs included in this new one...Just a very humorous parody of H/Hr fics; inspired by Oy! Angie's Snogwarts: A Parody.

Chapters

1. Bloody Hell, Why Are We Always Doing Flying Lessons?

2. The Moment You’ve Been Waiting For---The Appearance of the V

3. Return to Hogwarts and the Crowning of King Potter

4. Random Chapter...

5. She Is The One

6. American Idol Invades Hogwarts

7. You

8. True Beauty Lies In The Imperfections

9. Harry and the Broomstick

10. Delusional!

11. The Inevitable Fight

1. Bloody Hell, Why Are We Always Doing Flying Lessons?

A Parody of H/Hr Fics

Author’s Note: Hey, everybody, I got this idea while reading Oy! Angie’s hilarious parody of L/J fanfics: Snogwarts: A Parody. That was a parody of a L/J fic, so I’m gonna do a parody of a H/Hr fic. I doubt it’ll be as funny as Oy! Angie’s, but hey, why not? It’ll be in a play-style format (no real paragraphs, pretty much all dialogue)…And yes, I will be making fun of even some of the clichés I use. This is purely in fun, so if you get offended and flame me, I’ll laugh… So here goes…a typical H/Hr sixth-year fic:

TITLE: Harry Potter and the Green Flame Torch (Even Though JKR Has Confirmed This Will NOT Be the Title of the Sixth Book, It Is Accepted As the Rightful Title)

Chapter One---Bloody Hell, Why Are We Always Doing Flying Lessons?

(Harry gets an invite from the Weasleys---mainly because nobody wants to write Dursley scenes. The fact that the Weasleys probably aren’t ample protection against Voldemort and Grimmauld Place is more likely is ignored. After all, how can you have flying lessons at Grimmauld Place?)

HARRY: Wow, I got an invite from the Weasleys! Boy, I can’t wait to go! Especially, since Hermione’s there! (Pauses) And Ron, too!

(Ignoring these random feelings for Hermione, Harry eagerly awaits for the Weasleys to arrive)

HARRY: Wow, this is great! I’m eagerly awaiting for the Weasleys to arrive)

MR. DURSLEY: They’re not coming in by the way they came in last time, are they?

HARRY: No, they’re renting a car. From where, I don’t know.

MR. DURSLEY: I see.

(Doorbell rings…Harry walks over and sees his Ron and Hermione)

HERMIONE: It’s great to see you, Harry!

(Hermione and Harry hug…Ron is ignored)

HARRY: You’ve grown so much in the summer.

(For some reason, Hermione has become a hip, popular slut. Harry sees that she is wearing a tight black shirt, pink hot pants, and she’s straightened her hair. He looks at her butt, assuming that Harry’s now a pervert. Harry doesn’t know why, but unfortunately for him, the authors of fanfics about him want to make him do it so they can get a laugh and also wish that they could do the same in their own life. But they’re sorry, no-account nerds and only wish they could get a hot, popular girl like Hermione now is. As for the girl authors, they just think it’s funny because they want to amuse themselves into thinking they have nice butts.)

HERMIONE: Let’s just ignore Ron, since after all this is a H/Hr fic!

HARRY: Sounds like a good idea!

RON: What about my love life and my unresolved feelings for Hermione?

HARRY: Those don’t matter! The author will definitely pair you with a sane Luna/not slutty Lavender/an annoying other character who probably can do everything right and is American!

RON: Oh boy, I’ll bet she’s as hot as Mione here.

HARRY: So why do we call her Mione anyway?

RON: I dunno…some fanfiction author made it up and everyone else liked it. So you call her Mione now, because after all, you’ve got to give some cute pet nickname!

HARRY: You’re right, since I’ve got all these new feelings for her!

MR. WEASLEY: Um, guys, can we go to the Burrow?

(When they reach the Burrow, Harry, Ron, and Hermione walk outside. Ginny, Fred, and George are already outside.)

HARRY: Let’s play Quidditch! I’ll get my Firebolt, never mind that it’s still back at Hogwarts!

(Begin to play Quidditch, while Hermione reads some long book or the other. Harry stops every few seconds to get a good look at Hermione.)

HARRY: I’ve caught the Snitch on my lost Firebolt! I’m the best!

(Everyone cheers Harry, the best player in a millennium!)

RON: Since I’m no longer jealous of Harry’s talents, I think he’s the best player ever! You could play for England, Harry!

HARRY: I know.

(Everyone dismounts, leaving for some lame reason or the other, leaving Harry alone with Hermione.)

HARRY: Hey, Hermione. Wanna fly with me?

HERMIONE: Bloody hell, why are we always doing flying lessons? I might mess up my cute arse.

HARRY: Come on, Hermione. Every author wants you to do this.

HERMIONE: But when does it say in canon that I can’t fly and hate to fly? JKR only says that I was nervous about it!

HARRY: Sorry, but everyone now accepts it as fact that you’re afraid of heights, hate to fly, but would love to get up on a broomstick with me.

HERMIONE: (coyly) Which broomstick?

HARRY: Later, Hermione. First, we gotta do this flying.

HERMIONE: Fine.

(They fly, but Hermione soon comes to enjoy the ride, as always, because, you know, flying with Harry will always cure acrophobia.)

HERMIONE: That was the best, Harry! I love you!

HARRY: You do?

HERMIONE: No, I meant that I really care for you! Sorry, slip of the tongue!

HARRY: (dumbly) Okay.

HERMIONE: Come on, let’s go back inside and enjoy lemonade.

(Go back inside and enjoy lemonade)

HARRY: Hmmm…I wonder what happened to that Voldemort guy?

HERMIONE: It doesn’t matter, you’ll meet him eventually. You’ve got to fall in love with me first! Voldemort’s going to wait until that happens before he attacks!

HARRY: Right. I forgot. Sorry…who’s that redhead guy sitting next to us?

HERMIONE: Ron, remember? Come on, let’s get in some dialogue so reviewers don’t flame us and say that Ron’s totally nonexistent. Hi, Ron!

RON: Hi, guys! I just love being ignored! After all, I’m definitely not an attention-seeking prat who wants all the glory!

HARRY: That’s the spirit, Ron. So have you met your new love interest?

RON: No, but I suspect that we might find a transfer or someone on our train to Hogwarts. American bodies are hot!

HARRY: Dude, you’re so right! Gimme five! (High-five) And we all know that we’ve got to put an American in the story.

HERMIONE: After all, the majority of the authors are American and don’t want to give the Brits everything.

HARRY: Right as always, Hermione! Oh well…at least I can stare at that body while dreaming of you!

HERMIONE: Shouldn’t you be dreaming of my body?

HARRY: (dismissively) Yeah, yeah, I will. You’ve got a nice new look, though. Where’d you get it?

HERMIONE: Plastic surgery. Since, after all, nobody can stand having me with bushy hair that’s not perfect for their beloved Harry. Also, I’ve got to get humongous breasts and a nice butt. (Sigh) It’s tough being your lover, Harry.

HARRY: Not yet, Hermione! We’ve got to keep this story going so the author can get more reviews! (At this point, the author begs on hands and knees for reviews)

HERMIONE: Yeah, I heard that the author might even respond to each review in the next chapter!

HARRY: That always makes them want to review, which in turn, boosts the self-esteem of the author!

HERMIONE: And us!

HARRY: Because when the author’s happy, we end up snogging!

(Ginny walks in)

GINNY: Hi, everybody. I came in to make my obligatory appearance in the story. Just to let you all know, I’m dating Draco Malfoy, who’s now a good guy. After all, the author can’t bear to have their beloved Tom Felton play a bad guy! Draco’s now good! Accept him.

RON: (mock outrage) But Ginny, he’s evil!

GINNY: No, he’s not. I told you, he’s good now!

RON: Fine, I guess we’ll accept him. Why we’ll do that I don’t know…maybe because the author can’t think of a good reason why we should.

(Ginny hugs Ron)

GINNY: I love you, Ron!

RON: Thanks, Gin. Now get off, before people start becoming suspicious about us.

GINNY: Don’t worry, my lips are sealed.

RON: Shut up! You don’t want everybody to know that we secretly have sex every night! It’ll ruin your relationship with Draco and my future one with an American babe!

GINNY: Okay, I’ll keep my mouth shut.

HARRY: (oblivious to Ron’s revelation) So, Hermione, want to continue those flying lessons?

HERMIONE: Not really.

HARRY: Come on, you have to! It’s required for any H/Hr fic!

HERMIONE: But----

HARRY: No buts. You can’t argue with this, Hermione. Everybody does it.

HERMIONE: (sniffles) A lot of people do drugs. You don’t!

HARRY: (looks up from taking a hit of cocaine) What?

HERMIONE: (sigh) Never mind.

HARRY: No, tell me what’s wrong, babe. You love me, right?

HERMIONE: Just as a friend.

HARRY: That’s what you think.

***

(Weasley Library That Doesn’t Exist)

HERMIONE: Harry, I think you need to begin studying and working hard.

(Harry stops looking at Hermione’s breasts, which are exposed for some reason.)

HARRY: Sorry, what?

HERMIONE: I think you need to begin studying and working hard.

HARRY: Why?

HERMIONE: Because fanfics authors love to make you start studying in the summer. That way, you and I will have something in common and romance can start! By the end of the summer, you’ll be super-smart, completing your transformation from a real character into a typical Other Character!

HARRY: Where can I sign up?

***

(Obligatory Voldemort scene)

VOLDEMORT: Wormtail, my friend. Let’s plot something diabolical.

WORMTAIL: What, my Lord?

VOLDEMORT: I don’t know yet, so let’s give readers a bunch of cryptic signals.

WORMTAIL: Okay.

VOLDEMORT: I want you to go to this place and meet up with that guy. He will show you a thing that leads you to some stuff. The stuff will be a mountain of pizza which was built by some things. If you go into the middle of it, the plan will work.

WORMTAIL: (nods) Sounds evil, My Lord!

VOLDEMORT: It is.

WORMTAIL: But what’s the plan supposed to be?

VOLDEMORT: Get out of my sight! Didn’t I tell you that I didn’t know yet! God, now the readers will think I don’t have a plan and won’t leave a review! (At this point, the author begs on hands and knees for reviews)

***

(Back to the romance at the Burrow)

HARRY: So, anyway, you gonna do that flying with me?

HERMIONE: Where’s Ron?

HARRY: (shrugs) I don’t know. He isn’t really that important, anyway. Come on, let’s fly.

HERMIONE: All right.

(They fly around for a while, and then land.)

HARRY: For some reason, I have a great urge to kiss you.

HERMIONE: Probably because the author thinks it’ll be cute to have us a kiss after a nice little flying session.

HARRY: So, you want to kiss?

HERMIONE: No, I’m afraid not. I’ve got to play hard-to-get, remember? Because otherwise, the author will be forced to get to his/her plot, which would be bad!

HARRY: Why would that be bad?

HERMIONE: Duh! The author doesn’t have a plot.

HARRY: Gotcha. So we’ve got to delay, until he/she can steal one from another author.

HERMIONE: I always knew you were bright.

HARRY: (stupidly) Thanks, Mione.

