A Nocturne for Lovers

Il Duce

Rating: PG13
Genres: Angst, Drama
Relationships: Lily & James
Book: Lily & James, Books 1 - 5
Published: 27/06/2004
Last Updated: 12/02/2005
Status: in_progress

Were they really meant for each other from the very start or are James Potter and Lily Evans just complicating their lives to pursue a nigh impossible relationship? At the point where Lily confesses her feeling, it turns out that James does not want to love her back for reasons he keeps to himself! In an effort to put them together again, Sirius and Remus make a big mistake and Lily's life is now at stake. Misery, misunderstandings, heartbreak and love, anyone?

Chapters

1. Chapter 1

2. Chapter 2

3. Chapter 3

4. Chapter 4

5. Chapter 5

6. Chapter 6

1. Chapter 1

Author’s Note: Whee! It has been, hmmm, what? A couple of months since I’ve last posted on Portkey with my fourth chapter.

I did swear that there would be no fourth chapter until the thrity-sixth review, and I stuck to my word! Yehey! I usually don’t but anyway.

I decided to revise some parts of the fanfiction to straighten out some kinks so as to be consistent with the canon.

Anyway, I’d still be waiting for the 36th review! Until then, no fifth chapter! Hur-hur-hur…

Ahem. Back to business again. The song is Jann Arden’s version of "You don’t know me". And a big , big thank you for those who had previously reviewed.

Chapter 1

Beautiful.

It was the only word that Lily could think of for that day. It seemed that her heart had snagged at her throat and kept constricting it. She wanted to keep this day forever alive in her mind. She wanted the world to stop in its axis and let her sit and savor everything.

But this she couldn’t do. People were waiting for her, watching her every step as she walked down the red-carpeted aisle that was strewn with exquisite white roses. She could hear the soprano’s wonderful voice singing the ‘Ave Maria.’ Without glancing a clock, she could tell all was on time.

Somewhere near the altar stood James, wearing "proper" clothes for once —a somewhat old-fashioned tuxedo (it must be quite terrible for him to put up with these constricting muggle clothes) but without a bow tie. His warm coffee eyes caught her thoughtful gaze and cast openly an appreciative look on her. A flush of color rushed to her cheeks, hoping dearly that he did not think of her being so awfully dreamy.

With a deft swish, she stepped off the carpet, right beside him and smoothed whatever creases that there may be on her flimsy gown. With an expert’s eye, she scanned if there were any speck of dirt that happened to hitch on the snow-white fabric while she was walking. There was none and that pleased her a lot. She wanted everything to be perfect.

‘I thought that you could never be more lovely when you have on that little black dress you wore on the engagement party. I guess I was awfully wrong.’ James murmured down to her ear and quirked his mouth into a half-smile. For some reason, her vocal cords were still tightly knotted so she could only smile back at the comment. Inch by inch, her palm was enveloped by a stronger and warmer hand. Only then had Lily realized that she was cold as ice and trembling badly.

A small frown etched above his characteristic large glasses. ‘You’re shaking.’ He remarked and put her small hands between his and let the camellias dangle on her forearm, forgotten. He started rubbing them as if to let some of his warmth carry on to her.

The act soothed her nerves a bit and she managed to say ‘Thank you.’ She smiled at his thoughtfulness then took her time looking up at his face. A face that had become so dear to her that she had memorized every single inch of it.

‘Your hair…’ she commented at his stygian locks that was usually so unruly, sticking out in every angle. As if it wasn’t enough, he messed it up with his hand every now and then, out of force of habit.

James raised his hand to mess it when he heard Lily’s wondering tone but she quickly shook her head at him.

‘Don’t.’ she said, and added a comment. ‘It look nice on you. What did you do with it?’

‘This?’ he pointed at his surprisingly orderly hair and winced at recollection at the grueling hour he spent struggling with it and nearly scalping himself. ‘You don’t want to know.’

‘I can tell.’ She murmured knowingly at his expression and gave a little laugh. Tiptoeing, she caught several scents on him. ‘That would be—James, did you use "Hair and There"?’ she asked all of a sudden.

‘That’s what Sirius lent me. Why?’ Was the confused answer.

Lily was so astounded that she could only cover her mouth to stop her from laughing aloud. ‘But that’s for dog grooming!’ But before James could react, the organ changed its tune to the familiar bars of "Here Comes The Bride".

The whole congregation stood up to see the bride so Lily, being naturally petite, knew it would be futile to try to catch a glimpse so she looked at the groom instead. On the other side of the carpet opposite them, Frank Longbottom nervously fiddling with his own bow while never uprooting his eyes on the main attraction.

Then, after some grueling seconds, the bride reached them. Lily noticed that usually cheerful brunette was visibly robbed of her smile and shaking trembling badly. Putting a reassuring hand to her arm, she whispered ‘This is it. It’s all going to be all right, Alice.’ She beamed at her teary-eyed best friend, sympathizing at the mutual state of nerves she observed from the couple.

Alice, on impulse, squeezed Lily into a tight bear-hug and murmured a quick word of thanks before facing the priest and her own soon-to-be husband.

James, after a while, noticed Lily shaking once more and realized that she was shedding her own tears too. ‘Hey, what’s wrong?’ he nudged her gently and pointed at the flowers she held. ‘You’re drowning them.’

‘It’s just that… it would be the last time I hugged Alice as Alice Thatcher. The next time it would be Alice Longbottom.’

James glanced at the also weeping, round-faced brunette and squeezed Lily’s hand gently. ‘But she’d still be the good ol’ Alice, won’t she? So stop that and shush, the ceremony’s starting.’

Lily saw the point but still, the small feeling of sadness lingered yet she did stop her sniffling and took her seat with the rest as the priest began the benediction.

He let out a sigh on seeing Lily less than cheerful than she ought to be. ‘What are you so sad about? So what if Alice is a Longbottom. You still have me.’

Lily stopped for a while and gave him a wondering glance. For some reason, a lump grew in her throat. ‘What do you mean?’

‘What I meant is, if ever I do get married, I’d still be James Potter, right?’ he replied, matter-of-factly.

This did the trick as a laugh surfaced and the priest shot her a discreet glare before she could stop herself. She playfully poked his ribs and replied, ‘Silly dog.’

‘Um, that would be Sirius who I swear I will hang by the neck when I can finally be free to move from here.’ He muttered under his breath with a curse.

‘Don’t say that.’ She hissed at him.

‘Why?’

‘This is a sacred place for muggles. Give them some respect they deserve.’

‘But I do! I just said—‘ he cut his word short when he received the end of her icy glare. ‘All right. But, really, do Frankie and Alice got to have their marriage in this muggle—whatchacallit? Um…oh, yeah—church?’

‘Alice said they had to, don’t you remember? Frank’s new assignment in the ministry need him to be near muggles so naturally, they invited the muggles they know and then hold it in a muggle place. It’s not so bad at all James, you’ve got to admit that. In fact,’ she paused and wistfully viewed the graceful art and sense of sanctity of the church. ‘It’s very, very lovely.’

‘If you say so.’ He shrugged indifferently and looked in a different direction which Lily was quick to note and made her cheeriness altogether fade.

Given a chance, Lily would have desired to have a wedding so beautiful and perfect as Frank and Alice’s, which was going on so far without a hitch. A big wedding in a grand cathedral with bells tolling and everything decked in flowers. Heaven knows how much such a normal, muggle-ish dream would cost to give it a try but, after all, it was only for once in a woman’s lifetime.

Lily’s eyes blurred at the feeling of having a dream so far to reach and wanted to wipe the tears when she realized that James was still tightly holding on to her hand which was carrying the handkerchief.

But most importantly, Lily wanted to marry a man whom she’d love forever and die for, if needed—Heaven forbid it wouldn’t happen—and who will give her the same.

Suddenly, James felt Lily’s hand twitch involuntarily and made him conscious of where his hand was and slowly withdrew his grip, hoping to go unnoticed but didn’t.

She felt a rush of wretchedness and wanted to confront him at what he’d done. But she couldn’t blame him, anyway, if he self-consciously withdrew his hand from hers. It was one of those signs that he didn’t want a serious relationship with her other than a tightly-knit friendship. She wondered if ever he did feel anything at her besides anything platonic or brotherly towards her.

During the years at Hogwarts, you may say that there was a bit of attraction coming from James which she tried to dissuade as long as she could but then… something utterly unexpected just happened to her and slowly, she began to like him—James, when it came to the opposite sex, who was somewhere between being the arrogant God of All Pricks or the knight in shining armour every girl had drooled upon. Implying also that even if he wasn’t a knight in shining armour, every girl in Hogwarts drooled for him since he, after all, was the great James Potter: star Quidditch player, old family named, notably well-off and ladies’ man extraordinaire…

Well…every girl EXCEPT her, who only thought of him then as a pompous airhead with a hide of the legendary Grendel. A real macho-jackass with the rest of his companions—with exception to Remus, of course, a friend of hers before she even knew he hung out with the others.

Lily smiled at this recollection. James had come so far from being that Potter who he was then into now. He still was a ladies’ man and the works but…never mind. All that she wanted to say was that, James had changed in some way or another and that she… she became fond of him, however impossible that might sound.

And yet, years after they have known each other, they were everything else except lovers.

It would not seem so to other persons because he took her out often or when his work time permitted him to (‘Friendly dates and no anything intimate’ Lily added quickly to herself), kissed her sometimes (but always on the forehead or cheek), hugged her (but often felt like it was detached) and other things. The fact was, James maintained it nothing more as friendship.

But there were times when Lily felt that there was more than that. Sometimes, when they were alone, he did things that Lily did not know if it was platonic or… or something more than that. Like that when she fell with a severe case of flu and he was the one who took care of her and when bade goodbye, embracing her tightly for sometime before kissing her two cheeks and nose. Or when he came from work dog-tired but remembered that he promised to watch a video at her flat but slept on its whole length—not that it mattered, but he made her into his pillow, hugging her and sleeping on her lap ( nearly salivating on her shirt but she managed to rouse him in time). It was so irritating, confusing, frustrating, this whole business.

But, truthfully, he was the nearest thing she could want for someone she wanted to spend all her years with until she’s old and wrinkly as Dumbledore or more.

In a drowsy tone rivaling Prof. Binns’, the priest droned at Alice, ‘…in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, for better or for worse?’

‘I do.’ Alice answered and smiled shakily at Frank.

Torn with a half-sinking, half-exalting feeling, she came to a full realization on what she felt for the young man who sat next to her.

But if James doesn’t love her but another instead, she’ll let him go. No matter how much it hurt her, just that he would be happy.

Lily wished hard, so hard everything in her hurt, that someday, somehow, someway, everything would turn out fine.

…

‘Hey, Padfoot. Take a look at that. ’ Remus nudged Sirius by his elbow, which irritated the other well and returned it with more force.

‘I am already looking!.’ He replied edgily. ‘No need to elbow. ‘

For a while, both of them watched in a predatory manner over Lily and James who sat on the front row and whispering a small talk between them with smiles and looks shared only to the two of them.

‘They’re so sweet it makes me want to have someone like that.’ Lupin noted wryly and let out a small rueful sigh.

‘They’re so sweet they’re making me bloody sick.’ Sirius drawled sardonically. ‘Ugh…my spine shivers and every strand of hair I possess is standing on its roots. Can they take it somewhere else where nobody can see them? Ants are crawling all over me! They look more lovey-dovey than Frankie and Alice with that old man up there.’

By the other side of Remus, Peter interjected vehemently. ‘Can’t James notice what he’s doing when he’s with Lily? For once, Sirius, I do agree with you. It is a sickening sight.’ Then he added, ‘He even acts like he’s monogamous.’

Remus defensively frowned when he heard Peter’s note when referring to Lily. "Don’t talk about Lily like that when I’m here.’ He threw a scathing glance at him, who reluctantly muttered a small apology. ‘Let them go. They deserve to be happy. And James became monogamous since he met her, if you’ve forgotten about that.’

Sirius wanted to smile when he noted the werewolf’s seldom heard defensive talk, but then chose to ignore the last statements. ‘Ughhh! To go through this hellish torture of seeing James and his lady love so utterly besotted with each other…What!’ he raised his voice when he saw Remus’ expression. There was a shushing sound behind them but paid no heed to.

Two eyebrows cocked skeptically over the piercing gray irises. Remus exclaimed in an all-knowing manner, ‘If I know, Padfoot, you are a sentimental fool.’

‘Look who’s talking!’ It was his turn to be defensive.

The shushing sound continued, more pronounced than the last time but was still ignored.

‘…More than I am, even.’

‘Am bloody not!’ He bristled visibly at the accusation. ‘All these years that I’ve seen, met and looked at people’s minds, you are probably the sappiest person alive.’

The old muggle lady from behind them soundly knocked both of their heads with a knobby-handled umbrella, hissing at them to keep quiet.

Rubbing his head, Remus continued with a lowered voice. ‘Hey, if you weren’t, why did you give your place up as best man when you knew that Lily was chosen as the Maid of Honor?’

Sirius, who was grimacing from the blow, kept mum for a split second before haltingly replying. ‘Because—um—they look like a better couple. I mean they were a couple before we even graduated and they are a couple and—‘

‘I may be only half-human, Padfoot but I’m half-animal too and I can sense denial when I feel it.’

‘I don’t need your psychic stuff Moony, thank you very much.’ He puffed out and then looked forward at the pair. Moments later, to the surprise of Remus, he spoke up.

‘You’re right. It makes you bloody want to have a lady love. Why does James have and we don’t?’

Remus only rolled his eyes upward, then continued to rub the still hurting spot on his head. Then he noticed the Sirius shuffling unusually in his seat. And before he had a moment to think about what he was up to, the other faked a loud sneeze. Simultaneously, he heard a noise behind him. Turning around, he saw the old woman falling from her seat, unconscious, and the people around her helping her up as discreetly as they could.

He faced Sirius, who shot him a conspiratorial wink and feigned to wipe his nose with a hanky.

‘Bless you, Padfoot.’ he meaningfully said.

‘Thank you.’

Peter was sporting a look of disbelief. ‘Did you do just that?’ he shot at Sirius.

‘How could you say that! I’m not even moving a finger!’ he innocently defended himself then glared at a snickering Remus.

‘You know what, Moony? I want to make a wager.’ He began.

Remus caught a whiff of what he was thinking and said, ‘Lily and James will get together anytime soon so there’s no use for duping me into wasting a good ten galleons—‘

‘Which you owe me still.’ The other pointed out.

‘—for something that is obviously going to happen.’ Remus finished with emphasis, so self-assured of his words.

‘No!’ Peter blurted out the word with such a disbelieving tone that it made other two turn around to him.

‘There’s your answer, Remus. Someone doesn’t have the same point of view as we do so the wager is on and,’ he produced a small black notebook from the pocket of his jacket and wrote Yes and No on top of a page. ‘this will be the proof. Twenty galleons a bet. I sign here,’ he wrote his name under the Yes column, ‘And Remus, below me and Peter beside us.’

The werewolf turned ashen. ‘Twenty galleons! Are you kidding me?’

‘Trust me, Moony. You’d be rich before you know it.’ Sirius assured him and winked once more.

…

He hand found her. He had seen her. And he knew the exact reasons why the Death eaters wanted the girl.

It was all Alfred Kennings could think about as he wound through the labyrinth of dark alleys that veined throughout Dublin. The rain was already seeping into his robes and he was cold, tired and weary of being chased without rest. Though he wanted to know how on earth did Voldemort’s followers find out that he was there, he had no time to ponder. The main objective now is to get out of the city unscathed and intact and the files he retrieved tucked protectively inside his coat.

He needed to get out there safe, contact the other members of the order for back-ups and come back for the girl. She had so much power within her it was frightening to guess what would happen if the Dark Lord laid his hands on her.

Finally reaching the dead end of a street, he took a few deep breaths and looked at his watch. Good, he was a few minutes earlier than the agreed time. Within a few minutes, he’d be back in Hogwarts, report to Dumbledore, go home to his family, take a hot bath, eat a hot dinner and sleep.

Nervously, he looked at his watch again and saw that he only had two minutes more to wait. With a quick glance around him, he saw the object of his salvation: an old Christmas stocking (his, as a matter of fact, which is why he knew) that lay forlorn on top of a rubbish pile. He grabbed it with both of his hands and anxiously waited for the minutes to pass by.

One minute to go, thirty seconds, twenty ten…

But before he could count to one, a massive force from behind him met with the back of his skull with a resounding crunch, blacking out everything else that he was thinking. He was only dimly aware of a loud voice booming on top of his crouching figure, saying: ‘Obliviate!’, vaguely noticing that the stocking gave off a faint blue hue, pulled him in with a jolting sensation in the navel right after a beam of light hit him.

Then, nothingness.

…

‘…And all the single women above the age of twelve line up here.’ The emcee, the lively Dorcas Meadowes (a mutual friend of rank and Alice) enthusiastically called out and when some did not move, she pulled them up bodily and dragged them to the stage. ‘And you’re not excusing yourself, Professor Mcgonnagal!’ she shot the stone-faced professor who suddenly looked like someone who had stepped on dog poo on a street just as when they’re going to propose.

James shot Lily a nudging look but she cringed in horror instead.

‘I am not going there!’ she wailed at him but had not other choice since she was dragged halfway here. ‘NOOO!!!’ she was shouting all the way until they reached the stage. She usually wasn’t this uncooperative when bouquet-tossing. Then why was she now?

He had to laugh at her pitiful state, saying all the time that she did not want to. For some reason, she dreaded bouquet tossing. But his blood froze in his arteries when Dorcas spoke again.

‘Well, well, if it isn’t Miss Evans! Rejoice!!! Is James Potter anywhere in this room? ’ the voice boomed at the sound system and he found himself trying to escape to the shadows but the show light centered him and all the eyes zoomed straight at his direction. Now he knew why Lily looked so frightened.

‘What do you all say if we just give the lovely couple the bouquet and garter?’ she wickedly shouted and the room immediately filled with whistles and cheers.

Uncomfortable, he tried to excuse himself by saying: ‘Isn’t that too biased? Give the loveless ones a chance!’

Alice shrugged her shoulders at the emcee who looked like she wanted to strangle James. ‘You are such a spoilsport. I was just calling out!’ she pouted before explaining the familiar rules at the contestant, the more eager ones ready to jump any second. Lily however chose to remain at the back with Mcgonnagal who seemed as edgy as she was herself.

‘May I remind that no one may inflict anything physical. There’s a twist. Whoever catches the bouquet may choose anyone they like! Understood? Ok! Ready? On the count of three!’ The voice rang and Alice stood in her proper place.

‘One…’ everyone seemed to be counting and found herself unable to breathe. What if someone enchanted the bouquet and made it fly at her? The others bent their knees and their feet inching slowly nearer and nearer to the bride.

‘Two…’ Maybe she should act as if she fainted or something as so to avoid the slipping of the garter, Lily thought frantically. By now, the muscles of the other women were highly tense, like a tightly coiled spring, ready to release the pent-up energy in them. The hands appeared like claws, itching to get the coveted bridal bouquet since they knew it would give them a chance to hit on the most eligible bachelors in the party, Potter and Black including. It seemed to Lily that the moments between the counts stretched into eternity.

