Reason

ChristyCorr

Rating: R
Genres: Drama, Romance
Relationships: Lily & James
Book: Lily & James, Books 1 - 5
Published: 27/04/2005
Last Updated: 27/04/2005
Status: paused

She was strong. She could handle it. Death and betrayal were nothing against the reason of one Lily Evans... Or so she thought.

Chapters

1. Give me a reason

1. Give me a reason

A/N This is the prequel to Hopelessly Addicted – well, one of the prequels. It's being rewritten, very, very slowly.

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Reason

Chapter 1

"Give me a reason"

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And so it is, just like you said it would be

Life goes easy on me, most of the time

And so it is, the shorter story – no love, no glory

No hero in her sky…

Damien Rice, "The Blower's Daughter"

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The world wasn't perfect.

There was a time in every person's life when he or she finally realised that happiness was unattainable, and that life wasn't meant to be flawless. It was a sad moment; reality finally hit a naïve heart with its full force, shattering illusions and breaking hearts.

That life-changing moment had arrived for seventeen-year-old Lily Evans. She didn't care.

The busy train station in Hogsmeade was full of wizards coming and going, focused on their problems. They were happy or sad; most were simply miserable, and many were grieving. Life these days was part permanent mourning and part learning to cope with daily terror. It wasn't easy to adapt to the new circumstances; but then again, existing was not supposed to be easy.

The air was steamy despite the cold late afternoon breeze. Pulling her trunk without difficulty, Lily squinted, and examined the surroundings one more time, to no avail. No, James hadn't come.

His absence was strange, and perhaps even slightly alarming. James had promised to be there, and he usually kept his promises. Nevertheless, her mind was far too preoccupied to start conjecturing. Lily was busy trying to think of nothing, remember nothing, and feel nothing.

It was a difficult task – impossible, even. The otherwise revolting recollection of her sister's endless pestering during the days before the wedding didn't bother Lily. The humiliation of enduring Vernon Dursley's insinuations was distant, unimportant. The memory of her parents' kindness and love – even that of their occasional bickering, which always ended well – was painful, painful…

They had been murdered. It was a remarkably simple event, really: Death Eaters had felt like having fun, so they had raided the Evans household. There wasn't any other reason for the attack; it was only an awful coincidence. Collateral damage, the Ministry official had told her.

That man didn't care, she knew. Deaths were frequent these days; why should two insignificant Muggles disquiet the Ministry? There would be no investigation of the murder. Law Enforcement wasn't nearly powerful enough to try and prevent more assassinations, let alone study each case.

Lily figured that it was probably better this way. Her career of choice involved chasing Death Eaters – she had long since decided to become an Auror –, and every single one she captured would be her parents' murderer. There would be no Ministry worker as zealous and fierce as Lily Evans.

Well, perhaps James would be her equal. His parents had been murdered last Christmas, and he, too, had decided to fight against Voldemort for the rest of his life. The prospect of working with him was pleasant, and somewhat soothing. They would remain together – fighting, surviving, suffering, dying…

Lily entered a horseless carriage; she couldn't see the Thestrals pulling it, and perhaps things were better that way. She couldn't help wondering if she could have prevented her parents' deaths, had she been there at the right moment. But no – she had only set eyes on their corpses much later.

She made her way around the school involuntarily – deserted grounds, silent Great Hall, empty hallways, up some stairs, two or three turns, up a little more, password, common room. Most students were in class; that was just fine by Lily. She didn't want to meet anyone, except for James.

Where was he now? Lily tried in vain to remember the class schedule. Making her way to the staircase leading to the girls' dormitories, she figured that she would just wait for him in her room – or his.

Lily froze when she heard his voice. Her brain wasn't working fast enough for her to draw any conclusions, but she knew something was seriously wrong. What was James doing in the girls' dormitories? What if –?

She tried hard to stop the obvious reality from slapping her in the face. No. James loved her. He would never do something like that.

Some split-second glamour spell prevented him from seeing her when he left the seventh-year girls' room. He walked down the stairs in a hurry, and looked around to see if he had been caught. There was no one there, and he seemed relieved.

Lily felt numb. She didn't want to believe it. How could he have done something like that?

Two minutes later, Kate Malshirn left the room. Her slightly dishevelled appearance and the smug grin on her face revealed the gruesome, shocking truth. James had cheated on Lily, and he had done it with – to put it mildly – the school slut.

