A Perfect World

Disclaimer: Harry Potter belongs to Warner Bros, Scholastic, Bloomsbury, Heyday/1498 films, JK Rowling and Raincoat books. I don't lay any claim to it.

Author's Notes: HAHA! I got you with the cookie line, didn't I? Behold, I'm branching out from writing darkness! This is a parody. A random, silly satire. It is not meant to insult or flame another author's work in any way, shape, or form. This is simply what pours out of my brain at 3am. And this is my first Comedy fic so please, be gentle. But review. I am, after all, THE REVIEW WHORE and your comments give me life.

Happy reading.

Dedicated to the DarkMark forum staff, Des and Tony, my H/Hr shippers extraordinaire! <3

A Perfect World - Version 1: The Harry/Hermione Story

Our story beings in the summer. Sirius did not actually fall through the veil - I violently protest JKR's decision to kill my favorite character, and so I have him be alive for my little story. Harry and fled the Dursley's, and is living with Suddenly Alive Sirius at Number 12 Grimmauld Place. They decide to invite Ron and Hermione over for the summer. Lo and behold, Hermione's arrival shows us that she has blossomed into womanhood. Her hair is no longer bushy, but falls in perfect glossy curls down her back, she has a new fondness for make-up, her figure rivals Barbie's perfect proportions, and the cast of One Tree Hill would kill for her new wardrobe. All of this, of course, to catch the eye of Harry, her Unrequited Love.

Hermione and Harry spend a blissful summer together with Suddenly Alive Sirius, a time full of hidden meanings, strange new thoughts, secret glances, and almost-kisses. The word twiterpated comes to mind.

Finally, the time to go to Hogwarts arrives, and so our friends say goodbye to Suddenly Alive Sirius at Platform 9 3/4 and board the Hogwarts Express. But things are not all hunky-dory there, my friends. For on the train, we meet.... (*dun dun dun*) Completely Random New Girl!

She's hot, she's brilliant, she's an Animagus who can also perform perfect wandless magic, and she's hiding a deep dark secret (but we don't know that yet) and she only has eyes for Harry. Completely Random New Girl is a transfer student from America, here for reasons totally unknown to us (and let's be honest children: does it really matter?.... I didn't think so.) And takes an instant dislike to Hermione, for she rivals her affections for the Boy Who Lived to Be Bothered By Girls.

Poor Harry. He's struggled through so much, but to have to deal with two girls madly in love with him! This shall be the greatest test he's ever endured.

Arrival at Hogwarts means the Sorting Feast, where Dumbledore makes two completely startling but very exciting announcements:

1) Remus Lupin is returning as DADA teacher! (*joygasm*)

2) Hogwarts now has computers!

Never mind that Muggle technology completely clashes with the magic surrounding Hogwarts. This is fanfiction! This means we can talk online! The rumor mill runs wild with amazingly similar stories of love, misunderstandings, and gossip on AIM/MSN/YIM.

Harry decided to go online, using the oh-so-clever screen name of Boy-Who-Lived. Hermione, unbeknownst to Harry, does the same, under the alias of bookwrm_gurl18018, and they end up having the most wonderful conversations online with each other, yet neither of them realizing who the other one is because of their clever disguises.

Hogwarts has never known a frenzy quite like this. Couples everywhere! The madness!!! Even Luna Lovegood has found love on the Internet, but our poor Harry and Hermione have yet to get together, even though Their Love is So Obvious to everyone but themselves.

Naturally, we have an encounter with The Blonde Prince Draco Malfoy.
“Mudblood,” he sneers.
“How dare you!” Harry cries.
“Potty,” he sneers.
“Let it go Harry. He's not worth it,” Hermione says. Her hand on his arm cools Harry's raging temper, and they walk off into the sunset together. WAIT! No, it's too early for that! OK, so they just walk off. No sunsets! Ignore the sunsets!