‘THREE!!!’

In a swift movement, Alice throws the flowers, a bit too powerful than she intended. The women sprang and jumped so high, claw-like arms viciously making a grab at anything, some unfortunately landed on the carefully made faces or hair of the others and in a split second almost everyone was fighting at each other. They forgot the gravity-defying flowers at the intense displeasure of their failure and of the ones who they think who clawed them. Lily saw the perfect white blooms looming closer and closer at her like an impending doom. She would be the one! She screamed inside and waited to let the flowers fall on the shyly opened hands.

And then the flowers brushed against her cheek and bounced of her shoulder…

…to Professor Mcgonnagal!!!

The room erupted into disbelieving cries and laughter. As for herself, the professor blushed like an adolescent and tried to give the bouquet to the emcee who kept saying that she had no other choice but to pick a partner.

The young men in unison backed away in fear and turned bluish in an instant they realized Mcgonnagal was going to pick a man. All they could think about was that Mcgonnagal seemed old and was sure he legs would appear somehow like prunes on a stick rather than the smooth, well-figured calves of any of the young ladies.

Realization came to Lily and somehow, the fact that she didn’t get the bouquet when she was so near to catching it and missing the chance to pick the man of her choice, she felt a bit down but recovered when she caught up with the events.

As usual, the deputy headmistress with her infallible hawk-like eyes did not miss that reaction and gave a haughty and dignified sniff, on which Lily could only laugh.

Mcgonnagal saw Dumbledore smiling indulgently at the events and gave him a you-wouldn’t-dare-not-do-this-for-me glare and rather forcefully handed him the elastic band of lace and satin.

To the surprise of everyone, when Mcgonnagal’s skirt was hiked, she possessed still smooth and well-toned legs that made all of them gasp. Chuckling to himself, the headmaster slid with ease the garter and pulled the skirt down.

An explosion of wild cheers filled the air before the room rang with the sound of forks hitting the crystal glasses demanding for a kiss.

‘Who?’ the emcee asked. Some shouted for the groom and bride while the rest, and more vociferously, demanded the kiss held for Dumbledore and Mcgonnagal. At this, Dumbledore only smiled more, his blue eyes twinkling in laughter and gave her a chaste kiss on the cheek, but both of them nevertheless had splotches of red in the face afterwards.

Quite some time later, the commotion had died down and the tables gave way to a wide dance floor. The pianist twiddled with the keys a bit, as well as the other band members who were tuning their own instruments. The microphone echoed loudly for a second before the vocalist tapped it for a sound.

Lily surveyed the people moving about and a few couples poised on the dance floor, sipping her champagne quietly. To be truthful, she felt a bit light-headed and couldn’t remember clearly whether or not she had eaten anything that day in the excitement of the events.

‘You’re getting yourself drunk, Lily.’

She whirled and looked at James at the eye. ‘Am not. I was just thirsty and the men at the buffet table gave me this thing.’

He crouched before her and stroked her face gently that she gave up stopping her tears. ‘I feel so wretched, James…’

‘About Alice again?’

‘No! About…’ she stopped her tongue with all her remaining mental strength. ‘…I don’t know. About everything I guess. And nothing. And something.’ She babbled nonsensically and laughed at her own silliness.

‘When was the last time you ate?’ he concernedly pried.

‘Lunch, of course.’ But she saw his disbelieving glare and gave out. ‘All right. Breakfast.’

‘And what did you eat?’ his tone was now more strong.

‘This and that…’ she trailed off, afraid to see him angry if he realized that she only took in tea and a few biscuits.

‘Then you’re drowning yourself in champagne.’

He just stared at her for sometime, trying to be angry for her sake and wanting to lecture her for not eating at the right time. But he found himself not thinking properly, just staring at her eyes which seemed to him greener and greener every moment and made enormous because of the tears. For a moment, he though he would drown in their depths. Behind him, he could hear the vocalist muttering, ‘One, two, three…’ At the corner of his eye, he saw Sirius and Remus waving madly at a Peter and a crowd gathering around them and shouting something at the first two. But, what the heck! He didn’t care what were they up to this time. What mattered now was the girl he was kneeling in front of.

The band strummed into a tune and then he quipped. ‘You know what?’

‘What?’

‘I know something that will cheer you up.’ He said, and striding back, he offered a hand to her. ‘May I have the honour to dance with this beautiful lady?’

‘You give your hand to me…’

‘Oh, shut up, James. I’m not that.’ She mock-frowned but smiled brightly as she held the outstretched hand and pulled herself up, leaving the champagne glass on the chair.

‘and then you say hello…’

‘Oh, yes you are!’ He indignantly retorted and pulled her close. ‘It’s a certified fact, general truth and I’m a big, fat liar.’ He ended with a laugh which earned him another poke in the rib. ‘If I remember rightly, the last time we danced is at the Graduation Ball. The first and the last time. But what I can recall correctly is that I stepped at your toes for a total of seventeen times.’

‘And I can hardly speak…’

She felt the comforting rumble on his chest as he laughed and let herself laugh too. But she did not have much time to laugh as James put his face near hers, their foreheads and noses touching. ‘Honestly, I’m bothered, thinking that you might not want to dance with me again since that night.’

‘…my heart is beating so.’

She managed to whisper, albeit breathlessly, ‘It’s my favorite song…’

The pad of his thumb touched her bottom lip and silencing her effectively. ‘I know. It’s mine too…’

‘And anyone could tell,…’

‘you think you know me well…’

‘But you don't know me… hmmm…’

They were so close she could feel his breath rushing down on her and felt his pulse race, meaning that he was feeling the same rush as she was.

‘No, you don't know the one…’

‘who dreams of you at night…’

She could only shut her eyes and feel.

‘And longs to kiss your lips and longs to hold you tight…’

But she needed to know!

‘Oh, I'm just a friend, and that's all I've ever been…’

‘But James, I have to talk to you…’

James opened his hazel eyes that aligned with her own emerald ones.

‘Do you love me, James?’

‘Coz’ you don’t know me…’

The warmth of Lily’s skin made him abandon all his care and pressed nearer to her. Damn the Order. Damn anyone who was tailing him even to that moment. Damn whatever Moody said about keeping his feeling at bay. Damn at whoever was staring at them. All he cared about was Lily, her scent, the smoothness of her skin, her warm breathing, her softness and the unconscious act of sharing all that he had that moment with her.

‘I never knew the art of making love…’

‘Though my heart aches with love for you…’

Lily had no idea how much he wanted to be like this, hold her like this for so long and always.

‘Afraid and shy I let my chance go by…’

Lily had no idea how much he loved her.

But there was no other choice. It was because of this reason he was pretending when all he wanted to be is to be for real with Lily.

‘Lily…I…let’s not talk about this tonight, alright?’ he softly whispered to her, his tone almost pleading, hoping so much she would understand.

‘The chance that you might love me too…’

Lily faltered in her steps the moment the words reached her ears, her heart making a gut-wrenching and grinding halt.

‘You give your hand to me…’

So that was just it. Let’s not talk about it. How cruel his words were. When she asks him, that was his reply.

‘and then you say good-bye…’

All right. Fine. As if she did care about it. After all, she was just the helplessly unimportant servant-girl at some fairy tale who happened to fall hard for the knight in shining armour that wasn’t just for her.

James was not for her.

‘I watch you walk away beside the lucky guy…’

Lily knew she shouldn’t give a damn, but she did. A lot. And it was sadistically squeezing her chest. The next thing she knew, she couldn’t so much as breath.

Mumbling an excuse she herself couldn’t make something out, she tore herself from him and weakly wobbled away from him. Then, gaining speed, she ran out into the night forgetting where she was and what occasion was it although she could hardly see anything even those in front of her.

‘Oh, you won’t know the one…’

A yellow cab stopped in front of her, quite mistaking that she wanted a ride. But when Lily heard steps behind her, she made a decision.

‘…the one who loves you so…’

She quickly shoved herself inside the cramped space of the vehicle and gave some directions. Hardly even finished, the cabbie shot down the road. By his side mirror, he could see the faint silhouette of a bespectacled man who came for the lady in his cab too late.

‘ Coz’ you don’t know me…’

The lone yellow taxi went off, with Lily inside of it. Another cab, seeing him, greedily placed itself in front of him and opened an inviting door that, he knew, would take him to her. He could catch up really fast and well, there wasn’t any problem about that. But he couldn’t. He shouldn’t.

‘Oh no, you don’t know me…’

He wanted to stop the knives stabbing his heart and stomach. The veins were straining so hard to go to Lily. He yearned desperately to be beside her again, nd hold her within his arms.

But James spoke to the waiting cabbie, ‘I’m sorry but thank you. I don’t need one.’ His voice grated and seared at the constricted lump in his throat, as well as his now watery hazel eyes.

He had to let go of Lily. He must! It was the right choice.

‘You don’t know me.’

But why was he hurting like Hell?

An appreciative round of applause once more filled the reception hall and the vocalist smugly said her thank you’s before moving on to another song but also a love song.

James couldn’t stand it anymore. So he started walking away on his own into the dark and cold street.

Above him, the first snowflakes of that year had started to fall.

2. Chapter 2

Author’s Note: This chapter was a bit altered so go start again from the first chapter! Thank you. >.<

Chapter 2

The teaspoon was already scraping at the bottom of the delicate china teacup, making a tinny sound irritating to the ear.

As if she wasn’t irritated by now.

Lily was not blessed with having eyes at the back of her head but this she knew very well. Her coworkers were whispering furiously at one another. No need for extra eyes or ears to sense also that she was the one they were talking about. You could positively hear them a mile away.

She took a sip of the tea that was already only lukewarm after her vigorous stirring. It didn’t have its usual effect of soothing her. It only made her edgier. The reason was attempting to seat herself right in front of Lily.

To think that it was her lunch break, the only time in her whole work hours where she could at least rest and relax a bit after taking care of patients all morning. Being a Healer was not wholly her idea of fun.

Lily forced herself to place the teacup gently down on the saucer and not bang it down the table and smile at the ‘reason’. It was just as pleasant as being forced to smell a rotten egg.

‘So,’ she started, the corner of her mouth twitching at her effort, ‘May I ask why are you sitting in front of me all of the sudden?’ Lily’s eyes were throwing daggers at the woman directly opposite her, no less than Kaye Summers a.k.a. Miss Can’t-Zip-It who was unfortunately, another Healer in St. Mungo’s as she was so she had no other choice but to tolerate her, highly nerve-fraying and everything.

The other woman smiled sweetly at her but by no means hiding the great desire to twist the words she hears into stories so grotesque but not unreal enough to believe in. ‘Don’t be such a sore tush, darling,’ Summers giggled in an annoying high-pitched sound not much different from a rich widow’s poodle whining. In her opinion, calling everyone with terms of endearment would make you seem closer to them although you are really not.

Closer? Lily thought. That’s a load of bloody crap. ‘OK. I won’t be. So why are you in front of me?’ she snapped coolly.

The curving smile slid up Summers’ face more and probed Lily’s own. ‘Oooh…so tart today, darling. Is that a product of something, hm? Maybe a fight?’ she edged nearer to Lily. ‘Or a third wheel in your love life? Come on, dear. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. You can tell me!’

Lily could feel every single cell in her brain telling, commanding her hand in piercing screams to hit that bitch of a Summers, even if it would end up in her books.

Thankfully enough, the intruder had sensed Lily’s intense displeasure. Giving up, Summers leaned back into her own chair with a huff.

‘Boy, you got some real problem there girl. Don’t be so uptight. Every single one of us know about you and your yummy boy-toy. I don’t know why you’re being so close upon the subject of your own love l—‘

Lily’s teeth were grinding so hard that if she would put on more force upon it, the enamel would come off. Through these, she hissed back in a sharp mutter. ‘James is not my boyfriend or as you say it, boy-toy. Summers, I am asking you politely now to please stay out of that subject and leave me in peace.’

The older woman’s eyes widened in disbelief in hearing the first statement and ignored the more important latter part of what Lily said. ‘Is NOT!!! Come on! Darling, how can you deny that? Don’t you know how almost everyone of us girls are so green with envy because of that fantasy love of yours that we could claw your eyes out!’

‘You really don’t understand, Summers, do you?

‘Oh my god, that scene you and James made in the Longbottoms’ wedding in the dance, you were like the sweetest things on earth that you looked like as if it came from a best-selling romance novel! You were dancing like you’ve been dancing that way since the beginning of time and you are the only existing pair in the whole world. If I knew any better, you both can’t hardly wait to rip your clothes off and—‘

‘why won’t you SHUT UP!!!’

The anguished words came out of Lily before she could do anything to stop it. And to her horror, she felt two hot drops escape behind her eyes. Without another word, she stormed off, upsetting her chair and leaving the dumbfounded woman in her wake. She didn’t care if anyone or rather, everyone was staring at her.

Why of, all people, would it have to be Summers to tell her how sweet she and James were that night? Why would Summers have to her tell in that particular way that both of them looked as if they were meant to be together when they were…when they were…

Lily slammed the hospital washroom’s door and locked it severely before collapsing on her feet.

…when they were not…

Lily didn’t know how much time she spent there, crouched on the cold tile floor and waiting until she felt less worse. She only decided that it would be time to go out when she realized that her tailbone was already killing her and her rear had a temperature alike the floor.

She shouldn’t be thinking of James. She shouldn’t be thinking of the two of them. She shouldn’t think at all.

Therefore, she had to come up with ways to divert herself.

The idea of getting drunk first entered her mind. But she was at least not that muddle-headed to do that, so she came up with another decision: binge on sweets. Yes, sweets and bingeing. That meant a big serving of ice cream, with warm, home-made, soft batch, chocolate deluxe cookies. Comfort food of the desperate and depressed.

To hell with it if she’ll feel worse after the sugar-rush had died down. But so what? She needed as much comfort as she can. Right here. Right now.

The door behind her suddenly made a sound, making Lily jump. And when she remembered that doors didn’t usually do that, she hit her head soundly. It was a knock and nothing more, she told herself.

If it was Summers again, she had no other choice but gut her alive. The thought of it made Lily smile for the first time that day.

She undid the locking charms and swung the door open, ready to face the bitch.

What she didn’t expect was this.

‘Is that you, Miss Evans, inside?’ a pair of critical eyes ran over her features and, seeing the puffy eyes, smiled brightly. ‘Yep, it’s you, all right.’

It took a long time before the face registered into her brain. The sugar would definitely have to wait a long time. Before her stood the Minister of Magic.

‘Minister?’ her voice squeaked in her surprise. But what was even more surprising was the reaction.

‘Oh bloody crap. Not the Minister.’ The man muttered under his breath and cleared his throat. ‘Actually, I am not. I just do look like the Minister, but I assure you dear I am not.’ He smile congenially at her.

For a while, she was confused on what to do. Should she be happy that there was a stranger speaking to her while she was still in shambles or should she be fluttering around him since she was sure he was the minister although he claimed he wasn’t.

Realizing she was dumbfounded, he spoke up: ‘Well, Miss Evans. Don’t you find it so uncomfortable talking like this?’ He gestured at her, standing still inside the women’s wash room.

Really stupid of you, Lily. ‘Oh yes, yes. I’m sorry, sir.’ She rapidly recovered and walked out of the tiled room to face the stranger-slash-minister. ‘Why is it that you are here to talk to me, sir? Is there anything I can do for the Ministry?’ she ventured to ask.

A small mouth opened in a perfect circle before shutting again, as if changing his mind about speaking up. ‘It is like this—and would you stop calling me sir! It’s bloody irritating. I said I am not the Minister!’ his voice grated. ‘I’m going to kill that little—‘

‘Pardon, sir? I mean, pardon, mister?’

‘No, nothing.’ He waved his hands frantically before producing a wrinkled, white hanky to wipe the perspiration beading his forehead. ‘Geez, this is hard.’ A cough before he continued.

‘Very well. Miss Evans, there is a matter of great importance and discretion I have to discuss with you today.’

‘Anything, sir.’

‘No, sirs! Hrm… anyway, as I was saying, matter of importance and discretion. I hope I could trust you with this? With your loyalty to the Ministry and your life?’

A nod from Lily.

‘Good. There is a man admitted in St. Mungo’s, this hospital, a bit earlier today. And I want you to keep close guard on him. There should be no one to come close to him other than you and the other staff members. No contact from the outside, gifts or so. And I expect a daily report about him or if ever he would say something coherent. The task wouldn’t go without pay. Five hundred Galleons per month, if you keep with the contract. Understood me so far?’

The rush of information just clouded her mind more. Who was the man? Why was it so important and secret? Why so big a pay? And most important of all…

‘Why did you ask me for that job?’ she blurted out abruptly.

The man seemed frozen for a split second and answered with hesitation. ‘You see, you are a Healer in St. Mungo’s with a special access to all patients, so you can keep a close eye on the invalid. Why you specifically, is that you have a close tie with one of our contacts, if you get what I mean.’

Lily didn’t get what he meant but one thing was for sure. ‘I don’t need the galleons, I’m fine on my own. I think I am not the right person for this and I do not know who is that contact you are speaking of that I have a close tie with!’ she cried out rapidly before taking a deep breath and continuing. ‘I’m sorry, Mister –I-don’t-know-who-you –are, but I cant help you with your job.’

A muscle clenched at the jaw of the man. ‘You don’t understand me. I have give to you high-profile information and unless I erase your memory, there is a chance you might reveal it to someone else. Reject the offer, lose your memory and your job. Accept it without almost anything to do plus a letter of recommendation to your Head Healer and—let me see—two thousand galleons per month. Such an offer is rare and so profitable. I’m sure the right answer has never been more obvious.’

Blast everything that was happening to her. She could not think straight. Sure the answer was cut-glass clear but it was all too good to be true. And the man sounded so serious. She felt she was plunging headlong into something she couldn’t turn back and any mistake she’ll make would break her neck. She had no choice.

Or rather, she had a choice. She could say no. But then again, she need something else to think about other than what has been recently on her mind. And she had spent her whole lifetime on her safety zone, saying no to the things that she wasn’t sure of. She wanted to be reckless for at least once.

‘Fine. I’ll accept.’ She quietly decided and the man broke into a broad smile.

‘Good, good. Wise of you. Here,’ he handed her a black quill and little black notebook from his robe. He flipped at a page where dozens of names, some she knew, were scribbled hastily under a yes and no column. ‘Oops, wrong page.’ He apologetically smiled and flipped to a blank page. ‘It’s invisible ink,’ he assured her, ‘Sign your name and we’re finished.’

Wary, she took the quill from him quickly and signed. Suddenly, she felt a cutting pain on the back of her hand, making her drop both parchment and quill on the floor.

Her signature was cut in her flesh and her blood spelled out her name on the paper.

‘Sorry about that. Shit. Want a bandage or something?’ he pocketed the contract and quill as he spoke. ‘Geez, I’m bloody frigging sorry!’

