Holding On

dumbles

Rating: PG13
Genres: Angst, Drama
Relationships: Harry & Hermione
Book: Harry & Hermione, Books 1 - 5
Published: 27/08/2004
Last Updated: 27/08/2004
Status: completed

Holding onto the phone, holding onto this glass, holding onto the memory of what didn't last. Waiting for better words, they'll never come, so dry your eyes... I never lost so much... Song fic to 'Holding On' by Straylight Run- quite hard to explain, very full explaination at the very end. PG13 for some mild language. One shot.

Chapters

1. i never lost so much

1. i never lost so much

Authors Notes: Song I’ve used is ‘Holding On’ by Straylight Run.

Just a warning that this is a very very very confusing fiction- please read my notes at the very bottom as to why this was written, what it actually is about and why it’s so weird and why there won’t be any more than this one part…

Just a warning now that every time the song lyrics come in, the PoV switches from Hermione to Harry and visa-versa.

Moving slow like the smoke from your cigarette
Every step closer's a step that we both will regret
Keeping a tally but who could keep track

Our eyes met from across the room, the brilliant green colour of yours so visible, even from this distance and they stare deeply into mine. A shiver shoots down my spine at your gaze and I find myself circling the room, trying to desperately reach you.

My mind is telling me to stop, my heart is telling me to go. Who am I to defy a choice of the heart? With every step I draw closer to you, with every step I start shaking more and more.

I pause when I reach you and we just look at each other- it’s been ten long, lonely years. You don’t know how I’ve yearned for you.

You take my hand and lead me out into the centre of the room, where we begin to make slow circles. With every circle my body is getting closer to yours, our lips edging dangerously close.

I want to kiss you like I used to be able to. I want to do the things to you that I’ve been dreaming about for ten years.

I used to get told that sometimes you have to pay a high price to be with the one you love. And I’m afraid that we’re paying the highest price of all. Alone for the first time in so long we’re coming dangerously close to overstepping the line that was drawn for us.

I step away from you, still holding onto your hands. A simple look is all it takes for me to convey my thoughts- we’re breaking all the rules.

You shrug your shoulders, seemingly not caring. What are rules?

I cannot do this. I cannot be in this room with you. I drop your hands quickly and race away, out of the room, down the flight of stairs and into the safety of the basement kitchen. There are people around, you cannot come to me or they will know we’ve broken the rules.

Your overreacting is taking me back
To a time when our lives aligned

The soft click of the door is what makes me realise you have gone- I did not feel your hands leave mine, I did not see you walk away.

Ten years is a hell of a long time and I am so glad you have returned. However I am cursing this curse, cursing knowing that I can never have you again.

I know why you ran. You know the rules- we aren’t meant to have any contact. You’ve always been a stickler for the rules, why should that change now? Why should you suddenly want to break the rules after being away for ten years?

I can smell you still here in this lonely room and I can still feel your arms wrapped around me.

Who was the cursed devil who lay me with this responsibility? Who was the cursed devil who realised that what I shared with you would bring our downfall? A choice had to be made and we decided ‘it was for the best’.

Holding onto the phone, holding onto this glass
Holding onto the memory of what didn't last
Waiting for better words, they'll never come
So dry your eyes, it's better, now it's done

The voices in the kitchen sweep over me, I know I am sipping this glass of water, I know I am replying to questions I am asked, however I know I am doing it without thinking. The routine is the exact same and has been since my return. I know it so well that I can do it without concentrating, leaving me to think of you.

I cast my mind back over the years, back to before everything changed. Back to when it was you and I against the world. It was always you and I. Harry and Hermione. Hermione and Harry. But then the world we were against collapsed and a new one, a terrifying one emerged.

And he came to us with the choice. If we were to stay together and fight together, it might never end. The new world would survive. We had to move on, move apart if everything was to go back to the way it was. We had to move on, move apart if you were to fight him- Voldemort.

The words of the people in my presence swim over me. For ten years now I’ve wanted someone, just one person, to tell me it will all work out, that one day you will face him and that one day it will be over and we can be together again, a joyous reunion of sorts.

The words never come. The people around melt away as the tears start to flow for the first time. What’s done is done and nothing can change it.

Keep a tight grip like a child holding onto a swing set
Waiting and hoping to find what I can't figure out yet

I paced angrily around my room, my prison. It has been a week since you came to me, a week, only a week. Captive in this room it feels like a month.

I grip the windowsill and listen hard to the going ons in the hallway, trying to figure out if your voice is one of them. I doubt it. I doubt they’d even risk you walking past the room.

