Stronger Than I Am

Delayed Poet

Rating: PG
Genres: Drama, Romance
Relationships: Draco & Ginny
Book: Draco & Ginny, Books 1 - 5
Published: 08/04/2005
Last Updated: 08/04/2005
Status: completed

Draco's missing and Ginny's trying to raise their daughter. Will he come back? One-shot, song fic. One reviewer at ff.net said, "I actually could feel the way Ginny felt. I almost cried, to be honest. Bravo!"

Chapters

1. Stronger Than I Am

1. Stronger Than I Am

Stronger Than I Am

Ginny Malfoy looked up at the pictures on the mantel of her fireplace. It had only been about a year since he left, but seeing pictures of happier times still brought tears to her eyes. Draco Malfoy, her Draco, stood behind her, his arms wrapped around her six month pregnant belly, positively glowing. With his father soulless and his mother occupying a room on St. Mungo’s insanity ward, he had no worries. Ginny wondered at times what had come of that man. She had no idea when he would return, but she still held hope in her heart that he would.

Neither side of the war had managed to draw Draco in where it would count. He had never taken the mark of the Dark Lord and, though it may have seemed otherwise to those around him, he was not one of Voldemort’s minions. His father hadn’t been so lucky and had received the Dementor’s kiss one week after the Dark Lord’s fall. His mother, who witnessed the kiss being administered, lost the last shred of sanity she had left and Draco had Mediwitches and wizards from all over the world trying to bring his mother back to him.

The Draco Malfoy in the picture had lost a lot because of the war: his parents, the respect of the general public, and those he thought to be his friends. But the Draco in the picture had gained more than he could have hoped for due to that same war: his wife and child, a family to call his own, a chance to build a new respect for the name of Malfoy. Ginny would never understand what happened a year ago to make her love leave.

Their daughter, Vanessa Elaine Malfoy, was born about a year after they married. That was three years ago. Her precious daughter was three years old and her father wasn’t there to see her achievements. Ginny suspected that it hurt her more than it hurt Vanessa, but she did not know what to do about it.

Things around here haven’t changed much

It’s all pretty much the same stuff day after day

The only thing that keeps me going

Seems to be our baby girl I’m trying to raise

She’s my life my morning angel

Always seems to find the rainbow after the rain

Lately she’s so busy growing

I don’t even think she knows you’ve gone away

The past year held many tears in the dark of night and many hours spent at the Burrow for Ginny. Vanessa didn’t seem to realize how much time her Daddy had been absent for, but Ginny still remembered the first time Vanessa acknowledged Draco’s absence.

Vanessa ran up to Ginny, her favorite bedtime book waving around in her hand. Her strawberry blonde curls were bouncing around her soft, round face that was tinged with a splatter of pink and freckles.

"Mummy! Daddy! Story!" Vanessa found her mother sitting on her bed, a letter clutched in her hand and tears in her eyes. "Mummy okay? Where Daddy? Daddy always make Mummy feel better!"

Ginny looked down at her innocent daughter. "Daddy went on a little trip. Don’t worry about it," she forced a smile. "It’s bedtime for you right now."

Ginny stood and picked her daughter up, taking her to the room painted with yellow flowers and groups of unicorns.

Ginny wiped her tears away in frustration. It would not do to dwell on the past. She hoped that if she kept repeating that to herself in her more vulnerable moments, she might begin to believe the words with her heart and not only know them to be true.

Ginny turned away from the picture on the mantle and memories, heading to check on her daughter. She opened the door to the room and saw the faint light of the moon shining in through the window. Ginny remembered how often she’d close the curtains, then come to check on Vanessa in the early hours of the morning to find them open. At first she suspected that Vanessa opened them after she left, but soon realized that her meddling husband was the guilty party.

He would go in there after Ginny fell asleep and open the curtains, then read his daughter a story. Ginny happened to wake up as he was leaving one night for his nightly adventure. She waited until he closed the door with a soft click behind him before getting up and following him. She had opened the door to Vanessa’s room and saw the curtains pulled open. Her husband had been lying against Vanessa’s headboard, the little girl curled against his side, reading a story to her. Draco looked up and met her eyes. He had given her an innocent grin, never missing a beat in his story.

Ever since that night a year ago, Ginny couldn’t bring herself to close the curtains at night.