‘No, I’m fine. It’s all right. I can manage.’ She wincingly assured the man. It hurt but, surprisingly, the wound had healed. But her shock sill hadn’t.

The way the man sounded like all of the sudden and how he reacted when she was cut struck a cord in her fogged mind.

Realizing she was gaping, she brushed the thoughts away and asked ‘By the way, who’s the patient, my contact and how am I going to get my pay?’

‘Let’s see… Patient is Alfred Kennings, Ward 58—just check your hospital records. Your pay would come through the mail. I’ll be your contact. If ever you need me, just send an owl-letter. Say it’s for "Snuffles".’ He paused thoughtfully. ‘Yeah, Iris would know its for me.’

He poised himself before her before bidding his goodbye. ‘And Miss Evans?’

‘Sir?’

‘Not sir! I told you that! Anyway, a word of advice. Cheer up a bit. Try to patch up your love life because perhaps you only misunderstood what your man did to you, all right?’

The green eyes widened at the words. ‘My what!’

But the man had already Apparated.

……

Knockturn Alley wasn’t given a bad reputation for nothing. But compared to what James had "visited" in the past, the dark alley was just a big joke. Nevertheless, it was a dangerous place to be in, especially if you did not belong in there.

Which was just what James is now. And it wasn’t even his "territory" and he was off –duty.

And still, the young man stood there, still amidst the hungry stares of the brooding men. Before him glimmered a shining blue diamond as large as his fist.

Several hundred carats of the rarest and perfectly cut gems to be found on the face of the earth. And so unfortunately, the most cursed.

A slight smile played at the corner of his mouth. Breathtakingly beautiful though it was, why the hell would he give such an accursed diamond to someone he loved? He may be sometimes eccentric but he wasn’t that twisted.

And besides, Lily’s green eyes would just overwhelm them, making it look like a giant hunk of blue-coloured coal.

Then, a bitter rush of memory swept through his thoughts. He had no right to think of Lily as his. She never was. She never can be. And if there was even a most miniscule speck of a chance that she would be his, it was dashed to oblivion by his own undoing a few nights before.

‘…let’s not talk about this tonight, alright?…’

Smooth as ice, James Potter. Really smooth.; he thought sardonically and buried his rapidly freezing hands in his pockets.

You’re going nowhere, James. Forget about her. And you know the reasons why.

‘If only it was so easy to do so…’ he mumbled to himself before cursing. He didn’t expect it would get so cold fast so he neglected putting on a scarf and gloves, and now his fingers were numbing, as well as his face and neck. But as he lifted his head, he saw something that caught his eye.

Someone was staring at him a few blocks away.

Apparently, whoever that was noticed the movement and fled into fast trot.

Damn! He was an open target for far too long. He mentally kicked himself before calculating the movements of his surveyor. He let himself break into a small jog until he was met by a small crowd that coincided with a curb from small alley. Quickly, he was gone from the main street.

The slushy , partially melted snow mingled with a bit of mud scattered in the poorly paved way did not hinder his running but he hated the way a bit that entered his shoes and squished as he took a step. But he was to worry about that later.

Third block, a left turn, two more blocks and then, James drew his wand from his pocket and aimed it at his target as soon as he got in the only remaining exit of Knockturn alley.

‘James! You’re scaring the shit out of me!’

It took a while for him to recognize the one who he was aiming at. ‘Peter? What the hell are you doing in here!’ He cried in disbelief. His target had escaped from him. And his seniors were going to have a fit if they knew that. Stupid, stupid, stupid!

‘Should ask you the same thing! For the love of—put that thing away from my face, will you?’ The other was slightly squirming at the end of James’ aimed wand.

‘Sorry.’ The wand disappeared into his deep pocket. ‘I was looking for something. What were you thinking of looking back at me?’

‘Got lost. Been wandering around for a couple of minutes in here. Can we get out of here? People here are giving me the creeps.’ He breathlessly explained before tugging at James towards Diagon Alley.

James gave his head a shake. ‘N—no, you go first. I haven’t found what I was looking for. Exit is just straight ahead.’ He spoke in a scattered manner. He needed to think for a while at what he was going to do.

‘You all right?’

‘Yeah. Just a bit shaken.’ He gave a little laugh. ‘I’m a bunch of nerves lately.’

Peter scrunched his round face for a while and said. ‘About Lily running away from you, you shouldn’t feel bad about that. It’s her fault if she doesn’t want you, that little b—‘

‘I get the point, all right.’ He cut the words short, growling under his breath. ‘Go on, now.’

Peter gave him one last look before walking hurriedly towards the other side of the dark alley, leaving James alone.

Peter doesn’t understand. It was my fault. And I’m the filthy little basta—

James hadn’t had the chance to finish his thoughts as a cold endpoint of something thin and wooden pressed firmly upon his nape. His heart came into a painful halt.

‘You were open from behind, kid.’ A harsh voice growled at him, but nevertheless, James’ heartbeat resumed its beating. ‘If I were someone else, I would’ve killed you ages ago.’

Feeling safe, James turned around and met Alastor Moody’s cold glare. ‘Sorry,’ he groaned. He tried to push the wand away from his face but the elder man wouldn’t budge.

‘Too open. If you go one being like this, you shouldn’t have been an Auror in the first place. I’m in a good mind to give you a bad one.’ He continued to growl, his words referring to a penalty curse. But the wand lowered and was tucked in an inner pocket before he spoke again. ‘Not today. I’m busy. Just don’t do it again. Get me, kid?’

‘Yeah.’ James answered shakily. Bad that Moody was cross at him, worse still if he would get a curse from the veteran.

‘Come, I have to talk to you.’ He muttered and walked towards Diagon Alley.

‘’Bout what?’ James squinted at the sudden impact of the white light as they entered the bright alley.

‘Go buy yourself food first. I hear your stomach complaining.’ Came as an answer.

True enough, it was the reason why James was there. At the sudden turn of events, James had forgotten that it was his lunch.

Entering the nearest restaurant, they settled to the darkest corner. A dwarf took heir orders and stalked away.

‘What do you want with me?’ He asked, stirring the cup of tea that appeared magically in front of him.

‘I want you to apologize to Lily.’

The words made James drink the coffee way to quickly and scalded himself. Choking he cried, ‘What!’

‘I said, apologize to Miss Evans.’ The old man waved at the air with a piece of buttered toast, before sniffing it cautiously then nibbling at it.

‘H—How did you know?’ James could only stutter.

‘I have my sources. You may say that it’s none of my business, but I’m making it mine. You’re under my team, and for the past few days you’ve been so goddamned distracted, its laughable.’

James could only curse inwardly at what he was saying. It was enough that he was tormenting himself with playing and replaying the night in his mind, but realizing that Moody knew even that, he was already burning in humiliation and indignation.

‘Besides,’ the weary Auror continued, ‘Evans has taken part in something we couldn’t handle for ourselves. See for yourself.’ He pushed to James a scrap of paper with Lily’s signature on.

Recognizing the blood quill’s ink, he realized that Mad-eye was serious. ‘A contract? What for?’

Moody hissed. ‘Not in here, kid. Later. I’d be out for an hour but when I’m back, meet me at my office. Then, we’d talk.’ He stood up, leaving his coffee untouched and walked out of restaurant, leaving the young man with his thoughts.

…..

Lupin warily eyed the things in front of him despite the fact that he was starving: a steak, baked potatoes, buttered vegetables, clean plate and glasses. But his grey gaze was lowered at something else.

With a cautious finger, he tentatively touched his knife. The moment he pressed his hand on the metallic surface, he expected to feel a reaction similar to being branded. Fortunately, it didn’t feel burning against his finger. It had no traces of silver whatsoever. That was one thing good in Hogshead: they were so cheap they didn’t trust to serve with silverware. Happily, he dug into his late lunch.

Moments later, a bleary eyed Sirius ambled to the seat opposite him and gave him a sharp look.

He gulped down a mouthful of chewed potato before speaking. ‘You know it was Polyjuice Potion, Padfoot. You don’t expect it to taste like pumpkin juice!’

‘But the friggin’ Minister of Magic! Frigging wicked hell! You know I couldn’t stomach him, much less be him.’ He crossly retorted at the mock innocent-eyed werewolf.

‘But you said a convincing person! Hence, the Minister.’ He beamed back beatifically. ‘Sacrifices need to be made for the greater good.’

‘What exactly is the greater good?’

‘Ensuring the survival of a future generation.’

‘Ooohh, I’m gonna get you for this, Moony.’ He said between gritted teeth as a similar meal was brought by the bartender.

Remus wiped his mouth on his napkin before speaking again. ‘So, what did Lily say? Did she find out it was you?’

‘Fat chance she’d recognize me. She agreed but she’s pretty suspicious about the whole thing.’ Sirius munched thoughtfully on his steak. ‘Say, were you the one who gave me that blood quill?’

‘Contracts are made with blood pacts. Necessary. The document is genuine. And besides, Moody said anyone we knew who was working in St. Mungo’s would do. Lily was. We didn’t really violate anything.’ A pause reigned for a few moments. ‘Did we?’

‘Nah. Even Moody approved of it.’ Sirius brushed the sudden cold that crept in his veins. ‘’Course not.’ But his voice wasn’t so assured. ‘Oh hell, what’s done had been done. If all goes well, James and Lily would be fine again. We’ll just give both of them a scare and we’ll hear wedding bells soon enough and the tinkle of sweet money in our pockets.’

‘Won’t James be angry if he finds out about this?’

‘Angry as a troll. That’s why we both should shut up.’

Remus swilled the dregs of his Butterbeer before offering them to the bartender for a refill.

The doors of the dingy inn swung open and a dark-cloaked figure walked straight at them and plopped at the seat at the right of Remus.

‘Everything’s fine?’ Remus ventured to ask the newcomer.

A quick nod.

Sirius signaled for two Butterbeers and gave one to him. ‘All is set then. A toast for the completion of the first set.’

The three mugs clinked in unison, then the three sipped the hot drink in silence.

Sirius stretched his arm to pat the newcomer’s shoulder.

‘We owe you one, Moody. We really do.’

‘Sure. Anything for those two.’ Moody carefully tested the drink first before helping himself to the Butterbeer.

…..

Lily walked down into the well-tread path of corridors leading to the isolated Ward 58 where Alfred Kennings was still kept for the nth time just that day. For the past weeks, he hadn’t moved an inch or spoken a word. She was beginning to feel guilty at being paid a lot for doing nothing except watch the man’s chest fall up and down in a shallow breathing pattern. Every night without fail, she sent her owl, Iris, to the ‘Snuffles’ slash Minister person. It was awfully strange how the owl came back quickly too with a hastily scratched note saying keep watching.

It struck her weird, then she grew suspicious of the stranger but still she couldn’t remember where she heard the way he cursed.

At first she thought her life was to change drastically and all would turn out like some espionage thing like the ones she read about. But her hopes had died and now, her life was still as dull as it had been.

Nevertheless, she still checked up on the patient as frequently as she could.

She sighed before opening the Ward door, expecting to see nothing had changed.

And she was right. The man was lying there like a dead man, his blanket stiffly tucked as she had left it the visit before.

Her eyes scanned tiredly for something to do in the room. Seeing the dead flowers by the bedside, she crept quietly to retrieve them and place them in a receptacle.

Her hands hadn’t even reached the table when suddenly a steel grip brought her down on the patient, wide eyed and breathing harshly.

‘Its her!!!—sigil tree— loaning— professing—guiness—‘ his hot breath prickled her skin uncontrollably as she tried to pry herself away from the vise-grip of the man. When she succeeded, she pulled the nearby emergency bellrope.

Then she realized, it was all too quiet.

She glanced back at Alfred Kennings but all she saw was a fresh corpse.

Yet what Lily could think about now was what the meaning of his words were.

……

3. Chapter 3

A/N: Again, this chapter had undergone a few changes and it would be quite better if you start again from the first chapter.

Chapter 3

The whip-like fingers of the winter had already wrapped itself so tangibly over the city. Indeed, thick, impenetrable fog had choked up London as never before.

Nevertheless, life hustled and bustled as it usually did, if not even busier. The difference was its noise was laced with scattered music of the upcoming holidays. A Silent Night being practiced inside a church, mechanical whizzing of many toys, wrapping paper crinkling…

…and screams of a man in death’s throes.

‘M—My lord. P-puh-please—‘ he was stuttering, spittle, mucus and tears mingling down his face.

An inhumanly cold voice but smooth as quicksilver began to laugh in a shallow, humorless manner. When it did stop, it was impossible to tell what was on the mind of the man. ‘I expected more from a Death Eater and I was utterly and abominably disappointed with your incompetence, Maypole.’ He spoke in almost a whisper, just audible enough to be heard by the wretched figure in front of him.

‘B-but—‘ the other began to protest.

He clicked his tongue aloud. ‘Did you hear that?’ he asked to someone unseen, hidden in the shadows. ‘He said but. I think the lowly leech just attempted to stand against me. As if his inadequacy was not enough.’ He added the last statement in a tone sow prolonged and low it was almost hissing, literally. The faint passing of air through his teeth was more than mere incidental.

From behind him, two scarlet eyes aglow appeared and if the man hissed, the sound only grew louder and more guttural, as if hungry.

‘Stay.’ He ordered the monster beside him. ‘Leech flesh is not fit to be eaten or even to be bitten.’

A small hissing sound was heard and, with a slither, the monster retreated once more into the shadows.

The wretched man fell upon the snowy ground, sputtering his gratitude. ‘My lord! You are most gracious and kind and—‘

Unheeding, the hissing man turned his heel and cocked his head towards the kneeling one.

And from nowhere, a harsher voice shouted ‘Incendio!’ and convulsive screams and the scent of burning flesh befouled the cold air.

Nonchalant of the torture in process, the hissing man addressed again. ‘Is Wormtail to be found in here?’ But it was not a question but a compulsory roll call.

‘You asked for me, Master?’ a squeaking voice ventured to materialize itself, shaky and uncertain as the speaker itself, fearing that the same fate would be put on him.

‘You claim that you found new leads?’

‘Yes, my master.’

‘Unusually commendable. And so?’

Wormtail pulled from his side a small beautiful owl, bound in Spellotape, with a parchment piece still attached to its leg. It began pecking him and as he, cursing aloud, retrieved the message. ‘I found out that a friend of mine decided to do this. I am very sure it will be a true lead!’

‘Go on.’

The man struggled to squint at the writing scribble. The expression of pleasure fast soured and he now heaped curses aloud.

‘You are getting on my nerves, Wormtail. My patience is thinning.’

‘My lord, it says that the one Maypole,’ he shot an involuntary look at the lump of ashes and charred bones that was once man before continuing, ‘was referring to and said to know the whereabouts of the girl, is already dead.’

‘Dead?’ The word lingered on the more powerful man’s mouth and was spat, as if tasting it and finding that it tasted like excrement.

It seemed that even the very blood in Wormtail’s veins froze at hearing the steel-edged tone. ‘Y-ye-yes, my lord.’

A sigh, then: ‘You know what to do. And may I remind you that I am tired of hearing nothing but failures from all of you.’

With that, the hissing man, with the monster beside him, disappeared with a sudden gust of December winds.

……

Within the same city, vivid emerald eyes flung wide open with the heavy pulsing at her temples. Cold sweat had dotted her face and everywhere else in her body. Consciously, she tried to feel for her throat, see if it was still intact. Only then she was relieved to remember that the man, Kennings, was already being embalmed, so it was fairly impossible that it would wake up and throttle her as he did in her nightmare.

‘Its her!!!—sigil tree— loaning— professing—guiness—‘

The words did not make any sense to her at all. If it did something, it was only to confuse her more with the oddity of the events.

Tiredly, she slunk back into the comforting warmth of her bed, but she knew not a wink would lie on her eyes for a long time yet. Her eyes wandered wonderingly to her closed window, where the light of a nearby lamp post made the newly laden snow glitter softly.

It had been a good week since she had sent her owl, Iris, to the Snuffles-man. And yet, her pet had not returned, such a highly unusual event since the owl came back from such a trip within twelve hours or less.

But what if someone had caught her owl and saw what she had written?

She buried her head into her pillow. That was a bit of farfetched. No one would suspect her owl out of so many post owls and the message wasn’t really worth anything. It just said that Kennings was dead and that’s that. No anything, not even a hello or the strange words of the dying man.

Her grip at her pillow tightened and she curled up into a tight ball, feeling the strange jittery feeling at the pit of her stomach and the uncomfortable solitude she had in her room. How she wished that Iris was there, then she could just come up to her pet and just pet it. That way, she did not feel so alone.

Alone…

‘James…’

It was no more than a weak whisper, but her insides clenched again at the memory of the wedding dance. But to think about it, it was her own fault too, running away like that!

What was she thinking of doing such a thing! It seemed like she was so childish to throw a fit over his words. After all, it was just him.

And it was also because of him.

Was she the one wrong? Perhaps…Maybe…More probably.

‘Yes.’ She admitted miserably and wormed her way under the covers. There was no one to hug so she just hugged her knees to herself, muttering ‘Stupid, stupid, stupid Lily Evans…’

She willed herself to listen to the sounds of the night and forget everything, even if it was only for a short time, so that she could return to sleep. There was a big day ahead of her. But even that sounded so impossible.

She blinked her eyes once, then twice. It was no use trying to sleep.

Then she wondered if there was also others who couldn’t sleep that night. More or less there would be someone who is awake at that time of the night.

Slowly, she dressed and looked at her fridge to see if there was anything to eat there. Recalling that it was almost a whole week since she shopped for groceries, she changed her clothes, slipped by the backdoor, and headed to the nearest 24-hour convenience store and do anything that will keep her mind occupied and her loneliness at bay.

…….

Keeping awake was no problem, even in the deepest hour of the night. What was the problem was how to keep himself from freezing.

‘Damn it!’ James cursed aloud, and in the empty street, his words rang aloud.

At that hour of the night, James knew he should be in bed, all toasty and warm and dreaming.

Dreaming of who? A voice asked inside his head.

Who else?

‘I’m on my way…

With my roses and box full of sweets…’

He slapped himself too hard and regretted the action an instant later. Wincing, he rubbed his cheek, not that it helped, especially when doing so was comparable to rubbing a piece of frozen meat against yourself.

He berated himself for forgetting to wear gloves for the nth time.

But he knew the cold wasn’t the only reason why he felt freezing himself.

He heaved a deep breath, dragging the nippy air into his lungs and exhaled, watching his breath cloud up in front of him.

‘I had it all memorized the lines in my head…’

Composing himself, he whirled to the object next to him and began. ‘Look, Lily, I didn’t mean to—no, no, no!’ He irately combed through his hair.

He was able to say almost everything to Lily before, why can’t he apologize to her now? And then again, maybe it would be easier if he told the truth to her.

‘Look, Evans. I’m only apologizing because Moody says so and this changes nothing between the two of us, all right?’ he said to the lamp post in front of him, but then he felt that even the lamp post would damn him for eternity when he apologized like that, if one calls that an apology. He sounded like some motherf—.