He didn't talk to the girl, and hurried out of the common room. Grinning bitterly, Lily wondered if he was on his way to the Hogsmeade train station.

No, that wasn't likely. He had forgotten her – he had forgotten them.

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It's not right, but it's okay – I'm gonna make it anyway

Pack your bags up and leave; don't you dare come running back to me

It's not right, but it's okay – I'm gonna make it anyway

Close the door behind you, leave your keys

I'd rather be alone than unhappy…

Whitney Houston, "It's not right (but it's okay)"

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Lily's feet refused to move. She couldn't move, she couldn't breathe, she couldn't think – above all, she didn't want to think. Why had James done this to her? Why now, of all times?

Anger was probably was she was supposed to be feeling, but it wasn't the case. Lily was just too tired of hating, exhausted from the many hours of wishing she could turn back time and change all that had happened. She was confused, and sad.

Where was James now? She would have to face him soon; it was better to finish it once and for all.

Finish. Breaking up with James was certainly the last thing she'd hoped to do on the day of her return. She needed help, solace and love – he could offer none of those things now.

One step, another step, another step – why was it so hard to move? Why did Lily feel like she was trapped in some nightmare? Her reality was fickle, absurd. She didn't how to feel, how to act, what to do. This was all wrong – why had her world come tumbling down so fast?

Lily could barely remember saying the password to the portrait that guarded her room and emptying her trunk. Her hands worked mechanically; her mind was still reeling with the possibility that their relationship didn't mean a thing to James Potter.

She lay down on her bed – the bed they had shared so many times, the bed she had grown accustomed to think of as theirs, not just her own. Every single thing in this room reminded her of him somehow; his influence on her had been far too great.

Lily had to be reasonable, and tried her best to be. It was essential for her to maintain some aloofness when talking to him – even if it hurt, even if what she really wanted was to cry, and to make him suffer…

"I thought you were only coming tomorrow."

Lily suddenly realised that she had come down the stairs – how many times had James and Kate climbed those stairs together? – to the common room, and James was there.

James looked different – distracted, distressed. Even if she hadn't seen him with Kate, Lily would have noticed that something was afoot.

"I arrived a few minutes ago," Lily shrugged, staring at him. Was he going to break up with her now? Well, she had to play innocent, at least for now. "Are you all right? You seem a little odd."

Oh yes, he was. He fidgeted uneasily, and beckoned her to an armchair near the fireplace. "I… wanted to talk to you," James began lamely.

Lily frowned. She wasn't nervous; she knew what was coming, and she knew how she would respond.

"I'm listening."

He didn't look into her eyes, and she tried in vain to gaze into his. "I really don't think we're meant to be together, Lily. I mean, we had a great time and all, but… we just don't work well enough."

His voice was hurried, ragged; James didn't mean what he was saying. But he did want to break up with her, no matter what excuses he was using.

It was absurd to say they didn't work well together. They had always synchronised remarkably well, even when they still hated each other – Lily and James were always paired up in classes, and were both Chasers on the Gryffindor Quidditch team.

Lily shook her head. "Yes, well, if that's the way you want to look at it…"

Finally, he looked up to meet her eyes – why did he seem so troubled? "Tell me what you think, then."

"How about the truth? You want to be with Kate Malshirn – Merlin knows why, everyone knows what kind of girl she is."

James gaped, clearly wondering who had told her about his involvement with Kate.

"One day, I'd like to know what made you do pick her over me. But, regardless of that, I would've appreciated it if you had been a little more honest. Does the rest of the school know about this yet?"

James shifted in his chair, taken by surprise.

"Er – Lily, I –"

"Oh, you’ll only make it public after breaking up with me? How thoughtful of you."

"I – I –"

Lily ignored his incoherent babbling – James had never been this pathetic when cornered before – and continued to intimidate him. "It will be easier, won't it? You'll cheat on her and lie all the time, just like you did to all your previous girlfriends. Is that why you broke up with me? Were you tired of being faithful to one girl?"

"No, I –"

"You've always known that you couldn't cheat on me like everyone else."

He took a deep breath. "We can… remain friends."

She threw him a look so full of contempt that he almost recoiled. "Of course; we'll have to do so. We still have work to do together."

