Feels like home

h/hr4ever

Rating: PG
Genres: Angst, Romance
Relationships: Harry & Hermione
Book: Harry & Hermione, Books 1 - 5
Published: 25/01/2005
Last Updated: 29/01/2005
Status: completed

Harry and Hermione have a fight after their graduation. They haven't talked to each other in 6 months, but now it's Xmas and they're going to meet again. Will the magic of Christmas help them? - The Christmas spirit should last all year long, so I don't consider this as coming a month late!! ;)

Chapters

1. L-Ewwel Kapitlu - First Chapter

2. It-Tieni Kapitlu - Second Chapter

1. L-Ewwel Kapitlu - First Chapter

Feels Like Home

Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling actually gets paid to write this stuff. I don’t, so guess what? I don’t own Harry Potter.

This story is dedicated to my friend Anne Marie she’s an A1 lover and she introduced this band to me. Thanks Anne!!!

Part 1 – Walking in the rain

It may be hard to believe

But girl you’re the only one I need.

It may be hard along the way

It’s this feeling I get when blue skies turn to grey

Feels like I’m walking in the rain

I find myself trying to wash away the pain

Cause I need you to give me some shelter

Cause I’m fading away.

And baby, I’m Walking in the Rain

The sun shone brightly in the sky reflecting the joyful mood people were in. Everywhere you looked you could see happiness; you could see it in the people’s eyes. The greatest evil being has just been destroyed and the people were celebrating freedom, they were finally free of the nightmare of Voldemort.

One pair of green eyes was watching the lake, wondering what would happen now. His aim in life for the past years had always been the same: kill Voldemort. He had finally achieved that goal; thanks to him the magical world was safe. He had freed them; he gave them hope for the future, now they could plan their lives without fear and without Voldemort. But the boy, or should we say man-who-defeated-you-know-who, was not happy.

Sure he had saved the world, he was a hero! What else is new!! Now that he had achieved his aim, he had no idea of what to do with his life. He felt empty, alone, he felt lost. For the past years he was the boy-who-lived, he had slowly become used to that idea. But now he was something different; now things had changed and he didn’t like change that much, he was quite happy with his current life. After all, he had Quidditch, good marks in exams and his two best friends.

Hermione and Ron had of course helped in the final battle, so Ron was getting the attention he always wanted. Hermione was of great help this year, he had to admit it. She was always there for him, she listened when he told her his fears, his nightmares and helped him in every way that she could and for this he was eternally grateful.

And speaking of the devil, or should I say angel, suddenly he heard footsteps approaching him. For some reason he knew who it was. Then she sat next to him and asked him:

“Why is it that the whole world is celebrating, but the guy who brought about this celebration is sitting here on his own?”

As always she had nailed it. Hermione knew him too well; he couldn’t help but smile at this.

“Is there something funny?” she asked him. He turned and looked at her. He looked straight in her eyes; that was one of the only things that could calm him down in any occasion. He didn’t now why, but her brown eyes calmed him down.

“No, I was just thinking about something. What are you doing out here anyway?”

“Actually I was looking for you. I – I kind of need to tell you something.”

‘Oh, here it goes again. Change. Generally I’m the one who talks and she’s the one who listens, now the roles have inverted. Great; really great! How am I supposed to do this, do I just sit here and listen to her? Or do I put my hand on hers like she does when I tell her something? HOW DOES THIS WORK? I’m not good at this. Actually I’m not good at anything, I only now how to do the-boy-who-lived. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DO THIS CONSOLLING FRIEND THING? I’ll just tell her to come some other time after I’ve figured how this works’

“I’m sorry ‘Mione but I have a lot of things on my mind right now. Why don’t you come later and we’ll talk about it OK?”

She looked shocked to say the least. She stood up abruptly and started shacking with anger.

“I can’t believe you.”

He couldn’t understand why she was taking it this badly.

“Throughout these years I’ve been here for you always. Whenever you needed me I was there, even if I had something else on my mind, I was there for you. And now, now that I need you, you have other things on your mind?”

“Hermione, wait that’s not how I meant it”

“That’s not how you meant it?? And how did you mean it, eh? Look I’m sick of this. Did it ever occur to you that a friendship is a give-and-take relationship? I’m done doing the giving part; can’t you just be here for me? For this one time? Can’t you just be the friend that I need? Can’t you just do this one thing for me?”

