Try Not To Hate Him

OneShotLoz

Rating: PG13
Genres: Angst, Drama
Relationships: Lily & James
Book: Lily & James, Books 1 - 4
Published: 04/11/2004
Last Updated: 05/11/2004
Status: in_progress

A conversation between Snape and Dumbledore on the night of the death of the Potters, that explains why Snape turned into the man he did. Complete- One shot only. I would greatly appreciate reviews!

Chapters

1. Try Not To Hate Him

1. Try Not To Hate Him

Author's Note: This is going to be only a one-shot story, my favourite kind. However, please review, as I may consider having a go at taking the perspectives of other characters at different times. As always, many thanks to JKR, the greatest of them all. This is my first fiction in a long time, so please, forgive the sloppiness. I have another one shot fic, “A grudge is Bourne”, which is of a similar style, though it is a different Hogwarts history to this, but please take a look if you like this one. And now the note is done. Enjoy!

Try not to hate him

He stood quietly at a window in the office, staring out into a starry black sky that meant less than it had meant the night before, and then it had meant nothing. There was never a hope in him for redemption, but his grief was now an absolute, and the bottom had dropped out of a life he had long since forgotten he had. The world was about to rejoice without him, for all he had loved was lost. Severus' eyes darted from star to star, as if searching the heavens for a word of comfort. But comfort was not what he needed now. What he needed was the courage and the cowardice to end it all there and then, and not care for the myriad consequences that would follow for others, but just to be free of a heaviness that he would now never shift from his heart and mind.

His reverie was broken by a voice he did and did not want to hear.

“Severus, sit down,” Albus suggested, “we need to talk, I think. Don't you?”

Severus turned in cold silence, arching an eyebrow. He did not want or need to talk, and Albus well knew this, but he was sure that Albus would use all his usual tricks. Sympathy. Empathy. Sorrow. Apology. Praise. Self-Blame. Before the hour was out he, a master of self-composure, would be shouting, screaming at this substitute for a father. It was Albus' way of getting everything out in the open; he seemed to fear feelings that would rather remain untold. Bringing them out in the open made his wards weak- how many times had he forced a confession out of Minerva in the same way? Always one to keep his poker face on was Albus, but he was far too dependent on seeing other people's cards to ever win the game. Smiling faintly to himself, he took a seat opposite this old bastard, and turned over in his mind how he was about to be broken into a state of sadness, of regret, of a restlessness that would haunt him for the rest of his days. He tried to savour the sense of calm he had now, for he knew that this denial and disbelief was a luxury he may never be afforded again all is life. His faux peace, that had served him so well since his later schooldays, was about to be stolen.

“I can't imagine what you're thinking” Albus said, matter-of-factly. Sly fox. The headmaster knew even then what Severus was thinking, and it grated. How DARE he presume to patronise him like that. How dare he even TALK to him?! And there it was, the first step. The indignance at Albus' cruel kindness in his own head.

“You know what I'm thinking. You always do. You always say you don't. Why Albus? Why do you do it?” Severus mused, knowing full well the answer.

“You've always been the cleverest, Severus. You know this old man too well,” Albus smiled, and conjured a teapot and two mugs. “but humour an old man, as you always do. You know this must be done.”

“Why must it? I'm quite happy to deny it all forever. I may well be dead in a week, and my last days would be peaceful if you'd never make me say it.”

Albus, ever the optimist, ignored Severus' hints at an imminent death, and carried on as if that were not an option.

“What happens when he arrives, Severus, as you know he will? Will your peace, as you call it, comfort you then? Or will you lose control when you lay eyes upon him? What will ease that pain? You'd kill him in an instant, maybe all the others in the classroom as well, because you never faced up to it before then. I need to make you think about it, if for no one else but him. I don't think it wise to delay.”

Albus poured the tea, breaking his steely eye contact for the first time. Severus stared at the flow of boiling water, wanting to drown. He looked up as Albus vanished the teapot, and resumed his stare. It was met with a look that said plainly “We both know you're right, so start me off.”

“Lily is dead. Your chances to ever resolve your differences are gone. Perhaps it is some consolation to you that Potter died with her; that I can't be sure of. You'll make an excellent head one day, Severus, you're far more accomplished at hiding your feelings than I was at twice your age.”

Severus chuckled. Headmaster. To make speeches. To guide the future through their formative years. To live on forever in portrait form, serving the school. Not really his style.

