Penance by RONIN10 Rating: PG13 Ship: Harry & Hermione Canon: Books 1 - 5 Genre: Angst Status: Complete Length: 1,070 words in 1 chapter Published: 2 Feb 2005 Last updated: 2 Feb 2005 This was the way she always came to him. His mind relaxed and empty, when he least expected it and he needed her most. He sighed deeply, knowing it would be some time before he would see her again. From the Unofficial Portkey Archive: https://portkey-archive.org/story/3740/ ------------------------------------------------------------------------ 1. Penance Disclaimer: I wish I did, but I don't own Harry Potter. That belongs to J.K. Rowling, Scholastic, etc. This story is purely for your entertainment and mine. Penance The morning sun slashed harshly through the bedroom curtains like a razor. Although it was late June and warm, this day always presented a chill that would never leave his skin. His body clung to the bed as he forced himself from the cocoon of sheets he had fashioned for himself during the night. With an agonizing protest from the weak side of his brain, he pulled himself up out of bed, compelling his feet to carry him to the bathroom. The chrome was cool against his skin as he turned on the water, but it took extreme temperatures for any sensation to break through the walls imprisoning his mind. Hot today; it's got to be damn near scalding today, he thought. Dialing up the temperature until he was satisfied, he proceeded to untie the drawstring to his pajamas. He was so thin these days that once the knot was undone, the elastic waistband did nothing to hold them on his hips. He ventured a vague glance at the fogging mirror, mildly noting that his ribs were beginning to peek through beneath his skin. Some small part of him was shocked that he didn't care. He climbed into the shower and let the water sear his skin, forcing down the instinct to turn the water temperature back down to a reasonable level. The flesh of his neck and back instantly reddened from the blistering water as he hung his head under the shower nozzle. The hot water seemed to wash away the melancholy and he was left feeling numb and vacant, with only the punishing heat from the water to accompany his fractured mind. He placed his hands on either side of the showerhead and rolled his head back to allow the water to flow directly onto his face. It felt as if the water were lacerating his cheeks as it flowed past them and filled his ears. The splashing on the shower floor faded, leaving only the rush of the water in his ears. As his skin slowly adjusted to the near scalding temperatures, he ceased to consider his breathing, forgot the pressure on his feet, and allowed the rush of water in ears to ebb away. He stood that way for a many moments as the steam from the shower filled the bathroom. It hung thick in the air like a choking fog, but he experienced nothing of the world in those precious moments. His mind was empty, the heat of the water and the misery of haunting memories forgotten. It was in this bleak state of nirvana that he first felt her. For the first time in a year, he came alive again when her delicate fingers met his skin. His head lost its ability to support itself and fell forward, allowing the water to rain down around his face. Sound and touch reentered his consciousness and he was able to distantly observe the transition in his breath from a steady and rhythmic drone to deep and uneven attempts to keep air in his lungs. He slid his eyelids back into his skull, watching the individual water drops cascade from his head towards the tile floor before becoming fuzzy and nondescript as they descended beyond the edges of his vision. The skin of his lower back tingled with electricity under her fingertips. Slowly, her right hand began tracing the scars on his back, the indicators of his most profound failure. He stood rooted to his spot under the water, helpless to move under her softest touch. He let his eyes slip shut again when her left hand touched his side at the waist, wanting every ounce of his attention focused on this rare moment. Her right hand abandoned the scars and crept up his back and over his shoulder, coming to rest in the center of his chest. She slid her left hand around his side and across his waist, grasping his opposite hip. Pulling her body into his, he was forced to stand upright. For a moment he lived again when he felt her bare flesh push into his back as she embraced him, holding him tightly to herself. They stayed that way for several moments, reveling in the comfort of each other's touch before she pressed a kiss into his shoulder and he felt her touch melt away. A sense of panic flooded over him when he could no longer feel her skin against his. He snapped open his eyes and he turned to face her, daring himself to believe that she would be there. As had happened so many time before, she wasn't. This was the way she always came to him. His mind relaxed and empty, when he least expected it and he needed her most. He sighed deeply, knowing it would be some time before he would see her again. He sank to the floor of the shower and exhaled a pained breath. "I miss you too, Hermione," he whispered to the empty curtain of fog. It would be some time before he would move again. He would lie there until the water ran cold as ice and he could no longer contain the violent shaking. He knew today was a day for suffering. Today, he punished himself more than any other day. Today was the day he should've died and so… he did his penance for not doing so, hoping to die a thousand deaths over so that he could have prevented just one. Today was the day he failed to save Hermione. A/N: This scene occurred to me many months ago while I was showering myself (keep your snarky comments to yourself). I found myself in a melancholy mood for no apparent reason and felt some kind of strange numbness from the funk I was in as I took a very hot shower. I saw water drops falling from my head and blurring at the periphery of my vision and the rest of the story formed itself around that image. Originally, it was not meant to be a HP piece, just a scene to be used in a TBD story at a later time, but I thought I'd tweak it a bit to fit on Portkey. I hope you liked it.