Underneath it All

Chapter One: The Beginning of an End

Our dreams are where we hide the darkest shades of fear.

Lily Evans woke up as sunlight streamed in through her window. She squinted wearily around her room, waiting for the blurriness to disappear. She wasn’t at all a morning person. Lily stretched and stared at the ceiling, trying to remember the dream she’d been having, but the details were slipping and the images were becoming vague shadows with no distinct shape. The only thing she could recall was the voice of James Potter. She wondered why it was his voice that reigned in her dreams and why the emotions she felt during these dreams were so pure and honest. Pure and honest disgust and irritation, that is.

She looked dishevelled in the early hours of morning and even her normally tidy room was strewn with various clothes and books. She swung her legs off her bed and dug her toes into the soft rug beneath her feet, yawning as she picked herself up and made her way to the shower. She emerged twenty minutes later, more awake and alert than she was when she first woke up, and made her way towards the kitchen. Her mother was awake, making coffee and eggs for the family.

“I’m not very hungry, just going to take a piece of toast, Mum,” said Lily, as she grabbed a slice. “I’ve got to finish packing. Where’s Dad?”

Her mother smiled at her. “Your father is upstairs getting dressed. Now, don’t forget anything and make sure you don’t dawdle. You don’t want to miss your train. As Head Girl, you want to set a good example.”

Lily rolled her eyes. “It’s six-thirty, Mum. I’m sure I won’t take that long. I wasn’t late last year either. And of course I’ll set a good example! I did while I was Prefect,” retorted Lily.

“But you could always do better, dear.”

Lily sighed in frustration and walked into her room. She picked up the nearest book, The Standard Book of Spells Grade 7, and put it inside her trunk on a neat pile of books next to her folded school uniform and robes.

She finished packing her wand, books, and clothing, and scanned the room for anything she might have missed. Satisfied that she had packed everything, she closed her trunk. Lily ran her hand along the deep oak-coloured trunk and traced the Hogwarts emblem that was engraved on top. Her initials were engraved in perfect calligraphy just below the insignia. She smiled to herself at the thought of her school—the blazing fires, throngs of students, new and exciting classes, delicious feasts, and the balls—it was the perfect school and Lily never wanted to go anywhere else. She thought of how she would have missed out on all that Hogwarts offered if she hadn’t been a witch.

She sighed as she took in her surroundings. She wouldn’t see this room for another nine months. Lily was spending Christmas at Hogwarts—her first Christmas without her parents. Her mother and father had decided to go skiing in France and Lily wasn’t all that interested in skiing. Lily’s sister, Petunia, however, had seized the opportunity in a heartbeat.

Petunia managed to stay out of Lily’s way and Lily out of hers, but Lily couldn’t help feeling lonesome at times during the summer when all she had for company were her books and an owl. Lily had friends at Hogwarts, but they were little more than acquaintances. She had few friends that she spoke to of things aside from school. She had one friend, only one, with whom she shared almost everything. She found out at an early age that the more people that know your secrets, the worse off you are because someone is bound to let something slip. She rarely divulged her secrets to anyone, afraid of their reactions when they realized that Prefect-turned-Head-Girl Lily Evans wasn’t so perfect after all. She also had no one to answer her questions about the new rising fear in the wizarding world; the dark wizard known as Lord Voldemort, who killed Muggles and Muggle-born wizards like Lily. It was a lonely life for Lily at home, but it didn’t matter at Hogwarts, because Lily was caught up in all her schoolwork, tutoring others, making sure she did all that was asked of her, and being chased after by James Potter.

Now that her seventh year was upon her, Lily hoped that the schoolwork would be piled on even more in preparation for the Nastily Exhausting Wizarding Tests that they would take at the end of the year. She wanted to be too exhausted to even dream at night.

If there was anything that Lily hated more than having unexplained and indistinct dreams, it would be James, who was so often the subject of those dreams. It frustrated her to no end that she had no idea why James would be in her dreams, talking to her calmly and smoothly, when all she ever did was ignore him or snap at him. Why should she ever give him a chance to even be that close to her?

Lily sighed again as her mother called for her from downstairs.

“Lily, it’s time to get moving!”

Lily grabbed her trunk and dragged it down the stairs. She briefly glanced into the kitchen to see her father and Petunia sitting at the kitchen table, holding a conversation over breakfast.

“Good morning, my precious Lily,” her father greeted her as she walked into the kitchen.

She smiled and hugged her father as he kissed her forehead.

“Are you ready?”

Lily nodded and looked at Petunia expectantly.

“Well…goodbye, freak,” said Petunia, a bit too stiffly for Lily’s liking. Christmas without Lily. Petunia thought it was the most brilliant idea ever.

Ever since Lily had been accepted into Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Petunia had made a point to tear Lily down or, if she could manage, make her cry. The fact that her sister was a witch made Petunia cringe with disgust and that her parents accepted a freak like Lily was beyond Petunia’s comprehension. She bore the burden of keeping her sister’s “unnaturalness” a secret from everyone’s prying eyes and strained ears. In all honesty, Petunia was more afraid and jealous of Lily than loathsome; she just masked the fear with hatred and disgust.

Petunia was afraid that Lily would blow something up, turn her into something unnatural, or that someone would find out what Lily was—and that was her biggest fear: having someone discover that she was related to a freak. She couldn’t understand how her parents were so proud. Petunia would never admit that she missed Lily during the school year, but she would readily admit that she missed bringing Lily down. It wasn't the nicest thing to be glad of but, then again, Petunia wasn't really all that nice.

“You’re not going to be seeing your sister until next summer. Be nice,” her mother scolded.

Petunia rolled her eyes and left the kitchen.

“I take it she’s not coming to see me off one last time,” Lily said, somewhat disappointed. She had nothing against Petunia, even if Petunia disliked her. This was probably one of the last times she would see Petunia and she desperately wanted to hear some kind words from her sister’s mouth. But Lily knew she would be asking too much from Petunia and decided that being told off by her sister wasn’t exactly how she wanted to start her first day back at Hogwarts. Lily looked at her mother with hope in her eyes, but six years of broken hope had made her believe that anything she hoped for would soon end.

Her mother smiled gently at her and tried to nudge her out the door.

“You know how your sister is,” her father said softly, as they walked out the door, “Don’t worry about it, Lily. It’s not the end of the world. I wish that she would have at least given you a proper goodbye as well, but wishing isn’t something that we need to base our lives on.”

Her father always said that and somehow that made Lily want to wish even more for things that were impossible; but that’s where her dreams came in. Dreams allow us all to become safely and quietly insane every night of our lives and it’s all we’ve ever hoped and wished for—that we know will always be just hopes and wishes and never truth.

The Evans lived in a quaint little home on the corner of Mulberry Drive. The houses were identically aligned on every street, each with an identical well-kept front lawn that ended with an identical small garden wall.

“Good morning!” called their next-door neighbour, Mr. Cole.

Lily turned to see Mr. Cole watering his front lawn. She smiled and waved to him.

Mr. Cole had a nephew named Adam, who had been Lily’s best friend when they were younger. But during Lily’s first year at Hogwarts, Adam had committed suicide. It had shocked her that someone so young would want to take his own life, but the warning signs had been there and she had just ignored them, thinking they were a phase--something he was going through as he was getting over the death of his parents. Lily‘s father pulled her from her reverie as he called goodbye to Mr. Cole.

With the help of her father, Lily heaved her trunk into the car and once they were all settled--with Lily’s owl hooting dolefully in his cage on her lap--her mother began the forty-five minute drive to King’s Cross Station.

The ride was uneventful and Lily’s father helped her get a trolley for her trunk and owl cage. She hugged her tearful mother and father goodbye, promising to owl them soon.

“Make us proud, as you already have,” her father said, smiling proudly at her. “Your final year and Head Girl…time sure has passed quickly.” He shook his head in disbelief, smiling.

“Have a happy Christmas,” Lily replied. “Don’t forget to tell me all about the ski trip, alright?”

Her parents nodded and hugged her one more time.

She then made her way through the barrier to Platform 9 ¾.

Her mother wiped away the tears and Lily thought she heard her mumble, "My perfect little girl is so grown up."

Perfect. The word hit her like a ton of bricks. Did her parents think she was perfect? Was she supposed to be perfect? Flawless? Lily was hardly flawless. It seemed that whenever Lily looked into the mirror, everything she saw was flawed. Everyone else only seemed to see the perfect Lily and not the Lily that she knew. All Lily wanted was for someone else to see her as she did; just one person who could understand her.

Lily spent the next ten minutes huffing as she pulled her trunk onto the train and found herself an empty compartment. She quickly pulled on her school uniform and pinned her Head Girl badge to her robes. She then sat down and indulged herself in the Charms book getting a head start on this year’s lessons. She sighed contentedly when the train began to depart from the station, leaving parents far behind as they waved goodbye to their children. Lily wished her sister had come to see her off.

She didn’t brood on that for long, feeling a sudden rush of gratitude that her sister didn’t come. Lily was now leaving her obnoxious sister’s presence for almost a whole year and she was on her way to a place she had come to call her home. Her eyes flickered up from the page she was reading as she heard her compartment door slide open. She groaned inwardly as she saw the tall, lean figure of the one person she least wanted to see. James Potter. He was flanked by his best friend, Sirius Black, and their two other close friends, Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew. Together they were known as the infamous Marauders: daring pranksters, intelligent students, and the most sought-after boys at Hogwarts. Lily hated almost everything about them. She envied the friendship they had and the trust they had for one another. Remus and Sirius were both good friends of Lily’s, but she wasn’t one to open up too easily, even though she always did fall apart too fast. Lily needed a backbone, someone who could stitch her back together when she fell apart because she was too weak to hold herself together. The Marauders were each other’s support and a friendship like theirs was all Lily wanted in life.

“Evans! Have a nice summer?” asked James, as he ran his fingers through his hair. It was a habit of his; he thought that the girls liked it when his hair was messy, but Lily wasn’t exactly like other girls and that’s why James wanted to pursue her. All the other girls at Hogwarts bowed down at his feet while Lily would have rather drowned than find herself on her knees before James Potter. The girls cooed and shrieked as James walked by while Lily scoffed. It was the mere fact that Lily did not fall for him like other girls that made her even more desirable. The more desirable she was to James, the more she disliked him.

“Yes, I did actually,” Lily responded. “It was quite pleasant without having to see you for three entire months, Potter. Pity summer doesn’t last longer.”

Sirius smirked. “She sure is honest, Prongs. It must be such a shame that I’m never that forward with you.”

James’ usual grin turned into a frown. He looked crest-fallen.

Inwardly, Lily felt as though perhaps she had been a bit harsh on him, but James never knew when to quit. Despite being let down numerous times, he continued to chase her. It irritated her to no end, but secretly, it meant a lot to her that he didn’t give up. It meant that someone actually cared about her…or wanted to at least even though she pushed him away. In all honesty, Lily would rather spend an entire year with James than with her sister. If he deflated his ego a bit, he wouldn’t be all that bad.

“That was pretty harsh,” James said. Glancing at the badge gleaming on her robes, he added, “Congratulations on making Head Girl.”

“Which reminds me, I’ve got to go to the Prefects’ compartment anyway,” Lily said quickly as she got up.

James stood to follow her.

“And where do you think you’re going?”

“Well…I…I’m the new Head Boy,” said James, fumbling through his robes pocket before pulling out a shiny, glimmering pin.

“You’re what?!” Lily screeched. She looked to Remus for reassurance and he nodded. “Oh, no. NO! Please tell me this is a dream. I am not sharing Head duties with the likes of you! You can’t be serious!”

“Of course he’s not Sirius, I am!” Sirius joked.

James rolled his eyes at the overused pun.

“C’mon Evans, if we’re going to be Head Boy and Girl, we’ve at least got to pretend…pretend to get along.”

“How did you get to be Head Boy?”

“I am intelligent, you know. I’m not just good-looking,” said James.

Lily growled in frustration and hurriedly made her way towards the front compartment to give the new Prefects their orders. She heard James’ heavy footsteps following behind her.

“Evans! Evans, wait up!”

“Just sod off, Potter! Let me do my duties and you can do yours. We’ll come together when necessary but nothing more,” she retorted.

“Evans, wait,” James cried as he grabbed her arm tightly, causing her to turn and face him. “Why do you hate me so much?” His eyes were desperate for an answer, and Lily almost felt sorry for him.

She wrenched her arm from his grasp and pulled the Prefect compartment door open to face the Prefects.

James followed behind her and slammed the door shut. “Evans…”

Lily’s eyes were now dangerous. “Potter, do not speak to me,” she hissed.

