Forgive Me

London Lupin

Rating: PG
Genres: Angst, Romance
Relationships: Harry & Hermione
Book: Harry & Hermione, Books 1 - 5
Published: 30/06/2004
Last Updated: 30/06/2004
Status: completed

~*~ Song Fic! Song is "Forgive Me" by Evanescence.~*~ To anyone who sees her, Hermione Granger is a normal young woman...besides the fact that she is a witch. But even to those who know her so well, there is another side to her. (WARNING! This is based on true events that happened to me. But this was just put into the setting of the HP Universe. The ending is my own.)

Chapters

1. untitled

1. untitled

Title: Forgive Me

Author: FawkesnFlame and Moony (ff.net)/ London Lupin (portkey)

Rating: PG for cutting and mentioning of suicide

Ship: Harry/Hermione

Category: Angst/Romance

Keywords: Harry Potter, Hermione Granger

Spoilers: OotP

Summery: To anyone who sees her, Hermione Granger is a normal young woman…besides the fact that she is a witch. But even to those who know her so well, there is another side to her. Hermione, unbeknownst to even her best friends, is a cutter.
Disclaimer: I don’t own Harry Potter or the song Forgive Me by Evanescence. No money has or will be made from this as it was created for pure entertainment. Though any that wish to send me money will be greatly appreciated.

A/N: Yes, I know that cutting is very hard thing to grasp for some people. Many do not understand why they do it. And I understand if you do not wish to read this fic, but I don’t know what caused me to write this fic, but when the muses want to work, you do not try and stop them. I would know; I’ve had a writer’s block for the past 3 months. I warn you before reading this that if you do not like the idea of cutting and suggestions of suicide that this fanfic is not for you. My other one, Mirror Reflections, is probably much better suited to you. But I also must say that what happens to Hermione in this fic has happened to me and sadly I am a cutter (well, more of one who did it and has not done it in some time a.k.a a month at the time of posting this fic). But I have warned you. Now, on to the fic.

Hermione Granger sat on her scarlet quilted bed and stared at the carpeted floor, silent tears running down her cheeks. Only two days had passed since the end of the year and already life had become a living hell. Ever since she had been but a small girl, Hermione’s life had not been easy. Her parents had always pressured her to be the perfect student and never did she let them down. All through grade school and throughout her Hogwarts years she had gotten strait A’s. Now, that pressure began building up, as her parents coerced her to attend the University of Wizardry in downtown London.

Her first year hadn’t been that bad. She had maintained her standard of nothing but A’s and had made quite a lot more friends. It also was quite nice that Harry Potter, her very best friend, was just down the road in the Ministry of Magic’s Auror training quarters. But now, things were coming at her too quickly and bombarding her on all sides.

With a sigh, Hermione pulled her auburn hair away from her face and sat up. Wiping the tearstains from her cheeks, she stood up, pulled her black shirt back into place and walked over to her shelf of treasures. Hidden behind the stuffed animals and the glass, crystal and ceramic figurines was something Hermione never believed that she would ever own. But ever since that fateful day, this thing had become her faithful friend. Ever since that day that Harry Potter had broken her heart did the knife become her faithful friend.

Hermione remembered all too well the day that Harry had found out what she did to herself. And it wasn’t a pleasant memory.

Can you forgive me again?
I don't know what I said
But I didn't mean to hurt you

I had begun cutting myself no earlier than the end of January of our 6th year, which had come to surprise those who had known me. I still can’t remember why I started, but that’s another matter all together. It was a Hogsmeade weekend when he had found out, end of February and quite warm out . . .warm enough for only a sweatshirt, and a light one at that. The three of us had just left The Three Broom sticks when Ron spotted his twin brothers, Fred and George, down the road. He quickly excused himself, muttering about getting some new pranks. Well, that only left Harry and me together. Alone. Merlin, I did not want this. But everything seemed to be going well, and all we were doing was walking in Hogsmeade, having fun. Well, the sun had begun to beat down upon us and so I decided to take my sweatshirt off. I tied it around my waist and we continued to walk.

“Do you want to sit down for a minute?” asked Harry.

I shrugged. “Sure. Why not?”

We spotted a bench near Zonko’s Joke shop and sat down, Harry on my right. Well, my arms were very sore from all the writing I had done the night before (Those professors and their essays. . .what were they thinking?!) and so decided to stretch them out. Well, apparently Harry saw the fading scars along with some new ones on my left arm. Calmly, he turned to me and suddenly I was scared.

“Hermione?” he said. “What’s that on your arm?”