“I can't believe it yet,” he sighed, “but you will make me. Shall we begin picking apart our past, Albus? Or shall we work our way backwards.” He paused, and took a sip of the tea. “And it is no consolation to me at all. I have nothing to love and nothing to hate. I'm empty, Albus. I imagine a Dementor's kiss would cause little change to me.”

The headmaster smiled an irritatingly knowing smile.

“When did you last speak to her?”

“When we were seventeen.”

“Do you regret it?”

“What? Speaking to her? Or not speaking to her? Well, it matters not, I regret neither.” Severus lied. He regretted both, now more than ever.

Albus sighed, and put a hand to his weary eyes. He knew that he had to tear the bottom out of Severus' world, otherwise he was going to find his potion master dead in his office in the morning. Perhaps it would have been the kindest road, to let Severus end it all on his terms, but although many things, he was no murderer. In Albus' mind, if harm came to this man, who had always been his most loyal, through his own inaction, then he had as much killed him as if he had put a wand to Severus' head.

And if Severus did decide to end it all, people would want to know why. He was no liar, either. It would mean the truth being told, and it would mean living in fear that Harry would one day find out what he should never have to. That boy was going to grow up with the weight of the world on his shoulders as it was; to risk mentally screwing him up on a whole new level was too much. Severus continued:

“I never meant to join him. I was angry at the world, and it gave me an opportunity to vent it all.”

“Somewhat extreme though, don't you think? Some people take their anger out by punching a wall. You killed over a hundred people.”

“Yes, Thank you for that,” Severus spat in a fury that he anticipated. Albus must have been losing his touch; it never usually took so many minutes to make him raise his voice in sarcastic rage. “I am well aware of what I did and I have to live with that. I know we must go over…over all of my past with her, but don't make it worse than it needs to be. Let me mourn one death before I mourn a hundred.”

Albus nodded.

“You're right, I'm sorry, dear boy.”

“DON'T call me that. I'm not dear and I'm not a boy.”

Albus inclined his head as if to say “whatever”, driving Severus mad. He couldn't hold his head much longer. Albus was so cruel; this torture was worse than the ringing echoes of shouting parents, the usually unparalleled cruelty of schoolchildren, and even the childhood tortures he was about to drag up. Try to keep his cool he must, though he knew his moment was not far.

“Circumstance. If it had been the Ministry that was the main outlet of persecution at the time, then I would have joined them. Working to wipe out vampires, maybe. Or perhaps hindering the werewolves, or aggravating some Centaurs with vindictive by-laws, demanding they all be tagged and registered with the pony club. When you think about the whore that life is, Albus, was it the worst thing I could do to them, to set them free?”

“It's those they left behind that paid the price. That was the worst thing you could have done to them. The hundred or so you killed; no matter. The thousand or so you jaded with grief, now there is the torture. And now you reap your rewards, perhaps.”

This terrible accusation, that Severus deserved the blow he had just been dealt, was a whole new tactic. It didn't make him angry, but it broke him down. His insides imploded, and a silent tear escaped his emotionless eyes. Severus knew he had been a bad person all his life, but the Dark Lord himself did not deserve such anguish as he felt then. To think that Lily's death came for no reason or purpose was torture; to think it came to punish him for his mistakes of youth was like the death suspended. Paused so you must live in it until your body caught up and ceased to breathe. He closed his eyes slowly and bowed his head, but Albus did not let him pause.

“You don't like your alternative much, do you? You can feel like this for eleven years, and then let it all come out, or you can let it all out now, and see if it makes life any better. You have nothing to lose.” Albus pointed out, oh-so-quietly. At last it began.

“I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO LOSE BECAUSE I'VE ALREADY LOST IT ALL, ALBUS! AND YOU CAN'T CHANGE THAT, OLD MAN, YOU CAN'T!” Severus shouted, standing quickly. As he knocked his chair to the floor, there were tears filling his eyes. “I'M- I…” he paused, looking skywards in desperation “I have nothing to lose anymore. I can never…WHY do this now? Why even do it to me?”