The Prefects looked up at them curiously and Lily’s countenance softened.

“Sorry about that. I am your new Head Girl, Lily Evans, and this is your Head Boy.” Lily jerked her head in his direction.

“I’m James Potter,” he cut in and glared angrily at the snickering Slytherins. “Anything funny?” he questioned them.

“No,” they said quickly.

“But who would make a mudblood Head Girl?” one muttered under his breath, thinking the two Heads wouldn’t hear them.

Lily looked shocked for a moment, having overheard the mumbling of the Slytherin prefect, but recovered herself quickly. “Since the school year hasn’t started, be lucky that I cannot take points away from your House. But I swear that if I have any problems with you in the future, I will revoke your position as Prefect,” she said sternly.

James seethed, but kept his tongue, for he knew another outburst would not be appropriate around Lily.

Lily was surprised that James hadn’t stood up for her like he had so many times before. It was almost as if he’d grown up somewhat. Lily went into a long discussion with the Prefects about duties and meetings and gave them schedules as to when they were to roam the halls at night to check for wandering students. “You should all be taking turns walking down the corridor of this train to make sure that certain behaviours don’t go unpunished. Here are the passwords for your Common Rooms. You are dismissed,” Lily finished, collapsing wearily onto one of the empty seats.

James looked at Lily and smiled warmly. If only he could have her, he wouldn’t feel so empty inside. Despite all her accusations and assumptions that he enjoyed being sought after, it was completely the opposite. The fact that all the other girls but her wanted him left him aching for something more, something that only Lily could provide.

Lily looked up to see James staring at her with a glazed look in his eyes and wondered what he could possibly be thinking.

Noticing the direction of her gaze, he blushed slightly and quickly re-focused.

Lily opened her mouth to make another sharp remark, but fell silent at the anxious look on James’s face. She’d never noticed until now how tired and worried he looked whenever he was around her.

“Good luck this year, Evans,” James said as he walked out of the Prefect compartment.

Lily looked at the closed door and sighed heavily. Did she honestly hate Potter? No, the feeling was more like extreme irritation. She walked back towards her compartment that was now occupied by the troublesome Marauders. She found a seat next to Remus while James sat down on the other side of the compartment with Sirius. She enjoyed Remus’ company. She often studied with him in the library or spent rainy Saturday afternoons talking to him. He was her confidant of sorts, considering she didn’t trust too many people.

“Congratulations,” Remus said, smiling at her warmly.

“Thanks! I’m disappointed that you didn’t make Head Boy this year,” she replied, frowning slightly.

Remus shrugged. “If Dumbledore thinks James will make a better Head Boy than me, I respect his decision.”

“That’s very mature of you,” said Lily.

“Lily, can I talk to you about James?” Lily’s eyes narrowed, but she didn’t say anything

Remus took this as a sign to continue talking. “He isn’t as bad as you make him out to be. Give him a chance.”

“Remus, I think I can make my own opinion of Potter. I don’t need you to put in a good word for him,” Lily said irritably.

Remus shrugged and smiled lightly. “At least I can tell him I tried.”

Lily hit him playfully, but smiled nonetheless.

James saw their interaction and grimaced.

“What’s wrong, Prongs?” Sirius asked.

“How can she be so nice to him and treat me like the very dirt on her shoe?” he groaned miserably.

“There are some things about girls you’ve just got to understand.”

“What does that have to do with this?”

“Easy,” Sirius said, as he grinned cheekily and clapped James on the back. “Moony doesn’t ask her out a dozen times a day.”

“I do not ask her out a dozen times a day!” James exclaimed indignantly but quietly, so that Remus and Lily couldn’t overhear their conversation. “Only once or twice.”

All conversations were interrupted when the witch with the food cart arrived at their compartment. Sirius and James, forgetting their conversation, jumped from their seats and rushed over to the witch, buying half the cart from her.

“Hungry?” Lily asked, amused.

“Starving,” Sirius said, as he shoved a Cauldron Cake in his mouth. He offered a Pumpkin Pasty to Remus, who took it gratefully, and some Licorice Wands to Lily, who politely declined.

The rest of the train ride consisted of the Marauders eating everything they could fit into their mouths and insulting the Slytherins. The boys also occasionally joked about Peter and his fear of girls because he’d hardly spoken since entering Lily’s compartment. The sky outside was an inky darkness when the train pulled to a stop in front of the Hogsmeade Station. The disembarking students were plunged into shadows.

The familiar call for first years rang over the heads of the students. The frightened first-years shuffled their way towards the horseless carriages awaiting them. The carriages only carried four students at a time, so Lily went in search of an empty carriage or one that was nearly empty. She found one with a few sixth-year Ravenclaw girls and sat inside. The girls congratulated Lily on becoming Head Girl and their conversation soon turned towards the coursework they would encounter that year.

The darkness of night was shattered as the carriages turned the corner towards Hogwarts. The castle was illuminated by the brilliant fires burning within every room. Lily wished that the carriages would go a bit faster so that she could get inside the castle. Until she got off the train, she hadn’t noticed how hungry she was. The pasties that Sirius and James had bought now seemed quite tantalizing.

She sighed heavily as the carriage came to a stop in front of the large, oak doors and quickly stepped out. The throng of students getting off their carriages pushed their way towards the entrance. The torch-lit hallways and Great Hall looked extremely welcoming from outside. Lily made her way through the crowd of students and into the Great Hall where she sat down at the long Gryffindor table.

The Marauders sat down at the opposite end of the table where they were quickly surrounded by worshipping girls.

Lily sighed. Some things never changed. The girls were still insistent chatterers, and just as giggly as the year before. The looks on their faces made Lily feel like this was going to one extremely long year. Her attention was then directed towards the doors of the Great Hall as they opened and the new first year students entered Hogwarts for their very first time.

The feast was long and boring. Gryffindor received a handful of new students that looked around anxiously at the large castle they were now to call home. Lily remembered how frightened she had felt. She also remembered that James had been the first person to introduce himself to her and she hadn’t hated him then. But as the years progressed and hormones kicked in, everything changed. She didn’t hate James Potter; she just had an intense dislike for the presumptuous person he had become. Suddenly, in the middle of the feast, Lily realized that this dislike for Potter had grown out of jealousy from the attention he received from other girls.

Glancing over at him, she noticed he had in fact changed over the summer. It was only the slightest change, but noticeable. He didn’t seem as arrogant as before, but the ego was still there though slightly deflated. He was holding a conversation with a giggly fifth-year sitting beside him. The girl looked as though she barely even comprehended a word James was saying.

Lily rolled her eyes. It was quite sickening to see how the girls hung off them like peasants idolizing their king though sometimes when Lily lay awake at night, she wondered what it felt like to be intimate with a boy--to be close enough to hear his heart beating and feel his breath on her neck. She would never admit that to anyone, of course, because it was well-known knowledge that Lily didn’t date. After being hurt in fourth year by her very first boyfriend, Lily had never wanted anything to do with boys, especially with a certain James Potter because it was a well-established fact that he would go for any girl in a heartbeat and drop her just as quickly. But he had never gone unattached to a girl for so long before.

She turned her gaze towards Remus. He had grown since last year, both in maturity and height. Of course, he would always have the same sense of humour as the other Marauders, but at least he didn’t gloat about the pranks they pulled or the girls he met. His sandy brown hair fell gracefully into his amber eyes that betrayed every emotion he felt. Looking into Remus’ eyes was like looking into his soul, despite how cliché it sounded. From what she heard from other girls, Remus was very romantic, but like the other Marauders, he couldn’t commit to a relationship. They said that he seemed to be hiding a secret that kept him from becoming steady with a girl, though he always seemed willing to try a long-term relationship.

Lily knew the secret they were talking about. She had discovered it in January of their first year. She couldn’t help but notice that he disappeared once a month, making up excuses that he needed to visit his ill mum. She had believed him at first, but when he kept coming back to Hogwarts looking just as sick as his mum probably was, she became suspicious. Then, by coincidence, while doing a moon chart for Astronomy…it hit her. Remus was a werewolf. She had confronted him and after a few hours of coaxing, he finally, though shamefully, agreed. This confession made Remus and Lily even closer friends.

He was so serious and understanding, making him the perfect person to tell secrets too. Lily did tell Remus her secrets. She told him about Adam and how she thought that he’d only killed himself because he wanted to meet his parents in Heaven, But she did not tell Remus everything. She was sure that he probably didn’t tell her all his secrets either, so she didn’t feel guilty. But Remus was the only person who knew the real Lily—the Lily that she saw every time she looked in the mirror—the Lily who was full of flaws.

She looked up from her deep thoughts when the Great Hall quieted and Professor Dumbledore stood up to address the students.

“Another year has come,” he began. “And hopefully this will be full of memories that we will never forget. First-year students are reminded that the Forbidden Forest is just that, forbidden, though I’m sure that some of our older students should be remembering this as well,” he said, eyeing the Marauders, his crystal blue eyes twinkling brilliantly in the candlelight. “Quidditch tryouts will be held during the second week of term. Anyone interested in playing for their House team should seek contact with their Head of House. I would also like to congratulate Gryffindor for producing our fine Heads this year, Mr. James Potter and Ms. Lily Evans. That is all for now, goodnight to you all and sleep well, for tomorrow is the first day of classes.”

The clattering of forks and knives and the scraping of benches on the cobblestone floor suddenly filled the Hall as students got up to leave. Lily quickly made her way over to the first-years to escort them to the common room. She looked for James, who should have been helping her, but could not find him anywhere. Frustrated and irritated, she led the ‘ickle firsties,’ (as Peeves the Poltergeist called them) towards the common room.

The group had reached the portrait of the Fat Lady and Lily spoke the password, ‘Quidditch.’ The portrait swung open and allowed access to the crimson and gold common room. She then showed the first years to their dormitories (boys on the left, girls on the right) and herded them up the stairs for bed. Lily sighed as she glanced around the common room. So this was home, a place she had missed desperately during her waking hours at Mulberry Drive. But Lily knew that once she was up the stairs and in her four-poster bed, the night surrounding her would suffocate her with nightmares.

“Glad to be back?” one of her roommates asked once the common room had quieted down as the students headed up to their dormitories for the night.

“It’s always good to be home.” Lily looked around, remembering moments from years before, and smiled. The common room was quiet tonight and Lily soon realized why. The Marauders were missing. “Where are the Marauders?”

“No idea. Hey, I’m heading to bed. Goodnight, Lily. Congratulations on making Head Girl.”

“Thanks. Goodnight.” Lily looked around the common room. Curfew was in two minutes. If the Marauders were late…

The portrait covering the common room entrance swung open and the Marauders tumbled in. They were flushed and talking fast and excitedly. That usually meant they were up to something.

“Where were you, Potter?” Lily asked angrily.

James smirked at her. “Why should you care? We’re not late. Curfew isn’t for another minute.”

Lily breathed heavily, trying to hold her anger down, but it was hard around James; he knew just the right buttons to push. “I don’t care where you just were. I meant right after dinner. You were supposed to help me bring the first-years up to the common room. Did you? No, because I couldn’t find you anywhere! What kind of responsibility is that? You’re Head Boy, for Merlin’s sake—act your part!”

“You handled the situation perfectly well, didn’t you?” he responded coolly.

Lily growled and moved towards James in a threatening manner, toying with her wand.

He eyed her warily, but before she could even mutter a curse, Remus stepped in front of her and, with a last glance at James, grabbed her by the shoulders, led her to the nearby couch, and sat her down.

“Calm down, Lily,” said Remus.

“Calm down? How can I calm down when that irritating, foul, loathsome--”

“He isn’t that bad,” Remus interjected.

“Not that bad? Not that bad?! He’s the only one who can possibly make me this angry! That’s not the worst of it either, oh no. The worst of it is that he enjoys making me this angry! He likes to provoke me!”

Remus smiled knowingly at her. “That’s James for you.”

“I don’t understand why Dumbledore had to make him Head Boy…didn’t even help me with the first-years…almost came in late…” Lily continued to mutter to herself for some time before she turned on Remus. “And you…you should have reminded him. You should know better, Remus, since you were a Prefect. You’re the only serious one in that group; you need to keep them in control. As Head Boy, Potter needs to keep you guys in control.”

“I keep them in line as much as I can.”

“Really,” Lily scoffed. “You really handled the situation well after O.W.L.s and that situation with Severus. You didn’t do anything! You know that scuffles like that are against the rules.”

“I didn’t notice anything going on, I was reading,” replied Remus.

