Don't Follow Me by HarrynHermione Rating: PG Ship: Harry & Hermione Canon: Books 1 - 5 Genre: Angst Status: Complete Length: 2,643 words in 1 chapter Published: 10 Jan 2005 Last updated: 10 Jan 2005 Post-war. Harry won, but at what cost? The sacrifices made are eating away at him. Can he handle it? Can anyone help him? From the Unofficial Portkey Archive: https://portkey-archive.org/story/3578/ ------------------------------------------------------------------------ 1. Don't Follow Me Summary: Post-war. Harry won, but at what cost? The sacrifices made are eating away at him. Can he handle it? Can anyone help him? A/N: Don’t know where this came from, but I felt the need to do something depressing. I’m always one to fuss about the “how could they kill Harry?” or “Hermione can’t be dead!” stories, but here I am, writing one of my own (you have been warned)! Like I said, don’t know why. Just felt like it. And I realize it may be a little out-of-character for Harry, but I wanted to show him as totally broken and lost, so I think his actions are appropriate for this circumstance. Having said that, I hope someone likes it. I’m not even sure I do, but I decided to post it anyway. Tidbits: Very angsty, one year post-Hogwarts. As always, Harry, Hermione, and everything else associated with them belongs to J.K. Rowling. *********************************** Don’t Follow Me The fire whiskey tasted funny. Well, not funny, exactly. There was just no taste. It was bland, empty. Like his soul. Hogwarts castle stood out proudly against the blue sky. He always thought it was so beautiful from here. How many times they had sat together in this very spot talking, sharing a romantic picnic, or just lying beside each other staring up at the stars. But everything had changed a little more than a year ago when the final battle had taken place. Here, on these very grounds. Harry sat with his back against the tree—their tree—silent tears streaking down his handsome but worn face. The face of a child who had become a man far sooner than he should have had to. The face of a boy who had seen more horrors and death in his short 19 years on this Earth than most people see in their entire lives. The face of a man who’s life was spent and empty and had nothing left to live for. Taking another swig from the bottle in his hands, Harry tilted his head back and drained it completely. He had to numb the pain. It was beyond the point of tolerance. Feeling sufficiently inebriated, he stood up and threw it as hard as he could into the lake. It splashed loudly, upsetting the calmness all around him. The unbearable silence was finally broken. He stared out over the open water for what seemed like hours but it was only a few minutes. Until he heard her coming up behind him. “Harry?” He was irritated. How dare her interrupt his solitude? Had he not asked her to just leave him alone when he was here? Did she not understand that he needed his loneliness? It was, after all, all he had. “What, Loren?” The tall woman with brown hair and large, chocolate brown eyes anxiously stepped closer to him and put her hand on his shoulder. He flinched and moved away from her. “I was worried.” “Why?” He asked, his voice hollow and full of pain. “Well, you didn’t meet me for lunch, and....” He quickly turned and stared at her. The eyes that used to have a twinkle in them were not just cold and unfeeling. They were dead. “Why did you come here?” “Harry, please.” She said, reaching out to him. He again, backed away. “You don’t get it, do you?” Harry said. “Did you ever think that the reason I didn’t meet you for lunch today is because I didn’t want to?” “Harry....” “There is nothing between us, Loren.” He said flatly. “Nothing.” She frowned. “But the other night....” “Was a mistake! A stupid mistake I made because I was so drunk I couldn’t see straight and I was lonely!" He looked down and chuckled but there was no humor. "I don’t even remember it!” “That’s so cold, Harry.” “What the bloody hell do you want from me!?!” She felt a tear escape her eye. “I thought you loved me.” “You thought wrong!” He howled. He faced the water again, forcing himself to calm down before he lost control. He took a deep breath then turned to her again. “Look. We’ve had some good times. You’re a sweet girl.” She looked at him with a glimmer of hope but it was gone with his next words. “But I can't give you what you want.” She swallowed and looked at him. She thought back to how distant he had always been, but she hadn't realize from the moment she had met him that she was living in the shadow of someone else. She had managed to break down at least some of the barriers he had built up around his heart and she thought that over time she would break them all down and Harry would be hers, and hers alone. But only now as she stood there staring into his cold, lifeless eyes, did she realize that Harry had loved this someone with his very soul and that he would