Well, there isn't much to say. Voldemort has gone into the Psychology business. PG-13 for Drinking, slight swearing, and strip poker. Chars. include, Ginny, Draco, Lucius, Severus, Voldie, Peter, Harry, Fred, and Plantella the house plant. ^_^
From the Unofficial Portkey Archive: https://portkey-archive.org/story/29/
A. N.: I hope that this is original. I haven’t seen anything like this before, but you can never tell with this place! I own nothing, but J. K. R., who is a genius, does own it all! Except the idea that I came up with for this fic. That is MINE! Note: This is NOT a MST. It may seem like it at the beginning, but it isn’t. I wrote this in the form of a play, which I normally don’t do, but I thought that this particular fic sounded better in this format. This will have more chapters to it, but I need to get reviews first! None of the incidents in this fic will happen, and a couple of the characters may be O. O. C., but I tried. OK?
The Voldie Support Group
Act I, Scene I
Scene: A small room with ugly green walls and brown chairs set in a circle. Lord Voldemort is sitting in a desk chair on wheels with a clipboard in his hands and has a quill behind his ear. Peter Pettigrew, Lucius and Draco Malfoy, Professors Trelawney and Snape, Ginny Weasley, and Hedwig are each seated in a chair.
Voldie: Hello, everyone. It is such a pleasure to have each of you here today, and brings a smile to my face. I thank you. When it is your turn to speak, I ask that you say your name and problem so that we may understand what is wrong with you and can directly relate with what you say. Um...so, who would like to go first?...No one? Oh, yes, you there. Go on now, don’t be shy.
Peter: Hi, everyone, my name is Peter Pettigrew-
Everyone but Peter: Hi, Peter.
Peter: (grumbles at the interruption.) Anyways, I’m Peter, and I have a problem with betraying my friends.
Voldie: Oh, my, that is so sad.
Ginny: Why? He did it for you. (Crosses arms and slumps back in chair.)
Voldie: Yes, but that’s beside the point. He is now feeling the pain in what he did. He is trying to overcome this obstacle in his life. Now, Peter, how does this betrayal make you feel inside? We all want to help you.
Ginny: (Mumbles.) I don’t.
Voldie: (Glares at Ginny.)
Peter: Well, at first it didn’t seem so bad, because I just thought I would gain a bit of power, you know? Now I just feel this big emptiness. (Sniffs.) I’m sorry, I need a break. (Takes a deep breathe, wails, and runs from the room crying.)
Ginny: Baby...
Trelawney: I knew it. I saw this coming. There is such negativity in this room, and it is bad for my aura. (Goes into a fake trance.)
Lucius: Oh, shut you mouth, Trelawney, you nut case.
Draco: (Rolls eyes, sighs, and slouches.)
Voldie: Lucius, I do believe that you have some anger issues. Would you like to tell us about it?
Lucius: No.
Snape. Right. Well, I would like to express my hatred toward all of you, as well as toward a certain someone else who finds it amusing to break rules...(He continues to ramble...)
Voldie: Let it all out, Severus. We’re here for you.
Hedwig: Hoot?
Lucius: I for one can take no more of this. (Stands up and turns to leave.)
Voldie: Come on, Lucius, we can help you. Come on back, now.
Lucius: (Ignores Voldie and keeps going.)
Voldie: I DON’T THINK SO! GET YOUR SELF BACK HERE RIGHT NOW!
Lucius: (Still ignoring Voldie and places his hand on the doorknob.)
Voldie: (Jumps up and attacks Lucius. He pins Lucius to the floor and punches him in the face repeatedly. He hits him in between each word.) Don’t- ever- do - that- again! I will not tolerate insubordination! DIE!
Lucius: (As Voldie throws him into the wall.) Make me, Tree Hugger!
Voldie: (Stops and gasps dramatically.) How did you know? (He rushes over to his small indoor plant and picks it up then starts to stroke it.) Shhh, don’t worry, my dear.
Everyone except Snape and Trelawney: (Blink and stare.)
Snape: I mean, just because he has a scar. So what? I have one on my right ankle. Does that make me any more special than anyone else?
Trelawney: Ommm... ommm...(Takes a deep, dramatic breathe.)
Draco: So...does anyone care to try and rationalize the Dark Lord’s sudden fondness of plants? Oh, Snape, do shut up. No one cares.
