Only The Brightest Shadows

Azure

Rating: PG
Genres: Angst, Romance
Relationships: Harry & Hermione
Book: Harry & Hermione, Books 1 - 5
Published: 11/08/2004
Last Updated: 11/08/2004
Status: completed

Nights like those don't need fancy words, and I think everyone knew it, too. You just have the emotions, when it all comes to a close; you can turn your head and see the people you trust the most all around you, and you can tell they're thinking the exact same thing - and that's all that matters.

Chapters

1. Hand in a Hellbasket

1. Hand in a Hellbasket

[A/N: I’ve been having an internal struggle of sorts on whether or not I should upload this. And, as you can see, the daring side won, so here it is: my rather sad attempt at a first-person monologue of sorts. I fear it isn’t terribly exciting, but I hope you enjoy it, all the same. Please review and let me know what you think!]

***

You think I'm crazy, don't you?

S'alright, mate, don't worry. I guess I am a bit mad, now that I think about it; I'd probably have to be a bit loony for sticking around for so long. Merlin knows I could have lived an entirely different life. Not that I would, mind you. That'd be an even bigger mistake, I know now, though I have to admit it didn't seem like it during those darkest nights. What can I say? I'm human. A prat, maybe, but that doesn't change things. I still felt those doubts and I still felt those fears; I guess they were as much a part of me as anything else, probably the part you were raised to keep under wraps.

I still hate the Dursleys, you know. Don't think I ever told you that, either, and I'm sorry about that. They had no right to do what they did; I won't go into it, as I'm well aware you know the story better than I ever would, and I doubt you want those memories drug back up. That still doesn't change the years of pain those wankers made you go through, though. Do me a favor, will you? Tell Hermione to thump them about the head for me. She's a bit scary sometimes - you ever been on the wrong end of one of her books? That hurt like hell for weeks. I guess it knocked some sense into me, though. We didn't fight nearly as much after that, much to her chagrin, I'm sure. Careful, mate; I've a feeling she's a bit of a closet abuser, and you can ask Malfoy, she's not much afraid of showing it.

Anyways, back to the point, right? Sorry; I've never been all that good at these speech sort of things, if you could call it that - not like you, at least. I still remember what you said that night, you know. That bravery and courage and all that nonsense didn't quite seem so important, right? I think you called it all bullshit - and I couldn't have agreed more, mate. Nights like those don't need fancy words, and I think everyone knew it, too. You just have the emotions, when it all comes to a close; you can turn your head and see the people you trust the most all around you, and you can tell they're thinking the exact same thing - and that's all that matters. It was incredible. I still get that feeling in my chest, even now, that same one I had standing in the shadows by the common room fireplace. You, Hermione, Neville, Luna, Ginny, me - we were all there, and we were all quiet, and I remember hearing nothing for the longest time.

That was the longest night of my life.

And you know what? I would relive it every damn day of the week for that one moment - crazy, right? The one night that changed everything and I don't want to let it go. I can't help it, mate. You felt it, hell, everyone felt it, from the white masks on the Hogwarts grounds to those friends I could just reach to my side and pull close. That single moment was my downfall, I guess. Maybe you can understand things a bit better now, if I'm lucky. I know you were thinking the same thing; that no matter what happened, no matter who fell and never made it back to their feet, everything would be just fine, because we had each other. And I know that it was the strangest thing for you - yeah, I know I'm not the most observant fellow around, but I could just see when you knew; you looked at Hermione, and me, and everyone, and it was the queerest thing, right then, that someone who's gone through life all alone realized he won't ever be lonely again. We all felt it, and we all changed.

Hermione, if I remember right, didn't look all that surprised. I guess she already knew. She's smart like that, and even I could see this was just acceptance or something, maybe just confirmation that yeah, everything would be just dandy. I'll admit it, mate - I did feel a bit jealous when she took your hand, but those feelings didn't last long. To be honest, I just couldn't let something like that bother me; hell, I knew it was going to happen, probably before I got over that crush I had on everyone's favorite bookworm. And yeah, I fully blame you for that one. Rest uneasily at night knowing you put me through emotional misery, won't you? I'll feel a bit better, then.

Kidding, again.

I saw you two that night, you know, that night at the Burrow, right near the end of the winter holidays. I hate it to break it to you, mate, but you weren't all that quiet sneaking out; I had the strangest sensation that someone was fiddling with the door, and I have to admit I felt like screaming. That was, of course, until the Invisibility Cloak slipped and I saw a single hand slide the door open and let it shut, and though I was dead tired I knew I was going to follow you anyways, if only for only a bit. Can't say I knew just where you were going, but still I had a quiet sort of feeling you were going out into the yard, and I made a quick dash for one of the windows.

