Someone Cast A Riddikulus Spell On My Life!

cew-smoke

Rating: PG13
Genres: Romance, Humor
Relationships: Harry & Hermione
Book: Harry & Hermione, Books 1 - 5
Published: 26/09/2004
Last Updated: 02/10/2004
Status: completed

The madman of angst is taking a short break from heartache to take a step into the unknown. Humor. Pointless nonsense for the sake of being silly. This will be a very short series about Harry's life after graduating from Hogwarts. To put it plainly, his life is utterly riddikulus. Please be aware these characters are NOT 'in' character for this little ditty. Hope you enjoy it!

Chapters

1. Life Can Be So Funny

2. One Part Sweet / One Part Super-Freak

3. Are We There Yet?

4. The Dragon King

5. A Mind Is A Terrible Thing

6. Who Got Krums All Over My Bed?

7. Nothing To Laugh About

1. Life Can Be So Funny

Life Can Be So Funny

Where do I begin? The road has been a long one, and I’m glad to have it behind me. Do you ever feel like the kind of person that when you were born, fate took one look at you and laughed it up so hard that it got winded? Well, that person is definitely me. To think that the best years of my life have been plagued with nothing but spiteful teachers, evil plotters, vicious murderers, radical zealots and a dark lord. And that was all while going to school. The one good thing that came out of all of it? I’m a pretty darn good wizard. I had surpassed the highest expectations of even those who knew me best. Now, that part of my life is done and a bright and cheery future lie ahead of me. As a matter of fact my life is so wonderful that I decided to climb a tall mountain, simply so I could hurl myself off of it. Oh, yeah, things simply could not get any better than they are right now.

Ron decided to follow in his brother’s footsteps and work with dragons at the Romania Dragon Reserve. I got all of one letter from my very bestest friend in the whole world. It went something like this:

Hi Harry,

I’m in Romania. It’s great here. I’ll write you again as soon as I get settled in. By the way, I met a really nice girl out here. She’s been showing me around. Well, I gotta go!

Ron

That was eight months ago. Yep, yep, yep my bestest friend. What a great guy. Hermione decided to head out to Bulgaria to visit Krum. She wrote me once as well:

Harry,

This place is great. I’ve really enjoyed learning the history of Durmstrang from Viktor. Anyway, I’ve decided to stay a bit longer. He has been a wonderful host. He even invited me to travel with him to visit his family. I thought it would be a nice gesture for me to go. I’ll write soon.

Hermione

She was doing a little better than Ron. Her letter came about five months ago. Unless you of course count the wedding announcement she had recently sent. She was getting married a week from Tuesday.

I also got some other good news. Dumbledore had decided to retire and McGonagall had been invited to be the new headmaster. I was happy for her. However, Dumbledore decided that retirement involved moving to Bermuda. I haven’t heard from him at all. The last I heard was Lupin and Hagrid had decided Bermuda was a good idea as well. They left last month.

The only person who seemed to be deleriously happy about everything was Uncle Vernon. When I had come home from school at the end of the seventh year, he had packed everything that I owned, which fit nicely into an old toaster box. There was a note attached to it.

Harry,

Goodbye.

Vernon

I had finally convinced the Weasley’s to share in my wealth, as I would never be able to use it all. It took a lot of talking, but in the end they agreed to take it. Two weeks later they moved to the south of France. How nice for them I thought; especially since I had been staying in Ron’s old room up until then.

I also heard some wonderful news about Draco Malfoy. He apparently had met a family from northern Germany that had a beautiful daughter. They got married and already have a kid on the way. Did I mention that his new wife has more money than Hades? As if Draco wasn’t filthy rich as it was, he more than doubled his net worth. There was another great rumor that Crabbe and Goyle had been cleared of all charges regarding their death-eater status. It was also rumored they both found true love; apparently it was with each other. At least they were happy, I thought.

I decided it was time to go buy a little place for myself. As I was looking for just the right house, I realized that I really didn’t want to buy a little place for myself. The whole idea of a little place for myself made me want to spew my lunch, coming right down to the heart of the matter. So, instead of worrying about all that and letting it get me down, I decided to come up here.

Shortly before I began my trek, I wrote out my last will and testament. I left everything I have to Peeves. Pretty much because the idea made me laugh so hard I started to snort. I took one last look down and then closed my eyes. I took a deep breath, then exhaled and then did the world’s most exquisite swan dive. If I was in the muggle-Olympics I have no doubt I would have gotten at least a 9.85, depending on the starting level difficulty. To bad I had not looked that up before I jumped.

Just to show you how funny life can be, at about a forty feet down I hit a large root that had somehow grown down and out. Well, I really didn’t hit it, my pants did though. The funny thing is that they had somehow gotten caught on one of the belt loops. These were some well tailored pants, let me tell you. The odd part was that the front hook was not nearly as strong, so my pants quickly became unhooked and the zipper opened from all my weight pulling on it. I somehow flipped over and fell just far enough to where my pants were down around my ankles. The branch was still holding them quite nicely. I, of course, was fully upside-down, which gave me a bit of a head-rush.

So, we’ve come full circle and I am now looking down a cliff that I would estimate to be about two thousand feet to the ground below. It’s a great day… fresh air, the birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m pretty sure there is a seriously jagged canyon at the bottom of this wonderful cliff. It’s going to be great.

I have been hanging here for about an hour now and it’s starting to get a bit cold around the privates. I figured, heck, it’s all just a part of the fun and games. I heard the sound of flapping wings. I did my best to look around, but I had a hard time concentrating as the wind was beginning to blow dirt into my eyes. I felt a quick nip. Well, for goodness sake, it was my faithful friend Hedwig. Found me all the way up here, just to bring me a letter. I have nothing better to do, so I grab the letter and unroll it. Let me tell you, it is quite the trick reading upside down like this. It took me a bit, but I finally read it all:

Harry,

Hi, I hope you’re doing well. I just wanted you to know that I am getting an apartment in Germany. I’ve dropped out of school, because I wanted to live closer to Draco. Especially since we’ve started having an affair. I was wondering if you might come up and share my flat with me. It’s a bit pricey, so I could use help with the rent. Plus, I could really, really use your help with plotting a way to kill off Brunhilde, Draco’s wife.

Lots of love,

Ginny

Oooh, oooh, a reason to live! This is the best news I’ve gotten in the past hour. I pat myself down to see if I can find my wand. I look up at my pants and notice that they are the blue pants. Ahh crap! I left my wand in the black pants!

2. One Part Sweet / One Part Super-Freak

One Part Sweet / One Part Super-Freak

I owed a debt of gratitude to Luna. She was such a nice girl. Always had a nice thing to say about everybody, except for Ron. When she found out Ron had taken up with some Romanian girl, she started to become a bit more unhinged than usual. She had taken that old wonderful lion head she had made for the big quidditch match at school a few years ago, and made a few key changes. Sometimes, when I came over to her place, she would be stark naked running around with the thing on her head. However, it did not roar anymore. It made a chewing and crunching sound and whenever its mouth opened you could hear Ron screaming as if he was being eaten alive. I knew it was unhealthy for her to dwell, but who was I to criticize someone’s coping mechanism.

I was able to bite my lip hard enough to draw a bit of blood while I had been hanging upside down up on that mountain. I wrote with my finger on the back of the letter Ginny had sent me. I asked Luna to please get my wand from my other pants and owl it back to me and then sent it off with Hedwig. I was only trapped up there for about eleven hours, but you know it really gave me time to think. Mainly, I decided that I didn’t like hanging upside down for eleven hours.

So, I was currently on the Knight Bus and was getting a ride to a little town nestled away in Germany. I was told it was a tad out of their way and they usually didn’t take passengers that far. I gave everyone on the bus thirty galleons each and they all seemed to think that going to do a little sight-seeing in Germany was just what the doctor, or in this case healer, ordered. It was a highly pleasant ride, in which not once but twice a sweet little boy had dropped his lunch on my lap. The real problem being that he had already eaten it. I smiled at the mother, who for some reason thought it best to ignore the whole situation altogether. I just love how some parents are so concerned with people’s welfare aside from their own. It makes me all warm and fuzzy inside.

The bus had finally made it to our destination. As I was getting off a number of the passengers clapped and cheered on my behalf. I knew it was because they were happy to see me arrive safely at my destination. Although, thinking back it might have been the thirty galleons that did it. Nevertheless, I had arrived and had every plan to enjoy the sights of beautiful Vilabighoffenschplork, a quaint little wizarding town nestled in a quiet part of the countryside. I took one look around and found what I had been looking for, a small pub just across the street. I read the sign out front and sure enough it was the place Ginny had told me to meet her at. I sauntered on in and started to look for her.

