The Real Reason the Human Anatomy is the way it is

Myst

Rating: R
Genres: Romance, Humor
Relationships: Harry & Hermione
Book: Harry & Hermione, Books 1 - 4
Published: 09/08/2004
Last Updated: 16/08/2004
Status: in_progress

Two words: Bloody Hell. Now I have always been quite sure as to what we males are meant to do, unfortunately without Health ed I didn't know that this was humanly possible. But now I'm stuck being a teenage boy with a bad case of PMS and some anger to take out on someone…. My response to LilPrincess48's challenge: The Joys of Male Pregnancy! Tell me what you think.

Chapters

1. And His Name is Sir Moody

2. With thoes Fries I

1. And His Name is Sir Moody

This is based on the challenge from LilPrincess48. I've just renamed it! Turn around right now if you get annoyed by Harry Ron and Hermione as well as everyone else being OOC. Because that happens BIG time in this, but if not then `Welcome'! Really this is just going to be giggles, giggles and lots of pink! Everything will be overdone, from mood-swings to err… bedroom games. By the way, guys (Males), please don't feel offended in any way this is just for fun!

It may take me a little time to update because school has just started and my mom really wants to ban me from the PC but sadly I need it for school. But it shouldn't take that long for updates…

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter nor do I own anything else that belongs to him or anything else that is somehow relevant to him. Hey! I don't even own the major plot in this FF! Hahaha…ha. My creativity amuses me.

Oh big tankies to my beta Angelpi. She has done SO much to help this, because well I haven't had any children and I don't really plan to have any until I'm out of school, so she has been a BIG source of info for this, not that having a mother who's a midwife doesn't help…

Rules:

Name of Challenge: The Joys of Male Pregnancy

Harry, Ron and Hermione are walking to Potions and they get into a fight with Malfoy. Naturally, Malfoy and Harry turn to magic. Malfoy hexes Harry and it seems to have no effect except to knock him backwards. Snape comes out and breaks up the fight.

Requirements:

The hex must get Harry pregnant.

Harry must try and get help from ALL the females he knows. Students, then teachers. (Hermione, Ginny, Professor McGonagall, Professor Trelawny, etc)

Someone must say, "Did you just say that Harry is pregnant, or did someone slip something into my drink?"