HERMIONE: What’s with that stupid name again? My name’s Hermione.

HARRY: You’re being the dumb one now! Your new name is Mione!

HERMIONE: I don’t like it.

HARRY: It doesn’t matter. It’s cute, according to reviewers, which is the most important thing! (At this point, the author begs on hands and knees for reviews)

HERMIONE: Okay, fine. I just wish it didn’t sound so stupid.

HARRY: It’s just like those flying lessons. Life’s tough.

HERMIONE: (sticks tongue out at Harry) At least you won’t be getting a kiss for a while!

HARRY: (kicks ground childishly) Dang it! Come on, Mione, let’s fly around some more! You know you love flying lessons!

(Hermione groans.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Author’s Note: Okay, I thought it was funny. So if you guys didn’t that’s okay! At least, I made myself laugh. :) Anyway, review, if you can! (Lol, pitiful, isn’t it?)

2. The Moment You’ve Been Waiting For---The Appearance of the V

Disclaimer: You fill this in. You know that I don’t know anything :) Remember this is solely for the purpose of being fun! A lot of the concepts I ridicule are concepts included in my own sixth year fic.

Author’s Note: Many of the reviewers were asking if I was British. Nope, I’m actually American. It’s just a fact that there is way too many Americans popping up at Hogwarts and becoming important Gary Stus or Mary Sues. This concept will continue to be ridiculed, even though I love America! We just have a few idiots…as said by some of the reviewers. Now, last chapter, the “supposed author” was begging for reviews, so here’s a bunch of fake reviews and their “responses.”

IWannaHoldYourHand---Thanks for all the support, John! You’re a real friend! Keep putting up those reviews.

KissMeImIrish---Trust me, the plot will get interesting. I know you’re anxious, but it’ll be speeding up soon. (At this point, the nose of the author takes a surprising and unexpected turn for the worst---growing six inches!)

OHYEAH---You’re the best, OHYEAH! (Never mind that whenever I say your name, I keep thinking I’m getting some booty…if you know what I mean.)

And as for the one flamer…

Ihavenollifebuttogoandflamepeoplebecauseimastupidnerd---I’m sorry that you feel that way, but please keep flaming me! That way there will be more reviews, which will make my story look good! They’re no more ratings, so nobody’ll know what you think of my story! Keep it up!

Without further ado, the story!

Chapter Two---The Moment You’ve Been Waiting For---The Appearance of the Vapid American!

(Harry’s staring at himself vainly in the mirror.)

HARRY: Potter, Harry Potter.

RON: What are you doing?

HARRY: Practicing my lines.

RON: For what?

HARRY: To introduce myself to the American babe/transfer we’ll be meeting on the train.

RON: How do you know we’ll be meeting an American babe/transfer on the train?

HARRY: It always happens. I know you’re going to get her in the end, but I’ve got to make Hermione jealous for a little angst. The author of this story needs to make sure it doesn’t get lovey-dovey too fast.

RON: Right.

(Weasley Home---Breakfast)

MRS. WEASLEY: Breakfast for everyone! Sausages, eggs, bangers and mash, pudding, porridge, treacle tart, Yorkshire pudding, kippers…(Mrs. Weasley keeps going as the author tries to infuse some British-ness into the story, failing miserably.)

HARRY: Oh boy! Thanks, Mrs. Weasley! You’re like a mother to me!

(Collective “Aw….” that warms the author’s heat and makes him/her hope for more reviews.)

MRS. WEASLEY: (misty-eyed) I know…it’s hard to believe that only last year you were a normal boy! Now you’re Super-Potter! You can do everything and you’re handsome too!

HARRY: You know it.

HERMIONE: What’s for breakfast?

RON: Don’t ask.

(The trio begins to eat breakfast, Harry and Hermione stealing looks at each other because they’re already irrevocably, inevitably, undeniably, irreversibly in love. Or something like it.)

HARRY: How do you think my hair looks Hermione?

HERMIONE: Same as always.

HARRY: No, it doesn’t!

HERMIONE: I don’t know…I don’t look at your hair too closely.

(Author grins, hoping that the readers see some angstiness in the scene! Everyone knows that reviewer loves angstiness!)

HARRY: Oh. Wait…I know why. You’re always looking into my beautiful eyes.

HERMIONE: Um, yeah.

(Mr. Weasley suddenly has the pull to get cars from the Ministry. *Cough*Stolen*Cough*… And of course, Dumbledore still hasn’t said anything---knowing that Harry’ll be safe in a Ministry car driven by the Weasleys. Um yeah, whatever.)

MR. WEASLEY: Here we are, the station!

(Everyone loads their luggage onto the train and they all go and sit in the back)

RON: Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you, Harry! I gave up my prefect’s badge! You want to know why?

HARRY: Why?

RON: Because the author felt that if you and Hermione are prefects you’ll get to hang out together. Plus, they want to right the perceived “wrong” that you were dealt by JKR in the fifth year.

HARRY: No problem with me. Now I can continue to becoming a perverted Super-Potter! I’ll be able to see Hermione in her nighties!

(Harry and Ron do a secret handshake---even though neither probably knows what one is.)

(Harry and Hermione go to the prefect’s meeting, receive their badges, blah blah. INTERRUPTION: These parts of a fanfics author’s story are so boring that I can’t even make fun of them….Anyway, back to the story!)

(Harry and Hermione return to the compartment where Ron is playing cards with himself, since he gets easily amused like that. Hermione begins to read, sticking to her canon character for a little bit, even though she is currently dressed in a halter top, capris, and sandals. You know---for those warm Scotland nights.)

HARRY: You look sexy, Hermione.

HERMIONE: How romantic.

HARRY: I know.

(Door opens and in comes…drumroll please…THE VAPID AMERICAN PRINCESS! A long description is provided, seemingly matching up with the looks of the author, if it is a girl (of course if it’s a guy, they just describe their dream girl---blonde or brown hair, with “perky” breasts and a nice butt. Hmmm…something may be afoot.)

HARRY AND RON: (tongues lolling out of their mouths, drooling) What’s your name?

VAPID AMERICAN PRINCESS: Sarah McCants. (Interestingly enough, the author’s name seems to be close to that. Not that your humble teller of the story is suggesting anything.)

HARRY AND RON: Can we take you somewhere and shag you senseless?

SARAH: (with boldness the girl authors only wish they had) The three of us?

HARRY AND RON: Oh, yeah! (Remember the reviewer?)

HERMIONE: (sniffles) I hardly think you should all degrade yourselves like that.

HARRY AND RON: But she’s the All-American, sexy, vapid, super-perfect, unrelentingly beautiful hottie from New York! We’ve got to try her out.

HERMIONE: But you’re both virgins!

HARRY: (realizes that he’s supposed to be with Hermione) Oh yeah, sorry, Mione. (Hermione growls) Ron, you can do it alone.

RON: All right!

(Ron and the American babe disappear, presumably to shag one another senseless. This, of course, conveniently ignores the fact that Ron is still a…drumroll please…VIRGIN! And I doubt he’d go and shag someone he just met two minutes ago…anyway, on with the parody!)

HARRY: So, Hermione, I guess it’s just you and me, then, huh?

HERMIONE: We’re not going to do what they’re doing.

HARRY: But you’re certainly dressed for it!

(Hermione slaps Harry. As Harry reels forward, he glimpses her creamy you-know-whats and he is satisfied with the endeavor.)

HERMIONE: Don’t call me a slut, Harry Potter!

HARRY: That’s Potter. Harry Potter.

HERMIONE: Whatever.

HARRY: Just like you’re Mione.

HERMIONE: But I want to be called Hermione, like I told you earlier in the summer.

HARRY: We’ve been through this. I’ve got to have a cute pet nickname for you and this is the accepted one.

HERMIONE: We’re stopping those flying lessons, though, aren’t we? (Hermione on her knees, begging)

HARRY: We’re going to have to have at least one flight around Hogwarts. Everyone does it.

HERMIONE: Fine…but no more after that?

HARRY: Depends on whether you kiss me that night or not.

HERMIONE: I guess that depends on where we are in the story…the closer we are to the middle or end, it’s more likely. Can’t ruin the author’s story too soon.

HARRY: Of course.

(Ron and Sarah reenter, satisfied smiles on both their faces. Ron’s hair is disheveled and Sarah’s shirt is on backwards.)

HARRY: You guys are disgusting…

RON: (smugly) You’re just jealous.

HARRY: Arggh! Go away, Ron! This is my fic!

RON: All right…(Ron makes typical lame excuse and leaves with Sarah, leaving the Dynamic Duo alone again.)

(The author decides that to continue to attract readers a kiss would be good soon.)

HARRY: So, whatcha readin’?

HERMIONE: Standard Book of Spells, Level Six.

HARRY: Sounds interesting.

HERMIONE: How would you know? You’ve never read a single one of them.

(Out of nowhere, Harry slowly turns Hermione’s face towards his.)

HARRY: Hermione…

(Their lips touch and the kiss begins rapidly escalating---why? Nobody knows---and soon they’re doing full tongue-on-tongue. Never mind that they just started kissing two seconds ago. Now…time for the blessed interruption.)

RON: I’m back for my ill-timed interruption!

(Harry and Hermione break up)

HARRY: Jeez, Ron, why do you always do that?

RON: Sorry, Harry. I can’t help that I do the same thing in thousands of fanfics.

(Hermione runs away, so that the author can do a quick exit scene.)

RON: You better go talk to her.

HARRY: No worries. I will. After all, I’ve done it a thousand times.

RON: True, My Lord.

HARRY: My Lord?

RON: That’s what the beloved fans of yours do to me!

HARRY: Oh well. Not my problem.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Author’s Note: A bit shorter, but I hope that’ll keep you laughing for a while!

3. Return to Hogwarts and the Crowning of King Potter

Disclaimer: You fill this in. You know that I don't know anything :) Remember this is solely for the purpose of being fun! A lot of the concepts I ridicule are concepts included in my own sixth year fic. I HAVE EDITED THIS BACK DOWN TO PG-13…Please leave a review even if you did for my previous R-rated version, because I lost all those reviews and yes, I love reviews…Without further ado, the edited Chapter 3!

TITLE: Harry Potter and the Green Flame Torch (Even Though JKR Has Confirmed This Will NOT Be the Title of the Sixth Book, It Is Accepted As the Rightful Title)

Chapter Three---Return to Hogwarts and the Crowning of King Potter

(Harry is looking for Hermione, who ran away after he kissed her)

HARRY: Hermione, where are you, love? I need to find you. I want to kiss you and then make love to you till you can't breathe anymore!

(Comes upon Hermione in an empty compartment, staring out the window, since it is cheesy and romantic. And all bad authors love cheese---it makes them seem like good authors.)

HARRY: Hermione, why did you run away?

HERMIONE: I can't do this, Harry.

HARRY: Why not, Hermione?

HERMIONE: Because if we get together, then the story's pretty much over since the author's not good at writing sex scenes! Nobody'll be interested anymore. We've got to keep this angstiness going!

HARRY: (sighing in defeat) I guess you're right. You always know best.

HERMIONE: Even in a halter top.