“Bollocks! I know you’re intelligent, Remus, but I highly doubt even you know how to read a book upside down.”

Remus blushed but didn’t say a word.

“Potter better get his act together,” she growled angrily, “or I refuse to work with him.”

“Don’t worry, Lily, I’ll give James a little talking-to,” Remus assured her.

“Potter should know what his responsibilities are. He shouldn’t need his friends to remind him.”

“Sometimes we all need reminders,” said Remus.

Lily huffed angrily.

“Why don’t you go to sleep? Classes start tomorrow and you wouldn’t want to be falling asleep in them, would you? What kind of example would you be setting if you fell asleep in class?” Remus teased her.

“You’re right,” Lily said resignedly. “Remind Potter that he’d better set a good example, as well.”

“Don’t worry about James. He will make a good Head Boy. People admire him, look up to him...”

Lily grumbled some more, but got up and headed towards the girls’ dormitory.

“Goodnight, Lily!” Remus called after her.

Lily just waved her hand impatiently and stumbled into the seventh-year girls’ dorm, falling into the welcoming arms of sleep.

Chapter Two: Dreams to Make One Think

"Why do you hate me, Lily?"

Lily stood wide-eyed at James, her mouth hanging slightly open as words fumbled on her tongue. She flushed ever so slightly as he stared at her with those very same desperate, questioning eyes that haunted her dreams. The sun blazed down upon her; tiny beads of perspiration lingered on the hairs that clung to her neck.

But where had the sun come from? Weren't they just standing in the cool, dark interior of the Astronomy Tower after hours? Yet, here she and James stood, beside the lake in the snow. Despite the snow and bone-chilling weather, Lily was hot and feverish as though she were put under a huge pressure.

James looked at her anxiously, shivering slightly from the cold.

Lily assumed that he didn't feel the sun burning on his face as she did. She watched as he ran his fingers through his hair. Lily could tell that he had just gotten finished with a snowball fight because his fingers were wet and his hair froze in a mess. He shivered unconsciously again and Lily wasn't sure if she was even really there since she felt nothing close to cold. She was warm and wanted to take her cloak off at that very moment. But as she struggled with the clasp that held her cloak around her shoulders, she was thrown into a different scenario.

The same question echoed in her ears as though they were bouncing off the cold, stones of the distant dungeons of Hogwarts.

"Why do you hate me, Lily?"

Lily looked around, semi-frightened and still considerably hot. She was in a dark hallway that led to a large, oak door, but Lily could not remember this hallway for the life of her. She ran as fast as she could towards the door but the harder she tried to run faster, the slower she went. The door now seemed millions of miles away and that she would never reach it no matter how desperate she was to throw it open. Then, in a split second, she was there as though no time had lapsed at all. She pushed the oak door open and gasped as the cold, bitter air bit her cheeks and fragile fingers. Though it was cold, it was welcoming after the suffocating, stuffy hot air. She reached for the railway that enclosed the balcony and looked over to see a black mass of shadows. In the distance, she could see the outline of the Forbidden Forest looking even more haunting and unwelcome.

"Where am I?” Lily strained to scream, it came out as a long, hollow wail.

The wind whipped her hair into her face and the trees of the forest bent with the weight of a thousand worlds. The trees moaned and creaked as some unforeseen shadow bent them at its will and Lily could feel as though the shadows beneath the balcony were moving slowly up toward her. She looked to the Forbidden Forest as a blur came rushing towards her. She couldn't tell whom or what it was until it was nearly at the base of balcony, clutching his stomach and gasping for air.

"Lily, come on Lily! I need to get you to safety. Please, just come with me. Trust me," James pleaded with her. His eyes stared up at her with such despair and terrible sadness that Lily almost collapsed and had to grasp the railway for support. She wanted to go to him; to feel his arms wrap around her and encompass her with a passionate warmth that she had never felt before.

Lily tried to pull herself over the railway to somehow get closer to that warmth that radiated around him through the bitter cold, but she couldn’t do it. No matter how hard she tried to push herself up, it seemed that gravity wanted to hold her down. Lily looked down in horror to see that her feet were sinking into the seemingly solid concrete of the balcony. No wonder she couldn’t move; she was becoming plastered.

James cried to her to reach him, but never made the attempt to reach her instead.

Lily looked to James in a paralysing fear and screamed his name, “James! James!”


Lily sat up gasping for air. Sweat trickled down her face and her hair clung to her face. She looked around the dormitory, taking in the familiarities and trying to calm her racing nerves.

“Stop screaming and go to sleep,” one of her roommates mumbled sleepily into her pillow without even bothering to look up to see who had screamed.

So she had screamed out for James with her real voice and it was her voice, not some awful, inconceivable wail. She sighed heavily and pulled herself from her sweat-soaked sheets. Instantly, she was met with a blast of cold air coming from an open window and greeted it welcomingly. She felt cool now that the sweat was evaporating from her neck and face. She closed her eyes, wishing that she would never have to experience that suffocating warmth again. Her feet padded across the cold, stone floor and she pulled open the dormitory door with a creak. Lily turned back to check that her roommates were still asleep, shut the door behind her, and made her way to the common room.

The fires that roared within the common room still crackled loudly in the early hours of the morning. Apparently, the House-Elves had recently come and gone. Lily collapsed into the nearest armchair and yawned. She never noticed how draining her dreams could be. She wondered why it was James Potter of all people that haunted her dreams. Was it was a sign that maybe he wasn’t so bad? After all, he had tried to save her from those lurking shadows and his eyes--they were so desperate for something…but Lily couldn’t figure out what it was. It was those eyes that plagued her dreams and confused her for they lacked the fire that always burned whenever James was around her in real life. His eyes were so empty and pleading, hoping only for a moment’s glance into hers; a chance that she often tried to deprive of him. She hated when their eyes met because it was always awkward. Was this how James felt at the same exact moment?

Lily was confused. James was an arrogant, self-centred twit and he enjoyed making her angry. But in her dreams, he was desperate, pleading; not at all like the cool-composed James that followed her every waking moment. Maybe there was a side of James that she had never given him the chance to show.

Lily shook her head at her own thoughts. After six years of pranks, rude comments, and the silent treatment, Lily thought she knew all there was to know about James. Maybe she was wrong. But after six years, she couldn’t just give up the routine of constantly pulling him from the pedestal that everyone else hoisted him up on. Today’s performance after dinner showed her that he still wasn’t ready for the responsibility given as Head Boy. She was sure that Dumbledore overestimated James’ abilities. Sure, he was a role model; boys looked up to him, girls fawned over him but was James mature enough to handle responsibility? He had jobs to do. He couldn’t just stand there and look good. No, he still hadn’t changed. He was as immature as the day he set foot in Hogwarts.

“Lily?” a confused voice called to her from the stairway that led up to the dormitories.

She turned around to see the bedraggled hair and tired, ashen face of Remus. “What are you doing up this early?” Lily asked him as she turned back around to watch the fire burn.

Remus took a seat on the armchair across from her and looked into her own tired eyes before answering. “Bad dream,” he muttered as he tried to hide a yawn.

“Me too,” Lily replied.

“Tell me about it?”

Lily smiled wearily at him, “You’re probably the only person in this entire school who could sit in the common room at three a.m. with me and ask about my dreams.”

“James would die to be sitting with you at three a.m.,” Remus said nonchalantly.

Lily gaped at him in disbelief and spluttered out incoherent words.

“It’s true, you know.”

“I know,” said Lily, giving up. “He confuses me.”

Remus laughed gently. “Yes, that is James, a terribly confusing young man. But you’ve got to know him to understand his intentions.”

“But,” Lily sighed in frustration, “that’s it. What are his intentions? He’s Potter. But who is James Potter really? Is he the egotistical git who likes to infuriate me? Or someone I haven’t even given a second glance?”

Remus looked at her curiously. “Is that what you were thinking about?”

Lily nodded. “I’m so confused, Remus.”

“Give it time, Lily. Maybe you should give James a chance, granted that he doesn’t make a prat out of himself. And if he does, just give him a good kick in the shins; it’ll knock some sense into him.”

“Or maybe a nice book to the head…” murmured Lily.

“I find that Potions books are heavy enough to cause slight damage,” said Remus, laughing lightly.

“Remus? Why does Potter like me?” asked Lily suddenly. “I never really understood it. What does he see in me?”

Remus shrugged. “I’m not James. He’s never told me. He talks about you non-stop, but it’s nothing about what could hint to us why he likes about you.”

“I hope I’m not some kind of conquest for him,” she said bitterly.

“James wouldn’t do that. He cares too much about you to make you out to be a conquest. I believe his intentions are pure. He really does like you, Lily.”

“That’s what confuses me! He asks me out and then acts like a git. He simply infuriates me to no end. I can’t stand being near his big ego!”

“Is that what you hate about him? His ego is large?”

“Large? For Merlin’s sake, Remus! His ego is humongous. I’m surprised he can fit his head through the door to your dormitory!”

“James’ ego isn’t that large. And he doesn’t mean to gloat; it’s just something he does unconsciously. He doesn’t mean to irritate you. He was brought up in a wealthy family. He knows what he wants.” Lily glowered and Remus knew he wasn’t going to get any farther at trying to get James on Lily’s good side. So he attempted another approach.

“You’re going to be working together a lot this year with all your responsibilities as Head Boy and Girl. You’ve both got to stop being immature. I’m not usually one to make arguments for my friends, but James has tried and you’ve got to let go of your past. James isn’t that insolent, haughty boy that you once knew. He’s grown up and so should you,” Remus finished and then looked at Lily expectantly.

“Well, what do you expect me to say? Okay, sure, I’ll give him a chance and maybe we’ll become the best of friends?! It isn’t that easy, Remus. Changes are gradual and after six years of arguing and throwing objects, it’s hard to picture a scenario of James and me together peacefully.”

“I know that, Lily,” said Remus, becoming agitated. “But at least give him a chance to prove that he isn’t as arrogant as he used to be. It won’t do this school any good if the Head Boy and Girl don’t get along.”

Lily sighed in contempt but did not say a word. She watched the embers as they burned out into lifeless ash.

Remus’ countenance lightened as he watched the beautiful young woman in front of him fight against reason. “Tell me about your dream now.”

Lily looked up. Her brilliant emerald eyes looked troubled as she frowned slightly. Her brow furrowed as she struggled to remember the contents of her latest dream, but like the one before, the vivid images were fleeing her mind.

“I don’t remember,” she said softly. “Do you forget yours often?”

“Sometimes, but usually they’re the ones that mean the most to me…perhaps you should head back to bed,” said Remus softly as Lily leaned her head against the armchair and yawned.

“Perhaps…but I highly doubt that I will fall asleep again. Now that I’m awake, I’m afraid to close my eyes.”

“If you don’t remember what the dream was about, do you remember who was in it?”

Lily laughed quietly, “You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.”

Remus raised his eyebrows in curiosity. “James?”

“Hmm…yes, Remus, it’s James. I don’t just dream of him…he haunts my dreams. He haunts my waking moments. I can’t live without seeing him.”

“Is that a good thing or bad thing?”

Lily sighed in frustration and threw a pillow at Remus’ head.

He threw his hands up in surrender. “Forget I said anything! But, Lily, we’re making progress. You said James not Potter,” said Remus with a grin.

Lily groaned in response and buried her head into her palms.

They sat there in a comfortable silence, just enjoying the unspoken company of one another. It was how they spent a lot of late nights when both were awakened by a bad dream or just couldn’t sleep.

“I’m going to try and get some more sleep,” Lily finally whispered. “Goodnight, Remus. Thank you for talking with me.” She got up and yawned.

Remus smiled at her. “I’m always willing to talk to you, no matter the time of day.”

“I know. That’s what makes you an amazing friend.”

“Goodnight, Lily. I hope you have a dreamless sleep.”

“You too,” she said sincerely as she made her way up the dormitory stairs.

Remus stared at that fleeting figure that silently made its way up the stairs. He sighed heavily and closed his eyes as if he were trying to restrain the conversation from fleeing him like Lily’s dreams has.


The stars dissolved into the cold, gunmetal-coloured sky. At dawn, the sun broke through the boundary of horizon, cutting a burning fracture in the sky. The early risers wiped the cobwebs of sleep from their eyes and stumbled to get themselves ready while those who’d rather sleep in mumbled their ‘five more minutes, Mum’ to the bustle of an awakening castle.

