Blue Collar Hogwarts

Anime Redneck

Rating: R
Genres: Romance, Humor
Relationships: Harry & Hermione
Book: Harry & Hermione, Books 1 - 5
Published: 01/02/2005
Last Updated: 01/02/2005
Status: completed

There's a talent show at Hogwarts and Harry is doing standup comedy. Rated R for language.

Chapters

1. untitled

1. untitled

Disclaimer: Harry Potter is owned By J.K. Rowling and Scholastic. Many Jokes were inspired by Jeff Foxworthy, Bill Engvall, Ron White, and Larry the Cable Guy from Blue Collar Comedy Tour; plus various movies.

Special Thanks to Jedi Klonoa who helped me come up with a lot of the material here, and to Classic Cowboy for Beta reading for me.

Blue Collar Hogwarts

Harry stood just out of view of the stage that had been erected in the great hall. He still didn't know how he had gotten himself into this mess. Well actually he did. Hermione had decided to put on a talent show in order to raise money for S.P.E.W. Being Hermione's boyfriend (although no one knew his as they had somehow managed to keep it a secret) Harry had to participate in the talent show. He could still remember how Hermione had "talked" him into it.

"Harry what are you going to be doing for the talent show?" Hermione asked

"I'm not going to be in the show." He replied

"Harry your going to be in the show.,” said Hermione in a dangerously low voice

"HEY.... sounds good."

And so that was how Harry came to be the final person to be performing in this damned talent show. Actually the whole thing had gone pretty good. Ginny had sung Fancy by Reba McEntire. Draco amazingly had performed a ballet act. Then, to top it all off Ron had decided to go for quantity over quality: performing a different talent every other act. At one point he was actually on stage arguing with Hermione about whether or not he could continue trying different talents. He had played a game of chess against himself, caught galleons off his arm, ate a three-course meal in under 20 minutes, and attempted to break a brick with his forehead. Harry was certain he'd cracked his skull during the last one.

Taking a deep breath Harry prepared to walk on stage and perform his act. "Showtime" he muttered

"How's everyone doing tonight? Let me see a show of hands of how many people survived the last year with Umbridge simply because they had good friends to suffer alongside of? Yeah me too. My friends are great just my dorm mates alone are enough to drive me crazy though take for example this happened after the first hogsmeade weekend."

Ron: "So Harry, tell us about this girl you went out with. How old is she?"

Harry: "She's a year younger than us."

Dean: "Damn."

Ron: "Really? What house is she in?"

Harry: "She's in Ravenclaw."

Dean: "Shit."

Ron: "Come on Harry who is she?"

Harry: "Fine Ron it's Luna Lovegood."

Dean: "That is Whack."

"Of course these are the same friends who have no better luck with women than I do. Like a lot of people don't realize Hermione has a twin named Helen. If you think you're surprised you should've seen the look on Ron's face when he first met her. Before I tell you what he said I should let you know that Hermione's sister is nothing like her. She's got short pink hair and has absolutely no shame in what she says. Ron took one look at her and said: "Marry me." I just looked at him and said "Bro get a grip you barley met her." He turns back to me and says "Harry three things: 1. She's Hermione's twin, 2. She's not obsessed with books. 3. That bellybutton ring is HOT." “Hermione's sister is pretty cool though. She is still the only person to have ever beaten me at poker. Though in my defense there were other players in the game. Their names are Jack Daniels and Helens good Bud Weiser. Man I tell you that girl drinks like a fish.”

“This reminds me of this past summer when I took Ron and Hermione to the state fair being held in London. With that in mind have you ever seen someone so ugly you needed someone to verify it for you?”

“Ron! Quick you gotta see this. Get outta line it's worth it. Over there… isn't that the hairiest back you've ever seen? Look's like big foot in a tank top.”

“OH MY GOD Harry it's a woman! And she's got kids. SOMEBODY SLEPT WITH THAT WOMAN!!!”

Then Hermione walked up behind us and said “Hey guys look there's my Aunt Becky.”

