1. Chapter One: Of Lies and Shagging

A/N: Hey everyone. WHOOT! Back for round three! Yippee…alright, I'll be posting both censored and uncensored chapters here, so there you go. I was going to just do it in livejournal, but unfortunately, the posts are much to long and I would have to have about four per chapter…I don't \have the patience. So here it is: on Portkey. Now—that does not mean I've converted to H/Hr, Ron/Luna, or D/G.

Title: Lust…or Love?
Author: Sarinileni
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. Not at all. In the slightest.

Mature Subject Matter
Chapter 1: Of Lies and Shagging
Date Begun: Tuesday, June 1, 2004
Date Finished: Tuesday, June 1, 2004
Date Posted: Wednesday, April 22, 2005

Oh what a tangled web we weave,
When first we practise to deceive!

Sir Walter Scott (1771 - 1832), Marmion, Canto vi. Stanza 17.

……

“Shift over a bit, Lils.”

Lily complied and moved over to make more room for Vincent in the closet. He resumed snogging her, this time pushing her up against the door. Lily felt the rough texture of the wood scratch her bare shoulder and opened her eyes, seeing Vince's nose and his pale lashes. Her eyes shifted to the side, where her shirt had slid from her shoulder and was handing halfway down her arm.

“Mmm,” she mumbled after a moment, pulling away. “It's getting late. I'm tired.”

He glared, disappointed. “Come on, Lily—“

“Vince,” she said teasingly, running a hand up his arm. He growled and leaned forward to kiss her again. “Stop!”

He laughed, coldly amused, making her shiver. Occasionally he could do that. “Why do we need to stop, Lily, hmm?”

“Well, you've got to get down to the Slytherin common room and I've got to walk all the way up to Gryffindor!”

Vincent snorted, showing his low tolerance for most Gryffindors. Lily hit him on the arm and pressed her ear against the closet door. The action exposed her neck and Vincent took the opportunity to kiss it. She hunched up her shoulders at the tickling and opened the door quietly, pulling her shirt up her shoulder as she did so.

They crept slowly into the hallway. They came together for one more quick kiss goodnight, which turned into another all out snogging session, this time in the open. Lily broke away again and smiled sweetly, sauntering down the hallway and pressing herself into the shadowy corners. It would not do to be caught by Filch. As soon as she turned the corner she dropped her swaying, upbeat walk and slumped against the wall, simply resting for a moment.

She was exhausted. She was sick and altogether tired of play-acting for Vince and catering to his whims. If she had anyone else to go to she would leave him in a moment.

A noise down the hall startled her and she looked up, her hand going immediately to her wand. She saw nothing and she looked around wildly, knowing not to let it go. If she heard something, she heard something, and therefore something was there. There was no allowance for mistakes when wizards like Voldemort were beginning to gain power and overshadow the wizarding world.

A rustling sound came from behind her and she gasped, trying to turn but hitting something solid. Light, cool, silvery fabric fell over her face, smoothing her hair down and pressing it against her mouth.

“Merlin. Stupid, you're going to lose the lead I got for winning against Slytherin.”

Lily squirmed and James Potter let go of her, grabbing her wrist to keep her from leaving the sanctity of his cloak, although why it was so special she did not know.

“Are you trying to get us caught?” he hissed, pulled her back towards him. “Filch just passed me!”

“Potter—“

“Sh!”

In any romantic comedy he would have clamped his hand over her mouth and she would have realized her undying love when his touch sent sparks through her body. Instead, he settled for yanking a section of her hair and pressing his other hand against her neck so she could hardly breathe. Lily tried not to choke as Filch turned the corner and headed straight for them. To her abject surprise, he passed right by them, muttering about James Potter and—and knickers?

They waited until he could no longer be heard and then James let go of her neck. He pulled off the cloak and touched his hair ruefully. “What are you doing up, Evans?” he asked after a moment of uncomfortable silence. “Gallivanting around with Malfoy?”

Lily stiffened and glared at him. “It's none of your business what I do with Vince—”

“Don't say his name, please,” James rejoined tartly. “And it is my business when you walk around the halls alone at three in the morning. It's not safe, even in the castle. And—as Head Boy—I'm rather honor bound to protect the students.”

She gave him a withering look and turned on her heel, heading back to Gryffindor Tower. “You know,” she called back, turning to face him with her arms crossed, “as Head Girl, I have the right to not be protected by the likes of you. I don't really need your protection, and there's nothing to be afraid of.” She turned from him again and did not hear him make a reply.

All the same, she stayed in the shadows and did not feel completely safe until she was back in Gryffindor Tower, with the chill of the December night chased away by the fire.

……

Lily Evans was considered a bit of a joke in Gryffindor. This probably had everything to do with the fact that she was dating a Slytherin, Vincent Malfoy, and nothing to do with the fact that she did not like her housemates very much.

Vincent Malfoy had first asked Lily out in her sixth year, and, as she found out later, on a bet. She had been disinclined to get mad at him or be bothered by the fact that her first date had been based on a dare, and this had apparently piqued Vince's interest. The rest, as they say, is history. Despite the fact that Lily was Muggle-born, and Vince was wildly opposed to the mixing of pure and dirty blood, he was dating her.

It was the most insane arrangement. Lily herself had not been sure of it to begin with, but here she was, after a year's relationship with Vince Malfoy, the first anniversary of which was coming up in a month. Even James Potter and Remus Lupin had tried to talk her out of dating Vince, but James had fancied her at the time and Remus was a rather strange boy, so she did not heed their advice.

She was quite happy she hadn't.

Vince wasn't the nicest or most noble boyfriend, but he was magnetic. Everything about him pulled her in; he overwhelmed her, and sometimes not in the best way. Sometimes, the feelings she got around Vince would clutch her heart so hard she could barely breathe. He never stopped; he never waited, everything moved quickly.

And yet…they had not slept together.

There was no denying Lily's physical attraction to Vince. While sometimes he sickened her with his views on people lacking pure-blood, and even though his laugh scared her, she could not help but want him to touch her. She was probably the only person in her year who was still a virgin, and while she really had no qualms about losing her virginity, she still had waited. She always wondered what that meant. Did it mean that secretly she wanted to remain a virgin? Did it mean that quite possibly, she did not think Vince was the right person for her to be with?

Lately, Vince had been pressuring her. She reckoned she was about to cave, despite the fact that she thought her feelings for Vince were changing. Lately, when he touched her…she felt nothing. There was no rush of excitement, no infusion of passion. She knew she had to run with what she had, but she could not help but think that the relationship was going to fail.

Lily woke the morning after her escapade and stretched like a cat, flopping down on her bed and sighing. It was the day before Vince was supposed to leave, because the Christmas Holidays began the following day. Lily was staying at Hogwarts this year; her parents had gone to Sweden and Lily had begged off, mostly because she did not want to watch her sister and Vernon making googly eyes at each other.

Lily rolled over and dropped to the floor, lying there for a moment and gaining a look from Elizabeth, the girl in the bed next to hers. She got up with a groan and trudged into the shower, letting the steaming hot water dissipate her aches. Her first class of the day was Potions, which, while she had it with the Slytherins, who respected her slightly because she was dating Vince, was ruined because she was partnered with Sirius Black. It was, however, the last day of their two-week long partnership.

She got out of the shower and stepped into her skirt and pulled on her school shirt, shrugging into her robes and trooping down to breakfast. She brushed past James Potter, who made a chilling remark, and rolled her eyes. She sat down at breakfast alone, reading the Daily Prophet and steadily demolishing a piece of toast with a small amount of butter on it. She frowned at the latest attack on Muggles and set the paper down with a sigh. The bell rang, signaling the beginning of class.

The potions dungeon was freezing and she pulled on her dragon hide gloves, her teeth chattering. She waited for Vince in between the two clusters of students, one of Gryffindors, and the other of Slytherins.

He finally appeared, his blond hair windswept and his clear blue eyes especially sharp. “Good morning, Lily,” he said formally, leaning over to give her a kiss on the cheek. Professor Hamilton opened the door and they stepped into the dungeon, taking their seats. Lily avoided looking at Sirius and instead stared at the board, where a set of instructions for the Photograph Developing Potion were written. She turned to Sirius and frowned.

“Something wrong, my darling lovely house-traitor?” he asked good-naturedly.

Lily could not help but smile. For some inexplicable reason, being teased by Sirius about betraying her house did not bother her. This was probably because he himself had betrayed his own family by being sorted into Gryffindor. Lily had learned this from his younger brother, Regulus, who was a year younger than Sirius and Lily herself. Regulus was the only sixth year Slytherin she ever spoke to, albeit with clipped words, because their exchanges were normally caustic and biting.

“Nothing's wrong,” she responded, sounding like a frigid bitch. “This potion's just hard and I'd rather not suffer through it with you.”

“Touché,” Sirius said acidly. “If it's any consolation, I don't want to work with you either. I'd much rather work with Prongs—that is, James.”

Lily raised an eyebrow. “That buffoon?”

“Yes, that buffoon, who is, as you well know, Head Boy to your Head Girl,” Sirius pointed out, gathering ingredients and beginning to slice them. He started the heat below their cauldron and filled it halfway with water. He threw in sliced marigold roots and then added a large handful of belladonna, following it with a beozoar to counteract the poison.

Lily rolled her eyes and glanced at James, frowning. He was most patiently helping his potions partner, Elizabeth, slice her roots—and Elizabeth was not even that pretty.

She must be putting out, then, Lily thought, ignoring Potter and turning back to her potion.

……

“Why won't you shag me, Lily?”

Lily sighed tiredly. “Not this again, Vince.”

“Answer me,” he snapped, and she glared at him.

“Don't talk to me like that,” she retorted, rolling up her finished Transfiguration essay and sliding it into her bag. He almost always got short with her when this subject came up. Normally he apologized, but today he just waited impatiently for a response. Lily took her time.

“I never said I wasn't going to `shag you', as you so eloquently put it,” she said, settling back in her chair.

Vince kicked at her chair leg. “Well you're waiting a bloody long time.”

Lily merely zipped up her bag and began to clean her quill.

“Are you still a virgin? Merlin and Agrippa, Lily! I knew you were a prude, but to still be a virgin at seventeen…are you just embarrassed?”

“I'm not a virgin,” Lily heard herself reply, lying through her teeth. “I'm just as experienced as you are! Just…not as much of a whore.”

He took no offense. They both knew the number of girls he had shagged and abandoned was higher than the number of candles on Lily's mother's last birthday cake. “You're not a virgin?” he asked incredulously. “Who'd you lose it to? When?”

Lily rolled her eyes. “That isn't important,” she said loftily. “If you must know, it was on the train last year. And for the rest of September after that.”

“And who was it?” he questioned angrily. “I'm going to go blow his bloody head off for touching you—”

Who to say, who to say? Lily thought, looking around the nearly empty library. Someone Vince never talked to, someone she hardly spoke to—whom to pin the loss of her virginity on?

“Potter,” Lily blurted out desperately, catching sight of him in the corner with his friends. “It was Potter, and it was before we went out.”

“Potter?” he asked incredulously. “That prat?'

“It was just sex,” she said dismissively, inwardly wailing. Stupid, stupid stupid! How was she going to explain her way out of this one?

“So you're pretty experienced then,” he said slyly. “Potter's worse than I am when it comes to being a whore.”

“Yes,” Lily replied, keeping her voice even. Ohshitohshitohshitohshitohshit!....

“So…tonight we can…?”

“After the hols,” Lily said quickly. “That way…we don't have to wait to do it again. Since you know…we're both so good at this and we'll just miss each other if we shag tonight.”

Vince raised an eyebrow and Lily winced as Sirius Black let out a loud laugh. Vince heard him and turned, a malicious grin slowly taken over her face. Lily knew he didn't believe her, but he wouldn't actually go up to Potter and ask—would he?

Vince began to move towards their table. Lily gasped and stood, but in an instant Vince was at James's table and the four previously laughing boys had gone silent. Lily hurried up behind him and motioned towards James, trying to get his attention. He looked at her and frowned.

“Your girlfriend is having spasms,” he said coldly, leaning back in his chair. “It's disturbing.”

Lily made a face at him and stopped her jumping jacks.

“Is Lily a good shag?” Vince asked suddenly, and Potter gaped and made a quick movement, then promptly fell out of his chair. The other three boys just stared at him.

“What are you—?” Sirius began, but Lily stomped on his foot and he shut up.

“Potter, I asked you a question. Since you decided it would be okay to shag my girlfriend on a train last year—is she any good?”

James struggled to get up from the floor, staring at Lily like he had never seen her before. She nodded her head and he threw her an exasperated look, giving the slightest shake.

Oh, God…I'm so fucking screwed!

He opened his mouth and then shut it, staring at Lily's dejected expression. “Er…she's great.”

Lily stared. Sirius stared. Remus gaped. Peter squeaked.

“Great sex,” Potter said coolly after he regained his poise, his eyes flicking from Lily to Vince. “Amazing sex, in fact.”

Vince smiled icily and turned away in a flurry of black robes, ignoring Lily, who was staring at James, gobsmacked.

The four boys stared at Lily, who gulped and stared defiantly back.

“All right, Evans,” said James hotly, standing up and pressing his hands flat onto the table, his eyes blazing. “What the flying fuck was that?”

Oh, hell. What did I just get myself into?

……

I've officially left fanfiction.net. This is where I'm posting this now…but after our new site is up, I'll be posting over there. Really, it's going to be AMAZING. For updates on what's going on and new about how the site is going, visit:

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Join the community, read the intros, introduce yourself—remember to FLOCK!...

--Sarina

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3. Chapter Three: Of Sirius and Slipups

Title: Lust…or Love?
Author: Sarinileni
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. Not at all. In the slightest.

Mature Subject Matter
Chapter 3: Of Sirius and Slipups
Date Begun: Wednesday, June 2, 2004
Date Finished: Thursday, June 3, 2004
Date Posted: Wednesday, April 22, 2005

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.

Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)

……

Recap:

“Do we have a deal, then?” she said, lifting her chin and meeting his eyes, feeling like she was looking at the devil incarnate.

The slightest smile touched his lips. “We do.”

Lily reached out her hand…and he shook it.

……

Lily had never seen what was wrong with still being a virgin. The more she thought about it, the more sure she was of her sexual state of being. Her body was her own, and if people did not want to accept her because she had not had sex yet…then that was their problem. Lily knew that the moment had not come, and she was truly fine with that.

Then again, it was not okay to be a virgin if one told her boyfriend that she wasn't.

Lily was hastily throwing things in her trunk. She had set out most of her homework and she hoped to finish it before she left, but she could always throw it in at the last minute if she wanted. Her roommates watched her hasty movements with raised eyebrows and surprise, although Lily tried her best to ignore them.

“Aren't…you staying here for the holidays?” a girl, Rebecca, hesitantly asked.

Lily shrugged and frowned, wondering why she didn't have enough space in her trunk for her clothes.

“I heard a rumor that you're going to Potter's,” added Mary, the seventh year Gryffindor floozy. She was kind to her friends but she was an incredible bitch to Lily, although Lily did not know why. She suspected it had something to do with the fact that James had bestowed his affections on her for the past few years and not Mary. Mary had most probably been hurt, considering the fact that she was extremely pretty and at the top of most of the “Hottest” lists that adorned the walls of the boys' loos. Not having James was something of a sore point for her. It was hard for Lily to admit that Mary had a soul at all, but she had seen her doing nice things for her companions.

“Oh, they always have the best Christmas parties,” sighed Elizabeth.

“I'm not going to Potter's,” Lily said quickly. “I'm going to my parents', but I'm going day later.”

Before her roommates could ask why, Lily dived at her trunk and pulled out her copy of Hogwarts: A History. She threw it on her bed and began to thrust knickers and bras into her trunk. Satisfied that she was finished, she sat down and began her holiday homework and ignored the three girls until they left, speaking amongst themselves.

She looked up a few hours later and set her quill aside with a sigh. She had finished both her Transfiguration and her Potions essays and had begun her Defense worksheet. All that was left was an essay in Herbology, one in History of Magic, and some questions for Care of Magical Creatures. There was nothing for Astronomy, Arithmancy, or Ancient Runes.

She set her completed work aside and put the rest in her trunk to do over the holidays. She lay down in her bed and looked up at the canopy, sighing.

What was sex like, anyhow?

She knew it would be uncomfortable—that much she had picked up from the girls in her dorm—but she also knew that they thought it was wonderful. Why else would they do anything possible for it?

Suddenly, the door opened quietly and she held her breath. She fumbled for her wand and inwardly cursed when she could not find it. The footsteps were too heavy for her roommates and besides, they would not sneak around. She grabbed the nearest thing—a box on her night table—and sat up and pulled the curtains aside, hurling the box in the direction of the noises.

Damn Potter and his Quidditch reflexes. He jumped to the side and the box missed him, hitting a lamp full force and breaking it. It immediately fixed itself, but it was no less embarrassing. James shot her a look and then went over and picked up the offending object. Lily's mouth opened in embarrassment as he examined the box of tampons.

“Give those back!” she cried, and he flung them at her immediately. She ducked and they hit the wall behind her and fell to the bed. She covered the box with her pillow and hastily stood. “What is it? How did you get up here?”

“I shook the right railing,” he said cryptically. “Merlin, do you ever come down to the common room? I've been waiting there for an hour!”

“I never come down,” she said with a sweet smile. “I'm so sorry you had to wait.”

He growled—actually growled—and then shook his head. “I'm just telling you that I'm staying here and we're taking the Knight Bus together. Dumbledore said you shouldn't go alone because you're Muggleborn—“

“You asked Dumbledore? Did you say why I'm going with you?”

James stared at her. “Let's think, Evans. `Hello, Professor. Do you think Lily could come over to my house instead of staying here because I need to teach her how to fuck Malfoy?'”

Lily winced. “Good point.”

He shook his head. “So that's it, okay?”

She shrugged. “Fine. Go, before one of my roommates comes in and flips out.”

He shrugged as well. “As long as it isn't Mary.” He paused, almost as if remembering something. He gave a mock shudder and then sent a cheeky grin her way, tipping an imaginary hat to her before walking jauntily out of her room.

Lily rolled her eyes. She truly did not understand him.

……

Lily sat at the breakfast table the following morning, dim and early, consuming toast smeared with honey in large amounts. She was on her third slice and counting when she felt a hand on her shoulder. She swallowed, wiped her mouth, and looked up. It was Vince.

She blinked and went back to her toast.

“Lily?”

“Sorry,” she said, not looking up from her Defense worksheet, “but my boyfriend never comes over to this table, and he's never awake at seven. You must be someone else.” She reached for her orange juice and took a large swallow, then stared at the glass.

Yum. Freshly squeezed.

“I don't want you going near fucking Potter ever again,” he said, squeezing her shoulder hard.

Unfortunately, Lily had just taken a large gulp of the fresh juice, and even more unfortunately, James Potter had just slid into the seat across from her. At the mention of his name in collaboration with the sight of him, and even further, the word `fucking' used near James's name, she spit out her juice across the table.

Because her life was a soap opera, she only managed to spray Potter, and missed Black, Lupin, and Pettigrew, who had just come up behind James.

“Ew,” James said after a moment, before taking off his glasses and blinking at her. “It's early. I'm going to go shower again.”

He got up and left the table. Lupin slid into his seat. “Malfoy,” he said darkly. “Anything in particular you're doing here?”

Vince did not even deign to answer him. He just looked down at Lily. “You hear me? Stay away from him, or we're through.”

Her heart skipped a beat in fear but then she shrugged coolly. “Fine with me. I don't have any desire to be near him anyway.”

Vince turned and went back to his own table.

“To be near who?” Black asked.

Lily went back to her worksheet without answering. She finished it half an hour before the bell rang and set down her quill, blowing on the ink to dry it. Sirius stared at her.

“You…really do your homework?”

Lily made an exasperated sound and reached for her Care of Magical Creatures work.

Halfway through the first questions, Sirius interrupted her. “Why did Mary have a little lamb?”

She looked up and saw that the seats surrounding them were empty. Most people had left to get ready for their classes. “What did you say?

“Why did Mary have a little lamb?”

“Why did Mary—Black, where did you hear that rhyme?”

He did not answer, but posed another question. “You know how we get milk from cows?”

Lily decided to be brave. “Yeah…?”

“Well, why'd we start getting milk from cows? I mean, did some explorer man suddenly say, `Hey, I think I'll go squeeze the pink dangly things under that black and white animal, and then I'll drink what comes out'--?”

Bravery was overrated.

Lily went back to her questions. She finished two before Sirius asked her something again.

“Are zebras black with white stripes—“

“Shut up!”

“—or white with black stripes?”

Lily ignored him.

“Why does lipstick always come off?”

“I don't care.”

She finished the third, but her handwriting was getting progressively messier. There was only one more left.

“What do you call male ballerinas?”

“I don't care.”

She scratched out an answer to the last question, almost ripping through the parchment with the force of her writing.

“If you're in hell and you get hacked off with someone, where do you tell them to go?”

“I don't—Black, I don't know!”

“But do you ever wonder—“

“God, I'm so glad you're not coming to Potter's too,” Lily burst out, and then immediately clapped a hand over her mouth. “Wait! Black…”

Sirius was staring at her as if he had never seen her before. “Do you mean…my Potter? James?”

Lily shook her head vigorously and looked around to make sure no one else had heard.

“You do!” Sirius cried. “You're taking the mickey! You wouldn't go to James's house!”

“I'm not—“

“You have ten seconds to meet me in the broom closet in the Entrance Hall,” Sirius said quietly, standing up and leaning in close. “Go.”

Lily frowned. “Are you trying to be intimidating?”

He was intimidating, but she could not let him know that. She would be ruined.

Sirius reached out a hand and pinched her arm.

“Ow!”

“I'm not afraid to hit girls either, especially if they're bitchy,” Sirius smirked.

Lily got up and walked out of the Great Hall. Instead of going into the broom closet she stood just outside the doors and waited for him. He came out two minutes later and grabbed her arm, hauling her down the corridor.

Lily dug her heels in and held, but he just dragged her along further and she stumbled and almost fell flat on her face. She gritted her teeth and was all set to slap him, but they stopped walking in front of an alcove and he raised an eyebrow at her. “Is there anything you'd like to tell me?” he asked sweetly.

Lily shook her head fiercely.

“Really?” he asked, taking a menacing step forward. “I think there is. Are you really going to James's for the holidays?”

She glared at him, keeping silent.

“Don't screw with my best friend, Evans,” Black hissed, bringing his face close to hers. “You mess him up, and I'll get you back.”

Lily opened her mouth furiously, but running footsteps down the hall stopped her from speaking. They both turned and looked out into the corridor.

“Sirius? Evans?”

“We're here, Potter,” Lily said after a moment of silence.

“Thank Merlin,” he gasped, moving towards them and pushing them hard against the wall. He pulled something out and shoved it at Lily. “Cover yourself with that. Malfoy's coming—he heard that you're coming to my house and saw you leave with Sirius. Honestly, you could be more careful—

Lily rolled her eyes and pulled the cloak over her head. She twitched it to make sure nothing showed—assuming it would keep her invisible. Sirius stepped out into the hall and he and James began a casual conversation about Quidditch.

“Black! Where's my girlfriend?”

Sirius turned slowly, taking something out of his pocket and handing it to James without Vince seeing.

“I don't know.”

“You walked out of the Hall with her. What're you two up to?”

Even James looked genuinely startled. “Aren't you being a little controlling?”

Vince sneered. “Shut up, pretty boy.” He turned back to Sirius. “So?”

“She just wanted to give me some potions notes,” Sirius said.

“Give them to me.”

Lily stifled a gasp. Honestly. Vince was too full of himself sometimes.

“What? I don't have to show you anything. And I forgive you for asking.”

“I'm serious, Black. I want to see them. Give them to me.”

Sirius grabbed a sheaf of paper from James, and suddenly Lily realized that James had just performed split second transfiguration.

“This isn't any of your business. I'm not showing them to you, you worm. And your girlfriend headed for the main doors” Black hissed, turning on his heel and disappearing. Potter still stood there, staring at Vince as if he was from another planet.

“Seriously—Lily Evans lets you treat her like that? Even I knew not to be that overprotective when I was fifteen, stupid, and in love with her.”

Vince raised an eyebrow. “Oh? And who's the one dating her?”

He pushed past James and disappeared around the corner. James stood there and then turned to the alcove. He snatched the cloak off of Lily and then set off briskly down the hall, furious, leaving Lily staring after him, wordless and angry.

……

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4. Chapter Four: Of Kisses and Tears

Title: Lust…or Love?
Author: Sarinileni
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. Not at all. In the slightest.

Mature Subject Matter
Chapter 4: Of Kisses and Tears
Date Begun: Sunday, June 6, 2004
Date Finished: Sunday, June 6, 2004
Date Posted: Wednesday, April 22, 2005

Let tears flow of their own accord: their flowing is not inconsistent with inward peace and harmony.

Seneca (5 BC - 65 AD)

……

Recap:

“I'm serious, Black. I want to see them. Give them to me.”

Sirius grabbed a sheaf of paper from James, and suddenly Lily realized that James had just performed split second transfiguration.

“Seriously—Lily Evans lets you treat her like that? Even I knew not to be that overprotective when I was fifteen, stupid, and in love with her.”

Vince raised an eyebrow. “Oh? And who's the one dating her?”

……

Lily met Potter in the Great Hall the next evening, successfully having avoided Vince before he left the previous morning, and also having avoided Black. She had stayed in her room all day today, except for a trip down to the kitchens for some food. It was strange being here when no one else was—it was almost nice in a way. Lily had never liked large crowds, and she found that the emptiness of Hogwarts castle suited her well. She liked to hear her footsteps echo as she walked down a corridor, liked feeling as if she was the only person in the world. Obviously, there were still some students in the castle, but not enough to bother her.

“All ready?” James asked briskly as he caught sight of her with her traveling case. He had his trunk, magically reduced to a smaller size, sitting on the floor next to him.

Lily nodded, frowning. He was obviously pretending as if the previous day had not happened, and she would just go along with it, because she did not have the energy to contest him.

“…fifteen, stupid, and in love with her…”

Lily shut her mind to the thought and walked beside him down to Hogsmeade. He had been exaggerating—he had not been in love with her. He had only fancied her. She was going to stop obsessing over it, right at this very instant. There was no reason for James to still fancy her; she had made sure of that. He must have stopped sometime after she had started dating Vince. It was partly her reason for accepting Vince's Hogsmeade invitation to begin with.

“Don't get scared,” he said over his shoulder to her as they stopped on High Street. He held out his wand hand and Lily jumped and let out a little shriek as a large, hulking, two story bus appeared before them with the loudest sound she had ever heard. Knight Bus was written on the windshield in curly handwriting.

Lily smacked him upside the head. “You bastard,” she raged. “You could have warned me.”

James rubbed the back of his head and glared at her, turning back to the man in the front of the bus.

“I'm Stan,” he said, a strange accent coming out with his words. “You comin' on?” he peered closer. “Well, innit James Potter?”

James nodded. “Two mugs of hot chocolate and two toothbrushes please,” he said, giving Stan a handful of silver coins. Lily's teeth were chattering and James was shivering. “This is Lily.”

“Welcome aboard,” Stan said, stepping aside and letting Lily and James board. He took Lily's traveling case and James's trunk and led them through the aisle between the lines of beds, most of which were full. He led them up the stairs and to the empty top floor. “You two could use some privacy,” he said, with a wink, his cockney accent bowling Lily over.

Lily said nothing, setting her trunk down on the bed and snapping it open. Stan said something about his newborn son and she heard James offer congratulations. There was a beat and Lily realized that she should say something, but she simply looked at Stand and gave him a forced smile. Stan's expectant, proud grin melted off his face. Lily continued to stare and James suddenly said, “Thanks, Stan. We'll call you if we need anything. We need to get up to Godric's Hollow. You know where that is?”

Stan nodded. “That'll be a long one. We gotta lot of stops tonight. You just make yourselves comfortable because you'll be spending the night.” He went downstairs. James turned and fixed Lily with an angry stare.

“What'd you do that for? You didn't have to be such a bitch.”

Lily shrugged. She had no answer for him, and felt a shameful blush creep up her neck.

James threw his trunk down on a bed and un-shrunk it. He took out a shirt and a pair of pants and slammed the lid. “I'm changing,” he said flatly, turning away from her and pulling off his robes. Lily watched with badly disguised interest as he ripped his shirt over his head and pulled on a looser one. He hesitated, almost as if knowing she was watching, and then began to take off his pants.

Lily finally turned away, her face red, and reached into her own traveling case. She took out the clothes she wore at night—a loose pair of pants and a sleeveless top. She also pulled out a jumper. She donned the clothes turned around to find James watching her.

“Were you watching me?” she demanded needlessly.

He shrugged. “Embarrassed, Evans?”

She shrugged back. “I suppose. Wouldn't you be?”

He nodded. “I'll give you that…but if you're going to have me shag you, you might as well let me watch you change.”

Lily opened her mouth in outrage but Stan appeared with the hot chocolate and a pair of toothbrushes. He handed one mug to James and then one to Lily without meeting her eyes.

“Thanks,” she said grudgingly. Stan mumbled something and bolted. Lily sipped the hot chocolate and sighed, wrapping her hands around the mug and draining it. The warm feeling it caused stayed with her.

A sink appeared between their beds and Lily once again marveled at the wonders of magic. She picked up her toothbrush and ran some water over it, then looked around for toothpaste. All of a sudden, she saw toothpaste in a deep purple color appear on the brush. Shrugging her shoulders, she began to brush her teeth and saw James come up behind her, doing the same.

She spit out a wad of foam and rinsed her mouth, then the toothbrush, setting it aside. She moved aside for James and busied herself with getting ready for bed—anything to occupy her hands. She brushed her hair and was halfway through tying it back when she felt James's hands on hers.

She froze.

Slowly, James tied her hair back. She touched the ponytail and stifled a laugh. It felt like it was going to fall out any second.

“You shouldn't do hair,” she remarked idly.

“Don't you think,” he said softly, ignoring her comment, “that we should get started?”

Lily squeaked. Oh, God…

James leaned over and looked at her strangely. “Evans…did you just squeak?”

“Well—“

“Why did you just squeak?”

“You got really close,” she said defensively. “You touched my hair!”

James came to stand in front of her and closed his eyes. “Oh, dear Merlin. We're not going to get anywhere.”

“Well…it's not like I'm used to you touching me,” she snapped. “You've never gotten that close to me.”

He smirked and leaned closer until his nose was only a centimeter away from hers. “Get used to it,” he said, and then he kissed her.

Lily kissed him back hard and he pulled away. “Stop—” he began, looking at her strangely. “Just…go slowly. He'll start off slow.”

“How do you know?” she asked, genuinely curious and slightly stung. She doubted the word slow when linked with sex was even in Vince's vocabulary.

He shrugged. “It's always better when it starts slow, I guess. And Malfoy'll definitely know that.”

Lily frowned, doubtful, but then James leaned forward and kissed her again. Lily tried to slow down but felt herself rushing. He pulled away again and looked at her, exasperated. “You're irritating, you know that?”

Lily crossed her arms over her chest and glared at him.

“Look,” he said, pressing a hand against her shoulder and urging her back against the headboard. It was cold against her skin and she shivered. “Just don't kiss me back for a moment. Go with me on this one—this way you'll see how slow I'm going. Just follow my lead.”

Lily, not one to follow anyone's lead, least of all a boy's, least of all James Potter's, frowned. Nevertheless, she nodded and uncrossed her arms.

His mouth brushed lightly over hers, giving her the slightest impression of soft lips before disappearing. He pressed his mouth against hers gently, instigating a shallow kiss that was achingly slow. After a second, Lily matched her lips to his and brought her hands up and into his hair.

This was actually rather nice. Vince had never kissed her like this.

His tongue traced a line over her upper lip and then he broke away, taking shallow little breaths. “That's good,” he whispered. “Very good.”

This time their lips met with an intimacy that came from absolutely nowhere and from everywhere at the same time. The kiss was hesitant for only a second, and then James's hand traveled up to cradle her head and he plunged his tongue into her mouth with a ferocity she had not foreseen.

They slid down until they were lying on the bed together, his body covering hers completely. They stopped kissing to breathe and James pressed a kiss to her cheekbone. He kissed a small line along her jaw and down her neck. He pulled away briefly and tore her jumper over her head. One of his warm hands eased inside her shirt and around her back, leaving a trail of fire where his skin touched hers. He brought his other hand down and unhooked her bra, sliding one of his hands underneath her bra and leaving the other pressed against her back as he kissed her again.

Lily tensed. She had never let Vince touch her under her bra—only above it. James had reached that point—the point where she had gone, but gone no further. She didn't know whether to stop him and tell him that this is where things got fuzzy, or to just let him continue with what he was doing. It felt wonderful, there was no doubt about that, but it was so new to her. There had been few chances for her and Vince to get so far, thank God, due to time and drama and circumstances Lily had no control over. Seldom had she had to make a choice.

Then again, she was here to shag James, and that was that.

James seemed to sense her hesitation, because he stopped kissing her and brought his mouth up to her ear. “I'm not going to hurt you,” he whispered roughly. “Just keep on kissing me—I mean him. Don't stop kissing him, even if you get scared, because then you can hide it. Okay?”

Lily nodded, half asleep from the gruff sound of his voice in her ear.

His hand covered her breast, and Lily heard a low moan emit from somewhere far away.

Was that me?

Instinctively she parted her legs and he settled heavily in between them, still kissing her. Lily slid her hands down his arms and up again, feeling something warm beginning to rise in the pit of her stomach. She felt tingly all over—she felt faint and strange—and she didn't know what to do about this unfamiliar feeling. With Vince it was more urgent—more frenzied, as if she was trying to get it over with as quickly as possible.

James untied the drawstring of her pants—and then they fell of the bed as the bus stopped with a loud BANG and a huge lurch. Lily landed on top of James on the floor, her face inches from his, breathing heavily. Her hair came loose from its badly crafted ponytail and formed a curtain around their faces. For just a second, something flickered in his warm eyes—something strangely like affection—but then it was gone.

They heard people disembarking from below. Lily stared at him, wide eyed, and imperceptibly leaned forward, ready to kiss him again.

He began to laugh. “Oh…Merlin…that was funny.”

Lily didn't find much funny about it, but she forced out a little laugh as well and rolled off of him, lying flat on the floor. She tried to bring her breathing back to a normal speed but found she could not do it right away.

“I didn't mean to scare you or anything,” he said tentatively, after the bus had begun to move again with a sickening lurch.

“You didn't,” she answered shortly.

“Well then…you suppose we should go to sleep?”

Lily shrugged lazily. “Sure.”

James got up from the floor and held out a hand to help her up. She studiously ignored him and stood herself, dusting off her pants and brushing past him to get to her bed.

He caught her wrist and slid his hand up her arm. “Don't get short with me, Evans,” he warned, drawing circles on her upper arm and send shocks down her spine. “You asked me to do this—so I'm doing it.”

She nodded, strangely close to tears.

“Good,” he said, his voice less harsh, and he let go of her arm. Utterly spent, she crawled into her bed and pulled the covers up against the chill of the evening. She did not have the energy to find her discarded jumper.

“Goodnight,” he said.

Lily did not respond. She pulled off her bra and let it drop to the floor so it did not bother her anymore. The first sob came unexpectedly, but was mercifully silent. She wiped her eyes and curled up in a ball, staring at the wall as the lights dimmed and they sped through the English countryside, and she cried simply for no reason at all.

……

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5. Chapter Five: Of Questions and Quiet Love

Title: Lust…or Love?
Author: Sarinileni
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. Not at all. In the slightest.

Mature Subject Matter
Chapter 5: Of Questions and Quiet Love
Date Begun: Sunday, June 6, 2004
Date Finished: Sunday, June 6, 2004
Date Posted: Wednesday, April 22, 2005

It's hard to describe a relationship like theirs to people, because most of us were raised to think love is fire, passion, and prolonged bouts of giddiness and strained emotions. The quieter kind of love looks kinda boring on the surface, even cool-hearted. Nobody wants that at first. Some people never learn how wonderful it is to be friends with a lover or spouse, to know that here is someone you can be yourself around, and they will love you anyway, sometimes not in spite of your worse characteristics, but because of them. That kind of lover will stay with you through thick and thin, will make you feel valued always, and will make any disastrous occasion seem less so because you are with that person.

--Tamora Pierce, on why Alanna chose George instead of Jon.

……

Recap:

She nodded, strangely close to tears.

“Goodnight,” he said.

……

He was kissing her more roughly than he had the previous night. His hands slid under her shirt and he undid her bra—easily and with no hesitation whatsoever. Lily lifted herself off the bed slightly to make it easier for him and she shivered.

“James…” she said softly, for the first time in her life calling him by his first name. His hair was a delightful texture in her hands, messy and altogether irresistible.

The kisses stopped. “What did you call me?”

Lily's eyes shot open and she saw James—whose hair was slowly turning blond and settling into order, whose frame was lengthening slightly and becoming less lean. Last, his glasses disappeared and his eyes became a cold blue. “V-Vince?”

“Yeah,” he growled. “Why did you just say Potter's name?”

Lily stared at him, wide eyed. What was he doing here?

He reached out his hands and grabbed her, shaking her hard by the shoulders. “ANSWER ME!” he roared.

“S-s-stop,” she stuttered out.

“Lily,” he hissed, but it was James's voice, not Vince's. “Lily! Wake up!”

Lily woke with a gasp, as she always did when startled, and rolled over, her arms flailing. She hit something solid and heard a pained “Oof!” somewhere to her right. She looked around wildly and struggled to sit up. Her eyes finally focused on Potter, who was sitting on the floor.

"Did you just call me Lily?" she asked incredulously. “I don't think you've ever done that before.”

He frowned. “Well you said `James' in your sleep, so I figured I'd return the favor.”

Lily refused to be embarrassed.

“Evans…” he said hesitantly, and Lily wryly noted that he had returned to her surname. “Has Malfoy ever hit you?”

She threw her toothbrush (the only thing she could find) at him. It missed him by three feet—even though he was only sitting two feet in front of her—and he raised his eyebrows. “If Vince ever dared to lift a finger against me—I'd dump him on his arse so fast he'd have a bruise for a month. That is, if I can find him with my nonexistent aiming skills.”

James stared at her blankly. “So you saying his name and telling him to stop in that scared little voice while I was shaking you was just…”

“Subconscious hatred towards you,” she answered sweetly. “I was just dreaming of him, that's all.”

“And saying my name?” he asked, his eyebrows going up even more.

Bastard, Lily thought.

“Fuck you,” she said out loud. “I can say whatever I want in my sleep.”

James shrugged. “Suit yourself. We're almost there. I'd say we've got about five minutes.”

Just then, the bus stopped with a BANG and James grabbed the headboard. Lily, however, was not so practical and she flew off her bed again, hitting the floor with a thump and whacking James hard in the stomach. He doubled over and groaned.

The bus began to move again. “Next stop, Godric's Hollow!” Stan's voice said, reaching them easily up the stairs. “Five minutes up there!”

Lily looked around to make sure no one else was on the top floor. There was only one man snoring away in another bed. All the other beds had been converted to large, squashy armchairs.

She brushed her teeth and changed while James did the same. They were packed and ready to go only two minutes later, Lily having skirted around him to avoid contact. James merely smirked at that.

“Okay. So you're just a sad friend of mine who can't go home for the holidays. That's it. That's the story. My parents won't be home all that much because they work for the ministry, so we'll mostly have the house to ourselves until Sirius comes. Are you staying for both weeks?”

Lily nodded. Her parents were not home and while she loved being at Hogwarts with so few people, she did not relish being home alone for a week.

“That's fine. We've got the annual Holiday party we host for the Ministry, of course, so if you don't have anything to wear we'll find something. It's very possible Malfoy will be there, actually.”

Lily shifted. Having James and Vince in the same room with her was uncomfortable enough when she had not slept with Potter. By New Year's Eve, she would have. Her excuse for being there would have to be perfect and sensible, or Vince would murder her and hide her body in the snow.

“And—Evans…if you both can't wait—leave my house before you shag. I don't want him naked anywhere near the vicinity of normal people—least of all me—” James face contorted into the most amusing expression Lily had ever seen. It almost made her chuckle, but she caught herself because James could not be allowed to say things like that about her boyfriend.

“Shut up,” she said firmly.

She felt the bus slowing down and grabbed onto James who looked at her in surprise and latched his hands around the headboard again. The stop was especially bumpy, and while Lily was fine, James hit the headboard hard and the metal cut into his forehead, just above his eyebrow.

Lily made a sound of annoyance as they got to their feet, spotting the blood. “You're hopeless,” she said, and he made a face at her, gingerly touching the cut.

“Happens all the time,” he said ruefully. “My mother will fix it for me.”

They got off the bus and James led her up a walkway lined with pretty flowers (magical, probably) that shone out against the white snow. Their destination was a modest two-story house with dark blue shutters and cream clapboarding. He tapped the door with his wand and the tip glowed bright blue. James pocketed it and opened the door.

“I'm here!” he called loudly. “I've brought a friend!”

“You didn't tell them I was coming?” Lily hissed, her face flushing. To have his parents look at her and not want her there, ruining their holiday…

James flapped a hand at her carelessly. “They won't mind.”

Lily heard quick footsteps on the stairs and a brown-haired woman appeared. She spotted James and threw herself at him. James steadied her and laughed, kissing her on the cheek. “Hi, Mum.”

James's mother was youthful. She was thin—almost too thin, as if she had recently been sick, and her face was rather pale. She had James's eyes. There was nothing extraordinarily pretty about her; in fact, she was rather plain, but she shined with confidence that made her seem ten times more beautiful than she was. Lily was shocked by James's affection. She could not picture him being affectionate with anybody.

Unless he was snogging them on a bed. That was affectionate.

“Well,” James's mum said, looking up at her son, who was about four inches taller than her. “You're bleeding. Hit your head on one of those iron headboards, again?”

James winced. “As always. Mum, this is Lily Evans. She's my friend and she's staying with us.”

James's mother raised her eyebrows and the resemblance between her and her son was uncanny. “James has never brought a girl home,” she said with a hint of a smile, leaning forward and hugging Lily as well. Lily felt awkward; the only person who had ever hugged her were her parents—and her father not even that often.

“Mum,” James said, rolling his eyes. “Evans is just a friend.”

“Evans, is it?” his mother asked, confused.

“Well, call her Lily. I call her Evans. She calls me Potter. We've got sort of a love/hate thing going—as in platonic love, Mum, don't give me that look!” he said exasperatedly.

“Well, Lily,” James's mother said, turning to her with a nice smile. “call me Bee—short for Sabia. I'm Irish,” she said, by way of explanation. She looked at Lily's red hair and freckles. “Are you Irish?”

Lily nodded. “My dad's Irish. He caused quite a stir when he married my from-a-good-family English mother.”

Mrs. Potter laughed. “Of course. Well, let's get you set up in a room!”

She led Lily upstairs to a long hallway that could not possibly fit in the house as it looked from outside. She opened a door and Lily set her travelling case down inside, catching her breath. It was done in varying shades of blue, all beautiful, all relaxing. A gorgeous mirror with an etched design hung over a dresser with a vase of fresh flowers on it. “It's wonderful.”

Mrs. Potter beamed. “Oh, come downstairs. James's father should be home any minute.” She led Lily back downstairs and into a kitchen painted in green and white. “So—are you in Gryffindor as well?”

Lily nodded. “Same year.”

“So you know Sirius, Remus, and Peter?” asked Mrs. Potter, setting out a plate of cookies and some tea. Lily took a cookie and nibbled at it, not sure what the taste was.

“I know of them,” she settled for saying. She did not really want to lie to this energetic woman and say she was good friends with the three of them.

James entered the kitchen, his cut gone and only a slight pinkness to show where it had been. “Is dad coming?”

There was a slight pause, in which both Sabia and James looked at Lily. Mrs. Potter nodded. “He should be here in a moment.” She flicked a glance at Lily. “I'm afraid to say we won't be here very often. With everything that's going on with You-Know-Who…it's hard to keep up with work. We've got to work double the time and we'll probably be out for Christmas Eve. I'm sure you'll find something to occupy your time with.”

Lily flushed. James again rolled his eyes.

The front door opened and a moment later an extremely tall and rather attractive man walked into the kitchen, his messy head of hair just brushing the lintel of the doorway. “James,” he said, looking pleasantly surprised. “I thought you were getting here later.”

The energy in the room was suddenly charged, almost overwhelmingly so. Lily looked at Sabia Potter, who was steadily washing the dishes in the sink and not looking up, while James avoided his father's eyes. Lily wondered at James's relationship with his dad.

“Nope, right now,” James replied, going over and hugging his dad. “This is my friend…Lily. Lily Evans.”

Mr. Potter held out a hand and Lily shook it firmly, instantly liking this man who smelled like paper and ink. “Clark Potter,” he said, by way of introduction.

“Lily Evans,” Lily replied.

“It's good to meet you, Lily,” Clark Potter replied, letting go of her hand and going over to his wife. James sidled up next to Lily as she watched them. Sabia's back was stiff; Clark's posture was slumped.

“See? I told you they wouldn't mind,” he whispered.

Lily looked on as Clark say something quietly. Sabia shrugged jerkily and slammed a dish down on the counter. Clark said something again and a small smile appeared on Mrs. Potter's face. James's parents laughed over something as Sabia relaxed. Clark touched her waist briefly and they exchanged a look—a strange look only lovers can share when they were really in love.

Tosh, Lily thought. There's no such thing as true love.

But watching James's parents, it was hard to think there was not.

She glanced at James, simply because looking at his parents was too much for her at that moment. He was watching her, bemused.

“Did they meet at Hogwarts?” she asked, after an uncomfortable silence.

James cocked his head to the side, thinking. “Well…they met there. But they really started dating after. They were in the same year though. My mum was in Slytherin, actually. She was one of the nice ones. My dad was in Gryffindor.”

Lily frowned. “What a strange union.”

James laughed. “Have you forgotten that you're going out with a Slytherin, you house traitor?”

Lily shook her head. “That's different.”

“How so?”

“Because…because we're not in it for the long run. At least, I'm not. I'm not going to marry Vince. I doubt I'll marry anyone I know at Hogwarts.”

James shrugged. “We'll see. Anything else you want to ask?”

“Yea. How formal is your New Year's Eve party?”

James paused. “Extremely. Wear an evening gown.”

“I'll have to go buy one.”

“I'll introduce you to some girls in the Hollow,” James said. “Anything else?”

Lily shook her head, once more watching James's parents and their quiet love.

……

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6. Chapter Six: Of Remus and Birthdays

Title: Lust…or Love?
Author: Sarinileni
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. Not at all. In the slightest.

Mature Subject Matter
Chapter 6: Of Remus and Birthdays
Date Begun: Tuesday, June 7, 2004
Date Finished: Wednesday, June 8, 2004
Date Posted: Wednesday, April 22, 2005

The return of my birthday, if I remember it, fills me with thoughts which it seems to be the general care of humanity to escape.

Samuel Johnson (1709-1784, British Author)

……

Recap:

James laughed. “Have you forgotten that you're going out with a Slytherin, you house traitor?”

Lily frowned. “That's different.”

“How so?”

“Because…because we're not in it for the long run. I'm not at least. I'm not going to marry Vince. I doubt I'll marry anyone I know at Hogwarts.”

James shrugged. “We'll see. Anything else you want to ask?”

“Yea. How formal is your New Year's Eve party?”

James paused. “Extremely. Wear an evening gown.”

“I'll have to go buy one.”

“I'll introduce you to some girls in the Hollow,” James said. “Anything else?”

Lily shook her head, once more watching James's parents and their quiet love.

……

“Ev-ans…there's one day till Christmas Eve!”

Lily reached out a hand and hit James in the stomach. At least, she tried to. She only got his side, and weakly at that.

“Go `way,” she muttered, pulling her pillow over her head.

“We're decorating today! Get your lazy arse out of bed!”

“Don't look at my arse,” Lily mumbled, wrapping the sheets around her cold body and snuggling into them, keeping her eyes closed.

“I think she wants to stay sleeping,” remarked a dry voice from somewhere else. Lily lifted the pillow and revealed one eye, taking in Remus Lupin's pale but friendly face. She struggled out of bed and stumbled over to him, her intention to hug him, but then realized how awkward that would be. She did not want to hug people—least of all boys she did not have any inkling of respect for.

“You have no idea how glad I am to see you, Lupin,” she settled on saying, her voice scratchy with sleep. “Potter's been driving me positively mad.”

“And yet you're still here, at his house,” Lupin remarked. “Even though he's been driving you mad for what—a day and a night? Is that how long you've been here?”

Lily nodded her head and began to stumble back to her bed. James grabbed her arm and held her in place. “Lapse of judgment. Severe lapse of judgment.”

Lupin shrugged. “Well, I'm always here the day before Christmas Eve. It's tradition. I help decorate and keep James company.” He paused. “What's your story?”

“We shag like bunnies every night,” Lily said, and James hit her lightly upside the head. “Ouch.”

James smirked. “Don't be a wimp. I hardly hit you. Not like you hit me the other day.”

“Well, still,” Lily said. “We're not shagging,” she said to Lupin. “Don't worry.”

James coughed discreetly into his hand.

“Let's get decorating then,” Lily sighed, ignoring James and rubbing her eyes before grabbing her jumper.

……

James handed her yet another green ornament and she frowned at the color. “I think you're prejudiced against me,” she said after a moment.

“Too right,” James said brightly. “You just keep on hanging those Slytherin green ornaments. Then you can do the silver tinsel.”

Lily frowned and absently watched Lupin deck the mantle with holly leaves. “I'm not a Slytherin, you know. I just…understand them more, I think. I get why they are the way they are. Gryffindors…even though I am one, I still can't understand why we are what we are. Is it the bravery? With the Slytherins it's the ambition….but the Gryffindors…”

James was staring at her strangely. “You know what; I think you've got a point. But it is, nevertheless, eight in the morning and I'm staring at really bright tinsel, so I can't think about it. Maybe later, okay, Evans?”

She shrugged and snatched some silver tinsel from him, wrapping it around the tree. James ripped off a bit and threw it at her to get her back, and then threw some at Remus, too. It fell short, fluttering to the ground two feet from James. Lily laughed and Remus allowed a small smile.

Lily watched James's head bob up and down to some internal tune and frowned, unable to look away from the firelight shining on his dark hair. They had pulled the shades to keep out the natural light and were working by candle- and firelight. She wrenched her eyes away and went back to the tinsel, avoiding Remus's eyes, which were gazing at her knowingly.

The atmosphere was too heavy. She took some tinsel and tackled James, shoving him to the ground on his stomach and weaving the tinsel into his messy hair. She let him go and sat back, grinning at her handiwork. He touched his hands to his hair and tugged, wincing as it pulled.

“I think I'm going to get you back,” he said calmly, grabbing an ornament and wrapping his other hand around her ankle in a vice grip. She kicked out but he pulled her closer and serenely wove the ornament into her long red hair, whistling as if he was decorating a Christmas tree.

Lily glared at him and he leaned closer, the firelight reflecting in his dark eyes. He pressed his lips to her cheekbone and grinned. “You look like a present now, you house traitor.”

“Don't…call me that,” she said weakly, her eyes closing slowly as he leaned in again.

Remus cleared his throat and James jumped back. Lily glanced at Remus, who was looking at them intently, perturbed.

“Aren't you still dating Malfoy?” Remus asked quietly.

Lily looked away.

“Huh,” Remus said, shaking his head and going back to his decorations. James shrugged sheepishly at Lily and rolled over, hopping to his feet easily and picking up gold ribbon.

He looked down at Lily. “You want to get wrapped up in this, or are you going to help?”

Lily hurried to her feet and began to hang ornaments on the tree.

James nodded. “I thought so.”

“So where are your parents?” Lily asked James, for lack of anything else to stay.

She did not, however, miss the look that passed between James and Remus before James shrugged nonchalantly. “They're probably asleep. They were out late last night.”

Lily frowned, watching the pair of them for any other signs of discomfort. There were none. James stepped back and looked at the tree. “Abysmal,” he said cheerfully. “My parents'll fix it later, I guess. It actually needs to be spiffed up for New Year's.”

“So should we do the rest of the house?” Remus asked.

James shook his head and stretched his arms over his head, yawning. “Let's go get breakfast,” he said. He led them into the kitchen and began to wave his wand at cupboards and drawers. Lily watched with interest as he skillfully made pancakes. He saw her looking at him.

“I'll have you know my mother taught me to cook when I was just a little boy,” he said. “And I can use as many household spells as I want over the summer. Perks of being a Ministry baby.”

Remus laughed, his face, for once, carefree. “You are a ministry baby, James. Literally,” he added for Lily's benefit, in his dry voice.

“Remus,” James began warningly.

“Oh, no,” Lily interrupted. “Do tell.”

Remus stopped smiling. “Do you know James's birthday?”

“Remus,” James snapped. His fingers were gripping handle of his fork so hard his knuckles were white.

“No. When is it?”

Remus shut his mouth and took a pancake off the plate in the center of the table, avoiding Lily's eyes.

“When's your birthday, Potter?” Lily raised an eyebrow at James.

Potter dropped his fork with a clatter and got up, getting maple syrup from the counter. He slammed it down and glared. “They've all sucked. I don't want to talk about it, okay Evans?”

Lily held her hands up in the air. “Fine. Fine.” She took the syrup and poured it on her pancakes, viciously cutting into them and placing them in her mouth.

She was going to find out why James didn't like his birthday. She was.

……

After they put the dishes in the sink, Remus told her funny stories about their years at Hogwarts while James ignored the both of them. While hearing about a strange incident involving McGonagall, all the Hogwarts house elves, and three cans of bright yellow paint, Lily considered the boy across from her.

She had never liked Remus Lupin. She had always found him dull, uninteresting, rather bland. She had always thought him to be second best to Potter and Black and unable to stand up to them. Now, she was being pleasantly surprised by his conversational skills.

“So, what's a girl who's dating a Malfoy doing at a Potter's house?”

Lily's smile became fixed. “Oh, you know. Just…nowhere else to go. Potter was being his normal helpful self so he said I could come.”

“And you accepted,” Remus finished amusedly, obviously not believing her. Points to him for intelligence.

Lily shifted. “I guess. I had nowhere else to go,” she repeated

“Huh,” Remus said again.

Lily rolled her eyes and got up, looking around for the loo.

“It's down that hall,” Potter said, pointing. It was the second time that morning he had guessed what she was thinking or what she wanted, and it unsettled her. Lily nodded her thanks and went down the hall. The loo was pretty, just like the rest of the house, decorated with tiny delicate vines that almost seemed to grow—but that was impossible. The entire estate spoke of airiness and the country. It was rather refreshing after her city childhood.

She heard James and Remus talking just as she was about to go back into the room and she paused, instinctively slowing so she could listen in.

“So she's here because she had nowhere else to go? You think I'm going to buy that, James? You think Sirius is going to buy that when he comes? And do you think Malfoy's honestly not going to punch your bloody lights out for shagging her at the New Year's party when he sees her here? She's not even your friend. She doesn't even like you and she's just taking advantage of you.”

Lily stiffened and Remus lost all the points he had gained with her earlier.

“Well it's not like you're keeping any secrets or anything,” James said acidly. “You're telling her everything!”

“I didn't mean to mention your birthday, James. It just came up.”

“Entirely and spiffingly believable, Remus. I'll deal with Sirius when he comes and we'll find something to tell Malfoy.”

Remus sighed. “What's she doing here? Is she just using you? Because…even though I know in my mind that she's just taking advantage of you, there's something about her that makes her…she seems more innocent than she is. Lily felt his hesitation clear from the hallway. “It's hard not to talk to her.”

“I suppose,” James said. “Look, it doesn't matter why she's here.”

“Oh, yes it does.”

“Do you really want to know? She's here because she wants to learn how to shag Malfoy.”

“That's the most believable thing you've said all day,” Remus snapped. “And she just randomly chose you for this? And you don't care? You, who never—”

“Shut up,” James hissed. “She just let it slip out to him and now he thinks she's slept with me—and that she's experienced for Merlin's sake. I'm considered that much of a whore, that sleeping with me means a girl's experienced!”

“Because you've always—“

“Shh,” James hissed. Footsteps came closer to the door and he swung it open, catching sight of her. He shut the door behind himself and the only light was from the candles in the kitchen and bathroom. The hallway was narrow and he stood right in front of her, pressing her up against the wall.

“So you've been listening, Evans?”

“You would've,” she shot back.

“True. But that doesn't make it right, Ev.”

“Don't call me that,” she said angrily.

“You know what I think, Evans?” he asked, his eyes widening in realization. “I think you don't like Remus and you're debating whether or not to ignore him now that he's insulted you. Not that you were supposed to hear him insulting you—“

“Fuck you, Potter—“

“—Let me tell you: you deserve it. You're a bitch.”

His proximity was doing strange things to her. Her breathing was becoming heavier; she got like this when she was with Vince, sometimes.

“And I don't like you and I don't exactly know why I'm doing this for you—but it freaks me out and I'm actually rather scared. So if you could just—stop blowing up at me every three seconds I'd appreciate it, okay, Evans?”

She didn't answer. Her eyes fluttered shut and she gasped as he pushed her hair back from her face.

“Don't look like that, please,” said James pleadingly, his tone such a change from his previous one that it shocked her out of her stupor.

“What do you mean?” she inquired.

“You look really…just stop…” His expression was weak—Lily knew he would cave at any second.

“Don't you think we should get started?” she asked, mimicking his words from the other night.

“Remus,” he said through gritted teeth, “is in the other room.”

“Yes, but…it's hard to…sometimes you just have to…”

He leaned in and kissed her softly, framing her face with his hands and pulling her even closer. Every inch of her was pressed between the wall and his body, and every inch of her was blazing. Her mouth met his in a feather light touch and she moaned quietly, her mind hazy with passion. She kissed him back lazily, running her hands through his messy hair and pressing her pelvis against his. He pulled away, gasping. “You move—way too fast,” he said breathlessly.

“Am I that bad?”

“Well—no. But you need to enjoy this more. Think about yourself more than me. But it'll be him.”

As if you think I'm not enjoying this, you smarmy bastard, Lily thought, looking up at him. “Don't confuse me,” she told him, closing her eyes and pressing hard against him. He leaned down and hesitantly dropped a soft kiss on her pulse point, then another on her collarbone.

He tilted her face up and kissed her again, so sweetly she almost collapsed. She clung to him and kissed him back, unable to understand just what made James so damn irresistible.

“Okay,” he gasped, pulling away reluctantly and ruining the moment with his businesslike manner. “That's it—you just need to slow down and then steadily build up and it'll work out fine.”

She nodded, leaning entirely against the wall and watching him from under heavily lidded eyes. “You wanna go back in there?” she asked him breathlessly.

“Not particularly. I'd much rather stay out here and shag you, but my friend's sitting in the next room so that'd not only be kinky, it'd be embarrassing. So maybe we should stop and keep our hands off each other,” he said rapidly, tapping his foot and looking from side to side.

“Okay,” Lily agreed. “I'll go in first.”

James nodded.

Lily walked back into the room and Remus looked up, giving her a once over. He smirked and did the same for James, who walked in behind her. “Friendly tip?” he asked.

“What?” Lily said warily, regarding him with narrowed eyes.

“Next time, bring a hairbrush with you before you snog—“

“Shut up,” James said playfully, snatching an ornament off the tree and throwing it at his friend, who held up his hands to ward away the projectile and had to laugh.

……

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7. Chapter Seven: Of Makeouts and Interruptions

Title: Lust…or Love?
Author: Sarinileni
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. Not at all. In the slightest.

Mature Subject Matter
Chapter 7: Of Make-Outs and Interruptions
Date Begun: Wednesday, June 8, 2004
Date Finished: Wednesday, June 8, 2004
Date Posted: Wednesday, April 22, 2005

Today, the degradation of the inner life is symbolized by the fact that the only place sacred from interruption is the private toilet.

Lewis Mumford 1895-1990, American Social Philosopher

……

Lily sat in the decorated living room for two more hours with Remus and James, talking occasionally and more than once lapsing into awkward silence. At around ten, James's parents appeared.

James's father was fully dressed in a sturdy set of robes, while James's mother was in a dressing gown decorated with teddy bears. Lily sent a look with raised eyebrows at James, who shrugged. It was Remus who answered as James's parents went into the kitchen for tea.

He coughed into his hand. “The story is that James gave it to his mother for Christmas when he was six. Sirius…just…enhanced it a bit.”

“How so?” Lily asked, peering after Sabia as if this would give her a view of the housecoat.

At that moment, Mrs. Potter walked back into the room and Lily gave a hacking cough to disguise her laugh. The teddy bears had sprouted dragon heads and were chasing each other around. One bit another's head off and bellowed fire over the expanse of the robe. Within seconds, the debacle was over and the teddy bears reappeared. Mrs. Potter bade them good morning, supremely unconcerned.

Lily shut her eyes and waved, trying to keep from laughing as the entire process was repeated over again. Mr. Potter walked into the room, looked at Lily, then his wife, and smiled very slightly, sipping from his mug of tea.

Remus leaned over as James grinned. “Er…Sirius was very good with charms when he used to actually study…which lasted for about a week. She's never seen what happens. It still looks like what James gave her. No one's ever bothered to tell her.”

“Well,” Mrs. Potter said, a laugh caught in her voice, “I see you tried.”

Lily looked at the tree, which was a mess of clashing ornaments hanging next to each other. The oranges were with the blues and the purples with the yellows and so on…She looked at James and Remus, who shrugged.

“I think you should perhaps go out and look around the Hollow,” Mr. Potter suggested. “You can let us fix this up with magic.”

James shrugged and drawled, “I'm hurt by your lack of faith in my future as an interior decorator. All the same, I suppose I shall take Evans out for an...afternoon on the town. With Remus, of course.”

He got up and Remus held out a hand to Lily, which she took. He pulled her to her feet and the three of them filed past James's parents. James's father ruffled both James and Remus's hair and inclined his head to Lily. She could not help it; she grinned.

She went back to her room and took out her clothes and toothbrush, walking into the adjoining bathroom and stripping her jumper. She shimmied out of her pyjama trousers and stopped before starting the water, looking for a towel.

She went back into her room to look for one and there was a knock on the door. Before she could say anything, the door opened to reveal James, standing there picking lint from his shirt and holding a towel. He looked up. “I've got a towel for…whoa…”

As he took in the sight of her in her camisole and knickers, Lily opened her mouth to say something and pointed to the bed, wordlessly. Somehow when James walked in the door ended up shut, but Lily wasn't really paying attention. He set the towel down on the bed and in the process his hand brushed against her thigh. Lily felt a shudder run through her body and she closed her eyes.

His eyes lingered on her face, sliding downwards and then quickly going up to her eyes again. He reached his hand out again and fixed a corner of the towel which had flipped over. This time, when his fingers brushed her bare thigh, he pressed his hand flat against her leg and kissed her.

Lily's mouth opened slowly under his and she bent her head back, feeling his hand rise dangerously high on her leg until his fingers were playing with the waistband of her knickers. She raked her hands through his hair and he bore down to the bed and they fell onto it. James ran his hand down her leg again and then up. Lily contracted against him and they somehow ended up on their sides.

“This is insane,” he gasped, breaking away. “This is bloody insane—”

“I know,” she panted, arching against him; his hand fell to her legs again. She had no idea what he was doing, but she was pretty sure he did not need to touch her like this in order for her to learn how to shag Vince.

But stopping now would be impossible. And she did not really want to stop.

His hand slid down her lower back and he pushed her pelvis against his, rolling her onto her back and pushing her leg up over his hip. She could feel him pressed up against her and she flushed, tipping her head back and trying to catch her breath.

“I thought you said,” she rasped, “that I was moving too fast—“

“Fuck that,” he said intently, cutting her off and kissing her again, rocking his hips against hers. Lily groaned and he moved away, removing some of the delightful pressure Lily had been enjoying. His hand slipped between her legs and she dropped them open, raising against him and trying to make sense of the jumble of thoughts in her muddled head.

She combed his hair with her fingers as he dropped kisses on her neck and collarbone, making him shiver. She took in a sharp breath when his mouth closed over her nipple through her shirt, and she made a strange sound in the back of her throat.

He looked up at her and their eyes met. His had darkened to almost black and were alight with something totally unfamiliar to her. It was not the angry frustration she had seen in Vince's eyes when they were in broom closets, but was instead something else entirely, something that made her feel—

She did not really know.

He bent his head again and the sensations she felt made her raise her hips against his hard. He made a bold move; he stroked her roughly between her legs over her knickers and she moaned something incoherent, her hips jerking upwards sharply.

At that moment, there was a knock on the door and Lily could have killed whoever interrupted them. As it was, she nearly wept with frustration.

“Lily?”

James promptly cursed Remus quietly but effectively twelve different times in English and another language Lily did not recognize.

“Y-yes?” she choked out, nearly whimpering.

“Are you all right?” He sounded concerned and the doorknob began to turn. James buried his face in Lily's neck and his hand dropped over her outer thigh. Lily got the impression that he had given up on hiding anything at all from Remus.

Lily had not.

“Don't come in!” she called desperately. “I just—I stubbed my toe—“

James let out a quiet laugh that was more a breath and expelled warm air on her shoulder. She squirmed and he pressed her to the bed.

“—and I'm changing. I'll be done in a second.” She glared at James and brought her knee up threateningly. It had no effect because he was not looking at her. He was still laughing against her neck.

“Have you seen James?”

There was a horrible silence, in which even James held his breath, and then Lily said, “No. Is he missing?”

Well, of course Remus knew James was inside with her, but he could not say anything against it.

“No. He's probably around somewhere,” Remus called back. “I'll be in the kitchen when you're done.”

“Okay,” Lily said, and heard him walking away. She exhaled loudly and relaxed.

“That was a mood killer,” James remarked.

Lily felt like hitting him. How could he just lay there and be fine and not want to hit something from frustration? Preferably Lupin.

“How's your toe?” James asked, his voice muffled.

“It's fine,” Lily said through clenched teeth, holding absolutely still.

“I've got a really nice look down your shirt,” he said after a moment, turning his head against her shoulder.

“Why don't you take it off then?” she ground out.

James kissed her neck sensuously, causing her to curl in around him, and then pushed himself up, leaning over her on all fours and smirking. “No thanks,” he whispered, giving her a fleeting, biting kiss. He jerked away and rolled off the bed, standing there and looking down at her.

Lily imagined what she must look like, with her crazy hair and her splayed legs. She clenched her fists.

“Don't get too mad at Remus, Evans,” James advised, turning to leave.

Lily nodded curtly and turned her head away, sliding slowly off the bed and sitting up, feeling somewhat cheap and used. For the second time in two days, she was near tears and she had no idea why. She squared her shoulders and blinked her tears away, finally getting herself under control.

She looked up and James was standing in front of her. He knelt on the floor and put his hands on either side of her legs, sighing. “I'm not doing this very well, am I? You probably feel like a two-sickle whore—”

Lily shook her head desperately, biting her lip, squinting her eyes to prevent tears from appearing. She failed miserably.

“Don't cry,” he said quickly. “Don't cry. I can't—oh, Merlin—“

She wiped away the tear that had fallen quickly and tried to talk. All that came out was a gasp. She tried again. “No—wait. I'm fine. I think I just—it's a lot to take in. I'm not used to—stuff like that. I'm not used to having that at all—and then just being teased with and not finishing or anything…it's really…it makes me want to hit something.”

He held out his hands. “I'm available.”

She laughed weakly and wiped away any stray tears, glad to feel that there were none. “Stop.”

“Well…you were standing there in your knickers. Was I supposed to give you the towel and just…leave?” He brushed his hand against the side of her breast and she watched, mesmerized, as he bent closer. “I could…perhaps…” His hand slid around her thigh and in between both her legs, inching upward. Lily wrapped her hand around his wrist to halt him.

“No…you don't need to. I mean—it's not going to matter either way, is it? It's not going to help me be any better in bed, right?

He was looking at her with the oddest and most indecipherable look on his face. “Right…I'm sorry for…making you—”

She glared.

“I mean…nearly making you cry. I'm just…not used to not…caring at all. I mean...normally if I—I just don't know how to act about this. I thought I'd be fine but it's…different from what I thought it would be like.” He stood and helped her to her feet, surprising her by giving her a quick hug. He kissed her temple and backed away. “Er…get dressed. You can shower if you're really quick. Wear something warm.”

He left the room and she stared after him, touching her temple and wondering at that simple kiss, which seemed to come more from a lover than a rival.

……

She showered quickly and threw on a pair of slacks and a thick jumper she had gotten as a Christmas present one year. Halting with her hand on the doorknob and taking a deep breath, she composed herself before swinging the door open and starting down the hall.

She paused at the door to the living room, hearing voices. James's parents were inside, having opened the shades to let in the light. Mrs. Potter had removed the ridiculous robe and was busy arranging ornaments on the tree. Every so often her husband would help her to hang one on a high branch. Every time this occurred he would brush against his wife, and James's mother would close her eyes for a second.

Lily coughed discreetly and James's parents looked up.

“Lily,” Mrs. Potter said. “Are you all ready?”

“Yes…do you know where…?” She hesitated before calling him Potter. It did not seem right to call him Potter anymore.

“In the kitchen,” Mr. Potter said. “Just down that hall.”

Lily nodded her thanks and turned away, heading to the kitchen. James and Remus were sitting at the table waiting, the tension in the air so thick it could be cut with a knife. Lily sighed, knowing they had been fighting about her.

“Finally ready?” James asked. “Good,” he plowed on, not waiting for an answer. “I figure I can introduce you to some of the Muggles and if you hit it off with any of the girls you can go shopping with them, because Merlin knows I'm useless at that. If worse comes to worse, we'll ask my mum to take you.”

Remus frowned. “Are you sure you want to introduce her to the girls in the Hollow? Some of them are…”

“Carbon copies of our loveable housemate Mary? I know.” James shook his head. “Mary just happens to be Gryffindor's universal popular bitch. Aside from traitor Lily over there. We'll just…stay away from Catherine, dear Merlin.”

Lily knocked over the salt shaker when he called her by her first name and both boys looked at her strangely.

“But Catherine loves you because she loves Sirius. So how are you going to avoid her? She'll tear Lily to shreds.”

“I am right here,” Lily finally said, “and if I can handle living with Mary for seven years, I can handle meeting another girl named after a princess or a queen or something.”

Remus snorted. “Good one.”

James rolled his eyes. “All right, Lily, you think that. Don't say I didn't warn you.”

Again with the name thing. She stared at James, trying to figure him out. Was she supposed to switch now too?

James shrugged. “Let's go. It's freezing outside. Got your gloves? Cloaks? The people here will look at you funny if you wear robes, but not cloaks.”

Lily went and got hers and met the boys in the foyer. They stepped outside together and Lily looked around at the brilliant white landscape.

James led them down the flower lined path and turned off at the end, heading towards the picturesque little town at the end of the lane. After a brisk walk, they entered the town and James stopped short. “Oh, bollocks,” he said quietly. “Get ready. Here she—“

“James! Remus!”

A girl with curly red hair down to her waist sauntered up to them, her hips swaying from side to side. She was wearing a tight jumper and an even tighter pair of jeans, with a heavy coat hanging unbuttoned on her stick thin body. She tossed her hair over her shoulder and her unsettling grey eyes first moved appraisingly over James, then Remus, and then on to Lily. She raised an eyebrow.

Lily raised one back, wondering what the bitch's problem was. The girl's lips pursed and she pouted, then turned back to James. “Sirius isn't here? I'm so bored—all the girls are on holiday already.”

James shook his head. “Sorry. He's coming in at the end of the week.”

The girl stuck her lower lip out even further and she sighed. “Well, I'm leaving in three days for the Bahamas, so give him my love, will you?”

James nodded. “Lily, this is Catherine. Catherine, Lily.”

Catherine raised her other perfectly plucked eyebrow at the way James introduced them. No doubt she was used to having people introduced to her first. Lily bit back a grin and smirked at the other girl.

Catherine nodded to Lily and stood on her tip toes and kissed James quickly on the mouth, then did the same for Remus, before turning and ambling away, raising a hand to say good-bye over her shoulder.

“Well, that just made my jolly day,” Remus muttered, causing Lily to laugh, although she was staring at James and wondering what he was thinking. He was staring after Catherine, a look on his face that made Lily wonder whether he had ever been involved with her. He sighed and shook his head, then turned to Lily.

“Ready?”

……

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8. Chapter Eight: Of Shopping and Shocks

Title: Lust…or Love?
Author: Sarinileni
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. Not at all. In the slightest.

Mature Subject Matter
Chapter 8: Of Shopping and Shocks
Date Begun: Wednesday, June 9, 2004
Date Finished: Wednesday, June 9, 2004
Date Posted: Wednesday, April 22, 2005

……

Recap:

James nodded. “Lily, this is Catherine. Catherine, Lily.”

“Ready?”

……

After Lily said yes, James again turned from her and looked back to where Catherine had disappeared, not continuing or telling her where to go. Lily looked at Remus uneasily, who gave her a little smile and a shrug. Lily looked back at James.

“So I'm supposing there's no one to take me dress shopping,” Lily ventured after a second.

James started and looked at her. “Oh, right. Can you do that by yourself?”

Lily rolled her eyes and nodded. “I need to find a shop first.” She smiled at him, but he gave her no response.

He only sighed. “Okay. Come on. You have money?”

Lily nodded again. “I've got a hundred pounds. It's all my Muggle pocket change,” she added, “for about three years.”

James winced and grimaced. “Okay then. So here's the thing—men have to wear dress robes and the women are supposed to wear dresses. The feminists out there are all wearing robes now, so if you want to, you can too and we don't have to go through this ordeal.”

“I didn't bring my dress robes with me,” Lily said hesitantly.

James swore. “I hate shopping. Remus—you want to help her?”

Remus held up his hands and chuckled. “Not me, mate. She's all yours for this one.”

Lily flinched when she heard the innuendo but met Remus's eyes squarely. “Scared of a few dresses, Lupin?”

“And proud of it,” he said back, just as sweetly. “Come on. Let's go.”

James dragged his feet along until they came to a small store called Kimberly's Boutique. Lily bit her lip and looked at the frilly dresses in the windows, not sure it was really her style.

James grabbed her hand and pulled her inside, causing her to gasp at the gesture of familiarity. He tugged her into the store, a little bell jingling as they stepped into the shop.

What? He's not familiar with you?

Lily flushed and avoided his eyes. “My mum raves about this place,” James said to her as they waited for Remus to gather enough nerve to cross the threshold. “Don't be put off by the dresses in the window.”

Remus finally stepped in and winced at the bright colors. Even though James was probably the most familiar with the store, Lily sighed and began to lead them through the racks. The front was terrible, but once they got to the middle of the store Lily grinned and pointed to two chairs near the mirror, indicating for James and Remus to sit there. They obeyed and she began to look around. The heat was blasting so she took off her cloak and her jumper and put them on James and Remus's laps, respectively. She refused to touch James, even when his eyes lingered on her chest, revealed by the tightness of her shirt.

“May I—oh, it's you.”

