007: Magical Theory

nerdypurdy

Rating: PG
Genres: Romance, Humor
Relationships: Harry & Hermione
Book: Harry & Hermione, Books 1 - 5
Published: 07/04/2004
Last Updated: 07/04/2004
Status: completed

Join the gang for some humorous, lighthearted fun and a few obstacles as they struggle to film their version of a James Bond movie. An AU one-shot meant only for fun! (A writing collaboration between myself and Calvin Potterson!)

Chapters

1. CUT!

1. CUT!

Harry walked in reading over his latest lines. "Bugger...how come she always has me saying `Honestly'?"

Hermione came in after him, hearing his words. "Honestly, Harry...people use it all the time...it's a great lead-in to say things..."

Harry mimicked her. "Honestly, Hermione...I know! But TEN times in a paragraph!?"

Hermione blushed and stared at the floor. Sighing, she looked back up and said, "Harry, it'll be..."

"Hermione! Come on! Honestly! I'll-"

He checked himself. "Bugger!"

Hermione smiled triumphantly.

Ron, who had been quiet through out the entire ordeal, raised his eyebrows in amusement. "You two are crazy...you know that?"

Harry sighed, ignoring Ron, and looked down at the script, he paused. "Oh, bloody Gryffindor..."

"Well, Harry, you are playing James Bond..." Hermione automatically began to defend herself.

"With Cho?"

"Yes! Cho! I thought you liked her."

"Well, I did....before I found out that she bursts into tears every three seconds!" He went into an imitation. "Boo-hoo-hoo! I'm a whiny-butt! I need attention!"

Ron sighed. "Harry, get over here! We're shooting in five!"

At Ron's call, Harry growled to himself, grumbling as he passed by Hermione. "Thanks,

Herm,” he said sarcastically.

"Don't call me that! It's Her-my-oh-knee!" she corrected and then she smiled sickenly. "Have fun kissing her!" she called after him.

"What? That's not in my script!" Harry yelled as he abruptly stopped in his tracks.

"Oh, I'm sorry...did I forget to tell you? I just made a few changes here and there...."

Harry narrowed his eyes and glared at her, a slight rumble arising from his throat as she merely smiled angelically.

*~*~*~*~*~*

Harry sighed and adjusted the tie on his tuxedo. The scene was a typical Bond one, in a casino, where he met a lovely lady working with the Chinese government. It would have been bloody fine if Cho wasn't in it…and now he had to...He shuddered…kiss her. "You owe me, Granger."

Meanwhile...

Cho was standing 50 yards away, screaming at an assistant, "This is coffee! I specifically asked for a non-fat choc-caramel latte!!!!"

And then she burst into tears, throwing her coffee at the assistant, who screamed theatrically, and then looked at Ron to see if he had done a good acting job.

Ron sighed. "Cho, get on stage."

"Excuse me? Who do you think you are, bossing me around? I can't work like this!"

"Your boss."

"Oh, right."

Cho dried up immediately and went on stage.

The scene rolled shortly thereafter, Harry was at a baccarat game. The dealer in front of him was not an actor, but an enemy-turned-friend that had been given a small cameo in the film.

Draco Malfoy.

"Your hand, Mr. Bond."

Draco said his one line as Cho came up behind Harry and snaked her arm through his.

Harry grimaced. "You're getting paid for this," he thought to himself quietly.

"CUT!” Ron yelled, “Harry, why are you grimacing?"

Without thinking, he muttered, "Because there's a slug on my arm."

Draco suppressed a laugh. Ron and Hermione's jaws fell. And Cho abruptly let go of Harry, bursting into tears.

Ron couldn't help it. He broke out into laughter.

Cho then proceeded to slap Harry upside the head, knocking him off the stool. He whacked his head against the floor and was momentarily stunned.

Hermione ran out. "Harry? Are you okay?"

"I cannot work like this!" Cho continued, "I quit!"