"If you understand Hermione's home life it makes you wonder why she seems to have such a unbelievable faith in grown ups. Just this year I go to see Dumbledore in his office. He's there with his school trunk that he hasn't opened in over 20 years, and he finds pack of lemon drops in it. Skip ahead two days. Hermione is telling me to trust Dumbledore. My response was: "Woman are you crazy the man's hopped up and a 20 year old lemon drop." As if on cue Dumbledore comes running thru the hall buck naked screaming "WE'RE GOIN STREAKING." Thank god that beard covered him."

"It's no wonder why we're so crazy I mean if that's what the faculty acts like how are we expected to act? Fortunately I believe I have figured this out. Back in my third year Hufflepuff and Gryffindor thru a party at the end of the quidditch season. We were celebrating winning the cup and they were celebrating beating us in our game. Now we all know what we thought of the first time we heard the house name was Hufflepuff. I'm not going to say if it's true or not; just that they are all very good at herbology and the smoke in the room could've stopped a rampaging hippogriff dead in it's tracks. I over heard Cedric Diggory talking to Ernie Macmillan."

"Ernie you like being in Hufflepuff?" Cedric asked

"Yeah it's great." He replied

"Well we're gonna kick you out if you don't hufflepass."

"Anyway, the party went on till about 2 in the morning when Prof. Mcgonagall showed up. By now I was so high off the fumes I was like: "Oh shit its Mcgonagall, put your shirt on Ginny. Okay everyone shut up and let me do the talking.... Hey Minnie what's up? Hey, I thought you said you didn't want to come back out here tonight? I'm glad you did though I want to report a crime. Ron puked in the fire place and it's fucking cold in this castle." Man I thought I'd be in detention till I was thirty."

"Quidditch seasons are rough on us though aren't they? Especially when you need to fill old spots. Once I was talking to my buddy Dean and I asked him, "Why is it that besides Angelina you don't see many black people playing Quidditch?" he looked at me and said, "Well Harry you see we brothers just haven't figured out this whole flying on a piece of wood at a hundred miles an hour deal. But we'll get the hang of it sooner or later." You watch ten years from now Dean will be the Quidditch league M.V.P. seven years in a row.

"One person we don't need to worry about being M.V.P. is Ron. He is my best friend, but his first game was awful. It was so bad Angelina called a timeout and performed a sticking charm to Ron's hands. Ron looked at her and said "Hey wait Angelina isn't this illegal?" She just replied to him: "What are they gonna do Ron put you in Quidditch jail?" Fortunately we won the game, and haven't had to use the charm on Ron since. Although I never thought he'd continue after his second practice when Angelina made him cry.”

“Are you crying Ron? Are you? There's no crying in Quidditch!” At this point she got right in Ron's face. “In my first year on the team Oliver Wood called me flying piece of crap, and did I cry? No. Do you wanna know why? Cause there's no crying in Quidditch! There's no crying in Quidditch!”

Next thing I know Snape walks on the pitch and asked what was going on. When Angelina told him Ron was crying he replied. “Perhaps Ms. Johnson you should treat your team like the little girls they act like?”

“Anyone ever tell you that you look like a little penis with a wig on?”

“I'm not gonna say what went on after that. Mostly cause Snape's language alone would get me in a month's worth of detention. Eventually Ron did get better though and is now the best keeper in the school. Though I wish he weren't. Not because I'm jealous or intimidated by his newfound skills, but because I can't stand the damn stories he tells.”

“It was 5 in the morning. Freezing cold outside, and I could see my breath. I had gone to the pitch early to prep for the game. You didn't want to come Harry. You wimp. I had all my gear on ready to go. I practiced and warmed up for hours before the game. Then it started. What were you doing all this time Harry?”

“Well Ron, I woke up about half an hour before the match started with a hangover. I proceeded to get dressed and make my way down to the pitch when my girlfriend asked for a quickie. Hell Ron there was no way I was gonna pass that up.”