Lily looked up and frowned. It was the girl—Catherine. She had a measuring tape around her neck and sported a nametag that identified her as the assistant manager.

“What do you need a dress for?” Catherine asked, rather rudely.

“A party,” Lily answered slowly, as if she were talking to a stupid person.

“Well I'm the only person here, so if you need any help just tell me. I'll be at the till.”

Catherine walked off and Lily frowned, wondering whether she had the energy to put in a complaint and get the girl fired. She forced herself not to care that Catherine was once more talking to James—and Remus—and went back to browsing. After thirty minutes, she had gathered five dresses but was quite reluctant to go into the fitting rooms, leaving Catherine to pounce on James and Remus.

“Ridiculous,” she muttered. “You're not jealous.”

She didn't look at Catherine and James and stepped into the rooms, throwing an apprehensive look at the two boys, who were flirting easily with Catherine. Frowning at their attitudes, she chose a cubicle and slipped into it.

The first two dresses she flung aside before they were halfway on, hating the colors once they were actually against her body. The next one was too big and they did not have it in a smaller size. She picked up one of the remaining ones, which was navy blue, and shimmied into it.

It was backless, halter-necked, and she liked the way it looked on her. She peeked out of the room and saw Catherine still standing with James and Remus, ready to drop down into James's lap. Lily bit her lip and then threw caution to the winds, stepping out of the fitting rooms and standing in the corner. Normally she would walk right up there and push Catherine out of the way, but for some reason she was nervous.

Was it perhaps because she actually cared what James and Remus thought—that she actually cared whether she looked nice in front of James?

Remus caught sight of her and poked James in the arm. He looked away from Catherine and at Lily and frowned, shaking his head. Lily looked down at the dress and shrugged. In the end it was her decision. She turned to go back in the fitting rooms and heard a low whistle emit from behind her. She turned around and saw James standing and Remus smirking, both of them having caught sight of the lack of fabric on the back.

“Wait—” James said. “Come back here.”

Lily shook her head, smiling brightly, and slammed her way into a fitting cubicle, locking the door quickly and grinning. Let James think about what he had missed out on.

The only dress left was black. She pulled it over her head and adjusted the straps, then hit herself on the head, realizing it was supposed to go off-the-shoulder. She pulled the straps down and looked at herself in the mirror. The skirt puffed out the slightest bit, making Lily wince. She hated dresses that puffed out. She smoothed the fabric down over her stomach and lifted up the long skirt, taking tiny steps so she would not trip.

James and Remus looked up when she came back out. Catherine disappeared into the fitting rooms and Lily stood there anxiously, waiting to hear what they thought.

“Turn,” James said sullenly. Lily did, slowly, and when she was facing front again James met her eyes with the most unidentifiable emotion ever. She sighed at her inability to read him and instead looked at Remus, who gave her a discreet thumbs up. She shrugged; it did not matter to her anyway which dress she chose, as long as she had something to cover herself.

“What about this one?” Catherine asked, holding up a confection of pink and green fabric. Bits of taffeta stuck up from the bundle in her arms, which she held out to Lily, a sweet smiled on her face.

“Oh…” Lily began, “no thanks.”

“Come on. At least try it on.” Catherine smiled sweetly.

“No,” Lily repeated firmly. “I don't think so.”

“I think,” James said slowly, “that we're done, alright? Catherine, just leave her alone.”

Lily winced when Catherine threw her a particularly nasty look. “What's your name?” she asked again.

“Can we go now?” James asked quietly, his voice firm.

“As soon as I pay for this dress. And my name is Lily,” Lily said, her eyes not leaving Catherine's. She swept by the other girl into the fitting rooms and began to take off the dress. When she saw the door knob turn she hastily pulled it back on again, not wanting a repeat of that morning.

Of course it was James. He slipped into the room and shut the door. Lily anxiously played with her hair, twisting it, turning it, and finally clipping it up messily.

“I'm not sleeping with her,” James said suddenly. “I never have.”

Lily met his eyes dispassionately in the mirror, hiding her surprise. That was the vibe she had been getting from Catherine: Stay away from my property. She just had not been able to identify it. “I don't see your point, James,” she remarked innocently.

James laughed. “Yes, you do, Lily.”

“Well then I don't care,” Lily said, clenching her fists. To hell with James. Let him look. She began to pull off the dress. To her amazement, James's eyes never left hers in the mirror.

“Lily—is it possible that you're jealous?”

She laughed aloud at that.

…simply because it was true—but she would never admit it.

Really. This was all going to end when she got back to school, so it was better not to tell the truth.

“The day I'm jealous of you,” she bit out through clenched teeth, “is the day I fuck Snape's brains out.”

He looked a little surprised at her vehemence and he shrugged. “I'm still not sleeping with her,” he repeated. “And I never have. I just thought you might like to know—”

“Well, you thought wrong,” she snapped, remembering that she was hardly wearing anything. She pulled on her trousers and reached for her shirt, but in the process her hair fell from its clip.

Apparently James had not noticed her lack of clothing, because he groaned when his eyes followed the trail of her hair down to her black bra and her heaving chest. Lily closed her eyes, knowing what was going to happen and readying herself for it.

“James, if you—”

He cut her off by putting his hands on her waist and pulling her closer. His hand slid upwards to cup her breast and she sagged helplessly against him. This was all useless. She did not need him to touch her to learn how to fuck her boyfriend.

But it felt lovely all the same.

Then again, this was just making her more attached to him than she had to be.

“Stop,” she said, as he bent his head to kiss her neck. “Stop.”

He paused and looked shocked. “Lily—”

“Don't force it,” she told him, “please. I'll scream….”

“If I—forced—Merlin, you're psychotic, Lily. I can't believe you just—you've been willing this whole time,” he finished hotly.

“Remus doesn't know that,” she replied.

His mouth dropped open. “You bitch. You wouldn't.”

She hesitated. Of course she wouldn't. She bit her lip. “Try me,” she said quietly, not liking the look that put in James's eyes.

“You know what?” he said viciously, throwing her shirt at her, “I don't want to try you anymore.”

……

Lily pushed the door open so hard it slammed into the outside wall with a resounding crash.

“Have a nice day!” Catherine called out gaily. Lily clenched her fists and stalked up the road away from the town, with Remus and behind her and James behind him. She reached James's house in record time and tried to open the door. She yelped as pain lanced up her arm and through her body. She stumbled backwards and fell, wincing as the hard ground made contact with her bum.

“Stupid,” James said quietly. Remus shot him a look and hauled Lily up. James took out his wand and touched it to the door. Again, the tip glowed blue and James opened the door. “Be more careful,” he said gruffly, as Lily groaned. “There's a powerful protective spell on the house.”

“I didn't notice,” she said hoarsely, swallowing. She needed a glass of water.

“Come on,” James sighed, opening the door. Remus helped her inside and over the step, and James's mum appeared.

“Did you try to open the door? Oh—I should have told you about the hex. I'll charm your wand if you want so you can get in as well.”

Lily could only nod.

“Go get her some water, Remus,” Mrs. Potter said briskly. “Take her to her room, James. You should have told her—she'll be in and out for the rest of the day now.”

James only slid an arm around her waist and pulled hers over his shoulder, supporting her as they walked—or stumbled—to her room.

He pulled off her cloak and her jumper, along with her shoes and socks, and he set her down on the bed. Lily swayed, her eyes drooping, and he cursed and tugged the bedclothes out from under her, sloppily tucking her in and crouching beside her bed. She rolled over until her arm dangled off the edge of the bed and her face was right next to his.

He kissed her lazily, tipping her chin up with his finger. Lily reached a hand out and wove it thorough his hair, kissing him back. She pulled away lethargically and stared at him.

“Get out,” she whispered. “Get out.”

“Why?”

She breathed in the scent of the pillow and relaxed. “Because you're conf-f-fusing me,” she said through a yawn.

“What about?”

She rolled over on her back. “Everything,” she said sleepily.

She heard another person enter the room and Remus set down a glass of water. She tried to get up but she felt like she was covered in honey—which was weighing her down and keeping her on the bed. She made a sound of frustration, hating being so helpless.

Remus grabbed one arm and James grabbed the other, and they pulled her up. James picked up the water and handed it to her. She drained the glass and gave it back to James, who set in on the night table.

“James—you—” she said, “are paranoid. No one needs protection spells that strong.”

With that, she passed out against James's shoulder.

……

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Join the community, read the intros, introduce yourself—remember to FLOCK!...

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9. Chapter Nine: Of Tempers and Throwouts

Title: Lust…or Love?
Author: Sarinileni
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. Not at all. In the slightest.

Mature Subject Matter
Chapter 9: Of Tempers and Throw-outs
Date Begun: Thursday, June 10, 2004
Date Finished: Thursday, June 10, 2004
Date Posted: Wednesday, April 22, 2005

Temper gets you into trouble. Pride keeps you there.

Anonymous

……

Recap:

“Get out,” she whispered. “Get out.”

“Why?”

She breathed in the scent of the pillow and relaxed. “Because you're conf-f-fusing me,” she said through a yawn.

“What about?”

She rolled over on her back. “Everything,” she said sleepily.

“James—you—“ she said, “are paranoid. No one needs protection spells that strong.”

With that, she passed out against James shoulder.

……

Lily woke with a splitting headache.

“Rise and shine,” said a sardonic voice from her side, and she threw out her hand to hit James. She fell short and her arm dropped to the bed. Lily struggled to sit up, feeling much better than she had the previous evening. “You must have been pretty pissed off,” James remarked.

“What the fuck does that have to with anything?” she growled, stretching. He handed her a potion and she took it warily, downing it in one gulp, surprised at the pleasant taste. She immediately felt more alert and the ache in her bones subsided slightly.

James sighed. “First, your wand has to be charmed with the spell for you to get in without getting a shock. And if you're thinking harmful thoughts about anyone included in the spell and then you touch the door—this happens,” he explained, motioning to her.

Lily yawned. “Wh-what time is it?”

James checked his watch. “Half past three.”

“In the morning?” Lily asked, sitting bolt upright.

James nodded and pointed to the window. Lily saw that it was black as pitch outside.

“And you just—”

“Couldn't sleep,” he finished firmly, meeting her eyes.

Lily's breath caught and she paused, trying to decide which way to go. She could either ask why he was up at three in the morning right next to her if he wasn't watching her sleep, or she could not ask him.

She picked the safe route, and the first thing that came out of her mouth was, “I'm still angry with you.”

If it were possible, Lily would have Avada Kedavraed herself right there and then, because his gaze turned stony. “Are you, now?”

“I am,” she said, dignified.

“Well from where I'm standing, it looks like I'm the one that should be angry.”

So he had a point. Screw him anyway.

“Well—you're—you're sitting, not standing!”

He looked at her disbelievingly and then laughed. “Is that the best you can come up with?” he asked.

“Unfortunately, yes,” Lily said angrily. “And I suppose I'm sorry about suggetring I'd lie to Remus—where is he, anyway? Did he leave?”

“Of course—yesterday night. Tonight's—“ He stopped and looked at her intently. “Tonight's Christmas Eve, Lily. He's gone to spend some time with his family. Oh, wait.” He took out a piece of parchment and handed it to her. “He told me give that to you.”

Lily unfolded the note and looked at the words scratched out messily on the parchment.

December 31.

Lily thought hard, and then crumpled the paper up into a ball and stuffed it under her covers, her eyes wide. Imagine having a birthday on December 31^st—and apparently hating it, as James did.

“What did it say?”

Lily snapped out of her daze and shook her head. “It said `Happy Christmas'.”

“Bollocks,” James said dismissively. “What'd it really say?”

Lily shook her head and dove under the covers, hiding from him. She felt energized—awake. It was a delightful contrast to how she had felt earlier. James ripped off the covers and she rolled with them, keeping them over her head. She had not been this playful in years.

“Fine,” James said. “But you asked for it.” He crawled onto the bed and reached under the covers, grabbing her and pulling her up. Lily dropped the parchment to the floor and let herself be found.

James checked her hands. “You didn't eat it, did you?”

Lily shrugged and puffed out her cheeks, swallowing. James made a face. “Parchment tastes disgusting,” he said.

“How would you know?” Lily asked.

“I'm James Potter, Lily. You think I never ate parchment when I was a kid?”

“Good point,” she said.

James smiled at her and her traitorous heart skipped a beat. They were sitting up, both cross-legged, facing each other. James's hands rested lightly on her hips. He gently pulled her forward and she twisted, sitting in his lap and resting her head back against his shoulder.

“Lily?”

“Yeah?”

“Did Remus tell you when my birthday was?”

Lily did not dare to breathe.

“I'm not going to get mad or anything. I just want to know if he told you in that note.”

“Well…yes, he did. New Year's Eve.”

She felt James nod; his chin bumped into her head.

“So…” She trailed off, not willing to break the comfortable, rare silence by antagonizing him.

He leaned back gently to the bed, until they were lying next to each other, her head pillowed on his chest. His hand idly ran up her side and down again, up, and then down again. Lily sighed contentedly and relaxed.

This is wrong, she thought suddenly. This is…so very wrong. She looked out the window. It was snowing. I shouldn't be here—not on a bed with James—not comfortable. We're rivals—we hate each other.

And yet—we can't seem to stay away from each other.

While she had been thinking, James had undone the button and zipper of her jeans.

Lily tensed up and James made a shushing sound. She leaned back and met his eyes, then involuntarily lifted her hips when he slid off her trousers, to make it easier for him. He grabbed her shirt by the hem and drew it over her head slowly, dropping it to the ground. Lily grinned up at him and he rolled over on top of her, kissing her gently. He unclasped her bra clumsily and she shrugged out of it, throwing it onto the arm of his chair.

He drew circles on the cold skin of her stomach and his hand moved to her knickers. She gasped into his hair, throwing her arms around his neck. He stopped—hesitantly, tentatively, adorably. He met her eyes and kissed her lightly, his fingers hovering delightedly close to the waistband of her knickers.

He kissed her neck gently and Lily heard a step outside her door. James rolled off the bed with lightning quick speed and pulled the covers over her, before collapsing into the chair and shutting his eyes. Lily pulled the covers over her head and tried to calm her rapidly beating heart.

The door opened slowly and Lily heard light footsteps on the floor. “James?” a voice whispered. It was Mrs. Potter. “What are you doing here?”

James didn't answer. Cloth rustled and James made a strange, incoherent sound.

“Good, you're up. What are you doing here?”

“I was just making sure she was okay. She woke up and I gave her that potion. Then I fell asleep—”

James cut himself off and sucked in a sharp breath.

“Get up, Lily,” Mrs. Potter said, her voice soft but leaden with anger. “Both of you—I want you in the hall in two minutes. Exactly.”

The door shut with a snap and Lily pushed the covers off, sitting up and dragging the sheet up around her chest. She shivered and crossed her arms over her chest, looking for her shirt. “What's wrong? How'd she know I was awake?” she asked quickly. “Why's she mad?”

As Lily pulled her shirt over her head and tugged on her jeans, James wordlessly pointed to her bra, hanging mockingly over the arm of the chair. “Oh, God,” Lily said, closing her eyes. “I'm…I'm stupid…”

“It's fine,” he said raggedly. “Don't worry about it.”

They trudged into the hall and stood before James's mother, who was devoid of the ridiculous robe she usually wore. She looked pale and gaunt and her hair hung lank around shoulders, looking like it needed a good wash.

“I was under the impression that you two weren't dating,” Mrs. Potter said quietly, her eyes blazing.

Lily opened her mouth to protest that they were not, but James shook his head every so slightly, and she looked at the ground.

“I can't stop you from sleeping together at school,” she said next, “but it won't happen in this house, and if I ever walk in on you again I'm going to lock you in the basement and keep you alive on tripe. Do you hear me?”

James nodded. Lily did as well.

“Go to your room, James. Lily, I want to talk to you.”

James slowly walked away, his feet dragging. Mrs. Potter stared at Lily, her expression suddenly weary. “You—are not what I expected for my son.”

Lily's head snapped up, and she wondered whether this seemingly warm woman was going to tell Lily that while she was a wonderful girl, but her blood was not pure enough for James.

“I envisioned someone—blonder, with bluer eyes. Someone…lighter…you're just…different…”

Lily hung her head, feeling shamed.

“But somehow…you seem to fit better than anyone else. I can't imagine a different person now.”

Lily looked up, her throat tight.

“Lily—I don't know how often you—you sleep with James, but—”

“We haven't!” Lily said hastily. “We wouldn't…we haven't…”

“Well your self-control seems a bit shoddy, doesn't it? You're not very far from the actual act!” pointed out Sabia, her eyes lighting up. “Both of you. If you get pregnant—if something happens—then what are you going to do?”

Lily opened her mouth in horror. She had not even thought…

“You shouldn't be doing the things you're doing in my house, Lily. But it seems that the both of you are attached at the hip—oh, ignore the pun—and if you dare do anything like this under my roof you'll have to leave.”

“I…” Lily clenched her fists in anger. Sabia had had a point with their carelessness—but she did not have any right to talk to her like this—like she was Lily's mother. Lily had a mother, a very good one.

“I'm just concerned,” Mrs. Potter went on. “You're both only seventeen—”

The side of Lily that had emerged at this house—the kinder side, was dwarfed by her regular self. Suddenly everything she had been holding back burst out. She had been away from Vince to long—she was turning weak. Every time James so much as looked at her she felt as if her knees would buckle. She was confused; she was angry. She was going to take it out on someone.

“You are not my mother,” Lily hissed. “Don't pretend to be! And don't treat me like…like…a child!”

Mrs. Potter looked as though a slap in the face could have hurt less. She opened her mouth and then shut it.

“Come on, Mum. Go back to bed,” James said, suddenly appearing from the shadows.

He took his mother's arm and led her down the hall, past Lily. Lily held absolutely still and heard murmured voices, then the sound of a door shutting quietly. James appeared at the end of the hall and he began to walk towards her.

It seemed to take an age. He stopped in front of her and looked down at her, his arms falling limp at his sides.

“I really thought…you had perhaps…I don't know what I thought, Evans,” he snapped.

Oh shit shit shit! Lily thought.

“My mother hasn't been a thing but welcoming to you. She is the best person I know—the best mother I know…you are just a bitch—”

“I'm sorry! I didn't mean it…James,” she finished.

“Get out,” he said, throwing her own words back in her face.

“But—”

“GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE!”

She stumbled backwards, towards the kitchen and towards the door. He stopped yelling suddenly, his face pale, and she opened the door quickly as he left her sight. She slammed it shut angrily and kicked the side of the house.

She was wearing a pair of jeans and a shirt, and it was below freezing. She wasn't even wearing a bra.

She quickly felt in her pocket and sighed when she recognized the feeling of her wand in her hand. She walked down the road a little ways, looking back at the house, perhaps to see whether James had changed his mind or not.

She hoped so. He had her favorite bra.

She chanced one more look at the house and began to worry. Surely he would come out and say yes, he was very angry, but she could come back in?

With nothing else to do, Lily fished some silver out her pocket and held out her wand hand for the Knight Bus.

……

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Join the community, read the intros, introduce yourself—remember to FLOCK!...

--Sarina

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10. Chapter Ten: Of Sherry and Control Freaks

Title: Lust…or Love?
Author: Sarinileni
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. Not at all. In the slightest.

Mature Subject Matter
Chapter 10: Of Sherry and Control Freaks
Date Begun: Thursday, June 10, 2004
Date Finished: Monday, June 14, 2004
Date Posted: Wednesday, April 22, 2005

You were everything I wanted…and now I don't know if everything is what I want.

--Anonymous.

……

Recap:

“Get out,” he said, throwing her own words back in her face.

“But—”

“GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE!”

She was wearing a pair of jeans and a shirt, and it was below freezing. She wasn't even wearing a bra.

She hoped so. He had her favorite bra.

She chanced one more look at the house and began to worry. Surely he would come out and say yes, he was very angry, but she could come back in?

With nothing else to do, Lily fished some silver out her pocket and held out her wand hand for the Knight Bus.

……

Lily supposed that she had just let herself get too attached to him.

She was a hormonally driven teenager; she liked the way he kissed her and the way he touched her. There was no other reason she had to want to be back in James's house, in that bed—preferably with a wholly naked messy-haired boy by her side.

“He's nothing special,” she told herself firmly. “I've got a hot boyfriend whom I'm going to shag. I'll wing it and it'll be fine.”

Ha, said a voice in her mind

“Oh, shut up.”

It was just five o'clock and Lily was in severe need of a stress reliever. She went to her father's cabinet and, looking around shiftily as if expecting someone to jump out at her, grabbed a bottle of sherry and a glass. She tipped the bottle and poured some of the drink into the glass, then dropped heavily down into the chair and rubbed her eyes with the heels of her hands.

“You've got to do something,” Lily said shakily, aloud. She looked at the cup in front of her and took a sip of the sweet beverage, sighing. “Think—think!”

She could conceivably break up with Vince—

Hold on just a moment. Lily sat up straight at the mere thought of breaking up with Vince. Of course she had thought about it before—how could she not, with the things he sometimes said to her?—but why on earth would she want to break up with Vince now? James was wonderful, she would freely admit that, but there was no way he would date her. She had seen the type of person James used to be—that person had to still be in him somewhere. If she broke up with Vince now, just when she was getting into this—thing with James, she was sure she would regret it later. If she broke up with Vince…she would have to accept that there was another reason her housemates did not like her, and she was nowhere near ready for that.

But James…Lily had finally seen someone who really seemed to like her, despite the fact that they were only supposed to be shagging. If she broke up with Vince now she could….

She almost knocked over her glass when someone banged on the door. The doorbell pealed several times and she winced at the shrill sound, jumping to her feet and hurrying out of the kitchen.

“I'm coming!” she called, maneuvering her way through her house. She had let herself in with the key, because her parents would never know. She would be gone by the time they got back from their trip, and they would be none the wiser. It was quite convenient, although Lily missed her mother and father dreadfully. Her sister she could live without—but not her parents.

She swung open the door irritably and froze.

James stood on her front stoop, shivering. She stepped aside to let him in and shut the door behind him, shell-shocked.

“I've been up all night looking for you,” he rasped, before clearing his throat several times. “I tried all of the Hollow—then I went back to Hogwarts—I even considered going to Malfoy's and risking the consequences. And here you are—in your house—where you should be.”

Lily blinked. “I…”

“Look, Evans. You were out of line, but so was I—”

“Well, yes, but—”

“—and you can't stay here by yourself. It's Christmas—”

“Potter—”

“—so you're coming back. I swear—it'll be just…business. I swear. I'll fuck you and that's it.”

It sounded much cruder coming from his mouth than hers when he talked about it. She swallowed, thinking about how she had just considered dating him, going out with him—and here he was, telling her he just wanted to shag.

Lily took a deep breath and looked up at him. “I can't come back. I can't face your mother. God—I don't know what happened to me, but I can't go see her.”

“She'll be fine—you can talk it out with her. But you can't stay here by yourself. It's Christmas Eve today.”

“Potter—”

“Look, Lily. You're coming back to my house, and that's that. You understand?”

Lily frowned. “Well—I suppose. But I can't stay for the New Year's party. Vince…if he's there, or even his brother…I just couldn't do it.”

James sighed, hesitation clear on his face. “Fair enough. You want to do this right now?”

“Do what?”

“Merlin and Agrippa, Evans, you're too slow—”

“Oh,” she exclaimed. “That? Here?”

“What, you want to shag at my house? My mother'd probably go bonkers. Even if we think we could hide it. I know she said not to but we will anyways. At least let your first time be here.”

Lily winced. “Well…” The idea of their bodies straining together on her childhood bed—in this house where such an act was decidedly forbidden, was deliciously sinful, but it was also so wrong.

“Come on,” Potter said briskly, taking her arm and leading her up the stairs. “Which room is yours?”

Lily pointed and he opened the door, leading her in and shutting it. He took a moment to look round and her peach colored walls and the matching coverlet, the royal blue carpet, and the old but polished cherry-wood furniture. He turned to her, his momentum seemingly lost. “Er…take off your clothes.”

Lily stared at him.

He waved a hand in front of her face. “Evans? Take off your clothes.”

She opened her mouth to protest but snapped it shut, because really, he was only here to shag her, and that was it. There did not need to be anything sweet about it—there did not need to be anything that gave her more pleasure than him, because she was learning how to shag—Vince, just Vince. All the same, she hesitated before unbuttoning her shirt in quick movements. She let it fall to the floor.

James did not look at her; he was too busy removing his own clothes. He threw them in a heap on the pretty carpet and glanced up at her. She played with the clasp of her bra, not entirely sure she should undo it. James looked a little uneasy now, too. He cleared his throat and pointed to the bed. “You should…lie down.”

She tentatively sat down on the bed and lay back on the unmade sheets, resting against the pillows, watching him sit down next to her, clad in only his boxers. He leaned over her and kissed her, almost mechanically. Lily shut her eyes and tried to think of anything else, but she could not. James crawled over and settled down next to her, drawing one of her legs over his hip and moving against her, lifting her skirt to a scandalous height. She gasped against his cold mouth.

“Okay,” he said coolly, not out of breath at all, as she was, “try to touch me.”

She reached out a hand and touched his shoulder, dragging her nails down diagonally across his chest and down to his navel. James's eyes closed halfway and he made a sound in the back of his throat, a sound that made her nearly explode with desire.

She ran her fingers lightly, gently, unsurely over the warm skin above the waistband of his boxers, feeling him press even closer and wiggle his fingers into the tops of her knickers. With one quick tug, he slid her knickers down over her hips and down to her ankles. She kicked out of them and they fell off the foot of the bed.

He met her eyes and did not look at her body, simply sliding a hand down her leg and massaging her thigh. The look in his eyes was calculating, cool, and it was also rather insulting. “Please…” she whispered, wanting desperately for him to show some sign of passion, some sign of desire.

He gave her no answer, leaning down to take her mouth again. This time there was something slightly different—something at least human, and then Lily broke away. James bent forward but she stopped him by putting a hand on his chest and pushing him away. “James—stop.”

He rolled his eyes and did stop, pulling back and resting his hands on the bed. Lily looked at him carefully, not entirely sure what she wanted to say.

“I—I'm not so sure this is a good idea,” she began.

James's response was immediate. “What do you mean, it's not a good idea?” His back stiffened.

“This,” Lily said vaguely, waving a hand around. “Us.”

“There isn't really an `us,' Lily,” James said wryly.

“We're together right now,” Lily replied tiredly, “and that makes an `us.'”

James sighed. “Fine. Us. What about us?”

Lily shifted her legs, smoothing her skirt into place. “I reckon I just…it's not like I thought it would be.”

“How did you think this would go?” James asked quietly.

“To be truthful—I couldn't tell you! I don't know what I thought this would be like but it's nothing like what I expected. If it was, I wouldn't be so shocked by all of this.”

“By all of what?” James probed.

Lily voice, when it came, was low and ashamed. “By what I'm feeling.”

She would never really be able to vocalize the expressions that stole over James's face right then. Not joy—not horror—not disgust—a mixture of sympathy and pity, perhaps, but for whom, she did not know. She did know that his face soon took on a slightly ominous color—yes, a color, and that she knew he was going to start in on her.

“If you weren't sure about this and how you were going to feel,” he told her darkly, “then you shouldn't have acted like a bloody whore and asked me to do this, then told me to stop. That's a bit fucked up, Lily—you don't have any clue what you're doing with your life, do you? I mean—you've got Malfoy and you're perfectly ready to be a slag from him—but really, past that, you're nothing special.”

Lily thought she now knew what Sabia Potter must have felt like when Lily had insulted her. A slap in the face could have hurt less. She looked down at her hands, struggling to breathe. James's uncalled for comment left a bad knot in the air between them, and all Lily could do was breathe harshly as she tried to formulate a response. She had said some bitchy things before, but she did not think she had ever hurt anyone as much as James had just hurt her in this one moment.

“Maybe,” she finally said, raising her head and meeting his eyes defiantly. “But at least I'm not really a whore and worse—I could be making myself into a slag for your happiness instead of Vince's.”

Had she seriously considered breaking up with Vince for this? James was just as bad…!

“And furthermore,” Lily said, quite formally and proud of herself for it, “while I'm still not perfectly clear about how I feel, at least I know you aren't…at least I know that…”

“You know what?” James mocked.

“At least I know that I'm not going to give up a good thing for an unsure bet,” she finished, biting her lip.

James shook his head, smiling slightly, and bent forward again; this time, he succeeded in kissing her warmly, his hands sliding into her hair with no hesitation. Lily would have like to bite his tongue, but when he was kissing her so nicely it was a little hard to do so. She knew that at some point they would have to deal with the fact that he thought her a whore, but there was nothing for it but to continue now.

There was the rustling of wings in the room and Lily gasped against his mouth, pulling away and looking up at the owl, which dropped a letter on her face. Lily sputtered, grabbed the letter, and tore it open, scanning it while James's mouth rested lightly against her neck.

Hello, Lily. Lucius went to Hogwarts today and imagine his surprise when—looking for you to give you a note from me, he found that you weren't there! I was quite shocked you see, but I'm sure there's an explanation. I supposed I'll come over to you house to see around half five today, all right?

Lily gasped and sat up, rolling away from James and falling to the ground. The clock read twenty-six past five.

“What's wrong?”

“Vince is coming,” she hissed, yanking her skirt down and smoothing out the impossible wrinkled. She found her shirt and buttoned it with trembling fingers, her eyes widening when the clock ticked on minute by. Vince was hardly ever late.

“Lily?”

“Shut up!”

She was missing her knickers. She got down on her knees and looked under the bed then on the floor near the end, but she could not find them.

“Lily?”

“Hold on!”

Her hands were trembling. If Vince found James in here…she did not want to think about it. She banged her head on the bottom of the bed as she jumped up and squeezed her eyes shut in pain, rubbing the back of her head.

“Evans!”

She brought her glare up to James's level. “Alright, James. What is it?”

Twenty-eight past five.

“Come here.”

“Why?” she whined, stepping closer. He pulled her in by the hips and patiently unbuttoned her haphazardly fastened shirt, then buttoned each button up again, matching them with their proper holes. His fingers brushed against her skin with each completed button and Lily could not stop herself from running her hands through his hair just once. James finished and drew his hands down along the sides of her thighs.

“Alright, Lily?” he asked softly, looking up at her.

This was his way of apologizing for what he had said before. Lily tried not to forgive him but found herself agreeing with James anyways.

One minute! Lily gave up on her knickers and gently extricated herself from James's delightful grasp. She held a finger over her lips and looked at James, who was done being apologetic and was smirking. She pulled open the door and smoothed her hair, motioning for him to hide under the bed, or do something helpful.

She heard the door open downstairs and cursed herself for leaving it open. James opened his mouth to say something but she drew her hand across her throat in a jerky fashion, telling him to cut it out.

“Lily?” Vince's voice carried upstairs and Lily took a deep breath.

“I-I'm here!” she said hoarsely. “What are you doing here? How did you get in?”

She shut the door to her bedroom and ran down the steps, coming face to face with Vince, who leered. “I let myself in,” he said impatiently.

Lily cast about for something to say. “How did you know I was here?”

He didn't answer, but he leaned forward and kissed her harshly, putting his hands on her hips and running them down the sides of her thighs. Lily shuddered, James having done just that seconds ago.

“Did you get my letter?”

“Oh, yes.” Lily laughed nervously and tried not to glance upstairs. “My parents said I should come home because Petty wanted some alone time with Vernon and they might be back. I suppose they trust me enough not to do that.” She nodded towards the bottle of sherry on the table.

Vince wrinkled his nose. “Muggle rubbish?” he asked, avoiding touching anything. Lily was extremely affronted but for once, decided not to show it. He just needed to leave or James would…do something stupid.

“Well,” she said, tucking her hair behind her ear and leaning away from him “Why are you here?”

Vince surveyed her posture, her hair, her clothes, and he frowned. “How can you wear those rags?”

Lily tried to keep her temper in check. “Why are you here, Vince?”

“I mean really, if you're going out with someone like me, you might as well dress better—”

“Why are you here?” she burst out loudly.

“Because I heard you were at Potter's,” he snapped back, finally losing his temper.

“If you think,” she said levelly, lifting her chin, “that I, for even one second, would go to James Potter's house, then you're mad. And you need help.”

“If I was with you, would you mind going to his house?”

Lily was about to furiously say no, but then she paused. “What?”

“The Potters host the Ministry Holiday Party every year. You're coming—I want you to come with me.”

“No,” she said immediately.

“Why?” he demanded. “Did you get in a fight with him? Is that why you're here instead of at his house?”

This was so close to the truth that Lily faltered, and Vince saw it. She pulled him close and kissed him deeply to distract him, breaking away and saying, “I'll come, all right?”

“Wear a dress,” he added.

“Of course…”

“And—”

He was cut off by the shrill ringing of the telephone. Lily went over and picked up the receiver.

“Hello?”

“Is Marianne there?” asked a gruff voice on the other end.

And quite suddenly, Lily got one of those ideas.

At least it would get her boyfriend out of her house so she could keep him from finding out about her would-be shagging partner.

“Mum?” she asked, flicking a glance at Vince.

“Huh? I asked if Marianne was there.”

“You're coming home right now?” she asked.

“Listen—if you're playing with me—” said the man with the unique voice.

“Oh…is it okay if my friend is over, from school?”

“What in bloody hell is going on?” asked the gruff-voiced man.

“Not allowed? But Mu-um…”

“That's it.”

The person on the other end of the line slammed down the phone. “Goodbye mum,” Lily said. “I love you.”

She hung up and turned to Vince. “My parents are going to be here soon. You've got to leave.”

“Lily—”

“No. If I get in trouble with my parents I'm dumping you.”

Vince paled. “All right. I'm leaving.” He leaned forward and kissed her. Lily kissed him back just as hard, then broke away and showed him to the door. Again, she noticed, he refused to touch anything.

“Bye,” she said.

“Bye. I'll come get you so I can take you to—”

“No,” Lily said, her heart racing. “I'll get my friend to take me.”

Vince laughed. “You don't have any friends, Lily.”

Lily glared at him. “There's a girl in my dorm named Rebecca who I'm friends with. I'll see you at the fucking party, okay?”

Vince stalked off without another word and Lily shut the door, drained. She heard a step on the stairs and looked up, seeing James in only his boxers.

“Oh,” she said dispassionately. “It's you.”

“No, it's the other bloke you've got up there that you're hiding from your boyfriend. He's a little control freak, isn't he?”

Lily was going to deny it, but Vince acted so much like a spoiled child sometimes that she had to agree.

“You just…shut up,” she said lamely. “And hand me my knickers. I see you holding them.” He threw them to her and she slipped into them, smoothing her skirt back into place. She looked up at him. Whatever had happened upstairs was done now. “So now what?”

James grinned slowly. “You want to get my mum an apology present?”

……

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11. Chapter Eleven: Of Gifts and Giving In

Title: Lust…or Love?
Author: Sarinileni
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. Not at all. In the slightest.

Mature Subject Matter
Chapter 11: Of Gifts and Giving In
Date Begun: Monday, June 14, 2004
Date Finished: Tuesday, June 15, 2004
Date Posted: Wednesday, April 22, 2005

Sex should be wild. Unfettered and free. We're animals, aren't we? And, basically, we're all wolves in sheep's fur. I always wanted more. Not frequency, I am not talking about frequency; although that would have been great, too. I wanted more intensity. I wanted to be out there, outside myself, outside my skin. I wanted sex to be like robbing life out of the jaws of death!

Robin Green, Northern Exposure, Goodbye to All That, 1991

……

Recap:

Lily glared at him. “There's a girl in my dorm named Rebecca who I'm friends with. I'll see you at the fucking party, okay?”

Vince stalked off without another word and Lily shut the door, drained. She heard a step on the stairs and looked up, seeing James in only his boxers.

“Oh,” she said dispassionately. “It's you.”

“No, it's the other bloke you've got up there that you're hiding from your boyfriend. He's a little control freak, isn't he?”

Lily was going to deny it, but Vince acted so much like a spoiled child sometimes that she had to agree.

James grinned slowly. “You want to get my mum an apology present?”

……

Lily and James walked slowly through the streets Muggle London, talking occasionally and sipping from cups of steaming hot chocolate which they had bought at a kiosk down the road. Every so often they would stop outside a shop and look in, before passing by and resuming their stroll in most comfortable silence. Lily did not know about James, but she thinking about how close Vince had been to finding James with her in her bedroom. She did not feel the least bit guilty about it, for some reason, but she was terrified of what could have happened. There was no telling what Vince could have done.

“So you've really never stayed at the Leaky Cauldron?” James asked her incredulously, bringing up what they had been discussing ten minutes ago.

“Well, I've never had a need to, have I? I mean…my mum's always picked me up right after I get my supplies and I've got no friends to visit…so yeah, I've never gotten a room there.”

James shook his head. “You're so very strange. Staying at the Leaky Cauldron every summer is…something me and my friends have to do every year. It's tradition. It's great. We just explore the Alleys for a week and stay there…drink…Tom loves us, I swear.”

Lily shrugged and gulped down some hot chocolate. “That actually sounds like fun.”

James snatched her hat off her head and tossed it in the air, catching the white scrap of fabric again effortlessly. “It's great fun,” he told her teasingly, turning quickly so she could not get her hat back.

Lily gave up and let him have it. As soon as she gave up chase, he settled it back on her hair at a jaunty angle, smoothing it away from her face. Lily smiled into her cup. “So,” he began. “Anything interesting?”

Lily shook her head. “I think I should just get magical presents. We can go to Diagon Alley and stay at the Leaky Cauldron, perhaps.”

A glint appeared in James's eyes. “You know, you might be onto something there.”

Lily's eyes widened. “Oh, no. Nope. I was kidding. Don't you have to get home?”

James shook his head and avoided her eyes. “My parents are out tonight. They'll be back by about nine tomorrow so I have to be back before then so we can do presents and such.”

Lily frowned. “Your…they're out on Christmas Eve? Without you? Are they at a party?”

James sighed and threw his empty cup in a nearby trashcan. It made a forlorn clanging sound. “They're working,” he said shortly.

Lily nodded slowly, her frown deepening. It wasn't right for James to miss out on being with his parents on Christmas Eve. His previously light air had gone, and now he was brooding, his hands shoved in the pockets of the coat she had lent him. Lily nudged him and smiled playfully. “Let's get a room. It's got to happen sometime.”

He looked at her sharply, his eyes locking onto hers with an almost animal intensity. “Want to get it over with, do you?”

Lily paused, throwing out her own empty cup in a nearby trashcan. “Well…I just rather want to see what it's like,” she told him quietly, the sound of traffic almost drowning out her words. James tugged her closer by the hand and watched her face closely. Lily held her breath but he merely nodded and said, “Come on. It's not far from here.”

After a brisk fifteen minute walk, they entered the dingy looking pub that many Muggles kept walking past. The air inside the pub was smoky; there was a fire roaring in the corner and people were crowded around every surface. Every stool, table, and chair was occupied. James grabbed Lily's arm—not her hand, she noticed—and led her through the mass of people until they had shoved their way up to counter in front of a man with a bright smile.

“Hey, Tom,” James said. “We need…two rooms please.”

Lily kicked him in the leg and he winced but did not look at her.

The man's bright smile never dimmed, it seemed. “Sorry, only got one left. And that was almost about to go, as it is. It's mad here, of course. Always is on Christmas Eve.”

“That room's fine,” said James. “What number?”

“Eight,” the bartender replied, handing him a key. He glanced at Lily. “Will you be wanting anything to drink?”

James shrugged, toying with the key. “Send up some Firewhisky around midnight, I guess. Thanks, Tom.”

Tom was already gone, pouring a vile looking green-colored drink into the cup of a scruffy looking wizard, who sent Lily a sly look, one she returned by raising her eyebrows at James. James pocketed the key and they got through the throng, going out into the courtyard and gratefully breathing in the fresh air. James tapped the brick above the rubbish bins and the archway appeared: the entrance to Diagon Alley. James led Lily through and she gasped.

It was absolutely beautiful. Lights that seemed to move hung from every shop sign and every available space. There were miniature Christmas trees all around, decorated magnificently with elaborate ornaments. Snow dusted the tops of signs and shimmered in the light from the shop windows. Its packed with people rushing to and fro, but nothing could dim the absolute brightness of the starts. Lily saw James watching her and she gave him a small smile. “It's really…”

“It's rather breathtaking, isn't it?” asked James. “Haven't you ever been here at Christmastime?”

Lily shook her head slowly.

“It's great. Come on.”

And so the search for The Present began.

They looked at books (“You're apologizing, not trying to kill her with Russian classics.”), at jewelry (“You're not going to bloody propose.”), at stationery (“Can't you be a little more original?”), at kitchen supplies (“You're supposedly her son's girlfriend, not her seventy year old friend!”)

“Well then what do I get her?” Lily asked desperately, and then stopped walking. James, who was idly brushing lint of his coat, bumped into her and opened his mouth to complain. He shut it promptly.

They were standing outside the window of an extremely small dress shop. On display was the most beautiful shawl, and it was the perfect color to accentuate Mrs. Potter's warm eyes. It was a tawny color, marked with black beads and black embroidery around the side. Small flowers bloomed and then turned into buds again at the corners. The entire thing shimmered with magic. In a haze, Lily entered the shop, distantly hearing the bell and the sound of James's voice behind her. She picked up the shawl and gasped as warmth flooded her body.

“Ah, I see someone's been chosen.”

Lily looked up at the sound of the melodic voice. An old woman stood in front of her, almost a head shorter than her, with white hair that touched the floor and pointy ears. Her eyes were…purple.

“That's a very special shawl,” the woman continued in her beautiful voice. “It's made from the essence of a lethifold, as well as—”

Lily dropped the shawl in horror. James caught it before it hit the floor.

“—the essence of a Patronus,” the woman finished. “It chooses the buyer, you see. I won't sell it until I'm sure it's going to the right person. You've got a good reason to buy it, I suppose.”

Lily shook her head. “Lethifolds—”

“Don't be silly,” the woman said. “It's used to keep away darkness. It's not entirely proven what it does or how it works, and it's the only one like it in the world, but you've got a reason to buy it, so you will.”

Lily was not at all put off by this speech. She obediently reached into her bag and drew out ten galleons, handing them over without another thought and gazing woefully into her bag, sad at the loss of so much money. She would not be able to buy sweets for the rest of the year to pay this purchase off.

It was worth it, if she could give it to Mrs. Potter as a gift.

They left the shop and the woman with the shawl carefully wrapped it up in brown paper, as well as the frilliest nightgown Lily had ever seen, so she could have something to sleep in. The walk back was silent and it had begun to snow while they were inside, light flakes that were rather perfect. They reached the pub and went in, thrown by the blast of noise that met them on their way up to their room.

James forced his way through the crowd—this time holding Lily's hand, she noticed with a barely suppressed grin—and up a dark staircase. He opened the door to room number eight and they entered. He shut the door and locked it, throwing the key on the dresser. There was a slight snoring sound coming from something—the mirror?

Well, that could turn out to be rather disturbing. And kinky.

Now that they were away from the smoke and noise, away from the snow outside, things were different. Lily was suddenly acutely aware of what was likely to happen tonight, in this room, and it scared her witless. She set the package down on the dresser, in front of the snoring mirror, and frowned. She took off her coat and draped it over the chair, watching James avoid her eyes.

“This is really stupid,” she said, snapping the tension in the room with an almost audible sound. James grinned.

“It is at that.”

“So…should we just do this?”

James nodded. “Later. After the drinks…oh, they're up here. I told him to come up at twelve.”

Lily glanced at her watch. It was half-past ten. “Oh, well. Pour it. I'm changing.”

She stepped into the small loo and took off everything, hesitating only at her knickers before pulling them off too. She took out the old-fashioned nightgown from the old woman's shop and she pulled it on. It was white and rather see-through, but that could not be helped.

She stepped out into the room, leaving her clothes in a heap on the floor, and James looked her over extremely slowly. Lily held still under his gaze and then met his appreciative eyes, feeling at ease for the first time that night. She sat down on the bed with him and took a glass, sipping it happily. It had been so long since that night in sixth year when she had drowned herself in a bottle of Firewhisky after Vince...don't even worry about it, she told herself.

“Is this really necessary?”

“What?”

“The alcohol,” Lily asked.

“You're a lot more likely to enjoy this if you're slightly tipsy, Evans,” James said quietly, chewing on his bottom lip.

He poured her another glass when she was done, hardly taking any himself. Lily's head was buzzing from the strength of the alcohol, and James poured her one more glass before setting the bottle aside. Lily was tipsy now, but she was sober enough to know what was going on. James was a smart boy; he had given her the perfect amount of alcohol to make her pliant, but not enough to get her anywhere near the point where she did not know what was going on.

She shifted and took his hands, pulling him down until his body covered hers. Lily kissed him deeply, her head swimming but the sensations ten times more intense then they had been earlier that day. For some reason, he was not as calculating this night—all the anger she had felt earlier was gone, replaced by the most indescribable feeling of…James.

She unbuttoned his shirt slowly, taking her time and trying to work her clumsy fingers. She pulled the shirt off his shoulders and down his arms, throwing it to the side and seeing it drape over the mirror, glad that it wouldn't be able to see them—if mirrors could see, that is.

James broke away from her just long enough to lean down and grab her nightgown at the ankles, pulling it up to her waist. He kissed her neck gently and she moaned, arching up against him and reaching for his belt buckle. She undid it with trembling fingers.

James said nothing, as she pushed his trousers and his boxers down over his hips and then dragged her nails up his sides and onto his shoulders. James's body tightened over hers at the sensation and she leaned up to kiss him, at the same time pushing his trousers and boxers down lower, then working them off with her legs. She heard the clink of his belt buckle as it dropped to the floor and with a shock, looking down, realized that James was naked.

She stared for only a second before James ran his hands up the front of her body and up her neck, lifting her chin—and her eyes—when he tipped her head back. He kissed the hollow of her throat and suckled at her pulse point. Lily threaded her hands into his messy hair—knowing it was the one thing that was sure to please him—and sighed, gasping with surprise as he pulled her nightgown over her head in one movement.

They were both naked, now, and one thought was running through her mind.

Is that supposed to fit in me?

James grabbed Lily's hands, intertwining his fingers with hers and lifting them above her head. He gently let go of her hands, tickling his fingers down her arms, her shoulders, her collarbone. He suckled gently on her skin, his warm moist mouth focused on her upper body. She felt…insane. She could not pinpoint just what it was that she was feeling, but insanity was part of it. When he pulled away from her, she shook her head dizzily and tried to pull him back.

“Let him do what he wants,” James whispered in her ear, making her jump from the suddenness of it. “Just let him do what he wants.” It was his first allusion to the fact that this would probably be happening with Vince, and she snapped out of her daze and realized that James had just ruined it, whether intentionally or not.

There was nothing else she could do. She nodded to show that she understood.

“Lily…”

“Mmm…?”

“You're gorgeous.”

How utterly romantic, Lily thought. Her mouth fell open the slightest bit in her own version of shocked—as shocked as she could be when James was kissing her neck like that, but she had not a second to think about it, because James's hands were grasping her hips hard. She met his eyes and then felt his hand move between her thighs.

“Oh, Jesus,” she gasped. “Oh…”

He stroked her slowly, the feeling he created so marvelous Lily could not think. He was moving lazily—almost not moving at all. Lily fisted the sheets in her hands hard and pushed herself against him. He was touching her in the most intimate way possible—in the most sinful way possible…she was angry with herself for enjoying this, angry with herself for enjoying him…

But she could not stop. She craved this. She craved it with James Potter, no matter how mad it was.

She moaned loudly and pulled him closer by his hair, shivering when his mouth brushed the hollow of her throat.

“Please…” she said raggedly. “I need…”

James seemed to know exactly what she needed. He moved closer to her and buried his face in her neck as he hurt her in such a way that she had never been hurt before. She knew that she was weak and she was crying but James breathed hotly onto her neck, his moan vibrating through her body. He was shaping words against her skin but she had no idea what they were, only that this was killing her and it was taking forever—but it was starting to feel good, feel better, feel amazing…there were so few words Lily could find to describe what she felt at the end of that night—ecstasy, thrill, bliss…but it was James and it was just him and she was so utterly confused by what she could be feeling. It hurt to move and James tried to make it better afterwards but there was nothing he could do except lightly stroke her back and let open the window a little so she could see the stars and feel the frigid breeze on her skin, like a drop of cold water on the hottest day of August. He pulled the heavy covers up over them and made sure she fit tightly against his body before his breathing lulled her into one of the most contented and restful sleeps of her life.

……

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Join the community, read the intros, introduce yourself—remember to FLOCK!...

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12. Chapter Twelve: Of Apologies and Collapses

Title: Lust…or Love?
Author: Sarinileni
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. Not at all. In the slightest.

Mature Subject Matter
Chapter 12: Of Apologies and Collapses
Date Begun: Tuesday, June 15, 2004
Date Finished: Tuesday, June 15, 2004
Date Posted: Wednesday, April 22, 2005

If I've done anything I'm sorry for, I'm willing to be forgiven.

Edward N. Westcott

……

Recap:

But she could not stop. She craved this. She craved it with James Potter, no matter how mad it was.

She moaned loudly and pulled him closer by his hair, shivering when his mouth brushed the hollow of her throat.

“Please…” she said raggedly. “I need…”

James seemed to know exactly what she needed. He moved closer to her and buried his face in her neck as he hurt her in such a way that she had never been hurt before. She knew that she was weak and she was crying but James breathed hotly onto her neck, his moan vibrating through her body. He was shaping words against her skin but she had no idea what they were, only that this was killing her and it was taking forever—but it was starting to feel good, feel better, feel amazing…there were so few words Lily could find to describe what she felt at the end of that night—ecstasy, thrill, bliss…but it was James and it was just him and she was so utterly confused by what she could be feeling. It hurt to move and James tried to make it better afterwards but there was nothing he could do except lightly stroke her back and let open the window a little so she could see the stars and feel the frigid breeze on her skin, like a drop of cold water on the hottest day of August. He pulled the heavy covers up over them and made sure she fit tightly against his body before his breathing lulled her into one of the most contented and restful sleeps of her life.

……

Lily woke the next morning to the feeling of sunlight playing on her face. She opened her eyes and immediately shut them, wincing at the slight headache she had. She rolled onto her other side and buried her face in James's chest, breathing deeply. He smelled like sweat and…something else she could not quite place. She shivered and pressed closer, trying to pull the blanket up over both of them. She bit back a cry at the pain that assaulted her whenever she moved, for she was still incredibly sore from the previous night.

It had hurt terribly, much more than she thought it would. It still hurt to move, but she looked up at James and the shadows his dark lashes made beneath his eyes. She swallowed hard as a forbidden feeling of affection welled up in her chest. She blinked then it was gone. She sighed, relieved. Lily felt her face flush red and she stretched like she had seen her old cat do. James groaned and curled around her, breathing into her hair. He stirred again and his eyes blinked open for a moment before he focused on her.

“Morning,” he said easily.

“Morning,” Lily replied quietly, not sure how to act.

“What time is it?”

How casual he was…how little awkwardness there was. It was strange in a way, but not, Lily thought, bad.

“Seven,” said a muffled voice. Lily gasped and looked up, her eyes shooting to the mirror, which was still thankfully covered with James's shirt. “Just because I couldn't see you doesn't mean I couldn't hear you, dearies,” the mirror said cheekily. Lily bit her lip and bowed her head, mortified.

James laughed, though, and then pulled the covers up around them, holding her tightly. “Hello,” he said cheerily, his face right next to hers.

“Hi,” she said weakly.

“We should go home.”

Home. Right. She nodded. “All right.”

“You want to shower?”

She didn't really, but she supposed she should. “Sure.”

“You go first.”

She hesitated before steeling herself, rolling out of the bed and walking into the bathroom, naked, feeling his eyes on her the entire way. She shut the door and leaned against it, breathing heavily. She turned on the water in the tub and looked around, glad to see a stack of towels on the sink.

She bit her lip and stretched, aching all over, but in a good way. She felt…satisfied, as if all the frustration that had built up over the past week had finally been unleashed. She was actually quite giddy. So giddy, in fact, that she did not notice the tub overflowing.

When the water began to seep over onto the floor she gasped and turned off the tap, but it must have been old, because the handle came off in her hand with a grating sound and fell into the swirling water, which was still being poured in by the tap. She tried to cover it with her hands and got sprayed with water instead. Lily sputtered and spit some water out, now furious. If the bloody tap was so bent on her destruction, could it at least avoid getting her wet?

She winced at the pun, even though it was in her mind, and made a sound of fury.

“Evans?”

She whirled at the sound of her surname and slipped, falling to the ground and shrieking at the feel of cold water on her skin. James burst through the door in his boxers and stared at her, his eyes wide. He went back into the room and came back with his wand, and then stopped the water with a wave. “I'm going to get in trouble for that, Evans,” he pointed out. “Not supposed to use magic outside of my house. What are you doing?”

She fished the tap handle out of the tub and stood shakily, handing it to him. “It broke.”

“Reparo!” James said, and it was good as new.

Lily fervently wished she had her wand so she could curse the smirk off his face.

“Okay, so I think I'm pretty clean now,” she said in disgust, flushing when his eyes trailed over her body.

He considered her, looking like he was hiding a smile. His eyes twinkling, he said, “I think I like you wet.”

Lily's jaw dropped and she stepped back as he entered the room. “Um…”

“Well you can't expect him to not say things like that.”

“I don't think I'll be drenched in water when I'm around Vince,” she retorted.

“You're drenched in water around me,” he remarked.

“Well you're different,” she snapped. “I'm not dating you, am I?”

“No,” he said quietly, “you're not. And thank Merlin for that. Maybe you should get dressed now.”

She pushed past him, trying her hardest not to touch him. How come every time they argued he came out on top? She remembered a towel and heard the splash of water before the door to the loo slammed shut behind her.

She dressed herself in the clothes from the previous day and wrenched the door open, stomping down the stairs and past Tom at the bar, who looked at her in surprise but said nothing. She walked out into the courtyard and into Diagon Alley, which was still decorated in Christmas glory. It was bustling even at this early hour of the morning.

She needed a present for Mr. Potter, and one for Vince as well. She needed something for everyone, and it was ridiculous to do her shopping on Christmas morning.

With a frown, she began.

……

Half an hour later, she had a gift for everyone in her family plus Vernon Dursley, as well as a cheap but interesting-looking book she had picked out for Remus. Vince was taken care of, and she had picked up something for James's dad.

She was passing by Eyelop's Owl Emporium on her way back to the pub when she stopped and put her hand on the door handle, hesitant. Should she…?

James had told her during their walk in London that he had had a pet Kneazle before, one who had died of old age, and he had never had a pet since. Perhaps…

She stepped into the dusky shop and looked around. She bypassed the owls, knowing that James had one. She looked at Fwoopers, Puffeskeins, and countless other pets, but found none suitable. She stopped in front of the Jarvies, which were chattering on at high speed. One, however, was silent, burrowing its head in the wood chips that made up the floor of its cage.

She signaled over the clerk, who came to her with an engaging smile.

“Happy Christmas,” she greeted, and Lily returned the sentiment with a smile before looking back at the cage.

“What's wrong with that one?” Lily asked, pointing to the snow white, silent Jarvey.

The shopkeeper stopped smiling. “Never talked. Not once. Doesn't even socialize. I've tried to sell it for its pelt—look at that beautiful white—but I can't get any real offers. It's only two weeks old, but Jarvies start talking the second they're born. I think it's mute or something—not a word!”

Lily watched with interest as the Jarvey raised its white head and looked straight at her with intelligent black eyes.

“I'll take it,” she said resolutely. “Is it female? Or male?”

“Female,” said the clerk. “Are you sure you want her? There are much better ones—”

“How much?”

The shopkeeper hesitated. “Five galleons.”

“Three.”

“Done.”

Lily handed over the gold and waited until the Jarvey was put into a traveling cage. She left without another word and bought some wrapping paper, sitting at a table to wrap it up. She left a slit for air and felt bad about leaving it in the dark, but she needed some way to hide it from James. She had bought food as well, along with water, which she had place in with the animal.

She went to the Diagon Alley Post Office and sent off her gifts to her family so they would arrive at her home (plus Vernon) and her gifts to Vince and Remus by express mail. She hefted her packages for the Potters in her arms and trekked back to the pub.

James was downstairs when she got there, fully dressed and sipping from a bottle of…water? Yes, it was water, not vodka, or whatever the Wizarding equivalent to vodka was.

“You're back. Good. We've got to leave. Here's the key. You can go get your stuff if you want.”

Lily was taken aback by his coolness but took the key from him and got the nightgown and the package with the shawl. She brought them back downstairs and slammed them on the table next to James, who was peering at the wrapped traveling cage with interest. “Is there something alive in there?”

Lily shrugged. “How are we getting back?”

“Floo. What is that?”

“What's floo?”

“Through the fireplace. Now what's in that package?”

Lily gently took it off the table and gathered her things in her arms. “Let's go.”

James frowned. “Are you hiding something from me?”

“Can we please just go? We're going to be late.”

James sighed. “Fine. But I'm going to find out what's in that package.”

Lily could not resist smacking him upside the head. He sheepishly rubbed the back of his skull and grimaced, then glanced at her. “Oh, and Lily?”

So they really weren't back to surnames.

“Yes?”

He smiled, almost shyly. “Happy Christmas.”

She found herself smiling back. “Happy Christmas, James.”

……

“James, dear! Are you—oh. Hello, Lily.” Sabia's voice was completely neutral and she gave Lily a bland smile that betrayed nothing of her real feelings. Her husband, who walked in behind her, settled an arm around her waist and gazed at Lily impassively. It was obvious that he had been told what Lily had said to Sabia.

Lily resisted the overwhelming urge to gulp. “Happy Christmas, Mrs. Potter. Happy Christmas, Mr. Potter.”

“Happy Christmas,” James said after Lily, hugging both his parents. His mother closed her eyes and held him to her tightly. She mumbled something to James, who gave her an extra squeeze and then let go. “Presents,” he said cheerfully. “And I'd better have enough.”

Mrs. Potter laughed weakly and nearly fell into a chair. She looked exhausted. Mr. Potter took of his cloak and eased his wife's off her shoulders. He removed her shoes and set them aside.

James had started the fire earlier and had opened the shades to let in the light. It was beautiful outside—crisp and white and breathtaking. He handed both his parents presents—presumably from him, and took one himself. Lily picked up the present she had gotten from her parents, her sister, and perhaps Vernon Dursley, which had come via the owl she had sent off earlier that morning.

They each tore into their presents. James's sprayed ink all over his face and he yelled something violent about Sirius, causing his parents and Lily to laugh. Lily herself had received twenty pounds and cloth enough to make a dress, or a set of dress robes, in a stunning cobalt blue color. She did not see what James's parents had received from him.

She opened a present from Vince that he had given to her before school let out—it was a pendant engraved with a lily. The pendant itself was green, the engraving silver. Lily sniffed at the distinct Slytherin-ness of it all and set it aside, pleased all the same. To her utter surprise, she had received something from Rebecca Rookwood, a girl in her dorm whose twin brother was a seventh year Ravenclaw. It was a silver box, round and about the size of her hand, and written on the top were these words:

Cave virum cum capillo niveo

Cave plusculus donarum dabi

It was Latin—but Lily didn't know any Latin except for spells. It was nothing to her. She opened the box and took out a piece of paper, marvellign that girl she hardly knew had sent a gift to her.

Dear Lily,

I don't know what this is. I think I had it made—though I don't remember ordering it. But when I touched it, I knew it was for you.

Love from,

Rebecca

Lily shrugged, slightly creeped out, and set the box aside. She had two gifts left—one from James's parents and one from Remus. She was glad she had gotten something for Remus, or she would have felt very awkward. James and his parents were still happily opening their presents.

She opened Remus's and smiled. It was a book: Dark Spells and How Not to Get Sliced Into Too Many Pieces to Find and Bury, or An Advanced Guide to Thwarting Those Bastards Who Use Dark Magic.

James's parents had given her a gold bracelet, this one with an L on it in curly font. The L seemed to move, shimmering with its own light in the daytime. She set it aside reverently and looked at James's parents, who were exchanging gifts. She was so intent in her watching of them that she jumped when James tapped her on the shoulder and handed her a gift.

She accepted the package from him and the twisted to the side and handed him the wrapped traveling cage. He was flushed—much like a little boy, and his eyes were gleaming happily. His smile was infectious, so much so that Lily grinned widely back at him. He ripped into the traveling cage and Lily watched, somewhat enchanted.

“Whoa…” he said quietly, looking at the Jarvey. Mr. and Mrs. Potter had stopped unwrapping and were watching. “Wow…Lily…this is…this is really…”

“It's demented,” she blurted. “I mean…it doesn't talk. It's supposed to—and it's a runt…it's too small…it's not—”

“It's great,” he said. “It's really amazing. Look at the white color…I don't care if it doesn't talk…look at her eyes. It's a she, isn't it?”

Lily nodded, hardly daring to hope that he would like it so much…

“Hedwig,” James proclaimed. “She'll be Hedwig. Thanks, Lily.” He smiled at her and she smiled back slightly, not meeting his eyes. She reached out a hand to stroke the strange Jarvey's head, and James caught her fingers in his own and squeezed. Lily trained her gaze on the floor and refused to look at him, refused to like him.

Mrs. Potter cleared her throat and Lily snatched her hand back as if she had been burned, ignoring James and tearing open his gift. They all watched in silence as she opened the box to reveal something plush and blue and white and gray—she pulled it out and it fell open, revealing a dressing gown made of the softest material she had ever touched—showing mountains and rocks and the ocean and a very blue sky. It was incredibly realistic.

There was a heavy pause.

“Thanks,” Lily said breathily, and hating herself for it.

“You're welcome,” he replied, his voice just as soft.

She stood quickly. “Mrs. Potter…can I…talk to you? Privately?”

Mrs. Potter nodded and got up from her chair, walking slowly over to Lily, almost as an old woman might. Lily picked up Sabia's package, which was still wrapped in brown paper, and followed her into the dark corridor, closing the door behind her.

“I'm really sorry,” she blurted, shoving the package into Mrs. Potter's arms. “I'm so sorry. You've got no idea—I shouldn't have said anything to you because you're right about it all. I shouldn't be sleeping with James—”

“I didn't say that,” interrupted Mrs. Potter mildly, but wearily. “I just said to be careful—to be sure you know what you're doing—”

“And I do,” Lily said fervently. “You're quite possibly the sweetest person I know, Mrs. Potter—so if you don't accept this apology I'm just going to die…”

“You can call me Bee,” said Mrs. Potter. “And of course I forgive you—even though I'm not that sweet. But that's what my name means in Gaelic, you know. Sweet. Clark calls me…never mind.”

Sabia was swaying, but she did not seem to notice. She began to rip open the package and she pulled out the shawl, gasping. Lily felt something warm inside her stomach—she was doing the right thing—but then Sabia turned ash white and stumbled—

She crumpled to the ground with a moan of pain, and Lily stared at her, immobile, taking in a sharp breath before running for James and Mr. Potter.

……

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13. Chapter Thirteen: Of Photos and Fights

Title: Lust…or Love?
Author: Sarinileni
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. Not at all. In the slightest.

Mature Subject Matter
Chapter 13: Of Photos and Fights
Date Begun: Wednesday, June 16, 2004
Date Finished: Monday, June 28, 2004
Date Posted: Tuesday, April 26, 2005

“And there was never any place
For someone like me to be
Totally happy
I'm running out of clock and that
Ain't a shock
Some things never do change
Never do change”

-Cavanaugh Park, Something Corporate

……

Recap:

“I didn't say that,” interrupted Mrs. Potter mildly, but wearily. “I just said to be careful—to be sure you know what you're doing—”

“And I do,” Lily said fervently. “You're quite possibly the sweetest person I know, Mrs. Potter—so if you don't accept this apology I'm just going to die…”

“You can call me Bee,” said Mrs. Potter. “And of course I forgive you—even though I'm not that sweet. But that's what my name means in Gaelic, you know. Sweet. Clark calls me…never mind.”

Sabia was swaying, but she did not seem to notice. She began to rip open the package and she pulled out the shawl, gasping. Lily felt something warm inside her stomach—she was doing the right thing—but then Sabia turned ash white and stumbled—

She crumpled to the ground with a moan of pain, and Lily stared at her, immobile, taking in a sharp breath before running for James and Mr. Potter.

……

Lily looked up when James stepped into the kitchen, almost knocking over her cup of hot chocolate. He looked tired—his hair was disheveled and his eyes were bloodshot, but he gave her a slight smile all the same, running his hands through his hair.

“How is she?”

He exhaled a shaky breath. “She's…fine. They tried every fucking test they knew and couldn't find anything wrong with her, and then some pansy intern suggested that perhaps she was exhausted. So they ran the test and…yeah. She hasn't been eating or sleeping or drinking enough—for a few moments there I thought…”

He shook his head and got a cup of water, downing it in one go. He leaned against the counter, breathing deeply.

Lily did not know what to do. She supposed she should hug him, but she was quite sure that something incredibly powerful would take root in her heart, and she couldn't risk that. She stayed where she was, waiting patiently for him to continue. Somehow, she knew he would.

“It's Christmas,” he began ranting. “It's Christmas. It's supposed to be happy. My mother shouldn't collapse because she has to work all the time—and…and…I don't know what the fuck is wrong with those Healers…but they are daft—bloody idiots—”

Lily decided it wasn't the best time to tell him that she wanted to be a Healer. She cleared her throat and tried to think of something she could say to help make things better.

“James—you're shivering.”

He set down his cup with a scraping sound and slammed his hands down on the counter. “She's so fucking cold—and I don't think I should be so screwed up over this—but Merlin—it's my mother—bad things don't happen to my mother. I was holding her hand and even though she's got a high fever her skin is freezing—I'm so cold…I need…”

He hung his head and shut his eyes, rubbing them behind his glasses. Lily had half-risen out of her chair when he exploded, but now she just sat back down and watched, slightly startled. A command was coming—she could see it forming on his lips. Half of her wanted to disobey, while the other half knew such a thing would be a pointless excuse to be contrary.

“Can you come here?” he asked quietly.

Mutely, Lily got up and walked over to him. He wrapped his hand loosely around her wrist and pulled her tightly against him. She held absolutely still and did not breathe, waiting for him to let her go. Her mind told her to struggle—but she only rested her head on his shoulder and pressed her face into his shirt.

“She's going to be absolutely fine,” he whispered, stroking her hair. “She just needs sleep.”

“I…” Lily cut herself off, confused, without any reason. Somehow they had switched roles, and he was reassuring her instead of the other way around. James was a person who gained comforting from comforting.

“I know.” He let her go and she stumbled back towards the table to her mug, not looking at him. “Do you want to see her?”

Lily shook her head. “Maybe later. Let her sleep some.”

James nodded and looked at his hands, an uncustomary motion of nervousness. “Perhaps we should go to bed or something?”

Lily raised an eyebrow. “James—it's two in the afternoon.”

James grinned. “Well, we didn't get much sleep last night.”

Lily laughed, albeit weakly, and sank into a chair. “No. We didn't.”

James sat down in the chair next to her. “This isn't happening the way we planned, is it?”

Lily shook her head. “I think…I had an idealized view of what this would be like. We'd shag—I'd learn—it'd be over. But…”

“It's different,” James finished grimly. “We're different.”

“We are,” Lily assented, sighing.

“Hey,” James said suddenly, “you want to look at some pictures?”

……

“What's that one of?”

James leaned closer and his hair brushed against her face. She paid it no mind and leaned in as well, peering at the blurry picture.

“Sirius throwing a bucket of pink toads on Snape's head,” James said triumphantly, sitting back.

Lily gaped at picture. “Where do you get that from?” She tilted her head to the side in an effort to see it better.

James pointed to the scribbles beneath the blurry picture and Lily frowned. “That's writing?”

James laughed. “That's Peter's writing.”

Lily shook her head. “So this is from last year?”

“Valentine's day,” James added triumphantly.

Lily shifted uncomfortably. She had not seen this live and in action because she and Vince had been out…discussing something or the other. In reality, she had been screaming at him so loudly that she had gotten a detention. Sometimes he made her so mad….

She pushed away the memory and smiled at James, who was staring at her.

“Hello?” she asked.

He started and his eyes focused. “Oh. Just…remembering.”

They flipped through the rest of the album and set it aside. James picked up one of the two left. “Here. Seventh year. I brought it from Hogwarts with me.”

They were sprawled on James's bed, a bottle of champagne nestled against the pillows and albums spread around them. Lily glanced nervously at the closed door, thinking that at any moment James's mother or father would walk in. Well, not his mother, but his father for sure.

Lily flipped open the book and laughed. It was a picture of herself, slapping James silly on Platform Nine and Three-Quarters. There had been a few other photos in their fifth and sixth year that showed her either yelling at him or inflicting bodily harm.

James frowned. “That's the first thing you did at the beginning of this year, and I've still got no clue why.”

Lily looked down. In truth, she had been attracted to him, and it had scared her. He had said a pleasant `hello', because after all, they would have to work together as Head Students, and she had slapped him across the face so hard he had had a mark there for three days, and all because the sound of his voice made her dizzy.

But then Vince had kissed her hello, and all attraction to Potter had been gone in an instant. Yes. All attraction. Gone. Vamoose.

James laughed suddenly and she looked down at the next page, which was covered in pictures of Sirius Black…with girls. There was one of him with Rebecca Rookwood, who was smiling exasperatedly, shaking her head; another with Mary Tudor, a girl in Lily's dorm whom she hated; one with him laughing with a blonde from Hufflepuff, and at least four others.

“Black is…such a womanizer,” Lily said, not cruelly.

James glanced at her with an indulgent smile. “That's rich, coming from Vincent Malfoy's girlfriend.”

“Oh, fuck you,” Lily said casually, and she pushed him right off the bed.

James grunted and got to his feet, collapsing down on the bed again and turning the page. They went through page after page after page, and then the photos ended, with one of James smiling widely in the dark common room, with Lily just in the corner, staring off to the side.

James stretched. “Well.”

“What's that one of?”

James looked to where she was pointing and made a quick grab for the album, but Lily got it first and flipped it open.

“It's baby pictures,” she said incredulously, delighted. James grumbled something. Lily looked down at the picture of newborn James in a crib and raised an eyebrow. “You were a wrinkly baby, weren't you?”

James glared and grabbed for the album again. Lily held it out of his reach and looked at the next page. “Ew…” she said, wrinkling her nose.

“Hey,” James said defensively. “I'm adorable!”

Lily would not admit it of course, but her brain was going, “Awww…” It was James in the tub, perhaps only a year old, with suds all over his messy (even then) hair. He splashed at the water and grinned up at Lily. She flipped through the pages. James grew progressively before her eyes.

She stopped at one of his when he was three or four. His mother was holding him tightly and he was bawling, but as Lily watched, he calmed under his mother's touch and fell asleep. The picture on the adjacent page was again of James and his mother. He was sitting in Sabia's lap, asleep, and Sabia was gently stroking his hair. She leaned forward and kissed the young James's forehead just so lightly. Lily blinked away tears and touched the edge of the picture gently.

James turned the page for her, his breathing loud and slightly ragged in the quiet room.

There were a few of James and his dad and a few of him until he was eight or so, and then the pictures ended. They stared at the back of the album for a good minute before Lily gathered the courage to break the peaceful silence.

“Is there another book?” she asked quietly after a moment.

James shrugged and hesitated. “I couldn't find it.”

Lily leaned forward to kiss him, propelled by an inexplicable urge, but at that precise moment he moved to set aside the albums and she pitched off the bed.

What the fuck? Can't you hold still, you little twat?

He looked down at her, sprawled over the floor, in alarm. “Are you all right?”

Okay, so maybe he hadn't been aware she was going to kiss him. Still…

Lily nodded and got back on the bed again, her face flaming. Presently, she heard James laugh and looked at him questioningly. “What?”

“I can't believe your aim is so bad you fell off the bed,” he said. “From now on—try not to kiss me first—”

Lily shoved him off the bed for the second time, outraged. Unfortunately, he grabbed onto her shirt (which tore) and she fell right on top of him. Since he was only inches away, she immediately kissed him and arched off his chest, pushing her pelvis into his. She broke away slowly and he grinned, rocking forcefully and reversing their positions so that he was on top.

“Half of me thinks Malfoy will want you to be unpredictable and take control,” he whispered in her ear. “And the other half thinks he'll want to control you.”

Lily did not reply. She was too busy wrenching his shirt over his head and sliding her fingers up his neck and into his hair. Lily had long since found out that James's weakness was his hair. He loved people playing with it or touching it or—as she definitely knew, tugging at it. Now he groaned deeply into her mouth he undid the rest of her ruined shirt, making Lily extremely glad she was wearing a button-down.

She broke away with a gasp and pulled down her skirt, kicking it off and lifting her leg. She was going to pull of her socks, but James beat her to it. He slowly ran a hand down her leg and slid off her sock, then did the same with the other. Lily shuddered and grabbed his arm.

Her head fell back when he undid his belt buckle and took off his pants and boxers. She felt something hard press against her hip and James's hands trailed slowly over her back, leisurely unclasping her bra and taking it off of her. Lily kicked off her knickers and rocked her pelvis against his, creating a…most assuredly delicious friction. He made a rasping sound in the back of his throat and gripped her hips, holding her still.

He pushed her legs apart and settled in between them, letting his full weight rest on top of her. “You're not tipsy this time,” he said hoarsely. “It'll probably hurt a bit—”

“That's okay,” she interrupted hastily. “Now…please…”

It did hurt slightly, but Lily gritted her teeth and steeled herself against the ache.

“Move your hips,” he gasped, and she did, unsurely at first but then with confidence. James's mouth fell open and he went still. “Oh—fuck—that feels good—”

Lily really wondered when he had last gotten laid. Aside from the obvious last night, of course.

“Do that again,” he gasped.

This isn't so hard—I could do this by myself—Lily thought. I don't need him to teach this to me.

“Circle your—your…” he said tightly. Lily did not understand what he meant, but he moved his pelvis in a slow circle and she let out a low, low moan deep in her throat.

Okay. Maybe not.

……

Afterward, Lily lay panting beneath him and he rolled off her, lying beside her and breathing just as heavily.

“Well. Well.”

Lily shivered. “It's cold.”

James reached for the blanket on her bed and pulled it down, letting the albums drop to the floor. He threw it over her body and his and Lily pulled it close. The feel of the comforter on her naked skin was…somehow erotic…arousing. She felt James chest rising and falling deeply against her back, and it lulled her right to sleep.

When Lily was shaken awake, she swore and pressed herself closer to James, furrowing her brow.

“Evans. Get up!”

“Go away,” she moaned. James stirred and his arm tightened around her waist before he relaxed again.

“Evans—get you arse up off the floor. Now!”

“Will you shut up, Black—Black?” Lily gasped and was startled into wakefulness when she realized who was above her. She snatched the covers to her body and glared up at him. “What the fuck do you think you're doing in here?”

“Apparently—” He cut himself off and ground his teeth together, then said, “Get up. I want to talk to you.”

“I'm not your slave,” Lily retorted, staying right where she was.

