Always Helpful Dobby

uvagirl

Rating: R
Genres: Romance, Humor
Relationships: Harry & Hermione
Book: Harry & Hermione, Books 1 - 5
Published: 19/04/2005
Last Updated: 19/04/2005
Status: completed

This begins as a kindly intended parody of the “late night snack” variety of light romance. As such, Harry and Hermione initially will be OOC, a rascal and a shrew respectively, but a very happy ending will result. Special warnings for sexual/anatomical innuendo and to food fetishists: sorry, but the pumpkin pie and whipped cream will be eaten only, with ordinary utensils, and will not be worn! ----------- ADDED BY FIC CO-ADMIN (gal-texter) in 2008: Please read this: http://talk.portkey.org/index.php?s=&showtopic=14633&view=findpost&p=237718

Chapters

1. untitled

1. untitled

Always Helpful Dobby

by uvagirl

A/N: This begins as a kindly intended parody of the "late night snack" variety of light romance. As such, Harry and Hermione initially will be OOC, a rascal and a shrew respectively, but a very happy and romantic ending will result. Special warnings for sexual/anatomical innuendo and to food fetishists: sorry, but the pumpkin pie and whipped cream will be eaten only, with ordinary utensils, and will not be worn!

Part 1: Bunnies, Puppies and Wands

~ Quivering Bunnies and Bulldog Puppies ~

The late autumn chill in the corridors of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry disappeared when Harry Potter and Hermione Granger entered the warm kitchen in search of a late-night snack. As Head Boy and Girl, they were among the very few students who could do so without violating the rules, but both of them could not help but to regard such excursions as being still somewhat guilty pleasures.

Hermione was intrigued by Harry’s earlier hints about some Very Important Subject that he wanted to discuss with her tonight. But, before either could speak, they were greeted by an overjoyed Dobby, the house-elf, who proceeded to give each of them a firm hug around the knees.

"Mr. Harry Potter, the kindest and greatest young wizard of all, has come to visit Dobby!" he exclaimed. "And, Dobby is honored even more by his bringing Miss Hermione Granger, the kindest and greatest young witch, and his girlfriend!"

"Hello, Dobby," replied Hermione.

"Uh, hi, Dobby," stumbled Harry.

"Dobby is not mistaken, is he, sir? Miss Hermione IS one of Harry Potter’s very best friends, and she IS a girl, is she not?"

"Ah, yeah, Hermione definitely is my friend, and she is a girl," said Harry.

"Gee, Harry, thanks for noticing and admitting it with such enthusiasm," Hermione muttered with mild sarcasm.

"Shut up," mumbled Harry, just softly enough that Hermione did not hear him clearly.

"What was that, Harry?" she asked.

"Er, I only said ‘what’s up’ to Dobby, my lovely rosebud," said Harry.

After the customary request for and provision of a snack, Dobby left them sitting at a table to enjoy, what else, pumpkin pie with whipped cream. When they finished, stood up, and seemed about to leave, Dobby returned quickly.

Then, he acted in a quite peculiar manner. First, he walked slowly around Hermione, staring at her backside as he did so. Next, he faced her and peered intently at her chest. Finally, he scratched his head, and with a quizzical expression on his face, he spoke.

"Dobby does not see Hermione Granger’s dogs or rabbits."

"WHAT?" Harry and Hermione chorused.

"Can Harry Potter explain some things to Dobby, please?"

"Possibly," answered Harry, with a puzzled look himself.

"A few days ago, Dobby overheard Harry Potter and his best wizard friend, Mr. Ron Wheezy, talking about Miss Hermione Granger’s body."

"Ah, sorry, Dobby, but we really do have to go now," Harry interrupted hastily, and he grabbed Hermione’s hand, tugged on it, and added, "don’t we, my gentle little dove?"

"Most certainly, we do NOT!" Hermione exclaimed, as she yanked back even harder, gave Harry a glare only slightly less potent than that of a basilisk, and turned to Dobby. "Please go on, Dobby. I’d LOVE to hear what Ron and Harry had to say about me and my body."

"Well, Ron Wheezy asked Harry Potter if he thought Miss Hermione really moved her ‘big bum’ a lot in bed, and he wondered how many of those ‘tiny puppies’ on her chest were in a pound," said Dobby proudly.

"Why, that insufferable heap of dragon dung! He’ll wish he’d never been born once I hex his worthless carcass under the lowest dungeon! He’ll have to get sunlight and air delivered by owl! He’ll – " Hermione began ranting, but Dobby interrupted her.

