Always Helpful Dobby by uvagirl

Rating: R
Genres: Romance, Humor
Relationships: Harry & Hermione
Book: Harry & Hermione, Books 1 - 5
Published: 19/04/2005
Last Updated: 19/04/2005
Status: Completed

This begins as a kindly intended parody of the “late night snack” variety of light romance. As
such, Harry and Hermione initially will be OOC, a rascal and a shrew respectively, but a very happy
ending will result. Special warnings for sexual/anatomical innuendo and to food fetishists: sorry,
but the pumpkin pie and whipped cream will be eaten only, with ordinary utensils, and will not be
worn! ----------- ADDED BY FIC CO-ADMIN (gal-texter) in 2008: Please read this:
http://talk.portkey.org/index.php?s=&showtopic=14633&view=findpost&p=237718




1. untitled
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**Always Helpful Dobby**

by uvagirl

A/N: This begins as a kindly intended parody of the "late night snack" variety of
light romance. As such, Harry and Hermione initially will be OOC, a rascal and a shrew
respectively, but a very happy and romantic ending will result. Special warnings for
sexual/anatomical innuendo and to food fetishists: sorry, but the pumpkin pie and whipped cream
will be eaten only, with ordinary utensils, and will not be worn!

**Part 1: Bunnies, Puppies and Wands**

*~ Quivering Bunnies and Bulldog Puppies ~*

The late autumn chill in the corridors of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry disappeared
when Harry Potter and Hermione Granger entered the warm kitchen in search of a late-night snack. As
Head Boy and Girl, they were among the very few students who could do so without violating the
rules, but both of them could not help but to regard such excursions as being still somewhat guilty
pleasures.

Hermione was intrigued by Harry’s earlier hints about some Very Important Subject that he wanted
to discuss with her tonight. But, before either could speak, they were greeted by an overjoyed
Dobby, the house-elf, who proceeded to give each of them a firm hug around the knees.

"Mr. Harry Potter, the kindest and greatest young wizard of all, has come to visit
Dobby!" he exclaimed. "And, Dobby is honored even more by his bringing Miss Hermione
Granger, the kindest and greatest young witch, and his girlfriend!"

"Hello, Dobby," replied Hermione.

"Uh, hi, Dobby," stumbled Harry.

"Dobby is not mistaken, is he, sir? Miss Hermione IS one of Harry Potter’s very best
friends, and she IS a girl, is she not?"

"Ah, yeah, Hermione definitely is my friend, and she is a girl," said Harry.

"Gee, Harry, thanks for noticing and admitting it with such enthusiasm," Hermione
muttered with mild sarcasm.

"Shut up," mumbled Harry, just softly enough that Hermione did not hear him
clearly.

"What was that, Harry?" she asked.

"Er, I only said ‘what’s up’ to Dobby, my lovely rosebud," said Harry.

After the customary request for and provision of a snack, Dobby left them sitting at a table to
enjoy, what else, pumpkin pie with whipped cream. When they finished, stood up, and seemed about to
leave, Dobby returned quickly.

Then, he acted in a quite peculiar manner. First, he walked slowly around Hermione, staring at
her backside as he did so. Next, he faced her and peered intently at her chest. Finally, he
scratched his head, and with a quizzical expression on his face, he spoke.

"Dobby does not see Hermione Granger’s dogs or rabbits."

"WHAT?" Harry and Hermione chorused.

"Can Harry Potter explain some things to Dobby, please?"

"Possibly," answered Harry, with a puzzled look himself.

"A few days ago, Dobby overheard Harry Potter and his best wizard friend, Mr. Ron Wheezy,
talking about Miss Hermione Granger’s body."

"Ah, sorry, Dobby, but we really do have to go now," Harry interrupted hastily, and he
grabbed Hermione’s hand, tugged on it, and added, "don’t we, my gentle little dove?"

"Most certainly, we do NOT!" Hermione exclaimed, as she yanked back even harder, gave
Harry a glare only slightly less potent than that of a basilisk, and turned to Dobby. "Please
go on, Dobby. I’d LOVE to hear what Ron and Harry had to say about me and my body."

"Well, Ron Wheezy asked Harry Potter if he thought Miss Hermione really moved her ‘big bum’
a lot in bed, and he wondered how many of those ‘tiny puppies’ on her chest were in a pound,"
said Dobby proudly.

"Why, that insufferable heap of dragon dung! He’ll wish he’d never been born once I hex his
worthless carcass under the lowest dungeon! He’ll have to get sunlight and air delivered by owl!
He’ll – " Hermione began ranting, but Dobby interrupted her.