“Independence from the mouth of Vincent Malfoy's girlfriend—that's not something I ever thought I'd hear.”

“Just because I'm dating Vince doesn't mean I can't think for myself,” Lily hissed, feeling like hitting Black so hard he would feel it for weeks. “And if you really want me to join you in the hall,” she continued, dignified, “then I suggest you get the fuck out so I can put clothes on, you idiot.”

Black glared at her before stalking out of the room, muttering something about insult about her that compare her to a banshee or a troll or some other nonsense creature. She saw the Hedwig was curled on James's desk, asleep, and she stood and reached over to stroke the soft fur on her head. Hedwig twitched but did not wake. Lily put on a dressing gown and knelt, pulling the blanket up around James so he wouldn't get cold, tucking them around so he could not remove them. She stood and left the room, shutting the door quietly so as not to wake him.

“What are you doing here?” both she and Black asked at the same time.

Lily glared and crossed her arms, waiting for him to go first.

“I heard Bee was sick. I was coming in a few days anyway—so I came earlier.”

Lily was confused for a second about who Bee was, and then she remembered—Sabia. She could not think of Mrs. Potter as Bee, for some reason. “So—you came to see J—Potter's mum?” she asked disbelievingly.

Black took one step closer, his fists clenched. “She's a better mother to me than my mum'll ever be,” he said darkly. “So when she gets sick—I visit her.”

That was almost…sweet.

Lily slammed up her defenses against that thought. Sirius Black could never be considered sweet. “So…did you see her yet?”

“Not yet,” Black said grudgingly, moving so close she could smell his cologne and reaching for the doorknob behind her. “She's sleeping so I came to see hello to James. But obviously he's occupied. But I'm going to wake him up anyways, so it doesn't—”

“Don't wake him up!” Lily exclaimed, darting in front of him and squeezing between him and the door. “He's exhausted—” She stopped talking, realizing that she really should not care. She also flushed, as the look Black gave her—a flick up and down her body—told her exactly why he thought James was so exhausted.

But there was really no need, because the door opened and James emerged in only his trousers, causing Lily to fall and, as a reflex reaction, grab Black, who fell on top of her. Lily groaned and shoved at him, trying to make him get off of her.

“Black—get you arse away from me,” she said, wincing.

Black got up quickly and brushed himself off, looking at James, who was staring at them, bewildered.

“Er…hi Prongs,” Black greeted.

“Padfoot,” James said warily, holding out a hand to Lily to help her up. She grabbed it and hauled herself to her feet, wincing at the soreness in her limbs.

“I came to see your mum,” said Black, awkwardly.

The corners of James's mouth twitched upwards in a smile. “And not me?”

“Why the hell would I come to see you?” Black demanded.

James raised an eyebrow and Black smiled, if only slightly.

“Okay, you got me. Still, though. I seriously want to see your mum. And that's ser—”

James whipped out his wand from his pocket and pointed it at Black, who grinned. “Finish that pun,” James said levelly, “and I'll blow your bloody brains out.”

Black grinned and snatched James's wand out of his hand; Lily marveled at their easy friendship and even felt slightly wistful about it, wishing she had something like that with another girl. She had never gotten the chance to really experience a friendship with a girl. She had many acquaintances, even in Gryffindor, but no friends—even before Vince.

Black clapped James on the back and James grinned, and that was that. Black was officially staying at James's home, and there was nothing Lily could do about it.

……

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14. Chapter Fourteen: Of Duels and Defense

Title: Lust…or Love?
Author: Sarinileni
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. Not at all. In the slightest.

Mature Subject Matter
Chapter 14: Of Duels and Defense
Date Begun: Monday, June 28, 2004
Date Finished: Thursday, July 15, 2004
Date Posted: Tuesday, April 26, 2005

A person usually has two reasons for doing something: a good reason and the real reason.
Thomas Carlyle

……

“Are you sure you don't need anything else?” Black asked, stepping back from Mrs. Potter's bedside and regarding her with shrewd eyes. Lily glanced at Mrs. Potter—she was propped up against her headboard, her back to the huge windows which overlooked a large expanse of snowy ground before erupting into a tangle of wild trees that made up the woods behind their property.

“I'm fine, Sirius,” Sabia said, very impatiently. “And I really appreciate it—but could you all please stop fawning over me like I'm going to die? I'll be on my feet a couple of days and there's really no reason for me to need ice packs and Pepperup Potion and all those things.” She gripped the sheets in her hands. “Honestly, all of you…I'll be fine! I will be and I don't need all this because I'm not going to die or anything and then you won't have to pay for my funeral and Clark won't have to actually speak to my mother again—”

“Calm down, Sabia,” Mr. Potter said firmly, placing his hand over his wife's. “You're getting hysterical.”

“Hysterical, am I?” she demanded, sitting up straighter. Lily winced and stepped backwards. It was the next morning, and they were all in Sabia's room, checking on her. Sirius had gotten her tea, juice, and a glass of water, as well as a tray of assorted breakfasts he had told the two house elves, which Lily had only see once, to bring her. “Isn't that what you said before you left, Clark?”

There was a ringing silence in the room and then Clark pinned his gaze on his wife, who was glaring at him fiercely. “We have guests, Sabia,” he said softly.

“Bollocks to that. Sirius isn't a guest and Lily might as well know,” Sabia said righteously, and Lily hid a grin, still wondering what they were talking about. When had Clark left? What did that mean? “You still haven't apologized, you know, and I really—”

Lily grabbed at the back of James's shirt and the collar of Black's, dragging them out of the room to give the older Potters some privacy. They both struggled, but in the end the followed her.

“You're going to stretch my shirt, Evans!” Black said petulantly. Even James rolled his eyes at that. Lily did not deign to answer him, instead turning to James and opening her mouth to ask when his father had `left'.

“It's none of your business,” he said, cutting her off before she could speak, taking the words right out of Lily's mouth—or her brain. “Just forget about it. It's over.”

Lily frowned but let it go, for the moment, vowing to ask later. Both she and James looked to James for what was to follow.

“So,” James said, “any preference about what you two want to do?”

Lily turned her gaze into a glare. “Please don't put me into a group with Black. Address me separately or something—”

“Same for me, Evans,” Black piped up, looking at James. “Not with her.”

James rolled his eyes and put his fingers to his temples, rubbing them in small circles. He looked terribly exhausted. “Okay, you two. This is my house—even if you technically live here right now, Sirius. You're both staying here, so you might as well try to get along. You're both very alike, actually. So I'm either going to lock the two of you into a room together or you're going to shut up so the voices in my head aren't so chaotic—”

“Why don't you go sleep or something? Or get a cup of tea?” asked Lily, genuinely worried. He was going to wear himself out if he did not take care of himself. She cleared her throat and met his guarded eyes. “You're not any fun when you're irritable.”

James shot her an extremely disbelieving look and turned, heading for the kitchen and muttering about bossy Head Girls who had no idea how to deal with actual people.

“Well,” Black said jovially. “I think James is in a spiffing mood.”

Lily turned and marched up the stairs, leaving Black behind.

……

She was bored.

She considered wandering around outside the house and dismissed the idea in case Catherine was still around. Instead, she left her room and walked through the house, which was silent.

She came across Black staring broodingly into the fire in the drawing room, and he saw her before she could retreat.

“Ah, Evans,” he said, “anything wrong?”

She shrugged. “I'm fine. And you?”

“Don't be so polite,” he said easily, waving a hand and motioning for her to sit across from him. She did, realizing that he was drinking from a bottle of firewhisky. She wanted some to calm her frayed nerves, but she would gouge her eyes out before she would ask Black for alcohol.

“So,” he began in a conversational tone. “Are you fucking James?”

Lily paused, wondering how best to handle this and whether she really had to. It was Black—she could just walk away and ignore him. “Do you think I am?”

He frowned. “Do you normally sleep naked with blokes you aren't shagging?”

Lily smiled a little and raised an eyebrow, sitting back in her chair. “Good point. Very good point. So you caught me—now what?”

“Are you still dating Malfoy? Whassisname? Valeria? Vicky? Vince? Yes, it's Vince.” He said in a snide tone, his sneer making it clear what he thought of that particular name.

“Yes,” Lily gritted out.

“So you're cheating on a Malfoy with a Potter. That's terribly special.”

“Why is it so special?” Lily asked angrily, glaring at Black.

“The Malfoys and the Potters are in a feud of sorts, have been since before the day James was born.” He snorted. “It's gotten even worse since the day he was born.”

Lily perked up but Black did not notice. She knew she should not take advantage of his obvious tipsy state to pry information out of him, but she could not help herself.

Eh—it's not like he would realize. How smart could Black be?

She cleared her throat. “What happened the day James was born?”

Black threw her a look of disgust. “Are you stupid, Evans? December 31, 1960.”

Lily stared at him blankly. “What?” The date was extremely familiar, but she could not put her finger on just what it was. She was sure she had heard it sometime—perhaps in school or during a class. She could look in one of her textbooks later.

Black sighed heavily and took a long swig from the bottle. “Evans. Think. Use your brain. James wasn't born in St. Mungo's. He was born inside the Ministry. On December 31, 1960.”

Lily got up and sat down on his couch, right next to him. “I don't understand. Why does that matter? Why should it make him hate his birthday?” Remus said something about it…James is a Ministry Baby?

Black sighed. “Merlin—Evans, do you know anything at all? Oh, wait—you're Muggleborn. But still—you should know since you're so smart. And you're very pretty too—very, very, very pretty. Hot, even, I'd say. Too bad you're—”

“Black—” Lily choked, holding back laughter at his vacant expression.

There was the sound of a creaking floorboard and Lily jumped up, flushing guiltily as James walked into the room. Black, looking just as guilty, stared at his friend with wide eyes.

James looked between Lily and Black, his face bewildered, and then his expression went blank. He nodded slightly, even grimly, and sat down.

“So…how are you?”

Lily winced and dropped into the armchair next to James's, quite sure that he was avoiding her eyes. Had he heard any of the previous conversation? That could be disastrous—though neither had said it, they both knew she should not pry into his life and his secrets.

“Just fine, Jamsie-me-mate. You still alive up in this place?”

What a fucking lame cover-up.

James raised an eyebrow. “I rather obviously am, right? I'm sitting here across from you. You just found me after shagging Lily last night. You've got to be pretty alive to do that.”

Lily bit her lip hard, sure a blush was staining her cheeks.

“Yes, but I mean—seriously. Are you okay? Everything tip-top? And that's siriusly, not seriously.”

James groaned and reached for his wand. “Now you've done it, Padfoot. Duel. Right now. I did promise yesterday.”

Black nodded, taking out his own wand and grinning widely. Both boys stood, James with a little stagger—how tired is he?—and moved to the center of the room. They stood with their wands crossed, and Lily could barely contain her laughter at the sight of their grim expressions.

“Begin,” she said, getting into the spirit and hiding a smile.

Both boys drew their wands away and shouted jinxes at each other at exactly the same time. Lily gasped and put up a quick shield in front of the beautifully decorated Christmas tree, as well as the fire. James Potter and Sirius Black were entirely likely to light anything on fire, no matter how difficult it was to do so.

By the time she turned back to the mock duel, James had vibrant green feathers as hair and Black was doing a jig, while unsuccessfully trying to level his wand at James. James grinned, shot a beam of yellow light at Black, and jumped up on to the table, right in front of Lily. His feathers had disappeared, much to her disappointment.

“Are we entertaining enough?” he asked mischievously, before ducking Black's hex, which hit a mirror and shattered it with a loud crash. Lily instantly repaired it and cowered on the edge of the couch, rather afraid that she would get hit.

She shrieked when Black aimed a Tickling Jinx at her and jumped up, shooting and Impedimentia at him and smiling when he froze. James turned to her, breathing hard, and frowned mockingly. “Now, now, now, Evans,” he said, “you know that a duel is between two people, and not three?”

“I'm well aware of that fact,” she said loftily.

“And do you also realize,” he said, his eyes dancing and his voice deeper, “that you just Impendimented Sirius and not me?”

Lily raised an eyebrow. “Impendimented isn't a word, James.”

“'Tis now,” he said flippantly. “So the question here is: why are you helping me and not Sirius?”

Lily tapped her chin with her wand. “Hmm…maybe it's because I'm fucking you and I need you to continue fucking me. I don't have that arrangement with Black.”

James paused. “He may be jinxed—but he can still hear you.”

“Oh,” Lily assured him, “Black knows. He just doesn't know why.”

James took a few steps closer and took her wand from her hand, throwing it on the couch. He opened his mouth to say something but she cut him off by pulling him down and meeting his open mouth with hers.

He groaned deep into her throat and Lily shivered, feeling something intangible pass between them. Oh, God…this was not supposed to happen—not in any way, shape or form. She was not supposed to feel things for James Potter.

Too bloody late.

“I think,” she said lightly, pulling away and desperately trying to cover the change that had occurred, “that you're reading too much into this. I only jinxed him because he tried to jinx me.”

James nodded dazedly, his expression vacant and mirroring the way Lily herself felt.

They were too absorbed in each other to realize that Sirius had come free of the jinx, and he promptly sent a Babbling Curse at James, who erupted in a flurry of speech just an inch from Lily's mouth. She met Black's eyes furiously over James's shoulder and quickly Confounded him.

“…Iwonderwhatamoebassmelllike.Dotheysmellfishyandsaltyordotheyhavenosmellatall…?”

Lily sent a Silencing Charm at James, then cursed herself for her stupidity and performed the countercurse. He stared at her, opened his mouth, but no sound came out. Lily took off the Silencing Charm and they both looked at Sirius, who was teetering on his feet, staring at the ceiling and apparently counting stars.

“Well,” said James.

Just then, the door burst open and James's father stood there, out of breath and looking around wildly. “What happened? Is everyone all right?”

Lily looked around the room at that and realized that it was totally trashed, aside from the mirror, the tree, and the area in front of the fireplace. Her shields had held, and while they were much fainter, they were still in place.

Mr. Potter's face was thunderous. “James,” he said levelly, “you're not allowed to use magic unless you're doing chores.”

James shrugged, pointing his wand at Black, looking his father defiantly in the eye, and performing the countercurse to Lily's spell.

“You're grounded,” Clark said furiously. “No magic—do you understand me? I thought you knew better than to do something like this. Do all your chores by hand, now.”

He slammed the door to the room shut and Lily flinched, but James shrugged again and pushed Black, who was still slightly bewildered, down into a chair. “My dad's going to ask you about those Shield Charms,” he said flatly.

Lily glanced at him. “What do you mean?”

“I mean,” James snapped, “that he's going to ask who did them, and when he finds out it's you, he's going to go into raptures over it. He's of the idea that people who are good at Defense are amazing in their own right, and he'll want to talk to you about it continuously.”

Lily fell silent, and then she looked up at him. “Obviously good Defense skills don't make for good people,” she said, self-loathing apparent in her voice.

James sighed, threw a look at Black (still muddled), and pulled her aside, near the Christmas tree. It threw half his face into shadow and he looked intimidating, standing there like that where she could not see his expression.

“You think you're a bad person?”

She hesitated, just long enough for him to take it as an affirmation.

“Why the hell d'you think you're a bad person, Lily?”

She shook her head. “I don't! I just…I just don't like myself very much at the moment.”

“You don't—like—are you mad?”

“James…I'm cheating on Vince, aren't I?...and I don't really care. I mean—I do, obviously, because I'm worrying about it…but it doesn't make me…” Enjoy sleeping with you any less…

He sucked in a sharp breath. “Well—you're trying to make him happy, right?”

Lily nodded. “Still—I'm cheating on him. He won't be happy if he finds out how I learned to make him happy.”

James thought about that for a moment. “Ah—yes. Then you're cheating on him.”

Lily sighed. “What kind of girlfriend cheats on a boyfriend she's so afraid will cheat on her?”

James tried to unravel her words. “Er…a smart one? I mean—it's Vince Malfoy. He's not the best boyfriend to have.”

“Exactly. Why am I dating him?”

James stared at her, quite lost. What the hell was wrong with girls anyway?

“Because he asked me out first,” Lily said, almost to herself. “And no one else had ever done that.”

James snorted. “Just forget me and my eighty-three invitations.”

“Eighty-six,” Lily corrected absently.

He stared. “I was just picking a random number. You counted?”

She shrugged, smiling slightly. “I figured I could throw it back in your face someday. So I counted. And I didn't really count you as a human being at that point.”

“This is true,” he conceded.

“But…I mean—is it really that bad of me to be doing this? I thought I wouldn't care, but actually seeing him…I feel so guilty.”

He shook his head. “You've got nothing to feel guilty about. Nothing. Lily, this is going to sound arrogant but…don't fall for me.”

Her head snapped up. “Pardon?”

He was looking at her very seriously. “Don't fall for me,” he requested quietly. “I wouldn't be able to deal with it.”

She would have responded, but they were interrupted.

“Really—how long can you two over there have a heart-to-heart? You do realize that Confundus Charms are unstable and that I'm normal now. The least you could do is pay a little attention to me.”

“Shut up, Padfoot,” James said good-naturedly, not taking his eyes from Lily's and in fact moving even closer.

“I will not be told to shut up like a common vagrant,” Black said loftily, from out of sight.

“No, you'll be told to shut up like the mangy dog that you are,” James threw back, dipping his head down so his lips were just near Lily's.

“I am very insulted.”

“Good.” James kissed her and Lily had to swallow her giggle—snogging while Sirius Black was in the room—most decidedly disgusting, but also rather exciting.

Until he decided to walk over, stumbled, and knocked into the tree, which made the very heavy ceramic angel on top to hurtle to the ground, causing James and Lily to jump apart as it smashed between them.

James met Lily's eyes and she grinned, jerking her head to the side to motion him over. They walked around the still-standing (miraculously) tree and stared down at Black, who was out cold.

“Seems like Black isn't very tolerable to being confounded,” Lily said.

“His mother used to do it to him all the time,” James confided, laughing at Lily's horrified look. “What? He was a nasty little kid. Confounding him was the only thing besides stunning that would knock him out. They just put the Charm on him, removed it, and had a little relief from his incessant, high-pitched chatter.”

“Aw…you used a couple big words in that sentence, James. I'm impressed. Really, you did.

He grinned lopsidedly and Lily could have slapped herself for the weakness in her knees. “Just for you.”

……

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15. Chapter Fifteen: Of Revelations and Resolutions

A/N: The uncut scene is in my livejournal…it's not the whole chapter—just the scene that was cut out

Title: Lust…or Love?
Author: Sarinileni
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. Not at all. In the slightest.

Mature Subject Matter
Chapter 15: Of Revelations and Resolutions
Date Begun: Thursday, July 15, 2004
Date Finished: Saturday, August 21, 2004
Date Posted: Tuesday, April 26, 2005

”I can't imagine all the people that you know
And the places that you go
When the lights are turned down low
And I don't understand all the things you've seen
But I'm slipping in between
You and your big dreams
It's always you
In my big dreams”

Konstantine, Something Corporate

……

Lily woke the next morning when something distinctly warm and furry pressed against her face. She shied away from the tickling and cracked one eye open, staring into the soft dark eyes of Hedwig, the Jarvey she had gotten for James. The Jarvey blinked slowly; its eyes were disturbingly human in appearance. Lily scratched it on the top of its head, as she had done to her cat ages ago.

“Hello,” she said uncertainly, her voice scratchy from sleep. Her hair fell in her face and she tossed it back. “How are you?” She paused and cocked her head to the side, realizing that she had just asked an animal—a mute animal, how it was faring. She shook her head at herself and pulled the compliant Jarvey closer, hugging it to her warmth.

“Hedwig! Are you incapable of staying—there you are. You think you could stay put for just one moment out of the whole day?” James appeared in her doorway.

Lily blinked owlishly at James, perturbed. It was much too early for him to be so energetic. “What time is it?”

“Noon,” he said cheerily, gently taking Hedwig from Lily and settling her in the crook of his arm. “About time you got up.”

She glared. “You could have woken me.”

“Nah. You looked too peaceful.”

Again, she blinked in surprise—he had come in and looked at her? (No—that is not sweet, she told herself)—but he was already turning away. How surprising that he had avoided waking her, when normally he would annoy her as much as he possibly could.

Not sweet—not sweet at all…he told me not to FALL for him, and here I am, thinking he's sweet.

She scrambled out of bed and into the shower, letting the water slowly bring her to full awareness. She quickly toweled off and dressed warmly, then left her room to look for other forms of life. She found Sirius lounging in the kitchen with Mr. Potter, joking and twirling a dripping quill in his hands, while James scowled in the corner, doing dishes. James looked up and frowned at her. “You got an owl,” he said, motioning to the table, where a folded piece of parchment sat, sealed. Lily picked it up after bidding Sirius and Mr. Potter good morning and broke the seal, which she recognized as Vince's.

I'm picking you up from your house for the Potters' party at six on the 31^st. Make sure you're ready. Tell whoever was going to take you that you won't need their escort.

Lily seethed, snatching the quill from Sirius and scratching a response onto the parchment.

Don't bother, Vince. I'm coming with Rebecca. You can come pick me up if you want—but she's coming too. Come later than six, because I won't be ready by then.

She would have written her entire name, but the quill ran out of ink on the second l. She folded the parchment and saw Vince's owl waiting on the windowsill. She tied to the letter to his talon and opened the window for him, sending him off without touching him. Vince's owl had always given her chills.

There was silence, and then Sirius said, “I was going to use that quill.”

Lily apologized, and turned from the windowsill, sighing. That would have been the perfect chance to break up with Vince…but God forbid he went to her house to talk to her and found it empty—imagine if her parents were there! He would positively kill her, and then James, as well.

Lily looked over to where Mr. Potter sat, looking as exhausted as his wife had yesterday.

“What'd Malfoy want?” James asked casually from where he was drying off the last of the spoons with a dishrag, startling her out of her reverie. Lily glanced at him, positive he knew what she was thinking.

Lily did not get a chance to answer because at the sound of Vince's name, Mr. Potter dropped his cup of tea on the tile floor and all over his robes. Sirius was glaring at James and James's gaze flickered to Lily before he set his spoon and dishrag down.

“Er…” Lily began. “I…how'd you know it was from him?”

“I recognized his owl,” James said quietly, as his father cleaned up his robes with his wand.

Lily nodded, glancing out the window, but the owl was out of sight. “Um…”

It seemed as if she should give an explanation.

“James. Hallway. Now.”

James sighed and followed his father out into the hallway, exchanging a look with Sirius as the door shut.

“So,” Sirius said jovially, catching Lily's attention. “I was wondering—do you want to go over to the next town and see a play? In Lowood they occasionally have a show in the theatre at night. All three of us can go.”

Lily hesitated, then nodded, pulling out a chair across from Sirius and sitting down. “B—Sirius,” she began.

His eyes darted around quickly, as if he was being chased, and then he locked his dark gaze on hers. It was a mark of how serious he was that he did not comment on her use of his given name. “Yes?”

“What was that?”

“What was what?”

Lily gave him an irritated look and he sighed.

“Okay—it's like this. The Potters—Bee and Clark—they work in a section of the Ministry—and their job at the moment is to keep track of the Malfoys. You've heard of Grindelwald, obviously?”

Lily nodded.

“During that war, William Potter killed your boyfriend's grandfather. And the Malfoys aren't too pleased about the current Potters butting into their affairs. That's why they've got so many protection wards. When they first got the job someone broke into this house and he bolted when they caught him but he was in James's room—and he was only a year old.”

Lily bit her lip, riveted. How horrible would it be if Vince Malfoy found out I broke up with him for James Potter…how would that affect this feud? Suddenly James's motivations for asking her not to fall for him were clearer. How incredibly dangerous that would be…

Alright, James, Lily said to herself…you want to play it safe? Fine.

“So they're paranoid—and you can't tell anyone you're dating Malfoy or that you've got any connections with him. Just go along with whatever James tells you—”

The door to the kitchen opened.

“—so I suppose we can just go to the play. It'll be fun.” Sirius changed tacks so quickly Lily blinked several times before she caught on.

“Yes,” Lily said. “Real fun. James? You want to go to a play tonight?”

James stared at her for a moment, then looked at Sirius. He sighed. “Fine. Dad left for work just now.”

Lily somehow knew that she must not mention what Sirius had told her. She nodded absently and stared over Sirius's shoulder at the slight discoloration on the kitchen wall.

“Do you want to go see downstairs?” James asked suddenly. He did not wait for an answer but began to walk out of the kitchen, leaving Lily and Sirius to follow. At the end of the corridor he opened a door and Lily checked, almost falling forward when Sirius bumped into her from behind. It was pitch black and all she could see was a white ledge—and then nothing.

“Come on,” James said impatiently, grabbing her hand and pulling her forward. He took out his wand, mumbled something, and Lily gasped when the lights came on.

“Oh....”

What they were standing on was not a ledge at all, but the landing at the top of a sweeping, pure white marble staircase which led down into a huge, circular ballroom, complete with a high, domed ceiling and a glittering chandelier. The floor of the room was inlaid with brightly colored designs, with a sun in the middle, just under the tip of the chandelier.

“This is where the party will be. We've got to decorate.”

Lily pulled her hand out of James's and tentatively took a step downwards, expecting a barrier to perhaps keep her out, to say you don't belong in this room. She squelched the overwhelming desire to run away and took another step downwards, imagining herself in this room, with the chandelier lit up and the smell of Christmas in the air, perhaps dancing with James's arms around her waist—oh, whoops, she'd forgotten, don't fall for me…

She shook herself and backed up the two steps until she was next to James. “It's beautiful. We should go.” Her voice was stiff and he looked at her disbelievingly, his face only centimeters from hers.

“Where?” he asked stupidly.

Lily shrugged. “Oh, I don't know,” she said flippantly, pulling back. “Anywhere.”

She turned and walked back into the corridor, leaving the two boys to follow and feeling incredibly frustrated with herself. She had to stop this stupid feeling that made her want to grab James and kiss him every moment of the day.

Why, oh why couldn't she just shag James and not want him aside from that?

……

Lily sighed and glanced sideways at James, who was staring at the stage, apparently watching the Wizard of Oz. When she had found out what was playing, she had wanted to skip the play, but she reckoned there was nowhere else for her to go. Now she sat in between James and Sirius in the richly decorated theatre, wishing she could go out and get some air to escape the boredom of the play. Twice already her hand had touched James's and they had both pulled away like startled rabbits. Three times he had leaned in to properly kiss her, she was sure, but then had sat back in his seat. The tension was palpable and she could not take much more of it.

“Excuse me,” she finally said, standing, and James looked up at her. She stepped over his legs, her face too close to his for comfort, and walked up the aisle to the lobby. She felt his eyes on her back as she left and a slow smile stole over her face as she realized what was about to happen.

She lingered at the outer doors and when the theatre doors opened she stepped outside into the chilly December air. She crossed the street slowly. It was snowing lightly and she tried to act nonchalant when she heard him step out after her. She turned, assuming she would make small talk for a while, but he pulled her over to a bench near the curb and sat her down, dropping down next to her and immediately kissing her. The fingers of one hand worked nimbly on the long row of tiny buttons that ran down the front of her shirt while the other hand slid under her skirt and skimmed across the sensitive skin of her inner thighs.

“Mmm,” she said, realizing that anyone walking by could see. “James—”

He stopped her words with a kiss, slipping one hand into her shirt. He fumbled around the back for the bra's clasp and cursed her thoroughly—into her mouth—when he realized it was in the front. He undid it with a snap and circled one nipple with his calloused thumb. Her sharp intake of breath cut through the air between them, making him stop kissing her and rest his forehead against her shoulder, groaning.

“Well, hey there!”

Lily jumped two feet into the air and clung to James. His head came up from her shoulder and he looked at Sirius, who was walking over, while Lily avoided the boy's eyes, sure her cheeks were bright red but thankful he could not see it with the lack of light. James tried to pull away but she made a frightened sound and pulled him back.

“Don't move,” she said quietly.

“Why?” he asked.

Her fingers were trembling so badly from the embarrassment of being caught by Sirius Black on a bench, making out with his best friend and then some. James noticed and grabbed her hands, smiling slightly. “He won't care—”

“Don't move,” she said, trying to pull her hands out of his so she could button her shirt.

“Oh, shit,” James exclaimed, trying to put the straps of her bra back on her shoulders and clasping it with little effort. He began to close the bottom buttons of her shirt while she worked on the top and their hands met in the middle just as Sirius reached them. They turned to face him.

“I realized you weren't in the theatre and I came to check on you.”

“We're not two years old,” Lily snapped.

“If there was a pair of two-year-olds shagging on a bench, I'm sure people would have something to say,” Black said mildly, and Lily opened her mouth in outrage. James's cool comment cut her off.

“We weren't shagging yet. You'd get off on it if we were.”

Sirius's eyes flew to James and Lily looked at him too. It was too dark to see much, but from the feeble light of the streetlamp she could see that his dark eyes were cold and his hands were clenched into fists. She worked her fingers into his and squeezed tightly.

“Maybe I would—before you go find a more private place, you might want to button your shirt properly.”

Lily looked down and realized both she and James had buttoned her shirt crookedly at least once. Coupled with their disheveled hair and red lips, it would leave no doubt in anyone's mind as to what, exactly, their activity had been.

Sirius was gone when she looked up and she stood, tugging on James's hand.

His eyes met hers and she felt cold just looking at the blankness there, but decided to let it go. She simply pulled him up and walked him across the street and back into the theatre, where Sirius was nowhere to be seen. She looked around and her eyes fell on a door. She grinned.

Ten minutes later they were in the men's loo, furiously kissing against one of the stall doors. It creaked ominously and Lily pushed away from it.

“Knowing our luck,” she said heavily in his ear, “we're going to fall through it and into one of the toilets.”

He did not respond but he grinned rakishly, lifting her up and sitting her on the counter of sinks so her back was against the somewhat dirty mirror. Her shirt was open halfway and Lily undid the rest of the buttons hurriedly, her fingers finally able to work. Their eyes locked and she stopped breathing as his fingers drew slow circles on her knee. He pressed a light kiss to the side of her neck and then slid his fingers over her pulse point, galvanizing her into action. She took off her shirt all the way and then her bra, wishing she had her wand so she could perform some sort of spell on the door, illegal or not. No matter—no one would walk into the dirty bathroom of the theatre.

Somehow, one of his hands ended up fumbling under her skirt and she saw the sudden bulge in his pants when he realized she was not wearing any knickers. “Are you crazy?” he whispered in her ear before kissing it, his voice rough.

“Just good at Divination,” she responded, inching forward slightly, unsure and trying to hide it. He did not waste any time teasing her but instead pushed her legs farther apart, making her skirt ride up high on her thighs but still not allowing her to see what he was doing with his hand—oh…wow…oh…

The sound of loud voices brought her back to reality and they both froze, Lily cursing furiously. She was so close….

“Intermission,” James whispered. His eyes were heavy-lidded and he was clearly aroused. Lily tried to breathe deeply and calm down, the comfort of euphoria overtaking her body, but the sound of voices coming closer shocked her into awareness.

“Someone's coming!” She got off the counter, pulling her skirt down with one hand and putting on her shirt with the other. She would think about what had just happened later. She struggled into the sleeves and began buttoning it with one hand while shoving James into a stall.

“What are you doing?” he asked, trying to leave the stall.

“Hiding you!” she hissed, just as the door began to open. It was moving jerkily, as if the person trying to get in did not know how to properly push it open. Lily could only stare as an old man walked in, his steps heavy. He caught sight of her and stared, then looked at the urinals along one wall. He caught sight of James and grinned toothlessly.

“Ahhh,” he said, but it sounded more like he was dying than sympathizing. He began a sluggish walk to a stall and Lily held still, as if this would help her to disappear. When he was finally in a stall and the door had locked, Lily turned to James.

He was gone and the door was swinging shut. About to follow, she realized that her shirt was again buttoned incorrectly, mid-way through. She unbuttoned all the buttons below it and began to walk to the door when she slipped on…something…and fell forward, hitting the knob for the hand-dryer. The loud, obnoxious sound filled the room as Lily desperately re-buttoned her shirt and began her walk to the door. She must have passed the automatic paper towel dispenser, because it made a loud whirring sound and spat out a line of drying material. Lily jumped back, a shriek caught in her throat.

She made it out into the hall without further incident and saw James waiting. She rushed to the other side of the hall just as a group of boys roughly their age started for the loo. They looked at her strangely and she gave them an icy glare before turning back to James. “Why didn't you wait for me?” she asked James, hitting him on the shoulder.

He shrugged. “I didn't think I had to.” He did a double-take and stared at her chest. “Lily—where's your bra?”

Her hand flew to her mouth and she whirled around, heading back for the loo. The door opened before she could get there and one of the boys from earlier held up her bra, an amused grin on his face as he looked over at James.

“Is this yours?”

She took it, her arm shaking with the effort of fighting humiliation, and backed away, her cheeks flaming. She felt James grab her hand and drag her out to the lobby, pulling off his jacket and handing it to her

“He liked you,” he said gruffly, after she settled it on her shoulders and fastened a few of the buttons over her chest. She placed her bra in the pocket as she tried to think of a reply.

“I'm wearing a white shirt without a bra,” she said dryly.

“Still. He liked you.”

Lily looked at him closely. “James….are you…” Jealous?

She hesitated. Saying that would only open a can of worms she was fervently hoping to keep closed. “…ready to go back in?”

……

“D'you think Malfoy would mind if I told him how wonderful you are to shag? Just walk up to him and say, `Hey…last night I fucked your girlfriend's brains out until I couldn't walk anymore. You don't know what you're missing.'”

“I do think he'd mind,” Lily said dryly, rolling over and resting her hand on his chest. It was later that night and they were in his room, tangled up in his sheets and flushed with satisfaction, having just had the strangest conversation about pets.

“No, seriously,” James said, all teasing leaving his voice. “Are you going to tell him?”

Lily paused. “What? Why the hell would I tell him?”

James shrugged. Lily leaned up on one forearm and hovered over him.

“James—you wouldn't.”

“Of course I wouldn't,” he said immediately. “But shouldn't you?”

“Shouldn't—tell—are you crazy? He'd kill me on the spot. Or worse—he'd kill you!”

“But…can you keep the secret?”

“Of course I can,” she said. “I've kept it this long, haven't I? James—I'm not going to tell him I learned how to shag him by sleeping with you. I couldn't.”

“So when this is over—you just go on and forget about everything, is that it?” he asked angrily. “You just go fuck him and I'm gone.”

“You've got no claim on me,” she hissed. “I don't have any reason at all to remember you once Christmas break is over. How ridiculous would that be?”

“I think we're both getting a little too attached,” he said after a moment.

“You're getting attached,” she fired back. “I couldn't care less. Geez—lighten up, Potter.”

She added his surname to prove to both herself and him that she did not care one whit. So that's what I'll have to do, then, she thought as she got out of the bed and put on her clothes. Use his surname. Not touch him. Don't do anything unless I'm thinking about Vince. She looked over at James, who had raised one eyebrow and had his arms folded beneath his head, not the least bit conscious about his nakedness. Hadn't he asked her not to fall for him? Hadn't he? How dare he accuse her of being cold when he had asked her to be?

She wrenched open the door to the hall and immediately slammed it shut. James's father was in the hallway with a blanket and a pillow, sitting outside his bedroom door with a rather amused smile on his face. “Why is your father out there?” she asked, her voice barely controlled.

James had his arms folded beneath his head and he was looking up at the ceiling. “I don't know. My mum probably kicked him out.”

Lily sat down on his bed in a huff and lay down. “I guess I'm sleeping here then.”

He glanced at her. “Take off your clothes.”

“If you think I'm going to sleep with you again tonight then I'm kicking you off the bed.”

James rolled his eyes. “How comfortable are you going to be in that skirt and that blasted shirt?”

He was right, damn him. She took off her shirt for what had to be the hundredth time that evening and slipped out of her skirt, kicking it off so it lay near her bra on the floor. She pulled the sheet up around her body and tried not to stare at James as he watched her, his expression that of an adult indulging a child.

“You do realize this is my bed and that's my sheet you just took from me.”

“Shut up.”

He did, sighing and looking up at the ceiling. He turned out the lights and they lay in the darkness for a while, not speaking.

“I'm—”

“Shut up.”

The door opened and Lily gasped, sure it was going to be his father checking on him. James pulled the sheet up over the two of them and Lily clutched it, covering her head as if this would help keep her from being recognized. If it was James's dad, he wouldn't think James was in bed naked with Sirius, for pity's sake!

It was Sirius; Lily heard him greet them in his brash voice. She peeked out from under the sheet.

“Black—don't you knock?”

“Don't you two ever do anything but shag? James—your mum kicked your dad into the hallway because he was fawning over her too much.”

“Well fiddle-dee-dee,” Lily said sarcastically. “Isn't that a shame?”

“Don't get your knickers in a twist,” Sirius said good-naturedly. “Aren't you hogging the sheet a little bit?”

“Yes,” James said in response.

“How many times do I have to tell you to shut up?” Lily demanded of him, turning to James, who held his hands up as if being arrested.

“Ouch,” Sirius remarked. “Wonderful bedside manner right there.”

“Would you leave?”

Sirius shrugged. “Sure. `Night, m'dears.”

Lily made sure to lock the door behind him, taking the sheet and wrapping it around her body. She and James stared at each other for a while, perhaps apologizing through their eyes, and then they turned out the lights and tried to sleep. They did realize, at some point, that the distribution of the sheet was no longer a problem. Inevitably, a sleeping James held a sleeping Lily so tightly in his arms that they were almost like one person.

……

The address of the cut is: http://www.livejournal.com/users/sarinileni/7082.html#cutid1 My livejournal address is: (http://www.livejournal.com/users/sarinileni/)

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16. Chapter Sixteen: Of Strangeness and Stories

Title: Lust…or Love?
Author: Sarinileni
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. Not at all. In the slightest.

Mature Subject Matter
Chapter 16: Of Strangeness and Stories
Date Begun: Saturday, August 21, 2004
Date Finished: Sunday, August 29, 2004
Date Posted: Tuesday, April 26, 2005

“Only you

Can make me whole

Just one touch

You complete me

Rescue me

From this black whole

It sucked me in

And left me dying

You're the truth

That I've been seeking

`Cause my whole life

I've been lying”

-You Complete Me, Stabbing Westward

……

Lily woke early the next morning with a start and looked around wildly for the cause of the disturbance. For the second morning in a row, Hedwig was right next to her face. Lily made a noise of annoyance and picked up the Jarvey, surprised at how warm she was. It was a very comforting feeling, holding Hedwig, almost like holding a baby.

She looked over at James, still sleeping, his legs sprawled out and his hand hanging off the bed; the other lay in her hair. Lily carefully sat up, cradling Hedwig against her chest. She adjusted the sheet and wrapped it around herself, tucking in the edges so she could walk around.

She studied his bookshelf. Books were shoved helter-skelter on the shelf, thick textbooks she recognized because she owned them herself, magazines, and others she did not recognize. One, however, caught her eye. It was dark red with gold lettering and said, simply, Hogwarts. The writing was familiar; she supposed it was James's handwriting. She pulled it out with some difficulty (she was still holding Hedwig) and flipped the cover open.

It was another album. Lily suddenly remembered his hesitation when he had told her there were no more photo albums.

Just as she was about to study the picture, Hedwig wriggled out of her grasp and darted across the room and onto the bed. If she had not been crawling on top of James and waking him up, Lily would have been impressed by Hedwig's ability to jump so high.

Lily hurried across the room, the album in her hand and the sheet still around her body. She stepped into the hallway and shut the door quietly, biting her lip as she tiptoed down to her door and tried not to wake Mr. Potter, who was lying in front of his bedroom door, snoring. She let herself into her room and winced when the door slammed shut, but no one came running to see what had happened.

She sat down on the bed and set down the album, opening it and glancing at the first picture. It was Hogwarts from the lake and it was slightly crooked. It was taken from one of the First Year boats. Lily looked closer and could just make out the shapes of other boats in the water, underneath the splendidly lit castle. Lily turned the page and frowned. It was picture of her—eleven years old and eating from a plate of potatoes. The picture on the adjacent page was of a bowl of treacle tart.

What a strange person James was.

She was about to flip to the next page when someone knocked on the door. The knob began to turn and Lily shoved the album under the bed. She straightened just as James entered the room, her clothes in his hand.

“What do you want...Potter?”

“Can I have my sheet?” he asked tonelessly.

Lily's cheeks turned red as she stood and handed him the sheet, grabbing her own comforter to cover her body as she did so—still, still!—she was modest around him, embarrassed, shy…. He dropped her clothes on the floor and left the room.

Lily stared after him, bewildered. How…strange.

Oh…they had fought last night. Strange of her to forget that.

Strange, indeed. And she was back to calling him Potter, which was stranger still…and while it was slightly depressing and left her feeling bereft, it was also slightly comforting. She was uncomfortable being as close as she was with him, partly because of Vince, and partly because it was not her nature to know anyone so well, or have anyone know her so well, aside, obviously, from her family.

And she and James knew each other very, very, very well.

Lily looked longingly at her bed, wishing she could finish looking at the photo album, but she had to shower and get dressed. Standing around naked was not making her feel any better about her fight with James.

The water was warm and she stayed under the spray for longer than she should have. When she got out she dressed warmly in a jumper and a pair of trousers, combing out her wet hair and letting it hang down over her shoulders. When she had finished, she made her way to the kitchen.

Sabia was sitting at the table, eating from a bowl of oatmeal and talking amiably with Sirius, who sat across from her. She was wearing the shawl Lily had given her for Christmas. Both looked up when she walked in.

“Lily! Come sit down. I want to thank you again for the shawl. It's lovely.”

Lily fought down a blush and smiled, choking out something along the lines of “You're welcome.” She half expected Sabia to get up and slap her across the face for sleeping with James only the night before, right down the hall from her room, but there was no way Sabia knew about that.

It was impossible for her to know about that.

“So did you sleep well?”

Lily turned her gasp into a hacking cough and stomped on Sirius's foot when she saw his amused grin. “Ye-es.”

Sabia paid her no special attention and greeted James as he walked into the room, his hair dripping wet from the shower he had obviously just taken. James glared at all of them, shaking his head and spraying Lily with water.

“Prat,” she muttered, hitting him on the arm.

He grumbled something along the lines of “mental” and his mother raised an eyebrow.

“James, dear…”

“So! My mother sent me an owl yesterday!” Sirius interrupted loudly.

James looked up. “What'd she say?” he asked keenly. “She never owls you if she can help it.”

“Well, it wasn't a Howler,” Sirius supplied, and Lily threw him a dirty look.

“Please, good sir,” she said mockingly, “enlighten us as to what your mother said.”

“She berated me for coming to this house, simply because of the terrible relations you have with the Malfoys…my mother holds the bloody Malfoys in the highest esteem. Bastards. All of them.” Sirius met Lily's eyes defiantly and she opened her mouth to respond. James grabbed her hand and squeezed it so hard her bones creaked. Lily bit her lip hard against pain and kicked sideways with her foot, hitting him in the shin. He spat out a mouthful of orange juice. The sound of pain he made was a cross between a rasp and a grunt.

His mother gave him a surprised look. “Honestly. What is with the three of you this morning?”

“Tired,” James responded immediately. Lily had to smile at his lame excuse.

“We should have a snowball fight. Well—not you, Mrs. P. Wait…you can use your wand!” Sirius's face brightened at the very prospect of going outside in the snow.

Mrs. Potter laughed lightly. Lily suddenly missed her mother. “No, Sirius. I have to get to work. Clark is already there.”

“You're going to work?” James asked sharply.

Mrs. Potter hesitated for the briefest second before saying, “Yes. I'm needed.”

“Mum—”

“Bee—”

“Mrs. Potter—”

“Quiet, all three of you,” she said firmly. “I'm perfectly fine now that I've eaten and had a good rest.”

“Having a good rest is no help if you're just going to go exhaust yourself again,” James snapped.

“I'm the adult here,” Sabia said angrily, “and if I decide to go to work, I'm going to work! Don't hurt each other out in the snow and don't burn the house down!”

She strode out of the room and they heard the front door slam behind her. All three teenagers were silent until Lily cleared her throat. “Well…maybe we should have a snowball fight.”

They did. Of course, with the advantage of magic, all three were able to build magnificent forts as long as they did not stray outside the boundaries that protected underage magic from Ministry detection (James was grounded, but his parents weren't home to monitor any preventative and detective spells, so he was safe). Sirius created an extravagant palace while James had something that looked like a pirate ship, along with cannons. Lily's own structure resembled a military base, complete with detachable helicopters that fired snowballs.

They did have quite a bit of time on their hands.

Lily was not altogether amused when James and Sirius teamed up against her, molding their forts into one and bombarding her with snowballs. She stayed under the cover of her walls, occasionally mustering the strength to launch a volley of snowballs at them but cursing them every moment she could not.

Finally, Lily accepted defeat and emerged from her fort, holding out a handkerchief as a truce flag and meeting them in the middle of the `battleground'.

Lily had never considered herself to be truly honorable.

Loosing a torrent of snowballs of them once the came out in the open was only in the interest of survival—that is, the survival of her injured pride. Lily grinned and threw up a shield, similar to the one she had used to protect the den when James and Sirius had dueled. The boys, thoroughly soaked, glared at her before surrendering.

……

Lily had not noticed it before, but now she could tell that James was avoiding her. She could tell from the subtle way he slid his eyes away from hers, from his reluctance to do anything that might let him touch her, from the way he kept a never-ending flow of words going so he would not have to speak to her. However, when he mentioned he was going to wait up for his parents, Lily grinned. Now there was no way he could avoid her. She saw the firelight reflecting off the glow of realization in his eyes as she shut the door after Sirius, who had gone to bed ten minutes earlier, at half past twelve.

“Ignoring me, Potter?”

“I've been talking to you all night,” he said stiffly.

“You've been talking to me all night about nothing,” Lily fired back, glaring at him. Honestly—who did he think he was? “Is this about last night?”

“Pardon me, Lily, but it's not as if we ever resolved the issue,” James said scathingly.

“Well—why the hell would you ever want me to tell Vince that we'd slept together—again, from his perspective? It doesn't make any sense.”

James paused, his hesitation clear. “I…” he sighed. “I just wanted to hurt Malfoy.”

Lily let out a deep breath. “Is that all? Why?”

James shrugged, looking down. “Because…well, he's a Slytherin.”

“James…” She even forgot to call him Potter. “That's petty.”

His gaze locked hotly on hers. “No—all Slytherins. Evil, the lot of them.”

“Your mother was a Slytherin,” Lily reminded him quietly.

“She was,” James conceded bitterly. “That doesn't mean she was an evil bitch like Narcissa or Bellatrix Black. You don't understand, Lily. When my mother was in Slytherin, it wasn't considered to be such an evil house. There was plenty of prejudice, yeah, and they weren't very well-like—but Slytherins were respected. My parents graduated just a few years after Voldemort did—and then he came along, and he changed absolutely everything. They—they changed. You didn't…even my mother began to hate her own house. You didn't grow up hearing about how different Slytherin was, how it had fallen from its high level of respectability. Ambition and cunning mattered less during Sorting than cruelty did. I…even though my mother was in Slytherin, I grew up hearing about how I should go to any house but that.”

Lily stared at him as if she had never seen him before.

“Vince Malfoy's not a good person,” James told her simply, changing tracks. “You know it, just as I do. His family's mixed up in the Dark Arts—Narcissa Black is going to marry Lucius someday…they'd just as soon kill me and my parents as go out to a whorehouse and get a good shag—and who knows who Vince is going to marry. There are hardly any pureblood girls left.”

He shut up then.

“You're not on very good terms with the Malfoys, then,” Lily said carefully, trying not to make her questions too specific.

“Did Sirius tell you that? No, we're not. We're their sworn enemies. Almost as bad as the Weasleys. See—when my grandfather William killed Lucifer Malfoy—only the Malfoy pride was injured. Lucifer was terrible to his son and his wife—but Arthur Weasley killed Lucius and Vince's brother older brother Tiberius—and everyone loved him. But my parents are meddling with their affairs, so the Malfoys are having trouble deciding who to hate more. I guess they're focusing on us because we can actually do some damage to them. The Weasleys have got no way to hurt them because of…well, because they're dirt poor. Don't get me wrong, Lily, my parents love Molly and Arthur Weasley and the few times I've met them I thought they were great. Bill and Charlie and Percy are great kids—six and four and one years old, but they have no money. And they can't hurt the Malfoys that way. We can, so they'll go after us. That's why you have to pretend Malfoy is just bothering you and that you're not dating him. Well—obviously because they think you're sleeping with me—”

“I am sleeping with you,” she said, interrupting him.

He smiled slightly. “I know. I couldn't forget it.”

“But…you can't just think all Slytherins are evil—”

“I'm a Gryffindor, Lily. I truly am…and there are very few Slytherins that are even decent, let alone wonderful like my mother.”

Lily agreed, but she would never say it. She sat down next to him. “I'm not going to tell Vince about us,” she said firmly, and he shrugged.

“I know. I was just—being stupid, of course.” He looked at the ceiling wistfully from his place on the carpet, leaning against the couch. “Imagine his face,” he said gleefully. “That would make my day.”

“And…then he'd kill you,” Lily pointed out, laughing. She yawned and his arm went around her. She wanted to push him away but she just leaned in against his shoulder and heard the answering rumble in his chest. She bit her lip as he took his arm away.

“Sleep,” James ordered.

Lily cocked her head to the side, then laid down so that her head was resting on his thighs. “Alright.”

James looked down at her, a slight smile on his face. Contentment stole over Lily—dangerous, crazy, ridiculously strong contentment.

“James?”

“Yes?”

Lily kept the silence close to her chest, cherishing it, before venturing to ask the question that had been nagging her for a day or so now. “When your mother…when your mother said your father `left', what did she mean?”

James stiffened. Lily felt his thighs beneath her head go tight and he stopped running his fingers through her hair. She looked up and could see his jaw firmly set and his back ramrod straight. Lily contemplated whether she should remove her head from his lap and decided not to.

“Well, he left. Is that what you want to know?” James's tone was so cold she felt a shiver go down her spine.

Lily sat up and met his eyes, leaning forward until she was merely inches away. “But he came back.”

“Of course. He loves her.”

Lily's breath caught and she felt a deep sensation of sorrow welling up in the put of her stomach. “James…”

“He left, he came back! There's nothing more to the story!” he told her vehemently. Lily held her tongue, looking at him. His face was contorted and he was breathing hard, as if he had just run a marathon. He shook his head fiercely. “That's it. There's nothing more.”

“Why…why did he leave?”

For just a moment she thought he would not answer, but he sighed and did. “My mother…this summer, when I was in Diagon Alley with Sirius and Remus and Peter…we were attacked. Well—not really. See, at night, someone Incedioed my room. At least, they were aiming for my room, but they got the wrong one and hit one two down from mine. The boys and I left the Leaky Cauldron and flew home right away but…it was obvious the attackers wanted me.” James paused and took a deep breath. Lily scooted closer and put her arms around his neck, lying her head down on his shoulder and throwing her legs over his. Physical closeness and comfort was something she could understand.

“So my mother told my father they had to stop working on the Malfoys—but they've been working on the Malfoys for close to seventeen years…I understand where my mum was coming from—I wouldn't want my kid to get burned alive, but seventeen years is a really long time. It's their life's work, and it was unacceptable to my father to quit. He said…he said I had to learn to take care of myself, and my mother said he could either quit or leave.”

Lily hugged him tighter.

“But she couldn't…she cried herself to sleep for a month and by the time I got to Hogwarts…he still wasn't back. He saw me off at the train station but he still hadn't come home and she couldn't take it. She can't stand to be apart from him because they're so…they just love each other so much. I don't understand it but she gave in and he came back. But I've got this protection spell on me now. It's…really powerful. My mum did it and it'll be really hard for the Malfoys to hurt me.”

She was gripping his arm tightly.

“Oh—come on, Lily. Everything's alright now! My dad's back and they're happy and so—so am I! Really happy! You can relax—I didn't mean to upset you or anything…” He twisted and put his arms around her, holding her so tightly she felt as if her bones would break.

She liked it.

She clutched at the back of his shirt, pressing her face into his shoulder. After a minute or so of deep breathing, she began to calm down. She lifted her head and met James's eyes, which were bright behind his glasses. “James…I—”

“If you're going to say something you're going to regret,” he interrupted immediately, “don't.”

She had not even been sure what she was going to say. Perhaps a change of subject was needed.

“Do you—are you scared?”

Not a very good change of subject.

“No. Yes. I don't really know. Of what?” He shifted to look down at her face, his brow furrowed.

Lily paused, not sure what to say. “Of everything,” she finally managed, her voice choked.

“I'm scared…of a lot of things. Dying, I guess. I'm not one of those poor sods who thinks that dying's a big adventure. I'd much rather live and have fun. I'm scared witless when I think about Voldemort. But I'm not scared of the Malfoys. Not Vince, not Lucius, not their mother. They can do whatever they want but I'm ready for it. I can beat them, Lily. There's always going to be Malfoys, and when I get older, I'm going to be working just as hard as my parents do to keep them away from the public. Bloody bastards, the lot of them.” As if remembering that her boyfriend was a Malfoy, James's hands went to her wrists and he drew her arms away from his neck. He stood and looked down on her. “I'm tired. Good night, Lily.”

“It'll be terrible for your wife and kids if you work as hard as your parents do,” Lily said quietly, keeping any inflection at all out of her voice.

“Who says I'm ever going to fall in love enough to get married or have kids?” James asked viciously, slamming the door to the room hard behind him.

“Fuck you,” Lily said to the empty room, though it was weak and without feeling, for she was wondering why, exactly, his last words had hurt so much.

……

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17. Chapter Seventeen: Of Reality and Running

Title: Lust…or Love?
Author: Sarinileni
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. Not at all. In the slightest.

Mature Subject Matter
Chapter 17: Of Reality and Running
Date Begun: Sunday, August 29, 2004
Date Finished: Monday, September 6, 2004
Date Posted: Tuesday, April 26, 2005

“If I woke up alone

I won't stop till I find you and you are with me
Cause by now, I know you better than you know yourself
And I know what you really need
What you need, or I need
But either way this is where you should be
Here with me, or I'll bleed so much that you won't believe

If you're missing I will run away
I will build a path to you
If you're missing I will run away
Just to find myself in you

You better not, you better not run
You better not, you better not run”

-The Runaway, Something Corporate

……

The next morning, Lily woke gradually as the smell of frying bacon sneaked into her nostrils. She remembered how little she had eaten the night before and she groaned, rolling out of her bed and catching herself against the end table before she hit the ground. She blindly reached for the robe James had given her for Christmas and pulled it on, tying the sash tightly to keep out the cold.

She sat down on the edge of her bed for a moment, facing the mirror on the vanity, which thankfully did not speak. She stared hard at her reflection, taking in the deeply shadowed circles beneath her dull eyes. She was not herself. She was thinner as well, although they may have just been the extra exercise she was getting. She could not help but think that ever since she had started to feel…no, ever since she had started her thing with James, she felt terrible.

She really needed to end it…or find some way to eradicate these feelings….She ignored the part of her mind that told her the only reason it was terrible was because she knew it would have to end.

In the hall, she came face to face with James, who had stopped right out side her door and raised his hand to knock.

“Oh. You're up.” He looked her over. “You might want to get dressed.”

Lily squinted at the clock: eight in the morning. “Who's here at this hour? Your parents have gone to work, Sirius doesn't give a damn, and you've seen me in less.”

“Molly Weasley is here with her husband and her sons. Her brothers and the Longbottoms are here too. And my mother's home.”

Lily rubbed her forehead with her hand and groaned again. She turned, yanking off the warm robe and pulling off her nightgown. She heard James leave and she stumbled into the shower, grudgingly giving her hair a thorough wash.

She stepped out of the shower and grabbed a towel, rubbing herself dry and slipping into whatever clothes she could find. Thankfully, she saw as she looked in the mirror, they somewhat matched. She had never done well on little sleep; her eyes still had enormous dark circles under them that made her look altogether unhealthy.

There was nothing for it; she left her room and shut the door quietly, mindful of other people in the house. She padded down to the kitchen, opening the door with as little noise as possible.

The sudden increase of volume astounded her. A red-headed toddler was sitting quietly on a chair with a picture-book in his lap, and a boy she supposed as Charlie Weasley was chattering on excitedly with his older brother, Bill, the subject of conversation being something that involved excessive hand gestures. Molly Weasley, whom Lily knew by name and description only, was talking with Frank and Alice Longbottom, who had been in sixth year when Lily was in first. Molly's younger brothers Gideon and Fabian Prewett, one year younger than Frank and Alice, were talking with Sabia. Lily knew they worked in the same department as the Potters. James and Sirius sat at the kitchen table with small smiles, looking highly amused at the chaos in the room.

Lily looked longingly at the cookies on the table but decided she would call too much attention to herself if she dared reach for one, so she took a seat next to Sirius and ignored her stomach.

Sabia set down a plate of bacon, eggs, and toast in front of Lily, who smiled gratefully and tucked in furiously. She finished in record time and took her plate to the sink, and that was her undoing.

“Aren't you the Head Girl? My cousin told me about you!” Charlie Weasley asked. Lily only knew who he was because she knew Molly Weasley had three boys, and he was not the smallest nor the biggest. He was a small boy, about four years old, stocky and a little chubby.

Lily rinsed her plate and tried to smile, but she was sure it came out as more of a grimace. “Yes. You're…Charlie, right?”

Charlie nodded, wide-eyed. “That's Bill,” he said, jerking his finger over his shoulder. “That's Percy—he's going to be a regular old Head Boy when he grows up.”

Percy was the child looking at the picture book.

“I'm Molly Weasley,” Mrs. Weasley put in, and then motioned to her two brothers. “Gideon and Fabian. And—”

“Frank and Alice Longbottom,” Lily said, smiling genuinely now. “You were in sixth year when I was in first. I'm Lily Evans.”

Gideon Prewett's mouth dropped open but his brother Fabian furrowed his brow. “Wait—weren't you the one with the two plaits—the short, shy one who I tutored when I was in fifth year?”

Lily knew a blush was staining her cheeks. “Yes,” she mumbled.

Gideon leaned back in his chair, a lazy, conceited grin on his face. Lily could see that he had reason to be full of himself—his strawberry-blonde hair was thick and shiny and he was well-built—almost too well-built for comfort. His brother was exactly the same, but his twin did not look impressed by the way Lily had grown up. In fact, the look on Fabian's face as he looked at first Sabia, then Lily was absolutely frightening. Lily could tell exactly what would follow—the question about whether she was Vince, what she was doing at this house in particular—

“Aren't you with V—”

James grabbed Lily from behind and kissed her cheek softly, making her jump. Her nails dug hard into his wrist and his arms tightened around her to the point of pain to keep her from speaking. “She grew up some, didn't she?” he asked loudly, cutting Fabian off and grinning.

Gideon smirked. “She did indeed.”

Lily broke away from James's embrace and forced a grin, sitting down. James sat down next to her and immediately took her free hand, shooting a look at Fabian Prewett as if to say `Fuck you, this is my girlfriend.'

They spent the morning in the kitchen and Lily only had a spare moment to wonder why Sabia had stayed home before she was put to work watching Bill, Charlie and Percy, supervising them as they twisted paper and tinsel together to make ornaments. In truth, it was the only thing anyone could think of to occupy them, although Percy Weasley looked quite insulted when Lily showed him step-by-step how to make a little angel. Lily knew that he could probably do it twice as well as she could in half the time and resolved to dislike the little monster just for the look he gave her.

“…so then Uncle Lance goes: “Well maybe you should think before you act” and Millie goes “Well maybe you should leave me the hell alone” and then she got grounded for a month…”

Bill nodded a few times at Charlie, twisting paper and staring off into space.

Lily was startled awake when James sat down next to her and handed her a cookie some hours later. She looked around: Percy was back with his picture book and seemed to have started it over again, Charlie was asleep, and Bill was lying down on the couch, staring up at the ceiling as if in deep thought.

“He misses his cousin a lot…she's in her third year at Hogwarts. Probably thinking about her,” James whispered to her.

He knows me too well, Lily thought, shifting uncomfortably.

“What time is it?” Lily asked, closing her eyes and swallowing a bite of the delicious cookie.

“Three in the afternoon.”

Lily banged her head back against the headrest and groaned. “Eight to three is a long time to watch a couple of kids yammer on about nothing and make paper ornaments.”

James laughed. “Well, you were asleep at eleven when I walked in, so you didn't really watch them for that long. Now I know to never let you baby-sit my kids.”

Lily raised an eyebrow and said what she was thinking before pausing to ponder the consequences. “I thought you weren't going to fall in love enough to have kids. Or get married.” She immediately regretted the remark because she sounded like a bitter shrew.

James waved the remark away. “I'll adopt. I like kids. Sometimes.”

“Well, I don't. I know I'll like them more if they're my own, though.”

James glanced at her out of the corner of his eye. “Going to have little Malfoy-Evanses running around the house, Lily?”

She turned to face him, her voice rising. “I told you I'm never going to marry him!”

Bill suddenly sat up and Lily let out a strangled cry from the sheer shock of it.

“Lily Evans,” he said musingly. “Aren't you—aren't you going out with Vince Malfoy?”

Bill Weasley, at six years old, knew more about her life from his cousin than James's parents did. Lily bit her lip and then felt James grab her waist, bending her back over the arm of the chair and kissing her deeply. Lily ran her hands into his hair and kissed him back, making a small sound of protest when he pulled away.

“Does that answer your question, Bill?” James asked calmly, pulling Lily into a sitting position and turning to face the red-headed boy. Lily bit her lip in anger. It was not fair that he could be so cool after leaving her so hot.

“Er…yea…”

“Good, then,” James said, and at that moment Molly Weasley called for her sons to leave.

……

That night, when Lily opened the door to her room after the soft knock, James shoved her down on the bed and locked the door securely.

“No one's walking in on us tonight,” he said firmly, kicking off his shoes and joining her on the bed. He rolled over on top of her and began kissing her, one his legs fitting securely between hers. Lily could feel him hard as a rock against her thigh.

“My, you seem to have been waiting for quite awhile,” she said slyly, and he made some sort of growling noise before pulling her back.

Oh—God, she was enjoying this too much. She had to stop. She pulled her mind away and focused on something else, but the only thing she could really think of was James.

It was nice—kissing James. Oh—that feels good…It was strange how he always seemed to treat each activity—whether it be kissing, of caressing, or anything of that nature—as if it were the ultimate goal instead of sex. He kissed to kiss, he touched to touch. They were not stepping stones to some greater purpose.

And she liked it.

She bit back her loud moan as he moved against her and turned her face away. What had happened to lessons? These were not merely lessons now—they had become something more, something deeper—not good, ever fiber of her being screamed, but when he was moving like that it was hard to think it bad. She knew she should get up and run away…but it was impossible.

The tingling feeling was almost unbearable when she felt him relax and Lily kept her desperate cry back as he looked down at her calculatingly, rolling off of her and collapsing on the other side of the bed, leaving her just on the edge...

“James—” she gasped, unbelieving.

“Yes, Lily?” His voice was even and well-modulated. She wanted to hit him.

“What the hell are you doing?”

“Sleeping?”

She mustered the energy to turn over onto her side, glaring at him. “No—you're not. I didn't…I haven't…not…James!”

He was laughing at her!

“James—” Oh, God, she was on the verge of tears again. She was turning into a sniveling little wimp and it was all his fault.

“Do it yourself,” he said lazily, stretching his arms over his head and yawning.

Lily's eyes widened in spite of herself. “Do—what?”

James rolled his eyes. “Do—it—your—self.”

Lily flushed deeply when she caught his meaning. “I don't know…how…”

James paused and shifted to look at her, sitting up. “Wait—hold on just a second…I don't believe it. Haven't you ever—”

Lily shut her eyes tightly.

“It's very simple,” James said slowly, his voice still laden with incredulity. “You—””

When Lily opened her eyes they were smarting with tears. She hit him hard on the chest and he winced. “Why are you such a bastard? I just told you I don't know how to do it myself.” The last three words were dripping with sarcasm. “And I don't want to do it myself. I want you to do it to me. Un-der-stand?”

He was gazing at her impassively.

“James—I'm not going to—to get myself off—especially if you're right there. You'd probably get off on it, you pervert.”

James moved closer to her, pressing her down on the bed and sliding his hands up her sides, making her close her eyes and breathe deeply. “You know—I probably would,” he said quietly, dipping down and placing a soft, wet kiss on her jaw, then her throat, then her stomach. Lily shuddered—every inch of her skin was ten times more sensitive than it had been before. This was the worst feeling in the world—not having climaxed—but it made everything that much more amazing.

He was suckling hard at the skin on her waist. Lily bucked up against him, her thighs against his chest, telling him to get on with it. She had expected him to make her wait even longer, but this was too much.

She did not expect what he did next. He lifted his mouth from her skin, spreading her legs wider and bending his head between her thighs. His tongue blazed a hot, wet trail up her inner thigh, and then she was twisting violently away.

“Don't—not that!”

“Oh—bloody hell, Lily. Come on. He's not just going to be satisfied with a shag now and again! He'd going to want to do things to you!”

Lily highly doubted that. “I said no. I don't want you to.”

“You don't—you don't want me to?” he said, laughing. “You're so eager for anything, Lily. Why is this different?”

“I don't really think you need to teach me something like that. I think I'd pretty much just lie still while his mouth is…on me.”

James had no reply to that. He moved closer and Lily scrambled away, suddenly self-conscious of her state of nakedness. “What are you doing?”

“Li-ly,” James said, his hand sliding up her leg, “you asked me to do it to you—”

She tried to struggle—really, she did, but the way he was touching her left little room to ignore him and disregard what he was doing. It hurt—but not necessarily in a bad way. “Ow…” she whispered, and the same time letting out a moan of pure bliss. She thought he may have noticed how unusually, inexcusably rough this was, how amazing it felt, but he didn't seem to be able to stop. His breathing was labored, his eyes closed, his hands clenched tightly in the sheets above her head. Lily whimpered loudly but he did not hear. Her entire body moved and writhed with James until she couldn't even think, until all she could do was breathe hot breaths of pain and pleasure into his mouth.

……

“Hello again, Lily.”

Lily glanced at the kitchen clock, which proclaimed that it was seven in the morning, and she blinked, staring from Remus Lupin to Peter Pettigrew and then back again. Remus was pale and drawn, although he looked better than he had the day before Christmas Eve. Peter looked just as he did in school, short and chubby with watery eyes and a weak mouth. His nose was pointed and his hair was thin. Lily sometimes wondered whether Peter Pettigrew was an old man trapped in a seventeen-year-old's body

She had woken almost a half-hour earlier, realizing that she had never asked Rebecca to come to her house. After she had sent off the letter she had been unable to sleep and she had come to the kitchen for some water. “Er…” What were they doing here?

They seemed to read her mind. “Well—it's James's birthday and the party tomorrow. So…”

“Ah,” Lily said, nodding. She rubbed sleep from her eyes and smiled at Peter, who smiled nervously back. The kitchen was full of weak sunlight. Every time Lily moved she winced; the soreness from the night before was even worse than it had been her first time. She got a glass of water and sat down with Remus and Peter. “Oh—I don't have a gift for James.”

“You can always put on something skimpy and jump out of a cake,” Remus pointed out.

Lily made a face at him, but before she could reply, another voice cut in.

“Evans in a cake? To what would we owe this horror?”

“Shuddup, Black,” Lily said, hunching down in her seat.

“James's birthday,” Peter said, by way of explanation.

“You don't have a gift?” Sirius asked incredulously, taking the seat next to Remus. He looked entirely too cheerful and awake for the early hour.

Lily shook her head and groaned when Sirius grinned slyly.

“Well—you could always give him head or something equally pleasant.”

Lily spat out a mouthful of water and had a coughing fit. Remus hid a smile and Peter burst into laughter, while Sirius simply sat back in his chair and smirked.

“What's so funny?” James asked, entering the kitchen and shooting Lily a swift look.

“We were discussing Lily's birthday gift for you,” Sirius said loudly.

James rolled his eyes and walked over to the stove, taking out a pan and putting on the burner. “Come help me, Lily,” he said, and Lily paused. Perhaps he had something he needed to tell her. She got up and Sirius raised an eyebrow, probably at her obedience.

“Why aren't you using magic?” she asked.

“Dad put a restrainer on my wand,” James muttered. “'Cause I'm grounded and he found about the snowball fight the other day.”

Lily nodded and got the eggs. She began cracking them into the pan, enjoying the immediate sizzling sound that followed. She scrambled the eggs and added salt and pepper, biting her lip.

“I'm sorry,” James said after a moment, his voice quiet. He was staring at the skillet for the pancakes as if willing it to heat up faster. “I mean…I didn't really realize till after that you…that it hurt.”

“It's okay,” Lily answered. She paused, not sure whether she had truly forgiven him. It was not that hard to, after all. It hadn't been and unpleasant ending for her, not in the least…just…slightly more rough than she had been used to.

“You…but you liked it, right?”

All the awkwardness that should have been there after Christmas Eve was showing now. It was ridiculous. His eyes were averted. Lily knew he had left her room somewhere around two in the morning, and it showed in the shadows beneath his eyes.

“Well, yes…” Her reply was soft and he gave her a light smile, but she saw the relief in his eyes.

The eggs were about to burn. She transferred them to a bowl and started frying bacon and sausage. James spread pancake batter over the other skillet.

“Are your parents at work again?” she asked lightly, trying for small talk. Sirius, Remus, and Peter were having a loud conversation, but Lily could not seem to make out a word they were saying.

James shrugged and sighed. “Yeah.” He flipped a pancakes and it broke in two. He swore and glared at it as if it were alive enough to kill.

“Don't you…don't you mind that they're hardly ever home?” Lily blurted, asking the one question that had been bothering her for days.

James sighed again. “When I was little they were always home,” he began. “But…you know, when I got older, I began to understand that they had important jobs and that they needed to be devoted to them. And in my fifth year, I finally told them that they didn't need to worry about me—that I could take care of myself. And I could—holidays didn't hold any special meaning to me, so it wasn't like I needed them home on Christmas. They have the Ministry Party even year on my birthday so they're always home for that. I guess…it doesn't bother me as much as it should.”

Lily nodded. “That's…good.”

James smiled wryly, shaking off the mood. “Let's serve them breakfast.”

Lily grinned, picking up some plates. She touched his wrist briefly and he shot her a slightly reproachful look.

Oh, right. Not falling for him, Lily thought. NOT falling for him…

……

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18. Chapter Eighteen: Of Giving and Herself

Title: Lust…or Love?
Author: Sarinileni
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. Not at all. In the slightest.

Mature Subject Matter
Chapter 18: Of Giving and Herself
Date Begun: Monday, September 6, 2004
Date Finished: Wednesday, October 13, 2004
Date Posted: Tuesday, April 26, 2005

The only gift is a portion of thyself.

Ralph Waldo Emerson 1803-1882

……

Just as they were finishing breakfast, the Potters' owl—which Lily had used to deliver her letter to Rebecca—swooped in, dropping a piece of parchment in front of Lily. She snatched it from the air and scanned it, sighing in relief at Rebecca's affirmative, if inquisitive, reply. She fended off James's and Sirius's questions and perked up at Remus's suggestion for a walk and Peter's offer to make hot chocolate. James declined to come, citing fatigue as his excuse. Peter hastily said that he would also stay at the house to keep James company.

Remus, Sirius, and Lily went to get their coats and Lily walked back out into the hall just as Remus did. He led her downstairs and in a direction she had not explored, near the study, which Lily had never been in. They passed the room and Remus opened a door in a niche Lily had not seen before.

“Oh—that's beautiful.”

They were on some sort of balcony; the view was of a sweeping, snowy landscape that continued flatly for about fifteen meters before the edge of the woods appeared. This was obviously the back of the house, but the angle from inside was not correct—Lily would never understand the proportions and workings of magical houses. The sun was shining brightly but with little warmth, and the sunbeams bounced off the snow crystals and made the world seem so bright Lily could hardly stand it.

Sirius appeared, holding two cups and keeping one squeezed between the crook of his elbow. Lily and Remus darted forward, each taking a cup and leaving Sirius with one before they started down a set of stairs in the corner. Lily skimmed her bare hand over the snow on the balustrade and it went flying into the early morning air, settling on her face and hair so lightly she barely felt it. She wrapped her wet hand around her drink and felt it chase away the chill in her blood. She sipped blissfully as they began trudging across the flat land to the woods.

“Where are we going?” she asked after a moment of companionable silence.

“There's an old track in the woods,” Sirius answered. “It's beautiful this time of year.”

Lily sighed happily, always having loved snow, especially in trees. They entered the woods and the world immediately became darker, a startling contrast to the blinding light reflecting off the snow in the open land. It smelled crisp and fresh and like any other winter morning, with pine sap frozen but still slightly fragrant and with snow falling from branches and down Lily's collar. She shivered but withstood the wet just for the sheer beauty of the morning.

“Is Peter always like that?” Lily asked after a moment of quiet.

“Like what?” Remus sipped from his cup, meeting Lily's eyes with a curious, yet also knowing, gaze.

“So…such a follower. He could have come. He didn't need to stay with James.”

Sirius sighed. “Peter isn't like us, Evans. He always…wants to gain favor, especially from James. He'll do anything to be accepted.”

“Surely not anything,” Lily corrected.

“Anything,” Sirius repeated firmly. “He'd kill if it meant staying our friend.”

Lily shivered, hoping to never get on the bad side of any of the Marauders.

“Well,” Remus said cheerfully, “how's James?”

Lily deliberately misunderstood. “Why, he's fine. You just saw him in the kitchen.”

Sirius snorted. “He meant how's he as a shag, Evans. Good? Bad? Macabre?”

“Macabre?” Lily raised a brow and finished her hot chocolate. The cup instantly refilled, steaming, and Lily took a long draught to warm herself.

Sirius himself looked rather puzzled. “It seemed to fit. What does macabre mean, anyway? Ghoulish, is it?”

Remus nodded. “Interesting choice of words, Padfoot. So, is shagging James ghastly, Lily? I imagine it would be the first few times. Not what you expected, eh?”

Lily and Sirius looked at Remus, perplexed. “What on earth are you talking about?” Lily asked, and Sirius nodded to back up her question.

Remus paused. Lily felt Sirius tense beside her. “Moony,” he said quietly. “You know I've done more than enough stupid things in my life—but please—wait until you've gotten your facts straight. Do you really want to start something you may not finish?”

Remus looked straight ahead and answered neither one of them.

“Wait—what do you mean, Remus? Black? What was he talking about?”

Sirius shook his head. “This one's not for us to explain, Evans,” he said coldly. “Jeez, Prongs has got a thing for annoying redheads.”

Remus spilled some of his hot chocolate on the ground and the snow instantly melted, there one moment and gone the next. He looked at Sirius, his eyes wide, his mouth open. “Wait—has he—Padfoot!”

“We should get back,” Sirius said, his face closed off. He turned and began walking back to the Potter residence.

“Black!” Lily yelled, running to catch up with him and balancing her hot chocolate with one hand. “What the bloody hell did you mean back there?”