It was easy to spot her. She was such a cute little thing. She was wearing all black leather and she had put a long, black streak down the middle of her flaming red hair. She had recently gotten some new piercings, but I lost count after about fifteen. It was really good to see her. She saw me and waved enthusiastically. I walked over and plunked myself down in the chair right next to her. I noticed that when I did a number of the male wizards in the pub began to scowl quite seriously at me. Apparently, Ginny was quite popular in town and the men-folk thought I was a new bit of competition.

“Don’t worry about them,” Ginny said. “I may look the part, but I don’t let anyone near this body. I’m saving myself for Draco. Well, right after I put my foot all the way up his arse and then beat him unconscious a few times. Then, we can get down to the fun part.”

She always had a way with words. She was like the little sister I never had. One look at her and you can see why Ron was so proud of her. I seem to remember the last thing he said about her was, “Who Ginny? Never heard of her.” That Ron, he was such a kidder.

“So,” I asked her, “where’s this little flat you ran across?”

“Well, it isn’t exactly a regular flat. There’s not a whole lot to rent in this town, so I jumped on the chance at renting the upstairs of a local bakery. They converted it to a nice place to live, but after they had nine kids, decided they needed a bigger house. The rent is pretty reasonable though; only a galleon a month. I don’t exactly have an income right now, so I could use the help.”

“It’s no problem,” I told her honestly, “I was looking to get out of town anyhow. This will be a great chance to do just that. And, with a bakery just downstairs I can stick it to the man by loading up on the carbs and gaining thirty or forty pounds.”

“What man are you exactly sticking it to?” Ginny asked.

“Uh, well, I guess in this case, I’d be sticking it to the woman. Just wait until Hermione realizes that after Viktor dumps her and she comes crawling back to me, I’ll be all fat and happy.”

“Yeah,” responded Ginny, “that’ll show her alright.”

She seemed to be rolling her eyes into the back of her head when she said that last line. I think she must have been trying to see what the inside of her eyelids look like. I could have told her to not bother. I already tried it and it doesn’t work.

Speaking of bakeries though, I really love baked goods. They make me do happy dances. Which, I felt should be toned down while living with Ginny. I knew she liked dancing, but I heard rumor that her style was a bit more exotic then what I could probably do. Especially after eating a half dozen cinnamon rolls. Mmmm, mmmm.

“Harry, come on. Let’s get out of here. We can go crash at our place until morning. I know you must be really tired. We can catch up on things. To be honest, I’ve really missed you. You’ve always been a good friend to me.”

I was fairly touched by her last statement. I always tried to be nice to Ginny for two reasons. I felt kind of bad for her, because being in such a big family it was easy to get lost in the shuffle. Secondly, of course, was because I was scared of her. She could cast a mean bat bogey hex. I’d seen it in action. She was a witch to be reckoned with. That brings me to the reason why I would so readily agree to help her win over Draco’s heart. She would get exactly what she wanted from their relationship at all times, or she would punish him. I’ll leave it up to you to figure out exactly how that would play out. Thinking about it brought a happy, happy feeling to my tummy.

As we were walking towards my new home, I began to think about Hermione. I missed her almost all the time now. When she left it made kind of a funny hole in my heart. When I got her wedding announcement, notice how I did not say invitation there, the hole got even bigger. She didn’t even want me to come. That fateful night when she decided to leave, I tried to tell her how much I cared about her and would miss her terribly if she were to go, but she didn’t want to listen. Well, I assume that she didn’t want to, because she didn’t even bother to turn her broom around when I tried shouting to her after she was about a half mile away. Women!

We had finally arrived at the bakery. It smelled absolutely wonderful. I fully intended to spend a large amount of my fortune here in the very near future. Ginny started to pull me away to the door in the alleyway. Apparently, me pressing my lips against the front glass and making yummy sounds made her a bit uncomfortable. So, upstairs we went and into my very own flat, roommate pre-included. It was quite nice. I would go so far as to say that if there were not a bakery downstairs that this would be a nice place to retire in.

Ginny threw herself onto a big, comfy looking couch in the middle of the living room. I did it to, but it was hard to understand what she was saying, so I got off her.

“Harry, you are a serious nut lately. Whatever happened to you? I kind of thought you were always going to be there for us… for me. Now, everyone is gone and you didn’t even lift a finger to stop them. What’s wrong?”

I thought about it for a minute and gave an honest answer, “I’m not really sure. I guess when Ron left I felt sort of abandoned. Then Hermione left and then I got her wedding announcement. That kind of threw my whole universe into a tailspin. I miss her. I had always kind of thought, well it doesn’t matter now I guess.”

Ginny looked at me. “You kind of thought you two would always get together?”

“Yeah,” I replied a bit lamely.

She chewed on that a bit and said earnestly, “To be honest, I always thought you two would hook up as well. It kind of makes me lose my faith in love to hear she’s marrying creepy ol’ Vikky”

“Oh, what am I going to do Ginny? I’m a complete wreck.”

“I have an idea,” she told me, “we still have some time. Let’s come up with a plan. How can we fix your problem and mine all at the same time?”

I thought and I thought and the only thing I could come up with was, “How about this? We go to Romania and kidnap Ron; then we go to Bulgaria and drop Krum down a long, dark well and snag Hermione; then we go and grab Luna and bring her here as well, might as well get Neville while we’re in the area; then we’ll go and get Brunhilde and drop her down the same well as Viktor and you can steal away Malfoy. After we get them all together we’ll move down to Bermuda. I hear it’s really nice down there. What do you think?”

“What do I think?! I think you are the single most intelligent person I have ever met.” Ginny exclaimed with sheer delight in her eyes.

“Really?” I said, “Smarter than Hermione?”

“Well no, not smarter than Hermione.”

“Well, smarter than Dumbledore?”

“No, not really smarter than Dumbledore either.”

“Alright, then what about Hagrid am I smarter than Hagrid?”

Ginny pursed her lips for a second, “Yes, smarter than Hagrid.”

“Hah!” I said. I knew I was smarter than someone. I was kind of hoping it would be a bit higher on the scale, but I wasn’t going to argue semantics.

“I’m kind of beat, Harry. We have a big day ahead of us tomorrow. We’re going to be doing a lot of traveling and I need to pack for about three different climates. So, I’ll see you in the morning.”

“Right, so where do I sleep?”

Ginny pointed, “There’s like three bedrooms that are sitting empty upstairs, near mine. Go up and take your pick.”

“Can I sleep in your room?”

“Umm, Harry, no offense, but that boat left the harbor about three years ago.”

“You mean the boat was in the harbor at some point?”

Ginny’s mouth stood open, “Did you really have no idea? Boy you really are clueless sometimes.”

“So, there’s no chance of you and I ever…”

Ginny just about went on a condescending tirade, but her face went suddenly quite soft, which underneath all those piercings was quite the accomplishment.

“Harry, if you really, really want to still be with me, then yes, you can sleep in my room tonight.”

“Really, really?” I said.

“Sure, but I’ll be sleeping somewhere else.”

Those Weasleys, they’re all such a bunch of kidders. Plus, Hermione was the only girl for me. I was saving myself for her. Unless you count that one time with the twins Parvati and Padma, but I decided that really didn’t count, because they were never actually there. Ah, the foibles of youth. Anyway, time to get some sleep. I have the most wonderful girl in the whole darn world to kidnap, I mean rescue. Yep, rescue, that’s the word I was looking for.

3. Are We There Yet?

Are We There Yet?

That next morning we ended up getting quite a late start. Ginny and I had spent the better part of the morning catching up on each other’s lives. I always wondered if you spend the better part of doing something, then what happens to the worse part and what did you do during it, and how come you can’t remember it? Hmmm, too bad Hermione isn’t around, I could ask her about that. Anyway, after an excellent variety of breads with jam and pastries for breakfast it was time to go find Ron. My plan was already unfolding exactly as I had imagined it. Well at least up till now. Okay, really the only thing I had planned on up to this point was getting up and eating breakfast, but hey! Mission accomplished.

We were off to rescue Ron from certain doom, or at least from a certain young Romanian girl. Ginny and I were both packed and ready to go. Ginny was wearing a delightful ensemble to begin our journey; a dark green faux leather halter top and a nice, casual pair of black jean shorts. I, on the other hand, was in a sensible tank top and khaki pants. Together we practically screamed adventure. Which, unbeknownst to the two of us, was exactly what we were embarking on.

To be completely honest, I was pretty upset with Ron for never writing to me. I’m sure he was caught up in his new job and from what I could guess, a new woman in his life. I thought about Luna running around naked in her flat lamenting the loss of him in her life and I kind of got angry. Ron had promised her when he left that as soon as his life was in order he would send for her. That never happened and it broke her heart. Something I was currently dealing with myself. Then I thought about Luna naked some more, but that was counter productive. I needed to keep my mind focused.