Never mind.

True, Moody said that he should apologize to her ("For business reasons, of course. But it would be better if you’ll sound genuine about it."). Not only should but he must make amends if he is to do his duty properly.

But, really! Moody? It surprised him a bit when the old man spoke to him about her. It was just out of place with his usual actions. He was all pure business and barely touched—even annoyed—whenever the topic about any auror’s personal life worms in a conversation when James, or anyone, talks to him.

‘Thinking I’ll be winning you’re smile once again…’

But then again, maybe Moody was annoyed by the way he was acting so odd after the wedding dance.

Was he ever that transparent!

Sitting on the ice-laden bench in a huff, he began to feel guilty. The reasons?

1. He was apologizing, all right, but it wouldn’t be for the sake of apologizing to her.

2. In doing so, he’d be following orders but he’d be only using Lily.

3. Even if he told himself that he was genuine in apologizing, it would still be tainted with "duty-reasons."

4. He was a god-damned bastard to face Lily and apologize to her after what he did to her. (I made her cry, for the love of—! )

Listlessly, he faced the lamp post once more and pretended that it was her. ‘I really didn’t mean to say those things, you know. I guess I wasn’t thinking clearly that night. What I mean to say is… would you forgive me? Please?’

‘Do you mean it?’ the lamp post spoke up.

James took one step back, aghast at the sudden animation of the supposed to be inanimate thing.

‘James, umm… you’re stepping on my foot.’ It spoke up again, but this time, the voice came from behind him.

Turning around, his veins froze at what he saw.

‘Li-Lily! W-What are you doing here!’ he stuttered almost incoherently.

‘But when I saw you…’

A weird look crossed her face and, removing a glove, felt for his neck then spoke, ‘Are you feeling fine at all? Because I think you’re not. In case you’ve forgotten, I live in there,’ she pointed to the brick apartment exactly in front the both of them. A copper eyebrow quirked as she intently studied his reaction. ‘So?…’

‘Oh. Oh, yeah. I—I was just…umm…I just wanted to…ask you if Alice had anything to say about Frank. We haven’t seen him since the last few days in the office… ’ He blurted out but regretted it the instant the words reached his own ears, seeing a slight disappointment flash through her eyes.

‘ I realized how I am ashamed of myself…’

Lily forcefully propped up her usual, cheery smile but did nothing to stop the sharp throb in her chest. ‘At one-thirty in the morning?’ she asked mock-incredulously.

The unwelcome heat crept to his face. Stupid of him! ‘Well… it’s a bit important… all right! It’s not about that. Lily, I wanted to talk to you—about what happened.’ He managed to say, blinking hard at her from behind his glasses. Please say yes, please say yes, he pleaded silently.

She couldn’t do anything for a few moments but stare back at his slightly contorted face. Then she realized that his hands and neck were bare and showed signs of going bluish. ‘You’re freezing! How long have you been here outside, anyway?’ she removed her own scarf and wrapped it around his own neck that her warmth and her lingering fragrance from the piece of cloth assaulted his senses for several moments.

‘About a few hours, don’t really know.’ How could he know or even feel about something so petty as that when she was so close to him!

Without any word, she grabbed his larger hand in hers and tried to unlock the apartment door with the other hand, which was unfortunately laden with a paper bag too that doing it seemed a struggle.

Sensing her difficulty, he went to lift the hindering bag from her arm but in the act, had to reach around her.

Midway, they abruptly stopped their movements, suddenly aware of their awkward positions. It didn’t help when a scarlet flush flooded their cheeks.

‘My mouth has failed to say the things…

I just can’t express…’

Here they were, two grown adults, acting like adolescents on their first ever date. Moreover, they weren’t like that before that night. They acted like they didn’t hell care about whatever people thought of them because they knew that between two of them there was only friendship—or they thought the other thought like that.

But now, they weren’t so sure.

‘Afraid to say things I might regret…’

When she had managed to get over her inexplicable embarrassment, Lily assisted—although with difficulty because of his taller frame—James off his coat and ushered him to the sofa then lighting the fireplace simultaneously before disappearing into the kitchen.

Setting the paper bag down to the granite counter, she heaved a heavy breath. She shouldn’t feel so heady or ashamed, most especially around James. He was only James. Brushing her thoughts away, she sent water to boil with a wave of her wand as the bought gingerbread warmed in the oven. That way, she can collect herself and her thoughts.

‘Lily…’

She nearly dropped the china cups as she heard her name being called right behind her. He was close, that she knew.

The way her back stiffened didn’t make the situation better. James was confused if he was really welcome or she was just keeping up a tirade with him. Hesitantly, he asked. ‘Would you like me to help you with that?’

Mercy! He was much too close!

‘No, no. Please, no. It’s all right. I can manage.’ She replied quickly, too quickly to be friendly, and dismissing him with a nervous laugh and a few slight waving of her hand. She didn’t trust herself to face him. Only when she had heard his footsteps retreat back to the main room for a few good minutes that she allowed herself to follow.

She entered the room with a smile but it withered not too long after she had seen his guilt-ridden stare, boring hard at her, though he also had a weary smile on him.

Unfortunately, she possessed only one couch and no other chairs so she had no choice but to sit there too with him. Strategically placing herself on the opposite end, she uneasily sat down.

A pregnant silence reigned for a long while and the distance between them seemed to stretch for miles. Once or twice, they flashed nervous glances at each other but tried the best they could to feign interest to the fire.

The shrill whistling of the boiling kettle broke their silence, making them jump. From afar, he heard her making a small sound—was it a sigh or a cry of relief?—as she rose from her place to tend after the water. His thoughts darted whether or not to grab her while he was still able to do so since he realized that he won’t have the chance nor the guts to do it later.

In a burst of impulse, James shot out of his seat and started to reach for Lily, just as he would in catching the snitch. But his target now was far more unpredictable than the flying bugger was.

Turning at her heel, she started to ask James if he would like coffee or tea only to see him lurching towards her. Instinctively, she stepped backwards, well away from his grasp.

‘What the—!‘

James never had the chance to finish the phrase as his face smacked against the fortunately carpeted floor. But still, the combined force and pressure from him had very undesired results.

A dull crunch signaling a broken cartilage and eyeglasses, then a colorful string of expletives reached her ears, making Lily wince before having enough sense to see if he was still alive from his fall.

‘James! What do you think you’re doing! ’ She cried, horrified, rushing to aid the fallen man who was still sprawled on the floor.

‘Attempting a Wronski Feint,’ he tried to reply sarcastically, but his words came out sounding like: ‘Ngatemtingaownskiake.’

‘Tempting a what?’ Her frantic mind was to muddled at the sight of him in a less than his usual imperturbable façade that she no longer bothered to translate what he was trying to say to her. After she had wiped the blood off his broken nose did his words make sense.

‘What did you do that for!’ He cried, half-irritated and wholly mortified at his failure and his current state of dishevel.

‘Do what!’

‘I was trying to reach your hand, for God’s sake!’

‘How was I supposed to—’ her voice rose defensively but she stopped midway through her sentence. There they were again, just like the time years when they first met, quarrelling even if the previous spats were not yet resolved. She grew quiet, lowering her eyes to her lap.

‘What is there to do when I did something wrong…’

Noticing the sudden shift of atmosphere and her actions, he forgot about his still bleeding nose. He couldn’t see her face properly since his glasses were placed somewhere but he could sense her uncharacteristic reservation towards him. Then, the next thing he heard was that she was sniffling.

‘Didn’t mean to hurt you but it took so long…’

‘H—hey! I didn’t mean to do that, Lily! I was only kidding! Lily!’ He edged nearer her and touched her shoulder. She was shaking. ‘Lils…’ he muttered under his breath, remembering his pet name for her when they were in Hogwarts. ‘Come on. Stop crying. I can’t stand it when you’re doing that.’

But what he said only made her tremble harder. Trying his best to stop her shaking, he laid both his hands on her face. ‘Please stop, Lily… Stop!’ His tone sounded angry, but it wasn’t at her. His ire was for himself. Gently, like he would to a fragile object, he gathered her in his arms and cradled her. He couldn’t think of anything else to do.

‘Damn it, Lily…I’m sorry…’ he whispered, his voice almost afraid.

‘…to say I’m sorry… I’m sorry…

Say you won’t ever leave me down…

Say you won’t ever leave me down…

Say you won’t ever leave me down…

…I’m sorry.’

For some reason, James knew he should not be feeling so scared. He knew he should not have taken hold of Lily

For her sake and his.

And yet, when he felt her quiet down and give a little shiver, almost every shred of his logic and reasoning fled and hugged her tighter.

Damn the consequences.

……

At first he thought that it was just a part of his dream, a staccato muffled beating. But his senses told him otherwise. To his alarm, his door unlatched and he could sense a foreign presence walking towards him, lying on his bed.

Three steps more..

Two…

One.

In a fluid motion, he sprang from his bed, wand pointed at the direction of the intruder before his retinas could even adjust to the dim lighting of his bedroom.

‘STUPEFY!’ A red beam shot but his spell was too late as another beam hit him first and he was sent crashing hard towards the other part of the room.

‘Shit…’ he managed to speak but the cold end of a wand pressed to his forehead.

‘Still fast, Black. But not good enough.’ A voice spoke in the darkness and Sirius recognized the voice.

‘Bloody frigging hell, Moody. There’s no need to attack me like that!’ For god’s sake, Sirius thought irately, the old geezer frightened him half out of his wits coming inside his flat as sneaky as that.

‘Constant vigilance, boy. You didn’t even use half the potential of your instincts.’ The veteran clucked his tongue as he strode towards the nearest lamp and lit it.

Sirius seethed at the older man’s deprecating talk. Sometimes, Moody was so frank that he was insulting. Bottling up his irritation, he asked, ‘What brought you here in the middle of the night—‘

‘It’s already morning, Black. Quarter after four.’ He interrupted.

The muscle in his jaw twitched as he struggled not to strangle the other. ‘Fine! Whatever! Morning! What the hell are you doing! Do you mind!!!’ Sirius roared in horror as Alastor rummaged uncaringly through his already messy room.

‘Finding the last message Evans’ owl sent you.’ Was the muffled answer from under the bed.

‘I burn them after I’ve read them. Why?’

Moody emerged, his face long and haggard. ‘One of the few actions you seem to use your brain.’

‘Why you—!’

‘Alfred Kennings is dead. Evans’ owl was burnt along with that message and it seems that the Death Eaters know, or at the very least suspect, that something is going on. Edgar Maypole from the Ministry was found burnt to death. We’ve been too careless in playing with matters of great importance. Now, we don’t even know why Kennings was struck down in the first place. If the Death Eaters guess that the least person Kennings spoke to was you lady friend, I’m afraid to even think of the consequences that will befall on her.’

Sirius was taken aback by the onslaught of information that flooded his brain. ‘Frigging crap. You’re scaring me. No way. I won’t believe it. You’re kidding right?’

‘Do you think I’m kidding? I wish I were, but this is real.’ And the steel-edge to his voice told Sirius the same thing.

There was a faint popping sound from the corner of the room that made them turn. To their surprise, James—glasses in hand and nose bandaged—Apparated and was actually singing!

‘And the great James Potter scores!!! ‘Tis a victory for wizard-kind! Never had there been a more glorious day for celebration!!!’ Despite the fact that the other two men were looking at him in a horrified manner, James pranced about until he reached his best friend and animatedly began to talk about his night—although the words were too blurred to be heard right.

‘whatwhatWHAT???’ Sirius finally cried out in consternation to James.

‘I said Lily and I are fine again.’ He said in a manner one explains to a toddler, which caught on Sirius’ nerves.

‘Good,’ a cold and scathing voice interrupted him, ‘Because you are just about to break her apart again.’

For a moment, James was frozen in disbelief. It wasn’t Sirius who spoke. It was Moody.

‘Wha—What the bloody hell are you saying?’

‘I said,’ mimicking the hazel-eyed boy’s earlier statement, ‘you are just about to break her apart again.’

‘And for what bloody reason?’ It was now Sirius who burst out. For weeks end he had endured the sight of James suffering. And now, when he was again happy, Moody was wrecking the new-found joy.

Moody’s knife-like glance shot at him. ‘You know perfectly well the answer to that. Where you even listening to me earlier, Black? This is no time for games.’ He gave him a knowing look that said "if you don’t want James to know and get angry at you, don’t ask why" and cared to expound no further, lest he incite the wrath of James upon himself too.

James heard the cold exchange which boggled him more. He even noted the way Sirius turned at him and begin, with difficulty, to say the next sentence.

‘I..I can’t explain this..’

‘JUST TELL ME WHY I’M ABOUT TO HURT HER AGAIN!!!’ James outburst made the other wince, he noted, but he didn’t care. The whole business felt so wrong and it drove him up the wall.

‘I bloody can’t, James! You have no choice—’

‘Why can’t I have any choice!!! It’s like you’re playing with my damn life!!!’

Alastor spoke up. ‘Because if you don’t cut ties with Miss Evans, we’d have to eradicate her. She has been included with our business, a very important one at that. Your lady friend is next on the Death Eater’s list of heads to curse. Unless we do something about it, your loss would be much greater that before. And the first step to undo what had been done wrong is that you cut ties with her.’

James felt his legs weaken and sent him sitting on the wooden floor. ‘No…’ the word came out weakly.

‘I’m afraid it’s a yes, Potter.’ He continued but was still glaring at Sirius.

‘I can’t do it to her. Not to her.’

‘But you have to. Now, if you’d excuse me…’ Moody ended with a not of finality, signaling the end of the discussion.

Sirius left James’ side to catch up with Moody, who was preparing to Disapparate. ‘You can’t do this to him!’ he hissed.

‘What do you want to happen! See Evans’ dead? She has been a good acquaintance to me too but Potter here can’t do anything about it, all thanks to you and your foolish plan to include her in our business!’ Was the tart reply.

Seeing no way out in the situation, the young man let go of Moody’s cloak. Surprisingly, the latter turned at him once more and began to speak again.

‘There’s an upcoming Yule celebration in St. Mungo’s. Lily is bound to invite James then. If you want to redeem yourself, you can guess what James has to do by then and set it into action. If you want, I’ll alert Lupin and Pettigrew from the head quarters and you can discuss what you should do amongst yourselves.’

‘Thanks.’ Was all Sirius can say back before the old man disappear.

……

4. Chapter 4

A/N: There are a couple of things that changes since this was last seen and so it would be better if you started from the very beginning. This one came really fast. See what can plenty of time do to your fanfiction? Wish I had more time to do more chapters. Sad to say, I won’t be posting another chapter until the 36th review since I promised myself to be more attentive to my studies.

I weep to part with this fic but the parting is only momentary and though this chap be sappy and a tad bit confusing, I’ll try my best to make the next chap better. I am sooooo sorry if the achy part hasn’t come yet. For some reason, I felt compelled to stray from my original outline and write as LadyAkako suggested.

Merci again and again for those who reviewed! I would not have gotten this far without the readers’ reviews.

Meaning, if you want me to put up another chapter again, READ AND REVIEW!!!

You’ve seen what I written above! No chapter until the 36th review!!!! *** Gir laugh ***

(People strangle the author. Author dies.)

Chapter 4

‘Peter!’

The voice, melodious and sweet—Lily’s voice, he recognized—floated above the din of the crowd wandering aimlessly in Diagon Alley.

An uneasy smile crept into his face as the young woman approached him. He could easily see the way a few tendrils of her copper hair escape from a hurried braid, her emerald eyes brilliant and dancing with a soft light despite the grey day, her cheeks tainted with a natural blush—either from the cold…or for a reason…

He knew the reason. He wasn’t that blind to know.

James…

Lily finally caught up with the other and beamed a smile at him. ‘Hullo,’ she began amiably. ‘I was wondering, Peter, if you saw James this morning—‘

He couldn’t bring himself to listen to the words she was saying. Inside, he could feel the familiar throbbing of unrelenting pain as he heard her mention the other’s name. His hand, fisted inside his pocket, curled up tighter.

James. It was always James you thought about…

…nothing but a thieving son of a bitch!!!

He could vividly remember the day he first met Lily. In fact, of all the Marauders, he was the first one to meet him. Peter was not even a Marauder then. Only a sorry Gryffindor, with no friend and plenty of enemies, especially from Slytherins. Because he was such a loser, he was nobody, he had nothing. Unlike Sirius, who was a Black—which says it all: money, name, influence. Unlike Remus, whose disarming politeness, eloquence and good boy charm and mannerisms made him look like the perfect gentleman. Unlike Potter who had both, although in a slightly lower level, but made up with his exceptional skills, charisma and a certain force that magnetizes almost everyone that comes in contact with him.

But him? He was just a sorry nobody. No better than shit on the pavement.

And he believed himself to be that way, that’s why he craved for the approval of so many; to be popular, loved and idolized by all—like the three.

Then, one afternoon, he had been cornered by a few Slytherins. Suddenly, Lily came and confronted them. The details, he could never exactly recall. But what was important is that, she protected him and offered her friendship to him. Him! A nobody! She even knew his name!

That was why, from then on, Lily was his saviour, his angel, his goddess.

Then, probably seeing how he could use him to get closer to Lily AND appear like a compassionate hero, James took him into his circle of friends.

Although he never wanted to, he was desperate to have the popularity that being into his group brought. He needed recognition so that Lily could see him for what he really was. He played the part of the buffoon, the pawn, the weak one in the Marauders. He was that desperate. Until now, he was the butt of the jokes and the idiot. Even now, though outside Hogwarts, he kept on play-pretending.

Then, he watched everything he had built with his sufferings the moment he realized that Lily was besotted with James.

‘Peter?’

He gave a small jump as he came back to the present. Those verdant eyes were inquiring. ‘Are you all right? You seem out of it today.’

A nervous laughter came from him. ‘It’s the cold. I didn’t hear too much what you said. What was it again?’

‘I wanted to ask you if you could hand this to James as soon as possible. You could do that, couldn’t you?’ her light laughter was full of warmth. ‘What am I saying? Of course, you can. But could you please hand this to him. It’s a bit urgent.’

Her small hand brought out an envelope, the size of an invitation, and placed it on his hand. ‘I know I can count on you.’ She smiled and bid her goodbye before disappearing into the crowd once more.

A smile on his face lingered for a while but how his chest burnt when he glanced back to the letter at his hand. Opening it, he read the hasty note and was careful to remember the details written. Just as carefully, he slid the two pieces of parchment back into the envelope.

And, without hesitation, he ripped the invitation apart and let its torn pieces litter on the pavement before being scattered by the wind.

He felt his lips curve into a grin and began to trudge to meet with one of his companions. Maybe with Nott. He was not as high-headed as Malfoy or Snape or anyone of the other Death Eaters.

You stole Lily from me, James…

And you are going to pay for everything you did.

……

Once more, Remus was walking down these familiar corridors, the same path that he tread once as a young boy—no! Rather, make that a young werewolf. His grey eyes lit with the memory of his second but real home. The cold stone walls that echoed every sound. The impressive furnishings: talking tapestries, moving knights and everything else.

