You Never Even Call Me By My Name

Molly Moon

Rating: PG13
Genres: Humor
Relationships: Lily & James
Book: Lily & James, Books 1 - 5
Published: 26/08/2004
Last Updated: 26/08/2004
Status: completed

Sirius Black offers to watch his young cousin, Nymphadora Tonks, one afternoon not realizing that he's bit off more than he can chew.

Chapters

1. untitled

1. untitled

You Never Even Call Me By My Name

Disclaimer: All characters and places in this work are the property of J.K. Rowling and the large corporations with which she is associated. No money is being made from this work.

Rating: PG-13 for mild swearing

Notes: Written for Erised1810’s scenario in the <a href=http://www.livejournal.com/users/saeva/22700.html>GenFic-A-Thon</a>: Five-year old Tonks shows her first signs of magic. No restrictions. The title comes from an old country music song by David Allen Coe. Just don’t ask… Much thanks to my darling husband and my adorable Cedar and the ever Checkmated Elucreh for beta work and whinge-support.

Please, Sirius, the letter from Andromeda had begged, just come and get Nymphadora for a few hours. I’ve got a horrid cough and haven’t slept in two days. Ted’s working overtime at the store and I can’t find a sitter. Her handwriting jumped in several places, as if she had coughed particularly violently while writing. If I can’t get some sleep, I’ll have to call in to the Ministry tomorrow and I just don’t have the sick days to spare… Andromeda was his favorite cousin. She was also the only family he had left, and he could never say no to her. With no other plans for the day, Sirius apparated over to the Tonks household, snatched up the giggling Nymphadora, and told her mum not to look for them before sunset.

Upon reflection, Sirius realized that when he had agreed to take his young cousin, he’d had no idea what he was getting himself into. At the tender age of five, Nymphadora was already a walking disaster area. The girl was terminally clumsy, and abrupt in her speech. Nothing seemed to intimidate the child; she greeted the most terrifying looking patrons of the Leaky Cauldron – and considering that the pub was the gateway between the Muggle and wizarding worlds, Sirius had to admit that its clientele could be questionable – as if they were no more threatening to her than a puffskein.

Not that he didn’t adore the child, he mused over a quick shot of Ogden’s Old Firewhisky; after only two hours of running around Diagon Alley after Nymphadora, he was exhausted. Sirius was forced to admit that even at the age of twenty, he was not ready to take on parenthood. Nymphadora’s never-ending exuberance for the world around her was a more effective birth control than the best Prophylactic Potion ever brewed.

That was why he was sitting patiently in the pub waiting the arrival of “back-up,” while Nymphadora fluttered between tables chatting to anyone willing to make eye contact. Sirius smiled to himself, proud of his use of Muggle slang, even if it was silent. When Lily had insisted that her television came with as part of the ‘death do us part’ package, James and Sirius had mocked her openly. How, they wondered, could a little box be more entertaining than the Wizarding Wireless or a real live Quidditch match?

The teasing continued until a fateful Thursday evening when Fawlty Towers and the genius that was a Muggle named John Cleese had the former pranksters laughing their way into reverence for the gadget. It wasn’t long before the old gang, Sirius, Remus and Peter, were gathering on a regular basis to watch Lily’s television at the Potter household. Lily introduced them to Monty Python’s Flying Circus – though it took some convincing for them to believe that Monty Python wasn’t an actual person (Peter was sure he remembered someone in Slytherin with that name)– and the movies that the hilarious Muggles had made.

Sirius’s personal favorite, however, was a cop show called Starsky and Hutch. That was where he had learned the term ‘back-up,’ among so much other Muggle slang. And while Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew were no Starsky and Hutch, they were certainly qualified enough to help him manage a five year old witchling.

There was a loud crash from behind him and Sirius could hear Tom, the barkeep, muttering under his breath. Sirius turned in his chair and saw Nymphadora sprawled out on the floor, covered in marmalade and various other jams. Several broken plates and jars lay nearby, but thankfully Nymphadora was unharmed. He jumped to his feet and whipped out his wand, casting the repair spell on the broken items as quickly as he could.

“So sorry, Tom,” he said as he tossed out a few enchantments to clean his little cousin up. “Young Tonks here has a slight balance problem.”