Shit, I thought. I looked down at my arm and realized that I had forgotten to put the Concealment Charm on the cuts that morning before I had left the castle with the others.

“Hermione?”

I looked over to Harry and my heart stopped. I didn’t have the heart to lie to him but I did. I don’t know how, but I did.

“All the essays that I had written last night cut my arm up pretty badly…I tried to heal them as best I could but they’re going to leave scars. Can’t help that.”

I heard the words come out
I felt that I would die
It hurt so much to hurt you

“That doesn’t come from a paper cut, Hermione,” he said in a quite tone. He grabbed my arm and ran his forefinger across one of the newer cuts, making it sting horribly. I flinched and pulled my arm out of his grasp. “That comes from something sharp. Something like a knife.” Harry starred at me with his gorgeous emerald eyes. “Are you cutting yourself?”

“No,” I said quickly. Too quickly.

Then you look at me
You're not shouting anymore
You're silently broken

I looked at Harry. I could see the hurt in his eyes but I wouldn’t stay around to receive more of his pestering. I got up from the bench and then ran. I ran away from everything. Faster and faster I went, running until my legs gave out on me in the entrance hall of Hogwarts. I made my way up to Gryffindor tower, and slowly but surely, I made it to the portrait of the Fat Lady.

After telling her the password, I ran to my dormitory and threw myself onto my bed, sobbing hysterically. I couldn’t believe that he had found out. And it was all on accident. I must’ve fallen asleep because I was woken up by the sounds of my dorm mates coming in from Hogsmeade. Without them noticing, I got out of bed and headed back down to the common room, not before remembering to put the Concealment Charm over the cuts and scars. There, I spotted Harry and Ron engaged in a furious game of Wizard’s Chess.

I walked over to them and sat down behind Harry on the couch. I watched in silence as they continued their game, unaware that I had just walked in. Twenty minutes later, the game was over and Ron added one more win to his title. I joined the two of them on the floor, hoping and praying that Harry had forgotten what had happened earlier.

“Hey, Hermione,” said Ron. “Where’d you go earlier? I though you’d be waiting for me with Harry, but he said that you’d run off.”

“I wasn’t feeling too good, so I went back to the castle. I am feeling a lot better now though. That nap did me good.”

I could feel Harry studying my face as I talked with Ron.

My eyes must still be red, I thought. I blinked a few times, hoping that my eyes would become less red. But from the look on Harry’s face, I believe that they only become more colored. I don’t remember how much time passed after that, but I soon realized that it was getting late. I stood up and stretched and suddenly realized that my arm was tingling, reminding me that the charm was wearing off.

“Well, I’m off to bed. I’ll see you guys in the morning.”

I leaned over to Ron and have him a hug goodnight before moving over to Harry. But he stood up and walked to his dorm without saying a word. I watched, tears once again beginning to form, as Harry walked up the stone staircase to his room.

I'd give anything now
to kill those words for you

I could feel Ron’s gaze on me as I walked up the starts to my dorm.

I won’t cry…I won’t cry… I won’t cry, I repeated to myself. But as soon as I fell onto my bed, the tears suddenly came.

I never meant for you to find out this way, Harry, I thought. I don’t want to lose you now. You’ve been with me for so long now, I’m not going to lose that because of what I did to myself!

Each time I say something I regret I cry "I don't want to lose you."
But somehow I know that you will never leave me, yeah.

I made a resolve that night not to cut myself again. I went a whole two months before I cut myself again. The cause this time? Harry.

It was always Harry. But this time he had gone and yelled at me, making me feel worthless.

We had been fighting… which was unusual for us. I can’t even remember what now. All I can remember was that the day Sirius had died was drawing closer and closer and Harry was falling into a mild depression once more.

“You didn’t kill him, Harry!” I shouted at him. “Why can’t you get it thought your thick skull?”

“But…”

“But nothing! Not everything is about you!”

Harry’s eyes turned a horrible shade of black green, making him look quite sinister. “Not everything is about you either, Mudblood. Books and cleverness? I’m surprised that you even made it into Gryffindor. You’re a bloody Ravenclaw and you know it. Go back to them while you still can. You’re not welcome in Gryffindor anymore.”

I stood in my spot shocked. Harry had just called me a Mudblood. Tears welled up in my eyes.

“Well, you’ll be happy to know that I cut myself again, Potter. And you know who caused it? YOU! Bloody Slytherin! That’s what you are! Why don’t you go and enjoy the time with Malfoy because I hope that Voldemort kills you!”