And this path was the most memorable at all.

Stopping his steps at a certain point, he took his time to glance around and survey if no one was looking at him. The gargoyle in front of him even seemed to have a lighter mood than he last saw it, he noticed.

Satisfied that no one, and nothing, was around or looking at him, he murmured: ‘Licorice Leeches.’

The stone figure grudgingly sprang to life and unblocked a stair passage.

Indeed, it had been sometime since he had seen the place—for reasons that he could spare no time dallying around. To keep himself alive, he had to work almost around the clock—work meaning a plethora of jobs, may it be normal, odd or extremely odd. All of them lasting at the maximum of three weeks (should have been a month but one week was subtracted since he didn’t work on the full moon week). No one wanted to him once they knew of his background that he was a werewolf although he managed to do things excellently on whatever work he did.

It was so unfair, this way of living. Others get to live a normal, well-to-do life while he could barely feed himself. Then the pain and prejudice he had to endure along sides that.

It was so unfair that he was a werewolf. But he had gotten used to it.

So now, he took pleasure on the simplest of things: like the prospect of seeing an old friend of theirs. A true friend, who had been the first to take him under his wing though he knew what Remus was.

Reaching for the knocker on the door, a gentle voice quipped from the other side that he could just enter.

The heavy wooden door swung open and he greeted the man inside with a bright smile.

‘Headmaster! It’s really wonderful to see you once more.’

Dumbledore cast a worried eye on the young werewolf. He smiled back at the fact that at least the boy still had his wonderful characteristics and warm smile. Others tended to change remarkably after exiting the institution. ‘You should have come long before, Remus. I haven’t heard from you for months.’ His voice reflected the apparent concern for the other.

Remus took the soft seat before the headmaster’s table. His eyes scanned the surrounding, he noted that nothing much had changed around the office and he was recognized smilingly by some of the past headmasters and headmistresses. ‘I know how caught up you can be with school matters, sir. I had no wish to bother you.’

‘How can you be a bother to me? You and the others are always welcome.’ He nodded indulgently, like someone’s benevolent grandfather would to a favourite grandson. ‘In fact, I had been waiting for your visit. I have heard from Alastor just the other day what miscalculated event had taken place. Is Lily taking things lightly, or James, for that matter?’ he inquired at him.

At hearing this, he was suddenly taken aback by his hesitation. ‘I..I don’t know exactly the details, sir. Lily… she doesn’t know about the whole thing.’ For the uncounted time, he felt the guilt that made his stomach churn, regretting bitterly at how lightly he and Sirius had taken the businesses in the Order.

How he wished that things had not turned out as it had!

‘Remus?’ the old man’s voice interrupted his thoughts, sensing the shift of emotion flitting through Lupin’s face.

‘Ah…Yes, I do believe she has no understanding of the importance of Alfred’s death.’ He avoided the probing blue gaze of Dumbledore, fearing all of the sudden that the trust that had been given to him would be reversed due to his lack of foresight and sheer irresponsibility.

Tiredly, Dumbledore rubbed at his silvery beard. ‘But have you realized why have we been tailing Kennings at the first place?’

A tilting of the head confirmed his suspicions before he could continue.

‘I had posted Alfred in Dublin to keep an eye on the activities there. He was a very good man and auror, such a grievous loss for the Order. Over the past months, he had been reporting to that place more often than usual.’

At the momentary pause, Lupin took his chance and spoke up. ‘I’m sorry to interrupt, sir, but Ireland had a very few records of activities from eleven months before up to now. I cannot understand. If Kennings did note a rise in the dark practices there, why weren’t there any written reports?’

The old man glanced sharply at him; and for a few seconds, Remus felt a shadow passing over them.

‘Voldemort has many eyes, in and out the ministry and within almost every institution that he thinks to be valuable… even if it was inside the Order of the Phoenix.’

The once warm blue eyes gleamed coldly as he said the next statement.

‘Our defenses have been breached and someone is watching us…from inside.’

……

He HAD to hurt her.

Again.

James kept his gaze on the miniature photograph of Lily he was holding, its edges bent, torn and yellowing. But the main picture was still clear.

It was his first picture of her, taken during the All Hallows’ Eve of their sixth year. As a project in their Muggle Studies, every house was to play any wizard-related literary piece made by a muggle named Shakespeare. Hufflepuff got "The Tempest", Ravenclaw had "Cymbeline", while Slytherin gave "A Midsummer’s Night Dream" a shot (and boy! was the sight of Snape in a fairy costume certainly something to remember!) and they opted for Macbeth.

Whoever that Shakespeare was, James wished at that time that he is in Hell for writing those pieces because the man made HIS life into a living hell for several weeks. Cast for the role of the main role, it was he who had the greatest number of lines and how he HATED those grueling weeks when he had to memorize all of it! Damn Macbeth! Damn Shakespeare! Damn Muggle Studies! and most especially, damn Professor Whittington!!!

Then, the one who was supposed to play Lady Macbeth was confined in the hospital wing for a week and was replaced by Lily, the ultra-conservative, monkish and overly bookish goody-two-shoes of a Prefect! James thought before that time that she probably thought too highly of herself and above him when she cut off his advances (can you blame him when he noticed that she was beautiful too although she was an intolerable prude?).

*** (interruption) ***

There were strange sounds emanating from the cubicle where Lily confined herself. Strange sounds that were like a cat sneezing up a hairball.

But in fact, she was really sneezing. Not only once or twice but a severe sneezing fit that lasted for several minutes nonstop.

When finally she ceased her sneezing, Lily drew one big breath of relief. ‘I thought I was dying of asthma back there!’ she muttered to herself.

A concerned voice from outside asked: ‘Lily, you sure you don’t want to take something for that cold of yours? You sound really sick!’

‘No, thank you. I’m fine, really. I don’t have colds.’ she replied hoarsely over the door.

‘If you say so…’

Still rubbing at her breathless chest, she thought of her sneezing fit and wondering whether or not someone was casting a curse on her or had she suddenly inhaled an irritant.

And then she reflected inwardly, ‘Or maybe, someone had been thinking of me…hmm.. who can that be?’

*** (back to the chapter) ***

But, surprise, surprise! One afternoon, after rehearsals, he was genuinely surprised when Lily asked him to help her with her lines!

And, it was the first step that brought them two together.

The picture was taken the evening before the final performance and both of them had been practicing in front of the silvery light of the moon in the Astronomy tower where both of them usually went to rehearse, since it was only there that they wouldn’t be so bothered.

In the photograph, Lily’s sixteen year old image in cotton pajamas stuck her tongue out at him before flashing a mischievous grin and going back to reading her lines, once in a while losing her guard and she would be caught smiling wistfully at the starry knight… and then, at him.

She probably didn’t know that he was keeping at up to this time but he had always kept it, carried it everywhere with him—probably to remind him that it was for Lily’s sake he became an auror in the first place, and later, joined the Order.

A slight knocking at his door made him jump from his seat before he hastily shoved the image under several sheaves of papers on his table.

Remus’ head peered inside and he flashed an apologetic smile, but James could sense a heavy feeling from his wan face.

‘Hey, Prongs, can I talk to you for a moment?’ Even his voice sounded a bit different, like he was afraid of something.

‘Why not?’ James answered while he poured the werewolf a cup of tea from a nearby teapot. ‘Something’s up, I guess. So, what’s the matter?’ he inquired.

‘I know it is not my business sticking my nose in your business,’ he started. ‘But I wanted to ask if you’re all right? I mean, about what Moody wanted you to do… I spoke to Dumbledore yesterday, and, I’m sorry, mate. Lily had been close to you, that’s why you might have regrets for what you have to do. But there’s something really wrong going on.’

‘There’s no need to be sorry, Moony. I’m an auror, remember?’ James plastered a grin on himself. ‘I can handle this. If it’s for work, I’ll do it.’

‘You don’t sound so sure yourself.’ Remus frankly pointed out, a frown knitting his brow.

For a moment, James felt cold causing his hand to trip his own hand at his cup of tea and spilling half of its contents. Of course, Remus was a werewolf, he reminded himself. There was always no sense in lying at him. But if he cant convince other people, how can he even convince himself?

‘I said all right. Geez, you all are acting like hens about that. Look, Remus. Lily’s only a girl! She may overreact at first when I break the news at her but I’m sure she’d understand. And besides, nothing serious is going on between us.’ He said offhandedly, waving his hand in the air in a nonchalant manner.

Remus suddenly stood from his seat, surprising James. ‘I thought you’d be less of a pig than that.’ He said, his tone throwing daggers at him.

James wanted to retort ‘But you gave me no choice to do it in another way!’ But Remus won’t understand him. So he pursed his mouth in a tight line and did nothing to respond.

He started to walk towards the door again but stopped when he was a hairbreadth away. ‘But even if you said those words, I know you…you…’ Remus couldn’t find his voice to continue the broken sentence.

‘Just don’t hurt her too much, all right? Please. She doesn’t know a thing yet. She doesn’t deserve to be hurt. Not like this way…’

The door shut quickly behind Remus that it barred him from getting a glimpse of his friend after he walked out. Strange that Lupin said that. It was like he was going somewhere.

The flow of his thoughts were again disturbed when he felt something cold creeping down his arm and it was only then that he remembered that he spilled his tea earlier.

Muttering a curse, he mopped the liquid with a rag. Almost half of his table was wet.

The picture!

He tossed the paper from his desk and searched frantically, hoping that the tea had not yet reached it

But it had. And the image was totally blurred. And something inside him ached, feeling a sort of loss.

First, Lily. And now, even my memories of her. What’s going on!

……

Because of the impending storm, judging from the bleak clouds, the public square was had but one person in it. Everyone else were keeping on the move, afraid that the flurry of snow might catch up on them. Already, an innumerable count of the intricate crystals danced in the slight breeze.

There were only pigeons whose colours reflected those of the sky’s: steel grey, light grey or speckled. Mindless of the cold, they strutted as if they owned the plot, pecking now and then if a scrap of food was to be found.

Remus sat morosely at the edge of the stone fountain in the midst of the park, his hand listless and throwing pinches of the loaf of bread he had with him. His eyes blank but at contrast with the train of thoughts flowing undisturbed within him.

"Our defenses have been breached and someone is watching us…from inside."

"Have you guessed who?"

A shake of the head.

"But there is no one from within us that will betray us! Is there?"

"I am not the one to say that…"

A pause.

"As of now, Remus, you are one of our most inconspicuous members. You are not seen as really near to me, like the faculty of this institution. You are not an open fighter against of Voldemort, like Kennings or anyone within the Order who works for the ministry especially the aurors—and that includes Black and Potter …"

"…That is why I’m sending you to Dublin tomorrow to find what you can on what he was doing there, who was he tailing or what was that that he saw."

"But, sir—"

"You possess such an immense but unfortunately unacknowledged skill and genius. And I believe in you."

In a flurry of feathers that blocked his vision for some moments, another’s presence was heralded.

Her scent was recognized by his heightened senses and he smiled. ‘Nice weather.’

‘If you like snow.’ Lily returned the gesture and plopped down beside him. ‘This spot is freezing!’ she shouted.

‘I know.’

‘So why are you still sitting there?’

‘Just waiting.’ He shrugged but continued staring far away.

‘Waiting for what?’

‘You.’

‘Oh.’

Lily’s eyes rounded, debating inside herself whether or not she’d believe in what he said. But she didn’t mutter a word in opposition. Instead, she took a piece from the loaf and began to feed the docile birds too.

‘Nice seeing you again.’

‘It’s been a while seen I had a chance to talk to you, Remus.’

‘How’s work?’

‘All right, I guess. You?’

‘…’

One pigeon plucked up its courage to perch at Lily’s hand where she had a big piece of bread. While eating, it allowed itself to be subjected to the woman’s gentle petting. Lily smiled at it and shooed it away after the piece was gone so that she can feed the other birds too.

Sighing, she broke the silence that was there. ‘You’re going away, aren’t you?’

His dark head finally turned her way and now she saw his translucent eyes. There were no need for words to affirm her question. It was written in his glance.

‘Where?’

‘Ireland.’

‘Have you told anyone besides me?’

‘I have no one to tell.’

This took her back for a moment. ‘What about James and the others?’

‘They shouldn’t know.’ His brow lowered slightly, the way it did before when he was talking seriously, Lily remembered.

‘Had a spat with one of them?’

A corner of his lips curved up in a wry smile. ‘Nearly, but not that. More like business…you know…’

‘I don’t.’ She pouted at him.

For the first time that day, he laughed for real. ‘Maybe you do.’ He pointed out enigmatically. ‘You just don’t realize it.’

‘You’re being mysterious.’

‘Am I?’

‘After I realized you’re something else, you weren’t so secretive.’ She thought aloud, staring at the two birds fighting over a bit of bread. ‘Maybe it’s the weather. Maybe it’s because everyone’s being so mysterious nowadays. Maybe it’s the news about the bad things being widespread.’ She wanted to go on about the Snuffles-man thing that bothered her but decided not to tell. It was supposed to be a secret, she reminded herself. So she quickly continued, ‘But whatever’s happening, I feel so depressed. And it’s Christmas Eve tomorrow! I’m supposed to be happy.’ She groaned and theatrically placed her gloved hands to her face.

‘Don’t be. If I know rightly, there’s that Christmas party at the hospital , right? Go and get busy to take your mind of your misery.’ Then he paused. ‘I assume you’re inviting James?’

Behind her gloves, her cheeks brightened visibly, which the other saw—eliciting from a him a sigh. Lily perked her head up when she heard the heavy breath. But before she could ask what was that about, he spoke up.

‘Here.’ And Remus dug up something from the deep pockets of his trench coat. His hand emerged with a brown parcel wrapped and tied plainly but painstakingly neat. ‘It’s a bit advance, I know. But I’m not staying here until the holidays.’ He caught the disappointed expression on her face. ‘Don’t be sad. I hate it when I see you sad, and more so when I’m the cause of that.’ He pointed at her face.

‘I didn’t mean to be ungrateful. In fact, I’m really happy about your gift. I’m sad because I don’t have anything to give to you…yet.’

‘You don’t have to.’ He brushed her statement and offered a comforting pat. ‘I’d be happy when I see you happy.’

She positively brightened up after that. Curiously, she tuned the gift round and round.

‘Open it.’ He nudged her.

In seconds, the wrappings were gone and there was a box. Opening it, Lily saw a purely black, tear-shaped stone hanging from a thin chain of a silvery material. Surprisingly, although it had the appearance of silver, it did not have the weight nor solidity, for that matter. The moment she lifted it from its box, the chain seemed to slip through her fingers that she quickly cupped it in her hands so that it wouldn’t entirely be lost. It was icy to the touch.

‘Wha—‘

Sensing her loss of words, he tapped the gift with his wand and, whatever it was, it regained a chain form and wrapped around her neck when the end touched Lily’s neck.

‘Dwarves are really nice thi—err, people, once you get to know them and be really nice to them too. And when they make something, they always surpass our narrow-minded expectations…’ He ended whimsically, eyeing the craft appreciatively.

Her gaze was fascinated and locked at the necklace, which shimmered and moved like a rivulet of liquid silver on her neck. The amulet didn’t look like tied nor hooked at the watery fob. It went through it though no hole was there. Her fingers skimmed the flat surface and felt a certain pattern of engraving on it.

Remus had outdone himself.

She felt her throat lock. Shame that she didn’t have anything to give to him. She didn’t even feel worthy of the gift.

‘I—I can’t.’ she murmured.

‘Meaning you’re rejecting what I gave to you?’ His left eyebrow rose but in a friendly manner. ‘I gave it to you, Lily. It’s yours.’

‘But why? This is probably expensive and I know you don’t have that much—‘

‘Do me a favor, Lily. Don’t think about how I managed to lay my hands on that or something running at the same line.’ He glanced once more at a distance, as if sensing something.

Abruptly, he rose from his stone seat and brushed the crumbs from his lap. ‘I have to go now. Happy Christmas.’

‘Wait! I mean—thank you… I don’t know how I can get even with you. I don’t feel that right when I haven’t been any use to you at all.’

He stooped down and ruffled her bonnet. ‘You were the first one who accepted me as I was asides Dumbledore. And you were also the one who put up with my "periods" and mood swings—‘

‘That was also because you put up with mine.’ She quipped, making him laugh.

‘And… I’m not sure when I’m coming back.’ He admitted, his face growing serious all of a sudden and a wave of panic surged within Lily.

‘Where and why are you really going away?’

‘I told you the answers already. I was not lying.’ Straightening up, he beamed the brightest smile that he could muster that moment., which made her a bit teary.

In an impulse, she hugged him fiercely, squeezing the breath out of him. ‘Wish you could’ve stayed at least for Christmas. Wish you always stayed near us. With the full moon only days away… you sure you’d be all right?’

‘I’ll be staying away from people when my time comes.’ He assured her.

Remembering something, Lily began to rummage in her bag and produced a torn and yellowing page of a book crammed with little scribbles of her handwriting, a whisky flask and a very fat pouch. All of it, she forcibly shoved to him.

‘I almost forgot, so stupid of me!’ she muttered. ‘I found some time to go and research something in our library and found that.’ She pointed at the torn page. ‘It’s an old potion. I wrote down a few alterations to the original recipe since I thought it was a bit unstable.’ She explained sheepishly.

The young man was examining the flask carefully before opening it. He quickly closed it as soon as the scent dispersed and reached to his nose, trying his best not to offend Lily by putting on a smiling face though the smell was nearly enough to cause him an allergic reaction.

‘What?’ She pouted once more when she caught his weird expression. ‘Oh… I forgot. You’re supposed to be put off by the aconite in that thing. But I thought I had already lessened the odour…’ she trailed off thoughtfully.

Wolfsbane! ‘It’s just me, I’m sure.’ He said, hiding his sudden dread of using the potion—should it prove to be too strong, and therefore fatal, for him. But he quickly shook the feeling away, since he trusted Lily enough to think that she wouldn’t be so careless as to miscalculate the odds. ‘And what’s this?’

‘A spare set of ingredients for the potion in case what I made had already ran out and you can’t immediately get your hands on what you need or if there isn’t any at all. There’s also powdered willow ash to kill the pain. And a couple of sedative herbs too, if you need them.’ Her manner of talking made her sound like a mother. When she had piped down, she said quietly. ‘I know that this isn’t really enough to help you during your period…but I hope it would ease things a bit for you.’

It was his turn to envelope her in a hug. ‘This is more than enough.’ Putting the things carefully in his own bag, he patted her and started to walk away.

Lily lifted her eyes to the rapidly darkening sky and tried her best not to be sad.

‘And Lily?’ he spoke, almost inaudibly, from a distance.

‘Yes?’

‘Take care of yourself.’

The birds all took to the sky and when they were gone, he was also gone too.

It was only then that she realized the snowfall had ceased but replaced by a thick, white fog, a fact she had ignored while talking to the werewolf.

And she was all alone in that darkening place.