"Oh no, Miss Hermione, you have nothing to worry about at all! Harry Potter corrected Ron
Wheezy’s mistakes right away, and he did so most forcefully!"

"Did he now?" Hermione asked sweetly. "This should be REALLY good. Please do
continue," she added, and shot a venomous ‘don’t-even-think-about-it’ stare at Harry that
stopped him in his tracks, as he started to try to tiptoe away.

"Harry Potter said that Hermione Granger has the most beautiful bum in all of
Hogwarts!" said Dobby, garnering both a smile and a blush from Hermione.

However, both Hermione’s pleasure and Harry’s relief were short-lived, as Dobby continued.

"Harry Potter told Ron Wheezy that he knew this for certain, since for quite a while he had
been observing most carefully many other witches’ bums, and he had handled personally several of
the best ones! Harry Potter said that when Miss Hermione walks away, her bum looks just like two
bulldog puppies wiggling under a blanket."

"WHAT?" Hermione yelled.

"Also, Harry Potter said that to him, quality was much more important than size, and that
when he hugged Miss Hermione, her chest was a lovely pair of quivering bunnies," Dobby
said.

"Oh, my goodness, Harry," said Hermione, her anger temporarily melting away. She
smiled at him, blushed slightly again, and added, "that was a truly sweet thing for you to
say!"

Unfortunately for Harry, Dobby chose to continue. "Then, Harry Potter added that whenever
he managed to sneak a really good peek down Miss Hermione’s blouse, her ‘bunnies’ looked just fine
to him!"

"Ooh! Been sneaking ‘really good peeks,’ have you!" said Hermione, with another
baleful glare at Harry, and she added, "we WILL talk about THAT later!"

"Mr. Ron disagreed with Harry Potter," Dobby continued, "and he insisted that
‘bigguns,’ a word with which Dobby confesses his unfamiliarity, were the best. Ron Wheezy said that
quaffle and melon-sized ones were great, that bludgers and very large grapefruits were okay, but
that oranges, lemons, and eggs were too small, and that fried eggs were hopeless. But, if Harry
Potter liked and preferred Miss Hermione’s fried eggs – "

"FRIED EGGS!" Hermione screeched. "Just wait! I’ll curse him so badly that when
he’s on his next date, he’ll have to perform a *‘Petrificus*’ spell on himself just to get it
up!"

"Mr. Ron asked Mr. Harry if thought Miss Hermione was ‘a moaner’ or ‘a screamer’ in
bed," Dobby went on, still undeterred by Hermione’s outbursts. "Mr. Harry said that he
was certain that for any woman, it depended on just how much she had to scream about. He assured
Mr. Ron that his ‘Little Harry’ was more than enough to make ‘a real screamer’ of Miss Hermione,
since he had never had any complaints about him from any other witches."

"OTHER WITCHES! WHAT OTHER WITCHES?" Hermione began. Harry braced himself both for
inevitable additional high decibel explosions, and for a very likely forthcoming physical or
magical assault. But, just as Hermione took a very deep breath to reload and cocked her right arm,
she was preempted by Dobby yet again.

"Dobby really was confused by these references to moaning and screaming by witches. It is
Dobby’s experience that young WIZARDS make such noises the most, especially when they are alone in
bed. In fact, Harry Potter himself moans and calls out to Miss Hermione every night before he goes
to sleep and also whenever he takes a long shower."

Hermione hesitated, and she actually cracked a small smile in the direction of Harry, whose
complexion was giving a new descriptive meaning to words such as "embarrassment" and
"mortification." However, she remembered that she still was more than a little honked
off, and she resumed looking daggers at Harry, only to exhale abruptly and to drop her arm when she
heard Dobby’s next words.

"Dobby ALSO overheard Hermione Granger and her friends talking about Harry
Potter."

*~ Wizards’ Wands and a Bludger Bat ~*

Both of them were speechless for several seconds. Hermione, regaining her wits first, broke the
silence, but in a very subdued manner.

"Ah, perhaps you were correct, Harry. Maybe we should leave right now."

"Nope, no way!" said Harry, with a grin, and thinking, *‘as always, good old Dobby
is a real lifesaver!*’ Then, he added, "please continue, Dobby. I’D love to hear what
Hermione and her gossip-mongering friends had to say about me."

"Misses Hermione Granger, Lavender Brown, Parvati Patil, and Ginny Wheezy were sitting
together and conversing in the Gryffindor common room. At first, they were most professional in
their discussion," said Dobby.

"What were they talking about?" asked Harry.

