All My Life

tkra

Rating: PG13
Genres: Angst
Relationships: Harry & Hermione
Book: Harry & Hermione, Books 1 - 5
Published: 21/12/2004
Last Updated: 23/12/2004
Status: in_progress

Harry nods, giving me a small smile. “I love you, Hermione Granger.” Chapter 2: "Don’t you get it, Ron? He doesn’t want you or Hermione. He wants me." Harry’s miniscule smile fades....

Chapters

1. untitled

2. Searching for Something

1. untitled

Disclaimer: I own nothing. The title is taken from a song by Rosie Thomas of the same name. Please read and review whether you enjoy or not. Thanks.

“So, how ‘bout it, mate? A bloody brilliant idea, I say.” Ron Weasley beams his crooked smirk at his best friend, Harry Potter. Ron, having just explained his great plan for getting out of spending time with his girlfriend’s father, leans back in his chair, taking a long sip of butterbeer. Setting his drink back down, he looks directly at me. “And you, Miss Granger, I’m sure you have an opinion on the matter, but I don’t want to hear it. So keep it to yourself.”

I shrug, displaying what was hopefully an innocent look. “I wasn’t about to say anything.” Although, that was a complete lie. His idea of faking illness had to be the most ridiculous thing I had ever heard. We had graduated from Hogwarts just several weeks previously; you would think he would have learned something by now.

“And you better not. This discussion is between me and Harry. Its men talk.”

Apparently, he has yet to learn anything. Ron’s mind is not up to speed with the modern age. He still believes women to be inferior and subservient to their male counterparts. I open my mouth to object, but Ron stops me.

“Just keep it to yourself! Go back to reading Hogwarts, a History, or whatever that infernal book you’re reading is called.” He waits until I lower my nose into the book before turning to face Harry. Again, he inquires, “So, how ‘bout it?”

Frowning at Ron, Harry removes his glasses and rubs his exhausted eyes. Sleep has not come easy for him since the Second War began. The ever-burdening weight of the world that Harry carries with him constantly continues to grow heavier and heavier with each passing day that Voldemort is not defeated. However, Harry soldiers on, taking on each day as if he is not the only one who can save us all. “Well, for one, I’m beginning to think that Hermione is right.”

Instantly, at the mention of my name, Ron’s smile dims. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means that only a moron could possibly think of that plan as being bloody brilliant. You are not going to be able to fake an illness to get out of spending time with your girlfriend’s father. I don’t care if you say you’ve got something terminal, Luna is going to see right through you and you know it.”

Ron starts to shake his head, an expression of disbelief coming over his face. “Okay, when did I get such unsupportive friends? Harry, you used to back me up on everything. Why not now?”

Harry sighs, replacing his glasses. “We’re not little kids anymore. We’re not immature eleven year olds clambering aboard the Hogwarts Express for the first time. It’s time for us, you especially, to start taking on some responsibility. You shouldn’t have agreed to go if you didn’t want to spend time with Mr. Lovegood.”

“Yes, but you don’t understand, Harry. Luna is making me go with her and her father. They’ve got some surprise planned or something.”

“All I know is that you’re going to have to do things in life that you don’t want to do. We all have to do things that we’d rather not have to do. So you might as well suck it up and take care of business.” He pauses, taking a drink of his butterbeer while he glances around the Leaky Cauldron. “Besides, they may have front seat tickets to a Chudley Cannons match, for all you know.”

Ron’s eyes widen, the smile returning. “D’ya really think so?”

Harry nods. “Absolutely.”

“She said I would really love what they were going to show me!” Ron jumps up, bumping the table, and nearly spilling all our drinks. “I’m going to give her a call. I’ll be right back.”

Harry and I watch him run out of the Leaky Cauldron. Harry turns to me, an eyebrow raised. “Uh, where exactly is he going?”

“I have no idea,” I answer, laughing. “But you do realize that she’s probably going to show him some newly found magical creature, right?”