Nymphadora looked up at the barman sheepishly, “I’m very sorry too, Tom.” Her eyes were filling with teardrops, but she did not cry. Her face turned bright red from embarrassment. “Once I get my magic, I won’t be so clumsy, will I, Sirius?”

Stifling a chuckle, Sirius shrugged. “Being clumsy has nothing to do with magic, muffin. You’re just growing so fast that your body can’t keep up with you right now. I’m sure that eventually, you’ll grow out of this awkward phase and be as graceful as your mum is.” Her shame tugged at his heartstrings, and for the millionth time since her birth, Sirius was glad that Andromeda had broken her ties with their family. Imperfection wasn’t allowed when your surname was Black, and the toddling ways of young Nymphadora would have been the cause of many family arguments.

Of course, the fact that Andromeda’s husband, Ted Tonks, was Muggleborn had cemented her and Nymphadora’s status as persona non grata in the Black clan. Sirius had been present the day that his mother had blasted Andromeda’s name off the tapestry of the family tree. He was sure that his own name had been burned off by now as well; he had turned his back on his family and their hatemongering ways when he was sixteen, and never looked back. Nymphadora had been born that year, and Sirius had been so happy for Andromeda and Ted. She was a gorgeous little girl, with a full head of brown-black hair and soft blue eyes. He’d known how much the family had objected to her mother’s marriage, but he had assumed that with the birth of the next generation of Blacks, that the rift would be mended. He couldn’t have been more wrong.

There were hundreds of reasons that Sirius hated his family – their obsessions with pure blood and the dark arts being at the forefront – but the last straw had been his mother’s reaction to the birth of Nymphadora.

Abomination, she had cried when Sirius received the announcement via owl post. Dirty, polluted child, screamed his mother at the top of her lungs. A snapshot of the newborn had been included with the letter; Sirius could remember staring at it for hours as the decision to leave finalized in his mind. To hate someone who had just been born, who was innocent to the world and a beautiful example of her parents’ love, was something he just couldn’t abide. That blinding hatred and presumption of superiority were the summation of the Black family philosophy and he no longer wanted any part of it. He had moved out three days later, using the money that an uncle had left him to get on his feet. He still had a year of school left, so he didn’t need much. It was the easiest decision of his life, but the hardest step to take.

So yes, as he watched her lick the last of the jam off her fingers, Sirius was grateful that Nymphadora would never have to hear the hateful words their “family” would have used to describe her. Given that she was fast approaching the age of six and had yet to show any sign of magical talent, he was even more thankful that the Black clan was absent from her life. Of course, Andromeda and Ted knew that Nymphadora’s name was already down for Hogwarts, but that didn’t change the fact that, magically speaking, the wee lass was turning out to be a late bloomer. It was worrying; being from a mixed family during the current times was harrowing enough, but if her lack of powers to date was a sign that young Tonks wasn’t going to be a particularly strong witch… Well, Sirius didn’t want to think what would happen if the Death Eaters got a hold of her.

Before his mind could travel any further down that road, Peter and Remus arrived. Nymphadora squealed and ran over to them. Peter picked her up and swung her around in the air. Remus, ever the mother hen, told him to be careful lest the child get sick all over the both of them.

Soon they were all sitting at Sirius’ table chatting about nothing in particular. There were, of course, pressing matters that they should be discussing, but the fight against Lord Voldemort was not for the tender ears of a five-year-old child.

“I’m bored,” moaned Nymphadora after several minutes. “Can’t we go and do something fun?”

The wizards exchanged glances and after a moment, Remus asked, “And what would our little adorable nymph like to do this afternoon?” His play on her given name made the child blush. It was a well-known fact that Nymphadora hated being called by her full name. Sirius didn’t blame her – it was quite a mouthful even for someone who wasn’t five. Over the years, friends and family had tried numerous pet names. Although Nymphadora scowled when people used her given name, Andromeda would not bend her own steely resolve and allow anyone to shorten the name itself. It’s a beautiful name with a proud heritage, she’d insisted on more than one occasion when someone had called the young witch ‘Dora’ or ‘Nym.’ Thus had begun a battle of wills that had started as soon as Nymphadora could speak; neither party showed any signs of relenting anytime soon.

