My Worst Fear

This songfic is to “My Worst Fear”, by Rascal Flatts. It’s my first attempt at a songfic, so be gentle. :)

Draco stared up at the ceiling in the darkness, his thoughts in turmoil. He could feel her warm weight lying on his shoulder, and it made his heart ache. Somehow over the years she had become an integral part of his life—as much a part of him as his arm or leg. And yet he had to leave. He knew it, and yet at the same time he refused to accept it.

He had known for a while that he was going to have to leave her. Every time he had looked into her laughing brown eyes, or felt her body press against his he had denied it to himself. Promised himself just one more day with her. One more minute. And yet it never seemed to be enough to fill the hole that gaped inside his heart at the thought of leaving her. They had been together for almost three years now, and yet it seemed like no more than a breath. In those three years there had been no whispers from his father, no sounds of dissent from Death Eaters that he knew lurked in the shadows against their relationship. He had harbored the hope briefly that his father really didn’t care what happened to his disinherited son.

She had drawn him from the shadows, and made him turn to the light. It wasn’t that he liked the Order or its members—he didn’t consider them his light. She was his light, and he dreaded to step back into the shadowy recesses of the world without her shining inside him. And yet—he knew he had to. For her sake. Because he couldn’t stand the thought that her light would be extinguished.

After three years, Lucius had finally made his move. He had sent an owl post to his disinherited son, demanding his presence. Warily, Draco had conceded, and met his father at Malfoy Manor. Once there, Lucius had demanded that Draco join the Death Eaters. When Draco had refused, Lucius had threatened Ginny. Although the whole world knew of the odd romance between Malfoy and Weasley—it was no secret—no one had used her against him before. He had almost been expecting it, and had steeled himself to resist his father’s demands. But seeing that look in his eye—that look he had seen so many times before and cowered before it—he had known that his father wouldn’t hesitate to harm Ginny if it suited his purposes. And if Lucius wanted Ginny dead, there were so many ways that it could happen. So Draco had acquiesced, and now here he was, wondering if he could simply slip away from her in the night.

He curled his arm around her in silence, his jaw hardening. He wasn’t going to sneak away like a thief in the night. She deserved more than that. And so did he. He would talk to her in the morning. He wasn’t sure what he would tell her, but he would talk to her. He curled his body around her smaller one protectively and closed his eyes.

* * * * * * * *

Ginny bit her lip, feeling tears sting her eyes. She could feel Draco’s body curled around hers, and it made her heart break. He thought that she didn’t know. But she did. She had seen the owl, noted the expensive parchment that Draco’s letter had come on. And knew that their blissful life had come to a crashing halt because of Lucius Malfoy. She had been expecting it for years now. Nothing so perfect could have lasted forever, especially when Lucius was determined to keep his hold on his son. He had only drawn out their torture for his own perverse amusement—every day wondering and waiting for when Lucius would end it.

Ginny had even known what the conversation would be. The only thing that would cause Draco to leave her would be a threat to her safety. She knew that as well as she knew the lines in the palm of her hand. She had wanted to fight, wanted to shout and scream against what was happening to them. But she knew it would be useless. Once Draco had noticed her several years ago, he had been relentless in his pursuit of her. When she had fallen in love with him, he had become fiercely possessive and protective. He had once told her that he would never allow anything to harm her. Even himself. And he had fulfilled his vow with a vengeance.

She knew that Draco had always been uncomfortable with his work in the Order, but he did it because it pleased her. Draco’s loyalty didn’t lie with causes, it lay with people. And she was the only person who Draco had bound his loyalty to. Draco fought because he wanted to keep her safe, to keep her world safe. And knowing that, she also knew that Draco would succumb to Lucius’s demands, no matter how much she pleaded. Draco would leave her if it meant keeping her safe.

And she couldn’t stay here and listen to those words. Couldn’t stand to listen to the little lies that he would tell her to try and lessen her pain. Couldn’t see the answering pain in his own eyes. She would break, and she knew it.

Feeling a sob caught in her throat, she turned in Draco’s arms, savoring the feeling of being held by him. Feeling tears slip silently down her cheeks, she pressed a soft kiss to his knuckles, hoping she hadn’t woken him.

Last night you gave me a kiss
You didn't know it, but I was awake when you did
You were quiet, you were gonna let me sleep
So I just laid there pretending to be

“I love you very much,” she whispered, so softly that she almost didn’t hear herself. She could feel his steady, even breathing on her skin, and it made her shiver in remembrance of all the other times she had felt his breath on her skin. Passion that flashed like fire every time her touched her, and an almost unbearable tenderness. “You’re my heart, Draco. I want to have children with you, to marry you and have your ring on my finger. I guess that’s all I can really say. I love you.”

You said some things you didn't know I could hear
And the words “I love you” never sounded so sincere

She kissed him again, her lips like a butterfly’s kiss on his skin, then curled closer against him, as if to ward off her own demons. She didn’t want him to know what she was going to do. She took a deep breath and settled back, falling into a light doze.