Harry nods, offering a small smile. “Yes, I know. And I wish I could be there to see his face when he sees the Three-Eyed Carbuncle or whatever it is she’ll be showing him.”

“Yeah.” I return the smile, closing my book and resting it on the table. “So, how are things?”

It seems weird to be asking my best friend how things are. But since we left Hogwarts, I’d been spending most of my time in the Muggle world, trying to decide where to go with my life. I’d thought of becoming a Healer, but my parents are really pushing for me to attend a Muggle University. So, I’ve taken a job at my parents’ dental practice for now, living at home while I save up enough money for a place of my own. Harry’s always telling me that I can join them at the Order headquarters; he says that there’s a room waiting for me there.

Ron lives at Number 12 Grimmauld Place as well. But he spends most his days working and living at Fred and George’s shop in Hogsmeade. The twins have done so well with their joke shop that they have begun a franchise, making Ron the manager of their Hogsmeade location. Beyond working at his brothers’ shop, I don’t know what Ron intends to do with his life.

Harry, on the other hand, doesn’t have a job. He wakes up every morning and begins training for the final battle. He spends the day lifting weights, running, flying, practicing every spell he’s ever been taught. He sleeps each night with one eye open, waiting for the day that Voldemort comes to finish what he started many years ago.

It’s been over two years since the Second War started; many of the wizarding world aren’t sure that Voldemort is still alive. But the Order, and Harry, knows better. He’s just waiting for the right time to strike. Dumbledore has made sure that when he strikes, Harry will be ready to fight.

“Things are… fine.” Harry answers after a moment. He shakes his head, his messy raven hair becoming more unruly with each shake. “No, things aren’t fine. They’re far from fine.”

I don’t say anything. Harry needs a chance to vent once in a while. And it’s been several weeks since I last saw him; I’m just happy to hear his voice.

“I’m just so tired, Hermione. I want to go to sleep at night and actually sleep. Not dream some psychotic dreams of death and dying and more death and more dying. I want to wake up in the morning and know that there is no longer a Voldemort running free. That Dementors and Death-Eaters aren’t wreaking havoc on the world. I want to sleep and wake up rested. I want to rest.

“I want so many things, Hermione. I want to start my life. I want to start Auror training. I want to be able to date a nice girl and not have to worry about her becoming a target. I want to become what I’m supposed to become.” He pauses. “And, most of all, I want you to move into the Cave with us.”

The Cave. That’s what Harry had begun calling the house Sirius had left him. The house looked like a cave the first summer we saw it, when all the old Black family artifacts still covered every inch of the walls. The house is slightly more cheery now, but Harry continues to call it by its dark moniker.

I tilt my head, looking into the green eyes that have become almost as famous as the scar above them. “Harry, we‘ve talked about this. It‘s not something I want to do right now. Besides it doesn‘t seem like the appropriate thing to do.”

It really didn’t seem appropriate. We had just left Hogwarts. And though I hated to be separated from Harry and Ron, it was time to be on my own for a while. It was time to view the world as Hermione Granger, not as part of the trio of Harry, Ron, and Hermione. It was time for me to find my place in the world without my two best friends.

Harry nods slowly, looking me over intently. He’s started doing that often these days. Certainly he sees something; otherwise he wouldn’t keep doing it. But what is he seeing? What is he looking for?

“Your hair looks nice today. Are you doing something different?” He asks, reaching out to touch a sleek brown straight strand.

“Yes, actually. I’ve tried this Muggle straightening product. Can you really tell a difference?”

“It looks gorgeous.” He pauses. “Of course, you’ve always looked gorgeous to me.”

I reach up, wrapping my hand around his own. “Thank you.”

Harry nods, giving me a small smile. “I love you, Hermione Granger.” He pulls his hand away from my hair, taking my hand with him.

Smiling widely, I immediately answer, “And I love you, Harry Potter. You‘re my best friend.”

