Sorrow and Tears

mysticsemaj

Rating: R
Genres: Angst, Romance
Relationships: Harry & Hermione
Book: Harry & Hermione, Books 1 - 5
Published: 29/03/2005
Last Updated: 01/04/2005
Status: in_progress

Six months after graduation, two friends are trying to live amidst their sorrow and tears...

Chapters

1. If I Had It All

2. Grey Street

3. Grace is Gone

1. If I Had It All

Summary: Six months after Graduation Harry is stuck in his memories, and stuck in his sorrow...
Disclaimer: Harry and his world are JK Rowlings, and the song is Dave Matthews Band, I don't own anything....

A/N: This is a song-fic. Don't run away screaming just yet. I hope it doesn't suck terribly, but if it does, (As Hagrid would say) 'Sorry 'bout tha'.

If I Had It All

Sometimes I can't move my feet it seems
As if I'm stuck in the ground somehow like a tree
As if I can't even breathe
Oh, and my screams come whispering out

Harry sat alone, as he often did, staring out the window of his bedroom. Although just barely midday, it was dark. The sun, like his heart was veiled behind the clouds. The house of number 12 Grimmauld Place was empty right now, his roommate, Ron, would be back sometime after dark, his Quidditch Practice often keeping him longer than that. He and Ron had moved in right after Graduation, right after Voldemort's defeat, right after she left....

Harry felt a tear roll down his cheek and he didn't bother to whip it away, another would soon replace it.

He and Ron had lived there a little over six months now, and he still felt the pain as if it were yesterday. He closed his eyes as the memories rushed over him, and the tears came crashing down..

As if nobody can even see me
Like a ghost, sometimes I can't see myself
Sometimes, then again, oh

The Graduation Ball was in full swing. Harry had finally been brought onto the dance floor by Hermione his 'date'. They had decided to go as friends, neither wanting to find a date. 'If she only knew.' Harry thought to himself as they danced. The butterflies in his stomach were making him nauseous, so much so that he had a fleeting thought of running as fast as possible from the dance floor. He looked over to Ron dancing with his girlfriend Luna, the two of them holding each other close. Ron caught his eye and winked, giving him a thumbs up behind Luna's back, his meaning clear, 'Go for it mate.' Harry smiled slightly and nodded. 'Well here goes nothing.' Harry thought to himself.

"Would you like to take a walk? It's kind of warm in here." Harry said softly to Hermione. She had on a soft green dress, making her even more beautiful to Harry, something he was quite sure should have been impossible.

She looked up and smiled, "Sure, it is a little warm in here."

Harry smiled back to hide his nervousness and nodded. The two walked out of the Great Hall and down the hall out of the school. They walked down to the lake, near their favorite tree, silently. Stopping in front of the water's edge, Harry turned to Hermione.

"Is something wrong Harry?" She asked softly.

"No, no nothing wrong," Harry said quickly, "or well there could be something wrong, depends on how you look at it." 'Oh brilliant Potter, that a way to tell her, you fucking pillock.' a voice in Harry's head said, sounding suspiciously like Draco Malfoy.

Hermione looked at him confused, "What is it Harry?"

'Here we go..' Harry thought to himself as he began speaking, "Well it's like this," his voice was soft and trembling, "you are my best friend, and you mean more to me than I could ever possibly explain to you."

Hermione smiled, "Your my best friend too Harry."

"But that's not all," Harry said, "your not only my friend. Your the one person in my life who has always stood by me, your the one I trust above all others, the one I care about above all others, yours is the opinion I value, no one elses. Your not just my friend Hermione."

Hermione's smile faulted, "What...what do you mean?"

"I mean," Harry said softly, "that I love you. I am in love with you."

Hermione's eyes widened in shock. Silence rang supreme by the Great Lake, the only sound the wind whipping over the water.

'Oh god,' Harry thought, 'she hates me.'

"If you could say something here that would be great." Harry said softly.

Tears were pooling in Hermione's eyes as she spoke, "I...I'm sorry Harry, I didn't know. But.."

Harry finished for her, his own tears welling in his eyes, "But you don't feel like that for me."

Hermione nodded slightly and Harry sighed, not caring to hide the tears coming down his face, he thought she might could hear his heart shattering as bad as he felt it.

