English Words

Caitlin Lee

Rating: PG13
Genres: Angst, Romance
Relationships: Harry & Hermione
Book: Harry & Hermione, Books 1 - 5
Published: 11/09/2004
Last Updated: 11/09/2004
Status: completed

Hermione is thinking about Harry and she comes to a decision. It's just a one shot that I somehow wrote, I usually don't like angst but it just happened. WARNING: Extremely angsty and has character death.

Chapters

1. Words

1. Words

Disclaimer: I don't own any of it. I am not making money. It all belongs to somebody else.

I always made sure I used proper syntax, because I am perfectionist. I expected nothing but the best from others, and myself, even if it was not what they expected from me. My parents always said I tied to hard and if I didn't slow down I would regret it. They were right, and for one of the few times in my life where I've been wrong, I was where I should have known better. I didn't say goodbye to him and he died. He's dead. He's in heaven. He's with Ron again. I didn't say goodbye because I pushed him to hard. I pushed me too hard. I wish I would have slowed down that day his life ended. But it's too late for that. There's nothing I can do but wish I would have said goodbye and I love you.

Did you know there are seventeen Inuit expressions for the word snow? There is only one English word for the most powerful feeling in all the word, love. There should be infinite. I loved him so much. I can't even say it like I want to. I want to say it to him with beautiful words that sound exquisite to his ears. I want it to take a lifetime to say. But this simple one word is only one syllable and four letters long. It is a meagre little word that cannot live up to its definition. It is also abstract. It means something different to every human being in the world. When I say the word love to you, the vibrations that make the sound pass through your ears and meet receptors. The receptors pass on the signal to neurons in your brain that deduce that I have said the word love. Your brain then identifies the word with experiences you have labelled love. The meaning then becomes drawn from instances in your past; like a movie, date, or your first kiss. You can never know exactly what I mean with this simple little word, which makes the human race a remarkable species. It amazes me that based on this system people can live somewhat harmoniously together.

I did not live in perfect harmony with him. Everyday was perilous; we were faced with the unknown and for me, that was particularly daunting. But somehow I managed to survive, because he was there for me while I was there for him. I remember this specific moment when we were sitting in the common room together. It wasn't an amazing moment. It was just a small piece in time when we were together and carefree. We were sitting in the common room, the three of us, at a table doing our homework. Well, I was doing my homework while Ron and Harry were trying to hide from me a game of hangman. I kept looking at them every so often and they would quickly return to their books, trying to cover it up. As soon as I'd look back down, I could see out of the corner of my eye the big grins they had on their faces for thinking that they were so clever. I knew about it, but I didn't let it on that I did. It was moments like those in which I felt love for him the most.

There was another time, right after this Quidditch game against Ravenclaw, and I asked Harry how he thought he played. He thought hard about his answer, harder than he would if he was asked about a Potions question. He would answer honestly. He knew when he played well and when he didn't. I always valued that in him. I don't know why I remember these silly moments - maybe it was because only then he truly emerged as himself.

One of my favourite memories is when Harry and I were sitting in the Three Broomsticks and he went to the washroom. While he was gone, I had got him a butterbeer that was sitting on the table for him when he returned. His smile was too bright for that tiny gesture.

Mostly, I loved him so much because he loved me. No one had ever loved me like he did. He knew I had faults and he made fun of them, but he saw something in me that I was completely blind to. He loved me with devotion. He told me I was beautiful, even thought I knew I wasn't. He was my life and my saviour. He loved me. No one will ever love me the way he did. I won't even give them the chance. I will be his forever.

I have been planning on suicide for a while now. I've been working up the courage despite all the therapy I've received. I will apparate to Godric's Hollow and I will go the place where it all started. I will end all physical processes happening in my body. I am not going to die, because I will be with him again. We will both become alive with our reunion, and we will love each other for all eternity.

I do not know if this is what you want, Harry, but I know I would want it if I died. I know that is selfish of me but I could not be dead while you are alive, yet lifeless. I know this word I am about to say to you is taken granted for the most, and people say when they don't mean it. They also say it when they shouldn't and forget to when they should. When it is said with real intent it isn't believed. But Harry, I say it to you now: I am truly sorry that I am not strong enough to live without you, because I love you.

A/N: I do not know what possessed me to write that. But I hope you enjoyed it though. Reviews are greatly appreciated! If you want to read something to make your day a bit happier, read: It's My Birthday Today. It's just pure fun and giggles.

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