HARRY: So, you want to do the typical make-up scene, where we agree to forget it and pretend it never happened? It makes life easy for the author----nobody wants Harry and Hermione in a fight.

HERMIONE: You're right. (Shakes hand formally with Harry and they hug. Harry peeks down for a few seconds to continue his perverted endeavor into the world of Hermione's body, before releasing her. They walk back to their compartment, where Ron is suddenly magically away. Of course, the vapid American princess may have something to do with it.)

HARRY: I guess Ron's suddenly away. I wonder if the vapid American princess may have something to do with it.

HERMIONE: Jeez, this author sucks! What kind of redundancy is that?

HARRY: (Said in a commanding tone) Shut up, Hermione. I'm looking at your luscious behind.

HERMIONE: Stop, Harry! That's later, all right?

HARRY: Fine.

(Ron returns with Sarah, a big smile on his face.)

HARRY: What were you doing?

RON: (smirking) The gift that keeps on giving.

HERMIONE: You two are gross. You've barely know each other for any time at all!

RON: You don't need to know the other person to have sex.

HERMIONE: That's the most disgusting, pigheaded thing I've ever heard you say! (And that's saying something!)

RON: (shrug) Let me tell you, Harry, this babe is definitely worth it.

SARAH: I know I am. I'm so beautiful and perfect…of course, would you expect any less? For God's sake, I'M AMERICAN! Nothing is as perfect as I am.

RON: Especially in bed. You must have so much experience, Sarah.

SARAH: (giggles) I've been around the block a few times.

RON: (turns to Harry) Damn, she gives it hard.

HARRY: I bet the French do it better.

(Hermione seeing that this conversation is going to gradually delve into heavy debauchery, leaves the room.)

RON: I don't know…

HARRY: Come on, their national symbol is the Eiffel Tower, you know?

RON: So?

HARRY: The Eiffel Tower's basically a thousand-foot you-know-what.

RON AND SARAH: I never thought of it that way.

HARRY: That's because you're not as perverted and smart as Super-Potter.

(Train ride comes to an end; Harry, Ron, and Sarah meet up with Hermione and go into the Great Hall. First years file in…blah blah…the author's too lazy to make up a new Sorting Hat song and skims that part until…

MCGONAGALL: McCants, Sarah!

(Sarah walks in and is obviously Sorted into Gryffindor, where every guy immediately falls in love with her. She is American, you know. She flirts with all of them, and nobody can get enough of her.)

HERMIONE: (sniffles) That girl is so annoying.

HARRY: What are you talking about? She's perfect, beautiful, and smart! Everything you'd expect from someone who came from New York! (Jack Ryan steps in to say, “Yeah, right,” before leaving to continue his telling of the story.)

HERMIONE: How do you know she's smart?

HARRY: She's a Mary Sue. She has to be.

HERMIONE: But you still are secretly in love with me, right?

HARRY: Of course, Mione. Otherwise we wouldn't have much of a story.

HERMIONE: I dunno…angstiness and you dating someone else would be a nice twist.

HARRY: (blankly) What are you talking about, Hermione? Surely you don't mean that a fanfic author would actually come up with a new idea? That's unheard of!

HERMIONE: (blushes) Of course, you're right! How could I forget! Originality is so nineteen hundreds!

HARRY: Um, Hermione, we're still in the nineteen hundreds.

HERMIONE: (waves it off) I know, I know. But authors always like to pretend that the story is happening present day---it makes it easier for them to put modern-day references.

HARRY: Like, “You're fired!”

HERMIONE: Where'd that come from?

HARRY: Donald Trump's new show. It's great…(Harry proceeds to talk about “The Apprentice” while the readers silently wish that author wouldn't have to advertise the shows he/she liked. Jack Ryan observes that “The Apprentice” is overrated.)

HERMIONE: (clearing throat) Anyway…

(Random rush of Gryffindors, Slytherins, Ravenclaws, and Hufflepuffs towards Harry.)

RANDOM SLYTHERIN WHOM WE'LL CALL MICHAEL JACKSON: Wow, Harry, you were right about everything last year! I think I'm gonna ignore the fact that I'm Slytherin and become a fan of yours…and you know what that means!

DRACO MALFOY: You disgusting loser! Potter sucks! Nobody in their right mind would want to do Michael Jackson-like things to him.

(Nobody listens, all eager to coronate King Potter.)

RANDOM RAVENCLAW WHO SAYS HER NAME IS BRITNEY SPEARS: Like, oh my gosh…you know that, like, you know, like…you were right all the time…it's really, like, amazing! I can't believe I, you know, like…doubted you last year!

RANDOM HUFFLEPUFF GOING BY THE NAME OF O.J. SIMPSON: I'm telling you…I'm looking for the real killers. I'm innocent.

EVERYONE: Huh?

O.J. SIMPSON: Never mind.

HARRY: I know I'm loved, but I didn't know that all of you wanted to beg for forgiveness!

EVERYONE: Forgive us, Harry! We love you! You're the king of us all! You're so perfect!

HARRY: I know.

(Dumbledore is ignoring this coronation as he watches Snape and McGonagall make out for no apparent reason. The author seems to be trying to inject humor into the situation.)

(Everybody laps at the feet of Harry and after he blesses them, he learns from Ron that the Vatican has just put him up for sainthood. This is no great shock, maybe a slight disappointment, as Harry was expecting them to rewrite the Bible to change all mentions of Jesus Christ to become `Harry Potter.')

HERMIONE: (sniffily, to create angstiness) I'm going to bed!

HARRY: Good night, Hermione! Get a good night's rest----that cute ass of yours should be looking good tomorrow.

(Hermione ignores him.)

EVERYONE: Can we kiss your feet, Harry?

HARRY: Yes, yes. But let me finish dinner first.

(Harry finishes dinner and then lets each kid pass by and kiss his feet reverentially.)

DRACO MALFOY: You're nothing, Potter! Wait until you meet up with the Dark Lord!

HARRY: I thought Ginny said you were a good guy.

DRACO MALFOY: Ginny's stupid, but she's a good screw, so I keep her around.

HARRY: Ah.

(After a while, Harry and Ron walk back to Gryffindor common room, satisfied with the meal and Harry's coronation.)

HARRY: Where's Sarah?

RON: Waiting for me in my bed.

HARRY: Are you gonna do that all night right next to me?

RON: Sure bet.

HARRY: Can I at least watch her hot body? I would love to see what she looks like naked.

RON: Tell you what----how about we go to the Room of Requirement and you can watch.

HARRY: Sounds great! I'll be sure to make sure not to watch you.

RON: (hugs Harry) You're the best.

HARRY: I know.

(Ron gets Sarah from the dormitories and troops off to the Room of Requirement, winking at Harry. Sarah gives him a flirty smile before leaving to screw Ron's brains out.)

HARRY: Well, it certainly has been a fun day. I wonder what tomorrow will bring. Wow, I'm such a deep thinker, aren't I?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Author's Note: Hope you liked it! These will continue to be short, but fun! Leave reviews----just like the imaginary author of the H/Hr fic, I slave for reviews. Thanks for the quick response from everybody! You all are truly the best.

P.S. As for my Green Flame Torch, sorry, but don't expect a chapter out until probably next month. (Cringe) Yes, I know, it's a long time, but I'm in severe writer's block (again) and would probably abandon the story if it weren't for all the reviews I'm getting. All fans of my writing, look out later in the year for my action/adventure/spy/political/romance H/Hr thriller! I'm doing pretty good on it and it should be out by the end of the summer----it's the best thing I've ever written and I hope you all will enjoy it. It's amazing.

4. Random Chapter...

Author’s Note: I’m back with another update…read and enjoy! I know that the style of each chapter is different, but it doesn’t matter, really, does it? It’s a parody after all!

TITLE: Harry Potter and the Green Flame Torch (Even Though JKR Has Confirmed This Will NOT Be the Title of the Sixth Book, It Is Accepted As the Rightful Title)

CHAPTER FOUR: Random Chapter That Doesn’t Have Anything To Do With Any Particular Foible of H/Hr Fics

MAGICAL CLOCK SOMEWHERE IN THE DORMITORY: Time for breakfast.

HARRY: I guess it’s time to go for breakfast.

RON: No kidding.

(The Dynamic Duo troops down to the Great Hall for breakfast where they are greeted with a an immense breakfast of kippers. What a great breakfast item, eh?)

HARRY: What a great breakfast item, eh?

RON: This story suffers from a lack of creativity.

(Hermione wanders in, wearing a loose v-neck that shows lots of her cleavage; after all Hermione did turn into a “girly-girl” over the summer. Nice short skirt for Harry to ogle as well.)

HARRY: Wow, that’s a really nice short skirt for me to ogle as well.

RON: SHUT UP!

HARRY: Hehe.

HERMIONE: Ewww…what’s this breakfast?

HARRY: I don’t know. I think that American authors just give us this kind of stuff in an effort to sound cultured.

HERMIONE: (shoves her plate away) I’m not eating this.

RON: I’ll eat anything.

(Takes Hermione’s plate and gorges himself. It’s time for Potions. Or, in fanfiction terminology, time to bash Professor Snape. The trio reaches the empty Potions classroom and the other students quickly join them.)

SNAPE: Well, well, well…

(It’s hard for him to intimidate anyone as he is only wearing his boxers for some reason. They are pink with little hearts. Never mind that Snape is an ACTUAL bad guy.)

SNAPE: I know that my boxers are sexy, but it’s time to focus on the class.

GIRLS: Uh-huh.

SNAPE: Turn to page three-hundred-and-ninety-four.

(INTERMISSION: Wasn’t that a great trailer? God, that movie looks awesome. Go Cuaron! Jack Ryan clears his throat and then returns to the “story.”)

CLASS: Yes, Professor Snape.

SNAPE: That’s the kind of discipline I expect. Hop-two-hippity-hop! (Good for anyone who caught the Matilda reference.)

(Class turns to page three hundred ninety four, for no other reason than it was really dramatic for Snape to say it. Then again, Alan Rickman could probably make any page number sound dramatic. “Turn to page onnnnnne.”)

SNAPE: Read the whole textbook, because the author’s too lazy to create an actual potion.

HARRY: That’s dumb.

SNAPE: (preening himself in front of a mirror) I missed the part where I cared what you thought.

HARRY: Wait a minute, I’m Harry J. Potter! You can’t talk to me like that! I’m the King of Hogwarts!

SNAPE: Dream on.

HARRY: You suck.

SNAPE: (leers at Harry and motions to Hermione) Your girlfriend does it better.

HARRY: If only I knew…hey, wait a minute, how would you know?!

(Snape smiles, thanking all those slash fanfiction authors.)

SNAPE: Do your reading, boy.

(Class ends twenty or so minutes later because the author doesn’t feel like elaborating on the dumb class. Time for some McGonagall action!)

RON: I hate Transfiguration.

HERMIONE: You hate every class.

RON: That’s not true! I like…um…well, you see…um…let me think for a moment…

(Hermione snickers, tossing her now shiny wave of brown hair in the air. Harry sighs)

HARRY: Sigh.

