The Talk

Skeeter

Rating: PG13
Genres: Humor
Relationships: Harry & Hermione
Book: Harry & Hermione, Books 1 - 5
Published: 22/12/2004
Last Updated: 22/12/2004
Status: completed

At a request from Sirius, Remus is the one left to give Harry his talk about the Birds and the Bees. It doesn't go quite as Remus expected. (Oh boy - won't this be fun!)

Chapters

1. untitled

1. untitled

Scanning his day-old copy of the Daily Prophet with brightly dancing grey eyes, Sirius shifted in his chair and sighed. "You know, it's a pity James isn't here to talk to Harry about sex."

On the other side of the table, Remus began to choke on his cereal and accidentally inhaled a great deal of milk. He lost hold of his spoon and it disappeared within the depths of his floating chocolate puffs, leaving a little trail of pearly, translucent bubbles to float to the top in its wake. Coughing one last time, he then blinked owlishly up at Sirius, who continued to stare at his paper and was not bothered in the slightest by the odd reaction.

"Er... what makes you say that, Sirius?"

"Well Harry's fifteen now, and since his father isn't here, you do realize who'll have to give him 'the talk'? Me! I'm his legal guardian." A rustle permeated the silence left between them as Sirius turned the page in his newspaper. Poking a finger into the cereal bowl in search of his submerged spoon, Remus quickly located the utensil and dried it off, resuming the consumption of his breakfast with a knowing shake of his head. Sirius and his rants.

The kitchen was quiet for several minutes, save for the faint crunching of damp cereal and the crinkling of paper. And then,

“Although, I suppose that's better than, say, Albus, or Minerva, or Mad-Eye having to tell him these things. I mean, can you imagine prissy old McGonagall saying `penis?'”

With an audible spluttering noise, Remus shot a mouthful of milk through his nose and across the table, coughing and gagging loudly as his eyes grew wide as saucers and his face turned a rather interesting shade of red. Unable to hold it back, Sirius succumbed to a fit of chuckles and rolled up his newspaper, beginning to stand.

“I'd unroll that newspaper if I were you,” Remus threatened wheezily, sounding almost like he had a chocolate puff lodged inside his nasal passage. “I might be tempted to beat you with it.”

“What?” Sirius asked innocently, grinning. “Why, that's not as bad as some other things...”

“No!” Remus cried, before his friend could come up with anything worse, but he was too slow to stop Sirius' imitation of Alastor Moody. The ravenhaired man squinted through one eye, the other wide and staring, and hobbled across the room bellowing,

“CONSTANT VIGILANCE! Lovemaking ain't no game, boy, it takes skill! And always remember, never put your prick in anything that hasn't been blasted with at least a thousand good hex-detecting charms-“

“ENOUGH!” Remus roared, now a pale shade of green, while Sirius doubled over, laughing fit to burst. He righted himself and nudged the sickened man playfully.

"Say, Moony... if I happen to, y'know, kick the bucket before Harry reaches the right age... would you mind giving him the ol' birds'n'bees talk?" He let out a loud, doglike bark of laughter as Remus' face began to burn crimson, and patted him on the shoulder.

"Don't worry, don't worry. I'll at least stay around long enough to take care of that stuff."

Well, he hadn't.

Remus leaned against the doorway for several seconds, his keen eyesight easily picking out the two figures in the darkness, before he turned away. He knew he oughtn't have lingered there. After all, it was really only a matter of time before Harry and Hermione discovered the relationship that had existed between them, which had been known by everyone but them for years now, and eagerly begun to explore it. But while walking in on the soft, tender kiss had been surprising, Remus' astonishment disappeared abruptly and he made his way back to the kitchen, where his abandoned mug waited.

As he sat at the table, gazing throughtfully through a haze of warm steam to where the dim light glinted off the ripples dancing over the surface of his tea, guided by a twirling spoon, he thought back to that day and that embarrassing conversation. It was hardly a year ago when he and Sirius had sat in this very kitchen, at this very table, on a sunny morning in July.