She spoke softly, "Harry you are the most caring, courageous person I have ever met. And I do love you, i just can't love you like that, not now. I'm leaving after graduation, i'm going to America."

Harry's eyes widened as his vision became more obscured, "What...what do you mean?"

"I've been offered a position at a Healing Institution there, the position is not usually offered to someone my age, but they said with my continual high scores in school that they felt I could do a good job. I..I couldn't say no."

Harry's sorrow was quickly replaced by anger, "And you weren't going to tell me?"

"Yes Harry," Hermione began as her own tears fell down her cheeks, "I was going to tell you, but amid Voldemort and the war and graduation and NEWTS, I didn't ever find the right time."

Harry closed his eyes and his anger once again gave way to his sorrow.

"I...I'm sorry Harry." Hermione said through her tears as she turned to run back to the castle.

Harry felt his knees give way as he fell to the ground. "So am I 'Mione, So am I."

If I were a king
If I had everything
If I had you and I could give you your dreams
If I were giant-sized, on top of it all
Then tell me what in the world would I sing for
If I had it all

It was graduation day, supposedly the happiest day of his young life, and it was, it really was. The sun shone brightly over the Quidditch Pitch. The erected stands on the ground were filled with overjoyed family and friends. Voldemort had just been defeated, by Harry's own hand, and his speech as Head Boy had gone off without a hitch. Despite all of that, he hadn't smiled all day. Next to him sat the Head Girl, his best friend Hermione Granger, and the reason he had yet to smile all day. Just the night before he bared his heart to her, and she had shattered it with her bare hands. He had yet to even speak to her, only catching her eyes once, looking quickly away at her sign of pity. Something Harry had been given all his life, something he couldn't bare to receive from her.

"I give you the graduating class of 1998." Albus Dumbledore's voice brought Harry from his daze as the students rose as one to cheer.

He met the Weasley's on the field, trying his best to smile as Molly and Arthur hugged him.

"You three get together, I want a picture." Mrs. Weasely said to Harry, Hermione, and Ron.

Ron moved to Hermione's right side and Harry had little choice but to move to her left. She wrapped her arm around him for the picture, and he felt his heart breaking all over again. Once the picture was taken he quickly ran from the field, hoping to hide his tears.

"Where's he going Ron?" Mrs. Weasely asked concerned. Ron's eyes flickered to Hermione for a brief moment.

"He's running." Ron said quietly. Mrs. Weasely seemed confused for a moment until she noticed the look on Hermione's face. She realized what had happened, knowing full well the love Harry had for Hermione.

She glanced off in the direction Harry had ran and thought to herself, 'That poor boy, will he ever get any happiness in his life?'

Sometimes I feel lost
As I pull you out like strings of memories
Wish I could weave them into you
Then I could figure the whole damn puzzle out
Then again, oh

And if I were a king
If I had everything
If I had you and I could give you your dreams
If I were giant-sized, on top of it all
Then tell me what in the world would I go on for
If I had it all

A door slamming brought Harry out of his memories. He noticed it was dark now, Ron must be home. He did not surprise himself at the time he had spent in his memories, he was used to it. Harry did his best to clean his face off in the bathroom before going downstairs.

He saw Ron standing near the door, sorting the post. His practice robes wet and dingy from practice. "Hey mate." Harry said, trying as best he could to appear normal.

He should have known he wouldn't be able to fool Ron.

Ron's face dropped when he saw Harry. "Hey what's up?"

"Not much. You hungry?" Harry said, still trying like hell to appear non chalant.

"Of course." Ron said with a smile. "You wanna go out and get something?"

"Nah, I'd rather eat here if it's ok with you." Harry said.

Ron sighed, "You have to go out sometime Harry. You can't hide in here forever."

Harry appeared indignant, "I do go out. I go out all the damn time."

"No," Ron began quietly, "You go out on Sunday for a walk, and you go out on Tuesday to get groceries. Then sometimes you go out on Friday with me, Luna, Neville, and Ginny. Other than that, you don't go out."

Harry's face fell, "I know."

"You have to get over this Harry, it's been almost six months." Ron said quietly.

"I know." Harry said again, "It's just hard is all."

"I know it is mate," Ron replied, "But you have to move on. I mean, she's only written twice since she got there Harry, she's gone."