Lily opened her eyes as the sunlight streamed in. Her other roommates were stirring slightly but showed no sign of getting up anytime soon. Lily crawled out of bed and shuffled her way towards the nearest bathroom. Twenty minutes later, she emerged feeling refreshed. Lily performed a simple drying spell on her hair and entered her dorm to get ready for the first day of classes. Not surprisingly, her roommates were still resting in bed, trying, in a vain attempt, to keep the sunlight from disturbing them.

After dressing quickly, she looked into the mirror and criticized her appearance. She stood with her books in a small bag around her shoulder with her grey, pleated uniform skirt smooth and fitting comfortably and her tie around the collar of her white button-down blouse. Her Gryffindor-emblazoned cloak hung over her shoulders, clasped in the front with her Head Girl badge pinned over her breast. Overall, her appearance was neat and pleasing; the ideal image of a Head Girl. She smiled to herself and walked down the stairway that led to the common room, ready to face a new day of classes in her last year at Hogwarts.


The Great Hall was situated to the side of the Entrance Hall and it always seemed so different from the night of the arrival of the students. There wasn’t the hustle and bustle of students trying to find seats at their House table. Most of the first years hadn’t gotten over the shock of this amazing school until the first day of classes and still, even then, they were greatly surprised at the classes and everything that they had to learn. Lily remembered how overwhelmed she felt when she had first arrived. She had thought that as a Muggle-born, she would know the least of everyone. She had been frightened that she would get lost and be late for a class or answer a question wrong and be punished. After the first several weeks, her fears subsided and she realized how comfortable the environment was. Hogwarts was home away from home and for some, this was and is the only true home they had ever known.

The Hall was not even close to being full nor was it completely empty. There were some early risers eating toast or eggs and conversing with their Housemates about the upcoming course schedules or the new Quidditch season. Some of the Gryffindor first-years looked around, terrified at the vast hall before them.

Lily walked up to them and smiled warmly. “Hello, I’m Lily Evans. I’m the Head Girl of Hogwarts. I’m Gryffindor as well. How are you doing?”

The small first years gaped up at her and toast hung from one of their mouths. There was an awkward silence before a young girl spoke up.

“I’m terrified. What if I get lost? Will the professors get mad?” she asked tearfully.

“Well, you might want to try and get to your class on time. I heard that Professor McGonagall doesn’t take to late-arrivals very well. But not to worry, as your Head Girl, I’ll be sure to point you in the right direction. And whatever you do,” Lily told them, staring precariously over at the nearby Slytherin table, “do not trust anything that the Slytherins tell you. They’re a bad lot. They’ll be more than grateful to lead you in the wrong direction.”

The girl nodded and looked fearfully at the Slytherin table just as some of the students sneered viciously at her. She yelped and hid her face behind her hands.

Lily patted the girl on her shoulder before making her way towards the older students belonging to the Gryffindor House. Some random “Hello, Lily’s” and “Congratulations on making Head Girl!” followed her as she sat down at an empty plate. She pulled a piece of toast from the pile that was set before her and nibbled on a corner as the doors of the Great Hall opened to allow some more students in. Lily instantly picked up her Transfiguration book and began reading as if to hide from non-existent glances.

The Marauders walked in and girls squealed from their seats as they rushed to whisper to their nearby friends.

James looked around at the girls and smiled before running his fingers through his hair, like always, giving his hair the look as if he had just gotten off a broomstick.

Lily always hated when he did that, it made him even more egotistical than ever, just because he was some ‘Quidditch God.’

Lily scoffed whenever he did this and it made James somewhat upset. She did not think of him as some Quidditch God.

Some rather attractive sixth-year Gryffindors called the Marauders over to sit with them for the first breakfast of the year and Sirius more than dragged them all over.

James shot a furtive glance at Lily, but she seemed too absorbed in a Transfiguration book to probably even notice that they had arrived.

“Miss Evans,” Professor McGonagall walked briskly up to her and glanced approvingly at her. “A fine choice for Head Girl, I must say.”

Lily smiled graciously and thanked the Professor.

“Mr. Potter, if you would,” she called over the James, who hurriedly got up and made his way towards the Professor and Lily. “Professor Dumbledore requests a meeting with you at 8 o’clock tonight. Do not be late.”

“Will do Professor McGonagall,” said James with a charming smile.

“Oh and here are your timetables,” she said, handing them to Lily and James before she moved on to giving them to the rest of the table.

“Good morning, Evans!” said James after McGonagall had left them.

“Potter.” Lily nodded in response and then made her way back towards her seat.

James fell into place beside Remus and instantly tuned out the conversation around him. At least he got some response from her. James watched every move that Lily made. He was intent on memorizing her movement and hoped that he could remember it to perfection so that even when she was nowhere near him, he could clearly see her face and the way her arms moved to brush her hair from her eyes. He could hear his heart beating loudly in his chest, drumming against his ribcage so hard that he thought it might break. The drumming rhythm of his heart was deafening but the voices and the clattering of kitchenware was dim and almost inaudible.

Lily looked up from her Transfiguration book as she felt somewhere staring at her and James blushed crimson before looking down at his plate.

“Oy-Prongs, you alright there, mate?” Sirius questioned with half a sausage in his mouth.

James nodded and licked his lips. His mouth was dry and he found that even if he had any words to speak, he would never be able to produce a sound. He coughed dryly and took a sip of his orange juice. It was as if Lily was there at that moment asking him a question that he knew the answer to; Lily just did that to him. She instantly made him forget what he was going to say and he found it hard to concentrate when she was around. It was as if his senses had completely tuned out everything because they were so desperate to reach her and smell her, touch her, see her, that he barely had the sense to do or think of anything else. Lily Evans made James absolutely mad with desire.

“Desire is death,” Remus whispered into James’ ear as if he could read his thoughts.

“Did you come up with that yourself?” James asked Remus curiously.

“Of course I did! No, not really. It comes from a sonnet.”

“What the bloody hell is a saw…net?”

Remus rolled his eyes. “A sonnet is a fourteen line poem that has a defined rhyme scheme and is written in iambic pentameter with the thirteenth and fourteenth line being a couplet.”

James’s eyes went wide. “Written in what? What’s a couplet?”

Remus sighed in frustration. “Never mind. You wouldn’t understand poetry.”

“Why is it so confusing?” enquired James.

“Of course you wouldn’t understand poetry considering you’ve probably never read a poem in your life!” Remus exclaimed, glad to get James’ attention off of Lily for a few moments anyway.

“Oh, so what is this sonnet about anyway?” asked James, biting the end off a piece of bacon.

“Basically that the experience of love is extremely difficult if it goes against reason and can drive a person mad,” replied Remus.

“Oh.”

“It is quite a good sonnet though. Perhaps I should lend you one of my literature books and have you read some of this man’s sonnets; they’re mainly about love.”

“Maybe I could send one to Lily, yeah? Would she be impressed?” James asked excitedly. “Who is this poet anyway, what’s his name?”

“She might be. She would probably be surprised that you even knew who he was. His name is William Shakespeare and he’s a 16th century English poet and playwright. He’s long since dead, but his poetry and plays are famous worldwide.”

“Wow,” James said, impressed. “He must have been really good.”

“Oh yes, one of the best. Now come on, if we don’t stop dawdling, we’ll be late for Potions!” said Remus as he ushered the Marauders out of the Great Hall, pulling Sirius away from his conversation with the sixth-year girls.

Many of the other students were now beginning to file out of the Great Hall and made their way towards their first class.

Lily pointed the frightened young first-years in the direction of their first class, History of Magic, and headed down to the dungeons behind the other seventh-year Gryffindors.



“Who could enjoy Potions first thing in the morning?” muttered Peter as they emerged from the dark and dingy dungeons over an hour later. “I’m terrible at Potions and he’s already assigned a two foot essay!”

“Why do we always have to have Potions with those bloody Slytherins?” James protested loudly. “As if we want to spend more time with them other than mealtimes.”

“Once is enough,” agreed Sirius as he tugged on his bag to ensure its safety on his shoulders.

The other seventh-year Gryffindors followed behind them as they headed towards Herbology with the Ravenclaws.


The rest of the day passed by quickly, to the relief of all the students, as they sat down in the Great Hall for dinner before heading back to the common room for homework. The fifth through seventh-year students were already piled high with homework in preparation for O.W.Ls and N.E.W.T.s. The seventh-years had essays for all of the classes they had today and they groaned wearily as they exited the Great Hall from dinner. The common room was crowded with students some doing homework, others not.

“Procrastinators,” muttered Lily.

The more notable procrastinators were none other than the Marauders, with the exception of Remus who always did his homework as soon as it was given it.

“I don’t understand why you don’t do your homework now, Peter,” Remus scolded, “Especially if you’re worried that you might fall behind.”

Peter squeaked as he always did, which reminded Lily of a rat, and nodded fervently as he grabbed his Potions book and pulled out a scroll of parchment. He peered over at Remus’ foot-and-half paged essay with greedy eyes and hurriedly began to scribble out his own essay.

James and Sirius took Remus and Peter’s lead and began their essays to give them more time to romp around on the weekend.

Lily looked up at the clock after working on her essays for quite some time. It was almost 8 o’clock! Her eyes searched the common room for James, who was sitting on the large couch with Sirius in front of the fire. She got up quickly and leaned over the sofa back, looking down at James—he was fast asleep. She looked over at Sirius, who was engrossed in his Herbology essay and did not notice her there. She leaned over further so that she could wake up James and poked him in the chest. “Potter, wake up!”

James shifted but did not wake.

Sirius now looked up from his essay and glanced at Lily curiously.

“Potter…” Lily sighed in frustration. “Potter, there’s some Ravenclaw girl outside the common room waiting for you…topless,” she said quickly.

Sirius snorted into a pillow and tried to stifle his laughter.

James bolted awake so fast that Lily barely had time to register that he had even opened his eyes and his head painfully collided with hers.

Lily toppled backwards and quickly grasped her head, groaning in pain.

James muttered some obscenities while Sirius laughed hysterically, the pillow that he had used to stifle his laughter before, now clutched to his stomach.

Remus rushed over to Lily and helped her to her feet, though he was laughing as well. “You alright, Lily?”

“I’m fine, just fine. Merlin, Potter,” she said eyeing him with distaste, and still rubbing her head gently. “Can your head get any harder?”

Sirius broke out into hysterics once more and James hit him with a pillow.

“There isn’t really a topless Ravenclaw out there, is there?” he asked.

Lily rolled her eyes. “No, Potter, but I had to think of something to wake you up. We need to be at our meeting with Professor Dumbledore in…THREE MINUTES?! Bloody hell!” she cried in panic and she bolted towards the portrait hole.

James slowly rose to his feet, stumbled a bit before the full effects of sleep wore away, and followed her.

“Chocolate frogs,” Lily gasped as she halted in front of the gargoyle that led to Professor Dumbledore’s office. With James right behind her, Lily ascended the stairway and tentatively knocked on his door. They heard a “come in,” and walked into the office.

Professor Dumbledore’s office was magnificent. Lily loved to come here just to look at all the odds and ends he collected. There were portraits of old Headmasters lining the wall, as well as bookshelves full of books and other oddments.

Their Headmaster was currently standing by a perch to the right of his desk, stroking the breast of a beautiful phoenix that he had dubbed, Fawkes. “Ms. Evans and Mr. Potter, it is wonderful to see you. Please, sit down,” he said as he moved away from Fawkes and sat down at his desk. Lily and James took seats before him and waited in silence. “Lemon drop?” he asked them.

They both took one graciously and thanked their Headmaster before sticking the sour candy into their mouths.

Professor Dumbledore unstuck one and popped it into his mouth as well. “Now, back to the business that I called you here for. As Head Boy and Girl, I assume that you know that your responsibilities are much more demanding than that of Prefects. Of course, you, Ms. Evans know all about being a Prefect. Mr. Potter, I’m sure you’ll learn quickly from Ms. Evans. Now, Mr. Potter,” said Dumbledore, eyeing James, “I assume that you’ll put as much responsibility into your Head duties as you do with your pranks.”

“Absolutely, sir!” James exclaimed.

Dumbledore smiled at him. “Very good. Some items of business; I ask of you to be able to plan Hogsmeade weekends and any Prefect meetings.”

“Yes, sir,” James and Lily replied simultaneously.

“Any school functions you might also desire, please inform me and I will try to ensure that it happens, but I cannot promise anything.”

Lily nodded.

“I also want to make sure that you do treat everyone fairly, especially the Slytherins.” He said this more or less directly towards James. “But I’m sure that you will both be responsible and not abuse your position. Take points when needed, give detentions when deemed necessary. I wish you both a wonderful year. You may go.”

“Good-bye Professor,” James said, as he got up.

Lily lingered behind.