"Oh no, Miss Hermione, you have nothing to worry about at all! Harry Potter corrected Ron Wheezy’s mistakes right away, and he did so most forcefully!"

"Did he now?" Hermione asked sweetly. "This should be REALLY good. Please do continue," she added, and shot a venomous ‘don’t-even-think-about-it’ stare at Harry that stopped him in his tracks, as he started to try to tiptoe away.

"Harry Potter said that Hermione Granger has the most beautiful bum in all of Hogwarts!" said Dobby, garnering both a smile and a blush from Hermione.

However, both Hermione’s pleasure and Harry’s relief were short-lived, as Dobby continued.

"Harry Potter told Ron Wheezy that he knew this for certain, since for quite a while he had been observing most carefully many other witches’ bums, and he had handled personally several of the best ones! Harry Potter said that when Miss Hermione walks away, her bum looks just like two bulldog puppies wiggling under a blanket."

"WHAT?" Hermione yelled.

"Also, Harry Potter said that to him, quality was much more important than size, and that when he hugged Miss Hermione, her chest was a lovely pair of quivering bunnies," Dobby said.

"Oh, my goodness, Harry," said Hermione, her anger temporarily melting away. She smiled at him, blushed slightly again, and added, "that was a truly sweet thing for you to say!"

Unfortunately for Harry, Dobby chose to continue. "Then, Harry Potter added that whenever he managed to sneak a really good peek down Miss Hermione’s blouse, her ‘bunnies’ looked just fine to him!"

"Ooh! Been sneaking ‘really good peeks,’ have you!" said Hermione, with another baleful glare at Harry, and she added, "we WILL talk about THAT later!"

"Mr. Ron disagreed with Harry Potter," Dobby continued, "and he insisted that ‘bigguns,’ a word with which Dobby confesses his unfamiliarity, were the best. Ron Wheezy said that quaffle and melon-sized ones were great, that bludgers and very large grapefruits were okay, but that oranges, lemons, and eggs were too small, and that fried eggs were hopeless. But, if Harry Potter liked and preferred Miss Hermione’s fried eggs – "

"FRIED EGGS!" Hermione screeched. "Just wait! I’ll curse him so badly that when he’s on his next date, he’ll have to perform a ‘Petrificus’ spell on himself just to get it up!"

"Mr. Ron asked Mr. Harry if thought Miss Hermione was ‘a moaner’ or ‘a screamer’ in bed," Dobby went on, still undeterred by Hermione’s outbursts. "Mr. Harry said that he was certain that for any woman, it depended on just how much she had to scream about. He assured Mr. Ron that his ‘Little Harry’ was more than enough to make ‘a real screamer’ of Miss Hermione, since he had never had any complaints about him from any other witches."

"OTHER WITCHES! WHAT OTHER WITCHES?" Hermione began. Harry braced himself both for inevitable additional high decibel explosions, and for a very likely forthcoming physical or magical assault. But, just as Hermione took a very deep breath to reload and cocked her right arm, she was preempted by Dobby yet again.

"Dobby really was confused by these references to moaning and screaming by witches. It is Dobby’s experience that young WIZARDS make such noises the most, especially when they are alone in bed. In fact, Harry Potter himself moans and calls out to Miss Hermione every night before he goes to sleep and also whenever he takes a long shower."

Hermione hesitated, and she actually cracked a small smile in the direction of Harry, whose complexion was giving a new descriptive meaning to words such as "embarrassment" and "mortification." However, she remembered that she still was more than a little honked off, and she resumed looking daggers at Harry, only to exhale abruptly and to drop her arm when she heard Dobby’s next words.

"Dobby ALSO overheard Hermione Granger and her friends talking about Harry Potter."

~ Wizards’ Wands and a Bludger Bat ~

Both of them were speechless for several seconds. Hermione, regaining her wits first, broke the silence, but in a very subdued manner.

"Ah, perhaps you were correct, Harry. Maybe we should leave right now."

"Nope, no way!" said Harry, with a grin, and thinking, ‘as always, good old Dobby is a real lifesaver!’ Then, he added, "please continue, Dobby. I’D love to hear what Hermione and her gossip-mongering friends had to say about me."

"Misses Hermione Granger, Lavender Brown, Parvati Patil, and Ginny Wheezy were sitting together and conversing in the Gryffindor common room. At first, they were most professional in their discussion," said Dobby.