"In reality Ron only has 2 modes: Whine and fight. Honestly he either whines about something or he fights with Hermione that's it. The other day the three of us we're walking out of Weasley Wizarding Weezes when Hermione asked Ron if he had bought all the jokes that he was carrying out. He replied, "Hell no I didn't pay for these jokes, just like I pay you no mind." Ron continued arguing that he didn't need to pay for the jokes because he spent his childhood having them tested on him. The worst incident involving him whining was in third year when a dog bit his leg and he was crying to Hermione "They may have to chop it off." I just wanted to walk over there, smack him upside the head, and say "Quit cryin like a little bitch and cowboy up!"

“At least Ron's brothers are cool. The twins threw me a birthday party this year complete with Fire Whiskey. Ended up drinkin so much that I had a Fire Whiskey dream. Don't worry babe you were there.( He said while pointing to a seventh year in the front row.) Your boyfriend was there too. He was the one holding the camera. You think I'm just kidding around huh? Well I'm not. I want you in the worst way possible… standing up in a hammock. I can see people in the crowd doing the math now: two plus two… yeah that's gonna hurt.”

“This past summer I traveled to Bulgaria to visit Victor Krum. I won't go into details about why went. I went that's all there is to it. Anyway while we were there we went down to a club. I wanted to go to one because there's no drinking age there and it had been a rough year. Well we get to the front door and the bouncer stops us. Keep in mind I have my black Hogwarts cloak on.”

“You can't go in here wearing that cloak.” He told me

“Why the hell not?”

“Because gay people were those kind of cloaks and we don't want them in here.”

“Really? Back in England we just go by the one's with…your haircut.”

“So anyway took off the cloak and went in. a couple beers later and I forgot about the fact that I'm not supposed to wear my cloak and I put it back on. Within 5 minutes I feel someone tap me on the shoulder and say, “your outta here” I looked back and replied “I don't think so scooter.” The next thing I recall four bouncers hurled me out of the club. Not led me out hurled me out like a football. Then they called the aurors on me cause I refused to pay for a chair I broke on my way out. Actually it was broken on my thigh on the way out.”

The main auror looked at me and said. “Mister Potter you are being charged with being drunk in public.”

“Hey hey hey, I was drunk in a bar. These people threw me into public arrest them.”

“So there I was in the Auror Detainment Chamber were they tell me there goin to have to call in my full personal record. Meaning everything I've ever gotten in trouble for or did in the history of my life. They do this with a little quill charmed to write a copy of the original held here in Hogwarts. Four hours, six parchments, and three quills later the record is complete.

"My life has gotten a lot better these past few months. Mainly because I have found myself a serious girlfriend. I cherish everyday with her; she is the apple of my eye. And I am the center of her world.... unless you put a book in front of her. Then I might as well be single again. Hell we were havin sex last week and she had me stop so she could finish the last chapter of Hogwarts: A History. I'm beginning to think that may not be such a bad thing especially considering a recent run in with Snape. Yeah, you know where this is going. What happened was Snape caught me and my girlfriend in a compromising position. Honestly though, just because I had my hand up her blouse and she was screaming my name-shut up Dean she was!!! Anyway, screaming my name in passion doesn't mean we were doing anything-inappropriate right? Well Snape didn't see it that way he docked us 50 house points, and before I could stop myself I said, "Just because you didn't get any in school is no reason to take it out on me." Boy was that the wrong response. I didn't know the house points went into the negatives."

“I remember my first time I was intimate with my girlfriend. Have you guys ever heard of these people they call screamers? Well apparently she had never been with one before. Cause I was getting into it. Just screamin at the top of my lungs and she says.”

“What's wrong with you?”

“I'm a screamer baby. Daddy makes a little racket in the sack.”

“Anyway it was all fine and good until I noticed her cat was watching us from the foot of the bed. Let me tell ya it's hard to throw down your best moves when you got those eyes watching you. Cause you know he's thinking: “Wow Harry nice move. Whoa doesn't that hurt your back?”