Snape: (Not listening to Draco.) Who does he think he is anyways?
Hedwig: (Flies over and beats Snape in the head with her wings.) Hoo! Hoot hoot hoot!
Ginny: (Walks over to Hedwig and picks her up off of Snape’s head.) Hedwig, we must be calm. He has mental issues that he must over come. (Rolls her eyes and sits back down in her seat.)
Hedwig: (Sits contentedly on Ginny’s shoulder.) Hoo...
Lucius: (Sits up and groans.)
Voldie: (Stroking plant.)
Trelawney: (Faking a trance.)
Snape: (Rambling, even though no one is listening.)
Draco: (Picks up a book and starts flipping to random pages. His eyes widen and an evil grin spreads across his face.)
Ginny: (Petting Hedwig.)
Hedwig: (Sitting on Ginny’s shoulder and is being petted.)
Peter: (Runs back in with red, puffy eyes.) Sorry about that, everyone. (He stops and blinks at the odd scene before him.) And I thought I had odd, mental issues...(He sits back in his chair.)
Everyone but Peter: (Ignores Peter and continues doing what ever it is that they are doing.)
Ginny: Hey, Draco, what book is that?
Draco: (Reading a random page.) Ummm...(He flips to the cover over so that Ginny can see.)
Ginny: (Grabs the book out of his hands and reads the title out loud.) Seducing Samuel..(Blinks. There is a woman on the cover with a white, flowing dress that is see-through. Ginny then turns to the random page that Draco was reading and her eyes widen.) Draco...this is...bad! This book has sex in it! You shouldn’t be reading this! (She throws it across the room.)
Draco: Well then, Miss Sex is Illegal!
Ginny: I never said it was illegal! Only married people so do that. And it’s inappropriate to be reading about! You shouldn’t be worrying about sex right now. Besides, you’re only 15!
Draco: No, I just turned 16! Hey... Want to get married?
Ginny: No! (Rolls eyes and stomps away.)
Hedwig: (Falls off of Ginny’s shoulder, as the sudden, abrupt movement startles her.)
Peter: Well, well, well...Dark Lord? I do believe the youngsters need some anger management help.
Voldie: Not now, Peter.
Lucius: (Stands up and brushes himself off.) I... need a drink.
Draco: I second that one, Father!
Lucius: Draco, you’re too young. (He waves his wand and an alcoholic beverage appears before him.
Trelawney: (Stops her fake trance.) Is that... wine?
Snape: (Stops rambling and looks over at Lucius.) Do you have anymore?
Voldie: (Still clutching his plant, but strolls over to Lucius also.) Lucius, drowning your pain in alcohol will not make it go away.
Lucius: (Pours the drink into a glass that has appeared by the bottle.) So? I need something to ease the headache I have recieved by being stuck here with these maniacs.
Voldie: (Looks down at the small plant.) Well, won’t alcohol give you and even worse headache?
Peter: (Looks at Lucius) Can I.. just have a sip?
Lucius: Sure. (Ignores Voldie and takes a big swig of his wine. He waves his wand and three more glasses appear.)
Voldie: (He walks over to the table and, still clutching his plant, sits down next to Lucius.) Well, I guess a bit won’t hurt...
Snape, Trelawney, and Voldie, and Peter: Thanks
Hedwig, Draco, and Ginny: (Stare and back away from the scene.)
Act I, Scene II
Scene: A few hours later, the adults of the group have had too much to drink, and are now all drunken idiots. As for Draco, Ginny, and Hedwig... they are finding other ways to occupy themselves. (Nothing inappropriate, so don’t get excited.)
Lucius: So, I says to the guy, “Hey, buddy, if you have a problem wiss ma past connections to the Dark Lord, just tell me.
Voldie: Oh, you tell him, Luke, you tell him.
Lucius: I did! I socked him right in the eye, man! Insultin’ me an’ ma family. Draco was only four! (Takes along swig from a bottle of beer.) He didn’t know that the Cruciatus Curse was illegal! Why, if I wasn’ feelin’ generous, I woulda done mo’ to the foo’! (Takes another drink from the bottle.)
Trelawney: Ohhh... I felt that you were unhappy, Mr. Malfoy. I really did.
Voldie: Luke, my friend. I think you are in great need some help.