(Hermione rolls her eyes and leads the group to the Transfiguration room.)

MCGONAGALL: Turn to page three-hundred-and-ninety-four.

(The class stares in bewilderment at her.)

MCGONAGALL: Well, er…I was just trying to channel Professor Snape for a moment there.

HARRY: Right. What are we doing?

MCGONAGALL: Some Transfiguration thing or the other.

HARRY: Uh-huh.

(McGonagall drones on and on about some Transfiguration thing or the other. Finally, class is over)

HARRY: Finally, class is over!

RON: Would you stop that?

(Harry snickers)

HERMIONE: It’s time for lunch. Come on, guys. Let’s go.

(They walk into the lunch room and proceed to eat bangers and mash, whatever those are. Jack Ryan notes that he does know what bangers and mash are---everyone knows it’s the British codeword for pizza!)

HERMIONE: The mashed potatoes are really good.

JACK RYAN: Wait a minute, I thought bangers and mash was pizza!

RON: Whatever, American.

(Jack Ryan returns to a corner where he is quickly comforted by his girlfriend Katie (I think you know what that means---oh stop thinking like that, you perverts! I’m only fourteen---well, fifteen next week!). He then proceeds to laugh at the jealous guy in his class who wants Katie (and used to be Jack’s friend) for seven hours, thirteen minutes, and six seconds.)

HERMIONE: So, returning to the wizard world…

HARRY: Eyes, look your last! Arms, take your last embrace! And lips, O you the doors of breath, seal with a righteous kiss a dateless bargain to engrossing death!

(Jack Ryan steps into apologize. Too much Shakespeare over the last month or so.)

HERMIONE: I love that scene!

HARRY: You know me. I always look out for my woman’s needs.

HERMIONE: Um, I don’t need Romeo and Juliet.

HARRY: (shrugs) Same difference.

HERMIONE: You know, I hate when people say that! It makes no sense at all! Only idiots say things like that?

HARRY: Are you calling me an idiot?

HERMIONE: Well, if you weren’t one, you’d realize that immediately.

HARRY: Oh.

RON: Anyway, where’s my gorgeous Sarah?

HARRY: Probably screwing someone else.

RON: I guess so.

HERMIONE: Aren’t you afraid you’ll get STDs or something from her?

RON: (shrug) It doesn’t matter. The stuff I do with her more than makes up for it.

HERMIONE: Uh-huh.

HARRY: I know!

HERMIONE: How would you know?

HARRY: I watched them last night.

(Hermione shakes her head)

HERMIONE: Why do I even bother?

HARRY: I don’t know…and we ain’t had nothing but maggoty bread for threeeeeee steeenkin’ days!

(Hermione and Ron stare quizzically at Harry)

HARRY: Why can’t we have some meat?

HERMIONE: Um, Harry, there are sausages right in front of you.

(Harry looks over at some ditzy blondes who look like they’ve been channeled from ‘Mean Girls.’)

HARRY: What about their legs? They don’t need those.

RON: Okay, Harry, what planet are you living on?

HARRY: There is only one way to save our city.

HERMIONE: (patiently) Do you need to see the nurse, Harry?

HARRY: Neo.

HERMIONE AND RON: What?

HARRY: Misssssssstttttttttteeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Annnnnnndddddddddddddeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrssssssssssssssooooooooooonnnnnnnn …welcome back. We missed you.

HERMIONE: Let’s go to our next class, Harry.

(Harry grabs Hermione and thrusts her against the wall, kissing her on the lips firmly.)

HERMIONE: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

(Harry steps back and waves a finger at her.)

HARRY: To deny our own impulses is to deny the very thing that makes us human…

RON: Right, Harry…let’s just go to class.

HARRY: Okay, what class?

RON: Defense Against the Dark Arts.

HARRY: I wonder who we have it with.

HERMIONE: Well, if the author is a girl it’s probably going to be Tonks. And if it’s a guy, probably Lupin.

RON: Well, is the author a boy or a girl?

(Jack Ryan is mysteriously away…*cough* kissing his girlfriend *cough*…Katie says, “Hi” to you all by the way…so the characters don’t know whether their author is a boy or a girl.)

HARRY: Let’s just go to the class and see.

(They go to the class. Lupin sits behind the desk.)

HARRY, HERMIONE, AND RON: Boy author.

LUPIN: Hey, guys…whazzup? How’s it going in the crib? Down with it? I’m doing phat myself.

(They realize that Lupin is wearing a loose, baggy clothes, a large gold chain, and has grown his hair out)

LUPIN: I’m getting in touch with my jivin’ side.

HARRY, HERMIONE, AND RON: Stare.

LUPIN: Okay, I’m just doing this to impress my new girlfriend. (Sigh) So, how are you guys doing, anyway?

RON: Who’s your new girlfriend?

LUPIN: Some student in the school named Britney Spears.

HERMIONE: Isn’t that illegal?

HARRY: All of our lives we have fought this war. Tonight, I believe we can end it.

EVERYONE: Ignore.

LUPIN: Anyway, no, not really. The wizarding laws are very liberal on this kind of thing.

RON: Lucky for you, I guess.

LUPIN: Yeah, she is a hot little number.

HERMIONE: Anyway, let’s sit down, guys. It’s time for class.

RON: So, where’s Neville anyway? Or Luna? Considering that a bond was formed between them and us, it’s kind of surprising we haven’t seen them yet.

HERMIONE: Well, the author doesn’t like Neville because he’s clumsy and he doesn’t like Luna because she’s stupid. (Actually I don’t…it’s just that a lot of authors do dumb things like this)

RON: Crying shame. I was thinking that I could get Luna while Sarah was off with other guys…

HERMIONE: You’re disgusting.

HARRY: Where others may see coincidence, I see providence.

HERMIONE: Snap out of it, Harry!

HARRY: You are here because you know there is something wrong with the world. What you know you can’t explain.

HERMIONE: I know, I know, Harry. What is the Matrix? But come on, this isn’t the Matrix! This is Harry Potter and you’re losing your mind!

HARRY: Sam and I must get to Bree.

HERMIONE: This isn’t Lord of the Rings, either!

HARRY: May the Force be with you?

HERMIONE: Or Star Wars!

HARRY: Your love of the halfling’s leaf has clearly slowed your mind.

HERMIONE: You’re hopeless.

RON: At least class is about to start.

(Lupin teaches something or the other…still looking very hip in his clothes, though uncomfortable.)

LUPIN: Well, I guess class is over.

HARRY: (nods) Everything that has a beginning has an end.

(The class files out, going back to the common room to do homework. Ron disappears with Sarah. It’s the perfect time for Hermione and Harry to flirt…unfortunately, Harry fails to take advantage of this opportunity)

HARRY: Hermione, I want to tell you something important.

HERMIONE: (smiles sweetly at him, eagerly anticipating)

HARRY: With great power comes great responsibility.

(Hermione groans.)

(A few hours pass and soon, it’s time for dinner.)

HARRY: I guess have a few hours have passed and it’s time for dinner.

HERMIONE: Sigh.

*~*~*~*~*~*

Author’s Note: Hope you all liked it! Please review…

5. She Is The One

Disclaimer: You fill this in. You know that I don’t own anything :) Remember this is solely for the purpose of being fun! A lot of the concepts I ridicule are concepts included in my own sixth year fic. There are going to be several sexual jokes in this chapter.

Author’s Note: Yes, I do have a girlfriend and the reason for that interruption is none at all. It wasn’t meant to be funny. Just a comment! Read on.

TITLE: Harry Potter and the Green Flame Torch (Even Though JKR Has Confirmed This Will NOT Be the Title of the Sixth Book, It Is Accepted As the Rightful Title)

Chapter Five---She is the One

(It’s early morning the next day and Harry has awoken and is taking bath)

HARRY: Wow, you know that in the first five books JKR NEVER made me take a bath, except when I have the egg in Goblet of Fire, or brush my teeth?

MIRROR: Yeah, I’m glad I don’t have a nose.

HARRY: New definition of B.O., huh?

MIRROR: Definitely.

(He walks out, cleaning away five years of general grime, though it is slightly less than that, thanks to his one bath. He reaches the Great Hall)

HARRY: All hail the King!

EVERYBODY: HAIL!

HARRY: With great power comes great responsibility.

RON: You said that yesterday.

HARRY: I’m repeating it, because it’s important. Never forget that, Pete.

RON: My name is Ron.

HARRY: Sorry, I forgot. You only make random appearances in this story anyway.

RON: It’s rather convenient Sarah is there so I can disappear so often.

HARRY: Great author scheme, eh?

RON: What are you, Canadian?

HARRY: CANADIANS SUCK!

RON: Huh?

HARRY: Remember, Ron, this story is being written by an American. Americans think they’re better than everyone else.

RON: Oh yeah. FRENCHIES SUCK!

HARRY: No, the French are awesome. Love the food and wine.

RON: And the ladies.

HARRY: (smirk) Can’t forget that, can we?

RON: (eyeing Sarah’s behind) Nope, we can’t.

HARRY: So, is she wearing a thong?

RON: Yup, I can see it. God, I can’t wait to get my hands on that.

HARRY: You’re so lucky. I wish Hermione was more like that.

HERMIONE: (coming into the Great Hall) More like what?

HARRY: More of the thong-wearing type of girl.

HERMIONE: (whispering seductively) What if I told you I wasn’t wearing any underwear at all?

HARRY: Really?

HERMIONE: No.

HARRY: Great, thanks a lot for putting that wishful picture in my mind. Now I’m going to walk funny the rest of the day.

HERMIONE: (giggle)

HARRY: Yawn.

HERMIONE: At least you’re not quoting movie lines today.

HARRY: I see dead people.

RON: They’re called ghosts.

NEARLY-HEADLESS NICK: Dreadful, dreadful. We’re not really dead, but we’re not really alive either. So we’re not really dead, my friend.

RON: Your body is no longer breathing. You’re dead.

NEARLY-HEADLESS NICK: You don’t understand, my young Padawan learner. Be aware of the living Force.

RON: Yes, Master.

RANDOM HOTTIE WE’LL CALL EMMA WATSON: What’s the Force?

NEARLY-HEADLESS NICK: Damn, you’re hot.

EMMA WATSON: I try. (By the way, Emma Watson is really good-look------Sorry there. I was being electroshocked by my girlfriend)

NEARLY-HEADLESS NICK: Anyway, the Force surrounds us and binds us. Over there. In that tree. Rock. God, you have great breasts.

RON: You’re not good at quoting movie lines, are you?

NEARLY-HEADLESS NICK: Well, SORRY! I haven’t seen Empire Strikes Back in a few years.

HARRY: Princess Leia’s hotness in that one is underrated.

RON: Especially when she’s in Cloud City.

SARAH: Nothing compared to me, though, right? I’m American, after all.

RON: Um, so is she.

SARAH: NO, SHE’S ALDERAANIAN!

RON: Oh yeah. I guess you’re better than. After all, nothing can beat an American.

HARRY: So, Hermione, how are you doing?

HERMIONE: Your first semi-normal line of this pathetic story. I am impressed.

HARRY: I’m sorry, babe.