Sirius continued walking, showing no sign that he had heard her. Lily slowed when she heard steps behind her and whirled to face Remus.

“Remus,” she said pleadingly. “Please tell me what you meant. I've got to know. What were you talking about?”

“Don't ask me, Lily,” Remus said gruffly. “I'm just beginning to think I don't know James as well as I thought I did.”

“That's mad,” Lily stated flatly. “You're one of his best friends. And he respects you so much—the way he talks about you—”

“Pillow talk, Lily?” Remus asked, smiling wryly. “I didn't peg you for the type. Considering what James told me of your so-called `relationship', I figured you'd just shag him and be done with it.”

“We're friends,” Lily said stubbornly. “Just friends.”

“And you've got no other feelings for him besides a healthy dose of lust, right?”

Lily began backing away. Remus caught her arm. “Do you always bolt when you come against something that you don't want to face? It's a cowardly thing to do.”

“I don't have feelings for James,” Lily whispered, licking her lips. “He even told me not to have feelings for him!” Her voice was high and strained and it cut through the air like a knife. Remus's eyes widened.

“All right,” he said hastily, looking almost afraid to see her cry. “You don't care about him or like him or love him—let's go back to the house.”

“Thank you,” she said shakily, knowing she had won. However, she rather felt that she had lost something huge, instead of gaining a small victory.

......

Lily sat in her room that night at half-past eight reading a letter she had received from Vince, a short note telling her almost nothing. He spoke briefly about how Bellatrix Black had gotten engaged to a man six years older than her from another pureblood family: the Lestranges. Arrangements were being made for Vince's brother Lucius to marry Narcissa Black.

Vince had not mentioned anything about his own marriage. Lily knew without a doubt that it would have been discussed and that he had purposely left out any mention of it. Lily was disgusted—Lucius Malfoy was six years older than Narcissa Black.

She had spent the day in her room, finishing her Herbology essay and leaving her History of Magic one for later. It had been the best way to avoid Sirius and Remus, and she hoped James did not thinks eh was avoiding him by association.

“Lily?”

Lily looked up at the sound of Clark Potter's voice and hesitated. She had not seen him since the conversation she and James had had about him leaving Sabia, and she was not sure how to act around him now. She supposed she should continue on as if she had never found out, but it was hard. Part of her was angry—but another part understood where he had been coming from. Once you took a job you kept it. It was an obligation.

“Yes?”

“I've been sent to bring you out to the living room. Family tradition: we sit up with James to usher in his birthday.” Clark looked around her room and stood awkwardly. Lily bit her lip and nodded, putting away the letter, sure he knew what she was doing.

She followed him down to the living room, where everyone was amassed on top of the couches, food spread out and the radio blaring softly. Lily sat down on the couch next to Sirius, noting the cold look James threw her from his armchair.

Great…spiffing, Lily—he thinks your childish and avoiding him—and just after you made up this morning, too!

They listened to the music and talked quietly for the better part of an hour. Lily looked at James's drawn face and wondered why no one tried to talk to him, and then she realized that they only sat up with him so he would not be alone.

It was a depressing thought.

Lily shivered and tuned back into the conversation, but she was lost. She glanced at Sirius, who was gesticulating wildly about something, sighing in annoyed amusement. She felt James's glare on her back and she turned to look at him. He met her eyes, his gaze dull, and then he looked at Sirius. His eyes flicked back to Lily, over to Sirius, and then to Lily again. He sighed and looked at the floor.

Sabia asked James a question but Lily did not hear it. She was too busy pondering what James's strange look had meant. It reminded her of the other night when they had been at the theatre and he had told her that boy had liked her….

Oh, fuck.

Lily sat up straight in her chair and looked over at James, her hand over her mouth. No one noticed her. James answered his mother and then turned to Lily, his face set and grim.

I DON'T LIKE SIRIUS! she wanted to yell more than anything, but it was not possible to do so. She would have to wait until they were alone. She could ask for a word in the hall, but then everyone else would be curious.

She glanced at her watch. It was only half-past ten.

……

“Happy birthday, dear,” Sabia said, leaning over and hugging James, who looked up and smiled. He hugged his dad and his parents bade the five of them goodnight before going to their room to sleep.

“Well,” Peter said, glancing between Lily, James, and Sirius. Lily had to wonder whether his friends did not give him as much credit as he deserved. He seemed unusually perceptive for someone they put down so much.

“Right.” Sirius got up and clapped James on the shoulder. “Happy birthday, mate.”

Remus and Peter stood with Sirius, whishing James a happy birthday and leaving the room. It was just after midnight. James got up to leave and Lily jumped to her feet to halt him. “Wait!”

He rubbed his hand over his face. “Yes, Lily?”

“I…you don't think…do you think Sirius and I like each other?” she blurted, taking a step closer.

He paused, a wry smile overtaking his face. “What happened to calling him `Black', Lily?”

Lily paused and could not find the words to express what she meant. “I don't…he doesn't….”

James tried to push past her but she stepped in front of the door. “Don't you dare leave this room, James,” she said firmly. “You're the one who said this would just be fuck and go. You've got no right to care if Sirius and I like each other, which we don't—and never would…and you…you shouldn't be jealous, because then that means you…care…”

“So what?” he hissed, gripping her upper arms and glaring at her. The look in his eyes startled her…she had seldom seen someone look so angry. “If I care about you, can you really blame me? We've slept together at least once every day since Christmas Eve, right—?”

“Not every day,” Lily said faintly, simply to interrupt him.

“Don't be so literal,” he snapped. “You're not as easy to hate as you think.”

Lily's head was swimming. This information was too much for her. “You weren't supposed to…you even told me not to…”

“But I did. What're you going to do, slap me with your bloody imitation Slytherin-ness?”

“I should. This wasn't supposed to mean anything.” She looked up and met his eyes, which were even angrier. She had not known that was possible.

“Well you aren't exactly indifferent, love,” he said sarcastically. “I don't see you shagging me and leaving straight away.”

Lily's breathing sped up. “I don't give a damn about you,” she said heavily. “I haven't fallen for you, James. You told me not to, so I haven't!”

There was a horrible, hideous silence that choked Lily's throat and pressed on her chest, but then it was gone and she was free to breathe. Her anger had gone.

“Not even a little bit?” James cocked his head to the side inquisitively.

She shook her head and he took a step even closer, rubbing his hands along her arms. He bent his head down and sweetly kissed her lips, bringing his hand up and dragging the backs of his fingers down her cheek. He planted small kisses along her trembling jaw and up her cheekbone, finally resting his mouth against her temple and breathing gently. Lily's hands came up and gripped his shirt as she closed her eyes and tried to keep her balance.

“Happy birthday,” she said finally, whispering and trying to forget that he was being hypocritical. She put her arms around him and lightly kissed his neck, breathing in the sweet scent of his skin until she pulled away without a word and went to bed, leaving his question only partly answered.

……

She woke early the next morning when she had the unnerving sense of someone watching her. Her eyes blinked open and she saw that early morning light was filtering through the window, lighting upon the soft blue walls and reflecting off the crystal vase on the dresser.

She turned over on her side and saw James sitting in a chair by her bed, leaning back and staring at her from beneath hooded eyes. He smiled slightly at her when he saw that she was awake and sat up. She had the sudden image of herself in a hospital bed in the very same position, with him sitting in a chair and watching over her, but she shook it off and swallowed.

“What're you doing?” she asked, her voice scratchy. “Why're you sitting there?”

He paused. “Now that…now that you know I…well, I can finally do what I want to do.”

Lily thought about it but could not understand. She blinked and nodded, feeling especially affectionate towards him at the moment. She moved her hand slowly and held it out for him to take, which he did, joining her under the covers. It was extremely cold but he was very warm, and she threw an arm across his chest, laying her head down on his shoulder. He twisted against her and put one of his arms around her back.

“This is nice,” he said. “I've got you right where I want you.”

“Where's that?” Lily asked through a yawn.

“Trapped inside my strong, manly, athletic arms,” James said with a straight face.

“Fuck you,” Lily sighed.

“I'm working on it.”

“Happy birthday,” she added, pressing closer and curling up against him. He was so very warm.

“You already said that to me today,” he said after an awkward pause.

“Mmm,” Lily replied, shutting her eyes. “Why…do you hate your birthday?”

He touched his forehead to the top of her head and breathed deeply. “No reason,” he sighed. “Just do.”

“Not true,” Lily argued, wondering why they were talking in half-sentences. She ran her fingers along his bicep. “You hate it.”

James laughed bitterly. “When I was little I used to tell people my age. Then they'd ask when my birthday was. And when they found out I was born on December 31^st they did the math…and they suddenly got very busy and stopped talking to me, like I was the plague or a bloody infection or something—it was ridiculous…Now I know to just keep my mouth shut and not mention it.”

“December 31, 1960,” Lily said, repeating it over and over in her mind. Instead of the realization hitting her like a freight truck, the knowledge trickled in slowly and she shut her eyes when she had the full picture, hugging him tightly.

When Lily was younger, in her first three years of Hogwarts, she had never really understood why some people cringed when she said Happy New Year. In History of Magic in fourth year, they had learned about the strange events on New Year's, 1960. It had been one of the worst attacks ever in the Wizarding world. Lily now distinctly remembered the way James had always gone pale if someone mentioned it. She remembered the strange looks he had occasionally received.

“So…just because you were born on…a day when such terrible things happened…you don't like it?”

“I was born inside the Ministry,” he said after a moment, his words muffled against her hair. Lily looked up so quickly her forehead smashed against his chin. She winced and he apologized, rubbing his fingers over her forehead.

“So when Remus said you were a Ministry baby…”

“That's what he meant,” James finished flatly. “That my mother went into labor when she was delivering some papers to my dad and she was so startled by the first volley of spells that she went into bloody labor.”

“James—”

“Don't talk,” he snapped. “It was the Malfoys. Who hated each other? The Potters and the Malfoys. So I guess Tiberius Malfoy's last wish was to see the Potter line destroyed…so they attacked the Ministry so they could kill me and my mum. It didn't work out that way, did it, now? Vince knows it. He hates me. Everyone knows that the reason so many people died that night was because of me. Because I was in the building and I was born in the bleeding Department of Mysteries…it's not fair, you know? All that was indirectly my fault. All those mothers and fathers and sons and brothers and sisters…they all died because of a stupid feud where the point was to kill me.”

“Not necessarily,” Lily began.

“It's horrifying that they have that much power,” James said quietly. “There must have been at least two hundred people attacking that day. And the Malfoys orchestrated it all because my parents were getting too close to their secrets. And now—they're behind Voldemort. If they can take away the lives of so many people to try to murder three people—what will they be able to do with the money they have? Weed out the Muggles from our society? Breed anger? I think that's all they want to do: spread hate.”

“Well…do you blame yourself?” she asked after a long silence.

“Slightly…not really,” James said. “When I was little I didn't get it. Then I got older and I blamed myself. But now I just…I figure somehow something just as bad would have happened. At least I was the good thing that came out of this. Where would you be now if I hadn't been born, huh?”

He was back to being playful. His voice had gone to cheerful so quickly Lily was dizzy, but she let it go. She finally knew why he hated his birthday—she did not need to examine his feelings further.

Knowing was quite enough for her at the moment.

“We should go,” James said. Lily looked up and glanced out the window, seeing that the morning light was much brighter. It must have been about eight. “We have to help decorate the Grand Room.”

“The Grand Room?” Lily teased, smiling up at him. “You'd think you lived in a mansion.”

James smiled back and held her gaze for just a moment too long. Lily's breath caught when she remembered what had happened the previous night—or this morning. The conversation they had held had revealed more than she had ever wanted to know, but now that she did, something had fallen away from the constant weight on her shoulders. Her burden had been lightened slightly by knowing that she meant more to him than a good shag, because they had been good shags. Very good shags.

His arms tightened around her and he did not take his eyes from hers, rubbing his toe against her ankle and sending a bolt of heat all the way through her body to her head, where it made her feel slightly dizzy.

She opened her mouth to speak but he leaned down and took a kiss, pulling away gently, not having shut his eyes yet. “Don't ruin it, Lily,” he requested, his warm breath fanning her cheek.

Lily swallowed hard and finally broke eye-contact, feeling almost physical pain at the loss. She rolled out of his arms and let her feet hit the floor, rushing to the bathroom and slamming the door before sliding to the floor against it, breathing hard. After she had composed herself she turned on the water and brushed her teeth as she waited for it to reach the proper temperature. Obviously the heating charms in this room had not been renewed recently, and she was loath to go back into her room and retrieve her wand so she could do it herself.

She finished with her teeth and stepped into the shower, letting the unforgiving hot water turn her skin a vibrant pink color. She scrubbed vigorously at herself and her hair until she was the very definition of pink and clean, then stepped out of the shower and wrapped herself in a towel.

She did not expect James to still be in her room but he was, sitting against the headboard, his posture relaxed and his eyes on the bed. He looked up from his focus on the coverlet and trailed impassive eyes over her towel clad body. The towel was one of the larger ones and it draped awkwardly over her slightly lanky frame, but he betrayed nothing of what he thought. Her hair was plastered to her neck in such a way that it itched. Lily shifted, dripping on the carpet, and then paused.

She had no gift for James except herself.

Hesitatingly, she took a step forward and let the towel slip, shivering when the cold air of the room met her damp body and soaking hair. She crawled towards him on the bed, seeing his eyes flicker to her chest and then her face.

“James,” she said haltingly.

“Lily,” he replied.

“This time…I'm on top.”

He actually laughed. “Alright, Lily.”

“And James…”

“Yes?”

“It just for you, you know. Not anyone else. This time it's just for you.”

James cocked his head to the side, his expression serious as he considered her. He seemed to understand what she meant perfectly. “And for you, as well,” he finally agreed, reaching out a hand and pulling her forearm hard, laying her down in the rumpled sheets and letting the water from her hair soak the pillow. It was not long before his clothes were gone too, and when he tentatively leaned his head down between her thighs, she was infinitely arching towards him, and never away.

……

Lily never knew what woke her an hour later, but she reckoned it was some sort of self-preservatory sense.

She looked over at James, taking in his fair skin and the dark shadows his lashes made under his eyes, and the way he lay sprawled out over the bed, confident that it was his territory. She tried to muster anger that he felt so at home in her bed, but then again, it wasn't really her bed, was it? It belonged to him more than it did to her.

She leaned over him, brushing some of his hair off his face and leaning down to skim her lips over his cheek. Her hand was still entwined with his and she drew it away slowly, her breathing labored.

She had to leave. She was supposed to meet Rebecca at her own house at three, and she had to get there before the other girl to make sure things were okay. Vince was coming to get them sometime before seven, although Lily forgot exactly when.

Normally when she remembered that she was dating Vince, she pulled away from James, but the thought of returning to the blond boy's company was so foreign after James's warmth that she moved closer to the person next to her, sniffling slightly.

She was in love with James, and curse it, she could do nothing. She had never known anything as sweet as his mouth or his fingers against her, as the feel of him inside her body, as the way he kissed her. She wouldn't be able to have that once she left this house, and leave she must. She chewed at her lip, swallowing a lump of tears and fighting the urge to cry. She had already told James she could have nothing to do with him, and he had made it clear that although he had feelings for her, undefined feelings, he still didn't want a relationship with her. It was too late to take it back now. Nothing she said could remedy the situation in the short time they had left. Nothing could ever really remedy it. So why stay? She had no reason to stay if she couldn't have James, and she couldn't.

Fifteen minutes later found Lily packed and tiptoeing to the front hall, her wand in her hand. It was ten in the morning, and she heard voices down the hall, floating up the staircase from the Grand Room. They got louder and Lily walked faster, wincing when she heard Sirius's voice.

“Lily! Do you know where…are you leaving?”

Despite herself, Lily rolled her eyes, glancing at her trunk behind her. She raised an eyebrow at Sirius.

“Where's James?” Sirius demanded, his voice suddenly cold.

Lily did not answer, but she saw his eyes follow hers as she looked up the stairs to her former room, where James was still asleep.

“Merlin and Agrippa curse it all, Evans,” Sirius swore. “I told you not to screw with my best friend. Dump your bloody Malfoy bastard. He's just using you. James wants you—not that I know why. James is worth ten of Malfoy—and you—are you okay?”

Even though he was angry with her, the concern showed through. Lily flicked her wand at her trunk, tears blurring her vision, and then stepped away from Sirius. He darted in front of her and called for Remus and Peter before she could move more than a foot. The other boys appeared within moments and came towards Lily and Sirius. Lily was trying to sidestep Sirius, tears of fury now almost totally obscuring visibility. Sirius blocked her every time she moved.

“Lily? Sirius? What's wrong?” Remus asked, his gaze going from one to the other.

“Ask her,” Sirius growled, glaring. “She's leaving. And James is in her room. Wonder what happened there?” He took a step forward, towering over Lily. “Couldn't handle it, could you?”

For that brief second, as Lily locked eyes with Sirius Black, she realized that he understood her better than she understood herself. She took a steady breath and moved forward until she was nose to nose with him.

“I…like James. Very much. But now isn't the time to make Vince mad. He'd know…it was because of James, and I don't want either of them hurt over this…mistake.” She gave a watery laugh, knowing she couldn't care less what happened to Vince. “James told me that there was no chance of—I mean, if I left Vince for James—what with his parents and all…come on, Sirius. James'll move on. I'll deal. It's not like you find your soul mate at seventeen or anything. It was a learning experience, alright? Maybe…later. When it's all blown over and Vince doesn't suspect I'm here and if the circumstances are—are better. I can't…describe…please let me through. I need to go.”

“So you're just going to leave James with no explanation? None of us is going to explain for you.” Remus's voice was even but his eyes were cold as ice when he met Lily's eyes.

Lily had been counting on just that. She threw a look at Peter, who looked confused but also had the look of someone who was figuring something out. He had always scared her with his shrewdness.

“Couldn't you…?”

“No.” Sirius stepped out of her way. “Get out.”

“Don't be so dramatic,” she snapped shakily, but the situation called for it. She stepped into the crisp morning and heard the door slam behind her, then Sirius's voice raised in rage. Something shattered inside the house and Lily winced.

She hurried to hail the Knight Bus before James woke.

What a gift to give him on his eighteenth birthday.

……

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19. Chapter Nineteen: Of Rapists and Reflection

Title: Lust…or Love?
Author: Sarinileni
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. Not at all. In the slightest.

Mature Subject Matter
Chapter 19: Of Rapists and Reflection
Date Begun: Wednesday, November 10, 2004
Date Finished: Sunday, November 21, 2004
Date Posted: Monday, May 2, 2005

……

[Certain Tragedy, by Saves The Day]

……

Lily Evans had some serious issues.

James had decided this the moment he saw her accept a date with Vincent Malfoy, and not a moment before. Of course, he had been rather insulted when she had refused to go out with James himself, but it was understandable in retrospect. Dating Malfoy, however, was unforgivable. Strangely enough, James had forgiven her. Completely. Totally.

That is, until she left him in bed after the best sex they had had yet—on his birthday.

Now that, James knew, was unforgivable.

He should have known, really. The moment he had woken up he should have known, but instead he had lain their like a great sod in some sort of euphoric state, until he had heard Sirius curse Lily and the sound of something expensive and breakable hitting something else, probably a wall.

It was, James found out, the front door, and if he had gotten up just ten minutes earlier, he would have seen Lily before she left. Maybe he could have stopped her from leaving. Sirius had been unable to talk to James. Remus had been very closemouthed. Peter knew nothing about the real situation, and therefore had no clue what to say. For once, Peter kept his mouth shut about the shit he did not understand. James was grateful.

His parents had come upstairs as well, a side affect of having to watch their backs for just under twenty years. The crash had alerted them that something had gone wrong, and they appeared in the foyer just as James did. James instantly knew that Lily had gone, and his parents must have guessed, considering the sympathetic looks they had given him.

“You alright, mate?”

James's head shot up at the sound of Sirius's voice and he shrugged, offering a smile. “I'll get over it.” It was half-past five and James had been glaring at the slowly setting sun.

“She said that too,” Sirius remarked, leaning against the doorframe and crossing his arms. “Seems to me you could have just gotten together and not had to get over each other.”

James shrugged again. He lay back on his bed and grabbed the Quaffle next to his be, throwing it up in the air and catching it as it fell. Sirius clapped his hands and held them out. James tossed the Quaffle to his friend and he caught the hard ball, his fingers closing deftly around it.

“Why didn't you ever play Quidditch?” James asked as Sirius passed the Quaffle back. “You'd make a good Chaser for the team.”

Sirius made a face. “Never did do well with conformity. House Quidditch has too many rules. I'd rather play over the summer with all of you.”

James nodded and they passed the Quaffle in companionable silence for a minute more before he spoke. “We were just…sleeping together. There wasn't anything else.”

Sirius caught the Quaffle and held it, tilting his head to the side and raising an eyebrow so high it almost disappeared into his hairline. Damned talented eyebrows.

“There wasn't supposed to be anything there when we started,” James corrected. “You remember a few days before the Hols started?…we were in the library going over the map. Malfoy came up and asked whether Lily was a good shag.”

“I remember,” Sirius said inscrutably, throwing the Quaffle at James. There seemed to be a little more strength behind the throw this time. James matched it.

“Lily asked me to teach her how to shag him. And I did. End of story.”

“There was a little more there than just shagging,” Sirius pointed out, hurling the Quaffle into James's waiting hands.

“There wasn't supposed to be.” James's answer came out through gritted teeth.

“So let me get this straight,” Sirius said acidly, pausing in his throw. “You just…let yourself get used.”

“I wasn't used!” James shouted.

“Yes, you bloody well were. Who do you think she was thinking of when you were fucking her? Did she scream your name or his? Who do you think was on her mind when she was sucking your bloody dick?”

“She never said his name,” James yelled. “And she never gave me head. Do you think I would have let her? Do you honestly think I respected her that little?”

“YES!” Sirius roared, making James glad his parents were all the way down in the Grand Room. “You let her use you to become more knowledgeable about giving Malfoy the time of his fucking life. How could you possibly respect her at all—”

“I did! A whole lot until she ditched me on my birthday!—”

“And do you honestly think that she's never going to have to give Malfoy a little head? Like he'd settle for plain sex—”

Despite the fact that James was pissed off as hell at Lily, he felt a stab of worry and hoped that she would be able to wing it. Oral sex was something they had never touched upon for him—only for her.

“I was the one using her,” James said, his voice suddenly very flat. “I've wanted her for ages. Was I supposed to resist a blatant offer for all the sex I wanted?”

“You know she loves you. Likes you. Whatever. It's close enough to love—”

“She knows how I feel about her. Felt, I mean. I don't really want to look at her right now.” James felt sick.

“So she still just—up and went. Even though she knew you wanted a—a relationship with her. Can you even call what the two of you would have a relationship? You'd both be more in it for the sex than anything else. You had a pretty good arrangement, didn't you?”

James nodded, swallowing hard. He wished Sirius would just shut up.

“Too bad you never got some head from her—”

“Get out,” James bellowed, and Sirius bowed, a mocking grin on his face.

“This time, Prongs, you were in the wrong too. Not just her.”

With that, Sirius flung the Quaffle at James and it hit him in the stomach, knocking the breath from his body. His best friend slammed the door on his way out, and James swore loudly at his back.

……

After he had sulked for the better part of an hour, James began to get ready for the bloody New Year's party. He took a shower and told himself not to think of Lily, got dressed and told himself not to think of Lily, combed his hair and told himself not to think of Lily, brushed his teeth and told himself not to think of Lily, glanced at the clock (it was almost six-thirty) and told himself not to think—

Oh, what was the bloody use?

He scowled when he heard the knock on his door and yanked it open, cravat in one hand. His mother stood there, splendid in a formal, long blue dress. She stepped into his room and took the cravat, fastening it properly around his neck.

“Lily left?” she asked softly.

James scowled even more and shrugged.

“Did you two fight?”

James was about to shake his head, but instead he nodded. It was much simpler to explain it that way.

“Is she still going to come tonight?”

James shook his head. Of course she wouldn't come. This way Malfoy never had to know anything about anything.

Sabia nodded and quite suddenly hugged James. “I love you, James. No matter what insensitive thing you've done this time.”

James nodded in return and wished he was shorter so he could hide his face against her shoulder. His mother pulled away and kissed him on the cheek, placing her hand there to wipe away the mark her lipstick had left. “James,” she whispered, suddenly tearful. “You…I do love you. Very much.”

“I love you too, Mum,” James answered hoarsely.

“Happy birthday. I know we haven't always…been here when you wanted us to be—”

“No, Mum—”

“—but we're here. You're all…grown up, aren't you? I can't stop you from doing what you want….”

James hugged his mother tightly and she shook her head. “I know you slept with Lily when I told you not to, James, and I don't condone it, but I do understand—”

“Mum, I didn't mean to…well, I did, of course, but it's okay now. I won't anymore. She's not worth it. If she wants to just—just leave, then that's her problem. It's not mine. I don't have to deal with it.”

His mother stepped away and looked at him pityingly. “Oh, James. You poor boy. You don't know anything.”

……

“I'm Irish as well,” Rebecca said.

“Are you?” Lily asked, surprised. “I never understood why half the people from Ireland were black-haired and blue-eyed and the rest redheads. Never.”

“Well, people from Ireland are naturally black-haired and blue-eyed, like Germans are blond-haired with blue eyes. But when the Vikings invaded Ireland they raped the women—and then the redheads were born.”

Lily paused. “Great. Wonderful to know I'm descended from a line of rapists.”

Rebecca laughed, shaking her curler-covered head. “That is good to know. And I'm not!”

Lily made a face at the other girl and continued to apply makeup to her white skin. Rebecca held still as Lily swept eyeliner across her upper eyelids. She opened her eyes and Lily stepped back, smiling and capping the eyeliner pen.

Rebecca had arrived just an hour earlier and they were now getting ready. They had almost an hour and a half until Vince came to pick them up, and they were hardly ready. Their dresses lay on Lily's bed and make-up was scattered on the vanity along with an array of hair supplies.

Rebecca was not a very pretty girl. Her nose was a little too wide and she needed makeup to look her best. Her eyes were beautiful—big and blue, and her hair was dark and shiny and very straight, but they were curling it for the party. Her waist was a little too big, but her cheekbones were nothing to sneeze at. Lily frowned and handed Rebecca some lipstick to try on.

“You were at James Potter's house, weren't you?” Rebecca suddenly asked, causing Lily to drop the lip balm she had been holding.

“Er…”

“I knew it. Did you get my gift?”

Lily nodded, speechless. Rebecca glanced at her in the mirror, and eyebrow raised. “What did you make of it?”

Lily shrugged. “I had no clue what it was. What is it?”

Rebecca laughed. “Lily…I'm not the most…normal girl in the world, am I? I know things. I see things. Not like Trelawney, that Hufflepuff who graduated when we were in First Year. I'm not…very strong yet. But you know, I do things without realizing it sometimes, and those things come in handy. Keep that box close. I have no clue why I got it made but I did and it cost quite a bit, so it's important.”

Lily nodded silently. She glanced over at her trunk, where she had packed away the heavy box against her return to Hogwarts. She slowly began to take the curlers out of Rebecca's hair, suddenly solemn. What could possibly be in her future that it was necessary to have protection from Rebecca Rookwood and a mysterious silver box with Latin engraved on the top?

……

She liked to think she was cold.

James stared off into space as he waited for the first guests to arrive, thinking about (what a shock) Lily.

It was something he had often noticed. She tried to be as walled off and icy as possible—as incredibly Slytherin-like as possible. Unfortunately for her, it did not work. He had seen her before she had begun dating Malfoy, and he knew how explosive she could be. She had—passion. Fire. Warmth—whatever it should be called.

It was sickening to think of that wasted on Malfoy.

James groaned, disgusted at the thought of Vincent Malfoy's white, bony hands on Lily's body. He turned his face to the side and Remus tapped him on the shoulder. “Buck up, mate. Is she going to…never mind.”

“Do you think she's coming now?” James asked acidly. “I don't think so.”

“I do think she's coming now. Didn't you say that Malfoy invited her? It would look strange if she backed out on that. She's going to be here, Prongs.”

James felt even sicker.

……

“Well, Rebecca. I do think you look brilliant.”

Rebecca blushed all the way up her razor sharp cheekbones. Lily sighed enviously. While the other girl was not necessarily pretty, she had an undeniable and unconventional charm. Lily was thinking how she would be perfect for Sirius but then dismissed the idea. Black was prat. He did not deserve Rebeccca.

And, for that matter, neither did Remus. Aside from that, Rebecca was interested in the Keeper of the Ravenclaw Quidditch team, so she really did not need Lily's matchmaking schemes in her life. Lily was sure she could get whatever bloke she wanted if she batted those dark lashes over those big blue eyes and shook out her straight black hair. Her mouth was rather thin, but the overall effect was startling. Her face was striking—just not beautiful.

“Are you sure purple is a good color for me? I was thinking—”

“Purple's great,” Lily interrupted. “You look stunning.”

Rebecca smile gently and stepped to the side, motioning for Lily to sit down in the chair. Lily shook her head and backed away, pulling her dress over her head. “Oh—no. That's fine. I'm just going to put on the dress and go. I don't really care all that much.” Her words were muffled by the fabric.

Rebecca stared at her as if she was absolutely barmy. “Are you sure? I mean—won't Vince Malfoy be a little angry?”

Lily's heart sank. She was not up for a makeover, but she could not go looking like a mess. Vince would kill her. His parents were probably going to be there, as well as his brother and many other important people. She had to make a good impression.

“I…”

“Sit,” Rebecca said quietly. “I didn't mean to upset you.”

“Oh—no!” Lily hastened to assure Rebecca everything was fine. “It's okay. You're completely right. Vince would murder me. I've never met his parents before.”

Rebecca laughed shortly. “It's a pleasure. And you're—” she gestured around the house, “—Muggleborn.” She winced and shook her head. “Is he insane? Are you? His father is…he's terrible. He'll tear you to pieces.”

Lily paused as she met Rebecca's bright eyes in the mirror. They were—not fearful—but worried. Anxious. Lily decided to let this one go, as Rebecca did not look willing to talk about it.

Despite herself, Lily could not resist probing. “Have you met them before? His family?”

Rebecca sighed and began separating Lily's hair into little sections. “Yes. I met his parents once. And Lucius…more than once.” Rebecca bit her lip. “And once was more than enough for his parents.” She met Lily's eyes over her deftly moving fingers and quickly looked away. “Lucius is obviously the favored son because Vince….he's not….”

“He's not a Malfoy. Not a true one.”

Rebecca raised and eyebrow. “See, that's what everyone thinks. Everyone seems to forget that both his parents are Malfoys, so he is half-Malfoy.”

“Both his—but that—”

“First cousins,” Rebecca said grimly. “It was rather shocking at the time. My mother told me. I was going to say that's he's not his father's son. Which—I hope you realize, gives Vince Malfoy purer blood than his father or his brother. Antonin Dolohov—his mother's lover. His family's got blood as pure as gold. And Vince's mother is from the Malfoy side of the family that's got no Muggle blood it at all. Vince's father's line, however—there were a few half-bloods in there. Even a few Muggle-borns. And very far back—briefly—an actual Muggle.”

Lily considered this as Rebecca began to curl her hair into tight ringlets. “So…his father will be more open to me? Because his blood's not so pure?”

Rebecca shook her head vigorously. “Merlin, no! He'll freeze you out. He forgets he's got Muggle-blood in him. His wife is….very strange. Very cold. And Lucius—he's the scariest man I've ever met. He…knows that I know things. He asked me to help him once and he tried to…make advances while we were…in Vince's presence.” Rebecca made a face and released Lily's hair from the curling iron. “I ran.”

“But you didn't tell anyone?” Lily asked.

Rebecca shrugged. “They're a very influential family. And…it's easier not to refuse Lucius. Not only is he very handsome—he's so confident and persuasive. And he…he's strong.”

Rebecca's cheeks were bright red as she bent her head and Lily stared at her in the mirror, her eyes wide and her mouth poised on the question.

“I, too, have some Muggleborn-blood in me,” Rebecca said proudly. “Narcissa Black…they're to be married soon. She and Lucius. I've learned that Lucius is…very fickle, if not very pleasing.”

Lily cleared her throat and smiled at Rebecca's reflection. “So….”

“Be careful, Lily,” Rebecca suddenly said, her voice a thin whisper. She continued to methodically curl Lily's hair. Lily sensed that she was not done speaking yet. “Vince isn't good for you. But if you leave him now…something will happen to James.”

Lily started at the sound of his name, almost getting burned by the curling iron. “And Vince's parents won't want you near them. Avoid them. At all costs.” Rebecca blinked, the moment passed, and they began to chatter about nonsense again, the air heavier than it had been before. Rebecca finished with Lily's hair and applied makeup to her flinching face.

“The good thing about wearing black is that you can wear any makeup you want with it.” Rebecca smiled. Lily raised an eyebrow at her and looked at the gold-stained eye brush in her hand.

“Gold? Isn't that a little…tawdry?”

Rebecca shook her head. “Of course not. Now say `ahhh'.”

Lily did. Rebecca carefully and meticulously applied vibrant red lipstick to Lily's mouth and instructed her to even it out by rubbing her lips together. Lily looked at her face in the mirror and smiled slightly, touching her chin just below her lips. “This'll stop him dead in his tracks,” she murmured.

One thought stuck in her mind. Was she talking about Vince…or James?

……

At precisely ten of seven, Vince knocked on the door and Lily opened it, stepping back to allow him to get a good look at her. Regardless of whom she had been thinking of earlier, Vince froze and gave her a once-over. “You look…you…you look just like a witch.”

Lily smiled, catlike, and leaned forward to kiss him on the cheek, making sure her lipstick did not smudge. “I am a witch, Vince,” she whispered hotly in his ear.

He nodded and pulled away to turn to Rebecca, his crisply cut slate-gray robes with black trimming swirling about his feet. He bowed gallantly to her and she raised an eyebrow. “Hello, Vincent,” she said stiffly, looking past him at the wall. It was Lily's turn to raise an eyebrow.

“How are you, Rebecca?” he asked cordially. “Have you seen my brother lately?”

“I haven't seen your brother in a while,” Rebecca said smoothly. “Thankfully,” she added. “I'm not that keen to talk to him again.” She shrugged. “I don't mean to be rude.”

“I understand what you mean. My brother is…very bitter at the moment. Narcissa Black was not his first choice, although I'm sure you already know that.”

“I had no idea,” Rebecca said breezily, snatching her clock from his hanger. “Are we leaving? Or are we going to be more than six minutes late? We all know that's unacceptable.”

Vince pulled a small, velvet box out of his pocket and held it out. Lily told him to wait and bounded upstairs and opened the box Rebecca had given her, where she had put all of her jewelry that she had received on Christmas. She took out both the bracelet James's parents had given her and the pendant from Vince, searching for a gold chain. That difference in gold and silver from the engraving and the chain was hardly noticeable at all. Lily fastened the clasp and raced downstairs, where Rebecca was standing placidly and Vince was waiting impatiently, his foot tapping. Lily and Rebecca put their fingers on the box and Vince tapped it with his wand.

Lily felt a violent jerk behind her navel and felt wind rushing around her. She squeezed her eyes shut until her feet slammed painfully into the ground and her knees shook. She fought to keep her balance and then looked around, taking in the familiar front yard of the Potters' house.

……

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20. Chapter Twenty: Of Stalking and Storming

Title: Lust…or Love?
Author: Sarinileni
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. Not at all. In the slightest.

Mature Subject Matter
Chapter 20: Of Stalking and Storming
Date Begun: Sunday, November 21, 2004
Date Finished: Monday, November 29, 2004
Date Posted: Monday, May 2, 2005

……

[Rest in Pieces, by Saliva]

……

She noticed that Vince was watching her closely and raised both eyebrows. “This is Potter's house? You'd expect it to be bigger than Hogwarts, the way he carries on!”

Vince relaxed slightly and stepped forward, reaching for the doorknob. Lily shut her eyes tightly and waited for his yell as the shock hit him, but nothing happened. He held out an arm to Rebecca and then one to Lily. Each girl rested a palm lightly on his forearm as they continued outside. Lily held back her instinct to lead the way so it seemed like she had no idea where she was going.

Vince led them to the door of the cellar and they continued into the well-lit, magnificent room. Lily's breath caught in her throat as they began to descend the stairs. The room was decorated so beautifully she could hardly stand it. She looked at Vince instead.

“Tonight.” His voice was deep, low, and suggestive; fear lanced through her. She shook her head slightly.

“No. When we get back to school.”

Vince grinned as they veered to the right at the bottom of the steps and he released both girls. “The train.” Despite the fact that he was smiling, there was a world of ice and determination behind his words. Lily knew there was no way she could avoid this conversation. It had to be had.

No! Lily's mind cried, but she forced the thought away. It had to happen, even though she was greatly opposed to the idea.

Dear God, Lily thought. Have I…admitted that I don't want Vince anymore?

She had admitted just that. The only problem was that it was impossible to have James now: not when things were so decidedly unstable.

No matter. Vince was as good as anyone else, she supposed, ignoring the niggling voice that said, Besides James. “I'll give you something on the train,” she breathed in Vince's ear, before smiling and stepping away, her face innocent. Vince swore violently.

“Tease,” he accused her quietly, so Rebecca would not hear, and Lily just smiled, thankful for all James had told her, although there was really nothing she could give him on the train because she and James had never gotten to that. “Lily—where'd she go?”

Lily looked around. Rebecca was gone. “I…don't know.”

Something dark crossed his patrician face, but then he shrugged and he was as fair as winter again. He looked around, bored. “Oh, there's Potter Senior. We've got to say hello. Propriety and all that.”

Lily froze. “No—how about you do that and I stay here. I don't want to meet Potter's bloody father—or his mother!”

Vince shook his head. “No, you've got to come. Otherwise you'll look…churlish.”

“Vince, I'm sure they don't want to see me! I'm Muggleborn.”

What the hell? Lily thought, amazed at her own lack of creativity. Please tell me he isn't actually going to fall for that…

He did, after a fashion. Vince snorted. “Don't worry. The fuckers are Muggle-lovers.”

Lily smiled wryly. “How sad for them, to respect Muggles as human beings,” she said, her voice laden with sarcasm.

Vince rolled his eyes. “Oh, I know you don't really care. Come on, let's go! I'm not getting yelled at for not paying my respects to the bloody hosts. Even though they do hold this thing for Potter's birthday. Imagine being born on this day.”

“It's Potter's birthday?” Lily asked nonchalantly as Vince dragged her along. She was still smarting from his remark about her not caring for her heritage. She saw James and met his eyes for one jarring moment before Vince pulled her out of his line of sight.

“Yeah. Stop moving so slow. Why don't you want to meet them?”

Lily suddenly caught sight of James, who was glancing at her and speaking quickly to his mother as they walked over to Clark. He must have raced across the room to get to her.

Oh, this was going to be fun. Lily followed Vince, her heart beating erratically in her chest and her breath quickening. What was she going to do? Her eyes darted around to find a means for escape but there was none available. She would have to stick it out with his parents.

“Good Evening, Mr. and Mrs. Potter. Thank you so much for inviting my family and I. May I present Lily Evans, my guest for the evening?”

Thank God she didn't have to curtsey. Lily smiled tremulously and met Clark and Sabia's confused, disappointed eyes. They glanced at their son before Clark held out his hand for her to shake. Lily took it.

“It's nice to meet you,” she said quietly, and then took Sabia's proffered hand, feeling James's mother squeeze her hand tightly before taking it away. “Thank you for letting me be here.”

“It's our pleasure,” James cut in silkily, making the remaining group of four look at him. “Thanks for deigning to show your faces. Both of you. Actually—thanks for having the nerve—”

“James, perhaps you should go talk to Sirius. He seems rather set on spiking the punch,” Mrs. Potter hastily said, widening her eyes slightly at James.

James glared at his mother and then at Lily and Vince before turning and walking away briskly. Lily gritted her teeth and smiled without showing her teeth.

“I apologize,” Clark said formally, although Lily detected a hint of pride in his voice. “James is very….set in his convictions. He doesn't change his mind very easily.”

Lily looked at Clark and winced when she saw he was staring right at her. She met his eyes cautiously and managed to smile. “That alright. Thank you again. The Hall is…beautiful.”

There was an awkward silence before Sabia stepped forward and nodded. “I'm sure that's quite a compliment, coming from someone as lovely as you, Miss Evans.”

“Lily, please,” Lily replied before Vince led her away.

Sabia and Clark watched them leave, and then looked at each other. “What,” Clark said slowly, “the hell—was that?”

Sabia shrugged. “I'm not very sure. James just said to pretend we didn't know her unless we wanted a brawl in the middle of the party.”

Clark shook his head. “Do you think…all that time she was here…she was Vince Malfoy's girlfriend?”

Sabia paused. “Yes, I do think so.”

“Bee—” Clark grabbed her arm. “She could've been passing on information. Her wand is charmed to be let in and we would need it in order to take off the enchantment. Anyone can get in with her—”

“No,” Sabia said thoughtfully. “Anyone can get in tonight, anyway, dear. Anyone invited, and quite a few unsavory people have been invited.”

“But...if she was reporting to Malfoy…”

Sabia shook her head. “No,” she repeated. “I think Lily's just torn between a Gryffindor and a Slytherin, and she doesn't know which one is best for her. James suits her better, I would think…but Malfoy is…different to her, I suppose. He has a mystery to him. She doesn't even know who she herself is. She doesn't understand that the boy from her own house is better for her.”

Clark paused at the strange comment. “We're very well suited, and we're from different houses,” he pointed out, not sure whether he had just stomped on the proverbial ice and fallen into icy water. They never talked about this.

“Yes,” Sabia said, turning and kissing him lightly on the mouth. She hesitated, searching for the right words. “But we were different.”

Clark smiled down at his wife, not missing the faint flicker of pain in her eyes, but then someone came up to greet them, and that was the end of it.

……

“That was strange,” Lily ventured, standing near the wall with Vince, who was glancing around as if bored.

He shrugged. “Bloody Potter.”

Lily did not ask him to specify which Potter he meant. It was quite clear. “Could you go get me a drink?”

Vince sighed. “What would you like? Anything goes—nobody's watching what I get.”

“Just punch, please,” Lily told him. He shrugged again and walked off. Lily looked around as he did so, trying to tell herself she was not looking for James.

But…she was.

She spotted him with Remus, sipping from a cup of something that was, considering his abhorrent taste, probably vile. He was staring out darkly over the room. She saw Rebecca approach them and ask something. Within moments, Rebecca turned and began heading towards Lily.

“So,” the other girl said when she reached Lily, flushed and on the verge of tipsy already. “James has been looking at you all evening because he answered my question as to where you were in less than a second, Lucius is very late, the Potters are lovely, and Remus Lupin is incredibly good looking.”

Lily shook her head. “He doesn't deserve you, so I wouldn't bother.”

“But I'm not you,” Rebecca pointed out. “And he's better than Lucius, I daresay. Besides, I do need a good shag.”

Lily laughed. “Shagging Remus. Never thought of that one before.”

“You wouldn't,” Rebecca snorted. “Potter's the only bloke you've ever shagged.”

Lily's mouth dropped open and she stared at Rebecca, who clapped her hands over her mouth. “I'm so sorry! It just came out—I just knew…don't take what Vince gives you, Lily. He's laced it with something.”

Lily opened her mouth to inquire about this strange ability Rebecca had when Vince came back and handed her a cup that smelled vaguely spicy. He turned away immediately to look at Rebecca as Lily closed her mouth and frowned, staring hard into the drink.

“Care for a dance?” he asked flippantly.

Rebecca shrugged. “Of course.”

They waltzed off and Lily poured her drink into one of the potted plants that was standing in the corner next to her. Immediately, all the seeds within the near vicinity shriveled up and died. Lily shook her head. He had added a Contraceptive Draught to her drink—not knowing that she was already on it because of James. One dose protected for nearly three months, so she had no use for such potions until mid-March.

“Having fun?” asked a voice right in her ear, sending warm breath across her cheek. She started and turned to Sirius, angry already. She took a step back and resisted the urge to smack him right across his perfect face.

“Loads,” she said viciously. “You?”

Sirius gave a bark of laughter. “My entire family's here. I'm having a right good time.”

Lily had heard many stories about the infamous Black family. “So—your mother and your father?” she asked, curious despite her resolve to freeze Sirius out.

Sirius shook his head, sighing. “My entire family. Cousins, aunts, uncles, parents….This is my worst nightmare. Oy, how goes it, Remus?”

Remus had come up on Lily's other side while she had been concentrating on Sirius's scintillating conversation. Lily stiffened as they both began to guide her around the room, undoubtedly over to where James was. “Sirius—Remus—”

“Why, I'm fine, you dog, you,” Remus replied, grinning at Lily. “Hello, Lily. Good night, huh?”

“Not really,” she said rudely, flaring up at him. “Stop. I don't want to see him!”

“Too late,” Sirius said cheerfully, and he and Remus let her go right in front of James, who stared impassively past them.

“Padfoot, Moony—do I know her?”

“Pretty damn well, I'd say,” Remus answered nonchalantly, a positively lecherous smile on his face. He leaned against the wall. “Oh, look. It's Malfoy. And his eye-candy.”

“More like yours,” Lily snapped, “and her name's Rebecca. Got that? Do I need to repeat it for you?”

“Ouch,” Remus said calmly. “No repetition necessary. I'm sure to remember this one.”

Seeing normally quiet and kind (albeit strange) Remus Lupin act as such made Lily feel like the world was tipping on its bloody axis.

“He gets like that sometimes,” Sirius explained, pushing himself off the wall and clapping a hand on James's shoulder. “Kind of like your time of the month, Evans.”

Lily rolled her eyes. By then, Vince and Rebecca had reached them. Rebecca's cheeks were flushed from dancing and drink and her curls had sprung out of her ribbon, but Vince was as unruffled as ever. Rebecca greeted all of them naively, her voice high and sweet. Lily sighed.

“Could you stop that bloody sound?” James said, whipping his head around to pin Lily with his dark eyes.

Lily sighed again just to hack him off. James violently threw his drink into the nearest decorated bin and began to make a rude gesture towards Lily, who, forgetting where she was and who was with her, grabbed his hand to prevent him from doing so.

“Fuck you,” she hissed, squeezing his hand hard before letting it go. James glared down at her, his eyes incensed behind his glasses. Lily felt a hand on her shoulder and was horrified to see Vince looking down questioningly at her.

“Did you just touch him?” he inquired coldly.

Lily made her best disgusted face and grabbed the cup of water Rebecca had, pouring it over her hand and letting it fall onto the floor, where it disappeared instantly. Lily shook her hand out to remove the excess water. “Unfortunately.” She looked up and saw James looking at her, almost as if he was considering her. He shook his head slowly; his shoulders slumped and he sighed, looking off over her head and around the room. Lily's heart wrenched painfully.

“Well, what have we here?” asked a quiet, dangerous voice. Lily turned quickly as Rebecca went white and Remus swore mildly. “My brother's girlfriend is most decidedly a maniac, my love.”

Standing behind Vince was a tall, imposing man who looked to be five or six years older than Lily and her companions. His hair was almost white and he could have been Vince's twin aside from the color of his eyes, which were a cold, icy gray. Beside him stood a waiflike blonde girl whom Lily knew had to be Narcissa Black, who had graduated just that autumn from Durmstrang. Also in his group were two other people—another man with the same hair and eyes as Vince with a completely different facial structure, and with him, a dark-haired woman who would have been lovely if the look behind her eyes hadn't betrayed a slight touch of madness.

“Lucius, I would like you to meet Lily, who most certainly is not a maniac. You've met the rest—but have you met Rebecca Rookwood?”

Lucius Malfoy smiled. “I have, indeed. It's a pleasure as always, Miss Rookwood. I enjoyed our conversation last time we saw each other. Perhaps there could be a reoccurrence?”

Rebecca smiled icily, her eyes flickering over to Narcissa, who stood impassively by the older Malfoy's side. “I'm afraid not. I'm rather…busy. If I find the time, of course we can have a conversation.”

Lucius raised an eyebrow. “Well done,” he said, almost warmly, but then he turned hard as steel again. “Rebecca, this is Narcissa Black. We shall be married in the spring. And this is Rodolphus; and Bellatrix, Narcissa's sister,” Lucius said, smiling indulgently at Rebecca's refusal.

“Is my cousin here? I haven't seen him for two years now,” remarked Bellatrix, her long neck craning as she tried to look around James. Lily glanced over and saw that Sirius had gone, probably not wanting to deal with his family. She muttered something that sounded much like `bastard' under her breath.

“The only bastard I see around here is Malfoy,” James said acidly, crossing his arms over his chest, “the younger brother.” He smirked as he clarified his earlier remark and Lily bit her cheek hard to keep from smiling.

Vince snarled and Lily grabbed his hand before he could lash out. He turned to call her on her protectiveness but Lucius stopped him.

“Control yourself, Vincent,” he hissed. “This is a public engagement.”

Vince wrenched his arm out of Lily's grasp and stormed off, leaving the group with a little less tension.

A long moment of silence passed. “Well,” Lucius said again, “I think we'll take our leave. Save me a dance, Miss Rookwood. And you as well, Miss…?”

“Evans,” Lily supplied quietly.

Lucius smiled slowly. “Ah, yes. A dance, if you will.”

He turned to leave, Narcissa at his side, but Bellatrix Black lingered. “Evans—that's a very Muggle name. I would watch who I tell that to if I were you.” She smiled nastily.

“Thank you for the thought,” Lily replied sweetly, turning away from the lovely woman and holding completely still until she felt Bellatrix's intimidating presence disappear.

“Well that was just great fun. Say thanks to your boyfriend for luring them over and hacking off Sirius, will you, Lily?” James turned to say something to Remus but Lily hit him in the arm.

“I'm not thanking him for storming off and leaving me to deal with his bloody brother and the rest of the pure-blood maniacs. Take your thanks and shove it up your arse.”

“You and Malfoy can go and discuss tactics of leaving when you find him. I suggest you start looking now. It's not as if you have anything else to do!” When she did not move, James made a shooing motion with his hands. “Go on. Scat! Go get laid! Leave again, already!”

“That was necessary. You shouldn't be mad at me. What would have happened if I'd stayed to say goodbye? Nothing good, I'm sure.”

“A lot of good would've happened,” James maintained vehemently. “Maybe we wouldn't be having this blasted argument right now if you'd stayed to say one bloody word to me. Just one. It's not that much to ask, Lily.”

“You really shouldn't care whether I tell you to fuck off or if I leave or whatever. It's none of your business. It shouldn't matter to you in the least,” Lily explained quickly. “You've got no right to act like I mean something to you when you truly shouldn't give a shite.”

“You know what? I obviously do give a shite. I give a big shite, alright? I told you that, and you threw it in my face. I know you're not that heartless—I've seen you at your best and your worst and when you used to be nice and kind before last year. You grew up. Prejudice was redefined and it applies to you. Boo hoo. Just because you're emotionally unstable doesn't mean you have to rip my heart out and then stomp on it with a bloody stiletto.” James drained his drink in one swift movement.

Lily, still trying to get over the shock that he knew what a stiletto was, tried to formulate a response. “You—shut up!”

And she stalked off, much like several other people had done that night.

……

Somehow she ended up complaining to Remus about what a git his friend was. Remus listened sympathetically and nodded along to the list of names she pinned on James.

“I hope you realize that James truly likes you,” Remus told her, his hands sliding over the sides of his dress robes. He grimaced as he realized it was a formal garment and that there were no outer pockets and let his hands hang down at his sides.

“So? He's not supposed to,” was Lily's response. “I don't care. It just complicates things.”

“Lily…”

“What?”

Remus paused thoughtfully staring off into space, his gaze on the Malfoys and Rebecca, who had joined them and was talking quite seriously with Lucius. He snapped to attention and smiled at Lily. “You know that you like James too, don't you? A lot—I can see it. I can…I know it.”

Lily snorted. “That's ridiculous.”

“No—no it isn't. I fancy that Rebecca girl a bit right now—I'm not afraid to admit it. And I'm not fighting it either.” Remus yawned. “Do you understand?”

“No,” Lily said flatly, groaning as Rebecca headed over towards them. She said a breathless hello just as Sirius came to greet them as well.

“What is this?” Lily asked. “`Gather Around Lily Night'?”

Sirius snorted. “Don't flatter yourself. I see you met my wonderful family. Charmed?”

“I'm sure,” Lily replied. “They're…wonderful.”

“How kind of you, Evans. You always did see the good in people.”

Lily shook her head and sighed, glancing around the room.

“He went upstairs to cool off. He'll be down in a minute.” Sirius smirked at her.

“Vince?” Lily asked innocently, deliberately misunderstanding his words.

“James,” Sirius corrected immediately. “James is upstairs. James is cooling off. Probably because you look so fucking hot tonight. What did you do to yourself? I'm getting a little excited just looking at you—and James has had you…he knows what's under that dress.”

“I'd slap you,” Lily drawled, “but it's too much energy to waste on you.”

“Shouldn't you be with your lovely boyfriend?” Peter asked, making Lily jump. She made a face at him.

“He's with his parents. I refuse to meet them. I'd much rather hide from him here.”

“Him being…Malfoy or James?” asked Peter with a slight smile. Lily glared at him and he turned away, giving her a chance to look at Vince, who was standing in between two men who had the same hair he did. Lily surmised that one was Tiberius Malfoy and the other was Antonin Dolohov, his real father.

“Vince,” Lily answered vaguely, before coming back to earth. “Oh—can we please get some air? I'm feeling a bit…”

Sirius grinned.

“Warm,” she said, changing it from `hot'. “I'm feeling a little warm.”

“There's a terrace over there,” Remus said, coming away from his conversation with Rebecca, who was peeking at Lucius Malfoy every so often and then back at Remus. She bit her lip and hesitated, then took Remus's offered arm as they began to walk outside. Lily threw a haphazard glance back at Lucius Malfoy as they left, noting the look of fury on his face as he watched Remus and Rebecca.

Sirius offered his arm with a mocking bow. “May I escort you?” he asked cordially.

Lily wrapped her arm through his and rested her palm on his lower arm. “Why is everything so formal here?” she asked. “Giving your arm to a girl and asking if you can escort them is a little old-fashioned, don't you think?”

Sirius shrugged as they fell into step with Peter, who had begun walking a little before them. “The Annual Holiday Ministry Ball has been held since the Ministry's initial inception. Only for the past ten or so years has it been consistently held here, at the Potters'. Most traditions still hold. At least they don't announce arrivals anymore. That was a nightmare. The pure-bloods are very formal as a stereotype, one that's actually true. We can't help it. It's the way we were brought up, and if you're friends with a pure-blood—like Remus and Peter, and even James, although his parents are Ministry employees so he's formal anyway—then you end up picking up some formal habits. It fits Remus well, doesn't it?”

Lily nodded. “It doesn't fit you, though, you dirty scoundrel.”

Sirius shrugged and unwrapped his arm from hers, holding the door to the terrace open for her.

“Alas. I am not who I was brought up to be.”

“Thank—you bastard, Sirius. You planned this! Can't you all just leave us alone?” Lily cried, pushing him to the side. James was sitting on a bench and he looked up quickly at the sound of her voice, so many expressions flying over his face in such quick succession than Lily could not identify a single one.

“I planned absolutely nothing, Lily,” Sirius said soberly, fighting a grin.

“You don't seem to understand that I'm not in the best position to choose—not right now. Vince holds all the cards—I've got to wait to actually do what I want,” Lily said, trying to knock some sort of common sense past the thickness of Sirius Black's skull.

Sirius shook his head as James stood. “James isn't entirely without a few good cards himself, Lily. And you've got the Ace of Spades—you haven't slept with Vince yet, have you?”

Lily stared at Sirius for almost a full ten seconds before shaking her head, sick of it all. “What does it really matter? Go away; I'm going to talk to James. It's inevitable, right?” She turned and began walking over to where James was standing with Remus, Rebecca, and Peter, but Sirius followed her. She hadn't the gumption to turn around and tell him to go away again.

“Lovely night, isn't it?” Remus asked cheerily as they approached.

“Extremely,” Sirius replied, clapping Lily on the shoulder.

“You're fucked in the head, James,” Lily suddenly said.

Sirius threw his hands up in the air. “Here we go….” he said quietly.

“Pardon?” James asked, his eyes widening.

“You just heard me. You're the one who came up with most of this stupid idea and here you are preaching to me about being a frigid bitch. You said it would mean nothing—I agreed. That's what we agreed. You even told me—bluntly—not to fall for you! You're not allowed to change your mind.” Lily crossed her arms over her chest and rubbed her arms; it was cold outside, even with the shields of warmth that had been put up.

“As if anything as stupid as the idea I came up with could mean nothing. You had to have known we'd have felt something for each other,” James reasoned angrily. “Fuck—Lily, you've known I've fancied you since fifth year—do you think for a second I wouldn't jump at the chance to shag you silly whenever I chose and pretend I was teaching you how? I'm a bloke—I think with the other head occasionally. Once you get sex you just keep on wanting it—”

“Oh, come on!” Lily cried.

“—and there's nothing that can stop you. I don't think you understand what it's like for a male—”

“You're the one who's `oh-so-experienced'. And I wasn't. So give it up—you knew more than I did—alright, accepted. Shut up about it already, will you?”

“No!” James yelled. “Just because I had had sex before doesn't mean that I take it lightly. That was a lie! It just all a bloody lie! I like you—a lot. And I knew that beforehand—”

Lily had stopped listening and had turned on Remus, who had let out a loud sound of disbelief as James made his first statement. She stepped up to him and poked him in the chest. “Just what is your problem? You keep on making these obnoxious and confusing little comments and I have no clue what you're on about—will you just tell me? I think there's little damage some new shocking information can do at this point. Everything's ruined as it is. Now what is so wrong with James and his amazing sex-life?”

Remus opened his mouth and hesitated, glancing at James, who looked truly confused.

“Well,” Remus began tentatively.

“No—” Sirius cut in suddenly, holding out a hand to stop Remus. James started and his mouth dropped open in horror, but it was too late.

“Before James shagged you—he was a virgin.”

……

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21. Chapter Twenty-One: Of Lies and Hatred

Title: Lust…or Love?
Author: Sarinileni
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. Not at all. In the slightest.

Mature Subject Matter
Chapter 21: Of Lies and Hatred
Date Begun: Monday, November 29, 2004
Date Finished: Tuesday, December 28, 2004
Date Posted: Monday, May 2, 2005

……

[Fall, by Something Corporate]

……

“You were a what?” Lily asked loudly, turning to James, whose mouth was hanging open.

“No—no I wasn't—” James glanced up and met her eyes; the guilt she saw made her stomach turn. The lies…

“Are YOU BLOODY KIDDING ME?” Lily yelled. “You—you were a bleeding virgin?”

James shook his head vigorously and Sirius did too.

“James—,” Remus cut in uneasily, but James whirled on his friend and pushed him hard in the shoulder.

“You've got no idea what you're talking about, so I would shut up if I were you,” James hissed.

“This is ridiculous,” Lily whispered, turning and walking down the steps of the terrace and out over the snowy backyard. A dim part of her mind marveled at the fact that they had reached the first floor terrace from a door in the cellar, but mostly she was concentrating on what a bastard James was and how snow was freezing her feet, encased in party shoes not meant for the cold.

“Lily!” James called, running after her. “Come on! Listen to me!”

She shook her head and kept on walking, biting her lip to keep from cursing at him. Lying about something like that was…unforgivable.

“I wasn't a virgin, okay? I didn't lie that badly. I wasn't.”

By now he had caught up to her with his longer legs and she whipped around, poking him in the chest, already knowing the answer the question that was bursting forth from her lips. “Who'd you lose it to?

James faltered and opened his mouth several times. “Um…”

“Who?” Lily insisted angrily, locking her eyes on his. He shook his head.

“Lily…”

By now, Sirius, Remus, Peter, and Rebecca had caught up to them and were gasping for breath.

“You owe me, James. You owe me big. Just tell me, please. I'm not even going to be angry—I just…want to know. I swear—I won't get hacked off.”

Lily suddenly remembered all the strange comments that had been made whenever the shagging that went on between her and James was brought up. Sirius muttered something, and Lily was about to turn to him when James said one, simple word.

“Catherine.”

The sound Lily's palm made when it connected with his cheek was so satisfying she almost smiled. As it was, she was hysterical enough to laugh slightly. “You bloody bastard,” was all she could manage. “You've lied so much…oh, fuck, James—you swore to me that you never slept with her. But you did, didn't you? She was your first…”

It was impossible for Lily to admit to herself the reason she was truly disappointed. For a split-second, the idea that she herself has been the first person James had had sex with was so…utterly nice. It was romantic. It made her feel…less cheap. He had something of hers that she could never get back, but she did not have that from him. She had never consciously acknowledged to herself that it bothered her.

It did. He had promised that he had never slept with Catherine, and despite the fact that Lily had said she did not care, she did care. She cared so much it hurt.

James had his hand on his flaming cheek but he took it away and tried to grab hers but Lily smacked his hand away. “Don't try to touch me now! Who else have you shagged? What else have you lied about?”

“No one. Nothing. I swear! I swear on my Mum's life.”

“Well then don't feel guilty when your mother dies, James,” Lily spat.

“He's telling the truth,” Sirius added in helpfully, but James cut him off angrily.

“Don't ever talk about my mum dying.”

Lily rolled her eyes and held out her hands in surrender. “I give up. Leave me alone,” she said tightly, turning and walking back toward the house. James and the rest did not follow, although James tried. Sirius stopped him.

“That was stupid,” Rebecca, who had been silent the entire time, remarked. Peter snorted.

“Good thing you never slept with Mary when she offered,” was all Sirius said, and James pushed shoved Sirius so hard that he stumbled backwards and almost fell over.

“Shut up, Sirius!” he yelled, red in the face. He was breathing hard. What had just happened? How could it be possible for everything to go as wrong as it just had? Nothing had ever been so messed up as it was now.

Remus, for one. James had never told him when he had started to shag Catherine, and since it had been during the summer (before his seventh year), there was no way Remus could ever have found out. James had never slept with anyone at Hogwarts—indeed, he had never slept with anyone else except Catherine and Lily, and he had only told Sirius when he had lost his virginity. It had been a sore spot between the two boys because Catherine and Sirius had had their fling for a week, but in the end, James slept with Catherine more times than Sirius did, and that was rather unacceptable.

Sirius accepted it, like the friend he was.

James looked up for just a moment and saw Remus, who was staring off into the woods, looking uncomfortable.

James had done that.

The plain truth was that James did not trust anyone as much as he trusted Sirius—and perhaps that fact had not been so obvious before, but it was now. Of course, it had always been known that when James got married Sirius would be his best man, and that Sirius would be the godfather of James's first child. But…the four boys had always shared everything else, and James had ruined that.

James vowed to have a talk with his friend, soon.

“You should…go talk to her,” Remus finally said, tearing his eyes away from the forest. “Or you'll ruin everything and you won't be able to fix it.”

James hesitated and looked at the faces surrounding him. Yes, Rebecca was not part of their group and seemed out of place, but he had the strangest idea that no matter what happened and no matter where she was, she would know what happened anyway. Rebecca caught his eye and discreetly took a step backwards and continued on, giving them privacy. James tore his gaze away and placed his eyes on Remus. “Don't worry,” he told the other boy quietly, “I already have.”

……

Inside, Lily immediately met up with Vince, who looked like he was coming to find her.

“Where have you been?” he snapped. “Who were you out there with?”

Just then, Rebecca appeared at the door, shaking snow from her shoes. She looked up and frowned when she saw Vince.

“Vince, leave her alone,” she said, almost tiredly. “We've been out there talking for a while.”

“Without cloaks?” Vince demanded. Lily bit her lip, too drained to make up a lie.

“Honestly, you berk. We're witches, aren't we? Capable ones. There are charms that can keep you warm.” Rebecca pushed her way past Vince and walked towards the table with the drinks. Lily stared out into the door and into the blackness of the sky, wondering where James….

She turned from the terrace and was dizzy because she knew the entrance was really upstairs, but she was seeing it at that level from the floor below. It hurt her head, as did the thoughts she was thinking. Many were about Rebecca, Vince, and his older brother.

How well did Rebecca and Vince know each other? They talked as if they had known each other for ages and she knew so much about his family, although Lily assumed that could be because of whatever relationship she had with Lucius Malfoy. Lily's first impression had been that Lucius had raped her…but after consideration, she knew it went deeper than that. Rebecca had almost seemed to…reciprocate Lucius's feelings. It was as if they had had a romantic relationship of some sort, and then had been forced to separate.

Lily wanted to know what had happened, if only to get her mind off whatever was happening with James.

“Lily?” Vince asked impatiently, and she realized he had been speaking to her for quite a while. She glanced at him and took in his flawless appearance and had to smile.

“Let's dance, Vince,” she said softly, taking his hand. He stared at her in disbelief but finally relented.

“I just said I've got to leave,” he grumbled. “But it doesn't matter—one dance won't do any harm. Then we're going. I'll take you home first.”

Lily shook her head as they began to dance. “I'm…staying at Rebecca's. My mother said it was alright.”

Vince sighed. “Then I'll take you to Rebecca's.”

“No,” Lily argued. “She might not want to leave.”

“Fine,” Vince snapped. “I don't care.”

“Good.”

The danced in tense silence until the song ended and the Vince pulled her into a corner, looking around before he kissed her deeply. Lily knew she was bright red because she felt the heat under her skin. Imagine the Potters seeing her kissing Vince Malfoy—of all people! And when they thought she was dating their son!

Vince pulled away and Lily was thankful that he had blocked everyone's view with his back to spare her any embarrassment, although he was probably being selfish and did not want to be seen with a Muggleborn in front of all the important Ministry officials.

“What time is it?” she asked after he had said goodbye.

Vince glanced at his watch. “It's a quarter past eleven.”

“You should stay until midnight,” Lily told him.

Vince rolled his eyes. “Lily, I've been coming to these bloody parties since I was six, and every single year we've left before midnight. Every single year. I'm not changing that now because you want a kiss at midnight.”

“Don't be so defensive,” Lily said irritably, sighing as he stepped away and kissed her cheek coolly.

“Bye, Lily. See you on the train.”

Lily made a face at his back as he left and then pushed herself off of the wall to make sure he curls were still in place. She had to use the loo, so she went upstairs and let herself into the room she had occupied when she had stayed there. She used the bathroom quickly, observing that her toothbrush was still on the sink. She made a note to come get it before she left.

She went back into the bedroom and frowned when she saw that everything was just the way she had left it—or, rather, the way James had probably left it when he had woken up. The bed was unmade and the sheets and blankets were hanging off the sides of the mattress, touching the floor. The books were all in disarray on the shelf and Lily had forgotten one of her bracelets on the night table. She picked it up and slipped it on, catching sight of her reflection in the mirror.

All the makeup in the world could not hide the fact that Lily felt like hell. It was not even her face—she saw in the mirror that even the way she was carrying herself bespoke of weariness. She turned from the mirror and peered at the bed, then looked in the mirror again. Something was nagging at her.

There—something was sticking out from under the bed. Lily darted forward and grabbed it, pulling it out and realizing it was a photograph album. It felt like ages ago that she had shoved this under the bed, but it was really only days. Lily took a deep breath and looked around, expecting someone (James, namely) to come in through the door and yell at her. No one did. She went back to the album.

She had already seen the first two pictures. One was of her; the other was of a bowl of treacle tart. Lily rolled her eyes at the marvel that was James and flipped the page.

Another of her, this time in second year, because Lily vividly remembered the year that she had angered Analise Radcliffe and she had sliced off a section of Lily's hair with her wand. Lily had her nose in a book and was sitting under a tree by the lake. As Lily watched, the lake rippled and an arm of the giant squid rose up, sinking back down and leaving the lake as smooth as it had been before. Lily flipped the page and she grew progressively before her eyes.

Every single picture was of her except for two. They grew more frequent in her sixth year—there were even some of her with Vince. Lily took in a deep breath when she saw one picture James obviously had not taken, for he was staring at Lily and Vince as if they were the slimiest creatures on the planet. It was when Lily turned the lat page that she really got a shock.

Saved in a flap on the back cover were dozens of pieces of parchment, which Lily surmised were notes James had passed with his friends. Lily took several out and began reading them, smiling occasionally when she saw something particularly funny. Lily flipped back through the book again and found the one picture of just James. She slid it out and tucked it into her stocking, wincing as it bit into her leg.

A sound outside the door made her slam the album shut and throw in under the bed. She straightened just as James walked in and slammed the door shut so hard it rattled its hinges. He caught sight of her and his eyes widened behind his glasses. He looked away from her and out the window.

“Get out,” he said in a low voice. When she did not move, he repeated himself, louder. “Get. Out.”

Lily tossed her head angrily. “No.”

“It's my house,” he snapped. “Get the fuck out of this room.”

Lily was up so fast she was dizzy. “It may be your house, James, but I've got as much right to be in here as you do, you—you liar.”

James scoffed. “So that's the best insult you can come up with? A liar? At least I'm not gullible and I don't jump to conclusions!”

“You don't—you don't jump to conclusions? All you've done is tell me how much I've betrayed Gryffindor and how much I'm like a Slytherin. For some reason you've come to the conclusion that I want to be a Slytherin because I'm dating one. You're wrong. I—I like being a Gryffindor—and you've got no grounds to think otherwise!”

James was pale, but he clenched his fists and shrugged. “I wasn't a virgin before I shagged you,” he bit out. “I'm telling the truth.”

“That I believe,” Lily hissed, “but you stood there and you—and you were touching me and you told me that you'd never slept with Catherine and that you weren't ever going to—and you did! You did! You flat out lied to me—”

“I thought you didn't care,” James interrupted.

“OF COURSE I CARE!” Lily yelled. “I CARE MORE THAN YOU THINK, JAMES POTTER!”

“I—I don't….” was all James could come up with. “Fuck, Lily,” he swore, “I hate you so much.”

“That's good, then, since you're apparently under the impression that I'm not worth enough to tell the truth!”

“Lily, you know that's not true.”

“Do I? How would you know?” She met his eyes and held them, challenging him to answer. He seemed to be searching himself and found nothing he could tell her. He stepped closer, his eyes on hers, and Lily had both the insane urge to run away and throw herself at him. Eventually, however (and of course), they stopped trying to stare each other down and ended up against the wall, and they weren't talking about much of the bleeding day, either.

……

Twenty minutes later, Lily and James frantically tried to compose themselves and return their appearances to what they were before they had shagged against Lily's former bedroom wall. Lily tried to fix her hair and managed well enough, but when she looked around for her earrings (they had flown off at some point) she could not find them. James handed them to her as he buttoned up his starched shirt.

Lily's hands were shaking so much from the aftershocks of her pleasure that she could hardly get the earrings through her earlobes. James gently took them from her and clasped one in each ear, his fingers lingering a little too long against her neck. He bent forward and pulled her backwards against him, pressing his lips in a light kiss on her throat.

Lily pulled herself away. “Oh, stop it, James. That just makes it worse.”

James smiled at her, as if amused. “Whatever you say, Lily.”

Lily looked at the mirror and caught his eyes in the reflection, holding his gaze for a long moment. Shagging him at this point was the worst thing she could do. She should not even be talking to him after the way he had lied to her. Lily stiffened at the reminder and saw James sigh, breaking their eye-lock and getting out of her way so she could leave the room.

He caught her arm before she opened the door and turned her face towards his so he could kiss her. “Just so you know,” he said, breaking the kiss, his voice warm and satisfied, “that was incredible. You're—really good at this.”

“Maybe I'll take it up as a profession,” Lily said acidly.

His grip on her arm tightened. “Merlin, no,” he said fervently. “I wouldn't ever let you.”

“I know you wouldn't,” Lily answered, but then she came to her senses and added, “But it's none of your business what I do.”

“That's okay,” James whispered, leaning in even closer and nuzzling her ear. “That's okay, as long as every once in a while I can touch you.”

“I,” Lily said, gently pulling out of his grasp, “really don't think that's a good idea.”

James sighed, backing away and opening the door. “After you, Lily,” was all said, letting her go through first. He followed her down the stairs. “You know,” he continued as they descended the sweeping staircase, off to the side a bit so they weren't the center of attention, “I think we should dance.”

“I don't,” Lily said flatly, feeling sick. “I don't want you to touch me again, you fuckwit.” She should not have let him near her after the way he had treated her. He had promised he had not done anything with Catherine—and he had lied, and Lily went and slept with him. She was starting to doubt her own willpower. She pulled away from him and went to find Rebecca, and after ten minutes of searching, she still had not spotted the other girl, but she was grateful he had gotten away from James. She really did not think it was a good idea for them to be near each other again.

“I do,” James asserted, coming out of nowhere and then grabbing her and pulling her out onto the dance floor amidst the other swirling couples. Lily was blinded by the flashes of light that bounced of the various jewels the guest were wearing, but as she and James settled into a slower turn, the flashes turned into faint glimmers that Lily only caught out of the corner of her eye now and again. The rustle of silk was all around them, audible even over the sound of the music. James's hand was warm and dangerously low on her back as he bent forward so his cheek was next to hers. Lily looked around nervously, seeing if any friends of the Malfoys were watching, but no one seemed to be paying attention.

James seemed to catch himself and he jerked away, suddenly keeping a respectable distance between them. She shot him a dazed and questioning look which he interpreted correctly and answered.

“Some Malfoy minion is always watching me,” he remarked bitterly. Lily caught a whiff of strong alcohol on his breath and sighed. While there had been the aftertaste of something illicit on his tongue when the kissed upstairs, it was nowhere near as strong as what she was smelling now. Somewhere between leaving her at the staircase and pulling her out to dance he had acquired something to drink.

His fingers on the small of her back dug into the fabric of her dress hard, but to Lily it felt pleasant and made her a little angry. The very last thing she needed was to forgive James when he had been such a bastard. His other hand was clasped in hers as they did a strange rendition of the waltz. There were no obscenely close slow dances at this party. When the music stopped Lily looked up, a bit addled from James's proximity. Everyone was silent and James stilled before he turned to look at the far wall, where everyone seemed to be staring. Lily gasped as Mr. Potter waved his wand and the most beautiful clock she had ever seen appeared. It had a shimmering stone for each position on the face and was carved with thousands of magical creatures which were inexplicably distinguishable even from the very back of the room. There was exactly one minute and thirty seconds left until midnight.

Lily turned to James and saw his friends materialize from behind him, along with Rebecca. They approached and each smiled at Lily and James.

“Happy birthday, Prongs,” the three boys said solemnly.

James glanced at the clock. “Oh, boys,” he said, sounding disappointed. “You're a full thirty seconds off this year.”

“We are NOT!” Sirius gasped. “We're right on time!”

James grinned. “I was only taking the mickey,” he confessed, holding his hands up. “But you're a half a minute late.”

There was a breakout of sound as the final thirty seconds approached. People were murmuring, but they did not count down the seconds until the New Year as Lily did at her house. They were much too cultured to do so, Lily supposed.

Sirius sighed dramatically. “Why, whoever shall I kiss come midnight?”