Peter: (Downs a shot of whiskey.) I... am a wizard. And I am going to kiss you, Professor Trelawney! (He grabs Trelwaney around the waste and sweeps her down, tries to kiss her, misses, then falls on the floor. He has passed out.)
Draco: (He turns to Ginny with a wink.) I’ll be right back...***A. N.: DON’T SAY THAT, YOU WON’T BE BACK! DON’T YOU WATCH SCREAM?***
Ginny: (Looks concerned and a bit worried for Draco’s well-being as he leaves the corner.) Okay...
Draco: (Walks over to the adults at their little table.) Hey, Father?
Lucius: (Raises his glass.) Yes, ma boy?
Draco: Can I-
Lucius: Ya know? Draco, you’re a grown boy, nearly a man!
Ginny: (She bursts into laughter over in the corner that Hedwig, Draco and she are sitting in.)
Draco: (Glares at Ginny.)
Ginny: (Looks around innocently while whistling, although a small smirk is apparent on her face.)
Lucius: And ya know what? I think that you are old enough to have a drink. Be a man, Draco, ma boy!
Draco: Oh, well, Father, this is a surprise. Thank you ever so much. (He takes the whole bottle of alcohol and runs off to the corner with it.)
Voldie: Ya know? This is a great method of therapy. I should recommend it to my other patients.
Trelawney: It will be the downfall of your profession, Dark Lord, I can foresee it.
Peter: (Still passed out on the floor.)
Draco: (Grins evilly, and pops the top off of the bottle.)
Ginny: You know, Draco, drinking is bad for you. Maybe I should get the Dark Lord to psycho analyze you. This could be a sign of depression. You are trying to hide your pain and sorrow.
Draco: My what?
Ginny: Your-
Draco: No, I heard you. My pain and sorrow? (He takes a sip from the bottle.) I don’t have and pain and sorrow. (He takes another sip.) I am just fine, actually. Never better! Want some?
Ginny: Ew, no!
Hedwig: Hoo! Hoot hoo!
Ginny: Hedwig! No, you do not! you are not allowed to drink alcohol! You’re an owl for Pete’s sake!
Hedwig: (Pecks Ginny in the side of the head and scoots away to another corner.)
Draco: Well, if it’s for Pete’s sake, I’d say he isn’t much of a person to have sake on. He’s lying passed out on the floor...
Ginny: (Looks over at Peter lying on the floor.) What a good role model for the children.
Draco: I think he is.
Ginny: Yeah. Lets see. He goes and sells two of his best friends to a very evil, very powerful wizard, gets his another one of his friends framed for the murder, and then realizes the child of his two friends defeats the dark wizard, so goes into hiding as a rat. Does that sound appealing? Oh, and if that isn’t enough to show his greatness, he gets himself drunk and passes out on the floor of a psychiatrists office. Very positive.
Draco: Well, he is setting an example not to drink. See? Children, do not drink alcohol. It will only make you pass out on carpets and give you a great headache the next morning. And the whole selling his friends bit? Well, he is trying to teach the little children of the world not to do what he did so they will not have to live as rats for twelve years and what not. This man has morals!
Ginny: Morals? He doesn’t have morals! If he had morals he wouldn’t be in a psychiatrists office drowning himself in alcohol!
Draco: Well, you do have a point. (Looks at Peter on the floor.) B*****d.
Ginny: (Gasps in horror.) Draco!
Draco: What? What’d I do now?
Ginny: You cussed! There is no cussing allowed in this room!
Draco: I never knew there was a rule against it.
Ginny: Well, there is!
Draco: Since when?
Ginny: Since now!
Draco: Ugh, leave me alone, Weasley. Go and save the world from more traumatizing tragedies.
Ginny: (Glares at Draco and leans against the wall in frustration.) Why don’t you go away, Malfoy?
Draco: Oh, I am so hurt, Weasley. Do excuse me while I go and bawl my eyes out.
Ginny: So, Hedwig, you never did tell us why you came to the psychiatrist.
Hedwig: Hoot hoo hoo hoot. Hoot hoo, hoo hoo hoo.
Ginny: (Blinks and nods., although she does not have the slightest idea what Hedwig has just told her.) Right, well, I understand completely.
***The following bit is dedicated to Ma G. Don’t worry if it makes no sense what so ever.***
Draco: (After having about three beers.) So, Ginny?
Ginny: (Inches away from Draco, and is still completely sober.) Yeah?