“Professor, I don’t mean to judge your decision, but why did you pick him as Head Boy?” she questioned.

Professor Dumbledore smiled at her. “I know that you and Mr. Potter don’t particularly get along—"

Lily snorted.

“But you both have the qualities I’m looking for in Head Boy and Girl. James has the courage and leadership qualities that make him perfect for Head Boy. People look up to him, they admire him, and he tries his hardest to please everyone. He also has patience. Have you ever seen him tutor Mr. Pettigrew? Some people would have given up on him, but not James. And you--you have the calm, soothing nature that I greatly admire—"

Lily blushed.

“You are friendly and you do not judge quickly. You both are determined…and stubborn. You make a perfect team, even if you do not see it yet. I hope by the end of the year, though, that you will indeed see just how well you both work together. If that is all, Ms. Evans…”

“Yes, thank you, sir. Good night.” Lily left quickly and made her way back towards the Gryffindor common room. She sat back down where she had been working on her essay before the meeting.

By half past ten, the common room was almost deserted and the only remaining students, the Marauders, were almost finished with their last essay.

Lily sat at a table on the far side of the common room where she could concentrate on her homework peacefully. She closed her book wearily and rolled up her last scroll of parchment. She replaced the cover on her inkbottle and stuffed her essays, books, ink, and quill into her bag. She looked around and glanced around the room, eyeing the group of fifth years suspiciously. She quickly got up and stood behind who looked like the lead boy. “What are you boys up to?” Lily asked.

“N-n-nothing,” a boy to her left stuttered, smiling crookedly. “Just talking about classes, that’s all.”

“If you were ‘just talking about classes,’” Lily started, “you would not be talking in secret, whispers in a dark corner.”

The boys looked at Lily disdainfully and broke up their group, all of them heading up towards their dormitory.

“Good job, Lily, keeping those boys in line,” said Sirius.

“Someone has to,” she said, shooting an angry glare at James and frowning. “You have responsibilities too, Potter. You can’t just loaf around and act as though you can’t see anyone doing anything out of bounds.”

“I didn’t see them doing anything wrong!” James defended.

“Because you’re just like them, Potter!” Lily replied exasperated. “You’re those guys sitting in a dark corner whispering with your friends, planning another plot against the Slytherins. You’re the students who stay up late and go sneaking around the school in your invisibility cloak and come in at indecent hours. You turn a blind-eye towards these students because you yourself would have hated to have been told off.

“But you’ve got to start learning that as Head-Boy it isn’t all fun and games. You can’t just get away with everything you’ve been getting away with for the past six years. You’ve got to be the discipliner instead of the disciplined and it’s hard, I know, but it’s your responsibility. You accepted the position as Head-Boy and you’ve got to restrain yourself from stepping out of bounds.”

“Yes, well you need to loosen up, Evans!"

"Loosen up? At least I follow the rules!" Lily felt her blood boiling. He just knew how to get right underneath her skin.

"Maybe people would listen to you better, would like you better if you weren't so stuck up," James shot back.

"Prongs, that went too far," Remus said suddenly, looking between the two angry Head students. James growled angrily and slammed his quill down on the table.

"Damn it, Moony. Stay out of it."

"Remus didn't do anything wrong!" argued Lily. "Don't yell at him. He's just..."

"Trying to defend you? Thought you didn't need anyone to defend you, Evans? Thought you could handle situations perfectly well. Or was it that you didn't want me to defend you? I just don't get you..."

"You wouldn't," snarled Lily angrily before stalking off towards the girls' dormitory without a second glance.

"Prongs..." warned Remus.

"Don't start on me, Moony," said James, suddenly very tired.

“Well, you’ve sure got your work cut out for you, Prongs,” Sirius said as he propped his elbows on the table and rested his head wearily in his cupped hands. “I can’t believe she didn’t end up chucking an inkbottle at your head or something—would’ve been a great way to start off the year,” he smiled to himself at the thought of James covered in ink. “Anyway, I’m exhausted. I can’t believe we did all our homework and it’s not even Sunday yet!”

“How come we haven’t done our start of year prank?” asked Peter suddenly, looking up as he wrote the last sentence of his essay.

“Tomorrow, Wormtail…tomorrow. We’ve got everything done, right?” Sirius questioned.

James and Remus nodded.

“Are you sure you want to do this?" questioned Sirius. "I mean, you're Head Boy now, Prongs..."

"So?" snapped James.

Sirius laughed and mimicked Lily. "You've got to show some responsibility."

"Evans should just sod off," replied James. "We're doing the prank tomorrow and that's that. Now let's get to bed."

Sirius nodded happily. If there was anything he liked more than food, it was sleep. He helped his friends clean up the table of ink and parchment. Then they headed towards their own dormitory and collapsed tiredly onto their four-poster beds before drifting off to sleep.

But across the Gryffindor tower, in the girls’ dormitory, someone was having quite a difficult time trying to fall asleep because either she was too angry or she was afraid of dreaming of a certain black-haired boy...

Chapter Three: The Tragic Ending to a Comedy

The world is a comedy to those who think, a tragedy to those who feel.-Charlee Jacob

Lily stared at her crimson canopy in silence. She could hear the slow, heavy breathing of her sleeping roommates. The silence was shattered by the occasional snort or groan. She had awakened, yet again, in the middle of the night to find herself trying to recall her latest dream and failing miserably. It was as if her dreams taunted her and then recoiled from sight and memory so that she could only remember the emotions she had felt: fear, love, anger, and despair. But why was she feeling those things? Surely, she could not feel love when she dreamt of James…the insufferable git who haunted every minute of her life. Of course not, she reassured herself. Still, she could not help but feel that there was something about James Potter that she just wasn’t seeing; the side of James that Remus saw. Would she ever see this side of James or would she not give him a chance to prove that he really did care?

Lily spent the rest of the morning before breakfast reading her N.E.W.T level Transfiguration book. They would have their first Transfiguration lesson of the year that morning and, as always, Lily wanted to make sure she was somewhat ahead.

Breakfast was somewhat of a dull event. There was the morning mail (with nothing for Lily of course), food, and Peter tripping over his shoelaces, falling face-first into the nearest bench.

Peter was naturally a bit subdued on the way to Transfiguration in fear that he might humiliate himself even more.

“We’re even humiliated to be seen with you,” joked Sirius, nudging Peter playfully.

Peter did not see the humour in the situation and glared coldly at him before glancing back down at the floor.

Lily felt bad for Peter and knew that Sirius, although joking, had hurt Peter’s feelings.

Transfiguration began with Professor McGonagall making a speech about how difficult the N.E.W.Ts were and that this was the year students had to prove themselves. This speech had been given from all their other professors, but Professor McGonagall was able to hold their entire classroom’s attention. After the speech on N.E.W.Ts, Professor McGonagall moved on to lecture about the topics they would cover over the course of the year.

Lily took detailed notes on the subjects that Professor McGonagall described.

“Now, for the remainder of the period, open your books to page 5—” Professor McGonagall began describing human transfiguration.

Students rustled through their bags to pull out parchment and quills and took rapid notes. Even the Marauders, Lily noticed, were listening with rapt attention to the Professor.

The morning passed rather uneventfully as did the afternoon. Soon it was dinnertime and the Marauders were getting quite antsy. They had been planning this prank since the summer and couldn’t wait to see the Slytherins reactions.

Lily sat with the other girls in her dorm at dinner, deeply engrossed in a conversation about Charms class.

“Lily, would you mind showing me the wand movements again after dinner? I keep on forgetting and you’re the best Charms student in our year,” blushed one of her roommates.

Lily smiled gratefully. “Sure.” She was always willing to help another student. Did that add to defining her as perfect? She frowned slightly and looked down at the food on her plate as the conversation next to her became just an annoying buzz in her ear.

A bang resounded and the next thing Lily knew, chaos ensued in the Great Hall. There were giant chocolate frogs leaping throughout the Hall, the Slytherins were dressed in pink dresses, and chocolate cake was being randomly thrown at peoples’ faces by some invisible force of magic.

Lily groaned and knew that there were no other groups who could have pulled a stunt like this.

Sure enough, a very livid Professor McGonagall came stomping down the Gryffindor table, pulling students off the benches from where they stood, as they tried to hide from the giant frogs. Her face was covered in a rich chocolate cake and her lips were barely seen as they pursed into a very straight line.

“Black, Potter, Lupin, Pettigrew,” she said sharply.

Remus tried his best to look innocent, but James was holding onto Sirius in mirth, barely able to breathe since he was laughing so hard.

“Did you see Snivellus’ face?” James exclaimed.

Professor McGonagall did not look too happy at being interrupted.

“Twenty points from Gryffindor and a detention tomorrow night, my office, eight o’clock.”

Sirius looked at Professor McGonagall in amazement and nudged James in the ribs. “Prongs, hear that? Detention--tomorrow night. Do you know what this means?” he shook James excitedly. Remus and Peter looked at the two boys in confusion. Professor McGonagall merely raised an eyebrow at the exchange.

James’ laughter slowly downed and as his breath evened out, his eyes went wide, and his mouth formed a perfect ‘o’. Sirius nodded his head enthusiastically.

“What in Merlin’s name are you two on about?” asked Professor McGonagall as she tried to look stern but failed; the chocolate cake just didn’t help.

“After detention tomorrow night, you’re looking at the new record holders of the most detentions held by one person or more at Hogwarts,” said Sirius proudly.

James laughed gleefully and Remus smirked.

Peter looked as if he were in a daze. Finally, he would be recognized for something! Although holding the most detentions isn’t exactly someone wants to be remembered for, the pranks they’d pulled resulting in the detentions were perfect for remembrance.

McGonagall looked at them slightly torn between amusement and berating them. She decided on neither as she shuffled towards the Slytherin table in order to help calm the chaos. She quickly cleaned her face and helped the Slytherin Head of House escort the Slytherins back to their common rooms to change back into their Hogwarts robes.

Lily left dinner early and headed to the common room. Everyone was at dinner, so she was left with silence to help relieve her anger. Sure the prank was funny, but honestly, when would they grow up? And James was Head Boy! Some responsibility he was showing to the younger students even after he promised that he would really try this year!

The portrait hole opened and let in a few students. They took one look at Lily and bolted to a corner to hide. They had seen Lily angry and knew to stay out of her way. The common room slowly filled up as more and more students returned from dinner.

The Marauders were amongst the last to enter and James knew he was in trouble once he saw Lily’s flashing emerald eyes.

“Like the show, Evans?” he asked, smirking.

Lily growled in frustration. She had little patience for James and his stupid pranks. She grabbed him by the front of his robes, ignoring the look of shock on his face and pulled him outside the portrait hole. “You are an insufferable git,” spat Lily, poking James’ chest for emphasis.

“What’s wrong with a little prank? The Slytherins looked hilarious in chocolate cake and pink dresses,” he argued, laughing at the image. Then he sobered slightly before glaring at her. “You’re no fun at all, Evans. No wonder you’re a prude.” Instantly, James knew that he had definitely said the wrong thing.

Lily didn’t say a word, but she didn’t have to. Her eyes showed that she was extremely angry. “How dare you…even…think of saying that to me!” she finally spluttered out.

“What’s wrong, Evans?” taunted James. “Afraid to admit it, eh? Evans is a bloody prude! And of course she is. She has to maintain that ‘Perfect Head Girl image.’”

“I am not a prude,” snarled Lily. “And I refuse to be…” she faltered and did not understand why. She looked up at James and saw that he did not look angry like she did, but annoyed. She always had to have the last word--always had to insult him for his lack of maturity and it seemed to bother him. “My personal life is none of your business, Potter.”

“What personal life?” snapped James. “You have no life outside school and homework. I don’t see you with friends. Do you even have friends?”

“Remus is my friend.” Suddenly, Lily felt very strong. These accusations of James’ were cruel and heartless and hit far too close to home. “…and Sirius,” she added as an afterthought. It was true. Lily had known that the Marauders became Animagi for Remus—Remus told her himself, knowing that she was too clever for her own good and would have noticed the three of the other Marauders disappeared every full moon as well. She would have become suspicious and asked how they stayed with him—might as well quell her curiosity, he had said. The other Marauders were very upset with Remus for spilling such a dangerous secret and the row that followed lasted quite a few weeks.

After that incident, the Marauders took to almost stalking Lily to ensure that their secret was in fact, a secret. James loved the idea of following around the girl he had been chasing for years, and it was during that time that he discovered a lot more about Lily that made him absolutely adore her. “You happen to be friends with my friends.”