For some time—she wasn’t sure of the real length of the minutes that had passed—Lily lingered there, her hand touching the dwarves’ necklace—unaware of the fact that she may be on the verge of hypothermia. But still she sat there, unsure of what do to next, shivering more and more.

A gentle warmth spread throughout her whole body. She looked up and saw James, draping his own overcoat over her, his face marked with concern unhidden.

‘He’ll be back, Lily. Remus is made of stronger stuff than you think.’ He murmured, hoisting the weak-kneed girl to a standing position.

Bending her head more, she let loose a quick tear, hoping that it would go unnoticed. To her horror, it fell on his (again) bare hand.

In his pity, James gingerly carried her in his two arms and pressed her head against him and spoke, ‘It’s all right. You can cry if you want. It will only hurt you more if you keep everything to yourself.’

A small whimper came from her before falling unconscious, as a toll from all the inner turmoil and exhaustion she had gone through in the past few days.

……

In a hidden street somewhere in Dublin was a wooden door unlike a lot of the modern wooden doors one can see everywhere. This was different; really old, judging from its deep earthy colour and signs of wear and tear on its surface. Above it and a few rows of age-worn stone walling was a crooked sign saying "Nessie’s Nest" with a primeval depiction of the famed local creature.

As usual at that time of the night, the sound of clinking of silver to china and glass to glass and other sounds of eating, drinking and good old merrymaking filled the air and came from every single one in the pub.

But a man, sitting solitary in the most dimly-lit corner, had not partaken with any of it. Every now and then, someone or something cajoled him to join them but he politely shook his head.

‘Who’s ‘e?’ one or two friendly leprechauns asked the rotund bartender-slash-tavern keeper, their pointy hats swinging to his direction. ‘’e ain’ singin’ or eatin’. Only sulking in his own world and looking aroun’ ‘im.’

‘’E’s just a newcomer. He ain’ botherin’ anybody an’ he asked to be alone so go yer own way.’ He shrugged and returned to serving the other customers.

Finally, the man signaled for the tavern keeper and gave his order.

‘Steak and potatoes, please, done very rare. Do you have any firewhisky or something a bit strong to drink?’ he spoke, keeping his voice only barely heard.

‘Firewhisky, you say? Blimey! Those ‘un down there already guzzled every drop of what I had left!’ The keeper apologized, pointing at the now dancing leprechauns to the singing of a kelpie.

‘It’s fine. I never liked whisky much, anyway.’ He laughed, somewhat self-deprecatingly. ‘What have you got left?’

‘A bit strong, eh? The ale’s a bit too old, not in the best taste. I’d say you won’t like it much. We got some really old mead from the north, couple o’ decades or so.’

He began to nod when another man, heavily cloaked for the frigid weather, plopped wearily down the seat beside him and began to interrupt.

‘I’ll have whatever’s the house specialty for tonight and the mead too. I’ll take the charge of both orders.’ The new one suddenly dictated the surprised keeper, who very wisely said nothing and left quickly rather than stick his nose in their business.

The newer man was removing his thick mantle when the other spoke up. ‘Shouldn’t have taken my order, Padfoot. I have my money.’

Sirius shot him an incredulous look. ‘Oi! I’m the one here who’s being real nice and all. And besides, you pay for breakfast tomorrow.’

A pair of grey eyes rolled but he smiled nonetheless. ‘So, you’re staying here? Why?’

Being unable to unclasp the fastening to his mantle, Sirius looked at him straight in the eye. ‘In case you’ve forgotten, Moony, I was part of the grand plan. Naturally, when Dumbledore realized you planned to go solo here, I was told to trail after you as a form of punishment. Anyway, nice move you did down there.’ He commented offhandedly.

‘What move?’

‘Move to put them together. You know, the gift, then goodbye then allowing James to see both of you so that had seethe in envy and then she fainting in his arms.’ He narrated in a nursery story-telling manner.

‘So it worked?’

‘Yeah. Bet by the time we come back to London, he’s going to wring your neck for pulling that stunt on Lily.’

‘That wasn’t a stunt, dummy. That was real. I was just hoping that somehow James would see what happened and would react, but it was only wishful thinking.’ Lupin shot back at him.

But Sirius only raised a disbelieving eyebrow. ‘And the gift? That was a real dwarves’ necklace, I can tell.’

For a moment, Sirius thought he saw Remus blush but, when he looked again, there was none. So he dismissed it as only a product of his imagination.

‘It was only a gift.’ He replied and began to eat the food set down before him by the congenial bartender.

‘Gift-shmift. Yeah, right.’ The other mumbled over his mead and took a sip of the strange brew.

‘Padfoot,’

‘What!’ He shot back rather crossly.

‘Thanks for coming here.’ The werewolf murmured. ‘And go to Hell.’

Sirius smiled behind his mug and the two of them proceeded to eat their late dinners in silence.

……

The moment Lily opened her eyes, even though just a bit, she knew she was sick. Really sick.

Everything around her seemed to swirl and her head and chest throbbed like hell. Moaning, she tossed and turned for a cooler place on the bed but found none. But, when a wet towel was placed on her skin, she was shocked and recoiled from its cold.

But a firm hand that wasn’t hers stayed her head until all of it was wiped. But when she felt her arm being subjected to the sponge bath, she found her voice to object.

‘It’s going to be fine, Lily.’ Someone spoke to her, gentle but firm.

Hearing the warm voice, she grew limp once more and let the bath proceed. The long, slow movement of the gentle hand was comforting that she was nodding off once more.

The next time she opened her eyes, Lily bolted upright too fast that it made her nauseous. Slapping her clammy hand on her face and feeling the burning heat of her forehead only did the details of what happened before come back to her. It was still night.

A sponge bath and someone saying that everything would be fine.

Screwing her eyes open, she saw that the bed she was lying on was different from the one she had on her flat: this had a linen bedcover in plain white and smelled faintly of the dry-cleaners. Everything was different, now that she thought of it. From the ceiling and walls, to the furnishings. Everything!

Finally, she took a look at the clothes she had on, if she still had one. Peeking under the covers, she felt her pulse race when she found out she only had her underwear on.

Now, her anxiety had grown into a full-blown panic attack.

Fortunately, she didn’t feel see or feel any bruise in her body (except for the fact that her muscles were really sore). Nor did she feel violated.

Despite the fact that she was still sick, she gathered the thick quilt blanket that covered her and wrapped it around her body. Moving quietly, she sneaked out of the thankfully open bedroom door. Still, her stealth wasn’t enough. A small cry escaped her when she tripped and fell on what looked like a man-sized cocoon that was fortunately soft.

But the "cocoon" let out a muffled curse and the next thing Lily knew was that she was pinned under it and there was a wand point blanc beneath her chin.

And James’ hazel eyes were staring incredulously back at her.

He let forth another curse and said, ‘Bloody hell, I almost killed you, Lily. DON’T. DO. THAT. AGAIN.’ His voice was shaky as he spoke. Inwardly he was beating himself up and shuddered involuntarily at thinking what might have happened if he recognized her too late.

Me and my reflexes, he thought irately. He was going to blow his cover if this continued any longer.

‘Do you mind getting off me, please?’ she spoke in a small voice. At least now, she knew who owned the bedroom she was staying in and was comforted but by the realization that it was James who took care of her. But the fact that he stripped her of almost every thing except her lace underwear made her anguish in silence and colour her cheeks into a scarlet red.

Blushing furiously, James let her sit properly before coming at his senses to ignore the fact that a moment ago, she was half-naked and lying below him.

STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT!!!!!!!!!!!!! She’s Lily and you must not think lewd thought about her!!!

But it was only when she slapped him across the cheek did his thoughts plummet back to earth.

‘What!’ he cried indignantly, rubbing his now sore cheek.

Her mid raced for anything. Truthfully, she didn’t know why she really did that. ‘You undressed me!’ she cried in the same tone.

‘It was because you were sick!’ he pointed out, matter-of-factly.

‘But you could’ve just brought me back to St. Mungo’s or at my flat. I’m a Healer, you know, and I could take care of myself!’ she answered back, but she couldn’t understand the reason why she was acting that way to James.

For some reason, he felt as if she was saying that he couldn’t even look after her. ‘Look, Lily Evans. I saw you sitting and nearly frozen to death on that fountain the yesterday night—‘

‘waitaminute! What do you mean yesterday night? It’s still evening and—‘

‘—And you have been asleep for twenty-something hours straight.’ He heaved a heavy breath and lowered his irrationally high voice. ‘Look. I’m sorry if I surprised you by taking you to my flat without you knowing, if that’s why you’re angry with me. But rather than letting that fever of yours get the best of you, I thought that…’

‘I thought that I can take care of you. I mean, I can take care of you as well as any fully-trained Healer in your hospital.’ he finally admitted, surprising even himself that he said that to her.

The guilt made the lump on her throat rise and her eyes well-up once more.

Feeling her forehead, he broke into a smile. ‘Well, at least you aren’t as bas as you were this morning. Wicked hell, you made me worry back then too.’

To his wonder, her own hand reached to hold his and said in a broken voice, ‘You worried about me?’

Looking at her eyes, he said quickly: ‘Why shouldn’t I be.? I mean, you’re not so insignificant to me as you think you are. I mean… oh hell.’ He stopped, not knowing how to continue anymore.

‘Besides… with Remus going away, I thought that maybe you’d need someone’s company so as not to be lonely. I don’t want to see you sad because you didn’t have someone to be with you. And you also said you were a bit down this Christmas, so… here I am. I mean, here you are.’ He rambled a bit confusedly.

‘Did you receive the invitation for the party today that I gave through Peter?’ she suddenly asked.

‘Umm… what party?’

Finally, her face lit up in a smile, rather weak and a bit wobbly but it was a smile. ‘Never mind.’ She shook her head, much to James’ confusion.

Kneeling down on all fours, she crawled to where he was sitting on the floor. Then, very lightly she planted a small kiss to where she slapped him a little while ago. Then, hugging him as well as she could with the quilt and his blanket encumbering the embrace, she whispered ‘Happy Christmas.’ All of a sudden, she felt a small pressure on a chin and realized he was cupping the side of her face. Very carefully, he laid his lips on hers and kissed her.

Somewhere, a bell rang faintly, signaling the arrival of Christmas day.

…

A/N: All right. So that was a bit sappy but there is a reason why that was sappy and I shall elaborate on that by the next chapter—which, may I remind you, won’t be posted until the thirty-sixth review. So, DON’T JUST TURN YOU EYES AWAY AND ACT AS IF YOU DON’T CARE! READ AND REVIEW! THERE ARE ENOUGH APATHETIC PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD, PERHAPS TOO MUCH. DON’T BE ONE OF THEM!

Press the button that has the word review and make a little author’s day less depressing.

This way, please. Thank you.

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5. Chapter 5

A/N: It took some time since I first uploaded the last chapter. If I remember rightly, it was about December 2 of 2005. And I got a bit of the blues and couldn’t write well-enough which is the reason why this whole thing was again moving slowly like molasses. Anyway, my thanks to the wonderfully thoughtful readers who are kind enough to cheer me on with my fic. No thanks are enough for them.

The song near the bottom is Sarah McLachlan’s "Do What You Have To Do"

And with that done, the show must go on…

Chapter 5

He finally kissed her.

An action driven by the most basic instinct. He found himself feeling as if he was at the edge of the earth and he was falling down, down, down. But he didn’t care. Her lips were soft, silken and very fragile: a budding rose that seared his senses. It was almost sacrilegious to crush them against his own, but then again, he couldn’t turn back.

Lily gasped at his sudden move. But as she opened of her mouth, he tasted her. And it drove him beyond his own control. Moving his body out of the way, he pinned her under him and started to trail kisses down the gentle slope of her neck before coming back to her lips once more; his dark tresses shockingly stark against her pallid complexion and his hand skimming under the covers for her soft, warm, yielding flesh.

It was the most natural thing for James to do. Lily crawled up to him and put her arms around him. It was only a very normal for a healthy young man to feel what he felt the moment her cheek touched the skin on his neck and her mouth to brush against his ear.

Desire.

He burnt for her. Burnt for her so much that it was inconceivable how come he was only able to bring his lips to hers and not forced her to lie down and—

Something warm slid down his cheek. Or was it really his cheek? Then, a sound: an almost inaudible cry from the girl.

Lily was crying.

Very abruptly, he pulled himself from her; his heart was hammering too fast and too loud and there was this all too physical pain in his groin. He had been waiting for a chance like this at the very first moment that he saw her.

He shouldn’t. He must not do that. It would complicate things further.

Her emerald eyes, so wide and fathomless, were shining with silent tears, searching his face, his eyes. He stared back at them, airing an unsaid question. But he couldn’t meet them for too long. She was too pure and innocent.

He could not endanger her life just because of his own wanting.

There was no need to extract himself from her arms since he had held them down when he changed their position. So, he lifted himself from her and sat, his back in front of her. But, even so, he could hear her small sobs that stabbed him.

Muttering he rose from the carpeted floor and tried to face her and brush off what had happened; holding his palms against face that was burning with shame and bare of the glasses that usually framed them.

He felt vulnerable, impulsive, uncontrollable. And he shouldn’t be. An auror should never be those three things.

Yet, he wanted—he needed Lily so much that it frightened him.

……

The snow’s furious drizzling had not ceased for a minute since Remus and Lily had their conversation by the fountain. Their tracks and their scent had dissipated because of the frozen air that enveloped everything.

A shadow approached the spot where the girl was a full day and a couple of minutes more before. Raising a fine-boned nose, the man took a whiff of the air and grinned a grin that seemed too studded with too many gleaming, razor-sharp teeth. With his heavy boots crunching in the newly-fallen snow, he muttered foully under his breath.

‘That fucker of a Wormtail. If he wasn’t in the lord’s favor, I’d be ripping his head off.’ He spat against the ice and mumbled again. ‘Slimy motherfucker. A girl, eh?’ He sniffed the air once more for confirmation. ‘A fine, delicate woman.’

He took one step and a squelch came from under his foot. Picking whatever the cause of the sound was, the heavy-built man straightened up with a soiled but clearly feminine handkerchief. He took in its scent and turned his head in a manner of a dog sniffing for its food.

Slowly, the man took of his hood, looking around for signs of being watched before producing a well-worn wand. He leaned towards the fountain and traced an invisible path before tapping where the girl sat before thrice.

Finishing this, he straightened himself and Disapparated in the darkness.

……

Just beside him, Lily was shaking, both from the cold and fear.

The reason for fear? Fear for James? No! She had trusted James with almost everything. Then, what was that fear that held her back from him? She didn’t know. But it had driven him away. If there would be another chance like that, she wasn’t sure.

Her pulse returned to its normal beating but both the cold and the chest pain increased. Whether it was because of her fever or what had happened, the answer was blurred.

And the next thing she realized that she was being racked by coughs in violent spasms that she couldn’t contain, her lungs contracting and expanding in an alarming pace that she was now gasping for breath. She did not even have enough air to call for James.

Her feverish mind raced, gathering what calm she had left and listen to her Healer instincts. But a gripping force held tighter and tighter with each passing moment her throat and the lack of oxygen was squeezing her very brain. Her own eyes had screwed shut in her agony.

She was only slightly conscious that James had carried her to the bedroom and tried as he could to counter whatever was attacking her. With his wand, he drew marks that left a burning trail at its wake. Only when this was finished that Lily stopped writhing and settled down on the twisted sheets of his bed.

‘Please…James…’ she started to speak, albeit with difficulty. But she fell unconscious before she could finish what she wanted to say.

……

Tap-taptaptap-tap

At the slight knocking at his door, James suddenly sat pole-straight on the beside chair as the nerve-racking silence was broken. But his initial reaction was assuaged when it dawned at him that the knocking did have a pattern.

Glancing at the now deeply-breathing Lily, he assured himself that she would be perfectly safe in his room. After this, he hurried outside the room and towards the front door.

‘I’m glad you came.’ He muttered gravely to an unseen being as he opened it and shut it just as quickly before locking it with his wand.

There was a faint rustle and then an invisibility cloak fell upon the feet of a woman with an astonishing features and body of a 40’s pin-up girl complete with platinum blonde hair and sultry-sleepy blue eyes. But the stereotype character did not apply to Marlene McKinnon with her wand in one hand and a cold business stance that implicated that she was the exact opposite of what she looked like.

‘Evans’ here?’ She asked in a clipped manner, apparently pissed off by something.

James almost winced at her tone but just rolled his eyes and nodded.

‘You shouldn’t have done that.’ She snapped at him. ‘Taking her carelessly under your wing without any precautions taken—‘

‘But, Marlene! I told you already that she’s sick—‘

‘She’s being cursed.’ The older woman interjected. ‘You know that as much as I do and bringing her into your flat won’t make any difference than bringing her to her own place because you haven’t even bothered to proof this place.’ She stomped around the small living room as if looking for something. Not seeing what she wanted to see, she exclaimed ‘You haven’t even warded your sanctum!’

‘I’ve sealed my bedroom where Lily is.’ He objected heatedly. Seeing the woman stride to the bedroom, he almost violently grabbed the other auror’s hand.

‘I CAN PROTECT LILY!’ James shouted at her before he even realized what he was doing, forgetting who he was talking to.

‘Yes, you can but if and only if there would be a frontal assault and with a maximum of three attackers—no, make that two, since you’d be hindered with the idea of protecting the girl and not just your own neck!’ She huffed noisily before letting her temper cool off, then stalked to where the kitchen was.

Messing his own hair, James mumbled his apology to his partner and breathed heavily. ‘You and your brutal practicality.’ He said, rubbing his weary eyes.

‘You and your foolish romanticism.’ She countered him and, fetching the pot of brewing coffee, poured the steaming liquid into their mugs. ‘Imagine! You’d risk exposing your sanctum to a non-auror—‘

‘She’s Lily.’ He pointed out to her and reached out for his drink.

‘—but she still is a non-auror—then you’re beginning to talk like some love-sick pup even though the odds are obviously against you.’ She ended with her finger pointing at him now.

‘Blah, blah, blah.’ James childishly stuck his tongue at her before flashing a tired smile.

Eyebrows quirking at the gesture, she said, ‘Don’t blah-blah me, boy. You know it’s true.’

‘Aha! She’s pissed off.’

‘Good of you to notice.’ She set her mug down a bit too heavily to emphasize her mood. ‘You’re in hot water with the boss if he learns about this.’

‘But he won’t since you’d be helping me cover this up.’

Marlene sniffed high-handedly, ‘Ha! Fat chance, boy.’

‘Then, why did you come here?’

‘BECAUSE,’ she stressed at him, ‘I wanted you to come down from your 7th Heaven and remind you of your mission.’

‘Which is?’ he frowned at the reminder.

‘Get whatever available information from her.’

He messed his hair again irritably. ‘I can’t!’

Her blue eyes widened at the declaration and he knew that he should not have said those words. ‘Oi! Listen, James.’ She hissed at him. ‘Don’t let me hear you say "I can’t" because you’re not supposed to say those words. You can force her to say what you want to hear, you just don’t want to because you’re afraid she’ll find out that you’re using her.’