"You know I hate a stupid person. In fact if I had my way stupid people would wear signs that way we wouldn't rely on them. We'd also carry these signs around so when someone did something stupid we'd just say, "Here's Your Sign."

"My first train ride to Hogwarts my buddy said he was gonna show me a spell. As he pointed his wand at the rat, some girl walks in and asked, "Are you going to do a spell?"

My Friend looked at her and said, "No I was just about to have my rat turn this stick into a flute with his teeth." Here's Your Sign

"In my second year I went down to the Chamber of Secrets and killed a basilisk. I'm standing over the carcass with a bloody sword and Lockhart comes into the room and says, "Did you kill that snake?"

"Nope, talked him into givin up," Here's Your Sign

Last year when Umbridge was inspecting the teachers she came into Mcgonagall's class and asked, “Did you get my message informing you of the time of your inspection?”

Mcgonagall just looked at her and said, “Why no, I just thought you were here to see how a real professor teaches.” Here's Your Sign

I was heading out to the pitch the other day with my broomstick. When Hermione walked up to me and said, “Are you going flying on that broomstick?”

“No, just thought I'd tidy up the common room a bit.” Here's Your Sign

And lastly the one even I'm not immune to. I went into my dorm one day and a friend of mine had a coat hanger in the lock of his trunk. I asked, "Did lock your wand in your trunk?"

And he just looked at me and said, "No, just washed the trunk gonna hang it to dry." Here's Your Sign

"Thanks everyone good… Ron what are you doing?” (Ron had walked on to the stage with a guitar).

“Harry dude, listen, do you know what would totally make my day?”

“A couple O.W.L.S.?”

“No man I don't need a bird. You remember that party with the raven claws last month?”

“Anyone who says they remember that party wasn't really there.”

“Come on you remember. Hermione got wasted and gave you that lap-“

“HEY. We swore not to speak of that!”

“Oh yeah I forgot. Sorry.”

“Have you been drinking?”

“Yeah why?”

“ No reason. What do you want?”

“Remember that song we wrote? I thought we should sing it.”

“That I Believe song we wrote while we were hammered?”

“Yeah that's the one.”

“Hell why not.”

(Ron begins playing the guitar)

“I Believe, that Fleur Delacluer should be one of Bertie Blots Every Flavor Beans. Jumbo size.” Said Ron

“I Believe, that if you show me a 3 year old running around Diagon alley, drinking butter beer from a baby bottle, throwing rocks at any target he can find. And I'll show you a future Quidditch fan.” Said Harry

“I Believe, the way to a man's heart is not thru his stomach. It's a little further south.”

“I Believe, I need a drink.” (With that Harry walked off the stage and returned with what appeared to be a butter beer) “That's better.”

“I Believe, that Veela should be required to date anyone that asks them out.”

“Yeah because that's the only way you'd ever get a date with one.”

“Shut up Harry.”

“I Believe, that if you can't say something nice…you must be talking about Cornelius Fudge.”

“I Believe, that the female orgasm is like a tootsie pop. I wish I new how many licks it took to get to the center. But I never made it without biting.”

“I Believe, That if life gives you lemons, make lemonade. And then go find someone who's life made Fire whiskey and have a party. Goodnight Everyone.”

Authors note:

Before I go I have one last set of jokes that I couldn't quite write into the story so I decided to leave them separate hear at the end. Enjoy

If for your potions final you made a bottle of moonshine.

You Might Be a Redneck Wizard

If you've ever been on the cover of Broom trader magazine.

You Might Be a Redneck Wizard

If you've ever burned your eyebrows off trying to turn water into wine.

You Might Be a Redneck Wizard

If you've ever been accused of using inappropriate spells on a farm animal.

You Might Be a Redneck Wizard

If you've ever used the Alohamora spell to open a beer can.

You Might Be a Redneck Wizard

If you've ever mooned someone while on a broom.

You Might Be a Redneck Wizard

If you've ever tried to start a BBQ with a fire-breathing dragon.

You Might Be a Redneck Wizard

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