Two Teachers, HHr, & Snogging

Ruddy_Brilliant

Rating: PG13
Genres: Romance, Humor
Relationships: Harry & Hermione
Book: Harry & Hermione, Books 1 - 4
Published: 12/12/2004
Last Updated: 06/01/2005
Status: completed

Harry/Hermione. Ron/Luna. Neville/Susan. Snape/McGonagall. Yes, really! =D

Chapters

1. Chapter 1

2. Chapter 2

3. Chapter 3

4. Chapter 4

5. Chapter the Last

1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer, Comments, Etc.: Hey guys, this is only my second fanfic posted on Portkey, so don’t be too hard on me!! Oh, and the disclaimer: none of this is mine it’s all JKR’s because that would be utterly freaky if it was mine, yada yada yada, how many times have we heard this now?

~*~

“Harry, for the seventeenth time this day, please stop humming the tune to the Hogwarts School Song!!!”

Harry blinked and registered the annoyed image of Hermione Granger and amused one of Ron Weasley. “W-was I?” he stammered. “B-but I’m j-j-just p-poor, st-stuttering p-professor, I-I m-m-mean, st-student H-Harry P-P-Potter!”

He and Ron dissolved into laughter as Hermione rolled her eyes. “Easily amused, honestly, goodness sakes,” she muttered while making a start on her towering stack of bread and butter.

“Do my little ears deceive me?” came the incredulous voice of someone familiar. “Did I just hear Hermione say she was ‘easily aroused’?”

Hermione rolled her eyes again. “Cut the Fred-and-George act, Neville, it’s not working for you,” she replied, buttering one of her slices.

Neville gave a sigh and flopped onto the bench next to Hermione. “My life is so, so pathetic,” he said. “I mean, what can I do? Nothing. What can’t I do? Everything. Does that seem heroic to you?”

Ron shook his head. “No, not really, Neville,” he answered, helping himself to some buttered crumpets.

Neville buried his face in his hands. Hermione glared.

“Can I say, r-h-e-t-o-r-i-c-a-l?” she asked.

Harry let out a laugh and turned to Neville.

“Cheer up, Nevs,” he said. “At least you’ve got a girl.”

“Yes, I do have a girl, but Harry, every single girl in this entire school wants to go out with you!!” exclaimed Neville. “You have girls willing to pay you to date them!”

“But,” said Harry, “why would I want to date one of them? That’s the problem. I only want to date someone I actually like.”

“Very sweet, Harry,” said Hermione. “I suppose that’s why you dated Marcia?”

“Can I say, f-l-i-n-g?” Harry asked.

Hermione grinned. “Cute,” she said, “and clever. Points.”

“Oh, shaddup,” retorted Harry lazily, reaching for her Daily Prophet.

“My paper,” replied Hermione, slapping at his hand.

“Bleh,” Harry replied.

“You two,” interjected Ron, “are starting to become like me and Luna.”

Harry’s mouth opened. “Luna’s - your - girlfriend -” he stammered.

“Is she really,” said Ron, giving Harry a patronizing glance. “I hadn’t noticed.”

“But- but-” stammered Harry again.

Ron rolled his eyes. “Yeah, when you’re done stammering, Harry, come up to the common room and help me on that Potions homework. It’s due tomorrow and I haven’t got a clue what I’m supposed to do.”

And with that, he picked up his bag and left the Great Hall.

Harry, completely bewildered, turned to Hermione.

“Wha-?” he asked. “What on earth did he mean by tha-”

His words were cut short by Hermione’s face, which had turned bright red.

“Hey! You okay?” he asked her worriedly.

Hermione nodded quickly. “Yeah, yeah, fine,” she said. “Just- er- um- we should um- we should go- go help Ron,” she finished, now blushing furiously again.

Harry shrugged. “Sure,” he said. “Yay. Potions. Who’s not excited?”

Hermione grinned and gave him a playful shove on the arm. “Come on,” she said. “You’ll need the knowledge for your N.E.W.T. Potions class!!”

Harry snorted. “Yeah, me taking N.E.W.T. Potions is about as likely as Neville Longbottom becoming Minister of Magic tomorrow.”

Hermione shrugged. “Hey, never know,” she said. “I daresay it could happen, because I mea-”

Whatever she was saying next was cut off then by Harry’s loud laughter.

*~*

They were on the fourth floor when it happened. The pair of them turned a corner, and-

“Oh my,” gasped Hermione.

“Holy- fucking- shit,” said Harry.

For down at the end of the corridor were Professors McGonagall and Snape, making out as if the world was going to end in the next few minutes. To say the very least, they both looked like they were trying to devour each other’s - taste.

“Oh, my, God,” breathed Hermione. “I think I’m going to be sick.”

Harry nodded vehemently. “That is one of the single most grossest things I have ever seen in my life, and I live with the Dursleys.”

The two stood there for a few seconds, transfixed, just watching Snape and McGonagall make out with a kind of passion and fervor that they had never seen from either of them in all the time that they had known them.

“Crap,” whispered Hermione, “oh, bloody crap, they’re going to turn this way-”

“Quick!” hissed Harry, and he grabbed Hermione and pulled her into a rather deep crevice set in the wall.

The two stood as still as they could, pressed up right against each other and breathing hard. For some reason, Harry found his heart beating very fast, and he seemed to get a rather cozy feeling, being pressed up right against Hermione and all.

Hermione suddenly looked up and stared Harry straight in the eye. Harry also stared back, somehow unable to take his eyes away from her gaze. The two were entranced in the other’s eyes for what seemed like an eternity....

