The Love Letter

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“Write a love letter to her, please? For me, Remus.”

Remus Lupin stared at his best friend, James Potter, as if he had gone insane. In fact, he was quite sure that James had indeed lost his mind, to make such a request.

“You want me to write your girlfriend a love letter?”

“Yeah.”

Remus danced in place uncomfortably. He loved James, he loved Lily, and he loved his other two best friends, Sirius Black and Peter Pettigrew, but sometimes they asked too much of him. Like now.

Remus knew that James didn’t realize the scope of his love for Lily, and though there were moments when he wondered if perhaps Lily had seen through his disguise to the feelings he kept hidden in his heart for her, he was relatively secure that she she was unaware of the true scope of his feelings for her.

Lily had known about his condition, about being a werewolf, from the moment they’d met on the Hogwarts Express their first day. She’d overheard his mother cautioning him to be careful about going to Professor Dumbledore whenever it was time for him to change on the full moon, but she hadn’t rejected him, or told his secret. In fact, she’d supported him throughout their seven years at Hogwarts.

She was the one who’d steered him towards James, Sirius, and Peter. If it hadn’t been for Lily’s gentle intervention, Remus knew he would have been a loner throughout his school career. She understood him. She accepted him for who he was, and she saw the goodness and the beauty that resided within his soul, even though that beauty had to share space with a vicious beast, and she’d loved him when he’d needed her to love him.

It had been hard to conceal his feelings when he’d found out that Lily was in love with James and that they were dating. He’d been angry and resentful, but he knew he had only himself to blame. He’d had plenty of time and opportunity to confess his feelings to Lily but he hadn’t taken the chance, and at one point he was sure she would have given him a chance in a relationship.

But he’d been afraid. Not of her rejection, but of hurting her. What if he turned on her, in a full moon? What if something happened, an accident, and he was left without his potion and he hurt her? It was the one thing that had kept him from pursuing any serious romance with any girl, not just Lily: a fear of harming the one he loved. James, Sirius, and Peter were animagus’, and they knew how to handle him when he changed. Lily did not, and he would rather die than hurt her.

“Come on mate," James pleaded. "I have all these feelings but I don’t know how to express them.”

“You don’t have to win her Prongs,” Remus said. “She’s already yours.”

“That’s not the point and you know it,” James huffed. He ran his fingers through his unruly hair and leaned his lanky body against a wall. “I want her to hear it once in awhile, you know? Come on, Moony. I’ll owe you one. Hey, I’ll hook you up with Lily’s sister Petunia…On second thought, no, I won’t.”

“What’s wrong with her sister?” Remus asked, cocking his head to the side and blinking expectantly at him. Surely any relative of a girl as wonderful as Lily couldn't be that bad. But James was shaking his head.

“So many things, man, it’d take all day to explain. How about Alice Ketchner? You really like her, I can tell. All that red hair and those startling green eyes,” James said, oblivious to the likeness Alice bore to Lily, and how that tied in with Remus’ attraction to her. Alice Ketchner was as shallow as a teaspoon and about as bright. “…heavy bosom, curvy body, legs a mile long,” James went on. “…all that creamy skin...”

“You certainly remember Alice’s appearance, don’t you?” Remus joked, grinning.

James licked his lips. His mouth had started to water. “Oh, right," he said, pulling himself together. "Well, I noticed her before I started going out with Lily. But I never dated her, I swear,” he added quickly. So come on. What do you say?”

Remus heaved a heavy sigh, resigned to torture himself by pouring out his own emotions into a letter for Lily, and passing it off as something from James. He prayed he could fashion it well enough to make it look like something from James, lest his cover be forever blown and Lily aware of how he felt for her. “I say ok. I’ll write a love letter for Lily.”

James beamed at Remus. “Oh, thank you, mate. I owe you big. How soon will you have it done?”

“I’ll give it to you in the great hall tonight.”

