The Talk

diggingupophelia

Rating: PG13
Genres: Humor
Relationships: Harry & Hermione
Book: Harry & Hermione, Books 1 - 5
Published: 08/11/2004
Last Updated: 08/11/2004
Status: completed

What happens when our fair hero is faced with a twelve year old daughter and his fears about boys and sex.... R/R...oh yeah and I know I have 3 other stories that need my attention but this plot bunny wouldn't go away until I did somethign with it so forgive me!

Chapters

1. The Talk

1. The Talk

A/N: I know I am supposed to be working on other stories, but this just won't get out of my head, and until this leaves my head there will be no progress made on any other story I am supposed to be working on. I am not sure where this particular idea came from or why I thought it was so funny, but I have to write it anyways, so since I didn't mind writing it, I also wouldn't mind reviews to let me know how you like it or don't like it *wink-wink-nudge-nudge*

The Talk

Harry was sitting in his office, grading a few essays from his seventh year Defense Against the Dark Arts class, when his twelve year old daughter came into his office and stared at him. Normally, Harry would have noticed this right away, however, he was very involved on the essays detailing the various methods of magical detection of dark magic, and so about five minutes after his daughter entered the room, Harry jumped about three feet off of his chair when he glanced to look at the clock and saw intense green eyes boring a hole into the back of his head.

“LILY! HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I ASKED YOU NOT TO DO THAT!” Harry yelled as he settled himself back into his chair while simultaneously rearranging the parchment on his desk.

“Actually Dad, that would be the first time” she managed to sputter out in between giggles.

“Oh” he paused and then gave his daughter his full attention, “What is that you needed then, love?”

Lily mumbled something that was totally beyond the comprehension of any English speaking person.

“C'mon, love, I doubt what ever you have to tell me is that bad that I can't handle it, after I all…”

“You defeated Voldemort…I know, I swear dad, if I have to hear that one more time…”

“Cheeky little thing, aren't you?” Harry didn't give her a chance to say anything, “Now whatever it was that you needed was important enough to drag you out of Gryffindor Tower, under my invisibility cloak after curfew, so?”

“Fine” Lily's face turned a violent shad of red, “I…uh…well…Istartedmyperiod”

“You what?” he really hated it when these children mumbled, all day long he had to listen to his students mumble answers at him and now his own child was acting like he was Snape or something equally horrifying to a child. “Oh, would you like me to call your mother, I know she is with your grandparents, but maybe she would be better..”

“NO!” Lily shouted. She could just see her mother now. Hermione Granger-Potter, most powerful witch in her generation tuning into a babbling blithering mess because her baby is all grown up. Honestly, it was bad enough that she had to tell her dad, she was sure he knew nothing about this sort of thing, “I mean…erm…Mum will just think you are an irresponsible father who can't handle a simple situation, I mean after all Dad, you did defeat Voldemort!” And then Lily grinned, she knew she had her father by the bollocks now, and she just bought herself another two days with out her Mum fussing over her!”

“Well when you..uh..put it that way, love” Harry was really uncomfortable with this situation. He and Hermione had prepared for these `talks' with the children, and he was all prepared to talk to James about how masturbating won't make one go blind and how he always had to make sure he did the charms and all that stuff, Hermione was the one with the mountains of books and notes and moving diagrams for their two daughters. He wanted nothing more than to go grab her from her parents' house and have her explain how it comes about that girls no longer get to go near unicorns. “So, do you need anything? Do you have any questions?” He wanted to take back that last phrase so bad, he was almost comforted by the fact that his daughter was just as uncomfortable with the situation as he was, but then again at the same time it bothered him.

“Mum said she had sanitary napkins in her bath”

“Why wouldn't she give them to you?”

“I guess she thought I was still too young or something”

With the uttering of that sentence, Harry's world seemed to come crashing down around him. My daughter is old enough to have a child. I have to barricade her in the Tower until twenty years after she graduates. No, Hermione wouldn't allow that, ok so I have to use that chastity spell, or I could have a ghost follow her around at all times, no, no the chastity spell has that alarm, then I can catch the little wanker who thinks he can just take her and … Harry was ripped by his thoughts when he noticed that Lily was staring at him again. “Yes, love?”

“Can we go?”

“Oh, right, yes, well come along”

Harry fixed Lily some tea, and poured himself a nice shot of fire whiskey, well maybe a shot is an overstatement (last year when Ron and Luna went on a trip to The Salem Institute in America they went to a Pirate museum, and Ron brought Harry back a shot glass the size of a rather large tumbler with lines marking out varying states of drunkenness,) Harry filled it to `Aahr Mate, which was at the very top and then settled on to the couch next to his daughter; if he was going to have this particular talk with this particular child with out going into the school and sterilizing every male child in attendance he would need the alcohol!

“Dad, why do you have that glass? You only use that when you want to keep yourself from doing something stupid” noted Lily

Harry took a big swig of the vile, yet calming liquid in his glass, “Ok, well there are a few things that you should know” he paused to take another swig, “Just because your body is telling you that you are old enough to have children, does NOT give you license to practice the techniques that produce children”

“What?”

“Are you telling me you have no idea how people come to produce children” Harry then raised that glass to his lips again.

“Merlin, Dad, you are sounding more and more like that old bat in the dungeon every day… why can't you just say,” and she put on her best impression of her father's voice, “Lily, just because you have your period does not mean you are allowed to have sex”

Harry proceeded to spray his daughter with the fire whiskey he was holding in his mouth, “Watch your language! You are too young to use the `s' word!”

“Sex?” she said as she smirked

“Yes that word!”

“Well dad, rest assured, I promise I won't have sex”

“Good”

“Until I am at least in my third year!” she really had to try to suppress the grin and giggles that were bubbling up in her throat.

“I am glad to hear that you are going to ….” Harry all of sudden realized what she said, “You will not have sex until you are married for at least five years”

Lily rolled her eyes, “Well I'll have you know that Marcus Malfoy and I will wait until we are married”

“Good then…MALFOY!” Harry was about to have a heart attack. He couldn't believe he was having this discussion with his daughter, his sweet, innocent daughter who didn't like boys because they had strange ailments and she just didn't know what sex was. He really wanted to go and find Hermione's time turner and be done with this whole mess.

Now Lily was laughing uncontrollably. Harry cut in, “What is so funny?”, he was bordering on angry maybe teetering on insane, Lily couldn't be sure since she really couldn't see his face through her tears of laughter, “Malfoy? Come on dad…I wish you could have seen the look on your face…that had to be…ow…oh Merlin…ouch!” Lily wasn't laughing anymore.

“What is it, love” Harry's anger dissipated and he was now concerned that something was wrong with his daughter.

“Nothing, Dad, my sides hurt from laughing so hard” she paused and took another look at him, “Well I guess I'd better get back to my dorm before anyone notices I am gone” Lily put on the cloak and headed out of her parents' chambers and back to her dorm.

“Uh, love, aren't you forgetting something?” called Harry after Lily, holding up a box of sanitary napkins.

Lily pulled the cloak down to her shoulders and turned to face her dad, “No, I have some up in my dorm, Aunt Ginny and I made a bet. She bet me ten galleons that you'd call mum before talking to me about sex and boys, I guess I am ten galleons richer!” She pulled the cloak back over her head and just as she stepped out of the portrait hole…

“And ten points poorer for Gryffindor! You almost gave me a heart attack!”

Lily just giggled and left her father to his big shot of Ogden's.

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