~*~

Harry lost all of his common sense at some point or another and suddenly found himself kissing Hermione. And what was even more surprising, he also found Hermione kissing him back! Snape and McGonagall were forgotten as the kiss grew deeper and more passionate. Indeed, they were so utterly wrapped up in each other that they didn’t even notice when two shadows fell on them in their crevice.

“Potter. Granger,” came the snarling, satisfied voice of Professor Snape. “Would you mind breaking apart for a moment so we can discuss your punishment?”

Hermione gasped into Harry’s mouth and the two broke apart from each other, looking wide-eyed.

“Honeyyyy,” cooed Professor McGonagall gently, and in a slightly whiny voice. The sound made both Harry and Hermione start and stare at their Transfiguration teacher, for they had certainly never, even in their wildest dreams, expected her to sound like that.

“Honeyyyy,” McGonagall whined again. “Don’t be so hard on them, lovey. They were just getting into the holiday spirit, as we are, marshmallow. Come along, let’s go relax by the lake and eat buttered crumpets.”

Snape’s expression changed, and he smiled and pecked McGonagall gently on the lips. “Whatever you say, darling,” he replied dreamily. “I’m yours forever, lovey bird.”

And the two walked off together, gazing adoringly into the other’s eyes.

Harry and Hermione stared at each other, open-mouthed and wide-eyed.

“Bloody hell,” breathed Harry finally. “Did- did our world just kinda flip upside down? Snape and McGonagall have an affair going, er- you and me- er-”

He stopped, blushing, and Hermione looked down at her hands, her face also flushing bright red.

“-well,” finished Harry in a slightly louder voice. “What do you say, now that two of our most feared teachers are gone, we do some more of what we were doing before in that little crevice?”

Hermione’s head snapped up to see Harry’s green eyes dancing mischievously. Her lips curved into a grin.

“Prat,” she managed to murmur before Harry’s lips reclaimed hers.

2. Chapter 2

Comments, Disclaimer, etc.: Hey everybody, due to extreme urging by all who read and reviewed this story, here’s the second chapter of it. And DON’T WORRY, THERE IS MORE TO COME!!!!!!! Well, more will come as soon as I find a way to get my h/w done before 2 am =P kidding. Thanks for the great reviews on the first chapter everybody; I hadn’t originally planned to continue this, but all the reviews just totally changed my mind! =D thanks people luv y’all don’t forget to review !!

oh, and btw, this chapter is one I’m especially proud of because I just think it’s a bunch of laughs and fun to work with. enjoy! =)

oh, haha, almost forgot: not mine, all JK’s, she’s smart, I’m not. we get this?

*~*

“Harry,” whispered Hermione into Harry’s mouth, a few minutes after Snape and McGonagall had walked away. “Harry.”

Harry reluctantly pulled away. “What?” he asked her, not unkindly, however.

“We should probably be going up to help Ron and such,” she replied. “I mean, he said to come up and help him with Potions and all, and we’ve been down here watching the- er- two professors- make out and us making out ourselves for... er... some time now.”

Harry grinned. “Hermione,” he said. “Do you seriously think Ron went up to the common room to do his homework? Or for that matter, even went up to the common room?”

Hermione looked up at him with a puzzled look. “Well... yeah...” she responded. “I mean- well, I think he did....” She frowned and looked at Harry again. “Well, where else would he go?”

Harry grinned wickedly and explained: “Did you notice that when Ron exited the Great Hall, he didn’t turn towards the stairs leading to the Gryffindor common room at all?”

“No,” said Hermione, looking at him in wonder. “I was too busy blushing over what Ron had said - about us being like we were going out or something, remember?”

“Of course I remember,” Harry replied clearly. Then he added, “ruddy bastard” while Hermione giggled. Harry’s smile grew wider. “Well,” he continued, “Ron most certainly did not turn to go to the Gryffindor common room when he left the Great Hall. His choice of course was more towards... oh, shall we say, the Ravenclaw common room?”

Hermione’s mouth opened and her mouth grew wide. Then, suddenly, she broke out in a fit of giggles. She slid down the wall to the floor, unable to contain her bubbling laughter.

Harry grinned and slid down beside her. “Yeah,” he said. “I think it was get-together time with Luna, don’t you?”

Hermione’s only response to this was more giggles. Harry smiled in amusement and watched her literally roll on the floor with laughter. For the second time that day, neither of them noticed as two shadows fell on them in their little crevice.

“So....” came a sudden voice from above, “just when, exactly, was I going to be informed of this sudden change in you two’s relationship?”

Far from gasping and looking scared, as she had done before, Hermione just looked up at the figures of Ron and Luna towering over her and laughed harder than ever.

Harry grinned helplessly as Ron and Luna looked at each other in amazement, then at them.

“Er- Harry?” Ron asked. “Are you guys- er- what, exactly- er- oh, what the hell are you guys doing in here?!”

“Oh, Ronnie,” giggled Luna suddenly, “we’ve been in here before, remember? Remember that day when Snape caught us making out in the guys’ bathroom and chased us up and down the hallways and we slipped in here to finish our making out and watch Snape try to find us?”

Ron looked as if he was in between smiling at Luna and strangling her.

“Luna, my darling,” he said between clenched teeth, “I was trying to make a point here. That little - incident - was a very long time ago-”

“No it wasn’t,” Luna giggled. “It was just last week!”

“Er, Luna,” stammered Ron, “er, I don’t- think it was. Maybe it was er- a couple of months ago. Like maybe- last month. Or maybe, you were trying to say- last year? It was last year?”