She then proceeded to walk out off the set, pushing the aforementioned assistant to the floor in the process.

Hermione rushed to the figure of Harry sprawled on the floor. "Oh, Harry, I'm so sorry!"

Ron groaned. "Our lead has just walked out! We're ruined! Where are we gonna find another Bond girl? We're two months from release, people!"

Then, Ron had a brainstorm.

He noticed Hermione leaning over Harry, caressing his head. How Harry responded to her touch.

"That's it! Hermione, you're hired!"

"What?!" Hermione screamed, abruptly standing up and ignoring Harry for a split second. Realizing what she had done, she immediately kneeled down next to him again, saying, "No. No, definitely not."

"Come on, Hermione. You're the only girl who can touch Harry without him flinching."

"Thanks, Ron," Harry mumbled. Now everyone's going to think I'm gay.

"Oh, Harry!" Hermione exclaimed. "You're okay!"

She then kissed him on the cheek, a habit she'd picked up over the years when she greeted Harry or Ron. The problem was that Harry colored slightly, not necessarily from Hermione, but from the entire room witnessing this.

Ron was ecstatic. "Perfect!"

He looked over at his camera and whooped for joy. "Priceless! I forgot to shut off the camera! We'll dub Cho's line with something else and that's how Hermione comes into the movie! I'm a bloody genius!"

A look of horror came over Hermione face as her mouth proceeded to drop.

"No, Ron...please, no..."

Meanwhile, Harry was wondering if he had a concussion...at the moment, he sort of just wanted to fall asleep. Maybe it was being next to Hermione...but Harry hoped it was a concussion.

"Hermione...if you don't do this, your entire script might as well be thrown into the trash and this entire production scrapped."

Realization dawned upon Hermione and so she forced a smile, looked at Harry, and said, "Hiya, partner."

"Wha-?" Harry managed to say before he slipped into unconsciousness.

*~*~*~*~*~*

"This is Ted Neil, BBC. Actor Harry James Potter was treated on the set of the next James Bond film, "Magical Theory", for mild abrasions and a slight concussion after being smacked upside the head by actress Cho Chang, who negated a five million euro contract to play the co-lead in the film by quitting in an uproar.

"Screenwriter Hermione Granger has reportedly been selected to play Miss Chang's replacement…”

Hermione shut off her television and sighed. She looked over to the couch where Harry was lying down, careful not to fall asleep.

"You okay, Harry?"

"Yeah...me and my big mouth"

"Look on the bright side," Hermione grinned, "now you won't have to kiss her. You'll have to kiss me." She waggled her eyebrows suggestively and giggled.

Harry laughed. "That's true. I'd rather kiss Snape than Cho."

Hermione grimaced as that image came to mind. "Ewww."

Trying to change the subject, Hermione offered to change Harry's icepack, but he said he was fine, adding that it was "Nice of you to let me stay at your place."

Hermione shook her head. "Harry, we're at your place."

"We are?" Harry shook his head, "Merlin...I must have really taken a beating..." he rubbed his head gingerly.

"Wow....you defeated Voldemort and Cho beat you up....never thought I'd see that happen..."

Harry laughed. "She has a mean right hook, I'll grant her that..."

"Harry...I hate to break it to you....but she hit you with her left hand....and she's right-handed."

"Oh, do shut up," Harry groaned as he rolled over...and off of the couch, smacking his forehead against the chest.

Hermione sighed. "Another day, another scar, right Harry?"

"Oh, sod it," Harry said as he cautiously got back on his couch, "It's not like you don't have one too."

Hermione sighed as she reached behind her earlobe and fingered the scar where Voldemort's last curse had hit her, spot on. Absent-mindedly, she traced the lightning bolt.

Harry moved over in front of her, placing his hand on the one that was tracing her scar.

"Hey," he said softly, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bring up those memories."

"Not a problem," Hermione said, smiling weakly, "It was just...not the best of nights."

"Tell me about it," Harry said as he looked off in the distance.