Lily backed away. “Don't look at me!” she said.

“Well, yes, you're James's,” Sirius said dismissively.

Lily laughed. “I think not! I'd rather kiss you.”

James yawned, again looking amused. “Whatever you say, Lily,” he repeated, and he pulled her closer, his face near hers. “Ten,” he whispered, his forehead pressed hard against Lily's.

“Nine,” she replied softly, trying to break away and feeling his hand on her thigh.

“Eight!” Peter said loudly, coughing, but Lily and James did not break their gaze.

“Seven…six…five…four…three,” continued Sirius, waving his hand in front of Lily and James with each number. Neither looked up until the final second approached, and just as James leaned in, Lily darted out of his arms and grabbed Remus, kissing him lightly on the mouth and then on the cheek. At the same moment, Sirius caught hold of Rebecca and bent her over almost backwards as he kissed her deeply.

“…ew…” Rebecca said in a small voice when Sirius righted her again. “Ew, ew, ew.”

“It wasn't that bad,” Sirius said, making a face.

“No,” Rebecca conceded, “but it definitely wasn't mind-blowing either!”

As this was occurring, Lily was pulling away from Remus and stepping back. He raised an eyebrow, glanced at her and then James, and smirked slightly. “Why, Lily! I never knew you were going to abandon Prongs for me!”

Lily made a face at him and glanced at James, whose face was impassive.

“Oh, admit it Lily!” James smiled as kissing couples everywhere pulled away from each other. `You prefer anyone to me.”

“Not just anyone,” Lily said half-heartedly, her head beginning to ache.

“Really?” James asked, a mock incredulous look on his face, although Lily could see the anger behind his eyes. “Perchance a certain blond-haired Slytherin?”

The strangest event occurred then, and Lily wanted to label it as a revelation, but she knew it really was not. Her stare was pinned on James and she closed her eyes, feeling too tired to deal with anything. He was standing there after he had broken his word (not that Lily wanted to be melodramatic, but he could have said nothing about Catherine and not lied) and still playing his stupid games so she would be confused about how he really felt.

What kind of person did that?

Did he really think that she did not care in the least? He knew she cared about him—she could see it in the way he looked at her so knowingly, and yet he still tried to act as if she was a monster.

She wasn't. She was only confused.

Lily swallowed hard and shrugged, opening her eyes. “I hate you,” she said hoarsely. He stared at her for a long moment, growing progressively angrier with each second.

“I hate you right back, you little bitch,” he finally snarled, and then he shoved her out of the way and walked over to his parents, leaving Lily glaring at the spot where he had been.

……

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22. Chapter Twenty-Two: Of Pride and Masochism

Title: Lust…or Love?
Author: Sarinileni
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. Not at all. In the slightest.

Mature Subject Matter
Chapter 22: Of Pride and Masochism
Date Begun: Wednesday, December 29, 2004
Date Finished: Saturday, January 08, 2005
Date Posted: Monday, May 2, 2005

……

[Gainsay, by The Starting Line]

……

Lily returned home for all of four days after the New Year's Eve Party before returning to King's Cross on Monday. She made sure to erase all traces of her presence before leaving the house so there would be no questions from her parents and she went to the train station with little fuss. She took only her trunk and had to remind herself not to do any magic—her house was not on a list of underage magic exceptions like James's was.

The train station was bustling as usual. Lily got out of the cab, threw some pounds at the driver, and lugged her trunk out behind her, taking a trolley and wheeling it towards the platform. A beggar pleaded with her for some money and Lily could not resist, she gave him some of her loose change. He grinned at her, no teeth showing, and Lily turned her face away. She felt a little better now that she had made someone's day brighter. Shaking the feeling off, she stopped outside the barrier that led to the platform and looked around to make sure no one was watching. A boy her age was leering at her and Lily waited until he glanced away before walking through the barrier.

The other side was full of students rushing to say goodbye to their parents and board the train. Lily, happy to be back in her world, levitated her trunk and got onto the train, finding a compartment for herself and wiping sweaty hands on her jeans, dreading seeing…well, anyone. James, Vince, Sirius, Remus…Peter too. She did want to speak to Rebecca, though.

She did not have long to wait. Rebecca poked her head into the compartment a moment after Lily fastened Vince's necklace around her neck. Rebecca frowned and then shrugged, shaking her head and walking in, taking a seat next to Lily after stowing her trunk next to one of the seats.

“Was the rest of your holiday nice?” Rebecca asked politely.

Lily shrugged, looking out the window.

Rebecca sat back in her seat and sighed. “Oh, dear. This is going to be a long ride.”

Lily sighed as well. “I'll go to find Vince at some point.” She sent a sly look Rebecca's way. “And then you can go find Remus.”

Rebecca raised an eyebrow. “I don't want anything heavy right now, Lily.”

“I know. I don't think Remus does either.”

“Is that wise?” Rebecca suddenly asked.

“What?”

“Finding Vince. I mean…if you he looks for you there's a chance he might not find you, so you could conceivably avoid him if you wanted to.”

“No,” Lily said as the whistle blew and the train began to move. “First—it's a seven hour train ride. He'd find me. Second—I don't have any reason to avoid him, do I?”

“There's James, for one.”

“James?” Lily asked incredulously. “He stated quite clearly that he hates my guts and wants nothing to do with me.”

Rebecca's strangely colored eyes locked on Lily's. “No,” she said in an eerily soft voice. “He responded to you saying you hated him. You don't pay very much attention, do you?”

“To what?”

“To anything, silly!”

“Rebecca—”

“Lily, after you went upstairs…Peter took James aside. And I have no clue what he said but it wasn't in your favor, because James got very angry and followed you upstairs. And then you came down together—you should have seen the look on Peter Pettigrew's face. It was like he wanted to kill you. That boy hates you. Not James.”

Lily snorted, not believing her. They were passing endless high-rise buildings now as they left the station.

“Merlin, Lily…and then you were just standing there with your eyes shut and you didn't see the way James got angrier and angrier…all his jokes and all his stupid pleased looks are just a front. He was furious with everyone because he knew he couldn't have you. Can't have you.”

Lily remembered his seemingly sudden outbursts from the day before. Perhaps they were not so sudden, but Peter was harmless—even Vince had said so.

“Bec, I don't feel like doing this right now.”

Rebecca wrinkled her nose. “Bec?”

Lily winced. “Yeah—sorry, Rebecca. I was too lazy to say your whole name.”

Rebecca opened her mouth to reply but they were interrupted by Vince, who looked in and snapped, “Lily! Where have you been?”

Lily looked at Vince as if he was mad. “Um…right here.”

Vince rolled his eyes. “Come on. I've found an empty compartment for us. Just past the nearest loo.”

He retreated and Lily bit her lip before getting up.

“Do you mind me asking a quick question?” Rebecca said quietly.

Lily, who was preoccupied with finding her wand on the floor, shook her head.

“I'm not telling you to break up with Vince, but…um…if you can have James, why don't you?”

Lily paused in her search and looked at Rebecca. “Well, I guess it's like you said. I feel like if I leave Vince for James, I'll be…well it'll set Vince off. He'll hate me and he'll hate James and…perhaps he'll hurt one of us.”

“What if you just…leave Vince? Without going to James,” Rebecca asked tentatively. Lily found her wand and stood up, brushing off the knees of her jeans.

“Then all of this would be for nothing. Me and James shagging and getting into this mess in the first place—there would be no point. And Vince makes me feel different—like I stand out.”

“It's not such a great thing, standing out,” remarked Rebecca, but Lily was already out the door.

……

She heard James's voice down rickety, narrow corridor but ignored it and walked in the opposite direction. Lily found Vince after looking at quite a few compartments on the car, and she was startled to realize that he had obscured the glass on the door somehow. She could not see through it. She shut the door after she walked in and steeled herself for what was about to come.

Vince was lounging across one of the conjoined seats, leaning against the window. Lily looked out at the rapidly moving countryside and felt a little dizzy, but she steadied her mind and put her wand down on the seat. His bright eyes trailed over her dark blue top and her tight jeans and Lily could not help the self-consciousness that set in. He cocked an eyebrow at her, and Vince's resemblance to James at that moment was so staggering Lily almost said his name.

She did not, thankfully, and she sat down across from Vince.

“Come here,” he said quietly, and Lily only went because he did not say it as an order, and he actually sounded affectionate. She settled on the edge of the seat and his arm went around her waist, and Lily was very glad he was being kind.

Shit, Lily thought. What's happened to me? I didn't need him to be nice before!

He lifted his left hand and trailed it down the side of her face, his fingers skimming over her neck and down to the dip between her collarbone, just above where her shirt began.

She, Lily was proud to say, could never be called a slut.

He touched the pendant he had given her for Christmas and smiled up at her. “Oh, good. You're wearing it.”

Lily managed a small smile at him and then leaned in to kiss him. His lips were cold but when he opened his mouth it was as hot as Lily's attic on a mid-August day. She pulled away after a long minute, despairing. She was feeling nothing. She felt nothing.

She ignored it and kissed him again, more desperate. His hands were suddenly inside her shirt and unhooking her bra, and Lily forced herself not to stiffen as he touched her breast.

He's not James. That's what's wrong, Lily knew with certainty. She broke away from Vince to breathe and put her head against his shoulder; she did stiffen when he started to unbutton her jeans.

“No,” she gasped. “No—Vince—don't—”

To his credit, he stopped and turned his head to the side so he could look at her. Lily could not read his eyes for any emotion. She did not try very hard anyway. “Why?” Lily heard the danger lurking in his voice and warned herself to tread carefully.

“Not here,” she told him earnestly. “A bed—I want a bed for our first time.”

“I'll make a bloody bed for us,” he told her, peeved.

“I dunno. It'll probably disappear halfway through,” Lily teased, and he cracked a smile. It was not an amused smile—it was an angry, cruel smile that he tried to make kind.

I. Want. James.

She squashed the thought and banished his voice and face from her mind, a bit of fear shooting through her as Vince's hands tightened on her waist. She locked eyes with him and was suddenly falling into their blue depths.

“Lily,” he said, “I want you.”

She nodded, unable to make her mouth say the same to him.

“Lily,” he said again, his voice like silk. “There's something else you could do for me.”

……

Half an hour later, Lily stumbled into the magically enlarged compartment for the Prefects' meeting and inwardly groaned. She was precisely two minutes early. James was already there, along with many of the new fifth year Prefects who were probably still afraid to be late. Lily avoided James's burning gaze as he stared at her and ladled some water into a glass. She drank it straight down and felt absolutely sick. She was ready to throw up.

She heard James scoff and did not look at him, instead staring out with window. She stayed still for a full ten minutes before calling the present Prefects to attention. Some were missing, but Lily proceeded without them. The longer she talked, the more she felt James's silent, accusatory gaze on her back, and the sicker she felt.

She concluded the meeting within half an hour. It was only after the last fifth year Ravenclaw Prefect had left the compartment that Lily swore, swallowing the lump in her throat and drinking more water. She had forgotten to assign some dimwits to take down the decorations around the castle. Now she would have to do it.

“You forgot—”

“I know,” she snapped at him. “I'll do it myself.”

“I'll help you,” James said quietly, and Lily wanted to scream at the sound of his voice.

“Good,” she said shortly, and then headed for the door.

“I heard you shagging Vince,” James said, halting her. She did not turn to face him. “I was walking by that compartment and I heard him….he must have really liked it….” He stopped talking and Lily bit her lip, finally turning around to face him.

His face was pained and he looked as sick as she felt.

“I…um…I don't hate you,” was all she could think of to say. James nodded.

“Okay.” He got up and came over to stand by her. “Okay.”

Lily backed away from him and he frowned.

“Listen, Lily,” he began, looking as if the words were being torn from his mouth with a sharp, pointed rake. “I want you to know that it's okay.”

“What's okay?” she asked, swallowing hard again.

“For you to shag Vince,” he explained, and Lily opened her mouth to tell him that she did not need his permission, but James held up one of his strong hands to cut her off. Lily wanted to feel that hand on her skin. “I don't mean it like that,” he continued, frustrated. “I meant…you know I like you more than I should, but don't worry about hurting me—because there's not much you could do to make this hurt worse…and…and I can take it. I'm a big boy. The whole point of you coming to my house was for you to…shag Malfoy.”

“I didn't shag him,” she said hoarsely, and then she cleared her throat. “Vince. I didn't want….”

“He didn't make you—”

“No!” Lily hastened to explain, envisioning James punching Vince in the face for hurting her. “I don't think…no.” She swallowed again and James leaned in for a kiss. Lily stumbled backwards. “You shouldn't—”

He looked rueful. “I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't. I just—” He stopped talking abruptly, studying her face. Quite suddenly his hands were wrapped around her upper arms and his eyes were angry again. “You….Lily….”

She tried to break away from his grip but he held her there, just inches away from her. She could kiss him if she didn't feel so dirty.

“You weren't made to be on your knees with your head between a bloke's legs, Lily,” James said furiously, shaking her. She still could not look at him. “Don't you have any pride?”

She nodded, gritting her teeth to prevent tears and resolutely staring at the floor.

“Then where is it, for fuck's sake? How could you—”

She shrugged to explain and he made an angry sound in his throat.

“That's not fair,” he whispered to her. “It's not fair—fuck.”

“Why not?” she said as a gasp.

“Lily, you shouldn't…you shouldn't ever give head to—”

Lily was able to gently pull away at this point. “Because you didn't get any from me—that's why it's not fair?”

She was not even angry. A twisted part of her mind was happy about the fact that James was jealous of Vince. She took a deep breath; she was shaking.

“Fuck—no,” James said. “No, no, no. God—no.”

“I get it,” Lily said. “I get it!”

“You don't, though,” James told her. “You really, really don't.”

Lily sat down. “Explain it to me,” she said quietly, happy to have an excuse to stay away from Vince.

James did not sit, but he did steady himself against the wall so as not to fall when the train occasionally lurched from side to side. His eyes were hot on Lily's and she loved the way it felt.

“I fancy you,” James said bluntly. “I fancy you a whole lot and I have for a while and—I never really stopped, did I? I mean, I've always wanted you. And suddenly—boom—I could have you. Do you have any idea how amazing that felt? I could take you anytime I wanted. I could talk to you or touch you or shag you any time I wanted, and it's hell now that I can't.” He ran his hands through his hair, rumpling it in the back in a way that Lily found, shockingly enough, pleased her. “What's it been? Just under a week? And I'm ready to kill myself from withdrawal.”

Lily twisted her hands in her lap and looked down. James did not move from his position.

“Because see, it's like this: this entire situation was just one big exercise in stupidity. I was the stupidest person alive to think you might actually prefer me over your bad boy Malfoy. I thought that perhaps—just fucking perhaps, you might think that the good bloke's the better one. But I guess not and I'm in a shitty mindset about it but who cares, Lily? Who cares? Because there's a bunch of people out there going and dying and working like mad just so all of us can be safe—and I don't need to worry about whether I'm in love with you or not because it's all moot, isn't it? You're with Malfoy, not me. It's a shame you're wasting yourself on him but—okay. Okay.”

“James—I want—”

“It doesn't matter what you want!” James said loudly. Lily winced. “Haven't you been listening, Lily? It's over—there's nothing left—”

“Yes, there is,” Lily interrupted, and James stopped dead, staring at her.

“What the—are you—what d'you mean?” He gripped the handrail so hard Lily could see his knuckles strain and whiten.

“I said…there is something left. Between us.”

James shook his head slowly, disbelievingly. Lily cleared her throat several times as she tried to work up the courage to say what she needed to say. “I…um…I've lied.”

James made an outraged, wild sound in the back of his throat, causing Lily to look up and meet his eyes. A jolt of heat went through her. “You—you mean so much, James. I can't even put it into understandable terms…you're so different from Vince in so many ways and they're all good…but the irony is that as soon as I realized I don't want Vince anymore, he wants me more than ever before. And I can't resist him—it's impossible but I don't know why. I just—I feel this pull for him and I have to make him happy—”

“You seem to be a masochist, Lily,” James said sarcastically. “You have a strange habit of shagging or giving head or whatnot and you're so unhappy about it, but you keep coming back for more. Or going back for more, I should say, since you aren't running to me anymore.”

“I wasn't unhappy about it with you,” Lily blurted, and James stopped for a second time, looking unsure about this new development. “God—James, you were just bluffing, weren't you? You talked about how you knew I fancied you back but you were just guessing—I'm such a fucking idiot!”

“No, you're not,” James sighed, finally taking a seat beside her. “You're not an idiot. I am. Me. Me. Me. There's…” James paused, “…nothing I can do if I don't know what you need.”

Lily nodded and then pressed her hand against his cheek, breathing erratically. She could not be completely sure, but she thought she wasn't the only one short of breath. She leaned in and tucked her head neatly against his shoulder; her forehead and cheek were flush against his warm skin. He arms went around his neck and she brought her legs up, curling into him. James held her tightly, his breath hot on her hair.

“I don't care about Vince,” she murmured. “I don't give a shit about him.”

She felt James nod.

“But…it wouldn't work out very well.”

She felt James stiffen and shrug.

“Why make things worse because we can't restrain ourselves? It would…raise so many terrible questions.”

James nodded again, his silence a heavy weight on her neck. She felt as if it would snap and could hardly breathe.

“It can be a secret,” he answered hoarsely.

“Too risky,” Lily said immediately.

“It'd be worth it, Lily,” he said emphatically. “Could you honestly say that we wouldn't work out? We fit together so well that it's ridiculous.” As if to prove this, he pulled her in tighter to his side, and indeed, she did fit in perfectly against him.

“Yeah,” Lily whispered, and that was all. She turned her face up and met his eyes. “But it wouldn't be worth it. Who knows what would happen, James? Vince…he hates you so much.”

“I can honestly say I hate him more,” James said, an edge to his voice. “Listen, I don't care what happens to me. Let Malfoy find out. Let him break up with you. Do something, or you're going to be stuck with him for the rest of the year, and I know you couldn't stand that. I know it. You can just…tell him. I'll tell him for you, if that's what you want.”

Lily could tell he was getting impatient with her resistance. For a brief instant, his face on New Year's Eve flashed before her eyes. I hate you right back, you little bitch, he had said, and he had meant it. Perhaps he regretted it, but oh, right at that moment, he had meant it. She, however, had not meant her words. The thought was absolutely staggering. Of all things that could have happened, she never would have thought that James would feel more hatred for her than she would feel for him. Then again, she was playing him like a yo-yo.

James's face was much closer and his lips were just about to touch hers when Lily suddenly heard a familiar tread outside the compartment. She wrenched herself away and stumbled over to the window, straightening her hair and snatching up a quill and some parchment. Vince walked in just as she sat and began writing down nonsense that had to do with the prefect's meeting.

“Are you done yet, Lily?” Vince asked impatiently.

“Almost,” she replied evenly, trying to slow down her beating heart. Oh, god, James was looking at her as if he wanted to kill her.

Vince sent a vicious look at James, who was still glaring at Lily and didn't notice. Lily swallowed, fear literally clogging her throat. Oh, don't say anything, James. Don't say anything!

“Got something to say, Potter?” Vince leered, and Lily's stomach plummeted so fast she was sure it would never come back.

“Should I have something to say to you?” James asked, his voice almost civil.

“Why are you staring at her?” asked Vince, stepping up and towering over the seated James.

With slow, careful deliberation, James stood up and Lily almost let out a hysterical giggle. Vince was fairly tall at just shy of six feet, but James was at least four or five inches taller. To be sure, James was thinner and lankier, and although his frame was slightly awkward, he carried himself with a grace that probably came from his Quidditch playing. Vince, on the other hand, was more muscled. They were so very different, these two boys, Lily mused as she watched in disbelief. There was really no way to tell who would win a physical fight, let alone a magical one. Vince knew the arcane Dark spells; Lily had seen him practicing before. She had always felt rather uneasy, but what could she do about it? She certainly could not tell anyone. James, Lily had discovered during one of their talks, knew all the arcane defense spells. His father had made sure he was very well taught in such areas, so the boys in front of her were very equally matched.

“Vince,” she said hesitantly, putting down the parchment and quill and standing shakily. “Please, don't…”

“Why not?” he spat, spinning to face her. “Give me one reason I shouldn't blast his face in!”

“Because you'll get into trouble,” Lily said evenly, crossing her arms and doing her best to stare Vince down. He sneered at her, his normally handsome face twisted in an unbecoming snarl.

“Get out, Potter,” Lily snapped, and James jostled Vince a little before leaving the compartment with a smirk directed at the white-haired boy.

“Bye, bastard-boy,” he said as he left. Lily gripped Vince's shirt to make sure he didn't attack James and pulled him back into the compartment.

“Don't let him get to you. If I let him get to me I would be ripping out my hair by now,” Lily advised, speaking the truth. Vince struggled out of her grasp.

“He needs a beating,” Vince hissed, a slightly fanatical gleam in his eyes. “A good, thorough flogging. That'll teach him to respect his betters.”

Lily clenched her fists. “I promised I would sit with Rebecca,” she said, wanting to get away from this crazy, uncontrollable Vince.

“Fine,” he bit out. “Go find her. I need to talk to someone anyways.”

He let her precede him out the door, and Lily felt his furious presence behind her all the way down the corridor.

……

The next day, after classes, Lily and James met in the Great Hall to take down all the decorations that had been missed by the volunteers. Frequently, the people who stayed during the Christmas Holidays volunteered to clean up the castle, but they only cleaned up the most visible decorations and left the rest to stay. It was the job of the Heads and Prefects to go around and clean up the remaining decorations. Lily and James knew about this because they had both done it themselves, not caring about the poor people who had to do the real work.

Lily hooked her hands behind her back to keep herself from touching him and gave him a tight smile. He looked her over and didn't say a word, somehow conveying with that one glance his disgust for her.

They began walking through the hallways in a tense, taut silence. Lily scanned one side of the corridor and James scanned the other. They went through three corridors before Lily spotted something and took it down. It was a green ribbon. She stared at it, not sure what to do with it, and then James took it from her hands—not gently, not angrily, but—just…taking. His fingers did brush against hers—how couldn't they?—yet Lily did not feel the romance-novel shock or tingle. There was just…an uncontrollable, ravaging sense of loneliness, because he was not supposed to touch her at all. He paused, his fingers inches from hers, and then he looked at her strangely.

He reached out and closed her fingers, because they were still outstretched as if they were still holding the ribbon. He did not touch her any longer than was necessary, and Lily wanted to scream at him: TOUCH ME, GODAMMIT!

“Accio empty box!”

In seconds, there was a zooming sound as the nearest empty box came flying towards them. It landed lightly on the ground, and James dropped the ribbon inside. Silently, Lily waved her wand at the box, and when they started walking, it lifted off the floor and floated behind them. They were silent for a long time and traversed the castle, working until dinnertime.

“Do you want to eat?” James asked, waving his wand at a stray bit of holly and letting fall into the box.

“No,” Lily answered quietly, watching the strangely graceful way he moved. She had never noticed it before.

James shrugged and turned back to her. He looked at her for a long moment, the torchlight reflecting of his glasses and making him look strangely demonic. He stepped forward and the light disappeared. Lily stayed where she was.

“You look lost,” he said, not quietly, not lovingly, just saying.

“I am, a little,” she admitted.

He showed a smile at her honesty and they continued. The moment had dispelled no tension whatsoever; if anything, it had increased it. Lily and James were moving briskly now. Only the corridors that were normally traveled were decorated, and they had finished over three-quarters of the ones they had to check.

It was Lily, not thinking, who pointed it out when they stopped under a sprig of mistletoe.

James raised one of those irritating eyebrows and cocked his head to the side, looking up and biting back a grin. Lily almost hit him he took a step closer, and then another. Lily stood her ground, shaky as it was.

“Want me to do something about it?” he asked, all smiles and silk.

Wide-eyed, she shook her head.

“Then why'd you tell me?” he said.

She shook her head again. He was only inches away and then he was right there, his body flush against hers in a way only he could manage. With all due gentleness, he pushed one of his legs between hers and slid the other into her robe, splaying his large hand over the small of her back and pressing her intimately against him. She yielded slightly as his other hand slid up her cheek and ran into her hair, brushing it back from the side of her head and coming to rest in the back, so he was cradling her head in his palm.

She tried not to smile but his lazy, devilish grin was so infectious that her mouth quirked a little at the corners. He saw and his eyes danced at her. She licked her lips and he leaned down, his light kiss starting a fire under her skin.

“Mmm….” he muttered against her mouth. “It's been a while.”

“Just five days,” she whispered. He was close enough to eat her words.

“Long time,” he said shortly, kissing her deeply this time. His tongue slid across her lower lip and she opened her mouth wider, placing her hands in his wild hair. She curled her fingers in and he shivered, pulling his hips back and forcing them against hers. Lily responded in kind and they stayed like that for almost a minute, kissing and rocking hard against one another.

Lily slowly came back to earth when she felt him try to push her back against a wall. The last thing she needed was to shag him against a wall again. The last time, her legs had ached for two days afterwards.

He let her pull away and did not protest when she stepped away until her back hit the wall. They stayed separated, eyes averted, breathing heavy. There was a deep, pooling ache between Lily's legs that was begging to be eased, but she was damned if was going to let James do that again. He did not try to take a step forward; neither did she.

“So,” James ventured. “Had a shag with Vince yet?”

Lily did not answer. “Why do you call him Vince and not Malfoy?”

James frowned. “I feel like…I know him, as disgusting as that is.”

Lily nodded. “No.”

He looked at her sharply, his first sign of anger and strong emotion that day, aside from the obvious kissing. “No, what?”

“No, I did not shag Vince. Yet,” she added, just to remind herself what the danger was with this boy.

“Why not?”

“Because—” Lily stopped; she had no words.

“Hmm?”

Was it her imagination, or was James getting angry?

“Because I didn't think I was ready.”

“Not ready?” James asked incredulously. “After all that hard work you weren't ready to sleep with him the very night you got back?”

“It was hard work alright,” Lily muttered. James let out a choke of laughter.

“Shut up,” he said good-naturedly. “No puns allowed. I get enough from Sirius—”

“Oh, Sirius,” Lily sighed. James laughed again.

“Oh, Lily, Lily, Lily,” he replied. “Just go get it over with!”

“What makes you think if I do it it'll be to get it over with, hmm?” Lily asked

“Because whatever it is that you want to think,” James said to her, turning and grabbing something for the wall, “you want to shag Vince about as much as I want to shag him, and the only reason,” he continued, “the sole reason, is because you don't want him to come kill me.”

Lily's thoughts stopped dead at that and shook her head fiercely. “That's—that is not true, James. I don't know why you would think that, but it's not true.”

“I wasn't sure,” he said contemplatively. “But I thought that was what you were hinting at in the compartment. Now I am sure.”

Lily's face burned at her stupidity and she bit her tongue hard, wishing to draw blood. She did not.

“That's actually rather insulting, Lily,” he said conversationally, crossing his arms and looking at her impassively. “I didn't know you thought so little of my defensive skills.”

“I don't,” Lily replied, unsure of what her exact feelings were.

“Then explain it to me, Lily,” he said, and she heard the resentment hidden in his controlled voice, “because I've lost a lot of sleep wondering about your motives, and this is the only explanation that made any sense, considering the stupidity you constantly seem to exercise!”

The Lily-before-sex-with-James would have replied angrily, but this Lily kept her comment inside and lifted her chin. “You seem to think you know what Vince is capable of,” she said. “You don't, really.”

Lily saw the muscles in James's jaw clench when he gritted his teeth. “I don't know what Malfoy's capable of?”

“I bet he's a lot worse than you think,” Lily answered.

James looked away. “Every year,” he began, “Vince Malfoy's family—if you can call it that—leaves my party before midnight. Do you know what they do?”

“No,” Lily replied, dread filling every pore she had.

“They perform a sick little ritual,” James spat. “Go on. Ask what kind.”

Lily licked her lips, this time not in anticipation, but in nervousness. “What—what kind?” she rasped.

“They kill somebody,” James said, shaking. “All the men—Lucius, Vince—once he turned fifteen, Tiberius the Elder, Tiberius the Younger when he was alive, before Arthur Weasley killed him—they go out, and their idea of fun is Avada Kedavra-ing some poor sod who gets in their way, and then—get this, it's hilarious—you'll love it—they go out and rape Muggle women.”

Lily sucked in a breath through her teeth and turned her head away, but James stepped forward and put his hands on either side of her face, forcing her to look at him. She tried to look away but he held her head straight almost violently.

“No, love,” he said harshly, the endearment sounding like a curse in his mouth. He spat it out in front of her, mocking her. “You listen to me, and you actually understand what I'm about to tell you. For you it's been this little game where you're different because you date the big bad Slytherin, but you don't get that you don't know him. You think you do, but you don't and it makes me so…so sick, because you're going to get so hurt. I can see it when he looks at you—he's using you—”

“For a year? He's been using me for a year? I know he hates un-pure blood—you think he'd dirty himself with me for an entire year if his purpose was to use me? And to use me for what, exactly?”

He shook her head hard enough to smack it lightly against the wall. “It doesn't matter right now. You know who he killed on New Year's Eve this time? You want to know?”

She shook her head, breathing deeply.

“Don't cry,” he ordered. “Keep your damn eyes dry. I'm not done. I don't care what you do, just don't cry.”

She nodded, silent.

“I'm going to tell you,” he warned.

She nodded again.

“Your boyfriend killed Lance Weasley, Arthur Weasley's oldest brother. Vince killed him, and you're going to sleep with that piece of shit?” James's voice was rising in pitch. Lily wanted him to be quieter, but she was afraid to ask. “Fuck it—fuck, fuck, FUCK!”

“S-stop,” she managed.

“NO!” he roared. “I WON'T!”

She pressed her hands flat against the wall to brace herself, afraid he would slam her head against the unforgiving stone. As if sensing this, he relaxed his hold.

“He's a bastard, and I mean that in the most figurative way possible. He's such a—he loves it. It makes him so, so happy to kill people. He gets some sick little pleasure from it. I bet if you checked his arm you'd find a Dark Mark there.”

“Dark Mark?” Lily asked, her voice surprisingly steady.

“Skull with a snake in its mouth,” James explained, looking very sick. “On his forearm. My parents don't know which one they—they put in on—the Death Eaters—oh, fuck, Lily. Why'd you have to choose him?”

She shrugged.

“That's all you can do?” he asked heatedly. “Shrug your shoulders? You don't know why you chose that fuck for a boyfriend? He kills people, Lily! Do you get that? You met Bill and Charlie and Percy—that's their goddamn uncle!”

Lily had nothing to say.

“Lily—how many women do you think Vince has shagged?”

She shrugged her shoulders again. He shook her hard, but he did not let her head hit the wall.

“How many?” he cried.

“At least ten,” she squeaked.

“Try at least fifteen!” James yelled.

“That's—that's not possible.”

“It is! You wanna know how many of those women slept with him by choice?”

“I don't want to,” she said loudly. “Don't tell me!”

“Not thirteen of them, Miss Lily,” James bellowed. “Thirteen of those women were raped, four a night every New Year's since he was fifteen, one when he was fourteen—at this school—and he got away with it. That's what you're sleeping with—that's what your giving it to—that fuck is what you're going to have inside you—THIRTEEN WOMEN, LILY—almost all of them Muggles—they had no way to protect themselves!”

“I—I do not believe you.”

James stopped instantly and stared at her, stepping away quickly, as if afraid to touch her. He clenched his fists, almost as if he was going to punch her, and he swallowed hard. “What?”

There was no way it was true. Lilt refused to believe that Vince was capable of something like that. She would never make such a bad choice. “I said, I don't believe you!”

James stepped back and looked at her as if he never seen her before in his life. “What did you just say to me?”

“I—”

“Do you seriously think I would lie to you?”

“I think you're jealous of Vince—and you don't—”

“I'd have to be as sick as him to make up something like this!” James growled.

Lily, normally so rational, was about to fly off the handle. James grabbed her wrists, sensing her intention, and he tightened his grip around them to the point of pain. “I'm jealous, alright,” he hissed in her face. “I'm jealous he's going to have an irrational, stupid, self-righteous whore in his bed tonight.”

“So go tell him and get rid of me!” Lily yelled, wrenching out of his grasp and darting past him.

“NO! Because then he bloody wins, and then you get raped and die!”

The sound of voices the echoed up from the Great Hall stopped them. Dinner had ended. James was breathing heavily; he banished the box and stared at her, his chest heaving with the effort of staying away. He turned and stomped down the hall. Lily stared after him, seething.

It could not be true.

She saw Vince's face in her mind. Oh, it could be true! That was the worst part!

Nonetheless, that night she found herself meeting Vince at the appointed time, and it was only when they were in bed that the panic hit, and she struggled against him so violently she bruised in his hands. Yet Vince did not notice, and he continued doing to her for the first time what James had done with her countless times, without the ending she was expecting. Lily lay there afterwards in Vince's arms and remained terrified, almost having yelled for James and consumed with fear.

To be sure, there was no escaping James, but there was no escaping Vince either, so what was she to do?

……

http://www.livejournal.com/userinfo.bml?user=thegreatbreak

Join the community, read the intros, introduce yourself—remember to FLOCK!...

Hello everyone,

I'm writing this message to everyone who asked why James is not a virgin (prior to Lily). Eep. I sound so formal. Ah, well. I shall continue as such.

I have heard many different responses to his sexual status.

Well, a lot of people say it would have been sweet if James had been a virgin and he and Lily had shared their first times together. A lot of people simply say that they understand why I made James a `non-virgin' (and I use this term loosely). Still others say that the fact that James was not a virgin was `a stroke of brilliance that'll help to create a lot of drama.'

To address the first point, which is my least favorite: yes, it would be incredibly fluffy and cute to make Lily be James's first and vice versa, but I'm not writing a fluff fic. I'm trying to develop the characters, and I'm also trying to be realistic in the process. Having James be a virgin and then having Lily be extremely happy about this does not fit in with this story. His level of experience did not allow for him to be a virgin, and although it would be very easy to have him be a virgin, I did not want that. Also, there are several points in the story where I gave hints that Remus did not know everything. I even stated as much. The point was to have it be a twist, so I put in clues for both sides.

Other people thought I wanted to create drama, but alas (that's the Dumbledore in me—there's a little Albus in all of us—coming out), my motivations were not like that. I may have claimed indecision before and said that I wasn't sure whether James would be a virgin or not, but I knew from the very beginning of this story that it was not in James's character to be a virgin. I don't care how hard it will be to write from now on, because James was not a virgin. That's how I see him. I'm glad I have dramatic material to work with now, but the same could be created if he were a virgin. He is human, he is a male, and—let's face it, my friends, he is eighteen years old.

And Catherine is—very hot. Plus, she has red hair, which reminds James of Lily. James's own motivations have not been entirely pure. There has to be a time in most girls' lives where they realize that there's that one bitch out there who's going to try to take everything away from you. That's who Catherine is. She is mainly a plot device. What can I say—I use characters shamelessly.

A lot of people asked why James lied about Catherine in the first place. James is very intuitive—he knew that Lily would be asking at some point whether he was involved with Catherine after Lily met her, and while he should have said he had slept with her, he wasn't…ready to let Lily know that. His judgment was already clouded with his feelings for Lily when he lied to her, and that's why he did it. He knew in his mind that Lily wasn't supposed to care who he slept with, but his heart (forgive me for being sappy, please) wouldn't let her think that low of him. He knows Lily instinctively hates Catherine, and he doesn't like himself for sleeping with someone she hates. That's how much James likes Lily. He likes her so much that he dislikes the people she dislikes. (This does not include Padfoot, Moony, and Wormtail because he knows the only reason Lily doesn't like them is because she hasn't spent time with them. It should also be explained that he cannot bring himself to like the people Lily does if he has something against them—like Vince Malfoy. This is partly because he knows what Vince is really like. Some rivalries can never be put aside).

Also, many people e-mailed me and some reviewed saying that James's mood swings were extreme. All I can tell is to read and then for the ficlet in James's point-of-view. Basically, I'm saying to be patient. All shall be explained. And—it was a twist, yes, but it will not be the focal part of the rest of the story. It doesn't come up in this chapter as much as it should, but Lily will definitely be bringing up James's deception several times in the near future. She is willing to let it go—at least on the surface.

To sum it all up, I think it would be clichéd, childish, unrealistic, and it would make the plot terribly flat if I were to make James a virgin. I'm not looking to make it sweet and beautiful at the moment. I think…when I think about James and how he is and how I want him to be, I see him as experienced in this particular story. I see him as sure of himself in his sexual skills and unsure of himself when it comes to actually having a relationship. I see him as a good guy who's in a bad situation, and he just made it worse by lying about Catherine. He cares about/likes/loves Lily and lot and he's not sure what to do, and that is part of the reason he's so bi-polar-ish in chapter 21.

I hope that explained it for you!

--Sarina (Sarinileni)

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23. Chapter Twenty-Three: Of Bruises and Sorry Boys

Title: Lust…or Love?
Author: Sarinileni
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. Not at all. In the slightest.

Mature Subject Matter
Chapter 23: Of Bruises and Sorry Boys
Date Begun: Saturday, January 08, 2005
Date Finished: Sunday, January 16, 2005
Date Posted: Monday, May 02, 2005

……

[Cheek to Cheek, by the Starting Line]

……

The next morning, Lily was sitting at Gryffindor table with Rebecca when she caught sight of James down the table. He held her gaze with a glare until Lily looked away, tugging down the sleeves of her robes and shifting uncomfortably. Needless to say, she was not feeling very comfortable in her own skin at the moment. She ached all over, even in her head. Sleeping with Vince had been the worst quick decision she had made in her life, but she knew that it was entirely necessary.

“Are you okay?” Rebecca asked, worry tainting her voice.

“Yes,” Lily replied, snapping back to reality. “Yes. I—I'm fine.” She glanced down at James again and saw him speaking to a red-headed girl she recognized as Millie Weasley. She was undoubtedly Bill Weasley's cousin.

“Are you listening to me?” Rebecca asked impatiently, still with an edge of anxiousness. Lily looked back at her and flushed, suddenly feeling bad that she was ignoring Rebecca so much.

“Sorry—I'm a bit…preoccupied.”

Rebecca smiled grimly, flicking a glance over at James. “Is that what they call it these days? It's a little more like blatantly staring at your ex-lover.”

“Shh!” Lily said immediately, looking around to make sure no one was in earshot. No one was paying attention. She and Rebecca sat in the subsequent silence for a full two minutes before they were interrupted.

“How are you this morning?” drawled Vince's voice. Lily whirled around and he took a seat next to her, shocking her. He drew looks of hatred from all the surrounding students and Lily quite suddenly felt more out of place than she ever had before. It did not help when Vince kissed her, not seeming to notice the way she was rigid against him. He pulled back and sighed. “Well. Not as welcoming as I'd hope. Did you…are you alright—from last night? I might have been a little too eager. But you seemed to like it.”

It looked like it pained him to actually say worried words to her, but Lily managed a small smile. “It was lovely,” she told him, brushing her hair behind her ears. Aside from the fact that she had not climaxed the night before and her nerves were totally shot (she could not, as James had suggested, do it herself—it never seemed to work properly), she was perfectly fine. Her bruises were only superficial and could be explained easily.

He was being untruthful about something, she decided, looking at him. There was a strange sense of something being off, something wrong. It did not disappear, even when she forced herself to think that Vince was really just being his normal, sketchy self.

“Good,” Vince said, and then he took her toast from her plate and meticulously began to eat it, somehow managing not to drop a crumb.

While he was not paying attention, Rebecca seized Lily's wrist and lifted her sleeve. Imprinted on her pale skin were five, finger-shaped bruises.

“What are those?” Rebecca hissed in Lily's ear, glaring at Vince, who remained oblivious.

“Nothing important. They don't even hurt.” Lily drew her arm away, pulled down the sleeve of her heavy robes, and skillfully avoided Rebecca's eyes.

Several people, whether they were curious or concerned, had asked her whether Vince abused her physically. The simple truth was that he did not—or, better put, he could not. Vince had been brought up in a household that was surrounded by rigid ideals and a deep sense of honor, even if that honor stemmed from a disgusting and prejudiced idea. Lily knew that he had been taught by his father to never, ever hit a woman, under any circumstances. This was one of the reasons Lily had so much trouble believing he could rape about thirteen girls in four years.

However, Lily knew that he had been taught to never hit a woman who was worth talking to, and he did not consider Muggles worth anything. This disturbed her and she stopped reflecting, worried that her mind would dredge up some idea that would make her do something stupid.

Vince had finished and was staring at her impatiently. Lily realized he had said her name several times. “Oh. Yes?”

He rolled his eyes. “Lily—pay attention.”

Rebecca snorted. Lily sighed and pushed some scrambled eggs around on her plate.

“I forgot to ask,” Lily said, interrupting him. “How did you spend the rest of New Year's?”

Vince stopped talking and met her eyes steadily, a slow smile taking over his face and a crazy glint in his eyes. Rebecca's breath caught and Lily slid her hand back to calm her friend down. This was something new, something Lily had never seen before. “I had a lot of fun,” Vince said smoothly, his eyes wide. Lily fought to keep her breathing normal.

“Um…I…well…Lance Weasley's dead!”

Something so pleased flashed in Vince's eyes at that moment that Lily felt like throwing up. Then it was gone and the guarded gaze was back. “Oh? Who told you that?”

“It was in the Prophet three days ago. They found his body in Berkshire,” Rebecca cut in quietly. “That's quite near your home, isn't it, Vince? You live near the border of Wiltshire and Berkshire, don't you?”

“Are you accusing me of something, Rebecca?” Vince asked, a grin on his face.

“Would I dare, Vince? I'm just saying…you might have seen something. Since you live so close. There might have been someone you recognized that might have killed him.”

“Might have been you,” Vince said airily. “After all, I heard the sounds from my brother's room that night—and Narcissa was most definitely not there. Were you in the area as well? I saw your brother that night.”

Rebecca flushed and Lily bit back a gasp of indignation. Rebecca gained her composure back and smiled. “Might you be calling me a whore, Vince? That's what it sounds like.”

“I would never,” Vince said, giving a little bow. “But you had best keep your pretty little clairvoyant head away from the subject of Lance Weasley. Who cares, anyway? The bastard deserved to die a worse death than he did!”

His words were audible all down the table and Lily winced as half of Gryffindor turned to look at the three of them in anger. Millie Weasley got up and walked past them out the hall, turning dead eyes on Lily as if to say, How could you kiss him? She disappeared through the doors and Lily stood up.

“That's enough, Vince. You don't talk about someone who's dead like that. Let's go.” She put her hands down on the table and stared into his face, then grabbed his wrist and pulled him out of the hall. She led him outside into the bitingly cold air and stood, shivering, her gaze fixed on him. “You can't say things like that, Vince. You need to stop.”

“No,” he said softly. “Because it's true. Do you know Camilla Weasley? She doesn't seem to like you, judging by the look she just gave you.”

“It's probably because I'm dating the bloke who just insulted her dead father,” Lily said, just realizing that Millie was a nickname and that Camilla was her real name.

“Who cares? Another will be born. The Weasleys breed like bloody rats. Come here.” He pulled Lily forward and kissed her deeply, ignoring her gasp of indignation. She was startled when he suddenly pulled away violently, and she almost fell forward when she saw James behind him, wrenching him back by the neck of his robes. A sound of protest escaped her mouth when James punched Vince right in the jaw. The cracking sound of bone breaking echoed in the frigid air.

“Stop—” she began, but she met James's rage filled gaze and fell quiet, stepping back to mutely let Vince get what he deserved. Vince was staggering backwards but he steadied himself against the castle wall and swung at James, who dodged the throw and stepped backwards. Vaguely, Lily saw blood on the snow, but she was too riveted on James and Vince to register what that meant. Vince managed to delivered a right hook to James's stomach and he doubled over, clutching at his belly and gasping for breath. In a move too fast for Lily to follow, Vince chopped down with his hand at the back of James's neck, but James darted out of the way just in time.

Christ, Lily thought, so startled she went back to her old faith. He was going to break James's neck.

“You sick little bastard,” James gasped. “Take that shit you just said back—right now.”

Vince stood implacably, his stance ready for another hit. “No, Potter.”

Lily started to step forward but the look James shot at her was filled with such venom that she halted, unable to do anything but stare. “This isn't right,” she tried, but James cut her off.

“Nothing's right at the moment,” James hissed, and then he whirled, running forward and ramming his head into Vince's stomach. Vince, for all his readiness, fell to the ground with James on top of him, bucking to get the taller boy off of him. Again, Lily stepped forward to separate them, but this time sheer fear of being beaten to death by the brawling boys made her back up even further.

“Apologize!” James panted, pinning Vince's arms down to the ground. Their robes were damp and covered in snow, tangling in their legs and arms James held Vince down and Vince tried to get out from underneath him. Lily could see the muscles in both boys' arms straining as they fought against each other.

“NO!” Vince bellowed, finally overpowering James and shoving him off him. He tackled James to the ground and they grappled with each other for a hold on the other. Lily lost control of who was hitting whom, but quite suddenly, they were on their feet and Vince had his dark wand pointed at James.

“You move one step,” Vince said softly, “and I'll blow your fucking brains out.”

Shakily, Lily, who was still much unnoticed by the two boys, drew her own wand. She took a tentative step forward and then another when neither noticed her.

“If you ever talk about one of those poor people you killed again in front of me, I'll blow your brains out, Malfoy,” James said in reply, his hands inching to his pocket. Vince noticed and his wand arm tensed. “Ah ah ah,” James said quietly, still breathless. “I wouldn't curse me if I were you.”

“I'll curse you all I bloody want,” Vince answered.

“You better not,” James stated firmly, or as firmly as he could without the ability to breathe properly. “You're going to go into the bleeding castle and formally apologize to Miss Weasley, or I'm going to have to take action as Head Boy. It's not like Evans over there will do her duty and make you stop.”

Lily bristled and took another step forward. This time, she got so close both boys noticed her.

“Go away, Lily,” Vince said, his eyes gleaming with a maniacal light.

“No,” Lily said. “You're going to kill him, and that'll be stupid.”

Almost as if she were watching from a different viewpoint, Lily saw Vince's arm tensing as he prepared to cast a nasty curse on James. At the same time, James pulled his arm back to slam Vince with his fist. Lily grabbed Vince's arm and shoved it down to stop him from cursing James, but James threw his punch and nailed Lily dead-on. He had been aiming for Vince's chest, but he hit Lily's shoulder instead

While Lily was not a delicate girl, she most certainly was not strong enough to withstand a punch from a boy who had been playing Quidditch as a Chaser much of his life. Her left arm dropped, useless for the moment, and a searing pain settled in her shoulder. She stumbled backwards and caught sight of James's horrified, panic-stricken face.

A tiny moan escaped her lips as Vince froze, shocked, before coming to life. He raised his wand and screamed something at James, but James had already rushed forward and pressed his fingers against Lily's shoulder.

“I'm sorry,” he managed, his hands shaking so badly he could hardly find purchase against her robes. “Damn it—I'm so sorry.”

Lily pressed her lips in a tight line and tried not to cry out in pain when he explored her injured arm with his fingers. “I think it's broken,” she said tersely, but he shook his head.

“No—it'll be fine with some magic from Madame Pomfrey. Shit—I'm sorry—”

Vince pulled James away by the upper arm, and the pain worsened at the suddenness of the pressure-change. Lily grabbed her shoulder and breathed through her nose. James had managed to hit her right on one of her bruises from the previous night; Lily bruised very easily, and she shuddered to think what her shoulder would look like in a few hours' time.

“Fuck it—Malfoy, I just hit a bloody girl,” James said, a high, hysterical note in his voice. “Let me bloody take care of it—it's my fault!”

“Don't touch her,” Vince growled, raising his wand. James gave Lily an exasperated look that she caught only out of the corner of her eye. She was too busy taking off her robe and unbuttoning the first few buttons of her shirt. It was nothing either boy had seen before, she reasoned to herself, pushing her shirt to the side and examining the back of her shoulder. The bruise was huge and dark purple, covering several of the finger-shaped bruises Vince had given her the previous night. Both boys—even Vince—winced when they saw the result of James's blow. Not looking at either, Lily leaned down and scooped up some snow, taking it in her frozen fingers and holding a large amount to the bruised skin.

James leaned closer, his brow furrowed. Lily saw his gaze fix on one of the worse bruises from Vince that was still visible. Lily shook her head the slightest bit and James curled his fingers into his palms, pressing his mouth shut and looking away.

“I'm going to go to the hospital wing,” she announced. “Are you going to stay here and fight like little boys or are you going to go to lessons?”

Neither answered her and she rolled her eyes, walking the three feet or so to the front doors and slipping inside. She realized she had forgotten her robe outside and she decided against going to get it. She was afraid of what she might see.

Lily walked through the hall and attracted many strange looks for her appearance. The snow had long since melted in her hand and there was a wet patch on her shirt, which was buttoned wrong. She had no robes—and she was the Head Girl. Lily could only imagine what they thought she might have been doing, and with whom.

The hospital wing was empty when she entered and Madame Pomfrey immediately came to her. She hissed in sympathy when she saw Lily's bruises and asked no questions, although her disapproving look said everything. She muttered under her breath about irresponsibility and she tapped her wand on the bruise and then smeared on some ointment.

“It'll be sore, since you bruise so easily,” the nurse explained. “It'll also be a little red as well.”

Lily nodded absently and sat as the ointment did its work for fifteen minutes. Madame Pomfrey washed the sticky purple ointment off with warm water and then returned Lily's shirt, which was quite suddenly clean and pressed. Lily slid it on and winced at the soreness in her shoulder when she moved. She buttoned it quickly and paused.

“Do you think it would be alright if I stayed here for a little while? I think I had a reaction to the spell—I'm very tired all of a sudden.”

Madame Pomfrey fairly burst with pride that someone wanted to stay in the hospital wing and bustled around, preparing a bed for Lily as she sat and stared out the window at the white sky. Lily got into the bed and laid back against the pillows, looking up at the ceiling and listening to the sound of Madame Pomfrey's shoes as she retreated to her office.

Lily did not think she would ever forget the feeling of James hitting her.

She ran the pads of her fingers over her sore shoulder and frowned, thinking hard. No one had ever hit her before—ever in her life. Of course, her mother had smacked her from time to time, but it was only in a disciplinary fashion and Lily understood that. No boy—Vince included, had ever laid a hand on her in such a manner before.

At least, Lily thought, he didn't mean to do it.

He had not meant to do it, Lily enforced. He did not mean to hit me. His sickened face afterwards told her that much. Lily reversed their positions for a moment. If she was a boy like James and she had hit a girl, she would want to punish herself like a house elf.

Lily had been thinking about what James had said quite a bit. She had wondered endlessly whether Vince was just using her to an end she did not foresee, but if he was, then his reaction was rather strange. He should not have cared whether James hurt her or not, but he…had. He had cared.

No, Lily realized. It was not that Vince had cared. He just did not like James touching Lily, whom he thought of as property. That was an extremely disturbing thought.

The sound of quick footsteps startled her out of her reverie. The nurse was rushing out of the wing and Lily let a small, dry smile touch her lips. “That'll be James and Vince,” she said to the empty air after the door shut, and settled back so she could pretend to sleep.

Just the fact that she was smiling when she was deeply distressed made her wary, cautious of the way she was growing so jaded. Lily had never come to Hogwarts expecting to lose her innocence quite the way she had. She remembered herself as an eleven-year-old girl who was still wide-eyed with the love of doting parents. She still had that love, but the feeling of hopelessness remained.

Lily did not want to feel hopeless. Perhaps for the past year—ever since she had begun dating Vince—she had expected herself to be as cynical as him. Lily missed herself when she was fifteen years old, when she had never compromised her pride and beliefs for anything.

What had she become? How had she sunk so low? If Lily was to be honest with herself, she could safely say that she did not give a damn about Vince. She truly wished he would go away and leave her be, simply so she could have James.

Yes, she wanted James.

An ache was building in her throat. It felt like she was going to cry, but Lily knew with certainty that she would not. Her tears were blocked; she had cried herself out during her time with James. She wanted to be sixteen again. She wanted it to be late December of her sixth year, and she wanted to say `no' when Vince Malfoy asked her out. She wanted to change things—she wanted to say yes to James, to have been able to kiss him for an extra year. The weight of morbidity and death was pressing down on her chest; of course there was only so much time left. People were dying left and right, boys were fighting over horrid comments about dead people. Lily wanted her world to be simple.

Lily wanted a friend she could talk to right at that moment. She wanted to vent, wanted to cry, and wanted to be eleven and young and fresh and yes—she wanted so badly to be naïve. It was her heart's desire at the moment. Lily wanted to be naïve, she wanted someone else to make her choices, she wanted to hold on to the essence of childhood.

“Shh—you're going to wake her!”

Lily gasped and sat up, looking around and seeing nobody. Now that she had heard a voice, the presence in the room was so obvious she wondered why she had not noticed earlier.

“Who's there?” she demanded, peering into the corners and seeing nothing..

Suddenly, shimmering folds of something appeared near the foot of her and Remus Lupin and Sirius Black appeared before her eyes. Lily stared with wide eyes at the cloak in their hands and both shrugged.

“It's James's,” they said in unison, taking chairs on opposite sides of her bed.

“What're you doing here?” Lily asked, staring at her hands and not telling them she already knew about the cloak they were holding. She thought she heard a strange sigh from Remus but when she looked up he had an eyebrow raised and was staring right at her. Sirius chuckled.

“We can't visit our best friend's—girlfriend?”

“I'm not James's girlfriend,” Lily muttered.

Sirius waved a hand to dismiss her comment. “Girlfriend, schmirlfriend. Either way, you've been shagging and you both want to be together—dunno how that works but you make it work. Where is James, by the way?”

Lily coughed uneasily. “Er…last I checked he was about ready to introduce his right fist to Vince's chest.”

Remus choked on his laughter and Sirius frowned. “Oh, dear. That could be a problem. Did you just decide to leave them to it, then? Came up here to sleep?”

Lily rolled her eyes, knowing she could never tell the truth. “I slipped and banged my arm against a rock so I came up here and left them. If they want to act like ten-year-olds that's fine with me.”

Sirius snorted and sat back in his chair, crossing his legs. “Oh, Lily. You're so prickly. Do you honestly think James—James!—could let Malfoy off without even a slap on the wrist for all that shit he said about Millie's dad? Lance Weasley—I've heard about him. He's—sorry, he was a great person. James's parents know the Weasleys very well and even though James himself only knows them slightly, he still can't stand anyone talking like that. Especially Malfoy.”

Lily sighed. “I know.”

“Banged your arm on a rock, Lily?” Remus asked suddenly, turning away from the window to look at her.

“Yes,” Lily said apprehensively.

“Dunno—there aren't many rocks around since there's about a foot and a half of snow on the ground. Where are your robes?”

Lily laughed nervously. “You sure do ask a lot of questions,” she said to Remus, twisting her fingers in her lap.

“I've got this talent. I can smell that lie on you. Why really happened?” Remus paused and he and Sirius locked eyes across the bed, then turned to Lily, their faces masked in awkwardness.

Sirius hesitantly said, “Malfoy didn't….”

“No.” Lily rolled her eyes. “Honestly. Everyone seems to think I'm some miserable little girl who just keeps going back for more to an abusive boyfriend. I'm not.”

Relieved, Sirius inspected his nails and looked like he was trying not to smile. “James wouldn't love you like he does if you were like that.”

Lily made a sound of disbelief and shook her head, flopping back against the pillows. “You never know. James isn't like any person I've ever fucking met. He's—” Lily stopped talking and shrugged, unable to find any word good enough to describe James. There was a heavy, tense silence as the three of them contemplated just what those words meant.

Remus finally cleared his throat. “So—ah—do you think James and Malfoy are done pounding the shit out of each other?”

Lily was desperately relieved that they had forgotten about her absolute lie about falling into a rock. As if on cue, the door flew open and Madame Pomfrey walked in, screeching, a stretcher levitating behind her carrying Vince and James by her side, limping.

Lily's breath hitched in her throat and she gripped the sheets as James stared at her, his right eye black and blue, his lip split and bleeding, his hair a mess of snow and blood. He was cradling his right hand to his chest and everywhere Lily looked, she saw blood.

“Mate….” Sirius breathed, his eyes incredulous. None of them had been expecting it to be that bad. “What'd you…how'd…Merlin and Agrippa—”

James clutched his side. “Bastard broke three of my ribs,” he wheezed, sitting down carefully as Madame Pomfrey's shrill voice rose and fell like a brash symphony.

“…never, in all my years have I see such irresponsibility and childishness! You should be ashamed of yourself, Mr. Potter! You've been in here before but this is even worse than last year's incident…!”

James, Sirius, and Remus exchanged furtive, dark looks before averting their eyes from each other.

Lily had avoided looking at Vince, but when Madame Pomfrey set him on the bed next to her she had to look. He looked almost as bad as James. His white hair was stained red in some places and his pale white skin contrasted sharply with the darkness of his blood. Lily took a deep breath and looked away. James was across from her staring at the floor. Every breath he took was accompanied by a pained rattle that made Lily wince in sympathy.

“You just wait until I tell the Headmaster about this! You boys should be studying, not brawling on the grounds like alcoholics who drink their mornings away!”

“Oy vey,” Sirius muttered, rolling his eyes and the nurse began performing a series of quick spells over Vince's prostate form. Lily stared at her sheets, at her hands, the wall, the few split ends in her hair—anywhere but at James, Sirius, Remus, or Vince.

“If we have to pay to send him to St. Mungo's you'd best expect a harsh report from me, Mr. Potter! Stop breathing so deeply or you're going to puncture a lung!”

“Might have already done that,” James whispered tightly. “Could I please be sick?”

“No, you may not!” the nurse cried. “Sit still! Don't move an inch or I'll write to your parents myself!”

James went so pale Lily thought he was about to keel over and die right there. Madame Pomfrey spent ten more minutes over Vince before walking briskly over to James and cutting his shirt off with a sharp pair of scissors she had in her basket. James winced as she pulled his sleeves off his arms and pressed lightly on his side. He bit his split lip so hard it started bleeding again as the nurse handed him a vial of potion. He drank it down and swallowed grimly, looking almost like he wanted to gag.

“Serves you right,” Madame Pomfrey said self-righteously. She turned and caught sight of Sirius and Remus on either side of Lily's bed. For the briefest moment her mouth opened in speechless surprise, but she soon gained her voice back. “OUT!” she shrieked. “Out—out—out! Miss Evans needs rest—out!”

Sirius and Remus stood and grabbed the cloak. “Er—we'll see you, Lily,” Remus said. “And—of course, you James. Since we live with you. Erm….”

Sirius grabbed his arm and, with a last look at Lily, dragged Remus out of the wing. When Lily looked up, Madame Pomfrey was advancing with a potion. “Drink this,” she ordered. Lily was about to protest when she saw the look of steel on the nurse's face. Obediently, she drank it down. Immediately, her eyelids grew heavy and the world started to spin. Her last conscious thought was of James, clutching at his side and staring at her.

……

She woke to the irritating feel of someone shaking her from deep slumber. The last vestiges of sleep slipped reluctantly from her mind, relinquishing their hold as she turned over and saw James's face, devoid of his glasses, above hers. Most people's eyes looked smaller when they took their glasses off but James's were even larger. He was breathing heavily as he stared down at her and Lily sat up. Her shoulder felt much better, and she hoped it would stay that way.

With a quick glance at Vince to make sure he was still asleep, Lily looked up at James. “James—what's wrong?”

“I'm sorry,” he said immediately, his voice a cracked whisper that sounded painful to hear. “I'm so, so, so sorry.”

“Don't worry about it,” Lily said, her stomach twisting into knots as she felt him lean entirely against the bed. His eye was mostly healed and the color had gone, but he looked as tired as Lily's mother after two days without sleep. Lily looked at the distance from her bed to his and noted the way his hand was pressed tightly against his side. “Should you be out of bed?”

“I'm guessing not, considering how my ribs hurt like a bitch right now,” James answered, sitting on her mattress.

Again, Lily shot a fearful look towards Vince, but he did not stir. “What…what happened after I left?”

James looked down. “I went at him,” he said. “Shit, Lily—you keep on saying he doesn't hit you…but then what were those bruises on your arm?”

Lily looked up at the ceiling and shrugged. “Nothing too bad, James. It's not the way it looks. Really. Last night…I don't think he even realized…”

She expected him to be angry or hurt that she had finally slept with Vince, but he just looked and her levelly before sighing and turning his gaze out the window.

“Oh. I thought for a second—well, I went mad, I guess. I hurt him worse than he hurt me, but he was on top of me for a second and it was—Merlin, Lily, he's crazy. You should have seen the look in his eyes. It was like bloodlust.” James coughed and winced, reaching out a hand and brushing it over her shoulder. She was still in her button down school shirt and he hesitated before unbuttoning the first few buttons and pushing her shirt to the side. He bent down and kissed the red skin on her shoulder, breathing hot, moist air onto her flesh. Lily's eyes fluttered shut and she told herself to pull away; she did not, too overcome by the renewed, raging desire that had not been satisfied last night.

His lips traveled up her neck and he stopped kissing her, his mouth stayed against the spot behind her earlobe. “I'm—”

“I know,” Lily interrupted. Vince made a sound in his sleep and they both turned, sucking in sharp breaths and waiting. He did not wake. “Go back to your bed,” Lily sighed.

James nodded into her shoulder and kissed it again. Lily wondered whether he would have a fixation with her shoulder for the rest of their lives. “Go on,” she murmured, stroking his hair. He pulled away gently and smiled.

“I'm stupid,” he said, his voice utterly self-deprecating.

“No, you're not,” Lily corrected. “You're just unlucky. Me, as well.”

“At least that's one way we're together,” James quipped, struggling to stand. He managed and slowly walked back to his bed, his slipper-clad feet making a shushing sound on the stone flags. Lily ran her fingers over her shoulder as he walked, still feeling his hot breath on her skin. She shivered and settled back against her pillows, glancing out of the window. Night was upon them, cloudy and ready to burst. Lily had no doubt they would have snow the next morning.

A thought occurred to her. “James?” she called out in a stage whisper.

“Yeah?”

She did not turn her head from the window. “Was there blood on the snow when you left?”

He was silent for a long moment. Then, “Yes.”

Lily strained to see outside, almost as if she could see the red on the white. She shook her head, closed her eyes, and went to sleep.

……

Lily was out of the hospital wing by noon the next day. She really had no reason to be in there in the first place and she could think of no excuse to stay. Vince was awake when she left and she kissed him very lightly before she went. James, on the other hand, was sleeping fitfully. Lily bit her lip on her way out and tried not to look back at him, hoping he wouldn't say something incriminating in front of Vince.

They had been thrown back in preparation for their N.E.W.Ts with a vengeance and Lily already had three assignments late. She ran around frantically asking for extensions, wondering how James and Vince were going to keep up. She decided not to think of either boy and did her work diligently, concentrating so hard her head began to hurt again.

Vince and James were out of the hospital wing by dinner. Lily sent a secretive smile at James, which he returned before returning to his conversation with Sirius, Remus, and Peter. In turn, Lily began talking to Rebecca.

By a strange twist of fate, or perhaps on purpose, Lily, James, and Vince all left the Great Hall at the same time. Sirius, Remus, and Peter were just two steps behind as Vince and James both paused.

“I haven't forgotten that you still need to get what you deserve, Potter,” Vince said, his voice low.

“Go shag your cousin or something,” James retorted, pushing past with his friends. He brushed against Lily and her nerves jumped, but she kept her face blank.

Vince gripped Lily's wrist and began pulling her down a hallway. “Where are we going?” she demanded, trying to dig her heels into the stone floor to halt their progress. It did not work.

“The owlery,” he growled.

“Why?” she asked her voice still belligerent. “I've got tons of homework, Vince. We are not—”

“We're not shagging in the owlery,” Vince griped. “I need to send a letter to my brother.”

“What for?” Lily asked, her voice rising to an intolerable pitch. The bottom of her stomach was gone.

Vince laughed grimly, horrifying her. “You'll see tomorrow.”

They reached the airy room and Lily stood, shivering. She was not dressed for the glassless room. Vince was taking parchment, quill, and ink from the generic supply stacks in the corner of the room. Looking at the mess, the rational part of Lily's mind filed the information away to bring up at the next Prefect's meeting.

Vince quickly wrote a letter, his quill slashing at the parchment in an angry fashion. Lily watched him, wondering what on earth he could be doing. Looking at the mad expression on his face, she decided she did not want to risk it. She shivered again.

Vince performed a drying charm on the ink and rolled up the parchment, whistling for his eagle-owl. Lucifer landed on his arm with a muffled thump, casting a cruel eye on Lily. Lily glared right back. She had seen Vince's owl (named for the devil) tear apart mice while they were still living and then leave them, not even consuming his kill. Vince attached the letter to the owl and whispered something in his ear. He threw Lucifer into the night and the bird took flight, his wings wheeling against the sky in a whirlwind of black and brown feathers.

“Vince, what've you just done?” Lily asked him, her voice quiet.

“Something I should've done a long time ago,” he hissed, turning to her. “And if you tell anyone I just did that—you don't want to know what I'll do.”

Lily swallowed hard and nodded, vowing to tell James what she had just seen.

Somehow, Lily made it back to Gryffindor Tower and got her books from her dorm so she could do her homework in the common room. She spread them out on a table and tried to work, but she looked up every minute or so to see whether James had appeared. She did not see him for a long time and was about to return upstairs when Rebecca came down from the dorms and stood by Lily's table, just staring at her.

“What's wrong?” Lily asked, frowning and shutting her Potions book.

“Have you seen James?” Rebecca asked, her voice low. Her hair was mussed and her clothes were wrinkled; she looked thoroughly bedraggled.

“No, I haven't,” Lily answered. “Are you alright?”

Rebecca did not answer in any way. She looked at the fire across the room. “I want to see James.”

“What for?” Lily asked suspiciously.

Rebecca turned back to Lily but did not get a chance to answer. Sirius, Remus, and Peter chose that moment to enter the common room amidst a flurry of snowflakes and droplets of shining water. Sirius and Remus waved, and after a moment, Peter did as well. Lily beckoned them over.

“Where's James?” she queried, stacking her books on one side of the table.

“He's right behind us,” Remus yawned, collapsing on a couch nearby. He looked around and concentrated on a chess game two fourth years were playing.

Lily nodded and settled back in her chair. Sirius and Peter took seats near Remus and began egging on one of the fourth year girls in the game. Lily rolled her eyes at their perverseness and looked at Rebecca, again opening her mouth to ask if she was okay.

After a split-second of contemplation, Lily decided not to ask, for James clambered through the portrait hole and drove rational thought from her mind. He sat down stiffly in an armchair next to the couch the other three were sprawled on, running a hand through his damp hair and sighing. He sent Lily the smallest of smiles and she felt the words she wanted to say die on her tongue. Telling him what Vince had done would be useless, she realized. There was nothing James could do, nothing James would know that could determine what the consequences of Vince's actions would be.

Rebecca stood staring at James for a full minute. She glanced at Lily and then haltingly walked over to James, stopping in front of him.

He looked up, bemused. “Rebecca? Is something—wrong?”

Rebecca tilted her head to the side and knelt before James, looking up at his face. She leaned up and wrapped her arms around him, hugging him tightly and pulling him down to her level. A part of Lily grew jealous while another part of her screamed with terror. Something was so very, very wrong.

“I'm sorry,” Rebecca said into the silent air. Startled, Lily looked around and saw that everyone was watching as James hugged Rebecca back, still looking perplexed. “I'm so sorry, James.”

She pulled away and stood, steadying herself against the arm of the red chair. She looked down at James, her face a curious mixture of confusion and remorse. She turned and passed Lily, dragging her fingers lightly over some parchment before disappearing into the dorm.

Remus finally broke the incredulous silence with the question they all wanted to ask. “What the fuck was that?”

……

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24. Chapter Twenty-Four: Of Wretches and Wrongs

Title: Lust…or Love?
Author: Sarinileni
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. Not at all. In the slightest.

Mature Subject Matter
Chapter 24: Of Wretches and Wrongs
Date Begun: Sunday, January 16, 2005
Date Finished: Monday, January 24, 2005
Date Posted: Monday, May 02, 2005

……

[If You Can't Leave It Be, Might As Well Make It Bleed, by Dashboard Confessional]

……

They found out the next morning.

The day felt strange to Lily. She tied her hair back and straightened her shirt, fastening the clasp of her necklace at the nape of her neck. Rebecca had gone to the hospital wing claiming nausea and all the other girls were still asleep. Lily kept her movements silent as she put down her brush. She picked up her bag and left the Tower, walking with surprising swiftness down to breakfast.

They were very few people up at this early hour. A few first year Slytherins, several Ravenclaws, one or two Hufflepuffs, and a number of Gryffindors were eating breakfast at the tables. The Marauders, minus James, were down at the far end of the table.

There were no people in the room who would inform Vince if she talked to them, so Lily walked the length of the table and stopped near them.

“Morning.”

“We don't know where he is,” Peter said immediately. “He came in at midnight from detention and got called to Dumbledore's office at four in the morning.”

Lily bit her lip, resting her hand on the table to keep from falling over. “You don't think…”

“I sure as hell hope not,” Sirius whispered, his fingers threaded through the hair at his temples. He looked slightly mad for a moment as he stared into space. Lily frowned.

“That's…damn it….”

Remus swore. “Merlin—this is mad! I'm so sick of not knowing what's going on.”

They left it at that and Lily sat down a few places down from them this time, staring at an empty plate, her mind furiously working. Possibilities were running through her mind, possibilities concerning James's parents, his home, his Head Boy position…anything that had to do with him. She did not know how long she sat there, six seats down from Sirius, but she was there long enough for the post to come in. A copy of the Daily Prophet dropped onto the plate in front of her. Lily stared at it and then picked it with shaking hands, hearing the sound of Sirius ripping into his.

She moved slowly, as if in a fog, and she heard the sound of Sirius's breath leaving his body just as she shook open the paper and saw the huge, glaring headline. She didn't read it at first, just stared at the huge letters and the picture below, one of Clark and Sabia Potter in spectacular dress, obviously at the New Year's Eve party that had just been held.

She still did not read the headline. She looked down at the first line of the article and then returned to the headline, finally reading it.

PROMINENT D.O.M EMPLOYEE FOUND DEAD—HUSBAND IDENTIFIED AS ONLY SUSPECT!

She set the paper down and got off the bench, looking around the room. Vince was at the Slytherin table, reading his paper. Almost in a trance, she walked across the Hall, ignoring the stares she attracted as she almost collided with tables. She stopped right behind him and waited for him to turn around.

He did slowly, looking surprised. “Lily? Have you seen the—”

“What did you do?” she asked fiercely, taking a step forward.

He tilted his head back a little and raised one fair eyebrow the slightest bit. “I beg your pardon?”

“You did something last night,” she whispered hotly, “in the owlery. The Potters—they were nice to me! And I think you had something to do with this—”

Vince swung his legs around and stood slowly, towering over her. “I swear on my father's life that I had nothing to do with this,” he said. “Okay?”

“No!”

They would have continued but Lily caught sight of James walking into the hall and she stopped to look at him. He did not look at anyone as he walked down the table to his friends, who were staring at him, transfixed.

He looked like a vision from Hell.

He reached the other Marauders and Lily blinked, turning back to Vince. “Do you—do you swear?”

He smiled slowly. “I swear.”

Lily sighed, pressing her fingers to her temples and looking at James, who had snatched up a paper and was staring at it in blankly. Somehow, she knew that a cold, cold rage was filling his bespectacled eyes. “Fine.”

“Now, may I please finish my breakfast?”

Lily nodded and walked away without another word. She went back to her table and took her paper, ordering herself not to look at James. She felt restrained, as if everything she was doing was not of her own accord. How could Vince make her so forgetful, so meek and forgiving? It took her all of three seconds to make it out of the Great Hall and stop outside by the doors. She stood, staring at the wall and trying to quell the anger that was boiling up in her stomach.

Vince sent a letter that caused this, and then—then!—he had the gall to lie to her about it. The paper crumpled in her fist and she growled, shocking herself. The Marauders chose that moment to leave breakfast and Sirius spotted her. Before Lily saw him shake his head to stop her, she was walking over. “James—”

He walked right past her without even a glance and Lily stepped away, stung. She stared at his back, her mouth open a little, feeling like she wanted to scream as loud as she possibly could.

Lily was nothing if she was not persistent. She ran after him, ignoring the pounding footsteps behind her. She caught hold of his robes halfway up to Gryffindor tower and made him stop. He whirled in the middle of the corridor and faced her, positively livid.

“Vince Malfoy is only with you so he can get closer to Rebecca Rookwood!” he yelled. Lily jumped back.

“James—your mother—”

“Did you hear what I JUST SAID?” he bellowed.

“Your mother just—and all you can think about is Vince and his bleeding motivations? Are you mad?” Lily took a step forward and James glared down at her.

“And it's not like her parents wouldn't approve of him—he's so fucking perfect with his idiotic pure blood and all that shit—”

“My mother approves of him too—so what?”

“I don't want to hear about your MOTHER!” James shouted. “I don't give a crap! I just want you to break up with stupid Malfoy so he stops using you for Rebecca's stupid gift!”

“You heartless prat,” Lily breathed. “Your mother just got killed and you're telling me to break up with my boyfriend. You're—you're unbelievable.”

“I DON'T CARE! JUST BREAK UP WITH HIM!”

“NO! IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!”

“Not my business?” James asked, his voice dropping to a whisper. Lily fervently thanked any higher being who deigned to listen that everyone was at breakfast. “I fuck you for two whole weeks and then your boyfriend's family kills my mother, frames my father, and gets away with it and you just—you stay with him? My mother was great to you and this is what you do? You sleep with fucking Vince Malfoy. Well, congratulations, Lily Evans! Who's the one without a heart? Me? Or you?”

“You're compartmentalizing,” Lily accused. “You're pushing this out of the way and concentrating on me because it's easier, isn't it?”

“Believe whatever you want, Lily. I think I'm going to have a fly.” He turned and walked back the way they'd came without another glance at her. She started after him but Sirius, coming out from around the corner, grabbed her arm and pulled her around to face him. She tried to push away from him but he held her arms tightly.

“Don't—” he said haltingly, his voice cracked. “Damn—I have no clue what to say to him so just—please leave him alone.”

Lily shook her head fiercely. “He's…he shouldn't be alone—”

“James likes to be alone.” Sirius kept his hold on Lily. “Please, Lily. I know you love him but you've just got to give him some space—you haven't known him as long as I have and I think—I think he just needs to brood a little. Please, Lily. I'm asking you as a—as a friend. Leave him be.”

“I'm a friend now, is that it?” Lily put her hands on Sirius's shoulders to steady her weak knees. She felt sick to her stomach when she thought about the stupid headline and she knew she was about to collapse.

“Yeah,” Sirius answered softly. “Lily….”

“She was…” Lily started, feeling too drained to cry. She could do that later, in her dormitory.

“Fuck—don't do this,” Sirius said, pushing her away. Lily sent him a dirty look as she collected herself. She was a mess; she was all over the place and she was about to hit something, very, very soon. “Please don't talk about it,” Sirius requested. “Just leave it alone or I'm going to have to stab myself in the leg. Or you. I may stab you in the leg.”

