One-shot. Hermione wrestles with her newfound feelings for Harry during key scenes in OotP.
From the Unofficial Portkey Archive: https://portkey-archive.org/story/2058/
Hermione's Thoughts
I know exactly when it happened, or perhaps when I realized it had been there all along. It was after a DA meeting. I was so proud of him; he makes an amazing teacher. Was that why? Maybe I liked the fact that there was something he could teach me? He seemed relaxed and happy in front of the group. I could fool myself and think that was it, but I know what it really was: Her. I saw the way he looked at her. A boy longing after a woman, I assumed. Then she began to notice him; stare at him. I heard her giggle. Imagine! I could tell she wanted to talk to him. Ron and I left; he stayed. I knew then; I could feel it pounding in my head, in my heart. We returned to the common room, and Ron babbled away. I, however, was trapped in my head going crazy.
I don't keep things in, I never have. I had to let it out to someone- a girl would be best. Ginny? No, too close to him. Parvati? Lavender? Er...no. Professor McGonagall? HA! Okay, no more girls. Ron? Oh God, no! First of all, I have a sneaking suspicion that he fancies me. Second, he would tell Harry immediately, even if he meant to keep it a secret. Third, there is nothing he can do about it, Harry was with Cho at that instant probably snogging her to death! Arghh! Hmm- Viktor? He might be annoyed; he used to have feelings for me. He knew though! Last year! I wouldn't believe him- he was being ridiculous! How did he already know when I had no clue? He obviously has some insight about me that I'm not privy to. Maybe he can help me.
As I write the letter I get angrier and angrier. Why do I have feelings for my best friend? How can I make it go away? Why would I expect him to have feelings for me when he can obviously have Cho Chang? Not that I think she has anything on me as far as Harry goes. I know him and care for him more than she ever could. I just think that Harry is a typical fifteen year-old boy. Cho is beautiful, she loves Quidditch, and I suppose she must be smart if she's in Ravenclaw. I don't begrudge him some happiness in his life, especially after this horrid year... Ooh- maybe she just wants to talk about Cedric. Maybe I'm getting all worked up over nothing. Harry was there- I'm sure she wants some closure. I guess I'll see; he just walked in.
Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god. This is worse than I thought. I had to sit there without belying my feelings while he gave me details about his snogging session with Cho!! I don't know how I did it. When I found out, all I did was focus on my letter to Viktor. Then he was so cute and pathetic and sweet that I had to take pity on him. I told him why Cho was crying, but there's no way in hell I'm going to tell him how to fix it. How do I reconcile the best friend inside me with this odd, jealous girl I've just found alongside her? I probably shouldn't send the letter to Viktor.
During the week after Valentine's Day
The other day was wonderful. I set the meeting up for the Hogsmeade weekend to be certain that it was legal to see Rita Skeeter. Perhaps I knew it was Valentine's Day. Perhaps I knew it was in the middle of Harry and Cho's date, but honestly, this was all for Harry! It pains me to see him so miserable. He actually got to tell his whole story to the public. I know he feels better (much better than he would've if he'd finished his date with "the human hose-pipe.") He has so much pressure on him this year with the Occlumency, the ban from Quidditch, and Umbridge. I will try anything I can to give him some sort of hope.
P.S. - He thought the notion of my being ugly was ridiculous!
June
What have I done? I let him down. I knew it was a trap- I knew. Why?! Why couldn't I stop him?
It started in our History of Magic O.W.L. He woke up screaming. My heart stopped, I'm sure of it. Ron has tried to explain to me what it feels like to hear Harry lose it at night, but I couldn't have imagined my own reaction. I, Hermione Granger, tried to leave one of the most important exams of my life before I was finished with it. The proctors made me sit back down. It didn't matter; I couldn't write any more. I kept hearing him and seeing him in my mind. I didn't even care about my score (I'm sure I passed anyway.) All I cared about was getting to him. When we found him after the exam he was hysterical. I tried to reason with him; warn him that it was a trap. We were screaming, or he was. Could he not see what losing him would do to me? I can't even imagine; I refuse to imagine. It was like his life didn't even matter to him unless Sirius was safe. I made him promise to check on Sirius at least, and he wasn't there. Sirius was not there. In retrospect we should have flooed there completely to check on him; we should have used the Room of Requirement to get an unregistered fireplace. My god- we should have at least thought of Snape! But I couldn't think! He was about to leave, by himself if he had to! This year has been building a tension in him visible to the naked eye. I knew he was at a breaking point, and I knew that's where Voldemort can take advantage of him most. I had to go. I couldn't let him out of my sight. Who would he depend on if I weren't there? Ron? Ha! I love the boy, but he's not on mine and Harry's level. That sounds awful, but how could I leave Harry in Ron's care? I'd rather give myself up to Umbridge immediately. So I went, and Sirius died. Sirius died. Harry, Harry, how can I help you? He's gone; the only parent you have ever loved, the only one you knew. I love you, and I can't help you.
He is heartbreaking. He hasn't talked about Sirius yet. I want to talk to him, to help him; but he's so closed off. How can I help him with his grief? How can I tell him how terribly sorry I am? I'm afraid he might close off forever. I won't let him. He won't pull away from me. I love him, and even if he doesn't have love to spare for me now, I will not let him close himself off forever.