Looking back at Hermione's eyes, he had the sudden urge to kiss her. So he moved his hand from the scar to her cheek, caressing it softly as he leaned forward and kissed her lightly.

Pulling back, he nervously awaited her reaction. It never really came. Hermione's eyes were closed, her eyebrows raised, and her lips slightly parted in shock.

"Well," Harry joked lightly, "We have to practice sometime..."

Hermione's lips broke out into a smile as she laughed. Her eyes opened and she looked at Harry. Becoming mock-serious, she asked, "You call that a kiss?"

Harry was slightly insulted and raised his eyebrows slightly, "Well...if you want to go more in-depth..." He let the statement hang out there.

She raised a brow and smirked. "That is how it's written..."

Or will be... she added silently to herself.

"I learn my lines well," Harry said with a smile as he leaned in to kiss her again.

As they pulled apart, some 30 seconds later, Hermione smiled and said, "So you do."

"So," Harry ran a hand through his hair nervously, "Now what, Miss Screenwriter?"

"Now....we come up with other possibilities for the script." She smirked and kissed him again.

Harry's brain, which wasn't exactly working to the best of its potential at the moment, decided it would best to ignore the protests against this action and simply live with the consequences. Not that it was a difficult decision to make, that is.

And that was when Ron Weasley Apparated into Harry's room.

At the sight of Harry and Hermione, obviously far too absorbed in themselves to notice anything, the red-haired director's mouth dropped and his eyebrows shot up.

After the initial shock had subsided, he put his tongue in his cheek and remarked, "So...you guys were that eager to rehearse?"

Harry wasn't sure if he pushed Hermione away first, or if she him, all he knew was that he hit the floor again, soundly thwacking his head on the way down.

Hermione gasped and immediately went to his side.

Harry, however, didn't notice her and he sat up...pretty quickly…

Unfortunately, it resulted in a rather disastrous collision between two heads.

"Ouch!" Hermione said, yanking her head back quickly.

All Ron could think was, "And me without my camera. Fred and George would kill for this picture."

"Oww...." Harry groaned. "That smarts."

"Speak for yourself," Hermione snapped, "My head feels like a building collided with it."

"Thanks, Hermione," Harry said as he struggled to get back up, regrettably tumbling and knocking Hermione completely over.

At the sight of this, Ron had an idea. "Oh! Yes! I can get one of those memory thingies that

Dumbledore had!! What was that called again, Harry?"

"Pensieve," Harry groaned and he disentangled himself from Hermione with a sigh.

"Yes! That! Oh...I'm a bloody genius."

"Well, 'genius'," Hermione remarked dryly, "would you mind telling us why exactly you decided to pop up at 10 pm?"

"Checking up on Harry for Merlin's sake," Ron retorted, "The studio wanted to be sure he hadn't slipped in a coma and lost them another ten million euros. They're bloody pissed about Cho, believe you me."

"Not as ticked as I was when I found out you two hired her..." Harry said, and then mocking Ron's choice of words, "Believe you me."

Ron rolled his eyes, "So," he cleared his throat, "I'd best be leaving you two alone tonight, eh?"

"No! Don't leave!" Harry and Hermione quickly chorused and then looked embarrassed at each other.

"Don't leave?" Ron repeated, confused.

"Oh....I get it...you two don't want to face the 'awkward, after-kiss moment'..."

Harry and Hermione exchanged glances. Ron was, unfortunately, correct.

Ron laughed. "Not gonna happen. I had to go through it with Luna...you two can go through it too!"

With that, he Apparated out.

Harry and Hermione looked at each other. And stared.

And stared.

Harry broke the silence first, letting out his trademark sound. "Err..."

Hermione smiled awkwardly. "So...."

"Yes. That was...good."

"Oh," Hermione replied, her face falling, "Good?"

"Err, better," Harry wasn't quite sure what to say.