At this point, Harry cut in. “Uh, Ron?” he asked. “You guys’ve only been going out since this year, remember?”

“Remember?” pressed Luna.

“ANYWAY,” Ron continued, “that is not the point. The point is that- er- well, my two best friends were making out in a nook in the wall!!!”

Hermione, who had still been in fits of giggles before this, cut in now: “Hey Ron, why’s that bad? Is, er, Luna’s bedroom better for that sort of thing?”

At this comment, Harry, Hermione, and Luna all burst out laughing. Ron, however, looked as if he could fry omelettes on his ears.

“Oh, come on, Ron,” giggled Luna. “Tell ‘em my bedroom’s better! We’ve been in both this nook and my bedroom, we should know!”

“Yeah Ron, tell us!” egged on Harry and Hermione. “We need the true facts!” Harry exclaimed.

“Oh, my, God, you guys,” said Ron finally, whose ears now looked like they had an extreme sunburn, “fine, I’ll tell you. This nook is way better. First of all, Luna’s bedroom has all these portraits of famous wizards and witches in it, and they’re always laughing and snickering and pointing at us. And then there’s her roommate Lilly, who’s always walking in on us just when we’re at the height of our making out. This somehow private, yet intensely uncomfortable, nook in the wall is so much better.”

Harry, Luna, and Hermione just stared at him for a moment, and then the three burst out laughing again. Ron just stared as they nearly keeled over, clutching their stomachs with laughter.

Suddenly, they heard footsteps and voices outside their little crevice. They all fell silent as two figures walked past them without noticing them.

Harry and Hermione, on recognizing the two figures, immediately burst out again into silent giggles. Ron and Luna, however, just looked puzzled.

“What’s so funny about Snape and McGonagall?” he whispered to Harry and Hermione.

“Well,” replied Harry, grinning at him, “for starters, you might want to glance out this little nook and see what, exactly, they’re doing.”

Ron and Luna, now thoroughly bewildered, peered around the edge of the nook to see what McGonagall and Snape were up to.

Almost immediately, they ducked back inside, and Luna immediately sank to the floor in a severe silent-giggling fit. Ron, however, looked as though he had just seen Dumbledore in his boxers parading around Hogwarts. On his face was complete. And total. Shock. Just watching him struggle to comprehend what he had just seen was enough to send Harry and Hermione into fits of laughter again.

Finally, Ron spoke.

“Were they-” he said in a hoarse whisper, “you know- them-” (motioning to the two professors making out outside) “-were they just- ah- doing something which just kinda- ah- oh, just kinda scarred me for life here?”

As Hermione and Luna were already occupied in rolling around on the floor laughing their heads off, it was Harry who answered Ron’s question.

“Well,” he said, “in simple words... yes. Yes, they were.”

Ron just stared at him for a moment, and then he, too, sank down to the floor in a gale of laughter. Giving up the urge to hold in his laughter, Harry, too, sank down right next to the three of them already down there and laughed his freakin’. Heart. Out. !!!!!!!!!!

3. Chapter 3

“Omg, what are all you guys doing here?!”

Thus came the voice of a certain Neville Longbottom, standing there peering at the four of them rolling around on the floor. Beside him, wearing an equally bewildered expression, was his girlfriend, Susan Bones.

Harry looked up at the two of them and set off into laughter again. Confused, Neville turned to Ron, and then Hermione, but was met with the same answer. It was finally Luna who answered him.

“Neville,” she whispered in a solemn tone, “do you see those two people down the hall?” She paused, and then added, “Could you tell me what they’re doing?”

Neville and Susan glanced down the hallway for the first time. The four already in the crevice watched them eagerly. Neville’s eyes grew wide and he suddenly collapsed next to Harry, shaking with laughter. Susan soon followed suit.

“Yeah,” whispered Luna, “yeah, thanks.”

*~*

Snape and McGonagall had left the hallway by the time Harry, Hermione, Ron, Luna, Neville, and Susan had collected themselves and moved on. With a solemn pact not to tell anybody about what they had just witnessed, they all split up: Neville and Susan to go make out in Hufflepuff’s common room, Ron and Luna to go make out in Ravenclaw’s, and Harry and Hermione to go make out in Gryffindor’s.

All too soon, however, it was time for dinner. Harry and Hermione picked themselves up from the couch, straightened their clothes, and headed down to the Great Hall for some nourishment after a long day of laughing, making out, and watching other people make out.

“Hey Ron, hey Luna,” Harry greeted them cordially, not revealing in the slightest of the day’s affairs. Hermione greeted them accordingly.

“Hey?” replied Ron, looking at him in a confused way. He said bye to Luna and then sat down next to Harry. Almost immediately, Neville came running over.

“Guys,” he panted, slumping on the table and gasping, “everybody knows!”

Harry, Ron, and Hermione just stared at him blankly.

“Everybody- knows?” repeated Hermione.

“Yes!!” Neville exclaimed. “About McGonagall and you-know-who!!”

“OMG!!!!” came a sudden squeal from the left of Neville, and the four of them looked over to see Parvati Patil sitting dumbstruck. “McGonagall’s in accordance with You-Know-Who!” she whispered. “I should’ve known!”

And with that, she rushed off down the table to tell the rest of Gryffindor House that.

“Parvati-” Harry started, but then stopped. It was of no use. Once you got Parvati fixed on something, you could never change her opinion or her mind.

“Anyway,” cut in Hermione, looking intently at Neville, “how - in the holy hell, pardon the language - does everybody know?!”

For some reason, all eyes suddenly fell on Ron. He shifted in his seat and looked mildly uncomfortable.

