Unreliable Sources

1. Unreliable Sources

Disclaimer: You know the drill, not mine.

MetroDweller + Boring day at work = pointless one-shot fluff

Unreliable Sources

There were exactly one thousand nine hundred and thirty eight squares in the mosaic pattern on the ceiling of the History of Magic classroom at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. James Potter knew this because he'd spent the last half hour with his head hanging back counting them all. One might wonder why a healthy sixteen year old boy would engage in such a boring task, but compared to listening to Professor Binns, it was positively scintillating. James raised his head and massaged the crick in his neck, looking around at his classmates. Next to him, his best friend Sirius Black sprawled as much as one could in a hard, uncomfortable school chair. Sirius had spent the first part of the lesson productively, using his quill to tattoo messages of support for his chosen Quidditch team on James's notebook, James's school bag, and most irritatingly, James himself. Having lost interest in that, he was now staring out the window with a glazed look. Across from Sirius, Remus Lupin was busily engaged, writing furiously, his brow furrowed slightly in intense concentration. Nobody devoted that much concentration to Binns, so James knew he was getting a head start on their Arithmancy homework. Brilliant, since James would then copy it later. And beside him, Peter was fast asleep with his chin resting on his hand, a thread of drool connecting his mouth to the desktop.

James let his eyes wander two rows up and fix upon the back of a very familiar head. Lily Evans. That girl was a mystery. Of course, to the mind of a teenage boy all girls are a mystery, but most of them seemed to find him rather funny and cute, while she clearly did not. James was determined to find out what made Lily different.

To everyone’s relief, the bell rang, and there was a desperate rush to get out of the classroom they had been held prisoner in for the last two hours. The object of James’s affection was as eager to get out as everyone else, and tugged the zipper of her bag just a little too hard, causing the zipper to come free and spilling its contents across the floor. Book, parchments, quills, and a hairbrush all scattered. Swearing mildly, and before James could offer to help, she shoved it all back in her back and hurried out to catch up with her friends. James was going to leave as well, but he spotted something lying under her desk, something she had missed. He hurried over and grabbed it, a small paperback book with a lurid pink cover. He grinned; he would have to give it back to her, which would give him a reason to talk to her. He imagined that conversation:

“Here Evans, I found this book you dropped.”

“Oh thank you James, that’s so nice of you. Gosh, maybe I’ve been wrong about you all along! You are a great guy!”

“Oh, well….”

“And you’re so dashingly handsome, and such a good Quidditch player…”

“Oh, stop…”

“No, I mean it, what can I ever do to repay you James? My hero…”

“Oy Prongs?” Sirius was standing in the doorway, looking annoyed. “Are you coming or not?”

James nodded, and stuffed the book in his bag. He’d give it back to her later, and she’d see he really was a nice guy.

###

When James came in from Quidditch practice that evening he was greeted by a sight to warm any teacher’s heart. All of his roommates, studying. Technically, Sirius was reading a Broomstick magazine (the sort where attractive and scantily clad witches posed with the brooms), but that was as close as he came to studying. Since he always managed to pull off fairly good marks, even Remus didn’t hassle him about it too much.

James decided he might as well do his Arithmancy homework, which is to say, he should convince Remus to let him copy his Arithmancy homework, and he dropped down on his bed and dumped all his books out, along with something pink…Lily’s book.

He had never seen Lily reading anything but textbooks, so he wondered what she read in her spare time. Curiously he turned it over, and raised an eyebrow. It was called Magical Temptation, and the picture on the cover featured a very well-built wizard with shoulder length hair carrying a woman who appeared to have fainted. At least, James figured she must have fainted, because otherwise she’d be a little more worried that her robes were about to slip off like that. He turned it over and read the summary on the back. It appeared to be a historical story about a young muggle-born witch who, for seemingly no reason, was kidnapped by an evil pureblood Lord type. The summary ended with “But she cannot deny her growing attraction to him…” It sounded like an odd sort of story, so James opened to a random page, and read.

With a predatory gleam in his eyes, Raul approached her. His robes fell away, revealing his huge…

“Gyaah!” James yelped and dropped the book, startling his roommates. “That’s….that’s a dirty book!” He pointed at the offending item, now lying innocuously on his bed.

That got Sirius’s attention; he flung aside his magazine and hopped up. He picked up the book and turned it over, his expression turning to a smirk. James realized too late that he was never going to hear the end of this one.

“Now Prongs, if you needed “the facts of life” explained to you, I’m sure we could have helped out. You didn’t have to go get a girly book…”

“Evans dropped it. I was going to give it back to her.”

“So she could reject you again?” suggested Peter, from where he had abandoned his herbology.

“Big words from a man who got turned down by a fourth year last week,” James retorted.

Sirius was now paging through the book, grinning, and Remus and Peter couldn’t contain their curiosity anymore, abandoning their books. “Who would have thought the perfect Lily Evans had a wild side…”

Peter was now flipping through the book, his eyes alight with interest. "What d'you reckon someone says when they're "begging to be ravished" then?" He asked curiously.

"I’ll tell you when you’re older Wormtail, wouldn't want to corrupt that sweet little mind of yours," Sirius mocked him, before grabbing the book away. "And you shouldn't be reading this trash either." He began to flip through the pages. "Wow, her breasts sure do heave a lot," he remarked. "Oy Prongs, think you can impress Evans with your "exquisite powerful muscled physique?"