She finally learned to say goodbye

She’s sleeping through the night

She don’t wake up crying

And she’s walking on her own

She don’t need no one holding her hand

And I hate to admit she’s stronger than I am

Ginny walked into her daughter’s room, closing the door softly behind her. Sitting down on the edge of the young girl’s bed, Ginny gently pushed the soft curls away from the girls’ face. Ginny could only hope that her young daughter would never forget her Daddy. Draco had left so sudden, it was completely unexpected. All he took with him was a small bag of clothes, a bit of money from Gringott’s, and a picture of the three of them. The only evidence that he’d left where the missing items and a letter he had placed on top of Ginny’s wand.

Vanessa had only been two years old, just learning to say comprehensible words and phrases, when he left. Ginny was thankful that she had been able to share the experience of Vanessa’s first steps and first words with him, but she couldn’t help but feel the void the first time Vanessa climbed down from the sofa to find her mother in the kitchen.

Ginny stroked her daughters’ soft check with the pad of her thumb, a sad smile on her lips. She wanted the best possible childhood for her daughter. She wanted her daughter to know her father, not to grow up having to ask Ginny questions about who her Daddy was. She never wanted her daughter to ask her why Draco left, never wanted Vanessa to consider that it could have been her own fault. Ginny felt suddenly incensed. Her daughter should never have to question whether or not Draco loved her! It was unfair and completely unnecessary. Vanessa was Draco’s pride and joy. Ginny doubted that anything had ever made him happier (in a way completely different than their marriage) than when they brought Vanessa into the world together.

Ginny knew that even though a year had gone by, Vanessa hadn’t forgotten her father. The young, perceptive girl would see pictures of Draco, point, and say, "Daddy." Many times that this happened, the young girl would tell Ginny that she missed her Daddy.

She ain’t cracking under pressure

First one step and then another she goes along

If she falls and skins her knee

She cries awhile and smiles at me and just goes on

So many things she can teach me

Full of life and so completely innocent

She still says she loves her Daddy

Goes on just like nothing happened

Forgives and forgets

Ginny left her daughter to her dreams and went to her own room. This room had seemed so much colder without her Draco to share it with. The first couple months after he left were the worst. She had cried more then than the rest of her life combined. She tried her hardest to only cry after she was sure Vanessa was fast asleep. Ginny hated that she felt so weak and vulnerable. She grew up with six brothers, she should not be so inadequate. But the tears still fell.

Ginny sat on the side of the bed and pulled the bedside drawer open. A trembling hand reached in and pulled out an envelope. She opened the worn envelope and pulled out a piece of parchment that was the last piece of communication she’d had with him. It was the letter he had left for her to find the morning after he left. She lifted the folded end of the paper and read the familiar words scrawled across the page.

Ginny, my love,

I am sorry that this is how you are to learn of why I am not here. We were supposed to go to a picnic tomorrow. You remember, right? The one with the Ministry, celebrating the seventh year anniversary of the defeat of Voldemort. Please don’t stay away from it on my account, Vanessa would love to see Ron’s newest little brat.

Ginny choked on a laugh through her tears as she read that part. Her husband and her brother had managed to put aside past differences and begin a shaky friendship. Joking like that, Ginny had learned, was Draco’s way of making things easier for himself.

I’m sure that by now you’re wondering where I am, but in all honesty, I can’t answer that. I am not sure where exactly I’ll go, but I know that I need to go away for a little while. I’m not sure how long I’ll be gone, but I promise you this: I will return to you! I love you Ginny, and that will never change! I wish that I didn’t have to write this letter, but I don’t think I could leave if I said good bye to you in person.

I only have one request. Gin, if I don’t return for more than 6 months, make sure that ‘Nessa remembers me. I promised you that I will return, and I will not break that promise, but I don’t want my baby girl to forget me if something should hold me back from coming home soon.

One last thing before I end this letter. My love, I can only wish that I could hold you in my arms one last time before I leave, but I know that if I do, I’ll never be able to let go. I have to do this and all I ask of you is that you don’t go looking for me. I promise you that I’m not going out and looking for trouble, I’m just going somewhere to clear my head. I promise you that I will try and find the words to better explain when I return. So now I shall leave you. Good bye my love, I await the day to be reunited with you.