“Mmmmm, look Ginny, they just put out a new batch of sticky buns!”

“Oh, for… Harry don’t make me do something that you’ll regret. Come on.”

Oh well, it was for the best, we had already lost too much time as it is. Ginny had arranged for us to make use of a nearby semi-permanent portkey. It would drop us off on a platform nine and three quarters in Romania. Apparently, wizards aren’t very original, as every major train station in Europe used the same platform number for their train stops. This train, however, made a scheduled stop right near the Dragon Reserve where Ron and his brother Charlie were working. The whole trip was only going to take a couple hours. It is so good to be a wizard.

“Ginny?”

“Yeah, Harry?”

“Can I talk to you about something serious for a second?”

Ginny looked at me, “Of course Harry. To be honest, I was beginning to wonder if the old Harry I knew and loved was still in there somewhere.”

“I want to talk to you about Draco.”

“Oh, here we go, what is this lecture time from you too? You think I haven’t heard it all from my own family?”

“Ginny, I am your own family. At least a part of it anyways.”

I got her on that one. Her mouth dropped open for a second and then closed and she was ready to listen.

“I know you have a thing for Draco. I’m not sure what it is exactly, but I guess you must care for him quite a bit to go through all of this. As wild as you are, I never would have figured you for the kind of person to have an affair. Do you truly hate this Brunhilde that much?”

“I… well… no, I guess I don’t really ‘hate’ her. I just want her out of the picture.”

“Why, so she can raise their child on her own?”

“Huh? Wait, that’s not exactly fair Harry.”

“It wasn’t meant to be. There’s more people involved then just Draco and you in this. There are two other people who are going to get their lives ruined. I’m not telling you what to do. I just want you to make sure that you want this enough to do what you’re trying to do.”

After that, Ginny was really quiet. I’m not sure if what I said was going to make any difference. She’s smart and I’m sure she’s already thought this all the way through.

“Harry, I guess I never really thought this all the way through.”

“Well, I’ve been wrong before. I wasn’t sure what I could say after that, so I let the subject drop. Time will tell what decision Miss Weasley was going to come to on the whole matter. I decided to see if I could give a bad boy makeover to Neville. Ginny might fancy him if I did that. He always loved Ginny, but never said a word to anyone in all these years. Except to moaning myrtle that one time, who told Pansy Parkinson one time when she accidentally used Myrtle’s bathroom stall, who in turn thought it would be really funny to send a howler to Neville announcing the fact that the boy was butt-crazy in love with Ginny. Which, was bad enough, except that it was delivered smack in the middle of the sixth year Yule Ball in front of everyone. That was a bit rough. I felt bad for the boy. I never told a soul this, but when I went up to the common room later, I saw him sitting on the couch. When he saw me come in he was wiping tears from his face, but he tried to hide it. His life was already hard enough as it is, so I kept it to myself.”

“Ummm, Harry you’re thinking out loud,” Ginny informed me.

“I was most certainly not, I thought to myself. Then I went back and checked the above paragraph and sure enough the whole thing was in quotes. Ginny had me to dead to rights.”

“Uh, you’re doing it again.”

Crap.

Ginny and I had made it to the town hall. Just inside was a whole bunch of eclectic antiques. Apparently every one of them was a portkey, from what Ginny told me. In one particularly cluttered area we found the one we were looking for. It was an old bludger that had obviously been de-commissioned. I proceeded to unhook the strap holding it down to get a better look at it.

“Harry, what the hell are you doing?” Ginny screamed at me.

I was just about to answer her, but the portkey to Romania had just clocked me square in the face. That was one seriously painful way to travel. I was instantly whizzed across time and space, only to wind up in a small train station. A few seconds later Ginny appeared with a bludger shaped bruise on her forehead. Then wouldn’t you know it, a whole bunch of other people decided they wanted to come too. There was at least twelve other people there from the little town of Vilabighoffenschplork, that had ported in. It was good to see so many folks interested in traveling these days.

After saying our goodbyes and, at Ginny’s insistence, handing out thirty galleons to everybody for spending money, as most of them had forgotten to pack anything before they came; all of them seemed to be a lot happier. It truly touches me to help other people. It’s a part of who I am. You know, the real me.

I had bought us both train tickets and we were on our way. I can’t remember the name of the town the reserve was in, but the ticket seller assured us that the conductor would call out each of the stops as we got close to them. We found a quiet little car to get comfortable in and we both took a nice nap. I awoke about an hour later and noticed that Ginny was staring out the window at the Romanian country side.

When she noticed I was awake she asked, “So, what you were thinking out loud about Neville, is that true? Was he crying?”

“He was. I can’t remember seeing him more sad or more humiliated then at that exact moment,” I told her truthfully.

“I always thought it was just a trick on me. You know some Slytherin trying to make my life miserable.”

“Nope. It wasn’t a trick on you at all. It was a terribly cruel joke on Neville. You were just the bait used to hurt him.”

Ginny bit her lip quite hard, “I never knew that. Poor Neville. Oh, I feel so bad for him I could just sleep with him right here and now.”

“Well, that probably would help him feel better about the whole thing, however it is also highly likely that the shock of you even saying something like that in front of him would cause a spontaneous heart attack killing him right then and there,” I prodded only half-joking. “Neville is a sweet boy and I’m not sure he would know how to handle a girl like you.”

Ginny sighed with a twisty little smile, “Don’t worry Harry. I would be gentle with him. I know he’s a bit on the fragile side.”

“Maybe when it comes to love,” I replied, “but the boy has the heart of a lion. I have no doubt he would have given his life for you back in the year of the ol’ heinous anus herself, Umbridge.”

“Harry?”

“Yeah?”

“Stop, freaking complicating my already stupidly complicated life. You’re giving me a headache.”

I told her I thought the headache was from the bludger mark on her head, not from me talking about Neville. She laughed at that, and then hit me right in the face. Dang it! Right where the stupid bludger had hit me. I couldn’t help but smile. Those Weasleys, they’re such kidders.

I saw a familiar woman walk past our door. She just happened to glance at us and then a smile crept across her face. She opened the door and sure enough it was the little kid from the Knight Bus. She pushed him in and then closed the door and ran. The little boy looked up at me and blinked.

“Are we there yet?”

“Ummm, where are you headed to?”

“Are we there yet?”

“Well, no not yet. I’m sure we’ll be wherever it is soon,” I said with a smile.

“Are we there yet?”

“No, not yet,” I insisted.

“Are we there yet?”

I looked up at Ginny, but she was lost in her thoughts. Probably thinking about Draco and/or Neville.

“Are we there yet?”

I patted the boy on the head gently and told him again that we were indeed not there yet.

“Are we there yet?”

I opened the window to the outside and poked my head out to get a little fresh air. I considered jumping.

“Are we there yet?”

I started asking myself the same question. I have to remember the next time I see that wonderful mother to thank her for letting me spend some quality time with her son.

“Are we there yet?”

I began to sing a little tune loud enough that I frightened a number of the native cows in the area. Above it all I could still hear his cherubic little voice.

“Are we there yet?”

“AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!”

4. The Dragon King

The Dragon King

We had just arrived at the stop near the dragon reserve. I looked down at the boy and told him we were finally there. Of course, I have no idea of what stop he was getting off at, but it seemed to make him happy. He tried to follow us off the train, but we ran and ended up losing him somewhere in the dining car using a series of complex flanking maneuvers. Sometimes, it’s difficult to be humble when you are an insidious genius like myself. I began to laugh maniacally, but stopped when Ginny furrowed her eyebrows at me. It’s hard to be so misunderstood.

We walked up to a nice enough looking fellow on the train platform and asked him if he knew where the reserve was located. He informed us that all we had to do was head north on the main road until it turns into dirt and keep following it for about a half mile and then we’d see it, or most likely smell it from there. I thought how great it is that no matter where we go, everyone’s native language was English. It made me realize how much respect I had for the author of this story, to be so enlightened with his oppressive English-centric version of reality. Moving on, we thanked the nice man for the directions and began to make our way. Ginny later asked me why we would be able to smell it.

“Dragon poo,” I said, “very caustic stuff.”

I imagined all the jokes that I could tell her about that, but then I remembered the author of the story doesn’t do potty humor. I was really upset about that, because I really enjoy good potty humor, but what can I do? I’m just a fictional character. So, I decided to get him back by saying, ‘dragon poo,’ a whole bunch of times in the next part of the story. I began to snicker and thought about how funny this was going to be.

“Dragon poo!”

“What?” Ginny asked.

“Dragon poo!” I replied with enthusiasm.

“Uh, huh? And you’re telling me this why?” she asked with one of her eyebrows raised.

“I don’t know,” I answered, “I just like to say dragon poo.”