The story MUST be HHr. Other ships are allowed, but this is the main one.

~~~

Hermione's laughter bounced off the cold stone walls, as Ron, Harry and she made their way to the Potions dungeon.

“I see you still hang around with that mudblood, Potter. You look Pathetic.” Draco Malfoy sneered as he leaned back into the cold stone wall behind him. Harry Ron and Hermione stood in front of him. His greasy slicked back hair shone as the torch light flickered about.

Hermione darted her eyes downwards as she felt them brim with tears. “I forgot a book in the common room guys. I'm just going to go and fetch it.” Harry stared after her as she ran off.

Harry grabbed Malfoys' collar and heaved him forward. “What did you call Hermione?”

“You heard me Potter.” He said as he pushed himself away from Harry and then smoothed out his cloak.

“She is not a mudblood! She is a normal witch!” Harry shouted then drew out his wand and pointed it at Malfoy.

“Harry, mate, calm down. Its okay we can get him next time. Snape will be here soon and you know he won't miss a chance to take away points from us.”

“So Potter, are you going to be a coward, or are you going to stand up for you little mudblood `girl' friend and duel for her and then loose?”

“Petrificus Totalus.” Harry shouted, the spell went spiraling towards Malfoy. He easily dogged it.

“Impedimenta!” Malfoy roared back at Harry. Harry jumped out of the way.

“Creo Parvulus!” He tried again and this time succeeded. Harry was thrown backwards from the shear force of the spell.

“Harry!” He turned his head around and saw Hermione running towards him. “Harry what on earth have you gotten yourself into this time?” Harry took a closer look at her eyes and saw that they were puffy and red.

“Nothing Hermione, really its, nothing.” He gave her a weak smile.

“Here you go.” Ron said as he stuck out his hand. Harry took it and Ron pulled him up from the floor.

Ron turned his head around and took a look at Malfoy. He had a huge smirk plastered across is grimy little face.

“Well you seem to be fine.” Hermione was saying. “No boils or anything have erupted on the surface of you ski-“

“What on is going on here!” Snape bellowed, as he stepped out of the potions dungeon. He looked more greasy then usual.

Malfoy was the first to answer. “It was all his fault sir.” He said, pointing at Harry. “I just defended myself. I swear.”

Snape's eyes flickered towards Harry. “Very well Potter. Sixty points each from Gryffindor for using magic in the halls and attacking another student.”

“Wha-“

“Silence! And be luck that you did not receive detention for you actions” Snape snapped. “It is time for class.” He swiftly turned around and headed through the large wooden door. His cloak flowing behind him.

“Ugg.” Ron groaned as the three of them entered the class. Malfoy let out a laugh. “Oh how sorry you will be for attacking me, Potter. How sorry you will be.”

“I hate potions!” Ron huffed as the walked out of the classroom. All of them were walking at a fast pace to try and avoid Malfoy.

“I know what you mean, Ron.” Harry answered as they made their way to the common room. When they got there Harry threw his bag down on the chair and took off this cloak. “Merlin its hot in here! I wonder what happened to the cooling charms.”

“I know.” Hermione replied as she too took off her cloak. Harry's eyes stayed transfixed on her breasts until she suddenly spun around and said. “Well I'm going to go put away my books then we should head down to dinner.”

Harry stared after her, he had been doing that a lot lately. He was hoping that Hermione hadn't noticed, but is was starting to become obvious that she was. But not in a bad way, he realized that when she did catch him looking she would stay there for just a seconds longer.

“Yea whatever.” Ron said as Harry stared at her ass when she ascended the stairs.

Hermione only took a few seconds then came back down the stairs and grabbed Harry's arm.

“Come on, or else we are going to miss dinner!”

“'Mkay.” Harry mumbled as she dragged him down to dinner.

“So who are you up against in the next match Harry?” Dean was saying at dinner.

“Huh?” Harry was pulled out of his daydream when Hermione jabbed him in the ribs. “Oh um, Slythren.”

“Really, got a new game plan worked out yet?”

“Er.. no, not yet.” Harry slid back into his daydream. Luckily Ron covered for him.

“Of course he will think of something! We're Gryffindor, we'll beat them for sure!”

Harry just nodded his head.

“Harry were you okay at dinner? You seemed really quite.” Hermione questioned as the trio made their way back to the common room.

“Oh I'm fine! I'm just a little bit tired, that's all, so goodnight.”

Harry trudged up the stairs as soon as they got back to the common room.

“Well I think I'm going to go to bed early as well, night Ron.” Hermione the turned around and made her way up the girls staircase.

Ron's eyes followed Hermione up the stairs until he couldn't see her anymore. Then they swept over to the boys staircase and back to the middle of the room.

“I wonder... where Luna is!” With that he slowly slipped out of the common room and made his way towards the Ravenclaw tower.

One week later