“Uh...” he faltered. “Why- why- why’s everyone looking at me?”

But Harry knew. “Ron!!!” he exclaimed. “You told!!!”

Ron shifted again and went very red in the face. “Told?” he asked. “Uh, told what?”

“Ron, shut up,” said Hermione. “You told everyone!!”

“Okay, so I can’t keep a secret!” Ron admitted. “Uh...”

“Yeah, ‘uh...’ is right!” Harry exclaimed. “The whole school knows! Omg, Ron!”

The three of them just stared at Ron. Then, all of a sudden, they all broke out into laughter. Clutching their sides, Harry, Hermione, Neville, and Ron slumped on the benches, gasping for breath as great laughs mercilessly overtook their bodies.

“Well, well, well,” came the snarling voice of Professor Snape for the second time that day. “What have we here? What is all this laughter about?”

The four of them turned scared eyes upon him, standing over them in his evil and imposing manner.

“Uh....” tried Hermione. “Uh....” she faltered.

“Well?” Snape barked. “Is there an explanation?”

“Well, actually, sir,” started Ron, “we were just laughing over- over- over this uh, joke, yeah, joke, that Harry told. It was- uh- really funny! Yeah! Really funny! It was!”

Snape looked at him suspiciously. “Joke, you say,” he said thoughtfully. Then, abruptly, he turned to Harry. “Let’s hear it, then.”

Harry was taken aback. “Uh- wha-?” he stammered.

“The- joke-” snarled Snape. “Now.”

Harry glanced helplessly over at Ron, who mouthed, “MAKE UP A JOKE!!!! PLEASE!!!!”

Harry gulped and squirmed. “Right,” he said breathlessly, trying to sound natural. “The joke. Well, uh....” He turned to Hermione. “Uh... uh... well, um... um... oh, why the hell did the chicken cross the road?!” he blurt out.

Across the table, Ron slapped his hand to his forehead. Hermione looked like she was on the verge of bursting out laughing; however, she managed to keep her face blank and respond quite calmly, “I don’t know, Harry. Please, tell me why.”

Harry gulped again and tried to grin. “Because- because- because he wanted to get to the other side!!!” he blurt out again. “Uh- hahahahahahaha!!!”

Taking the cue, Hermione, Neville, and Ron also started laughing. Harry snuck a few glances at Snape, who was standing as if frozen by their lameness.

“Please,” snarled Snape, “at least try to amuse me next time.”

And with that, he walked off.

Once he was safely out of earshot, Harry turned to Ron and hissed, “Ron, I hate you!! Never do that to me again!!”

“Well,” giggled Hermione, who seemed to be having quite the laugh attack, “you’ve got to admit, that was pretty funny.”

“Oh yeah, it’s a barrel of laughs when Snape’s standing there breathing down your neck and you’re trying to think up a faintly amusing joke!” Harry exclaimed.

“Well, you didn’t quite succeed,” giggled Neville, who was also caught up in laughs. “You can’t really say your joke was- er- even faintly amusing. Although,” he added, laughs now marring his speech, “it was pretty shocking to hear you use an- uh- expletive- right in front of Snape.”

Harry grinned despite himself and then started laughing as he thought of the lame joke plus bonus expletive he had produced off the top of his head. “Oh, man,” he groaned. “Oh man, I am an idiot!”

Hermione giggled and bobbed her head. “That you are,” she agreed. She smiled warmly at him and placed her hand over his. “But that’s why I love you so, boy.”

Harry smiled back at her, and they were just advancing into the get-lost-in-each-other’s-eyes stage when Ron chose that moment to say, “Oh, you guys never told me what was going on with you!! Hey!! I demand to be let in!!”

Harry and Hermione pulled back and looked at Ron. Hermione shrugged. Harry tried to explain.

“Well, earlier today, it was the first time we saw- er- those two teachers- er- making out in the hallway. Then all of a sudden we started making out, and it just kinda went from there.”

Hermione nodded in agreement. “It was like our brains stopped working and our senses just took over,” she added.

“Hey, poetic,” Neville commented as he reached for one of the food bowls.

Hermione rolled her eyes and continued. “I don’t know, it was kind of a natural thing to do. Like, a reflex. When someone hits you, you say ‘ow’, don’t you? It’s like when we were alone and pressed up against each other, our natural reflex was to start kissing.”

“Well,” said Ron thoughtfully, “I don’t always say ‘ow’ when I get hurt. The more likely choice of words would be, fu-”

“ANYway,” cut in Hermione, “it’s a reflex kind of thing. Never mind the ow-hurt example.”

Neville grinned. “That’s so cute,” he said. “Like, totally cute. Now me and Susan, we had this whole avoiding-each-other thing going on because we knew we liked each other and we just like, avoided each other or something. Then one day, as we were walking past each other, I just pulled her into the nearest closet and we started making out. From then on, we’ve been a couple.”

“So you’re more like, the agressive-love type of couple,” Harry commented. “Cool.”

“Well,” said Ron, “mine and Luna’s story.... I dunno, it was just kind of strange and then just totally awesome.” A smile lit up his face as his mind ran through the story of how he and Luna had met.