“Hey, it’s not like I don’t do anything for you. I killed Voldemort for you. I cleared this Earth from the most evil being ever for you” He didn’t want to get angry but his stupid temper didn’t permit it. If you’re Harry Potter when someone shouts at you, then you answer by shouting back. It was what he always did.

“How dare you? How dare you get angry like that when I’m the one who’s supposed to be angry here? I’m the one who got thrown away by her supposed-to-be best friend. Yeah sure you defeated Vodemort, the whole world is grateful for this Harry. I can’t believe that all this time I actually, ugh never mind. You know what? You’re an arrogant-seeking-attention-bastard. I don’t even know how I lasted 7 years by your side. Now I’ll do what I should have done years ago.”

“Yeah and what’s that?”

“Pushing you out of my life.”

And with that she left. He was so shocked he didn’t have the guts to stop her; to turn her back; to even shout her name. He just let her leave. If before he thought he was alone then he had no idea what this was. He felt completely alone, completely lost. It was just like walking in the rain, when you try hard to wash away the pain, but you can’t. He felt like fading away in the rain.

He stayed like that for a few minutes. Then minutes turned into hours, hours into days, days into weeks, and weeks into months. And before he knew it, it was December and almost 6 months passed from that day he let her go away.

Of all we’ve said and done

Remains the memories of days when life was fun

But now when you are gone

I sit alone to watch the setting of the sun

Feels like I’m walking in the rain

I find myself trying to wash away the pain

Cause I need you to give me some shelter

Cause I’m fading away.

And baby, I’m Walking in the Rain

***

***

Part 2– Every time

Lately I’m not who I used to be

Someone’s come and taken me

Where I don’t wanna go

If I knew exactly what I have to do

In order to be there for you when you were feeling low

Every time I kiss I feel your lips

Every time I cry I see your smile

Every time I close my eyes I realize

That Every time I hold your hand in mine

The sweetest thing my heart could ever find

And I have never felt this way

Since the day I gave your love away.

“Come on man. She’s the one who’s supposed to be angry at you not the other way round!”

Those were the same words she had told him 6 months ago, and they still burned him.

“I know, that’s why I’m doing it. Seeing me at Christmas will surely make her angry, so it’ll be her present, not seeing me. And apart from that I really have to work you know, the training is quite tough.”

After graduation Harry started Auror training apart from playing Quidditch. He shared a flat with Ron in London and he had not spoken to or seen Hermione from that famous day of The Fight. Ron of course met Hermione sometimes; Harry made it clear that just because he is not talking to her doesn’t mean that Ron shouldn’t either. Now Christmas was approaching and Mrs. Weasley invited them for dinner and he had just found out that even Hermione was invited.

“Hello, I’m in doing the same training! And we don’t have anything on Christmas!” Ron was starting to get angry; he couldn’t understand his friend’s behavior. For him the reasons behind The Fight seemed like the most stupid thing to fight about. He couldn’t understand how two people could forget their friendship for something so... so stupid!

Harry always acted as if it doesn’t matter that he’s not seeing Hermione. But deep down he knew it was killing him. Ron knew that Harry couldn’t breathe without Hermione, let alone live without her. The first months were tough, he would find Harry staring at a picture or reading Hogwarts: A History. Harry didn’t eat or sleep at first either. But then auror training and Quidditch kept his mind occupied.

“Ron, I’m not going OK, so just shut up.”

“You’re coming whether you like it or not. It’s final. If you want stay away from Hermione, don’t talk to her, don’t look at her. I don’t care. Just be there”

Well Ron was right, he could just stay away from her, it shouldn’t be that difficult.

“Ok, I’ll be there. Just tell the others not to try and make me talk to her”

“I will, don’t worry”

From the moment he accepted, Harry knew it was wrong. He knew she would be angry but he wanted to see how she would act around him, how things would be. Even if he didn’t want to see her; he missed her terribly. He kept dreaming of her every night; seeing her face turn away from him and it was killing him. ‘You never know what you have until you loose it’ that’s what they say. Harry now knew that this was true. Now that Hermione wasn’t there he understood how much she meant to him. He missed the little things she did, like how her face concentrated when she was studying; how her eyes twinkled under the moonlight during their midnight walks; how she absent-mindedly removed the curls that would fall in front of her eyes by putting the curls behind her ear; how she smiled. And every time he closed his eyes, he could still see her doing these little things. He could still see her smile, see her eyes shining... he could still see her.