Harry’s miniscule smile fades as he leans forward. “No, Hermione,” He starts, his voice sounding much more serious than it had moments before. “I lo--”

A hand clamps down on Harry’s shoulder and we both jump. It’s only Ron, announcing his return.

“All right! I‘m back! Let the party resume.” He tells us, plopping back down in his chair. “I can’t imagine how boring it must have been in my absence.”

Harry leans back in his chair, my hand left forgotten on the table. He takes a small drink and stares out the window. “Yeah, Ron. Boring.”

2. Searching for Something

Chapter Two: Searching for Something

Two weeks later, I found myself thinking more and more about the exchange I shared with Harry. He had been so close to saying something when Ron reappeared. Could it have been something important?

He had been so solemn. What he had been wanting to say had to be important for him to be so serious.

No. If it was important, Harry would have told you by now. Besides, if he didn’t want Ron to hear, how important could it be?

I tried to dismiss it as nothing. But the scene continued to replay itself inside my head, a cinema presentation just for me.

The more I watched, the more I realized how odd my hand felt when he took his own away. My hand was suddenly very cold, very empty, like a flower lacking the warmth of the sun on a shadowy day. It reminded me of how I felt the first time I encountered a Dementor: lonely, without hope of any kind.

When we left each other that day, Ron and Harry were headed back to the Cave; however, I still had errands to run. Outside the Leaky Cauldron, Ron had hugged me good-bye, and then, I’d turned to Harry to receive his usual, friendly hug. But this time, he embraced me more urgently than ever before. It was almost as if he wasn’t sure he would be seeing me in the future, as if it was our final good-bye.

I don’t know what to make of it. It’s been said that I’m the smartest witch of my age, but if I can’t figure out what my best friend is trying to say, how smart can I actually be?

* * * *

In the twenty-four months that followed, things became radically different.

I accepted a job at the Ministry of Magic as an international liaison with the Department of International Magical Cooperation. Ron decided to become an Auror, and is now halfway through his training. I’m not sure what made him leave behind his Quidditch dreams, but if I had to guess, I’d say Harry had something to do with it.

As for Harry, he still resides at Number 12 Grimmauld Place, training and living each day the same as he has since he left Hogwarts. A lonely silent life, full of harsh, broken memories and aching, torn muscles. Anyone close to him is a target, a marked magnet for death.

I personally don’t mind being a marked magnet.

Truth is, I don’t like being away from him. Being out of his sight each day pains me more than I care to admit to anyone other than myself. A searing ache that grows worse with each sunrise. A gaping void in my heart that grows wider with each sunset.

But it is something that Harry wanted.

Before taking my job at the Ministry, I lived with Harry and Ron for a short while. Everything went fine until some Death Eaters showed themselves in close vicinity to headquarters. The next day, a disguised Death Eater began patrolling Grimmauld Place. The one time he was caught unaware, Mad-Eye Moody was killed. Tonks and Lupin were injured. A few days later, Harry kicked both us out.

* * *

"We’re staying, Harry, and there’s nothing you can do to stop us." Ron had told him when he’d ordered us to leave.

"I don’t care if you want to stay. This is my house and I want both of you to leave." Harry had paced before us, continually running his hand through his dark hair. "You’re only in danger by staying."

"Honestly, Harry!" I said, throwing my hands up. "What do you think you’re accomplishing by sending us away? We’re in danger no matter where we go. It doesn’t matter if we’re here or --"

"In Timbuktu!" Ron interjected. "Hermione’s right, mate. Besides, we want to help. We’ve been training too, you know. We’re ready to do battle with You-Know-Who."

Harry shook his head. "Don’t you get it, Ron? He doesn’t want you or Hermione. He wants me. If you two would go and stay away from me, like I asked you to, you’ll be a lot bloody safer."

"We don’t care about being safe, Harry!" I cried, reaching forward to stop his insane pacing. I thought that if I looked at him, if I could just make him see, he would understand. "If we cared about being safe, we would never have become your friend! And that’s what we are: friends. Friends stick together, even when impossible obstacles block their path."