James clapped Remus on the arm again and took off down the hall. “Gotta get to Transfiguration," he called back. "I’ll see you at dinner!”

~~~~~

Later that evening, Remus met up with James outside the Great Hall, as students began pouring in for dinner.

“Here you are, Prongs," he said. "One sappy love letter.”

James took the note and skimmed over it. “Oh, mate! This is beautiful. She’s really going to eat it up.”

“Just out of curiosity…is that how you feel about her?”

“Sure,” James said with a shrug. Remus wasn’t satisfied with this answer. He knew James wasn't the greatest at expressing emotion, but his answer had been too quick, too blase, for his liking.

“Well? Is it?”

“I said yeah,” James said, sounding exasperated and looking slightly embarassed. His face brightened as he saw Lily approach. He handed her the letter.

"Evening, love. Remus," Lily said, giving them each a peck on the cheek before walking with them to the Gryffindor table to meet up with Sirius and Peter. They took their seats, and Remus and James began spooning food onto their plates while Lily opened the letter.


Dear Lily,
Words can’t express how I feel about
you, but I’m going to try anyway. From
the moment I met you, I konew that you
were honest and good. Your soul is as
clean and pure as an angel’s tears. You
made me want to change for the better.
You made me look inside and see that
there were more important things in
life than my wants, my needs, and my
selfish desires. You’re a gift from the
gods. You’re my reason to live. I love
you more than I will ever be brave enough
to say.

Sometimes I look at you and I
wonder what it would be like to know
you. I mean, really know you, from the
inside out. I lie in bed at night and
close my eyes, thinking of your loving
face, and your kind smile. It warms
me, it fills me with joy.

No matter how dark and wicked the
world becomes, Lily, you are a ray of
hope. I carry your love inside me,
in that place no one can see but me,
and it sustains me. When life
becomes too hard I draw on the
love you give, and I know that I can
make it. You’re my source. When I
reach inside and do things I shouldn’t
be able to do, it’s because your love
strengthens me. I love you so much that
sometimes it hurts, but it is the sweetest
pain I will ever know. I wouldn’t trade
one moment of this pain for an eternity
of empty pleasure.

I love you, Lily.

Love,
James


Remus sighed and thought of the note, criticizing every word as he watched Lily's beautifully vivid green eyes scan the letter. What had seemed clever and brilliant while composing it in the library now seemed melodramatic and foolish. He thought it was stupid, but it was undeniably honest and real. It was everything he felt for Lily, but it could only scratch the surface, for there were no words in existence that could truly explained what he felt for her. James, Remus noted, was watching Lily as well. Her lips curved in a gracious smile that left Remus feeling giddy deep inside. She liked the letter, her eyes said so. She didn't think it foolish.

"I failed McGonagall’s exam today," James said, while Lily examined the note for a second time. "I couldn’t get that damned chair to turn into a puppy! It kept coming out looking a lamb with four wooden legs."

“Oh, this is beautiful!” Lily whispered, ignoring James' complaints about class, her voice heavy with emotion.

“Do you really think so?” James asked hopefully, and Remus beamed with happiness inside.

Lily kissed James on the corner of his lips. Remus suppressed a sigh, wishing, for the millionth time in his life, that he could be James Potter. “I most certainly do. I love it.”

James happily turned his attention to his food and struck up a conversation with Sirius and Peter. They chatted about class and Lily placed the letter on the inside of her robes, above her heart and looked Remus dead in the eye, which made his heart almost stop. She knows, he thought desperately. She knows I wrote the letter!

Lily whispered to him as she squeezed his hand under the table. “I love you too Remus. You’re a good friend, my gift from the gods as well. Thank you.”

He put his fork down on his plate, for he knew he wouldn’t be able to swallow over the lump of emotion in his throat. She knew he’d written the letter, and she loved him as well. Not the same way she loved James, true, but she loved him, and it was enough for him.

It was enough.