But what he missed most was simply looking in her eyes. Sometimes he would just look at the photos he had of her just to try and look into her eyes.

There was one photo in particular he loved. It was taken before after they finished their last exam. It was a photo of just the two of them, he was standing behind her with his hands around her waist and she had her hands on his. They were looking at each other smiling; it was just perfect. He remembered how he felt while holding her, that feeling of completeness every time he looked in her eyes. It was a great feeling; he missed that feeling.

Now he was going to see her again, he wondered what it would feel like.

***

***

“Ginny tell me again why should I do this?”

“Come on Hermione, it’s Christmas, the time to be around friends and family. Your family is invited too and I’m your friend. The others miss not having you around it would be good to catch up with them.”

“By them do you mean a certain guy I don’t want to see let alone catch up with?”

“Well, he may be there-“

“That’s it. I’m not going”

“Hermione”

“Ginny, no. I’m not having this conversation again. I don’t want to see him. I don’t want to talk to him. I hate him for what he did to me.”

“Oh come on Hermione, yes we did have this conversation a million times but you never seem to get it through your head. We both know you don’t hate Harry. We know it OK, so stop trying to convince yourself that you do ‘cos it won’t work. Let me clear this up for you, you hate not seeing him, you hate not talking to him, you hate not walking with him under the moonlight but YOU DO NOT HATE HIM.”

“How the hell do you know what I feel? How do you know if I hate him or not when even I don’t know?” Hermione was crying at this point. She knew Ginny was right but she didn’t want to admit it for she knew that if she did she would get hurt again and she didn’t want that.

When Ginny saw Hermione break down like that, she went near her friend to console her. Since moving with her during the summer she had seen this scene a lot. When Hermione graduated she found a flat but it cost too much for her alone so Ginny moved in with her. Of course she left for her final year in Hogwarts but now she was back for the Christmas. She new this summer was a tough one for Hermione, she was angry with Harry for treating her like that but she was also angry with herself for leaving him like that because now she missed him too much.

“It’s Ok Hermione; everything’s going to be fine. Don’t worry. I’m sure he misses you too, I’m sure he’ll forgive you.”

“I’m still angry at him, but I miss him so much. He broke my heart in a million pieces but I still miss him.”

“I know; I know. He’ll come around don’t worry. I know he hasn’t approached you yet but it’s Christmas and I’m sure Ron can convince him to come. Then you can just go there and show him what he’s been missing.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well we’ll just make sure you look beautiful and Harry’s hormones will do the rest of the job.”

“Ginny, I don’t want you to try and put us together. You know I gave up on that a long time ago. I cannot just give him my heart after what he’s done the last time I tried.”

“I know that. This is just to make him see what he’s missed and feel guilty for ever treating you the way he did. Then you get your revenge and you can shut the door in his face.” Ginny’s eyes sparkled, and she had a very mischievous grin. Hermione noticed this.

“You know what? You’re right. I’ll finally give him what he deserves.”

“You go girl!”

Save me, I’ve fallen from my destiny

You and I were meant to be I’ve thrown it all away

Now you’re gone it’s time for me to carry on

But baby I just can’t go on without you by my side

Every time I kiss I feel your lips

Every time I cry I see your smile

Every time I close my eyes I realize

That Every time I hold your hand in mine

The sweetest thing my heart could ever find

And I have never felt this way

Since the day I gave your love away.

***

***

A/N Songs: Every time by A1

Walking in the Rain by A1.

Hope you liked it!! The final part of this story will be posted next week.

Thanks

Marija

2. It-Tieni Kapitlu - Second Chapter

Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling actually gets paid to write this stuff. I don't, so guess what? I don't own Harry Potter.

This story is dedicated to my friend Anne Marie she's an A1 lover and she introduced this band to me. Thanks Anne!!!