Draco: Whacha doin’?
Ginny: (Inches farther.) Um, sitting here?
Draco: Really? Hey, Hedwig?
Hedwig: (Blinks.) Hoo?
Draco: Whacha doin’?
Hedwig. (Flutters up onto Ginny’s shoulders.) Hoot hoo.
Draco: (Nods as if he understands the owl.) Hey, Ginny?
Ginny: Yes, Draco?
Draco: Whacha doin’?
Ginny: Being concerned for your well being.
Draco: Hey Ginny? Whacha doin’?
Ginny: Didn’t we go over this already?
Draco: Hey, Hedwig! Whacha doin’?
Hedwig: (BLinks and stares at Draco.) Hoo.
Draco: Hey, Hedwig. Whacha doin’?
Hedwig: (Stares at Draco like he is a moron and doesn’t respond.)
Draco: (Grins stupidly and stands, sways, then proceeds over to the adults’ table.) Oy, Da! Whacha doin’?
Ginny: (In the corner. She puts her hands in her face and rubs her temples.) Ugh...
Lucius: Well, I am having a small drink with my good pals, here. Although, Pete here is takin’ a wee nap on the floor.
Draco: Hey, Trelawney! Whacha doin’?
Trelawney: Silence, child. I am getting a vision...(Goes into yet another fake trance.)
Draco: Hey, Dark-
Ginny: (Springs up from the floor, walks over to Draco, and whaps him in the head.) SHUT-UP!
Draco: (Blinks and stares at Ginny as if she is an alien. He is quiet for a moment, and then realizes what he is doing.) Hey, Ginny!
Ginny: ARGH! (She breaks a beer bottle on his head.)
Draco: (Falls to the floor with a loud thud.)
Everyone but Trelawney: (Quiets down and stares at Ginny, then looks at Draco on the floor.)
Trelawney: (Faking a trance.)
Ginny: (Looks at Draco and sees that he is bleeding slightly.) Oh, my gosh! I killed him.
Draco: (Not moving.)
Ginny: (stands rocking back and forth.) I just killed someone...I just killed someone...
Draco: (Jumps up and yells.) BOO!
Ginny: (Screams then faints.)
Draco: Bloody h*ll, I was just joking...
Act I, Scene III
Scene: Ginny has recovered from the scare of having “killed” Draco. Later on the same evening, the group is still just as crazy as earlier. The Malfoys, Professor Snape, and Voldemort are drunk and in the middle of a game of Wizard’s Strip Poker. (The face cards have moving portraits.) Snape is losing badly, and in a close second and third are Voldemort and Lucius. Draco is winning. ***I know you all want to have Draco lose strip poker, but I am sorry. I need to keep this at a PG level. Not that I write anything above PG anyways.*** Peter Pettigrew is still passed out on the floor, Professor Trelawney is still faking her trance, Ginny Weasley along with Hedwig are still 100% sober and cowering in the corner, and yes, Voldemort is still clutching his beloved plant.
Draco: (Slams his cards down on the table and grins evilly. He has a Royal Flush.) Ha! I win!
Lucius: (Growls and stands up, then points at his son across the table and glares.) LIAR! YOU CHEATED!
Draco: (Scowls and glares back.) I did not!
Lucius: Yes you did!
Draco: Did not!
Lucius: Did too!
Draco: Did not!
Lucius: Did too!
Draco: Did not!
Snape: You know, I think Draco cheated too! I saw him slip that Queen from out of his sleeve!
Draco: WHAT? I NEVER heard a bigger load of crap in my life! You just wish you were winning!
Voldie: Well, I have actually heard bigger loads, Draco, dearest.
Everyone except Peter and Trelawney: (Blinks and stares at Voldie.)
Snape: Did you just call him... dearest?
Voldie: Just a term of affection., I can assure you. Wait, that came out wrong. D*mn, right, let me rephrase that better.
Draco: Yeah, you had better. Because right now, I am very scared to be sitting next to you. (Inches away from Voldemort.)
Voldemort: (Is very frustrated and can’t talk right.)
Draco: Voldemort, do you like small boys?
Voldie: What?
Draco: Do you have a fondness for small boys?
Voldie: Geez, how’d you find out?
Everyone except Peter and Trelawney: (Inch away from Voldemort.)
Voldie: I was only joking! No, come back!