* * * * * * * * *

It's gonna make it hard to tell you that I'm leaving
Now that I know just how much you care
You finally gave me one good reason not to go
But staying here is my worst fear

Draco lay silently beside her, hearing her breathing deepen and slow as she slipped into a restless sleep. He felt wetness on his own lashes, and tried to force it back. She had thought he was asleep, and had whispered her confessions to him in the sheltering dark. Draco felt like bands of steel were squeezing his heart relentlessly. How could he leave her now? They had never spoken of their future together—he had always assumed that she knew his intentions, and she had never brought it up. But gods. . .she wanted to marry him. And he wanted to marry her. Couldn’t he protect her once they were married? He thought wildly, hoping desperately to find a solution. When he couldn’t think of anything, he nearly cried for the first time in fifteen years. He blinked back the wetness in his eyes and waited for the dawn.

* * * * * * * * *

When Draco woke, he abruptly realized that he had obviously fallen asleep at some point during the night. Feeling his limbs bared to the cool morning air, he glanced around and saw that Ginny wasn’t in bed. Probably making breakfast, he thought, his heart squeezing at the thought. He would never come up behind her and kiss her throat again as she stood at the stove. Never hear her grumpy mumbles if he woke up her too early.

This morning I rolled out of bed
Recalling all the sweet things you said

He remembered the words she had spoken last night, and took a deep breath to steady himself.

This was the day I was gonna hurt you bad

He couldn’t stand to think of the pain that he would see in her face when he told her. He couldn’t even imagine what he was going to say to her. What words would suffice, to sever the bond that they had created?

He slid out of bed, pulling on a pair of pants. He padded into the living room, but the house was silent, the sounds of cooking conspicuously absent.

Called out your name, but you didn't answer back
I searched the house to find out what was wrong

“Gin?” he called, a frowning furrowing his brow. “Ginny?” He strode into the kitchen, feeling anxiousness tug at him. Where was she? His overactive imagination took hold, and he wondered desperately if something had happened to her. He started to rush into the rest of the apartment then stopped suddenly.

Like a ton of bricks, it hit me you were gone

Abruptly, he remembered her tone and not just her words from last night. She had sounded desperate, and as if she were mourning. A low moan was torn from his throat when he realized what had happened. She had left him. For one moment, he didn’t remember that he had planned to leave her this morning—to break her heart as she had just broken his. Instead all he could imagine was that she was gone from his life forever, taking her sparkling light and her joy with her. His vision dimmed, and his hands fisted. Were the shadows moving in on him already? He thought despairingly, sinking to his knees on the carpet in the middle of their living room.

* * * * * * *

Ginny stared up at the ceiling in Hermione and Ron’s apartment, feeling the salty tears slide in a steady stream into her hair. Hermione and Ron had pressed her to find out what was wrong, but she hadn’t answered them. She had asked to stay in their guest room for a while, and hadn’t emerged from it since. She didn’t think she could. It was all she could do to breathe from the great weight that seemed to be pressed on her chest.

All along I knew that there was something missing
And only one thing left to do

She had known that the day would come. She just hadn’t realized that it would hurt so much. It felt like her heart was being ripped from her chest. She wondered desperately if he was awake. Prayed with all her soul that he would come charging into the apartment and promise her that he wasn’t going to give in to his father. But as the hours slid relentlessly by, she realized that he was bound. Bound by his own promise. His promise to keep her safe, and by his own pride. He wouldn’t come after her. No matter how much he loved her, she had left him. With a low moan, she realized that she had only made it easier for him. Easier to leave her, to abandon her to his foolish vow.

I had to leave behind this life that we'd been living
But the only thing that left was you

She had done the right thing. She didn’t know if she could have lived if she had had to watch him as he removed her from his life. But really, he had already left her. As soon as he stepped through their door the minute after he had seen Lucius, he had already been thinking about leaving her. Knowing that he was leaving her. And just the thought broke her heart a little more.

She lay in silence, her body curled into itself as she weathered the pain, hoping that it would ease. But as the hours passed, the tears only flowed faster until Ron came into the room and gathered her into his arms and let her sob onto his shoulder, his arms a comforting weight around her.

* * * * * * * * *

He had thought that the hardest part would be telling her, of walking out the door and leaving her behind. But it was infinitely worse to know that she had known what he was going to do, and she had done it first.

It's gonna make it hard to tell you that I'm leaving
Now that I know just how much you care

Even knowing her sentiments on their relationship—knowing that she loved him just as much as he loved her—he couldn’t go to her. And it only twisted knives deeper into his heart.

You finally gave me one good reason not to go
But being alone is my worst fear
And staying here is my worst fear

He hadn’t moved in hours, still kneeling on the living room carpet. He had closed his eyes, not wanting to see the shadows that crowded around him. Shadows of his past—a past that Ginny had driven away with her light and her love. But now that she was gone they clamored for him, demanded that he return to their midst. He was a creature of the shadows. He hadn’t been able to stay in her light. She had been too beautiful for him, too pure. He had been able to bask in her luminescence for only a short time, to try to drive the dark away. He was terrified of being without her, of being without his light and his Ginny. But he had left for her own good.

Draco dropped his head to his knees, feeling his stomach twist and knot. He wrapped his arms around his knees in a defensive posture, and then wept in silence.