Harry felt his eyes prickle at Ron's mention of Hermoine. Ron noticed, and cursed Hermoine in his mind, not for the first time, for hurting his friend like this. He had known full well that both of his friends loved each other, and he also knew full well why Hermoine had turned down Harry. 'Stupid bloody fucking thinking too much...' He grumbled to himself.

Ron sighed, "So want are you cooking?"

Harry smiled at his friend's attempts to get Hermoine off his mind as he began to rattle off ideas for dinner.

I could take anything
If I had no greed to bring
Only the poison that's tainting the clean
Oh, then nothing
Remembering times much younger than me now
When my breath was light
When the world raised me up kind
And here mother comforts child
Every moment was waking up
But now I've grown tired... out
If I had it all, you know
I'd fuck it up

Harry lie awake later that night in his bed, willing sleep to come. He had only been lying there for two hours, so he knew it would be many more before sleep finally claimed him. He knew in his mind that he needed to move on, that he needed to let go, but his heart was somewhat difficult to convince. He sighed to himself as he got out of bed. He moved to the couch he had placed by the bay windows and stared out at the now clear sky. The moon was full, casting it's pale glow on the world. Harry sighed to himself. Here he was, 18 years old, living in what some would consider a grand house. He had more money than he could count, was a world famous vanquisher of evil, and he would trade it all for one moment with her. 'How sad,' Harry thought as he looked to the moon, 'How very sad.'

Little did he know that a few thousand miles away, in a small apartment, a young woman was looking at the same moon, feeling the same pain, and crying the same tears...

If I were a king
If I had everything
If I had you and I could give you your dreams
If I were giant-sized, on top of it all
Then tell me what in the world would I sing for...
If I were a king
If I had everything, piece by piece
If I had you if i could give you your dreams
If I were giant-sized, on top of it all
Then tell me what in the world would I go on for

If I had it all

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2. Grey Street

Disclaimer: None of it's mine... the song's Dave's....

A/N: I didn't feel there was enough angst in the last chapter, so here's so more! (Can you feel the sarcasm there?)

Oh Look at how she listens
She says nothing of what she thinks
She just goes stumbling through her memories
Staring out onto Grey Street

Hermoine sat alone in her apartment. She had turned the lights off hours ago, when she first attempted to sleep. She knew she had been kidding herself, she hadn't slept more than a few hours a night in the last six months. Her work as an apprentice healer at Salem Healer's Academy was going well. Everything that hed been taught to her, she picked up quickly. She hadn't felt challenged yet, and she was quickly becoming bored. After she had left England she found a small, one bedroom apartment, no more than six blocks from the Academy. In the time she had been in America she had made no friends and had no life outside of work, her outlook on life was quickly become grey, everyday seeming to mesh into the next, until she didn't really know what the date was.

She stared up at the moon, the moon, which had always reminded her of Hogwarts and lush grounds by the great lake. And, as always, thoughts of Hogwarts led to Harry.... and thoughts of Harry led to tears....

She didn't even try to fight them as they rolled down her cheeks. 'Why oh why was I so stupid?' She screamed at herself as the sobs took her away.

She thinks, "Hey,
How did I come to this?"
I dream myself a thousand times around the world
But I can't get out of this place

There's an emptiness inside her
And she'd do anything to fill it in
But all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart

When she first arrived in America she was still numb from Harry's revelations. She had always felt a little something more for Harry, but her logical mind wouldn't allow her to think about it. Any awkward feelings had always been thrown out, discarded by her mind. When she had recieved the owl, informing her of the position opening and the request that she take it, she had felt no reason not to go. She had no real attatchments in England. Sure she had Harry and Ron, but they would be off in careers of their own. Since her parents had been killed during the summer following her sixth year she had no real reason to stay. While her heart screamed at her, her mind far outweighed it, with reasons and logical conclusions she couldn't ignore. So two weeks before Graduation she had sent an owl in the affirmative and prepared to move. She was ready to go and fairly excited about it. The Graduation Ball, and Harry changed all that. It was with a heavy heart that she landed in America, and with a heavier heart that she tried to settle into a life there. Now as she sat, alone, as always, in her dark room, with tears falling down her face, she wished she could take it back.

How she wishes it was differant
She prays to god most every night
Though she swears he doesn't listen
There's still a hope in her he might

She says, "I pray,
Ah but my prayers they fall on deaf ears
Am I supposed to take it on myself
To get out of this place?"