Lily snorted, but couldn't keep the fear from growing within her. “Really?” she asked curiously, half-believing he would do it, considering how he had told her he wouldn't hesitate to hit a girl way back it December. It was only a few weeks ago, but it seemed as if it had been months. Time had stopped for her at the Potters'…and now that household was ruined, and it was probably because of her boyfriend.

Vince had sworn on his father's life…how could he have possibly caused this if he had sworn on his dad's life?

“Like I'd hit a girl,” Sirius said, rolling his eyes and bringing her back to reality. “Are you going to leave him alone, Lily?”

“I'm not making any promises,” she finally said.

“Please—”

“Stop pleading—you look like a kicked dog,” Lily said irritably.

Sirius paused. “Lily—you don't know what you're doing. Please be careful. I don't think I've ever said please so much in my life before.”

“I'll leave it for now,” Lily gave in. “But later…sooner or later, Sirius, I'm going to talk to him.”

Sirius held up his hands. “That's all I wanted to know.”

“Are you skiving today?” Lily began walking towards the portrait of the Fat Lady.

“Of course,” Sirius said. “As if I could concentrate now that…”

Lily didn't wait to hear him falter. She gave the password and entered the common room, running up to her room so she could look out the window. From her side of the tower, she could see nothing of the Quidditch pitch.

“What're you doing here?”

Lily shrieked and turned, her hands clamped over her mouth. Rebecca was lying on her bed, her hair spread out on her pillow like a halo of darkness. Lily slowly brought her hands down from her mouth and kept them at her sides.

“Did you hear?” Lily asked her, her voice strained.

Rebecca sat up, looking at Lily sharply. There was a level of acceptance in her eyes that shook Lily, right down to the marrow in her bones. “Hear…what?”

“James's mum…she's been….” Lily swallowed hard. “Killed. And Mr. Potter is their only suspect—I…”

Rebecca brought her knees up to her chest and hugged them, resting her chin atop them. “Oh.”

“Rebecca,” Lily began hesitantly, trying to tear her mind away from the image of Sabia hugging James. “Did you know, last night?”

Rebecca shrugged, hiding her face.

“Rebecca.” Lily sat down on her friend's bed. “Why did you tell him you were sorry?”

Rebecca looked up and her face was streaked with tears. “Because I knew something was going to happen to him. Something bad. And it did—I should have stopped it, I should have known…”

“How did you know?” Lily ventured.

“I know things,” Rebecca sniffled, shrugging. “I can feel things and sometimes I know little things…I try not to tell people, especially nowadays because…it's very useful. Imagine what it would be like, having someone there to tell you when something was about to go wrong. I imagine there are people in the world who would give up anything to have me…to use me”

Lily felt dread growing somewhere deep inside her. It swelled up until she could barely think. “Do you…you…people like Malfoy?”

“Lucius?” Rebecca asked softly. “Lucius…”

Lily had meant Vince, but she let it slide.

“Did you know I used to be in…well, yes, I guess you could say love—with Lucius Malfoy?” Rebecca asked, her voice carrying quietly in the small, still room.

Lily shook her head, then realized that was stupid because Rebecca was not looking. “No.”

“It started innocently enough. Last year during the Christmas Holidays I went to drop something off for my brother—he was visiting the Malfoys. Lucius and I met and we…well…we clicked, I guess you could say. Come summertime I was sleeping with him. And I just…well, I realized what a bastard he was.” Rebecca laughed weakly and wiped her eyes. “So I broke it off with him. Vince—I talked to him a few times. We don't like each other very much and he—well, suffice to say that we don't get along. But for a while there I was really lost. Lucius is so persuasive, so smooth…he drove me crazy.”

“And you…you loved him?” Lily could hardly love her own boyfriend, let alone imagine loving his terrifying brother.

“I lusted for him,” Rebecca said, squeezing her legs closer. “Do you see the difference?” She looked up and locked her eyes on Lily's, and Lily knew this conversation was about to turn around towards her.

Oh, well… she thought. At least then you don't have to think about James's parents…

Lily cleared her throat. “Yes, I know the difference.”

“No,” Rebecca said, her voice misty. “You know the difference in definitions…not how to tell the difference between the two different feelings.”

“I know how to tell.” Lily's voice had a defensive tone it that made her cringe.

“Do you love James, or do you just feel lust for him?”

Something shifted in the room, something imperceptible and essential change with the noise of something banging into place. “Neither,” Lily whispered. “I don't know.”

She did, though, and a flash of pain suddenly blazed around her neck. It was gone in an instant—Lily was sure she imagined the searing sensation.

“You know,” Rebecca said fervently, disturbing Lily a little. “You know.”

“But—what about Malfoy? Lucius?”

“So yes, I didn't love Lucius. I just…wanted him. Sex is wonderful, I suppose, but I didn't want a real, true relationship. That's how he found out I've got this stupid ability, you know. I guessed something I wasn't supposed to and he worked out that I'm slightly clairvoyant…I don't want a relationship with anyone right now because I don't think I want to deal with anyone looking at me like I'm strange.”

“And Remus?” Lily finally asked, voicing her one concern.

Rebecca sighed, still staring out the window. “He has problems. I don't know just what they are but I feel them so strongly sometimes. I just…well, perhaps something light with him. I don't want to fall in love or anything right now.”

“Rebecca,” Lily began, feeling terrible because yes, just hours ago James's mother had died, and yes, Rebecca was terribly torn out about it—yes, Mr. Potter, of all people was the only suspect in his wife's death, and yes, Lily was grilling Rebecca for information, “do you ever feel weird when you're around Vince and me?”

“All the time,” Rebecca replied immediately, facing Lily. “He's not for you Lily, not like James is…”

“James said Vince was using me,” Lily added, leaving out the part about just what Vince was using her for.

“Probably,” Rebecca sighed again. “What are you going to do about James?”

“What about him?” Lily plucked at the bedspread and averted her eyes from Rebecca's probing, violet-tinted gaze. She wore no makeup, her hair was in disarray, her face was red and blotchy, and she was painfully unattractive to look at in the first place. Lily did not need the added discomfort of looking at her strange eyes.

“He's going to have a hard time of it. Don't you think you should break up with Vince so you can help James?”

It was Lily's turn to stare out the window. “Soon,” she whispered. “Soon.”

……

Later that day, Lily found Vince in the library's Restricted Section, poring over a huge book with his wand lit above him. Lily, being Head Girl, was allowed in here whenever she wanted. Lily shuddered when she thought about what Vince could be looking up.

“Vince?” she whispered. He held up a finger and she rested her weight on one leg, tapping her foot with impatience when he still did not look up after a minute. “Vince!”

“What?” he hissed, looking up from his book. Lily rolled her eyes at him and he set the book down carefully and stood, stepping over it carefully and making sure he didn't mess up the pages.

“We need to talk,” she muttered, and he let out a choke of laughter. “What?” she asked irritably. “What, Vince? I'm not in the mood!”

He grabbed her hand and pulled her up against him, pressing his body tightly against hers. Lily expected either a twisted sense of desire or revulsion, but instead she felt…nothing. She could not care less.

“Vince, we really need to talk.”

“Go on,” Vince said, breaking away from her stiff body with a look of disgust and leaning against a bookshelf. He fiddled with a chain he wore around his neck, looked at the ceiling, and sighed when Lily said nothing. She couldn't seem to form the words.

Finally, Vince threw his hands up in the air. “What, Lily? What could possibly be so important that you have to bother me about it?”

“Are you a Death Eater?” she blurted, her eyes widening at her own lack of tact. They were all alone, deep in the recesses of the library. He could do anything to her and no one would hear.

To her surprise, he simply laughed, rolling up both his sleeves and showing her his forearms. “No Mark,” he explained. “I'm not a Death Eater, Lily. Has Rebecca been putting ideas in your head?”

“No,” Lily said stubbornly. “Here's one more…did you kill Lance Weasley?”

Vince shrugged. “I already said no. I'm not going to explain myself again.”

Had he said no? Lily could not remember. “Did you…did you tell your brother to kill…Mrs. Potter?”

“Nope,” Vince said cheerfully. “Lily—Sabia Potter was weird. She was a waste of humanity. She was a Slytherin—did you know that? She married a Gryffindor. That's unforgivable.”

“You're a Slytherin. I'm a Gryffindor—I'll do you one better, I'm a Muggleborn Gryffindor.”

“I don't care much for propriety,” Vince said, waving his hand.

“Liar,” Lily accused. “You do care.”

“Well, I care about you more.”

LIAR! her mind screamed, but she said nothing. She crossed her arms. “Sabia Potter seemed very…decent,” she said, toning down her description so as not to arouse Vince's suspicions. “She didn't look like a waste of humanity.”

Vince scoffed. “Haven't you met her son?” He gestured vaguely. Lily had no idea why. “He's pathetic. He's probably blubbering right now because his father went crazy and decided to off his wife. She was probably shagging someone on the side.”

Lily suppressed a shriek of rage as he talked about the Potters like that. “Vince—we are—”

“I need to finish this, Lily,” Vince said quietly, picking some lint of his shirtfront. “Could you please leave me alone?”

Lily stood there, poised to attack him, her bottom lip caught hard between her teeth. Rage was boiling in every single part of her body; she was going to kill him…quite suddenly, all her anger was gone, and she was regarding him dispassionately. “Fine, Vince,” she said dully. “I don't even care anymore.”

He paid her no attention and she exited the library, rubbing her forehead. She had such a headache it was unbelievable. “Oh—sleep…yes, sleep, please….”

She bumped into someone and immediately began fumbling for her wand. It fell from her pocket and she stooped down to get it just as a tan hand entered her field of vision and picked up the wand for her.

She took it from the boy, then looked up and met his eyes. She caught her breath, dazed. Surely, this was Rebecca's brother. He had the same piercing, violet eyes.

While Rebecca's features looked slightly unnatural for a girl, on this boy they were positively stunning. He was gorgeous, simply put—not in the way Vince was, or in the way Sirius was…but simply gorgeous in a way that Lily had never seen before.

He smiled, revealing even, perfect white teeth. “Hello. Lily Evans, right?”

Mutely, she nodded.

“Augustus Rookwood,” he said, holding out his hand. “Pleasure to meet the Head Girl, finally.”

Lily did not take his hand. She would die before she took this polished, charming, deadly-seeming boy's hand.

He retracted his extended arm with a slightly perplexed look on his face. “I'm in Ravenclaw,” he murmured, “but…ah, yes! Do you know my sister Rebecca? She's in your dormitory.”

“I know her,” Lily said, finally finding her voice. “She's a friend of mine.”

“She's mentioned you,” he said, smiling again. Lily frowned. “Dinner's just beginning,” he said. “Would you walk with me down to the Great Hall?”

Lily smiled sweetly, deciding how to deal with him. “I'm sorry, but I've got something to take care of back in my dorm. It was nice meeting you, though.”

She bolted, leaving him standing in the middle of the corridor. What a strange person! She walked quickly for a good ten minutes before stopping and looking around. She was on the opposite side of the castle from the Great Hall, where dinner was. Shadows cloaked every corner she saw when she turned and torches cast flickering light everywhere she turned. Lily swallowed, tightened her grip on her wand, and turned her back on the darkness, ready to get back to well-lit parts of the castle.

She screamed when the sound of something shrieking tore through the air. It was a short, painfully loud and high-pitched screech of something not human, something not real. Lily whirled and held her wand out, the tip glowing even though she had not said a word.

She strained to see past the darkness in the corners and backed up, realizing that the sound must have been purely in her mind. Abandoning all remaining vestiges of bravery, Lily turned and raced away, taking several turns and ending up right back where she started, in front of the library.

Augustus Rookwood was gone and Lily breathed a sigh of relief. She leaned against a wall and tucked her wand into her pocket, breathing deeply and still looking around for an unseen attacker. She straightened her robes with trembling hands and waited until she could breathe properly before starting towards the Great Hall.

She peeked in to see whether James was there. He was not, and nor were any of the other Marauders. Forgetting about her promise to Sirius, Lily gave up on dinner and left the castle, keeping close to the wall so she wouldn't be seen.

When she was out of sight of the doors she made a run for the Quidditch Pitch. It was frigid outside but Lily was running so fast she did not even notice. She kicked up clouds of snow that danced in the frozen, still air, shimmering in the white moonlight and coming down like a shower of diamonds and pixie dust all around her. Lily shook some snow off her eyelashes and came to a stop near the Quidditch stands, feeling much better.

She could hear the voices before she entered, and she did so silently. She crept up the stairs of one of the stands and emerged in one of the highest boxes, keeping in the shadows so she would not be seen. Looking down, she noted that Sirius, Remus, and Peter were all sitting on the railing by the lowest level of stands, talking quietly as James zoomed from side to side overhead. Lily could not hear a word they were saying and decided she did not really care, as long as she could make sure James was okay. He looked frozen—he wasn't wearing a cloak and had obviously forgotten a warming charm.

She squinted and pointed her wand, quickly calculating in her mind just when the spell would hit and when he would reach the spot. She sent the strongest warming charm she knew at him and it hit him right in the chest. James's gaze did not stray from straight ahead but the three boys below caught sight of the abnormal flash of light. They obviously had not seen it hit James, and they soon returned to their whispered conversation.

She settled back to watch his silhouette cross the moon, his hair blown back by the fierce, cold wind. Lily wrapped her arms around herself and shivered, shifting to get more comfortable. Her heart seemed as if it were grasped in a vice—a constant, overwhelming pain assailed her and ruined her concentration so thoroughly she could hardly think about anything—except James.

When Lily thought about James—she always linked him to his mother in some form. Over the past two weeks she had realized that he was an exact mix of both his parents. He had sporadic bouts of quiet dignity as his father did—the same brooding quality that made Mr. Potter such an enigma to Lily. He had his mother's spirit—her mischievousness and her confidence. He had her faith and her hope and her ideals…and the intensity of both of them. He had an intensity that was so rare Lily wanted to keep it and put it in a glass case, protect it from outside harm.

Now she could see James, and part of him was black. His mother—that huge, monumental part of him—she was gone and a void had taken her place. James Potter did not have a mother anymore. If things continued to progress as they did at the moment, then he would not have a father with three months' time. James was very, very, alone, simply by isolation. More importantly, he was alone in a way that Lily could not help with. She could not sit with him and fill the void losing his mother had caused.

A mother…what was a mother?

Lily had very few childhood memories. Her early life had been very pleasant, she knew, and she had never lacked love. For some reason, however, she just could not seem to remember much from when she was little except for the fact that her mother always used to smell like ginger. It was a spicy, tangy scent, sharp and clean so painfully missed now that Lily had to take a deep breath to keep tears at bay. She wanted her mother so much right at that moment—so much that she was ready to go inside and write a letter just to make sure she was okay.

The wind whistled shrilly though the siding of the stands, whipping around Lily's huddled body. She was much too lazy to perform a charm on herself. She sat there for what must have been five more minutes before a repeated creaking sound alerted her that someone was climbing the steps. She saw Sirius's hair before his face and recognized him that way, smiling slightly at him before turning her wet eyes back out to the dark night.

“James really misses you.”

“He just spoke to me this morning,” Lily answered immediately.

Sirius made an annoyed sound. “No, Lily. He misses you. You didn't talk to him—you argued with him. I'm going to admit that I—well, I was wrong. You should have gone after him. That's what he wanted, what he expected.”

Lily shrugged. “Oh…well….I don't…um…”

“Shut up,” Sirius said straight away. “Don't ever try to tell me you don't care. Of course you do.”

“I'm not saying I don't care,” Lily answered. “I'm just saying that there's nothing I can do for him. I don't know what to say…I've never had to deal with anything like this. Sirius—there's always this idea—this overshadowing of a new Dark Order led by some wizard named Voldemort—a creature who isn't really human who eats Death itself…that's been an idea. But now? Now it's…it's real. Something's happening. Something so bad I can't even begin to tell you and James is in the middle of it. I have a mother and a father and they're both alive and well but he…he doesn't have that. Because of my…because of Vince. How do you think that makes me feel?”

“I don't know,” Sirius replied tiredly. “I would never date a Malfoy.”

“No,” Lily snapped, “but I am dating a Malfoy, and I just can't seem to get out of it.”

“James has got a lot to deal with, Lily,” Sirius said, stepping backward as he turned to leave. Once more, Lily was seeing the Sirius she had seen earlier, the boy who had threatened to hit her if she hurt his friend. “Try not to make it worse. Help him, please…but do it without getting his hopes up if you're too much of a coward to break up with your boyfriend.”

She had hurt James, and she was remarkably free of Sirius-caused bruises.

“Think about this, though,” Sirius said, halting his progress towards the stairs. “One day, James is going to pound the bloody shit out the entire Death Eater regime…are you going to be defending along with Malfoy,” he began, starting down the creaky steps, his voice getting quieter and quieter as the wind stole his words away—she could feel what he meant…his anger and his conviction permeated the air around him, qualities that were so uniquely Sirius's she wondered why she had never been his friend before this year—and he turned back to her, just before his upper body left her line of sight. “Or are you going to be beating the bastards' heads in with James?”

……

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25. Chapter Twenty-Five: Of Skies and Suspicion

Title: Lust…or Love?
Author: Sarinileni
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. Not at all. In the slightest.

Mature Subject Matter
Chapter 25: Of Skies and Suspicion
Date Begun: Thursday, February 03, 2005
Date Finished: Thursday, February 17, 2005
Date Posted: Monday, May 02, 2005

……

[Watch the Sky, by Something Corporate]

……

Lily woke with a start and looked around, gasping. She had been dreaming about something chasing her—something horrible and terrible and shrieking, and her mind was jumbled up and her thoughts in disarray. The dream was slipping away with every passing second, and after two minutes she could not remember a thing about it.

She was stretched out under the overhang of the highest Quidditch stand tower, splayed between some seats. Her heating charm from last night was thankfully still intact so it was toasty inside the enclosed space, but she could hear the sound of a furious downpour beating down on the wood above her head. The air was moist and fresh—Lily breathed deeply and stood.

She had spent the night outside, she realized, horrified, but then she remembered that she had no classes today. It was impossible to see what time it was, but she knew that it was early daytime. The rain came down in miserable sheets, obscuring and drenching everything. When it rained, Lily thought absently, the world was as gray (and sometimes cold, as today) as Sirius Black's eyes.

She stepped out from under the overhang and within a blissful moment she was drenched. Like James, Lily adored rain. It was the one thing they had agreed on during one of their after-shagging late night talks. She tilted her head back and let it run over her face and down her neck, breathing in the scent of falling rain and loving it. Tomorrow all the world would be frozen in ice. Lily would come outside and lie on the hard ground to look at the sky, just as she always did.

It was strange for her to feel the presence behind her, but she couldn't bear to turn from the rain to the covered space. With an inward groan she did turn, and she was quite startled when she saw James, also drenched.

“What are you doing here?” she asked over the sound of the rain. He came up to the edge of the overhang and she saw him through the downpour, his face almost flickering as shifting shadows played over it. He gave her no answer and simply stared out at the world over her shoulder.

Lily hesitated and then decided to probe. “James?”

He did not start—or maybe he did, and it was just in slow motion to her. Rain took everything and slowed it down like that. Lily caught her breath as his eyes turned to her and she held them, unable to fathom just what he could be feeling.

“My dad—he didn't do it.”

Lily was dismayed that those were the first words out of his mouth. She heard him dead clear even though the rain and something else was roaring in her ears, and wondered whether he had thought for even a second that he would need to clarify that point for her. Her mouth dropped open and she shook her head.

“I know—of course I know that, James.”

“Remus…” James said hollowly, and Lily wondered whether James and Remus would ever have the same relationship they had had before this year. She wondered whether they would ever be able to completely, totally, and subconsciously trust each other ever again.

“What do you mean—Remus thought your father did it?” Lily could hardly hold back her anger. How dare Remus say something like that!

“No…” James trailed off uncertainly and dropped his eyes from hers. “Please. I don't want to talk about it. Ever.”

“You should,” Lily began, but James cut her off.

“Could we just—look at the rain? And not talk? I don't want to talk.”

With a sigh, Lily turned to watch the rain fall. James came up to stand beside her and leaned against the outer wall of the box. His head hung forward and his shoulders slumped. Lily wanted to know where the tall James was—the one who was always at least a head-and-a-half taller than her—where had that James gone?

He had gone with his mother—no, Lily didn't know where. Heaven. Elysium. Somewhere people went after death. Somewhere were Sabia Potter was waiting—where Lily was sure Clark Potter would soon be going, because he was the type of man who could not possibly live without his wife. Not suicide—he was far too dignified for that. Clark Potter would simply lose the will to live, and James would be devastated again.

No… Lily thought. Sabia was enough. If Clark died it would kill James.

The object of her thoughts and affections straightened, his shoulders squared, and he leaned his hands against the edge of the barrier that kept them from falling, licking rain off his upper lip. He looked at Lily and managed to give her the smallest smile she had ever seen in her life.

“Thanks,” he said gratefully, whispering, so softly she strained to hear.

“Don't worry,” Lily said back, inching her hand over and closing it over his, feeling the rain intermingle with their entwined fingers. Some time passed like that and when Lily suddenly started paying attention again, she realized that she was sitting in the rain on the edge of the box and James was sitting right in front of her on one of the chairs, his chest pressed against her lower legs.

He pushed insistently and Lily parted her legs, resting her feet on each of his armrests and pulling his upper body forward until his heavy head was resting against her stomach. Lily threaded her fingers through his hair and tugged hard; James groaned deeply and pressed his forehead harder against the wet cloth of her shirt.

They breathed deeply together for endless moments of time, the day fractured and hazy in light of the rain. Lily felt it cold and lovely against her face, a stark contrast to the warmth James was giving her. He wrapped his arms around her midsection and hugged her tightly, his body shivering against her.

Was he crying?

Lily did not particularly want to know. She was so very used to seeing James Potter as a vision of strength and confidence; to see him crying would shatter that image, and Lily was sure she would never be able to look at him the same way again.

“James,” she mumbled, finding it hard to get the words out. “James—”

He shook his head. “No,” he said fiercely. “Shh—please just shut up and sit here with me.”

She heard him clearly, even as the rain drummed in her ears, even as his voice was muffled against her belly. He pulled his head away and her hands fell listlessly from his hair. It stuck up wildly, molded by the water that had soaked into his locks. His face was wet but Lily liked to tell herself it was from the rain and not from tears. She smiled shakily at him and James pulled her face down to kiss her, his lips moving hot and wet against hers. The kiss warmed Lily, chasing away the perpetual chill that had settled over her body. They pulled away slowly, loathe to break contact with each other.

“This is so wrong,” he whispered in her ear.

“Hmm?” Lily questioned, her eyes half-shut, but James shook his head.

“My mother's not even buried yet and my father's facing murder charges. Here I am kissing someone…not a care in the bloody world.” James shut his eyes and breathed deeply, exhaling when Lily snaked her fingers into the hair at his temples and pressed a kiss to his water-beaded forehead.

“It's okay,” she whispered. “It's only comfort.”

“It's more, Lily,” James said, his voice strangely deep in the wind. “I just…what would you do?”

“I'd die,” Lily answered immediately. “I would just die if my mum did. If they said my dad did it I'd…I can't even express it properly.”

“I don't really have the option of dying, thanks ever so much,” James rejoined sarcastically.

“Good,” Lily told him. “Because if you died, I don't know what I'd do.”

If she had been expecting James to tease her she was disappointed, for he only took her hand, leaned against her stomach again, and sighed wearily, the sound of it so painful Lily winced and then tipped her head back, swallowing rain and letting it run down the back of her throat.

……

They staggered back to the castle later, bleary-eyed despite that fact that they had not been sleeping, their bodies aching despite the fact that they had engaged in no pain-inducing activities. They had continued to sit on the ledge for another hour before the rain let up, and then they walked back under the gray sky.

James disappeared along the way and Lily changed her clothes back in her dorm, wringing out her hair and combing through the tangles before picking up a textbook—any one would do, she had equal amounts of work in each subject—and trotting back down to the common room. She sat in front of the fire and warmed her toes, letting her hair dry in the heat.

“Seen Sirius?”

Lily looked up from her book, her vision hazy. Remus's voice, although he was sitting across from her all of a sudden, seemed to come from a great distance. “No,” she answered. “I haven't.”

“Damn. I needed him.”

Lily sighed and went back to her book, than turned back to Remus. “Remus, could I ask you a question?”

Remus raised an eyebrow at her and nodded. He looked like absolute death—his hair was unkempt, his eyes were bloodshot, and his robes were wrinkled. If he keeled over right there Lily would not be surprised.

“What'd you say to James yesterday?”

With a tired exhalation of breath, Remus slumped forward. “I knew this would happen.”

Lily simply waited for an explanation, her textbook for Potions still in her lap.

“I didn't really mean it the way he took it,” Remus mumbled, rubbing his eyes. “I swear—you know, I haven't slept all night because I was so worried about him…did you know he didn't come inside last night? He spent the night on the Pitch and it rained like bloody hell this morning—he's just come back and he's lying on his bed, drenched. He wouldn't even look at me, let alone speak to me.” Remus threaded his hands through his hair and rested his elbows on his knees, staring at the floor. “I didn't mean it,” he said again.

“But what did you say?” Lily persisted.

“He came down to talk to us last night when we were at the Pitch with him. We were just…I dunno what exactly was going on, I don't remember, but I do know that I said something about his dad actually doing it—I meant under Imperius or something—because I'm logical, that's the way I am. I meant no harm—but James flipped friggin' shits. He went crazy—I thought he would kill me. I've known him for seven years, Lily—and I've only seen him that mad maybe twice.” Remus tightened his fingers and let out a tiny groan. “I should've known, of course. But I was just…well, there's got to be a reason they think it's Mr. Potter, right? They wouldn't think he killed her unless they had real proof, right?”

“I've heard the Ministry is ridiculously corrupt,” Lily remarked.

“True,” Remus sighed. “It's bad between me and James, Lily. Things have been a little bit shaky since New Year's but this—this takes the cake. I know Clark would never willingly harm Bee—I doubt he's ever pointed his wand at her in his life—but there are different factors that could fuck all that up. Lily—Lily—what do I do?”

Lily stared at Remus, dumbstruck. “Clark—first off, Mr. Potter did not kill Sabia—not under any circumstances. He did not do anything of the sort. He wouldn't—actually, he couldn't. He loves her too much.” Lily hesitated. “I…you know that, don't you?”

Remus shrugged. “I know…just…”

“Remus—there you go again! Just stop analyzing,” Lily continued, “or someone's going to kill you, I swear.”

Remus let out a bark of laughter.

“And,” Lily finished, “go shag Rebecca to let out some of your stress.”

“God, no,” Remus said, making a face. “I'd hurt her.”

Lily gave him a reproachful look. “She's not that delicate.”

Remus paused. “I stronger than I look,” he said carefully.

“So you're a right old tiger in the sheets then, eh, Lupin?” Lily grinned and turned on her side to look at him, curled up.

Remus grinned right back. “More like a wolf,” he corrected.

Something struck a chord deep in the recesses of Lily's consciousness, but she could not for the life of her figure out what it was and what it meant. She yawned and shrugged, then looked at the fire. “What do you need Sirius for?” she asked tiredly, shutting her book and leaning her head against the armrest.

“Nothing important,” Remus told her. “Just some business.”

Lily, her eyes closed, raised an eyebrow. “Business? I never took either of you for a businessman.”

“Well, you were wrong,” Remus said flatly, his voice full of dry humor.

“Ouch,” Lily winced. “You're being a tad too harsh.”

“You can take it,” Remus told her, pushing his chair back and standing. He stretched his arms up over his head, revealing pale skin above the waist of his trousers. Lily thought she saw something—a scar, a discoloration, perhaps, but Remus let his arms hang at his sides and the skin was covered. Lily frowned but dismissed it. It was none of her business how Remus's bare skin looked.

The strangest thing about that day, Lily would realize later, was the way she had no idea how anything happened. She would always remember the specific events that occurred, but she could never pinpoint exactly when they happened and how they came about. She looked up at some point and Remus was gone; instead, Sirius was there. She had no idea when he had arrived or when Remus had left.

“Hey, Lily.” Sirius scratched his head. “Have you seen Remus, by any chance?”

Judging by how far she had gotten in her Potions book (a grand total of four pages), she had been at this for an hour. She glanced at the clock. “He was looking for you around lunchtime,” she answered.

Sirius swore. “What about James?”

Lily shivered to hear the tone in his voice. It was so ultimately desperate, so angry and protective. God forbid Sirius see Vince—he would kill the blond boy. Just the way Sirius said James's name told her how much he cared about him.

“Last I knew he was in his dorm, ignoring Remus.” Lily knew her voice was toneless, but she could not figure out the reason. “Why?”

“Why else?” Sirius responded. “To make sure he isn't off mutilating himself.”

Lily gave him a sharp look, shutting her textbook and turning to face him. Goody, a part of her mind thought. If you have a conversation with Peter today, you're a good old Marauders' Whore!

“Just once,” Sirius said uneasily, looking unsure about whether he should have said that or not. “He was…trying to prove a point to us, me and Remus…but I don't think I could go through seeing that again…Merlin and Agrippa…” Sirius shook his head and rubbed his eyes.

“Why did he—?”

Sirius cut her off. “Classified. To prove a point.”

She made a face at him and he looked pleased with himself for using such a large word. Lily threw a piece of fuzz from the couch at him and it floated to the ground halfway to his chair. Their eyes followed its progress down to the carpet and then they looked at each other.

“Let's not speak of that,” Lily advised, and Sirius blinked, then nodded. They sat in an extremely awkward silence before Sirius decided to speak.

“Go on, then,” he said.

“Huh?” Lily looked up from her inspection of the couch's cushion. “What?”

“Go on up. To James.”

“Why would I…?”

Sirius sighed dramatically. “I need to go find Remus,” he informed her. “I know you want to go talk to James. So go ahead. It's better than doing in public where your murdering bastard of a boyfriend can see.” He smiled sweetly at her and Lily resisted the urge to throw her book at his head simply to make a point.

“Eh heh heh,” she laughed sarcastically, getting to her feet and setting down her book. She waited until Sirius left the common room before going over to the stairs, ignoring the people in the common room. For some reason it seemed as if the stairs were a dark, gaping mouth, ready to swallow her whole as soon as she walked in. She put aside her fear and started up the steps, cursing the fact that the Seventh Year Boys' dormitory was on the top floor this year.

She pushed open the door hesitantly and shut it behind her. She had never been in here before and as such did not know what belonged to whom, yet every bed was empty and unmade except for the one nearest the window, its occupant hidden by heavy curtains.

She crept over, afraid to make noise, and pulled aside the curtain slowly but steadily. James was lying on the bed, his arms spread out, his head thrown back on the pillow with his neck exposed. She almost jumped back when she saw the Hedwig, his Jarvey, was curled up on the unoccupied pillow, asleep. James's hand rested on her white fur; he had no reaction to her presence and she sat down on his bed, kicking off her shoes, pulling her legs up to her chest, and closing the curtains.

It was comforting, sitting there in the dark with James. He turned on his side towards her and Lily uncurled her body and sat cross-legged even as James lay pressed up against her, his arm encircling one her legs. She could feel his breath fanning across her hip and onto the small of her back. Lily's hand fell back and stroked his hair, ignoring the ache that was beginning in her back from sitting without support for so long.

“I feel lost,” he told her hoarsely. Lily swallowed hard, remembering how he had told her she looked lost when they were removing Christmas decorations.

“I'm here,” she replied in a small voice, twisting out of his grasp and sitting back against his headboard. They moved until James was lying diagonally across his own bed, his head in Lily's lap, her legs extended under him. Her hands again were in his hair and James sighed.

“I…you know, I never hated my mother.”

Lily snorted. “As if you could.”

“No…” James shifted. “I mean…she never yelled at me enough or did anything bad enough to make me hate her. Not once. Not when I was a little kid—I never said, `I hate my mother'.”

“What about when your dad left?” Lily asked quietly, not sure whether she was allowed to talk about this or not.

There was a dark, velvety silence. “I understood, mostly. I stayed out of it because I…I knew it would work out in the end, you know what I mean?” James looked up at her and Lily felt such a strong surge of affection for his stupid tousled hair and his glinting glasses. She conveyed her answer with her eyes.

“Do you think this'll all work out in the end?” James ventured.

“What's the end?” Lily countered.

There was an incredibly long, pregnant pause, and then James spoke, his voice carrying up in the dark; rich, yet hollow, warm, yet bitter, with deep, dark cold so heavily embedded Lily was chilled to her bones, with no hope of warmth. Yet…strangely, so strangely, his words did manage to spark the slightest bit of hope in her.

“When everything's alright, I suppose.”

…….

The fact that the definition of `alright' to Lily was being with James scared her so much she went to find Vince, finally catching up to him at lunch in the Great Hall. She felt Sirius's burning gaze on her and had to look away. She sent a nasty look at Severus Snape when he spat at her and continued down the length of the Slytherin table, to where Vince was sitting with Sirius's younger brother, Regulus.

“Hello,” she said pleasantly, taking a seat on the bench next to Vince. Boldly, cringingly, Lily settled her palm high on his thigh and was rewarded with both a smile and a tell-tale tightening of muscle.

“Hullo, Lily,” Regulus returned, his lazy eyes on hers. He reminded her of Augustus Rookwood, right then, handsome like Sirius but with a certain something—a danger—perhaps a drive to kill, to see blood, to hate…no, Sirius was not like that.

Deliberately, Lily leaned forward so her mouth was right next to Vince's ear. “Almost done here?”

He nodded, a smile touching his mouth. Lily wanted to smack it right off but she got up and stood behind Vince, waiting for him to finish.

“I'll talk to you about all this later,” Vince told Regulus, who looked between them, leering.

“I understand why you're ditching me,” the younger boy smirked. Lily clenched her fists, gritted her teeth, and smiled.

“Shut up,” she said, keeping her voice light. “It's none of your business.”

Regulus mock shuddered at her. “Oh…I'm so scared. Lily Evans might hit me. Or—you know, you've been talking to my brother quite a bit lately. Maybe you'll get him to avenge your honor. Wonder what you'll be paying him with?”

His look over her body told her, Vince, and all the surrounding students what Regulus thought Lily was doing with Sirius. Lily stepped forward, her hand going for her wand, but then she remembered that she could not curse him—not here, in front of the teachers, not when she was Head Girl.

Her hand fell loosely to her side and then shot up to stop Vince from going for Regulus.

“You watch yourself, you presumptuous little berk,” Lily retorted. “I might just lose it one day.”

“You've lost it, alright,” Regulus crowed, and the Slytherins around them laughed. Lily's face burned.

“At least I've had the chance, mini-prick,” she hissed back, grabbing Vince by the hand and leaving amongst catcalls and hoots.

Once outside the Great Hall, Lily turned and kissed Vince violently, keeping him from saying anything about Regulus's comments about Sirius. They broke apart and Lily pulled him to an empty classroom—any one would do! She needed to get rid of this hopeless want for James—this need for him to….

Lily would look back on what followed and would hate herself so thoroughly she became depressed. Shagging Vince on one of the small student desks made her ache for hours—days afterwards, and then, quite suddenly, he was done and Lily was left to fake it.

She was not used to this. She was used to reaching a climax, to feeling an ecstasy so complete she needed nothing else—it was just her and James and undeniable, beautiful, gorgeous pleasure, like diving into a cool pond on a hot day, or seeing something amazing, like an eagle wheeling above you with the clouds and the sky so very blue and a balmy breeze just skimming the top of your body as you lay nestled in a bed of sweet-smelling grass.

At any rate, they returned to their respective dormitories with a last, parting kiss, and Lily showered for an hour and a half. Rebecca knocked on the door and meekly asked if everything was alright. Lily snapped that she was fine and Rebecca snapped back, then angrily slammed the door to the dorm, signaling her departure. Lily turned off the water, wrapped herself in a huge towel, and then looked at the remnant bruises from a few days ago, when she had been stupid enough to struggle with Vince and then stupid enough to get in James's way the next day.

Condensation turned back into water and dripped down the mirror, making lonely trails that Lily followed with her eyes. She stared at herself for a long time, streaks of her body being revealed at a time.

Imagine, Lily thought morbidly, if it were all colored red.

Just the very knowledge that she was thinking that startled Lily out of her reverie. As she left the loo, she took one more glance at the mirror to make sure the water had not turned to blood when she wasn't looking, and then she shut the door on the scene of her…

Her guilt?

What was Vince doing to her?

-->

26. Chapter Twenty-Six: Of Cruel Truths and Kind Poison

Title: Lust…or Love?
Author: Sarinileni
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. Not at all. In the slightest.

Mature Subject Matter
Chapter 26: Of Cruel Truths and Kind Poison
Date Begun: Thursday, February 17, 2005
Date Finished: Monday, February 28, 2005
Date Posted: Tuesday, May 03, 2005

……

[Either Way, by Guster]

……

Special thanks to Y. Kuang for the general idea for a part of Lily and James's conversation in the FF. You'll know what it is.

……

Lily had the displeasure of being partnered with Severus Snape the next day in Potions.

She looked longingly over at Sirius, who was rolling his eyes at Analise Radcliffe, his flirty partner. She never thought she would see the day when she would wish Sirius was her partner again, but it had come. Clearly, Snape hated her, and she hated him right back.

It was not that she did not consider him human—she felt rather bad for him sometimes—she just could not understand why a person had to be so…hateful, for lack of a better word. As it was, he was deftly chopping up little bits of Hippogriff spleen for the Truth Potion they had been assigned, not looking at Lily even once. Angrily, she lit the fire under the cauldron and added the appropriate amount of water, and then the three ounces of Manticore blood.

“Who would ever want to ingest something like this?” Lily muttered under her breath

“It's not something that would ever be ingested by choice, Evans,” Snape snapped, his voice so caustic that Lily could feel James stiffen behind her, from where he was working with Rebecca Rookwood's brother, Augustus. Lily had never before realized Augustus was in her Potions class and was just now seeing him for the first time. The worst thing about N.E.W.T level classes was that they were so large and mixed it was hard to find people.

“I don't know, Snape,” Lily replied calmly. “Some people are just a little bit sick in the head, know what I mean?” She looked at him harmlessly and he snarled at her before turning back to his roots, or whatever he was doing.

Lily commenced stirring the potion with the silver ladle. An argument broke out on Lily's right between Remus and Rebecca about who should stir the potion. Rebecca had been slicing veela hairs in two but Remus wanted to take over and let her stir. Finally, throwing up her hands, Rebecca switched places with Remus, and Lily noted the way they brushed against each other as they moved. She was torn from her grinning state by the sound of Professor Hamilton welcoming Vince into class.

“Mr. Malfoy,” he said, sarcastic surprise in his voice, looking at Vince over his spectacles, “have you deigned to join us today?”

“So sorry, Professor Hamilton,” Vince said respectfully. “I was meeting with my Head of House.”

“Truth Potions,” Hamilton said, tapping the board with a long, practiced finger. “Groups were allowed to choose which one, but I'll just assign you to one to avoid any problems.”

Vince's mouth drew itself into a line of displeasure and he looked at Lily, alternately glaring at Snape and then at the table behind her. Lily held back a groan when Hamilton paired Vince with James and Augustus, then returned to correcting papers. She met Vince's eyes and held them defiantly as he threw his bag on the ground, letting it slide past her table. It rasped against the dungeon floor and came to a spot somewhere behind her. Vince left her line of sight.

Something was wrong.

Lily bit her lip, glaring down at the table. She went back to the potion and sighed, swearing as she realized she had lost count. She was either on seventy-seven or seventy-eight stirs. The blue potion had to be stirred exactly one-hundred and six times, clockwise, before the next step could be performed.

“What number are you on?” Snape asked a little while later.

She had stirred twenty-one times since she had lost count, so she picked seventy-eight and ran with it. “Ninety-nine, one-hundred, one-oh-one, one-oh-two, one-oh-three…”

At one-oh-six, Lily took out the ladle and laid it on the silver resting plate. Yawning, she picked up the first, long ginger root and dropped it in, then a sliced veela hair…ginger root…veela hair…ginger root…veela hair…ginger root…veela hair…she continued until she had added all the necessary ingredients, the looked at the board to see what was next.

The sound a muffled argument broke out behind Lily and out of the corner of her eye, she saw James stalk past her worktable and over to the cabinets that held the ingredients. She was startled from her staring when Snape jostled her and peered into the potion.

“Useless!” he snarled. “You stirred too many times! Is your head up in the clouds, you fool?”

Lily bristled. “Snape—”

“Leave her alone, Snivellus. Not all of us stand here and worship the gods of potions like you,” Sirius called from behind Rebecca and Remus. Lily's entire half of the room looked at her and Snape and she turned red, glaring at Sirius.

“Shut up,” she muttered, groaning when she saw that Professor Hamilton had looked up.

“Is there something wrong, Miss Evans, Mr. Snape?”

They both mumbled something in the negative and returned to their potion.

“It's going to explode in precisely…” Snape checked his watch, “…ten minutes' time if you don't go get some werewolf's blood to counteract the extra silver.”

“You go get it,” Lily answered rudely. She heard a slight laugh behind her and shivered, knowing it was Augustus Rookwood.

“You ruined the potion, Evans,” Snape hissed, “so you do the work to fix it!”

Lily gritted her teeth and marched over to the ingredients' cabinets to find the blood. She looked to where it should have been but it was missing, and then she jumped when she felt someone tap her on the shoulder. James dangled a vial of blood before her face. “Looking for this?”

She tried to snatch it from his hand but he held it up and she did not want to jump like a rabbit for it. She turned to glare up at him and choked on a breath when he took a step forward and crushed her body between the cabinet and his front. Lily swallowed hard and looked over to where Vince and Augustus Rookwood were talking in low voices, not paying the slightest bit of attention. Rebecca and Remus were absorbed in each other; Hamilton was oblivious; Snape…was watching. Lily averted her eyes from his probing, knowing, hateful gaze.

“What are you doing?” she whispered desperately, feeling her skin heat up. She wanted him so very badly—probably for the sheer relief of it. She was so frazzled from her experience the day before with Vince…what she needed was a good, fast shag, preferably with James.

God, Lily thought, when did I become so crude?

“Do you need this?” James repeated.

Lily nodded, looking at him carefully. She swallowed hard and blinked; she really wanted to talk to him all of a sudden, about…anything.

James stepped backward and Lily leaned against the cabinet to keep from falling. There was only a small amount left in the vial. “Why did you have it?” she asked suspiciously.

James's gaze started to flicker to the side, to where his friends were, but then he looked back at her. “A little experiment. Don't worry. You should only need a few drops.”

“Oh…okay.”

He shrugged. His hair was delightfully messy. “Lily—”

If Lily wanted to stay alive, James had to get away from her. He was driving her crazy. “I'm sorry,” she blurted, because it was the first thing that came to mind and it was the only thing she wanted to say.

James stiffened. “Didn't we agree not to talk about this?”

Lily swallowed again, glancing over to where Vince was still not paying attention, thank heavens. “But I'm still sorry.” She had just wanted to express…how she felt, and now she had made him angry. No, no, no…

James looked at her, studied her face, and sighed. “You know what, Lily? I've heard that so much it's lost its meaning. I never thought you'd be like everyone else.”

Lily opened her mouth to reply, but she saw Snape get up and walk briskly over to them. He snatched the vial of blood from Lily's hands, standing next to her with his back to the cabinets for a moment, facing James.

“When you're quite done having your lover's spat with the criminal's son, could you come help—”

James swung at him and would have hit Snape dead on in the face if Snape had not expected it and stepped to the side. As soon as Lily saw James move she jumped aside, her shoulder aching for a split second with phantom pain. James could not stop his momentum and as Snape walked away, James crashed into the cabinets, and the sound of breaking glass exploded in the room.

Professor Hamilton jumped up and rushed over; the rest of the class finally began paying attention. Lily was drenched in disgusting, slimy materials; James was no better. She saw something that look suspiciously like a rat's eyeball on the table nearest the cupboards and shuddered. She looked at Hamilton, whose face was contorted in fury. Sizzling sounds were coming from ingredients that were mixing on the floor; some sparks shot up when volatile substances collided.

“SCOURGIFY!” Hamilton yelled, frantically waving his wand and cleaning the two students, then the floor. He pointed his finger first at James, then at Lily. “DETENTION!”

……

“I can not believe this,” Lily grumbled, slapping aside an offending branch and holding up her wand to light the way in front of her, her other arm hindered by the large basket dangling from the wrist. James had not offered to carry it for her. She heard James swear behind her and looked back to see that her branch had whacked him in the face, knocking his glasses askew. James sent her a hateful look and Lily frowned, remorseful.

Apparently, for some reason, he was mad at her. Lily had decided not to question this, because she truly did not want the drama. It would come out sooner or later, anyway.

“What can't you believe, Lily?” he asked harshly. “That you got a detention?”

Lily sighed. “That,” she told him. “And also that we're in the bloody Forbidden Forest!”

James waved a hand carelessly and Lily was forced to look straight ahead again when she almost walked into a tree. “I've been in here loads of times,” he said, his voice derisive enough to make Lily seethe. “There's nothing to be afraid of…” He grabbed her hand. “But, you know, if there is—” he pulled her around to face him “—then I'm sure I could protect you.”

A delightful shiver went through Lily at his touch and she knew he felt it; one of his legs was suddenly in between hers and she was pressed tightly against a tree, the basket falling to the snow on the ground. Secretly pleased, Lily glared up into his eyes, put her hands on his shoulders, and then pushed as hard as she could. In a sick sort of power-struggle, James strained to keep her where she was, his fingers caressing her shoulder.

“You're acting like Vince, James,” she said quietly, and he made a sound of disgust before stepping backwards and throwing her a dirty, astonished look.

“Fine,” he snarled, turning. “Let's get on with this, shall we? Bloody herbs…” He picked up the basket and held his wand higher. It was almost nine in the night—they had been told they would start late, because most of the ingredients they were sent to pick only revealed themselves late into the evening. Lily thought Hamilton slightly sadistic. They were not allowed to leave until they had completed their entire task.

They had been assigned by Professor Hamilton to gather a specific set of herbs for some potion or the other that he wanted to make, and as such, they were in the Forbidden Forest. Lily was bundled up in four layers, because while Charms was her strength, Warming Charms, for some reason, were not; James was hardly better at them than she. Aside from her usual undergarments, she was wearing a thermal undershirt, as well as a flannel shirt that had belonged to her father, and then her robes and her cloak. She was wearing fleece-lined pants. Remarkably, James had ended up in his jumper, robes, and cloak, as well as his jeans. Lily thought him mad, but then again, she hated the cold, and he had confessed to her once that there was something he liked about it.

“Bloodwort,” Lily said, reading off a list from her pocket. “Small, spade-shaped leaves, grayish-green, a knobby root when you pull it from the ground.”

James searched around lazily, then shook his head. “Nope,” he said, infuriating Lily.

“Could you at least look?” she demanded.

“Nope,” James repeated, smirking at her. Malice was heavy in his eyes, and Lily sank into it, feeling it tear at her and stick to her and bring her down. She despaired in it for only a moment, thinking how desperate he must be and how cruel they were acting towards each other, before coming to her senses and straightening her back.

“You've got to grow up, James,” she told him quietly.

He snarled at her. “Don't tell me when to grow up,” he spat, “because I've done my fair share of growing up, and all it's gotten me is a dead mother and a father who's going on trial in twelve hours' time!”

Lily winced. She had not known that. She gritted her teeth and bore the brunt of James's anger, because otherwise he would unload on someone far less capable of shaking it off. She looked down at her paper and only then noticed that her hands were shaking so badly she could hardly read. She hated James sometimes, sometimes when he made her feel like this, like she was with Vince. Truthfully, James was everything Vince was not, and he was everything she really needed. That did not mean, however, that he was wonderful all the time.

“Shit, Lily,” James said callously. His voice turned high, falsetto, feminine: “You've got to grow up!”

Lily crumpled the parchment in her hand and shoved it in her pocket, then stepped up to him, holding her wand in his face. “James,” she said quietly, “I don't want to look at you, so look for the stupid plants, and then lets go inside and never talk to one another again unless we have to.”

James snorted. “Nah, I'd much rather shag you.”

“Over my dead body!” Lily cried, but the idea was incredibly appealing. She felt herself give in and knew that he saw it, but she still pretended that she was going to fight him. Lily opened her mouth to tell him off and caught something in his demeanor, a desperate kind of need, perhaps, something that only she could fix—not without a fight, she thought…tread carefully, or he'll know all you're trying to do is comfort him.

“You'll say yes,” he told her.

“Really? What if I said no?”

“Are you going to say no?” he asked gruffly.

“I might,” Lily said to his, biting her lip. Sleeping with him here, now…it would go against everything she wanted—pride, dignity, self-control, and she was loathe to give up herself for such a reason. And yet, with James, she always seemed to do so. It was part of the reason she wanted to be with him so much, because he enraptured her so completely she could think of nothing else.

She could not see his eyes because the light was reflecting off his glasses and obscuring their transparency. Lily stood, poised to slap him if need be, just to get him going, and then James pulled her close. Lily felt a shameful, sudden, humiliating rush of warmth and wetness between her legs, soaking her knickers. Her face turned red, even though there was no way he could know, and she tried to pull back. James only kept on coming, his face tight and his eyes, (now that her hand had fallen to her side and her wand with it, revealing them), were blazing with some sort of lust. She could not tell whether he wanted to make her scream in pleasure or in pain. She was gasping, terrified, and his hands were rough as he moved her back against the same tree as before. Lily was so ready for him to take her there, so keyed up was she because of Vince.

He was hurting her and Lily loved it. Somehow his robe was gone—had she removed it?—and her nails were raking over his back through his shirt, and she was quite certain she heard it rip, but then again, he was breathing loudly in her ear, her heartbeat was racing loudly, and her whimpers and cries were echoing through the forest, virtually drowning out every possible alternative sound. Her back was scarping against the bark of the tree.

Lily's throat was so raw by the time she came that she could hardly make a sound. She would have screamed, but all that came out was a strangled whisper. James, whose mouth was pressed against her previously injured shoulder where her shirt had slipped off — no, it was ripped!—let out a guttural groan and bit down, hard, as he climaxed inside her.

“Alright, Lily?” he moaned, trying to achieve normality. “Satisfied enough?”

She looked down at his red lips and his tousled hair and could not bring herself to rejoin with a scathing comment. Her chest was heaving and she lowered her trembling legs, her arms sliding from his neck and falling against the tree. She braced herself and almost fell, a small gasp escaping her lips. James steadied her, his hands sliding effortlessly under all her layers and resting high on her ribcage. Lily shook her head, avoiding his eyes, and tried to grip the tree. James reached one hand down and pulled up her trousers and knickers, breathing heavily against her cheek as he buttoned them with one hand. Lily eyes fluttered shut and when he let her go, she slid down and sat on the snowy ground, one hand over her mouth and the other over her stomach.

“Right. Maybe we should go get some of those plants,” James said, picking up the fallen basket.

Lily glanced up at him and noticed that his breathing was just as labored as hers. She shook her head; James lit his wand and began to look around the forest floor for any of the herbs they were supposed to collect. Lily wondered just how messed up his mother's death had made him. He blew hot, then cold; he was kind, then cruel; he flirted and then he got depressed.

“What are you doing?” Lily asked, finding her voice.

“What do you mean?” James asked innocently, glancing over at her.

“Don't you care?” she whispered, and he cocked his head. He had not heard her. She clamped her mouth shut and he came closer. When she refused to speak again, he knelt in front of her. “Can't you—don't you care?” she repeated.

“About what?” James murmured.

“About what just happened!” Lily exclaimed. “How can you possibly stand there and be so calm after what we just did!”

“I don't really care, Lily,” James told her, quite dispassionately, but she knew he was lying. He had told her he cared for her, hadn't he? “I don't need this right now—I don't need this right now…Lily, I don't care, I just want…you…” He put his hands in his hair and tugged, looking quite mad. Lily would have done it for him, but if she touched him he would probably recoil.

“Do you really have to be so cold? Lie to me…”

“I'm not cold,” James disagreed, looking uneasy, running his hands through his hair and rubbing them on his robes.

“Yes, you are.” Lily met his eyes defiantly. “You're just like Vince. You're like ice.”

“Don't say that!” James growled.

“Why not?”

James moved closer to her. “I'm nothing like him, Lily!”

“You're just like him, James. You two really aren't so different, I've noticed. You…both do exactly the same things to me—I just seem to enjoy it with you because I've always been a bit twisted in the head, you know?” Her voice was bordering on hysterical.

“Don't say that to me,” James repeated. “Vince doesn't care because he's incapable. I just don't want to!”

“And why NOT?” Lily yelled, her nails digging into his bicep.

“Because that's not what I DO!” James exploded, jumping up. “I don't care about girls like that! What—you think I had any idea what I was doing when I agreed to this crazy arrangement? No! I didn't! And now everything's different but no—Lily doesn't change—you're still just THERE. WITH MALFOY! And you expect me to watch you and still care about you? You're treating me like shit, Lily! I deserve more than what you're giving me because—because in the end,” he continued, his voice dropping to a sudden, quiet tone, “I'm the one who's got your virginity, and I'm the one who cared about you more, and I need you more, but you're not giving me a thing—”

“And whose BLOODY fault is that?” Lily yelled, struggling to her feet. “You kept on telling me that it was just fucking, just shagging, that we should keep a distance and you—you told me not to fall for you, ever! And you expect me to treat you like a god? I tried—James, I tried on the—after the article in the Prophet, and I tried today but all you've done is cut me down and then you shagged me and I—James, I just don't want to you to get hurt—I'm—”

“You're prancing around with Malfoy,” James cut in at a shout, “all happy and hunky dory even though he doesn't give a shit about you, even though he fucks you and doesn't even let you come—you're still with him! How screwed up is that, Lily? He's just using you!”

“I'm NOT LIKE THAT!” Lily screamed back, her throat burning. “I don't go back to the abusive boyfriend—”

James cut her off with a laugh, throwing his head back and gasping for air. “Oh—Lily—you're so bloody blind. You think just because he was raised not to hit you means he doesn't want to? That's the kind of thing that would get him off. You think you're so strong and that you don't give in to abuse but you don't realize that he does abuse you. And every time, don't ask me why, you just go back to him!”

Lily felt a flash of white-hot pain as his words hit home, and was unable to identify the source. She pushed the knowledge and the pain aside and pushed herself away from the tree. “James, you listen to me, okay? If Vince is using me, then I don't care. You are so fucked up with everything right now that if you got a girlfriend all it would do is complicate your feelings—”

“If?” James yelled. “If he's using you? Are you taking the mickey, Lily, or are you just really stupid? He wants Rebecca so he can rape her and use her and hand her over to Voldemort, and the only way to get close to her was through you! Why the hell you think he never pressured you, hmm?”

“What has Vince pressuring me got to do with anything?” Lily asked shakily.

“You're not that much of a follower, Lily. If he had forced you he knew you would have hexed him and dumped him and then his chances would be ruined. Don't you realize how long he's been planning this? You don't mean shit to him, Lily.”

“SO? It's not like you treat me any better, James!”

“What are you—you—BREAK UP WITH HIM!”

Lily gaped at him. Was he seriously ordering her to break up with her boyfriend? Not suggesting—not asking—but ordering? “NO!”

“Lily, I'm warning you—”

“What'll you do to me, James? Are you going to hit me? Are you going to pull a Vince Malfoy? Here's some news for you—I don't do what you say, alright? So you can just shut up and pick your bloody plants, because I'm not helping you!”

“Lily—” he began furiously, and she pushed past him and ran out of the forest, shivering. She had forgotten her cloak and her robes. She hurried up to the castle and made her way inside, sprinting through the halls until she reached the Gryffindor common room and went up to her room, collapsing onto her bed and staring furiously up at the top of her canopy all night long.

……

The next morning Lily got out of bed before dawn, staring blankly out her window at the roiling clouds (it was surely going to rain again) and winced as her muscles screamed. Soreness had set in—what was she going to tell Vince? She took a hot bath and was out and about the castle by six-thirty.

She happened upon nobody, but she was shocked when she entered the Entrance Hall and saw Clark Potter standing by the doors, looking both out of place and strangely at home. Lily tried to back out again but instead, she started forward, for she knew he had seen her.

“Good morning, Mr. Potter,” she said awkwardly, wondering what he was doing here. Wasn't he supposed to be in a courtroom today, awaiting his fate?

“Good morning, Lily,” he replied kindly. For some reason, Lily got the impression that he had just remembered her name. “You haven't happened to see James lately, have you?”

“Oh. No,” she answered, meeting the older man's eyes. She had to look away. “I haven't.”

Clark Potter frowned. “I was supposed to come get him at…seven. That blasted boy—always late—”

He said it somewhat affectionately, and Lily could not fault him. This was not the man she had met before. He looked ravaged. Lily wondered how he could possibly deal with everything that had happened to him.

Just imagine, a voice inside her said, if someone you have been opposing for a good part of your life killed James—and then you were blamed. “It's twenty of,” she told Mr. Potter, and he sighed.

“Forgive me, Lily,” he said formally. He smiled, somewhat wryly. “I'm not myself, for obvious reasons.”

“Mr. Potter,” Lily started, “I feel like—I've never—I am so, so…”

“It's alright,” he said quietly. “I just…I know everything will right itself in the end. They're not getting away with this,” he said darkly, almost to himself. “James isn't growing up labeled a murderer's son.”

“You're not a murderer,” Lily told him, wanting to leave. She had no idea what she was doing. What if she made it worse?

“I know,” he said firmly. “It's only that I worry about James so much. His mother and he were—” He swallowed and pinned his dark, commanding gaze on Lily. “Please help him.”

“Oh, Mr. Potter—we aren't—we're not—”

“Even so, Lily, I'd appreciate it if you would come to the funeral. It's in three days' time—”

“Mr. Potter,” Lily interrupted, “I really shouldn't. Really.”

He seemed to understand, although he sighed and rubbed his forehead. “Alright then. If you see James—”

“Dad? Why are you early?”

Lily whipped around, her limbs protesting, and there James was, looking obnoxiously well-rested. He threw a shocked glance at her when he saw her conversing with his father and walked forward, standing next to his Mr. Potter.

Mr. Potter furrowed his brow. “I don't—yes, I remember now. I had to see Profess—Albus. He's coming, you know. Excuse me for just a moment.”

Abruptly, James's father left them, standing together. Lily would not look at him.

“Stop that,” James said, sounding irritated.

“Stop what?” Lily asked.

“Not looking at me. It's distracting.”

“Shouldn't Sirius go with you?” Lily asked suddenly, looking up. James stared at her, quite gobsmacked.

“He…no, he can't.”

“Why not?” Lily queried, stepping forward urgently. “Really. You shouldn't be alone for this…”

James looked at her coolly. “Your boyfriend will be there to keep me company. He's coming to watch.” He leaned against the wall, crossing his arms. He took in her expression. “Didn't know that, did you?” he said, with some satisfaction.

“I…no, I didn't.”

James sighed, picking at a loose thread on his sleeve. “Right. You know what, Lily, I think I'm going to go wait outside. And don't look so alarmed—I won't get into a fight with any Malfoys or Snapes, I won't cry or kill myself or anything—really, they can't say my dad's guilty, can they? The Ministry loves him. He'll be declared innocent, you'll see.”

Lily stared at his set face and felt somewhat better herself. Thank god, she thought. The word of the Malfoys would be nothing compared to Clark's. “Alright then, James. Say good luck to your father for me.” She turned to go, but his words stopped her.

“And Lily?”

“Yes?”

“Go get some sleep, or put on a glamour-charm. You look like shit.”

……

The rain broke at midday when Lily was in History of Magic. She stared out at it, wondering how James was doing and whether his father had gone home yet. At some point, class ended and Lily followed Rebecca down to lunch, sitting next to her and staring up at the ceiling. She wanted it to open up so all the rain could pour over her.

“You have to eat, Lily,” Rebecca told her. Lily glanced at her friend and frowned. “Come on, Lily,” Rebecca pressed. “You're going to collapse from exhaustion.”

Sleep.

Lily looked at Rebecca and smiled. “Don't worry, Rebecca,” she said quietly, “I'll be fine. Could you just tell Professor Kettleburn and then Professor Sprout that I'm not feeling well?”

Rebecca gave her a strange look. “Lily—we won't have Care of Magical Creatures or Herbology—the weather's too bad.”

Lily relaxed. “Brilliant. I need some sleep.”

Rebecca gave her another strange look, the glanced around the room. “Lily, where's James?”

“His father's trial,” Lily replied immediately. Rebecca gave her a horrified look and Lily shook her head. “Don't worry. He can't possibly be guilty.”

Rebecca gripped Lily's arm, but Lily shook her off. “I have to go take a nap,” she said, her voice slightly high-pitched. “Please let go.”

Rebecca snatched her hand back. “Have a good sleep, Lily,” she said quietly, and that was that. Lily hurried back to her room, feeling incredibly strange. She felt…as if she was putting on a show, but for whom, she did not know. She put her books down on the floor by her bed and climbed on, lying on her stomach and letting the sound of the rain pounding on the room lull her into a deep sleep.

She woke with a start some hours later and looked out the window. It was drizzling lightly now, and the sun was invisible. She frantically looked around for her clock and saw that it was almost six. She jumped out of bed and combed her fingers through her hair, rubbing sleep from her eyes and hurrying down to the common room. It was full of people, none of them people she wanted to see. Glancing around to make sure no one saw her, she headed to the boys' staircase. A first year girl looked at her strangely and Lily drew herself up taller. “Head's business,” she said, and the first year shrugged, walking away from the staircase. She climbed all the way up to the top floor and knocked on the door, just then realizing she would need a reason to drop by.

Remus opened the door, his face grave, and he stiffened when he saw her. “Lily,” he muttered, looking around shiftily. “Um…do you…is there something you need?”

Lily looked past him and noticed her cloak and a set of her school robes draped over a chair. “Er—yes! I needed my cloak. And my robes. I'll just get them, shall I?”

She pushed past him and went over to the chair, picking up the bundle of cloth and holding it in her arms. As she did so, a book that had been lying on the chair was revealed. She read the title and stopped dead, feeling Remus come up behind her.

An Insider's Guide to Career-Searching for Werewolves.

Remus snatched up the book and threw it on his bed. “Just some research,” he said hastily.

Lily counted chairs and realized she had been mistaken. James's chair was over by his bed. This was Remus's. James had probably thrown her clothes on the nearest chair and then dropped on his bed without saying anything. She could see him doing that.

She turned to face Remus and stepped away at the look of fear in his eyes. She swallowed hard. “Remus—I—”

“Don't tell anyone,” he said quietly. “Please.”

“I would never,” Lily replied immediately. So many things made sense now. Lily bit her lip, needing to think of something else besides Remus Lupin as a werewolf. “Is…is James back?”

Remus's entire countenance changed. He suddenly gained a resigned, grave air about him. “Yes.”

Lily stared at him, just then remembering Rebecca's desperate and fearful behavior at lunch. “And his—”

“Guilty.”

Lily dropped her robes and steadied herself against the chair. “They can't—that's not possible!”

“It's bad, Lily,” Remus said. “He just—he went outside and Sirius and Peter are out there looking for him…”

“I think I should—should go,” Lily said, stooping to pick up her robes and hurrying to the door.

“Lily!” Remus called after her.

She turned to face him, breathing hard.

“Please don't tell anyone,” Remus said, “please.”

She shook her head, then nodded, the laughed, albeit unsteadily. “Don't worry. You can—you can trust me.”

She was out the door. She dropped her robes off in her room and pulled on her cloak, then raced outside, into the drizzle. A fine mist coated her hair in just moments as she stopped to choose which direction to go in. She closed her eyes and thought of all the things James had ever said to her—he loved Hogsmeade, she knew, and also Diagon Alley, but he could hardly get there from Hogwarts! He loved…the lake, and the small hiding places made by the trees and the rocks. The rain washed down over Lily, bringing certainty. That's where James would be: the lake.

She set out at a run and stopped halfway along the right bank, where the shore of the lake was. Just feet away, the Forbidden Forest began. She swatted her way through trees and squinted in the rain, then quite suddenly almost tripped over him, sitting under the shelter provided by a huge, gnarled oak.

She fell to her knees so hard that the shocks made her bite her lip in pain, but she ignored it and put her arms around him tightly, feeling him grasp her forearms with his hands and bend his face against the backs of his hands. Lily buried her face into the place where neck became shoulder and pressed her mouth against the damp skin. He's not wearing a cloak, she thought vaguely, shivering, or a jumper…just his shirt.

“Break up with him,” James told her, his voice barely a whisper. Lily nodded fiercely into his shirt, inhaling deeply.

“I will.” She looked up him, tightened her fingers in his, and ran her hand down his chest. “I will.” She twisted his shirt in her hands and tried to hug him tighter, but he was unresponsive. After a while, Lily pulled back and away a little, getting up on her knees in front of him. James stared over her shoulder at the lake; Lily was acutely aware of the sound of the rain slapping on the surface and then sliding under the lake. Lily imagined how each drop created a never-ending ripple and then was pulled down beneath the surface, melding into a larger whole. Lily also imagined that James was staring at the same thing she was thinking of.

“Could you…would you come to my mother's funeral?” he asked. “It's in…three days.”

Lily swallowed, opened her mouth to say yes, was unable to deny him anything ever again, not James, not James—but all that came out was, “I shouldn't.”

Even Lily had to think about this for a moment. Earlier Clark had asked her and she had truly thought it would be wrong for her to attend—but this, this was different—she wanted to go, she wanted to keep James company. And yet…she couldn't say yes. Why? Why?

Something solid settled between them, something dark and hideous and horrible and consuming. Lily had no idea what could be going on. She wanted to say yes, dammit! She needed to explain this to him, explain that this couldn't be her choice, this person who was refusing him wasn't her—she wasn't that cold, she couldn't, wouldn't turn her back on him…

“Leave,” he said roughly, his breath ragged, and Lily shook her head, still trying to tell him but unable to do so. James shoved her away, deaf to her quiet but desperate protests to listen…James slowly raised his eyes to look at her. “LEAVE!” he yelled, startling her. The urge to yell back at him came and passed, as did the urge to cry, but that was gone, because crying was unnecessary and he had a simple request. It took some time, but in the end, one thing happened.

Lily left.

……

The uncut scene in the middle can be found here: http://www.livejournal.com/users/sarinileni/14288.html

This is where we left off, okay? So that means…the next chapter has NEVER BEEN SEEN before. YES!!! Chapter 27, everyone. In a week. Just a week…whoot!

http://www.livejournal.com/userinfo.bml?user=thegreatbreak

Join the community, read the intros, introduce yourself—remember to FLOCK!...

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27. Chapter Twenty-Seven: Of Breaking and Purity

A/N: The song Stairway to Heaven is AMAZING. Even if you can't listen to it, I recommend that you look up the lyrics and read them before or after you read this flipping 30 page chapter.

Title: Lust…or Love?
Author: Sarinileni
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. Not at all. In the slightest.

Mature Subject Matter
Chapter 27: Of Breaking and Purity
Date Begun: Tuesday, March 01, 2005
Date Finished: Monday, March 28, 2005
Date Posted: Tuesday, May 10, 2005

……

[Stairway to Heaven, by Led Zeppelin]

……

Lily truly meant to break up with Vince, but when she did not see him at breakfast the next day and she did not have Potions, her only class with him, she was unable to do so. She did not go to lunch because she had to finish her essay for Transfiguration, and she could feel James's level gaze on her throughout the entire day. Lily had no time to talk to anyone, really. Her grades were going to slip and her work was piling up with every passing day. She had no idea how James was getting through it, but she had her suspicions when she saw that his friends looked just as tired as he, probably from staying up and doing some of James's work.

Lily was beginning to wonder whether Vince was avoiding her. She went to the library after classes ended and spread out all her Charms materials. Lily was struggling in Charms, and Lily Evans did not struggle in Charms.

Before she had gotten into her work for ten minutes James sat down across from her and slammed her book shut. Lily looked up and glared at him, still trying to be angry because of the way he had yelled at her last night, but could not help but soften. He looked horrible, even though she had the sneaking suspicion that he was wearing a Glamour Charm.

“Well?” he asked quickly, leaning forward. Apparently he was not as angry as he had been last evening.

“Well, what?” Lily questioned, batting his hands from her book and looking for the page she had been on.

“Well…did you break up with him?”

Lily kept her eyes on her book and flushed.

“Lily!” James said, pushing off the table and leaning back in his chair, looking disgusted. “You said you would!”

“I know,” she hissed, looking around, “but I haven't seen him at all today!”

“He was at lunch!”

“And I wasn't!” Lily replied. “James—look, I promise I'll do it as soon as I can. I can't give you anything else.”

He held her gaze and then dropped it. “Fine. You better, though.”

He got up and began to walk away, but Lily stopped him.

“What's it to you?” she called loudly, surprising herself. Several people shushed them and Madame Pince gave them a dirty look.

“What?” he asked, walking back to her table.

“You heard me. Why do you want me to break up with him so badly? What'll you do, then?” Lily toyed with her quill and tried not to glare at him, biting her lip.

He raised an eyebrow, his cynicism apparent. For just a moment, he reminded of how he used to be, but then he was back to his strange, worn countenance. He looked as if he was ten years older than his real age. “Then,” he said to her, “I'll date you.”

Lily threw down her quill and stretched her arms over her head. “Really?” she asked, trying not to think about how wrong this was. How could she be flirting with James after so much had happened? How could she pretend to be okay like this? How could he pretend things were okay? “What makes you so sure I'll date you? What if you ask me out and I say no?”

James leaned across the table and picked up a lock of her hair, twirling it in his fingers. Lily found that she liked flirting with James very much, even if he looked as though he was making an effort. “Date me?” he whispered in her ear, tugging on her hair. Helplessly, Lily nodded, and he kissed her lightly, unabashed that someone might see, his other hand weaving into the hair at the back of her neck.

Lily felt something shift in the air and pulled back. “Vince is coming,” she whispered, and James pulled back quickly, frowning.

“How do you know that?” he demanded.

Over his shoulder, Lily saw that Vince had just entered the library and was looking around. “Quick!” she hissed. “Go!”

“Break up with him!” James hissed back, disappearing behind a set of shelves. Lily looked up as Vince came over to her, still knowing that James was there and listening in.

“Hello, Lily,” he said smoothly, sitting down where James had. “Heard the news?”

“What news?” she asked, looking up at him. She had not seen him in two days, and his first words were, `Heard the news'?

“Clark Potter.” Vince smiled. “Guilty.”

Lily frowned. “Oh,” she said, biting her lip and picking up her quill. “Should I be happy or something?”

Vince laughed. “Maybe it'll make Potter a little less unbearable, now that everyone knows what trash he comes from. Honestly! A Slytherin who married a Gryffindor. She got what she deserved, in the end.”

Lily gripped her quill tightly, almost bending it in two. “Vince—”

“Where were you at lunch today?” Vince asked, interrupting her. Lily sighed in frustration.

“I was here,” she snapped, “doing work. I'd rather not fail.”

Vince rolled his eyes. “Calm down, Lily.”

Lily pushed down so hard with her quill a little rip appeared in the parchment. She looked up and saw that Vince had noticed; his eyebrow was raised and he was smiling slightly. All of a sudden, she felt his foot rubbing against her ankle. Lily shut her eyes and counted to ten, the opened her eyes and prepared to tell him off.

She could not. She could not speak for a moment. She tried again, and finally the words came. “Vince—stop it.”

He sighed and took his foot away. “Fine,” he said. “I'll see you later, Lily.” He got up and Lily crumpled up her parchment, then realized that she had forgotten to break up with him.

What was happening to her? How could she forget something like that? Lily got up and began to look for James, certain he was still in the library. She found him within easy earshot, holding a huge book upside down and looking angry.

“Did you hear that?” she asked, taking the book from his hands, closing it, and putting it back on the shelf. As if James cared about the exact events in the Goblin War of 453 BC.

He nodded, tight-lipped, and Lily sighed. She motioned to the floor and sat, soon followed by James.

“Talk, yet?” Lily asked calmly, leaning back against a shelf. There was so little space between the stacks that her shins, even as her legs were crossed, were pressed up against James's.

“I'm fine,” James said, his voice deceptively light. “It's nothing but the usual. Everyone's saying that I'm going to show my true colors soon, that I'm going to up and kill someone.” He shrugged. “Really. It doesn't matter because I know it's not true and that's enough for me—”

“You don't have to pretend with me, James,” Lily scolded, running her hand along his leg. James peered at her in the gloom of the dusty stacks and shrugged again.

“Don't I? Isn't it easier for you if I pretend to be alright?” He cocked his head to the side and waited for an answer.

Lily had known a confident, self-assured, if slightly arrogant boy. This was something new. This was a James she had never met before, and he was fast taking her under his spell with this side of him, as well.

“I never asked for easy,” she whispered, gluing her eyes to his. “Back there—when you were flirting with me—that was…forced. You shouldn't have…you've got valid reasons to be angry, James. You've had a very unfair month or so. You being okay kind of scares me.”

James shut his eyes. “I am…so, so tired,” he confessed, opening his eyes and looking at her. “I haven't slept in…days? Maybe weeks. I don't know.”

Lily reached slowly for her wand. “May I?” she asked, motioning with it to his face. He nodded after a slight hesitation and then Lily said, “Finite Incantatem!” His glamour fell away and Lily studied his haggard, sunken face, taking in the deep hollows beneath his eyes, the pale color of his skin, and the bloodshot veins in the whites of his eyes. She sighed and ran her fingers along his leg again.

“How bad is it?” he asked, his voice cracking. Lily stared at him, alarmed, and shrugged.

“You're okay,” she told him. “As well as can be expected.”

James paused and stared off into the distance, opening his mouth and closing it several times. “Lily…I miss you—very much.” He swallowed hard; Lily knew it was hard for him to say such a thing and she took a deep breath, having nothing to respond with. She stared right into his eyes, hoping that he could interpret what she was feeling for him, because there were no words for it. For a moment, he looked confused, but then some sort of intangible understanding passed between them and James moved his hand to pick up hers, which was inches away.

Suddenly Lily was cold.

She wasn't just chilly—she was freezing, dying, swirling into a pit of water in dead of winter, the stars just a patch above her. She felt as if she was enclosed in liquid—she was unable to breathe. Pain—all she could feel was pain, starting from her chest and spreading outwards. She thought she heard something snap or crack into two pieces; her entire body felt like it was being ripped apart, pulled in two opposite directions. She wanted to scream, but all she could do was gasp sharply. She felt something sudden and real, not phantasmal, and she crashed back into reality; James had pinched her wrist.

“Lily?” he ventured, gripping her hand tightly. “What just happened?”

Lily blinked, trying to get her bearings. “I…I don't know. But I feel…better.”

It was true. The perpetual headache she had seemed to have since New Year's was gone. She had not known she had had one until it had gone. She felt light—free. Something had changed, yet Lily had no idea what it was. She cleared her throat. “Just forget it, James,” she told him, praying he would change the subject. She would think about it…late. After she had helped him.