"Well, that's not –"

"It's pointless, James." Lily looked at her watch, and was startled to see that it was past eleven PM. "Look, it's almost midnight; Kate's probably waiting for you for a late Hogsmeade visit. You'd better hurry."

James raised an eyebrow. "How –"

She shrugged, standing. "You took me there; you take every one of your girls there. I took a chance. Goodbye, James."

Lily could hear his fast breathing; he was nervous, more so than before their talk.

"Bye."

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It's not romantic here in blue – swimming, swimming in blue

You left me lonely and confused – question, questioning you

So soon goodbye you stole my heart – believe, believing you

Was it a lie right from the start? Answer, answer me do…

The Corrs, "Give me a reason"

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Had she really managed to be cool-headed when talking to James? What had happened to all the pain? Why had no suffering shown in her eyes? Why hadn't he noticed how awful she felt? He knew her better than anyone…

Her eyes began stinging, and she knew tears were coming. Lily hurried to the Head Students' bathroom; the last thing she needed was for someone to see her crying and relay the news to James.

She locked the entrance to the passageway from the common room, but didn't bother locking the way to James' room. He wasn't returning any time soon, and closing that door required talking to the portrait. She didn't want to talk to anyone.

Why had James done that? Why now, why hurt her precisely when she was most fragile? Why couldn't he have stayed with her and helped her deal with grief, just like she had done for him? She needed him…

His actions didn’t even make sense. They loved each other, and they worked perfectly together! The Head Students were known for arguing in public every once in a while, but, in the end, everything always ended up fine.

Lily cried. In the past few days, one thing that had helped to keep her going was the thought that she would have his shoulder to cry on, that she wouldn't have to face the pain alone.

Naturally, Petunia had blamed Lily for their parents' deaths, and Lily blamed herself as well. She should've been there – she shouldn't have left them alone. The Death Eaters had met no resistance whatsoever; it was evident that they had tortured the couple for a while.

And now they were dead, and Lily was alone.

She definitely hadn't imagined that he would leave her. She had trusted him with her heart, her stability, her sanity, her life… And now that was gone, and he was with Kate Malshirn. Had he been seeing the girl for some time now?

"James loved me," she whispered, still shaking with sobs. "He loved me, he loved me…"

Had he ever truly loved her? Lily didn't know; she couldn't be sure of anything anymore. Had he lied to her all this time?

Yes, James had probably used all the standard promises, and she had believed him. She had been gullible, excessively trusting, and he had taken advantage of her vulnerability.

And now he had done it again.

However, James would never see the pain he had caused; she would always treat him with cold civility. But Lily was dying inside, little by little. She could feel the void taking over, and she wished it could anaesthetise her heart.

Lily just didn't want to feel anymore. Everyone she loved was gone – there was only grief, and regret.

Life had never been worse.

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You'll never know the love I felt – wanting, waiting for you

It takes a weak heart to forget – follow, follow it through (…)

So what's a girl like me to do? Drowning, drowning in you

And who's to save me from the blue, and carry, carry me through?

The Corrs, "Give me a reason"

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Why had she believed him in first place? She shouldn't have ignored his reputation, or given him a chance. He had always been a player, after all; he had never really cared for his girlfriends. She wasn't any different from all the others.

What they'd shared was no more than a stupid teenage crush. Oh, of course Lily had learned to love him, and she'd let her guard down… But not James – he had simply used her, and then dumped her. It was only natural.

"Fool," she snarled, glaring at her reflection on the mirror. "You gullible idiot, how could you think a sixteen-year-old boy knew how to love?"

Lily wiped the tears from her cheeks. She would fight back – she would react. Breaking up with James would probably not have affected her this much if it hadn't been for her parents' deaths, really.

She laughed, almost involuntarily. The echo in the empty stone bathroom startled her; why did she sound so bitter, so cold? What had changed inside her in the past few days?

Yes, she was resentful and furious, but there was something else: scepticism.

It was futile to try and examine her feelings with detachment, of course. The wounds were still too recent. She could tell she wasn't being honest with herself.

The end of her relationship with James had affected her immensely, regardless of her parents' tragic demise. Obviously, she was much more fragile – and that only made her angrier. She was enraged; she hated the world and everything in it. Why couldn't life be fair?