Nymphadora’s eyes lit up. “Could we go to the Zooimagical Gardens? Please, cousin Sirius, could we?”

Peter shook his head. “It’s still closed, sweets. They still haven’t recovered from last month’s attack.” The table went silent, hoping that the child wouldn’t press for more information.

“Hey,” said Sirius with a grin, “Don’t Muggles have zoos as well? Couldn’t we take the witchling there instead?”

Remus nodded. “That we could; the London Zoo has hundreds of animals on display. I’m sure she’s never even heard of most of them, growing up amongst our kind.”

“Lions and tigers and bears, oh my!” intoned Peter in a singsong voice. “What do you say then, sweets? Shall we pretend to be Muggles for the day?”

With a shriek of delight, Nymphadora hopped off her chair and stood up with her arms outstretched expectantly. Sirius chuckled and drew out his wand. After a few quick transfigurations, she no longer wore the play robes that her mother had dressed her in, but an appropriately Muggle outfit of a t-shirt and jeans. Nymphadora giggled excitedly, spinning around to show off her new outfit.

After a few more minutes, Sirius, Peter, and Remus were similarly transformed from their Wizarding attire, and the troupe set off for the London Zoo via the Underground. During the ride, Nymphadora pestered them with questions about what kind of animals they would see. A Muggle woman chuckled at the child’s disappointment when she was told that there would be no unicorns at the zoo.

“Are you sure this is safe?” Remus whispered to Sirius. “What if she says something, uh, inappropriate about our lifestyle?”

Sirius rolled his eyes. “You saw how that one just reacted… most Muggles will just brush it off as a child’s fancy. However, if you refer to it as our lifestyle in public enough, people will think we’re snogging.” Sirius smirked broadly when Remus groaned in annoyance. “Now, now Lupin… You know that I’ve been mooning over you since our fifth year…” Sirius jabbed him in the ribs, enjoying the old joke.

“Stop dogging the man, would you, Black?” added Peter as he bounced Nymphadora on his knee. “I think we’re old enough now not to behave like animals in public.”

Sirius leaned towards Remus, making as if to kiss him while Peter roared with laughter. Remus pushed him away with a look of disgust.

Nymphadora jumped off Peter’s lap and faced her cousin with her hands placed emphatically on her tiny hips. “Now listen here, Sirius Black, you just leave Remus be. He’s mine! When I’m a real, grown-up witch, I’ll marry him and then we’ll be the ones snogging!” She beamed at Remus, who blushed profusely. He’d been the subject of her unflinching adoration ever since he had danced with her at Lily and James’ wedding the summer before.

“Is that so?” Sirius raised an eyebrow and gave Remus an appraising look. “He’s rather homely, muffin. Don’t you think you could do better?” Sirius would never say it aloud, mostly because he knew that Nymphadora would grow out of her crush, but even though Remus was one of his oldest friends, he could never abide a werewolf dating his precious little witchling. Ever since she had been born, Sirius had felt a deep, protective bond for the child. He only wanted the best for her, and nothing but pain could come from loving a werewolf – she would become as much of a second-class citizen as Remus was. It wasn’t fair and it wasn’t right, but it was the way life was.

Nymphadora gave Sirius a sharp kick in the shin that sent Peter and Remus in to fits of laughter. “He’s wonderful just as he is.” Remus planted a kiss on her forehead. Her cheeks flared with color. “Though, honestly, if he doesn’t stop getting older and taller, I’ll have to consider marrying Barnabus instead.”

“Oh, careful there, Remus… you have competition!” teased Peter. “Who is Barnabus anyway?”

Sirius let out a snort of laughter. “Barnabus is Ted’s liaison with Gringotts’ for the store. He’s a goblin.”

“He gives me Pepper Imps,” said Nymphadora gleefully.

“Child logic is not earth logic,” said Remus with a sigh. He hoisted Nymphadora up onto his lap and told her tales of the old Goblin Wars for the rest of the journey.

The next several hours sped by as they toured the Muggle zoo. There was only one exhibit that remained unexplored, and Sirius had purposefully saved it for last. The petting zoo was filled with children, goats, llamas, rabbits and various other childproof creatures. He felt sure that this was the perfect way to end the day, and that Nymphadora would be delighted to actually be able to touch the animals.