Everyone, including Trelawney: (Trelawney is pulled away from sitting near Voldie, as he may harass her. The group forms a circle and shuns Voldie, because they now think that he is a child molester. )
***Yeah, I know that’s mean, but wouldn’t you do that if a 60 year old man was hitting on your young, hot teenage son?***
Voldie: (Strokes his small plant, which had been sitting on his plant throughout the whole ordeal.) Plantella, you are my only friend. (He sets Plantella on the table and begins having a conversation with her.) Would you care for a beverage?... Yes, actually, I do have some! (He pours a small amount of the alcohol into the pot.)
Ginny: (Observing the whole scene from the corner.) Hedwig, I think that everyone has had too much to drink, what do you think?
Hedwig: Hoo. (Is perched on Ginny’s shoulder and has her head under her wing.)
Ginny: Oh, you’re sleeping. Well, that looks like a good idea. (She leans against the wall and puts Hedwig on one of her knees, which are bent up by her chest.)
Lucius: Now that the Child Molester is out of the group, shall we continue where we left off? Pete, weren’t you tal- Pete? Has anyone seen Pete? OY, PETE, WHERE ARE YA?
Draco: Father, I believe we left him on the floor over there.
Lucius: Well, what’s the crazy son of a b***h doing on the floor? (Takes a long drink from his bottle.)
Draco: He passed out. I guess he can’t handle alcohol as well as we can, Father.
Lucius: Or maybe he’s just tired?
Draco: No, Father. Don’t be stupid.
Lucius: Stupid? Why, I’ll strangle you, you little...
Voldie: I totally agree, Plantella. The world is cruel. We should- never mind. A childish thought. Tell you? Oh, no, you would laugh... Oh, yes you will! You are so funny sometimes. Are you sure? All right, I was thinking that we, you and I, that is, should... run away... together. (He pauses for a few minutes as if he is listening to Plantella.) Really? Oh, how great! I’ll go pack!
Snape: That man has gone mad. Truly mad.
Lucius: That’s what happens to even the best, I suppose, Snape my good man.
Snape: You don’t own me. (Gives a dirty look at Lucius.)
Lucius: I never said that I did.
Snape: You said, “Snape, my good man.” That indicates to me that you feel like you own me. (Takes a deep, quivering breath.) And you don’t! I’m not your slave anymore! You can’t control me!
Draco: (Gives Lucius and Snape odd looks.) So, anyways...
Everyone in the room: (Hears a knock at the door.)
Fred Weasley: (Turns the door knob, opens the door, and enters the room.) Oy! Ginny! You told us you would be done here a few hours ago! We have been waiting for...(He checks his watch.) three bloody hours! Why are you surrounded by these gits?
Ginny: (Jumps with a start from her sleep.) Fred!
Fred: Yes, that’s me.
Ginny: I, um, well... needed extra...help.
Voldie: (Leaps from his chair and swings his arm dramatically.) I don’t know you! Get out! You can’t take her!
Fred: WHAT? GINNY! IT’S YOU- KNOW- WHO! What are you doing hanging around with him? He glares at Voldemort.) Stay away from her!
Voldie: You can not separate us! No matter what!
Fred: She is my sister and needs to come home! Ginny, why are you near this crazy man?
Voldie: No! (Looks around the room frantically.) I love her! You can’t take her away from me!
Fred: (Starts to walk over to Ginny with caution and outstretches his arm to Ginny.) She’s too young for you...
Voldie: (Moves his arm violently, and tries to clutch his plant.) No! Plantella, tell them! Tell them you want to stay! (As he moves his hand about the table he knocks over the plant and it falls slowly to the ground.)
Plantella: (Hits the ground with a thud. All the dirt falls out and one stem breaks.)
Fred, Ginny, and Voldie: (Stare at the fallen plant.)
Voldie: (Cries out in agony.) Nooo! Look what you have done, fiend! You tried to take her from me and now she has DIED! You will pay dearly!
Fred: (Grabs Ginny by the arm and pulls her out of the door and slams it shut.)
Hedwig: (Observing.)
Ginny: (Runs back into the room and scoops Hedwig up into her arms, then runs back out quickly.)
Voldie: (Watches Ginny run back in, then out again, and turns to his fallen love.) I will get you help, my love...(He sets the pot back upright and starts to refill it with soil. He puts a bandage on the broken stem and Plantella is back to full health.) There you go, my dearest.