I planned on posted the final part next week, but since I got such a good response I decided to post it now!! This part has been very hard to write; I always knew how I wanted the ending to be, but getting there was another story...

Anyway; on with the story.

***

Part 3 - I still Believe

The sun went down so long ago,

I watched you cry I had to go

Forever only lasted just a day.

And now without you by my side

The visions of a lonely life

Take me to a dream in a place so far away.

I see an angel and I think of you. I watch her hide behind a smile.

And then I think of what I have to do. If only I had listened for a while.

I still believe, I still believe.

A love so strong will carry on; you know there's so much to be seen.

I still believe; I still believe.

It's not the end, let's start again.

I still believe.

***

***

Her smile.

It was the first thing he saw when he apparated at The Burrow. He saw her smile. It was so beautiful; he thought he had forgotten what it felt like seeing her smile. He knew he was staring at her but he didn't care, she wasn't looking at him so it was safe to stare.

He and Ron have just arrived at The Burrow for the Christmas dinner and it only took him one glance around to find the person he was looking for. She was beautiful. He could only describe her in that way, but beautiful did not seem to cover it all. She looked like an angel; she was wearing a blue dress that fitted her perfectly, her hair was in a bun but had a couple of curls that stood gently by her face. Her eyes were shining and she was smiling apparently to some joke of Fred and George.

Then suddenly she looked at him and her smile faded away.

***

***

`He's going to be here in a couple of minutes'. That's all she could think about. She was very nervous about seeing him again. Ginny had assured her that all she needed to do was make him see what he missed by treating her that way, then maybe slowly he would open his eyes and ask her to forgive him. Of course this would take a long time but at least she could have their friendship back, friendship and nothing else. It was a simple plan, everything should go smoothly. She had no idea how wrong she was.

She was smiling at one of Fred and Georges jokes when she felt someone look at her. Deep down she knew whose eyes were looking at her but when she turned and saw him looking at her, all her defenses went crumbling down. Memories from that night kept playing in her mind.

“Now I'll do what I should have done years ago.”

“Yeah and what's that?”

“Pushing you out of my life.”

She felt tears wet her cheek.

Suddenly she started feeling claustrophobic; she needed air; she needed to breathe. But it felt like the room was getting smaller. She knew what she had to do. She had to get out of there. Get away from all those people; away from him.

His presence was simply suffocating her. She couldn't stand being in the same room with him. A part of her wanted to just go and hug; but another part of her wanted to scream for all the pain he was causing her.

She couldn't take it anymore. So she just ran; she ran away from him. She left the room and went in the backyard.

***

***

Everyone saw the exchange. He looked at her; she looked at him. She started crying and after a few seconds, which seemed like eternity, she ran away. Ginny left after her to console her. And he was left there, staring at the door through which she exited.

Ron's friendly pat on the shoulder pulled him out of his reverie.

“Don't worry man, everything will work out fine.”

“Ron, the first thing she does when she sees me is run away. How can everything work out fine?”

Fred and George now joined the conversation.

Fred tried to reassure Harry by telling him: “Come on. It's you and Hermione. Of course you'll work it out.”

“Yeah, you guys always work things out. You can't stay too long away from each other. I'm honestly surprised you spent 6 months apart! I'm telling you man, just give her some time to sort some things in that complicated brain of hers, and then she'll be back to you in no time,” added George.

“Listen, I don't blame her. I treated her in a way I could never imagine was possible. I just shut her out. God! I didn't even listen to her. She just wanted to talk to me, and I didn't want to listen. She's always been there for me, but the one time she asks me for a favor, I'm not available”

Harry realized that he was using the same words Hermione had used during `The Fight'. How could he be so stupid? How could he do this to her? He had no right to be angry with her!!

He couldn't just wait there and do nothing. He shouldn't just wait there and do nothing. He did this mess and he was going to fix it. It doesn't matter is she won't talk to him ever again; at least he'll have his conscience clear. Well no, that's a lie. It does matter if she won't talk to him ever again!

But he had to do something. He still believed that whatever was coming between them could be resolved. Together they could make it.

“That's it. I can't take it anymore.” This statement from Harry startled them. They were not sure of what he would do next.

“I'm going after her”, he told them.

“No, that is not a good idea”

“Yeah, Ron's right. You know sometimes girls just need their privacy.”