There's a lonliness inside her
And she'd do anything to fill it in
And though it's red blood bleeding from her now
Feels like cold blue ice in her heart
When all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart

Hermoine lay in her bed, having fallen asleep sometime in the midst of her tears. Suddenly a lound banging sounded from the front door. She grabbed her wand and moved quickly down the hall. The chill from the North American air shocking her body through her flimsy nightdress.

"Who's there?" She yelled at the door.

"It's me!" A male voice drifted through the door, "I can't bear it anymore 'Moine. I love you, I can't be without you."

Hermoine dropped her wand in suprise and started shaking. It was with heavy legs that she moved toward the door. She opened it slowly to revel the tear-streaked face of Harry. His raven hair stuck up oddly and his bright green eyes were dark with remorse. Hermoine felt her own eyes tear up as they stood there, unsure how to proceede. Hermoine's vision blurred as she stumbled forward, needing his touch.

"I love you Harry, I love you so much." She mumbled through her tears.

Just as she was about to reach him, he stepped back. His face no longer remorsefull, his eyes clouding over with hurt and anger.

"Then why the hell did you leave? Why the hell did you hurt me so?"

Hermoine was shocked, her whole being filling with dread. This wasn't how it was supposed to be, this wasn't how she envisioned it in her dreams.

And with that thought she quickly jerked and awakend from her sleep. She found herself lying in her bed, her body still turned toward the window, with tears streaming down her face. The memory of the pain on Harry's face cause overwhelming sobs to take her as she clutched a pillow tight.

There's a stranger that speaks outside her door
Says take what you can from your dreams
Make them as real as anything
It'd take the work out of the courage

But she says, "Please
There's a crazy man that's creepin ouside my door
I live on the corner of grey street, and the end of the world."

The next morning sunlight forced Hermoine's eyes to open as it poured in through the window. She cracked an eye open to look at her clock. 'Bloody hell I have to be at work in fifteen minutes.' She quickly rolled out of bed and moved toward her bathroom. As she reached the door she stopped suddenly, 'Wait, it's Sunday, I don't work today.' With a sigh Hermoine had a passing thought of going back to bed, but dismissed it quickly, knowing sleep would not come again. She went down the hall, intending on a morning cup of coffee when she passed her front door. As she passed the spot where her dream self stood the night before, looking upon Harry with dark eyes, her feelings hit her stomach like a cannon ball. She froze, midstep and fell to her knees as sobs overcame her. She lie there, on the cold floor, screaming at herself for her idiocy. 'How could I ever think to live without him? How did I think I would feel? Did I really believe an ocean could make my heart feel differant?'
She lie on the floor, her heart writhing in pain as these thought played over and over in her mind. She wanted so desperately to go back, but she feared the response to her return. Would he hate her? Would he welcome her back? Had he already moved on? Her thoughts swirled as a sense of resolve came over her. The logical part of her mind soon came to a realization, the only way to have answers to her questions would be to go back and find out. She sat there, on the cold floor until she had a plan, until she knew what she was to do.

There's a emptiness inside her
And she'd do anything to fill it in
And though it's red blood bleeding from her now
It's more like cold blue ice in her heart
She feels like kicking out all the windows
And setting fire to this life
She could change everything about her
Using colors bold and bright
When all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart

A/N: I'm looking for a beta for a novel-length Action-Adventure, Romance H/Hr i'm starting on. It's going to be quite the project and I need someone to check it over for me and and to discuss ideas with. Just send me an e-mail: mysticsemaj8@yahoo.com

And thanks for all my reviews!! Keep 'em coming!!

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3. Grace is Gone

Disclaimer: Usual stuff, not mine... song is once again Dave's...
A/N: You'd think I had reached my angst and suffering quotient for this fic.. right? Well ha ha, the jokes on you. Here's the bottom of the barrel. Or bottle as the case may be. This one is kinda short, sorry about that, but my torturing of Harry's poor soul can only go so far. This is in Harry's pov.

Here comes the first inkling of that rating. Just a little cursing here and there, but the last chapter is the real reason for the rating.

Enjoy!