Sirius, Peter and Remus, meanwhile, were overjoyed to have a chance to sit down. The petting zoo looked like a small park: there were benches next to the enclosures, and a small creek divided it from the rest of the zoo. The creek led to a pond in the center of the petting zoo that had a few dozen goldfish swimming in it. All in all, it was a very serene place. It didn’t take long for Peter to start snoring softly on a nearby bench.

Nymphadora appeared to be having a blast as she played with the animals and the Muggle children. She flitted around the park, as was her wont. The girl would be with the rabbits one moment and with the llamas the next. She was chatting with a young boy when a group of little girls strutted over and began pointing and laughing at her clothes. Eventually, the little boy joined in, albeit reluctantly. Sirius was ready to jump to her defense when he saw one little girl push Nymphadora to the ground, but Remus stopped him.

“She has to learn to fight her own battles, Sirius.” Remus placed a firm hand on his friend’s shoulder. “Look there, no real harm done. She’s on her feet already.”

Nymphadora shuffled her shoes as she walked away from the laughing Muggle children and sat down next to the pond. Her little shoulders began to shake, and soon after Sirius could hear quiet sobs.

He stood up and moved over to her. Crouching down next to her, he pushed a lock of her hair out of her eyes. “Hey, little bit, what’s wrong?”

Her voice shook as she spoke. “That, that girl… she said I couldn’t talk to her friend. Said I wasn’t pretty enough and that I dressed like a freak.” Doe eyes stared up at him, begging for comfort. “Am I a freak, Sirius?”

“No, sweets, never! You’re perfect!” Sirius pointed down to the pond and their reflections. “See? We’re both gorgeous. That Muggle must be a fool not to see it.”

Nymphadora looked at her reflection appraisingly. Her tiny hands still shook with emotion. “I don’t know… I don’t feel pretty at all. Mum’s got that beautiful white blond hair. I wish I had that.”

No sooner had the words left her mouth than strands of her hair began to change from brown-black to white blond. The color seemed to grow out of her scalp and bloom around her head like a flower. Nymphadora’s eyes grew wide and she turned to Sirius.

“It tingles! What’s happening, Sirius?” asked the wide-eyed child.

He reached over and touched her hair gently. This was it; Nymphadora Tonks had just done her first bit of magic. Sirius was speechless as the reality of what kind of witch she was dawned on him. He grasped her by the shoulders and said, “Listen carefully now, close your eyes and imagine that they are green. Concentrate as hard as you can, muffin.”

Nymphadora closed her eyes and screwed up her face. A few seconds later, she opened her eyes and looked up at Sirius expectantly.

A broad grin spread across Sirius’ face. One of her eyes had changed to a bright green, though the other had remained the same. There could be no doubt about it now -- his cousin was a Metamorphmagus – a witch who could change her looks at will and without the aid of a wand. A magical child might accidently alter their appearance, but that Nymphadora could do it just through concentration made her very unique. In the whole history of the Black family, there had been only one other, and that was nearly a millennium past. It would take years to master the ability, he told himself, trying not to get over excited. Sirius was very adept at transfigurations himself, but Metamorphmagi could transfigure the very molecules of their being and bend them to their will without a wand. It was a rare and powerful magic. Great things would be in store for his witchling from now on.

“Remus! Peter, come and see what Nymphadora’s done!” The child in his arms stiffened slightly at the sound of her name, but Sirius paid no attention to it. “You won’t believe it! Our Nymphadora’s a Metamorphmagus!”

Peter and Remus were on their feet instantly. The group of wizards ‘oohed’ and ‘aahed’ over Tonks’ transformation, speaking all at the same time, their excitement reaching a fevered pitch.

“McGonagall will have a new favorite student in this one, I think. Nymphadora will be the Queen of the Transfiguration class.” Peter patted her absentmindedly on the head. The child looked mildly annoyed.

“There’s never been a Metamorphmagus in the family. Great Merlin, I wish I could see Mother’s face when she finds out that her impure grand-niece has such a rare gift!” Sirius was beaming. “I can’t wait to tell Andromeda what Nymphadora’s done!”

Nymphadora stomped on Sirius’ foot when he used her given name, but he took no real note of it. “Hey, sweets, try to be careful there; you could have hurt someone.”