“Oookay, then. You just go ahead and do that Harry.” she said with a dismissive wave.

I went ahead and made up a little song, right there on the spot. It went a little like this:

OOOOOOOOhhhh, dragon poo!

Sweet dragon poo!

I love you so, yes I doooooooo!

Because it’s funny to say dragon poo!

The song had about twenty seven more verses, but it was getting hard to keep the material original. Plus, if I kept on going, the author might kill me off

“Harry?” Ginny said in a highly irritated voice, “What is wrong with you? You seriously need to have Hermione back in your life. If you sing one more verse of your ‘dragon poo’ song. I will be forced to do terrible, horrible things to you.”

I sat there looking at her with sweet rapture in my eyes. She tried hard not to notice, but after awhile I think it started to make her nervous.

“What?!” she finally exclaimed.

“You are so sexy when you say ‘dragon poo’. I wonder if Hermione would say that for me.”

“Errrr… you need help Harry.”

Well, back to more important issues. We had just come across where the road changed from being paved, to being a single lane dirt road. I assumed that they had this place so far out here to prevent anything terrible from happening if one of the dragons escaped. When we got closer I knew that I was wrong... terribly wrong.

“Ha-rry, I…” Ginny was trying not to lose her lunch, “I have never smelled something so vile in my entire life!”

I wanted to make a snappy comment, but my gag reflex was on high alert. I could barely take a breath without having to have a serious talk with my esophagus about keeping the peace with my stomach and large intestines. I had a hard time imagining myself wanting to work here. What were those Weasley boys thinking?

By the time we made it to the front gate, we were both leaning on each other for support. It was the longest half mile I have ever walked in all my years. But for our love of Ron, we pushed ourselves and accomplished the nigh impossible. If he did not appreciate what we were doing for him, I decided to hold him down while Ginny hurt him in all kinds of new and inventive ways.

“Do you think that Ron will come back with us?” I asked her.

“What do you mean? We’re just going to take him back with us, right?”

“Well, yeah, but what if he’s really happy here?”

Ginny thought about that for a minute and then gave me a very thoughtful answer, “Too freaking bad! He’s coming home! He’s my brother and I need him. If he thinks that some stupid little Romanian girl is more important than me…”

She started to tear up, “She had better not be more important than me! Or, I’ll…”

I waited for a moment. “Or, you’ll what?” I asked softly.

“I’ll go back home with a broken heart and never be the same again,” she answered quietly.

I took a deep breath, choked on the nasty smell in the air, and made a determination that no matter what the circumstances were, Ron was coming back with us.

“Ginny?”

“Yeah?”

“Have you noticed that there doesn’t seem to be any people anywhere?”

“I just realized that too, isn’t that weird?”

“I’m thinking it’s more than just weird. I think something is very wrong here.”

We both looked around and saw that all the buildings and stalls were absolutely devoid of life. I could feel my heart beating loudly in my ears. I hated to admit it, but I was beginning to imagine some very scary and nasty possibilities. I pulled out my wand and Ginny seeing me, did the same. I started to poke my head into some of the surrounding structures. The place was an absolute mess. Tables and workbenches were overturned. Cages lay empty and open. Doors were often broken off their hinges. Either they had just held Woodstock 3 here or there had been some sort of battle.

“Ginny?!” I whispered with a harsh intensity.

“What?” she said nervously.

“I’m pretty sure this wasn’t a concert.”

“Harry? I am not currently inside your twisted little mind, and you haven’t been thinking out loud again, so I have no idea of what you are talking about.”

I ignored that last statement and explained, “I think the dragons are all loose. From the looks of the cages and stalls, there has to be about thirty of them. We are in very big trouble.”

I could literally hear Ginny swallow from four feet away. I’m guessing she was as appropriately concerned about all this as I was. Then the strangest of all things occurred. I heard singing and the singing was so awful that it made my ears want to bleed. I could tell by her cringing that she heard it too. With a knowing nod toward each other, we carefully made our way closer to the unharmonious racket. We both kept our heads down and used whatever we could for cover.

“…. our …”

I thought that I could make out a word or two, but I wasn’t completely sure.

“… king …”

I could hear a great deal of commotion going on as well.

“… is …”

We came around a corner and hid behind a small copse of trees. It was the strangest thing I have ever seen. There were a number of wizards and witches that were manacled together. All of them had looks of disgust and hatred on their faces. To add a big question mark to the scene, was a huge number of dragons sitting around with large flagons of ale; and they were all cheering and singing in an addled stupor. I could see them staring in drunken adoration at one person. My eyes went as wide as saucers. There in a makeshift throne sat the most pathetic, dejected creature a wizard could ever lay eyes on. The dragons started singing the song again, this time leaving no doubt.

“Weasley is our king!”

I heard Ginny groan, “You have got to be kidding me.”

I sincerely wanted to defend my dearest friend, but I had a nagging feeling that this whole scene somehow at least partially involved Ron. If I were to guess what two words he might be pleading with, in a squeaky voice, right now they would be, “help me.” If it weren’t for all the dragons, I’d probably have laughed right out loud.

I motioned to Ginny to back up. We needed to find a place to hide and come up with some kind of plan. I had faced a single dragon before in my fifth year, but there is nowhere in any spell book or history book anywhere that gives instructions on how to handle a whole gaggle of drunk, fire-breathing, reptilian wyrms of death and destruction.

I whispered to Ginny, “Are you thinking what I’m thinking?”

“Yeah. We really should have saved Hermione first.”

Yep, she was thinking what I was thinking.

We found a small shed to hide in. We both looked at each other with blank expressions. I decided I had better ask her if she had a plan first. If she asked me first then I’d actually have to come up with something and right now, I had nothing.

“So, Harry, what’s the plan?”

Crap.

I sat there in dejected thought for quite awhile and began pacing back and forth. Then an idea hit me from out of nowhere.

“I have it!” I declared.

“Seriously?” Ginny said.

“Yeah,” I was surprised as she was, “what did every dragon have in common out there?”

“They should all have their larynxes forcibly removed?”

“That too, but what else?”

“They all… they were all drinking ale.”

“Exactly!” I said excitedly, “We need to find their source of ale and pour some Draught of the Living Death in it and sit back and wait for all the dragons to fall into a deep sleep. Then we can free all the dragon wranglers and let them take over from there. What do you think?”

“Harry, that’s twice now you’ve come up with a truly inspirational idea. Let’s do it.”

“I saw an apothecary shack back near the entrance. We can sneak back there and get the ingredients and brew the potion. Then we’ll find the dragon’s ale and make our move.”

“The plan is simple and straightforward. I really think this will work,” Ginny beamed.

With the wisdom of my years I told her that you should always keep a plan simple.

“Why, is it because the simpler the plan the more likely it is to succeed? Or is it that the simplest plans are usually the best plans? Or …”

“Uhh, no. It needs to be simple enough that no one forgets what they’re supposed to do. Ever wonder why Draco’s plans were always kept so simple?”

Ginny pondered a moment, “Crabbe and Goyle?”

“Exactly,” I reassured her.

She sat there for a second and then punched me in the arm, “Wait a minute, you jerk! You essentially just told me that I’m Crabbe or Goyle. You came up with the plan, so what does that leave me? I’ll tell you where that leaves me… as the stupid sidekick!”

I cringed. I was going to pay for that later.

We hurried back to the shack I had seen earlier. Ginny wanted to make the potion, but I insisted that I should do it. As I was gathering the ingredients I needed, I thought back fondly on my years in Professor Snape’s potions class. I thought about how well I had done in it and how often Snape had complimented me on my good work.

“Here, you’d better do it,” I whispered to Ginny.

It was going to take a bit for her to brew it up. So, I sat there and thought about Hermione some more. It made me feel happy just to think about her cute smile.

“What do you think Hermione is wearing right now?” I asked kind of day-dreamy.

Ginny looked at me in exasperation and said, “She’s probably lounging around completely naked thinking about how hot you are.”

“Wow! Really?!”

“No.”

Those Weasleys, they’re such kidders.

5. A Mind Is A Terrible Thing

A Mind Is A Terrible Thing

We had gotten back on the Romanian Express. Apparently if you knew all the right stops you could hop from train to train to make it all the way to Bulgaria. Ginny was humming a happy tune to herself. She was genuinely smiling. Something she had not done much of in the past year or so. It made me realize we were doing the right thing. I had just come back from the man who was pushing the breakfast bakery cart down the corridors. I bought everything on the cart and brought it down with me. I was eating some lovely danishes while thinking about our next move.