“Um excuse me? Mr. Potter can I please have your autograph? Its for my sick sister, she says that if she had your autograph she would be the happiest girl in the world and she could die happy.” Harry was stopped by a small first year girl, she had short blond hair and big wide brown eyes.

“No.” Harry said gruffly.

“Please for my sister? The mediwitches say that she might not live much more the two months.”

“I said no, and no means NO!” Harry shouted then he pushed her out of the way. “I've got to go to Transfiguration.”

“Thank you for you time.” The little girl whispered feebly.

Harry never heard her as he was stomping off in the other direction.

Hermione spotted the little girl. “What wrong?” She asked as she crouched down next to the little girl. It was her duty as a prefect to help the students. Anyways, she was 16 and she might be able to help this girl.

“Nothing.” The girl said as she wiped her runny nose on her arm.

“Whats you name?” Hermione persisted. The little girl cast her eyes downwards before answering.

“Letiea.”

“Really?” Hermione said. “Well you know, I think you've got a really pretty name. I'm Hermione.” She said as she stuck out her hand.

Letiea let out a small smile then shook Hermione's hand.

“Now will you tell me what wrong? Please?”

Letiea nodded vigorously. “Well I asked Mr. Potter for his autograph for my sister, she's not well and might only have two months left; and she really likes Harry Potter and she says that she would die happy if she had his autograph.”

“Really. Well let me tell you a secret that you can't tell anyone.”

Letiea's face spread into a wide grin, and she nodded her head.

“Harry, these past few days has been acting like, well a really moody girl. You know what I mean, when its that time of month and things…”

“Really?” Letiea squealed with delight.

“Yes but you can't tell anyone!”

“Okay!”

“Look, Letiea. About your sister, I will promise that I will get Harry's autograph for you, I promise. But, for now here is mine. I know its not much but will it do until I can get Harry's?”

“Oh thank you so much! I wonder what she will say when she hears I got her the autograph of the smartest witch in Hogwarts!”

Hermione smiled at the little girl. “Well I've got to go to transfiguration, I will go look for you as soon as I have it.” Hermione got up and saw the little girl walk off in the other way. She took a deep breath then screamed

“Harry James Potter!”

Harry heard his name being hollered through the castle

`Uh oh.' He thought to himself. Harry saw Hermione practically blow the door off its hinges as she came storming through to were he as sitting in one of the classrooms.

“Sign this.” Hermione barked as she thrust a piece of paper in front of him.

“What's it for?”

“Its for the little girl who asked for your autograph for her sister and you said no. The little girl who's sister may die in a little more then two months!”. Harry could feel himself withering under Hermione's intense gaze.

“Oh.” Harry said quietly. He reached into his bag and pulled out some ink. Harry then pulled the quill closer to him. “Do you happen to know her name?”

“No.” Hermione answered.

I hope you get better

Harry Potter

“Here Hermione.” Harry said as he pushed the quill back towards her.

“Thanks. Look Harry, I'm sorry for shouting at you. Its just, well she was in tears.”

“Its okay, I didn't mean to come across that harsh.”

“I'll tell her you said sorry.”

“Thanks.” Harry watched Hermione walk out, she waved her wand and the door was fixed. She gave him a warm smile before walking out.

Hermione spotted Letiea as she was walking towards the Charms classroom.

“Letiea!” Hermione shouted, the started running her direction. Letiea turned around at the sound of her name. “Letiea, here you go.”

“What?” She looked confused.

“Here is the autograph that I promised you.”

“W-what? Really?” Hermione held it out and Letiea started jumping up and down.

“Okay well, I've go to got Letiea. Have a good day!” Hermione turned around to see Harry stomping down the hall.

“Moody.” Hermione said, not too quietly.

Harry turned towards her. “What was that?”

“Nothing.” Harry shook his head and continued to un-happy everything in his way.

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2. With thoes Fries I

Here is the second chapter! It may take a bit longer for the third chapter, and I am having an internal debate as to the length of it. But that's okay.

Disclaimer: If I said Harry Potter belonged to me it would be a lie. One big fat lie. One big fat ugly lie. But I didn't say that because Harry Potter doesn't belong to me, it belongs to JK!

Just a reminder: Remember everything is still going to be over done and not really that, normal. Unfortunately I was advised to not go too far and well, I had to rethink a plot bunny….And most of the things here are just things that I don't think are going to happen.

Enjoy!

With Those Fries I'd like a Puke Bucket Please

“Come on mate, were going to be late for Charms.” Ron was saying, they were in the 6th year boy's dorm.

“You go ahead Ron, I'm not feeling that go-“ Harry got up and ran to the bathroom, he then started to throw up into the toilet.

Ron looked disgusted, “Okay, err… see you soon.” Harry just waved his hand as he felt another round come up.