Had Sirius really expected him to fulfull that particular... duty... that came with responsible parenthood, if he never got a chance? Remus swallowed. The idea was not appealing. Although, neither was the idea of Mad-Eye Moody trying to explain the act of consummation while a horrified Harry crouched in the corner, hands over his ears, humming tunelessly to himself as he tried to block out disturbing mental images provided by the grizzled ex-Auror.

Determined to do what was best for Harry, and figuring that Sirius was somewhere in Heaven, or someplace akin to that, laughing his arse off, Remus sighed and resolved to approach the young man as soon as term started, due to the fact that he had reacquired the Defense Against the Dark Arts teaching position.

'This ought to be fun,' he thought sarcastically and gulped down the last drops of his tea, wiped his mouth on his sleeve, and headed up to bed.

~*~*~*~

The Shack was as it always had been. The cracked and broken windows were nailed and spelled shut with short planks, most of which sported deep, gouging clawmarks that traced intricate maps over years of misery and pain. The furniture had been viciously torn apart over time, removed of its stuffing (and legs, for what had originally stood upon them). The walls looked frail and unstable, to the point that, at first glance, one would hardly believe that they had held a wild, ravenous beast captive one night a month for seven years.

Remus padded silently through the familiar old house, inhaling the thick, stale air and glancing at a trail of footsteps that wound behind him in the layer of dust upon the floor. It took no time at all to find his favorite place, really the only place in the shack that he actually liked; in fact, every full moon, before his transformation, he would set up simple wards around the antique fainting couch to make sure it wasn't torn apart while he was under the wolf's influence. With a small smile, he pointed his wand at the little couch and charmed the dust away, before climbing onto it and sitting crosslegged with his back on the cushioned slope. If he turned his head just a fraction to the right, he could peek through a gap between two boards and see Hogsmeade, brimming with activity and life.

Absently, he was trying to count the number of shopping bags that weighed down that short, squat little witch down the road, when the tiny voice in his mind growled,

'Procrastinator.'

Remus scowled.

'You have to do it sometime, you know. It's for Sirius.'

“It'd be improper of me as a teacher.”

'It would be even worse for you to ignore something as important as this. Harry may know all there is to know about saving the world from the most powerful dark wizard of the age, but if he doesn't know enough when it comes to... well... that stuff...'

“I know, I know. There are some bad things that could happen, b-“

“Remus? Remus, who are you talking to?” laughed a familiar voice, and Remus looked toward the shack's empty doorframe to see that it wasn't quite so empty. Harry was standing there, as if summoned mysteriously by Remus' thoughts.

“Oh, er, no one, Harry. But please, come sit down... there's something I've been meaning to talk to you about.”

Harry's brow furrowed and his nose wrinkled a bit in confusion, but all the same, he crossed the room and joined Lupin on the end of the fainting couch, legs crossed and chin resting in his palm, elbow on his knee. “Yes?”

Remus sighed. He was so mature for a sixteen year old. And it didn't help at all that he looked exactly like his father, so Remus was left with the sinking feeling in his gut that told him he was practically giving a sex talk to James Potter.

“I can't believe I'm going to do this,” he muttered under his breath and, ignoring the young man's wary look, launched into speech. "Now, Harry... when a w... a witch and a wizard love each other enough... they... well, they might want to-"

"Remus!" he cried suddenly, and Remus couldn't tell if he was completely mortified, or trying to stifle his laughter. Remus kept going.

“It really is important, Harry, and I'm just trying to, er, do what's best for you. Now in these situations, it's very important that you keep a level head, and that you don't let other parts of your body get so carried away that you lose your common sense.”

“Seriously, Remus, is this some sort of a joke? If you've gone in with Fred and George, I'm going to whack the three of you right upside your heads!” Trying to look stern, Remus said very seriously,

"Harry, this is something Sirius once asked me to do, and I'd appreciate your cooperation."

Harry fell silent.