"They were talking about wands," said Dobby. "But, for some reason, they seemed
to be concerned only about the wands of young wizards, most particularly regarding such technical
details as their lengths, how thick and stiff they were, their durability, and the best ways for
handling them. Dobby was shocked to learn that Miss Hermione Granger, the smartest student witch in
all of Hogwarts, seemed to know much less about such matters than did the other three!"

"Is that so?" asked Harry, smiling at Hermione, and it was her turn to blush
again.

"There was a difference of opinion regarding the wands of some wizards, and most
particularly about that of Harry Potter," said Dobby. "Neither Miss Lavender nor Miss
Parvati seemed to know very much about Harry Potter’s wand, in spite of their extensive knowledge
about those of many other young wizards. But, Miss Ginny and Miss Hermione did know something about
his wand, and Miss Hermione said that she was looking forward very much to the first time when she
could polish it, and she wanted advice as to how to do it well."

Harry, with a slight blush himself, leered at Hermione, and this time, it was her facial
coloration that was pushing the definitional envelope. Harry started to say something, but Dobby
continued.

"When they heard this, Miss Lavender and Miss Parvati laughed really hard, and Miss Ginny
told Miss Hermione that for any young wizard, there was no such thing as a ‘good’ or a ‘bad’ wand
polishing. EVERY single one was ‘great,’ and she simply must take her word for it."

Harry was laughing now, and Hermione was trying hard to suppress a giggle.

"It was here that the subject under discussion changed, and things became even more
confusing to Dobby. Ginny Wheezy said that during summer holidays when Harry Potter stayed at the
Burrow, she had seen him asleep early some mornings, and that he had a ‘real bludger bat’ between
his legs. Miss Lavender and Miss Parvati doubted her, but Miss Hermione confirmed that on several
occasions when she had sat in Mr. Harry’s lap, there did indeed seem to be something not unlike a
bludger bat pressing against her bulldog puppies."

Harry continued to guffaw, and in spite of her attempt to keep a straight face, Hermione could
not help but to begin to laugh. Dobby then turned directly to Harry.

"I am afraid that Mr. Harry must correct Miss Hermione’s and her friends’ knowledge of the
rules and proper play of Quidditch."

"How so?" asked Harry.

"Well, Dobby knows both that Harry Potter plays the position of seeker and that seekers do
not have bludger bats. Dobby knows also that wizards and witches fly on brooms. But, Miss Hermione
told her friends that very soon she hoped to ride Harry Potter’s bludger bat!"

"Did she really say that, Dobby?" asked Harry.

"Indeed, she did!" insisted Dobby. "When Misses Ginny, Lavender, and Parvati all
expressed desires to take Harry Potter’s bludger bat on test rides themselves, Miss Hermione got
quite angry with them! In fact, she told them that she hoped that one day she alone would play with
and ride on Harry’s bludger bat every night!"

With raised eyebrows, Harry looked at Hermione, whose blushing almost impossibly had deepened,
but she gave him a shy smile and nodded her head affirmatively.

"Well, Dobby, thanks both for the snack and for the enlightening information, but we really
do have to go now," said Harry. To Hermione, he added, "shall we move to more comfortable
surroundings and begin a lengthy and in-depth discussion concerning both cute little animals and a
certain piece of Quidditch equipment?"

"Yes, I suppose so," said Hermione, with a dreamy expression. "Bye,
Dobby."

*~ I Solemnly Promise ~*

As they were leaving, both of them with stars in their eyes and with unbridled desire in other
locations of their bodies, Hermione turned to Harry. Before she could speak, Harry embraced and
kissed her. She was so surprised that at first, she tensed up and started to push him away.

Then, she looked into his eyes, and wondered just how it was possible that simultaneously they
could reflect innocence and lust, look so guileless and vulnerable, and be so damned beautiful. She
would have been quite surprised to learn that Harry was thinking the same thing about her.

Enthusiastically, she returned Harry’s embrace and kiss, relaxing the stiffness in her body just
as she first noticed a substantial amount of it occurring in a certain part of his.

She smiled to herself, *‘Hermione, you’ve known for quite a while that this was coming, and
you’ve wanted it so desperately. Besides, it really will be the greatest possible early Christmas
present for both of us, won’t it?’*

"Okay, Mr. Harry Potter," she said, after breaking off the kiss and breathing heavily.
"If very shortly we’re to become much more than good friends, then there will have to be some
important ground rules in our new relationship."

"Anything for you, Hermione," replied Harry.