~~~

“Where's Harry?” Hermione asked as Ron sat down next to her at the table.

“He's not feeling too well.” He said, as he piled pancakes onto his plate.

“Oh.”

“Yea he ran to the toilet when I tried to talk to him. You should go check on him after class.” Ron was now stuffing food into his mouth.

“Why won't he go to Madam Pomfrey?” Hermione looked disgusted.

“Well,” Ron started, turning his face towards Hermione, food flying out. “He says its no big deal.”

“It sounds like he just wants to get off class. Stupid little git.” Hermione turned to Ron, who was piling some bacon on his plate.

“When your done with that we better go to class.” Ron had his mouth wide open and as he was ungracefully attempting to chew food was flying out in all directions. “You know what Ron? I think I'm just going to go now.”

“'E `ou la'er Herm'ne!” Some of Ron's bacon went shooting out of his mouth and into his juice.

Hermione quickly jumped up and ran out of the great hall. She made her way to Gryffindor common room to find belching sounds coming from the boy's dorms.

“Harry?” She called up. She heard a toilet flush and then there was pounding on the stairs.

“Yea?” Harry look pale and he had blue marks around his eyes.

“Are you okay? Ron said that you're not feeling too well and I said that I should go check on you.” Half way through the middle of that Harry made a run for the dustbin, only making it in time. Hermione turned her head the other way as Harry let, whatever that was come up. “Harry why don't you just go to Madame Pomfrey? I'm sure she could help you.”

Harry stood up and turned back to her, “Because she will just get mad at me for getting sick. I was in there last week from a Quittitch accident. I doubt that she will want to see me again so soon.”

“Well your not going to miss class for something that you could easily go and take a potion for! So go get your bags, we have Defense Against the Dark arts first! You really can't miss that as you are the teacher!” Hermione put her foot down firmly and stood there, waiting for Harry to trudge back up the stairs to retrieve his books.

“But Hermione.” Harry sulked. He then bent back down and let some more sickness come up. Harry slouched to the ground, his stomach was hurting, he had a horrible headache and all he wanted to do was sleep.

Hermione frowned, Harry really did look bad, and she could tell that he wasn't faking it. But he really couldn't miss the one class that he teaches! “Oh my poor baby.” She said as she slid down next to him and took him into her arms. “You really don't feel that good do you?” She felt him shake his head against her chest. She kissed his forehead, “Okay then, well just stay here and I'll go look in my trunk for some Muggle medicine.” She lifted his head so it was straight in front of hers. “I'll be right back.” She then gave him a peck on the end of his nose.

Harry and Hermione slowly walked towards the couch and Hermione then ran up the girls staircase. Oh poor Harry. I'm sure he feels horrible. Hermione thought as she took out her toiletries, Here it is! No wait that for contraception. Those are my vitamins, and here is the Panadol! Hermione grabbed an empty bowl and filled it with cold water, then she grabbed a face cloth on her way down.

“Here you go Harry.” Hermione gave him the Panadol tablets and she fetched him some water. Harry drank them with out a protest, and then he lay back down on his pillow. “Why aren't you going to class Hermione?”

“Because you don't feel well.” She reached down and picked up the wet cloth, rang it out then wiped it on his sweaty face.

“But then I'm going to feel bad because I made you miss one of your classes.”

“Shh.” He felt a finger being placed on his lips. Hermione got up and took off her coat. Then she wiped his face again. “Where don't you feel well?”

Harry taped his head and stomach. “Everything hurts, its so sore.” He let out a gasp of breath. “A bright light, I see a bright light. Its so pretty, so nice. Come here light.” A shriek erupted from his lips. “Its blinding me! Oh! Ahhh, no, no! I don't want to go. You can't make me. Oh the pain, the horror. M-make it go away Hermione, tell it to leave me alone.” He started to twist and turn.

“Okay.” She said, lifting his glasses off his face.

“Hermione what are you doing?” He couldn't see her but he could sure as hell feel her hands as they rubbed against his stomach.

“Harry tell me if this hurts okay?” His reply was a mumbled `okay'. She right above his belly button. When she got no reply she moved on, the next place was the side of his stomach, again she go no reply. But when she put some pressure right under his belly button, on his barley visible snail trail he let out a moan.