Finally, after much thought along the lines of “Is this really love?” and “But what about what I feel for Completely Random New Girl Mary Sue?”, some "Goodness me what if he really loves that Completely Random New Girl Mary Sue? I hate her, for she is more brilliant than I and rivals my new Barbie-esk figure I worked so hard on with my illegal magic over the summer!" and a little of “I cannot be with anyone for the Dark Lord still hunts my Amazingly Sculpted Body (thank you Quidditch!) Oh whoa is me why don't I go not be human?”, and of course some Hysterical yet Tragic Misunderstanding involving Completely Random New Girl Mary Sue, our young soon-to-be couple decide to take a walk by the lake/Astronomy Tower/Forbidden Forest, where Harry, with his new Romantic Know-How, pulls out his guitar and displays his previously unknown Musical Talent with a song written just for “Mione”. *gag* (A/N: This works just as well with Hermione singing karaoke.)

BUT ALAS! What is love without a little excitement, eh? Killers from Guilder, really hired by Prince Humperdink to dispose of Buttercup.... wait, wrong story. Sorry. *rummages through notes* AHA! OK, here we go.

BUT ALAS! What is love without a little excitement, eh? Death Eaters pounce upon our fair couple just as they are about to kiss (oh the tragedy! So close, yet so far! *sniffle*) and threaten Our Hero with the life of Hermione: give yourself up, or watch her die.

“No Harry,” our brave Hermione cries out. “Don't do it! Save yourself. Save the world!”

“But Hermione, I can't,” Harry cries in despair.

“You must!” she yells while the dangerous Death Eaters stand by and watch this incredibly long conversation go on instead of actually doing anything because that would muck up my romantic plotting. “Do it for me, dearest heart, because I... I....” (For the love of Merlin, woman, you're being strangled by Death Eaters and you still can't bloody say it?!) “I love you!” Hermione chokes out. (FINALLY!)

Amid the cheers of our readers, Harry find it in himself to gather his powers and defeat the Dark Lord Voldemort, whose arrival we apparently missed and whose presence is completely unexplained but what the hell? It makes for good reading, right? Completely Useless Until Now Dumbledore arrives, with Remus Lupin and Suddenly Alive Sirius and Completely Random New Girl Mary Sue (what the deuce? .... eh, whatever. *shrug*) arrive in the nick of time to deal with those pesky Death Eaters, who scream and cower before the awesomeness that is Dumbledore.

Hermione, freed from the Jaws of Death, flings herself into Harry's arms and goes into complete fangirl mode, gushing about his amazing likeness to a well known actor named Daniel Radcliff (with the exception of the eyes, which are nothing alike ((grrr....)) ) as Completely Random New Girl Mary Sue watches them.

“It really is love,” she sighs, and gives up her Quest for the Boy Who Lived. Which is perfect, for it is time to reveal that she is the secret daughter of Severus Snape/Lord Voldemort/ is really Harry's twin sister!!

“My daughter/sister! I never knew!” Severus/Harry cry. (A/N: For the Lord Voldemort is my father scenario, have Completely Random New Girl Mary Sue fling herself to the ground beside his decimated remains and cry “I never knew!”. Then have her comforted by a Sympathetic Hermione, thereby cementing their new Best Friends Forever status.)

With the eyes off all of their friends upon them, Harry and Hermione finally seal their love with a kiss, accompanied by the aww's of those watching (and possibly some fireworks provided by a Teary Eyed Dumbledore) and profess their Undying Love Forever.

“You're parents would be so happy right now!” Still Alive and Kicking Sirius sniffs.

"Oh Harry, let's never fight again," an Unusually Emotional Snape says with his arm around his Long Lost Daughter, Completely Random New Girl Mary Sue.

The Couple of the Year graduate at the top of their class, as Head Boy and Girl, and get married on Harry's 18th birthday, with Still Alive and Making Googly Eyes at Remus Lupin Sirius (S/R Shippers: YAY!) standing as Father of the Groom and Completely Random Not So New Girl Mary Sue as Maid of Honor.

The epilogue takes us 2/5/10 years later, with Harry and Hermione tending to their 2/3/5/13 children, all of whom have names that are derivatives of the names James, Lily, Sirius, and Remus. Hermione gleefully tells Her Man that they are expecting yet another addition to the Potter household! Oh, what joy and rapture life is, now that Voldemort is dead and we all live in a yellow submarine... I mean, in a perfect world.

(Anybody know where Ron went?)

THE END

Coming Up Next..... A Perfect World Version 2: Draco & Ginny's Chatroom of Love…..

*author packs bags and flees from JKR, Warner Bros lawyers, and angry fans screaming “OMGWTF you mocked my fic! I KEEL YOU DEAD!!”

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