“Exactly. Just let her be for a while.”

“No. I need to talk to her. I need to sort this mess out.”

“You won't go begging, right?”

“Begging?? No Harry don't do that. Just be a man about it. You know, talk to her - yes. But beg?”

“Yeah have a little bit of pride and dignity”

“To hell with pride and dignity. I won't lose her just because of my pride. Damn it.”

And with that he stormed outside looking for Hermione, leaving behind him three smiling Weasleys.

“I knew that kind of talk would knock him into his senses!”

“Yeah, finally he has the guts to go and talk to her.”

“And we won't miss this, right Fred?”

“No we won't.”

“What are you guys talking about?”

“Well, bro. Our latest invention: `Weasleys' ever lasting memories.'”

“This bro is a muggle digital camera with extendible ears inserted in it and a few of our other inventions. If we stand next to the window we can tape what's going on out there zooming of course, understand every word they are saying, without them noticing anything.”

“Wicked!”

“Exactly. Round up everyone. It's show time.”

And with that they started filming what was going on outside, and everyone watched as if it were a movie.

***

***

The emptiness of what could be shows everything you mean to me

It stated out a game I'd never played.

If I defy my foolish pride

And find a place so deep inside.

Take me to my dream; I know I have to stay.

I see a rainbow and I think of you. Of what we had of what we were.

And then I think of what I have to do. If only I had listened for a while.

I still believe, I still believe.

A love so strong will carry on; you know there's so much to be seen.

I still believe; I still believe.

It's not the end, let's start again.

I still believe.

***

Part 4 - Feels Like Home

Somethin' in your eyes, makes me wanna lose myself
Makes me wanna lose myself, in your arms
There's somethin' in your voice, makes my heart beat fast
Hope this feeling lasts, the rest of my life

If you knew how lonely my life has been
And how long I've been so alone
And if you knew how I wanted someone to come along
And change my life the way you've done

***

***

As he walked outside he saw Ginny leaving Hermione's side and approaching him. As soon as she saw him, she understood he was going to talk to Hermione.

“I wouldn't do that if I were you. You're the one that put her in that situation.”

“I have to talk to her; I can't see her like this.”

“OK”

As he was walking to her he could help but note again how beautiful she was, this young woman he had grown to love, yes love. These six months have just that positive side to them; he had finally realized how much he loved her. But he didn't know what to do, she was probably hating him right now, she couldn't possibly love him.

Anyway; he went and sat by her side, if she realized that he was there beside her she made no attempt of showing it. They sat in silence for some time before Harry decided to tell her what's been bothering him.

“I'm an idiot.” He continued to stare at the little lake as his voice broke the eerie silence that surrounded them.

“What?” She expected him to say many things; maybe to apologize, to say how much he's sorry for hurting her like that, never did she expect him to say that.

“I'm an idiot.” He repeated with the same calmness in his voice and still looking straight ahead.

“Six months ago I had an internal conflict. I was glad that he was finally gone, but part of me...well I'm not proud of it, but part of me wished he'd survived.”

“I used to think that Voldemort made me who I was, he gave me a reason, an aim to live - it was my goal in life: killing Voldemort once and for all. And that's it. Yeah I've thought about becoming an auror but it didn't feel like a goal or aim in life. It didn't make me feel fulfilled. I thought it was Voldemort who gave me something to live for. And when I killed him, I felt lost; what was I to do now? What's my goal, my aim?

“Everything started to change and I don't like change. I had become accustomed to a specific routine, you know: Voldemort comes out of hiding, I face him and he goes hiding again, then he comes out... it was the same routine for the last seven years and it made me feel somewhat safe, knowing what was ahead of me.

“But suddenly I lost that feeling; I didn't know what was ahead of me and I it frightened me.

“Everyone was rejoicing, partying... everyone was so happy, and I was so scared.

“Then you came and I thought `I'll talk about it to Hermione, she always listens to me, and she'll tell me what to do'; but when you come you say that you want to talk to me. And it felt like `here we go again, another change - I do the talking generally and you the listening'. I was so confused; I didn't know how to act - what to do! God all I had to do was just sit there and listen to you and I was so self-absorbed that I actually found that difficult to do.