Why couldn't fate realise that she was only sixteen years old? She deserved to be happy; she deserved to feel loved…

Well, it clearly wasn't meant to be. She had no one left; her sister disliked her immensely, and none of her friendships had any true depth.

Her life consisted solely of Hogwarts. And after that, what would she do?

She'd always planned on becoming an Auror, but so had James. Since working with him would certainly be impossible, she would have to find another profession.

That wouldn't be a problem. Lily would immerse herself in as much knowledge as she could, and focus on studying. Magic would be her stronghold; someday, success would help her forget the emptiness in her heart.

Why did that sound so impossible? Why did it feel like the pain was never going to end? Was she going to be alone for the rest of her life?

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And so it is, the colder water, the blower's daughter, the pupil in denial

I can't take my eyes off you, I can't take my eyes off you…

Oh, did I say that I loathe you?

Did I say that I want to leave it all behind?

I can't take my mind off you…

Damien Rice, "The Blower's Daughter"

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No, Lily couldn't let herself be defeated like this. She had to act like everything was fine – no one could know that she was crumbling inside.

"I just – don't love him anymore," she said firmly, frowning at the weak girl in the mirror. "I don't."

This was how life was going to be from now on. Lily would go on mechanically, and live an emotionless existence. Eventually, she wouldn't care anymore.

She would forget James someday. Until then, she would behave normally around him – distant and sarcastic, perhaps, but never embittered. She would prove to him just how little he'd meant to her. He would regret leaving her, but she would never give him the time of the day again.

But oh, she would continue hating him. She would never forget what he had done.

Yes, she was alone, but it was better that way: no one could hurt her now.

She didn't need to be happy. She'd already tried that, and nothing good had come out of it. Life wasn't about happiness; it was about strength.

Lily would be strong. She was strong, more so than anyone imagined.

She closed her eyes, and inhaled deeply. Would she be strong enough to resist him? What if James realised the mistake he had made? What if he decided to come back to her? Would she take him back, after what he had done?

It would be hard to forgive his imprudent decision. Why had he decided to break up with her for Kate? If only he had repented, if only he had decided to be honest and stay with Lily despite everything…

Yes, she would take him back. If he gave her a reason for his behaviour – the moment he admitted his stupidity and begged her to return – yes, she would do it.

Lily turned to look at the door leading to his room, with sudden, irrational hope.

No, he hadn't come. He wouldn't come; he would never, ever return to her.

James didn't love her anymore, and she had to live with that.

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My lullaby, hung out to dry – what's up with that? It's over

Where are you, dad? (…) Bleeding is breathing

You're hiding underneath the smoke in the room

Try, bleeding is believing – I used to…

My mouth is dry; forgot how to cry…

What's up with that? You're hurting me…

Natalie Imbruglia, "Smoke"

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Why had all this happened to her? Why her parents, why her boyfriend?

It made no sense. Her parents were Muggles, a pleasant, harmless couple who had never had much contact with the wizarding world. Their deaths seemed so absurd, so utterly irrational, that Lily often found herself wondering if it had happened at all.

She had seen their dead bodies. She had wept against Mrs. Evans' cold hand; she had closed her father's widened, fear-struck eyes… But it was still hard to believe. Why?

How could there be people who murdered for fun? How could someone be so numb, so heartless?

How could James be so heartless? She'd thought that she had known him. She had never imagined that he would do something like this to her.

"Bastard," Lily growled, her eyes fixed on the empty doorway. She would never call him that to his face – he hated it when people insulted his mother.

She didn't really care about his feelings anymore. She needed to get rid of this sadness, of this longing for him – even after all he had done. Why couldn't he just come and tell her that everything was all right? Why couldn't he come and tell her that it was all just a misunderstanding?

No, he wouldn't come. James had cheated on her, and he didn't love her anymore – if he ever had, that is.

"Bastard!" she yelled.

A pair of hazel eyes looked at her from the dark doorway with alarm, and some anxiety. Lily held her breath; she could hardly believe it.

James had come.

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You and me, we used to be together, every day together, always

I really feel that I'm losing my best friend; I can't believe this could be the end (…)

As we die, both you and I, with my head in my hands, I sit and cry

Don't speak, I know just what you're saying, so please stop explaining

Don't tell me, 'cause it hurts; don't speak, I know what you're thinking…

No Doubt, "Don’t Speak"

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"Hi."