Severus turned his back and took 4 steps towards the door, and then stopped, covering his eyes with a hand. He had been broken; the hard part was over. Albus considered the genius in front of him. He had never believed that Severus had been the man who loved none and hated all that he saw before him now. He had always known that it was a faÃ§ade, and had hoped that it would remain that until the day that Severus' demons disappeared. But now, after all that had happened that night, he knew they would never leave. The Potters, despite Severus' best efforts, had been slaughtered, only their son surviving. Their deaths had not been in vain, or so he thought at that moment; Riddle had vanished without trace, and already his supporters had scattered. He shook his head, staring into his cup of tea, and spoke sagely.

“Severus, you know why I must do this. You mean more to me than anything else; you've brought happiness to a very lonely old man, and for that and your services to our cause, I can never repay you. You know I wouldn't make you speak if it wasn't what had to be done. Now sit down.”

At first, this was a request, but apart from standing slightly taller in his despair, Severus gave no indication of having heard.

“Severus.”

He lifted his chair back up and sat, as ordered.

“You must admit that you love her in order that you can accept that you will never have her back now- I can't see…”

“Loved. Loved her, Albus. She's dead.”

“You will always love Lily, Severus, and it is for that reason you must come to terms with it now. You will never stop loving her, you will never stop missing her. You must accept that. Please.”

“I stopped loving her long ago, Albus.” He snapped. “She lied to me, she did me out of a happy future, she was…she was too cruel to love after that.”

“You were hardly supportive of her circumstances…”

“HOW COULD I?” Severus shouted, tears now rushing down his ivory cheeks, which looked older now than ever. “How could I support her when she didn't even tell me? How was I meant to feel? If she had EVER loved or trusted me, Albus, she would have told me.”

Albus let a single, subtle tear fall from his own eyes; to see your surrogate child so tormented was worse than he could ever have imagined. He spoke calmly, and soothingly:

“Lily loved you like she never loved anyone else her whole life; her world revolved around you, as yours did around her. But you were both young then, and dreadfully proud people. She always remained so, even when she married James.”

“Who could be proud to marry him?” Severus spat, in a cruel sarcastic tone.

“A woman who intended to live a good and respectable life. A woman who intended to be sensible. A woman who intended to make her parents proud. A woman who knew she could never have the man she loved. She wasn't proud of her marriage, Severus, but she was most definitely proud that everyone thought she was. Few remember how inseparable you two were before that…incident.”

The unusually tactless slip up hit home again.

“Few remember. Thankfully, I don't count myself one of that few; I…” but Severus angry tone and spiteful words caught in his throat, and again his sorrow got the better of him. “I struggle to remember how much I…how much we were…oh god, what does it matter now? I loved her so much. If she had just told me then it would have been different.”

“Severus, you were 17. Still at school. And the world was not so accepting then as it is now. And it would have been a thousand times worse for her- yes I know that is hard to believe but it's true,” Albus continued, sensing an angry response to his defence of the young Lily's actions. “She would have left Hogwarts, that I'm sure of. Can you imagine the whispers she would have had to endure? That you would have had to endure? Young, unmarried and pregnant was not acceptable in those days.”

“Those days?” Severus half-laughed “You make me feel as old as you Albus. It was barely 7 years ago!”

“That,” Albus mused, “Is not the point.”

Severus paused, looking past everything and out of the window once again. It was lighter now; dawn was approaching. The whole world would know soon that the Dark lord was gone, and their days would be brighter from now on. He doubted very much that his own would ever be lighter than the dim twilight that lingered now around the walls of Hogwarts. For so long he had forced the memories of his school days away into some secret locked box in the depths of his mind, and among the thousand emotions he felt tonight, he was sure that somewhere there was relief. In truth, whatever had happened in his life, he knew that one day that box would be opened again. He had imagined how it might have been; perhaps he would have fallen for another. Perhaps he would discover some sort of religion and forgive the world for wronging him, and ask for his own forgiveness in return. Perhaps, and this had been his favourite dream, one day she would come back to him. Perhaps they would both have long enough to think on their mistakes, and realise that pride did not matter. Perhaps he may one day have been happy again. Perhaps not.

Albus sipped his tea, and steepled his fingers under his chin, looking deep into the eyes of a very disturbed young man. Severus had never been a very good occlumens, but lately he had been improving, as if he knew what had been coming, though that was impossible. No matter how he tried, Albus could not discern what he was thinking now. He had his suspicions, but that was all.

“Did you know?” Severus asked, not moving his eyes from the slowly lightening horizon.