“It was so sweet,” he said. “Her bag had ripped in the middle of the hallway, and she was picking up all her stuff. I stooped down to help her... and my bag promptly ripped.” He paused as Harry, Hermione, and Neville all laughed, and then continued, “We were laughing at each other and everything, and then there were just so many instances where we’d just be totally clumsy and look like completely idiotic fools in front of bunches of people, but to each other we just grew more and more lovable. Finally, it was one day when we were just taking a random walk around the lake, talking about stuff, and she just randomly runs into the lake and pulls me in after her. We were having the most fun just swimming around and splashing each other and stuff, and then, we were just doing something, horsing around or whatever, and we ended up face-to-face, and we just kinda looked into each other’s eyes and our lips.... just kinda met.” A dreamy smile, much like Luna’s, appeared on his face as he finished his story. “It was just kinda.... wonderfully goofy, yet perfectly magical.”

Hermione sighed in contentment. “That’s so sweet,” she said. “So romantic. You could make a movie out of that or something.” She turned to Harry and smiled. “But I still love how we got together, Harry. That was just... just... just... pure... magic.”

Harry smiled tenderly at her. “Of course it was,” he said. “Of course it was.”

And they settled in for a long kiss, with Ron and Neville in the background, hooting and cheering for all the world to hear.

4. Chapter 4

By the end of that week, nearly every single student knew about Snape and McGonagall’s love affair, thanks to Ron’s abnormally huge mouth. Harry and Hermione were suspecting that even some of the professors knew, as a lot of them had taken to giggling endlessly in either Snape or McGonagall’s presence, and a few had even completely refused to talk to either of them, sending messengers with notes.

In their Potions and Transfiguration classes, students were finding it extremely hard to concentrate, mainly because of the fact that they kept having wild visions of the teacher standing up at the front of the classroom snogging away with a certain other teacher. It was enough to give a few people stomachaches, which they found very hard to explain to Madam Pomfrey.

Students, when encountering either of the couple in the hallway, would dart into closets or hide behind statues until they passed. None of them especially wanted to have an encounter with one of them.

Snape and McGonagall, however, seemed to take no notice of any of this. They were noticeably stranger in their classes, however. McGonagall once told everybody that there was to be no homework for the next week because she was going to be too “busy” to grade it. She had also taken to cracking abysmally unintelligent jokes and giggling in class. Snape, however, was where most of the changes were taking place. There was one memorable class where he had shown up thirty minutes late to teach, and then had taught the remainder of the lesson with a lady’s bra stuck to the back of his robes. He had seemed to have a bit of trouble finding out what all the students kept cracking up about.

All in all, however, Hogwarts was having a period of funnyness which even Fred & George Weasley couldn’t surpass.

*~*

“So,” Harry explained, “the right way to transport an object without using Apparition is to sharply jab your wand at the objects and say the words. Eas-”

“Snogging again?”

Harry, Hermione, Luna, Neville, and Susan all looked up to see Ron standing over them, wearing the beginnings of a smile on his face.

“Oh yeah, totally,” Harry replied casually. “I’ve just been sitting here going over homework with these guys and we’ve been snogging wildly between problems.”

Ron grinned and plopped down on the grass next to Luna. “Thought so,” he replied. He poked Harry’s paper. “What’s that?”

Harry looked at him. “Notes,” he emphasized. “We have exams coming up, remember?”

Ron looked at Harry as if he’d just announced he was shaving his head and moving to Mexico. “Exams are in... June,” he replied. “Last I heard, it was March.”

Harry shrugged. “Channeling Hermione’s spirit,” he replied.

Neville cocked his head to the side. “That doesn’t make sense,” he said. “You can’t channel Hermione’s spirit if she’s sitting right next to you.”

“Yeah, really,” agreed Susan. “She has to be, like, dead or something.”

“Really, Harry,” added Ron. “You’d think you would know tha-”

“Oh, shut up,” Harry said playfully, slapping Ron. “Fine, I’m not channeling Hermione’s spirit, I’m channeling Hermione. Good enough?”

“Nobody is channeling me!!” Hermione exclaimed. “I need all my spirit to pass exams, okay?!”

“Geez, Herm,” said Ron, “exams are in, uh....”

“June,” Luna said helpfully. Hermione and Susan giggled.

“Got it,” replied Ron, glaring at them. “Uh... Hermione... wouldn’t you rather be- uh- I dunno, snogging with Harry or something?” His face blushed bright red as soon as he said that.

Hermione glared back. “No, I’d rather be snogging with Lockhart,” she replied icily. “Of course I’d rather be snogging with Harry. What do you think? That’s what love is. However, I choose not to at the moment, because of exams coming up. We can, and most certainly will, snog later.”

“Darn,” said Harry sulkily, looking at the ground. Hermione giggled.

“Yeah, don’t you worry, Harry,” she said, grinning. “You’ll get snogged soon enough.”

Harry grinned at her, then went back to reading his textbook. Ron shook his head, smiling, and started playing with Luna’s hair, while Neville and Susan finished their homework together.

*~*

The six of them were back inside and heading down to the Great Hall later that day for dinner. Chatting on about random things, they all turned a corner together.

And Hermione gasped. Harry gulped. Ron turned bright red. Luna cursed. Neville closed his eyes. And Susan fainted.

It wasn’t a very serious faint, or anything. It was just because of the extreme shock. She came to a couple seconds later, apologizing softly. Then, they all turned to stare.

All of a sudden, a case of extreme giggles came over Hermione. She pulled the others back around the corner where they had come from, and then collapsed, giggling wildly. Luna and Susan soon followed suit. Harry, Ron, and Neville, however, just stood as if they were rooted to the spot, their mouths hanging wide open.

Yeah, because of Snape and McGonagall in the hallway again. Oh boy, were they getting intense this time. It was the whole devour-taste-ohplease-devour-taste thing again, except with the intensity level knocked up a few notches.