Your loving husband,

Draco

Ginny finished reading the letter, no longer trying to prevent her tears from streaming down her cheeks. She solemnly folded the letter back and slid it into its envelope. She put it back in her drawer just as Vanessa came walking quietly in her room.

"Mummy, what’s wrong? Why are you crying?" the little girl asked softly as she climbed up to sit in Ginny’s lap.

"Mummy just misses Daddy, that’s all. Don’t worry about it," Ginny gave her a kiss on her forehead.

"Mummy, when is Daddy coming home, I miss him."

Ginny wondered if Vanessa knew that it was exactly what Ginny wanted to know. "I don’t know yet baby, soon I hope."

Vanessa scrunched up her face. "I’m not a baby!" she announced.

She is her father’s daughter for sure. "Of course you’re not. Don’t leave your face like that for too long or it’ll get stuck."

Vanessa rolled her eyes. "Can I sleep with you tonight Mummy? I had a bad dream and I’m scared to go back to my room."

Vanessa looked up at Ginny with big, innocent blue eyes and Ginny found that she could not say no to her if she wanted to. "Of course you can, but only for tonight," she said seriously.

Vanessa climbed off her lap and under the covers, pulling them up to her chin. "Night Mummy!"

Ginny leaned down and kissed her forehead. "Good night ‘Nessa."

She finally learned to say goodbye

She’s sleeping through the night

She don’t wake up crying

And she’s walking on her own

She don’t need no one holding her hand

And I hate to admit she’s stronger than I am

In one week it would be a year. A whole year since she had last laid eyes on her Draco. A year since she felt his arms around her. Ginny marveled at how she had made it through the year. She knew that if she hadn’t had Vanessa to raise, she would have broken long ago. Sure, she had friends and family that were always willing to help her out, give her a shoulder to cry on, but it just wouldn’t be the same if she didn’t have her daughter.

Ginny trusted her husband enough to keep his promises. Granted, she wasn’t planning on letting him explain until after she’d had her say, but after she vented, she couldn’t wait to hear why he left. She needed more than anything to know what drove him away.

"Ginny!" she heard a voice call, bringing her out of her musings.

Ginny looked around for the source of the voice and found it floating in her fireplace. Hermione’s head was floating amidst green flames.

"Hi Hermione," she said with a forced smile.

"Oh cheer up! We’re going out tonight, just us girls."

"Vanessa?"

"No, she can stay with your Mum," Ginny made to say something, but Hermione continued, "I’ve already talked to her and she said that it’s alright."

Ginny sighed in an early defeat. "Where are we going?"

Hermione smiled, "You’ll find out when we get there. Just floo to my flat and we’ll walk there."

"What should I wear?"

"Dressy."

"What time?"

"5, we’ll want to beat the crowd." Hermione smiled in that way that screamed she knew something Ginny didn’t.

Ginny looked at her suspiciously. "Alright, I’ll see you then."

"Bye Gin."

"Bye Hermione."

~

It was already 4 o’clock and Ginny decided she’d better start getting ready. She went to her fireplace, threw some floo powder into the hearth and stuck her head in the flames. "The Burrow!" She soon found herself looking into her childhood home’s living room from the fireplace.

"MUM!" she yelled, hoping to get someone’s attention.

"Mum! Ginny’s at the floo!" she heard Bill’s voice shout from the doorway. "Hey Gin, how are you holding up?"

"All right, and you?" her voice didn’t even sound convincing to herself.

"Good as can be expected. Going out with Hermione tonight, aren’t you?" A knock sounded from the front door. "Oh, that’s for me, I’ll see you later, ok?"

"Yes, sure. Wait! Have you got a date?" Ginny looked at her eldest brother with a smirk.

"Actually, I do, and I don’t want to start off on the wrong foot, so I’ll talk with you later," with a smile and a wink, Bill was gone.

Molly Weasley came walking into the room, wiping her hands on her apron. "Hello Ginny dear. How are you?"

"I’m hanging in here. Is it alright if I send Vanessa over right now?"

"Of course dear. Have fun tonight," she smiled warmly at her daughter.

~

At 5 o’clock Ginny floo’d to Hermione’s. She stepped out of the hearth and brushed her cloak that covered her royal blue robes off. She looked around, but couldn’t see Hermione anywhere.

"Hermione?" she called out tentatively.