I couldn’t help but stare at Ron. He looked positively miserable. Fortunately for all of us, my plan had worked perfectly. Shortly, after all the dragons were completely zonkered, Ginny and I went around and unmanacled all the good people of the dragon reserve. They were very appreciative of our efforts, as they had been virtual slaves to the dragons for the past few months. For Ron’s safety we left in quite a hurry afterwards. When we tried to pry into what exactly happened; Ron would quickly change the subject. I figured he would tell us when he was ready. The one thing that didn’t add up was that Ron insisted that he had never sent me a letter by owl. He even became very defensive when we pressured him about the mysterious Romanian girl he had met. He said in no uncertain terms that there was no woman in his life and there hasn’t been since he left The Burrow.

“Curioser and curioser,” I said.

Ginny gave me a chesire grin. She then turned to Ron and asked the inevitable question for the eleventh time.

“Soooooo, Ron… what happened back there?”

“Shut up!” he replied grumpily. “It wasn’t my fault. It was that stupid Pansy Parkinson.”

“What?!” both Ginny and I exclaimed.

This was a new tidbit of information that he had failed to share with us before.

“Pansy took a job there a couple days after I did.”

“I didn’t see her there when we set everyone free,” Ginny said.

“She had to return home awhile ago, because of a death in her family.”

“When did she leave?” I asked.

“A couple days before… well, before it all happened.”

“That does sound kind of suspicious, doesn’t it?” Ginny mentioned.

“She said that she had prepared some special food for the dragons, because it was her turn to prepare their meals that week. After I gave the dragons the food that night, they all began talking to me, which for a creature that doesn’t know the English language is pretty impressive. Then, they… well they tricked me into letting one of them out of their cage. Once they got out, I was forced to open up all the other cages and the rest you pretty much already know.”

“So, Pansy was involved. That explains how the dragons knew the ‘Weasley is our King’ song,” Ginny offered.

“But how did they trick you into opening one of the cages?” I asked.

Ron turned a bit red and sighed, “Well, to be honest, one of them said …”

His voice faded down to a few decibels below human hearing. However, Ginny seemed to hear him and started laughing so hard that she had to hold her sides to keep from bursting.

“Are you kidding?! And you fell for that?!” Ginny fell off her seat while she filled the room with giggling hysterics.

“What?” I said, “What happened?”

Ron looked at me. “The dragon said he had captured a veela and was keeping it hidden in his cage. He said I could have her if I would come in and give him a nice under the wing scratch and belly rub.” He began to fidget while staring down at his feet.

Ginny started to roll around on the ground, with tears streaming down her face.

“Oh, shut up Ginny!” he muttered.

I had to admit it was all quite funny, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that Pansy being involved in this was a bad thing. What was her game? Well, I’d have to save that until later. It was time to go and get my Hermione.

“Hey Ron! Look out the window! It’s a veela!” Ginny practically screamed while gulping for air between bouts of laughter.

Ron slunk into his seat and pulled his shirt up over his head, while groaning in embarrassment. Ginny was going to get a whole lot of mileage out of this, I thought to myself. Personally, I was just glad to have Ron back.

“Oh, Ron, there’s something important we need to talk about,” I announced.

Ginny had finally composed herself and sat back down, but she still chuckled a few more times. I sat next to Ron and told him all about Luna and what she was going through. It was a long and difficult talk that gave a lot for Ron to think about. I could see the wheels turning his head. I knew he would have some tough questions for me. I just hoped I was ready to answer them.

“With that old lion head? Really? Screaming and everything, huh?”

“Yeah,” I replied earnestly.

“Wow. So, what does she look like naked?”

“Well, it’s like this…” I began.

Ginny had plugged her ears with her fingers and started loudly intoning the very famous, ‘LA LA LA I CAN’T HEAR YOU’ song.

Ron started to grin at Ginny. Ginny realizing she had just been had, started wrestling with Ron. I jumped up onto one of the seats to keep out of the way. It really warmed my heart to see them together like this. They were both on the floor trying to pin the other one down.

“Don’t make me hurt you Ginny!”

“HA! You wish! Bring it on Ronald!”

It was all I could do to keep from crying tears of joy. I just hoped Hermione was going to wrestle me to the ground like that when I saw her. It was Monday already. She was getting married tomorrow. I was not about to let that happen. Unless, of course, she really loved him and didn’t love me, in which case, I guess I’ll have to gracefully accept that. I was still going to have to drop Krum down a deep, dark well and kidnap her, but I would try hard to be sensitive to Hermione’s feelings about the whole matter. I owed her at least that.

After Ginny and Ron had worn themselves out, they both jumped back into their seats and panting heavily, smiled at each other. I slid down into a sitting position and started to eat the rest of the bakery cart I had bought. I pointed at the food and looked at the two Weasleys. They both shrugged their shoulders and dug in right alongside me. It was definitely a warm, fuzzy moment.

With a mouth full of sweetbread Ron asked, “Ginny, did you get more piercings?”

“Uh, huh,” she managed with a croissant sticking half-way out of her mouth. “Do you like them?”

“No.”

“Pbbbttttthhh.”

I looked out at the scenery and began to wonder what the future held for me. Was it even going to be something I wanted? And if it was, how hard was I going to have to beat it down to get it to let go. I had a come a long way. I was no longer Mister let-it-happen-to-me Harry, I was now Mister controller-of-my-own-destiny Harry. I looked down at myself and also realized that I was Mister not-wearing-any-pants Harry.

I looked up and saw the Weasley siblings trying hard not to giggle the food out of their mouths. However, I did notice that Ginny had her wand out and there was a familiar looking pair of pants caught up by the wind and tumbling across the field outside. I watched as we quickly passed it by. Of course, I had packed my own clothes before the trip; which meant that my only pair of pants had just gotten launched out into the Romanian countryside.

I then proceeded to pull my wand out and could feel a very mischievous grin spread across my lips as I aimed it at her corduroy hot-pants.

Ginny’s faced contorted into horror, “You wouldn’t DARE!”

“Oh, but I would… I very much would.”

I looked at Ron and he had his wand out as well. This was about to turn ugly. We all began to run around the train compartment screaming ‘Accio’ and throwing whatever we caught out the window. It was a clothing free-for-all. There was a whole lot of giggling and yelling going on, while shoes, shirts and whatever else we could aim at went outside. Both Ginny and I had lost all our clothes and Ron was desperately trying to avoid getting his boxers tossed out into the wind.

There was a polite knock on the door and an elderly couple walked in on us. Ginny and I both had our wands pointed right at Ron and Ron was doing his best to hang on tightly to his last article of clothing. Both of the couple’s eyes were as wide as old people’s eyes could possibly go.

“Ummm, hello Mr. and Mrs. Frethelbaum,” Ginny said in a very embarrassed voice.

“Hello Ginevra, and you must be Ronald. It is… ahhh… most delightful to see you two again. We were on our way back from visiting some family here in Romania, and were going to meet up with your mother and father in France. I thought I recognized you and we decided to poke our heads in. We’ll, uhhh… let them know we bumped into you.”

The door closed behind them as they made as graceful an exit as was possible.

I looked at the two of them questioningly. “That’s my dad’s new boss,” Ginny whimpered. “He took a job at the ministry of magic in France when they moved there. Mr. Frethelbaum is the head of the department.”

“What do you think they’re going to tell our parent’s?” Ron asked.

“I have no idea,” Ginny said with a mortified look on her face.

I pointed my wand at Ron’s boxers and Accio’ed them out the window. Ginny and Ron both turned toward me and stared with mouths open. Then, we all burst out laughing and fell backwards onto our seats. It was one of those moments that you look back on years later and chuckle, when recounting it your therapist who starts writing furiously in their notebook while shaking their head.

After awhile Ron fell asleep and I had to admit it was getting hard to keep my eyes open as well. I looked over at Ginny and noticed that she was looking at me. If I wasn’t completely in love with Hermione, I’m pretty sure that I would be over there next to her and we would be trying to make love without waking Ron up. She smiled with that wicked little smile that she only ever flashed at me and I knew she was thinking the same thing. That made me start to think about Ginny’s love life. Now more than ever I hoped that she would forget all about Draco and give Neville a chance. He’s about the only person in the whole world that I know of who would never take advantage of her. He would love her for who she was and never look back.

“I will give him a chance, I promise,” Ginny said with a soft smile.

I checked the above paragraph, but I hadn’t been thinking out loud.

“How did you…”

“Oh, Harry, I know and love you enough to know what you’re thinking most of the time. Believe me, I’ve been thinking about the same thing.”

“Which part?” I asked.

“Both parts,” she said sweetly.

I laughed in spite of myself. What a very strange life I live. I keep forgetting how I got here. I’ve really needed Hermione. She’s the only one who knows how to truly center me. It’s like my life has been this huge series of awful jokes, since she’s been gone. And to be honest, they were getting less and less funny as it went along.