“Sweet holy hell,” whispered Ron. “Madam Pomfrey, where are you?!”

This statement only made the three girls down on the floor giggle even harder. Harry shook his head. “Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon, move over,” he said. “Minerva and Severus, have come to town.”

Neville mouthed wordlessly, his eyes still closed. “Oh God, just kill me now,” he contributed to the conversation, if you could really call it a conversation.

They all just stood there for a few more seconds until a voice penetrated their beings. Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle had come up to them. For once in his life, Harry wasn’t repulsed by the sight of them.

Malfoy gave a nasty grin and walked up to Harry. “Potter,” he said smoothly. “What happened? You look like your parents just died.” His tone changed to one of fake sympathy, and he said, “Oh goodness me, I completely forgot. Your parents are dead, aren’t they?”

Harry wordlessly pointed around the corner. With a slightly confused expression, Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle walked around the corner and looked. In less than a second, they were back, looking thoroughly disgusted, grossed out, and shocked all at once.

“Oh God, I see what you mean!” Malfoy exclaimed to Ron. “Man, what sickos!”

Ron nodded, also wordlessly. There was a sudden snort from his side, and he turned to look.

Crabbe and Goyle were cracking up. Which, essentially, was very unpleasant to watch. They were snorting, cackling, spit was flying out of their mouths, and they sank down to the floor against the wall, laughing the hell out of themselves.

Hermione, Luna, and Susan shrank away from the two, making disgusted faces. Almost instinctively, Harry, Ron, and Neville went over to protect their girlfriends. Malfoy, still immersed in disgust over what he had just seen, went over to look around the corner again.

“Hey, Harry! Harry! Harry, what are you doing?! Harry!”

Harry’s stomach sank and he groaned inwardly as Colin and Dennis Creevey came running up to him.

“Hi, Colin. Hi, Dennis,” he replied in a slightly tired, slightly annoyed voice. The brothers, however, didn’t seem to notice that.

“Harry!” Colin squealed again. “What are you doing here?!”

Harry, at the end of his wits with the Creevey brothers, was just about to snap something rude back at them when Ron, who had been watching the whole exchange, cut in.

“Well, Colin,” he said in a solemn tone, “we were just looking at something very interesting and engaging around this corner. Why don’t you go take a look?”

Colin looked very excited at being included with Harry and his friends. “Oh, goody!” he exclaimed. “I’m going right away!” He darted around the corner, causing Malfoy to shoot him a disgusted look.

In less than two seconds, he was back. Harry, Ron, Neville, and the girls were finding it hard to contain their laughter by then.

“Uh, Harry....” faltered Colin uncertainly, “um, what I just saw....”

“Yes?” asked Harry politely, pretending he didn’t know anything. “What did you see, Colin?”

“Oh, hahaha!!!” Colin suddenly exclaimed, also falling to the floor in a heap of laughter. Dennis looked around the corner himself and did the same thing.

More people soon came along, and had the exact same reactions. Within ten minutes, the whole of Gryffindor and Slytherin houses, plus a sizable amount of Ravenclaws, Hufflepuffs, and professors, were gathered there, giggling, laughing, and watching the goings-on.

Surprisingly, Snape and McGonagall didn’t even seem to take the least notice in all this. They were still snogging resolutely.

Harry and Hermione were peering around the corner and giggling when they suddenly felt two hands on their backs. They turned around to find Professor Dumbledore standing there looking at them both.

“May I ask,” he said, “why nearly the whole of Hogwarts is standing here and obviously being very amused over something?”

Harry and Hermione stood rooted to the spot for a few seconds, and then realized, hey, why the hell not tell him the truth. Hermione cleared her throat.

“Professor,” she said, “if you’d just look around that corner, you’d see exactly what is so amusing to us all.”

With an unreadable expression, Dumbledore stepped forward and around the corner. Everyone gathered there, who had fallen silent when he began talking, now began shaking with silent laughter.

In a few seconds, Dumbledore had stepped back around the corner, with an amusingly hilarious expression on his face. He was, definitely, on the verge of cracking up.

“Well, goodness me,” he said. “I- didn’t- expect it to be- as funny as what I just saw-”

He stopped because he had begun laughing. Seeing him laugh, everyone else started to giggle and laugh also. Dumbledore managed to collect himself in a few seconds and, mopping tears from his eyes, turned back to Harry and Hermione.

“Goodness, what hilarity,” he said. “But I am afraid I shall have to, ah, speak to those two.”

Hermione giggled. Dumbledore smiled at her, then sighed. “Oh, what ever was I thinking when I took up this job,” he said, and nearly everyone laughed. “But here I go,” he said, trying to put on a determined air. Everyone laughed again.

And taking a deep breath, Dumbledore stepped around the corner. “Ahem,” he said clearly.

5. Chapter the Last

Apparently not hearing him, Snape and McGonagall continued to- er- do whatever they were- er- doing.

“Er-” said Dumbledore, clearly puzzled by their lack of attentiveness, “ahem.”

Still, no response.

Dumbledore cast a confused glance back at Harry and Hermione, who shrugged. He turned around again, and this time rapped Snape sharply on the shoulder.

“AHEM,” he practically yelled. “AHEM! AHEM!! AHEM AHEM AHEM!!!”

Still no response!

In desperation, Dumbledore turned and strode up the corridor towards the crowd. In a low whisper, he said, “On the count of three! One! Two! Three!”

“AHEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” everyone yelled, with the exception of Malfoy, who just had to yell “!@#$%^&*()!!!”

Finally, Snape and McGonagall jumped apart. Staring wildly around them, they hurriedly tried to smooth down their clothes and fix their hair.