"What were they talking about?" asked Harry.

"They were talking about wands," said Dobby. "But, for some reason, they seemed to be concerned only about the wands of young wizards, most particularly regarding such technical details as their lengths, how thick and stiff they were, their durability, and the best ways for handling them. Dobby was shocked to learn that Miss Hermione Granger, the smartest student witch in all of Hogwarts, seemed to know much less about such matters than did the other three!"

"Is that so?" asked Harry, smiling at Hermione, and it was her turn to blush again.

"There was a difference of opinion regarding the wands of some wizards, and most particularly about that of Harry Potter," said Dobby. "Neither Miss Lavender nor Miss Parvati seemed to know very much about Harry Potter’s wand, in spite of their extensive knowledge about those of many other young wizards. But, Miss Ginny and Miss Hermione did know something about his wand, and Miss Hermione said that she was looking forward very much to the first time when she could polish it, and she wanted advice as to how to do it well."

Harry, with a slight blush himself, leered at Hermione, and this time, it was her facial coloration that was pushing the definitional envelope. Harry started to say something, but Dobby continued.

"When they heard this, Miss Lavender and Miss Parvati laughed really hard, and Miss Ginny told Miss Hermione that for any young wizard, there was no such thing as a ‘good’ or a ‘bad’ wand polishing. EVERY single one was ‘great,’ and she simply must take her word for it."

Harry was laughing now, and Hermione was trying hard to suppress a giggle.

"It was here that the subject under discussion changed, and things became even more confusing to Dobby. Ginny Wheezy said that during summer holidays when Harry Potter stayed at the Burrow, she had seen him asleep early some mornings, and that he had a ‘real bludger bat’ between his legs. Miss Lavender and Miss Parvati doubted her, but Miss Hermione confirmed that on several occasions when she had sat in Mr. Harry’s lap, there did indeed seem to be something not unlike a bludger bat pressing against her bulldog puppies."

Harry continued to guffaw, and in spite of her attempt to keep a straight face, Hermione could not help but to begin to laugh. Dobby then turned directly to Harry.

"I am afraid that Mr. Harry must correct Miss Hermione’s and her friends’ knowledge of the rules and proper play of Quidditch."

"How so?" asked Harry.

"Well, Dobby knows both that Harry Potter plays the position of seeker and that seekers do not have bludger bats. Dobby knows also that wizards and witches fly on brooms. But, Miss Hermione told her friends that very soon she hoped to ride Harry Potter’s bludger bat!"

"Did she really say that, Dobby?" asked Harry.

"Indeed, she did!" insisted Dobby. "When Misses Ginny, Lavender, and Parvati all expressed desires to take Harry Potter’s bludger bat on test rides themselves, Miss Hermione got quite angry with them! In fact, she told them that she hoped that one day she alone would play with and ride on Harry’s bludger bat every night!"

With raised eyebrows, Harry looked at Hermione, whose blushing almost impossibly had deepened, but she gave him a shy smile and nodded her head affirmatively.

"Well, Dobby, thanks both for the snack and for the enlightening information, but we really do have to go now," said Harry. To Hermione, he added, "shall we move to more comfortable surroundings and begin a lengthy and in-depth discussion concerning both cute little animals and a certain piece of Quidditch equipment?"

"Yes, I suppose so," said Hermione, with a dreamy expression. "Bye, Dobby."

~ I Solemnly Promise ~

As they were leaving, both of them with stars in their eyes and with unbridled desire in other locations of their bodies, Hermione turned to Harry. Before she could speak, Harry embraced and kissed her. She was so surprised that at first, she tensed up and started to push him away.

Then, she looked into his eyes, and wondered just how it was possible that simultaneously they could reflect innocence and lust, look so guileless and vulnerable, and be so damned beautiful. She would have been quite surprised to learn that Harry was thinking the same thing about her.

Enthusiastically, she returned Harry’s embrace and kiss, relaxing the stiffness in her body just as she first noticed a substantial amount of it occurring in a certain part of his.

She smiled to herself, ‘Hermione, you’ve known for quite a while that this was coming, and you’ve wanted it so desperately. Besides, it really will be the greatest possible early Christmas present for both of us, won’t it?’

"Okay, Mr. Harry Potter," she said, after breaking off the kiss and breathing heavily. "If very shortly we’re to become much more than good friends, then there will have to be some important ground rules in our new relationship."

"Anything for you, Hermione," replied Harry.

