She's Saving Me

1. Chapter 1

She's Saving Me

Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended. They aren't mine, even though I love them! The song She's Saving Me is owned by the Indigo Girls.

Thanks for reading. I'd love to hear your opinion on it, if you get a chance!


We were sitting round a dying fire
Somebody lit incense
Somebody lit a cigarette
And passed a bottle around
It was just strawberry season
Backbreaking pickers in the patches

Everything's burning down to ashes
And down to the ground

I arrived at Grimmauld Place yesterday. The walls scream his name at me. I try not to listen, to get my mind off my guilt, but Sirius is everywhere I turn.

“Harry, do you want a butterbeer?” Tonks is the only one here that looks me in the eye when she speaks to me. I can't decide whether or not I like it.

“Yeah- thanks,” I take the bottle and begin tearing at the label. The fire crackles under some sort of Potion that Lupin is attempting to make. He won't tell me, but I think it's for dreamless sleep. He looks like he could use it.

Only Order members have been here since I arrived. The Weasleys are still at the

Burrow; they won't be coming this holiday. Mrs.Weasley seems to think that they need some `family time' since Percy came back into the fold. To tell the truth, I don't care. The void I felt after learning the prophecy has only gotten larger since term ended.

There is a murmur from the kitchen followed by loud footsteps up the stairs.

“Harry,” I recognize Kingsley's deep voice, “someone on the floo for you.”

I stump out of the room expecting another of Dumbledore's check up calls-

“Alright, Harry?”

“Yes, Professor.”

“We should talk about it, Harry”

“Not today, Sir.”

Unbelievably pointless, distracting, frustrating, I feel the white hot anger rise in

me again, preparing for our usual dance. This summer the anger doesn't bother me as much- it's nice to feel something.

It disappears when I see bushy brown hair that seems to crackle and combine with

the fire sticking out at me. “Harry! We're at The Leaky Cauldron! I'll be coming to stay with you tomorrow!” The smile on her face is genuine; I feel a familiar stinging in the corners of my eyes.

“Hey, Hermione, er- had a good holiday?” I try to sound normal.

She shrewdly looks me over, “ Oh, Harry, I'm coming now, give- give me

a couple of minutes to tell my parents.”

She's saving me
I don't even think she knows it
It's a strange way to show it as distant as
Last night's dream unravels

Five minutes later she's in my arms. I can hear her sniffling in my ear and feel her wet tears on my neck. “Hermione, please don't cry, I can't- I can't take it if you cry.”

She looks up from my shoulder as I feel a tear escape down my cheek; I turn away.

“Harry- don't do that with me, you don't have to be strong for me.”

She's saving me
I'm a very lost soul
I was born with a hole in my heart
The size of my land locked travels

I don't want to talk about it. If I let even a little of it out, I won't be able to stop it. “Let's go to your room, Harry,” she grabs my hand and pulls me out of the dark kitchen and up both sets of stairs.

I try to put it aside
But it's too much bigger than me
There's a big brown hawk in the tree
Lighting and leaving

We sit on the bed, and I play with a loose string from the duvet as she watches me. “Harry- it wasn't your fault.”

“It was.”

“No it was not- look at me,” she grabs my chin in her hand and tips it up. “Merlin, Harry, you've been beating yourself up your entire life along with everyone else. Can't you give yourself a break? No one blames you except you-“

“You were right. It was my choice not to listen to you. If I had made a different decision, Sirius would be here today. It's as simple as that.”

“NO- it is NOT as simple as that. Did you make up the vision in your head? Or did Voldemort put it there? Did you duel with Sirius and then push him through the veil? Or did Bellatrix Lestrange duel with him?”

“That doesn't change the fact that I should have listened to you, should have known you were right-”

“Harry, if we hadn't gone there that night, then Voldemort might have gotten the prophecy. If it really is a weapon, and if it has something to do with you, we couldn't afford for him to get it. We can't second-guess the past,” she pauses, “what if the weapon helped him get into Hogwarts to kill you? I wouldn't have been willing to risk you getting killed! Imagine if Sirius had stayed here, and you had died at Bellatrix's hand. Do you think that would have been better for Sirius? I don't think Sirius would've been able to live with himself,” she finishes quietly.

And there's tea leaves tossing
Heads up pennies in my pocket
Dead star like a rocket
the arc of my grieving

Her words sink in slowly, and I lay my head down in her lap. “I just don't know what to do, Hermione,” I start to sob quietly, “you would think that I could deal with this; I only knew him for two years.”

“Harry- he instantly became your father, your friend, and your connection to the parents you have never known. Anyone in your place would be heartbroken to lose him. We are all heartbroken to lose him, and none of us can know how alone you feel.” She pulls her fingers through my hair, catching them on the knots and carefully working through them. “ But you aren't alone, Harry. You have Ron, the Weasleys, the Order, and you have me. I won't leave you, Harry, you know me- I'm much too stubborn for that.”

I chuckle in spite of myself, “isn't that the truth.”

She's saving me
I don't even think she knows it
Its a strange way to show it
As distant as last night's dream unravels
She's saving me
I'm a very lost soul
I was born with a hole in my heart
The size of my land locked travels

I fight mercilessly with myself in my head - Do I tell her? Can I stand the thought of seeing her break down? Will she hate me when she inevitably finds out that I've known since that night? Will she run away from me?

“Hermione?” Her leg muffles my voice and her fingers running against my scalp threaten to distract me.

“Hmm?”

“I know what the prophecy said.”

She jolts and lifts my head from her lap, “How- I thought you didn't- did one of the Order members hear when-“

“Just wait, I'll tell you. Er…this is really horrible.” I lay my head back down. “I don't think I can look at you when I say this-”

The sky pours out biblical rain
Then days so still the beauty gives you pain
The heat wave kills the green
And she remains unseen
The colors of my dreams
With all things blooming

The last word- I feel her sobbing before I hear her; her leg shakes underneath my head. “Hermione-” I sit up and look into her eyes and I know. I have never seen the look that resides there- pain mixed with fear; horror mixed with determination, resignation; but surrounding and weaving through them all, Love. “Do you-“

She grabs my shoulders roughly and pulls me to her, devouring me. I can't think; I can't breathe; I don't care.

This is not all there is
It's not a kingdom
It's not an angry god
It feels like her
It feels like no fear
It feels like no doubt
It feels like inside out
The ashes stir

“Harry,” she pulls away from me, breathlessly. She is on her back and I have somehow ended up on top of her; I think I must be crushing her.

“Hmm?” I kiss my way along the edge of her jaw.

“I love y-” I put my finger to her lips.

“I want to say it first,” I move and she nods. “If I had lost you in the Department of Mysteries, I don't… I don't think I could have lived with myself. I don't know how long this has been there; it's like you're a part of me. All I know is that I love you.”

She's saving me
I don't even think she knows it
Such a strange way to show it as distant as
Last night's dream unravels
She's saving me
I'm a very lost soul
I was born with a hole in my heart
The size of my land locked travels

She's Saving Me
Words and music by Emily Saliers (Indigo Girls)