My musings were interrupted by the thought of whether or not I should throw Krum down an existing well, or perhaps I might enjoy digging a new one just for the occasion. I really didn’t want to kill Viktor, but I did think it would be enjoyable to give him the old ‘heave ho’ and listen for the pleasant splash of water at the end. Yeah, that was a nice thought.

“I’m bored, let’s sing songs to pass the time.” Ginny told me.

“What do you want to sing?” I asked.

At the same time we both looked down at Ron and started to chuckle. We simultaneously began a rousing round of ‘Weasley is our King!’ Ron woke up with a scowl on his face. However, after a minute or two he joined in with a goofy grin and it made all the time apart from one another just melt away.

I looked out the window and saw Hedwig in the distance. She was closing in fast. I wondered who would be sending me a letter. I just sat there and waited for her to come barreling in. At the last minute I noticed that Ron had closed the window. That glass sure was clean I thought.

WHAM!

There was a very flat owl stuck to the window. A second later she began to start sliding downward. I threw open the window and grabbed her just before she fell off.

I dusted her off and asked her if she was okay. She let out a little squawk, but the top and bottom of her beak went in separate directions.

“That’s just about the saddest thing I’ve ever seen,” Ginny said.

I looked at her and we both starting laughing. It was everything that Saturday morning cartoons promised it would be.

“What is wrong with you two?” Ron asked. He grabbed Hedwig and cast a quick-fix spell on her and set her down on the seat next to him. He took the letter and handed it to me with a disgusted look on his face.

“Oh, Ron. I love Hed. I would never want her to get seriously hurt. Now, let’s open this letter and see what there is to see.”

The letter was written with a regular ballpoint pen. How odd, I thought. I read it out loud:

Dear Harry,

Your cousin Dudley was caught beating up the son of a local barrister. He was arrested and thrown in prison. Was wondering if you could come and help get him out, using your unique abilities.

Sincerely,

Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia

“Wow, they must really be in a bind to send an owl, asking you to use magic to help them, eh Harry?” Ron asked.

“Yeah, it’s terrible,” I said, “I should get there right away to help Dudley out.”

“You’re such a good person Harry, to want to help your cousin out,” Ron said.

Ginny rolled her eyes and groaned, “Here we go.”

“Yes Ron!,” I said, “In this time of desperate need, I will throw caution to the wind and put aside my own needs to offer my hand to the people who raised me, when my own parents could not.”

“Harry, for me to be your friend and see this warm and giving side of you, brings a tear to my eye. For the great sacrifice that the Dursleys endured to care for you as if you were their own son, you will also sacrifice in turn for them.”

“Anything less, would be an awful disgrace! I will go now and fly to their side and bring them comfort in this dark hour.”

Ginny sighed and tried her best to ignore us.

“But first, first I must sit here for awhile. And then I must rearrange my sock drawer.”

Ron replied seriously, “And then you must take a pleasant nap, and then perhaps eat a nice lunch, and then go shopping for a fine set of new flatware.”

“Of course, then I will help Ginny learn to speak Flemish. For she cannot go another day without that. Then I shall sit down some more, for I might be tired by then.”

“And then you must drink a sweet glass of pumpkin juice, and then give serious thought to all the history lessons from Professor Bins about the goblin wars. And then you must go for a nice swim.”

“And only after I have done all these things, can I rush to Dudley’s side. For I know his need is great.”

We sat down quite formally.

Ginny shook her head, “So, are you going to go and help him?”

“No.”

Ron grinned at me. I grinned back. This had turned out to be one of the best days of my life. Which, of course, meant that I was soon going to die a fiery and horrible death. Isn’t that just the way it always is?

The town we were going to had a name which I couldn’t pronounce, but it roughly translated to Krumville. Apparently the Krum family had been there a long time. Either that or they went around and gave everyone thirty galleons. That’s the kind of trick that can work as many times as you’re willing to play it out. Something that wizards and muggles always had in common was that everyone had their price. Mine was a dozen raspberry tartlets. Fortunately, none of the death-eaters ever offered me that. Good thing, it would have been awkward for me to have to tell everyone that the big showdown wasn’t going to happen, because I was too busy eating baked goods. I can tell you right now, that would not have gone over nearly as well as the thirty galleons trick.

But indeed it did go well. As a matter of fact it was almost from that moment that my life began to become so confusing. Shortly after, all those who stood against the dark lord, left my life. Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Neville and Luna. Some left by simply leaving, some left by running away from themselves, and some simply left by losing their minds. In the end, they were all gone. That’s when everything turned strange. Very strange. I knew that must be significant, but right now it didn’t really matter.

We had finally arrived in downtown beautiful Krumville. The three of us practically fell out of the train. We had transfigured whatever we could find lying around the train into clothes for ourselves. So now there was nothing to stop us. We asked around about the Krum estate. The folks must have thought we were coming for the wedding. Without any hesitation they all pointed towards the top of the high hill in the center of town. There Krum Manor stood like a mysterious beacon of filthy lucre, broken hearts and expensive booze. At least it would have if this was a script for a film noir. Which it isn’t. So, really it was just a big house on top of a hill.

We walked straight up and knocked on the front door. After a long wait the huge door slowly opened and a very strange man answered. He looked at the lot of us and asked if we were here with the party of the bride or the party of the groom. I was about to lay into this world class idiot right then and there, but Ginny interrupted me.

“We’re here with the party of the bride.”

The strange man invited us in. This was pretty easy so far I thought. While standing in the foyer the man asked us to wait and he would be right with us. After an uncomfortably long spell, he returned and said that she would be with us shortly. Which she was he talking about? I heard Ginny take in a sharp breath. Ron made a sound as if something had hit him square in the chest. I turned to look and saw Hermione coming down the stairs. Her hair had been styled to be held elegantly up. She wore a short, wispy, sleeveless black dress with matching stockings and a pair of crystal high heels. She had on a pair of black lace gloves and she was attired by a myriad of precious jewels. Emeralds dangled from her ears. She had a diamond tennis bracelet and a similar diamond anklet on her left leg. She was wearing a brilliant white gold necklace with a ruby the size of a child’s hand at her breast. She was walking toward us as if she was born to be a queen adored by her people. She had a pleasant smile on her face as she saw us. She came to the bottom of the stairs and glided over. She held her hand out to me and then spoke with a casual flair and a hint of an accent.

“It is wonderful to see you. I am quite pleased you came. I am so glad that you have been able to attend my wedding.”

“Do I know you?!” Ginny said with anger and hurt in her voice. I have never seen those two look as different from each other as they did right now. The princess and the gothic rocker chick were standing an arms length away, but it might as well have been a million miles.

Hermione looked confused for a brief moment and put her hand out to Ginny, “I’m sorry have we not met before? My name is Hermy-own-ninny. I am so pleased to meet you.”

Ron looked at Ginny, Ginny looked at Ron and they both looked right at me. I should have known this wasn’t going to be easy.

Crap.

6. Who Got Krums All Over My Bed?

Who Got Krums All Over My Bed?

We had been shown to our room shortly after meeting Hermione. I can unequivocally say that the girl was not herself. She sure did look pretty though. Like some kind of princess from a strange fairy tale. I could marry her and I’d become a prince. Hmmm… Prince Harry – that has a nice ring to it. On the other hand, if I didn’t know better I would say that she had her brain surgically replaced with dragon poo. She didn’t even recognize us. And did I hear her say ‘Hermy-own-ninny’? That’s what Viktor always called her. You think after a few years he would have gotten it right by now. My first guess was she had the Imperius Curse cast on her, but I couldn’t prove it at this point. With the fact that she couldn’t even pronounce her own name properly, it further put the spotlight onto Krum being behind the whole thing. As much as I wanted to put a hot poker in his eye, I didn’t think he was the kind of guy to do something like that to her. Rest assured I will get to the bottom of all this.

Ron had changed into a pair of tan jeans and a green pullover. I was wearing my Mr. Krum-is-going-down-a-dark-well Harry outfit; one of my personal favorites. Ginny, who always refused to fit in with the rest of the world, looked particularly inviting in a skin-tight light blue and silver baby-doll with a long, swishy kind of skirt that looked like it was handmade in India. She had purposefully messed her hair up and then cast a spell to hold it that way. She might have been a lot of things, but she was always the chicest one of our little group. We did a quick wand check and decided it was time to wander around the house a bit and see what we could find out before it got any later. We were hoping with all the hustle and bustle going on for tomorrow’s wedding, that we could snoop without much notice.

We made our way downstairs and sure enough there was hustle to the left and bustle to the right. So, we dove straight into the middle of it all. There were people yelling out orders and other people scrambling to follow those orders. I noticed a seriously pompous looking woman who seemed to be barking the loudest. I decided she would be the best source of information we could get our hands on. It was time for a little Harry charm to kick in and see what there was to see.