“No.” Albus answered truthfully. “I am an observant man, Severus, and I see most that goes on in this school, but that I did not. It is my biggest regret that I was unaware. I did not even know of your relationship until around a month prior to her miscarriage-” he paused slightly, but Severus still did not move or look “An old man's mistake.”

“You seem keen to remind me that you are old, tonight.”

“I am keen to remind myself that I have forgotten how hard it is to be young.”

Severus finally tore his eyes from the fading evenstar, and looked at Albus once again. He did look fragile now; something that did not become the great and good Albus Dumbledore.

“I don't believe that you didn't know that. You must have,” he said softly. “you always know now when students are involved, you can't have missed it.”

“Severus, I look upon you as the son I never had. You will never know how awful the days were for me when I feared you would not return from Voldemort. In single nights I would age years, worrying that you would end up dead or worse. That is a feeling I hope you never have. Since your father died I have looked at you as my own, whether you like it or not, and that has always clouded my judgement.” He smiled “Parents only see what they want to see; I wanted to see a troubled little boy grow into a bright and promising young man, with no complications to lead him astray. I wanted the best for you, Severus, and that is what I saw. A gifted potions student who would one day have an excellent job in the Ministry or even begin something of his own- you know, I have long thought that this country needs some kind of potions research institution…by I digress. I saw everything in your future, but paid far too little attention to your present. That is why I did not see everything that time.”

Despite feeling as awful as he did, Severus couldn't help but be touched by this admission of ignorance. But as Albus had already said, that was not the point. There was no time now to dwell on their relationship.

“So when did you guess? Surely that would have removed those rose-tinted glasses of yours?”

“At the Yule ball. There was no Tri-Wizard tournament, or event of special importance that year, but your young minds were troubled. I felt I needed to distract you all from the horrors of Voldemort's time with something.”

Severus smiled at the memory of that night, when he had still been in love. Lily had stepped through the doors of the great hall looking pale, but happy, with a crowd of fellow Gryffindors. Although they had been seeing each other for over a year by then, no one knew. They had decided to keep their romance a secret and attend separately, for none of their friends would have approved of a Slytherin-Gryffindor pairing. Friendships were permitted, but relationships were silently forbidden by what was then, at the beginning of the war, a friendly inter-house rivalry- it sometimes made him sad to see how his own house, too stubborn to repent, now hated the Gryffindors, too stubborn to forgive. Albus continued:

“I was discussing with Filius the marvellous scented mist that he had produced over the ceiling with a very clever charm of his own invention- cinnamon will always remind me of Christmas. We were chatting quietly at the staff table, when I glanced across the room. I must have come across quite rude, though I think as soon as I stopped listening our Charms Master knew why. It seems that I am not the only observant old man in this school,” he paused.

“Flitwick knew?!” Severus asked, genuinely surprised.

“Yes. My glance turned into a stare of disbelief when I saw you, and he stopped talking immediately. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him smile knowingly, and hop off to talk to Minerva, who I believe is the one who told him. “

“MINERVA KNEW?!” Severus gaped, shocked. “Did the whole faculty know before you?!”

“No no, just the two of them. Minerva has always kept an eye on you”- Severus chuckled, but Albus continued as if he had not heard “And she has a sharp eye- one not clouded by…what did you call it? Ah yes- `rose-tinted glasses'. Her interest in you was more like an elder sister, who wanted to get you into trouble, but at the same time keep you safe.”

Albus poured himself some more tea from the end of his wand, though Severus had not touched his own in the hour or so they had been sat there, so he did not bother to conjure another.

“And don't forget, Lily was in her own house. She had good reason to watch both of you like a hawk, and I guess she just put fire and cauldron together. She was surprised, I think. That is why she told Filius, to see if he too had seen it. He had not, but you were both in his advanced Charms class- he was able to confirm her suspicions.”

“How did you guess? We spent the whole ball avoiding each other.” Severus asked thoughtfully, remembering how hard it had been not to even talk to the girl in beautiful emerald and auburn robes that matched her hair and eyes. She had looked so perfect that he remembered feeling sorry for all the other boys in the hall, even Potter, whom she had danced with once or twice. He knew then that James liked her, and had fully expected to feel jealous when she stepped onto the dancefloor with him. For an instant he did, but as they turned to begin, James putting his arm around her waist and taking her hand in his, she looked over James's shoulder and caught her lover's eye. She smiled softly, and that moment had lasted forever in Severus' memory. He knew James was no threat to him, and remembered that it was not James she would wake up beside early Boxing Day morning. Thank Merlin for the invisibility charm, and the ignorance of a young Argus Filch.