HERMIONE: (perking up) You mean you’re going to be your real self now?

HARRY: What is real? If it’s something you can feel and touch, then real is simply electrical signals interpreted by your brain.

HERMIONE: Somehow, I knew that there wasn’t going to be a breakthrough.

HARRY: Hey, I’m not the only out of character. You’re wearing a tank top, for God’s sake! You look great in it, by the way.

HERMIONE: A girl can look good once in a while, right?

HARRY: (eyes on Emma Watson) Mmmm…?

HERMIONE: Oh, forget it! I don’t even know why I put up with you in the first place! You’re such a loser!

(She storms off)

RON: Nice going there, ace.

HARRY: I can’t lose her, Ron! She is the One. There is only one person who can save our city.

RON: You’re pathetic.

HARRY: At least I don’t have orange hair.

RON: At least I don’t have a stupid ugly scar on my forehead.

HARRY: Oh yeah? Your mama’s so fat that on her driver’s license photo, it says, “Picture continued on the other side.”

RON: She is rather porky.

SEAMUS FINNIGAN: YES! MY FIRST APPEARANCE! Anyway, guys, it’s time to go to class.

HARRY: What class?

SEAMUS: Care of Magical Creatures.

HARRY: What fun.

(They go to Care of Magical Creatures class where Hermione ignores Harry, providing good angst. Hagrid introduces some lame animal that the author made up and they have fun with it. Yay. Moving on…)

HARRY: God, this is a boring story.

RON: Maybe it’s time to up the story’s rating to R. Get a few readers.

HARRY: But the author’s not good with sex scenes. Too bad.

RON: Sarah is rather adept at them.

HARRY: (Rolls eyes)

(They go back inside for lunch)

HARRY: Hey, Hermione, can you pass the bread?

(Hermione passes the bread silently)

HARRY: Come on, Hermione, don’t be like that.

HERMIONE: Why not?

HARRY: You know that you love me. You know us----we’re like Cain and Abel! You can’t separate us.

RON: (sarcastically) Great comparison.

HARRY: I DON’T BELIEVE WHAT I JUST SAW!

RON AND HERMIONE: What?

HARRY: Kirk Gibson just hit a homer to win the 1988 World Series.

RON: You’re one twisted guy you know.

HARRY: So, Hermione, will you forgive me? I promise to be nice to you.

HERMIONE: (throwing hands up in the air) Fine! Who am I to argue with the great King Potter?

HARRY: That’s right.

HERMIONE: Sigh.

RON: I think it’s time for one of my disappearing acts with Sarah.

HARRY: Fine. Go have fun.

(Ron goes to have some real fun)

HARRY: Great, now, I’m just stuck here with you, Granger.

HERMIONE: Hey, this is an H/Hr fic!

HARRY: I know. A little angst never hurts anybody.

HERMIONE: I guess you’re right. But didn’t we have enough angst this chapter with me not speaking to you?

HARRY: I guess so. Wanna kiss?

HERMIONE: You’re so un-romantic.

HARRY: Just kiss me.

HERMIONE: In your dreams.

(She walks away)

HARRY: (smiling) Don’t worry, Hermione…in my dreams, you do much, much more than kiss me…

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

AUTHOR’S NOTE: Hope you all liked this chapter…please review. I live for them!

6. American Idol Invades Hogwarts

Disclaimer: You fill this in. You know that I don’t own anything :) Remember this is solely for the purpose of being fun! A lot of the concepts I ridicule are concepts included in my own sixth year fic.

TITLE: Harry Potter and the Green Flame Torch (Even Though JKR Has Confirmed This Will NOT Be the Title of the Sixth Book, It Is Accepted As the Rightful Title)

Chapter Six---American Idol Invades Hogwarts

HARRY: God, life sucks.

RON: Huh?

HARRY: I mean I’m rich, powerful, loved, play Quidditch, have women…I mean, how can anyone enjoy a life like that?

RON: You’re one crazy guy, you know that?

HARRY: See? My own best friend thinks I’m crazy.

RON: Seriously, Harry, why do you think your life sucks?

HARRY: Because Hermione’s not my girlfriend.

(Collective “Aww….”)

RON: Awww….

HARRY: (eagerly) Did you actually believe me?

RON: (confused) Huh?

HARRY: I was trying to see if I could use that on Hermione.

RON: Harry…get a life.

HARRY: AND NOW…THE STARTING LINEUPS FOR YOUR…CHICAGO BULLS! (Okay, that wasn’t supposed to be funny…I’m just watching an old tape of the 1996 NBA Finals)

RON: Well…let’s go down for breakfast.

HARRY: AT GUARD, FROM NORTH CAROLINA, SIX-SIX…MICHAEL JORDAN!

RON: You skipped the entire Sonics starting lineup and the Bulls one too, other than Jordan. He goes last remember?

HARRY: Those other guys don’t matter…

(They go down for breakfast. Harry sees Hermione in…*gasp*…her Hogwarts robes! She’s not a slut!)

HARRY: Why are you in your Hogwarts robes, baby?

HERMIONE: The author of this story (not me; the imaginary author of a typical H/Hr fic) was berated in a scathing review by an observant reader that I would never be so OOC.

HARRY: Oh well…I loved you in those costumes…though, those Hogwarts skirts aren’t so bad.

HERMIONE: Sigh.

RON: Let’s have some fish and chips for breakfast!

HERMIONE: I think your American girlfriend is starting to rub off on you…

RON: In more ways than one.

HERMIONE: That’s disgusting, you pervert!

RON: Hey, don’t get mad at me! Steve Kloves is the one who gives me all the one-liners and doesn’t develop my character at all! Blame Steve Kloves!

HERMIONE: You’re right…He should be fired. He has no concept of the Harry Potter series. God, in the movies, I have NO FLAWS…I wish that were true, but it’s not!

HARRY: Um, guys?

RON AND HERMIONE: What?

HARRY: I don’t think it’s the proper time for the author to rant about something that has nothing to do with the story.

RON AND HERMIONE: Oh yeah.

HARRY: Thank you. And just so you know…Stacy’s mom has got it going on.

RANDOM GRYFFINDOR WE’LL CALL STACY JONES: Thank you! My mom would love to know that you’re totally crushing on her!

HARRY: Um, okay.

(Dumbledore stands up…)

DUMBLEDORE: For all of today, Hogwarts will be host to the producers and judges of American Idol. Tonight, there will be a competition. If you wish to enter, put your name on a slip of paper and enter it into the Goblet of Fire. Twelve names will be pulled out. Thank you.

HARRY: I’m so going for that!

RON: Me too!

RON’S ANNOYING AMERICAN PRINCESS GIRLFRIEND, SARAH: Like, totally! I mean, I’m like American…how can an American lose in a show called like…American Idol? Like, totally!

HERMIONE: (Scathingly, seeing the admiring looks Harry’s giving Sarah) I’m going to try out for it and I’ll beat you!

SARAH: Like, no way.

HERMIONE: Like, shut up.

SARAH: Like…like…(her brain becomes clogged up as she tries to think of a word other than ‘like.’ Hermione smiles triumphantly. Harry goes and puts all four of their names in the Goblet of Fire.)

HARRY: If you make it, what are you going to sing, Sarah?

SARAH: One-Night Stand by Enrique Iglesias.

RON: I know the feeling.

HARRY: Um, you know that song talks about a girl called Jenny getting up in your room after a one-night stand?

SARAH: Like, that’s so happened to me.

HERMIONE: Too much information! We need to keep this PG-13, guys!

HARRY: If I make it, I’m singing Can You Feel The Love Tonight.

HERMIONE: Awww….

(Hermione gives him a peck on the cheek. Harry grins triumphantly)

HARRY: And it’s all for you…

HERMIONE: Awww…

(FINALLY! SOME H/HR!)

RON: Oh shut up. I’m gonna sing I’m A Little Teapot.

HERMIONE: I’m sure Simon will love that. I’m going to sing Spin by Lifehouse.

HARRY: That’s a great song!

HERMIONE: You know that Natalie made a really good fan-movie about you and me with that music playing in the background! You just have to go to www.treebythelake.org to download it! (Yes, that was a plug for Natalie’s awesome fanflicks. If you consider yourself an H/Hr shipper you must see them. Otherwise you’re not. I especially recommend “Spin” and “Everything.”)

HARRY: I’m glad that Jack Ryan got that off his shoulders. He really loves those movies.

JACK RYAN: I’m sorry. THE PASS BY DENNIS RODMAN, WHO’S DOING EVERYTHING HERE IN THE THIRD…Sorry, still watching that Finals game!

HARRY: Right.

(The rest of the day passes by…yawn. Time for what everyone’s waiting for---The American Idol showdown! Lame American Idol music plays.)

DUMBLEDORE: Our esteemed judges are Simon Cowell, Randy Jackson, and Paula Abdul. The host is, as always, the very metrosexual and possibly homosexual Ryan Seacrest (sorry, couldn’t resist the cheap shot).

SIMON, RANDY, AND PAULA: Hi, everyone.

RYAN: He’s unstoppable! He’s been through four groupies…he is ALBUS DUMBLEDORE!

DUMBLEDORE: That’s your introduction for William Hung.

RYAN: Oh yeah, sorry…by the way, Dumbledore, you’re looking FINE tonight!

DUMBLEDORE: Um, thanks.

RANDY: Dude, let’s get this party started!

DUMBLEDORE: All right…Remember, everyone, the winner will be determined by the judges who will kick off everyone they don’t like. This will not be a fan vote so you don’t have to dial some lame number and have the phone line blocked…God, if those damn lines weren’t blocked up, I could’ve voted for Diana! She was so hot!

SNAPE: Um, she’s sixteen.

DUMBLEDORE: The younger the better.

SNAPE: Are you a Catholic priest? (If you’re Catholic, don’t get mad at me. I’m Catholic too…and I love Catholics! It’s still a good joke, though. J)

DUMBLEDORE: No, actually, I’m not. Ryan, if you’ll do the honors…

RYAN: The twelve contestants for tonight’s American Idol contest are: DRACO MALFOY! BRITNEY SPEARS! MICHAEL JACKSON! LUNA LOVEGOOD! SEAMUS FINNIGAN! BLAISE ZABINI! GINNY WEASLEY! CHO CHANG! SARAH MCCANTS! RON WEASLEY! HARRY POTTER! AND………..HERMIONE GRANGER!

(The contestants stand up and walk up to the newly created platform in the middle of the room where they will sing.)

RYAN: All right, first to go…DRACO MALFOY!

MALFOY: I’m so popular. God, I love preening myself in front of the mirror. I love myself.

SIMON: Aren’t you going to sing a song?

MALFOY: Oh yeah.

(Malfoy does an awful off-key version of “Stacy’s Mom”.)

STACY JONES: Geez, my mom’s popular, isn’t she?

RANDY: Dude, that was all right. After all, I’m Randy Jackson. I say that everything’s all right.

PAULA: That was great! I love the way you sing! I’m an eternal optimist!

(Boos as Simon’s turn comes up)

SIMON: (in his British accent) That was horrible. That was the worst singing performance I have ever heard. You suck.