"From now on, you will be the only one to handle my ‘quivering bunnies’ and ‘bulldog
puppies,’ and your ‘bludger bat’ will be my property exclusively," said Hermione.

"Of course, my little pumpkin flower," said Harry.

"The days of ‘Little Harry’ having adventures with ‘any other witches’ are over, period. Do
you understand?"

"Absolutely, sweetie pie."

"I do not EVER want to catch you with any other woman."

"Hermione," said Harry, with the utmost sincerity, "I solemnly promise that you
won’t catch me."

"Fine," said Hermione. "Wait a minute! What did you just say, EXACTLY?"

"Er, perhaps I should have worded it just a bit differently," said Harry, dodging a
roundhouse swing by Hermione.

He caught her in his arms as she spun around off balance, kissed her again, and she pouted at
him briefly. Then, she smiled and kissed him back.

As they left the kitchen, hand in hand and with knowing smiles, Dobby waved, scratched his head,
and muttered out loud.

"Wizards and witches certainly are very strange. I sure hope that Harry Potter’s bludger
bat gets along with Hermione Granger’s bunnies and puppies!"

**Part 2: The Night Before and the Morning After**

*~ A Very Important Subject ~*

Harry and Hermione ran down the dark hallways, and upon arriving at their semi-private quarters,
they embraced and began kissing in the middle of their small common room.

With their lips never breaking apart, they began to pull off each other’s clothing. Then, quite
abruptly, Harry broke away.

"Er, ah, Hermione," Harry said. "I, uh, need to say something."

"Yes, Harry?" she asked.

"About those ‘other witches,’ I was only fooling and pretending with Ron," Harry said,
and he added, "there aren’t any, and there never have been."

"But, Harry, most of the witches in this school would love nothing more than to climb into
your bed!" said Hermione. Then, she added in a subdued voice. "I . . . I . . . I assumed
that some of them must have done so."

"But, Hermione, there’s only one who I’ve ever wanted and hoped would do so," replied
Harry. "Every time that the opportunity arose with anyone else, I only saw who wasn’t there .
. . if you get the meaning of that contradiction."

"So, you’re saying that you’ve never . . . you’re still . . . " Hermione asked.

"Yes," he confessed.

"Well, I guess that both of us will have to figure out just how everything fits and works
together, won’t we?" she asked, smiling.

"We will, indeed," Harry agreed, "but it’s going to take a lot of experimentation
and practice to get it perfect, isn’t it?"

"I must say that I’VE always enjoyed serious study and lots of homework," Hermione
replied. "Do you think you could learn to do so, as well?"

"I’m sure that I can, with your help, of course," Harry smiled back. "But, it’s
going take us quite a while."

"Oh, I don’t think so. How long do you think?" Hermione murmured.

"At least a lifetime," Harry answered, as he stepped back, took hold of Hermione’s
hand, and slipped a ring on her finger.

For possibly the first time in her life, Hermione Granger was speechless. All she could do was
to stare at the round diamond. In purely objective terms, she saw an ordinary gold band on which
the gem was mounted, but emotionally and personally, it was the most beautiful thing she ever had
laid eyes upon. She began to cry softly.

"Uh, this is the subject that I wanted to talk about, before we got sort of sidetracked by
Dobby," Harry said. "If you’re not sure, or if you want to wait, or even if you don’t
like the ring – it is rather plain, I know – then we could – "

Harry was interrupted by Hermione, who grabbed his head with both hands, pulled it down, and
kissed him.

"Hermione," Harry said, when she released him, "will you mar—"

This time, Hermione planted a full-throttle ‘tonsil tickler’ on Harry, and only after severe
oxygen deprivation threatened did they break it off.

"Yes, yes, YES, of course, YES!" Hermione blurted out, in answer to Harry’s not quite
completed question.

"Great!" said Harry. "I guess this means that you’re not too angry with me, and
that my face, family jewels, and life are safe from any angry disapproval by you?"

"Well," said a smiling Hermione, "your life certainly is safe with me, but I have
serious and immediate plans for certain parts of the rest of you! Let’s go climb into your bed . .
. RIGHT NOW!"

*~ The Morning after the Night Before ~*

The next morning in the Great Hall, breakfast was notable for the conspicuously empty seats
normally occupied by Harry Potter and Hermione Granger. Everywhere, the conversations seemed to be
dominated by speculation as to the cause of their absences.

At the Gryffindor table, Ron Weasley was sitting in his usual place, near Ginny, Lavender, and
Parvati, and directly across from those two very empty seats, usually occupied by his best friends.
While he had resigned himself early in the school year to the inevitable, which possibly had
occurred last night, or worse, might be happening at this very moment, still, he was a little
glum.