We were fine when you came to see me- nothing bad happened. That I know of. I never get told anything in here. I’m the man who is meant to save the world, yet I know nothing of the world I will be saving. I have been held in this room for so long now that I have forgotten what the sky looks like, forgotten what grass feels like.

It will be over soon, I hope. If it is not over soon, I will have lost the strength to fight. And without the strength to fight, I am nothing. Without you, I am nothing. I wonder if perhaps he is realising this now, that maybe you were good for me, not bad.

I wish I had a wand so that I could contact you. But this room is empty, aside from the bed, which is gathering dust in the corner. I don’t sleep now. I can’t sleep. My body and powers have become a fine tuned fighting machine- that is why I need you. You calm me.

Please don't unless this is something you need
Another nightmare instead of a dream
Better left alone

I did not hear him enter, nor did I want to. It takes me a moment to realise that I am staring at the man who took my life away.

Albus Dumbledore. Supposedly the wisest wizard ever. But if he is so wise, why hasn’t he seen that this is killing me? It’s killing you! It’s killing us!

I ignore him, as I have done on every occasion since that day that he made us choose. I made my feelings towards him perfectly clear- I do not want anything to with this man.

But he ignores me too and heads up the stairs. I know he is here to see you. But the suddenness has startled me and I forget myself and slip into remembering the nightmare that has become my life.

I don’t know why I remember everything- the original plan was for us and everyone to be memory charmed. I don’t know why it didn’t work. I have been living in a nightmare and I want it to end- I wish the memory charm had worked. I don’t want to remember anymore.

Holding onto the phone, holding onto this glass
Holding onto the memory of what didn't last
Waiting for better words, they'll never come
So dry your eyes, it's better, now it's done

When he comes into the room I want to run at him and tear him limb from limb. He hasn’t come for me in weeks. I was starting to think he was leaving me for dead.

He nods his head once and I know what he is here for. It is time. It is time for me to face him.

A glass of water is conjured and I drink it in one go. As terrified as I am at the thought of facing Voldemort again, the thought relives me. No more being alone in this room and no more being apart from you.

I close my eyes and allow myself to once again feel your arms being wrapped around me. I shall feel it again soon.

He is speaking but I am not listening. I am thinking of you. Before I realise he is leading down the stairs. Everyone is lined up, watching me go. You are at the end of the line, near the door.

Fuck Dumbledore. Fuck him and all his ‘rules’. Freedom from you for ten years has proved nothing- it should not have taken ten fucking years to prepare me for tonight.

As he leads me past you I stop, sending a collective gasp through the group. He goes to grab my arm, to lead me away again, but I pull it away from him and cup your chin, looking deep into your eyes.

I will be waiting is what they say to me. I know it is true. I know you will wait forever for me- you have already waited ten years.

I kiss you gently and lovingly and when I pull away, I see you are crying slightly.

Don’t cry… it’s enough. Enough now.

I get pulled away from you and the last thing I see as I walk backwards through the door is your face. You’re smiling through the tears.

I never lost so much
I never lost so much
I never lost so much

The word came only hours later. They all had the sense to leave me alone- they all knew how I would take it.

He came back after the news was received and I took my anger out on him. I screamed everything I had wanted to scream for ten years. I screamed myself hoarse.

And then came the tears. I fell to the floor, the sobs overcoming my body. Your voice was echoing in my head, your last words to me…

Don’t cry… it’s enough. Enough now.

Authors Notes: So what is all this about?

Basically this stemmed from having ‘Holding On’ on repeat for a week- I seriously love the song and Straylight Run in general- I’m going mental waiting for their CD!!! October isn’t too far away.

The idea for this story is one that’s been floating around in my head for a while, one that I could never really write, nor explain.

The general premise is that Dumbledore has forced Harry and Hermione apart as Hermione was proving to be an obstacle in Harry’s training to fight Voldemort. It’s been ten years now since they were forced to make the choice- stay together and lose the war or split and have a hope of winning. They decided to split and Dumbledore took the precautions to ensure they wouldn’t come across each other- Hermione moves abroad and Harry is confined in Grimmauld Place.

The story here starts when Hermione returns and she gets into Harry’s room. I think the rest until the end is pretty self explanatory. What happens in the end is that Dumbledore comes to take Harry to defeat Voldemort and Harry breaks the rules at the last moment for one last moment with Hermione, a moment he’s been denied for ten years- a moment which is enough for now.

But in the ensuring battle with Voldemort, Harry unfortunately died, as well as Voldemort. The last part is obviously Hermione’s reaction.

So, yeah, that’s it. If it doesn’t make sense it’s because I’m writing this at almost midnight, I’m half asleep and I can only see out of one eye. I hope you like it and if you don’t, tell me and tell me why.