Grace is Gone

Neon shines through smoky eyes tonight
It’s 2 am - I’m drunk again it’s heavy on my mind
I could never love again so much as I love you
Where you end where I begin is like a river going through
Take my eyes take my heart I need them no more
If never again they fall upon the one I so adore

Here I am. Doing something I told myself I would never do. I close my eyes a little at the neon magic sign that's flashing behind the bar. I don't really care for the small, dingy bar down the road from where I live, the smoke in the air seems to be think enough to asphyxiate, but alas, here I am, drowning my memories in a deep bottle of whiskey. I think I passed just being drunk a few hours ago, now I'm belligerent. Every burning shot that makes its way down my throat chases away the pain of remembering, for just a moment, and then, like the devil's working against me, every shot seems to bring the worst memories back, full-force. I remember staring into her eyes as she told me I was a great wizard, when we just eleven damned years old. The uncloaked emotion playing naked in her eyes as she looked at me in admiration.

I kill another shot.

Excuse me please one more drink
Could make it strong cause I don't need to think
She broke my heart my Grace is gone
One more drink and I'll move on

One drink to remember then another to forget
How could I ever dream to find sweet love like you again
One drink to remember and another to forget

I remember sitting by a hospital bed in my second year, holding a cold, almost dead hand, trying to understand odd emotions that were playing in my heart. I never told Ron, but I sat there for what seemed like hours one night, just staring into her eyes, feeling so desperately useless. All I wanted was for her to wake up, all I wanted was my best friend back. Even then I knew there was something more to her than my best friend, but I couldn't understand it then. I understand it now, but then... then those feelings were as foreign to me as the concept of parents. Parents... something I never understood, and really still don't.

I remember my fourth year and that fucking Tri-Wizard tournament, and how everyone and their mother turned their backs on me, but her. She alone stayed beside me, encouraging me, her belief in me never wavering for a second. My god, I must have been blind and stupid.

I kill another shot.

Excuse me please one more drink
Could make it strong cause I don't need to think
She broke my heart my Grace is gone
One more drink and I'll move on
One more drink and I'll be gone

You think of things impossible and the sun refuse to shine
I woke with you beside me your cold hand lay in mine

Your probably wondering to yourself what happened that led me to this bar. Why, after six months, I suddenly turned to the bottle. Last night I had a dream, a dream I don't think I'll ever forget, no matter how hard I try to drink it away. I went to Hermoine, or she came to me, I really can't remember at this point. We declared our desperate love to each other and fell passionately together. Of course this wasn't unlike dreams I've had dozens of times, but it didn't end like it has before. Previously I would just wake up as we held each other, and cry big, great un-manly tears until I fell back asleep. But this time, it was different. This time I caught the full act, in surround sound and living color. I remember how we trembled as we undressed each other. How her eyes never wavered from mine. I remember how she sounded as I entered her. How she told me, over and over, how much she loved me. I remember the look on her face as she came, and I still feel how I felt when we lay together afterwards, murmuring ridiculously sweet nothings in each other's ears. We fell asleep together, our naked bodies intertwined into one, content flowing in my veins and in my heart.

Then I remember waking up the next morning, feeling her body beside mine. I reached out and grabbed her hand.... and it was cold, so cold. I tried to rouse her, but she wouldn't wake up. I felt for her pulse, there was none. I remember the sobs that over came my dream self, sobs at having what I had wanted all my life, and then it get so suddenly snatched from me. Screaming at the fucking fates and their twisted sense of humor.

I woke from that dream, tears streaming down my face, the feelings of despair still fresh in my heart.

I kill another shot.

Excuse me please one more drink
Could make it strong cause I don't need to think
She broke my heart my Grace is gone
One more drink and I'll go

A few hours later I wake up at my house, absolutely no clue how I got here. I can only guess Ron came and picked me up. The bartender probably called him, I mean after all we can't have Harry fucking Potter belligerently drunk in a bar now can we? Oh no, not our damned bloody savior. As I barely drift into consciousness I hear voices coming from down the stairs, but the room is spinning too much for me to tell them to shut the hell up. For a second I think I hear a feminine voice.... 'Hermoine?' I think before the darkness consumes me....

Excuse me please one more drink
Could make it strong cause I don't need to think
She broke my heart my Grace is gone
One more drink and I'll move on
One more drink and I'll be gone
One more drink my Grace is gone

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