It took little more than a week for Lily to finally get frustrated with having the Marauders tag along everywhere she went before she exploded. Having them follow her into a girls’ lavatory to ensure that she did not tell any of the girls in the school was quite far enough. Since then, she became good friends with Sirius. His joking nature made it easy to cheer up the saddest person and sometimes Lily just needed some cheering up. Of course, she wasn’t as close to Sirius as she was with Remus. Her relationship with Peter was…odd, to say the least. They were on friendly terms and she only spoke to him when he needed help with a question or two about schoolwork and that was it. And everyone knew about her strained relationship with James.

“They’re my friends, as well. You never claimed them!”

James growled in frustration. He just didn’t understand this girl. He was head-over-heels for her, but she was just so damn frustrating! The next thing James said surprised him just as much as it surprised Lily.

“I don’t know why I bother anymore, Evans. You’re not worth it. You aren’t worth wasting time for.” He didn’t know why he had just said it, but that he could not stop himself from voicing his frustrations.

Lily frowned. That was very un-Potter like. “You have been wasting your time, Potter, six years worth of your time. It’s highly unbelievable that you’re giving up now. Of course, I don’t care if you give up on me—it would be a relief. It’s just odd.”

He just can’t do that.

Of course he can. It’s not as if I gave him the time of day.

You don’t want him to give up. You want to give him a chance. You’re just too scared.

Why would I give him a chance after six years of not giving him a chance?

People change.

Lily really thought she was going mental. She was now having arguments with herself!

“Why do you hate me, Evans? Honestly, what is that I did to you? I just don’t understand how you can hate me when you don’t even know me! You know Remus…probably just as well as I do. You know Sirius…to an extent. But you know absolutely nothing about me. And when I first met you, I thought you were the one person who would not judge me because of my looks or my name. You didn’t, which I am thankful for, which makes you different from all the other girls. But it also made you hate me. I just don’t understand…” James was confused more than ever and about to rip all his hair off his head.

Lily quickly grabbed his hands in her own and gently pulled them away from his hair. “Girls wouldn’t like it much if you went bald,” she murmured, releasing his hands just as quickly as she had grabbed them.

“See, there you go again! I don’t understand you!” he cried in irritation. “Are you…jealous or something?”

“No. I…I don’t know. Don’t do this, Potter. Don’t…accuse me of things like that.”

“Why the bloody hell not? You’re ALWAYS accusing me of things.” He was right and he knew it.

She had been unfair to him and all he wanted was a chance, a chance she had denied him since first year. “Potter…”

“Lily!” one of her roommates interrupted their conversation as she walked towards the portrait hole. “Oh, I’m sorry, did I interrupt something?” she questioned.

“No!” Lily said quickly. “Do you still need my help with that wand movement, Anne?” she asked.

The girl nodded, muttered the password, and as the portrait opened, she was followed by both Lily and James. The two girls departed from James swiftly and made their way to a corner of the common room where the other seventh-year girls sat.

“What in Merlin’s name was that about?” Remus asked when James finally sat himself on the couch beside Sirius.

“Nothing,” said James, “nothing at all.”

Remus looked at him curiously but did not push the subject.

The next day of classes was uneventful, unless you count the Potions incident in which Sirius blew up Severus’ caldron and earned another day of detention on Monday. Thankfully they had the afternoon off and it was Friday. Saturday was almost here. The Marauders had a detention with McGonagall at eight o’clock in which they had finally beaten the old school record with 1,024 detentions. The Marauders knew that by the end of the year, they would have beaten the old record by a lot.

While the Marauders were serving their detention, Lily sat at a table in the common room, thinking about James Potter. It was just so irritating how he knew how to get right under her skin as if he knew her weaknesses. She thought about how arrogantly he carried himself, always a swagger in his step.

It isn’t arrogance. It’s confidence.

She thought of the way he ruffled his hair, making it look even more a mess than it normally was. She wondered if he had ever even used a comb before…

You have to admit that his hair is kind of cute…

She thought of how he had singled-out Severus Snape and ruined the Slytherin’s life. No one should hex someone just because they don’t like them.

You hex James just because you don’t like him…

But it doesn’t mean that he can torture him just because he exists. He probably only saved Snape because he knew that if Snape died, he have no one else to pick on, argued another voice in her head.

Snivellus deserves it.

“Shut up,” Lily said to the voices in her head.

The boy sitting at the table across from her looked at her strangely before moving to another table. He kept shooting Lily odd glances to make sure that she was perfectly all right.

She gave him an annoyed look and he stopped. She spent over an hour thinking about what she hated about James and was only countered with a thought about the good part of those traits or how she was judging him unfairly. She was frustrated to say that least. To get her mind off of James, she attempted to write her an essay for Transfiguration that was due on Wednesday.

At 9:10, the Marauders ambled into the common room. They made their way over to their favourite couch by the fire which was currently occupied by a group of 3^rd year girls. When they saw James and Sirius, they rushed toward their dormitories in a fit of giggles.

Remus sat on another sofa by himself while Peter took an armchair closer to the fire. He pulled out a book.

James and Sirius both sat on opposite sides of the couch. The two of them discussing the latest Quidditch news while Peter listened intently.

The same sixth-year girl who followed James around constantly fell between the two of them and instantly started a conversation with him.

James put a pained smile on his face and nodded absently at whatever she was saying.

Sirius looked irritated that the conversation he was having with his best friend was interrupted. Although Sirius liked girls very much--it was right up there with food and sleep--he did not like his conversations interrupted.

Remus looked up from his book and saw Lily watching James and the girl’s interaction. He caught her eye and motioned her over.

Lily sighed, pushed aside the essay that she had started, and walked over to where the Marauders were. She plopped down on the couch beside Remus and looked at him, clearly bored.

He smiled weakly at her, jerked his head towards James and the girl, and pretended to gag.

Without James to talk to, Sirius was bored. “Lily!” he exclaimed happily.

“Evans?” James was not addressing her but questioning her as to why she was there.

“Just thought I’d talk a bit with Remus,” she replied, shrugging slightly.

Sirius frowned.

“…and with Sirius.”

“I was talking with Sirius,” said James.

“Yes, you were, you aren’t now,” pointed our Sirius. “So Lily decided to be the good friend that she is and talk with Remus and me while you chatted with this lovely lady here. I mean, we don’t want to intrude on such an engaging conversation.” Sirius smiled as James shot him a look of irritation.

The girl next James began pouting because he wasn’t paying any attention to her. “Jamie…” she whined.

“Melinda, go bother someone else,” said Sirius offhandedly.

The girl huffed, “My name is Melanie.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Sirius waved his hand in annoyance. “Melanie…Melinda… What’s the difference?”

The girl glared dangerously at Sirius before leaving to join her friends and bursting into tears.

“I thought her name was Melissa,” said James suddenly.

Sirius chuckled and threw an arm around James.

“You really aren’t Prince Charming, you know that, Prongs?”

“Yeah, yeah. I also know that I’m a pig-headed jerk. Isn’t that right, Evans? Since you are obviously very well-educated about my finer traits...”

“I prefer to continue calling you an insufferable git, if you don’t mind. But if you prefer I could call you arrogant or a bullying toe-rag, or…”

“Yes, yes,” said James impatiently. “I’ve heard this all before. Despite what you think, Evans, I can actually remember what you’ve said to me.”

Lily shrugged. “You could have fooled me, you know, with you constantly asking me out and all. I thought I hadn’t gotten the message across to you.”

“Ha ha, you’re a funny one,” said James dryly.

“I try. Anyway, I should finish my homework…” she muttered to herself.

James looked at her in shock. “You really need to loosen up, Evans. Homework on a Friday? It’s unheard of!”

“James is right, Lily, it is Friday night. Have some fun. Relax! Stay and chat,” said Remus. “We haven’t talked much since a few days ago,” he started. “How are classes going?”

“Good—homework is getting more difficult, but that’s expected now that it’s N.E.W.T year. How are you all getting along?”

“I’m struggling still,” said Peter, a bit embarrassed.

“It’s alright, Peter. Remus, maybe we could start that study group again this year. You could join us Peter,” Lily said, smiling encouragingly at him.

James smiled as well. One thing that he absolutely loved about Lily was that she so kind to everyone.

“Could I really?” he squeaked.

“If that’s alright with you, Remus,” said Lily quickly.

“Oh, definitely, Peter. I’m surprised you didn’t join us last year.”

“I would have!” exclaimed Peter. “But I joined another study group…they didn’t help much though. Didn’t have enough patience with me I guess.”

“Don’t worry, Peter. We’ll help you,” said Lily, confident that with enough help and encouragement, Peter would turn out to be quite a hard worker. It wasn’t that he was dumb; it was more that he didn’t put enough effort or thought into what he did. He tried to act just like James and Sirius, who did not put much effort into their schoolwork.

“Thanks, Lily,” mumbled Peter.

Lily smiled and James’ breath got caught in his throat. He loved it when she smiled; it was so beautiful. He then remembered that he was supposed to be getting over her. That smile just made it all the more difficult. He could lie to her and to his friends but he couldn’t lie to himself. His friends would probably see through his lies anyway, that’s why they were his best friends.

“Prongs, you know what would be interesting?” questioned Remus. He just had to see James’ reaction to this…

“What?”

“You should create a list of Lily’s attractive traits.”

James looked as though he was going to bite Remus’ head off and Lily felt a tinge of blush creep up her cheeks.

“No, thank you,” mumbled James.

“Why not? We’re all dying to know why you fancy our darling Lily so much,” joked Sirius.

“Well, I don’t fancy her anymore,” snapped James.

Sirius raised an eyebrow. “I highly doubt that, mate. You can’t get over her in like…a day. It’s impossible. Now do it! Who knows. Maybe if you find all the traits you like about her, she really will seem repulsive.”

“Hey!” Lily exclaimed indignantly.

“Ah, just kidding, love. Who could find you repulsive?”

Peter decided that he hadn’t added much to the conversation, so he decided to throw in his thoughts. “I think that it’s a great idea. C’mon Prongs, what hurt will it do?”

What hurt will it do? thought James darkly. Thinking of all her attractive qualities won’t make me get over her. It will only increase my feelings for her. How do my friends always know when to say the wrong things?

But in the end, James decided that he might as well. He assured himself that it was only to please Remus and Sirius who were almost on their knees, begging him to do it.

Why do they care so much anyway?

“Ah, get it over with, Prongs. We’d love to see what you have to say about lovely Lily,” said Sirius.

“Who said I was letting you read it? I’d never hear the end of it, Padfoot.”

Sirius looked offended. “You break my heart, Prongs. Don’t you want ol’ Padfoot’s opinion?”

“No, not really,” James replied, pulling out a piece of parchment, ink, and a quill. “Things I Like About Lily,” he stated while writing it out on the top of the parchment.

“Lovely title, Prongs, very original,” said Sirius wryly. “How long did it take you think of it?”

Sirius pulled out a bunch of candy boxes from his pockets and dumped them on the table, motioning for them all to take as much candy as they wanted. He took a Licorice Wand and watched in amusement as James bit the tip of his quill in thought before scratching down everything he could think of.

Lily stared at the parchment in amazement—he could just keep on going!

Remus put a restraining hand on James’ shoulder.

“Prongs, mate, you’re going to scare her away…” James frowned and looked to Lily who smirked, amused.

She’s going to know I was lying when I said that she wasn’t worth it. She’s going to know it. Merlin, I never knew unrequited love could hurt so badly.

“Alright, Potter, let’s see it then.”

James looked at the parchment in his hands and then back up at Lily. It was obvious that he was a bit reluctant to hand Lily all the reasons why he had chased after her for years. “Well, I—”

“Why’d you think we asked you to do it, Prongs? So you could write it down and keep it hidden under you bed?” asked Remus.

“Yes, well it feels much better to get it off my chest. I’d rather she didn’t read it. I mean, these are reasons why I fancy her—”

“Ah-ha! So you do still like me then!” Lily cried out in triumph. She knew he couldn’t have possibly given up on her yet, but that did not ease her troubled mind. She rather enjoyed the prospect of not having Potter asking her out every day. Come to think of it, he had yet to ask her out this year.

James ignored her last statement. “—it’s much more difficult to give someone you like a list of all the reasons why you like them!”

Lily looked a bit taken back. James had never cared what anyone thought about him. Now, he’s suddenly worried what she will think about him once she knows why he’s chased after her for so many years?

James finally conceded and handed the list over to Lily, his cheeks tinged with blush.

Lily grinned. “Ah, is James Potter actually blushing?”

James muttered something that resembled “Only you…” and dropped his head into his hands.