MALFOY: (horrible off-key singy voice) I willllll suuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrvvvvvvvvviiiiiiiiivvvvvvvvvvvvvveeeeeeeeee!

SIMON: God, I hope not.

RYAN: Now…BRITNEY SPEARS.

(The song Britney has chosen ‘Oops…I did it again’ has come on without the words. Britney’s lips move but no words come out)

SIMON: (impatiently) Aren’t you going to sing?

BRITNEY: Why haven’t the words come on? Everyone knows I can’t sing! I just lip-synch! What happened?

RANDY: We turn off the words so you have to sing it yourself.

BRITNEY: I don’t know the words!

(She gets booed off the stage)

RYAN: Ladies and gentlemen…the King of Pop, though he’s still in school for some reason…oh yeah, THAT REASON! Anyway…MICHAEL JACKSON!

MICHAEL JACKSON: God, I’m a freak. What happened to me?

(“Billie Jean” comes on and Jackson does a decent job with it.)

RANDY: Good job, Michael. I’ll always have an eye out for my black brothers.

MICHAEL JACKSON: I’m not black anymore.

RANDY: You’re black at heart.

MICHAEL: Okay.

PAULA: Great job, Michael! I love the way you move!

SIMON: It was okay, Michael. Not as good as your work in the eighties…

MICHAEL: These legs ain’t got no more hop anymore.

DUMBLEDORE: (pretending to say in an undertone but loud enough for everyone to hear) I know some little boys who would disagree with that.

RYAN: (trying to hurry up to the next singer before Jackson goes berserk on Dumbledore)

(Luna and Seamus go…nobody cares. They do okay jobs, but worse than Jackson. Now, it’s time for BLAISE ZABINI!)

RYAN: Put your hands together for…BLAISE ZABINI!

BLAISE: Thank you, thank you very much. I am a constant fixture in H/Hr fics for some reason that no one really knows. I am very versatile-----I can be a friendly, helpful girl who is a friend of Hermione (The Art of Seduction)…I can be a former girlfriend of Harry (All That She Wants)…I can be a girlfriend to Draco (Friendship Lost, Love Gained)…and I can also be a nasty Slytherin boy (Alternate Adventure: Goblet of Fire----Author’s Note: This is the greatest H/Hr fic of all time!). Man, am I multitalented or what?

RYAN: Um, are you going to be a girl or boy tonight?

BLAISE: Boy to give my props to the great slytherin-nette, author of Alternate Adventure: Goblet of Fire.

PAULA: Well, what are you singing?

(Blaise sings Lose Yourself. He does a decent job, but nobody understands him, since nobody can understand the lyrics of rap anyway.)

RANDY: Very down wid it, my homey.

PAULA: Great job, Blaise! Boy or girl, you’re amazing!

SIMON: You’re a good rapper…but I hate rap. It has horrible lyrics. Sorry, Blaise…you can’t win.

BLAISE: Oh well.

(Ginny sings some song. Nobody cares. The author is getting tired of writing. Cho goes up and does some Hilary Duff song. Everyone boos because they hate Hilary Duff…)

RYAN: And now…the girl you’ve been waiting for…THE AMAZING AMERICAN WHO CAN DO NO WRONG JUST LIKE ALL AMERICANS-----SARAH MCCANTS!

(Sarah begins gyrating on the stage immediately and drool cups are immediately provided for Simon and Randy. She then sings One Night Stand doing a good job with it. Everyone cheers)

RANDY: Wow…just looking at you makes me feel a little randy!

(Audience: Forced laughter.)

PAULA: Wow, you were great, Sarah! Keep up the good work and you could be the next Christina Aguilera!

SIMON: I admit it…I was impressed. You did a great job, Sarah. Fantastic dancing and singing. .

HERMIONE (who’s watching with Harry, waiting their turn): Oh God, how am I going to compete with that?

HARRY: You will do well, Hermione.

HERMIONE: (sighing at his romantic side) Thanks, Harry.

HARRY: I have foreseen it. The Force is with you tonight.

HERMIONE: On second thought…that’s not as romantic as I thought it was.

RYAN: From SPAIN….we have the exotic…RONALDO WEASLEY!

HARRY AND HERMIONE: Huh?

(Ron comes out dressed in a matador costume to catcalls and whoops.)

RON: I’m a little teapot…short and stout…

(The audience doesn’t know whether to laugh or cheer. Ron finishes and takes a great bow.)

RANDY: I don’t know what to say at all, dude.

PAULA: Neither do I.

SIMON: I am speechless…not because of your skill, but because of your idiocy. Go home, kid.

(Ron walks away, his head hanging)

RYAN: And now…the one, the only…HARRY J. POTTER!

HARRY: Sup everyone! Well, I’m going to sing Can You Feel The Love Tonight…and this dedicated to the girl I love…Emma------wait, sorry----Hermione Granger!

(Harry sings the song decently, but not as good as Sarah McCants)

RANDY: You did good, man. Very proud of you.

PAULA: God, I want to get into your pants.

SIMON: So does Ryan if I’m reading his expression right.

RYAN: Of course you are----wait, never mind! Well, it’s our final contest and it’s none other than Harry’s lover, Hermione Granger!

(Hermione walks out, looking pretty good. She began to sing…)

HERMIONE: I'd rather chase your shadow all my life

than be afraid of my own

I'd rather be with you

I'd rather not know

where I'll be than be alone and convinced that I know

and the world keeps spinning round

my world's upside down and I wouldn't change a thing…

I've got nothing else to lose

I lost it all when I found you and I wouldn't change thing…

no you and I wouldn't change a thing…

Spin I know has let me down

so I will just let go

let you turn me inside out

cause I know I'm not sure

about anything but you wouldn't have it any other way

and the world keeps spinning round

my world's upside down and I wouldn't change a thing…

I've got nothing else to lose

I lost it all when I found you and I wouldn't change thing…

no you and I wouldn't change a thing…

spinning, turning, watching, burning

all my life has found its meaning

walking, crawling, climbing, falling

all my life has found its meaning

you and I wouldn't change a thing…

no you and I wouldn't change a thing…

and the world keeps spinning round

my world's upside down and I wouldn't change a thing…

I've got nothing else to lose

I lost it all when I found you and I wouldn't change thing…

no you and I wouldn't change a thing…

no you and I wouldn't change a thing…

(The audience is on their feet standing and cheering)

RANDY: That was phenomenal. Great job…

PAULA: Loved it, Hermione!

SIMON: Great voice, but you need to work on your clothing. It is far too conservative.

(Hermione hangs her head.)

RYAN: All right…now it’s the moment of truth… don’t go away!

(Nobody can go away as the doors are locked. Three minutes later…)

RYAN: All right…Randy, who did you vote for?

RANDY: I voted for Sarah McCants. She had the most style and a good voice, too. Sorry, Hermione.

RYAN: Paula?

PAULA: I had to go with Hermione Granger. She was phenomenal. She picked a great song too.

RYAN: It looks like it will be decided between Sarah McCants and Hermione Granger, easily the two best singers here! Simon? The deciding vote is yours.

SIMON: Sarah easily had the most style and beauty. (Hermione’s face sinks. Sarah was going to best her…) But…the best voice was Hermione Granger’s! I had to vote for her…congratulations, Hermione!

(Loud applause)

RYAN: Hermione Granger, you are the American Idol! How does it feel?

HERMIONE: Actually, I’m not American…so I wouldn’t know.

*~*~*~*~*~*

Author’s Note: Yes, this chapter didn’t have anything really to do with H/Hr fics (and was semi-normal, actually), and I’m sorry if it wasn’t as funny. *Hangs head…I’ll go back to parodying H/Hr fics next chapter. Sorry.

7. You

Disclaimer: You fill this in. You know that I don't own anything :) Remember this is solely for the purpose of being fun! A lot of the concepts I ridicule are concepts included in my own sixth year fic.

TITLE: Harry Potter and the Green Flame Torch (Even Though JKR Has Confirmed This Will NOT Be the Title of the Sixth Book, It Is Accepted As the Rightful Title)

Chapter Seven---You're Either In Or You're Out

HARRY: I can't believe Hermione won the American Idol contest yesterday. That was amazing.

RON: Mmmm…

HARRY: I wonder if Hermione's reverted back to her “beautiful” form yet, you know, when she's dressed like a quote, unquote “normal teenager.”

RON: Why did you say “quote, unquote” when you just had the quotes afterward?

HARRY: Why did you use quotes when you said “quote, unquote.”

RON: You just did it too! I used it because I was saying what you said. And then you said because you were saying what I said what you said.

HARRY: Okay. Let's go to breakfast.

RON: Right-o. But I think it's time for me to disappear. After all, this IS a H/Hr fic. You can't have too much of me.

HARRY: You're absolutely right. Get out of here.

RON: See ya later, Harry. Have fun!

(Ron goes off somewhere, presumably to do something. You know…Before the breakfast scene, the author decides to put something about Voldemort into the story; it'll interest the people who have fallen asleep already)

VOLDEMORT: Remember what I said about the mountain of pizza?

WORMTAIL: Yes.

VOLDEMORT: Forget that plan. It is now time to move to Plan B.

WORMTAIL: Plan B? What's that?

VOLDEMORT: Idiot! You're supposed to already know! That way the readers will think I've got something planned!

WORMTAIL: Mea culpa.

VOLDEMORT: Sigh.

WORMTAIL: I'll get on it.

VOLDEMORT: You better. Or you're out.

WORMTAIL: Yes, Master.

(Return to Harry/Hermione scene in the Great Hall where Hermione has gone back to her “beautiful” form, just as Harry had hoped. She is wearing tight hot pink jeans, a tight black shirt and her hair is straight and in a ponytail.)

HARRY: Wow. Winning that American Idol must have gone to your head…and other body parts.

HERMIONE: Oh, shut up. I'm only doing this so you notice me over Cho and the other pretty girls.

HARRY: ???

HERMIONE: Oh come on, you know the author is an insecure little girl who wants to believe that simply wearing popular clothing will make the boy of their dreams like them. If I do it in the story, and you like me, it'll make them feel better about their own chances in real life, or as they say on the Internet, RL.

HARRY: I never got the deal with those Internet phrases. I mean…lol? What's that short for? Lollipop?

HERMIONE: I love lollipops.

HARRY: I've got one right here for you, baby…

HERMIONE: Ugh! I mean…oh yeah, Harry. I forgot. I am now an independent feminine woman. I shall now proceed to have sex with every guy I know.

HARRY: ???

HERMIONE: Oh come on…you know the stereotype that all independent woman have sex with every guy they know. Once again, the ugly, unpopular girl who spends all her time writing stories for Portkey in the hope of getting someone review it so they feel special, who happens to be the author of this story, wants to believe that if she's an “independent” woman, all guys will want to have sex with her.

HARRY: You know…I hate all your complaining.

HERMIONE: Ooh…angst!

HARRY: Yawn.

HERMIONE: You know, you make things so difficult sometimes.

HARRY: (tips hat) Thank you.

HERMIONE: Sigh.

RANDOM BABE WHO CALLS HERSELF MARIA SHARAPOVA: Hiya, Harry! I'm here to provide needless angst for Hermione, so she can feel sorry for herself and think that you like me!