never be hers. Loren, of course, knew of Hermione Granger. Everyone in the wizarding world did. Knew of her, and knew what she was. She had been the best-friend-turned-lover of The Boy Who Lived. Then she had become the woman who had sacrificed herself for The Man Who Defeated Voldemort. Anger now flashed in Loren's eyes. Anger that she had managed to suppress while they had been dating, and especially just the other night when they had been together and he had been calling out her name in his sleep. And now to have his rejection so blatantly thrown in her face like this was insulting and hurtful. “It’s because of her, isn’t it?” Harry’s eyes darkened. “It’s because of her that you won’t let yourself be with me? That you won’t let yourself love me?” Harry clenched his fists so hard his knuckles were turning white. He closed the distance between them in two powerful strides and she fought the urge to back away. He looked dangerous now. She could feel the power radiating off of him. Power that he had used to rid their world of the Dark Lord. And now it was focused on her. “She was the only woman I ever loved.” He said quietly, as if it was taking everything he had to remain calm and not curse her into oblivion for daring to mention her in his presence. “She was the only thing in my life I ever really cared about. And she sacrificed herself so I could live. So we could all live.” He was now nose to nose with her, and Loren could swear she saw currents of electricity flashing in Harry’s eyes. “Don’t you ever speak about her again, do you hear me?” Loren swallowed nervously and nodded. “Yes.” She said meekly, hoping that he would back up. She was scared of him. And he knew it. After another long second, he stepped back and faced away from her. Then without warning, he headed towards the forest, his long strides taking him away from her within seconds. “Harry?” “Leave me alone!” He shouted over his shoulder. Where Loren went or what she did after he dismissed her from his life Harry never knew. He never saw her again. ************************** His quick strides turned into full-out running and soon Harry found himself immersed in the darkness of the forest. He stopped and looked around, then a fierce coldness pulsed through him as he realized where it was he had run to. This was it. This was the clearing where it had happened. This was where Voldemort had been destroyed. This was where Harry’s life should have ended. Falling to his knees, Harry’s body started to tremble. He reached out tentatively and touched the ground reverently, like he was worshiping it. This is where she had pushed him out of the way. This is where the curse had hit her. This is where she had fallen. This is where Hermione had died. Great sobs wracked Harry’s body now as he let it all out. All the grief and guilt that had been eating him up from the inside out during the last year was finally being vented. “Why!” He suddenly screamed with rage, looking into the sky, holding up fists full of earth. “Why did you take her from me!” He started pounding at the ground with closed fists like a madman, until his knuckles were bloody. “Why....” He whispered, then bowed his head. He sat there on his knees, a sobbing heap of human misery. “Why....” “Harry.” He looked up. He was sure he had heard his name. He took a deep breath and looked around. “Harry.” He stumbled to his feet, dirt, grass, and blood staining his jeans. “Who’s there?” He asked, looking around. Tears still fell silently down his cheeks. “Harry.” “Loren?” He called out, now feeling anxious. “I thought I asked you to leave me alone!” He shouted. Still not seeing the source of the voice, he exhaled and looked down. Great. Now I’m bloody hearing things. “No you’re not.” Harry inhaled a sharp gasp. That voice. He’d heard it before. It sounded like...no it couldn’t be? She was gone! He’d watched her fall! After he had summoned all the hatred and anger from his tormented life and destroyed the thing that had terrorized them all for so long, he had held her small, lifeless body in his arms. “Her...Hermione?” He asked, hoping beyond hope that it wasn’t just his imagination. He watched with horrific fascination as a white mist began to float around his ankles, then began to take a shape in front of him. A very familiar shape. A shape that he had touched, a shape that he had held in his arms as they slept. “Mione?” The mist finally solidified and Harry was looking into the face of the love of his life. “Hello, Harry.” She said quietly, her voice sounding like she was in a tunnel. The last thing Harry remembered seeing was her reaching out for him, then blackness. *************************** Everything was white. He didn't know where he was. "Where am I?" "You're safe." Said a voice from nearby. Harry looked around and saw Hermione standing beside him. “How can this be?” Harry asked, reaching out to take her hand. He felt it in his. Her skin was warm