Plantella: (Sitting in a pot.)
Peter: (On the ground.)
Harry: (Opens the door and peeks his head in. Then, after a moment’s pause, he steps into the room and shuts the door behind him.) Er... hey. I was just... looking for Hedwig: she was supposed to be here. Has anyone- GREAT WIZARDS! (He sees Voldemort, jumps back, then pulls out his wand.)
Voldie: (He is too much into his love life to pay any attention.)
Plantella: (In a pot )
Peter: (Unconscious.)
Harry: Right...er...well... What are YOU doing here? (He looks at Draco warily.)
Draco: My dad needed help. (He takes a drink of beer from the bottle.) Want some? (He pffers the bottle to Harry.)
Harry: (Death glare.) No. I don’t drink.
Draco: Baby...
Lucius: Harry! Welcome, welcome! Come on and take a seat, lad! We’re having a party! (He tries to stand, but topples over and falls on the floor.)
Harry: Professor... Mr. Malfoy... Why don’t you have clothes on? (He inches away slowly.)
Lucius: We do! I still have on my boxers!
Snape: (Grumbles and then jumps when he sees Harry.) GET OUT OF HERE! 20 POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR!
Voldie: Sh, bad boy. Don’t speak! (Throws a lump of cheese at Snape.)
Harry: We aren’t in school yet, Sir...
Draco: (Whispering.) They’re just soar that I beat them at cards...
Harry: (Glares and backs away.) Don’t talk to me!
Lucius: Oh, don’t be a Party Pooper, Potter! C’MON OVER! Hey, that’s a song! Come on over, come on over, baby! (He starts to dance around,, snapping his fingers.)
Everyone who is paying attention: (Sigh and cover their ears.)
Harry: (Throws a cup at Lucius’ head.) Shut up, you bloody git!
Lucius: (Rubs his head.) Ow...Geez, you big jerk...(He drinks from his beer bottle. Then, he turns to Harry, and starts to chase him around the room.) C’mere! Fight like a man!
Harry: Gah! (He starts to sprint, then turns and runs around the table.)
Draco: (Sticks out his foot and trips his father, then turns and whistles innocently.)
Harry: (Runs, then tries to sneak up on Lucius.)
Lucius: (Growls and smacks Draco in the head.) Stupid boy... I almost had him! (Looks around the room, then sees Harry behind him.) Argh!
Harry: (Tackles Lucius to the ground, then shoves him in the hallway, locking the door.) Geez... the crazy git...
Draco: (Trips Harry.)
Harry: (Falls.)
Lucius: (Starts to bang on the door.) Lemme in! Master, can you hear me? They have locked me out!
Voldie: (Stroking his plant.) Shhh, bad boy. No noise, please, you will wake my wife. (He throws a lump of cheese at the door.)
Harry and Draco: (Blink and stare at Voldie, then the door, then the cheese.)
Harry: What is that all about?
Draco: I’m afraid I can’t rally explain...
Harry: Well, I think I’ll be going now. He unlocks the door, and opens it, only to be attacked by Lucius.)
Lucius: (Holding Harry by the back of his shirt, who is kicking and hitting him.) I HAVE HIM, MASTER! LOOK! I’VE CAUGHT POTTER FOR YOU! (He throws Harry onto the table in front of Voldemort.)
Voldie: Shhh, bad boy. (He throws cheese at Lucius.)
Lucius: (Is hit in the head with the cheese. He throws it back at Voldie, only misses at hits Snape.)
Snape: Argh! Who threw that? Potter! I’ll wring your neck for that! (He leaps to his feet and starts to walk towards Harry.)
Harry: (Climbs off of the table and runs into the hall, the shut the door and flees down the stairs.)
Snape: (Stops, then goes back to his chair, making sure he hits Lucius in the head before he sits down.)
Draco: So, what exactly was the point in him coming in? To show off his scar? Oh, yea, Potter has a scar! Let’s have a national Holiday, why don’t we?
Trelawney: Oh... Boy, your negativity is clouding-
Snape: (Interrupts her by shoving the cheese in her mouth.) Hold your tongue, you wind bag.
Voldemort: (Jumps from his chair, which falls to the floor.) WHICH OF YOU DID IT? (He points an accusing finger at each person in turn.) WHO STOLE MY WIFE?!