I walked up to her and did my really excellent raise one eyebrow, thrown in with a little puppy dog look, while absently brushing some stray hairs out of my eyes schtick. It was a killer combination that has worked for me every single time. This was not one of those times.

“Hi, my name is Harry. You must be the lady of the house.”

“Yes and why are you bothering me?” she replied with her nose held just a tad too high in the air.

“Uhh, well, yes. I was wondering if… well…”

Ginny stepped up, “Who’s Hermione’s maid-of-honor?”

Was what she actually said, but knowing her like I do, I heard, “Listen you blowhard wench, I would have no problem taking this wand and shoving it right down your rich throat, if it weren’t already stuffed with that silver spoon you were born with. My closest friend in the world is getting married tomorrow to your freak of a son and I was just wondering why in the hell someone besides me is the maid-of-honor? You have two seconds to explain before I have you down on this floor.”

The woman looked us over and smiled an eerie, stilted sort of smile that only someone who never really smiles can do.

“Why her best friend in the whole world came down just for the occasion.”

Ginny was gritting her teeth, “And which friend is that again?”

“Let me see, it’s right on the tip of my tongue. Ah, yes, what a little darling. Pansy was her name I believe.”

I’m not usually the kind of guy who says bad things about a woman; unless you count Umbridge, and that was no woman. I’ve always tried to be very respectful, because I think my own mother would have taught me that, even if I’m not feeling that way on the inside. This time was going to be an exception. I stepped back and leaned over to Ginny and very quietly whispered to her and her alone.

“The bitch is going down.”

She turned her head and whispered to me, “Down? Oh no, Harry. She’s not going down. I’m simply going to take a knife and cut her very slowly into finely chopped pieces and then bake them into a lovely spiced mince-meat pie and send it to her parents so they can dine on her flesh over the holidays.”

I pulled away and leaned over to Ron, “I’m fairly certain that I have just soiled my pants.”

Ron looked at me and replied, “Welcome to my world.”

Krum’s mother had already wandered off by then. So, the next thing on our plate was to find Pansy and undo the damage she had done. Then, if we still had time, I would throw Krum down a well. Not that I felt he deserved it, but for some reason I just know it would make me feel all kinds of better. However, first on my to do list was get a new pair of pants. Then, the last person on the planet I had wanted to see, walked into the room. It was Viktor. I could almost hear his echoing scream followed by a nice splash.

“Harry … uhhh … what a wonderful surprise.” in his substantially thick Bulgarian accent, “Hermy-own-ninny must be so pleased you were able to make it.”

Ron clenched his jaw and said, “Yes, you should have seen her. She practically threw herself on Harry. I can honestly say I can’t remember when she seemed happier.”

Score one for the Ron-meister.

“Yes, of course. Being as Harry is such a good ‘friend’. I am sure she was quite happy he could come to her ‘wedding’,” Krum replied.

{sigh} Score one for Krum.

Ginny walked over next to me and put her body tightly against mine. She was pressing her breasts against my left arm.

“Women are always very happy to see Harry, Viktor. He has a ‘gift’ for making them satisfied… err, I mean happy.”

Score one for Ginny.

“Yes, but Hermy-own-ninny already knows how satisfied I keep my women.”

With that Viktor turned around and left the room. Game, set, match.

Ginny and Ron were both staring hard at me. I could feel their shock and pity. I felt the room start to spin. I suddenly wasn’t feeling so well anymore. I thought that it might be rather nice to leave. I hear Bermuda is very nice this time of year. I think I’ll go there. I never really liked Bulgaria very much anyway.

“I … I have to go and kill Viktor now,” I said quietly, “I’ll be right back.”

I suddenly found my feet walking in the same direction that Krum had just taken. I pulled out my wand and could practically feel my mouth moving with any number of spells on the tip of my tongue. Then I saw a nice looking sword mounted on the wall and decided that would be a lot more personal, so I grabbed it and headed on my merry way. Ron and Ginny sprung forward and each grabbed one of my arms and held me tight.

“Harry, listen to me,” Ron said, “please don’t do this. Please don’t kill Krum. This is not what you want to do. It will ruin your life. They’ll send you to Azkaban. There’s no bakeries in Azkaban, Harry! Think about it!”

Ron always knew what to say.

I turned to Ron and said, “I can’t cry.”

“What?”

“I can’t cry. For some reason my life has turned into some kind of sick joke. I haven’t been able to cry ever since I killed Voldemort. I think I’m broken.”

“Keep Harry here Ron,” Ginny commanded, “Don’t you let him go!”

Ginny stormed out of the room with wand in hand. At first I thought she had gone after Krum, but she went upstairs. She disappeared around the corner.

“Do you think they have any cinnamon rolls here?” I asked.

“Harry, please forgive me for leaving you. It was stupid. I won’t do that again, I swear,” Ron said earnestly.

“It’s okay I said, it was worth it to see drunk dragons singing to you,” I paused for a moment, “Ron, my life is getting less funny now. What does that mean?”

“It means that all of this is almost over. Pretty soon, it will be time for us to go home, at least I hope.” he answered.

Ginny practically ran down the stairs. She came right up to me and gave me a big bear hug.

“It’s okay Harry. Creepy Vikky was bluffing. Nothing happened between him and Hermione.”

Ron looked surprised, “How do you know that? Did you talk to Hermione?”

“Sort of,” she said, “but I couldn’t trust anything she was saying, so I took some slightly drastic measures to make sure.”

Ron and I looked at each other. Then it suddenly dawned on me what she was saying. A very, very wicked smile started to appear on my face.

“Harry, if you finish that smile I will set you on fire.”

My lips slowly went back down.

“The question is,” Ron said, “is where the heck is Pansy hiding? We need to find her and find her quick.”

A waiter pushing a tray of fresh baked tea biscuits went by. I stopped him and informed him there was an emergency in the kitchen and I was told to order him back down there right away. The man looked alarmed and hurried off. I almost felt bad for lying to him, but then I proceeded to stuff a baker’s dozen of the biscuits into my mouth. I smiled and felt much better. Ron and Ginny came over and both of them grabbed one as well.

Ginny smiled sweetly at me and asked, “So, what’s the plan?”

She did it to me again.

I thought for a moment and then answered, “We go down to the kitchens.”

“Why?” Ron asked. “You still hungry?”

“Nope, you’ll see. I’ve got a plan that would make pre-Pansy Parkinson-ed Hermione proud. It’s going to be so easy it’s almost ridiculous.”

“Fine,” Ginny announced, “but this time Ron has to be the stupid Crabbe sidekick.”

I looked at her and said, “That’s okay. You can be Goyle this time.”

Score one for Harry.

Ginny’s face scrunched up and she was about to say something back, but then she began to laugh.

“You got me fair and square,” and she started walking in front of me.

I looked over at Ron and his eyes went wide.

“What?”

Ron gulped and informed me that the last time Ginny had said those words to him she pretended everything was fine; then a week later she apparated a blast-ended skrewt into his boxers... while he was still in them.

Crap.

7. Nothing To Laugh About

Nothing To Laugh About

The three of us discovered the main kitchen; we poked around and then found the typical lower kitchen where all the house-elves usually worked. Sure enough there was a whole gaggle of them zipping around doing house-elfy type things. I cleared my throat and announced our presence.

They all stopped and looked at us. It wasn’t typical in wealthy families for any actual people to come down to the lower kitchens. So, we were most likely a novelty right now. Which, I intended to use to my advantage.

“I am here to speak with all of you. To make this easier we will need a spokesperson to come forward.”

The house-elves held a quick impromptu vote on the matter. The ones on the southeast end of the room had to do three or four recounts, because someone complained about dangling chads, or something to that effect. Eventually an older one stepped forward and greeted us.

“I have a direct order from Hermione,” I announced boldly.

The spokesperson answered, “I will go and receive the order directly.”

“No!” I exclaimed, “I mean, she is not to be disturbed as she is trying on her wedding dress. I assume you are familiar with human customs regarding this issue?”

The elves talked amongst themselves for a moment.

“We know for a fact that she is not trying on her dress right now, so we believe you are lying.”

This house-elf was the most eloquent speaker among house-elves that I had ever heard. They must have cast a powerful spell on him. My guess is that he was usually the house-elf responsible for speaking with Krum’s mother, who probably had a hard time understanding anyone who didn’t speak fluent ‘rich, white-ese’.

“You probably also know that Hermione is currently under the Imperius Curse. Knowing that, then you have to realize that she is not currently able to give you the orders that she would truly want you to follow.”

They talked some more amongst themselves.

“We agree with you on this matter. However, since she is not able to speak for herself, we are at an impasse.”

“Ah, that’s where you’re wrong,” I answered, “My name is Harry Potter. I know that you would have heard of me and are aware of my very close relationship with Hermione. Who better than me would know what her true orders would be?”