and soft, like he’d remembered it. She smiled. “You know that I’m not really here, don’t you?” She asked gently, stepping closer to him. He could feel her warm breath against his face, smell her sweet scent. He gasped just before she leaned closer to him and kissed him tenderly. As deliriously happy as he was to have her lips pressed against his again, Harry knew it wasn’t what it seemed. At least, that’s what his head told him. But his heart had run away with all his rationale thoughts. Even so, he reluctantly broke the kiss and stepped away, looking at her curiously. “How can you not be here when I just felt that?” Hermione grinned. “It’s what you wanted, isn’t it?” “Yes, more than anything.” He said quietly, then put his head down on her shoulder. “I miss you so much.” He whispered against her neck. She wrapped her arms around him protectively, running her fingers through his hair. Harry pulled her tighter against him and wrapped his arms around her tiny waist, never wanting to let her go. “Why, Mione?” He asked, his voice muffled. “Why did you do it?” “To save you.” She answered like it was the simplest answer in the world. “So you could live the life that was so cruelly denied you.” He pulled her away and looked down at her. “But there is no life for me without you.” She took his hand and smiled. “You’ll see me again.” She said comfortingly. But he didn’t feel comforted. He suddenly felt sick. He suddenly wanted to end it all. He wanted to be with her now, not wait another 100 or so years before old age finally decided it was his time. She must have known what he was thinking because she put her hand on his cheek and he closed his eyes. “No, Harry.” He looked at her. “I don’t want...I can't live without you, Mione. I'm miserable.” He said quietly. “I’m so lonely.” Hermione stroked his cheek and he leaned into it, closing his eyes and just letting himself feel her touch. He missed it so much he ached. Every night he dreamt of her lying beside him and hating to wait for morning so he could wake up and see her beautiful face again. "I'm always with you." She said. His eyes opened to stare at her. "That's not good enough." He said sternly. "It'll never been good enough." Suddenly, she started to fade. "Mione! Don't go!" Her form solidified again and he relaxed. If this was a dream or some other plane of existence she had somehow brought him to, he wanted to stay here forever, so long as he could be here with her. "Please." He begged. "Don't leave me alone." "You have to let me go, Harry. You have to move on." She said quietly. "You will find someone else to love and who makes you happy." Harry shook his head adamantly. "Never." Her form started to fade again and this time, Harry knew she was leaving for good this time. "Mione...." "You're free from the fear and the pain and horrors." She said, pulling her hand away from his face slowly. "Do everything you always wanted to but were never able to. Do everything that everyone told you couldn't do because you had to follow your destiny. It's all over now. You're free to live your life how you want to. No one can take that away from you anymore." Tears were streaming down his face again and he stood absolutely still as he watched her form dissipate into the white mist. "Hermione...." "We'll meet again. I promise you." She said, her voice now almost a whisper. Her form no longer solid, but a mist coiled around his feet. "I will always love you, Harry. Remember that." He bowed his head. "Don’t, Harry. Don't follow me." She pleaded, her words were echoed in the dark reaches of his mind as he felt dizzy and the last thing he remembered was the white turning to black. *************************** Green eyes opened and a dull pounding in his head told Harry that he was conscious again. Had it been a dream, or had he really been somewhere else with her? Had she taken him somewhere just so they could have a last moment together? He laid there on the ground, his entire body trembling with grief and anguish. It was now dark. How long had he been...where ever he had been? Had to have been hours at least. But it felt like only a few minutes. And not nearly long enough. Harry let out a deep sigh and closed his eyes. He wasn't at all surprised to find tears falling from his eyes as he put his hand up to his cheek where she had touched him. "I have to follow you." He whispered. "There is nothing...no one...here for me anymore." With those words, he made a decision that he knew wouldn't be well received from the likes of Ron, Lupin, or any of his friends. But they couldn't understand. Only he truly understood what he needed to do and why. Harry put his hands down at his sides and closed his eyes. After a few minutes, his breathing had stopped and his body had completely relaxed. To anyone who happened to walk by, it would have appeared that Harry Potter was deeply asleep. But... He wasn't sleeping. He had gone to her. He had followed her.