Moving closer to him, her ire was tangible enough to kill him. ‘We are Aurors. We were trained to separate ourselves from the world other than our own. We do what we must: we kill, we lie, we fake passion and love and every emotion we can muster just to accomplish our responsibility which is our primary and only priority.’

‘It was unfortunate for Lily Evans to be included in our business but we can’t do anything about what is done. Now that she’s a part of our world, she is not different from those who you have, and still will, manipulate in order for the greater good. Have you forgotten that?’

James strayed his gaze towards the direction of his bedroom before speaking. ‘What must I do? Marlene, I don’t want to lose her.’ He said, his voice was defeated. He swilled the remaining contents of his coffee before drinking the whole thing. ‘But what choices do I have?’

‘Well… One is that you could keep her ignorant about everything until both of you die, which will happen sooner or later…’

James groaned aloud at hearing the pessimistic remark.

‘Two, keep her but erase her memories and hide yourselves where the sun doesn’t shine because even the Order will kill you for doing so. Or three, numb yourself from love, get every information from her, erase her memories and only then we can accept her in the infirmary as an invalid, finish this whole goddamned thing and weep then say bye-bye for you lost love.’ She finished grandly.

‘Ha ha.’ He sardonically retorted.

‘I am serious, James. If you still want to get out of this thing alive, do the third one. It’s going to hurt her, it’s going to hurt you but it’s there’s no other way to do it.’ She explained, giving him a dark look.

‘No other way, huh?’ he muttered under his breath.

‘Yup. No other way.’ she parroted and finished her own coffee.

All of the sudden, the living room glowed green, as if a warning, and the woman darted from her chair, spilling in her haste the coffee pot. A voice called a few moments later from the oddly coloured fire. She muttered something about the department brashness with using the Floo network. ‘Sheesh, if Dumbledore was here, he’d kill those guys.’ She cursed under her breath.

‘Marlene?’ It was a woman’s voice who beckoned.

‘Dorcas! What the hell where you thinking about using the Floo network!’ McKinnon exasperatedly cried.

‘Don’t be such a paranoid. I’ve checked the pathways already. McGonnagal wants to see you here, now.’ The voice insisted.

‘You never give me a moment’s peace.’ Marlene complained. Summoning her invisibility cloak, she prepared to step into the emerald flames.

‘Wait, ‘Lene!’ James called after her as he twirled his wand in a cleaning spell on the mess. ‘Tell me something. Are you hiding something from me?’

‘I have no time for this.’ She hissed at him.

‘I want to know if you’re thinking the way I do. Is Lily one of them? Tell me the truth! I cannot understand everyone in the Order—even you—is so suspicious towards her.’ he demanded.

At this, Marlene looked back at him, who all of a sudden looked so confused and hurt. ‘I wasn’t supposed to say this to you… I’m sorry, James. You were supposed to find that out yourself. We cannot understand either.’

……

Brushing the stray snowflakes from his shabby coat, Sirius entered Nessie’s Nest with a heavy sigh, thankful that the pub was snuggly warm inside.

The innkeeper stood behind the wooden counter, cleaning the last of the pints with a giant dishcloth. Seeing the young man stride to him shivering, he whisked a new pint of mulled wine in front of Sirius. ‘Ere. Tha’ should keep ye’ warm enuf.’

Muttering his thanks, Sirius in wallowed the hot drink, eyes glittering with the fire from the hearth. ‘Is it always this bloody cold in here? I swear it wasn’t like this the last time I was here during winter.’ He complained when he finally spoke up.

‘Yer right. It’s usually not this freezin’, ye’ know. I’ve been thinking tha’ someone’s been meddlin’ in some things they shouldna’ have been meddlin’ in, if ye’ get what I’m tryin’ ta say .’ The other agreed, with a sudden glance at the darkest corner of the room, where two well-dressed men huddled over pieces of paper and casting nervous glances once in a while to different directions, as if wary of something.

‘Who are they?’ asked Sirius, now suddenly aware of the funny movements of the pair.

‘Certainly na’ from ‘ere. Didna’ see ‘em before. They’ve been ‘ere for a couple of days or so. Funny thing is, tha’s all they’ve been doin’ since they arrived in here, mutterin’ and sulkin’. An’ they’ve been mutterin’ about things like people an’ stuff. An’ I can tell coz’ I’ve been servin’ ‘ere for my whole life an’ I don’ like how they act an’ sound.’

The younger wizard looked at the speaker as the latter gave a suppressed shudder that shook his usually jovial jowls. But the fat inn keeper shrugged his well-rounded shoulders to his rosy face. ‘Nah. Forget wha’ I ju’ said to ye’. It’s jus’ somethin’ I’ve been thinkin’ abou’, ye’ know.

Sirius shot his eyebrows upward and pretended to be nonchalant about what the man said and finished his wine. Deftly, he allowed the shiny surface of pint reflect on the direction of the two men.

They were staring at him too.

Pretending to yawn, he said his goodnight to the friendly innkeeper and paid for his drink, dinner and lodging for him and Remus alongside a generous tip too. Feigning a happy tiredness, he went for the room he and his friend shared just as a hunched figure entered the heavy doors of the pub.

Opening the door with his password, he entered the modest room. Inside, Remus was curled in a fetal position on one of the beds, breathing deeply.

‘They know we’re in here, mate.’ Sirius spoke in the dark room.

‘I know.’ Remus answered, apparently fully awake even before the other came into the room. ‘I can smell the burnt skin on them. Voldemort is calling to them. Dumbledore was right in his hunch. They’re here. I was supposed to tell you that earlier but they were watching me too closely.’

‘We should leave.’ The other announced and quietly strode to where his bag was.

The werewolf rose cautiously and the moonlight from the window lit his face. It was wan and pinched, as if in pain.

‘Remus—‘ Sirius began to say but noticed Lupin’s look and hurried to his side. ‘That shouldn’t be. The full moon is a whole week away.’

‘No. It’s not the me.’ He countered the other’s worry. ‘It’s something else.’

Sirius shot him a frown, inquiring for details.

The glassy eyes of Remus went to the view outside. ‘It’s Lily. Something is about to happen to her. Or is happening to her.’

‘Lily.’ Sirius whispered half in surprise, half in bewilderment for how the young man could’ve known. ‘What’s happening to her?’ he demanded.

‘I don’t know for sure.’

‘But, Prongs is there to look after her, isn’t he?’ He asked aloud, as if to assure himself.

‘I just hope so.’ The pained werewolf shut his eyes, praying that the James watched over her.

……

It didn’t matter even if she tried to focus her eyes on something. Now that she was awake, Lily’s world was wobbling. Needless to say, she feared she may be delirious. No, make that she really is delirious. And she couldn’t even remember a thing

A warm hand strayed to her face and traced it slowly.

‘James?’ she called out weakly, though her eyes were shut, as if to ward off the delirium that enveloped her being.

James heard her and drew nearer to her that his breath brushed against her. Bloody hell! She was like ice! Briskly, he rubbed her two hands together in his own after saying a quick warming charm.

‘I’m here.’ He reassured him and he was rewarded by the tiniest of smiles from the sick girl.

‘I feel so cold.’ Under his hands, Lily was trembling violently.

James eyes cast a glance to the fireplace, roaring in full blast, and the wards that he hung on all four bedposts. He attempted to rise from her side to check on the fire again when she moaned.

She managed to unscrew her eyes and fix them on the worried face of the young man. ‘Please don’t leave me alone.’

‘I’d be back soon. I promise. I’m not going anywhere far.’ He curved his lips to a slight smile for her but she only protested and her eyes were glittering oddly with fever and disquiet.

He hesitated for a moment, halfway to standing up, but he eased himself softly down to her side one more. ‘All right, I won’t go.’

‘I’m scared, James.’ She admitted with difficulty. ‘They’re watching me.’

They? Hiding the abrupt thought, he asked her but his voice betrayed him. ‘Who?’

Under his fingers, her hands tensed with his question as Lily was seized with the memory that she should never tell anyone. And the girl hesitated.

What are you hiding from me? Sensing her anxiety, he tried to soothe her with the calmest tone he could muster that moment. ‘It’s fine, Lily. You can tell me.’ When she was still unyielding, he bent and kissed her forehead.

‘I…I…’ She wanted to say no but a part of her did not want to.

‘Lily…’ His hazel eyes faced her own with a look that tried to reach out to her own soul. He was but a hair width away from hers; all of a sudden he felt at a loss and the fire that he felt before overwhelmed him again.

"What ravages of spirit conjured this tempestuous rage?"

He settled a kiss on her lips and tried as he could to be gentle with her, his hands he strained to stay holding her hands. Yet for a heartbeat, he suddenly stopped when Marlene’s words echoed somewhere in his mind.

"Created you a monster, broken by the rules of love…"

"..we fake passion and love and every emotion we can muster just to accomplish our responsibility…"

"And fate has led you through it. You do what you have to do…"

Am I doing the same thing to her? James couldn’t help himself but ask the same questions again in his mind, withdrawing himself and lean face to face on Lily, trying to weigh everything in an instant. Despite the frigid temperature of her fingers, her breath was feverish and mingled with his own.

‘I don’t know anymore what to do, Lily…’ His defeated voice penetrated the fog that Lily’s consciousness was wrapped in.

"And fate has led you through it. You do what you have to do..."

She peeked under her eyelids and saw his expression, as if in a great struggle, though she had no idea why he was like that. But, gently, she eased her fingers from his hold and smoothed the hair that had gone astray on his brow; looking at him, both confused and worried, and found out that he was in the same state of quandary. Her arms found their way around him and she held James as close to her heart as she could.

"And I have the sense to recognize that I don’t know how to let you go…"

At the circle of her embrace, he shut his eyes and his own voice in his head, neglecting everything but the fact that Lily was there.

"Every moment marked with apparitions of your soul."

"I’m ever swiftly moving, trying to escape this desire…"

So as the girl would not be crushed under his weight, he cautiously changed their positions and so as they were lying at their sides. James threaded a hand through the silky, wine-coloured strands of her hair and nudged her nearer to him.

"The yearning to be near you. I do what I have to do…"

"The yearning to be near you. I do what I have to do…"

He could hear her breath deepening with every moment that has passed, marking the slipping of her wakefulness once more.

"But I have the sense to recognize"

"That I don’t know how to let you go…"

"I don’t know how to let you go…"

Odd how she was rapidly making improvement only a few moments after he lay by her side. He had to stand up, prepare food for both of them, do other things. As he eased her arms from him, his hand passed in one of his and she slid her fingers in between his before holding it tight.

Her voice, drowsy and muffled, came faintly. ‘I trust you…’

"A glowing ember, burning hot, burning slow."

"Deep within, I’m shaken by the violence"

"Of existing for only you…"

He froze in his movements, unsure if he would believe what she said or dismiss it as a figment of his imagination.

Trust.

He bit his lip and reached for his wand as an invisible shard wormed inwards. Hell! How could she still trust him after all he had done to her? And what he will do to her still. His chest tightened unbearably as he aimed the rod at her.

"I know I can’t be with you."

"I do what I have to do…"

‘D—dormus.’ His voice broke at the command and the girl’s form went limp with the effects of the spell.

"And I have sense to recognize"

"But I don’t know how to let you go…"

She was asleep now, diving in the darkness of a dreamless land, unaware of James—wand forgotten in his hand—crying in racked sobs.

"I don’t know how to let you go…"

Again and again, he whispering for forgiveness to Lily who wouldn’t even hear a word. He needed to protect her, if that was the last thing that he’d do before his own heartbreak killed him.

"I don’t know how to let you go."

A/N: Suffer, James! Suffer!!!! ***evil laugh*** Hem, hem. Sorry about that. But don’t you like to see male protagonists cry for a change? (James in the background: Why are you always picking on poor ol’ me? ) (Author: Shut up, James or I’ll make Lily leave you.) (James: *grumble* You’re such a meanie!)

Aheem. Where was I? Oh , yes. If you still want this thing to go on, be good boys and girls and cheer up a lonely writer. All you have to do is press the Review key down there and the world would be …ahh…still go on. If you won’t, then there would be no more 6th chapter! Hur hur hur!!! >.<

6. Chapter 6

A/N: Trouble with being a student, its hard to keep things up. But that would not be my reason for why this part took so long. Fine, I’m a procrastinator but this one wasn’t a product of my own laziness. I lacked the melancholy to write this stuff. But, now, I’m back! Yey! >.<

Pardon for the lateness but I wanted this to be perfect for once. The song below is "Might as Well" by Keane (Weeee!!!!). It would be best if you listened to it.

Chapter 6

With just a quick flick of his moistened tongue across the surface of his teeth, the taste and of blood—his blood—assailed the cavities of his mouth and nose. Remus had the urge to bite himself more to get another taste of blood, but he steeled himself as much as he could with his weary strength and lost a beat in his steps.

Sirius quickly nudged him up and resumed their normal pace so as not to look odd although no one was looking at them in the almost deserted streets. A thin film of a fog obscured definite outlines but, just to be sure, he did so.

The two were successful in leaving Nessie’s Nest undetected, or so they hoped. A quick glance at one of the clocks they had passed told them it was a bit after four in the morning.

Remus halted, clutching his sides and sat down on the sidewalk. ‘I feel it…I’m changing…’

His dark-haired companion scanned the sky for the moon but saw that it was obscured by the clouds. It was then that he became deeply bothered. ‘No you’re not, mate. You’re just sick.’

Remus wanted to smile at the other’s tone but only winced by the pain in his ribcage. He inserted his hand beneath his clothing and beneath his hands, the very bones shifted shape and squeezed his innards, sending him sprawling on the street, spewing blood from his mouth.

‘Bloody Hell!’ Was the only thing Sirius could say as he approached to help Remus sit up again. ‘You can’t do this to me, Remus. You still have six days to go’

But he violently swiped at Sirius. ‘Back off!’ He hissed and vomited again. Frantically, he felt his pockets for his wand. Using this, he reached into his shirt and forcefully yanked something in it from himself. Then he crumpled again on the street, exhausted from his own struggle.

Sirius rushed to pick up his friend’s wand and saw something silvery wrapped around it and a black pendant swinging at its end. ‘Wait a minute,’ he stared at it, trying to speak. ‘This is Lily’s! How did you—?’

Remus picked himself up and trudged where Sirius was squatting. ‘It’s the other piece. One is a ward; the other, a charm. I gave Lily the ward so I could track down where she is and what is happening to her. The charm receives the whatever percentage of the spell crawls into the circle of the ward and inflicts those upon the wearer.’ He winced at every step and still held to his morphed ribcage. ‘Someone has been trying to weaken her. It seems that James had warded her securely enough that the full blow is now transferring on me instead.’

‘So that’s why you’ve been transforming prematurely.’ Sirius gave him an appraising look. ‘I had the gist that you were into those things all along.’ He commented and handed the wand to its owner.

‘What things?’ He muttered irately at Sirius’ weird look. He gave himself the time to breath before wearing the necklace again.

‘Sadomasochism.’ Sirius gave an all-knowing grin before the other snarled at him, apparently not having the mood to fool around.

‘Shut up, Padfoot and help me walk.’ He muttered, leaning heavily on the other’s more well-built frame. ‘At least I’m trying to help.’

‘Precisely. So why are you acting so defensive about your secret side?’ Sirius snickered and began half-dragging the other.

‘If you won’t shut up about that ridiculous theory of me, I’ll bite you.’ Remus warned menacingly.

‘Oh, the sadistic side is showing again.’

‘Shut up.’

Remus wanted to laugh just for the sake of lightening the heavy atmosphere that hung upon their heads as the two of them awkwardly attempted to walk as fast as they could. Sirius, despite the irritating gibes, was only trying to do what he could. But in his eyes was the fear of the many things that could go wrong and end up with sending someone to an untimely grave.

Then, for the second time in ten minutes, Remus stopped cold in his tracks once more. Only that he wasn’t showing any signs of pain…

…but that of dread.

‘What?’ Sirius asked again to his companion but Remus could only fumble inside his shirt and feel the charm on his neck.

‘Lily…I…I can’t feel her anymore.’

……

It was a fairytale like any fairytale that has been told before.

Once upon a time there was a boy named James who went to school with other children his age.

Here, he met a girl, Lily, who he thought was the one meant for him.

She seemed to hate him, but the boy persevered and she learned to love him.

Winning her heart, both of them were happy. Though they were young, the boy was planning already to be with the girl for the rest of is life.

And then, something both of them didn’t expect happened.

The fairytale ended.

…

It was weird, almost terrifying to find yourself waking up in a place you don’t know, with the people around you complete strangers, and every one of them staring at you with piercing gazes.

So was Lily’s shock when her brain finally registered, as she awoke form a dreamless slumber, that she was somewhere she didn’t know , in the center of a circle of people that she did not recognize.

‘She’s awake. Finally.’ One muttered from behind her.

Lily wanted to move but found her whole body immobilized on the uncomfortable wooden chair she was sitting on. Her feet were seemingly tied down by invisible weights. Same thing with her hands. With her eyes blinded by a fierce spotlight above her, she could only faintly make out the faces of the strangers. Beyond the borders of the circle was a murky darkness.

‘Would you please help me?’ She tried to ask, but her plea only elicited snickers from the nearly invisible people.

‘We would help you, yes, if you answer our questions. Truthfully. No secrets are allowed within this room.’ Someone answered.

‘We’ll know if you’re lying.’ Another voice said.

‘And if you do, the consequences will be painful. Very painful.’ Yet another threatened.

By now, Lily was panicking, doing the best as she could to go against the unseen bonds that were pulling her down.

‘There is no use trying to do that, Lily. No use at all.’ A woman’s voice smoothly interrupted her panicked mind.

‘What is the meaning of this!’ the girl demanded to know, settling on her chair once more, defeated.

One made a clicking sound. ‘Tsk, tsk. She appears not to know.’ The statement was pitying but the voice implied otherwise, followed by sardonic laughter that filled Lily’s ears.

She felt humiliated, stripped of her dignity inside of the circle. Much to her chagrin, tears were slipping on her cheeks.

‘Oooh. What a sight! The girl is crying! Look what you’ve all done. You made her cry.’ Someone spoke again.

‘IdontknowidontknowidontknowIDONTKNOW!!!’ Lily screamed at them and a hush fell like a soft mist. She was sobbing now.

What has she gotten herself into?

She found herself able to move her hands and feet. Her hands flew to her face and she went on murmuring that she didn’t know anything. Maybe this was a nightmare and she’d wake up, find herself once more in James’ bedroom with him by the bed side still and everything would be fine.

But everything was all too real to be a nightmare.

‘Leave us.’

It wasn’t a request but a command. The voice was icy and no one uttered a loud protest, only murmurs and the shuffling of feet. Lily’s knees shook as she heard the words and lifted her face up.

Heels thudded heavily towards her and then he was there before her.

‘James!’ she could only cry out in immense relief. ‘I’m so glad you’re here,’ she whispered and reached out for a hand to find some comfort.

But there was none.

"I don’t know your face no more…"

Instead, the young man opened his free hand and hit her cheek, the sharp slapping sound reverberated in the dark empty space around them.