James looked in the mirror somewhat doubtfully.

"Hey, wait a minute..." Sirius looked as though he had just gotten an idea, which was never a good thing. "Do you know what this is?"

"Bad writing?" suggested Remus.

Sirius ignored him. "This book can tell you what kind of man Evans is looking for! I mean, the bloke in this book has to be the sort she'd like, or she wouldn't read it, right? I mean, you read books about things you like, eh?"

James considered this. Most of the books he read were about Quidditch, and he did indeed like Quidditch.

"Padfoot, not that it isn't a brilliant plan, but I think there are some holes in your logic...that’s not exactly a reliable source…" Remus began.

"So all you have to do is read this book, and you'll know what Evans is looking for, and you can proceed to sweep her off her feet," he finished grandly, clearly not even listening to Remus. “Or…” he let the book fall open to a random page. “You could make her “moan with delirious ecstasy.”

James turned a most interesting shade of red.

"Right then, here's a bit: He moved toward her with the powerful grace of a jungle cat, making Cassandra feel dizzy and weak." Go on then Prongs, walk across the room. Gracefully."

James walked from one side of the dormitory to the other, under the thoughtful, and quite amused, gaze of his roommates.

"Not exactly jungle cat-like, is he?"

"Maybe you should start calling Lily your "sweet angel of desire". The girl in the book seems to react favorably to it."

Remus had been mostly just looking on with amusement, but he felt compelled to step in at this point. "Prongs, I can pretty much guarantee if you call Lily your "sweet angel of desire" you will be on the receiving end of a bat bogey hex like you have never experienced before."

"Try this: "His deep, masculine, silky, and sultry voice whispered in her ear, making delicious shivers run down her spine." Say something, like you would to Lily."

"Uh...All right Evans?"

"Deeper."

"All right Evans?" he dropped his voice an octave.

"That's not exactly a romantic line Prongs. Try..." Sirius flipped madly through the book. "Try: My Darling, your ravishing, sensual beauty leaves me helpless."

"I am not saying that to Evans! And furthermore Padfoot, I'm not at all comfortable with you saying it to me!"

"She'll like it!"

"She'll hex me!"

"Come now James, why would your "sweet angel of desire" hex you?" his best friend snickered.

“Padfoot, do you want to help, or make fun of me?”

“I see no reason I can’t do both mate.” He flipped through the book again, frowning with concentration. “Well, you can’t do that. Here’s a bit. “Her breath hitched as he gazed soulfully into her lovely sky blue eyes…” How exactly do you gaze soulfully?”

“It’s probably like staring really hard,” suggested Peter.

James shook his head. “There’s no way this will work. You guys are morons.”

Sirius shrugged. “Okay, just try asking her out again like you normally do…of course she’ll just tell you to sod off again.”

###

It was a few days later that he spotted Lily studying alone in the library. He watched her from behind a shelf discreetly for a moment, admiring the way she wrinkled her nose when she was thinking and how the candlelight made her hair shine and…James shook his head quickly. Honestly, his friends would laugh themselves sick if they could hear him thinking drivel like that.

He intended to go over and throw out some comment about whatever homework she was doing, and then manage to subtly work the conversation around to why she should go out with him, but then he remembered “The Book”. Was that really the kind of guy she liked? It was pretty obvious he was not the kind of guy she liked, or she’d be his girlfriend already and they’d be off snogging instead of him standing here alone like an idiot talking to himself. Well, there was only one way to find out. He stepped out from behind the shelf, and leaned against it in what he assumed to be a casual and charming manner. Of course, since he was behind her, she didn’t notice.

“Ahem.”

She turned, and then rolled her eyes. “Oh, it’s you. Leave me alone Potter.”

Right, well, that’s normal, don’t get discouraged James. Instead of leaving her alone, he walked, gracefully, over to the table. Then he sat, gracefully. Not bad James, that was quite graceful.

She raised an eyebrow, more a look of irritation than concern, but she said, “Are you all right Potter?”

“Of course….I mean-“ He lowered his voice. “Of course…why?”

“You’re walking kind of funny,” she pointed out, and then ignored him in favor of her book. When she looked up again, presumably to tell him to go away, he tried the gazing soulfully into her eyes. It felt more like a staring contest to James, but who was he to argue with a smutty novel writer.

“Potter, why are you staring at me? It’s creepy.”

“Oh…I…uh…nevermind.”

“And why are you talking like that? Do you have a cold or something?”

He sighed, and went back to his normal voice.

“No, I just thought…Sirius said…”

He knew that mistake the moment the words left his mouth. It was just barely possible that there was one person at Hogwarts, nay, in the world, who Lily Evans hated more than him. That person was Sirius Black.

Lily folded her hand primly. “Potter, although it goes against every better instinct I have, I’m going to give you some advice. Never. Ever. Even-if-he-is-the-last-person-on-earth. Take. Advice. From. That. Git. Especially, do not take advice from him about what I might like.”

She picked up her books and stood.

“Oh, and Potter? I don’t want you to take this to mean that I have any feelings toward you other than deep loathing, but I like it better when you act like yourself.”

She walked out of the library, putting out a hand and messing up his hair even more as she passed him, and left him sitting there, grinning like an idiot.

She loves me.