“How's your relationship with your mother?” he asked, taking her silent advice. “We never really talked about your family too much.”

Lily jumped enthusiastically for the easy out and began to tell him about her childhood, and how her father's parents were wonderful but her maternal grandparents were slightly standoffish, because she and her sister were half-Irish, although only Lily looked it. Lily loved her mother very much and told him how terrible she felt for not writing to her parents as often as she should. She had never told him anything so personal and found that she liked talking about herself, only because she was making him laugh, even if he was laughing too hard at jokes that were not the slightest bit funny and even then, only randomly.

When she had exhausted herself with stories and told him everything she could think of, he put his hands around her upper arms and tugged, so she was pulled onto her knees. Lily put her arms around him and he pressed his face into her robes, just above her breasts, his head warm, heavy, and right. James slid his hands to the small of her back and kept them there, steadying her. Lily moved her hands to his hair and began to sift her fingers through it, then told him to wash it, otherwise he would become just like Snape and she would never sleep with him again (even though she did not give a damn how clean his hair was, as long as it was attached to a living James—not that she would ever tell him that). He laughed a little and pulled back, looking up at her, his eyes clear and bright behind his glasses. Very seriously, very quietly, and very shockingly, James Potter told her that he loved her.

Lily saw from the strange look in his eyes that he had not meant to say that in the least; perhaps he had not known he felt that way in the first place. Indecision quickly followed in his eyes, then resignation, as she stared down at him, her lips slightly parted in shock. He thought himself stupid for telling her, Lily realized.

Strangely, Lily did not want to say it back, even though she knew he wanted her to. It was not…the right time. She felt something so powerful welling up inside her she was afraid it would all spill out, like water boiling over in a saucepan. Instead, she leaned down and kissed him lingeringly, her mouth open and willing against his, if he wished to take it. He did not, kissing her open-mouthed with only his lips and not his tongue, his breath mingling with hers. Lily thought it was the sexiest, most erotic, most mind-blowing kiss she had ever received from him—or Vince, she realized, on second thought. She was finding it hard to think when he was kissing her like this, so she gave in and forgot everything else, giving her all to James.

……

The next time James asked her to go to his mother's funeral (two hours after their meeting in the library), Lily said yes after a slight pause, almost waiting for a hand to weigh down on her, lightning to strike before her, to force her to say no. Instead, James gave her a smile and pressed her hand in his before continuing down the hall, moving slowly. Lily knew his father would be free to attend the funeral on that day, and that it was going to be only friends, meaning there was no danger of Vince being there. There was to be a large memorial service at the Ministry, but the funeral was at James's home.

Lily missed it.

She missed Godric's Hollow, and she also missed her own home. She went through classes in a haze for the next few days, and on Friday, she told Vince that she was going to be studying all weekend, and not to wait for her at meals; she would just go down to the kitchens.

He did not seem to be listening. Lily preferred it that way, and she was able to sneak down to Hogsmeade with very little trouble. James, Sirius, Remus, and Peter were waiting there, and his friends looked slightly surprised when she showed up. Remus murmured something to Sirius, who whispered back, his eyes on Lily. Lily stood awkwardly as James threw out his wand hand and the Knight Bus appeared with a BANG!

The paid their fares, boarded, and settled in for the long ride to Godric's Hollow. Lily saw Sirius go up and speak quietly to the driver, who threw a look over his shoulder and then nodded. Sirius came back and said they would be arriving at Godric's Hollow in four hours, instead of the overnight trip.

“Did you know,” Sirius said, “that they've changed when you can do magic? The Ministry, I mean.”

Lily looked up. “What?”

“I heard it from my dad, I think. I mean—you've always been of age at seventeen, but now you can do magic then too, even if you're not out of school. Now you can only do magic once you're fully trained—it's effective immediately if you were born before September 1st, but the gits haven't told anyone yet. I suppose that's why your dad didn't tell you, James, so he could keep you in line. I mean—we can do magic. We don't have to be out of school in order to do it.”

“Why?” Lily asked.

Sirius paused. “I reckon they want as many people as possible who are able to fight against Voldemort,” he said quietly. “Everything's different because of him…”

Lily had stopped listening and was alternating between staring out the window and at James, whose gaze was firmly fixed outside of the glass, on the rapidly moving countryside. The lurching of the Knight Bus made it impossible for her to sleep, especially since she was sitting in an armchair and it was only just getting dark outside. To pass the time, Lily reached into her bag and pulled out one of the essays she had brought with her, and began writing about Human Transfigurations, keeping her mind of anything else and putting down fact after fact in the neatest writing she could, considering where she was. By the time she finished and her last period had been placed on the page, she looked up, then glanced at her watch, and saw that there was still an hour and a half of their journey left.

She leaned her head back and tried to sleep, but was jolted awake every minute or so. It was a torturous hour and half, with Sirius and Remus and Peter talking quietly to one another, and Lily thinking vaguely, abstractly, about James.

The controls had shifted from his hands to hers, ever since the day his mother died. Before, Lily had had no worries about seeing James, because he kept on pushing to get her to break up with Vince, kept on pushing to get her talk to him. Her talks with James were either frivolous or they were explosive arguments. Now—Lily had to seek him out. James had stopped steering—their relationship was up to her.

Stan finally announced they had reached Godric's Hollow. Lily glanced and James and saw that he was ashen as he got up, almost sickly looking. They descended from the bus, Lily considerably warmer to Stan than she had been on her last ride. He winked at her and Lily waved before the bus disappeared.

They began to walk up the path to the house. The enchanted flowers had died with no one to renew the spells. The house was not dirty on the outside, but Lily sensed that there was a darkness about it. The windows seemed to droop, the door seemed to sag, and there was no smoke coming out of the chimney. It did not look like the house Lily had stayed at for a week.

James opened the door, his movements halted, and Peter was the first to walk inside when no one else did. Remus glanced and James and then Sirius before going in, and Sirius hesitated the longest. He opened his mouth to say something to James and Lily hastened to go inside so they could be alone. She knew James would not want to enter the house, and she knew Sirius would talk him into it.

Sirius put an arm in front of her, blocking her way. Lily stared at him and he shrugged, a bitter smile on his face. “Like I said,” he told her, “everything's changing.”

Sirius left her alone to persuade James to enter the house. Lily stared after him, shell-shocked and almost pathetically sad. She had no right to come in and take away Sirius Black's importance in James's life. James was standing on the steps, looking unsure. Lily put her hand on his arm and then went inside. As she had suspected, Sirius was standing just inside the door, and he jumped when he saw her.

“Sirius,” she said in a low voice, “not everything's changing.”

Sirius struggled with his words. “Yes,” he finally came out with. “But you're the one who…you would be able to…I'm going to the kitchen, Lily. Just bring James in, would you?” He stalked off and Lily was left to go outside and talk to James. She shut the door behind her and sat down, then pulled him down to the steps with her. “Do you want to go in, yet?” she asked, and he shook his head. “Okay,” she replied. “Why not?”

James licked his lips and shrugged. Lily nudged him with her shoulder and stayed pressed up against his side, leaning her head on his shoulder. After ten minutes of a hesitant, waiting silence, James licked his lips again. “It's…I've lived in there all my life…and those memories. Now what do I do with them?”

“You use them,” Lily murmured. “To remember her.”

“That's not good enough,” James said sharply. “I want her back. That's what I want more than anything. I want my Mum to come back.”

“She's not coming back, James,” Lily said gently. James took a deep breath and a chilly, brisk wind blew her hair into their faces. Lily pushed it back from her mouth and put her hand on James's back, running it up and down absently. “She's not coming back.”

“And it's not my fault,” James said, somewhat petulantly. “I wish I could have warned her but I didn't know…I mean Rebecca basically let me know, but not with any detail. She just said sorry. Okay. You're sorry. Great. What was I supposed to do with that? Say thanks? Automatically know what was going to happen? It's not like I knew. Fuck—and my father? He would…it wouldn't—he could never, never, never, kill—oh, damn,” James said, cutting himself off and unable to finish. “I feel like I'm going to be sick.” He leaned over and put his head between his knees, his breath quick and ragged. No, Lily thought, is he going to cry?!

He straightened back up and Lily saw that his eyes were dry. She sighed with relief and he looked at her, seeing it in her face. He smiled wryly.

“Lily,” he said, his voice suddenly flat, as though he was disappointed with her, “could I please be alone?”

She nodded and then got up slowly, keeping her hand on his shoulder. Then she opened the door and went inside.

……

Later that night, Lily learned that Sirius, Remus, and Peter always stayed in the rooms in the hallway off the kitchen, a corridor she had not known existed. Sirius hesitantly explained to her that the reason no one had ever stayed in what Lily called her room was Sabia's attachment to it. It had been the room she had slept in when she and Clark had separated.

“But then why did she let me sleep there?” Lily asked, rather dismayed.

Sirius shrugged, just as the door opened and James walked in. “I don't know. Maybe she saw something in you.”

James then shut himself in his room and the rest of them ate dinner, then fell into an awkward silence around the kitchen table. Lily announced that she was going to bed and washed her plate quickly, knowing they wanted to talk about her. She left with a simple goodnight and picked up her bag, then went to her room and opened the door.

The bag fell from her limp fingers. First, she noticed the burn marks on the door to the bathroom. The knob was gone. She snatched her fingers from the hallway doorknob her hand still rested on, but there was no trace of violence on it. On the outside, the door was perfect, but the room within was completely trashed.

The beautiful mirror that had hung over the dresser had been shattered; pieces of glass covered the floor. The vase that always had fresh flowers in it was overturned. Lily could see a dark patch where the water had soaked into the carpet so deeply it had not dried. She stepped into the room, her shoes crunching over the broken glass, and she bent to pick up a dead flower.

Something was in her throat. Lily could hardly breathe as she turned in her place, looking around the room. Destruction was everywhere. Two of the bedposts were snapped off. Lily, sensing something terrible, stepped forward, the sound of glass being destroyed grating on her ears. She looked at the bed and saw the rumpled condition of the sheets, the blood—

She ran from the room and slammed the door, breathing hard. She snatched up her bag and went down the hall, down to James's room. She paused outside his door, breathing heavily, unsure of what to do. He must have heard her, because the door swung open and he stared patiently at her. He had taken off his Glamour Charm and he looked ragged around the edges, but better than he had that day in the library.

“Can I sleep with you?” she asked shakily.

It was a mark of how well he knew her that his eyes narrowed and he peered over her shoulder into the shadowy corridor. His hand closed over hers and Lily looked up to find him close enough to kiss. She shook her head desperately at him. “What's wrong?” he asked firmly. “Why here? Why not your room?”

“That,” Lily answered, “is not my room!”

James's expression changed. “What's in there, Lily?” he had asked warily.

“Nothing. I just…too many memories! I don't want to sleep up there! Besides…it's….”

“Liar!” James hissed, throwing her hand from his and trying to walk past her.

“Don't!” she gasped. “James—please, don't!” He tried to push her aside but she dug her heels in and held. “James—if you go in there, I swear to every deity in existence that I won't sit with you while you cry, because I am NOT watching you cry!”

“Why are you so afraid to see me cry?” James asked. He had gotten past her and was almost at the door. Lily tugged him back and managed to get him inside his room. She slammed the door shut with much effort.

“Because that's—that's not how it works!” Lily cried. “James—do not go in there!”

He halted, hearing the desperation in her voice. “Why?” he asked hollowly, his hand already falling from the doorknob of his own bedroom door. Lily laced her fingers through his and squeezed them tightly. James pressed her against the door and his head hit the wood, his breath warm against her cheek. Lily put her arms around him and maneuvered so one of her legs was between his, pressed up against him in a way she knew he loved. He tried to resist but she rocked against him and he sagged, groaning. She turned his face to kiss him but he turned away with an incoherent sound. She tried again and this time he propelled himself away from the wall and glared at her. “What is wrong with you?” he asked. “Why is your only means of comfort sex?”

“That's not true,” Lily responded angrily, vividly remembering the library.

“And why are you afraid to see me cry?” he demanded again. “What's so repulsive about…about seeing me cry?”

His voice was not thick and his eyes were clear, but Lily was still sure he would break down at any moment. She shrugged helplessly at him and he made a disgusted noise, looking her up and down, considering. After a beat, he sighed. “Come on,” he said gruffly, turning away.

“W-what?” Lily asked, confused.

“You do sleep, don't you? You're human enough for that, right?” He turned again.

“With you?” she squeaked, even though this had been her original request.

James turned and this time he came forward, grabbing her arm and dragging her over to his bed. “As if your spineless back could hold up against sleeping on the couch downstairs,” he said snidely.

“I'm not spineless,” Lily muttered. James made an incredulous sound.

“Don't fuck around,” he said harshly. “You've still got that bloody boyfriend of yours.”

“I don't want to talk about Vince,” Lily said lamely.

“You never want to talk about anything!” James countered hotly, tearing off his shirt and throwing it in the corner. “Merlin, Lily—all you do is lead me on again and again and again and I can't take it anymore! Do you hear me? Do you hear me?”

“What are you—are you mad? James—you and I agreed that this would be nothing and then you expressly told me to keep my feelings for you at bay, to not fall for you, as if that's possible…you expected all that, and every time I pushed you away because of it you considered it teasing? Are—you—mad? You expect me to miraculously be able to deal with everything that's been happening and I need time to…to adjust—James—”

James threw his trousers in the corner as well and ripped back the covers on his bed, not even listening to her, or perhaps simply ignoring what she was saying. “GET IN!” he roared.

Lily winced. “You're going to wake Sirius and Remus and Peter up.”

He grabbed her arm and violently began untying the drawstring of her trousers, pushing her down on the bed and tugging them off her legs, then throwing them to the side. Her shirt was loose enough to sleep in and she scrambled up on the bed, away from him; sensing that she was frightened, James got in on the other side and yanked the covers up, turning from her and settling down to sleep.

Lily lay by his side, terrified of what had just happened. She waited for a long time, staring at the ceiling, not moving, and then she turned over, looking at James. Without her noticing, he had turned onto his back and was lying there, his brow furrowed and his eyes trained on the ceiling. He blinked slowly, and Lily knew he was alive. She put her hand on his forehead and carefully stoked his hair; James shifted, yet Lily did not stop. She knew he would not wake.

Unbidden, Lily said, “Don't be angry with me, James,” and she put her head on his chest and tried to sleep. His chest rose evenly underneath her head and he put his arm around her waist, breathing hotly down onto her neck. She heard a change in his breathing and looked up, pushing herself up on her hands above him. Her hair brushed against his chest and he moved uncomfortably.

“Go on,” she said, her voice cracking. “Go on.”

James's breath caught in his throat. He shook his head, nodded, and then turned over and pressed his face into the pillow. She saw his shoulders shudder and felt so disgusted with herself that she could hardly think. How many days had he held up and then gone into his bed to cry, and how many times had she not been there? She lowered herself so she lay on her side next to him, one hand above his head, and the other sliding into his hair to play with it. He made an angry sound and punched his pillow; Lily moved closer, putting her hand on the small of his back and kneading out some of the tension. If only she could take some of it onto herself—

“Don't do that,” he gasped, shifting his head slightly to the side so Lily could only see a little bit of his face in the light of the moon.

“Don't do what?” she asked, perplexed.

“Put you hand there,” he muttered, and Lily snatched it back as if she had been burned, holding it curled up to her chest as if protecting it.

“W-why?”

He shook his head into his pillow. She saw his eyes squeeze shut and saw his hips and legs shift as he tried to get comfortable. Despite the intimacy of their relationship, Lily flushed red and bit her lip. “Oh. That. I'm sorry.”

“I don't want to feel like that right now,” he said miserably, “so you can leave. Please.”

She drew back as if he had slapped her; her eyes narrowed. “No.” She put both her hands in his hair and was able to turn his tearstained face so she could kiss his cheek. She only tasted salt. A few more tears leaked out from beneath his shut lids and Lily clumsily wiped them away with her fingers. Maybe there was nothing more beautiful and heart-wrenching in the world as seeing James cry. She put her head down next to his and moved so close that their noses were touching.

“You know how I feel about you, don't you?” she whispered, breathing hard. He shook his head violently, trying to turn his face away. Lily would not let him. She swallowed. She looked out the window over his shoulder and the stars spun crazily—the world tilted on its axis. It wheeled and wheeled around until she was dizzy with the force of it. Lily tugged on his hair and drew and deep, confused moan from him. Maybe he knew; he probably didn't say. There weren't any words for it, not even I love you.

She drifted off against the feeling of his back rhythmically rising up and down beneath her, and she half-woke during the night after her pillow had changed into something else—a real one--to see him standing by the open window, letting frigid air into the room.

For just that instant of consciousness, Lily felt the sharpest, most sudden, most painful feeling of grief and loss she had ever felt in her life—for the loss James had suffered—perhaps it was her heart that broke in two and ached deeply for the boy who had, within the past month, suddenly, undeservedly, become a man. Lily had always thought James would remain a boy forever, much like Peter Pan, but he had shed his innocence and gained something, something of strange quality that made him an undeniable leader—it was seriousness, confidence, gravitas. Within the space of two seconds' time, Lily realized just how broken James was, and just how much he needed to be healed—just how impossible it would be to heal him. Lily had no clue what to do for him but she tried to understand what James's loss entailed; how much love he had lost with his parents. How could someone live like that?

Unable to move or think, Lily shivered, made a sound because she was so cold, and fell back asleep, waking in the morning tucked against James and cocooned in blankets that smelled just like him. She moaned softly and rolled away from him, stretching. She turned back to get warm again and started when she saw that he was awake, blinking slowly, as if just having woken.

“Are you alright?” he asked hoarsely, his voice scratchy from sleep and tears. Lily shook her head and moved closer to her, entwining her bare legs with his and settling herself against the warmth of his chest.

“Now there's a question for you to answer,” she responded, drawing designs of his chest with her nails. She saw goosebumps on his arms and chest, but did not feel the smug satisfaction she normally did. She was too drained, and this was not the day for such a feeling.

He bent his head and she felt his lips upon her hair. Lily stroked his cheek and moved closer to him, her lips pressing against his chest in a light kiss.

“Not okay,” he mumbled, and Lily's head shot up so quick at the admission that she smacked him in the chin. He winced and stopped her from apologizing.

“Not okay?” she enunciated.

He shook his head, looking like a child. “No. I…there aren't any words.”

“Mmm,” Lily agreed. “There aren't.”

They stayed in silence, and then Lily opened her mouth hesitantly. “James…we're going back tomorrow afternoon, right?”

James nodded, and Lily took a deep breath. “Well, today…I need to go somewhere…after…and I won't come back until tomorrow.”

James looked down at her, a question in his eyes, but he did not ask it. He looked a little lost, knowing he would be without her for a night, but then the look was gone and he shrugged. “Don't worry about it. That's alright.”

“James.”

He looked at her again, his eyes slightly unfocussed. Lily knew what he was thinking about. “Don't go in that room,” she whispered, running her hands up his chest and squeezing his shoulders. James looked away guiltily and she squeezed his shoulders harder. “I mean it, James.”

He shrugged. “We have to be ready by eleven,” he told her. “It's just after nine.” He threw the covers back and they got out of bed, bumping into each other and humming and hawing and acting embarrassed. When there was a knock on the door, Lily went to get it and opened it, finding Sirius.

“Oh, good, you're here,” he said. “I went to the other room to talk to you, Lily, and did you see…?”

“Yeah,” she whispered, looking at the loo, where James was brushing his teeth. “Here—out in the hall.” She stepped into the corridor and shut the door, holding on to the handle so there was no way James could walk into their conversation.

“Shit—Lily, I think that's where—”

“Of course,” Lily snapped, but Sirius seemed unfazed. He was deep in thought. When he looked up, she knew what he was going to say.

“We've got to clean it up before he sees it, Lily. He'll snap, otherwise, and then it'll all be even more fucked up.” Sirius ran his hands through his hair and blinked. He was wearing loose trouser pants and a white shirt that Lily could see through if she tried hard enough. She did not. She only looked at the door, nodded mutely, and then followed him to her old room.

The mess looked even worse now that she had rested and was fully awake. The light from the day streamed into the room and played over the glass on the floor, flashing in Lily's eyes and momentarily blinding her. Sirius and Lily took out their wands and shut the door, then got to work. They first Summoned the glass to them, but then bits of glass were actually flying at them so they had to duck. They resorted to a Gathering Charm and were now gathering a square inch of glass with every spell and dropping the broken material into the dustbin. Then they had to get down on their hands and knees and search out each remaining piece of glass by hand and eye.

Next they tackled the sheets. Lily looked out in the hall to make sure James was not there and then lugged the sheets, pillowcases, and bedspread down to the laundry room, where she made a note to continue washing them later. She rushed back to the room and helped Sirius repair or destroy the mangled furniture. When they finished, the room look bare and there were still marks of a struggle—the bathroom door, the scratches on the wall where glass had made contact, and the absence of the mirror and the vase of flowers.

Lily and Sirius turned to leave, relieved that the worst of the evidence was gone, when something made Lily stop and turn. She strode over to the bathroom door and yanked it open, the bit her lip and shut her eyes. Some dust, a little blood--horrifying…She did a quick Scourgify and looked around, then froze.

“Sirius!” she called, stepping into the loo. She reached out a hand and grabbed the object that was resting on the floor by the counter, caught in the sunlight that had leaked in from the other room. It was ring with an incredibly familiar crest on it. She whirled and shoved it in Sirius's face. He held up his hands in surprise and then his expression changed when he saw what she held.

“Lily…” he began, turning it over in his fingers. “This is…” He swallowed. “Isn't this Vince Malfoy's?”

Lily nodded, her heart in her throat. If they could prove that Vince had been here, then surely Clark Potter would have grounds for a new trial!

Sirius frowned, deep in thought. “I don't…how could he possibly have gotten here that quickly and then gotten back to Hogwarts?”

“Apparation,” Lily said impatiently. “He can Apparate!”

Sirius shot a surprised look at her. “Why are you so antsy? This could put your boyfriend in prison if we talk to the right people. Plus his father, I'd bet. And his brother.”

Lily shook her head. “Let's go show James!” she said impatiently, snatching the ring from Sirius's hands. For a couple days after she had first slept with Vince, she had the impression of this ring on her thigh. She would never forget the Malfoy crest, not for as long as she lived.

“Wait—no!” Sirius cried, following her from the room and shutting the door. “You can't show that to James!”

Lily spun around angrily. “Why the bloody hell not?”

“Because you'll get his hopes up!” Sirius whispered fiercely, looking around to make sure there was no one listening. “I've known James a lot longer than you have, Lily. I know he'll go into overdrive over this and he'll drive himself mad trying to prove his father innocent. You can't tell him about this!”

“Then what do you suggest we do with it?” Lily demanded. “Just leave it?”

“No, stupid,” Sirius said, taking the ring from her. Lily let him. She did not like to touch it all that much. “I'll take care of it, okay? You just take care of James, and I'll take care of his dad and the ring. We're all stressed—now just go get ready for the service.”

Lily was tempted to argue, but she saw the validity in Sirius's statement and caved. “You better get Clark out of prison,” she said to him. “You'd better. James—well, you'd better.”

“I will,” Sirius told her, his gaze level and assessing. “Now go on. Get ready.”

Lily gave him a long-suffering sigh and went to change.

……

White.

That was all Lily saw as she turned to look around the cavernous room from her position in the front of the hall. The official color of mourning—purity of spirit, regeneration, rebirth…She looked to her left, where James was, and then to her right, where Remus stood. Remus gave her a small, awkward smile and then stared straight ahead.

James turned around every two minutes and glanced at the door. Lily knew he was looking for Clark, who was supposed to have arrived half an hour ago with an armed escort. Even Sirius, on James's other side, looked worried about where Mr. Potter was.

The gathering “of family and friends” apparently entailed about half the Ministry, as well as all the Potters' relations. Lily had trouble linking many of these people to James, and she had run out of the mental capacity to remember how many times a person had come up to offer their condolences and James had looked at him or her blankly, totally stumped as to his or her name or position. The only time he showed any emotion was when a woman who looked eerily like Sabia, except older and prettier, came up to him and stood in front of him. She carried herself with perfect posture—Lily knew, without a doubt, that this was James's formidable grandmother, whom he had met once. This woman, this dragon of a woman, as James said his parents portrayed her, looked imperious, implacable, and…vulnerable.

“James,” she said, the word sounding foreign on her tongue. Her white robes had no decoration whatsoever. Her face was haggard but still lovely; like her daughter, she was unnaturally thin.

James's back straightened with a snap. “Grandmother,” he answered formally, his hands clasping at the small of his back. Lily looked over his shoulder with wide eyes, and Sabia's mother caught sight of her.

“Who is this?” she asked, her voice quiet.

James turned, almost as if he didn't know what was happening. Lily shrugged.

“This is…Lily Evans,” James introduced awkwardly. Lily pressed her shoulder against his back so he could lean against her and still appear to stand up straight. It was a mark of James's upbringing that he refused to ease his posture and still remained straight.

“Evans,” the women said, then sighed. There was an unfailing disapproval on her face; James must have noted it, because he straightened even further, if that was possible, and there was a distinct chill in the air around him.

“Is there something wrong, ma'am?” James asked; Lily winced at the sound of that word coming from James's mouth.

“This is not the place for such a discussion,” Sabia's mother said coolly, sparing a glance at Lily, and then at Sirius, Remus, and Peter. “Young Mr. Black, is it?” she asked softly. “You're parents are attending.”

Sirius shrugged. The woman sniffed, then turned back to James, as if waiting for something. Finally, she spoke. “James, I know that I have…not been there, very often, but the circumstances have forced me to act.”

Circumstances? Lily raged, her fingers digging into James's shoulder.

“We've neither of us ever had a chance to talk, primarily because of your parents and their…stubbornness, shall I say? You much know how challenging it is for me to admit this, but you no longer have a stable home. Your education is the most important thing right now, and Hogwarts will never teach you what you're capable of. You need to have a place where you could be free of—outside distractions—” her pause was so subtle and her implication to Lily's presence was so masked that if Lily had not expected it, she would not have noticed “—perhaps we could even find a way to help your father. It doesn't look very good for him, and if you had enough time and the means to focus you could most probably manage to lighten his sentence.”

It was true, but if James went to live with his grandmother Lily would never be able to see him again, she was sure. James remained silent, contemplating, while his grandmother continued to list reasons why he should move into her home; Lily was terrified he was actually listening, but at the same time she felt a thrill of anticipatory pain. If this was how James could prove his father innocent, even though he and Lily wouldn't be able to see each other—it would be worth it. She opened her mouth to whisper for him to say yes, her hand clenched in his robes.

He lifted his head. “No, thank you.”

The woman stopped her litany, her eyes wide. People were beginning to stare.

“I said, no thank you,” James repeated, as if she had not possibly heard. “I think I'll be fine here. May I escort you back to your seat?”

Sirius stepped forward. “I will,” he said quickly, putting his hand on James's grandmother's arm and leading her gently back to where she had come from. James sat down, pulling Lily with him. Lily did not look at James, did not acknowledge what he had just done, probably for her.

At the moment, James was staring at the huge clock that decorated the wall of the Grand Room, above where the casket that held Sabia's body rested. Finally the cleric who was going to preside over the service approached James. Seeing his expression, the old man turned his gaze to Lily. She jerked her head towards Sirius, who had just sat down, but Remus put a hand on the man's arm and inclined his head. Lily looked to the side and saw that Sirius looked positively white. He looked as bad as James did.

“Ten minutes,” the cleric said quietly to Remus, and then he backed away. Lily leaned over and Remus sighed, looking at James and putting a hand on his shoulder.

“He says they'll wait ten more minutes for your dad, but then he's got to start if you still want to…perform the last rites at exactly noon.” Remus swallowed and then started back at the front of the room, his gaze fixed and steady. Lily had to admire his strength, as strange as he was. Knowing that he was a werewolf put a whole new spin on things. She was not frightened of him, per se—she now knew what all James's strange remarks meant. If it had been anyone besides Remus Lupin Lily would have been angry and frightened and prejudiced, but she knew from James and Remus himself that he was an amazing person who had been wronged by fate. She could not bring herself to be afraid of him. She would never look at werewolves the same way again, after knowing Remus.

James looked up from the floor suddenly, his eyes blazing. He turned to Lily. “Tell him to start,” he said fiercely.

Lily did not argue. She looked up and caught the cleric's eye, beckoning him over. He approached and Lily asked him to start whenever he would like; they would not be waiting for Clark Potter any longer.

She knew the cleric was speaking to the room and asking all to sit, but she grasped James's fingers tightly in hers and pushed his hair out of his face. He turned to her again. “What about Vince?” he asked quietly, his voice cracking. Lily knew he didn't want to think about his mother finally being buried. “There are people here who could tell him you're here.”

Lily shut her eyes, having thought of this. She opened them and did not let him look away. “I don't care,” she said firmly, and then she sat back, trying to pay attention.

She shut her eyes and tried not to cry in relief when James slid his arm around her waist a minute or two later and pulled her tightly against him. She let her head drop onto his shoulder and exhaled onto his neck. Ever since that day in the library—James had touched her, but not like this. She had never felt that he had really needed her as more than a person to lead him around; she felt that he was blocking her out. James's hand was in her hair and she sniffled, but did not feel tears fall from her eyes.

They sat in silence through the speeches and the eulogies and the service. Neither James nor Sirius, neither Remus nor Peter, had decided to say anything, and it would be laughably inappropriate for Lily to speak. With every passing speaker, Lily felt James hand tighten on her waist to the point where she would have bruises, but she did not say anything to him. Lily was so busy trying not to think about how James was feeling that she blocked out the pain he was causing her and hardly heard any of the service, just bits and pieces.

“For what is it to die, but to stand in the sun and melt into the wind?”

Lily looked up. She recognized the quote from one of her father's favorite books. James had once told her that his mother simply loved the quote but had not the time to read the entire book. She felt him squeeze her waist and she bit back a gasp of pain. She almost jumped when she felt another hand on James's, whipping her head to the side and seeing Sirius pry James fingers away from her body.

James looked up and let go, looking at her, startled. She bit her lip and felt him grasp her waist again, this time gently. She smiled her thanks at Sirius and he shrugged, inscrutable as always. Sirius put his hand on her shoulder, not looking at her, and stared stonily ahead. Ten minutes later, the service ended. Clark Potter had not appeared.

There was a rustle of silk, satin, and various other cloths as everyone in the room stood. Lily looked around, disoriented, not sure what to do next. She knew wizards did not see caskets into the grave and throw handfuls of earth on top, but she did not know the proper protocol that followed a wizarding funeral.

James began to walk slowly, pulling Lily with him. Sirius grabbed her wrist and kept her where she was. James paused, but then he squared his shoulders and walked past Remus and Peter, starting down the aisle down the middle of the chairs and heading for the staircase. As he passed, every single head bowed in respectful sympathy. Sirius held tightly onto Lily's hand, whether to keep her from running to James or to keep himself from doing the same. Sirius looked over to where Sabia's mother was standing, staring at James, but the woman did not move.

Lily assumed she had never really known her daughter.

James started up the steps, and Sirius prodded Lily, who prodded Remus, who poked Peter. Peter led their procession out of the room, and just as Sirius stepped into the aisle behind her and fell into their single-file line, a harrowing, heart-wrenching strain of music melted into the air, trailing off as quickly as it had come. More quivering notes dropped into the air, their origin undetermined. Lily resolved to ask Sirius later.

James was not by the door that led to the upper floors of the house. Sirius and Lily exchanged a meaningful look before Sirius headed for the stairs, filling Remus and Peter in on their find in Lily's old room as they followed. Lily paused at the steps and thought about how Sirius had left her outside with James the day before, thinking she was the only one could help him. He had done her a favor.

Lily stepped back from the steps, doing him the same favor. She turned to greet the guests, who were just appearing at the top of the stairs. She introduced herself, accepted condolences, told them James and his friends would be along shortly, and directed them to the kitchen, where refreshments had been set out. She did not see anyone she knew, but she was sure plenty of people knew her and knew Vince. She did not see Sabia's mother again.

It was when she saw two familiar faces that her heart stopped. She recognized Sirius's parents' faces from press photos and shook their hands carefully, forced to introduce herself when they did so for themselves. Sirius father was considerably older than his wife and extremely handsome. He looked quite a bit like Sirius and Regulus. His mother was tall and thin, her face almost gaunt when set off by the stark white of her dress, offset by her black hair and hollow, shadowed cheeks. They raised their eyebrows at her name but said nothing, snatching their hands away.

“We had hoped to see James, but we really must be going,” Mr. Black said, not speaking a word about his son. Lily shook their hands again and watched them leave through the front door. She was shivering just thinking of the contemptuous way they had looked at her.

They had to know she was dating Vince, and they had to disapprove. She looked towards the dark stairs leading to top floor and wished the boys would come down.

They appeared twenty minutes later, James's face stony and Sirius's angry. Peter didn't look at her as he came down and Remus, dear Remus, was utterly bewildered. Remus took James to the kitchen so he could accept the sympathies of his parents' friends. She heard James's quiet voice mingling with all the others, and she sighed.

“I haven't told him about the you-know-what,” Sirius said quietly. Lily looked at Peter, then remembered that Sirius had told him and Remus about the ring.

“Why not?”

“He would flip out,” Peter put in. “He would go on a crusade for innocence. Just let Sirius handle this, Lily.”

Lily stared at him. “Have I done—”

Sirius took her arm and steered her away from Peter, towards the door. “He doesn't like you Lily. He's a little protective of James—rather dazzled by him, too. Look, in half an hour we'll go into London through the Floo. James needs to get out of this house. We all need to.”

Lily nodded. “Alright,” she said grudgingly. “Fine.”

Sirius kissed her on the cheek, shocking her with his friendliness. He smiled at her, a kind, platonic smile, starting to turn away. “And Lily,” he added, “thanks.”

Lily saw Peter watching her sullenly, but she stared at Sirius's retreating back with barely concealed happiness.

This was how it felt to be trusted by Sirius Black with James's heart.

……

The streets of London were loud and noisy, especially since the lunch hour was just ending. People who were too busy to look up hurried past on their mobile phones, women and men in business suits huddled in their fur coats and hailed cabs. The reflection of sunlight on snow was blinding in comparison to the darkness of the Leaky Cauldron. Lily squinted and looked around.

“Didn't you have to go somewhere?” James asked her quietly, his side pressed against hers.

Lily turned her head to look at him. “Mmm,” she said, unwilling to leave them all. Sensing the change in the air, the other boys looked away, and James leaned down to kiss her. His hands framed her face and he pulled away, looking at her within the little world of their own.

“Where?” he whispered.

Lily shut her eyes and let her head drop forward on his chest, drained. His hands settled low on her hips. “I need to find a telephone,” she muttered.

“There's probably one on the street somewhere,” James answered, pulling away and stepping back. Lily offered him a smile; the old James was showing through—he was conscious of his friends' presence.

“I'll just go find one,” Lily told him. “Will you all wait here?”

There were words of assent and Lily turned and hurried down the sidewalk, looking for a payphone. She found a phone booth and the corner and felt in the pocket of her coat for a little change. She dropped the coin in and dialed her house number. The answering machine picked up, so she tried her mother's mobile phone. Her mother picked up on the second ring with harried sounding “Hello?”

“Mum?”

Lily could hear her mother's surprise over the line. There was a loud sound, as if she had dropped something. “Lily? What—where are you?”

Lily hesitated briefly before giving her answer. “Where are you?” she asked instead, so she wouldn't force her mother to come get her. She held the phone tightly, hoping to hear her mother's voice again.

“I'm in London. I've just seen Shirley and now I'm doing some errands. Lily, are you in…trouble?”

There was a burst of static and then the line cleared. Lily sighed at her mother's familiar question. “I'm fine, Mum. Could you pick me up?”

There was an exasperated, lovely sound. “Yes, Lily, but where are you?”

“Oh, right. You know where the Leaky Cauldron is? Where you drop me off for my school supplies?” Lily prayed her mother would know where to find it. She had grown up in Kent and had little experience with London, aside from trips and such. She did not know her way around.

“Yes, I'm just close by. I've got the car with me. Is it too cold to wait outside?”

“I'll be fine, Mum,” Lily said quietly, then said goodbye and hung up the phone. She left the booth, pushing past a man who raised a camera and snapped her picture. Lily blinked, feeling uneasy that some pervert was going to have her picture, but the slightly familiar-looking man was gone. She was sure she had seen him before.

Lily shrugged and went back to where the boys were waiting, pushing past people who all seemed to be going the opposite way from her. They were waiting in front of the Leaky Cauldron. Sirius was sitting on a bench with Peter, Remus was leaning against and lamp post, and James was leaning against the trash can.

“Sorry I took so long,” Lily said, stopping by the bench. “I'm…well, I'm getting picked up in a few minutes.”

Sirius waggled his eyebrows at her. “Did you hear that, Wormtail?” he asked lightly. “Lily's getting picked up.”

“Picked up?” Peter asked incredulously. “Picked up by who?”

“Someone handsome, I'd say,” Remus joined in, giving Lily a small smile. He looked at her lazily, his eyes dark. Lily remembered how he had acted the night of the New Year's party, and how Sirius had said Remus got strange about once a month or so. Did Remus's attitude now mean that the full moon was coming up?

“Devilishly so,” James added quietly, and some of the tension released itself. James could have either gotten angry or played along.

“Much handsomer than you,” Sirius agreed. Peter let loose a high-pitched laugh.

James scoffed. “As if that's possible.”

“Not for Lily, it isn't,” Sirius said, “unless, of course, it's me.”

“Wrong, Padfoot, wrong!” Remus said. “She'd much rather have a werewolf like me!”

There was a startled silence. Sirius was white and Peter's eyes were wide, but both Remus and James looked at her evenly.

“So you know, then,” James said, his voice flat.

“I…yes,” Lily said. “I went looking for you and I saw a…book.”

“Oh,” James answered. “The full moon's Monday night.”

“Really?” Lily replied hastily. “That's…well, it's…”

“Nice?” Remus finished dryly, raising an eyebrow at her, looking amused.

“Very nice! I mean—no! Not nice, just…well, that's that, isn't it?”

“But—” James began, looking between Remus, Sirius, Lily, and Peter.

“So you know I'm a werewolf,” Remus cut in loudly, and several people passing by gave him shocked looks and wide berths, thinking he was mad. “That's it. That's all you need to know.”

Sirius exhaled loudly, sounding relieved, while James tried and failed to hide his surprise. “What?” Lily asked. “What else is there to know?”

The boys looked at each other and looked ready to lie to her, but just then Lily saw her mother's car pull up out of the corner of her eye. Lily's mouth went dry as her mother raised an eyebrow at the sight of Lily with four boys. “That's my ride,” she said quickly. “I've got to go.”

“Is that your mum?” Remus asked.

“Yes,” Lily answered, holding up a finger for her mother. Mrs. Evans nodded and looked straight ahead, a bemused smile on her lips. Lily saw the window go down so her mother could hear what was said.

“I didn't know Lily the Ice Princess had a mother. I thought you sprung up from the ice in the lake, or something,” Sirius said.

“Shut up, Black,” Lily said, wanting to leave and get in the car, but at the same time wanting to stay.

“We'll be in the pub tomorrow and stop at the house quickly and then leave,” Remus told her decisively. “Say…noon?”

“That's fine,” Lily said. There was a beat of silence, and the Remus pushed himself away from his lamp post.

“Well then,” he said pointedly. “Padfoot, Wormtail, what do you lads say to another drink?”

“Aye aye, captain,” Peter said, jumping up, a silent Sirius in tow. They went into the pub and James approached her. Lily looked to see whether her mother was looking. She wasn't.

“So that's your mum,” James said quietly.

“Yes,” Lily replied, looking up at him. She loved having him a good four or five inches taller than her.

“What's her name?”

She gave him a strange look, but decided to humor him. “Samantha. Sam. Whatever.”

“She looks nice.”

“She can scream like a banshee,” Lily told him lightly.

James pushed her hair off her face. “They've got a gift for that, yeah?”

She did not answer his rhetorical question. “What do you want, James?” she asked instead, really meaning the question. More than anything the world, what did James want?

He looked over her head for a moment, staring into space. Then he lowered his eyes to hers. He opened his mouth, then shut it. “Another time,” he whispered, and then pulled her close for a tight hug.

Lily squeezed her arms around him in a vice like grip and breathed in the scent of his clothing. Then he let her go and propelled her towards her mother's waiting car, his goodbye dropping into her ear as it happened. Lily opened the door and got in, then jumped when she realized her mother had been watching their exchange. She looked back at the sidewalk, but James was gone.

“Who,” Lily's mother asked, “was that?”

Lily was about to buckle her seatbelt, but she stopped and leaned over to hug her mother tightly. She breathed in the scent of her clothing now, pushing James's away to be examined later. Her mother always smelled like cloves. It was the only scent Lily had ever associated with her mother. She pulled away and buckled her seat belt. “He's not as lucky as I am, that's for sure.”

Samantha Evans shot Lily a puzzled look as she merged into the traffic. They inched down the street. “Really? How so?”

“I've got you, haven't I?” Lily asked gruffly, and Samantha sucked in a sympathetic breath between her teeth.

“Why aren't you in school, love?” she asked next, keeping her eyes on the traffic.

Lily did not answer.

“Lily—that boy—are you in trouble?”

The question gave Lily pause and almost made her laugh. She tore her gaze from the shops along the side of the road. “Mum—I'm not pregnant, if that's what you mean.”

Her mother let out a relieved breath and her grip on the steering wheel loosened. “Well then—didn't you say your boyfriend had blond hair?”

“That wasn't my boyfriend,” Lily answered tartly.

Her mother swiveled her head to look at Lily, her gaze incredulous. “Pardon?”

“James—his name is James, Mum—he's not my boyfriend.”

“But you're in London with him. And you're letting him touch you. And you're hugging him and asking what he wants?”

“Yes,” Lily replied brightly, then shrank under her mother's glower.

“That's irresponsible, Lily. And it's inexcusable. The daughter I raised would never pass up her boyfriend for another boy.” Samantha bit her lip. “This is ridiculous, Lily. Now what are you doing in London, why aren't you at school, and for Heaven's sake, why are you not with your boyfriend?”

“Mum,” Lily said in a small voice.

“Yes?”

“Can we wait until we get home?”

“Fine.”

“And Mum?”

“What is it, Lily?”

“I…love you.”

……

Okay, we're back where we started. Chapter 28 will come…soon…it'll probably be long, all the rest of the chapters will probably be long. This one is 30 MS word pages long. There's just chapters 28, 29, and 30 left. Okay. Well. Tell me what you think…this chapter is so important, and I hope some of you picked up on the library scene…

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28. Chapter Twenty-Eight: Of Lust and Love

Title: Lust…or Love?
Author: Sarinileni
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. Not at all. In the slightest.

Mature Subject Matter
Chapter 28: Of Lust and Love
Date Begun: Wednesday, March 30, 2005
Date Finished: Wednesday, May 25, 2005
Date Posted: Sunday, May 29, 2005

For any lyrics, go to: http://www.lyricsondemand.com

……

[Lust or Love, by the Scorpions]

……

For some reason, Lily had not been ashamed to tell her mother the general idea of what had occurred over the past two months. She left out Vince's impressive repertoire of rapes and just how many times she had slept with James, but her mother now knew that somehow, Lily had ended up at James's house and had lost her virginity to him. Lily was quite sure her mother would have harped on her about that if she hadn't continued her story and told her about Clark's imprisonment and Sabia's death. Samantha frowned when Lily told her about the ring and tapped the rim of her water glass. They were sitting at the kitchen table; Lily's father was supposed to be home in a couple of hours. Petunia had come and gone when she had seen Lily in the house.

“I don't know anything about Wizarding law…” Her mother began, and Lily's head snapped up; she had suddenly remembered a fact she should have remembered ages ago.

Her mother was a lawyer.

Lily gripped her coffee cup. “That's okay. It doesn't matter. Do you think…?”

“Lily, the only thing that ring will prove is that at some point Vince was in the Potters' home. You say he was at the party, right? They could even say that someone stole it. Your only chance to free James's dad is to get a confession, or somehow use whatever magic you can to find out what happened that night.”

Lily slumped and swirled her coffee in her cup. “Mum—this really must all come as a shock to you,” she said, apologetic. “I didn't mean to keep this from you—the thing with Vince or the danger and of course—not James, I would have loved to tell you some things about James. It's just…I have two separate lives, and I can't seem to meld them together. I'm not at that stage yet…”

“It's alright, Lily,” her mother said, “although I don't approve of this cheating ordeal…I see why it's necessary. Why were you at James's house in the first place, love?”

“Oh, er…I had to get something extremely important that he took at one of the Head meetings by accident, some notes—but then I couldn't get back to school and we just…clicked. And Vince is…well, he's gotten terrible, Mum. I don't know what to do about it.”

“What's that?” Samantha asked, sipping from her cup.

“What's what?”

“That necklace. The one you're fiddling with. I've never seen it before.”

Lily paused, her hands stilling, and then she looked down at the pendant Vince had given her for Christmas.

It was cracked jaggedly down the middle.

Lily remembered that strangely cold feeling she had experienced when in the library with James, the feeling of something so completely wrong, the feeling of being torn apart, pulled in two different directions. She remembered how she had felt afterwards. She knew what it felt like to have dread sinking into your veins and poisoning your blood…she was feeling it now. It wasn't possible that this necklace was the cause of her problems, that Vince had been able to influence her. It couldn't possibly be so simple and obvious.

He had always touched his chest when talking to her. She had always forgotten about breaking up with him then, always—ever since New Year's, when she had put it on.

Lily tried to wrench it off, but all she succeeded in doing was hurting her neck as the fine gold chain bit into her flesh. She gripped the pendant hard, wishing she could destroy it, and then she turned so her back was to her mother, pulling her hair up and exposing the clasp. “Take it off, please, Mum.”

Samantha's nimble fingers, so used clasping and unclasping fine jewelry from when she had worked in a jewelry shop to pay her way through law school, could not undo the clasp. Lily, feeling slightly desperate, grabbed a pen and a piece of paper. She tried to put together a message for James or Rebecca or Sirius or anyone, really, but she couldn't. She couldn't think of what to say, what to ask. How could she explain this if she wasn't facing another person? How could she reiterate all the times she thought this pendant had done something to her? Briefly, she thought of the pain she had sometimes felt around where the pendant was when she would have a particularly strong feeling for James.

This did not make sense. If Vince had given her a pendant that could influence her, why not compel her to tell the truth all the time? Lily knew that jade and silver were excellent receptors for magic, particularly Dark magic, but how could Vince, Vince—who had the ability to master Dark spells in only a few days, not be able to completely and totally control her? She was quite sure that after some time, she could still manage to say what she really wanted.

Lily's mother had stayed silent, but now she spoke. “Lily—could you please tell me what's going on? Did James give you that?”

“Vince gave me the pendant,” Lily told her mother absently, still thinking of how this was supposed to work.

“Lily—why ever did you put a pendant engraved with silver on a gold chain?” Her mother frowned, shaking her head, bewildered. “Really, I thought I taught you better than that.”

Lily was about to reply with another vague comment when she thought about what her mother said. Silver was a good receptor for Dark magic, yes, but gold was known to counteract Dark magic. In being lazy and stupid and grabbing the first chain that came to mind, had Lily unwittingly screwed up Vince's plans? Had she perhaps short-circuited the pendant's complete powers and made it weaker?

“Thank god I don't listen to you, then,” Lily quipped, biting her lip and thinking hard.

“Lily—what on earth—could you please explain to your daft old mother what is going on?” Her mother raised her eyebrows at Lily, who sighed.

“Mum—the necklace just won't come off and I'm trying to figure out why.” There was no need to tell her mother everything, such as the fact that there appeared to be a bloody pendant on the loose controlling what she did and how she felt!

“It won't come off? Maybe you cast a spell to keep it on and have forgotten.”

Lily shook her head. “No, Mum. It just…won't come off. Do you—do you want to go out, or something? Visit a few people?”

Her mother peered into Lily's eyes shrewdly so that Lily would know that she was not unaware that her daughter was lying. “We can go see Margie. You haven't seen Lex in ages, have you?”

“Not since this summer, no,” Lily replied, again off thinking about the blasted necklace.

“Right, then.” Her mother rose and took Lily's cup from her hands, washing hers and Lily's in the sink and leaving them to dry. Lily remained at the table as her mother went to call Margie, not really wishing to see her old elementary school friend, Lex. She and Lex has always been thrown together because their mothers were friends; otherwise, it was doubtful they would have ever spoken outside of the third grade. The two girls had had little in common, even at that age.

Lily tagged along with her mother as they visited Margie and said hello to Lex. Her old acquaintance's hair was darker then Lily remembered, now a dark chestnut color that rippled all the way down Lex's long, flexible back. They talked for a little while and Lex, in her gorgeous, musical voice, squealed over the fact that Lily had a boyfriend.

“What's his name?” she asked eagerly. With a pang, Lily remembered that she had had some good times with this girl, even if their once easy relationship that had been cultivated by their mothers had faded into a kind of brief snapshot, a time in Lily's life where she knew nothing of who she really was. Lily and Lex had not had a friendship that could grow with time; Lex was no longer Lily's best friend.

Lex was only Lily's longest friend.

Lex had known Lily since they were two and in diapers, being totted off to pre-school by a pair of women who imagined that their daughters would be the best of friends forever and ever. Lex had gone through summers of pain with Lily where eight-year-olds could not understand why other children had to be so cruel, had to insist on leaving other girls out for the pure, sadistic fun of it.

Lily knew that she and Lex couldn't really ever be friends again, that their relationship had been a nice time that had, really, been forced—that was the reason they couldn't withstand the horrors of the fifth-grade boy craze together. It was nice, though, to chat about seemingly mindless things with this person from her Muggle life, this person from a life that kept her grounded and defined who she was.

“Lily? Woohoo, are you there? What's his name?”

Lily looked up, startled. “James,” she said after a pause, and they continued on.

……

When it came time for Lily to get out of the car and enter the Leaky Cauldron the next day, she found that she did not really want to, but then she looked across at her mother and all she could see was James's face. All she could think about now was that he did not have what she had anymore, not by a long shot.

She hugged her mother tightly this time; neither of them cried. Her mother simply did not understand just how horrible things were in the Wizarding world—it always seemed a little like a fairy story to her, Lily knew. It was abstract, detached, unreal. There was no way Lily could express to her mother that she knew that her life was spiraling dangerously out of control, that James was a blazing, passionate person who was probably going to die young because of what he stood for. He was going to die young, in his prime, taken down by someone who had no respect for human life, no respect for justice or fairness.

Lily hoped she would be able to die with him.

“I'll see you in the summer, Mum. I'll write.”

Her mother nodded; Lily stared at her a little longer, taking in her slightly lined face and her countenance: the fact that Samantha Evans was a mother was as plain as day. No one besides a mother could move with such deft care. Lily took a deep breath and broke the long gaze, opening the door and stepping out of the car. She slammed it shut and her mother rolled the window down, calling after her. Lily turned back to see what she wanted and realized that she had been wrong.

The look in Samantha's eyes was so infinitely knowing that Lily could see it from where she was standing, a few yards away. Perhaps—just perhaps, Lily's mother knew about how wonderful James was and how Lily would die with him, how dangerous this was for her daughter. Perhaps Mrs. Evans knew there was nothing that could stop Lily, for Lily was determined to follow through with that which she had started.

“I love you, Lily. Very much.”

Lily nodded her agreement, not about to cry, but still unable to speak. She cleared her throat; it sounded as if a fish was dying somewhere in the near vicinity. “I'll be seeing you, Mum. I'll bring James around.”

Her mother stayed until she entered the pub. From the door, Lily watched Samantha drive away, but then she turned around and breathed in a wall of smoke from the familiar air of the pub. It was crowded with people at just before noon on a Sunday. She pushed past two wizards who were downing shots of bright purple whiskey. She looked around and, by some instinct, sensed the hand on her shoulder before she felt it. She whirled, her hand grappling for her wand, but then she saw it was James.

“Oh.” She pursed her lips, anxious. “Hello.”

He smiled warmly at her, a real smile then sent the old shiver up the back of her spine in youthful anticipation.

“Have a good night?” he asked, his voice actually normal, although Lily detected the perpetual hint of melancholy behind it. His eyes were different, not as filled with dreams and hope—but they were still beautiful all the same.

“Oh, yes. It was very nice.”

There was a pause. Lily wondered whether she should tell him about the pendant yet. He seemed pained to ask the next question, but he asked it anyway. “Did…did you see your family?”

Lily winced slightly, but she nodded. “My sister came in late so I only saw her a little…I…I saw my dad last evening and my mother…I spent the day with her yesterday. James—”

“I'm glad, Lily,” he said kindly, and she felt some of her guilt diminish. Why was he like this? Why wasn't he blank and needy and unable to pick himself up? Lily glanced around, sure his friends were here, and saw them over in an inconspicuous corner, watching with sly smiles. They must have spoken to him. They must have said something to take the sharp ache away, done something to him to dull the pain.

She looked back into James's eyes, jostled by unfamiliar elbows, and scratched that last thought. He was still hurting of course, perhaps twice as sharply, but he did seem to have accepted that…his mother was never coming back.

Lily pulled herself up tall and looked up at him, trying to bite back a smile. It came upon her anyways, taking her out of her depression. Very gently, James leaned down and kissed her, deepening the kiss by pulling her as close as possible and breathing her in deeply. They stayed there for a while until someone bumped into Lily, who broke away and leaned her forehead against James's shoulder as they almost fell together.

“Whoa,” James whispered, steadying himself against a barstool and stepping back slightly, jerking his head to tell her to follow him to their table. When they reached the table that Sirius, Remus, and Peter were clustered around, she saw that there were empty drink glasses literally piled up in front of Sirius and Remus, who looked a little dazed to see her. They did not look drunk, per se—just rather tipsy.

“We've been here a while,” Peter said, by way of explanation. His tone was clipped. Lily felt James's hand slide across her lower back and move in small circles, pressing down hard.

“Shall we go?” James asked. “We have to stop by the house…Remus, Sirius, are you going to end up in some completely random place if we floo?”

“Aye AYE!” Sirius burst out, then laughed. Lily raised her eyebrows and even James smiled slightly.

“Right,” James said, taking it in stride. “We'll just be back.” He turned and pushed Lily over to where the fireplace was crowded with people, shoving them aside and shouting at a few good-naturedly. Lily watched him, hardly able to breath, thinking that James was back. He was in control. He was—vulnerable, but in control. The sense of happiness that gave her was almost ridiculous.

The space just before the fireplace cleared and James yanked Lily forward. She grabbed a pinch of floo powder and went first, still terrified of this method of travel. She burst out of the fireplace in the family room and stood coughing, waiting for James to appear. She turned just as he slammed into her and they went toppling onto the carpeted floor.

“Unnh…” Lily groaned. “James—gerroff!”

He laughed softly, his breath spilling in beautiful, comforting waves over her neck. “Nah,” he muttered, dropping his head down and resting it fully on her shoulder. Lily tried to push him away but he really would not budge. She sighed and relaxed, tapping her fingers on the floor to relieve her boredom as he simply laid on top of her.

He kissed her neck twice, lightly, and she could not help but put her hands in his hair and curve into his mouth. There was nothing incredibly passionate or sexual about it—it was utterly sensual, utterly affectionate, utterly loving—because James loved her.

Why?

It was not a question Lily wanted to answer; she sighed and James finally rolled off of her, lying on the floor beside her. “Lily?” he asked quietly.

“Mmm?”

“Do you think this is weird?”

She turned her head sharply to look at him. “What?”

“Me. Being like this.”

Lily tried to find a way to tread carefully. “I…slightly.”

He looked at her, his fingers gently stroking her bicep. “I don't know what happened. I woke up in the morning and you weren't there—first I just wanted to yell, but that I realized that…that I don't feel like dying anymore.”

“Yeah,” Lily said quietly. “You better not feel like dying anymore.”

James yawned. “I'm very tired, that's all.”

Lily raised her eyebrows. “Just tired?”

“Yes, Lily.”

“You're sure?”

“Yes, Lily.”

She paused, then glanced at him suspiciously. “You don't feel sick?”

“No, Mum,” James said teasingly, and Lily rolled over twice so she was leaning over him. Her face was right over his and his eyes were unsure, sad—perhaps ravaged, but not exactly. He looked lost—as if his teasing was coming from somewhere he had never known existed.

“I'm not your mother,” Lily murmured, gently kissing his cheekbone and then the side of his face. “I don't even think I could be that wonderful.”

James let his head hit the floor and looked up at the ceiling. “No, you couldn't,” he exhaled, “but you're pretty damn close. And, of course, you've got a great deal of sex appeal.”

Lily felt her eyes droop and she lowered herself so her head was on his chest, yawning. He groped for her hand and grabbed it in his, lacing his fingers between hers and squeezing tightly. She nuzzled into his chest, a question rising from the depths of her mind, a controversial, possibly fight-provoking question. She really tried not to ask it, but simply could not help herself.

“James—why do you feel better now? What's your reason?”

Lily looked up and James looked down. Lily thought of how she hadn't seen him smile like this in at least a week. Their eyes locked; James brought his free hand up and gently brushed the hair from her eyes.

“The future,” he said simply, and Lily shut her eyes and put her head down, her cheeks flaming. She bit her lip as his hand continued to move through her hair. Why her? James nudged her and she lifted herself off of him, allowing him to sit up. He stood and pulled her to her feet, pulling her to his room, where she gathered the belongings she had brought with her and stuffed them into her bag. She remembered, suddenly, the decorative hairclip that had been a gift from her mother, still lying somewhere in her old room here.

Some instinct told her not to go get it, but she ignored the feeling and went anyways while James clearing up the loo, letting herself into the room trying not to look around. She had to search for a long while before she finally found it pressed between the night table and the wall. She reached for it and had just grabbed it when she spotted something startlingly familiar. She had been holding herself up, but in her surprise, she fell and her stomach slammed into the night table.

Breathless, she let out a strange-sounding groan and pushed herself to her feet. Without wasting a second, she bent down and reached under the bed, pulling out the shawl she had given Sabia for Christmas. She cradled it in her hands, her breaths coming fast. She looked down at it, swallowing and swallowing and continuing to do so until she couldn't anymore. She deftly folded the shawl into a small square, its silky, velvety texture making it hard to keep it in one shape. She clenched it in her hand and left the room, forgetting her hairclip.

James was waiting in his bedroom for her, sitting on the bed with his back against the headboard, twiddling his thumbs. He looked up as she came in and she saw his eyes flicker to what was in her hand. His face went blank and his lips thinned.

“Hey,” he said.

“Ready to go?” she asked, nonchalantly placing the shawl in her bag. There was something—something….

“Yeah.”

“Alright then,” Lily replied, picking up her bag and waiting for him to get up. He jumped up and put his hand on the small of her back to lead her out of the room. From the pressure of his hand, Lily simply knew that her question about why he was coping better had made him think. He was thinking now—she knew it.

“Lily?” he asked hesitantly.

“Yes?” she asked, turning and halting their walk in the kitchen. She leaned against a counter and dropped her bag on the floor, crossing her arms and waiting for him to continue. He was quiet, almost troubled, as if he could not find the words. Lily brushed the side of his sleeve straight absently and continued the motion even when it was smooth; James stepped closer and put his hands on either side of the counter around her body so she was effectively trapped.

“Do you feel obligated?” he asked seriously.

Lily made an irritated sound. “James—move. This is ridiculous.”

“No, Lily. I mean it. Do you feel obligated, now?”

“James!”

“Go on, Lily, answer…”

“No.” Lily dug her nails into his upper arm but he did not feel it; she hardly realized she was doing it. “Of course not.”

His lips were very close, but he did not seem to want to kiss her. Lily widened her eyes at him and tightened her hold on his arm. He wanted to hear it. “James—I don't feel obligated to stay with you.”

“Are you sure?” he asked, rather thickly. “Because I did tell you I loved you and I know I haven't—well, I haven't been myself lately. Obviously. You've had to take control of me and show me what to do and you—you can't like that, Lily. That's not you. I've been on automatic—just doing as I'm told and not being able to take care of myself. You don't like helpless people, Lily.”

“I don't,” Lily agreed, “but that's only if…if they're just helpless because they're too lazy to help themselves. I don't mind, James. It's…it's strange, of course. And I've always had you there, in control, and having to take control—it's been different. I don't really like it. You're—well, you're rather the only bloke I've wanted to have controlling me somewhat, yeah?”

James blinked and swallowed hard. “Right. Right.” He looked off into space, behind her head. “I didn't want to scare you. When I said—that I'm functioning better because of the future. It's been about a week, right? I just…I think of my mother and my father and it's like ice—as if something is tearing me apart inside, that's how much it hurts. And then I think about you and what we could have, what we do have, what we're going to have…and that makes me better. It makes me want to get it together and pick myself up and just explain however I can—wow, this has been a day for speeches—”

“Have you heard from your father?” Lily asked suddenly, his words spurring a warring curiosity within her.

“No,” James said immediately, his tone slightly defensive. “I haven't.”

“He should have been there, James. They promised to let him attend, didn't they?”

James sighed. “Yes. They did. I just—there's no guarantee, Lily. I spoke to Gideon Prewett—do you remember him?”

“Yes.”

“I spoke to him and he said it was taken care of, that my dad would be that. But I haven't had a chance to get in contact with Gideon, so I've got no clue what happened. I just…this is mad. Her funeral…they should have let him go to that, right?”

“Of course,” Lily assured him quietly, simply listening.

James's head snapped up. “Let's go, Lily. I can't stay here for another minute. Let's go.”

......

Their return to Hogwarts was spent in almost near-silence. The Knight Bus rushed them again, driving so wildly Lily could hardly stay in her seat. At one point, she fell on top of Remus, and ten seconds later, while they were still trying to untangle themselves and stand, Peter's pudgy body overbalanced as he tried to switch seats and he slammed into Sirius's armchair, knocking it over and sending the two of the onto the floor, right on top of Remus. Lily jumped up and back when this happened, and she stumbled backwards and onto James, who chuckled.

“Ah, Lily,” he said softly in her ear, “you're back in my lap again.”

“Shut up, James,” she muttered back, rolling off his legs as the bus took a particularly sharp turn and landing in her chair. She curled up there and hung on for dear life until they reached Hogwarts, this being their only set of words exchanged during the entire ride.

They snuck back into the castle as if they had done something wrong. It was dinnertime, and Lily hoped against hope that Vince was in the Great Hall and wouldn't see her sneaking back up to her dorm. They reached the tower and lily unpacked the few things she had, placing Sabia's shawl under her pillow. She stroked it lightly, a shiver of something going through her, and then she tucked it away and headed down to dinner.

She entered the Great Hall and everything went absolutely silent for a full five seconds before everyone burst into whispers. Lily saw Rebecca beckon her over and she hurried down the table to where Rebecca was sitting. There was a commotion over near the Slytherin table, but Lily paid it no heed.

“Lily! I was hoping you would be back by now!”

“Back?” Lily asked, not remembering what she had said to the girls to explain her absence. She vaguely remembered something about Hogsmeade and extra-curricular activities.

“Lily—there's something you need to see,” Rebecca said, ignoring her and leaning down to extract a thick copy of the Sunday Prophet from her bag. She pointed to the first page and Lily's thoughts all came to a grinding, screeching halt. It was a set of articles about James's parents—history, page 3, deaths and trial, page 5, their work, page 7…and the first page…the first page was dedicated to Sabia's funeral and Clark's absence. That would have been fine, except at the bottom, where it had a section about James, were two pictures of Lily. In one, she was just coming out of the phone booth—Lily remembered the flash that had gone off when she had left the booth—and in the other, she was kissing James as they stood outside the Leaky Cauldron. She read the section quickly and saw that they identified her as `Lily Evans, Vince Malfoy's current Muggleborn girlfriend and Head Girl, from Gryffindor house.'

She felt so sick. So, so, so sick.

She looked up just as the Marauders entered the Hall and sat down. James's eyes sought her out and he frowned when he saw how she looked.

“Can I borrow this, Rebecca?” she asked hoarsely.

“By all means,” Rebecca said worriedly, waving her hand in consent. James, Sirius, Remus, and Peter were sitting down across from Mary and Elizabeth, who were staring at Lily, waiting for her to make a move. Lily left Rebecca sitting by herself, feeling bad about it, and went to show the paper to James.

She slammed it down in front of him. His eyes widened and he sat up straight, grabbing the paper and leaning close to read it. Sirius leaned in and tried to see but James hogged it, skimming quickly until he threw it down on the table and Sirius and Remus made a grab for it.

“Fuck.” James ran his hands through his hair. “Lily—”

Remus whistled, shoving the paper at Sirius and letting him read it, his eyes fixed behind James. Lily whirled and saw an entire hall of people, their eyes pinned on her. She shrank back.

“Where do you think Malfoy is?” Remus asked.

Lily had not seen him at the Slytherin table. “I don't know.” She turned to Mary and Elizabeth, who had been at school all day. “Do you?”

Mary shook her head. “No. I've been studying all day. Elizabeth?”

Elizabeth sighed. “Same with me. I'm knackered—I haven't seen Malfoy, Lily.”

Lily turned her head down the table and saw Rebecca staring at her. She motioned the other girl over. Rebecca hesitated, but then Remus called down the table to her. “What are you doing down there? Come here.”

Rebecca got up and dragged her bag down to where the rest of the Seventh Year Gryffindors were sitting. She sat down next to Remus, who threw a casual arm across her shoulders. “How are you, my darling Miss Rookwood?” he asked charmingly, giving her a tired smile. Lily remembered that tomorrow night was the full moon.

“Just fine, Lupin,” Rebecca said crisply, brushing a tiny bit of lint off his shoulder and smoothing out a wrinkle in his robe like Lily's mother did for her father. “Could you remove your arm, please?”

“No way,” Remus said immediately, reaching for a roll. “Now, could you tell us where Malfoy might be, and whether James is going to have to run anytime soon?”

“I resent that,” James said, still looking worried. “He'd be the one running from me after a couple minutes.”

“Touché,” Remus said, now fiddling with Rebecca's hair. She rested her head against his shoulder and Lily raised an eyebrow, looking at the door and for Vince even as she was wondering when Remus and Rebecca had gotten so comfortable with each other.

“I've got no idea where he is, actually. I saw him with my brother, earlier.”

“Augustus?” Lily asked sharply.

“Yeah,” Rebecca answered, lifting her head to look at Lily. “Is something wrong?”

“Oh, no,” Lily said vaguely, looking around again. “Are you all done?”

Apparently, “all” included Mary and Elizabeth as well, because they accompanied Lily, Rebecca, and the boys out of the Great Hall and on the way up to the library, where Lily's dorm mates had left their school things.

Books and papers were strewn all over tables. Students had their heads bent and were pulling at their hair in frustration. Rebecca, Mary, and Elizabeth were gathering their things when Lily heard hurried, familiar steps behind her. She whirled and grabbed James's sleeve when she saw Vince and the expression on his face.

“You slag,” he said immediately. “You whore—you fucking—” His voice was quiet—the librarian couldn't hear, but the surrounding students could. “How dare you?” He looked at James, then at the paper Peter was now holding. “Let's go, Lily. We need to talk.”

She felt James deflate. He had been looking for a confrontation. Lily really waited to say yes, but the word wouldn't come. Instead, she could say—truthfully, with no magical interference, “No.”

Vince looked staggered. Lily saw him clutch at his neck, where his necklace undoubtedly lay. “Pardon?”

Lily felt James's hand on waist. “I said, no.”

“Come with me,” Vince said through gritted teeth. “Now.”

Lily stood her ground, glaring up at him, and felt James's arm snake around her waist. “No, Vince. She grabbed the necklace around her neck and lifted it from beneath her shirt and her robes, holding it up for Vince to see the crack. “I'm not your bitch anymore,” she said loudly, hearing a shocked sound from all around as the students pretended not to be looking. She turned back to Rebecca and the other girls, who were standing, their mouths open.

Perhaps Vince raised a hand to strike her. All she knew was that he did something, because Mary Tudor suddenly put her hands flat on the table before her. “You heard her, Malfoy. You've been thrown over for Potter. Leave her alone.”

Lily held her posture perfectly straight, trying not to look too shocked at Mary's defending her.

“You watch yourself, Potter,” Vince hissed crazily from behind them. “You watch yourself, because you and this whore are going to end up just like your fuckwit parents. Got that?”

James turned quickly, towering over Vince, who did not flinch. Lily had the hysterical urge to laugh at their height difference. Remus pulled James back down, sending a look at Sirius, who seemed about ready to do Vince in himself. There was a moment of breathless tension, where everyone waited to see whether someone would get hurt. Vince cursed Lily once more before snapping around and walking out of the library with his robes billowing behind him.

The silence that followed was long and full.

“Well,” Mary said, clearing her throat and avoiding Lily's eyes. “I suppose we've found Malfoy, yeah?”

……

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29. Chapter Twenty-Nine: Of Silver and Cold

Title: Lust…or Love?
Author: Sarinileni
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. Not at all. In the slightest.

Mature Subject Matter
Chapter 29: Of Silver and Cold
Date Begun: Thursday, May 26, 2005
Date Finished: Wednesday, June 29, 2005
Date Posted: Wednesday, June 29, 2005

……

[Silver and Cold, by A.F.I]

……

The next morning Lily woke up with the most wonderful, free, delicious feeling she had ever felt. She stayed in bed for at least twenty minutes before dragging herself to the bathroom, where she used the toilet, washed her face, and brushed her teeth. She thought she heard a noise and paused as she was drying her hands, but there was no further disturbance. She drifted back to her bed, looking over at Mary and Rebecca, who were sleeping peacefully, while Elizabeth had her curtains drawn shut. Lily flopped back onto her mattress and stared up at the top of her canopy, seeing the rosy light of dawn illuminate the room out of the corners of her eyes. She stretched her arms over her head and arched like a contented cat, yawning. She yelped when she felt the bed dip beside her and something tickled her stomach. She collapsed and reached out to the side, quickly grasping something and yanking it away.

James was grinning at her, his glasses glinting in the early morning light. His invisibility cloak slid down his body and pooled on the floor, out of sight. Lily reached out her hand again and pushed him on the shoulder. “You're not supposed to be up here!” she whispered, looking around to make sure the other girls had not woken.

“Right,” James said dryly, “let's start following rules now.”

Lily held a finger to her lips and gave him a warning look, pulling shut her curtains and effectively drowning out all sounds whatsoever. No one would be able to see or hear them. James flopped on his back and Lily lay down half on top of him, exhaling deeply across his chest. He laughed and pulled her in so tightly she thought would break into a million pieces. He buried his lips in her hair and urged her higher so her face was over his.

“Mmm?” she replied, answering the silent question he was posing.

He grinned. “Let's go.” He rolled over and pinned her down on her bed, letting his mouth cover hers. Lily yelped, startled, when he bit down lightly on her lip and surged strongly above her.

“…unh?” she asked, when he broke away and looked down at her.

“We've been shagging for so long,” he explained, his lips traversing her cheek, “that we haven't really made out in ages.”

Lily tilted her head back and laughed loudly, twisting her legs back and forth under his body. “True. Very, very trumphmmm…” Her hands tangled in his hair and her body undulated slowly under his and he kissed her fervently. The kissed like that for a long, long time; slow and deep and burning kisses that left Lily with a painful desire in her stomach. His hands traveled up her waist and slipped under her shirt, worming up under the tight fabric and reaching her breasts. Both of them sighed.

“So, Mr. Potter,” she gasped, “happy at second base?”

He placed a neat little wet kiss on her neck. “How about I take you to third, hmm?”

“I thought we were making out.”

“Change of plans. Poor baby.”

She stared at his bent head as he pulled the straps of her tank top down her arms and then slid it up over her head. He patiently untangled it from her hair and set it down beside her head on her pillow. James had used his mouth on her only once, the morning of his New Year's party and before she had left his house for the first time. Somehow, Lily couldn't really remember just how it had felt. She just had a vague impression of stars.

“You don't have to,” she said, her voice small.

James chuckled. “Darling girl,” he said charmingly, “I want to.”

“Because I broke up with Vince for you?” she muttered, averting her eyes.

“Because you broke up with Vince for you, Lily,” he corrected her, and then pressed a kiss to the curve of her breast.

“Oh…” If having James when she wasn't supposed to was amazing, having him when she was free of Vince was absolutely mind-blowing. She had never seen James this charming, this carefree, this utterly loving. She bit her lip and her breath caught in her throat when the cool edge of his glasses brushed across her collarbone. She would never in her life tire of that little sensation.

Remembering, Lily tilted his face up and removed his glasses, setting them on the bed and hoping they wouldn't break. James nibbled gently on her skin and Lily curled her toes, extending her legs outwards. She accidentally kicked open the curtain the slightest bit and a rush of sound met her ears. James stopped what he was doing and lifted his head. They heard the sound of Lily's dorm mates waking and readying themselves for the day ahead.

“Oh shit,” Lily said, barely speaking. “They'll hear us.”

“Shut the curtain,” he whispered against her skin. He bit down lightly and Lily reached her hand outwards, trying to find the gap.

“Lily?” she heard Mary ask, just as James closed his other hand around her other breast and bucked his body against the burning heat between her legs. She gasped and finally caught hold of the edge of the curtain, yanking it shut and holding it there. She felt someone tug against the curtains but then there was complete and total silence and peace.

“Are we good?” James hissed. In answer, Lily gripped his wrist and slid it down to her waist.

James yanked down her shorts and then her knickers. “Shorts?” he asked. It was the middle of winter.

“I get hot at night,” she murmured.

“At night? You're always hot, Lily.”

“Funny, funny,” Lily gasped.

He freed her legs and left her shorts and knickers somewhere or the other. His fingers dug into her hips. “Do you know why I came here?” He dropped the words onto her thighs.

“To make out?” she said, exasperated.

“Maybe. But actually…”

“Are you going to say something sexy, James?”

“Shut up, Evans. Actually…” He hooked his hands beneath her pretty knees and spread her legs apart. “I came here and I decided…” He put a kiss on the inside of her thigh, trailing little kisses and bites upwards, then switching to her other leg. She was quivering. “…that I was going to take you clothes off and tease you and just fuck you senseless.”

“I need my senses,” Lily squeaked.

“You won't be able to walk when I'm done.”

“We have class in just an hour. Breakfast at half-past.”

“Plenty of time,” he kissed onto her stomach, and then he plunged his head between her trembling legs. Her hips jerked up and James moved back. She hoped the other girls were gone.

James had the hottest mouth on earth; this Lily knew. Lily tightened her thighs around his head and bit back a loud moan, bringing her knees up and lifting her hips. It was suddenly too hot within the curtains. James put his hands on the tops of her thighs and then pulled her even closer, groaning and sending a vibration all through Lily's body.

“Nhn…” Lily said incoherently, her feet pushing down hard into the mattress. James crawled up her body and Lily swallowed hard, tears of unfulfilled pleasure leaping to her eyes. James turned her face up and then kissed her deeply, his tongue reaching almost to the back of her throat. Lily tasted something sharp, musky, tangy, earthy—

“That's you,” he said onto her lips, darting his tongue out and licking her mouth once more. “Like it?”