Sirius got off the couch and squished himself between Remus and Lily just so he could read the list.

Lily tried to look the list over which proved to be difficult because she had to keep pushing Sirius’ head away.

“I want to read it!” whined Sirius.

“As it’s written about me, I think I have the right to read it first and then decide whether or not you deserve to read it.”

Sirius pretended to wipe away a tear. “You and James are both cruel to me…not wanting poor Padfoot’s opinion. You fit well together, you know? Both hot-tempered and independent…must be a great quality to have when you--”

Lily smacked him upside the head.

“Ow,” he murmured as he rubbed his head.

“Sirius! Stop!”

Sirius had gone back to trying to read the list and Lily had only gotten through the first two things.

She pushed Sirius’ head back again but this time he bit her finger. “Sirius!” screeched Lily.

Sirius grinned sheepishly.

“Great, just great,” muttered Lily. “…probably going to get some kind of Sirius disease.”

“I’m not diseased. I only have fleas!” he pouted.

“Oh, that’s even better.”

“Bad boy,” admonished Lily, examining her bitten finger.

“I’m sorry, Lily. I get excited, sometimes, you know.”

Lily smiled. “Yes, yes, we do know. But it’s alright.”

“I knew you’d have it in your heart to forgive me!” He got up and did a little jig. “Now…let me read that list…”

“Sirius, I haven’t even read the list yet, let me read it for Potter’s sake. The poor bloke’s about to die from embarrassment.”

It was true. James was still sitting with his head resting in his hands but from what could be seen—he was as red as a tomato. Lily and Sirius arguing over the list was torture. He just wanted Lily to read the list, laugh, and tell him how stupid he was. Just to get it over with.

Sirius sat down calmly on the couch once more and watched Lily’s expression change from amusement to shock to embarrassment and different shades in between. It was highly amusing.

Things I Like About Lily

1. Her emerald eyes

2. Her flaming red hair and the way it shines in the firelight

3. She's cute when she's angry

4. The way she treats others with respect and dignity (even slimy Slytherins)

5. The way she walks

6. She's always willing to help someone in need

7. She's intelligent

8. She sees the beauty in everyone

9. She's a wonderful listener

10. She cares about everyone

11. She's confident about herself and her abilities

12. Her voice

13. She's entrancing

14. She's stubborn

15. She's an outstanding friend

16. She's gifted at Charms

17. She has a beautiful smile

18. She loves to make people laugh

19. She doesn't like me just because I'm "James Potter"--actually, she doesn't like me, period

20. She's not like other girls, in a good way, of course

21. She's unique

22. She has a dynamic personality

23. She's secretive--she doesn't wear her heart on her sleeve

24. She's brave and generous

25. She's determined

26. She's highly motivated

27. She's trustworthy

28. She's brutally honest (even Padfoot isn't that honest!)

29. She's unpredictable

Lily opened her mouth to say something but the words could not come out.

Sirius snatched the list from her hand, but this time she did not object. She was staring at James so intently; almost willing him to lift his head so that she could in his eyes if everything he wrote was true.

Of course, it’s true—he wouldn’t have written it if it wasn’t, a nagging voice reminded her.

He said he was over me! He said I wasn’t worth the time. Writing this obviously proved he isn’t over me, not yet. Can’t he make up his bloody mind?

Lily sighed. It was as if there were two of her. One wanted her to see the real James--the James she refused to give a chance to shine. The other thought it was a waste of time and James would always be arrogant, bullying, pig-headed James.

Sirius let out a derisive snort, “No, my mate is definitely not obsessed with you Lily.”

“Well, they were rather flattering remarks,” Lily said slowly.

James looked up suddenly, his glasses were askew and his hair was sticking up everywhere—the result of his indecision and insecurity the last few minutes. “You think so?” he croaked.

“Yes, well besides the fact that you watch me enough to notice all that.”

James shot her an angry look and shrugged. “Remus could probably make up a list just like that and he doesn’t watch you all the time.”

“Prongs, the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem,” Remus said. “And you have a problem, many actually, but the one I’m referring to includes our lovely friend, Ms. Evans, and your overzealous attempts to win her affections. Now these attempts do include stalking her to the point of her having a mental breakdown, remember that?”

James grimaced. Of course, he remembered that.

She was very angry and he had been on the receiving end of her anger, once again.

I never knew there was so much you could say about a person, Lily thought as she glanced at the list that was clutched tightly in Sirius’ hand.

“Now, Lily,” Sirius started. “All you’ve got to do is make a list about all the stuff you love about James!”

“Why do I need to do that?”

“It’s only fair. He isn’t all bad! I’m sure you could find his good qualities. I mean, unless you create a list as to why you hate him. That’d be more useful for Prongs; he’d know what it was about him that irritates you. I’m sure Prongs would love to create a list of all reasons why he hates you. But he doesn’t hate you and you’re perfect—nothing that he could hate anyways,” Sirius said, kissing her sloppily on the cheek.

Lily rolled her eyes but frowned. There was that word again. Perfect. Who could ever think she was perfect when all she was composed of were flaws? How could no one see that inside, she was just as bruised and torn as everyone else was? How could no one just see that she was human; she made mistakes, she cried, and she hurt? There could not possibly be a human being that was perfect. But no one seemed to understand this concept but her.

“Come on, it’ll be fun,” encouraged Sirius.

Lily shrugged.

“You’re absolutely no fun at all, Lily Evans!” exclaimed Sirius.

“Yes, and you’re impossible, Sirius Black.”

“Not impossible to get into bed,” he replied with a wink.

“And the corrupt Sirius Black returns…” said James.

“Aw, c’mon Prongs. Don’t tell me that you’ve never…” Sirius’ eyes grew wide in realization. “YOU HAVEN’T?!”

James looked up in shock, motioning for Sirius to be quiet. He looked around the room to see if anyone had noticed. “You never asked. Anyways, if I had, I would’ve told you, wouldn’t I?” James questioned, though he ruffled his hair nervously.

“James, you’ve never—” Peter started but was cut off as James threw a pillow at his head.

“Moony, did you know about this?” Sirius asked in disbelief.

Remus shrugged. “I had my suspicions…”

The rest of what Remus was saying was lost to James as he tuned out the barrage of embarrassing comments about his sex life. To say that James was utterly embarrassed almost seemed an understatement. He had already buried his head into his arms to avoid the eyes of the other Marauders’.

“Leave him alone,” said Lily suddenly.

Sirius fell off the couch and looked at Lily in amazement. Lily was defending James? What was this world coming to? His mouth was hanging open and he just looked at her in shock. “You just…defended him!”

“And you didn’t let me finish my sentence. I was going to say ‘Leave him alone, it’s not his fault he doesn’t get much action. Blame it on the giant squid.’ But you rudely interrupted me.”

Sirius tried to control his laughter but every time he looked at James’ face, he broke out into hysterics.

“Yes, yes because we all know that the girls love the giant squid more than Prongsie-boy.”

“I’ve always found the giant squid to be quite more…endearing than Potter.”

“Alright, I think we’ve had enough of making fun of Prongs,” said Remus.

“Yes, I quite agree,” snapped James, looking at Lily with even more dislike.

That was definitely uncalled for.

“Easy there, mate, it’s all in good fun,” Sirius said, pulling himself back onto the couch and grabbing the last chocolate frog from the table.

“Yeah, well how about we discuss how Professor McGonagall almost walked in on…”

Sirius had begun choking on a piece of his chocolate frog. “Let’s not,” Sirius said hastily after he coughed up a leg.

Lily admired the relationship that James and Sirius had. They were inseparable and held no secrets from one another. It was something that she had wanted all her life. After Adam’s death, she had given up on trusting people or she thought she had.

It had taken two years for Remus to fully gain her trust but it was worth it in the end. Lily was an amazing friend to have. “Lily? Lils? LILY!” Sirius exclaimed, tugging on her hair gently.

“Let go,” groaned Lily.

“You weren’t paying attention to me! I had to make you pay attention!”

“Since when did my world revolve around you?”

“It always has, love.”

“Oh yes, how could I have forgotten? Silly me.”

James frowned. How could she get along with Remus, Sirius, and Peter, but not him? What made him so different from them?

“What’s the problem tonight, Prongs and Lily?” asked Peter. “You keep spacing out.”

“Nothing,” Lily and James murmured in unison.

Remus shook his head. “You are way too alike and you haven’t even realized it yet.”

“How so?” questioned Lily.

Remus smirked. “Well, for one, you both hide your true thoughts until you’re all alone with poor Moony as your little confidant.”

“Poor Moony? No, no, Moony enjoys listening to us complain and being a good friend,” replied James.

“The Marauders wouldn’t have been able to accomplish half the pranks we pulled without you and your brilliant brain, Moony,” added Sirius, catching Remus in a headlock and dragging him to the ground.

Lily smiled at them playfully fighting on the ground. Again, her thoughts of their friendship were dragged to the forefront of her mind. It was then that she first caught a glimpse of the James she had never noticed before. He was staring intently at his friends, a smile on his face, and his eyes alight with a fire she had never seen before. It was one of contentment and happiness—one he only wore around his friends because it was only with them that he was truly happy.

She wondered what it was that was bothering him lately. His snide remarks and vile personality made him hardly the person she’d want to converse with.

Why are you thinking of James Potter again?

Nothing wrong with thinking about him, he is good looking after all.

You must stop thinking about James Potter.

Of course, you mustn’t. He’s changed. He hasn’t even asked you out yet this year!

These voices were really irritating.

Lily bit her lip in thought and wondered how long these two arguing voices were going to go on.

Probably until I prove one of them wrong, she thought bitterly.

Sirius finally let go of Remus’ neck and Remus let go of Sirius’ leg. Both sat up at the same time, panting for breath, but grinning madly at one another.

“You two are goofs,” said Lily, kicking them playfully.

Sirius eyed Remus, a mischievous glint in his eyes. Remus nodded and before Lily could say another word, Remus and Sirius grabbed both her legs and pulled her to the floor with them.

She landed with an “oomph!” on top of Remus.

“Hello, Lily,” said he.

“Care to join us down here, Prongs?” asked Sirius.

“No thanks. I prefer to watch from the sidelines, you know, in case things get too cosy.” He ducked just in time to avoid three couch cushions that were thrown at his head.

Chapter Four: Treading in Unfamiliar Territory

September had slowly faded into October and truly marked the end of summer. October brought colder weather and more rain. October also meant the start of the Quidditch season, and the prospect of the first Hogsmeade trip which would be announced when the Head Boy and Girl had made a decision. However, Lily’s relationship with James mirrored the turbulent thunderstorms that often flooded the seasonal change from summer to autumn which meant that coming to an agreement would be difficult.

Lily and James had decided to meet after classes in the library to discuss possible dates for the Hogsmeade weekend. They had been there for nearly an hour and were nowhere closer to coming to a decision.

“What about the twenty-second?” Lily questioned, chewing thoughtfully on the tip of her quill.

“No,” James said immediately, tipping the chair he was sitting in so that it balanced on its back legs.

Lily looked up, annoyed. “Why not? And put that chair down. This is a library, not a circus,” she snapped.

James complied and replied, “I was planning on having Quidditch practice that day.”

“You’ve said ‘no’ to every other Saturday I’ve suggested because of Quidditch practice, Potter,” Lily said. “We might as well not have a bloody Hogsmeade trip this month if we’re to revolve around your schedule.”

“I’m Quidditch Captain, Evans. It’s my last year, and Gryffindor must win the Quidditch Cup.”

“You must have some high expectations for your team, then,” Lily retorted.

James slammed his hand down onto the table.

“Mr. Potter, restrain yourself or you’ll be forced to leave,” Madame Pince said as she walked by on her way to find a book for a first year.

James waited for Madame Pince to leave before he hissed, “Damn it, Evans! Can’t you just, for once, keep your remarks to yourself? I’m getting tired of it.”

“Well excuse me, Mr. High and Mighty Quidditch Captain. I’m sorry if I’m just a bit frustrated that you can’t help me decide on a date for the upcoming Hogsmeade trip. Every suggestion I make is automatically discarded because you have Quidditch practice or something equally and pathetically unimportant. I haven’t heard one suggestion from you,” Lily ranted. She sighed heavily and slumped in her seat, ignoring James’ protests.

“How’s it going?” Remus interrupted, slipping into the seat besides James. Lily glared at him reproachfully. “Not so good, I take it.”

“You can deal with him, Remus,” Lily said, getting up and grabbing her things in one fluid motion. She walked out of the library, her shoulders stooped slightly from her weariness.

Remus let out a long, slow breath. “What did you do, Prongs?”