I ran out of the common and passed a startled Ron into my dorm. Once again I threw myself onto my bed, crying hysterically. With some of the energy that I had left after crying so much, I reached for my wand and conjured a small stiletto. The blade felt cool to my touch and I placed it against my skin on my left arm. I dragged it slowly across my flesh, the skin separating and a small river of blood flowing out of the cut. I put three more cuts on my arm, watching the blood pool on my bed. Relief washed over me and suddenly I didn’t care anymore. I didn’t care about living. I didn’t care that I loved Harry Potter.

'Cause you were made for me
Somehow I'll make you see
How happy you make me

I looked at the stiletto’s blade with the edge covered in blood. The blade looked so inviting.

Suddenly, my dorm door swung open. I got up and closed it, at that time thinking nothing of it. I sat back down on my bed and began to draw the knife down my wrist. The pain. How do I explain the pain and joy that this gave me. Suddenly, I felt woozy and fell back against my bed. But something caught me. It was a person that I knew for sure. Something whipped out from behind me and Harry suddenly appeared. With a towel he had found on my dresser, he put it over the wound and put pressure on it. I was too weak to protest.

It was weird. But as soon as he saw the cut, he put himself behind me to prop me up so I didn’t fall unconscious. For once, I felt safe. I was in his arms, the one place that I had always wanted to be, for the first time of many (at least I hoped).

I can't live this life
Without you by my side
I need you to survive

A few minutes later he took a look at my wrist and, with a wave of his wand, he stitched and bandaged it up. I looked up at him through unclear eyes and could only make out the worry that was profoundly evident in his green orbs. With a sigh I closed my own eyes and fell asleep only to be shaken awake.

“You can’t fall asleep, ‘Mione,” he whispered to me.

He started to hum softly to keep me awake, but I found that to put me to sleep again. I muttered something about being sleepy still and I could feel him shift as he reached for the nearest book, which happened to be Hogwarts, A History. Hours went by as he continued to read to me. Six hours passed and I had not fallen asleep once.

So stay with me
You look in my eyes and I'm screaming inside that I'm sorry.

“You doing ok, ‘Mione?” he asked, rubbing my cheek with his thumb.

I looked up at him with tears in my eyes. “I don’t deserve this. You’re too good to me, Harry.” I looked away from him, only to have my face brought around so that I could look into his eyes. I sat there, protected in his arms, as his eyes searched mine.

“I’m so sorry,” I sobbed. “I never meant to hurt you and yet I did. I never told anyone because I didn’t want to bring them down with me. Or put more weight onto anyone’s shoulders.”

Tears slowly made their way down my face, staining little trails down my cheeks. I closed my eyes and felt Harry’s thumb brush the tears away.

“Oh, ‘Mione,” he whispered. “You’re never a burden. And I’m sorry for what I said down there in the Common Room. I never meant any of it.”

I felt his face rest in my hair, his warm breath on my scalp. “I didn’t mean it either, Harry.”

Harry looked at me once more. My eyes were now open and I could read so many emotions playing around in his eyes – love, caring, worry, and so many others that I could not describe. I watched in wonder as he slowly brought his face down to meet mine in a tender kiss. My eyes fluttered shut and all I knew was that I loved him… and somehow, he loved me.

And you forgive me again
You're my one true friend
And I never meant to hurt you

Hermione shook her head of the memories of that year. All those after it were happy and full of laughing and joy. Almost a year later, Harry defeated Voldemort in a heroic battle on the school grounds. Many died during that battle, but those who survived began to learn how to live in a world without fear.

Hermione reached behind the stuffed animals and the glass, crystal and ceramic figurines for her stiletto. Flipping it closed, she placed it on her dresser where she vanished it with her wand.

A soft knock came to her door and Harry Potter quietly entered the room. Putting his arms around her waist, he rested his head and breathed in her scent.

“You all right, ‘Mione?” he asked.

Hermione smiled. “I’m just fine. Just getting rid of something that I’ll never need ever again.”

Harry lifted his head off hers and turned her around, searching her brown eyes for the answer. “You got rid of the stiletto?”

Hermione smiled and nodded which caused Harry to smile in return.

“Good.” He motioned to the door with a bow. “Now, let’s get to that dinner I promised you. I just know you’re going to love it.”

The two of them walked out of Hermione’s room and into the hallway. Before closing the door, Hermione turned to Harry.

“I have just one question for you. Just how did you get into the girls dorm without the stairs tripping you?”

Harry smiled and kissed her nose. “That, my dear, you’ll just have to find out for yourself.”

Hermione smiled as she closed the door. Life may not be easy but she was going to handle it the best she could. After all, how often does your guardian angel come in the form of your best friend?