“She’ll certainly have a lot to work on now. Since a Metamorphmagus’s magic doesn’t require a wand, Nymphadora won’t have to worry about those pesky rules about underage witches performing magic… Though until she can get it under control, I don’t think we’ll be able to take her on trips into the Muggle world anymore. The transformation is so often connected to a Metamorphmagus’s emotional state.” Remus frowned as he considered the situation. He glanced down at Nymphadora and his eyes went wide; he pushed her into the center of their little circle. “See what I mean? Nymphadora’s hair is turning from white to flaming red as we speak. Someone might notice!”

Nymphadora wrested herself out of his grasp and muttered, “Don’t call me that, Remus. And I don’t want to go home yet!”

“Yeah,” said Sirius as if he hadn’t heard her, “perhaps we should take her home right—“ Sirius looked down to where Nymphadora should have been. Only there was no child there. “Uhm… Where’s the witchling?”

Peter groaned as he scanned the crowd of children. “She’s run off. I don’t see her anywhere. Shall we split up and look for her?”

“And just what exactly are we supposed to be looking for? A brunette, a blonde or a redhead?” Remus let out an exasperated sigh. “She could literally be anyone and anywhere right now.”

“Wait here,” said Sirius with a gleam in his eye, “I think that bird over there could be persuaded by a little of the Black magic to get some help for us. If I can get her to prevent anyone from leaving this area of the zoo, we’ll find her eventually, right? When in the Muggle world, get the Muggles to help you, eh?” He strode confidently over to a pretty blonde Muggle that was manning the gate to the petting zoo.

“Hello there, gorgeous.” Sirius used his most charming voice and flashed a grin at the young woman. “Don’t suppose you could help me find my young cousin. She seems to have run off on me and my friends.”

Muggle women are so easy, Sirius mused as the girl leaned in and batted her eyelashes at him in a most unsubtle way. “Sure thing, what’s her name?”

Sirius frowned slightly. He certainly couldn’t tell the woman that her name was Nymphadora. Lily had said on more than one occasion that it was a ridiculous name, most un-Muggle-sounding. He didn’t want to raise more suspicion than needed. “Well, she’s a bit sensitive about her given name, but she should answer to her surname, Tonks.”

“Okay then, what is she wearing?”

“Not sure honestly, I wasn’t the one that dressed her today, I just picked her up from her Mum’s house.” Sirius shrugged rather pathetically.

The girl raised a curious eyebrow at him. “Uhm… well, what does she look like?”

“Well, you see…” Sirius stopped dead in his tracks. He certainly couldn’t explain that his cousin was a Metamorphmagus, not unless he planned to cast a few memory charms on this Muggle later. His face turned warm under her stare and finally he said, “You know, I’m not entirely sure what she looks like. But I really need to find her and bring her home now.”

The gate-girl took a step back from him. “So, what you’re saying is that you want me to find you a little girl that won’t answer to her name and who you can’t describe for me in any way?”

“Yes,” said Sirius, flashing her what he considered to be his sexiest smile. “And maybe once I’ve put her to bed, I could tuck you in too.”

The girl goggled at him, and then gave him a cautious smile. “Could you watch the gate for a second, I think those officers over there,” she pointed to a pair of Muggle policemen standing near the gorilla enclosure, “could be of some assistance.”

Before he could answer, she was on her feet and bounding over to the policemen. She engaged in a whispered conversation, pointing and glancing back at Sirius several times during the course of it. Each time, Sirius smiled his most charming smile and waved politely.

A few minutes later, the officers returned with the girl to the gate of the petting zoo. To Sirius’s vast disappointment, neither man resembled Starsky or Hutch in the least.

“Ah, excellent gentlemen, I appreciate your assistance!” Sirius was unused to talking to Muggle authority figures, so he decided to play it safe and be as formal as possible. “You’ve come to help me cull my beautiful young cousin from this crowd of children? It’s getting late and the poor lass should really be leaving.”

The three of them stared at him. No one said anything for an uncomfortably long time. Sirius was starting to get a bad feeling about this.

“Uhm, you are here to get a little girl for me, aren’t you?” Sirius forced a chuckle. “I only need one, and she has to be in there somewhere, wouldn’t you say?”