"I’m back here, I’ll be out in just a minute," Hermione called back.

Ginny sat down, but didn’t have to wait long before Hermione came out wearing dress robes of silver. "Ready to go?" Hermione asked, grabbing her cloak and heading toward the door.

Ginny stood up and followed her. "So where are we going?"

"You’ll see."

The two young women walked outside and down the street toward the more busy parts of the city. Hermione pulled her into an expensive restaurant. They were ushered to a secluded table and sat down. They sat in companionable silence as they looked over the menu. Ginny looked up to see Hermione studying her.

Ginny felt tears invading her eyes again. "Draco used to always bring me here," she said softly.

Hermione smiled at her and stood up. "Will you excuse me for a minute, I’ve got to go to the ladies room." Ginny nodded and Hermione left.

A few moments later, Ginny was surprised to find a pleasantly familiar scent invading her senses. She looked around, hoping to find the source of the smell and was surprised to find two long silver-stemmed red roses with a dark green ribbon tied around them floating next to her. She felt her breathe start to quicken as she reached for them and wrapped her fingers around the stem near the ribbon. She lifted them to her nose, closed her eyes, and smelt a wonderful combination of Jasmine and the roses natural scent.

"Draco," she said softly.

"Ginny," she heard a voice behind her say - a voice she hadn’t heard for nearly a year.

Ginny jumped out of her chair and turned around to see her husband standing there wearing his best dress robes. Everything about him was just as she remembered, except the fact that he now had a tan. Ginny’s body was shaking and she put her hand on the back of her chair to steady herself.

"Draco?" He nodded. "Oh Merlin! Draco! I’ve missed you! Please tell me you’re really back!"

Draco walked to her and gently brushed against her cheek with the back of his hand. "It’s really me, love. I’ve missed you so much as well. There is so much to tell." He kissed her softly, "Let’s sit. There is much to talk about."

Draco helped Ginny sit down before sitting in Hermione’s seat. He picked up the menu and started looking for something to order. "Have you decided what you want yet?"

Ginny snapped back to reality. "Actually, yes, I have. I’d like an explanation. Where in Merlin’s name have you been for almost a year?! I can’t believe you just up and left me! For a year, Draco, just about a whole year! Do you have any idea what I’ve gone through?! What Vanessa has had to go through?" Throughout her quiet, yet angry outburst, Draco had set the menu down and looked as though he’d expected this.

"I’ve been all over. I spent a lot of the time in New Zealand, Australia, and Canada. I would be lying if I said that I knew what you and ‘Nessa have gone through," he answered quietly.

"Why Draco, why?" she asked with tears in her eyes.

"I still don’t have the words to explain it. I just - had - to leave. I wasn’t planning on staying away this long, but I didn’t know how to come back home. I was afraid you’d hate me for leaving so suddenly. Merlin! I hated myself for leaving. I felt so dead without you and Vanessa."

Silent tears were streaming down Ginny’s cheeks now. "I could never, ever, hate you, Draco. I knew you wouldn’t break your promise. I knew you would come back to me." Ginny laughed sorrowfully through her tears, "Vanessa asks me all the time when her Daddy is coming home and that she misses you. She never forgot you, Draco, I made sure of it."

Draco covered his wife’s hand with his own. "I would have been lost without you. Let’s go home. We can pick ‘Nessa up on the way."

"Why don’t you go on home and I’ll get Vanessa and meet you there. I think it would be too much of a shock for the family if I picked her up with you instead of Hermione or just by myself."

Draco smiled.

"Wait a minute! What happened to Hermione? Was she in on this?"

Draco’s smile grew. He stood, went to Ginny, and helped her up, smiling all the time. Ginny kissed him softly on his lips.

"Remind me to thank her."

She’s just like her old man

Stronger than I am

Ginny picked Vanessa up from the Burrow and went home by floo, telling Vanessa that she had a surprise for her at home. She came out of the fireplace to find Vanessa chatting happily in Draco’s arms.

"- missed you so much! Oh Daddy! You should have seen it! Benny had a real Niffler! It was so cute! Can I have one?"

Draco laughed and caught Ginny’s eye. I love you, he mouthed.

I love you too.

Ginny marveled at how easy it seemed for Vanessa to just pick up with Draco where they left off.

If only I had the strength and innocence of a child.