James hit her. Hard and unrelenting.

"Or feel the touch that I adore…"

Her body and thinking reeled from the impact, almost lifting her physically from where she sat. But that was nothing to what was that she felt within her own soul, filling slowly with ambivalence and pure anguish.

"I don’t know your face no more…"

She couldn’t cry though her eyes were seared by the force of the tears that threatened them, nor speak a word, as the bitter bile from her stomach attempted to claw their way up. She felt sicker than the moment before in the midst of humiliation. It was James before her now, or was it?

"It’s just a place I’m looking for…"

Green orbs locked into his own, framed by glasses that shone coldly against the light above them: asking, pleading for any answer that filled her mind. Every feature that the man before her possessed was so alike to James, she felt that it was some other person. He wasn’t the James that she knew.

It wasn’t the James that she loved.

"We might as well be strangers in another town…"

Lily opened her mouth to speak, but only one word came through the constricted pathway.

‘Why?’

An empty, frozen, humorless laugh.

"We might as well be living in a different world…"

‘Why?’ He returned. ‘You’re asking me why, Lily?

He took a stride nearer to her and kneeled on one knee. A gesture that reminded her of one scene some time ago—a seemingly separate reality than what she was in now. A scene where he was asking her if she was all right, trying to comfort her, telling her that she had drunk too much champagne, teasing her with a smile on that face, making her smile and sharing an intimate dance a moment later in the Longbottom’s wedding reception.

"We might as well…we might as well…we might as well…"

But now, his eyes were narrowed, bereft of any emotion but a scathing disgust. His fingers dug into her cheeks and made her stare at him forcefully that it made her grimace in the sudden pain.

Her weak frame writhed helplessly beneath his leaden grip and dark gaze. She gave a small cry but it was muffled by his hold. Her eyes shone not with fear now; instead, with an unrelenting question for his unmerciful actions.

"I don’t know your thoughts these days…"

‘You lied to me, Lily. Tricked me and kept from me the things that I should have known. If it weren’t for you, my business would’ve gone one smoothly.’ He accusingly shot at her and removed his hand from her face, revolted at her.

‘I didn’t do anything, Ja—’ she tried to protest but he spat out at her, as if she was the most despicable creature.

‘DON’T say my name as if I was one of your lovers that you think you can pull by the neck. I am not your "James".’ he drawled bitterly on his name. ‘I am not one of those that you think that you can twist around your little finger.’

"We’re strangers in an empty space…"

‘It’s not like that…’ she lifted her face at him, her anguish pronounced yet not a single tear left her.

Lily’s mind was numbed all throughout not because of the physical pain but the ravaging of his words; everything that he said was like murder, swimming freely in her veins, leaving fire and ice in its wake.

Yet, she was innocent. She knew she never did anything.

Or did she?

With a hand too weak and trembling, she reached up to him. Yet touching him felt not unlike that of caressing a statue of stone.

"I don’t understand your heart…"

The image of her lost and drowning in her own tears was already too much for James, much more so when her hand found him and asked in the once singing voice but now quivering and choking.

"It’s easier to be apart…"

‘I—I trusted you, didn’t I?’

‘Stop it.’ He commanded with an unrecognizable malice, but she only increased her voice.

‘I…loved you James…’

‘Stop it!’ He took hold of her shoulders and started to shake her, an empty, weeping rag doll in his hands.

‘You did too… ’

‘YOU’RE NOTHING TO ME, DO YOU HEAR! NOTHING!!!’ His voice sounded so raw as he spitted the words out, so far and foreign from him—at the brink of breaking. His lips edged closer to her ear, leaving an invisible burn on her cheek; with words crawling out of him like venom, whispered,

"We might as well be strangers in another town…"

‘Everything had just been a game of play-pretend, Lily. I never did love you.’

James allowed himself to look at her eyes directly and saw his own murder that killed the light in her eyes which always shone with…

…with trust… and love…shining for him and only for him…

"We might as well be living in another time…"

STOP THIS!!! His own voice was screaming and beating down on him, pleading him …

Why now did she have to say those words, that he had so long wanted to hear? Why now when he was hurting her?

There was a clatter that echoed in the frozen space that surrounded them both. Lily was sprawling on the floor, chair upturned. Her shoulders showed a rapidly deepening mark where his fingers had dug into the alabaster flesh.

"We might as well…we might as well…we might as well be strangers…"

He had thrown her in a violent reflex. She hadn’t bothered moving to cushion the fall with her arm. From her forehead, a rivulet of blood had snaked its way on her shut lids and dropped below her head onto the ground. There wasn’t any motion from her.

"For all I know of you now…"

He made a small movement, as if to approach her, then took a step back, and another, until he had fled, chased by his own demons, towards the barrier that contained the darkness and stumbled blindly out in a hallway.

"For all I know."

A small patter of feet except for the one in front of him entered the interrogation room and returned just as quickly.

Someone spoke in clipped tones above him, giving out instructions. Not long after they were the only two people in the corridor and the feet shuffled to face his bent and broken figure.

‘It was your duty—your responsibility to all wizardkind. Stand up, auror.’

When James made no movement, the voice commanded again, ‘I said stand up, auror!’.

A hand hoisted him by the collar to the wall, and then he saw Marlene’s face contorted in the way as to contain her own tears. She moved her mouth so as to say something to him but apparently changed her mind and let him go.

‘You will be sufficiently compensated, of course.’ She tattled as if everything that had happened was nothing, but her eyes, she hid from James burning glare. ‘I myself will ask my superiors to give you a promotion, at the very least—‘

‘Shut up.’ His words were quietly said but Marlene whirled around at him and asked him to repeat them.

‘I SAID SHUT UP! I DON’T WANT TO HEAR ANYTHING FROM YOU!’ he raged at her and hurled the thing that he grabbed first towards her.

She proved agile enough to avoid the porcelain vase and it broke into a thousand brittle slivers as it met the wall. The echoes of the cracks dissolved once more into silence, and then Marlene said to him.

‘You’re pathetic, James.’

Her tones seethed with her sudden hatred for him. ‘How easy regret comes to you. You and Lily are not the only people that have been wrecked because of this whole business. If you were not prepared for such sacrifices, you should not have been an auror in the first place. Or placed yourself within the order.’

Her heels ground the wooden floors as she turn to leave him. ‘We have been given a new assignment. Our dealings with this business are already finished. The others are already taking care of everything. Briefing for the reassignment will be the first thing in the morning. I will be expecting you there.’

Her footsteps faded. Somehow, James had walked himself to his own office. Upon entering, he leaned heavily against the door and slid down to the carpeted floor, the leaden weight inside him bearing him down.

‘Lily…’ he murmured to the emptiness before him and he let his own oblivion shut him down.

……

Never had Sirius felt the pain of hunger this intense before. Neither had he passed a whole span of twelve hours without a morsel of food or a drop of water pass passing in his mouth.

For the nth time, he looked at his weary companion—weakening with each passing moment.

Remus felt Sirius stare at him and threw a smile. The pain returned not long after its disappearance, perhaps half an hour or so. Yet it wasn’t the same choking pain but a dull, heavy throb inside him that had impossibly sapped him of any energy to restrain his won transformation. Now, even a shard of moonlight can trigger a full transformation—and that bothered him a lot, since he could not risk transforming with Sirius around and the present circumstances. He knew how much damage he can cause, and how much attention it would get from the others. And no one knows if it could neutralize the charm on his neck.

‘I need food, Padfoot…’ he began weakly.

‘Ditto,’ Sirius beamed that at least Remus was responding now. ‘But you are not taking a chunk out of me. Go eat a Deatheater for a change, Moony, and be of use to me. I’ve been hauling you from one alley to another and, believe me, you are not light.’

The teasing banter was heartening but not enough to relieve the gravity of the situation. ‘Can you go somewhere to get food for us?’ Remus asked.

‘And leave you here to transform? Ha! I wasn’t born yesterday, Moony.’

Remus realized Sirius’ true worries and forced himself to stand. He could hear the hunger from the other’s stomach.

‘Oi! Where do you think you’re going?’ Sirius shot at him, as the other trudged towards the main street.

‘Where else? A pub, an inn , a tavern, could be anywhere as long as there is food.’ He remained adamant in his pursuit to walk alone.

Sirius rushed to his side and resumed his supporting position, again dragging the other. ‘Have you gone daft, Moony? The reason why we are here in this bloody cold is because we don’t want to be bludgeoned up by any goddamned Deatheater!’

‘Well, I’m taking my chances and eat at that pub.’ Remus jabbed his index finger at the nearest edifice. ‘Let them come. I’m just too bloody hungry. Starving ourselves to death won’t help us accomplish anything, either.’

Sirius shook his head in a suppressed laughter.

‘What!’ Lupin’s voice rose uncharacteristically.

Sirius erupted into loud guffaws that grated into the other man’s nerves. ‘I never thought,’ he sniffled in his mirth before continuing, ‘that I’d live to see the day that I would see you bend your unprecedented feats of logic for something so irrational and primal such as hunger. Or curse.’

Remus gave him a look that would’ve turned milk rancid. ‘Humor me, Padfoot.’ He retorted.

‘Ah! Me! It must be the end of the world.’ Sirius’ hand flew up to his forehead and made a theatrical gesture of panic and dismay.

‘Ha. Ha. Ha.’ The werewolf dryly replied and persisted on walking to the pub but stopped at the sound of someone speaking behind them, though it may not have been a voice for it was like the sound of the grinding of gravel.

‘The shadow is defied at the night forever, three grievances yet sharpens the fangs the former, the stone is the snake that strikes before the winter.’

Remus was first to see the speaker as it approached them. What appeared to be a bundle of scarves of a multitude of colors was actually a person; owlish eyes peering hazily at them behind windshield glasses. The length of the hair that escaped the clothing made it clear to him that the person was a she.

‘I’m sorry, ma’am but can you please repeat whatever you said?’ Remus politely inquired of the unusual stranger but his voice could not disguise the dread that had swamped him—the words neither making any sense to him yet his guts inside him told otherwise.

The woman hiccuped in reply and emitted a high-pitched giggling that was so unlike the voice that they heard before.

‘I said what?’ she answered with yet another question, more to herself than to him. ‘Oh, dear, oh, dear. I did it again, I suppose.’ She hiccuped again and giggled more.

The frosty air carried the rancid traces of cheap booze from her. Despite that, Remus wanted to demand her to repeat whatever she said to them.

Sirius felt Lupin stir but he restrained him before regarding the woman for one more minute then announced to the werewolf, tugging him in an urgent manner. ‘Merlin’s beard…’

‘What?’ Remus whispered back, seeing the light of recognition in his eyes.

‘She’s so bloody drunk.’

Remus threw him a glare and took pains to approach the woman. At a close proximity, there was no doubt that what Sirius said was true, no matter how inappropriate of him to say so.

‘Um, ma’am? What was that you said about a shadow defied?’ He ventured to ask her again.

‘I did it again!’ she whooped in her inner delight, much to the consternation of Remus. ‘I am a seer! Tra la la…’ she pranced in the middle of the street.

Sirius made a sound half amused, half disgusted. ‘You’re wasting your time, Moony. She might be just pulling you leg. Come on. There are a lot of people like that.’ He tried to drag the werewolf once more but the woman caught up with them and shook the latter’s free hand.

‘Sybil Trelawney at your service, young masters. Prophetess, seer and—‘ another hiccup, ‘tea maker in one package!’ She pumped Remus’ hand so hard that he almost thought it would come off, especially in his present condition.

Now, it was Sirius who stared at the other with sudden recognition. ‘Trelawney, you say?’

The woman began to gesture trances at them but then breaking into a fit of drunken laughter.

‘I thought you didn’t believe in what she said.’

Sirius stared intently at the woman now. ‘I’m not so sure anymore. I remember the name. One of those pureblood lines, seers the lot of them. My mum had one of them once in our house when Regalus was about to be born and asked for a prophecy.’ His voice showed a hint of bitterness for a second then disappeared.

Remus shifted once more and faced her. ‘If you would be so kind, we would like to avail of your services, madame.’ Seeing the skeptic look on her intoxicated face, he added, ‘We would pay whatever you would demand.’

At this, she clapped her hands and wobbled in front of them. ‘To the pub, then!’

Sirius rolled his eyes heavenward and muttered something about the insanity had pushed Remus to do a deal with a drunken woman. He pushed him aside again.

‘What?’

Sirius muttered curses under his breath and said, ‘This is madness. We don’t even know if we could trust her. And we have very little money to spend. And how do you think can a frigging drunken seer help us!’

Remus caught wind of his words and said, ‘If we could make her repeat what she said before or make a new one, it’s better than groping blindly in the dark for any answers which questions we do not even know.’

The other only scowled and reluctantly followed the newcomer that had already let herself in the tavern.

……

While she was asleep, she was able to dream. While she was asleep, she could tell to herself that she didn’t hurt anymore. The sleep that enfolded her had also anaesthetized the pain. While she was asleep, she could lie to herself that everything was all right.

But then she awoke.

Lily’s first impulse was to retch. The bile filled her mouth, scorching its way outside her. She fell down from where she was lying and jarred her weakened frame. Insides clenching, she emptied every content of her innards at a metal bedpan on the floor, throwing up as if she could tear her soul from her body and let it out to free herself.

A second, a minute, an eternity passed by and Lily could only crouch, defeated, on the floor, unable to support the stone weight of her chest. The once vivid green orbs of her eyes were murky pools that stared at nothingness; of the light that resided in them before, none was to be seen.

There was no pain, no grief, no tears but only the gaping vacuum—the opium-numb absence of everything and herself.

Her eye spied a glass of water on the table near the bed—yes, it was a bed that she had been lying on before—and something shifted inside her; the voice once inside her dreams had persisted upon her consciousness.

Whatever happened to her was just a nightmare. It was nothing but another lie, yet she would lie herself to death until the farce becomes a reality for her. The gravity of the numbness continuously pulled at her bones to crush her lungs inside.

If she lived in a lie, then, might as well lie to herself too.

She let the water wash cleanse the wormwood taste from her mouth. That done, she climbed once more on the bed and curled herself into a fetal ball, as if that gesture itself was enough to repel whatever that will come to her, both on the outside and from her inner mind.

The cell grew darker and colder as the grey light from the solitary window dimmed with the passing of dusk. No sound came from the huddled Lily other than her nigh inaudible breath. A few more moments, she was immersed in total darkness.

Somewhere a lock moved its iron teeth.

"Lily Evans…"

Something whispered in the darkness. Blindly, Lily unfolded herself and slowly stretched her hand to the utter nothingness.

For a moment, only air met her fingertips. Suddenly, velvet digits clasped the open hand. As heavy pressure prodded at her chest, a word shattered the darkness.

"Imperio!"

……

Lily was there, right in front of him, laughing, teasing, running. Try as he might he couldn’t catch up with her. Exhausted, he sat down on the foot of the tree, the Whomping Willow. Above him, its branches swayed wildly and made a pounding sound that grew louder and louder with each whipping movement in the air.

She approached him, smiling, and crawled on all fours until she was on him, her lips brushing across his cheek; all the time, she called his name.

Then she whispered at him.

‘I’ll kill you…’

A resounding thud jarred him to wakefulness. Someone was yelling behind his office door, where he had fallen asleep.

‘James! James! For god’s sake, James! Open this fucking door!’

Panic registered in him, and he opened the lock from his door.

Without further ado, the auror from the other side grabbed a fistful of his robes and bolted, half-dragging James in his wake.

Enraged at this abrupt rudeness, James matched the other’s pace and demanded what the bloody hell was wrong.

‘They knew where we hid her. They broke the seal and McKinnon was hurt.’ He tried to explain.

‘What?’

‘It’s Lily. She broke from her cell and she—‘

The other had no time to explain as James ran full speed towards the passage leading toward the holding cells topmost of the Ministry of Magic’s office.

Upon reaching there, he was nearly hit by a beam of red light. Another auror held him back to the wall before cursing at an unseen enemy.

Blood and rage flew to his head, overriding all caution. James stepped from the corner and saw a figure in a coarse shirt pointing a wand directly at him.

‘Lily?’

James was frozen as recognition swept him.

‘Crucio.’ The girl muttered lifelessly and another beam of light shot at James, hitting him squarely at the shoulder that drowned him in a pain that defied any words. In the throes of his agony, he screamed for her but with only one thought running through his mind: he must not fail to protect Lily.

Hearing his cry, something in Lily snapped. The haze that she was walking in was lifted for a split second and saw James writhing helplessly before her.

She dropped the wand and held her head between her hands, muttering denials and shouting at an unseen force in her.

The rest of the aurors moved in towards her. Seeing this, she broke into a run for the end of the hall with a frightened cry echoing on the walls.

In James’ eyes, it was as if everything was moving underwater. Inexplicably, he found the will to stand up and follow her retreating figure in a painful mockery of an earlier dream.

He called faintly out to her and she turned around, her face ashen in shock and awakening from a waking sleep.

A sable-vested giant shadow shot from a corner and with alarming ease swiped the first aurors to reach the two of them, their bodies slamming against the wall hard enough to break the wooden barriers to the adjacent rooms.

In the action, the attacker’s hood slipped and revealed a monster in half-metamorphosis.

All of the aurors stone-froze at the sight of this.

‘Werewolf.’ someone muttered breathlessly, distinct with shock, awe and fear.

Dread made James look at the feral monster, now baring seemingly endless fangs with hungry, guttural growls causing a dense atmosphere of fear.

A faint moonlit memory far back into his school days somehow reassured James that this was not Remus, he realized with unexpected comfort.

‘Stupefy him!’

The command rang loud and clear from somewhere behind the first aurors, and a barrage of angry, red beams begun to rain on the hunted.

Heedless of the spells, the creature carried the girl by the waist, tossing her like one would with a sack over his shoulders and bolted to another corridor and to a passage leading to a dead-end.

With a resounding smash, the wall shattered into slivers, and a blast of frozen air rushed in the space, carrying with it a flurry of snow that blinded them.

As James recovered from the snow, he went to the wall and saw that the distance between him and Lily was a good three floors. Thankfully, the street below was utterly deserted. He threw himself to the branch of the nearest tree. It gave away to his weight and he unceremoniously dropped to the snow-laden ground, gaining a cut in the cheek, losing his glasses through the process. He stood up and s sharp pain from his left ankle left him with a damning, sinking realization that he had broken it.

Ignoring this, he ran the best that he could for the now blurred outline of the hunted. He lost his speed quickly and was now staggering. With every step, his feet became heavier, his breathing more shallow and the pain more evident.

One man looked back at him and threw a smile so full of malice and contempt.

Within a second, James doubled over and lay on the ground unmoving, looking at the Death Eaters shoot for the other aurors and disapparate into thin air, the girl with them.

‘Lily…’ he cried for one last time, tears escaping him, as sound and light left him.

He swore to protect her, no matter what he needed to do.

And he failed.

……

A/N: Now is not the time to be so apathetic. Make a little author happy (or at least make her less depressed) and REVIEW!!!

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