The elves again whispered between one another.

“We have heard of you Mr. Potter and we agree with your argument. We will allow you to make a request on her behalf and then we’ll decide if we feel it is what she would want.”

“There is a young woman somewhere near here by the name of Pansy Parkinson. She will be hiding, or have transfigured herself, or perhaps drank a poly-juice potion. We need to know her exact location, so we can… help her prepare for the wedding.”

The spokes-elf answered immediately, “We will help you.” Apparently Pansy was not well liked down here. He then continued, “She has kidnapped the butler and taken a poly-juice potion to impersonate him. We also believe that she has placed Hermione under an Imperius Curse. When I mentioned this to the lady of the house, she… I can’t continue, please forgive me…”

He reached over and grabbed a large frying pan and began to knock himself silly with it. We didn’t press the issue further, we had what we needed.

“So, the strange old guy who first answered the door was Pansy,” Ron blurted.

“It appears that way, doesn’t it,” I answered.

We thanked the house-elves and went back upstairs. Unfortunately, our shenanigans had been discovered. Krum’s mother, Krum, Hermione and a host of other people were waiting for us when we got back up. They all had their wands pointed directly at us. Except for Hermione, who looked conflicted about the whole situation.

“Krum, I thought these people were my family. That’s what you told me. Why are we doing this?”

Krum scowled and whispered something in her ear, which apparently pacified her for the moment.

Krum’s mother gave us an ultimatum, “You will leave now, or else.”

“I choose ‘or else’,” snapped Ginny.

I looked around the room and decided this wasn’t funny at all. What happened to all the funny stuff? What’s happening to me? Out of the blue, an owl flew in through an open window and landed on my shoulder. There was a letter for me. Not sure what else to do about it, so I took the letter and unrolled it. It read:

Harry,

I hate your guts. You suck. I hope you choke on your own blood. I want you to die. How dare you turn me down like that, when I invited you to go to the seventh year Yule Ball. You broke my heart and now you’re going to pay for what you’ve done. I did everything in my power to drive Luna to kill herself, but somehow you were able to keep her alive by turning her batty instead. It was also me who got Dumbledore, Hagrid and Lupin to leave England. I originally sent them to a small island, where the people were just gearing up for some very nasty witch-hunts, but again somehow your influence changed their course and they all wound up in Bermuda and are enjoying early retirement. Then I set the plan in motion to get Ron killed. Somehow, it turned all funny and he was able to survive, and those stupid dragons even made him their king. I have no idea of how you did that, but I am through going easy on you. You can’t get yourself out of this one. If you stay here, you’ll die. If you leave, then by tonight Hermione will be in Viktor’s bed going at it like Bulgarian bunny rabbits. I’ve got you and there is no way you’re going to stop me from getting my revenge.

Hatefully yours,

Pansy

It all made sense now. I had completely forgotten that Pansy invited me to the ball last year. I thought it was a joke and so I just laughed at her, for a really long time. Apparently she didn’t think it was so funny. She wasn’t trying to screw my life up; she was trying to destroy it. Then, somehow, everything in my life turned so funny and strange. All of these unlikely scenarios played out the way they did, because my whole world turned into one big joke. The weirdness wasn’t meant to hurt me, it was meant to help me. It kept everything bad that could have happened and turned it into something completely nutty. It was like someone had cast a riddikulus spell on my life. I just hoped there was enough karmic silliness left to pull me out of this fire.

“Krum, do you really love Hermione?”

“Of course, I love Hermy-own-ninny.”

“Then go find your butler and cast a Confundus Charm on him.”

Krum’s mother suddenly looked very concerned, “Don’t be silly! You stay right there Viktor. This boy is trying to play a trick.”

“Am I?” I asked, “There’s plenty of people with wands here to keep us in place. I don’t even have my wand out. Just go and do it. Then if Hermione still wants to stay, I promise I’ll leave and you will never see any of us again.”

Krum looked at his mother and then at Hermione.

“Okay, I will do this, if it will mean you will leave us in peace.”

Krum turned and summoned his personal house-elf and gave instructions to take him directly to the butler. They both apparated out of the room. Then we waited. I looked at the clock on the wall and watched as the seconds ticked away. Then the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me, happened.

Hermione shook her head and blinked her eyes. She looked around the room with a dazed expression on her face. Then her gaze finally fell on me and she smiled so warmly and fully, that the entire room lit up. She pushed her way through the crowd of people and ran straight at me. She jumped up and threw her arms around me and kissed my cheek and then clung to me as if her life depended on it. My knees buckled and we tumbled to the ground. I began to sob hysterically. I couldn’t control myself. Hermione was crying too and she started kissing me on my forehead, my cheeks, my nose and then my lips. She lingered there for awhile and it was the sweetest most perfect moment the world has ever known. My life was normal again.

--- ---

It was some sight I can tell you. Hermione, Ron, Ginny, Luna, Neville, Draco, a pregnant Brunhilde, and myself all were coming in for a landing on a secluded beach in Bermuda. We had all decided that we would take the rest of my fortune and retire here. I had a number of nice houses built just off the beach, so we could all move in right away. As we hit the sand we all dismounted our brooms and looked around at our new home.

Coming down the beach was Lupin, Hagrid, Maxime, and Dumbledore. There were two other women coming up just behind them. I noticed that one of them had her arms around Lupin and the other was holding hands with Dumbledore. Apparently, some shenanigans of their own had been going on while we were apart.

We all hugged and laughed and caught up on all the lost time. Hagrid and Maxime had tied the knot a month ago to the day. Ginny and Hermione teared up and hugged them both. Warm fuzziness all around. We made our way to the fancy, new houses that awaited us. Apparently a few of us had made some prior arrangements before getting here, because there was a series of surprises awaiting us.

Ron and Luna had worked everything out and were holding hands as they approached their front door. Luna ran ahead and opened it and waited for Ron to poke his head in. He looked in and there was a girlish happy squeal coming from somewhere inside the house. Ron poked his head back out and stood there as if a meteor had fallen and landed right on his head.

“There’s, there’s, there’s a… veela inside our house.”

Luna giggled and said, “There’s something you should know about me Ron, I’m sort of …”

She whispered something in his ear and Ron turned as red as a fire engine. He walked over to me and whispered, “Harry, there is a higher power and I have irrefutable proof of it sitting in my living room right now.” With that he turned back around and dragged a giggling Luna into the house and closed the door behind him.

Ginny shook her head and just started laughing, “That’ll be the last we see of Ron for a few months.”

I asked Ginny whatever happened to Viktor and Pansy. She told me that she felt bad for Creepy Vikky and so she turned Pansy back into her usual self and then forced her to drink a love potion and look at Krum. Then she did the same to Viktor. The last she heard, they were both still deliriously happy with each other. She also informed me that she liked my deep, dark well idea so much that she had the house elves build one and then she promptly launched Krum’s mother into it.

With that, Ginny turned and kissed Neville right on the mouth and pulled away, “You’re sure you’re okay with this?”

Neville blushed and nodded his head with a guilty smile, “As long as I get to be number one in your life I’m okay with it.”

Ginny whispered something in his ear and it made Neville smile and blush again. He seemed pretty happy about the whole thing. Ginny, Neville, Draco, and Brunhilde all walked into a house together. Each of them looking at one another with a little something more than just friendship in their eyes. I decided I was glad that I didn’t live in the house next to them. I wanted to be able to sleep every once in awhile.

Lupin, Dumbledore, and Hagrid smiled at Hermione and me and then took their loved ones into their respective houses. We smiled back and waved.

“So,” Hermione smiled, “tomorrow’s big homecoming beach barbeque should be really fun.”

“Yeah, I think so, too.”

I heard a flap of wings and turned around only to see Hedwig gracefully coming in for a landing. I held my arm out and took the letter she had brought for me. I unrolled it and smiled. It was a picture of Crabbe and Goyle. They had both lost a lot of weight and were looking pretty good. They had an announcement as well. Apparently they had heard about an opening in Las Vegas for a pair of wizards who enjoyed working with endangered big cats; that a young couple of their orientation would fit perfectly into. They applied and got the job, they were already on their way to fame and fortune.

Hermione took me by the hand and led me into our new home. We were getting married next Friday and I couldn’t be happier. She looked a little impatient and hurried me into a back room that she said she had something special planned waiting for us. She lifted her wand and cast a quick change spell on herself. She was wearing a hopelessly sexy, red silk teddy and absolutely nothing else. I figured this was going to be good. She winked and then turned and opened the door. I walked in and noticed that she had the room lit up with candles. I stopped in happy amazement. There in the middle of the room was a big, soft, fluffy bed… made entirely of fresh baked cinnamon rolls.

“Want to try this thing out right now?” she asked in a sultry voice.

Did this girl know me or what?!