And, apparently, neither was Hermione. She nervously looked around Harry's living room while her mind frantically searched for something, anything to say.

"Maybe I should, um, go" she suggested.

"No...please...don't go," Harry stated. "Someone's gotta make sure I don't fall asleep," he joked. "Let's just catch up...we haven't really talked since we started working on the project."

Hermione snorted. "You really are a romantic, aren't you, Harry?"

Harry blushed and looked at the floor. "All right, you want the truth?" he asked. "That was the best kiss I've ever had....and I think that it's because it was with you."

Hermione's eyes widened slightly as she stared at her best friend.

Harry continued, his voice barely audible. "I'm really glad that we kissed....and...I want to explore this more...maybe even see if we can have a relationship."

Hermione couldn't help it....a blush and a smile came over her face. Her eyes dropped to the floor briefly before she looked back into Harry's eyes and whispered, "Me too."

Harry's smile widened into a grin, he covered the distance between them and picked up Hermione in his arms, swinging in a circle.

Hermione's giggles filled the room until Harry stopped...allowing her to place both feet flat on the floor....and they kissed once more before moving to the couch, sitting comfortably, and talked all night.

*~*~*~*~*~*

"Cut!"

Ron Weasley sighed.

She had the perfect body. She had the perfect chemistry. She had the perfect voice.

There was one problem.

Hermione Granger could not act worth a Knut.

"I'm sorry, Ron! There's a reason I do things behind the scenes, you know!"

Ron sighed.

How much was he getting paid for this again?

He mentally calculated the wizard to Muggle currency conversions and then nodded his head with resolve.

It was worth this.

"Its okay, Hermione," he said soothingly, "Just relax. Be yourself."

Hermione groaned and turned to Harry with a pleading look in her eyes.

Harry shrugged and placed the prop firearm back in his tuxedo.

"Yeah, Hermione, I'm threatening to kill you. Act naturally."

"Great. Yeah...sure, I can act naturally. I mean...my best friend threatens to kill me everyday! This is nothing new!" Hermione said, with an extremely sarcastic tone of voice, especially since she knew that there was really no hint of threatening in the movie.

Harry grinned. "Did I ever tell you that you're cute when you're angry?"

Hermione rolled her eyes.

"No, really, you are. Your nose does this little scrunchy thing...it's adorable," he said simply.

"Okay," Ron said to stop a potential conflict, "Let's try this again....places....action."

Harry strode towards Hermione confidently and tapped her shoulder. In her cocktail dress, Hermione swiveled around and raised her eyebrows at Harry provocatively.

"And you are?" she asked.

"The name is Bond," Harry said, "James Bond. And I believe, Miss Weatherby" (Hermione had named her character after Percy's mispronounced last name), "that we have some business to take care of."

Hermione burst out in laughter. "I'm sorry..."

Harry sighed. "Hermione, come on..."

"Cut..." Ron said wearily. “Hermione, your line is "You don't remember me, James"? You understand, you bloody wrote it after all!"

Hermione was puzzled. "That's Harry's line, only it's Harmony instead of James."

"I knew that," Ron seethed, gritting his teeth, mentally calculating the currency conversion again. Then, at the risk of causing further detriment to himself, Ron called out, "Let's try this again, people! Places and....action!"

The scene began to replay itself again.

"The name is Bond," Harry said, "James Bond. And I believe, Miss Weatherby, that we have some business to take care of."

Harry grinned rakishly as Hermione managed to quirk a single eyebrow in a questioning posture.

"Oh, so you don't remember me, Harmony?"

“Hmm…can't say that I do…”

“The walk on the beach….beating the bad guys…” his voice dropped to a whisper, “the kiss.”

Harmony struggled to remember. “Remind me.”

James smiled and leaned in to kiss her. A few seconds later, Harmony pulled back and said, “Ohh…that James.”

James laughed and kissed her again.

“And…” Ron shouted, “Cut!! That's a wrap, people!”

*~*THE END*~*