"From now on, you will be the only one to handle my ‘quivering bunnies’ and ‘bulldog puppies,’ and your ‘bludger bat’ will be my property exclusively," said Hermione.

"Of course, my little pumpkin flower," said Harry.

"The days of ‘Little Harry’ having adventures with ‘any other witches’ are over, period. Do you understand?"

"Absolutely, sweetie pie."

"I do not EVER want to catch you with any other woman."

"Hermione," said Harry, with the utmost sincerity, "I solemnly promise that you won’t catch me."

"Fine," said Hermione. "Wait a minute! What did you just say, EXACTLY?"

"Er, perhaps I should have worded it just a bit differently," said Harry, dodging a roundhouse swing by Hermione.

He caught her in his arms as she spun around off balance, kissed her again, and she pouted at him briefly. Then, she smiled and kissed him back.

As they left the kitchen, hand in hand and with knowing smiles, Dobby waved, scratched his head, and muttered out loud.

"Wizards and witches certainly are very strange. I sure hope that Harry Potter’s bludger bat gets along with Hermione Granger’s bunnies and puppies!"

Part 2: The Night Before and the Morning After

~ A Very Important Subject ~

Harry and Hermione ran down the dark hallways, and upon arriving at their semi-private quarters, they embraced and began kissing in the middle of their small common room.

With their lips never breaking apart, they began to pull off each other’s clothing. Then, quite abruptly, Harry broke away.

"Er, ah, Hermione," Harry said. "I, uh, need to say something."

"Yes, Harry?" she asked.

"About those ‘other witches,’ I was only fooling and pretending with Ron," Harry said, and he added, "there aren’t any, and there never have been."

"But, Harry, most of the witches in this school would love nothing more than to climb into your bed!" said Hermione. Then, she added in a subdued voice. "I . . . I . . . I assumed that some of them must have done so."

"But, Hermione, there’s only one who I’ve ever wanted and hoped would do so," replied Harry. "Every time that the opportunity arose with anyone else, I only saw who wasn’t there . . . if you get the meaning of that contradiction."

"So, you’re saying that you’ve never . . . you’re still . . . " Hermione asked.

"Yes," he confessed.

"Well, I guess that both of us will have to figure out just how everything fits and works together, won’t we?" she asked, smiling.

"We will, indeed," Harry agreed, "but it’s going to take a lot of experimentation and practice to get it perfect, isn’t it?"

"I must say that I’VE always enjoyed serious study and lots of homework," Hermione replied. "Do you think you could learn to do so, as well?"

"I’m sure that I can, with your help, of course," Harry smiled back. "But, it’s going take us quite a while."

"Oh, I don’t think so. How long do you think?" Hermione murmured.

"At least a lifetime," Harry answered, as he stepped back, took hold of Hermione’s hand, and slipped a ring on her finger.

For possibly the first time in her life, Hermione Granger was speechless. All she could do was to stare at the round diamond. In purely objective terms, she saw an ordinary gold band on which the gem was mounted, but emotionally and personally, it was the most beautiful thing she ever had laid eyes upon. She began to cry softly.

"Uh, this is the subject that I wanted to talk about, before we got sort of sidetracked by Dobby," Harry said. "If you’re not sure, or if you want to wait, or even if you don’t like the ring – it is rather plain, I know – then we could – "

Harry was interrupted by Hermione, who grabbed his head with both hands, pulled it down, and kissed him.

"Hermione," Harry said, when she released him, "will you mar—"

This time, Hermione planted a full-throttle ‘tonsil tickler’ on Harry, and only after severe oxygen deprivation threatened did they break it off.

"Yes, yes, YES, of course, YES!" Hermione blurted out, in answer to Harry’s not quite completed question.

"Great!" said Harry. "I guess this means that you’re not too angry with me, and that my face, family jewels, and life are safe from any angry disapproval by you?"

"Well," said a smiling Hermione, "your life certainly is safe with me, but I have serious and immediate plans for certain parts of the rest of you! Let’s go climb into your bed . . . RIGHT NOW!"

~ The Morning after the Night Before ~

The next morning in the Great Hall, breakfast was notable for the conspicuously empty seats normally occupied by Harry Potter and Hermione Granger. Everywhere, the conversations seemed to be dominated by speculation as to the cause of their absences.

At the Gryffindor table, Ron Weasley was sitting in his usual place, near Ginny, Lavender, and Parvati, and directly across from those two very empty seats, usually occupied by his best friends. While he had resigned himself early in the school year to the inevitable, which possibly had occurred last night, or worse, might be happening at this very moment, still, he was a little glum.

