Smelling Like a Rose

Smelling Like a Rose

Word count: 794
AN: I shamelessly borrowed Roald Dahl's Revolting Rhymes Jack and the Beanstalk. Anything you recognise is not mine. All rights belong to Dahl and JKR.

Ron's Mum said, ‘we're stony broke!
‘Go out 'n find some wealthy bloke
‘Who'll buy our owl. Jus' say she's sound
‘And worth at least a hundred pound.
‘But don't you dare to let him know
That she's as old as billy-o.’

Ron took the old gray owl away
And came back later in the day
And said ‘Oh mumsie, dear, guess what
‘Your clever little boy's got.
‘I got, I really don't know how,
A super trade-in for our owl.’
The mother said, ‘You little creep,
‘I’ll bet you sold her much too cheep.’

When Ron produced one lousy bean,
His startled mother Molly, turning green,
Leapt high up in the air and cried,
‘I'm absolutely stupefied!
‘You crazy boy! D’you really mean
‘you sold our Errol for a bean?’
She snatched the bean. She yelled, ‘You chump!’
And flung it on the rubbish dump.
Then summoning up all her power,
She tarantallegra-ed him jigging for half an hour.
(And nothing could be more meaner),
She sent him to bed without a scrape of a dinner.

At ten p.m. or there about,
The little bean began to sprout.
By morning it had grown so tall
You couldn't see the top at all.
Agog Ron cried, ‘Mum, admit it now!
‘It's better than a rotten owl!’
Mother Molly said, ‘You lunatic!
‘Where's the beans that I can pick?
‘There's not one bean, it's bare as bare!’
‘Bloody hell!’ cried Ron. ‘Mum look up there!
‘Look very high and you'll behold,
‘each single leaf is what, solid gold!’

By gollikins, the boy was right!
Now glistening in the morning light,
Mum Molly actually perceives,
A mass of rustling golden leaves.
She yelled out loud, ‘My sainted souls!
‘I'll sell them many by rolls!
‘Don't stand there and gape, you little clot!
‘Get up there quick and grab the lot!’

Ron was eager, Ron was keen;
He scrambled up the mighty bean.
Up, up he went without a stop.
But just as he was near the top
A ghastly frightening thing occurred.
Not far above his head he heard
A sweet girlie voice, a dreamy thing
That made the very heavens sing.
It chanted out loud, ‘Fee-Fi-Fo-Fum
I smell the scent of an Englishman!’

Ron was frightened, Ron was quick.
And down he climbed in half a tick.
‘Oh, Mum!’ he gasped, ‘Believe you me
‘There’s something nasty up our tree!
‘I saw her, mum! My gizzard froze!
‘A Loony with a clever nose!’
‘A clever nose!’ Mum Molly hissed.
‘You must be going round the twist!’
‘She smelled me out. I swear it, mum!
‘She said she smelled an Englishman!’
The mother said, ‘And well she might!
‘I’ve told you every single night
‘To take a bath because you smell!
‘But, would you do it? Would you hell?
‘You even make you mother shrink
‘Because of your unholy stink!’

Ron answered, ‘Well, if you're so clean
‘Why don't you climb the crazy bean?’
His mother cried ‘By Gad! I will!
‘There's life in the old dog still!’
She hitched her skirts above her knee
And disappeared right up the tree.

Now would Luna smell his mum?
Ron listened for the fee-fo-fum.
He gazed aloft; He wondered when
The dreaded words would come… And then …

From somewhere high above the ground
There came a frightful dreamy sound.
He heard Luna muttered twice
‘My gosh, having a Mum’s very nice!
‘Although,’ (and this in a grumpy tone),
I wish she weren't so fond of maroon.’

‘Aye, Christopher!’ Ron cried ‘By gum!
‘Loony has eaten up my mum!
‘She smelled her out! She's in her belly!
‘I had a hunch that my Mum was smelly.’

Ron stood there gazing longingly
Upon the huge and golden tree.
He murmured softly, ‘Golly-gosh,
‘I guess I’ll have to take a wash
‘If I am going to climb this tree
‘Without Loony smelling me.
‘In fact a bath’s my only hope…’
He rushed indoors and grabbed the soap.
He scrubbed his body everywhere
He even washed and rinsed his hair.
He did his teeth, he blew his nose
And went out smelling like a rose.

Once more he climbed the mighty bean.
Luna sat there staring and serene,
Muttering through her pearly teeth
(While Ron sat tensely just beneath),
Muttering loud, ‘Fee-Fi-Fo-Fum,
Right now I can't smell anyone.’
Ron waited till Luna slept,
Then out along the boughs he crept
And gathered so much gold, I swear,
He was an instant millionaire.

Then creeping up the tree to the maximum
He went looking for the left of his mum.
But his mum’s knitting a jumper safe and sound.
And Luna’s really a ravishing little bun and blonde.
‘A bath,’ he said. ‘does seem to pay.’
‘I'm going to have one every day.’