"Harry, I... I... well, I saw you and Hermione at Grimmauld Place one night. I, well, it was a complete accident; I don't want you to think that I've been spying on you, because I would certainly never do such a thing, but I did realize your intentions and I just want to make sure that you will be careful in the future."

The younger man's face was burning with such an intense heat that Remus could feel it against his own face, and could feel the pink blush creeping into his own cheeks. Harry didn't look indignant, or angry; merely embarrassed, as he had every right to be. Eyebrows knitting together, he swallowed and asked tentatively, "You... you saw us? Me and Hermione? Together?"

"Yes," Remus admitted softly, sighing. Harry swallowed again.

"Er... which time?"

“Gnuh?!” Incapable of anything but a vague sputtering noise, Remus choked briefly on the musty air around him, his face distinctly red now, and looked away. “Which time? Which time?! Goodness gracious Harry, I-“

Harry was staring at his lap, looking ashamed. Remus quickly composed himself and started his sentence over again with a calm, pleasant smile, albeit a bit forced, on his heated face. “That is to say, I... completely understand.” His voice was soft and light, and not accusatory in the slightest. “And there's absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. I know you and Hermione are in love, Harry,” he said gently. “I'm just looking out for the two of you as best I can, since James and Sirius aren't here to do it. You two deserve eachother, and if there's anything within my power that will keep the both of you safe from anything and everything, then by Merlin, I'll do it. Do you understand?”

As he nodded slowly, Remus could have sworn he saw something glimmer briefly on Harry's cheek, before the young man brushed it away with a sweep of his sleeve and looked up, smiling genuinely. It was the first real smile Remus had seen in a long time. The grin faded a bit, however, when he saw that Remus seemed to be bracing himself for some invisible doom...

“Now Harry,” he said in a brisk, business-like tone, “during the act of intercourse, the male's penis is inserted into the female's - hey!” Laughing aloud, he fell to the floor in a cloud of dust as Harry tackled him bodily, and the two wrestled briefly before sitting up side by side. Remus was winded and breathing heavily, and Harry looked ruffled and slightly indignant, but happy.

“Yes yes, I know all that,” Harry muttered breathlessly, and Remus chuckled, mussing his hair playfully.

“I know, I know. But honestly, Harry, I want to make sure you exercise all necessary caution in certain... situations. I tell you, I'll never forget the night Madam Pomfrey marched into Gryffindor tower with this poor little Hufflepuff in tow, bawling her eyes out, bellowing at the top of her lungs for a Sirius Black to come to the front... they were all positive that he was the father. Boy, I tell you, Siri damn near had an aneurysm at th-“

“NO! Please, God,” Harry pleaded, sticking his fingers in his ears. Lupin chuckled and stood up, bracing his hands on his weary, aching knees, and stretched. He paused to brush the dust off of his patched trousers and looked up when Harry spoke. “However awkward,” he said with a small snort, “I really am glad you said this stuff to me, Remus. It means a lot.”

Remus huffed. “Awkward? You want awkward, you should have seen Sirius! He suggested turning you over to Minerva, or Albus, or Alastor for this talk! You should be grateful!” Harry shuddered violently and groaned. “But I'm glad you're not angry or upset, Harry.” Remus patted him on the shoulder, and they started toward the door. It was Harry who stopped again.

“You know, Remus,” Harry said thoughtfully, “We should have another talk like this sometime. I quite aware of all the specifics, you know...” Remus raised his eyebrows as Harry looked him up and down critically. “Maybe I could teach you a few things. It looks like it's been awhile since you-“

“HARRY!” Remus bellowed, shocked, and chased Harry out of the Shrieking Shack, his unnatural speed keeping him at the heels of the laughing scamp as they made a beeline for the castle. For one small, almost insignificant moment, he truly saw what the skinny, messy-haired, frightened little boy with a special scar had grown into, and in that instant, he knew that Harry would one day have all of the happiness that he so richly deserved. He had full confidence in the young man, and he was very, very proud.

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