She swallowed hard again.

“I wanna hear you,” he said fiercely. “Don't be quiet, okay?”

“James—”

“Shut up, Lily,” he said, his voice full of affection. “Just shut up.”

His hands wove into her hair and he moved above and against. Lily writhed underneath him and gasped out loud, something unidentifiable rising inside of her body. She had never felt like this before. She whimpered when he thrust deeply inside her as he never had before. This hurt, but it felt too good to care about any pain. She thought she heard sobbing; and with a start she realized James wasn't really there anymore. He was gone, moving against her with a wild abandon that showed her he wasn't alright.

She was the one sobbing, dry, wracking sobs that made her body heave with every breath. James was pounding into her as if he would never get to touch her again. He was detached and yet attached, there yet gone, broken yet whole, and Lily knew that James was far from fine.

Whereas Lily took her orgasms with a sudden loss of any inhibitions and screamed or shrieked or clawed at his back, James took his in a slightly different manner. There really wasn't a word for it. Now, he fell over the inevitable edge with a chorus of hoarse and whispered professions of unconditional love against her shoulder, his body surging, every inch of him raw heat. He collapsed on top of her and Lily felt the stickiness of tears against her sweaty skin. She sifted her hands through his soft hair and kissed to top of his head, her arms closing around his neck. He turned his face to the side.

“Shit. Lily. Fuck, I'm a mess. I'm sorry.”

“Shh…”

“No! I was—I was fine before. I—shit. Sorry.”

“S'okay,” Lily said firmly, sleepily. “You can…I'm here for that. Listen,” she continued hurriedly, “let's get ready for class.”

He lifted his head from her shoulder and Lily was quite aware that they were both naked and that at some point, James had obviously removed his boxers. Her breasts were crushed beneath his lean but slightly too thin chest. He kissed her chin. “Thanks, Lily.”

“You don't have to—”

“Showers,” he reminded her gently, his smile effortlessly kind. “I'll see you downstairs.”

She nodded and then peeked out of her curtains. Elizabeth was still bustling around the room. When she saw Lily looking, she gave a good morning that grated on Lily's nerves.

“Er…” Elizabeth said, staring at James's cloak on the floor. She had to know Lily had a boy in there with her, or she was completely stupid. “I'll see you, Lily,” she blurted out, and then rushed from the room, her face red.

Lily laughed and yanked back her curtains, using her wand to lock the door. She swung her feet onto the floor and grabbed the towel she kept by her bed, wrapping it around herself in a self-conscious attempt to retain some of her dignity. She stood and walked James to the door.

“Oh, James?” she asked when he was just about to leave.

He turned to her, his eyes satisfied but tired. “Yeah?”

“I think I'm senseless.” She smiled shyly and pushed his hair off his face, sliding his glasses onto the bridge of his nose.

……

After they spent the day in classes and dodged the public eye at every possible moment, Lily and James found themselves in his room. Lily was sitting on his bed and James was sitting on the floor.

“You know, Lily, I've got something to ask you.”

“Is it something stupid, like whether I feel obligated or not?” Lily asked absently, flipping through one of the books she had found on the floor, half shoved under his bed. She reckoned it didn't belong to him. She didn't recognize the name on the inside cover.

“Shut up. Actually, not to open up old scars…but why on earth did it take you so long to break up with Malfoy?”

Lily shut the book with a snap and threw it back down on the floor. She rolled over and found that he had turned, so his face was level with hers. She reached into her robes and yanked out the cracked pendant on the chain, dangling it in front of James's eyes.

“I was wondering about that. You showed it to him in the library. And you were wearing it this morning. Is it…did he give you that?”

Lily nodded. “For Christmas. I didn't put it on until the night of your party, and ever since then…I've been unable to break up with him or disobey a direct order.” She paused. “I…well, I suppose it cracked that day in the library.”

“Ah,” James said, “you mean right before my profession of adoration and love.”

She gave him a reproachful look. “Don't joke. It broke then, and that's why I said yes to go to…to the funeral. Before I simply…couldn't. Some days it was more powerful than others, I suppose.”

“It's on a gold chain,” James noticed.

“Mm…that made it weaker than if it had been on a silver one.”

“Definitely,” he agreed. He reached it out and held it, examining it in the light.

“It won't come off.”

“That's rather ingenious, really. Too bad he's a Slytherin.”

Lily whacked him on the head and he let go of the necklace, grinning. He crawled up on the bed and tackled her, spreading her hair out like a fan over her head. “You're a very pretty picture, Lily.”

“Why, thank you, James.”

He laughed as her hands traveled down to his belt buckle and she began to undo it. When he fell silent, Lily looked at him questioningly, having just removed his belt.

“You've never been on top before, have you?” he asked curiously.

Lily flushed bright red. “Erm…”

She was saved when the door burst open and James let himself fall on top of her, groaning. She pushed him over and raised her head to see Peter and Sirius enter the room, stopping just inside the door to look at them.

“Oh, Merlin. Go shag somewhere else, mes petits lapins,” Sirius said, his accent perfect.

“Wonderful. Someone decided to be smart and taught Sirius Black French.”

“Blame those bloody French ancestors of mine,” Sirius said. “Noir changed to Black when they fled from France. We've even got a French motto, French style décor, the works. But no, seriously. We just left Remus and Rebecca to find a room and continue their flirting, and now we come up and find you. Stupid trysting couples. I swear—Remus gets horny as anything on nights of the full moon. It's such a problem.”

“I'm sure you'll get over it,” Lily said, flopping back down on the bed and trying to relax. She felt…extremely content.

Peter remained silent, his eyes cast down. Lily didn't let his obvious dislike of her ruin her mood. She squeezed James's hand and then he got up, picking up an imitation Quaffle and lobbing it at Sirius. Sirius dodged and sent it flying back. He managed to hit James, but then the two boys simply worked it out in a flurry of punches and headlocks. Lily sighed, smiling.

Sirius came out victorious in the end, pinning James down on the floor and straddling him. Sirius caught Lily's eyes and wiggled his eyebrows. He moved his hand as if to hit James in the crotch, and Lily sat up straight.

“Don't you dare!” she exclaimed, appalled, just as Remus entered the room, slamming the door behind him.

“MAD!” he yelled. He pointed at Lily, his face red, “MAD, I say, all of you women! Nutters!” He threw himself on the bed and ignored them. Lily glanced at James, her eyebrows raised, and he shrugged.

“Rebecca do something, mate?” Peter asked distractedly.

Remus nodded into his pillow. “I mean it. I know all about feeling sick at strange times—but right when we're about to—” He glanced over at Lily, who put her hands over her ears as if she wasn't listening. Remus made a face, as if to say that he wasn't that stupid, and continued anyways. “—right when we're about to shag, she suddenly has to go off and save someone or has a really sick feeling.”

“Bad things happen when Rebecca says so,” James said dubiously. “Dead useful, that.”

“It makes her a huge target, thought. Voldemort would love to have someone like her. It's not as good as seeing the future, but she does well enough without total clairvoyance.” Sirius inspected his nails coolly.

Something clicked in Lily's mind.

It seemed as if both Peter and James had understood as well, because both of them suddenly looked at Lily.

“Lily…” James said.

“You don't…he wouldn't…” Lily swallowed. “Oh.”

“That explains quite a bit,” said Peter.

Remus and Sirius had caught on too, now, and they both looked at Lily, astonished. “Remus,” Sirius said slowly, “what, exactly, did Rebecca say?”

“She just said she felt sick. Really, really, really sick, like sicker than she'd ever been in her life.”

“And you came up here and complained about missing out on a good shag,” Lily remarked dryly.

“I made sure she was alright, first. She's resting. It's not my fault if she gave me a boner like you wouldn't be—”

“New topic,” Sirius said loudly.

“How about you gits leave?” James suggested.

“Why's that, hmm?” Peter asked.

“Obviously so we can get it on,” Lily replied scathingly. James sent her a warning look and she sighed angrily. “Sorry, Peter.”

James looked mollified. Lily made a face at him. Peter said nothing to her. She had never met someone so outwardly rude in her life; she was used to the sly insults she had received from Slytherins, not the open dislike Gryffindors seemed to favor.

“When's dinner?” Sirius groaned. “An hour,” he said only a moment later. “Who's hungry?”

James, Remus, and Peter loudly advertised their hunger. Lily shook her head, but offered to go to the kitchens to get food for them. James jumped up to go with her.

“If you don't come back in half an hour,” Remus told them in his dry voice, “then we'll assume you're otherwise occupied.”

Lily flushed and James pushed her out the door after a good-natured swing and both Remus and Sirius, then Peter. He followed Lily out and shut the scarred door to their room, pausing for a second with his back to her. He took a deep breath and then turned to her; she felt a horrible lurch in her stomach. There was something about him. It was saccharine sweet and left a bitter taste in her mouth. He was fake, perhaps, or acting too much. She both wanted and did not want him to stop his farce and unburden himself on her shoulders.

She shook it off and led him out into the castle proper. She stopped to tell off a Ravenclaw who was practicing spells by firing them at a suit of armor. It was at this point that Lily looked around and then yanked him into the nearest classroom. It was, thankfully, empty. Lily had never been in this room before; it was probably unused, although it was very clean. Several long tables were ranged in perfect rows across the floor.

She turned and within seconds James was kissing her, kicking the door shut with his foot and muttering some sort of spell to lock the door. Lily pulled away and actually cast one that would keep people out, before yanking his shirt over his head and sending his glasses skittering across the floor. She kneaded his shoulders hard and he pulled away a little, gasping and pushing her so she was pressed against a desk. She made a little sound of protest and shook her head when James looked at her quizzically. He ran his hands up her thighs and under the fabric of her drab skirt, pulling under her knees until she was sitting on the table behind her. She may have heard something rip when her knickers disappeared and she winced, but there was no time whatsoever to think when he quickly unbuttoned her shirt, slipped it off, and slid his hand to her back.

He drew on the skin there, pressing a hand flat against the small of her back and inching her hips forward. Lily broke away undid his belt with practiced fingers, her face right against his and their breath mingling. To both his and her surprise, she slipped her hand tentatively inside his boxers.

“Holy fuck,” James gasped, his voice breaking. Lily's other hand went to the back of his neck and she buried her face in his shoulder as she stroked him. After a moment, she scrambled back on the table and beckoned his closer. He climbed on after her and she quietly told him to lie down on his back; she pulled off his boxers and straddled his waist. He was whining in the back of his throat, swallowing hard and taking large, gulping breaths.

“You offered to let me be on top,” she reminded him, and then eased backwards in such a way that her mouth dropped open and she began to pant in anticipation. James's hands flew to where her thighs met her hips and held her tightly, urging her to move up and down. Lily's legs were trembling with the strain as his fingers dug delightfully into her flesh through the skirt.

There was nothing like this.

When Lily was slumped next to James on her stomach, her hand rising up and down on his chest, he turned and pressed his side against her, all strength and heat, and put his hand in her hair. “That was my ultimate fantasy,” he murmured.

“Hmm?” Lily asked.

“Shagging with a girl in her school skirt.”

She pushed his hair back from his forehead. “So I'm the girl of your dreams, then?”

There was a loaded pause while Lily waited for him to say yes. He was unable to get the word out. “You bet,” James said finally, and then his breath hitched. He set his jaw. “Shit. I can't stop, Lily.”

“Crying?”

He nodded, disgusted with himself.

“There's nothing wrong with it, you know,” Lily pointed out.

“I was fine three seconds ago,” he said, his voice full of anger. “I hate this. I don't want to be uncertain. I need to know what's…what's going on.”

James's silence grew darker and heavier with every passing moment.

“Hey,” she said softly.

He looked over at her, his eyes leaden with pain or anger or blankness. “Yes?”

“Chin up.” She sent him a teasing smile and he shrugged.

“I guess.”

Lily couldn't take it anymore. It had been fifteen minutes since he had been laughing with his friends, five since he had slept with her. How could he possibly be in a bad mood now? It sounded terribly conceited, but Lily had noticed that every time they slept together James became miserable. It wasn't fair.

“Alright,” Lily said. “Clothes. Now.” She raised herself up and reached down for her shirt. James put his hand on the small of her back and came towards her.

“My shirt?” he asked.

“Other side,” Lily said softly, and then snagged her shirt from the floor and pulled it on. She did up all the buttons and then, embarrassedly, looked for her knickers. She found them near the door, with a little rip in the side. She decided to mend it later and pulled them on. None of the threads gave way and it held fast.

“Ready?” she asked. James had his clothes on and was tiredly hopping of the table. He put his arm around her waist as they continued on their way to the kitchens, and it was only when they stopped outside the portrait that depicted a bowl of fruit. Lily had an epiphany and reached out a hand to stop him just before he tickled the pear. “James—”

“Yeah?” he asked guardedly.

“You haven't…you haven't heard about your dad yet, have you?”

“No,” he said sharply, his lips pressed into a thin line.

Lily paused. He was uncharacteristically angry with her. “Where do you think he is?” she continued slowly.

“I don't know, Lily,” he returned harshly. Lily pulled against his arm.

“Calm down.” Her tone was irritable. “It's not as if we haven't had a serious conversation before. How can you not have heard about your dad? Did you ask anyone…or—”

“Dumbledore's put in a request.”

“That's it? You care, don't you?”

“What gives you the right to ask me that?” James exploded, whipping around and towering over her. Lily's mouth dropped open.

“I…I can't believe you just said that to me,” she said blankly.

His face was scarily blank. Then he rolled his eyes. “Neither can I! I have no idea what's going on. I'm going absolutely mad. Mad.”

“Oh…kay…um,” Lily said, not believing him, “…can we go back? Forget the food. Let's just go back to the Tower.” Lily waited, still slightly peeved; it was all she could do to keep from tapping her foot uncomfortably. James looked at her, pensive.

“I'll walk you up,” he said.

When they reached the portrait hole, James waited until she went inside and did not enter behind her. She stared at the closed portrait for a moment, something unreal and upsetting bubbling up in her stomach. She licked her lips and then turned to go up to her dorm.

She loved him so much.

She paused at the bottom of the stairs and then looked over at the boys' staircase. Looking around at the milling common room, she decided that it was fine to go on up there. On her four yard walk to the other staircase, she ran into Rebecca and staggered back a few feet, wincing. Her legs ached.

Rebecca had a tissue crumpled up in her hand. Her eyes were puffy and pink she wore no makeup. She was shivering; her hair was coming out of its ponytail.

“What's wrong?” Lily asked, grabbing Rebecca's arm. The other girl swayed dangerously and then sat down heavily on the steps leading upstairs. “Rebecca?”

“Are…are the boys upstairs?” Rebecca's voice was a high, pained rasp. Lily felt a pang of guilt. She had sat upstairs and laughed when Remus described this, while Rebecca was really in pain.

Lily started to answer in the affirmative and then she paused. It was a full moon tonight. “No. They won't be.” Was that where James had gone? It made sense, of course.

Somehow, Lily didn't think so. For some reason, she thought he had forgotten about Remus and had gone off to brood. She knelt in front of Rebecca and put her hands on her shoulders. “Do you need anything?”

“Where are…where are the boys?” she asked again, her voice almost gone. Lily hesitated and then told Rebecca to wait for just a moment. She raced up the stairs and burst through the door to James's dormitory. It was empty. It had the air of something that had been hastily emptied. A magazine lay open on Sirius's bed. The shirt Remus had been wearing earlier was hanging off his bedpost. On Peter's bed lay an expanse of parchment.

Curious, Lily walked over and paused. It was map of sorts, with small moving dots navigating a complicated diagram that she saw was Hogwarts castle. It was brilliant. She leaned closer and gasped.

Tiny little dots were moving across the surface of the parchment in every which way. Name labeled each dot in fancy cursive. She pulled the map closer and saw her own name. She saw Rebecca's at the end of what looked liked a flight of stairs. Professor McGonagall was pacing back and forth in her office.

She scanned the map and her heart stopped. Two dots labeled Vince Malfoy and James Potter were slowly, slowly, slowly moving from the dungeons and out of the main doors, over the grounds…heading to the Forbidden Forest.

Lily dropped the map and ran.

She passed Rebecca on the stairs, vaguely shouting an explanation and a plea for a professor at the sickly looking girl. She burst out of the portrait hole, ignoring the exclamation of “I never!” that came from the Fat Lady. Her heart was pounding so hard the she couldn't ever breathe. She swallowed past a lump in her throat.

Vince had James.

She pushed her hair out of her eyes with touch movements and gasped as she reach the top of the marble staircase and looked down the wide, dark expanse. She could see lights at the bottom, and somehow, this endless line of white shrouded in shadow gave her a feeling of utter hopelessness.

Vince—had—James.

She raced down the stairs, tripping over her own feet and her robes. She wiped her cheeks and tried not to think that five whole minutes had just passed. Anything could happen in five minutes. She had trouble undoing the latch but then she slipped out of the doors and they shut with a thump! behind her. The night was foggy with mist and Lily looked around wildly, still wiping away tears. She should have brought that map, because now she had no idea where she was going. The full moon illuminated enough through the fog. She ran towards the trees, a line she could barely see through the dense mist that surrounded her.

She tripped over her flapping robes and rolled down the slight inline and had to scramble to get to her feet again. She had sliced through the muscle in the heel of her hand with a sharp rock, but she just continued on, throwing her heavy hair back and licking her lips. She was parched; she needed to find James.

James James James James James…!

She did not know that she had reached the forest until her stinging, bleeding hand slammed into the bark of a tree. Her breath hitched deep in her throat and she flinched. As she peered into the mist and repeatedly cursed herself for not bringing the map with her, she wrenched out her wand and sloppily healed her aching hand. The wound closed over, but she had the feeling that it would open again soon enough.

How to find James? How? Every advanced spell she knew for such an aim was so far away from her mind right now that there was no way she could properly perform one. She yanked her hair back from her face against and a small cry escaped her lips when her locks caught on the chain she wore.

Her chain.

Lily held up the pendant and saw that the lily engraved onto it was glowing slightly. She shut her eyes and concentrated hard. She felt a distinct, very faint pull into the middle of the forest. Her eyes snapped open and she began to travel through the wood as quietly as she could. She went in the wrong direction twice and had to double back, all the while trying to keep the pull going strong. After a good twenty minutes in which she was sure James was dying or agony, she stopped at the sound of someone stomping through the undergrowth. The pendant had led her right to Vince.

The noises stopped. She could see his shadow moving through the trees and she stepped behind a tree with a small squeak. Vince paused. “Who's there?” he shouted. “Show yourself, you little shit!”

Lily held absolutely still until he swore and continued on through the snow. Lily waited until she could longer hear him before she came out from behind her tree. Again biting her lip and wringing her hands, she decided to follow his steps the way he had come. She rushed forward, not caring to erase signs of her presence. Presently, she arrived at a clearing and smacked into a tree just in time to hide herself. A small part of her rational mind wondered where Vince had gone, but then she saw James and rushed over to him.

He was crudely gagged with a long strip of dark cloth. He made a loud sound at the sight of her but she simply yanked the gag from his mouth and proceeded to untie it with quivering fingers. As soon as he was free to speak, he did.

“Lily!”

She glared at him. “Shut up, shut up, shut up. How dare you let this happen, Mr.-I-Can-Take-Vince-Malfoy? Where'd all that wonderful defense training go when it was needed? Are you mad? What possessed you to go walking around the castle at night—and it's a full moon, as well! I know you all stay with Remus, God knows how—”

“Keep your voice down!” he hissed, his eyes shifting from side to side.

“Vince went off to some cursed place—I don't care what he's about to do because we're getting out of here, now!”

James nodded vigorously. “Alright, sugarplum, but it would be slightly helpful if you would consent to untying me.”

“Shut up,” Lily repeated sullenly, pressing her body against his so she could untie his hands from behind the tree. The last thing she wanted to do was walk into the dark forest to get behind the tree and undo his bonds. He face was right next to his as she furiously worked at the knots. He breathed heavily onto her neck and Lily gritted her teeth.

“Damned if this isn't a turn on,” he said hoarsely, and Lily stopped her actions to elbow him.

“Shut it,” she said, as if she hadn't told him the same thing at least five times. “You're incorrigible—you just got some twice today—and we're in a potentially deadly situation, so I'd appreciate it if you would lay of your blasted jokes.”

James rolled his eyes and began to say something, but Lily had frozen. Slowly, she took her hands away from his greatly loosened bonds and stepped back. Someone was with them. She could feel it, down in her very bones. She reached for her wand, but before she could even make contact with it everything went black and she hit the ground.

Perhaps if you hadn't been flirting, she said to herself when she came to, you wouldn't feel as if you're twisted like a pretzel.

She opened her eyes and blinked. The moonlight shone down on the little clearing, illuminating the little scene that was playing out before her. Vince stood some ten yards away, twirling his wand idly in his fingers and looking bored. Lily saw that James, still tied up next to her, was snarling at the blond boy. Lily groaned. She must have hit her head on a rock or some such thing—her head was throbbing as if there were no tomorrow. She felt as if she was going to be sick. At the sound she made, both boys looked at her.

“Ah,” Vince said, the picture of the evil villain, “the raging bitch has woken.”

Lily wished she could spit at his feet, but instead she settled for several choice words that made Vince raise his eyebrows. “Lily, Lily, Lily…I never expected such language from you—even at your…er…shall we say, least inhibited, you could only muster enough courage to call me God—”

James started to laugh so hard he was doubled over as far as his robes would allow. His laughter echoed up through the trees, spiraling into the night sky and disappearing into the stratosphere. Lily and Vince both looked at him as if he was mad; Lily was not entirely sure he wasn't.

“And just what is so funny, Potter?” Vince demanded when James had gotten a hold of himself. Lily could see tears of mirth glistening on his cheeks.

“You liken yourself to God,” James spat, hissing at the same time, “and Lily over there faked it every pitiful time.”

Vince was shocked; Lily saw his pale eyebrows go up and his eyes ignite with anger. His gaze flickered over to Lily, who gave him a mocking smiled and mouthed a kiss at him.

“She faked…”

“And if you were talented enough at fucking her,” James continued viciously, “you would know that she writhes so hard when she comes that she rips your sheets, and she leaves scars on your back that last for a good week after, and that she loves to scream the name James when you hit that spot right inside of her—”

A very, very, very detached part of her brain was amazed at the fact that she had managed to rip his sheets, but she gasped when Vince roared in fury and raised his wand at James. Just as he sent a jet of red light in James's direction, James ripped his hands from his loosened bonds and grabbed Lily's wand, which Vince had carelessly left on the ground just inches from James's foot. Both boys faced off, aiming between each other's eyes.

“Accio wand!” James yelled, and his wand zoomed out of Vince's pocket and into James's hand. He carefully walked over to Lily, severing her ties with a nifty spell and then handing her wand to her when she got back on her feet.

“Turn around, throw your wand away, and put your arms around that tree behind you, Vince,” Lily said firmly, holding his eyes.

“You cheating bitch!” he snarled suddenly. “I knew you were kissing him, but I didn't think you'd shag him over one weekend just because his dad offed his mum!”

James growled, but Lily held out her arm to stop him from doing anything. She was terrified, but she and James had this under control. Raising an eyebrow and fighting to appear calm, she licked her lips. “One weekend, Vince?” She leaned closer, as if telling him a secret. “James and I have been shagging since Christmas Eve.”

The reaction was priceless. Vince's mouth dropped open and he tried to curse her. Lily yelled “Stupefy!” but her aim was off and a tree behind him exploded with the force of her spell. She felt James tighten, ready to curse Vince, but the blond boy turned and ran from the clearing.

“Follow him,” James said, his voice a deadly calm anchor. “Don't let him get away.”

They ran after him, racing through trees as his shadow darkened the glaring white snow. They broke out of the forest and emerged onto the far banks of the lake, halfway between Hogsmeade station and the castle. Vince stood by the edge of the half-frozen water, his robes flapping and his hair flying. He leveled his wand at the both of them.

“Now, now, Malfoy,” a cultured voice said from behind them. “Just what are you planning on doing without permission?”

Lily spun to see who was speaking, but James kept his gaze trained solely on Vince. He didn't even turn when Lily gripped his arm hard and gasped. Augustus Rookwood and just stepped out of the cover of the trees, his sister on his arm. Rebecca looked a fair sight better than she had earlier. She had apparently composed herself for her little trip down here.

“You scum,” Lily said, not sure which twin she was referring to—the one who scared her, or the one who had pretended to be her friend?

“Yes,” Rebecca said in a bored voice, inspecting a nail and flipping her hair over her shoulder, “betrayal and all that. How else did you think I knew about all those things before they happened? Lily—you bought into my little sob story about Lucius, didn't you? How very…quaint.”

This didn't make sense. Why would Vince date Lily to get closer to Rebecca if he was already working with Rebecca?

“Can we get on with this?” the boy in question said from behind Lily, sounding harried. “Potter's just about to attack me.”

“We should sic him on you for your impudence,” Augustus hissed.

James pulled out his wand and pointed it at Vince. “I'm not your dog!” he said clearly.

Augustus sighed. “Ah, well. This is true. Expelliramus!”

Both Lily and James's wands went to Rookwood. He handed them to Rebecca, who pocketed them and curled her fingers in a wave at Lily, her lips pressed into a full pout. Lily trembled—what were they going to do? Would Vince, Augustus, and Rebecca kill them? James was still facing Vince. Startled, Lily saw that he was reaching down into his pocket. She moved closer to cover whatever he was doing, and then turned with each step Augustus and Rebecca took so they could stand in front of both Lily and James.

James whipped a wand from his pocket; Lily recognized it as Sabia's. He pointed it at Vince and bellowed a word Lily couldn't understand if her life depended on it. Vince disappeared for just a split second before reappearing over the water in the lake, twenty feet up.

“SHIT!” he yelled, waving his arms frantically. He tried to undo the spell, but he did not know the countercurse. The Rookwood twins watched with guarded interest. Lily saw Rebecac's hands loosening from its death grip on her brother's arm.

“Watch it, prick,” James said darkly, “or I'll let you drop.”

Lily opened her mouth, but Vince cut her off. “Let me the fuck down, Potter. You could fight me like a man—”

James burst out laughing again. “A man? A man? You're the man who fled when you found out it was two against one. Don't tell me to fight like a man!”

“Augustus!” Vince yelled. “Force him. Force her. Make them let me down!”

Augustus yawned uncaringly. “You can rot for all I care, Malfoy. You're expendable. Go ahead, Potter. Let him drop.”

James paused. Lily could tell that he was struggling to voice his thoughts. “First—first I want some answers, and I'll let you down. Alright, Malfoy?”

Malfoy spat into the water, but it was ineffectual. James took a deep breath. “Did you kill my mother, Malfoy?”

“Of course I fucking did, you worthless heap of dung! We tortured her too, if you'd like to know…your poor father, he tried to stop it—too bad we wiped his memory so he couldn't say oh, Vince Malfoy killed Sabia!”

James's hand trembled. “James,” Lily said quietly, noticing that Augustus and Rebecca weren't paying attention, but James was lost.

“How dare you?” he muttered, even though Vince wouldn't be able to hear. “How DARE YOU?” he yelled. Lily grabbed his arm but he wrenched it free. “You think you rule the world, Malfoy. You kill people—you've enchanted Lily—”

“Enchanted? You call a curse like that mere enchanting? It took ages to come up with—ages. Lily's the perfect tool—the perfect person to control. You're in the perfect position to do some rather riotous harm, Lily—too bad you're a bitch,” he snarled, his handsome face and ugly mask of hatred. “You got smart and switched the bleeding chain—ruined the effects—”

Augustus coolly disarmed James and Rebecca halted Vince's fall with Lily's wand, which was already in her hand, not that Lily knew why. James clenched his fists in fury, set his jaw, and stepped in front of Lily. Lily let him.

“I'll let you down, Malfoy,” said Augustus slyly, “if you kill Lily.”

“Shut up!” James yelled, as if this would erase the words. Augustus did not even acknowledge him.

“Kill Lily, and I won't kill you,” Augustus said calmly. He beckoned Lily forward, but she stood her ground. James put and arm in front of her and made sure she did not move forward.

Vince pointed his wand at Lily.

“You'll have to kill me first,” James said, his voice carrying on the wind, low and determined. Lily tried to step out from behind him, but it was not needed, because Augustus and Rebecca managed to force James over to them, at least ten feet away. Lily stood helpless. She could run, but then they would immediately kill James. She could stay, and James would have a chance to escape. She could dodge Vince just enough to give James time for an escape, perhaps for both of them.

Vince pointed his wand at Lily. She met his eyes, shocked. She couldn't imagine him killing her—beating her, raping her, hurting her, yes—but killing…it was almost unthinkable—almost. Lily held her arms out, ignoring the sounds of James struggling.

“NO!” Vince shouted, and then pointed his wand at James, screaming the killing curse. The green beam of light passed just over Rebecca's head, but James had thrown himself to the side and knocked his mother's wand from Augustus's hand. Vince plummeted, still screaming, into the cold, murky, endless depths of the Hogwarts Lake.

“He can't swim!” Lily wailed, rushing to James's aid. Hearing her, James only hesitated for a moment before diving into the water after Vince. Augustus grabbed Lily, forgoing magic. He twisted her arms behind her back.

“How long do you think someone can survive in water like that in this weather?” he whispered in her ear, biting it lightly. “It's not so bad, Lily. Rebecca here will make it quick.”

James surfaced, spluttering and shaking water from his eyes. Augustus sent a nasty looking bean of yellow light at James but missed. James dived under again.

“This is stupid,” Rebecca said, somewhat weakly. Once again, she aimed Lily's wand at the water, squinted her eyes, and said, “Accio Vince!”

It took only a moment. Just as James resurfaced, Vince's limp body burst out of the water and deposited itself right in front of Rebecca. James swam for the shore and Augustus was too busy trying to tie Lily up to try anything on him. James crawled up the rocky side of the inlet and collapsed there, his breathing heavy. Rebecca went and dragged him over to where Lily was. He had blood trickling down his temple. Lily froze when she saw it and tried to look away, but she simply couldn't. She gasped, her mouth dropping open, and made a supreme effort to look elsewhere.

“What's this?” Rebecca said uneasily. “What's wrong, Lily?”

“She can't resist it,” Vince said, coughing in between his words. “She was supposed to collect some of her own blood and give it to me tonight, but since she fucked with the chain she's just obsessed with fucking blood in general. It was all written into the spell—”

“Why'd you need her blood?” asked James.

“None of your bloody business,” snapped Rebecca, and then she shook Lily's shoulder, hard. Lily looked at her, back at James, and then stepped away.

“Don't touch me,” she said evenly.

“Finish it, Malfoy,” Augustus said, his voice laden with impatience. “Get up and finish this mess. You suggested it.”

“Wait—” Lily said lamely. “I want to know what's going on…”

Vince had struggled to his feet and snatched up the wand Augustus threw at his feet, having summoned it from the lake. He pointed it at James, who looked at Lily, then at Rebecca.

Rebecca shoved Vince to the side, threw Lily's wand in the redhead's direction, and ducked her brother's swinging fist. Lily found that she could easily slip out of her bonds if she wanted. She did so.

“RUN!” James screamed at Lily, his voice reaching a pitch that was almost feminine in nature. Lily spent one anguished moment deciding what to do before James yelled at her. “Lily—look at the MOON! GET HELP!”

Lily broke and ran. She heard a loud cry of pain and then saw a flash of green light. She didn't stop to ponder as she ran deeper and deeper into the forest. Help? Remus was out here—he was a werewolf right now. How could Lily get help from him? Rebecca—Lily had no idea what was going on with Rebecca.

Sirius. Peter.

But how could they—

Lily didn't want to think about how. “SIRIUS!” she shrieked, her voice echoing getting lost in the trees. “REMUS! PETER!”

Nothing. She heard a branch snap and ran in the opposite direction, wiping her cheeks. She needed to get back to James. Why had she run from him? She raced back to where she had come from and stopped, looking around. She had no idea where she was.

She drew in a deep breath, shut her eyes, and told herself to stay calm. She swallowed hard. She needed to get help. She held out her wand. “Ac—Aclarus Sirius!”

Nothing happened. Lily swore violently and tried again. “ACLARUS SIRIUS!”

Nothing. She was tapped out. She had nothing left in her—drained. She sagged against a tree trunk, gathering her strength so she could walk around aimlessly and find James. But no—something was happening. A deep, pulsing feeling was coming from the very earth itself. Slowly, she saw paw prints in a deep bronze color appear in the clearing, all over the snow.

Some were a very bright gold—they were the most recent. Trembling, Lily pushed herself away from the tree, but then an earsplitting scream from her left halted her movements. It was met by an answering howl from her right, and then a ferocious growling sound. Lily was poised to go either way. She gave up on Sirius and ran towards the scream, more willing to face human monsters than beasts.

She veered left, towards another scream, and then burst onto the scene she had just left. James was slumped against a tree, clutching his side, his wand trained on Vince. Rebecca and Augustus were dueling, sending nasty-looking jets of light at each other.

Lily pointed her wand at Vince and Stunned him. James's eyes flew to hers. She was about to do the same to Augustus, but she could only scream and go on screaming as one of his killing curses slammed into Rebecca's chest. Augustus looked at her coolly as his sister fell and deflected James's weak curse with a shield.

He shouted something. Lily's vision went fuzzy for a second before something heavy and wet slammed into her back from behind. She cried out as a growling mass of fur burst out of the trees and bounded towards James, about to rip his throat out.

Her eyes closed just as she sank facedown into the freezing cold snow. If this was death, at least she'd be with James.

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30. Chapter Thirty: Of Lily and James

A/N: The last. Last chapter. Evvvvvver. It's…I loved writing it. This is my favorite. This ending scene has been in my mind forever, but I couldn't bring myself to ever write a first draft because I didn't want to ruin it or anything. I can only say how much I love this chapter and I hope you love it too.

Just something I think several people will wonder about. The ending is…rather open. It's not happy. This story is ending in the middle of their seventh year. Lily and James still have a great deal of healing to do before they can really make it through every single little thing. They will—this chapter makes it evident, but there's not much sugar and fluff. It's just…what it is. Not sad, not happy. Pretty bittersweet

Eh…have fun. Because Harry Potter 6 comes out at 12:01 a.m. on Saturday the sixteenth…that's less than four hours from right this second.

EEEEK!

Thank you. Thank you so much. It's been a crazy, hectic ride. I'm glad it's done. But thank you beyond all belief possible

Title: Lust…or Love?
Author: Sarinileni
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. Not at all. In the slightest.

Mature Subject Matter
Chapter 30: Of Lily and James
Date Begun: Thursday, June 30, 2005
Date Finished: Friday, July 15, 2005
Date Posted: Friday, July 15, 2005

………………………………….

[Thank You, by Dido]

………………………………….

“...furthermore, the Wizengamot hereby declares one Clark William Potter, presently called that “defendant”, exonerated of the charges of murder by the officially declared Unforgivable Curse Avada Kedavra, and under clause 958c in the esteemed Wizengamot Code is thus freed of any obligation to the place of Azkaban on behalf of one Sabia Caragh Brennan Potter, the defendant's deceased wife…”

Lily stroked James's arm through the thick sleeve of his winter cloak. It was so cold in this dungeon of a courtroom that she could see her breaths on the air as frosty puffs of smoke. Something had gone wrong with the customary warming charms that James had told her were supposed to be in place. Lily sneaked a look at James and saw that he was staring emotionlessly down at the center of the room, where Clark stood before the herald and was freed from his accusations.

James laced his fingers through her and looked over at her and ran his thumb along the side of her hand and along her thumb. Lily kicked him lightly and stuck her tongue out at him, drawing a smile to his red mouth. He relaxed a little in his chair and then they all had to stand as the members of the Wizengamot filed out of the room, Lily a beat behind the others. James had tugged her to her feet: unlike James, Sirius, Remus, and Peter, she had never attended an occasion such as this and did no know the proper protocol.

Lily caught sight of Dumbledore standing in the front row of the gallery—rumors were afoot and many thought he would be promoted to the head of the Wizengamot. Lily couldn't think of a better person for the position. He wouldn't have allowed James's father to be put in Azkaban in the first place.

Lily was in a sort of daze as the left the dank courtroom and their small group congregated in a corner, waiting for an opening before the walked up to Clark Potter. James let go of Lily's hand and threw his arms around Clark. Lily, behind James, saw that way Clark hugged his son and squeezed his eyes shut and felt so horrible…Mr. Potter's wife was dead, his credibility had taken a hit—he had lost to the Malfoys and all he had left was James…and here was Lily, taking away that too.

Then Clark opened in his eyes. In the nanosecond of space between his eyes opening and letting James go, Clark locked his eyes on Lily's and blinked. Something in Lily snapped and relief flooded through her blood.

It was okay.

She didn't know what she had seen in James's father's eyes, but she somehow knew that everything was okay. They were all…okay. James stepped back and didn't take Lily's hand, but he did keep his side pressed up against hers. Lily turned and froze when she saw Vince Malfoy and Augustus Rookwood walking down the echoing corridor towards them. Two Aurors walked behind them, their blank faces alert and suspicious. Vince's hands were tied behind his back.

Vince and Augustus stopped before them and Lily wondered what the hell was going on. Vince's trial was tomorrow, but he had just testified at Clark's and said that he had been told about Sabia's murder, that Clark had done nothing wrong. And how could Augustus be standing with Vince, the person who had murdered his twin sister?

Vince stared sullenly at Lily and James, almost as if he was a spoiled child, while Augustus smoothly extended his deepest condolences to the Potter family. He looked at Lily, James, and their friends. “I do apologize for Malfoy over here, since he refuses to do so. There's no telling what some people will do without permission, eh?” He smiled serenely at them before leading Vince and the two Aurors guarding him away.

Lily frowned. “James…” She trailed off.

“Yes?”

Something faint and vague was swimming up from the depths of Lily's mind. It was a memory—a thought…a recollection of something that had never happened. Augustus Rookwood's words had stuck a chord in Lily's memory.

That was impossible. Vince had held them captive. Vince had been the one to kill Rebecca. At least—that was what he had told Dumbledore and Lily and James and…as it was, neither Lily nor James could remember a single thing about that night of the full moon two weeks ago. When they had come to, Sirius had been standing over them, pale and shaking and bleeding from the cheek, his wand shakily aimed at Vince's bound form against a tree.

“What happened?” Lily had asked. Sirius had said he didn't know, just that he had found them. Lily had had the briefest impression of being hunted and chased and something heavy, shaggy, and wet on top of her, but then it was gone.

“Lily?”

Her head snapped up. James was still looking at her, unsure of what she wanted to ask.

“Oh…never mind…”

Lily followed the boys and Clark out onto the streets of London. She knew her mother was adamant about Lily staying home that night, reluctant to let Lily sleep at Sirius's flat, where James and Clark would be. Even with adult supervision, Samantha Evans had said in her letter, Lily couldn't stay over with all boys. Lily, who was so unused to such rules after this past Christmas, found the condition utterly restrictive and motherly. She loved it.

She hesitated at the door. She had told her mother she would be home by six in the evening—it was only eleven in the morning at the moment. She followed James, his friends, and his father, walking a little behind and feeling just the slightest bit left out. There was no other girl, no female to counteract all the testosterone Lily was surrounded by.

Sabia was dead. Rebecca was dead. Lily shivered. Was she next?

Ridiculous. There's no reason for you to die. Lily shook it off and continued to absently follow the boys, deep in thought. After another fifteen minutes of walking in the biting cold, Sirius led them into a dodgy brick building and up a set of dilapidated stairs. Paint was peeling near the ceilings on the corridors and the floor was scuffed, but the building was reasonably clean. Sirius inserted a key into a lock, turned it, and they were in his abode.

There was an unpleasant smell in the air. Lily was sure Sirius had left something perishable out before he left for school and that it had been festering for four months. She stepped gingerly inside and saw that dust covered everything, from the small table with a badly scratched leg in the tiny hallway to the moldings on the walls.

“How do you live here, Sirius?” Lily asked quietly, catching sight of clothes that must have been there since summertime. Dishes were still in the sink. “And what is that smell?”

She had raised her voice and that was the only reason Sirius hear her. Off of the tiny hallway just inside the door and was a kitchen (on the left) and a bathroom (on the right). Sirius was in the kitchen—James and Remus had continued on in the hallway to the small sitting room. Clark was nowhere to be seen. Lily hadn't been paying attention.

Sirius was staring forlornly at the stove. “Damnit,” he swore. “Wish I knew how to make tea with a wand.” He looked at Lily slyly.

“Just because I'm a girl doesn't mean I know how to brew tea, you pig. James would know. Clark would.”

Sirius grimaced. “Not in the mood to bother them.”

“Brew it the Muggle way,” Lily said carelessly, and then turned to go to James.

Sirius grabbed her arm. “Boil water?”

Lily looked at his hand on her arm and then pointedly back up at him. “Yes, Sirius. Boil water.”

“You don't understand, Ev. The last time I tried to boil water on the stove it overflowed and it was steaming and hissing and it was on the floor and I fell—can't you do it?”

Lily looked at his face—he wasn't making a joke—he really meant it.

“Um, okay.”

He smiled widely. “Thanks,” he said, his voice bright. “The kettle's in that cupboard.” He left her in the kitchen.

Lily followed him, feeling cheated. “Excuse me, I think I've just been had.”

James's head snapped up and he looked at Sirius, then Lily. “What?”

What a reaction—oh, for pity's sake! “Not sexually, silly. You're such a boy. Sirius has tricked me into making tea Muggle-style.”

James waved his wand vaguely towards the kitchen. In moments Lily heard a cupboard door open and then shut, something slamming down on a stove, and a shrill whistle that meant the kettle had boiled. Another wave, another slamming of doors, and six clinks as mugs were set down on the counter. “Tea's done,” James announced.

Lily stared at him, then shook her head and went to find a tray. She started to find tea leaves to add but found that they were already in the bottom of the cups. She poured water and some cream into each mug, then put the sugar bowl on the tray along with the mugs and spoons. She carried it out and put it on the dusty coffee table. Clark had joined the boys.

“Sirius, you're such a bachelor,” Lily muttered.

“I'm seventeen, Miss Prissy,” he retorted. “No one else is complaining.”

“I am,” said Peter immediately. “It smells in here, mate.”

“You've left something to rot in here, haven't you?” Remus asked curiously, sniffing the air and wincing, “Urgh…thanks. My nose can't take this.”

“This is ridiculous. You can't sleep here like this. Do you have a broom, Sirius? A cleaning one.”

Sirius nodded, pointing to a closet that was inconveniently placed behind a shelf that was filled not with books, but with Quidditch paraphernalia. Lily sighed, then concentrated hard on a spoon and transfigured it into a broom with a twist, flick, and circle. The handle was still as metallic as the spoon, but the bristles were strong enough to clean. Lily charmed it to sweep dust into the dustpan that was just near the closet. She pointed her wand at a quill and turned it into a featherduster which began sweeping dust from the dirty surfaces of the flat.

Lily looked up at gasped. She had been so preoccupied with the tea and insulting Sirius that she hadn't looked out the windows. They were large and out of place and rather dirty, but they offered up a sweeping view of London city. It wasn't particularly pretty, but it was striking and it would be gorgeous at night.

“They weren't that big. Mr. Potter made them bigger the only time he came before,” Sirius explained, seeing where Lily's eyes were. Lily pointed her wand at the windows and uttered a spell; suddenly the panes were gleaming, free of their dust and dirt. It was so sunny outside—the light was blinding in its reflection off of the snow-lined streets. She turned away from the view of bustling people.

“Alright,” she said quietly. “Sirius, you'd better thank me for this…”

She began with cleaning the bathroom, then the kitchen, enlisting magical aid when she really, really needed it. There was still a rank and distasteful odor hanging in the air; Lily was unsure where it came from, but she was looking for it diligently. She finally found the source in Sirius's bedroom: it was a plate of half eaten sausages and some greasy bread. Lily Banished it to the kitchen, hearing an exclamation as it zoomed through the living room on the way there.

She smiled grimly. Boys will be boys, she thought sarcastically.

When she had finally finished she went back into the sitting area again and took a seat. She had four hours before she had to meet her mother outside. She curled her legs up underneath her and took her still heated mug of tea, sipping it carefully before turning her ears to the conversation that was going on.

“Remember that time we changed the tea cups into chickens?” Sirius asked excitedly, looking at James. “And then they went running at your Mum and Mrs. Hastings sliced one of the heads off?”

James burst out laughing. “I couldn't eat chicken for a month,” he gasped, holding his sides. “All I saw was that thing running at me without a head—”

The other boys were laughing as well, but Clark was simply staring bitterly out the window, not speaking.

“I only remember that one time when Catherine sent you lingerie and told you to meet her, and then Bee found out and walloped you for getting into trouble,” said Remus to Sirius, grinning from ear to ear. “That was Mrs. Potter at her best—you couldn't sit for two days!”

Sirius flushed red. “What did you expect? The girl was bloody bangable…” He looked furtively at Clark and then at Lily, who was staring at James, who was gazing into his tea cup, silenced.

“I remember,” Clark suddenly said softly, “how she forgave Kathryn Lynch and Theodore Hastings. And George…good old George…I don't know how she could've forgiven him but she did…”

The boys and Lily exchanged uncertain looks. The others looked startled, but Lily had no idea whom Mr. Potter was talking about. She would have to ask later. The thought was pushed aside when Clark put his head in his hands and moaned softly, rocking back and forth the slightest bit. Immediately James and Remus were by his side, helping his to sit up and giving him Peter's untouched mug of reheated tea. Lily got up and went over to the windows, watching James's reflection in the mirror that was on the small strip of wall near the edge of the windows' right side.

He hadn't spared a word to her since the Ministry. She knew it shouldn't bother her because he had bigger things to worry about, but it did. She pushed her hair back from her face and bit her lip, then went back to her seat and sat down in silence.

There was a steady hum of conversation all around her. Lily sat with her head on the armchair for a good ten minutes, trying to keep her heavy eyes open. Sirius said something bawdy and Lily groaned in exasperation, then suddenly found herself not in the sitting room anymore…Lily groaned again, pulling her legs in and resting her head on top of her knees. She felt like would retch until there was nothing left in her to come up. After a minute or so she tentatively raised her head and saw two people looking at her: James and Sirius.

James simply watched her. Sirius, on the other hand, had a feral look on his face. He had a scratch from his temple down to his mouth that dripped bloody onto the collar of his shirt, peeking through his robes. Lily followed his shaking wand arm out and looked in the direction it was point. A wet and bedraggled Vince was bound against a tree with thick, rope-like constraints. Lily swallowed, looking just off to the side, where Rebecca's body lay.

“Rebecca,” she moaned. “No…no…”

James cleared his throat. “She…she turned on them. She pretended…or maybe she didn't. We'll never know what she was thinking…there's no way to tell.”

Lily covered her eyes. Just when they were friends…

“What happened?” Lily asked Sirius.

“I don't know. I just found you like this. Terrifying, that was.”

“How'd you find us?”

Sirius tightened his grip on his wand, glancing at Vince to make sure he was still unconscious. “I heard Lily calling. But then I—well, I sent Peter up to the castle for help and now Remus is running around bloody unleashed. If he smells us there'll be trouble. He heard Lily too—put up a right good fight to get to her but I got there first, jumped right on her back—”

Lily's head shot up. “That was you?” She hadn't known Sirius had fur and four legs.

But it wasn't Sirius anymore. For ten seconds and huge black dog with powerful legs and a lolling tongue stood in Sirius's place, before Sirius reappeared and shrugged. Lily wanted to ask, but she simply shut her mouth and shook her head.

“James, too,” Sirius said.

“That's brilliant,” Lily said flatly, still looking at Rebecca. “Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant…”

Half-formed images were swimming around her mind when she woke—she was positive she heard a male voice that was so utterly familiar and yet unfamiliar to her. Sirius shook her awake and told her it was five to six. Lily jumped up, whacking him on the arm for not waking her earlier, and then stopped moving uncertainly. Remus and Peter were talking quietly in the kitchen. Clark was staring out the windows and James was looking at Clark.

Remus and Peter came back into the sitting room. Lily said goodbye to them and Sirius, then impulsively knelt down next to Clark Potter and put her arms around him. He came out of his reverie and to Lily's own shock wrapped strong arms around her and hugged her back tightly. Lily thanked any higher power listening that the chairs were low so they were more or less on the same level. Lily tried to get up but he held her down and lightly kissed her forehead. “You're a good girl,” he said, as softly as snowflakes falling in a first snow. He leaned in closer, gathering her up for another reassuring, fatherly hug. Over his shoulder, Lily saw that James looked positively envious. Clark whispered something in her ear that made her pull away, shocked, and walk over to James. She hugged him too and got a rather lukewarm response.

Just as she was walking out the door of the flat and into the corridors, she thought about what Clark had said to her, vowing to go home and hug her father as she had as a little girl.

I've always wanted a daughter to raise…you'll make a perfect daughter…”

……

She did give her father a hug when she reached home, throwing her arms around him and letting her twirl her in the air. They stumbled down, laughing—Thomas could only spin her in a half circle before her weight brought them back down again. He hadn't done that since Lily was twelve and had announced solemnly that as a grown-up, she couldn't have her father throwing her around in the air, could she?

Lily put her head down on her father's shoulder and squeezed her eyes shut. Several things hit her in quick succession. He was bigger than she remembered—with every passing year it would be harder for him to keep weight off. His clothes were worn—he looked tired, as if he hadn't been sleeping. Him and all of Lily's friends, it seemed.

“Dinner in twenty,” he murmured quietly in her ear. “Go get washed up.”

Lily bounded up the stairs and into her room. She shut the door and took of her robes, slinging them onto a chair. She frowned when something thumped against the leg of the chair. She picked up her robes and realized that something was weighing down the pocket. She reached in and pulled out two things—Sabia's shawl, wrapped around the box Rebecca had given her. Lily had put a shrinking spell on it and then put the two things in her pocket.

She used her wand to take off the spell, setting the box down on her desk beside the shimmering shawl and sitting in her old chair. It creaked ominously. She opened the box and pushed the lid back. The dark velvet on the inside was soft to the touch but much thinner than she thought it would be. Frowning, she closed the box again and traced her finger over the words on the front, whispering them aloud. She yelped when the bottom of the box popped out—it was a concealed compartment.

She threw open the lid of the box again, feeling the bottom. It covered wood—it was a false bottom and that was why it was so thin compared to the sides and the lid. Inside the box was a folded square of parchment. She pulled it out gingerly and unfolded it. It was covered in Rebecca's handwriting and was dated two weeks ago, the night she had died. Lily smoothed it out over the desk for just a second before she dropped her eyes to the page and began to read.

Dear Lily,

I really need to say that I am so incredibly sorry. Things weren't supposed to go like this, not at all. I've just left Remus—I told him I felt terrible, but I think he knows I'm lying. I do, but I know why, so it doesn't bother me that much. I think I need to tell you what's going on, because after tonight I'm either dead or in prison and I'll be too cowardly to tell you anything if I live through this.

Vince and I lied when we said we hardly knew each other. I know him very well—if fact, I grew up with him. That's how I met Lucius, and I did tell the truth about that. It was Lucius who found out about me, through Augustus. I think Augustus had never considered how rare my abilities were until Lucius was so interested in them, and then my wonderful twin concocted his little plan with Vince.

We met a year ago in December to work out the kinks. We weren't expecting you to go out with him and were quite unsurprised when you refused. We thought to quit, but then Augustus told Vince to go on. So yes, Vince asked you out, and unfortunately, you accepted.

It was around then that I stopped talking to them. I had hardly spent time with them before and we had decided that we would all meet in secret to continue with what we were planning. And then I just…I KNEW, Lily. I knew that I couldn't. So I skipped all out meetings and avoided them. Vince was supposed to go out with you for a little while and get your blood—then he was supposed to break up with you. Since I had stopped meeting them and they had no way to get to me, Vince and Augustus decided that he would continue to date you until he could get close enough to tell me what to do.

And then I had this box made. I had it made for no reason at all and when I touched it I realized it was for you. I put the words on it and then I gave it to you for Christmas. It's made of lead, plated in silver. That's why it's so heavy. I know you can't get that necklace off, and if you look closely, you'll see two small chinks in the edge of the box. Put the two sides of the chain and shut the box—it'll snap the chain clean through.

Lily did so. It worked. She stared at the necklace which had plagued her for so long and flung it across the room, turning back to the letter as the pendant hit the wall with a faint click.

I didn't know Vince would kill James's mum. I swear to you—I never, ever knew. I hope you believe me because I wouldn't be able to rest peacefully if you thought I knew and said nothing. We've become friends, haven't we? You're hardly the bitch we all thought you were. You are…so full of something I can't describe. I hope you and James stay happy. I hope you don't have to someday realize that your life is unfulfilled. That's how I feel now.

Lily, this is so hard to tell you. Augustus planned to acquire your blood so he could control you. It sounds strange—this boy who you've never met wanting to control you—the theory was to get your blood and then to get to James, and thus his parents. He knew how much James liked you—I could tell and therefore so he could he. James's parents are on the verge of blowing the lid off the Malfoy operation and they have no idea…they also have no idea that if they destroy the Malfoys, they destroy the Rookwoods.

I'm just about to go into the forest to meet Augustus and Vince—I'll try however I can to help you. I wish we'd known each other better…I wish I'd slept with Remus, yeah? I don't think this night will end well. I have to tell you just one more thing. Please be nice to Mary and Elizabeth. I know you think they're ninnies. They're not. And yes, they hate you, but not as much as you think. They're only horrible to you because you've always been a bit different, and they've always wanted to stand out. They envy you and they pity you. Please give them a chance. That's my last wish. I swear.

Love,

Rebecca.

Augustus Rookwood.

Augustus Rookwood had killed Rebecca! He had been there! He must have…he must have put a memory charm on us, Lily thought, furious. She slammed the box shut and yelped yet again when her father cleared his throat. She whirled towards the door. “Dad!”

“Are you alright, lily? I've been watching you for the last ten minutes—what were you reading?”

“A letter,” Lily said quickly. “Dinner ready?”

“Yes,” her father said suspiciously. He turned to leave and Lily wiped her eyes while his back was turned. She followed her father downstairs and to the table, again wiping her eyes. She felt empty—she had no idea what to think about Rebecca.

They were halfway through their pasta, Lily and her parents, when an owl slammed against their window. Lily jumped up and let it in. The owl flapped around the kitchen, over the heads of Lily's unmoving parents. It finally calmed down and landed on a chair, allowing Lily to take the slip of parchment from its talon.

It was in James's handwriting: Outside. Five minutes.

Lily looked at her parents. “I'll be right back,” she said quietly, staring at the owl, quite bothered. It looked—but then it flew away. Something struck Lily as odd, but she went outside anyways, ignoring the queries by her parents.

As soon as five minutes had passed outside Lily was wishing she had brought a cloak. The moment she head feet crunching on the snow behind her she realized what was wrong with that owl—it wasn't James's—it was an owl she had frequently seen with Lucifer, Vince's owl.

She snapped around and saw Augustus Rookwood. “YOU!” she yelled, pointing her finger at him. “You little shit,” she continued vehemently, “I read your sister's letter!”

Unfortunately, Lily had forgotten her wand. She glared when he petrified her and tried to dodge his next spell.

“Oblivatus Meus,” he said calmly. Lily's mind was blank for a brief second—she was floating in nothing—did she exist? She thought for a moment that she was at sea—what was a sea? All she saw was white above and black below, with gray straight ahead. She came back to herself in only a moment, looked around, and then fell away in a dead faint.

She woke when someone slapped her face lightly. She blinked up at Sirius's devastatingly handsome face, groggy and disoriented. She was freezing. Sirius helped her to sit up and she looked around—for some reason she was behind a bush.

“Oi!” he yelled. “I found her!”

Footsteps pounded on the ground. Remus, her parents, and Clark Potter suddenly appeared, breathing hard and ruddy-cheeked from the cold.

“What's going on?” Lily muttered. “Why am I out here?”

Her parents looked shocked. “Lily,” her mother said slowly, “you said you would be right back. After fifteen minutes we came to look for you—but just then—”

“We came,” Sirius put in gently. “How long have you been out here? What happened?”

Lily looked blankly up at him. “I don't remember. I just remember a letter…a note…I'm not sure. Is James here?”

Remus and Sirius glanced at each other quickly—Lily rather thought they expected her to miss it. “No,” Sirius said. “He and Peter are back at the flat. We came here to tell you something.”

“What's that?”

“Vince Malfoy's dead. Murdered,” Clark revealed quietly. “Let's get you inside, Lily. It's terribly cold out here.”

Sirius and her father helped her to her feet. Lily thought she saw a glare on Thomas's face as he regarded Sirius, who had one of his arms around Lily waist. Sirius didn't seem to notice. Either that or he simply didn't care. They deposited her on the couch in front of the fire.

“Dead?” Lily finally asked.

“Yes,” Clark said. “He's dead.”

“But he…but he killed Sabia.” Lily tongue felt thick and her words were slow.

Clark winced. “I know.”

“He—Sirius, he killed Sabia. And Rebecca. And he dies—he gets away with it without anyone knowing the truth? Everyone will think he was innocent!”

“Who's Rebecca?” Lily's mum asked quickly. “Lily—someone else died?”

“I can't believe he's dead,” Lily said, ignoring the question. “I…so there's no trial?”

Remus shook his head but said nothing.

Lily sighed. “Thank you…for telling me. You should go back to the flat.”

They all hesitated, but finally left when Lily insisted again. Lily's mum looked like she was about to start up with questions, but Lily told her parents she was very tired and would be sleeping. She went upstairs, undressed down to her underwear, and then collapsed on her bed with no nightclothes. She was entirely to rattle to find something and put it on. She huddled under her heavy quilt and within seconds was asleep again.

She felt the bed dip down and her eyes snapped open. It was some hours later, past one in the morning. Lily looked up and recognized James's profile. She sat up but he put his finger over his lips and shook his head.

“What are you doing here?” she asked softly.

“Someone killed Vince,” he answered, his voice just as low as hers. “And you're half naked.”

She looked down at her bra and knickers and then up at his face blankly. “So…?”

“Just saying,” he responded meanly. “Let's sleep.” He flopped back on the bed, his arms at his sides, and then simply stared up at the ceiling with no expression on his face. Lily stared at him in disgust before getting up and snatching her pillow from the bed. She threw it down onto the carpeted floor and then got an extra blanket, settling down to sleep on the scratchy fabric.

She didn't know what woke her, but she blinked in the daylight that was streaming in through the windows. She was on the bed again, wrapped securely in her comforter and curled up in a warm hollow. She put her hand on the rumpled place where James had slept—it was cold. He had left already.

They were supposed to be getting closer, not completely deteriorating into nothing. Lily kicked her blankets off and went to take a shower, dressing quickly. It was just past ten in the morning.

James was actually sitting downstairs with her parents, his hair wet and his clothes neat. He had obviously changed and washed at some point. Before she could ask anything, her mother said, “Lily—finally awake, I see. James stopped by just ten minutes ago. He's eating brunch with us.”

Lily glared at him and yanked out a chair, reaching for some orange juice and pouring herself a glass. She was alarmed to see how angry her father looked whenever his eyes fell on James. She started in on her bacon and waffles and finished in record time.

“When are you going back to school?” James asked suddenly, leaning in to whisper. Lily saw her father cross his arms and narrow his eyes.

“When are—” She had been about to say “you” but apparently he wanted nothing to do with her. “Tonight,” she managed. “That way I'll be back for classes on Monday.”

He nodded and returned to his plate. Samantha asked him something but Lily retreated within herself, staring at James for the rest of the meal. How could he possibly be so closed off? He had lost so much and now he was only trying to push her away. She wouldn't let him do that.

“Have you and James been going out for long?” Thomas asked during a lull in the conversation. James opened his mouth to reply but Lily cut him off.

“Seems like forever, Daddy.” Lily's mother raised her eyebrows at the sarcasm in Lily's voice. James sat back in his chair and looked chastised. Lily threw her napkin down, gathered her plate, and took it to the kitchen to wash, leaving James to his own devices for a while.

……

Around one she began to look for him. She finally found him sitting outside on the sundeck under the awning, although he wasn't absorbing any sun because it was so dismal outside. Rain was drizzling down steadily. She couldn't understand why he wasn't outside in it—he was dry, sitting just by the edge of the shelter. The rain was…just out of his reach.

“James?”

“Go away,” he snapped.

Lily paused by the screen door. She was utterly tired of this. She turned and went back into the kitchen, where her mother was washing dishes by hand. She began handing them to Lily to dry.

“He's been sitting out there for half an hour,” said Samantha conspiratorially.

“I don't care,” Lily, irrationally irritated.

Samantha raised an eyebrow. “Is that right?”

Lily rolled her eyes.

“Lily, you can't expect things to be too easy.”

Lily laughed and laughed and laughed. “Easy? Please! I wish!”

“Your father dislikes James.”

Lily's head snapped up. “Why? What isn't there to like? Dad simply—”

Samantha smiled knowingly and Lily flushed, looking down. “I thought you didn't care.”

“I'm young. I say stupid things,” Lily said tonelessly, starting to put the dishes away.

“He's a sweet boy, Lily. Give him a chance.”

Lily sighed, rubbing her forehead. “He's never going to be out of chances with me, Mum—I'll keep on giving him chances until I'm old and grey. I just…right now it's so…”

“Maybe you—”

“I do love him, Mum. Only…I wish we'd had more time before everything got so serious. I—he has so much emptiness inside of him right now. His mother's gone, his father's a shell—he has no family to speak of besides his friends and me.”

Samantha put her freshly dried hand in Lily's hair and began to massage her scalp lightly, as she had when Lily was much younger.

Lily put the heels of her hands to her eyes to stem the tears. All she wanted right now was to sleep. “What if I turn out to be wrong and suddenly—I'm not the one that he needs? What if he stays empty and I just make it worse until he's all sharp corners and harness and no sweetness at all—what if that void eats him up and he black and bitter and…”

“And?” Samantha asked patiently, smoothing down Lily's tangled hair.

“And what if I wake up one day and I turn over and I don't want to hug him?” Lily cried. “What if I've hugged him so many times with no response that I finally don't want to anymore?”

“The boy does just beg for hugs, doesn't he?” Samantha mused. She turned Lily around with her hands on the young girl's shoulders, pulling her in closer and looking her right in the eyes. “Do you love James, dear?”

Lily nodded. Samantha wiped the tears from beneath her eyes with her thumbs.

“Then why don't you go make sure he knows that?”

Lily shrugged listlessly. “He just said for me to go away and leave him be. What makes you think he'll be any more receptive after fifteen minutes?”

Samantha smiled and turned Lily again so she was facing out the window and could see over the small backyard, down to the bank of the tiny creek that ran across the back of the property. James was sitting on the bank, his legs dangling over the side and into the undersized ravine.

“I'm going upstairs. I won't be down for a while and I won't be looking out the windows.”

“Mum?” Lily asked, posing her earlier unanswered question in that one word.

“He's finally gone out into the rain, love,” Samantha said in reply, and then pushed Lily over to the screen door, before leaving the cluttered kitchen and disappearing from sight. Lily hesitated at the door and then left the warmth of her house, stepping out into the slushy snow that covered what had once been a nicely manicured lawn. Her father had to restore it every spring because of the rain and snow. She slid her way along to James, who had cleared some snow and was simply sitting in the rain on top of the brown grass revealed beneath, his head tipped back and his glasses beaded with droplets of shining water.

“Cold?” she asked.

“A little. Right stupid it was, coming out here like this.”

“It's nice,” Lily offered benignly.

“Do you need something?”

“No.”

They sat in silence for a moment. Lily then turned to James and studied him. She bit her lip and tried, once again, to force tears back into their ducts. She didn't have any use for them, not now. “James.”

“Yeah?”

“Do you love me?”

He turned his head a fraction of an inch to the side and was able to slam his gaze into hers. “Yeah.”

He didn't sound very sure.

“Are you sure?” Lily persisted.

“Yes.” James's gaze…tightened on hers, locking her in and pulling her close without even touching her. “I love you, Lily.”

“I love you too,” Lily said, swallowing hard.

James nodded, slowly closing his eyes. It was the first time she had said it to him, Lily suddenly realized. Like this. Here. In the rain. Despicable. Lovely.

“I'm going to be an Auror,” she continued.

His head jerked up. “What?”

“An Auror,” she repeated.

“You want to be a Healer, Lily. You've wanted to be a Healer since Third Year!”

How did he know that?—oh, she had told him. She shrugged. “I'm going to be an Auror instead.”

“Why? Why? Do you have a death wish or something? Do you want to get yourself killed out there?”

“Do you?” Lily retorted, not letting him look away.

“That's different!”

“Oh ho!” Lily exclaimed. “I never thought you were one for double standards, James!”

“It's not a double standard, Lily!” James ran a hand through his hair. It sprang up from its wetness and messed up with a vengeance, infused with a life of its own. “I—I've always wanted this. It's what I was born for. Who's going to make up for the ones I kill if you're not there healing others?”

Lily knew her lips were trembling. “I…I thought that if we were both Aurors, we could stay together when we get married and be partners. If I'm a Healer and you're an Auror you'll have to go away without me and leave me home and…”

James shut his mouth, staring at her for long blocks of time that stretched out into an eternity. “Married?” he finally echoed, his voice faint.

Lily nodded. She hadn't even known. Now she did.

James looked down. “I thought we might take a break.”

Lily's lips thinned. A break? No…she couldn't…

“A break,” she said dully. “Oh.”

“I'm messed up. We're messed up. I need…”

“A break?” Lily substituted bitterly. “Just a guess.”

“Do you remember when you told me about that necklace? You were reading a book—we were in my room and it was just before Sirius came in. You told me that Vince had you under his thumb and all I felt was…pure amazement that a person could do that to another human being. I couldn't even get angry. I only feel alive when we're shagging. I don't want to live like that.”

Lily still stared at him mutely.

“We've done a lot of damage to each other over the past month, Lily. Getting—I'm not even sure what I want to do, whether I want to be an Auror or a…or an Unspeakable or the bloody bartender at the Hog's Head…I don't know. We both need time to figure things out and reconfigure—where are you going?”

Lily had jumped up and was running back up through the wet snow, clenching her fists. Halfway up to the deck she whipped around and stalked back to James.

“We are not taking a break,” she told him through gritted teeth.

“Haven't you been listening to me, Lily?” he asked exasperatedly.

“Yes. Reconfigure—bullshit. We're not taking a break. You're going to kill yourself or something equally devastating.”

“Don't be ridiculous. I'm not going to kill myself.”

“Please don't do this,” Lily begged, sinking down to her knees next to him. She tried to keep from shivering. “I'll do anything—please don't do this.”

James reached out two freezing cold hands and put them on either side of her face. “You look lovely right now,” he said softly, tugging her in tighter. Lily put her head down on his wet shirt and felt his arms go around her.

“Do I?”

He only stroked her hair in response. Lily shivered and rubbed her nose into his wet shirt.

“Are you cold?”

She nodded.

“Go inside, then.”

She shook her head.

“Go inside, Lily,” he said wearily.

She raised her head and looked up. “No,” she breathed. “No…”

He rubbed his thumb over her lips. “They'll get chapped,” he reproached her, almost as if kissing chapped lips would be the end of the world.

“Do you care?” she demanded.

“Of course not. Go inside.”

Lily pulled back. “God! James—you…oh, God, you are so—”

“Do you actually believe in God? You sure say it a lot.”

It was quiet, loaded question. Lily rubbed her mouth (her lips would get chapped) and then sighed. Why did he do this? Why did he have to switch tracks so quickly she could hardly think?

“I don't know. No, not really. How can you believe in something that's not there?”

“Exactly. It's…it's blind faith. I can't see it or hear it but I can feel it.” James swallowed. He looked down the ten yard drop into the thin ravine and at the frozen creek below.

“What's it?”

“Do you think I loved my mother? D'you think I love my father?” James's head tilted up and his blazing, grief-stricken gaze tripped up her face.

“Yes,” Lily whispered.

“But you can't see love. You can't hear it or touch it. You can just feel it.”

Lily furrowed her brow, completely confused as to what he was saying. Hadn't he just said…“So you don't love your father. You don't love your mother, or Sirius, or me, or—?”

“No!” James burst out, making little gestures of protest with his hands. “I do love me father and my mother and you and even Sirius. I don't know if I can…I think I need to get away from everything. I need to—”

“Reconfigure,” Lily murmured. She bit her lip hard and blinked several times.

“I love you, Lily. I don't want you to doubt that.”

“No,” Lily said, looking down at her hands. “You're right. You can't see it or hear it or touch it. It's just…like you're dying slowly. Like it's going to eat you up until all that's left is love and you aren't just one person anymore.”

James was staring at her, flummoxed. “You really feel like that?”

Lily looked at him miserably. “Don't you?”

They kept quiet as he stared at her. Lily knew he was casting about for something to tell her. “I don't need to believe in God. You're like a higher power…you make it all better.”

Lily managed a trembling smile. “That was a good line. Fantastic. Really.”

He actually grinned at her. It faded slowly. The sun was going down with his smile. Lily noticed that there was no sun, so it couldn't possibly be going down. She imply thought it was in her mind.

“If you want a break, James, then you can have one,” she said slowly. “But if…if we break up I don't see how we're ever going to stay in love. I don't want to walk around ridden with teen angst because my boyfriend broke up with me. We have enough to mourn for without burying what we need instead.”

“I don't want to be happy.”

“I'm going to give you chances until I die, James,” Lily swore. “I promise—I'm going to wait for you for as long as it takes for you to want to be happy again.”

He pressed cold lips to her forehead. “Go inside, Lily.” He hunched his shoulders and turned away. Lily managed a trembling little smile before walking quickly up to the house and brushing past her sister and mother. She didn't know when Petunia had reached home, and she simply didn't care. She laid down gently on her bed, closed her eyes, and cried herself silently into the deep and consuming abyss of sleep.

……

No one quite knew what had happened between Lily and James and they told no one. For the next week, Lily talked only with Mary and Elizabeth, who indeed were much nicer when they realized that Lily was willing to be nice. She found herself gravitating towards Mary more than Elizabeth, something that gave Lily pause. She had always dislike marry more of the two.

She still told no one what had happened. He must have told Sirius and Remus and Peter, because every time she passed them they gave her encouraging, sympathetic looks, even Peter. Lily threw herself into her books and only came out of her book-induced haze when she saw James sitting by the edge of the lake during her walk back from Hagrid's. Not quite sure what she was doing, she walked over and sat down next to him.

“Hello.”

“Hey.”

It was the first interaction they had had all week. They sat awkwardly for twenty minutes and heard the bell ring, signaling the end of lunch and the beginning of the afternoon classes. Lily looked at James expectantly and he turned to meet her eyes. “Go inside,” he said flatly. Lily nodded shortly and did so.

Every day Lily found him there, sitting by the lake and staring out over the surface. She sat with him in an awkward net so horrible that Lily felt embarrassed just being there. Every day he told her to go inside so she wouldn't be late and then arrived five minutes late to whatever class they had after lunch. This continued through the rest of the week; teachers were beginning to get annoyed at take away house points. No one said a word to him about.

The next Monday, Lily sat down beside him and handed him a chocolate frog. He smiled slightly and unwrapped it, taking the card out and eating the sweet in little pieces. He was about to offer her some but Lily took out her own and unwrapped that too.

The bell rang.

“Go inside,” he said gently. Lily nodded and got up, but not before hugging him and kissing his cheek gently. He turned his head and gave her a shallow kiss on the mouth before pushing her towards the castle. Lily walked alone, her mind still reeling. People on breaks did not kiss. Perhaps she should stay away the next day and see whether he missed her…

In the end she went down anyways. He didn't kiss her and he once more told her to go inside when the time came. Lily considered refusing but then didn't—he seemed to need this. He needed to know that she would come back no matter what.

On Friday, two weeks after he had decided they would separate, Lily handed him his mother's shawl. He stared at it before rolling it up into a ball and putting it in his pocket. They sat together for a long while, Lily aching to say something but knowing she should not.

He spoke as the bell rang, his words indecipherable but their meaning clear. She got up and turned away but he stopped her.

“Lily.”

She looked back at him.

“I love you.”

Her heart sped up. She jerked her head in a nod, fully moving her body so she was facing him.

“I'll be late,” she managed hoarsely.

“Stay,” he said simply. Ten arguments formed in Lily's mind before she took a hesitant step forward. She got down to her knees beside him and he kissed her lightly, cradling her head reverently in his hands. He mapped her face with his fingers, memorizing it and then sliding his hands down her sides. He saw that belligerence in her eyes and kissed her again. Her arguments melted away, every last one.

Lily jerked away from him, bending her head and trying to keep her eyes open. They were heavy with relief. This felt so good she couldn't stand it. James tried to get her to look and finally moved his head down so he could kiss her again.

“…love you” she whispered squeakily, clearing her throat and laughing breathily. He smiled, his forehead against hers.

She began to move away, saying she would be late. James put his hands firmly on her shoulders and tugged her in, tucking her head into his neck. Lily's hands fluttered weakly over his chest.

He murmured the word over and over again into her hair. His whispers were soft and Lily tried not to smile—she could hardly help it. Her hand curled around the nape of his neck and she thought about a pretty white dress and a towering cake with crisp champagne.

“Stay.”

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Lust or Love

1. Chapter One: Of Lies and Shagging

2. Chapter Two: Of the Devil and Deals

3. Chapter Three: Of Sirius and Slipups

4. Chapter Four: Of Kisses and Tears

5. Chapter Five: Of Questions and Quiet Love

6. Chapter Six: Of Remus and Birthdays

7. Chapter Seven: Of Makeouts and Interruptions

8. Chapter Eight: Of Shopping and Shocks

9. Chapter Nine: Of Tempers and Throwouts

10. Chapter Ten: Of Sherry and Control Freaks

11. Chapter Eleven: Of Gifts and Giving In

12. Chapter Twelve: Of Apologies and Collapses

13. Chapter Thirteen: Of Photos and Fights

14. Chapter Fourteen: Of Duels and Defense

15. Chapter Fifteen: Of Revelations and Resolutions

16. Chapter Sixteen: Of Strangeness and Stories

17. Chapter Seventeen: Of Reality and Running

18. Chapter Eighteen: Of Giving and Herself

19. Chapter Nineteen: Of Rapists and Reflection

20. Chapter Twenty: Of Stalking and Storming

21. Chapter Twenty-One: Of Lies and Hatred

22. Chapter Twenty-Two: Of Pride and Masochism

23. Chapter Twenty-Three: Of Bruises and Sorry Boys

24. Chapter Twenty-Four: Of Wretches and Wrongs

25. Chapter Twenty-Five: Of Skies and Suspicion

26. Chapter Twenty-Six: Of Cruel Truths and Kind Poison

27. Chapter Twenty-Seven: Of Breaking and Purity

28. Chapter Twenty-Eight: Of Lust and Love

29. Chapter Twenty-Nine: Of Silver and Cold

30. Chapter Thirty: Of Lily and James