HARRY: I thought that's what Sarah was here for.

RANDOM BABE WHO CALLS HERSELF MARIA SHARAPOVA: Nope, actually, she was here to be Ron's perfect AMERICAN girlfriend. That way, he won't complain about you going with Hermione.

HARRY: Ahhh…

RANDOM BABE WHO CALLS HERSELF MARIA SHARAPOVA: Although, I'd rather be going out with that Gryffindor called Andy Roddick. He and I play tennis together. But, unfortunately, I'm going to have to provide angst for you.

HARRY: How about I pay you ten bucks for you to go do what you want to do with Andy and leave me alone…sparing readers the pain of reading some painfully forced angst?

RANDOM BABE WHO CALLS HERSELF MARIA SHARAPOVA: All right! …ANDY! Where are you Andy?

(Short interruption that's not supposed to be too funny, although you might think it is: Jack would like to say congrats to Maria Sharapova, a great tennis player, who won Wimbledon a few days ago! She deserved it more than any other player. Which is why she has made an appearance here. And yes, I am hoping that she and Andy Roddick get together. And yes, I hope for two celebrities I don't even know to hook up not because I want a laugh, but because I think they'd be a good couple. And yes, I'm pathetic.)

HARRY: Anyway, Hermione…I really like those pink pants. Where'd you get them?

HERMIONE: Hooters.

HARRY: ???

HERMIONE: A waitress there gave it to me.

HARRY: Why were you at Hooters?

HERMIONE: I waitressed there in the beginning of the summer.

HARRY: Damn! How did I not go to Hooters?!

HERMIONE: (leaning over so that her breasts are pressing in his face) Yeah, you really missed out.

HARRY: (can't breathe)

HERMIONE: (leans back, satisfied that her OOC-ness has gone out of control) Come on, let's go to our first class.

HARRY: Okay…

***

(Harry has fallen asleep at the end of the day, dreaming about Hermione in a Hooters outfit…suddenly, he realizes that he's in a bar with Voldemort sitting across from him.)

HARRY: Who are you?

VOLDEMORT: I'm a friend of James Potter's. You're either in or you're out. Right now.

HARRY: What is it?

VOLDEMORT: Plane ticket to Las Vegas. It's a job offer.

HARRY: You're pretty trusting.

VOLDEMORT: James always speaks so highly of you.

HARRY: Fathers are like that.

(Voldemort looks at him surprised)

HARRY: He doesn't want me trading in on his name.

VOLDEMORT: You do this job properly, kid, he'll be trading on yours.

HARRY: Las Vegas, huh?

VOLDEMORT: America's playground.

(The bar disappeared and Harry was back in Hooters, with Hermione serving him hot wings)

HERMIONE: You're either in or you're out, right now.

HARRY: Why does everyone keep telling me this?! What is it anyway?

HERMIONE: Plane ticket to my bedroom. It's a job offer.

HARRY: You're pretty sexy.

HERMIONE: Cho always speaks so highly of you.

HARRY: Ex-girlfriends are like that.

HERMIONE: Actually, they're not. Anyway, are you in or are you out?

HARRY: I'm in.

(Two hours later, Harry wakes up, his pants drenched.)

HARRY: Goddamn job offers.

*~*~*~*~*~*

Author's Note: Hope you all liked it! The conversation between Harry and Voldemort is pretty much the exact same as Danny and Linus' in Ocean's Eleven. I just changed names. Please review!

Document created with wvWare/wvWare version 1.0.0

-->

8. True Beauty Lies In The Imperfections

Disclaimer: You fill this in. You know that I don't own anything :) Remember this is solely for the purpose of being fun! A lot of the concepts I ridicule are concepts included in my own sixth year fic.

TITLE: Harry Potter and the Green Flame Torch (Even Though JKR Has Confirmed This Will NOT Be the Title of the Sixth Book, It Is Accepted As the Rightful Title)

Chapter Eight---True Beauty Lies In The Imperfections

HARRY: Have you noticed that the last few chapters have started with me waking up?

RON: Yeah. Lame storytelling, if you ask me.

HARRY: Yeah, I guess.

RON: Wow, this is boring.

HARRY: Let's make it more exciting, then! So what did you do all day with Sarah? You didn't come to any of our classes!

RON: (winks devilishly) Let's just say that my entire body is sore.

HARRY: Why am I not the one getting the loving?

RON: 'Cause you picked Mione.

HARRY: Who's that?

RON: Hermione, remember? You decided to give her that nickname.

HARRY: Oh, yeah. Whatever.

RON: Come on, let's go down for breakfast.

HARRY: Okay.

(They go down to breakfast. *Insert yawn here.*)

HARRY: Hey, Hermione! You look really hot today in your off-the-shoulder black shirt that shows off your breasts, long black skirt that shows off your sexy legs and flip-flops!

HERMIONE: ???

HARRY: You know authors. They always want to describe a woman's beauty because if a) they're a guy, they want to describe their ideal clothes for a woman to be wearing, if any at all, or b) the clothes the girl author wishes she could pull off. So now you can.

HERMIONE: I'm flattered.

HARRY: Thank you.

HERMIONE: Um…yeah.

HARRY: So, what's for breakfast?

HERMIONE: Toad-in-the-hole.

HARRY: Very breakfast-like.

HERMIONE: Actually, I don't know if it is. After all, the author's just a dumb American with no idea about British food.

HARRY: (eating and talking) So how about that Democratic National Convention?

HERMIONE: Yes, I thought it was very interesting! You think that's interesting too? That's awesome. I thought Barack Obama's speech was amazing. He's going to be the President of the U.S. one day!

HARRY: I'm Republican.

HERMIONE: Oh.

HARRY: I love Dick Cheney and his Halliburton-ness.

HERMIONE: Uh-huh.

HARRY: By the way, anyone who wants to get a laugh, go to www.jibjab.com and watch a hilarious piece on the election!

HERMIONE: Can we get back to our H/Hr-ness story?

HARRY: Sorry. DUBYA IN '04!

HERMIONE: You're hopeless.

RON: Wow, I'm just biding my time quietly, saying nothing. I'm a really supportive best friend! You would never guess that I can be jealous and insecure!

HARRY: Right.

GINNY: Hey, everyone. I represent the liberated, independent woman.

HARRY, RON, AND OTHERS: Hi.

GINNY: Wanna have some fun, Harry?

HARRY: Not really.

GINNY: What about you Seamus?

SEAMUS: Me mam says that I've gotta talk in some ridiculous Irish brogue. So, nah, me friend.

GINNY: Uh-huh. What about you, Neville?

NEVILLE: Hell, yeah!

(Neville and Ginny disappear to a broom closet where Ginny shows Neville just how liberated she is.)

HARRY: Wow, the N/G shippers must be rejoicing!

HERMIONE: I'm an N/G shipper and I think it's cute…sigh, if only you and I could achieve that, Harry.

HARRY: MATT DAMON IS JASON BOURNE!

HERMIONE: Sigh.

HARRY: Sorry, what?

HERMIONE: Never mind.

(Harry and Hermione begin walking to their first class, because that's what potential couples do)

HARRY: You ever wonder what it would be like to make out with a snake?

HERMIONE: Harry.

HARRY: What?

HERMIONE: Stop it, please.

HARRY: Okay.

HERMIONE: Thank you!

(They go into their first class. History of Magic or something or the other. Nothing important happens because authors sucks at writing classes. They leave.)

HARRY: Where's Ron?

HERMIONE: Last I heard, he was in the Room of Requirement with twenty other girls?

HARRY: Why does Ron get everything?

HERMIONE: Because he's smart enough to know not to go after a smart, bushy-haired, ugly, small-breasted bookworm freak. (Sob…Hermione's insecureness is coming out.)

HARRY: (cups Hermione's face) Hermione…true beauty lies in the imperfections.

HERMIONE: (managing a smile, through her tears) You really mean that?

(Collective “Aw…” as the first part of this parody resembling a good fanfic happens. Awww….)

HARRY: No.

(Collective pause as everyone shoots Harry a million times and then drops the atomic bomb on his head)

HARRY: I mean, yes! Yes! Of course!

(Hermione kisses Harry)

HARRY: Oh, yeah!

HERMIONE: That kind of ruined the romantic moment.

HARRY: Let's go and make sweet, sweet love till dawn!

HERMIONE: Um, we have to go to Potions.

HARRY: Dammit. Why does Snape always manage to ruin everything?

*~*~*~*~*~*

Author's Note: Hope you all liked that chapter! Sorry for the long delay! (The sweet moment was cute, and it would've been nice if it had lasted…but this is a PARODY!) And by the way, yes, I am a guy. And for you, R/Hr fans out there, get a grip. This is an H/Hr website. Go to Sugar Quill, all right?

Document created with wvWare/wvWare version 1.0.0

-->

9. Harry and the Broomstick

Disclaimer: You fill this in. You know that I don't own anything :) Remember this is solely for the purpose of being fun! A lot of the concepts I ridicule are concepts included in my own sixth year fic.

TITLE: Harry Potter and the Green Flame Torch (Even Though JKR Has Confirmed This Will NOT Be the Title of the Sixth Book, It Is Accepted As the Rightful Title)…NO! The title is now…Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince! Dun dun dun! Now that I've read this story which is rather ridiculous, I will also parody HBP every now and then, along with the normal continuous parody of H/Hr fanfics! Enjoy!

Chapter Eight---Harry and the Broomstick

HARRY: Man, I'm waking up again! This is amazing! It's like this author has no skills!

(Wait for it…)

RON: Yeah, like that would ever be the case!

HARRY: So how's it going Ron? You still doin' Sarah?

RON: Yeah, man. God, she is hot! I love her. I mean you'd think only untalented fanfic authors would make random, sudden romances like the one I had with Sarah. Good thing the best-selling author in the world doesn't do that!

(Wait for it…)

HARRY: You love her?

RON: Metaphorically speaking.

HARRY: Uh-huh.

RON: Whatever. Let's go to breakfast.

HARRY: Okay let's go.

(They go down to breakfast where Hermione is sitting, looking as hot as ever, her nose buried in a book. You can see her pink bra straps.)

HARRY: Da-amn! Kill me now, God, because I just am about the happiest I'll ever be!

HERMIONE: Sure you are.

HARRY: That's true. I'd rather be doing you right now. But unfortunately, you're not that type of girl.

HERMIONE: (coyly) Am I?

HARRY: Come on, Hermione, please let's just go to the Room of Requirement.

HERMIONE: You're such a pervert. Later.

HARRY: Like today?

HERMIONE: Like no.

HARRY: Damn you.

HERMIONE: Whatever.

(Hermione walks away…Ginny comes in. Suddenly a monster leaps up in Harry's chest.)

HARRY: Rawrrrr!!!! Who is this foxy cat?

GINNY: It's me…you know, the independent woman!

HARRY: (sidling alongside her) You won't be so independent when you come with me, young lady!

GINNY: I thought you liked Hermione!

HARRY: Unfortunately, five books of buildup doesn't mean anything to some people...(he coughs)…so I can inexplicably fall in love with you when there is no basis for it! It makes perfect sense doesn't it?