Then, from high up in the vaulted ceiling, Harry’s owl Hedwig zoomed down toward the Gryffindor table, headed straight to Ginny, and dropped a small folded piece of parchment into her hands.

"What is this?" said Ginny, as she unfolded the note, read its brief message in Hermione’s handwriting, and got a shocked expression on her face. "He actually did it," she exclaimed, breaking into a huge grin. "He did it! He did it! He did it!"

"What are you going on about?" asked Parvati.

"HARRY’S PROPOSED TO HERMIONE!" screamed Ginny, in a voice loud enough to be heard throughout the Great Hall, if not in the entire school, in the neighboring town of Hogsmeade, and possibly in half of Scotland as well. Bouncing up and down, she added, "THEY’RE ENGAGED!"

After the fourth or fifth sickening "Ooh, I wonder just what’s keeping the lovebirds!" from Lavender, Ron could not contain himself.

"Bloody hell!" he blurted, "they’re probably shagging this very second!"

"RONALD WEASLEY! How dare you say such a vulgar thing!" Ginny answered, in a truly frightening spot-on impression of their Mum, both in tone and in volume. Turning to the giggling Lavender and Parvati, she added, with no small amount of excitement, "do you suppose they are? I hope he’s being gentle with her!"

Ron tuned out the babble around him, but then he brightened considerably, upon seeing a certain lovely Ravenclaw witch looking his way. Luna Lovegood was more than merely looking at him; she was staring intently. AND, she was inserting a forefinger deeply into her mouth between her pursed lips. He thought, ‘speaking of shagging, and certain wonderful other activities possible with a caring couple, I wonder if Luna and I went back to my dorm right now, would we have enough time before class – ’

At the Slytherin table, Draco Malfoy was a bit glum, as well. On general principles, he was against anything that might bring happiness either to Scar-head Potty or to his Mudblood friend, Little Miss Know-it-all.

He consoled himself by contemplating a hypothetical conversation of theirs during their recent "engagement," in the more physical sense of that word. Draco wondered how many times last night had Hermione informed Harry that ‘you’re doing it WRONG!’ and he smiled at the prospect of their future wedding and subsequent marriage. ‘Undoubtedly, it will be a double ring ceremony, with one for her finger, and the other for his nose!’

‘Ah, well,’ he thought, ‘Granger definitely is not my type, in spite of that admittedly outstanding posterior of hers. I prefer a considerably more ambitiously proportioned upper front on a woman . . . not unlike that on the youngest Weasley over there, which looked truly delectable when she and it were bouncing up and down in excitement over the happy news.’ Draco promised himself that he would talk with Ginny as soon as Big Brother Weasel safely was out of view and earshot.

~ Lucky ~

Professor McGonagall was concerned about the absent Head Boy and Girl, notwithstanding both Ginny’s message and Headmaster Dumbledore’s twinkle-eyed and smug assurance to her that he was certain that Harry and Hermione were doing just fine.

After breakfast, she left quickly and made her way to their sleeping quarters. She crossed the small common sitting room, approached the bedroom of the Head Girl, and eased the door open. She peeked inside and saw neither Hermione nor a slept-in bed.

Turning to the other bedroom door, she opened it slowly, and was greeted with the sight of Harry and Hermione, in bed together and sound asleep. And, both of them were unclothed and uncovered by any sheet or blanket.

Hermione was on her back, and Harry was next to her on his side, with a hand cupping the side of one of her small breasts. What could be seen of their faces, cheek to cheek under a tangle of black and brown hair, revealed two smiles, including the widest one of Harry’s that McGonagall ever had seen.

She thought that they looked just like a pair of angels, and she reflected that only six years ago, the no longer innocent young man and woman had been such small children. ‘Harry Potter, I hope you realize just how lucky you are to find happiness with such a wonderful young lady,’ McGonagall thought. Then, recalling Dumbledore, she wondered just how on earth the old goat possibly could have known.

As she started to back away, Harry rolled over in his sleep and onto his back, revealing much more of his anatomy to McGonagall's view. She gasped, and covered her mouth with her hand quickly to avoid waking them.

With quite a wide smile herself, Professor McGonagall closed the door and left. ‘Yes,’ she thought, ‘Harry Potter is a lucky young man, and Hermione Granger is a very, very, very, VERY lucky young woman!’

The End