McGonagall spotted Dumbledore and turned even paler. “Oh, Albus,” she gasped. “Oh- no- it was- wasn’t- fling-”

Dumbledore slowly walked down the hallway towards the couple. Snape had donned his usual surly expression, and was looking at Dumbledore how one might look at an insect.

“Headmaster,” he said in a half-respectul, half-not tone, “how may I be of assistance?”

Dumbledore looked at him. “Were you aware,” he asked, “that- this- has been circulating among this school for- weeks?”

Snape looked mildly concerned. “This?” he replied. “You mean - mine and Minerva’s relationship?”

“Er- yes,” confirmed Dumbledore. “Yes - your- relationship.”

McGonagall gasped. “It was?” she exclaimed.

Snape shrugged. “Oh, big f’ing deal, Minervs,” he said. “They were bound to figure out sooner or later. Why not sooner?”

Everyone stared at Snape. Out of the corner of his eye, Harry spotted a shiny beetle snaking up the wall. He envisioned the next day’s Daily Prophet - “SNAPE/MCGONAGALL COUPLE DISCOVERED; SNAPE RESORTS TO PROFANITY TO TRY AND BAIL HIS WAY OUT.”

“Yes, but-” Minerva sputtered, “but- all the students! Oh, and Albus!”

“Albus?” asked Snape, looking at her quizzically. “What about- Albus?”

Minerva hung her head. “Um...” she faltered, “I was- er- kinda with him? And then you came along? And then I kinda cheated on him? With an affair with you?”

Harry’s eyes nearly popped out of his head. He rubbed his ears to make sure he was hearing right. McGonagall was cheating on Dumbledore with Snape?!?!

Snape’s eyes were popping out, too. “You were cheating?!” he exclaimed. “But- but- I thought that was only me!”

“No... WHAT?!?!” McGonagall exclaimed. “You were cheating on me?!?!”

“No, no!” Snape exclaimed. “I mean, I was cheating on Poppy with you!”

Harry’s mouth fell open. Snape was cheating on Madam Pomfrey with McGonagall?!?!

“WHAT?!?!” exclaimed a third voice, and they all turned to see Madam Pomfrey step out of the crowd.

“You were cheating on me?!” she shrieked. “I mean, even though I was cheating on you with Dumbledore, you cheated on me?!?!”

“What?!” cried Snape. “You were cheating on me with- with- Dumbledore?!?!”

Harry thought he was going to faint. Madam Pomfrey was cheating on Snape with Dumbledore?!?!

By now, McGonagall had realized what was going on, and had turned to Dumbledore in a fair fury.

“Albus Percival Wulfric Brian,” she hissed, “you were cheating on me with Poppy Pomfrey?!”

Dumbledore tried to act innocent. “Uh- really?” he said. “Uh-”

“Oh, my, God,” said McGonagall. “Oh, my, God.”

Dumbledore offered up a feeble apology. “Sorry?”

At this point, Harry really did faint. Dumbledore was cheating on McGonagall with Madam Pomfrey?!?!

“Harry?! Harry!!” exclaimed a voice, and Harry awoke to find Hermione kneeling over him, looking worried. Everyone else was still watching the drama going on between the four staff members.

“You okay?!” exclaimed Hermione again in a worried tone. “You just kinda- keeled over!”

Harry gave her a half-smile. “Fine,” he said, getting up from the floor. “Er- is this really going on? I mean- everyone’s cheating on everyone, or something?”

Hermione nodded. “McGongall’s cheating on Dumbledore with Snape, Snape’s cheating on Pomfrey with McGonagall, Pomfrey’s cheating on Snape with Dumbledore, Dumbledore’s cheating on McGonagall with Pomfrey,” she rattled off. She looked at Harry. “Oh. Wow.”

They were interrupted by Malfoy, who told them to quit chatting and watch the scene already.

Glaring at Malfoy’s back, Harry and Hermione turned to see what was happening. Madam Pomfrey seemed to be clutching Dumbledore and crying, and McGonagall was clutching Snape and crying. Dumbledore and Snape were both shouting at each other, using words nobody had ever heard either of them use in their entire lives.

Harry and Hermione stared at each other, wide-eyed. This was clearly getting out of control. Even though it was hilariously funny, it was still kinda getting outta control now.

“Uh...” Harry whispered. “Think we should go mediate?”

Hermione nodded. “Uh, yeah,” she responded. “It looks like they’re on the verge of Crucio-ing each other. Now would be a very good time to go mediate.”

Harry grinned at her, and the two ran down the hallway towards the foursome.

“Hey, hey, stop it, stop it, stop it!!” they both yelled. Freezing in surprise, the four adults slowly turned towards the two.

“Okay,” said Hermione slowly, “what’s going on here?”

Snape sniffed. “I feel hardly that I should tell you impertinent little girl what’s wrong,” he said.

Madam Pomfrey rolled her eyes. “Impertinent, indeed,” she said sarcastically. “The only thing that’s ‘impertinent’ around here is your damn ass.”

Hermione and Harry stifled a giggle as McGonagall cried out, “Severy! Miss Granger is one of my best students! You apologize to her right this instant!”

Putting on a very sullen look, Snape muttered, “Sorry, Hermione.”

“That’s better,” crooned Professor McGonagall, resting her head on his chest. “Hi, lovey-dovey sugar-beans!”

Dumbledore rolled his eyes. “Lovey-dovey sugar-beans?” he repeated. “What’s he got in there, a baby?”