GINNY: About as much sense as Ron falling for Hermione.

HARRY: Luckily, Ron's still doing crazy things with Sarah. I suppose it's only a matter of time, though…hopefully, I'll get my act together soon.

GINNY: Only someone who's being very hormonal would put you with me all of a sudden.

HORMONAL JKR: What?

HARRY: Yeah, well, maybe you're right…I do love Hermione after all! She's the wind beneath my wings! I love her like I love the moon!

GINNY: You love the moon?

HARRY: Sure it's romantic, right?

GINNY: Sure.

HARRY: Now, excuse me, I have to go work out so I can be the buff, muscular man of every girl author/reader's dreams.

GINNY: Don't forget to spike your hair and get rid of your glasses! Or did you already do that?

HARRY: I don't remember because I'm too lazy to go back and read whether I did! After all, it's been several months since I last was moving around in this story.

(Ginny nods and Harry walks away back to his dormitory. He sees his broomstick lying around)

HARRY: Damn…that thing is so long…and hard…and woody. It makes me feel all…tingly.

(Harry begins to imagine Hermione riding the broomstick)

HERMIONE: Oh Harry! Yes! YES! OH GOD! OH YES!!!! OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

HARRY: Man is the broomstick sexual symbolism the most overused cliché in all fanfics? Or would the wand go ahead of it?

HERMIONE: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

(Harry yawns and stops fantasizing)

HARRY: Man, this is a short chapter and it's still early morning. But I guess it's okay…after all, I don't want to rush into anything like some books have been!

HORMONAL JKR: What?!

***

Author's Note: Hope you enjoyed it…I'll definitely be posting with more regularity.

-->

10. Delusional!

DISCLAIMER: You know this is JKR's stuff, not mine.

Well, I suppose many of you may have read JKR's interview by now. I, like many of you, am very disappointed by it and her laughing at us. So I have responded by writing another chapter of this! Hehe…I will definitely be taking digs at the interview, do not fear! And H/Hr will not die as long as those who remain are still loyal. :)

TITLE: HARRY POTTER and the HALF-BLOOD PRINCE (Even though there will probably be no Half-Blood Prince stuff in this book at all anyway)

CHAPTER TEN: DELUSIONAL!

HARRY: Man, I'm so tired. It feels like it's night, but it's only lunch time. I must be getting delusional again. But is it really so delusional? Night/day---what's the difference? If you look at from a different perspective, maybe it's night. After all, it's night somewhere in the world.

HERMIONE: Well, you know, Harry, looking at things from a different perspective is delusional…Everyone knows that!

HARRY: Oh yeah, right. I forgot.

HERMIONE: So what are we gonna do today, Harry? You want to spend some quality time together?

HARRY: (hopefully) Like flying lessons or something?

HERMIONE: God, not again.

HARRY: Come on, please…pretty please!

HERMIONE: No way. I was thinking that actually maybe I should spend a lot more time with Ron. That would probably be a huge clue that I really like you.

HARRY: Huh?

HERMIONE: Well, doesn't it make perfect sense? Only someone really delusional would think that me enjoying spending time with you means that I might have feelings for you!

HARRY: I don't get it.

HERMIONE: That's okay, Harry. Just be glad you're not getting hit with an anvil! C'mon, let's go to lunch.

(Harry shakes his head, confused, but follows Hermione down to the Great Hall)

RON: Hey mate.

HARRY: Hey Ron. How's the relationship with Sarah going?

RON: Yeah, I just found out that my immature relationship with her actually improves my maturity and might make me worthy of Hermione?

HARRY: No way, she's mine!

RON: What about Ginny?

HARRY: Monster or no monster, that's nothing compared to the BEAST that I feel when I look at Hermione. (This will remain a H/Hr fic, parody or not, ship attack or not…*sob*)

RON: Okay, whatever. I think I'm gonna go make myself a little more “mature” by fooling around some more with Sarah.

HARRY: Room of Requirement?

RON: Hey, I'm mature now!

HARRY: Righto.

(Ron leaves)

HERMIONE: Harry, why aren't you eating?! Can't you ever do anything right?

HARRY: What the…?

HERMIONE: I'm morphing into HBP!Insane! Hermione.

HARRY: No…stay the way you were before. I like you better that way.

HERMIONE: You do?

HARRY: Who wouldn't?

HERMIONE: Well, JKR didn't think Ron would…

HARRY: Forget Ron.

HERMIONE: Should I?

(Move closer)

HARRY: Yes.

(Their lips touch and they kiss sweetly and gently, despite the fact that Harry's hands are getting sticky from a spilled glass of pumpkin juice gradually spreading over his fingers. He runs a sticky hand through her hair)

(Yes, I know this is a parody but H/Hr snogging is never a bad thing! Especially in these dark times…I promise you I will return to the parody.

HERMIONE: Wow…

HARRY: That was amazing…it seemed almost like a illusion.

HUFFLEPUFF NAMED EMERSON: Delusional! You're just delusional!

HERMIONE: (breathily) No, we're not.

EMERSON: Yes you are! Hahahahahahaha!

JKR: Hahahahahaha!

HARRY: Shut up, I want to kiss Hermione.

(He kisses Hermione again and Emerson and JKR fall silent.)

HERMIONE: (sigh) You are so wonderful, Harry…

HARRY: Does that mean you'll take flying lessons with me?

HERMIONE: NO!

HARRY: (pleading) C'mon, `Mione, why not? Please…it'll be fun. I promise. And there won't be any symbolism either as long as we don't ride on a hippogriff.

HERMIONE: Don't you know, symbolism and reading between the lines don't matter anymore! You're just supposed to go for the obvious stuff. Duh.

HARRY: Whatever…I just wanna kiss you.

HERMIONE: You're sweet.

HARRY: I know.

HERMIONE: Not that romantic…but I'll take it.

(Harry kisses Hermione again…)

HARRY: Now we just have to wait for our inevitable breakup over a dumb reason as happens in all H/Hr fics. And then after that we'll get back together. That'll be a good day!

EMERSON: Delusional!

HARRY AND HERMIONE AND ALL H/HR SHIPPING FANS: We don't care!

*~*~*~*

Author's Note: Yes, most of us that was just repeated digs at JKR but I had to do that. Just for my sake. Hope you liked it anyway.

-->

11. The Inevitable Fight

DISCLAIMER: You know this is JKR's stuff, not mine.

Author's Note: Thanks for all your support guys and I hope you stick with this ship till the end. Keep reviewing! And there will be a couple swear words in this chapter but this is PG-13 so don't complain, okay?!

TITLE: HARRY POTTER and the HALF-BLOOD PRINCE (Even though there will probably be no Half-Blood Prince stuff in this book at all anyway)

CHAPTER ELEVEN: The Inevitable Fight

HARRY: Wow, yesterday was so wonderful…kissing Hermione was just amazing.

RON: You sound like a guy in a chick flick.

HARRY: Well…she completes me.

RON: What?

HARRY: Well, as long as we're going to write hormonal, poorly written romance junk, I might as well say stuff that no guy would EVER say in their right mind unless he's trying to get laid. (Yes, ladies, I'm sorry to say that no guy will ever tell you “You complete me” unless he's trying to get you into bed. He may think it---hell, a lot of us will, but we will never say it without an ulterior motive. It's an unfortunate blemish on the male gender, but I hope you don't take it too seriously. )

RON: Hey, it works, doesn't it?

HARRY: Does it ever!

RON: Anyway, c'mon let's go eat some breakfast. How come we never eat dinner? We're always eating breakfast in this fic.

HARRY: That's cause the author's too lazy to start the chapter with anything besides morning. It's easy.

RON: Dang, he's lazy.

HARRY: Well, pretty much all the angles for H/Hr stories have been taken and he's just doing this to gratify his inner need to be loved by logging and reading those oh-so-gratifying reviews so he doesn't really need to try very hard to write. After all, if you just make Harry and Hermione snog that's good enough for most people!

(Author's Note: Damn straight!)

RON: Why are you talking about yourself in the third person?

HARRY: Well Harry's just being Harry. You know Harry is going to save the world so Harry can talk in the third person all he wants. Right now Harry wants Hermione.

RON: You're insane…no wonder half the wizarding world thinks you're off your rocker.

HARRY: Not anymore, thanks to the Department of Mysteries which will scarcely be mentioned in HBP!

RON: You know what's interesting? In most sixth years that you and I have been through, in all those fics, Sirius only comes up as a way for you to get in cozy with Hermione. You never really grieve over him.

HARRY: Harry knows, it's sad. You'd think authors would be more creative than simply devoting a couple lines saying “Yes, he got over Sirius, now let's move onto Harry snogging some girl.”

RON: Well, yeah, an author who would do that and get it published would be delusional to think that people would believe that stuff!

(I don't hate JKR, just as a side note. I just wish she had given more continuity from Book 5 to Book 6.)

HARRY: Well, whatever, Harry wants to go downstairs and snog his beautiful girlfriend.

(They go downstairs and Harry sees Hermione chatting happily with Dean and tossing her hair. Harry balls his fists. He knows it's time for the inevitable fight that will only serve to bring them closer together---and perhaps into a bed together.)

HARRY: (storms up to Hermione) What are you doing?

HERMIONE: Oh, hey Harry, just talking to Dean. He's really funny, you know!

HARRY: (turns to Dean) Stay away from Harry's girlfriend, asshole.

HERMIONE: HARRY! Don't talk like that!

DEAN: Why the hell are you talking in third person?

HARRY: Harry is very upset and is going to punch your lights out if you don't get a move on. And don't forget Harry is the King of this school and everyone worships him. So they will beat you up along with him.

(Dean realizes this fact and edges slowly out of the Great Hall).

HERMIONE: Harry! I was just talking to him…it wasn't a big deal!

HARRY: Sure, sure, that's what they all say.

HERMIONE: (puts her hands on her hips) What do you mean, `that's what they all say'? I am not every woman, Harry James Potter! I am a strong, smart, independent, beautiful young woman whom you are damn lucky to have as a friend, let alone as a snog partner! And I love you, dammit, so don't go giving me these false accusations! (Three cheers for the return of the pre-HBP Hermione!)

HARRY: Well…uh…Harry has to fight you, Hermione. It's how they get closer. And he has to be wrong `cause the guy's ALWAYS wrong in these situations, irregardless of if the author is a girl or a guy. So, sorry...

HERMIONE: …What?

HARRY: (reverting to his fighting form) Now stop fooling around with Dean, you little harlot!

(Gasps from everyone)

HERMIONE: How…how dare you! (She slaps Harry and runs off)

RON: Well, you really did it there mate.

HARRY: (smiles) Harry is not the least bit worried. This is a H/Hr fic and this fight is necessary for the extension of our relationship before the author is forced to come up with an actual plot dealing with Voldemort and his godforsaken mountain of pizza.

RON: What the hell are you talking about?

HARRY: Voldemort's secret plan. Harry is very intuitive.

RON: Oh. And will you stop fucking talking in third person?

HARRY: Harry doesn't feel like it.

-->