Arms crossed, but no longer pacing, he didn’t see me. It was like I wasn’t even in the room. He turned to Ron, his face set in determination. "We’ve discussed this."

Ron nodded. "But, Harry, I didn’t actually think…"

"The time has come." Harry turned back to me, and he cupped my face in his hands. He gently ran his hand along my cheek, his emerald eyes searching my chocolate ones. Leaning forward, he tenderly kissed my forehead before backing up and walking out of the room.

It took a few second for my voice to find me. "What just happened?"

"Harry made me promise to leave when he asked me. He told me one day it would no longer be safe for any one. He told me that I could live with him, but one day, he’d ask me to leave, and I’d have to go away. He said I’d have to respect his wishes."

"How could you promise something like that?" Honestly, what was he thinking? Harry may say he didn’t need us, but that was a lie. The three of us are a team; he couldn’t actually send us away. "You may have promised, but I certainly didn’t."

Ron looked at me, suddenly looking older than his eighteen years. "It’s what Harry wants, Hermione."

I shrugged. "So? I don’t care. I didn’t agree to respect anyone’s wishes. I’m not leaving." My voice jumped several decibels. "Did you hear that, Harry? I’m not leaving! I’m not going anywhere. Do you know where I will be tomorrow? Still here!"

* * *

Of course, I wasn’t still there.

In the end, Ron had made me leave. I had sat up all night, waiting outside of Harry’s locked bedroom door. Ron came and eventually convinced me that our leaving was for the best. I don’t know how he did it; I should have never left.

Harry didn’t even see us off. The last time that either Ron or I saw him was when he told us to leave. When he left the room, it seemed he just vanished from our lives.

I sent letter after letter, day after day, never receiving anything in return. I had no idea what was happening to him. Was he okay, living just the same as when I left? Was he hurt, injured in some battle unbeknownst to me? Was he alone, without anyone in his life? Was he even still alive?

It’s been two years.

And in those two years, I recognized one thing: just how much I love Harry James Potter. Being away from Harry has made me notice things that perhaps I didn’t notice when we were together.

I noticed that whenever Harry was mentioned, my heart began to race. I also noticed that while neither Ron nor I breathed when we were unsure of Harry’s fate, I always seemed to hold my breath a little longer than Ron held his. Additionally, every night Harry spent in the hospital wing was another night that I went without sleep (and another night I spent crying, thankful that he was not injured worse.) I realized how jealous I became of Cho Chang during our fourth and fifth years, and how happy I was when Harry lost interest in her.

But a lot has changed in two years that Harry shut us out. I’m not the same Hermione Granger he left. My heart doesn’t skip a few beats at the name Harry. I’m not the same friend who followed him around everywhere, doing anything and everything he asked. I am different. Everything‘s different.

Everything’s different and most likely, he knows nothing of the changes.

Everyday I think of how we could have done this together. We could have fought together, as one. I would have gladly marched into battle at Harry’s side. I know that Ron would have as well.

Instead, Harry chose to fight the ultimate battle alone.

And so, Ron and I were left with only one option: to lead a life without Harry.

It’s not been easy. Of course, no one said it would be easy to part from your best friend of more than seven years.

To be honest, I don’t know how anyone could easily leave Harry Potter.

I know his parents were murdered by Voldemort. I also know that they are in Harry’s life every step of the way, guiding him with often-unseen hands. Wherever he is now, he can’t truly be alone. Lily and James Potter are a part of him, with him wherever his travels and battles may take him.

Never far behind James, Sirius is also with him, playing the role of supportive godfather. He’s cheering Harry on, giving him the strength to continue on his journey.

I just wish I could be there too.

* * * *

Author’s Note: Thanks to all who took the time to read. I loved reading the reviews you left for me. They really helped to shape up this story a bit more, as I originally wrote it as a three chapter ficlet four months ago! I hope that I haven’t disappointed anyone with this second chapter.

Hooray for the release of book 6! J Happy Christmas!