I never did figure out how you knew she was out there.

I wanted to ask you, too, but I guess I forgot, somewhere along the line. Anyways, there she was, out in the snow - girl's a bit bonkers, did I mention? - and you joined her and I could only watch behind the glass. Hell, I wanted to do something, anything - run out there and smack you around for a bit, maybe, for even getting close to her. Thankfully, that feeling didn't last all that long, or I might have done something rather dumb. I guess it just faded away when you were sitting beside her, and you two were all close and quiet, and then you did the one thing I could never do: you made her forget it all. You made her forget the darkness and the cold and N.E.W.T.s and all of those things she holds close, and she was just happy. I used to think I could do that, you know? Slick the hair back, puff out the chest, lay on the Weasley charm, those sorts of things. Can't say they ever really worked, now that I think about it, but I guess they didn't need to, when I saw you two kiss.

It's a bit strange, actually. You'd think I'd be all anger and sadness and emotion, right? Well, you'd be a bit off the mark, mate - if I remember anything about the night, it's when you two kissed, and I just sort of leaned back, the window fogging right back up until I couldn't see you two anymore. I didn't think to stop you; I didn't want to ruin the moment, of course, and, in fact, only one thought came to mind: the trio was no more. Nah, mate, I wasn't mad, so don't get all bothered. Well, not when I really thought about it, at least, when I snuck back to bed and curled up beneath the covers. It was just something I had to accept; something that came like the wind, something like the rain. You can't stop it, and maybe you can't see it coming - but why would you want to? It's simply mad to blame the clouds for bringing the storm, I know now, and I guess it's just as crazy to blame you two for doing away with the 'trio.' I guess I did, for a bit, but it helped that I had people like Luna (and Neville and Ginny, of course!) who smacked me around a bit until I realized the simple truth: there was just the us, and then there was you and Hermione. When it came down to it, we were all the same, but there was no harm in the everyday differences, either.

I wish I had realized that sooner. But what's done is done, you know, and it simply won't change that I didn't quite see that until that one night in the common room with the Death Eaters at our doorstep. I was scared. No harm in telling the truth, mate, because I know you were too. For different reasons, sure; you were scared for Hermione and me and Luna and Neville and Ginny and everyone. I'd bet Gred and Forge any day of the week that you completely forgot to be scared for yourself; then again, that's what Hermione was there for, I guess, so you didn't quite need to worry about it. Everything that happened after you gave your 'speech' is just a blur, like one of those muggle photographs, maybe, the ones that don't move and are just all the shades of gray. Those are kind of nifty, you know? I guess I never really thought about it, much, but they really say a lot more than the wizard photos ever could.

Don't tell Hermione I said that, though. Or things will go to hand in a hellbasket, right?

Close enough, I guess. I never really got that one.

I'm just glad it's all over. I'd like to think that things will get better with the blink of an eye, but if that were true we wouldn't have time to sit back and remember, would we? I know you'll never forget what happened that night, mate, and I know it's strange to say but I'm glad. Everyone - the world - doesn't need to forget; it's cruel and unfair to everyone who died, to everyone who gave it their all, and to everyone who stood by that fireplace in the Gryffindor common room and knew they would always be together. That's all I want you to remember. Forget the white masks and black robes - those bastards can rot in hell for what they've done, for all I care. They piss me off, even now, but they're done, they're through, and it's all thanks to you. You have my thanks for doing what you were always meant to do; don't think I didn't know that you never wanted that prophecy, and never wanted your life basically death or murder, because I know, Merlin, I know, and I didn't forget. That's what kept me going, in the last hours of that night. You didn't have much of a choice, but I did, and everyone else did too, and my choice could be something so simple and so easy: to make sure you put that bastard Riddle in the ground for good.

And you did it.

You did it.

It...it's a shame, mate, that I couldn't see it. If I have one regret (besides those small and unimportant things), it's that I wasn't there to see you put an end to the man who's caused so much trouble. For that, I'll apologize, but that's the only damn thing I'm sorry for, mate, and I want you to remember that. I'm sorry I couldn't see your face when you knew it was all over, that the prophecy was over and done with, and you could live out the rest of your life however you pleased. I'm not sorry that'll have to go through even more pain at all the funerals and everything to get to that point, and I know how mad that sounds, but I say it only because I know without a doubt that you'll make through it just fine.