“Professor Dumbledore!” exclaimed Hermione as Harry broke out into giggles. “I am scandalized!”

“Go on and be scandalized, then!” retorted Dumbledore. “God knows if I care.”

Hermione’s mouth fell open, and Harry, still giggling, took over the situation. “Professor Dumbledore,” he said, “do you like Madam Pomfrey or Professor McGonagall?”

“Pomfrey, without a doubt!” replied Dumbledore instantly. Madam Pomfrey smiled and hugged him, and McGonagall’s mouth fell open.

Without missing a beat, Harry turned to Snape. “And Professor Snape, who do you like, Professor McGonagall or Madam Pomfrey?”

“God knows why I’m answering you little twerp of a boy, but for hell’s sake, McGonagall of course!” replied Snape. This time, it was McGonagall’s turn to smile and hug him, and Madam Pomfrey’s to stand there with her mouth open.

“SO,” went on Harry, “if Dumbledore likes Pomfrey and Pomfrey likes Dumbledore, Snape likes McGonagall and McGonagall likes Snape, why don’t you guys just switch partners instead of saying that you’re cheating on the other?”

It was as if a lightbulb had come on in their heads. All four adults instantly turned to stare in amazement at Harry.

“Oh goodness me,” whispered Dumbledore, “you are so amazingly intelligent! Goodness, I am glad I told you what the prophecy contained!”

“Ah, even though you are an immature little boy, you are still much smarter than I!” cried out Snape. “Long live your Potions homework, oh dear one!”

Harry frowned. “Jerk,” he muttered, while Hermione looked on and giggled.

Pomfrey and McGonagall immediately flew at him and kissed him.

“Aack, what are you doing?!” cried Harry. “Get off, get off!!”

“Oh, I do love you, dear boy!” cried Pomfrey. “Rest assured, I shall always and forever mend your wounds and nurse you to good health!”

Thus said, she retreated to Dumbledore, while McGonagall had her share of praising Harry and offering him more homework.

“Er, so...” finished Harry, “you guys are new couples, right? Professor Dumbledore and Madam Pomfrey, and Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall?”

“Indeed, indeed, dear boy,” replied Dumbledore. “All thanks to you, and I’m much obliged.” He smiled down at Harry and then turned to kiss his new beloved, Madam Poppy Pomfrey.

“Now then,” he continued in a brisk tone, “some points need awarding. To Miss Hermione Granger and Mr. Harry Potter, for providing some much-needed counseling and excellent advice, I hereby award Gryffindor House five thousand points.”

Harry’s mouth fell open in shock. He literally heard Hermione’s mouth do the same next to him, and farther down the hall, a number of people unmistakably fainted.

“Er- Headmaster?” he faltered. “Er- five thousand points? Er.... REALLY?!?!?!?!?!”

Dumbledore smiled and waved a hand at him. “Of course, dear boy,” he replied airily. “But now, I must take my leave of you all. Poppy and I shall have to go,” he said, winking at Madam Pomfrey, who giggled and blushed.

“Indeed, and we shall have to go, too,” agreed Snape. He chucked McGonagall gently under the chin. “Come, my lovey-dovey pie-bird.”

McGonagall giggled and made to follow him down the hallway.

“Oh, oh, just a moment!” Dumbledore called out. He looked down at all the people gathered down the hallway (nearly three-fourths of Hogwarts it was) and bade them to come closer. When everyone was in close proximity, Dumbledore continued, “I hereby proclaim today as.... Hogwarts Dating Day! Let everyone go out, date, fall in love, and be merry! Poppy and I shall go, Severus and Minerva shall go, Potter and Granger shall go, everyone shall go, date, and enjoy this day! Go where, you ask? Oh, to Hogsmeade of course, I reply! Let this day from now on be known as.... HOGWARTS DATING DAY!!!!!”

Harry and Hermione glanced at each other. Hermione giggled. They didn’t know how the hell Dumbledore knew they were dating, but who cared... it was.... Hogwarts Dating Day!

“Now go out and have fun!” Dumbledore called to the crowd, and he turned and headed down the hallway with his lover. Snape and his lover also headed away.

When they were gone, all of a sudden, the whole hallway went deathly quiet. Everyone was staring at everyone else. Then, just as suddenly as it had gone quiet, it became noisy again, with everyone bursting out into laughter. Students and teachers literally rolled on the floor with the hilarity of the events which had just passed. Harry grabbed Hermione and they both sunk, laughing and kissing, to the floor in a mindless heap. Even Malfoy and his two goons, Crabbe and Goyle, were laughing helplessly, Malfoy holding on to C & G for support.

“Oh, my, God,” Harry gasped. “So, so, funny....”

“I know, I know!” Hermione panted, holding on to him. “Hogwarts Dating Day....”

They both burst into laughter again, thinking of all the crazy things which had recently happened at Hogwarts.

“Oh man,” laughed Harry. “This was one of the funniest periods of my life. And I’ve seen Malfoy bounce up and down on the floor as a ferret.”

Hermione laughed again. “Oh, my God,” she said. “Well, what say we leave these laughing goons here and head on up to the common room for.... well, you know what for....”

Harry perked up, and his bright green eyes sparkled mischieviously. “Of course, lovey-dovey pie-bird,” he said, and the two cracked up again, “let us go at once!”

And holding on to each other, the two headed down the hallway towards the Gryffindor common room, reminiscing over a day neither of them would ever, ever forget. =)

The End

Thank you SOOOO much to all the awesome people who reviewed this story and inspired me to write more! If it weren’t for you guys, this story would’ve stopped after the first chappie. Much thanks!