“The way you looked at her when she walked through the door and into the hall. You only looked for a few seconds, but the adoration in your eyes was obvious. After that it was obvious to me, every time I saw either one of you; I could not believe I had never seen it there before. Perhaps if I had not noticed then, I may have noticed Lily's condition soon after, but I saw no wrong in her after that night. She made you happy, and that made me happy as well.

I don't think you were too careful all that night though-“ Albus continued “Remus and Sirius went for a walk in the grounds after the ball, I've no doubt smoking something they shouldn't have…but on their way back, they saw her on that map of theirs, on her way to Slytherin tower. They never told James.”

This genuinely surprised Severus- he knew about that damn map- they'd used it enough to find him in their younger days to torment him, but he had simply never thought about it.

“Why not? I would have thought a new excuse to try and hex me to pieces would have been great for them.” He spat, almost bitterly.

“I believe Remus' moderation was the main reason. He knew that James would have got himself expelled, probably Sirius too, if he'd asked him. And he knew that would mean James would ensure Lily would hate him forever…and anyway- you were a much more accomplished wizard than him after your OWLS, he stood very little chance.”

Severus sighed. He grew tired of all this painful talk. Albus looked and probably felt worse than he had ever felt before, and his self-blame was tonight oddly unfamiliar, much more genuine. He was realising for the first time as they talked how he had not seen what was going on, and what he had failed to prevent. It was time to draw this to a close.

“You were not to know, Albus. The only one who should be ashamed for not noticing was me. The first I knew was when you sent that house elf to my dormitory on the 24th of January, at about 3am.”

“You have a good memory.”

“I do. Perhaps it is my punishment that I should remember that night so well.”

“I didn't know what was wrong with her when I sent the house elf- Poppy had just told me that Lily had been taken seriously ill during the night, and had come to her, but collapsed as she spoke. I sent for you immediately of course, but I did not want to be the first to know what was wrong.”

“I remember Poppy's face when I crashed into the hospital wing,” Severus said, his voice now empty of all emotion. “She was outraged- shouted at me to get out, I shouldn't be there, she was dealing with an emergency. She didn't know it was my fault. I begged her to tell me what was wrong with Lily, and told her that you had sent for me, and then she guessed. She told me that the baby was lost, and that Lily was in danger herself. She still made me wait outside-“

“She had to give you a sedative to calm you down..” Albus remembered.

“But a mild one; one that meant I could…I could have said my goodbyes if necessary…I couldn't believe there was a baby, you know. It took me months to realise that I too had lost a child that night. But I didn't need to say goodbye…we never did…”

A pregnant pause filled the air between them.

“Would you have preferred it if that was how it had ended?” Albus asked

“Of course not…” Severus said quickly, but then he thought. Since Lily has miscarried, they had spoken little. Why, he would never know, but one thing had lead to another and they were angry at each other forever after that. If she had died that night, he would have been with her, he would have been certain that he was the only man she ever loved. He would have never have driven her into the arms of James Potter, and he would have been able to say goodbye. All of a sudden, he very much wished to be alone.

“I must go Albus.”

“Yes you must” agreed the headmaster, and he stood, and walked around his desk. “Try not to hate him, Severus. Your paths will cross one day, and I know you will never be able to see him in a favourable light…”

“He is half James, I will not be able to help hating him.”

“He is half Lily” Dumbledore said firmly. “Remember that. He was the second boy she loved in her life- surely that should be his saving grace. And James was not the monster you believed, Severus.”

Severus snorted at this foolish description of a man he hated more than anything.

“He should have been mine.” Severus said quietly, a single tear once again escaping his tired eyes. He stood and turned, took a small pinch of powder from a golden pot on the mantelpiece, and said “Home.” Where home was, Albus did not know anymore. He sat back down behind his desk, and put his head in his hands, before deciding that he too should retire, though he doubted he would sleep. He worried for them both. How the loss of one woman could ruin the lives of two people in such very different ways was heartbreaking.

Albus and Severus never spoke of that conversation again, and they both tried very hard to forget it all. Albus however, was reminded of it terribly 15 years later, when he had to tear the bottom out of another young man's world, another young man who was old before his time. Another young man who had worse to come, and would have to face it alone. But hopefully, peace would come to them both soon.

Fin

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