I wish I could say I never doubted you, mate. Maybe I wasn't the best of friends throughout all those years, yeah, and maybe I never really appreciated the fact that you never doubted me, but I can safely say that when it came down to it, I always knew you'd never let me - never let Hermione - down. In those moments where it really mattered, when you simply needed the faith of everyone you knew, I wasn't one to back down; sure, in the other moments, I guess I might have forgotten that you were my best friend (fourth year, right?), but I'm glad to say that in those last days of the war I would have walked beside you into hell itself if you had asked.

And I guess maybe you did ask that, somewhere along the road, with the Death Eaters and the Aurors and the realization that that night was the night when it would all come to a close. I'm still not sure if that was a good or a bad thing, you know.

I've got to wonder, though, how someone is supposed to react - I don't know, adapt - to knowing that. We all took it differently, I know. Neville? White as a ghost, heh, but I could see that he really didn't give a damn anymore. He knew he would be scared, and he knew he was going to fall once or twice, but he also knew that he would just get back up and never give up, and follow you until the very end. Ginny? Just...Ginny, right? She told me, once, that she wished she could have been a part of the trio, back in the day, and go with us on our grand and spectacular adventures. I guess she realized, then, that this was her chance to make a difference, but she also knew that just surviving, just staying alive and maybe doing nothing, well, that was perfectly fine too.

You get the picture. You were there, and you saw it all.

It was a bit different for me. Yeah, I knew that night was the night. I knew this was the last one; the last battle, the last war.

And it was the last adventure. My last adventure. Don't ask, mate. I don't bloody well know how I figured that one out. Luck, maybe. Or maybe I just knew, from the very beginning, and I finally got around to accepting what could only be the truth. It wasn't an easy thing, I'll tell you that. And it certainly wasn't a Ron thing to figure it out and just smile. But that's all I could do. I wanted to be indignant. I wanted to rough the place up a bit, I wanted to just hide, take the Invisibility Cloak and let it all just pass me by. But I couldn't, mate, because I knew that it was all for you. And Hermione. And Neville and Luna and - everyone.

And you know what? I wouldn't have had it any other way.

I know Hermione probably isn't in the best of moods at the moment. And I know she's seeing it all again, wondering why I would do something like that. Maybe I ate something magic-repellant and thought I could deflect the Avada Kedavra? And while that sounds pretty damn similar to something I might have done, I can't say that was the case. I'm not like Hermione, you know - I don't plan things out. I didn't sit down and make a note that I was going to die that day, and I most certainly didn't want it to end like that. But some things we just can't change. You know that. She knows that. And she'll remember it, sometime soon, but she might need you in the meantime, so don't let me down, mate.

And you, Potter. The sodding Boy-Who-Lived, right? I'm proud to say I knew you. And you should know I'm not the type to get all emotional, yeah, but I've got to be honest; I want to thank you for being my friend, when it all came to an close. I guess I got the fame I always wanted in the end, right?. Not quite the way I had wanted to get it, sure, but I won't lie - I didn't give a damn about that fame in those last hours. Strange, I know. I always envied what you had, somewhere in the back of my mind, and I guess I never really thought about what had to happen to you to actually get that fame. But you gave me a chance - yeah, I know you didn't mean to, and I know you'll probably think that it was your fault, but hear me out, Harry. You gave me a chance to pay you back for everything you've done; you gave me my shot at fame, even though I didn't quite realize it at the time. But, even knowing that now, I know where my place was: right in front of you the moment that green should have brought you down.

And it really wasn't about fame or fortune or any of that other fickle crap. Standing in front of you was simply the only thing I could do; it was the best thing, I know, and it wasn't so you would beat yourself up in the days after. I did it for you, Hermione, Luna, Ginny, Neville, the entire world, and I've already told you, I wouldn't change a thing. Sure, I wouldn't have minded a shot at life. But I can't complain - I got it, those times with you and Hermione sitting by the fireplace, just talking, and watching the night fade away. I'm glad you two have your chance to live; it's all I can ask for now, and you'd better remember that I'm watching, mate, and if you hurt her, expect a haunting or two.

Don't blame yourself, Harry. I know you do that; let Hermione help you, just like you need to help her. You'll be fine. Do me a favor, will you? Watch over Ginny for me. And mum and dad too, and everyone, I guess. They need you, mate, and you shouldn't spend your time feeling sorry for yourself. I've already told you, once, that I wouldn't have changed a thing. And you know why, and you'd sure as hell better not forget it, Potter.

I did it for you.