Lily clutched her books tighter to her chest, and sighed. Professor Dumbledore needed a date before the night was over and they were no nearer to coming to a decision. Lily silently wondered why they could not agree on anything.

She reached the common room and muttered the password. The Fat Lady smiled sympathetically at her before swinging open. She trudged up the stairs to her dormitory and dropped her books onto her night table.

“Have you decided a date for the Hogsmeade trip yet?” Anne questioned, looking up from her homework.

Lily gracelessly plopped down on her bed and rubbed her eyes with the heels of her hands. “No,” she muttered. “And we’re nowhere nearer to deciding one.”

Anne smirked. “I’m sure if James wasn’t Head Boy, the date would’ve been set already.”

“I know. We need to set a date by tonight, and I don’t know what to do.” Lily sounded exasperated and weary. Anne came over and sat down on Lily’s bed, and patted her hand understandingly.

“Well, talk with him again after dinner. If you can’t come to any conclusion, talk to Professor Dumbledore.”

“And say what? ‘I’m sorry Professor Dumbledore but James and I have not yet come to a decision because we can’t seem to agree upon anything. Please, why don’t you just remove us from the Head positions because it’s obvious we can’t work together,’” Lily replied.

Anne sighed. “You’re right,” she said. She gave Lily a half-smile before getting up and going back to her homework. “I’m sorry, Lily. I don’t seem to be much of a help.”

“That’s all right, Anne. James isn’t much of a help either,” said Lily. She absently pulled some loose threads from her duvet and then groaned.

Anne glanced up from her homework. “What is it now?”

“It’s just…this is our first real Head duty together, and if we can’t do this, what if Professor Dumbledore really does take away our badges? This school can’t have Heads that don’t get along, especially during such a dark time. I could work with anyone except James. We just can’t agree. We’ve never been able to agree.”

“I don’t know what to tell you, Lily. I just think that you need to set aside your differences. The school is divided as it is. We don’t need our Head Boy and Girl to be divided as well.”

Lily nodded in agreement. “Let’s go to dinner, Anne. I’ll try and get James after, I suppose.”

Anne nodded and they descended the dormitory stairs and excited the common room. The Great Hall was already filling when they arrived and they quickly found seats with the other girls from their dormitory.

“Hello,” James said, stopping behind Lily and greeting her roommates.

“Hi James,” the girls chorused.

“Which one of you lovely ladies would like to accompany me to Hogsmeade?”

Anne looked at Lily questioningly. Lily shook her head in confusion.

“Oh, you’ve decided on a date, then?” asked Sophia, one of Lily’s roommates.

“The twenty-ninth,” James replied. Lily turned around quickly and almost knocked over the pitcher of pumpkin juice.

“What?” she exclaimed. “I had no say in that.”

“Yes you did. It was the first date you suggested because it was the weekend before Halloween.”

“You said we couldn’t. You wanted to fit in one more Quidditch practice because your first match is the thirtieth.”

“The team can miss one day of practice. We’ll be practicing all week anyway,” James said.

Lily felt as though she could shriek with rage. “James Potter, you—you are the most frustrating person I have ever met, let alone work with.” Lily flung her hands up in exasperation. “We sat in that library for over an hour with you saying ‘no’ to every date I suggested. And now, now, you walk into the Great Hall as though you were Merlin himself, making the final decision without my opinion! It’s…it’s…frustrating,” Lily ended lamely.

“But I did have your opinion,” James replied. “You suggested the date, so that means you thought it was a good date. Now, I’m just reinforcing that idea.”

This time, Lily did shriek with rage, and she grabbed James by the front of his robes, dragging him out of the Great Hall.

“Dragging me off for a snog before dinner, eh?”

“Shut it, Potter. You are absolutely infuriating,” Lily snapped angrily as she shoved James against the wall and glared at him. “How could you…how could you do that to me? In front of my roommates?”

“Do what?” James asked, cocking his head to one side.

“Embarrass me,” Lily said, her eyes challenging him to say otherwise. James sobered and frowned.

“Since when did you care about what people thought of you?”

“That doesn’t matter! What matters is that I wasted an hour of my time disagreeing with you. And then, in the end, you decide on the first idea I had suggested. If you had just agreed in the first place, we could have been done in five minutes. But no, you just have to be difficult and—”

“Oh, get over it, Evans,” James cried. “When are you just going to stop thinking about yourself? I could have been doing something much more important than spend an hour of my time with you—”

“I should stop thinking about myself? That’s rich coming from you, Potter,” Lily scoffed. “You are the most self-centred—”

James groaned in frustration and sunk down to the floor, his hands dangling between his bent knees. “This won’t work,” he muttered.

Lily stopped her tirade and looked at him in surprise. “What won’t work?”

“Us…as Head Boy and Girl.”

“I know,” Lily said quietly. “We’re too different.”

James shook his head. “We’re not different. We’re more alike than you know. We just don’t share the same views, and when we’re wrong, we’re too stubborn to admit that we made a mistake.”

Lily was silent. She watched James tug at the cuff of his robes and then ruffle his hair. “What?” she asked.

He looked up questioningly. “Hmm?”

“You’re nervous. You’re doing that thing with your hair,” she said, gesticulating with her hands.

James chuckled, and then opened his mouth before shutting it again. “Do you think I should resign as Head Boy?” he asked finally, looking up at her. His gaze had softened, and he looked troubled.

Lily bit her lip in thoughtful concentration. Finally, she said, “No.”

“Lily,” James started, “we can’t decide on anything. It won’t work.”

Lily shook her head. “We’ll make it work. There’s a reason why Professor Dumbledore made us Head Boy and Girl.”

James looked confused. “First, you call me infuriating and you say how you’ve never worked with anyone as frustrating as me before. Now, when I offer, freely mind you, to resign as Head Boy, you won’t let me?”

Lily shrugged. “We—” She was interrupted by the sound of hundreds of students exiting the Great Hall. “We should tell Professor Dumbledore that we’ve decided on a Hogsmeade date,” Lily said, though James knew it wasn’t what she had planned on saying.

James nodded and got up. Together, they walked silently. James said the password when they reached the entrance to Dumbledore’s office and the stone gargoyle jumped aside. They climbed the spiralling staircase and entered his office without saying a word to one another.

“Ah, so you have decided on a date then, yes?”

“We were thinking about the twenty-ninth of October, sir,” Lily replied, fidgeting slightly under the gaze of the Headmaster.

“The day before the first Quidditch match of the season. Are you all right with this decision, James?”

“Yes, sir. I’ll be working the team hard all week. They’ll need a much deserved break.”

“Very well. I’ll put a notice on the bulletin board tomorrow morning. Oh, and before you go, I must congratulate you. You both are still alive and without injuries after making your first decision together.” Dumbledore’s eyes twinkled merrily.

Lily and James nodded and took their leave. Again, they were silent as they walked back to the common room.

James, who had longer legs, was several steps ahead of Lily but he paused and allowed her to catch up before continuing down the corridor towards the common room.

James suddenly stopped and blurted, “I’m sorry.”

Lily turned around and looked at him, puzzled. “What for?”

“For embarrassing you and being an absolute toad. I know that I can be aggravating, but I don’t mean it. I’m not normally like this.”

“Yes you are,” Lily said. She began to walk again, and James quickly caught up to her.

“Around you, yeah. But when I’m with friends like Sirius or Remus, I’m not. You make me all jittery and nervous. When you get angry at me, I’m angry with myself for cocking it up so badly and then I take my frustrations out on you because that’s what you do to me all the time and—”

“And you’re rambling,” Lily interrupted, smiling slightly. She looked up at James and saw him flush.

“See? I don’t normally ramble either.”

“Of course you don’t,” Lily absently replied.

James was silent. They had given up on heading to Gryffindor Tower and were standing in a deserted corridor, overlooking the grounds through a dusty window. The hall was dark except for the torches that hung every few feet of wall.

Lily watched James. She noticed the way the firelight danced in the frames of his glasses and cast shadows on his face. She never realised how troubled he really was when given the chance to let down the defences he wore around everyone else. She was glad that he had removed his false façade, and she felt as though he was giving her the chance to really see him like Remus and Sirius and Peter saw him, see him as she had always wanted to see him when he wasn’t showing off. He rested his hands on either side of the window and gazed down at the melding shadows that moved with the wind and crept through the trees, the same shadows that haunted Lily’s dreams.

Breaking the silence, Lily asked, “Aren’t you ever afraid? Of Voldemort and all this death, I mean?”

James turned to look at her properly in the light and leaned against the stone wall; a casual action that Lily knew was all too defining of James.

“Of course I’m afraid, Lily. Who do you think I am? Despite what you might think, I’m not Merlin reincarnated. Though we all know that I certainly could pass as him,” James added to lighten the tone of the conversation.

“It’s just—you seem so unaffected by all that’s going on,” Lily said. “You talk about the future and what you and Sirius plan on doing after Hogwarts. And I can’t help but wonder how you can be so certain that there will be a future. You’ve seen the destruction Voldemort has already been causing and we don’t know how much longer he’ll be wreaking havoc in our world. I’m scared, James,” Lily admitted, looking down at the floor.

James stepped towards her and tentatively wrapped his arms around her, pulling her closer to him.

“It’s okay to be scared,” he murmured in her hair.

Lily stepped out of his embrace and let out a strangled laugh. She silently berated herself for allowing James, of all people, to see her during a moment of weakness. James coughed nervously and ran his fingers through his already mussed hair.

“We should head back to the common room,” James said finally.

Lily nodded and they continued on their way down the corridor.

“Er, do you—do you think that maybe we can be friends?” James asked, looking at her hopefully.

“On what terms?” Lily asked, raising a questioning eyebrow.

“Lily,” James warned.

Lily smirked, but then shrugged. “I don’t know. Don’t you think it’s kind of sudden? We were just about to kill each other only a few hours before. You can’t just up and decide to be friends with a person you’ve claimed to hate for six years.” Lily shook her head. “It just doesn’t work that way.”

James frowned. “Why not?”

“Because it doesn’t,” Lily sighed.

“You’ve never really hated me, have you?” James asked abruptly.

She hesitated for a moment. But then she answered, honestly, “No. Even if I had really hated you, it would do us no good. We are living in an age where hatred dictates peoples’ lives. It is the driving force behind Voldemort and his followers. It feeds them with the power that they so desperately crave.”

James nodded. They finally reached the portrait of the Fat Lady. She smiled amiable at them and opened when James said the password. The common room was full of students working on homework or just conversing with their friends. The rest of the Marauders were sitting at a table in the corner, a small candle burning between them. Sirius noticed Lily and James and waved them over.

“Thanks for leaving us at dinner,” Peter said without looking up from the parchment on which he was scribbling a note.

“Sorry,” James murmured. “Lily and I had some things to settle.”

Remus nibbled on the edge of a Honeydukes’ chocolate bar and looked particularly at Lily. “And did you?” he asked.

James looked at Lily who, in turn, shrugged noncommittally. “For the most part.”

“That’s good,” Sirius replied. He then motioned to the empty chairs at the table. “Sit down and join us in our merry mischief making.”

“You know that as Head Boy…” James started as he sat down across from Sirius.

“Ah, Prongs, since when has that ever stopped you?” Sirius asked, his eyes gleaming with the maniacal glint that appeared when he was causing mayhem.

James, again, looked to Lily, who had taken a seat beside Remus and was quietly speaking with him. She looked up when she felt his eyes on her and gave a half-smile.

“As long as it doesn’t involve Slytherins or causing anyone harm, I’ll pretend I didn’t hear a thing,” Lily said.

“Whoa, whoa,” Sirius exclaimed. “You would’ve bit James’ head off before, what’s with the change?”

“James knows his limits as Head Boy, and if he crosses them, well, at least I won’t have to worry about having to work with him again.”

James smiled at Lily, and proceeded to discuss, at length, the parchment that Peter had been scribbling on. His eyes lit up and a passionate fire burned within them as he pointed to a specific line. Sirius nodded in agreement. Lily watched as they bent over the parchment, talking to one another in hushed, excited voices. She saw the way that Sirius’ head always tilted slightly towards James’ when he talked, and the way that Sirius and James kept one another in check, and how Remus kept them all under control, even when they were all understandably excited. And for once, Lily felt as though she belonged to something wonderful; a circle of almost complete opposite people inexplicably drawn together in such a tight-knit group of friends. She smiled and noted that at that moment, she would not have cared if they had been planning the end of the world because she finally understood what it felt like for them to be together as ‘the Marauders’ and she never wanted to ruin that for them.