Then, from high up in the vaulted ceiling, Harry’s owl Hedwig zoomed down toward the Gryffindor
table, headed straight to Ginny, and dropped a small folded piece of parchment into her hands.

"What is this?" said Ginny, as she unfolded the note, read its brief message in
Hermione’s handwriting, and got a shocked expression on her face. "He actually did it,"
she exclaimed, breaking into a huge grin. "He did it! He did it! He did it!"

"What are you going on about?" asked Parvati.

"HARRY’S PROPOSED TO HERMIONE!" screamed Ginny, in a voice loud enough to be heard
throughout the Great Hall, if not in the entire school, in the neighboring town of Hogsmeade, and
possibly in half of Scotland as well. Bouncing up and down, she added, "THEY’RE
ENGAGED!"

After the fourth or fifth sickening "Ooh, I wonder just what’s keeping the lovebirds!"
from Lavender, Ron could not contain himself.

"Bloody hell!" he blurted, "they’re probably shagging this very second!"

"RONALD WEASLEY! How dare you say such a vulgar thing!" Ginny answered, in a truly
frightening spot-on impression of their Mum, both in tone and in volume. Turning to the giggling
Lavender and Parvati, she added, with no small amount of excitement, "do you suppose they are?
I hope he’s being gentle with her!"

Ron tuned out the babble around him, but then he brightened considerably, upon seeing a certain
lovely Ravenclaw witch looking his way. Luna Lovegood was more than merely looking at him; she was
staring intently. AND, she was inserting a forefinger deeply into her mouth between her pursed
lips. He thought, *‘speaking of shagging, and certain wonderful other activities possible with a
caring couple, I wonder if Luna and I went back to my dorm right now, would we have enough time
before class – ’*

At the Slytherin table, Draco Malfoy was a bit glum, as well. On general principles, he was
against anything that might bring happiness either to Scar-head Potty or to his Mudblood friend,
Little Miss Know-it-all.

He consoled himself by contemplating a hypothetical conversation of theirs during their recent
"engagement," in the more physical sense of that word. Draco wondered how many times last
night had Hermione informed Harry that *‘you’re doing it WRONG!’* and he smiled at the
prospect of their future wedding and subsequent marriage. *‘Undoubtedly, it will be a double ring
ceremony, with one for her finger, and the other for his nose!’*

*‘Ah, well,’* he thought, *‘Granger definitely is not my type, in spite of that
admittedly outstanding posterior of hers. I prefer a considerably more ambitiously proportioned
upper front on a woman . . . not unlike that on the youngest Weasley over there, which looked truly
delectable when she and it were bouncing up and down in excitement over the happy news.’* Draco
promised himself that he would talk with Ginny as soon as Big Brother Weasel safely was out of view
and earshot.

*~ Lucky ~*

Professor McGonagall was concerned about the absent Head Boy and Girl, notwithstanding both
Ginny’s message and Headmaster Dumbledore’s twinkle-eyed and smug assurance to her that he was
certain that Harry and Hermione were doing just fine.

After breakfast, she left quickly and made her way to their sleeping quarters. She crossed the
small common sitting room, approached the bedroom of the Head Girl, and eased the door open. She
peeked inside and saw neither Hermione nor a slept-in bed.

Turning to the other bedroom door, she opened it slowly, and was greeted with the sight of Harry
and Hermione, in bed together and sound asleep. And, both of them were unclothed and uncovered by
any sheet or blanket.

Hermione was on her back, and Harry was next to her on his side, with a hand cupping the side of
one of her small breasts. What could be seen of their faces, cheek to cheek under a tangle of black
and brown hair, revealed two smiles, including the widest one of Harry’s that McGonagall ever had
seen.

She thought that they looked just like a pair of angels, and she reflected that only six years
ago, the no longer innocent young man and woman had been such small children. *‘Harry Potter, I
hope you realize just how lucky you are to find happiness with such a wonderful young lady,’*
McGonagall thought. Then, recalling Dumbledore, she wondered just how on earth the old goat
possibly could have known.

As she started to back away, Harry rolled over in his sleep and onto his back, revealing much
more of his anatomy to McGonagall's view. She gasped, and covered her mouth with her hand
quickly to avoid waking them.

With quite a wide smile herself, Professor McGonagall closed the door and left. *‘Yes,’*
she thought, *‘Harry Potter is a lucky young man, and Hermione Granger is a very, very, very,
VERY lucky young woman!’*

**The End**