The casual greeting failed to convey everything James was feeling at the moment, but his eyes didn't. He was miserable – Lily could see that clearly. He regretted what he had done.

"Hello," she replied, carefully keeping her voice neutral.

James nervously fidgeted, and still couldn't make himself look into her eyes.

"I wanted to apologise," he said at last. "I can't be with Kate. I just can't be without you; I made a huge, huge mistake. Is there any chance –?"

Lily didn't know how to react. She wanted to give in and be with him again, but she knew that he would end up cheating on her again. He didn't really love her, and he had just proved it.

"James," she said softly, "I’m sorry, but no."

Her answer had definitely taken him by surprise, and that pleased her.

"But – Lily, you know I love you."

She raised an eyebrow. "Do I, now?"

"Of course! I've told you that several times."

Lily grinned bitterly. "Ah, yes, you've always had a way with words. It's a pity you've never really given me any proof of this love of yours."

They both knew she was exaggerating, but she was clearly hurt. He finally met her gaze, and there was no mistaking what he read there.

She was perfectly aware that he could see her misery. What was he going to do now?

Ah, yes, of course. His demeanour immediately became apologetic. "Please," he breathed out, trying to reach that part of her soul that could never resist him.

All of a sudden, Lily got angry. How dare he try to manipulate her again? Couldn't he see that he had already done enough damage?

"You know I'm sad, don't you?" she snapped. "You can tell I'm depressed."

James nodded.

"Well, you see, James Potter, the thing is that my parents were murdered two days ago. Do you remember them? Nice, sweet couple, meant the world to me, and everything? Yeah, they're dead. Did you really think that you could leave me this way? No, I'm not glum because you left me. I'm mourning."

James grimaced. Damn. He had left Lily precisely when she needed him the most, and that was painfully evident. It wasn't fair; it wasn't right. She had been there for him when his parents died, and now he'd just stabbed her in the back…

"You could've told me," he mumbled.

Lily glowered. Couldn't he understand? Everything wouldn't be magically all right if they got back together! "Nothing you can do now will comfort me, James. I'm not getting back together with you."

"But – why? We –"

"Why?" Lily laughed dryly. "It's quite simple, really. I hate you."

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Now my body's weak, so just give me a reason

And my make-up's off, so just give me a reason

My defence is down, so just give me a reason

Give me a reason, give me a reason…

What did I do wrong?

The Corrs, "Give me a reason"

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"I used to trust you, and you betrayed me. I loved you, James, more than I ever thought I could love someone… You destroyed everything we had, and – you just couldn't have chosen better timing."

"I didn't know!"

"It wasn't fair," she continued, not paying attention to him. "I didn't deserve this. I did nothing wrong. You're just a stupid, heartless –"

"Lily!" he interrupted her, holding her arms and forcing her to face him. "I've already apologised. There's nothing I can do to fix it now. Kate doesn't mean a thing to me. Please – I want to be with you, I want to help you…"

She shook her head stubbornly.

"Lily…"

"You'll just hurt me again. I can't…"

She seemed to hesitate for a moment. Her eyes moistened; Lily knew that she was about to give in to him.

"Tell me why you did it, James. Just give me one good reason; help me trust you again…"

He bit his lip. Suddenly, it dawned on Lily that he had no idea why he had done it; he would have no way to avoid doing it again. No, she could never be with him.

"You know what, James? I'm tired of this. I tried to love you, I really did – but it's never been reciprocated, and I'm sick of making all this effort just because of a silly infatuation. In the end, you are nothing but an arrogant, immature –"

James interrupted her with a kiss. It showed hunger and desperation; he was terribly earnest, and didn't know how to put in words just how much he wanted them to be together again.

Lily was shaken; it was useless to deny it. She hurried to put some distance between them, violently shaking her head.

"No, no, no! You can't make me change my mind like this! If you hadn't – if you had just thought before acting the way you did… It's too late now."

Lily turned around and abruptly left the bathroom; each of her fast heartbeats signalled a new doubt running through her mind.

Had she made the right choice? Would she ever be happy without him?

Well, the choice had been his – he had begun all this by cheating on her. It was perfectly normal not to forgive him.

In the end, he didn't deserve her love, and she wasn't sure if he ever had.

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