The gate-girl glowered at him. “What kind of a pervert are you? Did you really think that I’d just grab a little girl and hand her over to you?” She threw the gate open and shoved him to the other side of it. The officers caught him deftly and locked him into a tight hold. Sirius couldn’t understand what he’d done wrong. The practiced conversations he’d learned in Muggle Studies on ‘How to Deal with Muggles’ had never prepared him for this.

“Hey, stop that, I need to get my cousin back! Her mum will have my hide if I don’t bring her home on time!” Sirius itched to grab his wand, but managed to restrain the impulse. The last thing he needed was a public incident that would draw the attention of the Ministry of Magic. Peter and Remus were still inside the petting zoo; he could only hope that they would find Nymphadora as soon as possible.

The policemen ignored his attempts to free himself from their grasps. “Can you believe this loony, Barney? Trying to pick up kids right under their parents’ noses?”

“I was not! I was trying to find my cousin!” Sirius protested.

“Sure you were, mate.” Barney the Cop rolled his eyes. “What kind of charges do you think we could bring him up on? I can’t stand these child-molesting types. Like nothing better than to see the lot of them rot in jail.”

The first policeman snorted. “Ever seen what the other inmates do to his kind, Barney? Better to hang if you ask me; it’s kinder in the long run.”

Just as Sirius was ready to risk the fury of the Ministry and Apparate the hell out of there, Remus stepped in front of them and cleared his throat. The officers stopped and stared at him.

“Pardon me, sirs, but I think you can release my friend here.” Remus nodded at Sirius, who smiled gratefully at him. “We’ve found his cousin, and this has all just been a big misunderstanding…” Peter joined the group, holding Nymphadora tightly in his arms. Her hair had returned to its normal brown-black color, but her eyes were now bright green. With a smirk, the little green-eyed monster waved at him and the policemen.

“That’s his cousin, is it?” asked the officer that wasn’t named Barney. Remus nodded. “How come he told that girl that he didn’t know what her name was or what she looked like?”

“Her name,” Remus said slowly, “is Nymphadora Tonks.” To his side, Nymphadora growled under her breath. Remus smiled and nodded his head in her direction though. “As you can see, she doesn’t particularly like her name. Only her mother calls her ‘Nymphadora.’ As to why Mr. Black couldn’t describe how she looked…” Remus paused, and then turned a pair of rather sad eyes to the officers. “The truth is that my friend has a few, uh, mental problems. Which is why Peter and I come with when he wants to visit his cousin. Once, when we didn’t, he took a toaster home at the end of the day and told her mum to read it a story.” Remus shook his head sorrowfully. “Such a sad case. He was at the top of our class in school until the accident with an Itching Idahoan cactus and a tube of super glue. Thankfully, the rash doesn’t act up that much anymore, and even when it does, it’s rarely contagious.” Remus gave a not-so-subtle glance to Sirius’ pelvic area, followed closely by a sad sounding sigh.

Having heard much more than enough, the Muggle policemen released Sirius into Remus’ custody and made a fast getaway. Peter and Remus were doing their best not to laugh as the group made their way out of the zoo and back towards the Underground.

Nymphadora was soon handed off to Sirius. “Way to go, witchling. You nearly got me sent to jail by running off.”

Her bottom lip quivered and she looked on the verge of tears. Remus tutted at Sirius and smacked him on the back of the head. “Don’t even listen to him. I have full faith in Sirius’ ability to get himself thrown into jail on his own merit.” He winked at Nymphadora and was answered with a girlish giggle. “Besides, I did stop them before they got to the cavity search…”

Peter furrowed his eyebrows, clearly confused. “Why would the Muggle Aurors be interested in Sirius’s teeth?”

Sirius opened his mouth to explain, but Nymphadora preempted him. “Am I a really real witch now, Sirius? Now that I’ve found my magic, I won’t lose it again, will I?”

“Never, witchling, never ever.” He wrapped her into a tight hug as they boarded the subway.

“Do we have to go home now?” There was a slight whine to her voice as she snuggled into his neck. A second later, she yawned.

“Afraid so. The day is over, sweets,” Sirius patted her gently on the back, “you need some dinner and I need to figure out where to bury Remus’s body…”