“And you were right, all the things you said, you had a right to say those things, `cause I am... what words did you use? Ah yes “arrogant-seeking-attention-bastard”. I am, really.

“I don't know how it happened, one minute we're sitting there, the next we're shouting at each other and then I'm living the worst six months of my life.

“I realized that it wasn't Vodemort who gave me stability in life, it was you.” At this he finally turned his head to her and she could see that his eyes were watery.

He saw that she was still unable to talk so he continued, “These past six months were horrible because you were not by my side. I managed to survive 7 years at Hogwarts full of dark moments only because you were there giving me the strength that I needed.

“Hermione Jane Granger, I am lost without you.

I only hope that you could forgive me, I understand if you don't `cause I've been an idiot, but I really hope you do. And well I'm just happy that I finally put my pride aside and got the guts to talk to you.”

With that said he leaned in and gently brushed his lips on her cheek and whispered, “Merry Christmas Hermione.” Then he got up and made his way back to the house.

Hermione's mind was racing; it was racing really fast trying to bring out some sort of logic from what Harry had just told her. The last part kept replaying in her mind; he described her as the most important person in his life. Maybe... or maybe not. She would never find out if she doesn't...

“Wait!”

Her voice echoed around the place making him turn around and look at her. She was slowly walking towards him and tears were once again staining her face.

“I'm sorry.”

“What?!” He never expected her to say that!

“The Fight; it wasn't a one-sided effort, I have my blame too. I shouldn't have said those things, I hope you know that I didn't mean them, I never did.”

“I know that.”

“Good, because I couldn't stand it if you'd hate me.” Her voice broke down and she couldn't stop the tears from leaving her eyes.

Harry gently wiped her tears with his thumb, “I could never hate you - you are my rock”

At that Hermione broke down in tears and hugged him as if her life depended on it. When they broke apart he put his forehead on hers and just looked in her eyes. They were shining as brightly as ever, he wanted to tell her so many things, he wanted to tell her about his feelings for her and this was the right time.

“God, six months without talking, there's so many things I have to tell you.”

“Then say them now.”

“I...I love you.” He whispered it so softly that she thought she had just imagined it.

“Really?”

“Yeah, really.”

At that Hermione couldn't take it anymore, so she started crying.

“'Mione, what's wrong? If you don't feel the same...”

“No, I do. That's what I was going to tell you before we had The Fight.”

“Oh God, I am an idiot!”

“Yeah you are, I do love you Harry, with all my heart-“

“But?”

She trusted him and she loved him but she just needed to hear something from him, after The Fight she was really hurt and now she just wanted to make sure he won't do it again.

“Just don't hurt me; don't hurt me.”

“I won't. Not again, I won't”

And with that she kissed him, it wasn't a chaste kiss it was a kiss full of passion and love. And the wind blew so strongly around them that they didn't hear the people in the Weasley house cheer them.

When they broke apart Harry looked at her, she had snowflakes in her hair and her cheeks were flushed; it was a wonderful picture.

“You're so beautiful!”

Hermione smiled and blushed, “Well, that's because of Ginny, she wanted to dress me up and-“

“No, it's not just today. You've always been beautiful to me.”

With that said he gently took her hand and led her back to the house where they found chaos; people exchanging money and smiling at the same time. They later found out about the latest Weasley invention and Hermione was mad, to say the least, the twins approached Harry and told him they would give him the only copy of the tape as a present when the get married.

It was all a joyous celebration, a wonderful day full of hope and love. He had Hermione by his side and he couldn't be happier, he had no doubt at all that everything would work out fine. And while he was enjoying the familiar scene in front of him he suddenly realized what it felt like to have Hermione in his arms; it felt like home.

***

A window breaks, down a long, dark street
And a siren wails in the night
But I'm alright, 'cause I have you here with me
And I can almost see, through the dark there is light

Well, if you knew how much this moment means to me
And how long I've waited for your touch
And if you knew how happy you are making me
I never thought that I'd love anyone so much

It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way the back where I come from
It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong

***

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

***

Song: I Still Believe - A1

Song: Feels Like Home - Chantal Kreviazuk (I just love this song!!!)

Hope you liked this, please review if you can.

Thanks,

Marija

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