“Oww. Don't press there again.”

“Sorry!” She bent down and kissed him where she had pressed her fingers down. He started to squirm around when her lips touched his body.

“T-that tickles.” A snort of laughter escaped his mouth. It was now Hermione's turn to giggle. Again, she bent down and kissed him in the same spot, and without fail there was yet another round of laughter.

“Now where does you head hurt?” Hermione had begun to ask, but Harry had tipped over the couch and vomited into the dustbin.

“Ech, right at the front.” Hermione moved closer towards his head, lay her hand against his forehead.

“Merlin, one would think that you were on fire Harry!” Hermione reached down and took the still cool cloth and gave his face another wipe. “Your vomiting so much one would think that you've got morning sickness.”

“That's not funny Hermione, really. And by the laws of nature its also not right!” Harry reached out and twined his finders with hers. “Ahh, you hands are so nice and cold.” Harry let out a sigh as he felt her place her other hand on his face. “I wonder how long its going to take for this medicine to work.”

“It shouldn't take too long hun.” And sure enough come ten minutes later Harry's headache had passed, and he was just left with a throbbing in his lower abdomen.

Hermione slipped behind Harry, and he lay his head on her stomach. How on earth am I lucky enough to have Hermione Granger underneath me? Hopefully she won't see how excited this is getting me. Harry curled up on his side and the both of them fell asleep.

~~~

Hermione groaned. She felt something pressing against her hips, and it felt really good. She opened her eyes to see Harry Potter lying on his side with his face right next to her breast. The only thing that's wrong about this situation is that out clothes are still on us, not the floor like they are supposed to be, but on us. Hermione put her hand on Harry's shoulder and shook him. He didn't wake up. So she lifted him up and out off the couch then shook his leg. Yet still he was asleep. So she fetched his glass of water and poured it on him. Then Hermione proceeded to go through every thing in the book, but yet Potter-the-rock still slept on. So she tried the only thing there was left, she kissed him full on the lips. This really got him awake.

First a expression of shock was written on his face, then that passed and then an look of pure bliss took over and he responded back. He moved his head more towards the side and pressed his mouth harder against hers. She responded by wrapping her arms around his neck and moving closer towards him. He gave one last hard push against her mouth then he moved his head back.

He had a rather smug look on his face, “What brought that on?”

“You wouldn't get up, I tried everything on you, but nothing seemed to work.” Hermione had a smile that was threatening to spread all over her whole face, but she somehow held it back.

“Err… well that might have something to do with the fact that I was in the middle of a, ah, rather enjoyable fantasy.” His face was turning redder and redder every second that he spoke.

He, he had a fantasy? But- oh, Cho. “Well its time for lunch, and you seem to be looking a lot better, so I suggest that we head down.”

Harry sat up, “Hey,” he pulled her face down and gave her a quick kiss before she could push away. “It had nothing to do with Cho.” He then got up and took her hand. “Lets go to lunch.”

~~~

“Harry!” Ron shouted when Harry and Hermione entered the great hall. “How you feeling?” He asked as the two of them sat down at the table.

“Better, much better.” Harry replied before reaching to the bread.

“You should have seen him Ron, he was throwing up so much one would have thought he had morning sickness!”

“What!?” Dean spat out all of his Pumpkin juice on Neville. “Did someone just say Harry's pregnant or was something slipped into my drink?”

“DEAN!” Neville grumbled.

Dean turned back to Neville, took out his wand and said a quick cleaning spell. “Sorry Neville.” He then turned back to the trio, “How the bloody hell can Harry be pregnant? He's a guy! You are right Harry?”

“No Dean I've been a little girl all this time, just drinking the Pollyjuice potion, and I'm really Lord Voldermort's long lost sluttish daughter. Of course I'm a guy Dean, and I don't even think that males can have children.”

At the other side of the room Draco Malfoy let out a roar of laughter. “Aww isn't that so sweet. Look everyone, Potter's going to be a daddy.” There was a collective sigh from the Slythren table.

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